burbling brain juice

First weekend

2016-01-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

Started 2016 with a super bad migraine on New Year's Eve, but rebounded with a grueling 7.5 mile hike this past Saturday. I'm determined to make the most of this year with as much physical activity that I can muster. It's time to take care of my health and get into shape.

I finally finished my big tapestry crochet harlequin blanket. Almost 7 months on and off, but it's finally done and in time to keep us warm this winter. It's been a cold one, and we're expecting a lot of rain coming. This blanket will be perfect to keep us going.

2016

2016-01-01T14:48:00.001-08:00

A new year. Another year. So much to say but nothing to write down. All I can do is wish, hope, and look forward.

EndCap

2015-12-29T16:07:00.002-08:00

It's been one whirlwind of a year, and as 2015 closes we have a lot to look forward to in the upcoming year. But before that, a recap:

We celebrated 3 years of marriage on December 12. Had a sweet date at the Dead Fish, did some ice skating, and saw Creed at the theaters. It was nice to feel like we were dating again.

Anniversary flowers from my love.

Dinner at the Dead Fish: prime rib and crab!

Skate time! Luckily neither one of us bit it.

Christmas this year was quiet and simple. Only gave the kids presents- there's really no need for us adults to exchange gifts anymore.

Happy Holidays from George

My beautiful midge and I.

Someone just couldn't hang...

The day after Christmas, we were greeted early in the morning with George gagging and puking in the bed. Then a lovely hike at Wildcat Canyon.

Grateful for all that we were able to celebrate in 2015, and looking forward to what's in store for 2016!

My Boy.

2015-12-07T15:37:00.003-08:00

Yesterday was a lazy day. George and I sat on the couch most of the day as the heavy drizzle came in waves. He was curled into a ball nestled in my softest most fluffiest blanket while I crocheted my blanket. He slept most of the day, but would occasionally peek out of the blanket to make sure I was still nearby. In one instance he jumped out of the blankets, thinking Dad was home, but he wasn't. So he hopped back into his blanket nest and settled in while looking at me. Peering into my beloved mutt's face, I notice more little white hairs sprouting on his muzzle. I look into his deep brown eyes as he lays his head on my leg, and realize that he's getting older. He's still spry and still loves his walks, but he's inevitably getting on in years. Five to a dog is thirty five to us.

As my biological clock slowly ticks, and each passing month I remain childless, I think about all the things I had hoped for. George came to us when we were a couple, having moved into our beautiful condo for about a year. We got married and became a real family. We bought a house to grow into. George got his own room with the best view. Now, I hope to have a child grow up with George. They would share a room, share meals eventually, and share the same space on the couch with me, nestled against the cold drizzle outside. My child would have what I didn't growing up- a loving and loyal pet.

I love George so much with all my heart, that it aches to think of the moment his time will come, but I continually hope he remains in good health and will be staying with us for at least 10 more years. He's still my spry guy, muzzle dotted with white whiskers and all. I look at him as he stares at me intently with all the love his 14 pound body can muster, and realize just how lucky we are to have him.

As these thoughts swirled in my head, I reached over suddenly, grabbed him, and held him tight to my chest like a baby. He leans his head into my heart and sighs a sigh of contentment. My boy, my dog, my love.

People tell me, pets are just animals. This may be true, but until they have one of their own, they will never know how rewarded I am each day with such unconditional love, with a heartily wagging tail, with unfailing devotion and loyalty. All the bad in George's life that happened before he came home with us seems like it never existed. He lies perched like a prince on our best blankets, our brand new couch, on his many beds strewn around the house. He knows he is the center of our world. We are his pack. I'd do anything and give him everything. He in turn rewards us with love and cornchippy essence. With every milestone in our lives, he is always going to be a part of it.

Yes. He's just a dog. But he's our dog. He's our family. This is the part that people can't or don't understand until they have one of their own.

Until then, I continue to be rewarded. I remember what life was like before him, but I can't imagine life without him.

Hikes Galore

2015-12-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

I resolved to get into better shape and get active more. I've been trying to get consistent in riding my bike and hiking. So far I've been able to hit a few beautiful spots and get some good scenery photos out of it. Makes me appreciate where we live and just how gorgeous the outdoors is.

Wildcat Canyon Regional Park:

Pinole Bayfront Park:

Diablo Foothills Regional Park:

Joaquin Miller Park:

Muir Woods:

Behind

2015-11-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

I've tried since 2006 to keep this blog updated monthly, but I noticed the entries have become more sparse.

Life has settled into a good routine. The end of the year is quickly upon us and I sit here wondering, seriously, where did time go?

With the change in seasons the cold has finally come. During the end of summer I took up cycling again and was steadily racking up miles before the daylight savings change came. Still, this is something I hope to keep doing especially on weekends.

We're still bowling, and will be bowling the Nationals next year. This will probably be our last year bowling league for awhile, but we'll go out with a bang. You never really forget how to bowl, we just hope we'll be able to go out here and there and keep it up.

We'll be celebrating 3 years of marriage at the end of the year. Looking to see what 2016 will bring us.

And I can't end without talking about George. Good ol George. He is loving this winter cold because it gives him every opportunity to snuggle with us under fuzzy blankets. He is spoiled yet loves us abundantly. I just can't believe how lucky we are.

Realism.

2015-10-22T09:56:00.002-07:00

I can't seem to articulate what I want in a beautifully composed entry. So? I'm going to settle for straight and to the point bullet points.

- Look yourself in the mirror. This world is full of judgment and people are GOING to pick at you no matter what you do. The only thing you can do is be HONEST with yourself.
- Your faults and flaws are who you are. You gain more respect learning how to admit them than trying to hide them.
- Trying to be someone you're not is absolutely exhausting. In the end, it's so unnatural that people see through it anyway, and at that point, it becomes a REALLY sad scene.
- Live a life of follow through. You say you are going to do something? Do it, and do it YOURSELF. Turning around and volunteering someone else for the task completely negates your kindhearted offer.
- The truth seriously hurts when you're good at dishing it out but have no experience taking it. If you can't take it, be kind and don't open yourself up for that kind of dialogue.
- Being judgmental hurts only you. What you choose to do with your life is great. But it's not the standard or guideline for others.
- Criticism is GOOD. You learn to develop thick skin and understand which points to accept or discard. Life is always about learning and making every moment a teaching moment.

This is not to say that everyone has to be this way. But you're only living when you're comfortable in your own skin and able to accept what you really are.

On Commuting

2015-10-09T10:55:00.002-07:00

When we used to live in Oakland, my drive to work was a cool 7 minutes. I would get up as late as possible and jet to work in record time, and still make it on time. Those were the heydays.

NOW, I slowly slither on 80, slowly but surely making my way from Hercules to the El Cerrito del Norte station. There is NO wiggle room. 5 minutes makes all the difference between getting to work on time or NOT finding a space at the parking lot AT ALL. It's not always this bad. During the spring and summer months, things start to lighten up. But right now, in the fall and winter, things are trying my patience.

I knew what I was getting into when I moved into our beautiful house, and I don't regret it. But some days:

I just WISH for a smoother commute. It shouldn't take me an whole hour to move 15 miles.
I wish for a BART station closer to home.
I wish that I would not be punished for not being able to afford an overpriced house closer to home.
I wish I could come home happier, not agitated from sitting in over an hour and a half of traffic.

One day all this may change, and I hope soon I can look back and simply laugh at my anguish.

Eight Eve

2015-09-30T11:06:00.002-07:00

JD,

Today is the eve of your 8th birthday. Eight years went by in the blink of an eye just like that. Most of the time I see you, your face is huddled into the iPad as if your life depended on it. I'd like to think your voice resides in your brain, fueling your engineer's mind and speaking volumes in building great things in the future. From the time you showed me how to unlock an iPhone at a year old, I knew that there was hope that these technological gadgets will do more than turn your mind into mush.

I hope to see you put your mind on paper, turn those realities with your own two hands. I would never ask you to be famous, to be the best- just to be you.

Happy 8th birthday, my little midge, my "baby", and my thinker. The world is in your hands and the sky is the limit to your desires.

Passing

2015-09-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

Clarence,

Eight years ago today, it was decided that enough was enough. Your spirit had left us long before your body gave out, and it was time to let you be at peace.

Eight years is a long time to be without a loved one. I think about all the moments in our lives that have transpired, and how sorely needed your presence was. Jaya is a teenager now, and I can only remember the little girl that cried for you when she was getting her stubborn hair done. But I wish you were here to guide her, to mold her, and to strengthen her into an independent and empowered young lady. Joseph has grown into a solid and good teenager. He is hurtling towards adulthood and I know you would have been there to continue guiding him, to find his independence and way in life. We all needed a Clarence in our lives. One of firm discipline, one of sound advice, one who is matter-of-fact.

So much would be so different if you were still here. It pains me to think how hard your absence still is even after so much time has passed. Time doesn't always heal things. We move on with our lives, but that ache and that hole continues to travel with time.

We still remember you and we still miss you, Clarence. I know our spirituality states that you have been with us at every moment and can see what transpires, but it is not the same. We've transferred your love and memory into our lives as we grow older, but I would love for any moment that you could physically be here to share in the triumphs and monumental occasions in our lives.

Stew

2015-08-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened lately. I have had to wrestle a lot of emotions and thoughts within my heart and brain.

In 2006 after I finished college, I knew I was headed towards a career in journalism. I was already working at the paper, and hoped to continue towards a bigger paper, but life decided to take a sharp right turn.

I sit here now in 2015, on the flip side of the coin. I am guarded, with truth and honestly cradled in my solid fists. I can never lose sight of the simplicity in what my mother taught me: always be truthful, and always stand for what is right, and always be fair.

I know I am out and on the outskirts for a reason. Never will I ever allow a career to dictate my character or detract from who I was raised to be.

August Upon Us

2015-08-05T15:14:00.004-07:00

July was a very tough month to get through, but it's done. August was ushered in with open arms and has been a breath of fresh air.

I hacked a bit of my hair off to rid the negative juju and to start the month fresh. Now I have a wonderful a-line cut thanks to Jessey's talents. Next week I'll be ushering my 32nd year. The race against the clock has started in the mothering process. I will always wonder and worry about how to pay for daycare, how to feed and clothe my child, and most of all, how to love my child the way they need. But, you can plan something to the max and it'll still go wrong. So, it's time to take a leap of faith and just do it.

I'm also making more of a commitment to stay active. My bike is ready to go, I got a pair of rollerblades and I'm outside more- back to being the active person I was years ago.

Getting older doesn't mean getting slower. Dad is 74 and runs and bikes several miles a day. He wears out the grandkids. So, with that, Cecil and I are committed to a more active lifestyle.

Tiger Parents

2015-07-27T14:29:00.002-07:00

I was browsing on Facebook when I came across an article tragedy-of-golden-daughters-murder-plot-against-parents-resonates-with-asian-immigrant-children

Sounds crazy, right? Well, this is how many of my friends were raised. Thinking back to my childhood, my parents pushed us to succeed, but I never really felt much pressure until about high school. I managed to get myself into a good private high school where the children of my mom's contemporaries were attending. This gave my mother leverage and hopes that I would succeed like their children.

The thing was, my high school not only had strong academics, but emphasized a sense of self and developing your own passion. My parents never pushed me or dictated what I needed to be when I grew up, but there were expectations that I was to grow up to be a successful person with a good career. They wanted me to find my way and EXCEL no matter what it was. I played the piano, I learned how to swim, I had a million hobbies and pursuits- none of which were forced onto me by my parents. It wasn't until high school where my mother expected that I would attend a prestigious ivy league university, that I told her- I wasn't doing all this to follow her friends' children around. I was going to do things my way. Things got ugly at that point. I remember between sophomore year and senior year, there were plenty of tense arguments, my mother trying to exert control over me and not allow me to go anywhere. Then there was the constant reiteration that I MUST. GET. INTO. STANFORD. OR ELSE.

Eventually my mother stopped. She knew there was no way she would ever be able to control me. I went to junior college as planned, started my path as a newspaper reporter, and eventually graduated from San Francisco State University from their excellent BECA program. All in all, looking back, I think I turned out okay. I'm very appreciative now of all that they did back then.

This Weekend

2015-07-20T15:33:00.002-07:00

In just 48 hours I would go through a wide range of emotions. I'll just start from Saturday.

On Saturday I woke up and prepared to say my final farewell to Frank. I couldn't just get up and go- I had to have some sort of distraction beforehand. After a bit of retail therapy I made the journey up to Sacramento. The route was very familiar as I had traveled it many times to visit my old roommate. It stirred up many memories of our ultimately ill-fated friendship, but I had to put those aside to remember why I was there in the first place. When I got there, my eyes drifted to the large portraits of Frank, full of life, smiling his big smile. At that same token, I was also confronted with the vision of his casket at the very front. The service was quite beautiful. There were laughs, there were many tears, but what touched me most was Mr. Clary's words, how deep his love for his son was. After the final goodbyes were said, we were left empty and hungry. We rounded the corner in the oppressing heat and wandered into a heavily air-conditioned barbecue joint. The friendly staff made ordering easy and the food was SO delicious, it instantly lifted my spirits. Driving home, I reflected on the day and resolved to take care of the friends in my life and follow through with checking in from time to time.

Sunday started out pretty quiet and lazy. Grandma and I went out for a small jaunt in the oppressing heat, seeking refuge while marinating in the air conditioning the stores offered. We came home and got the news not long after that Cecil was officially a paramedic- all testing passed, all obstacles finished. After three long years, he was finally done. I think back to that moment when we first found out he was accepted into paramedic school as newlyweds. I also think about the hardships he faced, how he almost wanted to give up, but never did. Now, we're at the finish line and relish the moment. It's amazing when life plans come into fruition and rewards come after perseverance. To go from anguish to resignation, to acceptance and then utter happiness in two days- I am so blessed to be alive and living life.

Fleeting

2015-07-07T11:28:00.003-07:00

Life is fragile. The last two months have showed me that people can come and go at any time, whether they move away or meet their untimely demise.

Last night I found out that one of my friends from college suddenly passed. Normally I process death in a way that allows me to continue with my life to live it to the fullest, but Frank's abrupt death stopped me in my tracks.

I met Frank at SF State in one of our media classes. He was one cocky sonofabitch, but I soon realized he really had every right to be. He was extremely talented and good at what he did. While we were all busy trying to earn a degree to GET a good job in media one day, he was already working at Skywalker Ranch. Frank turned out to be friendly, full of charisma, and sophisticated. One of the last times I saw Frank was about 7 years ago when we met up for sushi at College Avenue. He spoke fluent Japanese to the sushi chef and opened my world and changed the way I ate sushi. We had promised to keep in touch, to meet up and try other places, but life took us in different directions. Nevertheless I kept up with Frank's accomplishments through Facebook. Unfortunately, that's also where I learned of his untimely death.

Frank's death really hit me hard because here was a person who lived his life to his fullest potential and just like that, it's snuffed out. I watched him accomplish so much from afar, it's just surreal that his life is done at age 36. My little sis from college summed Frank up best:

"Frank was the most driven and fierce person I knew. Always pushed everyone around him to be better. It's hard to believe he's gone. I think a part of me is still hoping the coroner ID'd the wrong guy and that this is a huge mistake."

"We knew the Frank who hadn't made it yet. And was hungry with potential. I admired that about him. Guess I always imagined him as invincible. Always living on the edge..."

My biggest message to all the people in my life is: live your life every day with meaning and purpose. Get to where you need to go. Do whatever it takes to ensure that you end each day knowing you did everything you could in case it was your last. We are not put on this earth to sit around, look for a handout, or feel sorry for ourselves and fight over petty things. We use what gifts we have and be all we can be.

Rest in peace, Frank. You are missed. #livelikefrank

Photo credit: William Files.

Birthdays

2015-06-30T16:44:00.001-07:00

June is an important month because there are three birthdays. Cecil and his younger brother Joseph share the 26th and my goddaughter Alli Jo is on the 29th.

Cecil turned the big 3-0 while Joseph turned 16. Two men at pivotal ages, worlds apart yet connected by this single date. Joe is a polite and good young man. Watching him grow from a bratty handful at age 6 until now, so much has changed and I see a lot of hope in his future for him. He reminds me of when my sister met Dave. I was only ten. Dave truly watched me grow up and helped shape my life at crucial periods. I hope Cecil and I can mold and influence Joseph to be independent, driven, hard working, and resolve to make a good life for himself while remaining sunny and affable as he always is.

Cecil's 20s are officially over. With that said we are hoping to usher in new chapters in our lives. We've crossed off marriage, home ownership, and hope to add Paramedic and parents to our resume. George is ambivalent to these changes as long as he gets his requisite 5 minute belly rubs every morning.

Alli turned 2 yesterday and it fills me with nostalgia to think back to the time she was born. The weather was just as sweltering hot now as it was then. She's growing up so fast, and it's a joy to see her become a smart, sassy yet sweet little girl. I'm grateful that I have been there since day one to witness this amazing and rapid growth. I see how joyous it is for parents to watch their kids grow. I hope I am able to understand the sheer joy and reward parenthood brings firsthand.

Parade Parade Parade!

2015-06-20T10:11:00.001-07:00

The Warriors parade rolled into town yesterday. All this time I cantankerously stated I would never go. It's too crowded, it's too crazy, and I hate it all.

Well, my boss convinced me to go and we wound up having the time of our lives. Got some photos that capture this once in a lifetime experience.

Crafty

2015-06-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Now that much of the home improvement is done, I'm back to crocheting. I decided to do yet ANOTHER blanket, albeit much smaller and more manageable. I wanted to do a blanket in a diamond pattern but I did NOT want the hassle of having to join a million diamonds together. I went online and found a tapestry crochet technique that allowed color changes within a pattern- which meant I didn't have to do any joining.

Leap

2015-06-04T10:30:00.001-07:00

Alexa graduates from 5th grade today. Time truly waits for no one, but today, before she hurls into young adulthood towards a bright future, I'm taking a step back- freezing and reminiscing about all those years and memories since day one.

I remember the red, cone-headed baby I held in my arms. I felt nothing but absolute euphoria at that moment. She was safely here, healthy, and ready to take on the world.

I remember the first graduations- pre-school and kindergarten. How tiny she was, how raring to go she was. So much has changed since those little graduations, it amazes me but then again it doesn't. Even though I have no expectations of her except to do her best and to be happy, she continues to shine on her own accord with leaps and bounds. Her independence and fierce drive amazes me. I see bits of her in myself, but as a whole, she is a truly wonderful being.

I think about the person she has become, and I think about what she will be. This is where all the adult figures in her life make a huge difference. We have the power to influence her in the right direction and encourage her to make the right decisions for herself- nobody else. As I think about starting my own family, I think about her and what a wonderful child she has become. And I only hope that the child or children I am blessed with one day will mirror her temperament, her drive, and her awesomeness.

Today, I savor this moment as I watch her walk across that stage and graduate from elementary school. I savor and cherish the funny, bubbly, and joyous 11-year-old that she is in this present moment. Everything else will come as it may.

Cinco.

2015-06-01T15:29:00.001-07:00

Today George is five. He is older than Cecil and I.

When we adopted him, we were told that he plays, he barks, and he is a goofy dog. Only the last statement is true.

It took him a year to learn how to play. Most of it involved his dog friends leading by example. Even when he does get excited enough to play, it only lasts a short while. When he's over it, he's OVER IT.

He only barks when I rile him up and when he is "guarding" the front door. He only started doing this when we moved to the house. Before then, he was virtually mute.

We also read in his reports that he was shy and was not a good, adoptable dog. Hence he was destined for death row before 4 Paws Rescue swooped him up and saved his life. George is the most friendliest, gentlest and obedient dog. He plays well with other dogs and is kind to other animals, he is patient and kind with babies and toddlers even when they are not kind to him, and he is definitely a good people dog as long as you have a lap. He sleeps ALL day and often reeks of corn chips and bad breath. He is a good seat stealer and insists on getting in between me and Dad ALL the time. Any fluffy blanket or pillow is his property.

Five years later, we still love him just as much as we did when we took him home, if not more. We were so lucky to get him as our first dog, just as we were so lucky to have this first home. This is where George decided he can be a real dog: sleeping and lying on the ground bathing in the sun, barking at the doorbell and guarding the house, and riding in the car with the windows down, ear flapping gloriously in the wind.

Happy fifth birthday, George. We hope you love your life as much as we wish for it to be ours.

Halfway through the year

2015-05-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

This year is almost half over. It blows my mind how fast time goes by, although some days, it drags on and on. We still have so much to accomplish, and have a lot to look forward to next year. I'm glad to say that we can finally enjoy our house and a lot of home improvement has slowed down.

Back to Reality

2015-05-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

Our Reno trip is over way too soon. While we didn't strike it rich, we had a lot of fun spending time with friends.

Dropping George off at the Kennel. I was stuck in some slight traffic on the country road. Lol.

Penny's sexy leg under the tour bus.

Watched Avengers at the movies. Hard to concentrate after stuffing my face at the buffet...

Man and his gigantic Irish Settler. Mini horse, really.

Penny's art. Naughty orange juice.

A fine day for some Reno Aces baseball. They won 11-1 and we had a great time despite the horribly annoying crackhead chick with the grating voice.

The teaser, the pleaser and the homewrecker. Oh what fun.

Reno by day, Reno by night.

Bringing George home was somewhat traumatizing. He looked like he did not have a good time while we were away. Well, obviously he is milking it...

Entitlement and Helplessness: A Pre-Parenting Rant.

2015-05-13T10:50:00.004-07:00

So. The closer I get to thinking about starting a family, the more hyper-aware I am of the tiny details regarding parenting.

I met up with a good friend on Monday and we were chatting about children. She's the mother of an exceptional five year old. I came to the conclusion, that the problem with child-rearing these days is, because we are in a me-me-me and go-go-go world, we are forsaking teaching our children lifetime lessons for the sake of our own selfish convenience.

In the two minutes you took to tie your child's shoe for him, you saved yourself 8 minutes. We as a society fail to see the bigger picture. By saving yourself those 8 minutes, your child now sees that if they are too slow, you'll step in and do it for them. Therefore, they don't have to do anything for themselves. What this translates to, in the long run, is an adult who has no idea how to handle life because they were never given the opportunity to do anything for themselves. So we now have a generation of adults who throw tantrums, and are often unmotivated in life.

What's the solution then? Honestly, it's patience. This is something I fear I will struggle with because both Cecil and I work full time. I worry that I won't have enough time to spend with our child. Consequently, I fear our child will grow up the way I did- lonely because both my parents were too busy working. But a mother friend of mine told me, it's not the quantity of time you spend with your child- it's the quality. You can be home all day with them and not do a damn thing.

So? Let your child make a mess. Teach children to try everything for themselves and only ask for help when they are completely stuck. We have to go back to the way things were before the electronics, before the self-centered nature of society took over. We make sacrifices to allow our children to have what they need- not to give them EVERYTHING so they don't work for anything.

This Year of Mother

2015-05-10T00:49:00.001-07:00

This year on Mother's Day, I picked out a card at the store in less than 5 minutes. Simple with a succinct yet meaningful sentiment but without the cheesiness and fuss. Spent the day before Mother's Day with her, and hung out at her house with my sister for little while. A nice family day.

This is how our relationship has evolved to: simple yet meaningful. I talk to her on days I'm stuck in bad traffic on my commute home, and I wind up with the phone glued to my ear for about 1 hour, 45 minutes. Dog knows to do his business and not interrupt me when his Grandma is on the phone. Many people know how much I hate talking on the phone, but for some reason one conversation leads to another tangent and so on. It's almost like we're trying to catch up on all the years I should have been sharing news and my thoughts with her- those painful years that led to awkward silence, avoidance, and abandonment. The oceans separating us have now dissipated into a small crossable stream. Don't get me wrong- the problems we had are still on my mind, but I am willing to file them away and start fresh and just focus on the relationship we can have now.

I look back on my posts on Mother's Day in the past and remember how much angst and pain riddled every word. The transformation into where we are today is absolutely amazing and is such a huge gift. Not only do we have a relationship, but she has accepted my husband. It's nice to have a mother to share ideas with, to confide in, and just to chat with. After all, she knew me first on this Earth.

Crazy May

2015-05-05T15:46:00.002-07:00

Happenings as of late:

Anthony and Xochitl turned 8.

Sharon and Mark wed.

Watched the lame ass Pacquiao vs. Mayweather fight.

Enjoying new couch. Old couch is potentially going to a great new home.

Mother's day coming up. Gonna definitely blog about that one.

Jessey and Joey to wed.

Reno trip.