Real Burning Issues

Why Men Pull Away from Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Tue, 08 May 2012 23:16:00 +0000

You have just lost your man due to a breakup and want him back. You are utterly confused as to why men pull away from relationship. The answer to this question is not as simple as you may want it to be. A decent man would not walk out of a relationship for another woman. Even if the man is with another woman after a break up there usually is a deeper reason for why men pull away from a relationship.

The basic need of a man from a relationship is admiration. All men want to be admired, especially by their partner. They require your respect and approval to feel comfortable in the relationship. Even if the guy is the most ugly, obese, lazy and unemployed admiration is what they look for.

You may find yourself in a situation where you don't know what to do. Thatâ€™s absolutely fair because men are seeking for admiration even when they don't deserve any at all. They don't get the admiration they feel they should get, that's why men pull away from the relationship. It gives them a false belief that somehow you are dissatisfied with them and they don't have your respect and approval. And if you find him in the arms of another woman the possible reason is that the approval and admiration he was looking for from you, he is getting from her.

Now that you know the possible reason why men pull away from a relationship try and figure out if it applies to your relationship too. When was the last time you dressed up for him? When was the last time you showed interest in listening to his achievements in his work? Do you still laugh at the stupid jokes he cracks? Above all do you find anything about the man that you think you can respect and admire whole heartedly?

If you want him back there has to be something in him that you still admire and love. The pressure of the daily routine usually makes you oblivious of the fact that even though you admire your man you are not expressing it as much as you should be. Or at least as much as he thinks you should be. Though men are less sensitive than women but they can feel the lack of admiration very easily and this is one of the obvious reason and might be the reason why your man pulled away from you.

Now you know the possible reason for why your guy must have left you. This might be the actual reason or maybe there are some other reasons. But its worth trying to understand if you really did admire him as much as he perceived he should have been. Once you understand why men pull away do something now to keep your man stay by your side.

6 Things You Can Do To Have A Successful And Lasting Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 22:57:00 +0000

How much do you value your marriage? What can you do to ensure that your marriage doesn’t end up in the dustbin of divorce?

The incidence of divorce and sour relationships could be minimized in our societies today if certain things are taking into consideration. It amazes me to see or read about it in the newspapers how once a bubbling, love-infected marriage suddenly collapsed and the only option the couples are considering is divorce.

Sadly the estranged couple hardly considers the fate of their children who usually bear the brunt of the collapsed marriage. It is such an ugly situation that any person in his or her right senses would do everything to prevent.

Marriage like any other human relationship thrives on mutual understanding, effective communication, spending quality time together as well as remaining attractive to your spouse.

How Much Do You Know About Your Spouse?

It is a suicide mission to go into marriage with somebody you hardly known. How much do you know of him? Who does he hang out with? What about his background and track records? What about his characters and attitudes? The list is endless.

It is a pity that many people these days never bothered to find out, at least, a little bit of useful information about the other person in their relationship. The truth about the other person usually stark us in face after the knot has been tied, no wonder there is so much incidence of broken relationships and cases of divorce in our society today.

It is possible that you might not be able to come up with any useful information before you go into such relationship, however, you would help yourself to use the first few weeks into the relationship to gather some intelligent report about him that would guide you as to whether you should continue with the relationship or not. There would be little or no hurt if you should decide to call it quit at the early stage based on your findings. Broken relationship is always better than broken marriage.

Accept The Reality of Marriage, Let Go Of The Fantasy!
Don’t allow whatever you read in romance books and magazines blindfold you to the reality of marital life. They are not the same. Wake Up!

If you crave for a successful marriage then you must face the reality of the fact that people change constantly, even you. A man or woman might behave in a certain way at the early stages of the relationship especially during courtship and would suddenly become a different person once the marriage ceremony has been concluded. You should always have it at the back of your mind that circumstances and situations change; so also are people.

Unless you prepare yourself for such change or reality you might be devastated when it occurs. Who says your spouse cannot betray you? Have you been blinded by love to that extent that you cannot see the likelihood of it occurring? It doesn’t matter how long you have been together, the truth of the matter is that it happens to people every day and you are not different from them. The earlier you realize this fact the better as it will protect you to a certain extent if eventually your spouse begins to behave strangely. The hurt will be minimal and you won’t have to commit murder or suicide.

You Must Express Your Feelings To Your Spouse, No Matter What!
When your spouse does some things you don’t like or approve of, do you voice out or do you keep mute and nurse your pains silently? How do you communicate your opinions to him? When taking up contentious issues, how do you express your grievances? Do you cry blue murder or do you approach the matter with calm and patience? How do you express your desires? Do you use body language or verbal?

Your response to all these questions will determine the survival or otherwise of your marriage. Often times, what make relationship or marriage break up is as a result of poor or lack of communication between married people. Some people find it difficult to relate with their spouses.
You should endeavor to communicate your feelings and needs, be it emotional, physical or spiritual, to your spouse? As a married woman, who says you can’t initiate the move for sex? You might not necessarily be verbal, but you can still express your need/desire for it through your dressing, perfume, looks and the way you comport yourself in the presence of your man. Remember men are moved by sight, sound and smell.

Men! You must be a good listener.

Women by nature really want to pour out their minds at the end of each day. A woman wants to tell her husband everything that happens that day from A to Z and God helps him if he doesn’t listen even if he has to pretend that he does, he must. An average woman believes that her husband would only listen to her if he still cares and loves her.

Often time, a man too wants to return home and share his challenges and problems at work that day with his wife. Thus her listening and soothing response would go a long way to strength and motivate him to overcome any challenges he might be facing. Have you ever seen a man in tears? He definitely needs the attention of his wife at such critical time and she might only communicate her sympathy, love and support by mere touching and whatever you can imagine! Make the fun out of your marriage by sharing and communicating effectively.

Woman, You Must Brand And Rebrand Yourself!
It is amazing seeing a once dashing and very attractive woman turned to a drab and very nauseating soon after marriage, probably after the first child. I have seen many young married women like that. They no longer take care of their hair, look, body and general appearance.

They believe because they have secured the marriage certificate and got the man hooked, it doesn’t matter anymore how they look or appear in public. After all, nobody would be interested in them again. What such women fail to understand is that their first admirer is their husband and they must do everything to constantly secure his attention if they don’t want to lose him to another woman outside.

If you really want to your marriage to last and ensure that your husband doesn’t look elsewhere, except in such cases where a man is so randy that no matter how attractive the wife is or no matter what she does he would still not be satisfied, you should always take care of your physical appearance.

Don’t give up on what you have been doing that got him attracted to you in the first place and you should be in tune with time and changes in fashion and style. He is your husband and that means there is no limit to the extent in which you can go to seduce him. Give him a reason to always desire you and you will succeed in keep other women out of his life! Give him fatal attraction, and he would hardly leave you.

Create Time To Be Together
Recently, I was listening to a phone-in program on the radio when a married man called to complain bitterly that his wife abandoned him for the kids! Many a time some women create cracks in their own marriages when they divert all attentions away from their husbands to the children.

What they don’t know is that men are terribly jealous no matter who is involved and before you know it they would start dating other women outside.
Similarly, some men unknowingly issued tickets of infidelity to their wives when all they are after is work! work!! and work!!! They don’t come home on time and when they do they bring work home from office. They travel endlessly to the extent that the poor woman becomes tired of loneliness and seeks companion outside her matrimonial home. And before the workaholic husband could realize what is happening the damage is already done. The wife has filed for divorce.

The best thing is to get adequate time for every member of your family, let the family spend more time together and you should sometimes take a retreat that involves you and your spouse without any other member of the family interfering, not even the children! Relive the sweet memories of the pre-marital time you had together. What about another honeymoon? Who says it can only be once?

The steps enumerated above are just some of those little things you can do to save your marriage from collapse, of course there are more things that you can do, but what I have stated here should be enough to keep you going, explore you marriage and you will discover your own peculiar way of having lasting marriage, no two marriages are the same.

Click Here for more resources and tips on how you can have a successful marriage

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I originally published this article at Articledashboard

Permissive Parenting: The dividing line.

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 22:23:00 +0000

At age three years plus, my daughter already has the knowledge of coming to me to demand for those things she knew her mother might not approve of. This amazes me because I couldn’t remember having such knowledge at her age. She often demands for things like cookies, sweets, chocolates and such like, more often than not I granted her wishes which sometimes annoys her mother. She believes I am very permissive and that by that I am not helping her. Of course, I don’t quite agree with her.

Personally I believe that every child passes through this stage and that she will outgrow these demands as she grows older.

Now, I wouldn’t have spared the rod if she had been older and begins to exhibit strange behaviors such as disrespectful, stealing, and disregardful of parental instructions as well as un-seriousness when it comes to her studies and so on.

How much of freedom should be given to a child? When should the child be spared and not the rod? Does our society support permissive parenting? How can we strike a balance between genuinely admonishing a child that is borne out of true parental love and what could be regarded as purely child abuse?

I strongly believe that a child should not be spared the moments he knows what is right from what is wrong. Of course, you must have run him through the do’s and don’ts as well as punishment attached whenever he violates the laid down rules.

I think it is not right to punish a child for behaviors that he has no pre-knowledge of as to whether it is bad or good. It is the duty of every parent to ensure that the child is aware of what is right in the society and what is not.

In Africa, no law forbids you from applying the rod on your child if he misbehaves and you won’t be charged to court or denied the custodian of such child.

However, there are rare cases where parents or guardians inflict excessive injuries on a child probably for stealing. This is an example of child abuse, which I belief every reasonable society would disapprove of.

Any society that over protects the child through legislation is not really helping itself and the child in the long run. It is disdainful for a child to call in the police to arrest any of his parents simply because he was admonished for bad behavior.

In Africa, most of us grew up under strict parenting and we are the better for it today, I wonder how many of our parents would have be thrown to jail if we could call in the police then whenever they beat us.

In essence, love for the child should not be substituted for permissiveness of questionable behaviors. These days, any child could get away with certain behaviors that their parents couldn’t have during their own days.

Back then, there were disciplines and the parents were very strict. No wonder, we have more dissidents in our societies now than during the time of our forefathers.

A well brought up child would grow to becoming a loving, caring and respectful man or woman that would make meaningful contributions to his home, community and country.

Why do we have more broken marriages today than in the past? It is because, that child that was not properly trained, who got away with all kinds of misbehaviors when young, had grown to become a violent man, an uncaring and unfaithful woman!

To have a better society, we must desist from sparing the rod and spoil the child; it is okay to love your child but don’t be permissive of his destructive behaviors.

The Agony Of A Parent!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 21:07:00 +0000

I was so expectant as my wife's due date drew nearer; to say I was extremely happy was saying the least. The scan results have confirmed the sex of the baby to be male. We had ensured we got most of the baby's things ready.

Then two days before she put to bed, she started having contractions and was moved to the hospital and remained there until she put to bed on the third day. I had left the hospital by the time the baby came out. It was about 09:45pm and I was extremely happy when I was told on phone that they were both okay.I couldn't go back to the hospital that night because of the distance, so I waited impatiently till the following morning before I rushed down to the hospital.

My joy was beyond description as I held my baby boy in my hands, glorifying God for such wonderful gift. My wife, too, was not left out. Few hours later people started congratulating us and we started celebrating the arrival of the new born baby.

They were discharged from the hospital the following day with both of them in good condition and okay. At home the celebration continues.

On the third day of its birth, I was holding the baby in my hand when I received a phone call, very early in the morning, that my only surviving elder brother, who has been sick for a while, has passed on. I was embittered and thought of the state my mother who be at that time. How could she have to witnessed the death of another child. Out of the eleven children she has, three of us were left and now one is gone. What a tragedy of life! So I quickly pull myself together and traved down to our home town. My brother was buried that and I could not leave my mother behind so I brought her with me.

That night we couldn't sleep because my baby boy was just crying throughtout the night and I had to take him to the hospital the following morning. His mother could not come with me because she was a bit ill-disposed. so I went with my sister in-law and a family friend.

He was placed on medication and was responding to treatment until later that day that his situation took a different turn and in a twinkle of an eye THE BOY DIED!

It was as if my whole world has collapsed! And I wept uncontrollably. Numerous questions raced through my minds amidst tears:

"How could I left home with a life child and return with a dead one"

"What am I going to tell his mother?"

"How is my mother going to cope with the shock of losing a son and a grandson in less than 24 hours?"

I was consoled by the family friend who arranged and assisted in buring the corpse. I was emotionally and mentally shattered. The joy I felt about two days ago has evaporated and seemed to have taken place in my imagination.

My wife almost run mad when she realized that she was not going to see her baby again. My mother could not cry. It was as if the losses have sealed off her tears; all she did was to join forces with my mother-in-law to console my wife.

Up till now, over a month after the whole incident, I am yet to accept the reality of the situation. It is as if am dreaming or that everything has been an illusion. Could everything have happened in my imagination? My wife is worst hit; she spent over a week in the hospital thereafter.

In all we give glory to God because it could have been worse!

Appreciating Life From The Perspective Of A Parent

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Sat, 19 May 2007 17:56:00 +0000

Life is precious; no doubt about it but the way we value life differs from one individual to another. Those that are living on fast lanes have little or no regard for life. They are so engrossed in crime that they careless if they should suddenly cease to live.

My concept about life prior to my becoming a father was a kind of not seeing it beyond our existence as human beings. Then I watched with delight as my daughter grew inside my wife’s womb and I became marveled at how life is formed and I appreciate it more. It probably beats my human mind how my night of passion with my wife produced a life that I can’t explain how it was formed. The fruit is in clear disparity to the seed planted. And I don’t even know which of the seeds produced the fruit. Let’s leave aside whatever science says about this.

Then I appreciate my Creator for his ingenuity. There was a particular night when my daughter was still in the womb and she was kicking so vigorously that I was scared she was going to burst her mother’s womb open.

When she finally joined us and started to grow it became a daily delight watching her crawling and falling and as she try to learn one thing or the other. Then she constantly led me to imagine what I had probably done at her age.

If you want to see the beauties of life then watch the growth of a healthy and cheerful child. Not only would you appreciate life, you would appreciate your parents more and would be ready to forgive them in whatever way they might have offended you. We are all indebted to our parents and so also are our children and the circle goes on. This is one reason we must ensure our parents are well taken care of and we must ensure we receive their blessing always.

How can we forget about our parents? No matter differences we might share with them on certain issues of life, for the fact that we are alive today, that they didn’t abort our pregnancies; that they went through numerous sleepless nights in order that we might live affirm the fact that they love us irrespective of their shortcomings as human beings.

God gave us life and used our parents as the vehicle that drove us down here. Must we not appreciate the giver and the medium?

When my daughter needs something she comes to me and ahs no doubt in her little mind that I would grant her request. She would insist and persist until I give her what she asks for. Then I realized that God is truly our father and if we can faithfully go to Him as His children, He would grant us our requests. However, just as we examine the requests of our children and ensure that what they want are not to their detriment; so also God does for us when we ask Him for any thing.

When Marriage Gone Sour!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 06:37:00 +0000

“I love you with all my heart; I can hardly sleep without your thought on my mind”

“You have poisoned my heart with your love that I only exist for you”
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The above statements are not uncommon when two people are starting out in a relationship or when they just got marriage. Such time is usually the best ever in the lives of many people, when passion, love and care for each other were at their peak.

Then all of a sudden the passion/love/care began to wane and there begin the era of accusations and counter accusations. They no longer enjoy the company of each other and you begin to wonder where have all the sweet nothing words they used to whisper to each other in the dead of the nights gone to! The worst hit is those that were married for a few years and probably had one or two kids. They are so selfish that they never give consideration to what would be the fate of the kids or what adverse effects their actions could have on the future of their children when they are considering divorce.

The question is that do people in this situation ever consider impart of their desperate and inconsiderate actions on all concerned as well as those that are remotely connected to them.

The emotional distress is not only felt by the separating partners but also by those who have enjoyed seeing them together. Such people include their parents, relations, friends and most importantly their children.

The effect of this can really be appreciated when you compare children raised by single parents that are actually separated not by reason of death, to those kids that grow up under the auspices of two loving parents. It reflects on how they behave in the society or relate with others. In other words, separation among couples has contributed its own quota to the number of dissidents that we have in our society today. Hence, one can rightly say that the society too suffer the effects of any act of separation or divorce that is been committed. In fact the loss is unquantifiable.

Often time, separation or divorce withdraw the supports that the couple have for each other and this kind of mount pressure on them individually especially where the man can hardly afford to cater for the rest of the family that is now living apart. Mind you, such support is not limited to financial; it could be spiritual, physical or even emotional.

Funnily enough, the so called divorce or separation often time could be prevented if the parties actually wanted to. However, they choose to remain blinded to the handwritings that are clearly written on the wall.

When the parties communicate less and often allow conflicts to go unsettled or allowed too much interference in their affairs by so called caring friends/relations from either family, then they are courting separation. At other times, one party could begin to show no regard for the other’s feeling or appreciate his/her opinion any longer and the partner at the receiving end just decided to tolerate and bite his/her tongue in silence and failed to communicate his/her hurt to the other person, hoping he/she would change one day. Then when things get worse, he/she force out all the bottled angers over the years and the inevitable occurs leaving pains and gnashing of teeth in its wake!

What are you passing through in your marriage right now that makes you contemplating divorce? Have you ever considered the effect it would have on your children? There is no part of our human life that has no challenges, our marriages inclusive. Your response matters a lot. Have you explored all the options of settling your differences amicably? How do you communicate to your partner? Do you realized that it would take you more energy, pain, emotion etc to get separated than to resolve the issue? Where has been your first love for your partner, thrown to the winds? You can retrieve it. And you better do.

Go back in your mind to the beginning of your relationship and relive all the sweet moments up to the present and in the process you will discover where began the crack and you can begin to find the solution. There is no problem under the sun that cannot be resolved, it might however, take time, patience, perseverance and dedication with open mind.

Now what happened when you have tried all the available options under the sun to resolve the issue with your partner and all have invariable failed? Then separation might be inevitable especially where it involves threaten of lives. Even then, where children are involved, the matter should be handled with high level of maturity and adequate plan should be made to take care of the children. And if you are a woman and your husband has other wives, then you might be facing a tougher challenges which you might include taking sole responsibility for your child/ren.

A True Life Experience

Recently, a close relation of mine experienced a similar fate. She was the first wife and the husband, who is just about 34 years, married other six (6) wives, after her, in quick succession. There began series of neglect, deprivation-both financial and emotional-and it got to a point that he ordered her out of his home with two kids! All attempt to resolve the issue failed and she had to move out.

Now the point I wanted to bring out of this incident is that often time we are so blinded by our so called love for the other person that we neglect or overlook certain signs and tell-tales that could warn us of dangers ahead and made us to back out on time before we get hurt. We so much belief the other person would change. This relation knew her husband is very randy and had series of girl friends during their dating days. Even when another relation called her attention to this, she went ahead and told her man. She, probably in her ignorance of how rigid a man could be when it comes to flirtation, went ahead and got committed to the relationship that resulted in their marriage.

How I wish she heeded the advice then. She now regrets too.

What Ought To Be Done On Birthday Anniversary!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 18:04:00 +0000

What do you normally do on your birthday anniversary? Do you remember that day at all? Most people celebrate their days of sojourn on this planet earth with lots of drinks, food and music, especially for those that could afford the luxury of grand celebration with lots of fun.
But should birthday anniversary be just for fun and partying? Isn’t life worth more than eating and drinking? Besides what is been celebrated? That one is getting closer to the grave with each passing year of birthday anniversary?

In this article, I am going to share my view on what ought to be done on birthday anniversaries.
Of course, I am not against celebrating birthdays because life itself is a gift that must be celebrated. Nonetheless, ask yourself…

Why Are You Here?
What is your purpose on this planet earth? Why is it you that is here? What are you created for? What are you created to? Who are you suppose to give a helping hand and you are not? What message do you have for your generation in particular and humanity in general that you still have bottled up in you? When you finally bid the world farewell, how would you like to be remembered? What would your family – relations, wife/husband, girl/boyfriend, and children- remember you?

Your answers to all these questions and many others would actually validate your reason to throw party or opt for sober reflection.

If we pass through this world without an impact on at least one life or fail to leave an indelible mark (not a negative one) then we are not different from those that never had the chance to come to this world. And in a short while we would pass into oblivion even in the minds of those that are very close to us.

Great philosophers like Aristotle is been remembered by humanity today, about 2300 years, after his death, simply because of his contribution to humanity. How many of his contemporary can we remember today?

Sober Reflection
Our birthday ought to be for sober reflection rather than mere merriments that last for a while in the minds of people. Such a day should remind us of the fleeing passage of time and what need to be done within the shortest possible time we all have here.

Sober reflection is to us a compass and a map that show the direction our lives ought to take and our birthday is the check point where and when we must assess the worthiness of our crossing to the next phase in our lives. It ought to reveal to us the variance at which we are with our life purpose.

If you take stock and you are convinced that you have really following the right course in your life, then you deserve a pat at the back and you can…

Celebrate Your Achievements
Most people celebrate increase in number (X Plus One Year) on their birthdays and could not point to a specific thing they have done or achieve so far in their live. What and why are they celebrating? We have not been thrown into this world to come and eat, drink sleep and one day passed away! Life is more than that.

In the previous years, what one good thing have you done for yourself, your family, your community, your state, your nation and humanity in general? It doesn’t have to be in material possession and definitely not achievements that stemmed out of selfish pursuit/ambition or deprivation of other people’s rights or possession. It could be as little as give a selfless and valuable advice to that people which in turn have a positive impact of their lives.

On the other hand, it could be that you contributed your own quota to ensure that humanity is free from wars, pestilence, and political unrest.
However, let your celebration be moderate so that you still have time to…

Evaluate And Learn From Your Past Mistakes
While evaluating and learning from your mistakes must not be a yearly affair, seizing the period of your birthday anniversary to do this will not only avail you enough data to work with and ensure you enough information that could move you forward in the next year. The essence of doing it on your birthday anniversary is that as you are been reminded that you are not getting younger (of course, moving closer to your grave) you will realize that you cannot afford to repeat such mistakes again in your life. You might never have the time remedy the situation.

In conclusion, when you live a purposeful live that benefits others; they would celebrate you without you telling them to.

How Your Expectation And Action This Year Would Make Lots Of Difference In Your Life And Business

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 14:34:00 +0000

What is your expectation for year 2007? Are you like the majority that are so religious about setting New Year resolution – a list of all sorts things they have been doing in the previous years and they don’t want to do again. It could be to quit smoking, drinking, womanizing etc- which they rarely accomplished any.

However, expectations for the New Year go beyond the mere list of those habits you want to get away from. It encompasses everything you want to achieve in the New Year. The goals you set for yourself for the coming months. Your thinking in the right direction makes a lot of difference.

What are your expectations for your marriage/relationship this year? How do you intend to resolve issues and conflicts? Would you just fold your hands and watch things deteriorating into unbearable situation? Every single step or decision you take to ensure things are put on the right path this year makes a lot of difference.

Many times you want to do some things but you can’t just get started; you have lots of projects lined for you to carry out; a lot of tasks that you don’t even know where to start. So many business deals to close; the e-mails are flooding in by each passing seconds and lots of sales letters are still not yet written. All these tasks are so overwhelming that you eventually surrendered to the power of inertia - inaction.

But do you have to surrender just like that? Many of us are in this situation because we have on our own volition refused or failed to do something about the situation we don’t like or tasks that we must carry out. What we probably fail to realize is that all we need to do to make a lot of difference and move from the state of inaction to the splendid state of accomplishment is to take that first step, no matter how small or ineffective or imperfect it might seem to be.

You should not aim for perfection before we get started otherwise nothing will be done. That phone call to your business associate could seal the business deal you have been aspiring for. A meeting with your mentor could bring a tremendous change to your personal growth. Taking a step of reconciliation could restore your marriage and bring unimaginable happiness into your life.

Even in a situation where you could not achieve or complete a task or activity by taking a step towards it; that singular step will still make a lot of difference, it means you are a step closer to achieving your goals or completing the task.

The bottom line is envisage or build up your expectation of the exact situation – it could be getting ideal partner, opening up a business etc- that you really desire and do something towards achieving your goal. And this means just take that first step which makes lots of difference.

The climbing of mount Everest actually began with a step and this is what makes the difference between those who had achieved the rare feat of reaching the top of this mount and those whose sit back nurturing the idea in their minds without doing anything to actualise it.

We cannot be where we want to be without leaving where we are and the best thing to do in this situation is to take the bold step towards our destination- this makes a lot of difference.

In conclusion as you move into this year, let your expectations about yourself, your spouse, your business, and so on be high. And then go out there and act according to your expectation and in a short while your life would definitely improve. It is your action that would make the difference.

Remember that intention is nothing until you act and do what you intend. The world only knows you for what you do and not what you intend.

Discover How To Secure Your Relationship/Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 13:16:00 +0000

How much do you value your relationship/marriage? What can you do to ensure that your relationship/marriage doesn’t end up in the dustbin of divorce? The incidence of divorce and sour relationships could be minimized in our societies if certain things are taking into consideration. It amazes me to see or read about it in the papers how once a bubbling, love-infected relationship/marriage suddenly turned into hatred/sour to the extent that the parties must part ways. Then I asked myself where is all the sweet-nothing, “I love you till the end of the word” blah blah blah that usually pervade the early period of such relationship?

The most painful thing is the fate of seeds already produced by such relationship/marriage and the key-players or parties seem not to be aware of the darkness they might be plugging the offspring into. It is usually the children that bear the brunt of any broken marriage/relationship. As such, steps must be taken to ensure that the undesirable situations never occur. To this end, I present the following tested and trusted measures that could be employed to safeguard your relationship/marriage.
Some of them are applicable before the knot is tied while others could be applied after you’ve said “I do”.

How Much Do You Know?
Isn’t it a dicey and suicide mission going into relationship/marriage with someone you hardly known? How much of him/her do you know? What does him/her? Who does he/she hangs out with? What about his/her background and track records? What about his characters and attitudes?
It is a pity that many people these days never bothered to find out, at least, a little bit of useful information about the other person in their relationship. And unlike our fore-fathers, the incidence of divorce is increasing on daily basis.
Of course, some information could be well conceived but then it is just for a matter of time before the lid is blown open and the truth would be revealed. The fact is somehow, somewhere, someone would know something that could be useful and assist you to determine whether or not you should go ahead with the relationship. But how many people really want to go to such length these days before plunge into a relationship? A few of the people, and this is why there is many broken hearts everywhere.

It is possible that you might not be able to come up with any useful information before you go into such relationship, however, you would help yourself to use the first few weeks into the relationship as to gather enough intelligence information about him/her that would guide you as to the wisdom of continuing with the relationship or not. There would be little or no hurt if you should decide to call it quit at this stage based on your findings. Nonetheless, the danger here is that since the tempo of your feelings or emotions could be very deep at this early stage, you might be ruled by your emotions rather than your reasoning. And before you know it, you wouldn’t get committed to find out anything worthwhile and even if you do, you might be tempted to wave it off.
How many times have you heard remarks such as “it doesn’t matter if he smokes, I can change him/her as time goes on?” I know he womanizes, but he would change once we settled down?” Pipe dreams!
How possible do you think this is? I want you to answer that.

Facing The Reality
Probably many people allow the exaggerated romance between two people in romance novels and movies blinded them to the reality of life. Those love play portrayed in such circumstances does not reflect the happenings in the real world. A lot of young people have this wrong notion in their minds and went ahead into relationship/marriage and when they are confronted with the reality they rush out leaving hurt, woes and pains in their wake. They allowed their emotions to rule their reasons in the first place.

Thus to protect your marriage/relationship you must face the reality of the fact that people change constantly, even you. A man or woman might behave in a certain way at the early stages of a relationship especially during courtship and come up with a different kind of behaviour later on. And you will begin to wonder if you are not dealing with a different person. Of course you are. Our attitudes and behaviors at any point in time make us the exact person we were when exhibiting such behaviour or attitude. Circumstances and situations change; so also are people.
Unless you prepare yourself for such change or reality you might be devastated when it occurs. Who says your spouse cannot betray you? Have you been blinded by love to that extent that you cannot see the likelihood of it occurring? It doesn’t matter how long you have been together, the fact and reality is that it happens to other people everyday and you are not different from them. The earlier you realize this fact the better as it will protect you to a certain extent if eventually some thing like that occurs. The hurt will be minimal and you won’t have to commit murder or suicide.

Be A Good Communicator
When your spouse/partner does some things you don’t like or approve of, do you voice out or do you keep mute and nurse your pains silently? How do you communicate your opinions to him/her? When taking up contentious issues, how do you express your grievances? Do you cry blue murder or do you approach the matter with calm and patience? How do you express your desire? Do you use body language or verbal?
Your response to all these questions will determine the survival or otherwise of your relationship/marriage. Often time, the cause of misunderstanding and divorce in relationship/marriage is as a result of poor communication between the parties. Some people find it difficult to relate with their spouses.
You should endeavor to communicate your feelings and needs, be it emotional, physical or spiritual, to your spouse? As a married woman, who says you can’t initiate the move for sex? You might not necessarily be verbal, but you can still express your need/desire for it through your dressing, perfume, looks and the way you comport yourself in the presence of your spouse. Remember men are moved by sight, sound and smell.

What more? You must be a good listener too! Women by nature really want to pour out their minds at the end of each day. A woman wants to tell her husband everything that happens that day from A to Z and God helps him if he doesn’t listen even if he has to pretend that he does, he must. An average woman believes that her husband would only listen to her if he still cares and loving.
Often time, a man too wants to return home and share his challenges and problems at work that day with his wife. Thus her listening and soothing response would go a long way to strength and motivate him to overcome any challenges he might be facing. Have you ever seen a man in tears? He definitely needs the attention of his wife at such critical time and she might only communicate her sympathy, love and support by mere touching and whatever you can imagine!

Re-Package Yourself!
It is amazing seeing a once dashing and very attractive woman turned to something else soon after marriage. I have seen many young married women like that. They no longer take care of their hair, look, body and general appearance. They believe because they have secured the marriage certificate and got the man hooked, it doesn’t matter anymore how they look or appear in public. After all, nobody would be interested in them again. What such women fail to understand is that their first admirer is their husband and they must do everything to constantly secure his attention if they don’t want to lose him to another woman outside.
If you really want to secure your marriage and ensure that your husband doesn’t look elsewhere, except in such cases where a man is so randy that no matter how attractive the wife is or no matter what she does he would still not be satisfied, you should always take care of your physical appearance. Don’t give up on what you have been doing that got him attracted to you in the first place and you should be in tune with time and changes in fashion and style. He is your husband and that means there is no limit to the extent in which you can go to seduce him. Give him a reason to always desire you and you will succeed in keep other women outside at bay.

I had an experience in respect of this re-packaging oneself when I was in the polytechnic. I had two female course mates that were ripe for marriage but no suitors. Then one day a friend of mine, who was older and already married, saw them coming and remarked that if the ladies could repackage themselves suitors will be rushing at them. In fact that was the first and only time I heard the word, repackaging, been used for human being.
Somehow the message got to them and before you knew it, their dressing and appearances have changed and they became more attractive and inviting. No they were not indecent in their dressing. And not quite long after that they both got married and are happily married now. Men are definitely aroused by what they see, what they hear and when they smell!

Create Time To Be Together
Just last week I was listening to a phone-in program on the radio where a married man complained bitterly how his wife abandoned him for the kids! Many a time some women create cracks in their relationships/marriages when they divert all attentions away from their husbands to the children. What they don’t know is that men are terribly jealous no matter who is involved and before you know it they would start dating other women outside.
Similarly, some men unknowingly issued tickets of infidelity to their wives when all they are after is work! work!! and work!!! They don’t come home on time and when they do they bring work from office. They travel endlessly to the extent that the poor woman becomes tired of loneliness and seeks companion outside her relationship/marriage. And before the workaholic husband could realize what is happening the damage is already done. The wife has filed for divorce.
The best thing is to get adequate time for every member of your family, let the family spend more time together and you should sometimes take a retreat that involves you and your spouse without any other member of the family interfering. Relive the sweet memories of the pre-marital time you had together. What about another honeymoon? Who says it can only be once? And before you know it, your relationship/marriage would forever be secured.

DISILLUSIONMENT OF JOB SECURITY

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 16:28:00 +0000

The social conditioning that nearly all of us grew up with is that go to college or any higher institution of learning and obtain one degree or another to enable you secure a job and start a living. After some time, if you are luck enough you have a job that could allow you to marry, have children and pass the same concept to them and the circle continue.

Most people spend their productive years working on a job, some hardly change job within this period, and hoping that when they retire they would have enough money to enjoy. They are depending on their pension or gratuity at retirement. However, experience has shown that nearly everyone with this kind of mindset had met one disappointment or the other. It is either their employer throws them out early enough or their pension withheld. I always wept whenever I watch on TV pensioners queuing endlessly for their money and I couldn’t imagine myself been among them. Sadly enough many die in the process of waiting.

I imagine and could ascertain to an extent that most of these people in their heydays would have woken up as early as 4:30 am and travel long distance to their place of work and might not return home until 11:00 or 12:00 in the night. At work they put in their best and always do their employers’ bidding.

The question is why are most people doing this to themselves? Simply put, they are comfortable with the security the paid employment or their job seems to offer. The certainty of the next paycheck has blindfolded them to keep on working at a job that barely sustain them and coupled with the social conditioning they believe selling their time is the best way to earn a living. It doesn’t matter your position in your organization as long as you are exchanging your time for money you can’t have financial freedom and you are kidding yourself about a security that is not there.

And the truth is that your employer can never adequately pay for your time while he/she would do everything possible to get the best out of you. Do you even think your employer loves you? It is like a domesticated fowl that is been fed and taken care of by its owner; the essence of all the care and affection is that one day it will end up been a meal on its owner’s table! Like the fowl owner employers care for employees for their own ultimate benefits!

Then why are you doing this great disservice to yourself? Fear of unknown! That has been the main reason you are still staying on a job you don’t like; working for an employer you dislike and who keep on tormenting your life day in day out. You are still holding on to the job because you believe it offers security that is not actually there. You are always at the mercy of your employer who could get tired of seeing your face and ask you to go. Can you handle sudden retrenchment or outright sack when you hardly had any savings or any business that could sustain you even for a while? Think about the emotional turmoil you will pass through; the longer you have stayed on the job the more painful it becomes. And the question again is why are you doing this to yourself? Job security, you will say until your employer throws you out and then you will realize that the security has been an illusion, it never existed. You might probably toy with the idea of engaging in legal battle if your employer sacked you without cogent reason. But before you do, you must consider the years it might take you to fight and win (that is if you win at all) the legal battle.

Disadvantages Imposed By The So Called Job Security

Over time your belief and trust about job security erodes away your initiatives and creativity. Take it or you leave it, you no longer have a mind of your own as you are bound to do the bid and will of your employers irrespective of your view and idea. Except few employments that allow you to express yourself and use your ideas, even in such environment you are still limited by rules and regulations.

More so, when you are new on a job, you might acquire knowledge and skill that you never possess before but as time goes on and you are accustomed to carrying out your daily routine on the job, your growth comes to a stand still or it slows down tremendously. The drive that has been occasioned by the challenge of learning new skills which drove you to optimal performance in the first place is no longer there. And unless your employer moves you to another location or department that offers you greater challenge, you will not grow beyond the level you are. The danger here is that if the knowledge you acquired on your job is a very specialized one and your company folds up or the employer throws you out for one reason or the other, then whatever growth you have attained would be useless and you will need to learn another skills to be relevant and earn yourself a living elsewhere.

The higher security your job seems to offer; the more demanding your job would be and the more you are at the mercy of your employer. This translates to the fact that you will be spending most of your time with the same people, your colleagues in the office, day in, day out and would hardly have time to interact with people that matters outside your job who could positively affect your life tremendously.

The Best Alternative

The best you could do for yourself is to avoid selling your time for money; devise a system that would make you money even when you are not there. You must let your money work for you and don’t spend all your life working for money. The former allows you the freedom to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. This is the secret of the rich; when your money works for you, you are creating residual income for yourself and your children. The latter enslaves you forever and perpetuates you in a job with a security that is not there. What an illusion!

I cringe whenever I see old people that ought to be at home enjoying with their families, cruising the world together, been abused by their employer, who is often time much younger. Simply because they failed to do what they are supposed to do when they are much younger. Every of our inaction and indecision today is a mortgage of our freedom and enjoyment in future.

Recently I was discussing with a man who was obviously in his fifties and was facing been retrenched in an industry that was downsizing and the man told me he would have loved to quit his job before he would be asked to go but he had no savings and has lots of responsibilities to take of. More so, he hardly had time for himself because of his job that was very demanding.
Then it dawn on me that people have wrong perception about starting their own business; they believe their problem is that of money rather than the problem of idea and the desire to work for self. Even in this internet age that people can make substantial income on the internet 24/7/365.

This also bring us to the issue of the skills and experience you have acquired on your job over the years, can it serve you when you leave your job? Can you sell your job experience to people when you retire or does it retire with you? What have you learn while on your job that could serve others and make them pay you money? What knowledge do you possess outside your job that people would be willing to pay you for? You need to brainstorm and come up with that unique skill or knowledge you have which you could refine and translate into money. You come up with a laudable idea, you will be attracted to people that would give you the money.

What You Must Do
In other to live the life of your dream and have the true freedom to do whatever you want to do; you must dump every thing you have been told about starting your own business that is not true. Some of them are:

I have little or no money to start my own business. I have talked about this earlier on, but the truth is that often time the problem is not of money but of idea. If you have a sound idea and you are very passionate about it and you present it to the right people with such enthusiasm that infect them; they would be more than willing to give you their money. You might need to approach lots of people before you can get one that would truly support you, the key advice here is that you must not give up at a little resistance of refusal. If one person refuses you, simply go to another.

What if I fail? The truth is if you are afraid of failure you won’t start your own business and you will miss out on the freedom and affluence it brings in the long run. Failure is one of the hallmarks of the highly successful people. The more you fail the more your likelihood of succeeding. But it would be absolute insanity if you keep on doing something same way and expect to get different result. In other words, learn form your failures and use that to move ahead. Seek out the advice of those who have successfully traveled the path you are embarking upon. Tap into their unique experience and save yourself lots of frustrating time and distress even if you have to pay for such knowledge, please do.

I don’t have the time; I am too busy on my job. The truth is that you must create the time for yourself. When you make your financial freedom a priority, you will create the time for it. Starting your own business offers you security than any job because no one can throw you out. Why do you want to enrich your employer at the expense of yourself and your family? Can your job guarantee you and your children a successful future? What if you are sack today, can you and your family survive it? No? Fine! Then get up and create the time to build the life of freedom you crave for and truly deserved. If for nothing at all, just do it for the sake of your family!
You can start doing something on a part time and build up until you can conveniently leave your job and fully managing your own business and start investing in businesses that would give you residual income. If you don’t wake up from your slumber now and you still immersed yourself in the believe that you are secured by your job; then it will be too late by the time your employer decided he needs younger and more productive employees and is kind enough to show you the out!

I can’t stand the rigors of handling employees’ insurgency. Granted employees are some times difficult set of people to manage. But who says you must engage in business that involves physical management of other people?
These days you could set up business that would not require you to manage people and your income would still be in the six figure bracket. That is why many people today are taking the advantage of the internet to enrich themselves and you will be doing yourself a lot of good if you can key into the opportunity such technology offers and start your own online business. Even offline, you can still engage in some businesses without going through the headache of managing people.

The time is not ripe yet; I still need to gather more experience. There is no perfect time to start your own business than now and you will definitely gather the experience as you forge ahead in your own business. Besides, the current experience on your job might be of little or no benefit to the business you have in mind and the best thing is to get started now on your own business and learn the ropes, make the mistakes, learn your lessons and move ahead rather than wasting your productive years to enrich someone else and be left in the cold at your old age. And if you need training on a particular skill in order that you could get started on your own business, please go ahead and don’t procrastinate.

Finally, take the courage today and start your own business because it offers you the best security than any job could offer irrespective of what you are earning on the job. The security there is a mere illusion. WAKE UP!

What Level Of Trust Should Be Allowed In Relationship?

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 21:30:00 +0000

Relationship thrives on trust; otherwise such relationship is doomed right from the start? As I was ruminating over the issue of trust in relationship and its attending effects, I could not help wondering the level of trust that should be allowed in any relationship. When considering the fact that there are many pretexts in most relationships today with effects such as heartbroken, hurts and the extreme cases like suicide and murder, one might be tempted to conclude that trust should not be allowed in a relationship. But wouldn’t that rather be a hash and hasty judgment? And if we say that relationships should enjoy certain level of trust; then we have the problem of how to accurately measure the level of trust that must be allowed. To be able to do this, we should be able to answer the following questions in the affirmative and with conviction: Can you say exactly what you spouse or partner is or would be doing when you are not together for a day, a week, a month and probably a year? What kind of people would he/she be hanging out with at such period? When answering these questions, you must consider the unpredictability of human behaviour that is embedded in all of us. That tendency to always satisfy “self” is rooted in us and at every slightest opportunity we have the urge to manifest it especially when prodded.

When a man says to a woman, or vice-versa, that “I love you with all my heart”, how often does he/she meant exactly what he/she said? That statement could mean “I want you all for myself and won’t share you with anyone else”. Don’t be surprised that he/she might still say the same thing to another woman/man a few meters away from you or pass a body language to such person when you are not watching or away from hearing distance! If you happen to find out, especially where you have placed absolute trust in your spouse or partner, how would you react? Fight, suicide or even murder? None of these is impossible. Now compare this to where you have always given room for unpredictability in the other person’s behaviour. Of course, you will still be hurt or heartbroken but the impact would definitely be less severe.

Personal experience:
I had a very promising relationship a few years back and trusted the woman in my life then. As at that time the relationship has reached the point that we were even considering marriage. At a point in time she had to leave for another town in search of greener pasture and greater opportunities and usually come home during festivities or once in a while as time permitted her. All that while, I had no doubt of her love for me and I trusted her with all my heart to the point that I boasted of her fidelity whenever any issue related to that arose between me and my friends. And for this, my friends liked her a lot and wish they could have a woman like her.

Then during one Christmas time, she came home and requested that I accompany her to her friend’s house which I obliged. After some time, I left her there and returned home because she was deeply engrossed in tête-à-tête with her friend and my presence was obviously not needed any longer. That was okay by me because it has been long she saw that her friend last.
On getting home, it was a little bit boring and out of nothing to do, I accidentally picked up her hand bag that she had left on the bed. It was accidental, because it was not my practice to peep into her handbags or any other woman’s bag. And she had unintentionally left the bag there, as she confessed later.

I wasn’t really looking for any particular thing in the bag but alas! My heart skipped several beats and I was panting and had to ease myself twice when I brought out two letters that clearly indicted her of infidelity that she couldn’t later on denied! Right there and then I knew that men are far more jealousy than women. Let’s face it, some men could kill in such situation and some had actually killed. There were goose pimples all over my body and I was boiling inside while waiting for her to return from her friend’s place.

Meanwhile, when she suddenly remembered the implicating letters in her bag where she was, and consequently raced down to my place and immediately she saw my face she knew the cat had been let out the basket. And trust women with their antics! She instantly went on her knees and started begging me while she gave feeble excuses that she too knew did not hold water with me.
I had to forgive her then because of certain things I considered but I couldn’t brought myself to forget the incident and every time I remembered, especially whenever she was away, I became hurt as if the incident just happened. No doubt that incident had eroded a chunk of my love and trust for her.

Consequently, after series of other events, which is beyond the scope of this article, (not infidelity this time around, at least none to knowledge) we finally separated after six years of being together! Painful? Yes it was, but it was a lot better than sticking together under a non-symbiotic condition for the rest of our lives.
My relationship with her really opened my eyes to what level of trust should be allowed in any relationship I am into and how such relationship should be handled. Giving room for unpredictability in human behaviour has been my practice ever since. This has been a viable tool I call to use in my personal and business life.

Sincerely, I am of the opinion that if people could adopt such tool, of course the degree of adoption would vary from person to person and from relationship to relationship, then there would be less cases of murder, suicide and psychosis which are fallouts of sore relationships due to breach of trust.

No Saint!
The truth is we are all guilty of this at one point in our life or the other. There are instance that I breached someone’s trust myself, usually in my subsequent relationships. No I weren’t taken revenge on anybody and it was not a kind of pay back. It just h-a-p-p-e-n-e-d!

…your comments are welcomed

When Do You Have To Cheat On Your Spouse?

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby Tee) — Sat, 25 Nov 2006 16:02:00 +0000

Some time ago a friend asked me to accompany him to one of his uncles' house and on getting there we met quite a number of people trying to settle a kind of misunderstanding between the uncle and the wife over the husband's infidelity.

The husbnad while trying to explain reasons for his action emphasised the fact that his wife un-coperating attitudes whenever he demanded for sex is what actually led him to have extra-marital affairs. Trust the women, the wife quickly countered that his demand was becoming unhealthy and unreasonable for her to meet!

After some efforts by those present, the tension over the matter was doused and the wife was pacified and the husband adviced to desist from such act of infidelity.

However, later on that day, I became thoughtful over the matter and asked myself several questions such as:

*Is a partner justified for infidelity if his/her spouse should refuse his/her sex advances?
*Can a man or woman be truly satisfied with one partner?
*When a man or woman is cheationg on his/her partner, does he/she still truly love the other person?
*Can true love overlook infidelity?
*Who truly benefit from the act of infidelity, the cheating partner or the third party?
*Can infidelity be permitted in an unhealthy relationship?
*Can a cheating spouse/partner be forgiven at all?
*How can a cheating partner/ spouse be truly forgiven?

I know some people out there have insatiable appetite for sex that they would sleep with anything in skirt withou any thought for morality or what have you.

In wrapping up this post, when was the last time you cheated on your spouse?
Tough question? Think about it