Broken, Yet Beautiful

What DO I believe?

2011-10-13T20:59:00.000-04:00

I am currently in that phase between chemo infusions where I have scans before the doctor determines the next phase of treatment. I completed the PET scan today and have the CT scan on Monday. Where I go from here will be determined by the results of those 2 scans.

Its in this phase of preparing for scans and waiting for results that the reality of this disease comes crashing headlong, full force, into the reality of my faith. My belief & experiences with God are mocked, even overwhelmed by my knowledge-base & experiences with cancer. Shouldn't that be the other way around? What exactly DO I believe? What exactly is my faith placed in? Why does my faith not automatically overwhelm this doubt and... OH I'll just admit it...Fear!!

You are witnessing my unedited thought processes right now...this post was unplanned and I'm not sure where it is going so bear with me.

I find myself doubting the possibility that these scans will show positive results. My history with this has shown that by the 3rd scan of each chemo round I have stopped responding. I am focused on that statistic. And yet, every time I begin to slide down that slope, God reminds me that He is in control...not history. And what do I do? I ask Him "what if...?" "What if the results aren't positive and the tumors are growing again." "What if I don't get a break?" "What if I have to switch treatment AGAIN?" What if...What if...What if......? Can anyone tell I'm frustrated with myself?

Where is my strength?!?! Isn't this blog supposed to be encouraging and uplifting? Why am I telling you all this? Why? Oh - because I have invited you on this journey with me...and this journey isn't all positive. Does it help anyone if I appear to be only upbeat & positive all the time? Probably not...because its not human. This blog...this journey...this test doesn't serve its purpose if I hide behind the reality of my feelings.

Ok - so where am I? I'm doubting. I'm insecure. I'm afraid the results won't be good. I'm so hoping they will be so I can get a little bit of a break from this treatment schedule. I feel guilty for doubting. I feel hypocitical as I hear & am encouraged by the prayers & faith of those around me, lifting me up daily to the throne of God.

I'm reminded of a line in a song by Joni Earickson Tada, "I want to thank You...for the faith to doubt and yet believe..." (a line she didn't even like or understand until she lived it). I understand it. I'm living it. It is a humbling place to be...to know I can doubt the all-powerful, almighty, amazing God even after all He's done for me & yet believe that, even in my doubt, He is there, guiding, controlling, using this for His purpose, for His glory. Is it possible that He uses our doubt to strengthen our faith? I don't know...I'll get back to you on that one.

We are told in 1 Peter 5:6 to "Humble [ourselves]...under God's almighty hand, that He may lift [us] up in due time." The very next verse tells us to "cast all [our] cares upon Him because He cares for [us]. Again, I'm just thinking off the top of my head here, but there has to be a reason the ideas of humbling ourselves before God (to whom He shows favor [v. 5 of the same chapter] & the command to cast our anxieties on Him are together. For me at least, I think doubt begins to creep in when I begin to take control (at least in my mind) of my situation. When I begin to "take credit" for my ability to do the right things in fighting this disease, to place my confidence in the right diet, the right supplements, the right exercise plan, the best doctor & staff, etc. rather than recognizing that all of these things are merely the "horses & chariots" used by God as He fights this disease in me, I lose sight of the power of my faith. Suddenly, like the past several days, I am up against the reality of my disease & my powerlessness against it. Questions begin to haunt me..."have I done the "right" things?"... "Did I eat the right mix of cancer-fighting foods and take the right mix of supplements?"... "Have I done everything I could to discourage the cancer cell growth in my body?" on and on and on... I'm laughing at myself right now... through tears.

I am humbled, & somewhat amused, by my attempts at acting like the brave warrior fighting the invasion.

So...doubt is created when we trust more in the tools than in the One who made the tools... when the clay vessel imagines its shaping & form by its own power rather than at the hands of the Potter. Jeremiah 18: 4, "But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." II Corinthians 4:7, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that his all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

Back to the original question: What Do I believe? I believe, in spite of my doubt & questioning, that God is in control. I believe that, no matter what the results of these scans, that God is in control. I believe that He will heal me in His time, in His way to accomplish His purpose for His glory. I believe that this "marred vessel" is being reshaped as "seems best to Him". I believe that God can take the doubt created by our limited mind & use it to prove our reliance on Him...our weakness as breakable...broken...jars of clay to prove that the strength to fulfill His purpose comes from Him, not from us. He shines through the cracks in our vessel. We do indeed have "this treasure in jars of clay."

Thank you for wading through my stumbling journey. I can only pray that God somehow takes this & uses it for good. I am His vessel...broken, yet beautiful for His purpose.

Tricia
Psalm 3:3 "For You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory and the lifter of my head."

What IS it all about?

2011-07-08T15:09:00.000-04:00

It's been SO long since I've written and I feel very bad about that. It seems the words just haven't been there and now I can't seem to stop them from flowing! I realize I have missed writing and am glad to be back here sharing my story with you. I'm going to share with you first what triggered this sudden need to write again. I am back to IV treatments every 3 weeks now - on Taxol & Carboplatin this time - 5th one yesterday) and during yesterday's treatment, a fellow patient completed their chemo treatments and rang the "celebration" bell. I rejoice with each person who gets to ring that loud, crazy bell & long for the day I get to ring it myself! Afterwards, my oncology nurse hugged her, told her how proud she was of her and then said, "You made it! And that's what its all about. It's all about getting here". That last statement threw me..."it's all about getting here"...Is it?

Don't gt me wrong...I completely understand what she meant & I get it, but her words struck a discordant note with me. While I want to get "there" as much as any cancer patient out there, I don't believe that's what it's ALL about. In my opinion, there are just as powerful goals hiding in the journey itself.

I thought about my reaction & feelings about her statement all day...wondering if I was justified in my feelings or if I was just reacting to it through my fear of never getting "there". Finally, at a very early hour this morning, my answer came.

As a result of this treatment, I am wide awake for hours once the benadryl wears off and the steroids kick in. Looking for ways to occupy my time, I remembered that a Facebook friend was supposed to post an update on her scans, labs & doctor's visits on Thursday. I checked & yes, there was an update - - one of good & bad results. You see, Ashley fights a battle far tougher than mine with a rare form of cancer. I read her update with tears and then smiles as she shared first her medical update & then her faith. I realized that my feelings of the day are indeed justified...it IS about more than just "getting there"...what we learn through the journey may be far more important.

I realized that I now have the capacity to understand Ashley's admitted & mixed feelings of defeat & joy, acceptance & fight, concern & peace, doubt & faith. I could encourage her from the heart of my own experiences with a life of cancer; relating to her fears, fighting with her to stay strong & positive.

I realized again today with renewed joy, that what we learn through life experiences is not be to saved up to be used at the end of the battle, but rather to be put to the test in the midst of it. God allows us into these places, whether it be cancer, the death of friend or loved one, the illness of a child, job loss, poor judgment calls, whatever...not only to get our attention and give us new knowledge for our own good, but so that we can share (use) that knowledge to help others. We are not to become bitter, angry, joyless people in our trials - as dismal as they may seem. We are to strive to rise above, only by the grace of God, doing as He commands by counting it all joy and giving thanks in ALL circumstances. Who can help but share things they are joyous & thankful about? God teaches us lessons to make us better, to show us His power & His strength, to indwell us with that same power & strength so that we might glorify Him through our circumstances. What better way...WHAT BETTER WAY... to glorify Him than to use those lessons to minister to others who relate to our weaknesses and need His strength...to take advantage of the opportunities to show His love?

For several months, I have been contemplating a blog post about things I've learned in the now 1 1/2 years since my diagnosis. I think today brought it all home. Here is it....not exhaustive or even in order of importance, but what strikes me as important right now.

1) Life doesn't stop just because you receive a cancer diagnosis (or other bad news). The shock wears off and life goes on...a new normal takes over. Bills still come due (& a few more are added!), new life & death (sometimes very unexpected) still occur, job & household responsibilities still go on & have to get done, people still need you, you still feel...even joy, happiness, contentment, everything... You find positive in the midst of pain.

2) Family bonds and most friendships grow stronger in adversity. Some friendships fall away...cancer is tough on relationships. Honesty and openness are key. Renewal takes place. Bonds once thought broken or forgotten can be strengthened again. New friendships are formed...sometimes coming from the most unexpected places but welcome just the same. Support & love are out-poured beyond measure both in the most basic and creative of ways. The collective arms of those who love you uphold you in the midst of the storm.

3) Perspectives change as you fight the battle. Things that once were so important & necessary are now trivial. Things that were once ignored as commonplace are now precious. Birthdays are meant to be celebrated regardless of your age!! Day-to-day life is priceless - crazy sometimes, yes - even boring or difficult, but still to be enjoyed (still working on this one!) :)

4) Holidays can throw you a curveball - I struggled with this one... I love the holidays, but experienced something during them I never had before this past year - sadness, lots of questions... how many more? They had to be perfect this year in case they couldn't be in the coming years - I was stressed! This is when my writing stopped - I couldn't express myself through those feelings. It took me a while to deal with this unexpected reality of the unknown. I learned to enjoy the things that are important & stop stressing over perfection.

5) A face-to-face meeting with the possibility of your own death will make you look your insecurities square in the eyes & call them what they really are! God will make sure of this one! You quickly get over yourself & realize how precious you are in the sight of God. And yes - they resurface - but you learn to call them out & lay them at the feet of Jesus.

6)You CAN learn to be thankful in all circumstances. OKAY - am I thankful I have cancer? NO! But I do not have to be thankful FOR the circumstance, just IN it! How? For what I am learning, for the person I am becoming, for what God is doing in & through my life, for the people I am able to touch - to minister to - as a result of these circumstances. Indeed - to count it ALL joy!

7) God will use anything to draw you closer to Him. He can use anything in your life, past or present, to enable you to know Him more, to be able to minister to others.

8) God IS daily strength, peace, mercy & grace beyond ANYTHING we can imagine until we face overwhelming odds - & even then it is beyond our understanding. He does miracles in my life every day! He WILL heal - in His time, in His way and for HIS GLORY & PURPOSE.

9) It's ok to doubt, yell, scream, question, cry, be afraid, & fear the future. God understands & lovingly wraps His arms around us as we give in to those feelings & then, if we allow, begins to replace them with His peace, His strength, His words, HIS future...He drys the tears, picks up our fallen armor & puts it back on us, hands us our sword & then says, "now stand behind me as I fight for you. I am your shield, believe in me, I am all you need".

Remember a few posts ago when I shared my reaction to the Kutless song, "I'm Still Yours"? The very 1st line of that song brought me to my knees early in my treatment as I struggled emotionally with the possibility of losing my hair and my ability to sing... "If you washed away my vanity, If you took away my words...If you take it all...Would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives & takes away?" Well...almost a year & a half later, much to my doctor's surprise at how long it took, the Taxol finally caused my hair loss. Yes, it was emotional as my vanity literally washed away...And yet, in this event, God reminds me of how He sees me...broken, yet beautiful. He is taking the shattered pieces of this vessel I once held in value because of the outside & is showing me a greater beauty & value as He puts it back together so that His light shows through the cracks in the exterior. I still sing & Yes, my hands are still lifted because God, "I'm Still Yours"! You've even shown me a new place to minister as a result of my hair loss. Thank you!!

So Yes - it IS about more than getting "there" - the end of the journey is only one goal among many. The refining fire of the process, while painful, makes us more beautiful than ever before in ways that really matter - a goal worthy of striving for. I am broken, yet beautiful for God's glory!

And Ashley - thank you for sharing your journey too. You inspire me!! May God pour out His complete healing on you here on this earth. Fight on, my friend. He is your Shield and the Lifter of Your Head!!

Normal :)

2010-11-13T11:18:00.001-05:00

Wow---it HAS been a long time since I posted a new blog. It's been busy around our house and treatment continues to go well for me. Having very few side effects and holding the white blood cell & platelet counts at normal. I am currently only on one medication (Tarceva). I had to stop the clinical trial (which was 2 medications) because my white blood cell count would not stay high enough. They couldn't lower the doses any more so I had to stop the clinical trial drug (which I still don't know if it was the real drug or the placebo). At first, I was a little down because the scan results had been so good and I felt like this was a setback. As always, God quickly reminded me that He is in control and that my job is to trust Him, not the medication.

We traveled to Lynchburg, VA last weekend to visit with my sister-in-law and her family and sing at their church, Keystone Baptist. We had such a great time and God gave me opportunities to share His love even before church Sunday morning. The congregation of Keystone is a wonderful, warm family that welcomed us with open arms, love and generosity. It was great to be able to put faces with the names of people I see on cards and messages. We were delighted to worship with them and hope to visit with them again at some point.

So...what else have I been up to? Well - as strange as this may sound, I've been praising God for "normal" lately. I am blessed beyond belief that I am able to maintain a very busy schedule, cook for my family and work. I have very few reminders that I have cancer. I take my medication in the morning, wait an hour to eat (& have coffee - there's the tough part!!) and then I'm going the rest of the day. I can breathe deeply; I can sing; I can attend church; I can lead my precious youth choir; I can enjoy time at home and out with my family; I can work out...I even found myself a couple of weekends ago being thankful that I could clean my kitchen...and I am NOT EVER excited about housecleaning!! :)

God is so good...I am so much more aware of His grace, His mercy. So much more thankful for ALL that He as given me. I realize how much I took for granted before. I've heard people say that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to them...don't think I'm there yet (or ever will be), but I get the point. It does bring things into perspective. I am thankful that God sees fit to use this for His purpose...that in my brokenness, physically, spiritually and emotionally, He shines through to accomplish something for Him. I continue to be excited about what He is doing and how He is working. I am hoping, praying for more opportunities to share His story in me. I continue to surrender to His will and pray that I will recognize and listen to His guidance.

Tomorrow, I have been asked to share the story I shared in my last blog with my church. We've just completed Chip Ingram's r12 study and tomorrow's service is our time for testimony. I am honored to share a story that until a few weeks ago, I couldn't even verbalize. I stand amazed at what God can bring about in a life willing to surrender. I ask for your continued support in prayer both for His healing and peace, but more than that for my continued surrender to Him...my continued willingness to be broken and remolded to reflect His beauty.

Psalm 96

Tricia

Whatever It Takes

2010-10-09T22:13:00.000-04:00

Good news this week. Preliminary results from my scans on Friday show improvement in the lung tumors & stability in all others. My doctor is very pleased with the results so far. I continue to have minimal side effects and, as long as my blood work counts hold, I will have more scans in eight weeks. God continues as my shield and strength and I praise Him for all He is doing.

God has been pressing on my heart something I needed to write about. In the last month or so, he has brought it to my attention several times through different people & a book we're studying in small group Bible Studies at church. He used these people & tools to remind me of His divine guidance and preparation.

About two years ago, I spoke before the congregation of my church sharing with them my recent struggle with depression. I shared with them God's leading on my heart that there was something more for me to do, but had not yet found it. I asked for their support as I held myself accountable to them in continuing to search for God's will in my life. One thing I did not share on that morning was an ongoing struggle that took far longer to overcome.

For quite a long time, I had been convicted that my walk with God was not where it needed to be. I had become caught up in gaining head knowledge about scripture, historical evidence of Biblical events, etc. Not that having this knowledge is bad, but I was allowing it to take the place of continuing to develop a closer relationship with Christ. To add to this, I wanted more than anything to have a ministry for Christ, especially one that would use my music. I shared with some people close to me what I felt was a calling, but felt frustrated that it was not going anywhere. Looking back, I was trying to control everything myself...to do things in my strength and for my glory.

God began pressing on me with greater intensity that He had a distinct plan...something for me to do, but that I had to surrender completely to Him. He repeatedly placed in my heart & mind a prayer of surrender He wanted me to pray..."God, whatever it takes to use me for Your glory, to accomplish Your will, do it. I'll accept it." My faith withered. I resisted...strongly; flatly Refused to pray this prayer...not because I wanted to be disobedient, but out of fear of what "whatever it takes" would be. I was deeply afraid of what God would take...my imagination ran wild with what He might do, what He might require of me..my family?, my voice? what? I flew from the possibilities & fought the conviction to obey, simply unable to believe that He would provide no matter what. The harder I struggled, the more I plugged my ears, the more I buried myself in my own works, the more depressed I became. I reached a point of complete brokenness, frustration and joylessness. Finally, I asked my husband for a weekend to myself, to try to get my head on straight.

During that weekend, I came undone before God, broken, open, honest about my fears. At some point in those 2 days, I surrendered to God the resistance to His leading and asked for strength as I prayed, "Whatever it takes, God, do it...just draw me close to You and use me as You see fit. I have to be used by You...not my way, God, but Yours." In that surrender, I finally felt the release I'd been searching for, the peace & joy of my salvation returned. I still had a long way to go and God had some victories to win in my heart, but we were headed in the right direction.

Do I believe that God caused me to get cancer to give me a ministry? No, not at all. I do believe strongly, however, that He knew I needed to be able to allow Him to use this for His glory and that "whatever it takes" will be to use these circumstances to accomplish something for His kingdom. I am surrendered to His will and know His joy and peace on a daily basis through this struggle. Yes, I have days that I fall flat on my face & cry in frustration & fear, yell at the kids, get too busy to pray and try to rely on myself instead of God, but He always gently reminds me that He is my strength, counselor and peace. I can JOYFULLY testify to anyone who feels scared of complete surrender to God that He will not leave you in the struggle...whatever it is. He IS always there and He will accomplish His purpose. Trust me when I tell you, it is far more peaceful and easy to go with Him in the midst of a struggle than to struggle to find your own way. "If that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain." (Mercy Me)

For His Glory and Purpose...

2010-09-28T21:45:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm two weeks into the new dosage of the chemo drugs & so far not bad. I've had a few side effects, but overall, this dose is MUCH better. Scarring on my face & chest is healing quickly - found a great product called Bio-Oil that serves as a moisturizer, line reducer (yea - I would be concerned about that!!) :) & as a scar minimizer as well. Gotta' love these multi-tasking products! Energy level is great & my endurance is coming back. Made a new friend the other day who is a personal trainer who specializes in people with disabilities and chronic illnesses. She affirmed, encouraged & refined my desire to stay active, pointing out things to focus on to build my endurance and stay strong...thanks Kathy!!

Over the past few weeks, God has allowed me to see more of how this theme of "Broken, Yet Beautiful" is so true...of how He is using my circumstances to touch others. So many people have shared with me through different means of what He has said to them through my words, songs, attitude. I have been moved to tears (of joy, gratitude and awe) that God could take anything that I have offered through this time & use it to touch people in totally different circumstances but yet so many of the same feelings. Thank you to those of you who have shared...I cannot tell you how deeply it blesses & moves me to hear your stories. I pray that the sharing will continue.

So many people have asked me how I maintain the positive attitude & outlook while fighting the battle of my life. I am grateful for the questions & never hesitate to answer honestly. I humbly admit to you that there are days (fewer now than at first) that I fail miserably at being positive & my outlook & emotions find their way to the negative. But each time, as at the very beginning of this, God comes to me as my Protector & Shield, lifts my head & honors me with His strength & peace. I will tell you openly that any strength, peace & ministry you find in me comes from God's divine power and through nothing in me. For this, I am more thankful every day. I felt this power the first night I heard the potential diagnosis & even in the midst of paralyzing fear, anger & grief in the following weeks, I drew from it. I knew in those first few hours that God would use this if I allowed Him to do so & expressed my desire to glorify His name through this trial. I felt the strangest sense of excitement about what God could accomplish through my having cancer. I continue to feel that excitement & sometimes have to restrain myself from rushing ahead of Him to the next thing.

He has taught me not only the how-to, but the true depth of meaning in "giving thanks in all things" and in "counting it all joy". Am I thankful that I have cancer? NO...but I am thankful for what He is teaching me & allowing me to do as a result. I accept that God has allowed this in my life for reasons I do not know & will not question. I am confident that as I surrender, He will use this in whatever way He sees fit to glorify His name. I am confident of His healing, in His time, in His way. How can I not be thankful that my mighty, glorious God would use my brokenness in such a beautiful way?

Pray for my continued surrender to His will to be done through this. I truly desire to set aside all of myself and let this be All about Him.

In His Care,

Tricia

It is Well...I'm Still Yours

2010-09-11T13:29:00.010-04:00

I'm sitting here at home on a quiet Saturday afternoon enjoying some hot Jasmine green tea (my favorite) & thinking over all that's happened in the last couple of weeks. I shared in my last post the emotional struggle of dealing with the physical side effect of the skin rash from the Tarceva. Overall, that is much better even though I do have some scarring from the reaction to the hydrocortisone cream. Those will fade with time. At this point, I am off all chemo medication because my white blood cell & platelet counts dropped too low to continue this week. Doctor thinks the dose of Tarceva was just too much for my body to handle. I'll have more lab work pulled on Monday to see how things are going. Once the counts return to normal, I will be on a lower dose of the Tarceva so my bone marrow can recover without having to take a break from the meds.

During this month on the new chemo drugs, I have noticed my hair starting to thin again. Decided to have it cut shorter again because the weight of the length was causing it to come out faster. I definitely have some spots that are thin, but with the new style I can hide those pretty well. As you can imagine, losing your hair always brings about feelings of insecurity and vanity...even though I'm prepared and have dealt with the "emotional attachment" to my hair, it's still not easy. Facing this possibility again brought up memories of a story from a few months ago I'd like to share.

Early in my treatment, as my hair started to thin, I prepared to lose it all as my oncologist fully expected I would. I dealt with many of the same feelings I shared in my last post. I've never even had really short hair and had always thought of it as one of my best features. The possibility of losing it all was hard. About this same time, I bought a copy of the Kutless "It is Well" CD for the song, "What Faith Can Do". I love this song and find it very encouraging. However, as I listened to the entire CD one morning after everyone had left house, I realized why God had led me to buy this CD...it wasn't for that song. The last song on the CD is called "I'm Still Yours". That morning, my hair seemed to be coming out more than usual and I was honestly scared. The first line of this song blew me away..."If you washed away my vanity..." As with so many things God has used to open my eyes during this storm, I stopped dead in my tracks and started the song again. "If you washed away my vanity..." Really? How did they know what I was dealing with? Yep - I had pulled quite a bit of my vanity out of the shower drain that morning. Next line..."If you took away my words..." What if? My desire to write and sing...to share what God is doing through this...what if He allowed it to be taken away? The song goes on to ask "Would You be enough for me?...If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away?"

If you haven't guessed by now in reading earlier posts, music affects me like nothing else and God uses it frequently to speak volumes to me. I can't count the times He has brought the right song for the right time. By the end of the first chorus, I was on my knees honestly not knowing if I could lift my hands to my God if these things happened. Convicted to the core of not just my vanity and ego, but of my lack of faith for God to see me through. It took much time, prayer, soul-searching, honesty with myself and allowing God to pull out the roots of fear, brokenness, insecurity, pride and selfishness for me to be able to listen to this song without fear. With the message of that song and the encouragement of His Word, God drew me close, opened my heart to face all those things and wrapped His arms around me as I gave them up to Him.

Today, as I continue to watch my hair thin, I am dealing with it without brokenness and fear, secure in the knowledge that He is using this to accomplish the most important thing to Him...bringing me to a closer relationship to Him. It's ALL about HIM. As I've watched God open the doors of ministry through opportunities to sing and speak in concerts, this blog and sharing His story with others, I know that even if He "takes away my words", I will lift my hands to Him because I am still His...nothing can change that. For that reason only, He deserves my praise.

Let me take this opportunity to thank all the countless number of people who lift me up in prayer on a daily basis. I could not get through this without the support of my wonderful family and faithful friends. I have been and continue to be provided for as our needs arise. We were provided meals for MONTHS until I could stand on my feet enough to cook. I have a basket full of beautiful cards and still adding to it as God leads people (some I've never even met) to encourage me...and I love each and every one of them. I am a phone call &/or Facebook post away from prayers warriors who take me before the throne of God with specific requests. It is so humbling to feel this type of love, but empowering as well. As I recently stood with my beautiful girls before the congregation of my parent's church and shared in music and story of God's power and grace through this trial, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were doing exactly what He would have us do. God has been SO merciful to allow me to do this for His glory. He has provided a support group beyond belief and I cannot say thank you enough. It is indeed well with my soul.

From self-adornment to God Adoration

2010-08-24T17:32:00.006-04:00

For those of you who know me, you know I never set foot out of my house without makeup done & jewelry on (coordinated with my outfit, of course. I have been known to walk to the mailbox without these adornments, but I make it fast. :) If there's one thing I've learned about dealing with insecurity (at least for me), is that I have learned to hide behind the "adornments" of dressing up...Oh, let's face it...I LOVE jewelry...and clothes...and shoes...

So - how does this relate to my current cancer treatment? Well - the main side effect of the Tarceva that I'm on is a skin rash on the face and upper body. The doctors want to see that at first because that's how they know my body is accepting the drug & responding. Well - guess what? I'm definitely responding, but way more than what they expected! What started out as a few mild pimple-looking bumps flared to a red, burning, swollen, painful rash on my face over the weekend. Turns out I reacted not only to the medication as expected, but to one of the creams I was told to use in order to keep it "under control". Apparently, I'm allergic to one of the ingredients in that cream...Only me!!
Saturday and Sunday, I was in tears, not only because of the pain, but because I scared myself when I looked in the mirror. I didn't want anybody to see me, didn't want to go out...only went to the movies with a friend because I knew the theatre was dark and hoped I wouldn't see anybody.
Sunday morning, I arranged for another youth leader & friend to take my Sunday School class, but I had committed to making a casserole for a Ministry Fair luncheon scheduled for after church. I sent Jimmy and the girls to church because I was in so much pain that I hadn't slept well. I told him I would make the casserole, run it in to the kitchen and come back home. I was just not ready to let anyone see me.

After they left and as pain medication eased the pain in my face, I got everything ready to put the casserole in the oven then sat down with my Bible & journal, ready to pour out my heart on paper. I knew that I was allowing my vanity to get the best of me, but at that point, I didn't care. I wanted to make sure God knew exactly how I felt, how embarrassed I was...like He didn't know already.

Now - I hadn't forgotten that, to this point, I'd make chemo look easy...and that only by the grace of an Amazing God. This rash wasn't unexpected. I really thought I could handle the cosmetic look of it...had even laughed it off at the beginning...until it got really bad and very obvious. Makeup can only hide so much, you know. At this point, I was just mad...at myself and the situation.

For several weeks, through Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity, God had been reminding me of Proverbs 31: 25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity". I didn't feel very strong or dignified at that moment. He reminded me, again, as He has so many times through this, to "Be Still"... and then He showed me 1 Peter 3:3 & 4, "...it is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from within you - the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that will never be destroyed and is very precious to God." Oh, wow!! I'm thinking God also meant that clear skin and perfect bodies don't count either. As clearly as if He were bodily standing in the room with me, He impressed upon me that if I couldn't show my face to the people who love me and have ministered to me throughout this illness, then who could I show it to? Was I afraid of their judgment...or my own of myself? What kind of example would I be...to my beloved youth or my precious adult friends if I hid at home? Did I want to stand in the strength of Christ (as I'd just sang in the Call to Worship the week before) or wither against Satan's attack using my own insecurity against me?
I chose to let God use this...to recognize that I was not my outer appearance, but the "very precious to God" spirit within. SO - I got dressed, gently applied enough makeup to cover some of the redness on my face, put on some jewelry and took my casserole to church...and stayed for the luncheon. I admitted my struggle to those who surrounded me in love and not only heard, but felt not only their love, but their encouragement and support. Never have I been more pleased that I attended a church luncheon.

In the end, I found myself back to my journal that afternoon pouring out my heart for a different purpose - in adoration of a God who allows me to freely voice my hurts, my fears and frustrations...not only accompanying me, but carrying me through, reminding me that He is molding, making me in His image...I just have to Be Still and Know that He is God. And so - I count it all joy...

As of today (Tuesday), my face is getting better...swelling is gone, redness has calmed and skin is beginning to heal and clear. God has once again shown me beauty in brokenness. He is my "strength and shield...the lifter of my head."

Giving up Control to the Potter

2010-08-12T16:45:00.005-04:00

Recently had another of those seashell and pottery moments: Over the past several months, I've felt many times like a piece of clay being squeezed & squished & turned at dizzying speeds as part of this divine molding process, but this one drove home a lesson I've needed to learn. You see, throughout this process of treatment, I've had "projects"; things I could "control". From the start, I was told I would lose my hair by the 2nd or 3rd chemo treatment. I was advised to cut my long hair, buy wigs, hats, scarves and prepare myself for the inevitable. This became "Project #1" - I had something to DO - to focus on accomplishing. (Still have my hair, by the way. Never did lose it all which my doctor thinks is so funny.) Project #2 became the nutrition research & exercise - again, something I could do ("control") to have an impact on this disease & my reaction to chemo. Such a control freak I am!! Now don't get me wrong - all these things are important & do have a positive impact on the person fighting cancer. God has provided wonderful people, resources and knowledge for us to be able use as part of this battle...even in the simple things of just wanting to look & feel your best. Yes, God understands our insecurity & vanity too. :)

BUT - when I stopped responding to the first round of chemo I was on, I was stunned...cancer tumors growing & a new possible spot on my ovary. Even as God lifted my head from disappointment, I felt fear. I was presented with an option for a clinical trial. I would be given a new targeted therapy drug, Tarceva and then a 2nd drug which would either be another targeted therapy drug or a placebo. One problem for the control freak here - I may never know if I'm on the "real" clinical drug or the placebo...and boy, do I hate not knowing!! Through two weeks of preparing to see if I was even eligible for the clinical trial, God exposed the intricate inner parts of this broken shell.

As I waited for word on whether the spot found on my ovary was cancerous, I worked to keep my mind off it. (It was not!) As I waited for word on the PET scan (which seemed to take forever!!), I made phone calls, worked, wrote & anything else I could do to stay busy. (Results were good - 2 tumors dormant, 2 active - much better than in January!!) Still - this clinical trial bothered me...I wanted to KNOW that I was doing everything I could. I, I , I... Finally, in the middle of a workout one afternoon, as I was listening to my Jeremy Camp CD, the lines of his song, "Beyond Measure" hit me...
"I know that I've been given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when I see beyond my fears
I know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I've broken down and given You control..."

There, stopped cold in the middle of my workout, I realized that I'd fallen back into the habit of playing God...I had taken back control of my treatment...or at least thought I had. I'd been given SO MUCH and not by MY hand, but by HIS!! I've responded extremely well to a treatment regimen that has knocked others flat. I'm able to do just about anything I want with rare exception. I have been cared for and ministered to in the past 8 months by friends & family in ways I can never repay. I have developed & restored friendships that mean more to me now than ever. I am drawing closer to my husband & children and we are all stronger as we stand together through this. In my moments of fear, God has given me glimpses of His plan for using this...glimpses of how HE will be glorified if I just give up control. When I do "see beyond my fears", it is exciting to realize what He is doing.

Again, in my brokenness I found beauty. In my "loss" of control, I found perfect peace & a fresh realization that God's hands are always around me so even when I'm being squeezed, squished & turned, He is holding me steady. Does He continue to use the things I've learned about nutrition/diet/exercise as part of my treatment? Yes - absolutely...but I see them as His "chariots & horses" ...not my own project.

God is truly amazing. I have started the clinical trial and so far so good...no side effects as of yet. I don't feel the need to know which clinical drug I'm on. I do like how one of my friends put it the other day...she said, "Wouldn't it be amazing if God used it to heal you even if it was the placebo?" Yes, it will be!! Thank you, my friend, for reminding me again that "with God, All things are possible."

Beautiful Peace & Mercy

2010-07-26T15:51:00.001-04:00

This week I go through scans to determine if I'm eligible for a clinical trial as my next phase of treatment. I've stopped responding to the previous treatment after 8 rounds of chemo so we have to find a new one. Felt those all too familiar stabs of fear after my last scans a week & a half ago when my doctor realized some tumors were growing again and then proceeds to tell me there's something on my right ovary too. So far, things are looking positive, but its hard to deny those moments of fear. YET...It continues to amaze me how much peace God gives in times of uncertainty. How could He take someone so undeserving as me...someone who has happily run in the opposite direction of His will and guidance so many times just for my own selfish desires...and wrap me in His loving arms, lift my head and ease my heart?

Have you ever experienced the feeling of undeserved forgiveness and acceptance? Times when you know you've hurt someone or acted like a complete idiot and they forgive and restore you? How many times have I treated God with complete disregard. Selfishly going off on my own path because it looked better than His, following my desires instead of listening to the warning bells in my head. And how many times have I wound up broken, feeling rejected and in need of forgiveness, yet feeling undeserving. AND YET...EVERY TIME, He accepts me back with open arms, with forgiveness and love, never beating me over the head with the past (I do that enough on my own). :) He heals the wounds, though sometimes it takes a while. He weaves the scars into this tapestry of my life and is using them to create something beautiful He can use. Amazing love...

Love the lyrics from Casting Crowns' "Mercy"...

"Here I am a sinner broken and in need of You
Take my life and wash my fears away
For You are the 'Great I am', rest assured, I feel Your hand
Holding me until the darkness clears...

Here I stand a child of Yours broken and in need of You
Break these chains and wash my guilt away
Healer of my brokenness, my weary soul will find its rest
You are my strength, the lifter of my head

You're greater than my yesterdays, You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows, my heart will always say..."

Fighting this battle with cancer has brought so many things into focus...one of those things is the importance of relationships...with God, family and friends. The need for us to show and express the mercy God has shown us. In the end, its not about what we have, the positions we've held, how powerful we've been or how much fun we had. It's about relationships...about making a difference in the lives of those we touch and offering forgiveness to those who hurt us...even when we don't feel like it. I've always had a desire to reach out to those around me. My diagnosis hasn't changed this...if anything its made it stronger and more urgent than ever. What God will accomplish with this is unclear right now, but I am excited about what He will do...I am His vessel...broken, yet beautiful in His eyes.

Tricia

Introduction

2010-07-24T14:11:00.005-04:00

As long as I can remember, I've had a child-like fascination with 2 things...seashells and pottery. I can walk for hours on the beach watching the waves and picking up shells. I love finding ones that no one else wants...the broken ones that expose the inside, intricate parts of the shell. I can leave the beach with more shells than any toddler there.
And pottery...I love beautiful pottery, especially "Rebecca's pitchers" -something about the handle. And to watch someone work at a potter's wheel is a treat for me...love that scene from the movie "Ghosts"! Never had the courage to try it myself...maybe one day. There's a hymn I grew up singing in church..."Have Thine Own Way, Lord" which uses the analogy of us as clay and God as the potter. Beautiful thought to think of Him molding us...painful sometimes though. I have a decorative ball on a shelf in my kitchen fashioned from pieces of broken pottery and china excavated from an archeological dig in Charleston, SC. I think it is beautiful in its brokenness and love history of it...

Which brings me to the title of my blog..."Broken, yet Beautiful". I've come to see a lot of myself in seashells and pottery.

In January 2010,at 43 years old, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer (adenocarcinoma) with metastasis to the liver, kidney & lesions on my spine. A blood clot in my right leg diagnosed in December & caused by the tumor on my liver was the first symptom I had even though my oncologist tells me the cancer had been there about 3-6 months. Doctors cannot tell me why I have lung cancer having never smoked in my life, with rare exposure to second-hand smoke and, as my 2 girls call me, a "health nut"...with a healthy diet and almost obsessive about working out. During a 7-day hospital stay to treat a pulmonary embolism from the blood clot, the physician's assistant let the cancer suspicion slip while in my hospital room the 2nd night there. She called in the internist from their practice & he confirmed just how strong the suspicion was. I was alone...and I felt as if someone had thrown me against the wall of that room...shattered, broken, unable to be put back together.

In those moments alone in that room that Saturday night, I could not speak to even make a phone call at first. My tears flowed as if I had lost a loved one. I could not even pray at first...at least not anything that made sense to me. All I could do was reach for my Bible which I'd had sense enough to pack quickly on Friday afternoon when my doctor called & insisted that I go to the hospital immediately. Through many hours that night, I read scripture, finally made tearful phone calls home and to my parents and began to gather my thoughts. I began in Psalms and within moments, God gave me one of the verses I have focused on in the past 6 months...Psalm 3:3, "But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." There are many others, but this remains my battle-cry because he has indeed shielded me and lifted my head...especially when things look bleak. He has shown me, as he's lifted my head so many times in these months, that He sees me as beautiful in spite of my "brokenness". Oddly, this has become a battle not only against my physical illness, but against my own insecurities...a battle He's winning on my behalf...after SO many years of me trying on my own.

This blog is a way to chronicle my story...His story really, as I've renewed a child-like faith I'd grown lackadasical of. God is using this not only to teach me; to draw me close to Him, but to glorify His name as I seek to minister to others. I've made no promises to God of things I'll do if He'll heal me...I've never been good at keeping "promises" to God...people, yes, but God...well...that's another story. I just know that now, no matter what, this time is His and I will use it for Him.

I hope you'll join me on my journey of finding beauty within my brokenness...

Tricia