Burger of the Month

From the grill

2008-11-18T08:40:00.000-08:00

Here's a commercial I filmed this summer, and just received last week. Not only does it feature the Burger prominently, but the product is... well... perfect.

Enjoy!

Or, Click for .wmv download

Let me talk you into something.

2008-10-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

An update, as promised:

The meeting was a success! While I haven't signed any contracts (I get the feeling they don't really work that way anyway), I can say that I'm represented by DPN for voiceover work. What this really means is that I'll be called in (hopefully) 2 or 3 times a week to audition for any number of commercial radio and TV spots. And this is good. They get the good ones. Which means I'll get the good ones. At some point, I'll be out there convincing you to buy something you didn't know you needed. And you won't even know it's me. And I'll be like, "Suckah!" And you'll be all, "No way!" Yup. Totally.

So no. I wasn't getting Punk'd.

Thanks again to all y'all. I really love and appreciate all of you! Everyone should be as fortunate as I am to have the support that I do.

Also, enjoy my two favorite recent onion articles:

Womo

iPhone

No Representation Without Demonstration

2008-10-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Where have I been? Where have you been?! Where any of us has been is irrelevant. Where am I going? Ah, now that's a good question.

I am going to a meeting.

I'll explain:

I recently finished my (long-in-coming) voiceover demo, and sent it off to a dozen of the most reputable voiceover agencies in LA. That was on October 8.

I've been working on this thing for a long time. It's gone through a lot of changes, but at its core, it's either real work I've done, or stuff I read out of magazines one late night in New York about 4 years ago (thanks, Pete!!). So being "finished" feels pretty weird. It's not like I've written a dissertation or anything, but it has been occupying that "I should really work on..." slot in my brain since I moved out here nearly 3 years ago. So just being able to say that I'm done is a relief.

I did a similar mailing in New York 4 years ago, with nearly the same demo, and heard nothing back from anyone. So my expectations for this mailing have been... well, let's just say I didn't really have any. The first thing you learn in this business is to do the damn audition (make the damn demo), give it to your guardian angel, and go about your business (do yoga, see your trainer, grab a latte, work on your tan, whatever). So yes, I was surprised to get a call two weeks later from one of the most reputable—ok, maybe the most reputable voiceover agency in Hollywood—asking for a meeting.

So as most of you are on your way home from work tomorrow (Monday), I'll be headed in to Beverly Hills to see the nice folks at DPN. Now, listen!! This doesn't necessarily mean anything. They could hip-pocket me for a while. They may just want to put me on some back burner until they have an opening. Maybe they're having a guess-the-VO-guy's-weight contest in the office and I'm headed for the scales. Maybe I'm being Punk'd.

Yeah, I don't think so, either, but I feel a little superstitious writing about it like this before I get there. Regardless of how things go, the fact that it got their attention at all is a huge validation; particularly given that I self-produced the demo (with lots of help; love you guys), which is kind of a theoretical no-no.

So I'll be back with an update.

Also: Thanks for your patience burger readers. I've missed you. :-)

In a world...

2008-09-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

Going to the movies will never be the same.

Mr. ForeBurger, Has the Jury Reached a Verdict?

2008-07-12T02:11:00.000-07:00

My lawyer friends will be proud (and mystified?) that I was called in for jury duty on Wednesday and that I actually showed up! (Lawyer friends... that's... basically all of you, right? My gut is that if you're reading this, you're either a lawyer or a social worker of some kind.)

This, however, is not an essay on the various intricacies of my day in court, but rather to report on a true first. One that everyone will appreciate, but only a tightly networked group of East Coast readers will appreciate fully.

The 7:30 am start time (the middle of the night for the Burger) necessitated a rare morning coffee. And brilliantly, there is a Starbucks on the grounds of the Mosk courthouse. Smart. I ordered my latte (did I say coffee?), and gave my name. And here's how it was spelled on the cup:

Now, listen: I don't know much, but I know that this barista has NOT studied ancient Gaelic name roots. How did she get it right??? I didn't specify the spelling of my name. Maybe she recognized me from one of my commercials? She's a fan? Relatively unlikely. I think it was just a happy accident. I was so stunned, I couldn't even explain to her what she had done! (It also would have held up the line of already late and grumpy jurors. You think regular pre-coffee commuters are grumpy? This crowd made your local Starbucksians look like a bunch of Flanders'.)

So, thank you, yes, your honor, we have reached a verdict: On one count of Having a Thing Happen to You That Will Never Happen To Fibby, we find the Burger: GUILTY!

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

2008-06-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

I always loved this one. See ya next time around, George.

"Anything is Possible!"

2008-06-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

That's our opinion. We welcome yours.

2008-06-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

At the Blogiverse this morning, Petro lamented the excitment over the new iPhone 3G, and its ho-hum new set of features.

Editorial Response:

I would like to point out to my friend, EIC of the Blogiverse, that this is what Apple does best; Introduce a groudbreaking product that *just* lacks a couple of features that would seem like obvious additions. Then they add those features a year later.

Actually the thing they do best is set their price points at perfect intervals ("I can get one with a bigger hard drive and a faster processor for only $300 more! Ooh! and for only $300 more I can get the bigger screen!!" There. I just spent $600 more dollars. Is that a fist up my ass??) So the delayed feature release is their second great corporate talent.

I agree with my colleague that the new hardware isn't necessary for true happiness, and I agree that the software release is the really big deal, and I hadn't thought of the wobbly desktop factor, so thanks for the heads-up on that. Here's why I am buying the new iPhone in July:

I can't hear my current iPhone ringing unless it's next to my head on a very quiet morning (And who the F*** is calling me on a very quiet morning?!?!). Even with my own custom engineered ringtones, specifically EQ'd and compressed for iPhone usage, I could leave my ringer on in Church without getting in trouble. I also drive with my top down and my music loud, which means I miss every phone call I get while I'm driving. And I live in LA. Driving. LA. Do the math. Even with my extremely efficient headphones, I can't hear music while I'm on a plane.

Supposebly [sic], the new model "dramatically improves audio." That's for me.

I also never invested in GPS out here, mostly because I knew there'd be a new iPhone coming. AND when I need to check sports scores in the middle of a busy night at the restaurant, 3G will mean the difference between my usual 12% tips and the hoped-for 20% tips. The speed with which I can load a web page on 3G will also nullify the higher battery usage, because I won't have spent 14 minutes of battery life watching the progress bar.

Apple's also going to get more of my 12% for MobileMe, which adds functionality I've felt should be built in to this software from the get-go.

I've already heard a lot of whining about this upgrade (no videoconferencing, not enough memory, no 802.11n), and it mostly amounts to: "Why can't it do my dishes? I NEED A PHONE THAT DOES DISHES!" Apple has successfully raised our expectations that high.

And no, Petro, you're not a traitor. I know you're not really bitching and moaning. You're just not blown away. Me either. But that's not going to stop me from spending more hard-earned truffle money.

I'll quote John Selden, though I don't know who he is, "'Tis not seasonable to call a man a traitor that has an army at his heels.” (Philosophiburger!)

PS- Title credit goes to Fred Nutter.

GrandBurger

2008-05-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

The Burger has been on a blogging hiatus of late, mostly for the usual reasons. I can't return, however, without mentioning the passing of my grandfather, Ben, on April 9.

I had the honor of singing at his funeral, and there's not much I could say here that would add to the things I was attempting to express there, and I certainly couldn't give any better eulogy than those given by my father and uncles, and cousins, and mother.

So instead of attempting anything "important," I'll just list a couple of my favorite Grampy "things."

• He had a three-syllable sneeze: Ah-jshyeh-hoo. Often, the "hoo" would get extended for a few seconds. It's the same tone he'd use when playing a really exciting hand in cards: a kind of long, falling declaration: shooooooooooo!

• He never judged a soul. The ugliest, meanest person would merit merely a wry smile, a tilt of the hand and the description, "a little rough."

• When he sliced smoked salmon (or anything, for that matter), he used the "one-for-me, one-for-you" accounting method. He also held his pinky out when holding the knife handle. I picked up that little habit.

• He and his friends all had really cool names. He was Benjamin Alfiero on his driver's license, though he found his original birth certificate ages ago, where we discovered that his name was officially Benedetto Alfieri. His friends: Frankie Romano, Joey and Cutesy ("küt-sey", not "kyoot-sey") Renna, Freddie Frederico (yes.), Joey Three-Fingers (that's right.), Jimmy Two-Door (I once asked him why, and he said, "He had a car. It had two doors."), Susty Patillo (sp?), and The Weasel. That's what I'm talkin' about.

• He rarely, if ever, drank during my lifetime (he was in the Navy at 17, though, so...), but for a two-week jaunt through Italy, he faithfully carried a bottle of Kalhua and a bottle of Sambuca, just in case someone wanted some.

• He was extraordinarily careful not to swear in front of women. When there were no women present, however, he could swear like Chuck Norris can kick ass.

• All he ever wanted for Christmas was his family around him. I picked that one up, too. (Except I still want a Ferrari and a Jet-Ski).

Hardly an exhaustive list, but these are the things that leap to mind today.

I also need to say that all of the friends of the Burger have been and continue to be incredibly supportive. I know that to many of my friends, he wasn't just the Burger's grandfather, he was a character in his own right, which I feel is unique.

Come to LA! (or: "Remind me why I left New York again?")

2008-03-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

This explains so much.

Living Life Undead: Episode 5

2008-03-14T16:27:00.000-07:00

So, it seems that we apparently exceeded the funny limit on Superdeluxe with our latest episode, so we were forced to find a new home. We have now published the entire season of Living Life Undead to FunnyOrDie.com and YouTube.com (full links below). Go check out our Season finale -- and catch up on any episodes you may have missed -- on either site. And please, if you're a member of either site, vote/rate the show (positively).

In the Season Finale:
Dennis and Cynthia share with the group while a strager shakes things up.

Check it out online now at FunnyOrDie AND YouTube. Or... below.

And don't forget to catch up with ALL of the episodes of "Living Life Undead" while you're there.

Living Life Undead... because vampires are people, too.

a-smack'em yack'em.

2008-03-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

Inspired by GirlTuesday's most recent post:

I do look obnoxious

2008-03-02T15:58:00.000-08:00

My appearance is around the :50 mark. Directed by Stephen Furst of Animal House! Enjoy!

Living Life Undead: Episode 4

2008-02-29T02:22:00.001-08:00

Poll #5: Your favorite movie of the year?

2008-02-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

No Country for Old Men 4 (29%)
The Simpsons' Movie 3 (21%)
There Will Be Blood 3 (21%)
Juno 1 (7%)
Michael Clayton 1 (7%)

Other responses:
"The video I shot of Felix drooling - it's the only movie I've seen all the way through."
"I haven't seen a single new movie on this list."

Total responses: 14

Living Life Undead: Episode 3

2008-02-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

Living Life Undead: Episode 2

2008-02-15T02:32:00.000-08:00

Living Life Undead: Episode 1

2008-02-11T01:09:00.000-08:00

Living Life Undead: The Trailer

2008-02-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

Here's the trailer for the newest thing-in-which-I-co-star. I'll post each episode as it "airs."
-----------------------------------------

End of the Web Media proudly presents Living Life Undead, a new webseries of comedy shorts about a support group…for vampires.

Premiering on Friday, February 8th -- with new episodes rising from the dead each Friday thereafter – tune in for a glimpse into the minds of immortals, and what really gets under their skin – hosted exclusively on TBS' Superdeluxe.com.

Just because they're vampires doesn't mean they don't have issues.

Meet the cast.

My life rocks.

2008-02-03T19:38:00.000-08:00

Here's the breakdown, with a double Jameson's on the rocks in front of me, Thanks to Gravity on the stereo (a bit loud, too):

Last week I booked and performed a really fun voice-over gig, playing a Commander for a Power Rangers toy ("You're now part of an elite Power Rangers squad called, The Order of the Claw"). I've done tons of voice acting over the past years, but this is truly the first job I've had in LA where I auditioned against other actors and got cast (contrasted with the usual variations on nepotism). A major triumph! The Casting Director continues to call me in for other auditions, and the gig could be on-going for a while, as it's an episodic piece.

Tomorrow or the next day, I'll be posting a link to the trailer for the web series I was part of this summer called Living Life Undead. It's a doc-style episodic about a support group for vampires. I play Victor, a veteran vampire attending the group to appease his as-yet-still-mortal girlfriend. It's a really well written set of bits, and I'm psyched for people to see it. Look for that here.

A couple of days ago I was asked to play an obnoxious insurance salesman in a short film for Kidney disease awareness, directed by Stephen Furst (Animal House). I sent Stephen my headshots, and he replied, "You sure do look obnoxious." That films in a couple weeks.

Also, the director of the infamous "What will I inherit?" commercial wants me for another one, filming sometime this week. I can't wait to see what ridiculous line I have to deadpan this time. He's also considering me for a voice-over thing.

I live in a poolhouse, drive a convertible, make plenty of money. I have a great friend who doubles as my personal trainer and never asks for a thing. My family continues to delight and surprise me in all sorts of ways; big and small. I hang out with movie stars and rock stars. All of my friends support me 100% and make me laugh.

So my favorite sports team lost a tough game on a big stage. And, yeah. I'm bummed. So what? They'll be back. Pitchers and catchers report in 12 days, the Celtics are 36-8 (36-8!!!!), and I have an audition tomorrow. A little perspective seems in order, no?

Hey Mercury, we're on your block.

2008-01-20T15:43:00.000-08:00

My goal is to be the kind of person Bailey thought I was.

2008-01-16T00:30:00.000-08:00

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really.

Agnes Sligh Turnbull

Best thing I've ever seen.

2007-12-30T01:34:00.000-08:00

Mars Attacks!

2007-12-21T15:25:00.000-08:00

Here it is, folks. After a couple of weeks of excavation and construction, my home is full of dust and rubble, but the pool deck looks wonderful! It's got sort of a desert-floor kind of feel. Just in time for Christmas.

I head home to Maine tomorrow. I'm praying that you Facebookers out there will see status updates that use phrases like, "no delays," or "ahead of schedule," or "free upgrade." Given how much I paid for the ticket, American had better line up a nice Porterhouse-and-Cabernet meal. Or a "let us pay your rent this month" package.

In any case, I'm grateful to be headed to the cold and the snow for a White Christmas among the Burger faithful.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Poll 4 results: What time do you typically get up in the morning?

2007-12-20T12:51:00.000-08:00

I *do* eat breakfast. (8 AM to 10 AM)

10 votes (42%)

I might make it to lunch. (10 AM to noon)

6 votes (25%)

I'm a banker. (7 AM to 8 AM)

3 votes (13%)

Schoolteacher Hours (6 AM to 7 AM)

2 votes (8%)

Unthinkably Early (5 AM to 6 AM)

1 vote (4%)

MC Newborn in the Heezee! (It's a crapshoot. I'm up all through the night.)

1 vote (4%)

I'm a Stand-up Comic. (After noon)

1 vote (4%)

Ritz-Carlton Breakfast Shift (Before 5 AM)

0 votes (0%)

total responses: 24