CITY OF VANCOUVER, BC – The Zombies could rise any time, if rents are to say anything. “I can’t afford to die,” said 100 y/o Ina Graves, “I have one foot in and the rent is crazy, a whole plot will kill me despite death.”
Suicide may drop when people realize there is little savings in death rents.
One Zombie was seen eating brains said, “I was just evicted from my Vancouver plot,” he said, “It’s not my fault I have eat brains out of the East Van trash bins!”
Mayor Robertson said, “hey we decided 3000ish was affordable, I can afford it, so it’s affordable housing. Gregor and his council live in poverty as the few people in Vancouver who can vote themselves a pay raise.
When asked about all these horrible rent situations Kerry Jang just responded by signing his RX Pad and committing people who were a problem for him.
“Finally a free place to live, and drugs!” said a man who was complaining at city hall and later sent to the VGA Assessment Wards for Paranoia. “It’s great I can get housing some how, but what about the suicide they watch me for?” the unknown homeless man of no important name said, “Potters field goes for 700/mo.”

GRIEFPORN, NEWSDESKS, SA – The Mass Media is in deep mourning, “Why, why, oh why was it not a shooting!,” said long time media monster and reporter Nu Lo, “I was so excited, it was going to be our turn to push new March for our Lives.”
The Washington Post had already reported an AR 15 was driving the truck into the bus full of hockey players and their coach.
“Sure we love sorts of exploitable human suffering, but lets face it, it’s not the same with Gun to blame, a movement to expand things. Video Games, Movies to accuse!” said the Editor-In-Chief.
Clearly some news sources, even openly fake sources, have no conscience about such matters, even we couldn’t help but sociopathicaly engage in such matters.

CHUNNEL, UK THRESHOLD, UK – Amidst new strict laws regulating the ridicule of anything, especially Nazis, and tough anti-Terror laws stopping threat of 80 pound women dripping wet, tough retro-active sentencing has been adopted. In doing so, as of 21:00 last night the entire cast and crew was pulled out of their means of travel, just exiting the Chunnel, and were pulled into a dank room and shot in the back.
They were expecting to do a reunion of their Australian “Hate Crime,” the border guard said, “We set it up, it was a ploy with the BBC as our final solution to this filth,” said MP Nutya Byznus, “One day our ancestors will praising our name with love in their hearts.”
Meanwhile several rapes and bombing occurred behind MP Byznus, that the non-specific gender pronouned MP would have noticed had they stopped bathing in blood for a moment or hours…it was several hours.
Some drank it. It didn’t get better.
Prime Minister May. could not be reached for comment, her secretary said she was just hurt they started without her.

CRAWFORD, TX – An abortion clinic was shut down for using old fashioned methods, due to a Crawford ordinance. “We has no choice,” said officer Albert Busen, “Crawford is very strict, no wire hangers.”
Clinic owner claims some like the old fashioned method, and that many people would be glad not to be born in Crawford.
“It’s an attack on free choice,” says Officer Busen, who has a free abortion and fetus burger with his frequent customer card, “where else will I send my road side freebies when I might have gotten them pregnant?”
“It’s also one of the only places that uses all of what they kill,” Busen praises on, “this town will feel empty without it.”
“But we can’t have any more wire hangers.”
The Mayor was not available.

CAPEFEAR, SA – According to stats offered by the South African Officials, huge numbers of whites have been committing suicide in South Africa simply by producing food for the country’s Farm to Table markets.
“It’s insane, people are dying and being maimed in record numbers,” says South African parliamentarian who called himself, “Die you white devil.”
According to him just by growing the very needed food during massive water shortages can get you killed, and all by your own hand. Some have shot themselves with planting their very crops and dragging their lifeless corps in their house completely covered in blood.
A health warning was issued as followed, something called “Kill White Farmers.”