Burnt Orange Scrubs - A Doctor's Foray into the World of Sickness and Health

2019-07-23T17:09:00.000-05:00

originally wrote a long entry but deleted it just now. kind of pulling myself back together. its weird not being a trainee anymore. it's a lot of adjustment. more tired than I was before, but some aspects are better.

i wanted to thank everyone who left comments of support on this blog. i have nothing positive to say about those who had nothing constructive or supportive to say. maybe those people will find happiness and stop being like that.

thought about shutting down here, but maybe there are others who will be struggling and they need to know someone like me can get through it.

2019-06-10T21:31:00.001-05:00

Going to arrange my time off to be 2 weeks straight or more. That way I guess I don't get into leave of absence problems

2019-06-03T06:11:00.001-05:00

About to drive home. Have vacation starting soon. Thought a lot about just taking my dog in my car and never coming back. Never feel rested or better after time off. Probably made a mistake with my life. Maybe it's the place. Maybe it's the specialty. Weighing options. I know I do want to be somewhere different. Thanks for reading

2019-05-20T05:49:00.001-05:00

This almost feels like having an illness that will be with me forever. Concerned about telling anyone because of potential professional consequences. Wish I could talk to some people and find out how they got through things i

2019-05-20T05:47:00.001-05:00

2019-05-01T17:12:00.001-05:00

Feel empty and tired. I don't think I'm who I used to be anymore. I see all these blog entries and interviews by doctors and they seem so happy. I don't know how they can truly be happy when everything you do is evaluated for some kind of metric. I feel that if I stay in medicine I'm going to become some replaceable worker managed by people who aren't doctors. They'll just care about length of stay and press ganey scores and just be harsher to us. I remember someone telling me about a doctor who was let go by a hospital because he was discharging them appropriately and not keeping them for longer like his peers so the hospital could bill more.

Medicine isn't what I thought it'd be and i think about walking away from it a lot. I'm sure I could figure out a way to pay off my loans somehow.

Lately I've been feeling like some dried out husk. I don't have any interest in people, food, water, music, cars, or traveling anymore. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel better. I just feel like some ragged undead "thing" going about life

2019-04-05T11:28:00.001-05:00

Vacation but doesn't really feel like it. I'm more or less moved in. Left a lot of things pending just from my schedule. Not really feeling like myself. Just want to wake up and have it be 5 years from now.

2019-03-12T06:21:00.001-05:00

Walking home. Haven't felt this exhausted in a long time. The longer I stay in medicine it seems the more I want to leave it. I think about walking away from it often. It's not like anyone would miss me or has been begging me to stay. I could do something different but I guess I'd need more solid plans and probably backup plans. I wish I could be numb to all the bad personalities in medicine, that could make a difference. I often feel like I don't matter as a doctor or person, but there gets to be a lot of paperwork if I want to take time off. I feel like I can't win. I remember being more full of life and personality than the current me. Maybe there isn't wellness in medicine the more I think about it.

2019-03-10T14:49:00.001-05:00

Hardly ever write here anymore or even do anything else than sleep. I think I'm just trying to escape the world by staying in bed. Wish things were different

2019-02-21T06:44:00.001-06:00

Finally have my new place put together. I threw out a lot of things prior to the move after I felt like I wouldn't really need them. Donated most of my clothes and books, things that will get more use instead of being in my closet. I don't really feel like I'm much about possessions anymore. I'd rather just have a few outfits and digital format books. I don't feel like medicine is really right for me at this moment but maybe I should give it more time. I already threw a lot of years of my life at it anyway

2019-01-21T11:23:00.001-06:00

I ended up moving. It was more work than I thought. I thought a new place for a new year would be a good idea. I haven't looked at any comments that might have been left so I apologize.

2018-12-03T05:09:00.001-06:00

What I hope is for time to pass quickly. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and be done with residency. Just need to get through it

2018-11-14T21:43:00.001-06:00

Got pretty sick so I haven't been writing. Kept going to work sick. Wish I could just sleep things away and wake up and things would be better. Don't feel like I'm enjoying everything and thriving like some people look like. Saw a case of mistreatment but I couldn't do anything about it. At least there's no stopping the clock. A day at a time

2018-10-22T06:00:00.001-05:00

I wonder where I go from here. I feel like I've found a path in a dark forest and I'm wandering along it. A little less lost.

I have a friend who I think might be doing worse than me. I talk to them a few times a week and I don't know how to help them. Nothing I say really helps them. I recommended professional help but I don't think they've had the time for it.

I've also been feeling nostalgic. Not even for very far back but thinking about being at home with family the past few years. It feels like the periods between time off get longer and longer. I just want that peace again.

I read some quote the other day that says not to let words control how you feel, because then that means people are controlling you. It makes sense. I think now I only stay affected for a long time about 25% of how much I previously used to. I dread everyday of work and the people around me echo what I feel from time to time.

I really just want to get away from here. Thank you everyone who is still reading my entries. I feel like a lot of you are the stars at night, out there providing light and guidance.

Sick

2018-09-30T21:45:00.000-05:00

I feel emotionally sick. I feel unwell. I feel dread, and feel too weak to face the rest of residency. If I get through it, I feel like I'll just barely scrape by.

I'm almost always scared of just having a breakdown. But since I've never really had one, I guess my chances are good to not have one. I skipped dinner and don't really know when the next time I'll want to eat is going to be. I just foresee one of those bad moods where I just don't want to put forth an effort for myself.

Just with what I've gone through these past years, I don't feel proud of myself. Residency has damaged my sense of self-worth, and I'm someone who used to have a lot of will to persevere. I'm not proud of being a doctor. I have no joy in my work. There's a mountain of loans behind me I'm paying off, living paycheck to paycheck.

I guess years of being told you're not good enough and being made to feel inadequate are getting to me.

Medicine is an abusive world and I've heard of much worse situations than the one I'm in from other people. The long hours, the low pay, the high stress, the anxiety of living up to expectations, getting torn down by people I work with over the course of years does nothing to help me. There were times I thought it made me stronger, but it was just me swallowing poison and becoming slightly resistant to it.

My posts are probably hard to read. They're probably fragmented and jump around from topic to topic. That's just what happens with expressive writing, I guess. I just wanted to talk about that briefly as I've been self-conscious about it almost daily.

For the person who a long time ago commented I'm brave for writing this blog, thank you. I want to be like those people at work who just let everything bead off of them and at least outwardly look like they're unfazed and nothing bothers them and they're just so over everything.

If anything, I just feel like those artists or musicians or whatever that are known for doing what they do, but just suffer deeply in a dark world they can't escape.

I really want to be the person who says "Hey, accept me for the way I am. I'm also sick of this place" and then no one bothers them. I think that might be what I need to do to survive. I think I need to say "You know what, I'm sick of being treated like this." The only problem is I'd likely get disciplined and have my reputation damaged. There are people I know who the attendings have problems with and you don't stop hearing about it. But then they seem to be progressing through the program, so I guess it can't be that damaging.

I guess you can be sad and allow yourself to be chipped away at until you become dust, or you can find something to make you stronger. I think you might just have to meet the aggression you're unfairly given.

But then I guess not, because I don't think that would realistically help anything or anyone. It would just lead to the escalation of problems. I guess you do have to just let yourself get chipped away at just wait until you have time to glue yourself back together.

I guess I will be passive and try to repair myself when I can, and just find ways to be strong. I feel alone in a storm. I'm a doctor, but I feel like someone forgotten in a dark, rainy night, repeating things to myself to make me feel like I have something to hold onto or look forward to.

I wish this darkness would pass.

2018-09-24T06:05:00.001-05:00

I feel like my last post wasn't that long ago, but it's nearly been a month. I felt depressed driving to work and thinking about how I need more time off just to be away from things. I wish I have done things differently in my life

2018-08-30T06:25:00.001-05:00

I have about a week off coming up where I plan to just pack my dog and things and go on a trip. I think the feeling of movement and just getting away from where I live helps me cope. I got my dog a special car seat and we're just going to find a nice place to go on long walks.

I just want to be away from everything in silence and peace. Maybe I can find a creek to sit by and just coalesce back into a whole person for a while.

I wish my trips could last forever.

2018-08-27T06:14:00.001-05:00

It's been a rough past few months as usual. I don't know if things are really getting better, but I know I'm not really happy as a person. The long hours and disrupted sleep patterns maybe aren't so bad, but the work environment pushes me to want to leave medicine all together.

I don't think it'd be smart to share what kind of things are said or done to me, but I feel like if I worked in a different job, it'd be considered hazing. Nothing I can do will change anything because I'm just some temporary unimportant trainee.

Last week was terrible. Really the only good things in my life are my dog and the fact I'm eating healthier and don't nearly drink as much anymore (I started back up but now it's only two beers going out with people I know).

I wake up early and drive to work just thinking about how people are going to to treat me. The hurt just piles up, but no one cares. I try hard on this blog to be professional and not swear. It's pretty hard. I don't know if I'm just at the wrong program or just in the wrong field. What gets me down the most is that I'm safe, cautious, and reasonable, but people just literally are snide and mean to be over nothing that affects the patient. I guess I've taken this much abuse and I can take more. I mean, I have to.

2018-08-16T19:43:00.000-05:00

I feel pretty irritable today and feel like everything is just winding me up. Things that don't bother me are starting to get to me, like things that are slightly out of place or my big list of things to do, youtube videos, even music I like.

I usually don't feel a certain way without a reason. I've been exercising and eating better and hardly drinking any alcohol or coffee.

I think I just need a change of scenery or something. I went on a few short road trips by myself a while ago and that was cool. I like driving and just going somewhere with minimal belongings and life distractions. Just gotta get rid of this weird feeling.

2018-08-09T06:33:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to get myself to write a little more consistently. Lately I've been falling asleep as soon as I get home on a regular work day or post call, without much time left to do anything else, except for taking care of my dog.

I think I take better care of my dog than myself, honestly. She seems like the only good part of my life right now, since she's just a happy, comforting, loving dog. We take a lot of naps together. She just wants to see me and go on walks and I just want to be there taking care of her.

When I'm at work, I can't help but feel like being someone else. I wish I could start over and have a different identity and different career. It's an escapist dream. I think of life being better and me being a positive person, I think of not being around people who make me feel bad about myself and take their stress out on me.

I'm waiting for a positive, major transition phase in my life. I'm not sure what it would be, but I wouldn't mind if it helped me get through these days.

2018-08-06T06:10:00.001-05:00

I woke up the other day thinking I'm meant to be happy.

I think this is the lowest point of my life even though I'm spending it helping take care of people.

2018-08-03T09:45:00.001-05:00

I'm disillusioned with my medical training. I was expecting to be around people who engage with you meaningfully to help you become a better doctor but 90% of my interactions are being checked on to see if I charted something a certain way or prescribed a certain thing yet.

My training feels like independent study when I feel like it shouldn't be, especially with critically ill patients. But things won't change. They've been this way for decades.

Current mood

2018-07-31T21:59:00.001-05:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vID8NfO561o

Things are somewhat better, though I feel I can never be rested enough while balancing studying and self care and bills and every other responsibility. The other day I felt like I saw a light on the surface of a vast, dark sea that has been my training in medicine. I think I might be able to reach it.

A collection of thoughts

2018-07-24T10:15:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to be strong but I don't think things are getting as easy as I want them to be within reason for this type of job. I'm a better doctor now but the work environment hasn't improved.

Some things might actually get better, though, because I have time off coming up.

I no longer worry about sleeping the day away on days off because each day leaves me feeling like an orange that has had all its juice squeezed out.

I just like being in the dark by myself or with my dog next to me in silence or with music that makes me feel better because I'm overstimulated on a daily basis.

I don't really feel a connection with my peers at work because they never really say much to me in conversation. I guess they don't know what to say.

I feel like the blog readers connect with me better, for being strangers. Maybe people in person don't like to talk about their challenges. I've had more support through my blog than I've had in person, maybe for that reason, maybe for some others.

Medicine has really taken a toll on me in ways I've been describing for months. I don't know if the psychological or physical toll has been the worst. I just know I've really been changed. Often, I imagine looking through a window observing my past self, younger and with actual balance between work and life. I had night shifts but they weren't as long or intense as what I have now.

So far, I'd say things are somewhat more of a bad dream than a nightmare, for reasons I can describe later. Maybe things will just become like a neutral dream.

Someone once told me regarding residency "They can abuse you all they want, but remember it's just temporary."

Seems like a very long time ahead of me, but I think I just need to take things a week or a month at a time depending on how exhausting and trying things get.

I need to continue to write so people can know what being a doctor is like, and that many of us have a difficult time. I never thought medicine would be easy, but I never thought there'd be so many things like personalities and administrative things that would wear me out even more on top of the work related stress.

Thank you for reading

2018-07-13T04:44:00.001-05:00

I just need one day off to stay in bed and recover. I can't believe how tired I am. I've been going to work sick and barely getting through it. I can barely drive in the mornings before 5am. Going to be a long time before rest