Bull Pen Dirt

Change of Address

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:16:00 +0000

You guys may have noticed that last week I put up a "Help Wanted" note in the sidebar. About three hours or so after I had posted that a new e-mail arrived in my inbox. So I checked the e-mail, interested to see if it would be one of those "Let me help you, I'm amazing and you wont be disappointed," letters (despite the depressingly low probability of such a letter). What I received was in fact quite the opposite.

What I had expected to be a letter from someone wanting to help me out with this site was, in fact, a letter from someone wanting me to help out with their site.

"I'm (insert name of dude from mvn), the director of NFL coverage for Most Valuable Network LLC (mvn.com). I've been checking out your blog for the past few weeks and have really been enjoying the content you've produced. I happened to notice the "Help Wanted" section you recently placed on your site, and I think MVN could be of considerable assistance to you. "
-Letter from dude at MVN.com

To make a long story short, they had a guy 'writing' for their Texans page, but he didn't do too much (I described it to the fine folks at mvn.com as "very modestly maintained"). So I'll be replacing him and Bull Pen Dirt will be moving to MVN.com. Here's a big, fat, self-promoting link to it:

http://mvn.com/nfl-texans/

if I could make this any bigger or more self promoting...I would.

I wont be writing any different (which means the titans still wont be capitalized -- ever), so don't worry about that. With that said I probably wont be posting on Blogger very often anymore. Thanks to those guys (blogger) for providing a free spot to channel my A.D.D. while I sit trapped in a cubicle over the summer. Thanks to everyone who's been reading what I have to say (both of you). And thanks to MVN.com for giving me an opportunity to cover the Texans for them.

To all you guys who willingly linked Bull Pen Dirt to your page (I didn't have to pay as many of them to as I expected, surprisingly enough), I'd be indebted to you all if you could update the link to the one above. If not that's cool too.

So yeah. Head on over there whenever you get a chance, I guess.

Thanks guys.

Extra Dirt

I'm going to try and get the poll back up ASAP. Frank Okam is administering quite a beat-down on the rest of the rooks, though.

Texans Training Camp: Offensive Positional Updates

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 16:55:00 +0000

Just the facts, quick and dirty.

Quarterback: Matt Schaub's the starter. Coach Kubiak claims that there's open competition (which I'm sure there is), but it doesn't look like Sage is much of a threat for now.

Running Back: Ahman Green is starting; Slaton looks good, but he's been fumblin'; Walker and Taylor are neck and neck. The Texans signed former Broncos RB Mike Bell yesterday as insurance (and an extra body) while Chris Brown nurses a hangnail. Or something to the equivalent (back problems, despite never touching the field).

Wide Receiver: Andre Johnson put skeptics of his successful knee rehabilitation on shut up -- real fast. Kevin Walter says he's gotten quicker. Jacoby's missed time with a foot problem (and a DUI court hearing problem). Kubiak says Walter reminds him of Ed McCaffery -- insightful.

Tight End: Owen's the man, even if the Chronicle is snubbing the guy. I haven't seen a thing written about him. And yet, there's a write-up on Joel Dreessen. Burn.

Right Tackle: Eric Winston looks real good in Gibb's system from what I hear. The Chronicle's John McClain says he's a beast. This spot on the O-line is set.

Right Guard: Mike Briesel's holdin' it down at the moment. The coaching staff is confident in him, but I wouldn't be surprised to see Fred Weary grab his spot back.

Center: Newcomer Chris Myers is the starter. Not a lot to speak of really. I guess no news is good news.

Left Guard: Chester Pitts isn't being challenged for his spot. Moving right along....

Left Tackle: Rookie Duane Brown is running with the first team. He avoided a hold-out at the last minute, but showed up to camp overweight and out of shape. Salaam's been relinquished to the back-up role.

Fullback: Vonta's starting, but Chris Taylor's been asked to start learning the position himself. Jameel Cook is still terrible.

Overall....

1) The line looks good
2) No one's been seriously injured
3) Dre and Schaub are 100%
4) Chris Brown is a pansy

I'll bring you up to speed on the defense in the next post.

Extra Dirt

Steve Smith had apparently had enough of the midget jokes

McFadden's a top 11 RB "...[s]imilar in ability to last year's top rookie running back Adrian Peterson," according to this bum. AP ran behind a herd of rhinoceroses. D-Mac wont.

Mike Bell signs with South Denver (Houston)

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 19:19:00 +0000

You know Mike Bell has to be feeling pretty good about himself right now. He came in just this morning for a scheduled work-out with the Texans and had himself a roster spot by noon.

I'd keep a box in my trunk if I were Chris Brown (might have to scoot the extra leg braces and crutches out of the way, though). Looks like he'll be packin up his locker pretty soon.

Bell is best known for his 15 minutes of fame that, well, every other Denver running back enjoys. Play a couple games, rack up some crazy numbers, dissappear into obscurity. His moment came as a rookie in 2006 when he boasted a 4.3 ypc average while piling up 677 rushing yards and 8 TDs in a very crowded (and non-substance abusing) Broncos backfield.

Bell fell out of favor in Denver after failing to successfully make the transition from running back to fullback. Shanahan gave him the boot July 22nd.

Goody for us!

Here's what Bell brings to the Texans:

1) A healthy body that can tote the rock, and spell the other backs at training camp.

2) A quick back, well-versed in the zone-blocking scheme.
(This is the most important factor. even if he's cut, he will have helped the team by helping show our other RBs some of the nuances to it.)

3) A running back with pass-catching ability

4) A running back not named Chris Brown.
(as much as I love titans retreads....)

5) A very young Back with the potential to improve

6) A back who can handle the load as an every-down back, should (when) Ahman go down.

This is a great move, in my opinion. Unfortunately safety Brandon Harrison had to be cut to make room for Bell. That crying sound you hear? That's John McClain. Just turn the radio down. It's sad to see a guy with that much upside go...but we were crowded at safety as it was.

***UPDATE***

The Houston Chronicle originally said Brandon Harrison was cut. turns out it was actually Brandon Mitchell (I left my original statement because I still think it's funny). This only proves my point further: the Texans have too many safeties. So much so, that no one can keep track of them all apparently. That is all.

Keep those Denver castoffs a-comin'!!!

Extra Dirt

Kuharsky, well done. I like good listeners. Consider your probationary status removed. For now.

You're my boy, Chris Brown.

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:47:00 +0000

Look, it's easy to dislike Chris Brown at the moment. But I'm not a fan of easy (absolute lie). I like to take the path less travelled (not as rushed). So with that said, don't worry Chris Brown. I've got your back.

Ever since your self titled album first debuted, I've been a HUGE fan. The way you can manipulate words in such a rhythym...

...wait. *holds hand to earpiece*

That's the one we're talking about right? You mean there's two Chris Browns?
...and one plays for the Texans?

OH YEAH! The kicker right?

...oh that one. Jeez there's a bunch. *returns*

Ok this got a little tougher. Don't worry though! I'm on your side Chris. You see, I understand what you're going through. You feel like people have labelled you right? They've called you nasty things like "injury prone" and "brittle." But these people are being naive. We both know you bring way more to the table than a question mark. For example, here's one scouting report I've found:

"Brown's career has declined quickly and if forced to carry the ball a high percentage of the time, he has proven to be a major durability risk, but he still can help a team as a powerful backup who doesn't have to take a ton of hits..."

See there's some positive stuff in there! It says right there that you're "powerful!" And look, even Coach Kubiak had nothing but praise to speak of you:

"Am I disappointed he's not on the field? Yes. I'm not disappointed in Chris. I just know he can help this team. We got to make sure we get him right."

That sounds like a strong endorsement to me. Look, you've got nothing to worry about, man. Just take your time, rest up, and when you get back you can show everyone the player you really are. Not some overhyped talent with an unparallelled ability to squander opportunities. But a true performer. I believe in you man.

In fact, I'm so sure that you'll be a benefit to this team that I've devised a plan to fix this whole thing and restore your good name. The best part about it, is that it uses only Brown related things. So when someone asks who helped with your resurgence, you can simply say "Brown" and people will assume you're just an aloof egocentric athlete referring to yourself in the third person. It's brilliant! Alright, here's the plan:

1) It all starts with timing...and your's has proven to be terrible. Don't worry though, there's a Brown for that. Get good with this guy, and timing will never be an issue.

2) Once that timing is back, you'll want to prove to everyone that you can still be a powerful fast runner. I'm going to set you up with another Brown who made a name for himself the same way. No, not Jim. Think Bigger. Take his advice...just make sure to tie your own shoes on gameday.

3) Alright, you've got the timing and the ability. Let's get the fans back on your side. Best way to do that? Make 'em feel sorry for you. I can't think of a better Brown than this guy...so you better take notes. I'll give him a call, but if he asks you to practice kicking drills...pass. We don't want you getting hurt all over again. You could also use some TV time to get your name back out there. I think I have a Brown for that too.

4) Finally, you NEED to stay healthy man. Think I don't have a Brown that can help with that? Think again.

So there you go, Chris. What you have there is a fail-safe plan, so I don't want to listen to any excuses. You're gonna be great....I can feel it.

(and if you flop, which I'm actually betting on, here's two more Browns who can help you: a Brown who can relate to the pink slip, and a Brown to drive you out of town. Trust me, he's good.)

Thank god your last name wasn't Okoye.

Texans Training Camp Correspondence and Poll Results

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 16:52:00 +0000

"Hey Kubiak! LOVE the hair!" -R. Lee Ermey

What you should expect to find in the Texans' e-mail accounts over the past few days.

To: Gary Kubiak
Re: R. Lee Ermey
"LOVE the haircut."

To: Chris Brown
CC: Jacoby Jones
Re: Gary Kubiak
"Our jerseys don't come in women's sizes. Get on the field."

To: Ahman Green
Re: Chris Brown
"I'm gonna 'recover' tomorrow, so if you happen to get 'injured' today at practice everything should be fine. Just like we planned it ;-D"

To: Kris Brown
Re: Craig Waibel
"OWNED!"

To: Mario Williams
Re: Duane Brown
"Please stop picking on me. I'm trying very very hard."

Feel Free to add your own

Extra Dirt

Poll Voting closed today. Here's the final results:

At the end of the season, who will have more rushing yards?

Darius Walker: 68%

Ahman Green: 12%

Steve Slaton: 10%

Chris Brown: 8%

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that there might've been some double balloting. Either way, congrats to Darius Walker.

Chron's General dishes Texans dirt at midday chat

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 04:24:00 +0000

Today around noon John McClain of the Houston Chronicle jumped online and fielded questions from fans about the Texans Training Camp. I screen shotted the better questions and assessments for everyone to see that didn't make it.

McClain's take on the CB battle:

I told you guys Xavier Adibi was going to be more than a special teamer! Over Greenwood though? That's bold McClain.

Rookie Update: Dominique Barber

Rookie Update: Frank Okam

McClain discusses the Cherokee (Gibbs) and the O-Line:

Chris Brown better raise up:

That's right, I said Kris Brown better raise up:

And lastly, the ignorant question of the day award:

Peter King(sized) talks Texans. Texans talk back.

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:20:00 +0000

"But that’s just the way it is in our business. If you have an opinion, you sometimes get crucified for having one." --Peter King

I've got a better one, Peter.

"A point of view can be a dangerous luxury when substituted for insight and understanding." --Marshall McLuhan

Let's cut to the chase. Things like this:

Look like some shock-factor-stunt meant to rile up a bunch of fans so you circulate your name just a little bit more. Well congratulations, we're riled. And unfortunately, your name will continue to circulate. Not because of your blind assessment towards a fan base that has established an intimidating presence across multiple professional sports venues (There's MLB. There's NBA. Oh and here's your NFL.). Because you've demonstrated an uncanny ability to consistently suck and still keep a job.

Passion (n): a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything. For you Peter, passion might be found...well we can see where you find passion. For Texans fans however, passion can be found before, and throughout EVERY Texans game since day 1 (this one has no food references like the other 2, Peter, so you might want to skip it. It's just another sports website with some hack columnist).

Which brings me back to the quote I responded with at the top of the article. Think before you speak man. Otherwise, you'll start to lose credibility from your colleagues. Example! (sic)

I mean, McClain wouldn't know what he's talking about....would he?*

If I was some fifty-year-old, I'd probably cancel my Sports Illustrated subscription in lieu of your ignorant team bashing. But I don't have a Sports Illustrated subscription. Because it sucks.

I leave you with a final nugget of wisdom.

"Don't start no shit....wont be no shit."
--Will Smith, Men In Black

By the way, you suck.

*Thought I should add, that was from an online chat session earlier today where John McClain fielded questions about the Texans Training Camp. Four chatrooms filled up with people trying to find out what he had to say about the Texans. But alas, no passion in H-town (and yes I know I mispelled passionate. I was in a hurry.)

Unimportant Position Battles: Hyping the Humdrum

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:56:00 +0000

I came across this link while writing my previous post and felt compelled to weigh in on it as well. Get ready for drama titans' fans, Battles at the Receiver Position are-a Brewin! To think that someone wrote that article with some expectation that ANYONE would care makes me sad. But the author of this article (his name's Eric Lister, or Mr. Lister. Go ahead and say it out loud. Mr. Lister. moving on) isn't the only reporter stuck writing about a position battle that, well, no one really cares about. Here are a few other "position battles" that are being grossly overhyped.

Considering how little these battles interest me, I've decided to add in fancy nicknames to each athlete. Now we've got a battle!

Chicago Bears
Position: QB
Combatants: "Vile" Kyle Orton v. Rex "Clipboard-bound" Grossman

What's Brewing:
Both QBs have been given the chance to carry the franchise, and both have fallen flat on their face. This is a battle for which QB is going to be booed first in Chicago. I guess they released their best QB (Griese) in order to make it an even fight? Either way, we're looking at a true feather-weight slobber-knocker.

A pictorial biography of Rex Grossman.

Least terrible but still terrible: Gotta go with Grossman here. His arm helped carry them in to -- and out of -- the Super Bowl.

New York Jets
Position: QB
Combatants: "Helen" Kellen (weak Helen Keller reference?) Clemens vs. Chad "throws-like-the-kid-from-The-Sandlot" Pennington

What's Brewing:
This is proof that it doesn't matter who's playing in New York; it's still going to get unnecessary coverage. Kellen Clemens is NOT a New York quarterback. He just doesn't strike me as the next Broadway Joe. Unless we're talking about the drunkard Joe, because I could see Clemens needing to toss back a few to forget last season. Chad Pennington is about as ferocious as a box full of kittens.

Kellen Clemens prepares for life after football,

which should be coming up any day now.

Least terrible but still terrible: Pennington's got the experience and as long as the passes aren't further than the line of scrimmage, he's proven to be pretty accurate. I'd still take Vinny T over both of them.

To ESPN's "Official AFC South Blogger": 'Read Coverages' Better.

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:30:00 +0000

We're all well-aware of the long standing tradition of snubbery ESPN has treated Houston teams with. So it's no surprise that when training camp rolls around, they end up sending some schmuck who's bought into the national stereotype that's befallen the "lowly" Texans. I remember this time last year the reporter heading to Texans camp had posted something on his blog to the effect of "Let me know what questions all 3 of you Texans fans out there would like me to ask, because I don't know anything about this team." It was a slap in the face from some two-bit journalist thinking he's prime time because he works for ESPN.com, when in reality he knew nothing about individual teams apart from what ESPN's redundant Power Rankings told him.

The following day his article was gushing with praise and hype over the Texans.

This year (in an effort to avoid looking stupid again) ESPN.com has appointed some schmuck as an "Official AFC South Blogger" who they will be shipping out to each of the division's training camps. His name: Paul Kuharsky. His blog title: Reading the Coverage. Good job avoiding those cliche sports column/blog names. And oh how it relates to the AFC South.

Know thy enemy.

I call him a schmuck because as of late his "blog" hasn't been much of one. Every time I check, it's usually just a link hurl to local newspaper stories. I've caught glimpses of originality but even so, he still has work to do. I can understand that corporate blogging for a division can have its draws. I think Kuharsky is worried about showing favoritism towards a single team in the division, so he keeps his opinions and insight to a minimum. The Result? A lame blog resembling your everyday news articles.

I did, however, read some original stuff from the man this morning about the Texans training camp. It's still just filler-fluff, but promising nonetheless. And another thing he's got going in his favor is that he seems to have assumed his blogging role without the usual "Texans suck" mindset.

So here's your shot Kuharsky. I'm giving you a chance to convince me why I should be "Reading the Coverage." Consider it a probationary trial period, where I can waive you at a moment's notice. These are my terms:

--If you're going to "blog" then you better do it right. Stop being so PC. I want to know if you think Marcedes Lewis is a joke and not "slow to progress." Don't let the man hold you back, PK.

--If you're going to link hurl the Texans via the Houston Chronicle, Megan Manfull should be the only reporter you link to. Anything with Richard Justice's name on it should be disregarded completely.

--It's an AFC South blog, so keep the Peyton-stroking to a minimum. There really are other teams in the division that aren't too bad in fact (he's done a good job of this so far from what I've seen). titans-stroking is strictly prohibited.

--Change the name man. It's way too cliche. I suggest finding something that each team would find mutually agreeable. Suggestions: Dirty South Blog, Vince Sucks - An AFC South Blog.

--While Peyton-stroking is discouraged, Vince-bashing is totally acceptable. In fact you would be best-served posting a little Vince-bashing soon...considering where you came from. With that said....

--I better not see any titans favoritism. None whatsoever. I don't care if you worked at the Tennessean for 12 years. Links like this on your site are an example of said-favoritism. Links like this are acceptable. Lame, but acceptable. And this link just makes no sense. I'm stumped as to why that is on your page.

These are the requirements for your "Official AFC South Blog" and must be met before your blog receives my endorsement. These requirements are non-negotiable. Like I said before, you working at the Tennessean doesn't impress me. I'm sure the application there was nothing more than a spelling test (I mean...Tennessee can be tricky).

Here's your chance. Impress me PK.

Texans Training Camp: First Impressions

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:10:00 +0000

NEWS FLASH: Mario Williams is pretty good. (photo by J. Phillips/AP)

The first weekend of training camp is in the books. Here's the latest:

Andre Johnson is still on the field. Everyone was skeptical how he'd fare following his knee surgery once the pads came on. Judging from what I've read and seen, he's fine.

Chris Brown is a family man. Tell whoever got married they picked a helluva day. Kubiak was fine with it, though. I mean, you can't get injured on the first day of training camp if you're not there right?

Duane Brown is "overweight." (BRB broke this one). I love when coaches tell reporters that so-and-so lineman reported to camp overweight. They're all overweight, dammit. Some just aren't in shape. I can tell you Duane Brown's problem right now. It's the same as Amobi's last year around this time and he turned out fine. It's Houston. The guy's been playin in Virginia the past couple of years and then all of the sudden he's running windsprints in a sauna. If you don't think that's the case, consider this: You don't hear Frank Okam whining, and he's even bigger. Okam's just used to it by now.

Andre Johnson awed all in attendance with an 80-yard over the shoulder grab the first day of camp. Then everyone remembered he was running against the Texan's secondary. It's still impressive, mainly because it proves that Schaub and Dre still have a little chemistry. But burning the Texans secondary is like hitting a home run off an Astros pitcher....(insert astros cheap shot here). I haven't seen enough of Jacques to determine whether or not he'll be siginificantly upgrading our cornerback position, so I'll be keeping an eye on that. I have heard good things about Molden however.

NEWS FLASH: Mario Williams is pretty good. And everyone from the Chronicle has decided to jump on the Texans bandwagon. Welcome aboard, guys. Megan, you're seated first class, John, coach, and Richard...pick a seat near an emergency exit. We all know you'll be the first to jump off.

That's all for now. I might jump on later to add-on. Any excuse to use my new comp, eh?

Texans and Fantasy: Wide Receivers Edition

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 02:42:00 +0000

Get ready. That's all I'm sayin'. GET READY.

Well I took yesterday off as a few of you noticed and there's a reason: I'm the only one running this ship. But I've decided to take a moment out of my vacation (and NCAA '09) to continue my fantasy football preview on the Texans.

You're welcome.

Tonight, I'm tackling the wide receivers. Because there are more to break down than the other positions I've covered as of late, the analysis wont be as in-depth. But it should help you out nonetheless.

Wide Receiver:
Andre Johnson

2007 notable numbers:
60 receptions, 851 receiving yards, 8 TDs

The Dirt:

No dirt. Just get him on your team. Let other people pass on him because of "health concerns." The only 3 wide receivers I'd rank ahead of him are Randy, Braylon, and Reggie. Andre Johnson will be better than Terrell Owens. Straight up.

In other words: He's a top 5 WR in any league. LOCK HIM UP.

Wide Receiver:
Kevin Walter

2007 notable numbers:
65 receptions, 800 receiving yards, 4 TDs

The Dirt:

I'm not gonna lie. I didn't think he should've been the starter across from Dre in the beginning of last season. But I'll admit when I'm wrong. I like the guy as far as a compliment to Johnson, but his fantasy value is very slim. It's easy to put into perspective when you consider that Dre put up better numbers last season than Walter despite missing half the season.

In other words: Unless you're playing in a big league and need to go deeper than normal, Walter shouldn't be on your radar. Good receiver for the Texans, bad receiver for the fantasy.

Aside from the two starters, the only other receiver that would pique my interest at the moment would be Andre Davis. Depending on how he's used, he could garner a bit of fantasy value as a homerun threat. Even so, I wouldn't suggest spending a draft pick on him. Same goes for Jacoby, unless he lights back up again and can sustain it into the regular season. Keep an eye on him as well.

Extra Dirt

Everyone else covered the Duane Brown signing, so yeah. IT'S ABOUT TIME.

What's with all the D. Walker love in the poll? I like him too, but he ran off with the votes.

Vince Young sucks. That is all. Props to Merril Hodge (for now).

Texans and Fantasy Football: Tight End Edition

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:30:00 +0000

The Texans resident atmospheric and oceanic

sciences major could be one of league's best TEs in 2008

(Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

Tight End:

Owen Daniels

2007 Notable Numbers:

63 receptions, 768 receiving yards, 3 TDs

The Dirt:

Owen Daniels is one of the most underrated Tight Ends in the NFL. With 97 career receptions, the kid's averaged a little more than a first down everytime he touches the ball (11.5 yds. per reception). Six other tight ends with 90 or more receptions in the past two seasons average 11 yards per reception or more...and these names go fast: Gates, Winslow, Witten, Gonzales, Cooley and Crumpler (well maybe not Crumpler). What discouraged most fantasy owners from Daniels the most was his dissappointing TD total: 3. So I took a look at the numbers and found out the reason: Sage Rosenfels (no offense to my man Sage, but he didn't give Owen very much love). Last season, Owen recorded 5 or more receptions in 7 games. Matt Schaub only played 8 games from start to finish. This isn't a coincidence. Every full game Schaub played, Daniels averaged 5.1 receptions and 66 receiving yards. Without The Schaub, it gets a little uglier (2.6 receptions, 32.7 receiving yards). If you take the "with-Schaub" averages and stretch them across a full season, Daniels would've potentially grabbed 97 passes last year for 1056 yds. That's not a BS stat either. That's QB-TE chemistry. Bottom line is, if Daniels and his buds on the offensive line can keep Schaub upright all season this year...Owen Daniels WILL EXPLODE.

In other words: You're looking at a sleeper right here, folks. Unless you signed up for a fantasy league full of Texans diehards (which I have yet to), Daniels will be there after all the big names are gone. Go ahead and target a top 5 TE if you can. Once they jump off the board, use that round to go after another WR or RB while everyone else panics to grab their own TE. When the dust settles, grab Daniels. You'll be glad you did.

Texans and Fantasy Football: Quarterback Edition

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:22:00 +0000

Matt "The Ninja" Schaub will look to cut through

secondaries with his arm, and not a pair of Katanas.
(Photo: Koichi Kamoshida/Getty Images)

Let's face it: the Texans haven't exactly been top-heavy on anyone's draft board. Ever. But that's not to say that the Texans haven't made an impact on the fantasy landscape. Unfortunately most of this impact is derived from a free-agent pickup during a bye-week that happens to pan out (see: Daniels, Owen circa or Williams, Domanik). This year could be different.

Since 2003 only one real fantasy strategy with the Texans seemed logical: Draft Andre.

But with everything the front office has done to improve this team, employing the same strategy would be careless.

As we head into the preseason I'll be breaking down the skill positions to see who's worth spending a pick on and when you should pull the trigger this year. These assessments are subject to revisions once training camp begins.

Quarterback:

Matt Schaub

2007 notable numbers:

192-289 (66.4%), 2241 yds, 9 TDs, 9 INTs (11 games)

The Dirt:

My preliminary assessment going into this year would rank Schaub nearby Philip Rivers in terms of production. Rivers ended last season with 3,152 yards and 21 TDs (and 15 INTs), and it wouldn't be a long shot to assume that --had Schaub not been injured -- his numbers would've looked a lot alike. In fact, Schaub's completion percentage, yds per reception, and QB rating are all higher than Rivers'. Yet Rivers is again listed as one of the better draft day targets heading into the season. Schaub's fully recovered from his offseason surgery and has a year's worth (sorta) of starting experience. GM Rick Smith apparently liqoured up the Broncos because he stole an upstart center in Chris Myers from them for a 6th round pick. He followed up that stunt by drafting left tackle -- and assumed starter -- Duane Brown in the first round. If the Brown experiment goes according to plan, Schaub could be a fantasy steal. Better o-line means better running, means easier passing, means "ANDRE JOHNSON FOR THE TD!!!" becoming repetitive.

In other words: He looks poised to be one of this year's fantasy surprises, but most will shy away because of durability concerns. He should still be available near the later rounds of most drafts. If you can get him then, he'll be a steal. I would also consider a handcuff with Sage if you have the space.

Extra Dirt

Hey Carson Palmer, tell us how you really feel!

Frank Okam Takes BPD's Advice, Signs

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:24:00 +0000

Well I can only link this story so many times, but apparently Frank Okam has also put the pen to paper today. I told you guys he was smart. He's also a behemoth, something the Texans have generally lacked at the position.

If you believed ESPN and NFL.com and Sports Illustrated's analysis, the Texans to date have never had a notable draft. But look at where this team is now, largely in part because of players drafted by Houston.

The 2006 NFL draft was the Texans' best to date, producing Mario, Demeco, and Owen "I just spent 10 minutes trying to figure out your middle name only to find out you don't have one" Daniels.

This past draft has the potential (POTENTIAL...I ain't jumpin the gun) to be just as good, if not better.

Down to the wire

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 20:45:00 +0000

With Training camp drawing near, our young bucks are cutting their losses and inking those contracts.

Today Steve Slaton and Antwaun Molden put the pen to paper, leaving the two fattest draft picks to sign.

Frank Okam's supposed to be smart right? So be smart man. Sign a contract. All the cool kids are doing it.

And like I said below this morning...I don't blame Duane Brown for being a little hesitant to sign a peice of paper that will legally require him to line up across Mario Williams. That's a hold out I wouldn't argue with.

Here's Kubiak's take on starting Brown across from Mario:

"Yeah, it scares me, but there's no good time to throw someone to the wolves, is there? He's smart and he learns fast. He's an excellent athlete. He was on the ground only two times during the (offseason) program."

ONLY TWO TIMES!!! Kubiak outed you Brown. It's on the record that you got punked. So take it as motivation and SIGN THE CONTRACT.

Extra Dirt

Jeremy Shockey was finally traded to Saints. Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis made an offer the Giants couldn't refuse...twice.

AFC South Defense Breakdowns: Preseason Edition

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 18:08:00 +0000

As promised, here's the second installment of my AFC South Breakdown. Today we'll focus the defenses of the division.

For defense I'll once again break it into 5 categories: Defensive Ends, Defensive Tackles, Linebackers, Cornerbacks, and Safeties.

Defensive Ends

Houston, 4 points: Mario Williams was the best defensive end in the AFC South last year. Indy's Freeney and Mathis could reclaim the top spot in the division once Freeney proves there are no lingering effects from his injury.

Indianapolis, 3 points: Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are one of the toughest sets of defensive ends in the league. Freeney's season ending injury last year raises some questions coming into the 2008 season, but even with that I still put them second.

Jacksonville, 2 points: Paul Spicer and Reggie Hayward have proved to be serviceable ends, and if the additions of Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves work out as intended, this could be a very difficult group to handle.

tennessee, 1 point: Kyle Vanden Bosch is a man, plain and simple. This group would have been a spot higher, had they not lost Odom and Laboy. They might not have been lights out, but they will be on the field more than Jevon Kearse will.

Defensive Tackles

Jacksonville, 4 points: Even with the injuries to their starters, teams found it difficult to pound the ball up the middle. Marcus Stroud might be gone, but Big John Henderson is still an absolute mammoth in the middle and Rob Meier showed enough spunk at the end of last season (that's right, spunk) to convince me that he'll be able to make an impact up the middle.

tennessee, 3 points: Albert Haynesworth is to Texans as Albert Pujols is to Astros. After witnessing his assault on Matt Schaub, Haynesworth soon earned my submissive respect. Rob Bironas could line up next to Big Al and they would still have one of the best interior lines in the league.

Houston, 2 points: It hurts me to drop them to third, but I considering the products that are being fielded ahead of the Texans, this isn't exactly an insult. Preliminary indications are that Okoye looks to build off of last season's moderate successes and Travis Johnson provides a stable anchor beside him. Rookie Frank Okam has drawn a lot of attention as an intruiging prospect that could pay huge dividends very soon.

Indianapolis, 1 point: Unlike their undersized defensive ends, their undersized defensive tackles are not much of a threat. Can't win 'em all Indy.

Linebackers

Houston, 4 points: Houston's linebackers are the most stable piece of the Texans defense. Demeco Ryans has established himself as the centerpeice of this unit, while Morlon Greenwood has quietly amassed over 110 tackles three years in a row. Add pass-rushing specialist Rosevelt Colvin and free agents Kevin Bentley and Chaun Thompson and you're looking at a deep Texans linebacking unit that's poised to turn some heads this season.

tennessee, 3 points: Keith Bulluck and David Thorton anchor a solid linebacking corps. Both linebackers have the speed and athleticism to close off the outside edges, forcing backs to cut inside and face the gauntlet that is Vanden Bosch and Haynesworth.

Jacksonville, 2 points: Mike Peterson is a monster, but as is the case with Dwight Freeney, I need to see if the 9-year vet can completely recover from last year's injury. His supporting cast leaves something to be desired as well.

Indianapolis, 1 point: Since Cato June and David Thorton left, I haven't been very impressed with the Colt's linebackers. Gary Brackett is a stable presence at middle linebacker, but has posted no better numbers than Morlon Greenwood. Aside from Brackett, this linebacking unit could use a revamp.

Cornerbacks

tennessee, 4 points: I have to give this to those banjo-playin yokels; they don't like people throwing on them. Cortland Finnegan and Nick Harper were key components of the titans' defensive successes last season, and it looks as if this year will be no different.

Jacksonville, 3 points: Rashean Mathis is one of the league's best and with Drayton Florence in the fold as well, the Jaguars look to remain one of the league's most dominating secondaries.

Indianapolis, 2 points: Kelvin Hayden and Marlin Jackson were major factors last season for a secondary ranked in the top 5 in yards allowed. But these guys aren't very opportunistic, with only 4 interceptions shared between the two.

Houston, 1 point: Houston's secondary still leaves much to be desired. The addition of Jacques Reeves and continued development of Fred Bennet should help in the long run. But with Dunta Robinson sidelined until late October, the Texans look to be in for a bumpy ride. Antwuan Molden could provide a much-needed relief, but until I see him perform I'm not getting my hopes up.

Safeties

Indianapolis, 4 points: Take Bob Sanders, add Antoine Bethea and what do you get? A backbone capable of supporting one of the stingiest defenses in the league. Sanders is a freak of an athlete for his size and warrants a spot on my upcoming man-crush post.

tennessee, 3 points: Chris Hope and Michael Griffin round out an incredibly tough titans secondary. Look for these guys to get the ball back after Vince tosses an interception.

Jacksonville, 2 points: Reggie Nelson is a thug, and a punk. That said, he's also on pace for an amazing NFL career as a dominating safety. With a year of experience now under his belt, look for Nelson to continue to make his presence known (and felt) this year.

Houston, 1 point: Will Demps was a steal last season. Besides him, this is just another hole the Texans are working to shore up. Hopefully Marion Barber's bro can bring that same intensity to the other side of the ball.

Defensive Totals

tennessee, 14 points

Jacksonville, 13 points

Houston, 12 points

Indianapolis, 11 points

Overall Team Totals

Indianapolis, 30 points

Jacksonville, 25 points

Houston, 23 points

tennessee, 22 points

Feel free to argue it if you'd like. I understand that Indy has an amazing defense statistically, but it's more of a result of good coaching than it is outstanding athletes at the position. When the totals are added together it provides what I believe to be a fairly accurate perspective on the balance of power throughout the division. This is going to be a very entertaining season.

Monday Rundown: Get Caught Up

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:14:00 +0000

Some Dolphin was traded to the Redskins. I could've sworn Jason Taylor said he wanted to play for a competitive team. Can't say I've heard too many championship contention whispers coming from 'Skins camp.

ProFootballWeekly.com reports that our boy Jacoby Jones is progessing slower than anticipated and his chances of cracking one of the top 3 wide out spots looks grim. In other news, the sky is blue.

First round draft pick Duane Brown remains unsigned. I remain unsurprised. Don't be afraid of Mario...he's on your team, man. GO TO CAMP DUANE.

According to The Houston Chronicle's John McClain, Texans enter Training Camp With Heart Set on Winning. Speculation has circulated over the article's title, citing Travis Johnson's spot on the roster as a evidence to the contrary.

Texans Schedule Calls: Preseason Edition

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:17:00 +0000

Well here it is; the definitive schedule breakdown, chock-full of Texans bias. Once training camps wrap up I might make some adjustments to it.

Week 1: @ Pittsburgh
The O: Schaub should find Andre enough to take this one. Ground attack will be held in check
The D: Demeco can catch Fast Willie, Mario will keep Ben on the move.
Call it: Texans shock the Steelers, 24-17 W

Week 2: Baltimore
The O: Ground game will struggle, but Schaub should find some daylight to throw.
The D: Mario should be disruptive now that Ogden the Goliath has retired.
Call it: In an ugly defensive slugfest the Texans top the Ravens, 17-13 W

Week 3: @ tennessee (tennessee will never be capitalized on this website, for the record.)
The O: O-line will be looking to redeem itself; Haynesworth will be looking for a head to stomp. AJ will continue to give titans fits.
The D: Vince will be pressured all game long. Secondary should capitalize at least once
Call it: Both teams trade INTs and Houston leaves tennessee with the W, 27-20 W

Week 4: @ Jacksonville
The O: Another O-line test, But the Texans can throw on the Jags
The D: Secondary will need to buckle down to have a chance
Call it: Texans put up a fight but Jacksonville outlasts them, 21-31 L

Week 5: Indianapolis
The O: With solid blocking, the passing game should produce. Ground game will start to find daylight
The D: This game is the d-line's to win or lose. If they can't get to Peyton it'll get ugly.
Call it: Texans drop 2 in a row, 17-28 L

Week 6: Miami
The O: Ground game could make this a statement game, Andre will get his too.
The D: Jake Long will meet Mario, Mario will meet McCown alot in the backfield.
Call it: Texans win, 27-10, W

Week 7: Detroit
The O: I call shootout, with monster games across the board
The D: Dunta should be back by now, but Roy and Calvin could spoil the return.
Call it: Texans outgun the Lions, 35-28, W

Week 8: Bye

Week 9: @ Minnesota
The O: This will be a statement game against a dominant defense. Don't expect much
The D: Should only need to focus on AP without a passing attack. But AP can beat teams alone.
Call it: Texans stumble, Vikings win 13-20, L

Week 10: Cincinnati
The O: Decent Matchup will provide an opportunity for offense to regain confidence
The D: Dunta, Fred and Jacques will have their hands full.
Call it: Texans take it, 27-21, W

Week 11: @ Indianapolis
The O: see week 5
The D: see week 5
Call it: If the Colts are still healthy this late, they're still favored. Colts win, 14-24, L

Week 12: @ Cleveland
The O: Schaub will be throwing under pressure, but should find daylight
The D: Not an Ideal matchup across the board
Call it: Houston squeaks by in close game, 24-21 W

Week 13: Jacksonville
The O: Andre Johnson will make the most of his MNF debut. My popcorn will be ready.
The D: Mario showed up last season on primetime, I see a repeat.
Call it: Texans win MNF matchup at home, 27-21 W

Week 14: @ Green Bay
The O: This will be a tough matchup. The Packers still have a nasty D.
The D: Favre-less, they should be fine. Favre-ed? Not so much
Call it: Packers take it because it's so damn cold, 17-10 L

Week 15: tennessee
The O: see week 3
The D: see week 3
Call it: tennessee splits the series. 20-14 L

Week 16: @ Oakland
The O: The ground game should find room to work, Schaub will need to be smart.
The D: Pressure on Russell should force some turnovers
Call it: Texans win, McFadden cries. 27-16 W

Week 17: Chicago
The O: Chicago's D will clamp down, but Texans' O outperforms Chicago's
The D: Mario will eat Rex Grossman, forcing the Bears to finally find a QB
Call it: Hard-earned scores put Texans over the top, 14-10 W

2008 Regular Season Record:

10-6

Now I know this sounds crazy but I just predicted them as I went down the list. With a perfectly healthy team though, 10 wins is not out of the question. Of course the casual fan who doesn't pay close attention to them will once again write them off as a terrible team. To all of you subscribing to this school of thought, think about this.

The Texans were injured last year more than any team.

They still went 8-8.

Last year was Matt Schaub's first as a starter.

Still, they went 8-8.

Matt Schaub missed 5 games, and left 2 early. Andre Johnson missed more.

THEY STILL WENT 8-8.

Now take that team and add better offensive lineman, a better o-line coach, and year of starting experience to Matt Schaub and Okoye and then tell me my enthusiasm is baseless.

Extra Dirt

If I throw 17 interceptions, can I get a shoe named after me too?

An asterisk next to the Houston Rockets' championships because MJ wasn't there? If you give them one, then make sure to hand the '99 Spurs and '00 Lakers one too...because MJ WASNT THERE! Please.

Rocco's tied for 4th at +2. Go get 'em!

Breaking Down AFC South Offenses, Rotisserie Style.

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:54:00 +0000

Last semester my cultural anthropolgy class paved the way to two stunning discoveries. First off, I learned that ESPN mobile is a pretty good tool to get you through a 3 hour documentary on the Raramuri Tribe. Secondly -- in the event that your cell phone dies during said documentary -- I discovered an interesting way to accurately determine NFL division rankings based upon personal preference.

It's a simple numbers-based ranking system which implements rotisserie style scoring to each of the major components of both the offense and defense. Offense and defense are tallied seperately and added together in the end to produce an fairly accurate perspective on the layout of a given division.

This morning I'm focusing on the offenses. Later, I'll tackle the defenses and then add up the totals.

With offense, I break it into 5 non-statistical categories: Quarterbacks, Running backs, Wide Receivers, Tight Ends, and the Offensive Line. I count the o-line as one whole category, but you can waste your own time ranking each specific position. Now since the AFC South is a four-team division, the highest ranking any team can earn a given category is a 4. Assign the best team in the category a 4, and the worst, a 1. You can only use whole numbers, so don't be wishy-washy.

Alright that's enough set-up. Let's start with the quarterbacks:

Quarterbacks

Indianapolis, 4 points: Peyton Manning could have had his leg amputated the other day and I would still rank him among the NFL's elite. Call it a man-crush, but he's still the best in the AFC South.

Jacksonville, 3 points: David Garrard saved Jack Del Rio's job last year by not being terrible. Garrard's thank-you gift came in the form of a pair of new wide receivers, Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson. If Porter can prove he still has some tread on his tires, I expect big things from Garrard.

Houston, 2 points: An improved O-line should help keep Schaub on the field. If that proves true, Schaub should have a breakout year.

tennessee, 1 point: Vince Young has a lot in common with fellow Longhorn alum Cedric Benson. Both were picked 3rd overall, both love the sauce, and if Vince doesn't watch out they'll share the same label: NFL busts. Blame it on the Madden Curse, blame the wide receivers, blame whoever you want. Bottom line is, Vince Young is the only one you can blame for airmailing 17 turnovers to the other team.

Running Backs

Jacksonville, 4 points: Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor form a nasty backfield that can stretch a defense wide, or pop them in the jaw. MJD is also on my man-crush list for steamrolling Shawne Merriman.

Indianapolis, 3 points: Joseph Addai is a man-child, plain and simple. Very productive back who, according to my girlfriend's sage football analysis, has "a very nice smile."

Houston, 2 points: I'm takin a leap and going with the home team. If Green can stay healthy and the offensive line is as improved as advertised, Houston will be fielding a very versatile backfield this season.

tennessee, 1 point: Lendale White proved to be a good runningback last season, but I think he's very one-dimensional. That doesn't bode well when you don't have much of a passing attack to back the defense up.

Wide Receivers

Indianapolis, 4 points: Reggie Wayne. Marvin Harrison. No need to go any further.

Houston, 3 points: Andre Johnson continues to bully people out wide. Kevin Walter has established himself as a dependable possession receiver, and Andre Davis provides a speedy home run threat for The Schaub.

Jacksonville, 2 points: Jacksonville made significant improvements to their receiving corps. with Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson, but they still lack the home-run hitter that Houston and Indy have with Andre Johnson and Reggie Wayne/Marvin Harrison. Garrard should be able to make things work though.

tennessee, 1 point: I know you think I'm picking on them, and I am. I just don't see much in this offense. But you can't argue with me on their WR ranking.

Tight Ends

Indianapolis, 4 points: Dallas Clark gets the job done. He's a red-zone monster who's even more likely to get open this season with Marvin back in the fold.

Houston, 3 points: Owen Daniels was a big target last year, with 63 receptions. Daniels ranked 5th among all TEs last season in receiving yards with 768. He should find the end zone with a little more regularity this season.

tennessee, 2 points: Look, see? I don't always put them on the bottom. But Algernon Darius Crumpler III is getting old and durability is a concern. Bo Scaife should continue to be one of the few consistent receiving options on the titans.

Jacksonville, 1 point: The Jaguars say Marcedes Lewis has improved considerably. You still have to use him for that to mean anything though.

Offensive Line

Indianapolis, 4 points: Jeff Saturday and Co. dictate the line of scrimmage. You think Kenton Keith would've done anything without them? That was all o-line.

tennessee, 3 points: Last year they gave Vince all the time he needed...to throw an interception. Lendale White found it to be a tight squeeze but managed to run between these guys to the tune of 1,110 yards.

Jacksonville, 2 points: It's tough picking between these teams, because of the successes MJD and Fred Taylor had behind the Jags o-line. This is still a great unit, nonetheless.

Houston, 1 point: This could be the year they pull it together and finally shrug the bad wrap they've caught since the team took the field. Even so, they've still got a lot of ground to cover in this category.

Totals

Indianapolis, 19 points

Jacksonville, 12 points

Houston, 11 points

tennessee, 8 points

It's not an exact science, but I find it fairly accurate of what to expect this season. Next up, I'll breakdown the defenses.

Extra Dirt

Rocco Mediate, holla at ya boy. What's up with Phil these days?

I'll play fantasy football, Prince Abdullah bin Mosaad bin Abdulaziz Al Saud. But the draft party's still at my place. (does fantasy football rule #17 include owners names?)

What do the Astros and Texans have in common? In August, neither team will be playing games that matter. OH SNAP!

Adibi Signs, Gives Me Real News to Post

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:51:00 +0000

Xavier Adibi just got paid. Not sure how much, but the contract's 4 years long and I'm sure we'll find out before then. Personally, I expect Adibi to be a sleeper here. You heard it here first (you probably didn't, but whatever), Adibi will be good. Plus he was really good on the Texans when I transferred him over to my Madden Franchise from NCAA. What more proof do you need than that?! Seriously though, he's got the athleticism to excel and a couple decent guys ahead of him in the depth chart that can teach him a thing or two. With the right work ethic, he could develop into a force.

Forget Rodgers supplanting Favre, the Texans have their own drama. Adibi's official Texans Jersey will don the immortal number 52. Will he be able to match the same level of ferocity and intensity that the 52 jersey once previously brought to the field? The steely gaze of Kailee Wong most-certainly watches from a distance.

Kailee Wong knows no mercy.

Completely Unrelated Sidenote.

NCAA 09 pulled a fast one this year. After years of my brain being trained to press RB as a wide receiving option, those punks at Tiburon decided to to remap it to throw the ball away to avoid a sack. Three hours and 10,000 intentional grounding penalties later...my brain had made the adjustment. Besides that, good game.

Look at that. I got a fan.

Sorgi, You're In! -- A Colt's worst nightmare

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:16:00 +0000

Jim Sorgi, known to some as "The Bambino of Football," calls his shot.

Photo from AP Photo by Darron Cummings

So yesterday I found out that Peyton Manning is, in fact, not a robot. That, or NFL robots have bursae like us humans that sometimes get infected (malfunction) and require surgery (tune-up). His surgery (tune-up) will keep him sidelined for the next 4-6 weeks, but according to ESPN.com he should be ready to go for the regular season. In other words, don't get your hopes up Texans fans. But the thought of Manning being out of action made me wonder how the Colts would function. So I took it a step further and, Eureka! A hypothetical speculation blog post was born.

What would the AFC South look like without Peyton for a year? Let's take a team by team approach.

Indianapolis Colts: They go first, since they'd be the most affected. A Peyton-less Colts team would be a rudderless ship. In such an event, I suspect that head coach Tony Dungy would look to Joseph Addai to shoulder the load. Jim Sorgi would take over under center for the first time as a starter in the NFL. Very soon after he would run back to the sidelines to find his helmet, a la Johnny Moxon in Varsity Blues. Sorgi's numbers have been respectable in the 6 meaningless games he's been the feature QB. Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and Anthony Gonzales would consult with Ricky Williams and other holistic medicine professionals in an effort to bring Peyton back as quickly as possible. In order to avoid the train wreck that the Colts season would inevitably become, Marvin Harrison would claim that his leg is acting up again, and has forced him into an early retirement. In other words, it would probably get ugly...despite the weapons Sorgi would have. Remember how the Chargers started out last year? Picture that, minus the turn-around. I say they'd win 5 games, tops.

Peytonless Prediction for 2008: 1-5 in division, with defense taking one from tennessee

Jacksonville Jaguars: An injury to Peyton would be blood in the water, immediately highlighting Jack Del Rio's Jags as the favorite to win the division. John Henderson and Co. will look to paint a masterpiece with their revamped pass rush and in the first matchup of the season Jim Sorgi will be the canvas. By the time they meet back up in week 16, the Jags will have locked up a playoff spot. The Colts will have a chance to take this one (though they wont), but only because Jacksonville's starters will be resting. Following the game, Roger Gooddell fines the Jaguars entire defense for what he later terms "excessive brutality."

Peytonless Prediction: 4-2 in division, with a sweep of the Colts.

tennessee titans: The titans won't have the playmakers on offense to significantly challenge the Jags for the top spot, if Peyton ever went down. Vince's propensity towards the interception would keep Bob Sanders and the Colts in contention for both games, leading to a split of the series. Albert Haynesworth and Kyle Vanden Bosch will have a field day.

Peytonless Prediction: 2-4 in division, splitting the Colts series thanks to a 3 INT performance by VY in week 8.

Houston Texans: The Texans would be the second biggest beneficiary of a sidelined Peyton Manning. With a healthy offense, Schaub and Andre Johnson will take advantage of a tired Colts defense late in each game. With Colvin, Williams and Okoye applying pressure on Sorgi, the Texans will very well be poised to sweep the Colts for the first time ever.

Peytonless Prediction: 4-2 in division, With Mario Williams devouring Jim Sorgi in the final seconds of their week 11 matchup to sweep the Colts. Sorgi would be later be regurgitated, per the insistence of Head Coach Gary Kubiak.

Final Division Standings:

Jacksonville, 4-2

Houston, 4-2

tennessee, 2-4

Indy, 1-5

In summary, the Colts would be in for a very bumpy ride if Peyton were ever forced to sit out an entire season. Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark, both of whom have never had to worry about suiting up Sunday without Manning, would fall under crushing scrutiny. If either one struggled to produce, shows like PTI and Around the Horn would undoubtedly begin debating whether or not they're overrated, and whether Peyton's simply been inflating their stats. Both guys are great players, but they've also been receiving the ball from arguably the best distributor in the game. Their temporary fall from the NFL's elite would also most-certainly leave a playoff spot up for grabs, giving up-start teams like the Browns, and Texans a legitimate shot at entering the post-season.

Peyton Manning's absence from football would be the equivalent of Tiger's absence from golf. It's amazing to think how much the landscape of the entire sport would be changed by an injury (malfunction) to one quarterback (robot).

ALTERNATE SCENARIO:

Upon news of Manning's injury, the Colts trade their 2009 1st round pick to Green Bay for Brett Favre. The balance of power in the AFC would remain unchanged, and I would have no choice but to hate Favre.

SportingNews.com's Jacked up QB Ranks

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:02:00 +0000

So SportingNews.com put out an article on the Top 25 Quarterbacks. I started reading and found myself pretty much agreeing with every one of the top eight picks. Then I realized that they should've just made a list of the top eight. After that it's about as accurate as Peyton versus the Chargers last year in the regular season. Here's their ranks:

Uncontested 1-8

1) Tom Brady
2) Peyton Manning
3) Carson Palmer
4) Drew Brees
5) Ben Roethlisberger
6) Matt Hasselbeck
7) Tony Romo
8) Brett Favre

Thoughts: They're obviously going off of last years performances; in which case I would say that Brees should've been 3rd over Palmer. Brady and Manning are interchangeable. It's like asking which Bentley you want. Either way, it's an amazing car.
Revision: Bottom line is, 1-8 are a pretty solid lineup.

9) Philip Rivers
10) Donovan McNabb
11) David Garrard
12) Eli Manning

Thoughts: Now this is where I get to talk bad. Who did Eli Manning piss off at SportingNews.com? Garrard is the only one in this second tier that I would give a solid argument to ranking above Eli. People always talk about great QBs not getting into the Hall of Fame because they couldn't cut it in the post-season. What about a pretty-good QB playing like he's possessed in the post-season? Donovan didn't even MAKE the postseason! Rivers played hard on a bum knee, which is admirable. And Garrard was a fun (and frustrating, being a Texans fan) surprise to watch all season. But none of that compares to what Eli did. Coach gave him the ball in the fourth quarter of the SUPER BOWL and he marched down the field against a team with a perfect record AND BEAT THEM. None of those other guys have been named Super Bowl MVP.
Revision: Manning, Garrard, Rivers, McNabb.

13) Jay Cutler
14) Jake Delhomme
15) Marc Bulger
16) Derek Anderson
17) Matt Schaub

Thoughts: Cutler belongs up top in this group, especially when you consider that he played the entire season unaware that he was a diabetic. That's a man right there kids. Jake Delhomme doesn't belong in this tier. It was just last year that everyone was waiting for David Carr to pull a Tony Romo on Delhomme and steal his spot. When you factor that in, along with the fact that he played 3 games last season...why is he above Derek Anderson? I think they put Schaub in the general vicinity, but they're claiming he hasn't proved anything. What did Delhomme prove last year? Bulger missed 4 games and wound up with 11 TDs on the season. Schaub missed 5 (not including getting knocked out of the San Diego Game and the Tennessee game) and threw for 9. Call me crazy, but I'm puttin Schaub over both of those guys.
Revision: Cutler, Anderson, Schaub, Bulger. Delhomme shouldn't be in this group, so I'm bumping up Jeff Garcia to 17.

18) Jeff Garcia
19) Chad Pennington
20) Matt Leinart
21) Aaron Rodgers
22) Jason Campbell
23) Vince Young
24) Trent Edwards
25) Jon Kitna

Thoughts: This list gets goofier the further down you go. Pennington can't hold on to a starting job, so why is he even on this list? Aaron Rodgers hasn't even played a full game starting at QB and yet for some reason, Jon Kitna is ranked below him despite throwing for over 4,000 yards. Vince is an absolute joke so far, and I'm loving it.
Revisions: Kitna, Delhomme, Campbell, Pennington, Leinart, Edwards, Young, Rodgers

So here's my list of the Top 25 Quarterbacks

1) P. Manning
2) Brady
3) Brees
4) Palmer
5) Roethlisberger
6) Romo
7) Hasselbeck
8) Favre
9) E. Manning
10) Garrard
11) Rivers
12) McNabb
13) Cutler
14) Anderson
15) Schaub
16) Bulger
17) Garcia
18) Kitna
19) Delhomme
20) Campbell
21) Pennington
22) Leinart
23) Edwards
24) Young
25) Rodgers

Granted this is just an "at first glance" revision of a terrible list. I'll put my own list out later today or sometime time this week.

You Stay Classy Houston (Texans)

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:15:00 +0000

Nowadays it seems like your favorite NFL player is more likely to obtain a criminal record than one on the field.

It seems like once the offseason hits, they all go nuts like a 2nd grader at recess.

Cedric Benson's got a little Captain in him.

I'm too lazy to retell every single incident where Johnny Law meets Arrogant NFL Athlete, so here's a quick run-down of my favorites.

Odell Thurman - Felonious assault at a water park.
Thoughts: If it wasn't at Schlitterbahn, then who cares what place in line you are. The ride is going to suck. Now if he was at the Bahnzai Pipeline, that'd be a different story.

Cedric Benson - A DWI, BWI (boating while intoxicated), and resisting arrest all in a month.
Thoughts: That mandatory breathalyzer installed in his car is sure to impress the ladies.

Marshawn Lynch - Hit and Run
Thoughts: What's a 27 year-old-lady doing dancing in the street at 3 in the morning?! Hopefully that $150 traffic ticket will teach Lynch a harsh lesson.

Matt Jones - Felony Cocaine Charges
Thoughts: He currently claims no responsibility. I guess he was just being a pal and cutting those lines of white candy in his lap….for a friend?

This list goes on MUCH longer than this, but those are a few of my favorites (so far).

Yet with the abundance of players making weekend reservations at the grey-bar motel, I've noticed one thing: Not too many of them are Texans. Take Jacoby Jones and his DWI ticket in March out of the equation and you have a Texans roster with no police reports. That's a pretty admirable thing these days. I like knowing that when some mom goes to buy her kid a Texans jersey, she wont have to find one that doesn't have an arrest record linked to it.

Not one marquee name on the Texans roster has had issues with law enforcement. Mario Williams caught a little flack for a video posted of him speeding in a Lamborghini, but honestly...if you're not speeding in a Lambo every once in awhile, then why'd you even buy it?! Besides him, they've all remained stand-up citizens in the community, and proven leaders on the field.

So what exactly are the Texans doing to keep their players in check? It's actually a simple two-step process.

Step One: Questionable characters need not apply. Head Coach Gary Kubiak and General Manager Rick Smith make it a point to factor in a specific player quality that most teams constantly overlook when adding to their roster. Character. Character wont add 50 pounds to your bench press or take .5 seconds off of your 40-yard dash, but it's an intangible worth weighing when choosing a player. Your light's out game changing player can't make much of an impact on the field when he's getting fingerprinted down at county. Because of this, Smith and Kubiak have put together a locker-room full of quality people and athletes. They've also displayed a New England-like zero tolerance policy to knuckleheads (see: Mathis, Jerome).

Step Two: Less downtime equals less time to get in trouble. The Texans offseason training spans throughout the summer unlike most NFL teams. This leaves little time and opportunity to attend shirt-less parties, spray Dom Perignon on people at a Vegas club (and then get jumped for showing off), or smoka da reefah. Simple as that.

Because of this, the Texans are one of the classiest team in the NFL as far as I'm concerned. Now while that doesn't directly translate into wins, it provides the team with a level of legitimacy amongst the rest of the league. In time I believe it will turn them into an ideal destination for free agents. Thanks for being one of the few teams in the league that sets a positive example. You stay classy, Texans (Thanks for stopping by).

Favre out there: odds and ends

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 19:45:00 +0000

So Brett wants to come back after all. I'm cool with that, so I'll spare everyone another blog post about whether he should or shouldn't. Instead here's some odds and ends that I've picked up over the past few days.

Packers GM Ted Thompson has stated that they're not releasing Favre.
But what's really interesting to me is how much Ted Thompson looks like Vince McMahon.

Don't act like you don't see a resemblance. And when did he get a Hollywood Star?! Props to Vince.

ESPN checked in on the other quarterback involved.
Here's what they dug up:

"ESPN.com's Ed Werder interviewed Rogers, who was playing at celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, Friday."There's nothing I can tell you about the situation," said Rogers, who refused to comment further."

...No offense, but WTF is Aaron Rodgers doing at a celebrity golf tournament? Not winning, that's for sure (get ready for a lot of that, Green Bay). But seriously, Rodgers isn't a celebrity, so he should've been disqualified. Go ask a casual football fan and they probably wouldn't know who you're talking about.

Brett Favre has yet to publicly state any intentions of returning to the NFL. Speculation of a return has risen through alleged text messages, conference calls with Packers front office, and an actual letter requesting his release. The most revealing bit of evidence was found within the same ESPN article mentioned above, stating that Favre has been working out with a local high school team. This can only mean two things: One, he’s trying to keep in shape. Two, he’s trying to get a feel for what it will be like throwing to Viking and Buccaneer receivers.

"Favre did not wish to speak publicly about his situation when approached while
working out Friday morning at a local high school in Hattiesburg. He appeared to
be in excellent physical condition and threw the ball with ease, even throwing
it 50 yards "on a rope" with high school receivers. He has been throwing and
running with the team for more than a month."

Oh SNAP he said it!!! That's right. I said it.

Unrelated Note

This guy will never have to pay for a drink in an American bar. Former Philidelphia Eagle Via Sikahema 3-pieced Jose Canseco in a celebrity boxing match. Canseco's already turned himself into a joke. But when you admit to taking steriods, a physical performance enhancer, you should at least be able to put up a little bit of a fight. This joker was TKOed in the FIRST ROUND. The good part? Canseco had a 7-inch, 40-pound height and weight advantage. The BEST part? Sikahema was a RETURN SPECIALIST.

Texans Training Camp Plotlines: 5 things to keep an eye on

abumnamedPaul@gmail.com (abumnamedPaul) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 05:27:00 +0000

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm going into withdrawals heading into this weekend. With training camp so close to starting, you can almost hear the mouthpieces boiling. As a result I have put together a list of the top 5 things to keep an eye on as the Houston Texans begin training camp in the next few weeks.

5) Who'll be Dre's running buddy?
Andre Johnson's starting spot will never be questioned. What's unclear to me is the wide receiver race opposite Johnson. Kevin Walter begins camp as the incumbent to the starting role, but with playmaker Andre Davis cashing in this past offseason you have to wonder if the front office might feel a little obligated. Davis fits well in the slot, but don't underestimate the Brandon Stokely effect a guy like Walter could have at the slot as well (The Colts version, not the Broncos). Also keep an eye on Jacoby Jones. I don't really know what to make of him following last season, but he showed some flashes of brilliance in the preseason. It'll be interesting to see whether or not he's ready to challenge for more playing time.

4) Will Duane Brown survive?
General Manager Rick Smith has earned my confidence. So if he thinks Duane Brown was worth drafting a little higher than projected, then I'm sticking with him. The concern I have is whether or not having to fight off a bear (a.k.a. Mario Williams) throughout training camp is going to make or break him. Some guys rise to the challenge (Demeco Ryans), and some guys can't handle the challenge (David Carr). Let's hope he toughens up because Mario was embarrassing the poor rook in mini-camp.

3) Who gets hurt first, Green or Brown?
Cheap shot, I know. But seriously, Ahman Green was the most frustrating part of last year. Learn how to fall, dude. Former Tennessee Titan Chris Brown joins Green in the backfield this year, along with his own well-documented list of injuries. The question at this point isn't if one of them is going to get hurt, but rather when and who, if not both. Also be on the lookout to see how they plan on using rookie Steve Slaton.

2) How will the offense look post-Mike Sherman?

Mike Sherman's headed off to salvage what's left of Texas A&M's football program, leaving quarterbacks coach Kyle Shanahan in charge as the offensive coordinator. Sherman's offense proved effective last year as the Texans set a franchise record for most points scored in a single game, and it will be interesting to see what changes we'll see from Shanahan. With offensive line coach Alex Gibb's playing Extreme Makeover: Texans O-Line Edition, will we finally see the heavy rushing attack that head coach Gary Kubiak has been lobbying the front office for? Or will he take a more Chris Palmer approach and have Schaub start throwing 3 and 5 yard out routes? With so many dynamic players on the Texans 2008 offense, it will be interesting to see if he can incorporate them all effectively.

1) Will Mario Williams remain "Super?"

I think Super Mario found his mushroom power-up halfway through last season, which resulted in a 14.5 sack total by season's end. In mini-camp earlier this summer he demoralized our first round draft pick. At the moment he looks to build on a solid sophomore outing, while Vince and Reggie look to catch up after some slightly less impressive seasons. Will Williams be able to build on his success, or was last season merely a fluke?