burn box

luis vuitton

2011-04-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

Credits to: Ms. Susan Scafidi
www.counterfeitchic.com

I saw this graphic design from the internet while I was browsing from different t-shirt designs to get an inspiration because I am planning to put up my own. It was tagged simple living and it suddenly occurred to me, is there anyone else in the world that truly lives by those words "SIMPLE LIVING".

Well, I don't want to be a hypocrite because my lifestyle isn't really simple. I have quite a lot of things I want to have for myself and of course my family. And nowadays, in the manifestation of technology and the innovation of different gadgets here and there, is there really anyone who lives a simple life?

The sarcasm the picture shows really heaves a different kind of feeling, just looking at it makes me a feel quite guilty. The face of the nude African little boy sends out all the messages it wants to come across. And then I thought how could I ever complain from all the certainties of my life when this boy has much bigger problems than me? I have a family whom I love and I know who loves me back while I don’t know if this little one ever has someone who takes good care of him. How could I ever complain about food when this bony little boy doesn't even have anything to munch? I have a husband who works abroad to provide us everything my son and I would need while this boy might not even have parents to give him all that his necessities. How could I ever crumble from such little things when there are much bigger difficulties in the world?

It would really be nice to go back to basics but life now is too much complicated than before. But still I don't think it would do us any harm if we try to make life a little simpler. Just by simply thinking twice when we want to buy something would really help a lot. We should think very hard first and asses ourselves if it really is essential to us, if we really need it or we just want it for show that instead of buying too much for ourselves let’s all try to reach out a helping hand to others. Instead of obtaining things that are not essential to us, give out our excess to others and make other lives much better and comfortable.

stick it into my pipe and smoked it!

2011-04-10T23:41:00.000-07:00

I guess when you’ve really learned to love yourself more than your significant other, things fall into place perfectly without you having to clasp it and place it to where it should be…

I used to have this sickness that I put others on top of my list before myself. I mean you cannot blame me because that was what I’ve learned in kindergarten. My teachers would always remind us to be selfless and to give more to others. I didn’t know that I was taking it the wrong way, that being selfless has limitations, that it doesn’t mean you would also give your self-respect away.

I grew up with this sickening lesson ringing in my head, until I fell in love, got burned twice, still believed, got tired, gave up, fell out of love, learned a lesson – stick it into my pipe and smoked it, loved myself and fell in love again.

Now I know what selflessness means ----------- loving yourself while giving your 101% to others.

I came across...

2011-04-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through the pages of my old journal, where I've written most of Niño's text messages when he was still courting me, then I came across this message he sent me:

"Ah ganun po ba kasi mrmi p taung mki2la2ng tao. Malay m0 ako pla ung future husband m0! Bsta mgtira k lng s srili m0!"

--- it's so funny because we're already on our way to our 2nd year of marital bliss...♥

Remorse about the past...

2011-03-28T02:07:00.000-07:00

May mga oras na pkiramdam ko ang pangit - pangit ko, na wala ng magseseryoso sakin, na lahat ng ng mga magagandang bagay na ginagawa ng mga tao sa paligid ko pakitang tao lang. Maaring totoo yung nararamdaman ko pero madalas sabi sakin ni Niño tamang hinala lang daw ako.
Ito yung isa sa mga bagay na madalas namin pagtalunan. Kung paano ako mag - isip, kung paano ko inaanalisa at binigayang kahulugan lahat ng mga kinikilos at sinasabi niya. Sabi niya sobrang paranoid daw ako, sabi ko naman sa sarili ko hindi ko lang talaga alam kung nagsasabi siya ng totoo (wag kayo maingay hindi niya alam to.. hehehe...). Siguro nga tamang hinala ako, siguro nga paranoid ako, siguro nga dapat magpatingin na ko sa doktor baka may malala na akong sakit na hindi ko alam. Ano sa tingin niyo? Hindi nga kaya sakit na 'to? Masyado na kasing madalas na ganito yung nagiging pakiramdam ko kaya lagi kami nagtatalo.

May dahilan lahat ng bagay. May dahilan kung bakit my puno, kung bakit may mga insekto, kung bakit may mga hayop, kung bakit may mga taong tulad ko na lagi na lang pakiramdam eh may maling nangyayari sa paligid niya. Sinubukan kong pag-isipan yung mga maaring dahilan kung bakit ako ganito. January 1984 ako pinanganak. Capricorn, yan ang zodiac sign ko. Anu - ano ba mga katangian ng isang Capricorn na katulad ko? Nagsaliksik ako, nag- internet ako, nag search ako sa google: "Characteristics of a Capricorn" at eto ang mga lumabas:

Ang mga Capricorn daw ay may katangian makapag-isip at maunawaan ang kapaligiran ng walang katulad, sila daw ay analitikal, hindi sila agad gumagawa ng aksyon ng hindi nila alam ang posibleng kalalabasan nito, hindi sila masalita pero mahilig makipag kaibigan at kapag naging kaibigan kanya kaibigan ka na niya habang buhay. Ang mga Capricorn din daw ay konserbatibo, praktikal at seryoso sa pakikipag relasyon, hindi mahilig makipag "fling" ( hehehhe... c".) ). Ang mga Capricorn din daw ay masisitema at organisado. Madali niyang nako - control ang kanyang nararamdaman pero maari rin silang maging ganid at makasarili kapag hinayaan ang pansariling kapakanan. Pag dating sa pera, ang mga Capricron daw ay hindi magastos pero hindi rin naman maiiwasan na magkaroon ng problema sa pera.
Sa dinamidami ng mga nabasa ko at nasaliksik may isang linya, na paulit - ulit kong binasa. Para kasi akong tinamaan, naisip ko na baka ito na yon! Baka ito na yung dahilan kung bakit ako ganito. "Great expectations from your ownself and life, fear of future and remorse about the past, sometimes leads to great depressions for you". Remorse about the past?! the past? kahapon? yesterday? ibig sabihin nakaraan ko?! Hmmmm... parang ibig sabihin yata non eh yung mga hinanakit ko sa mundo. Mga sama ng loob ko sa mga taong nakasakit sakin. Eh, that's so yesterday! Hanggang ngayon may kaugnayan parin sila sakin? Ibig sabihin ba nito Ako, ako yung prutas!, yung kinalabasan ng samu't saring pangayayari sa buhay ko?
Ngayon iniisip ko biktima ba ako ng mga taong nanakit sa akin? o biktima ba ako ng sarili kong mga pagkakamali? Hindi ko lubos na maisip. Ang sarap isisi sa ibang tao, ang sarap ibato sa kanila yung mga kamalian ko pero para saan? Para magkaroon ako ng dahilan? Kanino? Sa mga taong naapektuhan ko ngayon o sa sarili kong anino? Oo, may kinalaman sila sa kung anung klaseng tao ako ngayon pero higit sa lahat di ba dapat sarili ko ang sisihin ko, dahil hinayaan ko sila paandarin ang buhay ko, hinayaan ko silang saktan ako at higit sa lahat hinayaan ko yung nararamdaman ko na kainin yung buong pagkatao ko.
Hindi ko alam na kinakain napala ko ng sariling kong halimaw. Wala sa loob ko na naging ganito na pala ako. Hindi ko din alam na nakakasakit na ko ng tao hanggang sa kausapin ako ni Niño sa ugali ko. Minsan daw pakiramdam niya binabantayan ko siya. Minsan daw pakiramadam niya iniisip ko na may ginagawa siyang masama, pingatanggol ko sarili ko, sabi ko sa kaniya hindi, hindi, hindi kita binabantayan at hini kita pinag -iisipan ng masama pero sa loob ko parang natigilan ako, parang hindi tama yung mga sinasabi ko, parang pakiramdam ko nasisinungaling yung bibig ko, parang hindi yun yung sinsabi ng puso ko at sinasabi ng utak ko. Pagkatapos ng pag- uusap na yon nag- isip ako... pinakiramdaman ko yung sarili ko, inisip ko kung tama ba yung sinasabi ni Niño sakin. Binalikan ko lahat, parang naririnig ko pa sa likod ng utak ko yung mga sinabi niya sakin, parang may bumato sakin, parang tinamaan nanaman nanaman ako. Ibig sabihin tama siya, tama siya na binabantayan ko siya, tama siya na pinag-iisipan ko siya ng masama. Nalungkot ako sa riyalisayon, sa katotohanan na parang matagal ng nandiyan pero hindi ko nadama at hindi ko nakita. Nakasakit ako ng hindi ko namamalayan, nakasakit ako at nasakatan din ako.

Nakaharap ko na yung sarili kong anino, kasabay kong naglalakad sa dilim. Kinausap ko siya, tinanong ko kung masayado na bang malayo yung nararating ko, kung meron ba talaga kong mapupuntahan. Pinaalala niya sakin lahat. Lahat ng maganda at pangit na nangyari sa buhay ko. Pinaalala niya sa akin kung paano ko kinalimutan at isinawalang bahala yung mga magagandang bagay at kung paano ko binitbit at inalagaan yung mga bagay na nakasira sakin. Naisip ko kapag hindi ako kumilos, kapag hindi ako nag-isip, kapag ipnagpatuloy ko yung kamalian, maraming mawawala sakin.

Akala ko masaya na ko. Akala ko nakaligtas na ko sa kahapon, pero sa huli biktima parin pala ko ng ibang tao at higit sa lahat ng saril ko. Natakot ako, baka iwan nila ko, baka wala ng matira sakin, baka iwan niya ko. Tumambad sa harapan ko yung mga pwedeng mangyari. Hindi pa man nagaganap para na kong naghihinagpis. Ngayon nagsisikap ako, gusto kong ituwid lahat. kailangan ko paghirapan na ibalik yung ako, yung sarili ko bago pa ko tuluyang talikuran ng anino ko.

Chasing Fireflies...

2011-02-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

How far could this thing go?

I've been wanting so much more...

The sparkle you bring to illuminate my skies

Digital photo credits to: ShadowElement
http://shadowelement.deviantart.com

A soft yet sweet light brought by ten thousand fireflies

Your candy like gesture got me stuck in awe

Your stare sends a hundred speed of light tracing down my bones

You got me so weak by just a single touch

Your words are so magical, I just seem to hush

At night I dream about your face wearing that wicked smile

And I travel blissfully hearing such a sweet lullaby

In my sleep a thousand lightning bugs surrounds

And along with this nocturnal wind they take me to where you are

My heart has your face memorized

And my mind replays the crawling sound of your voice

I could stay asleep to make this fairytale live

And only wake when the kiss you blew has touch my lips

You're no longer your own but is mine to keep

Though at night I'm bound to cuddle only this angel we reaped

I will keep floating in dreams chasing fireflies until the very day

You, my kryptonite reach my hand to give me your warm embrace...

Burning Box

2011-02-22T00:34:00.000-08:00

I have stumbled down quite a few on the same ground for years. I even marked the exact spot so I’d be able to avoid the ditch the next time. I even considered taking a detour but didn’t really push through it because it scares the hell out of me. So cowardly, I run of the mill on the same direction. In my mind I knew that something isn’t right. But who would ever win the battle between, intellect and compassion? In my situation, of course the heart wins. I was like being magnetized to pass on the same street repetitively. Although I feel like I have this big stone stuck in my chest that needs to be taken out, there’s still something that keeps pulling me back. I don’t know what it is, or maybe I do it’s just that I am afraid to taste the bitter truth.

I bruised myself a countless times that it felt like pain is already part of my skin. I got too comfortable with it to the extent that I no longer recognize the difference between hurt and numbness. For me, the two almost feels exactly the same. I was okay with. I was a masochist. I was full of hatred but I didn’t care. I don’t give a damn to what they say. I have been burned so much; their words won’t make any difference. It won’t even sting a bit. I was cynical about almost everything. I don’t trust anyone not even myself. I hated the world as much as it hates me.

There were quite a lot of chances to get myself out of this burning box, but none of the triggers they pulled made me do so. I was a fool to stay and let that situation kill the love I had left for myself. I was crazy in thinking the world was just deceiving me, that it would never devote itself to make me happy. It was painful to see what I’ve become and what’s more painful is that I was the only one seeing it. I am in agony yet I still am burning with pride. I was so full of pretentions that no one ever noticed how lonely I was, no one has seen the real face I’m wearing.

Then one morning came after like a decade of being stubbornly stupid, as weird as it seems I decided to finally take a detour. I was craving so much for something I have not tasted for like a hundred years…FREEDOM. My whole being has fallen apart and I felt so exhausted that giving up is no longer an option but a directive I need to follow. I needed change and I needed it right away. My heart was like screaming at me and at the back of my head I can hear her say: “You feverish little clot of resentment! Why didn’t you act long before I died?!!! And now you want me swarming like I don’t have wires stitched in my skin!!!” I smiled a real smile. That was the first after a very, very long time and without a doubt I know this time I’m okay much better than before.

Fearlessly, I embraced changed (now that is a lie… I still am damn scared but not as much as before). I know I may still be weak but I won’t give in this time. I won’t tire myself waiting in line only to be neglected in the end. I won’t even waste a jiffy to hear such a lame alibi. If they’re true to their word and if I’m really loved then they’ll make time. I won’t move a single muscle to run after someone who doesn’t have much more balls than I got.

I think

2011-02-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

I think I’m starting to learn the song

The notes seem to have draft itself in my skin

The melody has stopped drowning me

Photo credits to: Vivien Yue
http://nearproximity.blogspot.com
http://www.flickr.com/people/35379721@N02

And the words no longer cut me

You were my addiction

A bad habit I find hard to break

You were like a drug and I am the victim

A temporary bliss that would slowly kill my breath

Your map was a perfect maze

And I was such a perfect prey

I have looked at the world the wrong way

Now I know I should've read the signs

I was so drawn to “you and me”

A phrase that can never be “we”

A misleading expression I took seriously

Words that doesn’t make sense to you but meant “life” to me

Messiah

2011-02-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

You've called me too many times

Enough for me to hear you

I was asking too much

Yet my heart was too deaf to listen to all the answers I'm seeking

What could you really be to a confused heart?

An imprisoned soul in a stranger's eyes

Searching for truth in the dark

Believing that I'll find happiness in pain

I defied all your callings

And all the chances to see the light

I asked for your guidance

Only to follow not you but my selfish pride

I am weak and faithless

I was all that a good daughter can't be

Yet you never leave

And instead chose to walk with me

Your words helped heal my bruised sanity

You've taken away all that's keeping me from liberty

You made me realize that there's joy in surrender

That there's peace in letting go

This painful play has finally come to an end

Now I can wear off the mask

No need to pretend I'm strong

I've come to accept I'm weak, but now I know I'm not alone

Wear your own shade

2011-02-17T23:47:00.000-08:00

Just how far will you go with that kind of attitude? I really wonder... I am sorry but er, you're just humiliating yourself in public.

It's okay to admire someone and to love what they do. It's okay to be inspired by them but not to the extent that you copy everything from them. You were born with a unique personality, you have God-given talents that you can show off, so why the hell be somebody else? Don't you want to be recognize for something you're truly good at? At the end of the day are you happy that people are admiring somebody that you imitate and not the real you? You might be blinded by your deep admiration for that someone that you tend to lose yourself.

ACCEPTANCE is the key my dear... Admit to yourself that you don't know everything. What you don't know won't hurt you and the things you know a little of doesn't mean it is everything. More importantly, wear your true colors, the shade you can call yours... Don't put it to waste. It's a God given gift. Mimicking someone else is like dishonoring His grace and aside from that it's pretty annoying that you try to be someone else but then you end up looking like a desperate "wanna-be". If you want to imitate someone, make sure that it's beyond best or better yet don't copy them at all. You'll avoid offending God and you even save yourself from humiliation.

There is nothing wrong with being the greatest fan as long as you know your limitations. Ask yourself if it's really what you want because you don't know, you might just be overwhelmed by your strong emotions for that person. Think it over, because one day you'll wake up and realize that you are loving a monster and before you know it, you've become just like her.

So, stop this foolishness as early as now and just learn to love and accept the real you... You'll be happier than you thought and you'll earn so much respect from the people that surrounds you.

The Gap (a short film)

2011-02-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

Credits to: Friggin Looney
http://www.youtube.com/user/158563247588

"F*CKNG POSER"

2010-12-03T05:24:00.000-08:00

You don't "like" something just because others like it, or because you think it's cool, or because someone you're dying to be with has his heart in it and his life
dedicated to it, or because you want to be in the "in crowd".

You don't just "like" something out of the blue. And just because you know a thing or two about it, doesn't mean that you are living that lifestyle and more to that
is...claiming that it is your so called "identity" which by the way happened just five (5) minutes ago after hearing a story about it. Are you fucking kidding me?!! That's rubbish! You can't even decipher what you heard because you don't really know anything about it.

You have to understand that you don't force yourself into it. It's a calling for Christ sake!!! It's something you can't avoid no matter what,when,where or how you run from it., it's a resounding voice at the back of your head., it's a peaceful place in your noisy life., it's the cure to your bleeding heart., it's the lullaby that kisses you to sleep in every restless night... and not because you'll be them once you know a single song and more importantly not because your stupid brain tells you that people will look up to you once you dress, act or speak like them.
But at some point you're right... they probably will look at you... but not because you look like a "Rock Star" but because you look like another fucking "POSER!!!"

Come on! Let's cheers to your humiliating success... \m/ :p

little wings

2010-08-28T07:43:00.001-07:00

There are things in life that are beyond our control, things that could really hurt us. Things that we don’t like and things that we never ask to happen but are happening. Things that we might hate but could really change us big time. Just a year ago, September of 2009, my cousin RJ (short for Reynald Jeremy), as we call him was diagnosed of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It is a form of leukemia or cancer of the white blood cells characterized by excess lymphoblasts or immature white blood cells. This is caused due to the continuous multiplication of lymphoblasts crowding our normal cells in the bone marrow and spreading it to other organs. It is common in kids aging between 2-5 years old. And the overall cure rate for children is about 80% as it was discussed to my uncle Wilbert and her wife, Reychell by the doctors.
Before that even happen RJ was no longer walking. He sprained his ankle while playing with Tito Jim (our grandfather, he is the cousin of my mom’s step-father Papa Vicente), as he preferred to be called. Weeks after that incident he was complaining about so many things, that he is feeling dizzy and that his knees and bones are hurting. His parents never took him seriously because knowing RJ, he likes joking around. We never saw it coming; we never read the signs in fact we didn’t even know that those were the signs, because RJ is a very bubbly kid. He is so adorable that anyone who sees him wants to kiss and cuddle him. And at such a young age he knows how to make us smile, he knows how to care but still he is so stubborn at times. When he wants something he wants to have it right away and he would do anything to have it. He would cry non-stop until you finally give in and give him what he wants. He is also very fond of himself, he likes seeing his face in pictures, he likes to pose all the time that my digital camera and my camera phone are full of his photos.

Months had passed but still there were no improvements, we were not seeing any signs of healing and RJ seemed to be quite different. He is so pale. He no longer plays, he stopped joking around and most of the time he is just lying in bed and watching cartoons. But my mom was so worried and I can’t blame her because as a mother that she is it is only right that she was alarmed by this unexplainable occurrences. She has been telling them to have RJ examined but it seems that they are still not taking anything seriously even though RJ never stops complaining about what he feels in his body. I don’t know what hinders them to do it but I guess money might be one of the reasons.
My mom didn’t stop; she kept on insisting to have the kid checked up and even gave them money for them not to have anymore reasons not to do it. So, they brought RJ to the nearest medical center and the doctor who checked him up probably saw some inconsistency in the test results because they were endorsed to another doctor who specializes on blood illnesses. They were mandated to go to Philippine Children’s Medical Center (PCMC) to do further examination on RJ’s case. The doctors in PCMC told them that the initial test does show some irregularity in his white blood cells and is illustrating some signs of leukemia, and there is still no confirmation until the laboratory examinations are done. We and the doctors were hoping that it’s not that complex.
It was an immense fright for us because up to the day we found out the medical results we were praying and hoping it's just a simple case of anemia. We were stunned. I was stunned that I couldn’t cry. I don’t know why but it seems like tears couldn’t find its way out of my eyes or maybe I was trying so hard to deny the fact that it's actually happening. There were a lot of things going inside of my head, things that I don't understand.
I was not questioning God, who am I to do that? I am nothing compared to Him. I know he has his own reason why he let this happen, but in someway I can't help but wonder why it happened to an innocent kid, when he still has a great future that awaits him, when he still can go out and play with other kids, when he still can be a good son, when he still can choose what he wants to be when he grows up, when he still can dance in the rain, when he can still be stubborn as he is. Why him of all people? Why not those who have sinned? Why not those who have murdered hundreds of people? Why not those heartless individuals?I was seeking for answers that would somehow satisfy me but to my dismay those answers never came. I know I could still go on and on but no exact words could ever describe what I truly feel.
He was confined in the hospital for a long time. He had to be cured that’s what all we know. And I couldn’t imagine how his young body would take the harshness of chemotherapy and other medical procedures that he needs to go through. In those days of his stay in the hospital I only see him through the pictures that his father would take. There was never a time that I visited him. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t take it, it crushes my heart. It feels so devastating to see him in that situation. Just seeing him in pictures brings tears to my eyes, what more if I was there to witness all of it.

He spent Christmas and New Year’s Eve in the hospital and finally he was allowed to go home on New Year’s Day because his vital signs were stable. My heart jumped when I heard all about it. I was filled with so much hope and my heart was bursting with gladness. In a few weeks time, we were seeing some improvements. He was still thin but he is now jolly like before. He has loads of stories to tell, lots of jokes to crack and I can not contain the happiness that I was feeling right that very moment. More and more progress is happening as months passed until another terrifying incident happened. His grandmother came rushing to the house saying that something happened to RJ after she gave him the medicine that my bought. My mom was speculating because she didn’t give RJ any high dosage drug, but those were just vitamins. Then later on we found out that it was because of the medicated drug that she gave to RJ, we don’t know if he was overdosed or what. I can never forget how RJ looked like taht day. He was drooling like a mentally challenged kid, his hands were clenched, he was chilling and his body seemed to be frozen. He is no longer talking; it seemed as if he has gone out of his mind. I run beside him and tried to talk to him but he is not responding. I was scared to death at the sight of him; I burst into tears, I was crying like hell. It felt as though anytime God will take him away from us. But it was still such a relief that, that day my parents decided not to go to work because if it was the other way around, we wouldn’t know what to do. My dad rushed him to the nearest hospital and there he was given first aid. My mom then phoned my uncle to tell them what happened and asked them to go straight to the hospital.
We were all relieved when finally RJ was far from danger. My mom said at first RJ seemed to have lost his memory. He was hysterical, he kept calling his Papa when his father was just right beside him, and he even bit his father’s hand. Afterwards, he calmed down and he seems to be back to normal. They kept asking him if he remembers anything and finally he was able to recognize them.

They went back to PCMC to have RJ checked up and for us to find out what really happened. The doctors said it was a post side effect of the medicated drug that was given to him. Everything went back to normal after making sure that RJ is okay. He was still undergoing chemotherapy. His body is starting to go back to normal. He was already gaining some weight and was starting to walk normal again. We were all so happy. No one could ever deny the joy that overflows in our hearts. We were seeing signs that soon RJ will be completely healed.
As time pass his recuperation was continuously progressing. He was looking more and more okay. He is no longer pale in fact his lips are so red. He is getting better day by day. He became much more hilarious. He was again very talkative, he keeps asking a lot of things and he kept bragging about how healthy and strong he is and that he is eating very well, and hearing him say those things undeniably brings so much hope, delight and gratitude in our hearts. I was thinking then that God still has great plans for this kid and I was wishing that seeing him grow and play with other kids at school was a part of it.

The day he was rushed to the hospital, I talked to God and told him that I would do anything just for him to give RJ another chance to live. I promised Him that I would finish reading the Holy Bible. This maybe just a simple task for some but it was a great dilemma for me. Anyone who knew me might actually say that I can do it, no doubt! Since I do a lot of reading but we are talking about the Holy Bible. It is not just an ordinary fiction material that would capture my interest. Let’s be honest not all have tried reading the Holy Bible. But then again I am going to do it because I want RJ to be healed and somehow guilt stricken because I have spent loads of time reading different books even spent my hard earned money just to collect them and then this very valuable book that has been sitting in my bookshelf for years I dare not touch. So, since then my day would start with a hungry heart and would sleep full of God’s words.
In my heart I know that this pact that I have made with the Lord would help RJ get cured, but somehow as I read and get more engrossed with every lines that my eyes has touched it occurred to me that it was me who was being healed much more than RJ. Without this young boy’s knowledge he created a bridge that would lead me closer to Him again.
A few months after, RJ is showing again some signs of his illness. He complains about his bones hurting and that he can’t breathe. One time when my husband and I were busy painting the house in preparation of our son’s christening I heard him crying in pain. I was trying so hard to hold back the tears but every grunt of pain that he’s blurting out felt like a thousand knives was stabbing my heart. So I asked Niño, my husband to turn on the radio and put the volume on high so that I won’t hear him. These continuously happen and even in the wee hours of the morning I can hear him cry and call his mom. Although they live literally and figuratively near us I never did try to see him because I know I wouldn’t be able to stand it and I don’t want Reychell to see me cry and it would disheartened her. I know how it feels like to see and hear your child cry in pain but then as much as you want to take their pain away; as much as you wish that it happened to you instead to them you just can’t do anything about it because it is God’s will.
Then the day came that they have to get RJ back to the hospital. If I’m not mistaken that was a Monday after my son’s christening. I was able to see him before they left and I almost got into my knees at the sight of him. His stomach was so big and hard. He has a lot of bruises, in his eyes, in his body and hands and legs. I thought then that everything will be alright again once proper medication was given to him. But then two weeks after, my uncle received a call early morning of May 25, 2010 that RJ had passed away. I cried so hard because I remember just the night before that my uncle was telling us that RJ seemed like saying his farewell because he was seeing things that they could not see. RJ was telling them that there were two white birds flying inside the hospital room they were in and he keeps on looking out of the window and then telling his mom that he wants to go and that he is already tired. Those were such big words for a three year old kid to say. Reychell even asked his son where he's going and RJ didn’t respond but instead just kept silent. I don’t know what Reychell was thinking upon hearing those words but what I know that she is so frightened. It could be that she was denying the thought that RJ could possibly go any moment but I don’t see anything wrong with that, any mother would do the same. I am a mother myself and I would feel exactly the same. Just the thinking about it makes me cry much harder.

I know things will be different now that RJ is gone. The house would be less piercing, less happy and probably now emptier. I would no longer hear him call me “Ate Ya”, or my mom and dad, I would no longer hear him sing his favorite songs, his voice would definitely be missed. I would no longer see him dance like his nuts. It would now be much harder to look at his pictures and videos, much harder than those days he was still struggling for his life. His stubbornness might have irritated us but now that we will no longer experience it we’re all wishing that we could have embraced it whole heartily.
His passing created a hole in our being and somehow I know it would never be covered or be replaced by anyone; it would permanently stay in our hearts forever because it is the only thing that remains that would describe how deep our love is for him. I know this pain shall pass but it would really take time for us to get used to not seeing him around. It burns us to see him go but it would be much more excruciating to see him suffer. We may no longer see his adorable face but he will never be forgotten. At times our minds may tend to forget but our hearts never will for he is carved there for as long as we live.

What RJ has left us would surely be treasured because he taught us to listen to our Creator and ask Him for his grace and guidance just the way He wants. RJ has taught us to be more open to Him and make Him a part of our lives and not to seek Him only in times of need. At such a young age he left us but no one could have ever thought that this innocent angel would be the greatest teacher.
It is terribly sad that our Provider has taken away the life he has given to our little angel. I can hear RJ's laughter resounding at the back of my head but then we’ve had our run, and I guess it’s time to let them hear it. I wish that he wouldn’t be lonely up there as much as we are right here. But I know that God wouldn’t let that happen because He has given RJ the greatest gift he could ever ask for, his cute little wings and the promise of eternal life.

I - M - U

2010-07-29T00:26:00.000-07:00

Since the day you left

There’s a void inside me that keeps growing inch by inch

Like a dying star burning, slowly losing its gleam

But denying it somehow gets me through

I miss sleeping knowing you’re beside me

And waking up in the morning seeing you still fast asleep

I have slept and dreamt by myself half of my life

But now it feels different to lie down and dream here alone

I miss breathing in the air you breathe out

And the wonderful feeling it gives me

I miss watching you sleep and hearing you snore

Now nothing feels like that at all

I miss your stories even if you repeat it over and over
I’d do anything to hear them again

Your voice gives me the security that you’re there

Even if we’re really apart

I miss joking around with you

And laughing until our stomach aches

I miss the midnight snacks

Even if I gain some weight

I miss our fights even if it takes the next day

Somehow it feels weird not to feel the pain

I miss the arguments that we had

It reminds me that two people can share a lifetime together

no matter what their differences are

I miss your eyes and how you look at me

Your stare makes me think that I’m pretty
I miss your lips and how they kiss me

And the shiver it sends down my spine

I miss your loving words

That makes me burst into tears

I miss everything about you baby
I can no longer wait to see you smile for me

my euphoria

2010-07-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

He is the song that plays on repeat
The reason why my heart skips a beat

A fix to every broken smile

A source of laugh in all the saddest times

The joy in every tears that fall

My redeemer in all times i seem to crawl

My friend...

My soulmate...

The strings of my faith...

The love i fought for...

The heart i sought for...

My life...

My destiny...

My every breath...

Find me when I'm gone

2010-07-13T06:20:00.001-07:00

Why does it hurt when you almost gave it all?
Would there ever be a cure for this pain that I am in?
I’ve given up my soul
Yet it felt like there’s still something missing

All crippled and dying
Still my heart stood brave
Making believe I could be happy someday, somehow
Its just that the world isn’t noticing me

I am too small to be seen
Too silent to be heard
By the loud world who has kept me waiting for my chance
That I guess would never come

Against my will I swallowed my pride
Taste the salty tears that comes more often now
Haunting me more everytime
Softly and slowly killing my breath

Would I ever be happy?
Would that day ever come?
the world finally hear me if I scream?
Would they finally notice me when I’m gone?

Finding happiness

2010-07-13T03:13:00.000-07:00

Every night my pillow would sleep
with the taste of melancholy
And in the comforts of this blanket
I have covered some things I've long hold

My dreams are all tucked up in bed
Dreams that might just stay as a dream
Dreams that seem to me
will only create cobwebs in my head

In my search for happiness
I found a few broken smiles
That only grew heavier until the cracks
turned into frown

And when the world has left me to wither
The lines they threw built up a shelter
But even if I paint the walls white
Their lines are dark and it stabs my heart

My cries are unknown
Like the whisper of the breeze to the shore
A secret only my pillow and my eyes knows

For so long loneliness has been a constant friend
But this longing to be free
Is still screaming inside my head

I have dwelled in this sanctuary for far too long
But still I believe in magic, in fairy tales
And wish upon a star
dreams they may have stained
But my faith they can never break

And then finally you came
The knight who freed my lonely soul
The spell that healed the thousand stitches of my heart
The potion that have transfigured me into something new

I knew the magic will soon happen
And the song that has long been paused
Would finally play on repeat again
Your words made me realize were destined to be
And none of my scars could ever made me love you less

Sa Huling Destinasyon

2010-07-13T03:11:00.001-07:00

Ang dami pumapasok sa isip ko, nag-uunahan lumabas yung mga salitang sumisigaw sa utak ko, hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano isusulat ko…nandito lang sila paikot-ikot, naglalaro, nililibot bawat bahagi at bawat sulok ng isip kong pakiramdam ko naman walang ibang laman kung hindi halo-halong salita na di ko magawan kahit isang maiksing taludtod. Paano nga ba ko magsisimula? paano ko nga ibabahagi yung pakiramdam ko…teka subukan kong pumikit at mag- relax muna baka sakali mamaya may maganda ng lumabas at maisulat…(pikit…makaraan ang ilang segundo…) naka-pikit ako pero di ako makapagrelax, kung sabagay paano nga naman ako makakapag relax eh ang ingay dito, nga pala nasa trabaho ako ngayon isa kong call center agent. Oo, agent sa tagalog ahente. Technical Support Agent ako, ewan ko ba ba’t ako napasok dito pero siguro kasi nung mga panahon nag-a-apply ako ng trabaho ito lang yung “in demand” at siguro dahil narin sa sahod, hindi ko naman talaga linya ‘to pero ayus na rin, medyo nabo-bore na pero kelangan ko kumita eh para makatulong ako sa magulang ko at sa bayarin sa bahay.

Wala pa kasi akong natatanggap na tawag ulit, kakatapos lang nung isang ahente na nagtatanung kung anu nagyari doon sa order nung kustomer, bakit daw na cancel eh wala naman daw siyang pinapa- cancel, tiningnan ko yung records eh nalaman ko na cancel kasi may DSL na daw yung linya niya…(sa mga hindi nakakaalam digital subscriber line ibig sabihin nun… isang uri ng teknolohiya na makakapag internet ka at magagamit mo yung telepono mo ng sabay, mas mabilis kesa sa dial-up service na nakasanayan natin dati… ang galing talaga ng technology nuh?!). Ang kulit pa din nung ahente hindi daw niya maintindihan, eh naisip ko anu bang mahirap sa na-cancel kasi nga my DSL na daw yung linya, babalikan daw muna niya yung kustomer para itanung kung may DSL daw ba dati yung linya niya, pagbalik sakin sabi niya sabi daw ng kustomer meron dati pero pina-cancel na daw niya iyon, sabi ko sa kanya tumawag siya sa sales department para malaman niya kung na disconnect na yung dating service bago pa umorder ulit yung kustomer aba eh parang ayaw pa maniwala, parang nagdadalawang isip pa kung nagsasabi ba ako ng totoo, kung yun ba talaga ang dapat niyang gawin o gusto ko lang siya itapon sa ibang agent kasi istorbo sya sa pagsusulat ko , tapos sa bandang huli susunod din naman pala pinatagal pa yung tawag… ISTORBO!

Anung araw na ba ngayon? 1:29am? Ahh… friday na pumasok kasi ako thursday night, friday na pala tatlong araw pa bago ko makapag pahinga at bago ko makita ulit yung pinakamamahal kong nobyo, si Niño…

Ang galing nga eh, dalwang taon at isang buwan na kami ang bilis talaga ng panahon, samantalang dati walang patid akong umiiyak dahil doon sa ex-bf kong walang kwenta, sorry sa term pero wala talagang kwenta eh, ni hindi ko man lang nga naramdamang importante ako sa kanya, imagine apat na taon ako nagtiis para sa kanya at doon sa apat na taon na yun mabibilang ko lang sa daliri ko sa kanang kamay kung ilang beses kami nagkita at hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ako nagpaka- tanga at naniwala sa mga katakot - takot na paliwanag niya. Naaalala ko pa nun anniversary namin nag handa ako ng lunch kasi sabi niya pupunta daw siya sa bahay, Abah! eh namuti na mga mata ko hindi pa dumadating ni wala man lang abiso. Nagalit ako pero pag kahingi niya ng patawad ayun okey na ulit parang walang nangyari, hanggang sa maulit ng maulit, paulit - ulit na parang pare -pareho na lang yung nangyayari hanggang sa hindi ko na makumpara yung kaibahan ng kahapon sa nangyari ngayon o sa pwedeng mangyari pa bukas, kaya ayun pag-gising ko isang araw ayoko na pagod na ko!, hindi ko na matiis yung mga ginagawang niyang pambabalewala. Parang bigla akong natauhan, para kong nagising sa isang napakahabang bangungot. Bakit ko nga pinagmumukhang tanga ang sarili ko? bakit ko nga ba hinahayaang saktan ako ng ibang tao? bakit ako nagpapakaloko sa isang taong hindi naman alam yung halaga ko? Tinimbang ko yung nararamdaman ko sa sitwasyong kinalalagyan ko, inisip ko yung pwede ko pang maramdaman kapag nagdesisyon ako, natatakot ako magkamali ulit pero naisip ko matagal na kong nagkamali, mali akong hinayaan ko na ibang tao ang magpatakbo ng buhay ko. Hindi man ako komporatable alam kong tama na yung gagawin ko ngayon. Isang napakalaking desisyon…SPLIT na KAMI!!!

Kami pa ng magaling kong ex nung magkakilala kami ni Niño, pinsan sya ng boyfriend ng bestfriend kong si Mars na bestfriend ko na simula pa nung highschool…birthday ni Mars noon nung nagkakilala kami. Inuman kami doon sa bahay pagkatapos mag jam. Kina sabaduhan nagkita kami ulit kila Mars nung mag second celebration kami para sa birthday niya, hindi pa nga dapat ako pupunta kasi pinagagalitan ako ng nanay ko gabi na daw at umuulan pa eh batas ako siyempre sinunod ko parin yun gusto ko. Na lasing ako sobra ang dami kasi namin nainom, ini- english ko na daw silang lahat, at ang mga hayup na yon kaibigan ko pa man din tinatawanan pa ko!, nakahawak daw ako sa kamay ni Niño siyempre hindi ko alam kasi hilong hilo na ako.

Sumunod kami magkita nung nag jam kami sa isang band studio sa may Sta. Mesa at kinabukasan ulit nung inimbita kami ng isa pang pinsan nila na si Kuya Bok na pumunta sa binyag ng pamangkin niya sa Makati. Doon na simulang nagka biruan pinagpapares nila kami…nagumpisa sa kantsawan, hanggang sa nauwi sa ligawan, hanggang sa naging kami, nagkahiwalay, nagkabalikan, akala ko nga nung una rebound ko lang siya kasi yun yung madalas nila sinasabi sakin dahil kahihiwalay ko palang sa ex ko, pero kung titingnan mo parang matagal na kaming wala ng ex ko kasi hindi nga kami nagkikita. At eto sabi ko nga kanina dalawang taon at isang buwan na pero masaya parin. Nagkakaroon kami ng mga di pagkakaintindihan pero napag-uusapan naman, sa madaling salita magkasundong - magkasundo kami. Para ngang yung sinasabi nilang “a match made in heaven”, parehong di magandang karansan ang pinagmulan pinag-untog ng panahon, pinag sama ng Diyos.

Napakahiwaga nga talaga ng Diyos alam na alam niya kung kailan niya ibibigay yung mga bagay na kailangan mo, right timing lagi… ang galing nga eh imagine nagkakilala kami in an unexpected place and time… iniisip ko nga minsan baka nakasakay ko na siya sa jeep papuntang PLM dati o kaya naman sa bus nung mga panahon na nag-aaral pa ko at pumunta kami sa bahay ng barkada ko sa Sta. Mesa para gumawa ng project, pero di kami nagkita kasi nasa kanang bintana siya ako nasa kaliwang bintana ng bus, naisip ko din baka nakabangga ko na siya kung saan pero sa sobrang pagmamadali ko hindi ko man lang naisip tingnan yung mukha niya, o kaya nakatabi ng fx na sinasakyan ko yung jeep na sinasakyan niya yun nga lang may biglang humarang na sasakyan sa gitna kaya di rin kami nagkita… ang daming posibilidad na pumapasok sa isip ko na maaaring nangyari at maaari rin namang hindi…

Kung iisipin mo napaka liit lang ng mundo pero masyadong maraming pasikut - sikot kaya naliligaw tayo, napupunta sa mga lugar na di naman dapat mapuntahan, nakakakilala ng mga taong pwedeng tumatak sa isip mo o pwedeng malimutan na lang. May madadaanan kang mga lugar na gusto mong balikbalikan, may mga lugar naman na ayaw mo ng puntahan dahil sa mga pangit na alaala, pero kahit pasikut - sikot o masalimuot man ang daan papunta sa lugar na matagal mo ng inaasam, naisip mo ba minsan na lahat ng yon ayos lang, na lahat ng yon okey lang? kasi pag narating mo muna yung destinasyon mo lahat ng sakit, pagod, hirap, lahat yon mapapalitan ng kaibsan, kaginhawaan at higit sa lahat saya. Parang ako matagal na nagtiis, naghintay sa isang taong walang kasiguraduhan kung babalik pa o hindi, ilang beses naniwala at lumuha pero sa huli, nakita ko din yung taong tumatak sa isip ko. Hindi ko man alam kung siya yung nakabangga ko sa kung saang lugar, o kaya nakasabay ko sa jeep o sa bus, ang mahalaga dun narating ko din yung destinasyon ko…si Niño.

Stubborn Angel

2010-07-13T02:36:00.000-07:00

The closer this nocturnal journey comes to an end
The more I fear to see the morning sun
How desperately I hope for this moment to be paused
And put it on a bottle then get it tightly closed

You are the sweetest bitter chocolate that ever melted in our mouths
You are the sunrays that comes out on a sky filled with clouds
You are the joy in every tear that continuously fall
You are the only stubborn angel our hearts will ever know

I know that this is inevitable
That life is way beyond our control
But the thought that you’ll go and won’t come back
Is the hardest part that I have to take

These tears flooding my face won’t stop as I touch your face on the glass
Every scene I had with you plays on my mind with the hope it won’t last
But I know this time a lot will change
For only in my dreams will I see your face

Now everyday would be like a morning without the sunshine
A night time without the moon and the stars
A life without your laughter
And a lifetime filled with emptiness and tears