My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking . . . → Read More: And Then The Fight Started…]]>

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

Share this:

Poor Thing. Can’t even afford clothes…

A few days later he receives a parcel . . . → Read More: What A Parcel!]]> A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple.

Share this:

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to  her and said, ‘Do you want to have  Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said,

‘Is  that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look  at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I . . . → Read More: And That’s When The Fight Started…]]>

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to  her and said, ‘Do you want to have  Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said,

‘Is  that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look  at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And  that’s when the fight    started…

[ad]

Share this:

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”

Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”

Student: “OK. So I’d like . . . → Read More: Legal or Logical]]>

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”

Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”

Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.

Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”

To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

“All right” says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”

Share this:

The following is an actual question given on a  University of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic(gives off heat)or endothermic(absorbs  heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas  cools when it expands and heats when it is . . . → Read More: Hell Defined]]>

The following is an actual question given on a  University of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic(gives off heat)or endothermic(absorbs  heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas  cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we  need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at  which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely  assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

Share this:

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’

He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’

So she consented, they were married, and off they went . . . → Read More: Getting To Know Each Other]]>

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’

He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, ‘That was incredible!’

He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’

‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.

Share this:

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’

‘Well, Joey, I’m sure to find . . . → Read More: Altar Boy’s Confessional]]> ‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’

‘Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

! ’I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.  But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads…’

Share this:

One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a  cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next  year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked  me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

[ad]