im thinking it must be.  cause i mean the way i see it, and ladies, maybe you’ll feel me here, but you know that dude that steps to you mad inappropriately as you’re on your way to work or the bus or wherever you may be going?  ‘damn shawty that ass is fat!  yo man can’t treat that right, let me hold that real quick!’ now for us classy broads with standards and offendable sensibilities, we are appalled.  we are disgusted that this motherfucker just stepped to us that way, that he thinks this is a good idea.  we cannot believe that this works on anyone, ever.

but it does!  it has to.  if it didnt work, he’d switch it up.  somewhere, somebody out there is giggling and taking out her eyeliner to write her number on his palm or some Zane-esque shit like that.

i feel like this is sort of the same thing.  im sittin on my couch and im just bombarded with black people doin spoken word tryna sell me some shit and i just get so angry.  like yo!  why is this the way you feel like you need to communicate with me, mcdonald’s?  is Rhyme the secret native language of African America?  subway, what is your excuse?  are you tryin to make up for the lack of hot sauce and collard greens in ur new tuscan chicken melt by wrapping it in really bad poetry?  i will grant you this though.. the last dude?  the one that goes ‘whaaaaaat?‘  he’s type funny.  i will approve of him. but nothing else!

but really though, it has to be working.  its been goin on for far too long.  i think maybe it’s the safe bet on how to reach out to black people.  poetry is corny, pretentious and masturbatory classy.  big natural hair is like a two-for-one affirmative action special the international symbol for self-love and acceptance, superficially/stereotypically.  SOMEbody is sittin at home when this shit comes on, headwrapped in a cloud of nag champa, makin plans to get a mccafe to give as an offering to please the god Shango.  i just know it.  who is it?  who amongst you is it?? STAND AND BE RIDICULED!

i know these aint new but i been meanin to publicly shake my head at them for awhile.

hate that damn guy.  not dwele, the dude in the beginning.  ask me, this is way cooler.

|source|

hello, sweet babies!!

if you pay any attention here at all, you know that ive neglected this little spot of cyberspace once again.  you also know that i just made a pretty big move from philly, pa to louisville, ky.  things are finally settling down, and im thinkin and hopin and wishin that i’ll be able to get back to updating around here.

im also playing with an idea.  some of you who know me beyond this broken, mcpoverished realm know that in addition to writing about bad boob jobs and horrendous weaveature, i also fancy myself a serious aspiring novelist/playwright/screenwriter/trashy black urban lit writer/some kinda writer (still havent really decided yet).  since change is supposed to bring about creativity, and since this move has been a BIG freakin change, lemme tell ya, im gonna try to reign that creativity early, get some writing done and… maybe put some up here?  you know, just on the off chance that Mr. Big Important Literary Agent happens to stop by here to see what kind of ridiculousness aretha franklin is wearing/eating lately.  i dunno.  just a thought.

SO!  GREAT FUCKING NEWS!!!

its two-fold!  i dunno if yall knew this, but cedric the entertainer has always been one of my favorite comedian actor type people.  i just think he’s hilarious.  once, way long ago, he made an appearance on mad tv (remember when that show was funny?) in a skit called Dr. Funkenstein vs Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde that absolutely positively KILLED me.  since youtube was invented ive been tryin to find it there, and guess what.

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!   AAAAHHH IT FEELS LIKE A FREAKIN HOLIDAY IN MY FUNNY BONE!!

im totally gonna put it here so that everyone can share my joy.  as an added bonus, i found one of my favorite episodes of Que Hora Es, a spanish language soap opera for people who have only had 3 weeks of spanish.  it was one of my favorite sketches on Ced’s sketch comedy show, Cedric the Entertainer Presents.  i swear, NOBODY remembers this show, and if they do, they dont find it nearly as hilarious as i do/did.  i’m puttin that here too.  you welcome!

LESS GO KILL MO PEEPUHS!!!

got this from the good ppls @ postbourgie.

okay.  maybe he’s crazy with grief.  but i think its common knowledge that he’s just fucking crazy, flat out.  promoting ur business at a time like this?

how do u grow up sane with this behind the wheel? blood is on the dancefloor, blood is on… joe jackson’s hands?

a quick post-script:  things will be slow around here for a little while; im in the middle of a humungous, annoying move from philly to louisville, ky.  so im alive!  and i havent forgotten abt u!  im just being tortured with boxes and packing tape!

really, white people?  yall thought this was wise?

known also as:  ‘The Sugar’

holy  balls!!  i cant even remember what delicious path of light and luck i was travelling down when i stumbled upon this gem but, omg.  this shit is marvelous for several reasons, which i shall detail to you right here and right now.

1.  the title. this book is called BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!  just like that.  all capital letters.  think im lyin?  look up there at the book cover.

2.  the cover. between everything being written in capital letters, and my  girl’s hair and outfit, its safe to say that the only thing that can make this cover any better is ninjas and unicorns.  also, i dont know if u can see it, but beneath that lovely picture is a little by-line that gives u a hint to the goodness to be had once you compose yourself enough to get past the brilliance of the cover and actually open the book:  MANY FALSE CHRIST MARRIAGES ARE LIVING ON BIRTH CONTROL AND NOW LEADING THE AMERICAN CHURCH WEALTH!  o shit!  u see that exclamation point?  its about to get real!

oh also i should point this out… dont let the early 90s bumper curl fool you.  this book was published in 2008.

3.  the entire book is written in capital letters. i shit you not.  look at this screenshot:

told you!

4.  holy shit, did you read any of that??! so im still not too sure what this book is about, perse, but the main idea is that birth control = bad.  also bad:  proper punctuation, subject-verb agreement, and common sense.  THE FOCUS OF A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES IS NOW: **HOW CUTE A PASTOR WIFE CAN DRESS FOR THE CHURCHES IMAGE. <– that’s an actual excerpt from this book.

5.  it costs $138 motherfucking dollars. and the USED ones cost even more! if it sucked, would it cost so freakin much?  i think not.

6.  the customer images. thankfully, a good majority of amazon.com users are assholes.  go take a look at the images that reviewers of this book uploaded.

7.  the customer reviews. remember when i said that a good majority of amazon.com users are assholes?  omg.  just freakin look:

THIS THE BOOK IS A FASCINATING READ and also I ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH!!, May 22, 2009

By	Suzanne C (Vienna, Va) – See all my reviews

Is birth control sinful in Christian marriages? How can I convince children to avoid becoming priests, thereby robbing God of much needed pre-teen evangelists? Philosophers have been debating these questions for centuries!!

Finally, someone has had the courage to answer both of these key questions in one single tome. The answers are “yes” and “don’t, unless you want to get smited,” respectively.

Buy this book!! It would be a bargain even if not for a generous 10% the discount and also free the shipping.

A five-star book, but minus one star for wasting capital letters (we’re in a recession — come on!) and minus one more star for the hairdo. Sorry, but at $150 a pop, you shouldn’t need to sell many copies of this book to be able to afford a good stylist, honey. That’s THREE STARS! Not bad!

GREAT READ!!!!!!!!, May 11, 2009

By	Jason – See all my reviews

THIS BOOK IS FANTASTIC! IT HAS MADE ME REALIZE JUST HOW MANY PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN I HAVE ROBBED GOD OF. I HAVE THROWN AWAY ALL OF MY CONDOMS AND REPLACED ALL OF MY GIRLFRIEND’S BIRTHCONTROL PILLS WITH TIC-TACS SO THAT WE WILL NO LONGER BE CONSIDERED SINNERS. THANK YOU ELIYZABETH, YOU HAVE SCREAMED SOME SENSE INTO ME.

CAN I PURCHASE THIS BOOK FOR THE KINDLE? AND WILL IT BE ELIYZABETH SCREAMING THE BOOK TO ME?

I’VE FOUND THE LIGHT WITH MY CAPS LOCK KEY, March 12, 2009

By	G. Foster (Gville) – See all my reviews

WHENEVER I ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE CAPS LOCK KEY IN THE PAST, A LITTLE LIGHT WOULD COME ON. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT LIGHT WAS JESUS TRYING TO GET AT MY BRAIN. BUT ONCE I LET HIM IN AND BURNED ALL MY BOOKS AND CONDOMS, I REALIZED THAT THE ONLY CHRISTIAN WAY TO WRITE IS IN ALL CAPS. OTHERWISE THE HOLY SPIRIT WON’T GET ACROSS TO ANYBODY!

THIS IS A FANTASTIC BOOK BUT MY BOOKSHELF IS A BIT SPARSE AS AFTER READING IT I BURNED ALL MY OTHER BOOKS, INCLUDING THE BIBLES AS THEY WERE WRITTEN PARTIALLY IN LOWERCASE LETTERS, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, THE DEVIL’S RUNES. CAN ANYONE RECOMMEND ME A GOOD ALLCAPS BIBLE?

INSPIRING., March 11, 2009

By	kayte “kayte” (los angeles, ca) – See all my reviews

I SEE NOW THAT MY NON-PREGNANT WAYS ARE AN ABOMINATION. I AM NOW PREPARING TO FORGET ALL ABOUT MY MASTER’S DEGREE AND GIVE UP MY CAREER, SETTLE DOWN WITH A MAN IN FORCED MARRIAGE, AND COMMENCE BABY FACTORY ACTIVITIES.

i’m gonna end this by giving you some advice:  my birthday is april 29th.  if you, during that time, feel the need to spend $135 on the *perfect* gift for me… DO NOT GET ME THIS BOOK. thanks in advance!

if ever there was a time for me to be a proud semi-philadelphian

well first let me say that i really really hope the guy whose ass they beat is the guy who committed this crime

then let me say… HELL YEAH!  BEAT HIS ASS!!  then tattoo ‘I RAPE BABIES’ on his forehead and throw his ass in a cell with a bunch of really, really large men who think he has a pretty mouth.

dudes who beat this guy’s ass wont face charges.  the official reaction of the president of the fraternal order of police:  ‘so be it.’  i love it.  plus it looks like they get reward money!

Video: Rape ‘Person Of
Interest’ Beaten

so sometimes when im at my computer and extra bored, i’ll think of a random word and do a google image search on it and laugh at the random pictures i get.  today’s word:  racist.  fun times ahead!

dont it look like she in the middle of sayin ‘fuck YOU, white boy!!!’?

i totally forgot that lolcats used to be funny

well, there goes Jerome’s future. 

wtf??

i’ll take ‘Places NOT to Have the Jenkins Family Reunion’ for $500, Alex.

this blog isnt about me, but id like to tell you a little bit about myself.

i was born and raised in louisville, ky and raised by a single mother.  she and i look a lot alike, and as i grew older i discovered we have a lot of the same talents.  i started writing poetry when i was 8 years old up until i was about 18.  somewhere in between then, i found a book that my mother used to keep as a young woman.  on the pages were poems she had written by hand for years.  writing is pretty much the only thing id really shown a passion for as i went through school, and by the time i hit high school, it was pretty much assumed that whatever i would end up doing in life would involve writing.  first i wanted to be a published and famous poet.  then a playwright, and now.. novelist?  screenwriter?  i dont know yet. that’s why i started this blog, to keep me writing something, anything, until i figure it out.

but to hell with all that shit now yo.  i want to be a fuckin SHAOLIN MONK!!!!

i totally fell in love with them last night.  i mean i already knew they were awesome, but i think in my head they were just like these little cute guys who knew some form of martial arts but used them more so for like, street performances and such.  their moves always looked pretty as opposed to instilling fear in me.  no, these dudes will kill the life out of you.  or at least they can.  they prefer not to, but holy son of a bitch, they will.

going into this matchup i knew little abt both groups, but i knew that the maori were brutal.  and i mean we saw one bite the throat out of an opponent in the re-enactments.  they also liked to scare the shit out of u, too, hence the tattooed faces and the yellin and the screamin and whatnot.  oh, they were cannibals too.  see this face?

hi! these are my tonsils. AND YOUR GRAVE!!

they opened their mouths and stuck out their tongues to say ‘after i kill u, im going to eat you, and u will be able to do nothing about it seeing as how you’ll be dead.  nyah nyah!”  ..yeah. all that coolness considered, i still wanted the monks to win.  just cause they’re so freakin cute!!  all the jumpin and the ‘hi-yaaah!’in and the splits in the middle of a move for seemingly no reason.  precious!

spoilers (eventually) after the jump!

after they gave a quick overview of the weapons to be used,  i thought it was a bit of a lopsided matchup.  the monks had some REALLY kickass steel weaponry goin on.  the maoris’ weapons were essentially wood and jade.  and teeth.  that’s not to downplay their power of course, cause they had some amazing weapons, but come on.  i dont care who u are, a wooden spear can only do so much against a sharpened steel blade.

and speaking of sharpened steel blades.. i need two of these NOW.

these are the motherfreakin twin hooks, officially ranked in my book among the killiest weapons ive seen thus far this season.  they offer many different avenues for the grand trip to death.  use the blades on the back as a sword.  use the sharpened ends as daggers.  use the hooks to disembowel at will.  its nice to have a choice, right?

i actually saw a lot of really cool stuff that they didnt talk abt on the show, which reminded me of zero’s critiques from the yakuza/mafia episode.  i also remember him bringing up how the evaluations never account for defensive moves and counter attacks; poor Joe Torso is just sittin sedentary  gettin his ass whooped all around the block while the offender is lookin like the baddest thing ever created because he’s plucked out his eyes with these babies.  no, really.  he plucked them eyes smooooth out with one end.  THEN, he turned the piercers around, went bat shit, and see that down there on the right?  that’s what was left.

again.. i feel like (with a few push ups) i could prolly maybe do that if im

I CAN'T SEE SHIT

promised that the poor sumbitch on the business end of my piercers wont have arms.  but still.  in. sane.  lol dude was MAD.

now the maori had some awesomness too, and for awhile i actually thought they were going to get it.  they often used your everyday household sea creatures to make weapons, such as the barbs from a sting ray’s stinger (remember what one did to poor steve irwin?) and the teeth from a deadly man devouring shark.  but i think my favorite was the mere, a club made of jade passed down from the ancestors.  literally; look how old this dude is.  that’s a mere he’s holding.  and he’s OLD, like.. steve burns old or some shit, i dont know.  point is, this pretty little thing crushed the entire holy living hell out of a bull’s skull.  note:  bull’s skulls are twice as thick as human skulls.  one blow.

but alas, the shaolin monks reigned supreme. im still not too sure how fair a matchup this was weapons wise, but even beyond that, the monks kick more ass.  and look like poetry whilst doin it.

NEXT WEEK!  A RACE WAR I CAN FINALLY TAKE A PERSONAL STANCE ON!  AFRICA VS WHITE PEOPLE!  SHAKA ZULU VS WILLIAM WALLACE!  u already know whose side im on.  I DO THIS FOR MY CULTURE!!!!

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