By Nicole

Another Level

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 27 Sep 2021 06:22:00 +0000

We are in the book of Daniel in Sunday School this week, and even after reading twice, taking notes, and preparing by reading the historical context and commentary, I was still caught off guard by another realization, right in the middle of class. This isn't an epiphany for me, but it hit different (as my son would say) today.

There is so much going on around us that we can't see or sense.

Long ago, I completed a Bible study by Jennifer Kennedy Dean about prayer life. One illustration I remember so well was her explanation of the spectrum of things we can't comprehend. Light, for example. Of all the types of light, humans can only detect a fraction. Same with sound. Our bodies are incredible things, but humans truly are limited in what they can detect with the five senses. Things we can't sense that animals can, for example, still aren't even part of the spiritual realm. At least, we think so. My dog hasn't ever stopped and been like, "woof - angel at 2 o'clock." It's easy to pretend that all we see is all there is, but that just isn't true. Maybe I read too many Frank Peretti books as a pre-teen, but this reminder is always sobering for me.

Our prayer life has a direct link to God and impacts the spiritual realm.

Daniel was an incredible guy, and if I could only give him one kudo, I would pick his faithfulness to prayer. That man understood the power of a praying life. He was so committed to intercessory prayer and a life of petition that it's hard for me to comprehend. And, if he ever needed a reminder, God confirmed it for him again and again. God shut the mouths of lions (Daniel 6:22). God brought kings to their knees (Daniel 4:34, 6:25). God gave him interpretations (Daniel 2:28, 4:24, 5:17) and visions (Daniel 2:19, 7:1, 8:1, 10:1). The dude had an angel tell him, face to face, that his prayers had started work in the heavenly realm (Daniel 9:23, 10:12). I can't even fathom one of those things happening in my life, let alone all of them.

Don't I (don't we) want to be a part of this?

We are no less than Daniel. In fact, we have the Holy Spirit living inside of us, ready and waiting to unleash phenomenal things for the glory of God. We just need to be faithful. I just need to be faithful. I need to take my prayer life seriously. I'm not a captive. I'm not under persecution. I've got a pretty cushy life. No excuses, just too many creature comforts. The class I led today was definitely for me too. I want to be a part of this. I want to level up.

Bubbling Up

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 02 Aug 2021 06:00:00 +0000

There's something percolating in my heart. A dark, thick brew taking it's time to drip through all the filters.

There's fermentation happening. I can feel the bubbles starting as the yeast in my brain starts working its way through aha moments, the epiphanies as delicious as sugar syrup.

It's been too many years since I wrote anything, outside of typing up Bible study notes or prep for a class. Recent events keep pulling me back, making me yearn to get it down, tap it out, share it with someone.

I'm a bottler by nature, and I'm sure I've blogged about those moments before.

You know.

The ones where I'd held it all in and then it came spewing out. All over the kitchen and the living room, catching my husband off-guard and leaving me sobbing and spent, sheepishly explaining that it had nothing to do with the overflowing sock basket or the unrinsed coffee cups.

This isn't the kind of stuff that should be bottled or hidden in the back of the closet with the skeletons and baby blankets.

There are things that need brought into the light.

As I spend time processing and preparing, trying to make sure this doesn't spew out and hit the ceiling, tell me - are you here for it? Can we have some conversations about hard things? Hurts caused by those we should trust? Wounds we inflame by unintentionally applying false teachings? Scars we keep covered because someone hurt us and we were told we deserved it?

We have to start looking deeper. Past what we think we understand about God and the Church. We need to have conversations about context and corruption.

I was two days into setting up a whole separate blog - thinking I needed a fresh start, but I think I'm good right here. God's got me on a different tightrope right now, and I need to trust Him as we cross over the unknown.

Thank you for letting me be cryptic and hopefully joining me on this ride.

Untitled -

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 06:44:00 +0000

For as long as I have been blogging, I've held onto the secret desire to make something of myself by writing. Live the dream, right?

One perfect post, and I'd be rolling in publishing offers and signing parties.

Well, not that extreme. But, you know, quit my day job. Have a substantial social media presence. Be the woman other women want to be. Hold my own with Beth Moore and Jen Hatmaker and Sarah Bessey and Jennie Allen. Move to Texas or Canada and just be another IT Christian momma like the women I secretly ADORE.

And... then there is real life, and writer's block, and horrible tragic things that threaten to suck the very soul from the core of my being.

2016 is not a year I want to relive.

So many good things, but so many bad, dark days at the end.

The one thing I know for sure about being a Christian is that God never promised an easy road. Jesus made it pretty darn clear we would have troubles...that things would be hard. And, even though my life is so blessed and so full, I have felt such pain this past year that I'm pretty sure I lost my voice for a while. I was certain no one could see anything different about my life. Even if I wanted, I couldn't begin to type or write or post a single thing on any social media site. I really, honestly started to wonder if I wasn't any different. If my faith was so great, why was I hurting so badly?

Part of me doesn't know where I'm going with this. I only know that I need to ramble, to vent, to let the three readers I have know that I'm still around and I'm still trusting in God, even though the end of last year sucked. A lot. And even in the drama and the pain and frustration and stress, I am blessed beyond measure, full and still needing to pour out somehow.

One of my favorite books of all time is Unconditional by Brian Zahnd. I've held it close and never shared my dogeared, sticky noted copy... except to make reference in a 10 Top Favorite post or something similar on Facebook a long time ago. But this year, 2017 - the year that promises better things than last year, we started a Book Challenge at work. Whoever wrote the challenge is biased... so I'm stuck reading a Bronte AND an Austen. Gag me with a spoon. But, yay for culture, right?

ANYWAY, I'm sharing and recommending some of my favorite books. Unconditional being one of them. And Crazy Love. And hopefully a few more entirely different, fantastic, futuristic, apocalyptic love stories along the lines of the Lunar Chronicles, which have nothing to do with Jesus and everything to do with destressing and losing my mind in space or a barren Earthscape.

I've found that when I am stressed and struggling to communicate, I lose myself in a book. Regrettably, usually not the Bible... at least, not as often as I should. I read to lose my mind and forget real life. But this year, in addition to the book challenge, I'm spending more time in God's Word. More time realizing I don't have it a tenth as bad as Joseph or Daniel or Paul or Job. Realizing that everything I need to know is found in that blessed Book, just waiting to speak to me. Waiting to give me greater hope, greater peace, greater love and the ability to forgive.

And just when I thought my life wasn't full of light. Just when I thought I didn't have it in me to be a witness when things suck. Just when I started to question it all...people started questioning me. A woman I hold so very dear asked about the Bible. I gave her my favorite book and the truth and unfathomable beauty and peace of radical forgiveness is speaking. Louder than ever I hoped. I'm watching doors open wide left and right. People I never expected are asking me questions and noticing something different. Which is straight crazy right now, since I truly wasn't sure about my ability to shine any sort of light.

There is still a struggle. The enemy is still trying to get me and others I love so very much. I'm still watching that happen. But, I'm in continually in AWE of the way God uses tragedy and hurt to heal and restore.

I might not be able to formulate a logical post. I might never write a book. And I certainly won't be moving to Texas or Canada... even this year... but I am planning on continuing to trust my God to overcome it all. Because HE is the Light in me. It's not my strength, it is His. He helps me forgive. He is the One who heals. He is the One doing it all.

Lord knows I can't do it on my own.

Showing Skin and Shining Light

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Fri, 23 Sep 2016 08:32:00 +0000

I'm sitting here tonight knee deep in procrastination... or neck deep.. I'll know for sure tomorrow morning when I see my mess for what is truly is. I'm supposed to be planning for a health and wellness bit this Saturday at a women's conference, but my mind won't sit still and focus. Too many other thoughts rolling around in my head, and I don't want to get stuck on a women's lib rant on Saturday when I should be talking about self-care and healthy things. (I'm also awake at midnight on my second spoonful of Nutella, which leads me to believe I am utterly unqualified to talk to anyone about health or wellness.)

This past week, prepping for our Personal Appearance discussion in my girls' group and having subsequent conversations afterward, I've spent a lot of time mulling over how God really feels about women and our appearance. How does what Jesus said fit in with the message the church so often sends girls and women? Do the women of the Bible fit the mold we've been told God made for us? Are we all supposed to strive to be the perfect Proverbs 31 wife and fight back shame and guilt when we realize we can't but the rest of the women in our church must already be because no one ever talks about anything dark and horrible in their lives? I'm digressing, but I'll circle back.

Once again, the curriculum I have is mostly LAME. And for the first time this past week, I read a phrase in my leader's guide that screamed nothing else but 'rape culture'. I seriously shook the page and yelled, "Are you SERIOUS?!" I've fought the urge to write letters to the publisher about this for quite a few years, and I never have... but I think I've met my straw. When we as delicate, modest Christians continually tell girls that showing too much skin or overly defining their curves is sinful because it will cause a boy to have lustful thoughts, we are furthering a rape culture mindset. Do I think girls or women should dress seductively? No. I definitely don't choose to. *Side note: curves aren't an issue for me, so I don't honestly know what it would be like if I had to try to cover them up. But some girls do. And those girls shouldn't feel like their inability to always hide their curves means they are the ones at fault when a boy looks at them with lust in his heart and sins.

Here's the thing. Here's what I told my girls on Wednesday, and what I will continue to tell them, and what I will continue to tell my daughter and her friends and any other girl who will listen. If a boy looks at you and has lustful thoughts... no matter what you are wearing, that. is. his. sin. Not yours. If he can't control his mind, control his heart, avert his eyes, control his actions. That. Is. His. Sin. And you are not guilty for his thoughts or actions. EVER.

We talked about clothing choices and modesty and intention. And we all agreed. It's a heart thing. It's a vanity thing. If a girl intentionally wears something to attraction attention, to appear sexy, to seduce a boy, whatever you want to call it... then that is her sin. And that is where her sin and her guilt and her part in this stops.

It should never be implied that a woman who can't effectively hide her curves is asking to be harassed. A girl should never be made to feel it was her fault she was raped because she chose to wear a short skirt at a party. The church should NEVER tell a girl that she is guilty for the lustful thoughts a boy thinks when he sees her in a tank top. Because once we do, that girl will never speak up when she is violated. She will blame herself for being molested. She will cry herself to sleep every night for years because if she hadn't worn that dress and had too much to drink that night she never would have been raped. And it must have been her fault because of her skin and her curves and her body. And it must have been her fault because that's what everyone, including the church, has told her all her life. We have to wake up. We all have skin. And women have breasts (which usually create curves). God made us that way.

The way a woman is dressed does not give everyone around her license to decide her intent. If a girl didn't effectively cover her curves, we shouldn't assume she is looking for attention. The way we treat someone shouldn't be based on their attire.

True to form, I'm going to end up back on my favorite Biblical topic: prostitutes. harlots. colorful, scandalous women. I love them so much. And I love that God loved them. And redeemed them. And I can't find a single passage in the Bible where He gave the okay for anyone to hurt or violate them.

There are few stories in the Bible that bring me to tears faster than the story of the adulterous woman (John 8). Every time I envision Jesus writing in the sand, facing off the Pharisees, and then turning to a woman who must have been a hot, sobbing mess, I just wanna bawl my eyes out. He NEVER condemned her. He offered her forgiveness and the chance to change her life and leave her sin.

Joshua's men didn't violate Rahab even though she was a prostitute and was probably "asking for it". They treated her with respect and kept their promise when she gave her word to help them in return for the safety of her family (Joshua 2).

Tamar intentionally tricked Judah by posing as a prostitute (Genesis 38). But he acknowledged her righteousness despite the deception, and he never touched her again... even though she must have "wanted it".

The woman at the well was a Samaritan (John 4). She had been married five times and was shacking up with someone else. Obviously a hussy. Jesus shared with her the He was the Messiah, and she believed him. When the disciples returned and saw Jesus talking with "that kind" of woman, none of them treated her with disrespect or disdain.

I could probably go on and on. But I'm going to circle back around instead...

We didn't just talk about those stories. We digressed to the messed up world of the Old Testament, with the incest and prostitutes and horribly straight family trees. And we concluded that today's world isn't any different.

We had a candid, awkward, somewhat disgusting conversation, and I hope they all left feeling as giddy and free as I did. This world is dark and ugly and terrifying, but we have a Hope and a Redeemer who has defeated it all.

And He loves us for us, as we are now.

Hot, sobbing messes. Nutella-eating insomniacs. He created us in His image, and any wrongs done to us by others are not our sin, not our fault and not our burden. He can take that from us and free us from the weight.

I had a second conversation this week with someone struggling to identify with Proverbs 31 at all. Struggling to fit a mold and be a part of the picture we sometimes want to paint of Christian women, Christian families. I would so love to have a clean house and ships with cloth, woven by yours truly, headed to the merchants, but it just isn't going to happen. I'm a hot mess. I stay up too late and sneak chocolate. I struggle with shame for what has happened in my life. I've spent years trying to nail my guilt to the cross and leave it there. And I wish more of us would be unafraid to speak it out. To yell our redemption loud and clear. There is nothing too dark for God's light to bring out of the shadows.
The Bible is full of those examples too.

King David was a man after God's own heart. He loved God more than his own life... but he was also a hot mess. He sent a man to his death because he coveted that man's wife. David's children were messed up too. David's son raped his own sister. The royal family of Israel had some major problems.

Samuel was a prophet of God, a leader in Israel, and his sons were complete idiots, struck down by God for their evil.

Jacob loved God, but he also tricked his dad and his brother. Karma is real, because Jacob's kids tricked him and sold one of their brothers to slave traders. And Judah (one of Jacob's sons) was tricked by Tamar (see above)... it's so awesome!

The list of skeletons in Old Testament closets goes on forever.

Humanity has been a hot mess from the beginning. And I truly believe the Bible tells us these things because God desperately wants us to understand that there is nothing too dark, too horrible, too shameful for Him to redeem. Jesus' sacrifice covered it all. His Grace covers it ALL. Even the horrific things we are afraid to talk about in church. The horrible things we don't even want to admit to ourselves. The twisted questions we want to ask but will never find the right Bible study for.

We are listening to Lauren Daigle's "How Can It Be" every Sunday at church this fall, and I can't listen to more than three lines of that song without completely losing my cool. It's my sobbing song.

This song says everything I feel in my darkest moments and everything I know to be true even when it's hard to believe. We struggle to comprehend the grace of God.It's almost impossible to understand, even with so many Biblical illustrations. The last thing I ever want to do is add legalism or contribute to someone's shame or guilt by what I say or how I treat them.

More than anything, I want to be able to walk in my freedom and show others how great it is when the guilt is gone. We don't have to be ashamed of what God's light might find in the shadows because it's already gone. Covered. Forgiven.

I am guilty

Ashamed of what I've done, what I've become

These hands are dirty

I dare not lift them up to the Holy one

You plead my cause

You right my wrongs

You break my chains

You overcome

You gave Your life

To give me mine

You say that I am free

How can it be

I've been hiding

Afraid I've let you down, inside I doubt

That You still love me

But in Your eyes there's only grace now

You plead my cause

You right my wrongs

You break my chains

You overcome

You gave Your life

To give me mine

You say that I am free

How can it be

Though I fall, You can make me new

From this death I will rise with You

Oh the grace reaching out for me

How can it be

Even the Prostitute

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 07:26:00 +0000

Last week, I was blessed with extra time one afternoon to over prepare for my Wednesday night girls group. Because the curriculum is slightly outdated and somewhat LAME, I generally choose to redo it. I am tragically inconsistent, but every once in a while God steps in and helps me out.

We have been talking about college and career. True to my expectations of these lessons, everything was a little too... ugh... for me.

Now, I'm an M.Ed in Guidance and Counseling, pro-college, pro-life planning, pro-education type of girl. But I also am acutely aware of how often we package our expectations and try to align Christian values and a certain level of professional success. Achingly upper-middle class.

I'm also a social worker, culture of poverty, social justice soapbox kind of girl... and I was kind of struggling to rectify it all.

Throughout this unit, I kept feeling like God wanted us to talk about more.... dig deeper. Get a little gritty and real. In my notes I had scribbled -

"God doesn't care as much about what we do as He does about who we become".

Initially, I had been drawn to Rahab. I'm generally drawn to the women in the Bible who don't fit the mold. The ones God redeems. The ones God uses to show us that He loves us no matter what.

I resisted my gut and decided not to focus on how God allowed a prostitute to help with His master plan. Heaven forbid anyone thinks I'm encouraging girls to choose prostitution as a career.... so I listed a bunch of other jobs and names all around her underneath another scribbled question -

"Are there career choices where God can't use someone?"

We covered everything tonight and had amazing conversation... but, true to my gut instinct, we ended up talking about Rahab. In a flurry of excitement, I threw her name out for everyone to think about. There were the snorts of derision about prostitution, and we digressed.

We talked about human trafficking and sex slavery, and how there are still so many women and children sold into this kind of slavery throughout the world. We talked about how God doesn't view the prim and proper middle class Christian woman as any better than the blatant, scandalous, sell-it-on-the-corner prostitute. He loves every. one. We talked about the tendency to get stuck in our mindset and look down our noses at those who chose a lifestyle we have deemed unworthy and illicit. We talked about the absence of choice so many women have in this messed up world and how we can never assume we know someone's heart based on their situation.

My heart aches for my girls to understand to their very core the great love God has for us all. I want to roar when I see those who have been set free contributing to the oppression of the broken or ignoring the agony of the lost. And I am constantly checking myself because I know I am just as guilty. It's so tempting to look the other way.

We skimmed the surface of a murky, ugly mess, and I left a little raw.

Tonight, I came home and read Kristen's newest blog post and sobbed. I love her for her honesty and passion and her commitment to women and children all over the world. I want to be like her when I grow up.

Until then, I'm praying that our honest, gritty, messy conversation tonight... the one that pulled off a few scabs and left my insides aching... left an impression, lit a spark, furthered empathy. Helps them to remember Jesus died for us all.... even the prostitute.

When Bad Days Happen...

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 08 Feb 2016 06:08:00 +0000

Today was a day that will live in infamy in our home. The day the cow escaped and we spent hours and miles looking and chasing and worrying. The day we fell a tree into the goat fence. The day nothing went the way we planned. The day we wanted to throw our hands up and cuss and yell and stomp in the mud and throw tree branches and pout.

Instead we were humbled and reminded of God, who works all things together for the good of those who love Him. We still don't know when those things will start working together for good, but I guess that isn't the point.

The cow is still out. First day in the barn, and he didn't like it, so he leapt over the fence and took off. We saw him twice and couldn't get him to go the way we wanted. Three hours later, we tucked our tails, set out hay and drove away.

Those three hours were supposed to have been spent building a second place for our two smallest pigs, moving Connor's chickens to a better spot, cleaning the house, making granola bars, and meal planning for the week.

Jason barely had time to fall the handful of trees he's been needing to get down. I interrupted him to see about an impromptu evening family run. He literally roped me into helping with one of the trees really quick...

The tree is still on the fence. That wonky alder that has been blocking the sunlight to our garden and leaning a little too close to the chicken coop for far too long gave us a big "I'll show you" on the way down. I didn't want to help, and I hate when we fall trees. Because I was imaging all sorts of improbable and likely completely impossible tragic endings to a simple tree falling, I didn't keep reeling in the cable when I was supposed to, and the tree fell a little too far to the right... right onto the goat fence. Then the chain snapped off Jason's saw.

I'm pretty sure the goats will be out tomorrow too.

Needless to say, our family run was necessary for burning off some steam. We ended with some apologies and breakfast for dinner and family devotions.

If you've ever been through the Jesus Calling devotions, you'll love this next part. February 7 was meant for us.

Why am I so sad? Why am I so upset?

I should put my hope in God.

I should keep praising Him, my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:11

"Sometimes things just don't go the way you expect them to, or even the way you think they should. Bu I have a plan. I also have the Power to take all those unexpected things- even the not-so-good ones- and use them for good in your life."

We laughed until we had tears rolling down our cheeks. What else could we do? We double checked the date, and sure enough... February 7th was today.

Today was a BAD day. It wasn't the worst. But it was pretty suck-tastic. And God knew it would be all along. He also knew today's crappy circumstances weren't going to get better for us by the time we read our devotion. And He knew what we needed to hear.

When BAD days happen, read Psalm 42:11 or Romans 8:28.

And we know that in all things

God works for the good of those who love Him,

who have been called according to His purpose.

I'm staying up tonight to get this all down, knowing full well that tomorrow might not be any better...or even worse. I've already cheated and read February 8th in the devotional. Hopefully, it's not a sign.

So. When your cows get out, or you fall a tree on your goat fence, or something more mundane, but equally crappy, happens... remember, there is a reason. God is working it for good.

And it might be a few days... or longer, before you see the good.

The Que Sera Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Tue, 05 Jan 2016 05:49:00 +0000

This post was fresh in my mind over the holiday. Itching to break free and find life in the interwebs... but, alas, I've been sidetracked by pork dumplings, meatballs, and tree demolition. And my current guiltiest pleasure... Blacklist.

I'm going to digress here and there as I attempt to reawaken the phrases that kept running through my mind. Since the poetry escapes me.. I'm going to say it out right.

This was THE most relaxed, non-stressful Christmas I've EVER had.

EVER.

Since my children and the pressures of grown-up life anyway...

And that, my friends, is a BIG deal. BIG.

Even the hubs agreed and said so to others... which means truth. We had a 4-H party at the house the week before. Family over for dinner on Christmas. My modest home had 25 humans in it at one point on Christmas day, and we all fit. And talked and laughed. And I didn't start breathing funny or have to wave my hands around my face in our closet to calm myself. I set no time for dinner. Jason deep-fried a turkey (which didn't freak me out as much as it normally would have), and we ate when we ate. And it all worked out. And it was good.

We did all the usual things. But without my usual meltdown. There is always some kind of meltdown. The Christmas of 2011 will forever hold the place in history as the Christmas of the most epic meltdown.

But somehow, this year was better. The best. And I failed in many ways. There are still some lingering cards that need sent. I never did bake the cookie plates for the neighbors. They must think we hate them. We didn't make the grandparents calendars. I had to work over "break", which is new this year and would normally have stressed me to the max.

We started the month out with a fantastic trip to Southern California to visit family and take the kids to Disneyland. It rocked because we went without a major agenda, focused on the family time, and spent more time exploring LA and museums and trails than searching for theme parks or famous people. Although, I shamelessly posed in front of Shakira's star on Hollywood Boulevard.
Because, SHAKIRA!

Maybe it was the week off with family free from our usual stressors. Maybe it was our approach to the holiday season. We focused on staying calm and doing what we could do. I made like a duck and let the things I missed roll off my back instead of getting under my skin and causing grief. We que sera'd what needed let be and talked to the kids about not expecting as many gifts because of Cali.

This year, like every year, I wanted my kids to really feel the true meaning of Christmas. I wanted to feel the true meaning of Christmas. When Grady prayed one night, "Please give us the strength to remember Christmas is not about the presents", my heart melted.

Just before bed on Christmas Eve, we read a few Christmas books, including my favorite Nativity story, "This is the Stable", and when I prayed with the kids that night, I broke down in tears... but the good kind of tears. The tears just rolled when the enormity of Baby Jesus hit me and I couldn't breathe imagining the heavenly hosts and the reality of birth in a stable. It's humbling and powerful and indescribable.

And Jason got that look in his eye when he came around the corner and saw me crying for no apparent reason. The PTSD meets "husband who wants to fix things"look. He got a chuckle out of me trying to explain why baby Jesus and the angels was making me cry happy tears.... but I could tell he was relieved.

This was the best Christmas EVER because somehow we let it be what it was.

Now if I can have that attitude for all of 2016...

Rethinking Pro-Life

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 19 Oct 2015 08:13:00 +0000

This is a topic where my insides scream and sob and my fingers can't begin to type what my heart is crying. I just sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, and I don't even know where to begin. So forgive me, because it's messy and raw, and I can't seem to make it all line up like it should.

This is a topic where everyone draws a line and chooses sides and wants it all to be black or white.

This is a topic that has gotten so legalistic and Pharisaical in my Pentecostal Evangelical world that I just want to scream.

We are missing the point.

We are alienating and labeling so many women. So many doctors. So many people. So. Many.

And here I am.

Struggling and sick to my stomach about how to deliver a Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice message to my group of teenage girls. Dreading the topic because I can't wrap my heart around delivering a message clothed in legalism and judgement.

First, I'm going to back up for a minute and clarify a few things.

Do I believe life begins at conception? Yes.

Do I believe abortion is wrong? Yes.

Do I believe God has a plan for every life? Yes.

And that's why I can't.

That's why I can't support arguments that put the majority of the focus on the murder of an unborn child and barely mention God's forgiveness available to every woman who chose abortion. To every doctor who regularly aborts unborn children. To those who make excuses or rationalize choice.

I can't do it.

I can't because when I think of abortion, I don't cry for the baby. My heart rips in two for that girl. That woman who went through it. The one so many want to cast as the unwed she-devil who selfishly chose her life over the life of an innocent child. It's so much easier to judge when we've made up our mind about the sinner ahead of time, isn't it?

But I can't.

I've sat in rooms with women who were contemplating abortion and listened... doing my best to appear unbiased. I've cried with those who have come undone, reliving the abortion they didn't choose to have. I've regretted not being there for friends who went through the procedure without telling me, thinking I would judge them because of my beliefs. I've wept for that baby I never knew... but I've sobbed for the women who had to make that choice.

Here's the thing. We'll just get it out of the way in case anyone is sidetracked by the thought.

I've never had an abortion. I don't truly understand. By the grace of God, my unplanned pregnancy just happened to be with the man I married eight months later.

But God's grace is for us all. Not just me and my less than innocent, but abortionless, past.

And here's the thing I think I am struggling with the most. We profess that our God is omniscient and all-powerful and then bemoan the loss of an innocent life like God had no control over it.

What? Did we just give Planned Parenthood more power than our God?

I'm going to argue something different. I'm going to argue that God knew from conception, that every life lost to an abortion was going to end when it did. That "harlot" didn't foil God's plan. That abortion clinic on the corner isn't single-handedly ridding our world of potential.

I'm going to argue, because I know it to be true... what the enemy intends for evil, God works for good... (Genesis 50:20). I'm going to argue that every tiny soul lost to abortion, God uses for good. My God is stronger than politicians and abortion clinics and legalism and picketers full of hate. My Jesus would never hold a sign and scream "Murderer" to a woman full of fear, walking into a clinic. He would hold out open arms and show her grace. He would draw a line in sidewalk chalk and invite those of us without sin to continue holding our signs (John 8:3-11, loosely translated). And we would have to drop them all and walk away. And He would show her Love. He would show her Grace. And if she chose her abortion any way... He would use it for Good. Because my God is in control. And my God loves with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). He can rebuild us all from the past that has made us crumble.

My Jesus died for the woman who has chosen abortion over and over and is proud to shout it out. My Jesus died for the girl who had her choice made for her over twenty years ago and still cries herself to sleep at night. My Jesus died for the doctor who performs abortions every day. My Jesus died for everyone. His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) and His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).

While there are so many who want to focus on the loss of life, the murder of an unborn child... I'm rejoicing because every one of those babies is in Heaven right now, being loved by their Father. And He is using their death for good. When we focus on crucifying women and doctors and politicians, we aren't really as pro-life as we think we are. If we truly want to be pro-life, we need to love all the lives involved. We need to love that woman, that doctor, that politician, that lobbyist. We need to show forgiveness and open our arms and be Jesus. Because that's what He expects from us. That's why He died for us.

Where sin increased, grace increased all the more... Romans 5:20.

As I write this, my tears are falling for women... I want them to feel His love and forgiveness and be able to walk freely in His Grace, regardless of their past. I want them to know God values their life as much as He values every other life.

As I write this, my tears are falling for my girls. The teens I hope never have to make that choice or have it made for them. The teens I pray learn to love as Jesus loves... with open arms and abundant grace, so they can truly show the world what pro-life means.

Back in the Wheelbarrow

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 10 Aug 2015 08:34:00 +0000

I haven't been in a very good place lately... since my rant of January, I've struggled to find some forward momentum. Work has sucked more than ever. I'm overwhelmed with life and struggling to comprehend the tragedies hitting those who are so dear to me. I'm questioning too much, and spending a lot of time fighting back tears I should probably just let fall.

My fingers are itching to type, and my crazy roller coaster of a mind has surely had some great tracks to record in the last few months... but I just couldn't get the two together. At least not until today. I'm feeling a little nostalgic, so bear with me.

When I originally started blogging, I wanted to be funny... funny homemaker mommy blogger who made jokes about silly things and kids and life. Then I started following lots of amazing women on social media and started feeling the pressure to find a focus... develop a brand. A blog about something. One thing. The thing. The topic that would make me cool and unique. Crap.

That was too much.

I tinkered with fitness. I'm a runner at heart, but I'm not too fast, and I'm not too fit... so...Crap.

Then there's homesteading. We farm. We garden. We forage. We hunt and fish. We build things out of other people's junk. But, we aren't off the grid or homestead-y enough. At least not compared to those people in Mother Earth and Grit and Pioneer... so... Crap.

Aha. Fashion. No... I can't even put all my clothes away, let alone organize them into outfits or get it together enough to do a capsule wardrobe....Crap.

Foodie blog. I can. I make fresh sausage. I bake cakes. I dehydrate everything I don't can. I do all sorts of crazy things with food. But I rarely follow a recipe exactly... and I can't compete with Hank Shaw or Alton Brown. So... Crap.

Well, I could be a Christian mom blogger. I adore Beth Moore. I would die to be featured on (in)courage. But I'm too cynical, and I really like IPA. And I've already said "crap" five or six times in one blog post. yeah...

So.

I don't have a niche. Or a brand. Or a point, really.

That coupled with the fact that I've been kind of an MIA grump lately. I've battled some guilt from my January rant. So much so that I edited my original post about the lost boys. It's not my place to single people out or rally for children's ministry. Nothing I say or blast on the Internet is going to change someone's heart. And it was pretentious and Pharisaical of me to think I had a right to point fingers or jump to conclusions about the status of anyone else's heart for God.

God has been spending the past few months pressing me to look at my own heart. And I've been kind of stubborn about it. He is still working on me... He probably will be until I'm dead. And I'm okay with that, because all I need to be is okay with letting Him be in charge of my life... and my blog.

Today, it was crystal clear that I need to get over not having a niche. I need to be okay with the fact that I will never have a fitness sponsor or my own recipe book or a featured article in Mother Earth. I need to let go of my own agenda and secret desire to have fame and fortune for doing nothing more than living my life and drinking an IPA while I blog about randomness. I need to get my butt back in the wheelbarrow and let God steer me in the right direction

I'm not kidding.

It couldn't have been more clear.

Today our worship leader said (as we walked in LATE to church AS USUAL) that she remembered hearing those stories about people who would climb in a wheelbarrow and let someone else push them as they walked across a tightrope. How scary would that be? And I smiled. Pretty scary.

Today, our pastor talked about how we need to actively FOLLOW Jesus. We can't just passively believe and call it good. If we don't choose Him first, above all else... then it doesn't matter what we do. So. That's what it came down to for me. That's my brand.

Jesus.

Jesus is my brand. I decided to follow Him a long time ago, and I can't fall into the trap of letting something else come first.

I can't crack under the pressure to find something else cool and unique and Twitterific.

It doesn't matter what I blog about here or how many people read my posts. What matters is I let you see my heart for God in everything I do and everything I write.

I'm all the things I said before...and more. Mom, wife, runner, foodie, fashionista, bargain shopper, homesteader, farmer, gardener... but above all else, I'm a child of God. I've chosen to accept Jesus as my Savior, and that is not the easy path. But I've decided to follow Him... and nothing else matters (cue Metallica (which is totally inappropriate)).

I'm back in the wheelbarrow, and I'm hoping I can do a better job of sharing my ride.

Thanks to those of you who have hung in there and asked me to keep posting. Your encouragement meant a lot.

Welcome to those of you who are new and wondering what level of crazy I really am. You will soon find out. ;)

Happy New Year!!

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 07:54:00 +0000

This year, I won't be resolving anything. I've signed up for a CHALLENGE!!!

Woohoo!

This is a short and sweet version of my previous post... it was funny, engaging, and full of witty sarcasm. And then the Internet ate it. Gone.

All gone.

I was too shocked to cry.

In short, (because I'm mad and it's already way too late) 2015 is the year of the 52 Weeks to An Organized Home Challenge. And since I started the last week of December, this isn't related to a resolution. I almost didn't want to commit, but it was set up in Nicole-sized bites. So I bit.

My Family Calendar is hanging in true geek fashion on my fridge. I've got birthday, meals, runs, challenge tasks, paydays and bill days marked in all their sticker glory. This is probably year five of a family calendar... and I look forward to it every year. Always there...not always kept up (like other things in my life), but always loved.

My next task is the kitchen counters and sink. I'm glad I have a week for every task!!

And, I will start the year by being honest.

I changed some of the tasks.

We are farmer/homesteaders. My springs and summers and falls... okay, and winters, look a lot different than the average suburban household. Seriously... we would probably have to go to family therapy if I spent my summer months in the house going through DVDs and photos. So, I switched some things around and added farm and garden chores. And since we don't have an attic or a basement, I had some leeway to make changes. Photos and DVDs will have their weeks... in October, when outside chores are done. I love my marriage...and my ducks.

Y'all are about to see the dark and dirty parts of my life. My goal is to post each week about this challenge. No holds barred. It will get ugly. I might be reserved in person, but I'm shameless on my blog.

Today, I started working on the countertops... which created a domino effect. Soon I was asking the kids to help get their toys and clothes out of the living room. My youngest pipes up, "Why Mom? Who's coming over?"

Uhhhhh..... yeah.

Joining the Ranks

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Wed, 01 Oct 2014 06:39:00 +0000

What an entirely cynical title.

I've spent the past few months quietly fuming and praying about crummy decisions a family member is making. Hoping the switch will flip and her brain will turn back on to smart mode. But it hasn't happened. As her behavior worsens, my fuming has become more vocal. In the past few days, I have started to rant to anyone who will listen. Not a good sign on my end.

Today I found out she crossed the line. The line that makes us set our own boundaries and build up our walls.

I shouldn't have to feel like I need to protect my kids from their aunt. We shouldn't have to worry about what will come up missing from our garage or when (not if) our home will be broken into.

Steal it, sell it, get your fix.

Break into your own grandmother's house while she is sick in the hospital.

I'm furious. I'm hurt.

I'm not alone.

Raise your hand if you have a family member like this. If you are raising your grandchildren because your own children are too strung out to be parents. If you can't trust your ex around your kids or your home. If you have had to get a restraining order against a loved one. If you've watched someone become unrecognizable as addiction distorts them. If you've done all you can to protect a loved one from an abuser and watched them go back... again... and again....

This is my first time. Not the first time I've been hurt by a family member. Not the first time our family has had conflict. Not the first time I've struggled to forgive a wrong.

The first time I can say we lock our doors to keep family out. The first time we have had to tell our children to never leave school with auntie if she stops by and says she is there to pick them up. The first time we have decided we will not be inviting her to another birthday or bbq because of what might come up missing. The first time we have stopped offering to help our own flesh and blood.

We have joined the ranks.

Ironically, my girls picked Family Relationships this week in our high school group. We've talked about relationships with siblings and parents and God's expectations of how we respond to our family and love our family. This week is about healing hurts caused by family.

Well, my wound is pretty raw right now. My husband and I are reeling... and we really aren't even the victims. I'm not quite sure if my reactions are very "Christian". I know I have had to fall on the floor and pray for forgiveness for the thoughts I am having and the words I am saying, for strength to forgive her and His love to fill my heart so I won't wish hell on the people she is with. It's awful.

While I work through the forgiveness, I am preparing myself for the worst. I'm struggling to find the balance.

We refuse to enable. We refuse to become enmeshed. We refuse to participate, at any level, in her unhealthy behavior.

I want her to know she is loved. I want her to know I am continually praying for her. I want her to know my heart is breaking in pieces for her. I want her to know she is better than this.

I want her to know we will never bail her out. I want her to know we will never give her money. I want her to know we will be the first to call the police if she gives us reason.

I want her to know our kids have wept in church because they know she is "making bad choices". I want her to know we have done our best to not discuss grown-up issues in front of them, and all we can do is hug them and cry with them. I want her to know she isn't fooling anyone... not even her five-year old niece.

And I want her to know... most of all.... that the God who holds the universe is jealous for her. He loves her with an everlasting love. He has paid the price. There is nothing she has done or could do to ever change that. He is constant and unchanging. His love never fails. His mercy never ends. Forgiveness is hers if she can accept it. When she is ready to come home, He will be there.... with arms outstretched.

...And so will we. We won't enable. But we can forgive.

Week 1 Recap - Active Living Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 11 Aug 2014 17:29:00 +0000

My fitness, like my blogging, has been sorely neglected lately.

In true perfect timing form, Fit Approach and Lorna Jane started an Active Living Challenge! August is seriously our craziest month of the year, with 4-H obligations at the county fair, a birthday, football practices beginning, and the prep for back to school and church activities starting up in September. Not to mention gardening and harvesting and canning. But I am gonna keep on keeping on and this challenge has been a great way for me to think about fitness and healthy food every day!

Day one got me planking again.

Day two was a great dinner - all home grown and harvested. I followed the instructions in one of the Costco cookbooks for pan frying the steelhead. The green beasn were sauteed in garlic and olive oil. I splashed in fish sauce and soy sauce somewhere during the saute process. They were amazing.

Day three we went on a family run. I love family runs. I love seeing my kids excited about running and pushing themselves. Connor was frustrated because it was his first time running post broken heel, and he learned a hard lesson about fitness and what happens to your body when you've taken a break. Jason and I were reliving that experience as well!

Day four I made eight batches of pizza crust... prepping for fair meals and quick dinners after football practice. Food prep in my kitchen isn't always quiet, but it is definitely calming. Being prepared for dinners and lunches reduces my stress level exponentially. My KitchenAid just makes the work easier!

Day five and six and seven I have spent gardening and cleaning out the duck pen and the chicken coop. I worked up more of a sweat moving wheelbarrows of duck manure than I did in all my running this week! We've had record "hot" weather here. It's in the 80's and 90's, and we are all dying. I know... we are wimps. But, my post workout sweaty selfie was post wheelbarrow workout!

This week is our county fair. Life is going to get insanely crazy with barn duty and kids' fit and shows and auctions and activities, but I'm staying in the challenge!

When You Can't Even Remember the Last Time You Blogged...

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 04 Aug 2014 06:30:00 +0000

The only reason I know the last time I blogged was because my posts are dated. If I was an awesome blogger with a ton of followers, everyone would have thought I had met a tragic end and been worried.
Thankfully, it appears no one is worried, and my sudden split from social media didn't seem to impact anyone at all. Looking back, I know I have this pattern. Every year it seems I take an unplanned vacation from all things bloggy. This year, that break happened to include Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and whatever other media I have as well.

My break has been a good one, and I don't think I'm fully back yet. I just needed to remember what it felt like to sit up late at night in front of a glowing computer screen, hearing nothing but the tick tick of the keys and the humming of the fish tank pump.

I'm on a ledge.

Life with my kids and husband has been number one. Work sucks a lot, and it takes all my energy to get through that and still be on the ball at home making the best life I can for my family. My cyber world has had to take a back seat, along with my fitness (I'm thinking the two have become interdependent). There isn't a single thing in the last six-ish months that I would take back. I've done my best to choose Jason and the kids first. This summer, we have jumped at every opportunity to make memories and get outdoors and in the dirt and the water and the sunshine. But I am starting to miss the way blogging motivates me. I'm missing the cyber camaraderie that gets me out the door so I can post a workout and give kudos to others doing the same. I'm sitting on the ledge because I have got to figure out how to keep what I have and fit in what I miss.

Who else struggles with finding a balance?

My kids could care less if I finish a blog post on any given day or not. They love to run with me, but they won't read my Flipbelt, Vivobarefoot, -fill-in-the-blank- review. And, I am...sadly... not so awesome these days at juggling a million things. When I stay up late to get a post finished, I am snappy with my kids and too tired to do good things the next day.

Am I... *gasp*...getting old? Is this what happens?

Whatever is wrong, I am working on sorting it out. I'm scooching my butt closer to the edge. The leap will happen soon enough.

Move Nourish Believe Challenge: Week Three Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 24 Feb 2014 07:15:00 +0000

Week Three: Believe

2/17: Spoil Yourself! - Do something just for you

today! Take a walk, go to yoga, spoil yourself!

I loved that Monday was President's Day, and we didn't have to work. I spoiled myself by sleeping in. My hubby had to work (poor him), and the kids wanted to stay with Grandma. I hardly knew what to do with myself the night before... but boy did I enjoy those extra hours of sleep! Aside from taking solo shopping days or getting long run hours all to myself, sleep is my favorite activity.

2/18: 5 Mindful Minutes - Do good to your body,

meditate for 5 minutes and find your zen.

Without a doubt, I know I need more mindful minutes. And I know that my mindful minutes should be spent reading my Bible or praying. Yet, so many times I spend doing busy work around the house or zoning out on the computer or watching some mindless episode on Netflix. Not good uses of my time. This was a good reminder day for me. I spent time reading in Psalms and then spent time studying up for my girl's group on Wednesday night.

2/19: Be Happy - Show us your happy place!

My happy place is home with my kids. I spent a long time looking through my phone for pictures of a favorite run or of all of us at the beach or on a trail or out visiting someone, and every time I ended up on a picture of the kids at the house, I immediately felt this little rush of joy and longing. Hands down... I'm happiest at home with my kids. Ironic that I am a working mom who travels and spends more time away from home than the normal human... but, maybe that's why I appreciate it more. This was a good reflective lesson. I know I won't be a stay at home mom, but I know that I am making every effort to make the most of the time I have at home with my kids. And, I hope they remember those good times the same way that I do.

2/20: Thankful Thursday - Let us know what you

are thankful for!

Seeing everyone's thankful posts and thinking about what I was the most thankful for inspired me to start a Thankful blog post... but life got in the way, and I haven't finished it yet. Thursday night, my husband and I went through the kids' memory boxes looking for handprints. He is getting a tattoo done with all the kids' handprints, and he needed some for the artist to reference. I spent the whole day listing thankfuls off in my head, but as soon as I saw my boys' kindergarten handprints and photos from their first year at school, I had to post how thankful I was for those memories.

2/21: Share the love - S/O to your #1

supporter/motivator!

This last few weeks, I have spent time every day doing some kind of workout, taking random pictures, making sure I had posts done each night. Never once did my husband complain. Jason is no doubt my #1 supporter. He encourages me in my running goals. He runs races with me. He helps make sure I follow my training plans. He participates in random health kicks and diets. He spent all last week bragging about how his wife completed a Level One Gladiator workout (which made me feel pretty awesome).

Overall, I really liked this week. I'm the first to look at diet and exercise when trying to get healthier, even though I should know that my heart and mind need to be in the right place to truly be healthy. I'm thankful that this challenge helped me to remember this. I'm sad that the challenge is over, but I am excited to have completed each day and remained strong. In the past I have started challenges and faded away towards the end or not completed at all. It's a good feeling to have finished each day and given each day a good, solid effort. I'm excited to keep moving forward and to keep finding new ways to challenge myself each day.

Solo Monday Morning

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 19:59:00 +0000

Today is a day I was able to sleep in until 9:30! That, folks, is a miracle.

And it only happened because the kids are with grandma and Jason had to leave for work at the horrific hour of 5 a.m.

This morning, I cleaned my bathroom counter (a rare occurrence). I made delicious stove top coffee. I hung out with my ducks and chickens and goats for a bit. I washed the mud and gunk off our running shoes from yesterday's trail run. I started a few loaves of bread, made quinoa for quinoa cakes, did some laundry, put away some stuff, and found some new Facebook pages to like. The SITS Girls have a great group, and I am happy to be a part of their network.

Now I'm getting ready to steal my kids back because I miss them.

Today I want to bake and go on an adventure and clean out the duck pen. All exciting things.

We'll put up a picture later.

Move Nourish Believe Challenge: Week Two Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 07:07:00 +0000

Week Two: Nourish

2/10: Go Meatless - Skip meat today! Try vegetarian/vegan meals.

I was excited for Meatless Monday, because I always talk about it, and I rarely follow through.

However... this particular Monday, I had pre-made an amazing smelling red coconut curry with lamb Sunday night for a quick Monday dinner. This was my second lamb experiment, so I wanted to see if I liked it better in curry than I did as chops. I can leave a lamb chop.

But. I powered through. I picked out the meat, ate the rest of the sauce and decided to have the full meal for leftovers during the week in my lunch. The rest of the curry sauce was amazing though, and we mixed rice and couscous and sprinkled fresh cilantro on top. Delish.

The beginning of my Meatless Monday was equally delicious.

Breakfast - Homemade greek yogurt topped with honey and granola for breakfast. I was in a bit of a rush, so I had to eat it out of the container driving down the highway.

Lunch - Kalamata olive and feta salad topped with veggies and raspberry vinagrette. I also snacked on cheddar kettle chips and raspberry ginger kombucha on the drive back from our work meetings.

2/11: TYLTW! - Take Your Lunch to Work today! Choose a recipe from movenourishbelieve.com to inspire your packed lunch!

Amazing Lorna Jane Salad I made a salad with kale, cilantro, and spinach and packed a baked sweet potato on the side. It was as close as I could get to the awesome salad recipe on the website.

2/12: Write it down! - Journal your food today and share your WIAW with us!

Oh dear... this was a bad day.

Breakfast - I started out decent enough with an americano with honey and cream, homemade wheat toast and a banana. Later on that morning, I had a glass of orange juice.

Lunch - A giant salad with spinach, kale, cilantro and french dressing. I also had about 1/2 a cup of leftover venison, carrot and potato stew with a dumpling. Later that afternoon, I had a crazy stress craving for a Squirt - they are not low calorie!

Dinner - We ate at Jason's grandma's house, and she had made chili dogs. I went low-carb and opted for a bowl of chili with chips, onion and cheese.

Snacks - This is where I lost my mind. Wednesday nights I lead a group for high school girls. It was our "reward" night, so we went to a local restaurant for ice cream. I caved and had a small peppermint patty cyclone. It was delicious. So good that I ended up have two chocolate chip cookies when we got back to the church.

My self-control slowly went out the window. I ended the day 400 calories over. But - this was a great exercise in accountability!

2/13: Smoothie Day! - Happy Thirsty Thursday! Make a healthy smoothie today!

I almost missed this day! After Jason and I finished our Gladiator workout, I made a smoothie to test out my first ever batch of kefir. I added homemade raspberry freezer jam and ice cubes.

Delicious! And great recovery for my super tired muscles!

2/14: Go Raw Friday! - Choose a recipe from movenourishbelieve.com and go raw!

For some reason, every time I check out Lorna Jane's recipes, I end up at the salads. They all look SO good! Of course... I never have everything in my cupboards and fridge for an exact replica... so I improvised. Friday night we had homemade fish and chips. Jason took some lingcod out of the freezer, and I made an experimental corn meal and corn chip breading. We made homemade sweet potato fries too. For extra sides, I heated up corn and made a coleslaw style salad with cabbage, kale, cilantro, and grated carrots. The salad and the fish went awesome with a homemade yogurt and dill sauce.

Overall - this was a great week. I'm definitely going to keep up on documenting meals on MyFitnessPal. I'm also super impressed with kefir smoothies! Those will stay in the rotation for breakfasts and recovery!

CoreCommit and Move Nourish Believe Challenge Recap: Week One

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 10 Feb 2014 05:57:00 +0000

Two weeks ago I signed up for the CoreCommit Challenge with Erica from Sweet Life. I am having a blast! Never, in my entire existence, have I been this consistent with core workouts. And the crazy thing is, I am noticing great results!

Last Sunday, I went for a "slow" five-mile run. I've been awful with my mileage lately, I am not even close to successfully completing with Winter 100 Challenge... which I also signed up for! Anyway, my calves were a bit tight, and I walked a little bit, but for the most part I felt great. In fact, I got back to the house and felt like I could have ran another mile or two... I was so excited. Then.... wait for it.... I checked my time... 50:something! My "slow run" was 10 minute miles! I about did a jig in the cul-de-sac. My fastest 5k ever was 10 minute miles. I can't chalk it up to mileage, so I am definitely chalking it up to these core workouts.

That and self defense class kicking my butt twice a week... :)

So, because two other challenges and a class aren't enough, I also signed up for the Move Nourish Believe Challenge with Lorna Jane and Fit Approach. We just finished Week One, and I am feeling great! Here's the recap...

Week One: Move

2/3: Sweat-it-out! -Show us your favorite way to sweat!

My favorite way to sweat is running. Hands down. You can't beat a run. Even better, a run in the rain... then, no matter how much you sweat, no one can really tell what is sweat and what is water. I know lots of folks don't get very excited about running in the rain, but I grew up in the Pacific Northwest. I don't own an umbrella, and I have been known to dance in rainstorms... so, there you have it.

2/4: Change it up! - Sweat a new way!

This week we were supposed to pick a workout from Move Nourish Believe and post a post-sweat session selfie. I was secretly hoping that there would be a Self-Defense class on the website as a choice... but I didn't find one. I was being lazy anyway, but it all worked out. We had to cancel class that night anyway because the instructors had to work overtime (my hubs is one of them, so I have an "in"). So I chose SQUATS!!! I never do squats. Since I had to do 100 sit-ups for my other challenge, I just randomly decided to do 100 squats. Holy ouch! My butt was feeling it the next day.

2/5: Let's get planking! - Plank for at least five minutes today! You can split the planks up.

I am SO. GLAD. I cannot imagine doing a five minute plank. One minute - not too bad. Five? Death. At least, it would be this month. Next month, I might be busting out five minute planks every day.
This day, I did three one-minute planks and four thirty-second planks. If I did my math right... well, I know I did because I used the stop watch on my phone. When I'm planking, I count way faster than an actual second, so when I think it has been a minute, it has only been half a minute. Stopwatches are crucial.

2/6: Buddy up! - Workout with a friend today!

Jason was my work out buddy. He teaches the Self Defense class, and that night we had to practice the "push-push-punch" move with him in a torso protector. I'm not trying to complain, but I think he picked on me a little and pushed back a lot harder. Oh well! I got a good workout!

Then we got home and did core workouts together. I finished the CoreCommit moves for the day, and he made it to Level One Gladiator. He asked me to do a set of up-down-planks, and I did them, but I decided I had no interest in being a gladiator.

2/7: Fave Friday! - Show us your five fitness favorites! Exercises, people, whatever gets you moving and motivated!

My top exercise is running... so everything I picked tied in with that... My top motivator is my hubby. Jason is the one who makes me run when I'm supposed to and don't want to. He runs with me and takes shifts on days we run at a different pace.

Next, I picked runs with family. I love running with my kids. It's amazing to me that my son is old enough to keep up, and he wants to run with me! I'm soaking that up while it lasts. ;) I also added a picture of my sister-in-law and my daughter in our homemade running tutus for St. Patty's last year. The kids have a blast going to races with us, and I would rather slow down and run with them on those days than work on a PR. Plus, I loved that race because my brother was home from Afghanistan, and we all got to run together that day.

For the last three things, I picked "stuff". You know... the running things you feel like you can't live without? Even though, I knew absolutely nothing when I first started running and seemed to survive.

Anyway - injinji toe socks are the bomb. I'm cheap, so I usually get them on sale on Amazon, but I am up to three pairs and wanting more. I used to run in Vibram FiveFingers all the time, but now I wear them even with regular shoes. Great blister protection.

Pink gear of any kind rocks... I love being a Sweat Pink ambassador, so I use that as an excuse to get more pink running stuff. The latest and best pink thing I own is the Level Flipbelt. Everyone should have one!

Vivobarefoot shoes. I'm sold. I have three pairs and will buy more for sure. Although, I'm not faithful... I have many, many other brands. When I first started running, I just bought shoes based on how they looked. Now I buy for feel, only buy minimal, and I have multiple brands that I wear on rotation. Isn't it crazy how things change?

That's how my week went!

I'm looking forward to our second week!

NOURISH!!

Hot Chocolate GIVEAWAY!!

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 05:35:00 +0000

Who wants chocolate? Or, a more important question...

Who wants to run for chocolate?

I know I do. March is coming up fast, and I'm registered... my hubby is registered... so is my 10-year-old! The Hot Chocolate race is one of my all-time favorites... if I haven't said that enough, click here and here.

If I have said that enough and you know about the run, or you've read the website info or race reviews on Gametiime and you REALLY want to run for chocolate, then you should!

And you don't even have to be a runner. If you can walk, jog, or crawl a 15 minute mile, you're golden. Although I don't think they encourage crawling... in fact, I wouldn't recommend it either.

Not only am I excited because the race is almost here... I'm a little giddy because I can help make someone's dream of running a Hot Chocolate race come true! RAM Racing has generously donated a race entry for me to give away! I've never had a giveaway before, so I'm nervous.

Without further ado, here is the giveaway information.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Once the giveaway ends, I will announce the winner on Facebook and Twitter. Please get a hold of me right away with your email address. I will email you the code for the Seattle race, but the folks at RAM Racing are so awesome, that they will get the winner a code for a free entry to a city of their choice if Seattle is too far, too cold, too hilly....

You can't beat that!!

So, hurry! Enter! Tell your friends! Start that C25K! Or scale back and just run 3.1. Either way, there's chocolate at the end.

Hot Chocolate Anticipation!

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 05:57:00 +0000

In less than two months, my hubby, my son, and a whole bundle of Forks folks will be in Seattle running the Hot Chocolate 5k. My goal had been the 15k this year, but when my son said he wanted to run with me, I couldn't help but change my mind. One of my favorite things about running is watching my kids get excited about it. The transition from pushing them in the stroller to having them run alongside me is pretty awesome.
Back to one of my favorite 5ks. I am getting super excited.

For one, I get a second Hot Chocolate sweatshirt. My grey and orange one is still is really good shape. I'm a run shirt wearing nerd, and I can't wait to add this to my wardrobe rotation.

I stole that picture straight from the Hot Chocolate website. www.hotchocolate15k.com

For two, we get to hang out at the Space Needle/Science Center the night before. Last year we watched Jack the Giant Slayer on IMAX... it was so cool! Since we will have Connor with us, and potentially be hanging out with two or three more of his friends and their parents, we will most likely check out the Science Center or the EMP. I'm geeking out just thinking about it.

For three, I'm helping out Ronald McDonald House . Even in the small town I am from, I personally know too many families who have needed the support of RMHC while they sought medical help for their child. Having housing and support during that time made all the difference. I want to help keep that going, especially if it's by running! I get all weepy thinking about it, so I am going to change the subject.

For four, chocolate!! If that isn't self explanatory, I don't know what is.

So, if you live close enough to get to Seattle on March 2, or if you have a great travel budget for worthwhile races... I highly suggest the Hot Chocolate. We will be driving four hours to get there... if that gives you any perspective.

I also have a code if you are running in Seattly and want to take advantage. Entering WOMANINMUG at when you register adds a travel mug to your goodie bag. The sweatshirts are awesome, so I can only imagine how cool the mugs will be. Oh... and, this is a pretty affordable run. Through February 16, the 5k is only $44.00! If you still aren't sure... check out their Facebook page. Maybe you will find a race closer to you!

Further

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 04:50:00 +0000

A few years ago, I quit making "resolutions"... or at least calling them by that name.

2014 is the year I go further. I'm running more miles to train for a 50k. I'm being more intentional and working harder towards all those goals we like to make for ourselves each January. It's not just about losing weight, it's about keeping it off and feeling healthy. It's not just about catching up on bills or creating a budget, it's about being consistent day to day and month to month.

I'm going further. Taking tiny, deliberate steps. In all areas of my life. And I purposely started before the New Year... intentionally defying the whole resolution thing ahead of time.

The Best of 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 30 Dec 2013 06:57:00 +0000

It's that time of year! Time to look back and reflect on the year that is coming to a close and time to plan and hope for the good things in the year that is about to open.

I've been regretting neglecting my blog as much as I have this year... although, my reasoning has been to soak up time with my kids in the evenings and on the weekends. That time with my babes, I have not regretted in the slightest. It might be my top favorite improvement/event for 2013. But, for the rest of my top 13 favorites... in no specific order. Faith, Family, Food and Fitness.

Faith

God spent some more time working on my trust issues this year. Ouch.
My oldest, Connor, asked to be baptized this year. What an awesome thing!
Jason's new schedule allows us to get the kids to Sunday School every week and spend time together every Sunday.
In January, I blogged about letting go of the past. God continuously reminds me to step out of regret.
By June, God was working on me to focus on Him and His purpose for my life instead of trying to figure everything out on my own. I'm such a work in progress... :)
Our church went through a lot of changes this year. But we stuck together, and God has seen us through.
I moved from teaching 3rd-5th grade girls every Wednesday to... highschool! Terrifying and super fun!
This summer, I shared my story with our women's Sunday School class. Also terrifying.
One of my favorite Bible studies is Stuck by Jennie Allen. I think going through her study would be an annual thing.
I regretted skipping women's Bible study this year. I even skipped Beth Moore's James... and I love her studies. Next year, I will make the time.
I carry a rock around in my purse now.
God started this year out showing me that I need to spend energy on being thankful... and I have!
God also wanted me to work on my friendships... I don't know that I did a great job of that. Guess 2014 will have to be a continuation.

Family

We welcomed my new niece this year. One of the most adorable babies ever!
My mother-in-law moved closer to the family. We love having another grandma around.
Jason and I took our first ever plane trip together to Rhode Island to help his mom pack (see #2).
We are officially a football family every fall. Both boys play now, so we are busy from August through November with practices and games.
We are also officially a 4-H family. The boys have learned so much about their chickens and farm life. Camping at the county fair was actually a lot of fun.
My commitment to spending more time with my kids shows in my blog. I blogged WAY less this year than last year!
I also fell behind on other stuff just so I could spend quality time with my kids.
We added ducks and sheep and rabbits and new chickens to our family.
We are officially a "farm" family. Chores are a big part of our "family" time!
We are starting to run more as a family too... Connor is going to run the Hot Chocolate with us in 2014, and he is super excited!
The kids are getting older and time is going too fast. I'm getting a little sentimental about it.
Jason and I have made an intentional effort to put family first and spend as much time as possible with our extended family when we have the chance.
God has put family on the heart of our pastor and church too. Jason and I have consistently been encouraged by others, and I feel like 2014 is going to be even better for our family!

Food

I followed a Mother Earth bread recipe and blogged about it. Mother Earth commented! I geeked out so badly!!
I canned tuna on my own...
And then I taught a friend. I felt so accomplished.
After experimenting with sausage recipes, I made a breakfast maple sausage that is the bomb- diggity.
We are getting four khaki campbell duck eggs per day. I love my ducks and their eggs.
I took the plunge and splurged on a 7 quart Kitchenaid mixer. It was worth every penny.
My sister was married in October, and I made her wedding cake! It was nerve-wracking, but she loved it.
I'm comfortable leaving eggs out of the refrigerator... and we are all still alive.
We've perfected the art of crock pot yogurt making.
Adding brown sugar, flaxseed meal, and an egg to a french bread recipe is a wonderful thing.
I canned my butt off this year. Peaches, pears, tomatoes, zucchini relish, kosher dills, dilly beans and venison stew meat. And the tuna!
I'm not scared of our pressure cooker anymore!
Even with blogging less, I did a lot of meal planning. Meal planning makes all the difference in our crazy lives!

Fitness

In June, my husband and I ran our first marathon. North Olympic Discovery Marathon was a great experience!
In January, I was chosen as a Sweat Pink Ambassador! I was so thrilled, and I have loved being a part of this community.
We ran the Hot Chocolate in March, and this year, I was chosen to be a Hot Chocolate Blogger for 2014! I am so excited.
As part of our trip to Rhode Island, I got to bring Jason to the National Mall for a run. It was freezing but so fun! We said hi to Abe and raced back to the hotel to change and catch our plane.
I fell in love with injinji toe socks after winning a pair from Run with Jess. I'm up to three pairs.
During marathon training, I ran a 15 mile run in my Saucony Hattoris with no socks. By mile eight I was bleeding through my shoes. Not awesome, but a lesson learned and bragging rights earned.
I'm getting serious about working on strengthening my core this year. Planks anyone?
2013 was the year I ran solely in minimal shoes.
I never thought that I would be that runner who rotates multiple pairs of shoes... but I am!
New Balance replaced one of those multiple pairs of shoes this year because they had ripped. Thanks to aforesaid rotation... they are still going strong!
I had my first ever DNS this year... there's a funny story to go with it, but I'm still embarrassed.
One of my Christmas presents was a FlipBelt! I am so excited to run with this!
I learned that my favorite flavor of GU is Peanut Butter. I need to stock up on those, because 2014 is the year of the 50k training.

There you have it. The best (or most memorable) as best as I can remember it all. Please, click the links, comment, become a follower! I will follow you back, and we will work through 2014 together!

Happy New Year!

Behind the Scenes: The Best Laid Plans

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Tue, 19 Nov 2013 08:17:00 +0000

"Behind the Scenes" is a fun link up where we show those photos - but tell the real story behind them. The sneak peek behind the scenes, a look past the edges of the photo to the real life behind it.

This is only my second link up with Crystal. Click on over to see what it's all about and to read other great stories.

This is my handsome hubby Jason in front of the National Monument at approximately 4 am on a February morning. We posted the photos of our early morning run on Facebook, of course. But I never did tell the whole story.

We flew to Rhode Island (just the two of us, which is amazing... in our ten years of marriage, we realized we had never been on a plane together!!) to help his mom pack up her house and get ready for her move to Washington. We spent a few days helping her and getting a taste of Rhode Island. All I kept thinking was, "I could run this state." Literally, from one end to the other. It is so small!

On our flight home we had an eight hour layover in DC starting at about 11:00 pm. Kind of silly really, but I had grand plans! I'd found a great deal on a hotel not too far from the airport, and I was dying to get Jason to the monuments for a run. I've been to DC eight or nine times for work, and I am just getting comfortable with taking the metro around and running the mall. In fact, I love it. Every time I go now, I run the mall, say hi to my babe Abe, get teary, etc. I really love DC. I wanted to share that part of my travel life with Jason, since he only ever gets to hear me talk about it. But I think I thought I knew DC better than I really did because my grand plans kept having to change as we went through the morning.

To begin with, the metro doesn't start running until after we had to be halfway through our run. Errr, oops! So, I had to call a cab to drive us to the mall. We were nervous and cold and kept wondering out loud if we should really try and squeeze in this run. But, the cab showed up, and we went for it. We were practically the only ones out. Except the fox that ran in front of us just before the National Monument! That was awesome!

I was slower than usual, having eaten a really heavy dinner late the night before and being short on sleep. Our quick mall jaunt took longer than I had planned. So we raced down to the metro just in time to catch it back to where I thought our hotel was. I guess I don't know DC as well as I thought I did. Between the metro map and my Google maps, we (we, being Jason) figured out how to get over to the hotel. Jason was done believing that I knew much of anything about DC by this point.

By now it was almost 6 and our plane was leaving at 8 something. To get to our hotel, we had to cross four lanes of traffic without a crosswalk sign (so illegal!). Then Jason starts to scale down the side of an embankment and over a wall that was not meant for pedestrians to climb over. I was mortified! Even with no one around to see us! I thought I was going to die or get a pedestrian ticket. I was seriously trying to wait for all the lights and use the sidewalk to go all around and be legal. Jason made me break the law so that we could get to the room in time to shower and change for the shuttle.

We raced into our hotel, sweaty and probably hysterical. As we ran to the elevator, I told the doorman we would be down for the next airport shuttle. He looked a little puzzled. We had twenty minutes. The adrenaline rush from breaking so many pedestrian laws far outdid my endorphin fix from the run! We showered and packed our suitcases, making it down just in time.

I didn't relax until we checked our bags at the airport.

It was, by far, the craziest layover I've ever had. Maybe not a best first flying experience for a husband and wife, but definitely one that made a great memory. The next time we run the mall, I'm going to plan just a tad better!

Meal (and Running) Plan Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 18 Nov 2013 12:00:00 +0000

The two things I need to do at the beginning of every week are plan our meals and my runs. Life seems a little smoother when those two things are handled ahead of time!

Monday -
Eat: Stew in the crockpot. I had some leftover venison and broth when I canned last weekend. It is patiently waiting to be cooked up with carrots and potatoes. Yum
Run: Two and a half miles at lunch. If I hustle, I could get in three.

Tuesday -
Eat: Burritos. I was smart last weekend and pre-made about two dinners' worth. Yeehaw!
Run: Easy two miles at lunch.

Wednesday -
Eat: At the church. I love that they feed us on Wednesdays!
Run: Easy mile on the track with a friend and some stairs if I can fit them in.

Thursday -
Eat: Salmon patties and coleslaw. Homemade tartar sauce.
Run: Rest if I've ran all week. Two miles at lunch if I skip a day. I shouldn't be so flexible... but I'm not on a real plan right now, and it all revolves around my lunch break for the most part.

Friday -
Eat: Pizza. There is potential of a sleepover... so the easier and more kid friendly, the better!
Run: Two miles at lunch. Easy.

Saturday -
Eat: Breakfast for dinner. I love breakfast for dinner.
Run: No time to run. Have a Christmas bazaar all day and housework/farm chores to catch up on when I get home.

Sunday -
Eat: Kids' Choice. This could end up being Top Ramen. We will see.
Run: Five miles after church. I am progressively returning to Long Run Sunday. I miss it. And I am bummed that five miles is my "long" run right now, and I have no one to blame but myself. So - here's to starting over. This time next year, I hope to have at least two more marathons under my belt... and maybe a 50k!! The thought makes me smile, which shows how crazy I am.

Sheep and Cougars and Guns! Oh My!

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Sun, 17 Nov 2013 10:13:00 +0000

Recently two of our sheep were killed dead by a rogue cougar. He thinks he can just eat whatever he wants. Rude. I was gonna eat that sheep.

Not anymore.

Anyways, I'm joking about it now, but it is really bothering me. I deal with my emotions through sarcasm and humor... not sure if it's healthy, but I seem to be coping.

These sheep aren't the first animals we've lost to the wild animals. We've had raccoons eat our chickens, weasels eat our quail. Heck, even our dog has eaten our chickens... which is why he has to be kenneled if we leave the house when the chickens and ducks are free-ranging. Rotten dog. The thing about raccoons and weasels is... they can't eat me. A cougar could chomp me up. And I know I couldn't outrun it (which is the opposite of what you should do!). I saw the mess it made of our mama sheep. Shudder. So, I've only run on our driveway twice since this event. And it has been in the middle of the day, and I've kept the dog with me, and I have been super jumpy. Ugh.

My hubby is a hunter, gun owner, self defense instructor, Army veteran... he eats bullets for breakfast.
I, on the other hand, have shot a gun a handful of times, have always been nervous around them, and find every excuse in the world to not shoot or own my own gun. I always thought if I ever did decide I was going to join the madness, I would start with my eight-year-old's BB gun. Or an Airsoft.

Until today. I spent most of last night having awful dreams about catching the cougar returning for our remaining sheep and trying to shoot it with whatever I could find. Or not having a gun. Or just wounding it because I grabbed the pellet gun on accident. Crazy. I woke up to shine a flashlight toward the sheep shelter at least twice. I really don't feel like running out by the house anymore, and that bothers me a lot. I've been thinking about what I need to change so that I don't feel so vulnerable. It's not that I doubt God will take care of our family, or is it? I've had my share of fears and had to seek and pray to work through it all, but I also am not going to be completely lax about this... This is a bit of a balancing act for me. Cougars are real, tangible animals... but, my God is the God of heaven and earth. He can "shut the cougar's mouth" (to edit a phrase from Daniel). I'm going to pray about the fear, but be realistic and smart about playing it safe. Am I making sense? I think I might have stopped making sense when I started typing.

So, I sought advice from my SPA sisters today. They are active. Some runners. And I bet some are way more experienced and seasoned that me. I was right. Within hours I had tons of ideas, and I am seriously considering a running holster and a weapon. One of them said it best, 'Better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.'

Chances are, I'll never need it. God is watching out for me. But I'm pretty sure He won't mind if I take some incentive and do a little watching out for myself. David was a man after God's own heart, and he had to kill lions and bears who were trying to eat his sheep. I'm a woman after God's own heart, and I'm lucky to have slightly more advanced weapons. To protect myself and my sheep.

Monster Truck Cake

noreply@blogger.com (Nicole) — Mon, 28 Oct 2013 10:30:00 +0000

In honor of my most pinned pin, and because I promised to some time ago. Yeah, photo albums and race recaps aren't the only things I flake on.

Here is a step by step post about how I made my first monster truck cake.

When my nephew turned three, I promised I would make his cake. His instructions were to build a monster truck with flames that was running over spiders and shooting webs. Tall order!

I talked him down a little, but I decided to go all out and try to build this truck. I was currently watching Ace of Cakes a lot back then, so rice krispies had become my new best cake tool.

So I carved a rice krispie truck from a giant hunk of rice krispies and put it in the fridge to harden up again. It was almost exactly the size of a loaf of bread. In fact, I think I had smooshed two bread pan sized rice krispies together and then carved from there.

Once I was sure the truck was solid, I started frosting it. I was tired of fondant by then, and too nervous to try it on a new kind of cake trick.

I added sprinkles for the sparkle and shine. In hindsight, I wouldn't do that again, but... live and learn.

My favorite part, the cupcake tires. It takes a lot of black food coloring to get that deep black frosting. I used the giant sprinkles for the lug nuts. In another hindsight, I wouldn't use cupcakes as tires. It was a cake construction nightmare. The wrapper part showed, so I wrapped them in tin foil. Then, the cupcake wasn't strong enough to hold up the five pounds of rice krispies, so the cake was loaded with dowels and toothpicks to keep it all together.

I would totally make the tire cupcakes again, but as a stand alone treat.

I used more cupcakes for rocks on top of a two cake layers that I trimmed to look more like a hill.

Next came the spiders and webs. I compromised by using webs as the border, since I don't have the technical savvy to create a web shooting rice krispie truck. I flattened some of the spiders with a giant toy truck tire for effect.

I'm pretty sure Leilee did a little bit of taste testing.

When we arrived at the restaurant, I put the truck together on top of the cake. It was kind of wobbly and probably wouldn't have lasted on the drive into town.

For some reason, these pictures aren't very good quality, but I hope that those who were interested in the tire cupcakes see what came of it all.

And, as usual. When I post a cake, I always hope it won't end up on Cakewrecks!