ABC

I promised — and I mean PROMISED —  myself I wasn’t going to get sucked into the swirling public toilet that is “The Bachelorette” this season. I made this self-proclamation for two reasons: 1) Because a bunch of crazy women are WAY more fun to watch than a bunch of crazy men (which is why “Bachelor Pad” and “The Bachelor” are far more entertaining shows) and 2) I was faily confident that Emily would make a three-day conference on composting seem exciting.

And then it came on and I saw lil’ miss Barbie sitting there on a park bench, looking up and off into the wild, blue yonder, blinking incessantly because the TV crew had probably set up a 4 million candlepower light pointing directly in her eyes and two dozen or so industrial fans to make her hair stand straight out and I. Was. Hooked.

Damn you, ABC.

As it turns out … Emily? Yeah, not as boring as I thought. I mean, I don’t know about you but I don’t think I could have handled meeting a man dressed up as an old woman, a dude carrying an ostrich egg, a guy with hair taller than Conan O’Brien’s, a bug-eyed dad and his glass slipper, and a electric green shirt-wearing boombox toting guido attempting to dance/distract from having a seizure without busting out laughing and/or vomiting. So, I am willing to admit I might have been wrong about her. But before I start giving her too many high fives I must remind both my readers that this is still the same woman who fell in love with Brad “Deluxe Velveeta Package” Womack. (Steee-rike.)

The premiere was classic first episode matchmaking TV with plenty of over-the-top arrivals (skateboard, helicopter, etc.), chest puffing (DJ Guido pulling off the incredibly unlikely task of somehow making this guy look like the lesser of two douches), an awkward profession of love through a medium (this time it wasn’t a poem or a song but a reenactment via bobble head dolls), and of course the proverbial “She doesn’t know what she’s missing” guy (played by Captain Abs).

In the end though, I got the feeling that I’m going to be pleasantly surprised by this season since Emily kept quite a few of the really terrible guys and punted a few decent seeming ones. I am really hoping the DJ wins so that he can keep running back and forth from his iPod to the dance floor on his wedding night, all out of breath, going, “You … guys are going to love … this next one!”

Check back next week for my synopsis of episode 2 after what I hope are several awkward, “Oh, so, wait … Ricki’s really staying with us in the fantasy suite?” moments.

ME: “Any chance River was playing with the remote yesterday?”

MY WIFE: (Laughs) “How did you know?”

ME: (Pointing at TV screen.)

Now that I’ve had a few days to process the entire situation I can’t help but laugh. I mean, yes it’s porn but it could have been WAY worse: He could have bought “The Notebook” or anything with Katherine Heigl in it. But on the other hand, this little lapse in parenting cost us 13 stinking dollars. But the worst part? Armani Staxxx is only in it for, like, 45 seconds TOPS.

It’s a duck in a box, yeah.

7:57 p.m. First dilemma of the evening: I can’t decide whether to clip my toenailz or watch the first 5 minutez of tonight’z epizode.

8:00 p.m. Zeeing that “Lorax” commercial remindz me that I am 100 percent certain Danny Devito would have made a better Bachelor than Ben.

8:03 p.m. I feel like there was a zolid joke there with Courtney petting that cat but I’m too drunk to find it. Damn you Zima Colt 45! Aaaaaaand, cue David Effing Gray.

8:07 p.m. Ben’z Zizter just laughed when Ben zaid, “Zhe’z the one who rode up on a horze.” A bad zign if you azked me. (Note: I’m zwitching back to uzing S’z not becauze I don’t like the Z’z but becauze my ztupid autocorrect keepz changing all of them and I don’t have the patience to keep overruling it.)

8:13 p.m. LINDZZEEEE: “It’s a huge deal to look somebody you just met in the eye and tell them you’re in love with their son.” So true, girl. Especially if it’s their sister. (Drops fork. Walks off stage.)

8:20 p.m. I’m really regretting not choosing to clip my toenails.

8:24 p.m. Lucky for Courtney, Ben’s jacket is going to distract from her being a bitch.

8:26 p.m. Kudos to Ben’s sister for doing her best to make this episode not suck. As much.

8:29 p.m. Right now, in the direct sunlight, I’m pretty sure Ben’s sister is thinking, “What kind of model is she?”

8:32 p.m. “Way to go Ben’s Sweater! You did it! Ben’s mom and sister didn’t even recognize that Courtney was a manipulative beyotch! A-plus! Now, hop in the car and let’s go to dinner. I got us reservations at this great little Italian place called The Salvation Army.”

8:39 p.m. #WWBDD? (Ben’s Dad, not Bryce Donovan.)

8:41 p.m. I like to imagine all the times the family is parting ways and one of them says, “OK, love you too. See you in a minute” and the director gets pissed and yells “CUT!” because they need to reshoot the “reality TV” scene.

8:47 p.m. BEN: “I was thinking we could go skiing.”

LINDZZEEEE: “REALLY?!”

BEN: “Yeah. You can do it in North Carolina and I’ll do it here.”

LINDZEEEE: “Wait. What?”

BEN: (coughs) “I’m banging Courtney.”

8:56 p.m. MY WIFE: “Seriously? That was her dress from two episodes ago. Wait, are you typing that? Don’t say I said that. (Pause.) It might have been three weeks ago.”

9:03 p.m. During commercials my wife keeps playing this Russian Roulette game where she rewinds to see the parts she missed while I’m sitting there silently thinking, “Shit. Please hurry up and fast forward back to live so I can have some material to write about and don’t have to buy time by explaining to everybody how you are a blow up doll and that I actually sat on the stupid remote control.”

9:07 p.m. NO SHIT! A helicopter! They are pulling out all the stops for this episode!

9:08 p.m. I’m calling bullshit. I would argue that’s not even in your top 10 helicopter rides, Ben.

9:18 p.m. After Courtney just said, “I have a history of just giving and giving and guys just always took from me,” I’m 100 percent positive there are at least six guys sitting and home screaming “BULLSHIT!” at their TVs.

9:27 p.m. I still can’t wait for my favorite part of the finale: When the bachelor meets with the swarthy ring guy and he subtly says things like, “Ooooooorrrr, you could go with the Neil Lane Brand Diamond Ring NLBDR Model Neil Lane Brand Diamond Ring ring that is also available on Neil Lane Diamond Ring.com.”

9:29 p.m. My buddy Reid just asked, “Why did Courtney’s snow angel make an imprint of the devil?” EXcellent question.

9:31 p.m. Ah, the 8-minute montage of shit we’ve already seen 15 times so that they can sell six more ads at $50k a piece. Well played, ABC.

9:34 p.m. Oh. My. God. We have to wait 25 more minutes to see LindZZZeee cry? This is painful.

9:42 p.m. Well hello, Gandolph.

9:45 p.m. Even though I knew this was going to happen, it’s still painful to watch. Consider yourself lucky, LindZZZZeee.

9:47 p.m. Props to LindZZZZeee for calling sloppy seconds.

9:55 p.m. Here comes OJ for the proposal.

9:59 p.m. Right now Courtney is thinking, “Oh. My. God … I’m WINNING!!”

10:01 p.m. Crap. I’ve got to do 60 more minutes of this?

10:03 p.m. Oh, yeah. That’s right. I am my own boss. I’M OUT BITCHES!!!! Enjoy the inevitable breakup that actually happened faster than I thought. And Ben, remember LindZZZZeee is waiting for your call.

So buckle up your monobrows and get ready for some serious dung throwing as the remaining three “ladies” vie for the crown of Mrs. 20th of 22nd Marriage to Fail. As always, the cat fight begins at 8:00 p.m. EST sharp. See you then …

8:01 p.m. Early call: LindZZZZZeee is going home. To look for the s missing from her name.

8:02 p.m. Am I the only one who thinks the only thing more boring that Ben as the Bachelor is Emily as the Bachelorette? ABC could print fucking money if they put Courtney and Bentley on the next one. (I am making the logical assumption that Courtney will get picked and then break up with Ben 18 minutes after the cameras stop rolling.)

8:06 p.m. Oh cool. Another flashback.

8:08 p.m. Best Bachelor montage ever: Courtney’s A Bitch Compilation, No. 14.

8:19 p.m. Not to gun you down, Nicki, but I could think of about 100 places that would be better to be in love than Switzerland. Just off the top of my head …

Albania

Algeria

American Samoa

Andorra

Angola

Anguilla

Antigua and Barbuda

Argentina

Aruba

Ashmore and Cartier Islands

Australia

Austria

The Bahamas

Barbados

Belgium

Belize

Bermuda

Bolivia

Bouvet Island

Brazil

British Virgin Islands

Canada

Cape Verde

Cayman Islands

Chile

Cook Islands

Coral Sea Islands

Costa Rica

Cote d’Ivoire

Cuba

Cyprus

Czech Republic

Denmark

Dominica

Dominican Republic

Ecuador

Fiji

Finland

French Guiana

French Polynesia

Greece

Grenada

Guam

Hong Kong

Italy

Jamaica

Japan

Malta

Martinique

Mexico

Monaco

Morocco

Navassa Island

New Zealand

Nicaragua

Norfolk Island

Norway

Panama

Papua New Guinea

Peru

Philippines

Puerto Rico

Saint Kitts and Nevis

Saint Lucia

Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Samoa

Seychelles

Solomon Islands

Spain

Sweden

Thailand

Trinidad and Tobago

Turks and Caicos Islands

Dollywood

8:26 p.m. Whoa. Nicki accepted the In Tha Butt Suite invitation? I did NOT see that coming!

8:28 p.m. Nicki: “I don’t want him to have anything unanswered.” Translation: “No orifice is off limits tonight.”

8:32 p.m. A helicopter? A girl accepting the invitation to the Fantasy Suite? A date involving a girl who’s afraid of heights? This episode has EVERYTHING!*

*previous episodes had along with no discernible new ideas or concepts.

8:35 p.m. So do you think the producers just give Ben a couple of 32 oz. Gatorades and are like, “OK, now here’s LindZZZeee!”?

8:38 p.m. Could these two jokers have worn more ill-suitable footwear? Speaking of which, I can’t tell which is thicker: the leather on LindZZZeee’s boots or her makeup.

8:43 p.m. I wish the Fantasy Suite card said, “Interested in sloppy seconds?”

8:46 p.m. Is Ben going on CNN after dinner? #nicefuckingbowtie

8:48 p.m. I’ve decided that they should have Fantasy Suites starting Day One. UPSIDE: We’d be able to identify the how earlier. DOWNSIDE: Ha! Good one. There is no downside. UPSIDE NO. 2: Ben wouldn’t be able to walk for the entire second episode.

8:50 p.m. Ha! Awesome. LindZZZeee is the first this season to bust out the, “I’m not normally a skank who sleeps with a guy I’ve only been on five completely unrealistic dates with but this time is different because you’re only banging two other women that I know of.”

8:51 p.m. And that would be the voice of the baton twirler.

8:56 p.m. The only thing better than a mobile device that is in between the size of a phone and a tablet (Samsung Galaxy Note) is a regular-sized phone or tablet. Or a desktop computer. Or a Magic 8 Ball.

8:58 p.m. COURTNEY: “It’s one of the most amazing places I’ve ever been.” Better than Orlando or any of the other exotic places you’ve visited in your “modeling” career?

9:00 p.m. Why do girls continue to think the Bachelor has jack to do with anything that happens on any of the dates? Seriously, I’m betting this is how the pre-production meeting for this episode went:

PRODUCER: “OK, Ben, we’re going to take you and the ladies to Switzerland this week.”

BEN: “Cool, I love Ikea!”

9:14 p.m. This might be the first time in Bachelor history where the girl is like, “Why don’t you camera guys stick around?”

9:18 p.m. COURTNEY: “It doesn’t get much more romantic than this.” Oh how right you are, Courtney. I see lots of Netflix nights over skunked wine that couldn’t be sold to a restaurant in your future once the show is over. Wait. Who am I kidding. I see “Bachelor Pad” in your future. And I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

9:20 p.m. How many takes do you think it took them to get that exiting the theater shot without somebody’s cooch showing? Too far? Not far enough? I’m just going to assume you voted for No. 2.

9:27 p.m. Good thinking Kacie. These things always turn out well.

9:34 p.m. Ah the irony. How many people do you think have had sex on that hotel hallway floor Kacie is lying on?

9:49 p.m. OK Ben, let’s close this lame episode with a strong finish. See if all three ladies will go to the Fantasy Suite before you make your final decision. Or, at the very least, invite Chris Harrison up there with you.

9:51 p.m. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let Chris Harrison come back out after he gives out the first rose and go, “Ladies. Ben. This is the final rose of the night.”

9:56 p.m. Tonight’s two losers.

(NOTE: It appears LindZZZeeee is looking painfully at Nicki while Courtney is thinking, “Wait. Did I remember to move my clothes from the washer to the dryer?”)

10:00 p.m. OK gang, we’ll do it again next week when one of these women makes the biggest mistake of their lives.

8:01 p.m. I can’t wait to see the family Courtney rented from the modeling agency she supposedly works for.

8:03 p.m. I really wish Ben would have shown up on a horse of his own just to upstage LindZZZZeeee. Or better yet in a Hummer while eating a horse burger.

8:04 p.m. EARLY LEADER FOR QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Horses have been my life since … before I was born.” — LindZZZZZeeee

8:06 p.m. I hope Ben looks into the picnic basket and goes, “OK, so I’ve got horseradish sauce, Colt 45, Philly cream cheese, and, um, let’s see, Elmer’s glue so we can make macaroni art.”

8:14 p.m. Was the dog really riding on the back of the horse cart? Wait. Were they really racing horse carts? Wait. Is LindZZZeee really calling Ben her “boyfriend”?

8:22 p.m. I just said how this episode is dragging and my wife wisely pointed out that they rarely lead with the biggest train wreck. So smart, that woman (except for the whole saying “I do” thing). I am so glad we met each other on that reality dating show. I’ve said too much …

8:26 p.m Kacie: “I’m so excited to see Ben.” My wife: “Then WHY did you wear THAT?”

8:28 p.m. I had no idea baton twirling was so intensive. Kacie B. is completely out of breath after that 18 second number.

8:28 p.m. “And after that he sold sporting goods. So he was VERY involved in the community.” Well I think that goes without saying, Kacie B.

8:29 p.m. Is Kacie B. sporting the Bill Bellichick collection?

8:38 p.m. KACIE B’S DAD: “Ben, there’s something I’ve been waiting all night to ask you.”

BEN: (Gulps) “OK.”

KACIE B’S DAD: “Would you like an O’Douls?

8:42 p.m. Kacie B’s parents are ruining any shot she might have had at being miserable with Ben for seven weeks. And just as an aside, who the hell is glad somebody has concerns?

8:44 p.m. KACIE B’S DAD-TO-ENGLISH TRANSLATOR: Eez = is; Lof = life; Mm-K = don’t make me whoop your ass on national television, gurl.

8:48 p.m. I kind of feel like Activia is missing their core demographic by advertising during “The Bachelor.” Honestly, I thought ABC only allowed Zima and Tampax commercials to run. So confused …

8:52 p.m. Holy cliche machine! I fully expect them to take a Ford F-150 to a cigarette factory from here.

9:07 p.m. Annnnnd Dad makes the same mistake twice.

9:17 p.m. I like how Courtney’s dad matched his sweater vest with the tablecloth.

9:31 p.m. $100 says Courtney is drawing a picture of herself.

9:36 p.m. Another $100 says this mock wedding would be 500 times more enjoyable their actual one.

9:41 p.m. I hope that these hometown dates taught Ben some valuable lessons. Like that drinking is wrong, horses can solve all the world’s problems, and Courtney’s baby voice is so annoying it could even get Tim Tebow to commit double homicide.

9:55 p.m. Wow. I totally though Kacie B. was going to be one of the final two. But that whole “can’t have sex until you’ve been married for 25 years” thing that her mom and dad laid out to Ben might have been a deal breaker.

10:00 p.m. Tonight’s winner of the dodged-a-huge-bullet-but-doesn’t-know-it-yet sweepstakes.

See you at the crime scene again next week …

Then again, maybe I’m just overreacting.