8:01 p.m. I can’t wait to see the family Courtney rented from the modeling agency she supposedly works for.

8:03 p.m. I really wish Ben would have shown up on a horse of his own just to upstage LindZZZZeeee. Or better yet in a Hummer while eating a horse burger.

8:04 p.m. EARLY LEADER FOR QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Horses have been my life since … before I was born.” — LindZZZZZeeee

8:06 p.m. I hope Ben looks into the picnic basket and goes, “OK, so I’ve got horseradish sauce, Colt 45, Philly cream cheese, and, um, let’s see, Elmer’s glue so we can make macaroni art.”

8:14 p.m. Was the dog really riding on the back of the horse cart? Wait. Were they really racing horse carts? Wait. Is LindZZZeee really calling Ben her “boyfriend”?

8:22 p.m. I just said how this episode is dragging and my wife wisely pointed out that they rarely lead with the biggest train wreck. So smart, that woman (except for the whole saying “I do” thing). I am so glad we met each other on that reality dating show. I’ve said too much …

8:26 p.m Kacie: “I’m so excited to see Ben.” My wife: “Then WHY did you wear THAT?”

8:28 p.m. I had no idea baton twirling was so intensive. Kacie B. is completely out of breath after that 18 second number.

8:28 p.m. “And after that he sold sporting goods. So he was VERY involved in the community.” Well I think that goes without saying, Kacie B.

8:29 p.m. Is Kacie B. sporting the Bill Bellichick collection?

8:38 p.m. KACIE B’S DAD: “Ben, there’s something I’ve been waiting all night to ask you.”

BEN: (Gulps) “OK.”

KACIE B’S DAD: “Would you like an O’Douls?

8:42 p.m. Kacie B’s parents are ruining any shot she might have had at being miserable with Ben for seven weeks. And just as an aside, who the hell is glad somebody has concerns?

8:44 p.m. KACIE B’S DAD-TO-ENGLISH TRANSLATOR: Eez = is; Lof = life; Mm-K = don’t make me whoop your ass on national television, gurl.

8:48 p.m. I kind of feel like Activia is missing their core demographic by advertising during “The Bachelor.” Honestly, I thought ABC only allowed Zima and Tampax commercials to run. So confused …

8:52 p.m. Holy cliche machine! I fully expect them to take a Ford F-150 to a cigarette factory from here.

9:07 p.m. Annnnnd Dad makes the same mistake twice.

9:17 p.m. I like how Courtney’s dad matched his sweater vest with the tablecloth.

9:31 p.m. $100 says Courtney is drawing a picture of herself.

9:36 p.m. Another $100 says this mock wedding would be 500 times more enjoyable their actual one.

9:41 p.m. I hope that these hometown dates taught Ben some valuable lessons. Like that drinking is wrong, horses can solve all the world’s problems, and Courtney’s baby voice is so annoying it could even get Tim Tebow to commit double homicide.

9:55 p.m. Wow. I totally though Kacie B. was going to be one of the final two. But that whole “can’t have sex until you’ve been married for 25 years” thing that her mom and dad laid out to Ben might have been a deal breaker.

10:00 p.m. Tonight’s winner of the dodged-a-huge-bullet-but-doesn’t-know-it-yet sweepstakes.

See you at the crime scene again next week …

Then again, maybe I’m just overreacting.

But we love it and for that I say let’s do this again. Hold on tight, I’m calling at least one open hand slap to the face (not sure whether it will be girl on guy or girl on girl) tonight in 3 … 2 … 1 …

8:01 p.m. As if sensing the quality of upcoming programming, my dog just audibly farted.

8:06 p.m. Six minutes in and we already have tears. This is going to be a good episode. (Not to mention my prediction is starting to look good.)

8:11 p.m. Gay tank top sighting No. 2. (Waiting on the techno version of “This Year’s Love.”)

8:13 p.m. I really hope the helicopter goes up to 15,000 feet to drop them out.

8:15 p.m. What if I want to date BOTH the next bachelor and bachelorette?

8:19 p.m. In case there are any other people out there with an IQ under 30 I just need to say this to alleviate any confusion you might have: BEN IS NOT PLANNING THESE FUCKING DATES.

8:21 p.m. Just kidding. He totally plans them all. He also comes up with all those catchy panty-droppers like, “Do you Belize in love?”

8:24 p.m. Or — and I’m just spitballing here — you two could write a note that says, “Just got laid after drinking five bottles of wine.”‘

8:29 p.m. Humira ad constructive criticism: When playing Playstation 2 you don’t have to move around.

8:33 p.m. I REALLY wanted to see a montage of Ben air balling layups.

8:35 p.m. I can only guess Ben crapped his pants because I didn’t see anything spontaneous during that interaction.

8:39 p.m. QUICK EPISODE UPDATE: Commercials geared to women thus far: 14. Commercials geared to cats: 1. Commercials geared to men: 0. Why do I feel like somebody’s trying to tell me something about my choice of programming?

8:44 p.m. Just for the record, I don’t think a smart person every gets tired of being told they’re smart. On the flip side people with a mom who made them perform a one-man play entitled, “99.99 percent effective, yeah right; thanks Trojan,” do get tired of being asked to reprise that role every Christmas when my family is in town.

8:57 p.m. 5:1 odds that Courtney has Rufinol in her ring. (“Hey Ben, what’s that over there?”)

9:01 p.m. General male observation: Women who go from depressed to giddy are DEFINITELY the kind of woman you want to marry. Assuming you are never left alone with them and/or any sharp object.

9:02 p.m. Ben, I hate to call you on this one, but I’m pretty sure “your” expression, “Oh, my, dad” is ripped off from Will Ferrell playing Jesus on SNL. (Anyone who can find a link to this awesome video please e-mail me.)

9:15 p.m. As bad as I thought last week’s episode was this one is 10 times worse. I am strongly considering switching to “Two and a Half Men.”

9:16 p.m. Just joking. I haven’t had any blunt force trauma to my head so I would throw my coffee table through the TV before I watched that show.

9:21 p.m. Gay tank top No. 3.

9:22 p.m. At risk of getting all dorky here, I’m pretty sure those are nurse sharks (not sand sharks as Captain Outdoors called them) which would rather beach themselves to watch “Jaws” than attack a human being.

9:24 p.m. OK, my high school biology teacher just called me and he said not only am I a dork but he reminded me that I also got a D in his class.

9:41 p.m. SAT QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: Krazy: Glue:: Courtney:

A. Greece’s economy.

B. A see-saw with a fat kid on one side and nobody on the other.

C. Deez ____.

D. All of the above.

9:48 p.m. SPOILER ALERT!!!

BEN: “Courtney, can I talk to you for a second?”

COURTNEY: “Winning!”

BEN: “What?”

COURTNEY: “Smell ya later!”

BEN: “I’m not following you.”

COURTNEY: “I know you are but what am I?”

BEN: “You’re an idiot. But I’m keeping you around because you like taking your clothes off around me.”

9:53 p.m. And now the moment very few of us are still awake for …

9:58 p.m. YES!!!!!! HA HA!! YES!!!

9:59 p.m. Hard to believe this is the image of a winner.

Rachel, trust me when I tell you you came out ahead on this deal.

10:01 p.m. See you all next week. (Pause.) Don’t kid yourself. You’re gonna watch again.

8:03 p.m. Panama City seems like a fitting backdrop for this episode of “The Bachelor,” since it is Ben’s hometown. Wait. What? That’s Sonoma? And San Francisco? Ah. My bad.

8:05 p.m. THANK you for finally having the nerve to say Kacie B. is annoying Courtney. Kudos to you for saying what we’ve all been thinking.

8:17 p.m. Sorry. Internet problems. Kacie B. must have bored my Wi-Fi to sleep.

8:18 p.m. Ben is a sucker for a girl who loves “doing lots of stuff.” Like going to the grocery.

8:20 p.m. I would love to get Courtney and Bentley in the same room for five minutes just to see what would happen to the universe.

8:25 p.m. Ben couldn’t have found a longer boat? #smallpenis

8:26 p.m. Not to gun down your “man’s man” theory Jamie, but I’d be willing to bet the producers spent a solid three hours just showing Ben how to pull-start that engine.

8:30 p.m. I hate to side with a homicidal maniac but Courtney is right to not worry about hurting other people’s feelings. I mean, aren’t they supposedly there for one thing: fame? I mean Ben.

8:33 p.m. At this point, if the show took everybody to a children’s hospital I’m pretty sure Courtney would go topless. “I don’t know what all these square bitches are worried about,” she’d say to an IV holder thinking it’s a camera.

8:39 p.m. DOCTOR: “Blakely, this is never easy to say to a patient but you have three months to live.”

BLAKELY: “Oh. My. God. I LOOOOVE to dance!”

8:43 p.m. Poor Jamie. You’re going home because you are a chicken.

8:48 p.m. My wife and I were so hoping the conclusion to Emily’s little “There’s another man in my life,” talk was, “And that man is Jesus.”

8:51 p.m. TONIGHT’S COURTNEY NUGGET O’ WISDOM: “I respect you for telling me that to my face. But I will never respect you.”

8:58 p.m. Everything Blakeley says ends with a question mark? Have you noticed that? It really makes her sound smart?

9:02 p.m. BLAKELEY’S DANCE TIP NO. 18: Relax, keep your eyes up, and pretend your partner is a pole.

9:13 p.m. BLAKELEY: “And here’s the doll I made for you out of my pubic hair …”

9:35 p.m. Mew. Mew. Mew. Meeeew. Mew. Mew. Ben. I wish I understood a single word Kacie was saying. Wait. No I don’t.

9:42 p.m. Ben keeps saying, “Can I see myself with this woman for the rest of my life?” Obviously he means “until Bachelor Pad starts.”

9:47 p.m. Finally! Jamie is absolutely KILLING IT right now! If she were auditioning for a part as an awkward auctioneer on a first date.

9:50 p.m. JAMIE: “OK, now you’re going to touch my left breast. Wait. Slow down. What are you doing? That’s my right! THIS IS TOTALLY NOT GOING TO WORK! You still love me and would kill all the other girls for me though, right?”

9:59 p.m. I would say I did NOT see that coming but I pretty much called it at 8:43 p.m.

10:01 p.m. OK, a pretty weak episode. And then … Emily puts the exclamation point on the pile of Bachelor poop. Which must smell because Nikki is making a face …

Let the cat fighting begin in 3 … 2 … 1 …

7:32 p.m. Just an aside: I love Sofia Vergara. (Honey, if you’re reading this, not in THAT way.)

8:03 p.m. You could almost hear the relief in Ben’s voice when he said, “I’m almost halfway through this nightmare. I mean journey.”

8:05 p.m. When Courtney says she can embarrass somebody I do not doubt her for a second considering how well she’s done it to herself.

8:09 p.m. FIRST 15 MINUTES OF EPISODE CHECKLIST: Gratuitous shot of ladies sunbathing. Check. Crazy chick getting dolled up for a date that probably won’t go as well as she thinks. Check. Ben wearing a V-neck shirt. Check.

8:13 p.m. After dressing like that I hope somebody beats the shit out of both of them, just on principle.

8:18 p.m. Ben just wants to propose one more time in his life. Well Ben, I think I speak for America when I say that picking from a pool of 25 women chosen not by you but by a group of writers and producers who chose based entirely on how likely the woman is to claw the eyeballs out of any other women who looks at them for more than 8 seconds without complementing what they’re wearing and not whether they are marriage material couldn’t possibly go wrong. Yep. I see good things coming of this, my man. No chance you have to propose a third time.

8:24 p.m. Instead of seeing a “fun and romantic side” of Blakeley, I think it’s more likely that Ben sees a female and a male side.

8:31 p.m. Based on what the women are wearing I find it hard to believe they were surprised when they didn’t pull up in front of Zales. Except Blakeley. I’m 99% certain she shops for jewelry in Spandex.

8:35 p.m. Based on the “cheddar” Ben is bringing from the mound I’m pretty sure he isn’t sure whether he’s left or right handed.

8:37 p.m. And Courtney gains a few points with the line: “Who knew that strippers could play baseball?”

8:40 p.m. Am I the only one who thinks it’s brilliant that Sonic has hot dogs ads during “The Bachelor”?

8:46 p.m. And with successive posts I have deftly demonstrated when to place a question mark inside the quotation marks and when to place it outside. Take it easy ladies, I’m married.

8:53 p.m. I think next season they shouldn’t allow the contestants to drink alcohol. Meth would be fine though.

8:54 p.m. Courtney, you need more time and a pair of tweezers.

8:58 p.m. These stupid AT&T commercials are so not ever funny ago.

9:04 p.m. I wish one of the ladies would be like, “I really love what you wrote on our date card,” and Ben’s all, “Yeah, thanks, I was up kind of late coming up with it,” and she’s like, “What was your favorite part?” and he’s like, “You know, um, the middle part?” and she’s like, “Yeah, me too” and he’s all, phew! and then she goes, “Will you recite it to me again,” and Ben shits his pants.

Yep, my mind is a scary place.

9:06 p.m. I swear I just saw Courtney in the boat being towed behind the yacht.

9:13 p.m. New proposal for these one-on-one dates: If a girl doesn’t get a rose she should have to pick up the check.

9:16 p.m. I love that they had Ben pick up the rose even though he was never going to give it to her.

9:19 p.m. And we have the obligatory David Gray’s “This Year’s Love.” ABC must have paid $52 million for the rights to this song so they’re not only going to play it in every single episode but they also made Ben learn how to play it on the piano.

9:23 p.m. SERIES IDEA NO. 147: Women who don’t get a rose should be relegated to ABC’s new sister show, “The Rebound” where they vie for the hand/try to get out of the barbed-wire-surrounded compound of my buddy Reid.

9:34 p.m. If you chopped Courtney’s head off … and then her arms … and then put her body in a trunk and shipped it to Indonesia, she’d be an OK girl to date. For a week.

9:39 p.m. BLAKELEY: “Oh. And I have a penis.”

BEN: “Rad.”

9:53 p.m. I am still hopeful that Ben will say, “Courtney, will you accept this rose being held by these police officers who are here to escort you to a maximum security prison?”

9:55 p.m. And the drama continues bitches! Courtney v. Emily v. Ben’s Penis.

9:57 p.m. Jennifer asks what she did wrong. Well, sister, you didn’t wear big enough earrings. There, are you happy? You made me say it.

10:02 p.m. And in closing, that’s totally Courtney’s hand.

Or Oprah’s.

You know the drill. The ladies make asses of themselves (I’m looking at you, Courtney and Erika. Well, mainly Courtney because I can’t figure out how to look at Erika. It’s like having a staring contest with a squirrel) while Ben convinces himself that the pickins really aren’t that slim. Meanwhile, we sit back on our couches and thank god they were all willing to do this on national television.

7:21 p.m. And the countdown is on …

8:02 p.m. And 60 seconds in Courtney quotes one of the great literary minds of our generation: Charlie Sheen.

8:07 p.m. I’m just going to say what everybody is thinking: BOOBS!

8:13 p.m. Kacie, look, I like you and I think you’re probably the best girlfriend material but you are coming off like a possessive weirdo with a guy that in all likelihood has no idea how to spell your name.

8:15 p.m. As my buddy Reid points out, Ben loves “these down to earth dates.” You know, the kind where you go to a remote lake in a helicopter. Yeah. Right there with ya, Ben.

8:22 p.m. Loosen up, Rachel. You’re simply on a first date with Rafael Nadal while the women you’re living with all are trying to poison you.

8:23 p.m. Another thing Ben might notice on his group date with Courtney: That she’s the first “model” to ever sport a unibrow.

8:24 p.m. Random thought: You know, just once, I’d love it if the date card didn’t have some sort of vague double entendre and said, “Can’t wait to go skydiving, drink three bottles of wine, and then bang you in the fantasy suite. –Ben.”

8:32 p.m. Ben always says, “I’ve got a great date planned,” like he spent the earlier part of the day on the phone and the internet setting everything up.

8:38 p.m. “He’s a beauty.” Yep. Best looking 8 oz. bream I’ve ever seen.

8:39 p.m. COURTNEY: “I’m gonna name this fish ‘All The Other Girls Are Whores’.”

BEN: “That’s a great na… Wait. What?”

8:45 p.m. Have you ever noticed that people who say they “live life to the fullest” are typically dental hygienists? No? Yeah, me neither.

8:49 p.m. Wait. Who’s the dude in the hat?

8:56 p.m. Jennifer should totally pick something by Color Me Badd. They have the most romantic songs.

9:01 p.m. Apparently my son doesn’t realize the importance of “The Bachelor” because he won’t stop coughing. I hate to do this to all you loyal blog followers but I’m going to have to stop. For five minutes so I can put him out in the back yard.

9:07 p.m. Whew. Much better. OK let’s do this.

9:08 p.m. So I think the real question here is which guy will Courtney have sex with/kill first on “Bachelor Pad, Season 3″?

9:11 p.m. I thought Ben was afraid of heights. Or is that just in California?

9:13 p.m. One string? Are you sure Jennifer? Because to me it looked like three. And two cables the size of telephone poles.

9:21 p.m. Wait, so Blakely’s a stripper AND a hairdresser? So confused …

9:26 p.m. STAT OF THE DAY: “The Biggest Loser” has produced more successful marriages than “The Bachelor.”

9:37 p.m. Serious question: How many penises do you think Courtney has cut off in her lifetime?

9:39 p.m. Sorry. Penii.

9:47 p.m. Normally I’d be in favor of some good old fashioned Grecco Roman wrestling when two bachelorettes disagree but for some reason I’m afraid this time it might end in homicide. Or at the very least dismemberment. Courtney scares me.

9:53 p.m. CHRIS: “Ladies. There are roses on a plate. If you get one, that’s a good thing. If you don’t, that’s bad. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go stand just off camera until one is left to remind you that there is only one rose left. Good luck. Smiles at camera.”

DIRECTOR: (Off camera) “CUT! Goddamn it, Harrison! How hard is this?!”

9:57 p.m. Wow. Emily. Is. Lucky. If Ben hadn’t given her a rose I’m 100% sure Courtney would have blown her limo up.

9:58 p.m. And so concludes another two hours of my life wasted. And it was totally awesome. Let’s do it again next week. Until then, say your goodbyes and get the hell out of here.

9:59 p.m. BONUS POST: Wait. Is Ben a drug dealer now?

8:00 p.m. Run Ben. RUN!

8:01 p.m. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that I love San Francisco seeing as I’m live blogging about “The Bachelor.”

8:05 p.m. Chris Harrison is apparently wearing his dad’s jacket.

8:07 p.m. Courtney is so nice. Wait. No. Stupid autocorrect. I meant to say such a bitch.

8:11 p.m. Every single “Bachelor” they have a woman do something they’re terrified of. You’d think they’d eventually wise up and when asked their biggest fears during the screening say, “Having sex with the Bachelor” or “Eating sushi and having a massage.”

8:19 p.m. Quick Bachelor-speak translation: “explore” = “touch her boobs.”

8:22 p.m. So … she didn’t really clarify how the relationship with her brother turned out.

8:23 p.m. Casey S. is flying under the radar. Just sayin’.

8:25 p.m. I wish for once the Bachelor would be like, “Let’s just see how the sex goes before we go crazy and start handing out roses.”

8:26 p.m. Random bachelorette overheard during firework sequence: “I’m so sad right now …”

8:31 p.m. It’s gonna be real awkward in this household when the mystery woman who shows up is my mom.

8:32 p.m. I can tell you, from personal experience, that snow skiing with your girlfriend is right up there with having a root canal. Good luck, Ben. Gonna be a blast.

8:33 p.m. Nobody dressed like that on our ski trip.

8:35 p.m. I’m pretty sure Lindzi spells her name with one too many z’s. Also: That she’s a dude.

8:36 p.m. If I gave my wife a necklace like that she’s laugh in my face.

8:37 p.m. My wife is so pissed that our CR-V doesn’t look like that. I, on the other hand, am pissed that my favorite show is being cheapened by product placement.

8:42 p.m. He was totally going for a hug and she turned it into a kiss.

8:46 p.m. Grandma is gonna be PISSED.

8:47 p.m. I like Blakely’s understated earrings.

8:48 p.m. HA! She didn’t like the necklace either.

8:56 p.m. LindZZZZZZZEEEEE better get her/his tuck on for a night of dancing on the steps of some building with lots of stairs. (Thanks previews.)

9:00 p.m. I always love the awkwardness when these kinda-relevant artists have to play for an audience of two who are more concerned with feeling each other up than listening to their music.

9:01 p.m. I’m totally applying for the next Bachelor. I feel fairly confident he’ll be giving me the final rose.

9:02 p.m. LindZZZEEEEE should totally try wearing eyeliner. Wait …

9:05 p.m. Bachelor-speak translation No. 2: “I’d like to get to know her on a deeper level” means “Just the tip won’t be enough with this highfalutin’ lady.”

9:07 p.m. Give it to Ben, he has apparently learned one song on the piano, “Here to last” by David Gray and it makes him look like a pimp. Guaranteed the guy can’t find middle C on a keyboard. (This is the equivalent of the guy who wears non-prescription glasses to look smarter or deeper. Also known as “me.”)

9:18 p.m. Please be Chantal. Please be Chantal … CRAP! Wrong Chantal. Damn it!!!

9:30 p.m. This is spectacular.

9:32 p.m. The only real question now is what kind of squirrel is Erika.

9:35 p.m. I love that the girls are all pissed about Chantal coming on the show like there is some sort of stringent screening process.

9:44 p.m. “What’s her butt.”

9:47 p.m. “Ladies, Ben, in case you’re fucking blind, this is the final rose tonight.”

9:48 p.m. If this whole “Bachelor” thing doesn’t work out for Ben I think he can always be an EMT. “Can we, uh, like, get some water in here?”

9:57 p.m. In closing, Ben is quite the cowboy.

I found this gem on our living room console table, evidence of my wife’s neverending paranoid search for what’s the most likely thing to kill us in our house. What I love the most about this circa-1991 piece of creative wizardry is the seamless melding of a Foot Locker employee, a woman wearing a wooden hat, a Christmas tree, a sea of radioactive glop and a ball-fetching cow all while using the oft-underutilized pink and green palette.

Well played Living Lead Free Council. Well played.

*me