BrokenDreamers meanderings

2012-02-27T20:00:00.002-08:00

A farewell...

I decided that I cannot continue with this blog. I figured that someone should know about it. I may be starting another blog. I may not write another blog because I don't seem to be good at it. If I do begin another blog, I will put the url on my other writing sites. I wonder what I could write about...

Anyway, I figure that I need to research and organize my writing a bit more before I do a blog. Thank you for your interest and I will look forward to hearing from you on my other writing sites.

This trophy tends to slip off the shelf....

2012-01-30T07:26:00.000-08:00

Source: Sapphire Jenson

A candy heart is easily broken and melted...

I have to admit that I chose to see a man that I have never met face to face. We have been talking for about two years. We are great friends and I realized that I could not imagine my life without this man. He lives very far away. These are things which make the relationship difficult, I understand this.
He has begun to act like a man (see my blog "What I mean when I say man")!!! He has, for two years, been acting like a male, but recently he has been acting like a man. It seems that I was just another trophy for him to put on a shelf.
We began having a committed relationship about two months ago. A month ago, he stopped saying he loved me unless I said it first. Three weeks ago, he stopped calling and texting as he usually did. He has all kinds of reasons and most, if not all, are logical and understandable, at least until you put them all together...
I am not a trophy. I don't stay on the shelf very well. I have trouble being neglected. In the process of trying to be patient and understanding, I have become socially active. Therefore, I have come to the attention of several males (men?) and I am lonely. I have come to see the possibility of having a relationship that is not so far away. However, I do care very deeply for this man. Yes, I am now calling him a man. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he has all these logical and rational reasons for neglecting me. I am doing my best to use my program of recovery on this, but I am losing faith in him. I feel that he has become bored or he has found someone else and doesn't want to tell me, for whatever reason (possibly my condition and depression?).
The other thing he has done is to call me when no one else is around, as if he is hiding something. Perhaps, I have done something or said something that has caused this, but as long as he refuses to talk about it, I can do nothing to fix it. Either for this relationship or the next.
I am not perfect, I know this. I tend to want to be on the phone with him even while he is doing other things, just to feel close to him. I understand that men don't like this. I would be willing to just text a few times one day and talk on the phone the next, for a short while. I just need to know that he thinks of me. I really don't think he does anymore. I think he only remembers me when everyone else is busy. I am sorry for this development in our relationship, and I have no idea how to fix it, but I know me. When I begin to feel this way it doesn't take long before I begin to let go of the relationship and just let it fall behind me. Then, the man is wondering what happened because I inform him of what has happened only as it becomes necessary to inform him.
I would rather deal with the heartbreak all at once than to deal with it daily. This is your warning, love. I hope you heed it. I do not wish to end the relationship because I do love you. I will not live with heartbreak and wait for you to decide what it is you want for much longer. So, hurry and make up your mind.

The ultimate man!!!

2012-01-27T10:48:00.000-08:00

There is a saying that goes like this: The more perfect they are at the beginning of the relationship, the more deadly it is to get out of the relationship.
I dated this man for a few weeks. He was attentive, generous, sweet,fun, kind and intelligent. Everything a woman could ask for.
Then, he began talking about moving in together. He had points that I could not really argue. He made a great argument for it. So I moved in.
Things were great for another month. Then, he began talking about marriage. I had already been married a time or two and was not ready for the emotional, financial or mental challenges of divorce. However, he kept on and on about it for another month and, to shut him up about it, I agreed.
This is not a good thing. If someone hounds you about something, get away from them. Period! As the engagement progressed, so did the problems in the relationship.
Finally, we were married and I thought there was nothing left for him to hound me about, so things will go better. I was wrong!!!!
This was when the mental and emotional abuse began. This was when I learned what that saying was all about. We were together a total of two years, when I packed up my kids (not his) and fled. I did not run far enough. I had no idea what a monster like this was capable of!
Before I got on a bus with my children and fled to another state, he had hot wired my vehicle and drove it through the nursing home I worked at, his brother had come over to my apartment and raped me, he had tapped and scraped on the windows so much my kids were terrified of the dark, he called at all hours of the day and night to threaten me and my children, and he had managed to drive away every friend I made.
This is the ultimate man!

What I mean when I say "man"

2012-01-21T15:31:00.000-08:00


This is what I see when I see a "man".

A "man"

First, let me say this: Not all males are men. Let me repeat that. Not all males are men. With this in mind, my blog will make more sense to you.

I see some males as a separate race from the rest of us. I consider them to be dopplegangers. They put on the disguise of males and parade around like males, but they destroy the reputation of males and the trust women have for males. These are the ones I have come to call "men". I can define them easily enough because they will say things like: I am a real man. I am a man. Real men don't do that. Only gays do that. Men aren't into such things. Men don't talk about their feelings. I know what a woman wants! I know how to satisfy a woman. I don't want any commitment (but when you are seen with another man, they get angry). Associating with a man is like banging your head on a rock wall, it only takes a few times before you do your best to avoid it.

These are the dopplegangers way of giving you hints that they are going to cause you pain and misery. Take their unsaid advice and stay away from them. They are trouble from the get go.

A "male"

These are the ones who most women are looking for. They are sensitive to her feelings without being a sap. They listen and talk about as many subjects as come up without making some kind of comment that belittles others or cuts off communication between them. They do and say things that make a woman feel special and other men feel important. They are humble. They are careful, but don't avoid all risks. They are able to do things that might make them look foolish if it encourages fun and laughter. They call or text just to see if you need anything from wherever they are. They talk to you about activities they have enjoyed, whether it is movies, books, games, or whatever. They allow you to share your activities as well. When they find something they like they will text you something like: I can't wait to tell you about...". They will do your nails as long as you promise not to tell anyone. They will go window shopping with you and be smart enough to say things like: I don't think that color is good on you. You should try that shirt on. Those shoes look hot! Do you think this dress is my color? (as he holds up the ugliest dress you've ever seen). I like this bikini, do you think its too much for me to wear swimming?

The best thing about males is that when you are upset, they ask "How can I help?" Instead of assuming they know what you want them to do or avoiding you because they have no idea.

One of the biggest differences between men and males is their faithfulness. If a man finds he is attracted to another woman while he is with you, he will sneak around and see her behind your back. If a male finds he is attracted to another woman while he is with you, he will talk with you about it or leave the relationship. Men make doing things with you miserable while males will make the best of the situation. However, unless you want them to quit doing those things than you had better let them know that you appreciate what they are doing for them and give them the same respect and encouragement when they ask you to go fishing or whatever.

After all, if they can do it, we can too!!!!

2012-01-14T15:39:00.000-08:00

Men are like hunting dogs!!!

If you turn your back on a dog, they will take off the first chance they get. Then, when they return, tired and hungry, they are wagging their tail and happy to see you. When you scold them, they are confused. Men are like that. They go off hunting, fishing, whatever. Then, they come back, tired and hungry, expecting you to be happy to see them. Just like a dog!

A hunting dog will drag back whatever they have killed and show it off. Then, when he gets tired of that trophy, he goes and gets a new one. Men will go out find a woman, wine and dine her and bring her home. He will show her off to family and friends, then when he gets tired of her, he goes and gets a new one. Just like a hunting dog!

Most dogs will let anyone pet them and scratch them, if they are talked to nicely. Most men will too.

Don't get me wrong. They have their good points. Both men and dogs know their way home. They will stop and play with whatever female is in heat along the way, but they will come home eventually...

Another good point that men and dogs have in common is that they are both nice and warm to cuddle up to on a cold winter night. However, dogs have one thing better than men. When you cuddle with them on a cold winter night, they don't give you an STD!!!!

Another good point that men and dogs have in common is that certain ones can make money. The thing that dogs have over men is that they are happy with a couple of chew toys and some dog food, while the men spend theirs on things that give them excuses to go hunting some more!

I admit that this is a gross over generalization and that there are some men out there that are not like this. However, I have only heard rumors of such creatures and they may be like the unicorn... Often dreamed of and never seen!!!

Okay, I know. Many of you are going to be angry about this. I understand. However, if you think about it. We love our hunting dogs! We would not trade them for anything, right? I am not saying that we should not love men and that men are bad or anything. I am just saying, we need to understand that men are men. We cannot change them. We have to accept them the way they are, or do without them. Period.

To keep people from thinking that I am completely serious about this, I thought I should note that I do know of some men who are not like this. However, these men do not do me any good because they are gay and have the same problems I do!!!!

Laughter as needed...

2011-12-26T23:16:00.000-08:00

I wander... or is it wonder?

I am sitting up in my bed typing this. I have already lost the use of all my limbs today, landing me on the floor. This, of course, brought great joy to the animals in the house. They immediately came in, taking full advantage of the situation, began to lick me as they saw fit and chew on y hands and feet. The kitten, found the wagging tails too hard to resist and pounced with all four clawed paws. Being a kitten, she doesn't have the best aim and she missed by a long shot, landing her claws in the middle of my back. So, there I was, the new playground for my boxer mix, my room mates weiner dog, and a kitten.

It takes an hour or so, but eventually I get my right arm back and my mom helps me into the wheelchair. I move around a little bit, doing a few things. Eating something to hold me over in case it happens again, drinking plenty to keep from needing a drink if it happens again, prepare my computer for me working from my bed, in case only part of it happens again, and launch myself onto my bed.

Remember, I only have one arm to use. I push off the chair with my right arm and land on my head with my butt in the air and one leg on each side of my head. Then, I roll to the left and have to catch myself with my right hand before I fall off the bed onto the floor. After long moments of struggling, I am in a comfortable position. My legs are dangling off the bed and the kitten attacks my toes. I yank my knees to my chest and realize I went through all that struggle for nothing! I had full use of all my limbs back.

This post was going to be about unicorns, and I did find something interesting involving unicorns, but this seemed more important. I think that laughter is the best medicine for anything that ails you, even if nothing ails you at all!

In the spirit of laughter, lets have a little fun!!

Found this on twitter...

http://unicorn.namegeneratorfun.com/
My unicorn name is:

Bluebell Silver Nostrils

Bluebell is an eccentric genius with a big imagination.

She is silver like the moonlight,

and she dances in clouds of falling stars.

Put in comments what your unicorn name and description is!

Who ate the first egg?

2011-12-26T06:34:00.000-08:00

In my first blog, I talked about a conversation I had with a friend of mine about the first person to eat an egg. The question has popped back up among my circle of associates, so I went searching for some answers. I found that we were not the only ones to ask this question. I found several sites where someone had asked the question and it was answered.

Here is where I found the question and an answer...

http://thaimassageinfo.com/?p=2631

This is a site where people "chat" about the first person to eat eggs, though I would not call any of their answers interesting...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060702105402AANrAJw

This one is not as good, though it does raise some other questions...

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Who_decided_to_eat_chicken_eggs_first

This one has a neat story in it...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090106065912AAxN4nS

This one has an answer that is probably the most realistic...

I think I have an answer, given the history lessons I remember and the stories that I have read. Along with some creative imaginings...

Back in the days before time, when the world was new and the creatures were still figuring out who belonged where, a clan of cave dwellers were going about their daily food searches. The females were in charge of gathering and storing, while the males were in charge of hunting.

One of female cave dwellers noticed strange creatures in the sky. She watched as they went to and from another cave. She got closer to see what they were doing in there. When she was close enough to see inside, she saw creatures that were their competition for food eating the flying creatures rocks. She told a male about it and he decided to hunt one. This was useless. They flew out of range and, if one was hit, they couldn't find the carcass anyway.

However, this made the flying creatures take note of the cave dwellers. One day one of the flying creatures found a young cave dweller by themselves and snatched them off the ground. They took them to their nest and released them for the young to eat. While trying to get away, the cave dweller broke one of the strange rocks which filled the nests in the cave. The young cave dweller hid inside the broken egg.

While the young cave dweller was in the egg, they became very hungry and began to eat the goo which was oozing out of the crack. This filled them up and the shell kept them warm, so they stayed there until all the noises stopped.

When the noises stopped, it was dark and hard for the cave dweller to see. They took one of the eggs to nourish them on their return to their cave and made the trek back to their cave below.

Upon their return, they put the egg near their campfire to keep for future use. While it was there, it cooked and became a hard boiled egg. Finally, the egg cracked and the clan shared the egg.

"There's reason in roasting eggs." James Howell, English Proverbs.
This is my take on the who ate the first egg question. I hope you enjoyed it!!!

Words DO hurt

2011-12-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

"Your a phony! Why do you need attention so badly that you would fake something like this?"
"I cannot believe you let your mother support you, why don't you get a job? You look fine to me."
"She's a fakin' bitch. I won't call you for a ride no more."
"The convenience store is hiring, why don't you go apply there?"
"You need to see a doctor about this."
"I think Satan is attacking you."
"You just need to pray about it. Give it to God, He will take care of you."
"Why don't you get a second opinion?"
"You need to see a specialist. Don't you want to know what is wrong with you?"
"It's all in your head."

All of these have been said to me, or someone who is still willing to be my friend. Each of them cuts a raw and painful cut through my heart. Each one of them is as painful as the one before it. Each one reminds me of what I cannot have or do. Each one reminds me of what I have lost in less than six months.

You see, I do have a lot of problems, other than this condition. I am a recovering addict. I am a domestic abuse survivor. I am a child neglect survivor. I am a child sex abuse survivor. I am a verbal abuse survivor. Some of these people know that I have these problems and relate them to how I was just a short time ago. After all, a year is not that long a time. The ones that have the same answer, I have grouped together.

"Your a phony. Why do you need attention so badly that you would fake something like this?"

This was said to me just after I moved in with my mother, because I lost my job and following that my apartment. The person who volunteered to care for me, the person who made a show in public about being there for both my mother and I said this to me while I was laying in bed, unable to move either my legs nor my arms. I had to use the bathroom. We did not have the appropriate accommodations for someone who was quadriplegic. He had to lift me, carry me, undress me, set me on the toilet, and wait for me to finish. Then, he had to return, wipe me, dress me, carry me back to my bed and position me in it. Can you imagine doing that for someone? Can you imagine someone doing that for you?

That was the longest day of my life. For ten grueling hours, I was a prisoner of my own body. For ten long, painful hours this person said cruel and painful things to me while tending to my needs. He put his hands on my breasts while telling me I was using him and my mother to feed my need for attention.

When he took me to the restroom and undressed me, he touched me between the legs and said if I needed attention that bad, I could have just said something. He said he was more than willing to show me attention.

You may be wondering why I didn't say anything. Why didn't I yell for help. After all, my mother was just in the other room. I wanted to, but I had just lost my job and apartment. My mother and this man were the ones paying the bills. How would my mother afford this place without him? Where would I go, if she lost it?

To this day I have not told me mother what he did to me. She believes the lies he told her, when I made it clear to him I was not going to have a relationship with him and as soon as I could I was moving out. I guess he was afraid of what I would tell people, he laid a smear campaign on me that would make a politician look saintly! If I was half as bad as he said I was, I imagine Satan would worry about me taking his position as the ultimate evil!

"I cannot believe you let your mother support you, why don't you get a job? You look fine to me."
"The convenience store is hiring, why don't you go apply there?"

I was at the store and had run into a couple of old friends. All of my limbs were working and I was thrilled to be out of the house, though terrified my limbs would go out on me and I would get hurt.

"If I could hold a job, I would still be where I was. I had a job and an apartment. My limbs go out on me without warning. I would not be working long enough to get a check." I responded, then walked away.

When I think about what I had finally gained after years of being an addict, I cry. I had a home of my own, I was clean, I had a large circle of friends, I had a support group, I had a job that paid enough to pay the bills, I was looking for something that paid more, I had a vehicle, I had furniture, internet, a life...
In sixty days, I lost it all and more. I lost the ability to walk across the floor without fear. I lost the ability to say, "Sure, I can do that." I lost the ability to sleep at night. I lost the ability to trust my body. I lost the ability to feel safe taking a shower. I lost the ability to feel safe anywhere. Can you imagine fearing the walk from your bed to the toilet? Can you imagine what it is like trying to explain to someone that you look fine because, right now, you are fine. However, in a moment or an hour or a day, you will be unable to move your arms or your legs or both or one of each or just one limb?

"She's a fakin' bitch. I won't call you for a ride no more."

I have a few friends left, but not nearly as many as when this started. I do not blame them. I am not sure I would believe this could be happening to someone, if I were not that someone it was happening to. Most of the friends I had were people who would only call when they wanted something anyway, so it was no big loss. Though, a few of them I believed were friends. They have their own problems and dealing with mine may be too much for them to handle. I understand. I forgive them. It does not make the pain go away, nor does it ease the ache of loss I feel.

The person who said this was one of those friends that only called when they wanted something. I feel nothing about her saying this, except one thing. How many people were avoiding my friends because they are still friends with me and I have this condition? It hurts to think that someone would not be friends with one of my friends because I have this condition. I know that if they were true friends, this would not be an issue. It does not help the hurt. It does not stop the tears. It does not ease the ache of loss.

"You need to see a doctor about this.""Why don't you get a second opinion?"
"You need to see a specialist. Don't you want to know what is wrong with you?"

I was seeing my regular doctor and we were working through everything that he could do. He wanted me to see a specialist, but I had no insurance. If you don't have insurance, specialists want five hundred dollars or more up front. I had a job that paid slightly more than minimum wage and it was only part time. I didn't have that kind of money. I still don't.

At one point, I lost control of all my limbs in public and was taken to the emergency room. They sent me to a large city where a neurologist put me through test after test after test and found no reason for my condition. I was there, playing guinea pig, for a week. I regained use of my arms after four to six hours, but they would not let me out of bed until a couple days before release and that was only with supervision. I followed all of their rules, just to make sure that things went right. I did not have a single episode. This was not unusual, at that time, as the episodes were the exception instead of the rule. They suggested I see a psychiatrist, at least until further symptoms presented themselves. The neurologist released me from the hospital and I headed home. When we arrived at my house, I could not move my limbs again. The irony of it is that I believe the medical staff kept me so long to see if I would have an episode while in the hospital.

"It's all in your head."

I went to my support group as soon as I could because I needed the support of friends. I ran into one of the most painful things anyone could have said to me at that meeting. At first, I thought they were trying to make light of it. However, that was the last time they spoke to me. Other people at the support group began giving me the same look that she did and stopped talking to me.

Some of my friends there still talk to me and give me support, but the looks and cold shoulder I receive from the largest percentage of the group makes it uncomfortable. I have gone online to get the support that I need, though it is difficult because I have found that I am a social person. I enjoy talking to people about the day to day things that grab their attention for whatever reason. I enjoy telling people about something funny that happened to me. This condition makes that extremely hard. I have become wrapped up in my own crap and breaking out is difficult. When I do manage to break out of it and behave normally someone reminds me I am no longer able to behave normally without the risk of injury.

I, now, take a wheelchair with me wherever I go. I may not be able to use it, but it helps with the movement of me for those that help me. I named it "My boyfriend." I am thinking of changing it to "My ex." A boyfriend is someone you want to spend time with, want to have around, whereas an ex is someone who is there, in the background all the time, whether you want them there or not.

"I think Satan is attacking you."
"You just need to pray about it. Give it to God, He will take care of you."

I have said before that I am not a religious person. I do have faith in God and that He will take care of me through whatever comes along, as long as I do my part. I, also, believe there is a balancing entity which is the enemy of all that is good. When someone tells me that I am being attacked by this enemy of all that is good, I interpret that as "You must have something big planned for you by God because His enemy has noticed you."

Being an addict, I have a problem with thinking I am more important than I am. This is not helpful. This causes me to fantasize about what wonderful things I will be doing for God in the future. These fantasies are not healthy for me. When I realize that I will not be handed these wonderful things and I have to get through what I am going through before these things come about, I become depressed and crash into what some have called a "bottom".

I find myself wanting to use and forget about everything that is going on. I find myself thinking stupid things like 'when i was using this never happened, maybe if I use it will go away' or 'How stupid can I be believing God has some great plan for someone like me? I am not one who is ever going to have the kind of faith it takes to reach into the spiritual realm and draw out the power it takes to heal someone or reveal some unknowable information'. This is when it is dangerous. This is when the world takes on a stark view and I can find no positives in anything. This is when my natural tendency to use drugs to change the way I feel and the way the world looks comes in and chatters away in my head.

Sometimes, I react in a way that does not include wanting to use. Sometimes, the battering rams in my head that beat on me and tell me how useless I am go into overdrive and I begin thinking about suicide. If I talk about it, this is a good thing. I know, you are thinking that talking about suicide is bad because I may convince myself to kill myself. This is not the case. I have lived with me for years and I know me pretty well when it comes to suicidal tendencies. Each and every time I have tried it, I stopped talking about it. I put up a front that everything was okay. That things had changed. That I felt okay about things now, I have found hope and a reason to live. Though, I cannot remember ever telling anyone what had changed, what hope I had found, what reason to live. People were just glad that I had stopped talking about it, they didn't care why.

For those of you who know someone like me, this is the danger zone. This is where those red flags should be beating you on the head. This is where your heart should skip a beat. This is where you should be asking a lot of questions, getting to the bottom of what has changed. If I cannot or will not give you a reason for things to have changed, they haven't. I have begun to plan my death, my escape. I have returned to the old me in order to help others not to worry. This does not mean that I am no longer suicidal. This means that I am protecting you from what is inside me, I have come to realize that I am hurting others by talking about it and decided that they do not deserve such harm.

This is where I have chosen to release you from the pain of having to deal with me. This is the point at which you should be calling the professionals in and having me committed. This is the point where I can no longer see any reason for me to continue living.

I am writing this at this time of year, because this is the time of year when most people feel the least hope for their lives. This is the time of year when people decide their life is no longer worth living. This is the time of year when loved ones get the news of someone taking their own lives. You would think that this would not be so, but it is. It is more difficult for someone like me to deal with happiness and love than it is for me to deal with hurt and hate.

I do want to wish you a merry Christmas and happy holidays, whatever holiday you choose to celebrate. I do wish you joy and peace in the new year and hope that whatever dreams you are pursuing bear fruit in the coming year. I will probably write again before the new year, but, if I don't, I want it to be there for whoever is looking to find it.

I, also, want to say to those who are like me and thinking that life may not be worth living that perhaps you and I both need to start looking around and seeing the things that we do affect in a positive way. There may be someone out there who needs us to let them know how we feel so that they can not feel so very alone. They may need us to look to them for help because they no longer feel useful. They may need us to assure them that their lives are not nearly as miserable as ours are. I don't know, I am not God.

From My life, my choices, my rules on facebook

I do know this. I received a hug from a woman last night at a meeting that made me feel not only cared about and loved, but special. She said she was glad to see me, though the condition I was in was not what she wanted. She said that just seeing me made her feel better. She said that and the look in her eyes was clear and open. She truly was happy to see me. I don't know why. I cannot fathom what I do to give her happiness, but whatever it is I want to keep doing it because she is the most wonderful person I know. She helps a lot of people through a lot of rough and deadly times in their lives. If I can bring a tiny bit of joy to this woman who helps so many, I will continue to fight through the darkness looking for the light. I may not be worth it, but she definitely is!!!

Life on life's terms...

2011-12-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

I have a condition which keeps me locked in a prison of fear most of the time. I cannot go for a walk without someone with me in case I lose control of my arms and legs. I cannot take a shower without someone in the house with me. I must stay in the nearness of others due to my sudden and unwelcome collapse. I need someone close to call 911 if I hurt myself falling.

However, I am an independent and rebellious soul, who refuses to succumb to fear. Therefore, I do stupid things. I go out in the back yard on a cold day to play with the dog and don't tell anyone I am going. I drive to church services when I cannot find a ride. Sometimes, those around me are no help in this matter. I am not laying the blame on them in any fashion. People tend to forget that I have this condition because most of the time I am up and about and taking care of things. However, I do not have the luxury of saying, "Oh, I won't have an episode." I have no idea when they will come...

One time I was laughing with a friend, we were ordering lunch to go at a busy restaurant. We were at the counter and my legs quit working. I thank God that my arms continued to work or I would have been back in the emergency room.

Another time, I was at a convention and carrying my lunch to my table when I slowly lost control of my legs. I looked like someone walking downstairs behind a couch... This was funny.

Another time I was sitting in a truck and my arms wouldn't move to reach for something. It is really hard to explain to people that your body just quits sometimes.

Another time, I was going to get me some coffee in the kitchen and collapsed. I could move neither arms nor legs. Just my head.

One time I was sitting at my computer working on a story, when my arms quit working. I thought I could move my legs, at least. I was wrong. I was stuck in my computer chair for four hours.

I want you to know, I do not lose feeling. I feel the muscles ache to be used. I feel the pinch from the chair that lets you know it is time to change position. I feel the banging of my body parts when someone carrying me accidentally bumps into a wall or doorway. I feel the raw pressure of the bed when I have been in it too long in one position.

I feel other things too. Things inside me. I feel the uselessness, the frustration of being able to care for myself just a little while ago. I feel the questioning of those around me wondering if I am faking it to get attention. Just to set the record straight. No. I do not wish to have this attention. I am not a baby, I like to feed myself. I am not a baby, I like to clean myself after using the restroom! I like to play with my dog outside. I can like to drive places for myself. I like to have my freedom and independence. Most of the time, I can do these things without something happening.

However, when you are outside in the cold, playing with the dog and no one knows your there and you lose control of your legs. A twenty foot walk becomes a marathon. The cold seeps into your bones. Fear creeps into your heart as your mind goes over those news stories about people freezing to death in the winter. Desperation mixes with panic as you contemplate how you will get yourself into the house, stairs become monumental challenges that appear to be insurmountable.

I have been lucky so far. Someone has nearly always found me when I needed help the most. I have spent hours on the floor inside the house when no one was home, but I was warm and safe. I did not hurt myself when I fell, other than a bruise on my hip and a minor bump on my head. However, the floor is not where I would choose to spend my time, had I been given the choice.

I am learning to live life on life's terms. I am learning that I must remind others of my condition when they want me to do something I used to be able to do without worry. I am learning that I must let someone know where I am at all times. I am learning that I can not drive without endangering myself as well as those on the road. I am learning that my independent life is over.

And, for me, that is living life on life's terms today.

My condition

2011-12-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

I found some helpful hints on how to blog on this site. http://www.splatf.com/2011/12/better-blogging/ Thought I would share it with you.

Some of you may be wondering how it is that I can sit here at my computer at all different hours of the day, seven days a week. I have an undiagnosed condition which makes working, not only difficult, but downright dangerous to myself and those around me.

It is a strange condition, which the neurologists believe is psychiatric and psychiatrists believe is neurological. I lose control of my arms and legs, though I still feel everything. Eventually, the control returns and I can resume regular activities, after I have rested from the exhaustion. Sometimes, I become confused right before an episode, sometimes during, and sometimes after. However, the confusion may not appear at all. Sometimes, I only lose control of my legs. Sometimes, I only lose control of my arms. Sometimes, it lasts only for a few minutes. Other times it lasts for eight to ten hours. The only thing dependable about it, is it will happen and it will be unexpected when it does.

I have been through many tests to see if there is a physical reason for this condition. One was a Methylmalonic Acid test. This test is for early and/or mild vitamin b12 deficiency especially at the tissue level; to help diagnose methylmalonic acidemia, a rare inherited metabolic disorder.
One was CPK. This test determines if there is muscle damage, to the heart or otherwise. ONe was TSH to see if it was a thyroid disorder. Another was a plain old CBC which is standard for nearly any sickness. A complete cell count in your blood. One was ANA or antinuclear antibody. This is a test for autoimmune disorders. One was HDL or high density lipoprotein. This is a cholesterol test. One was NMO Antibody test. I cannot find what this test is. One was the test for lyme disease antibody.

These are not all of the tests I underwent. I had neurological tests as well. One test was in my room and in my bed where they hooked wires to my brain. I don't remember hearing anything or if my eyes were open. They took me to a room, hooked more wires on my head, and gave me a test sitting up and focusing on a little box. The other test was laying down with headphones on.

The initial results: We cannot find anything physically wrong with you. We have seen cases like this before which were psychological. We recommend you see a psychiatrist.

I went to the nearest counseling center. They are trying to see if they could be of any help to me at all, while recommending that I see a neurologist.

My regular doctor has given up. There is nothing more that he can to do to help my condition. We have been through everything he can think of, I suppose. I have tried to make sure that my doctor gets all the records from all these different places. I trust my doctor. I trust his judgment.

I have no idea what to do next or where to go. However, I have been denied social security disability because my condition does not preclude me from working.

I walk into a room and the first thing I notice is the danger present. Let's pick the safest room one would normally think of. A nursery. I mean how dangerous could a nursery be, right? Have you looked at the sides of the crib? Have you looked at the edges of the dresser? How strong are these items? Will they get hit and move out of the way or be crushed under a hundred and fifty pounds of dead weight? If they are crushed will they splinter? Will small pieces come off of them and be driven into my body if I fell on them? What about the rocking chair? It seems harmless enough...
However, have you ever thought of a hundred and fifty pounds of weight falling and the pressure that would create on someone's head as it crashes into the seat? or the armrest? What about the end of the rocker arm? Let's move on to the window. Nearly every room has a window. The nursery is for children when they start walking, so we are on the ground floor. We have no furniture near the window so the child will not accidentally fall out while climbing on it. If someone were walking toward it and lost the ability to control their arms and legs, their head would be the first thing to hit the window and break the glass.

Now take those same thoughts and go into the living room and kitchen, the bathroom and bedroom. I have no where I can go and be safe. Even if all the furniture were taken out of every room, you cannot remove the floor. We know from experience as a child that when you hit the floor and your head bangs on it, it can cause a bruise and a bump. At five foot, it can cause possible death.

You may be wondering how I got the courage to write about it. I was reading some of the hubpages. I found someone who was going through the same thing I am going through. Here is the link if you want it: http://jenchistopherson.hubpages.com/

You will have to copy and paste, I think. It does not appear to be a link that you can click on...

She has written several hubs on the subject. I hope that she will continue to let us know what she finds out about her condition. I am curious to see who gets their diagnosis first, her or me.

The day I got Vista Antivirus 2012!!!

2011-12-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocous! Sometimes, that is just all you can say. Good things are happening around me, bad things are happening around me, interesting things are happening around me, frustrating things are happening around me, strange things are happening around me...

I woke this morning without any aches, pains, or negative thoughts in my mind! This is the first time in months I have had this kind of pleasure!!!

I have a friend who has left her abusive boyfriend, whom her church was not pleased that she was with because she is married, and several people in her church have tried to talk her into dropping her restraining order, including the minister!!! The freaking minister wants her to drop her restraining order!!! What a bunch of bullshit!!!

That restraining order is not only protecting her from him, but him from the people who care about her and are willing to go to jail for beating his ass or worse!!!! Why would they want to open everyone up for something like that?

Do they enjoy watching the drama and the pain that surrounds this? Do they really understand what is at stake? Do they even care? Why don't they just stay the hell out of it? How can they be so cruel?

Mom is in a good mood today. She seemed to have worked through whatever was troubling her for the last week or two. I hope she can continue in her growth and serenity.

I am a bit frustrated because I have to borrow a computer to write this. I have somehow exposed my computer to a virus and it has caught pneumonia or something. I have to get a computer doctor to fix it (I know they are called computer technicians, but I like computer doctor).

I was sitting at my computer and a paper started wiggling. I looked under it to see why it was moving and there was nothing there. Okay, could have been air currents or a bug or something. I get that. However, the next thing to start moving was my soda can. It just wiggled, but how weird!!! I do not beleive that air currents or bugs could have done that. After that happened, my computer notified me that my firewall was temporarily shut down for a scan, a scan was in progress by Vista Antivirus 2012, and my webpage was closed.

I talked to a friend of mine and he found out that this new version of Vista Antivirus 2012 is in the computer registry and has to be removed from there, if you want to get rid of it permanantly. So, my computer is shut down until I can get my computer doctor to come and fix it. Hope he isn't busy...

First blog

2011-12-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is my first blog and I am not fully sure what I am supposed to do on a blog. There have been some things going around in my head and I figure I would write about those.

I was talking to a friend of mine a while back and we came upon the topic of "how did this come about?"

I mentioned that it seemed a bit ridiculous to me that we should park on driveways and drive on parkways. I mean shouldn't we call something what it is? She laughed and agreed. I could tell she had not really thought of that before.

Then, she said, "I have always wondered about the first person that ate an egg." I thought about that for a moment. I could not come up with an answer. She said, "What did they do, see a bird and say to themselves "I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of that birds but?" You know what I mean?" I laughed hard enough to make my stomach ache! I could picture some poor, hungry caveman watching the birds in the grass and thinking, "I am hungry enough to eat bird shit!"

I said, "What about the poor guy who had to eat the first moldy bread for antibiotics (Sorry cannot spell penasillan)? What do you think he was thinking?"

"You know someone had to be nearly starved to eat cheese for the first time!" She laughed.

Seriously, though, does anyone have any idea how these things came about, I mean I know about the antibiotics.

Does anyone have any ideas as to how the eating of these foods came about?

eggs
cheese
pigs feet
pig nose
cow tongue
mountain oysters
oyster
clams
mushrooms
hot dogs

I would enjoy reading about any ideas you come up with. I may even share them in a blog sometime! :-)