C4 News Network

Rare Scientology Vault Footage of Tom Cruise

2008-05-30T18:28:00.000-07:00

(Click Image to Expand)

C4NN SPECIAL VIDEO EDITION

Scientology is the porn of religion. It has everything you could possibly want; It's taboo, there's scandal, loads of money involved, kinky E-Meters, Audit sessions, massages, shit loads of hard cover books to put on your shelf to make you look smart, it's own BLING! and a legion of celebrities lead by the messiah-like Tom Cruise.

Tom is Scientology’s centrefold (every month), and he has been known to say some pretty crazy ass crap in his battle to retain that title (for whatever reason). This post is an homage to that craziness as it never ceases to entertain me (even more than his movies, which I actually really like…even if he’s nuts).

I decided to make this since C4NN’s Barack Obama video has gotten a good response on YouTube (click here to watch). Thank you to those who helped that video list on the "Top 100 Favorites (All Time) - News & Politics – Canada." (As of May 31’st, 2008) Totally wasn’t expecting that video to get that big of a response, thank you for the support.

So without any further delay, here is my tribute to you, Mr. Cruise.

Enjoy.

Woman Sees Jesus In Ultrasound

2008-05-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

When an Ohio woman looked at an ultrasound she expected to see a developing fetus.

Instead, she saw what she believes to be an image of Jesus Christ, MyFox Cleveland reported on its Web site.

Monet Sledge, from Lorain, Ohio, got an ultrasound in preparation for her first baby and was shocked when she saw what appeared to be an image of Christ on the Cross, the Web site reported.

She showed the image to her sister, a mother of four, to get her opinion. "I was expecting to see little body parts," Sledge's sister Tequoia Smith told MyFox Cleveland. "Like a face, arms and legs."

But she too believes saw Jesus on the cross.

"As soon as I saw it I was like oh my gosh."

"People say maybe my baby is gonna be blessed and maybe it is a good sign," said mother-to-be Sledge. "I don't know, I've done wrong in my life, maybe he's forgiven me early."

Doctors say the baby is perfectly healthy and due Aug. 12.

C4NN Says:

These days it seems like anyone who see's a 'T' shape that has naturally formed somehow, jumps to the conclusion "OMG IT'S JESUS!!!!"

Now I do agree, after being told it looks like Jesus, and if I squint my eyes to the point of tears, that it resembles the holy image. So I can see what your getting at. But if this was my wife's ultrasound I wouldn't have assocciated that image to Jesus, and that could be for a number of reasons.

For one, I don't practice any form of religion, although I consider myself open minded and I try to put myself in everyones shoes. Sure, it kinda looks like Jesus on a cross...but being TOLD it looks like Jesus, is kinda like being fed answeres in an ink blot test.

For example i'd be interested to know what you see here?

An angel sitting on floating clouds?

A lobster diving into the sea right behind two jellyfish with funny things floating behind the lobster?

A tulip (or some type of flower) sitting on a dirt bed?

Your mom?

Well if you answered any of the above I'd say your WRONG it looks like The Predator...DUH

With that being said, this kinda poses some potential problems for this woman (if you buy into that sorta supersticious thing). How, you ask? Well for example we just went from seeing angles and flowers and lobsters to the god damn Predator!!! KINDA OF A BIG DIFFERENCE...

If I was on a game show with three "secret doors" and I had to open one and one door was labled with that ink blot, I might open it expecting flowers or lobsters. Boy would I be pissed when the game show host says "Oh I'm sorry you picked The Predators Door! Now you get to be ritualisticly skinned alive, hung upside down, and your skull will be removed as his prize!!!"

Shit! I hate when that happens.

Now I'm sure you're saying "C4NN, thats a little far fetched!" WELL SO IS SEEING JESUS IN YOUR WOMB! The mom was actually quoted saying...

"People say my baby is gonna be blessed and maybe it is a good sign"

If you believe your ultrasound looks like Jesus perhaps this COULD be true...

But what if it's what I See!? Because when I looked at this picture I thought to myself:

To the left you got this black blob....and it looks like some kind of a...protuding object with a hole in it...kinda ...kinda like...an old brick well?

And to the right...you got this figure...but I didnt see Jesus...I saw something else....so I decided to enhance the image...and HOLY SHIT!?!

Now you might have to click the image below to expand it...but if I was this woman id try to make the best of the next 7 Days.

Parents Fight Over What Gang Their Toddler Son Should Join

2008-04-14T14:11:00.001-07:00

A couple can't agree on which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join.

A fight about the decision led to a public disturbance with the father's arrest. Joseph Manzanares went to the video store where his girlfriend worked, threatened to kill her and knocked over several video displays, police told KMGH Denver.

Police arrested Manzanares at his home, Commerce City police Sgt. Joe Sandoval told KMGH Denver.

The girlfriend told authorities they were fighting over which gang their son should join. The girlfriend, who is black, is a member of the Crips while Manzanares, who is Hispanic, belongs to the Westside Ballers.

"They have different ideas on how the baby should be raised," Sandoval said. "Basically, she said they cannot agree on which gang the baby would 'claim.'"

C4NN SAYS:

This makes me think that we really should make people apply to have kids. Seriously, you should have to pass a gauntlet of tests before you are allowed to reproduce. I can see it already, this whole thing started over two 40's and some drunken sex at a party with West Side Story or Romeo & Juliet playing in the background. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Meet Joseph Manzanares.

He was charged with disorderly conduct, harassment and domestic violence for a fight with his girlfriend inside a Hollywood video store. Best part is he was released with one year probation and they have made no mention about where his kid is now, so I can assume still around this douche bag (not that his esteemed wife is any better).

Also, for a guy that's in a gang called Westside Ballers...he looks pretty damn scrubby. Might I suggest changing the name to something like "Westside Welfarez" or "Westside Food Stampz". and on a side note, if this guy looks as sexy and handsome as he does in this picture, I can only imagine the kind of girl he managed to hook up with let alone what his kid looks like. Poor kid, it just goes to show you...

It's hard out there for a toddler, yah hurred?

Peace. One love.

-C$NN

Everything Causes Cancer, Even You!

2008-04-09T14:36:00.000-07:00

C4NN Exposé

Sometimes the news really pisses me off, which is probably one of the reasons why this site was started in the first place, because if I can't control it I might as well laugh at it. That being said lets get down to business and ask ourselves, what sells news? Fear...that's what sells news.

People watch and read the news daily in absolute horror, almost like a train wreck. You see it coming and while you don't know for sure, you have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen. So you do the only thing you can do...just stand and watch. Once the 6 o'clock news team pops on your screen you know exactly what your about to see because they all follow the same recipe and use the same ingredients. Murders, accidents, robberies, beatings, natural disasters, wars, economic failures (a quick break for the weather and community events), political scandals, celebrity gossip, and perhaps a dash of sports. The perfect recipe for an action packed news hour full of high-ratings!

But what if none of that crap happened today? How the hell are you going to overcome competitive news stations and deliver horrific, shocking and entertaining news?! You can't use yesterdays stories and you can only fill so much air time with those really crappy community specific pieces. You know the ones...with titles like "Mrs Smith turns 100, Girl guides save cat from tree (PS Girl Guides your cookies suck now! I remember when girl guides used to actually BAKE THE COOKIES! All your really learning these days is how to pan handle! GREAT LIFE SKILLS FOR A 12 YEAR OLD you consumer whore sell outs! You'll have your own C4NN post soon enough, I'm sure of it) or man makes toast that bares the image of Jesus..." crap like that.

Well you defiantly can't rely on stories like that to keep a viewer base interested...no...you need big news, something to string the viewers along the whole night. The kind of story you can mention at the start of the news and not actually air until the last segment, knowing full well that everyone will watch intently until the end just to catch that story. You know what you need? A Medical break through that's what!

It's fool proof. all you have to do is dangle the fact that you have reliable information that will either:

A) Prevent you from facing a premature death,

or

B) Dramatically extend your life.

Holy shit I can't go to the movies , I gotta watch the news tonight! Or else I wouldn't know about crap like this:

Seven or More Eggs a Week Raises Risk of Death

C4NN Breakdown

Length of study: 20 years

My first question is, how the hell do you make a conclusion on how much faster people die as a result of eating eggs in only 20 years. How god damn fast are these eggs killing people!?

Quotable quotes

Men without diabetes could eat up to six eggs a week with no extra risk of death. Egg consumption of up to six eggs a week was not associated with the risk of all-cause mortality, consumption of (seven or more) eggs a week was associated with a 23 percent greater risk of death.

All-cause mortality?! WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! And why would 7 instead of 6 eggs be such a deciding factor. What if I eat Ostrich Eggs? Those bad boys are huge!

"Egg consumption was not associated with (heart attack / cholesterol) or stroke," the researchers wrote.

But the men who ate seven eggs a week or more were 23 percent more likely to have died during the 20-year period.

C4NN Conclusion:

Doesn't that last quote kinda defeat the entire purpose of the story? That eggs kill people? And what your telling me is you don't know for sure "what" will kill me, just that you're certain that if I eat 7 or more eggs in a week, I must have it coming...Well...at least be 23% more likely.

Id like to know how the hell was that conclusion even formed?! They don't even say! Are they using Tarot cards? "Sorry Mr.Brown, thats the Humpty Dumpty card...you're now 23% more likely to die..." If that's the case why don't I see headlines like "Men buried alive in fatal earthquake, eggs to blame!"

Also, how much money was spent on this? I can't even imagine, especially after considering how many distinguished organizations contributed to this highly conclusive study. Groups such as The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, Womens Hospital, Harvard Medical School, University of Colorado, the American Heart Association.

Fast fact! Did you know it's illegal to encourage someone to kill themselves? Well I guess that means I can sue the pants off the assholes who made these:

In all fairness they don't say a "BAD" Health Habit, just make it a habit. Like smoking.

That's right, eggs wont give you a stroke or a heart attack accoridng to ABC's report, but they might kill you some other way. So I guess that totally warrants a health check symbol. But you know what the best part of all of this is? THIS ONE (Click picture to zoom)

EXCUSE ME?!

I actually took that off Eggs.ca on April 13, 2008. Their research is backed by University of Connecticut and was done in 2005 and used only 42 subjects. But ABC's story was from 2008, studied 21,327 men, and had schools like Harvard involved. But this is eggs.ca for Christ sakes!! What the hell am I supposed to believe now?!

But all this egg nonsense aside, there is one story that is the great fail safe story the media can drop on your ass....cancer. Reports of what causes it, what prevents it, and statistics on how likely you are or are not going to die from it. Most of them are not factual, but rather speculations, and don't actually give you any useful information. Lets take a look at some of the life changing headlines.

Oral sex can cause throat cancer

Summary:

People who have had more than five oral-sex partners in their lifetime are 250% more likely to have throat cancer than those who do not have oral sex, a new study suggests
People with more than five oral sex partners had a 750% increased risk of these HPV-16-caused cancers.

C4NN Conclusion:

This report actually had some really good information statistics and reasoning. It's just sad to know that theres a 250% chance that everyone I know is going to die of cancer. And what the hell does 250% more likely mean? 250% more likely then what? .000000000001? Who knows, just cover your lover in saran wrap to be on the safe side.

Beans may reduce breast cancer risk

Summary:

Women who ate beans or lentils at least twice a week were 24% less likely to develop breast cancer than women who ate those foods less than once a month.

C4NN Conclusions:

Well, with cancer reductions like that the good news is, if she's a slut at least shes only 226% more likely to get cancer now. Also, I'm just going out on a limb when I say that the majority of the women who would not eat anything at least once in a month with a bean or lentil in it...probably aren't living the healthiest of lives to begin with...just a wild guess.

Hair dyes found to increase cancer risk

Summary:

“A small but consistent risk of bladder cancer was reported in male hairdressers and barbers."

C4NN Conclusion:

Okay...without getting into graphic detail let me explain the ridiculousness of this claim. Hair dyes causing "Bladder Cancer" in male hairdressers? Notice how they don't talk about Female hairdressers? Have you seen most male hair dressers?

There is NOTHING wrong with being stylish and trendy or wearing a rainbow T-Shirt, but just like the first cancer article I posted said...HPV related cancers are likely to be transfered in saliva, blood, and other bodily fluids...and why wouldn't women get it?

I don't think his bladder cancer came from the hair dye...all I'm saying.

Grapefruit may raise breast cancer risk - study

Summary:

Grapefruit is being increasingly marketed for its healthfulness, with the fruit currently positioned as containing antioxidants, which may help prevent certain types of cancer, heart disease and stroke. Grapefruit also contains natural vitamin C and potassium.
Women who consume one quarter of grapefruit every day may be at a 30 percent higher risk of breast cancer, suggests an epidemiological study from Hawaii and LA.

C4NN Conclusion:

So basically you just used 549 printed words to tell me you don't know shit. They might cure cancer, they might cause it, who knows!? Just throw in some statistics and big words like epidemiological and call it a story!

Work Stress May Lead to Breast Cancer, Study Finds

Summary:

The number of breast cancer cases increased by approximately 30 percent for women with stressful jobs.
Researchers found no link between stress and cancer among women in part-time work.

C4NN Conclusion:

Are you joking me?! How the hell can you say women in stressful jobs are more likely to get cancer only if it's full time. That single mom working 2 or 3 part time jobs to raise her kids isn't stressed out at work? And maybe you should keep this in mind next time your at work and yell at someone. You are inducing stress and giving them cancer. You're a terrible person, and you cause cancer.

C4NN Final Thoughts

So I hope you learned something today. Only eat 6 Eggs a week if you believe ABC, or eat 3 a day if you believe eggs.ca, all those times you were intimate with your lover now make you 250% more likely to die PERIOD, don't dye your hair unless cancer is stylish and trendy to you, eating grapefruits will simultaneously cause and cure cancer, and you gave your co-workers cancer last time you yelled at them. Unless of course they work part time, then they are immune to your hate.

Man Arrested For Having Sex With Picnic Table

2008-04-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

Man Had Sex With Picnic Table: Arrested

Source: NBC

BELLEVUE, Ohio -- Police said an Ohio man has been arrested for allegedly having sex with a picnic table.

Police arrested Arthur Price Jr. after an anonymous tipster dropped off three DVDs that reportedly showed Price in the act.

According to NBC Toledo, Ohio, affiliate WNWO-TV, the videos show Price tilting the metal round picnic table on its side and then laying up against it to have sexual intercourse with the table. Afterward, he can then be seen cleaning the table and the deck.

During questioning, he reportedly admitted to having sex with the table. Police said he also admitted to bringing the table inside his home for sex.

Price faces four counts of public indecency. He was freed after posting $20,000 bond, authorities said.

C4NN SAYS:

Wow...where do I start with this one.

Imagine being the cop who was asked to do the questioning on this one. "So I need you to get in there and find out why this guy has been running around F***'n picnic tables."

.....I says, pardon?

Also, I'm amused by the fact that NBC actually took the time to describe exactly HOW this guy has sex with a picnic table, and provides a sort of Play-By-Play for you (in case you want to try at home they even provide the type of table he prefers to bone).

But you know what amazes me the MOST about this story? the very first line.

Police arrested Arthur Price Jr. after an anonymous tipster dropped off three DVDs that reportedly showed Price in the act.

Did that just say...THREE DVD's?? WHAT THE HELL MAN!? One DVD of a guy humping a table wasn't enough for you? Some how you felt compelled to make a trilogy of non-stop table humping action?! Do you have any idea how much footage that is?

A standard 4gb recordable DVD stores up to 2 hours of very good quality DVD-Video, including several audio tracks in formats like stereo, Dolby Digital or DTS and also advanced menu systems, subtitles and still pictures. So assuming this guy wasn't using 8gb Dual Layer, He recorded between 4-6 hours of footage of this guy defiling a table.

Imagine what the cops said when he brought that into the station?! "Jesus man when I said get some evidence, I meant like a 30 second clip or something....How much time did you spend on this?....oh wow you built menus...BONUS FEATURES?!...WHAT THE HELL DO YOU NEED COMMENTARY AND LANGUAGE OPTIONS FOR?!"

Now I don't want to single this guy out and make him sound just as creepy as the table humper himself. I mean for all I know he took one DVD to the police and they said "Hmmm...I dunno if you have a case....come back when you have two sequels and a bit more plot development.....woah woah hey...I didn't say 'take the tape'...just ugh....leave it here...bring more."

What the hell is wrong with the world.

Royal Canadian Air Farce cancelled, Canada gets its dignity back

2008-04-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

Royal Canadian Air Farce Finally Gets Axed (Too bad thats just a figure of speech)

SOURCE: The Ottawa Sun

The Farce has landed.
Royal Canadian Air Farce, a comedic staple of CBC television for more than a decade and a half, is calling it quits at the end of this calendar year.
It was confirmed April 1st that what is being described as a "mutual decision" has been made to end Air Farce's run, which dates back 35 years if you include the era on CBC radio. The final Air Farce broadcast is scheduled for Dec. 31, 2008.

When I read this article the first thing I thought to myself was "Don't tease me...worst April Fools Day joke ever." You see...to me, pretending to cancel this show would be like Fox News saying "We interrupt this episode of Heroes to bring you this breaking news....Dr's have just announced they have found an affordable miracle drug that will cure cancer, stop global warming, catch Osama Bin Laden, impeach president Bush and eliminate the need for taxes....APRIL FOOOOOOOLS." The Royal Canadian Air Farce has been the bane of my existence for years. I hate this show and I don't keep it a secret as its the only thing to EVER embarrass me to be a Canadian.

At the mere mention of its name I want to break things as my head fills with questions as to why this show exists and how the actors haven't committed suicide or been kidnapped / assassinated. But I can finally rest at night knowing this show is finally dead. In celebration of this wonderful day I have gathered some quotes directly from the users of Internet Movie Database (IMDB), where the show currently ranks a 4/10.

To kick things off here is a 100% unedited screen shot of the IMDB Forum. Trying to find a discussion group that isn't bashing this Technicolor crap fest is harder then finding Waldo. Infact, to save you time I actually highlighted the GOOD/Non-threatning discussions for you. Why? cause if I highlighted the bad ones the whole god damn page would be green....enjoy

Click the image to zoom in.

By outhousehippy (Sat Apr 15 2006 12:52:01)

I could pull a better tv show than air farce out of my bum.

By jsalden (Thu Feb 22 2007 15:55:06)

Air Farce makes me cry.

They're Old and Need to Retire!, 26 March 2006

Author: jason_coolidge3000 from United Kingdom

Who watches Air Farce???????

I don't know if Royal Canadian Air Farce was ever funny. Maybe it was in 1937 when it first went on the radio.

Royal Canadian Air Farce is one of the worst shows I've seen on TV though. They should retire and I wonder why didn't they retire twenty years ago?

Popcultured with Elvira Kurt, Royal Canadian Air Farce, Mike Bullard are my picks for three worst shows of all time made in Canada, they are all so bad!

It's like CBC with Beachcombers it was on for like twenty years! Nobody I know watches Air Farce so why is it still on my TV?

These people are 100 years old and they all should have retired in 1976.

Beating a dead horse, 23 September 2003

Author: Mark (o20230@hotmail.com) from Toronto, Canada

One of the worst shows on Canadian television. The jokes are lame, the performers are wooden and untalented. Good political humour (or humour in general) explores unchartered oceans, this one wades in stagnant waste water. I can't believe so many Canadians like this show, it's time to retire it and it's crew.

And the award for best Royal Canadian Air Farce rant on IMDB to date goes to user bobsmith6040. He ranked the show 1/10 stars and was so upset by this show he felt the need to express himself in this rather lengthy review (I feel your pain brotha). you know a show sucks when this many people take this much time out of their day to vent hate and warn other people about it.

The W.O.R.S.T.!, 21 October 2006

1/10

Author: bobsmith6040 from Canada

Royal Canadian Air Farce should have retired in the 1950s.

I have never met anybody who says they watch this show, so I'm assuming the only people who do are 100 year old brain dead people who live in old folks homes where the TV has to be set to CBC 24 hours a day because it is the only channel they can get.

Maybe they used to be funny back in the days when families would sit around their radio sets after dinner with grannie and pappy, but they sure aren't now. Take for example their chicken cannon. Every show they put up a picture of a politician who is in the news that week, load up a compressed-air powered 'chicken cannon' and shoot the picture with hilarious 'ammunition', like for example they might put BALONEY in the chicken cannon 'because this guy is full of BALONEY!' They try not to laugh at their own hilarious jokes and shoot the picture. And it's called the chicken cannon because it's got a funny cartoon of a chicken drawn on it! They also do impressions of all the country's big politicians. They actually can't really do impressions though, they just put on different glasses and a wig and then say "hello I'm so-and-so"...

They have Luba Goy who impersonates every female character on the show which is so terrible it's not even funny because she's like 3 feet tall and 400 pounds and 75 years old so watching her pretend to be people half her age is just sad.

The writing is the worst, none of their sketches even make sense. They just come up with lame jokes based on the week's news and then have random characters to talk about it. Like they'll have a news reporter talk about the week's top news even and interview three people, the girl from the mattress commercial, the prime minister and george strombolopoulos... what? wtf? Yeah they also have a cabbie who talks about random news events for no reason at all and his catch phrase is "no vie-sa you pay cash!" and he is on like every week even though it wasn't even funny the first time. "Hey did you know that they are cutting the GST? That's weird, usually politicians want to take MORE money! No VIE-SA you pay cash! And hey how about those Maple Leafs? They lost again this week... they lose so much they shouldn't even bother showing up for the games! No vie-sa you pay cash! And Stephen Harper has no personality, he's like a robot! No vie-sa you pay cash!" One of the new cast members does an impersonation of Stephen Harper that belongs in a grade four play. You see, prime minister Harper doesn't have much of a personality, so they play him like he's a robot! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No wonder this show is still on the air! And they do a news report based in Newfoundland so they talk about the news but they keep talking about fish too, because people in Newfoundland go fishing a lot! And they wear fisherman's rain slickers, HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!! CBC please put a fork in this stupid show because pretty soon the 100 year olds who watch it because they don't have the ability to change the channel are going to die and then you won't have anybody watching Canada's national channel at all. How can you blame us for watching other channels when you keep crap like Royal Canadian Air Farce on TV for like 20 years? Get with it!!!!!

C4NN says: Burn.

The Real Truth Behind The Axis Of Evil

2008-03-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

C4NN EXCLUSIVE : The Truth Behind The Axis of Evil

NOTE: Please download the newest version of FLASH & turn your sound on for this post. Enjoy.

During the past month C4NN has been slow to release updates, and for that we apologize, but please don't think it wasn't without good reason. And what is that 'good' reason? How about NATIONAL SECURITY?!?! Thats right National Security...

You see over the past month I've found myself frequently watching conspiracy videos online that have covered topics such as Scientology, 9/11, if the moon landing was fake, proof god existed, proof god never exists, gas prices and even one on why the 5 cent candy you bought as a kid is smaller today. No you didn't just get bigger...and candy companies, I noticed and I'm pissed...and for my viewers reading this don't act like you never noticed. It's BS and you know it. Moving on.

The internet has dramatically increased the ability to access and spread information all over the world. Unfortunately there is a difference between information and knowledge. While surfing the internet one often finds the lines between fact and opinion blurred into a soupy mess...which is often then garnished with bits of imagination and tall tales. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you....

My Conspiracy Theory & Tips for Writing Your Own!

So go get a drink and some snacks because this is going to be a lengthy post. TIP # 1 The longer your conspiracy theory is the less likely people are to actually read or remember the whole thing. Also some people are just impressed by the fact you typed so much, and figure if you went to all that effort it must be true!

TIP # 2 To insure my theory upholds the highest standard of credibility I'm doing 100% of my research online. That means no books, no news papers, no magazines or reports. I will also not consider any government statistics or TV footage from any major news source. Why? Common sense that's why. We all know that books, or anything that is printed for that matter, are not current. And if it's not current it's not reliable.

Example: I bet you or someone you know has a copy of "The Guinness Book of World Records" from 2001 or even 1990 or something. Well I have one from 2001 and if I believed anything out of this I'd think that the best selling MP3 player of all time is the Diamond Rio PMP300 and the most advanced cellphone EVER MADE is a Cassio E-10. Fuck you books. Call me when you have a refresh button.

Also, conspiracy theory basics tell us major news stations are controlled by corporate dollars, who fund terrorists and bribe political parties, who then run our government and then lie to us. So you'd be stupid or a terrorist to believe any of their news. And you're not a terrorist, are you?

So what does that leave us with? Blogs, YouTube, various forums, chat rooms, and of course Wikipedia. But understand I'm not suggesting you actually get information from Wikipedia to base your theory on. TIP #3 You should add YOUR conspiracy theory to Wikipedia when your done. TA-DA! Instant credibility. Using these techniques will insure that your information is current, trustworthy, and directly from the people. Not full of lies and government corruption. Following these simple rules, I began developing an intricate thesis on a global conspiracy that has been going on since around 1950... It involves the South Korean government and it's been under our noses for decades...

The truth began to surface when I was surfing random blogs and I was directed to a website from an anonymous poster (TIP #4 Anonymous posters are the most reliable source on the internet. You'd hide your identity to if you knew that the government would lock you away and throw away the key for revealing the truth!). The poster said:

I think it is possible that digimon are real. Call me crazy, but gorrillas were thought to be mythical up till about 50 years ago. It is possible that digimon or digimon like creatures are the same. The choice is up to you wether to beleive or not.

I found a few cool sites today with things about digimon possibly existing in real today.
They are listed below.

If you beleive, keep beleiving. Dont let others tell you anything else. If you dont, it is your right. I somw what beleive. Tee choice is yours.

And for those of you that don't know what Digimon is, it looks like this:

Digimon is a children's TV show that was spawned from the bowels of hell in a mad dash attempt to cash in on the HUGE wave of success that started with this equally shitty show, Pokemon:

Pokemon exploded onto the scene in the late 1990's capturing the hearts of children and unpopular preteens everywhere. Digimon followed not long after. When the shows came out in North America the concepts were almost identical. Essentially there is this magical world where you can catch and enslave small magical creatures, force them to be your friend, and do shit like fight to the death for you.

Both spawned multiple video games, mostly on hand held systems such as Gameboy, that let you build a small gangs of creatures that you can take care of, raise and interact with in a virtual world. (Which you will need because almost everyone you know will no longer associate with you once you admit your into this stuff. On the upside those who do remain your friends probably also play and you can trade with them. AWESOME!). Long story short, Pokemon stands for pocket monsters, Digimon stands for digital monsters. It Doesn't take a huge creative leap to bridge the similarities. Anyways back to my theory.

One of the sites the anonymous poster linked to is known as "Digiclipse." So what the hell is Digiclipse one might ask? Well if you don't already know then you're in for a treat...I decided to go under cover as what they call an RDB (Real Digimon Believer). Their group is by application only and I managed to get one. Here is an unedited excerpt directly from the intro page of their private group:

Together, we will bring the Digimon and ourselves, and, forever in friendship and expanding across the universe, we will succeed. In the hearts of us and them, we are different...but the same. The Digimon love us with their lives and, every night, look up at the stars with us, wishing we were there.

You may think that the Digimon are strong without us, but you are wrong. We are the love which empowers their souls, and the Digis want to stay forever by our side. They look up to us, learn from us, fight with us, protect us, and never, never hesitate to jump after us if we fall down. They are us, and we are them, and no one could have a better friend than their Digimon.

So I started to read some of their theories on how they hope to enter this "digital world." They range in topics such as

"There will be an event called the Digiclipse, where it will just happen"

Which I assume is similar to the apocalypse...but...with cartoon characters.

"The government already knows how to get there and has a portal"

I even read that one guy thinks the Russians are trying to invade it. Not joking.

"The Digital world was created by the boom in the worlds technology and has been developing in lost packets of transmitted data. These Packets of data have evolved similar to a virus, but an intelligent virus that is sustaining a virtual world"

AKA someone looked up a glossary of computer terms while smoking weed.

"There is an alternative universe parallel to ours"

Now, this is actually a great thesis for anything you know doesn't exist but wished it did. Example: I know in an alternate universe I'm a Jedi ninja hacker race car driving astronaut and...also a game show host. The list goes on and every point provides nothing but the strongest of factual information to back it up. Let me remind everyone that these people are dead serious and actual devote many hours of their day to finding the digital world.

So by now many of you are probably asking, "C4, What the hell does this crap have to do with your conspiracy theory!?" Well now that you have the background story...let me begin by stating I believe that the Digiclipse is a pile of crap. Most people do, and if you don't...then click here. Those of you still with me let us explore what is much more likely to be going on here.

Simply put, Digiclipse is a decoy to distract people from the real truth... Pokemon is the real threat and the real evil! Now if you just got excited because you think I'm about to propose Pokemon exist then click here. Otherwise, hear me out...

As I stated before this all started in the 50's... It involves the South Korean government and it's been under our noses for decades...Well what happened in the 1950's? This...

Pepsi adopted it's first variation of the logo we know and see today (seen below in this time line.)

But upon further research I discovered a very odd link between Pepsi's decision to make a logo change and some rather important world events. You see...that was the same year South Korea declared independence, sparking a North Korean invasion...I mean have you ever actually LOOKED at the flag for South Korea?! Roll your mouse over the one below to see what the hell I'm talking about.

Coincidence?! I THINK NOT!

But the horror does not stop there. I am convinced Pepsi is a South Korean terrorist funded organization AND / OR using subliminal messaging in it's advertisements to alter the mind states of North Americans. This same organization attempted to attack North America and Japan by integrating LETHAL subliminal messages that induce epileptic seizures into children's TV shows....here's the proof...Episode 38 of the popular show Pokemon aired in Japan and gave over 700 Japanese children epileptic seizures or caused blindness (This is a true story the episode really was banned for this reason)....The episode was never aired on TV again...but can still be watched online and purchased on DVD. Here is the clip.

DO NOT WATCH IF YOU SUFFER FROM EPILEPTIC SEIZURES OR THINK YOU ARE SUSCEPTIBLE TO SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES.

The South Koreans have been planning this attack since the 50's and it's finally starting to come to fruition. Pepsi, Pokemon, And South Korea are all inter connected & Digimon was developed for the sole purpose of distracting the world from the threat of Pokemon. Their attack worked, but not good enough...only 700 children....Since then the United States has had increased concern in recent years over the possible nuclear capabilities of North Korea lead by Kim Jong Ill. But the UN and the United States are looking in all the wrong places. What About SOUTH KOREA?! They are looking for hidden facilities, warehouses, nuclear materials plants, and big ass missiles. But they wont find any. And why is this? Because they are looking in the wrong places...

Where is one place you can hide a weapon of mass destruction that no one will notice? Right in the open...And not only have we not noticed, but we invite it into our homes every day with open arms. We buy it from vending machines, in restaurants, watch it on TV, and even go as far as to wrap it up, put it under our Christmas trees and give it directly to our children....ladies and gentlemen...the truth behind the Axis of Evil...

What do the Pope, Coca-Cola, soccer, and witches have in common? This story!

2008-03-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: BBC NEWS

"It is the second time this season that the Vatican has turned its attention to football. In October, the Vatican sporting club announced it was joining forces with AC Ancona, a team in the second division, Serie B."
C4NN SAYS:

Genesis 1:11 - "And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, upon which thou shalt play football."

Okay so maybe I made the last part up, but after reading the BBC it's that much more believable.

Why? Well The Pope and the Vatican have announced their support and sponsorship of AC Ancona football club.

Now before we get into this let me add that this isn't the weirdest religious sponsorship I've read about this week...That award goes to Coca-Cola.

Just this past week The Philippines government issued an Easter public heath warning - on the dangers of crucifixion.

That's right people had to be warned of the DANGERS of shoving metal nails through their hands and feet. Go figure.

Anyways, In San Fernando City 23 people, including two women, have signed up to re-enact the crucifixion at three improvised Golgothas. Four of them will use real nails.

The festival is sponsored by Coca-cola and a company called Smart Telecommunication.

Pepsi, I really don't know what your going to do to catch up to that kind of PR... Maybe sponsor some witch burnings or something...might look something like this:

But why Pope? Why did you sponsor a Football club?

Pope Benedict XVI says "football has a crucial role to play in teaching young people the important lessons of life - solidarity, fraternity & honesty."

That's right, honesty in Soccer.

Barack Says Know Your Roll And Shut Your Mouth

2008-02-15T01:31:00.000-08:00

This Is a very special edition of C4NN...

This is a very special VIDEO edition of C4NN. In light of the elections going on with our neighbours to the south, C4NN has made a very special report on the 2008 Democratic Debate. Enjoy.

2010 Olympic Hookers

2008-02-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

C4NN Says:

We will examine this article in a different format then usual. Below I have posted the Full CBC NEWS posting and my comments, thoughts, insights, etc are in red. Shall we begin?

Foreign prostitutes won't flock to Vancouver Games

Source: CBC NEWS

Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day said Thursday he doesn't foresee foreign prostitutes descending on the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

I wish I was in Stockwell Days office the day a memo landed on his desk asking him to address escalating fears of a foreign hooker invasion here in BC.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that of all the issues revolving around the Olympics this is the one he felt needed to be address.

Meanwhile we have these mascots that resemble the love child abortions that result from the aftermath of an orgy of Pokemon and a pile of Bill Reid paintings...awesome.

Day said major events such as the Olympics or soccer's World Cup traditionally have been a magnet for prostitutes and others out to make a buck from big crowds.

But the minister said stringent security at the Canadian border is likely to deter such unwanted foreign visitors.

Stringent Security at the Canadian Boarder?!? Thank god it's impossible for a hooker to get a passport, right?...but...but...what if the evil Nazi hookers do get in...what then?!

While there's likely to be an influx of Canadian prostitutes to the area, Day says tighter policing will help control that, too.

"Tighter policing?"...my mind is rampant with so many metaphors in response to this, that I have to let that one go.

Meanwhile, Justice Minister Rob Nicholson is brushing off suggestions that legal brothels would be a good method of protecting vulnerable prostitutes in Canada.

He says the government has no intention of legalizing prostitution.

We should have legal brothels. hear me out.

Right now a good hooker is a lot like a police officer. Always around when you don't want them, and never there when you do.

Plus, Remember those Gold-C Entertainment coupon books you used to get in school (apparently they still make these)? Well remember how shitty they were?

"WOW I can get 2 FREE Rounds of Laser Tag!!!" when I buy a red sticker car, on a Tuesday or Thursday, over $12,000 in value Before tax at Bobs Daewoo in Salmon Arm

Well now, think about how much better these books would be if brothels were legal!

Help Save Victoria Beckham!

2008-02-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

Spice Girl fans in hate campaign

Angry Spice Girl fans have started a vicious Internet hate campaign after the girls canceled the rest of their world tour after bitch fighting.

Outrage is so widespread, hate groups have been set up on Facebook and devoted fans sites closed down, branding the five singers 'liars'.

Australian fans are spitting after the Spice Girls canceled the Sydney leg of their world tour to focus 'family and personal commitments'.

C4NN Says:

Let's take a moment to read a few excerpts I grabbed from emails regarding the spice girls tour cancellation.

Rory Goldsbrough of Leicester, UK said:

"I have been a huge spice girls fan from day 1, and even I am disgusted at this. I was lucky enough to see them in London, but I feel robbed and lied to, this was never about the fans and I feel like I was a complete sucker for believing it!!!!"

Charm Says:

"Most of us have been waiting years for this and they have just ruined it all for us. As far as I am concerned, they have just lost another fan. So much for girl power."

Jr. [former Spice Girls fan aka Liar Girls] from Syria said:

"We all were cheated by those selfish Spice Girls that care only about money. I'm sorry for myself and my dreams."

Okay that one takes the cake. -- "I'm Sorry For myself and my dreams"

We here at the network are also sorry for your hopes and dreams if they revolve around the Spice Girls...

One Hong Kong woman actually writes:

"I have been a fan since 1996 and they inspired me in so many ways. I really agree to what they stand for and I have been waiting all these years for this reunion to happen and it really happened.

I really feel gutted right now because they seem to be ignoring the "world" dates and just concentrating on America. I am very sure that most of the US fans are just there to see them like kids seeing lions and tigers at a zoo and not really knowing the true story behind the group."

What the spice girls REALLY stand for?...can someone leave a comment as to what that is exactly? Cause I don't actually know what Zig-a-zig-ahhhhh is, where to buy it, how to make it, or what it smells like.

There has been debate as to whether they canceled the tour because of a fight or their kids and families. Other rumors indicated that Posh and Mel C wanted to pursue their own careers.

Mel C stated the spice girls were holding her back from a Solo Career...Whatever helps you sleep at night Mel C. I really Can't wait for that new awe inspiring solo CD...

Posh Spice indicated she wanted to pursue her newly found career in fashion. With her keen fashion sense, Victoria’s set to corner the market of clothing specifically tailored for Ethiopians with breast implants.

Jesus Vs Santa

2008-01-29T14:39:00.000-08:00

Parents Upset Over Jesus Vs. Santa Handout

School Board Investigating Links On Teacher's Class Web Page

IRASBURG, Vt. -- Parents in Irasburg, Vt., said a teacher crossed the line between church and state when he gave out a handout entitled, "Why Jesus is Better than Santa Claus."

Parents also said that the handout is reflective of a pattern of religious-themed material being given by Irasburg Village School language arts teacher Wally Rogers. FULL STORY HERE

C4NN SAYS:

Well we here at the network did some simple search engine work and found the article Wally Rogers handed out. let's take a look shall we?

Why Jesus is Better Than Santa Claus

Santa lives at the North Pole, Jesus is everywhere.

That sounds...kinda creepy...I dunno how I feel about that.

(1 Point Santa)

Santa rides on a sleigh, Jesus rides on the wind and walks on the water.

COOL! I'm a sucker for magic tricks.

(1 point Jesus)

Santa fills your stocking with goodies, Jesus supplies all your needs.

I was about to award Jesus this one, but then I got to thinking. Jesus never brought me a glow in the dark micro-machines race track OR a super Nintendo.

(1 Point Santa)

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited, Jesus stands at your door and knocks, and then enters when invited.

...um I'm pretty sure I've never once said Santa can't come in my house. Also, this makes Jesus sound like he lives by the Vampire code.

(1 Point Santa)

Santa’s visitation line is long, Jesus is as close as the mention of His name.

...Well...I may have pictures with Santa...but I do hate lineups...

(1 Point Jesus)

Santa lets you sit on his lap, Jesus lets you rest in His arms.

This point confuses me and I can't decide why either one is better.

(draw)

Santa doesn’t know your name, all he says is “Hello, little boy/girl. What’s your name?” Jesus knew your name before you did, and your address, your history and your future.

That's some more David Blaine shit right there!

(1 Point Jesus)

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly, Jesus has a heart full of love.

WOAH! WOAAAAH CHEAP SHOT JESUS!

(Deduct 1 Point Jesus)

Santa says: “Ho, ho ho”. Jesus offers health, help and hope.

Well I never see Santa with any of these girls he's always talking about, so I have to assume Jesus has my back on this one.

(1 point Jesus)

Santa says: “You better not cry”. Jesus says: “Cast all your cares upon Me because I care for you”.

Jesus sounds emo.

(1 point Santa)

Santa and his helpers make toys. Jesus makes life new, mends wounded hearts, broken homes, and builds mansions.

Jesus Builds Mansions? Wheres Mine?! Mends Broken Homes?! I know a few starving kids in Africa that must be on the waiting list...

(1 Point Santa)

Santa may make you chuckle. Jesus gives you joy that is your strength.

What? Jesus has never once told me a good joke. As a matter of fact, every time I go to one of his plays it's super serious and people die and shit. What a buzz kill. Santa gives me Candy Canes when I visit him.

(1 point Santa)

Santa is a jolly ole’ elf. Jesus is the King of Kings.

Snap. Respect.

(1 Point Jesus)

Santa gives you gifts under a tree. Jesus gave us the gift of His life on a tree.

Santa's gifts are a lot less violent...and a lot more tangible...how do you wrap Jesus' gift

(1 Point Santa)

So the final verdict is....

Santa 6 : Jesus 4.

So there you have it. C4NN stacks this bout 6:4 Santa. We'll update you as the story unfolds.

Education: The Movie - Uncut & Unrated Special DVD Box Set

2008-01-25T14:39:00.000-08:00

LUTHER, Okla. -- A local father has expressed concern over allegations that classes at his son's school have turned into Movie Appreciation 101.

When Justin -- who asked not to be identified -- started asking his son for a list of lessons learned at Luther High School, his ninth-grader rattled off a list of new releases.

"'The Simpsons Movie' was on there, which I whole-heartedly disapprove of," Justin said Justin's son told him he had watched about 46 hours of movies in various classes since October. Several of the movies were rated R, he said. FULL STORY HERE

C4NN SAYS:

First off I hope “Justin” is aware that his kid is officially disowned from every social ring imaginable in his school. Imagine being the kid who’s Dad put the kibosh on movie time and demanded more homework?

I also love how he didn’t want his real name used, but you can WATCH him give his interview if you click the link above. Because I’m positive his house will remain un-egged now that all the neighbourhood kids are saying “Damn, who is that guy?! If only I knew his REAL name, then I could recognize him!” Sneaky, but if your going to use a fake interview name at least make it a cool one...

...So this guy "Optimus Prime" is upset his kid’s watching too many video’s at school, and thinks it’s having some detrimental impact on his kids ability to integrate into the REAL world.

Well let me say this "Optimus Prime", when was the last time your day-to-day life required you answer that really tough Oklahoma history question or bust out your advanced algebra? Never.

And you want your kid to know about literature and life skills? What do you think movies are?! How can you not see the educational value in every single one of the movies that was apparently shown? So I’ll tell you what. I’ll not only run through the list, but I will explain its educational value.

Saving Private Ryan: History – World War 2

Spider Man 3: Life Skills and Lessons – “With great power comes great responsibility” – Ben Parker

The Mummy: History – Egyptian culture

The Simpsons Movie: Politics / Social Economics – Springfield is a stereotype of a typical North American middle class city.

Dodgeball: Physical Education – Dodgeball, teamwork, leadership, determination.

Home Alone 3: Detention Hall - This was obviously used to punish children in detention as this movie sucks ass.

Robin Hood, Men In Tights: English Literature - Medieval History / period peice

The Sandlot: Life Skills - Overcoming diversity, teamwork, friendship

Men In Black: Life Skills - Expect the unexpected, read between the lines, and always be prepared.

Seabiscuit: Life Skills - Don’t judge a book by its cover, and don’t write off the underdog

The Tuxedo: Life Skills - Every man should have a nice suit.

Cinderella Man: History – The depression & overcoming hardships

Rocky: Physical Education – Perseverance, determination and dedication.

Air Force One: Social Studies - Structure of American Government

Napoleon Dynamite: Exactly the same as "The Sand Lot" and it's benefits. But not a shitty movie.

Gridiron Gang: Social Studies: Your tax money helps convicts form football leagues.

Dr. Doolittle: Life Skills: If you find out you can talk to animals, a veterinarian would be a wise career choice to consider.

Remember The Titans: See the sandlot, but think of it as the love child of the OC and football.

Radio: Come on. I don’t even have to justify this one.

Beowulf: English – Old books make great new movies. And instead of reading a story you can SEE it unfold before your very eyes in 3D and hear it Dolby Digital. And this leads me to think your only bitching about all of this cause you didn’t get this as a kid and had to READ about it.

So I don’t see why you’d be worried about the lack of life skills your kid is learning. If you ask me, he seems pretty damn ready for life. Be confident in your child’s school (especially if it's public) and just let the teachers do their job. If you could just understand that one simple thing, then maybe one day it could be your son or daughter on the stage, in the spot light and making a difference. Like this girl.

America Isn't Fat It's Big Boned...But why and who can we blame?

2008-01-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

C4NN Says:

Countless studies have been done to solve why America, the worlds super power, is home to the fattest population on the planet. And no matter what your opinion is on the subject, I can find a study to counter it. And not just any study, I'm talking expensive fancy graphs and pie charts (And like I said before, racing stripes makes cars go faster...well graphs and pie charts make your data valid and FACTUAL. Extra points for semi-gloss paper and binding.)

So let's explore some of these studies together. I'll let you know what I think and I encourage you to come to your own conclusions about this.

There are two main points you see floating around cyberspace that try to point the blame at WHY people are getting so fat, and they kinda go hand in hand.

1) Healthy food is getting more expensive.

This is a pretty reasonable argument right? I mean is Billy Bob going to buy that $12.00 mini crate of strawberries which will last him a day. Or 3 boxes of pop-tarts that will last him a week (and get him a free blockbuster rental!)

2) Youth activities are too expensive and unaccessible.

So little Timmy wants to sign up for hockey. Perfect! He has fun, stays active, and can maybe hit the NHL one day and support his lazy ass hopeful dad! Sign 'em up!

That will be a $500 registration fee, and he'll need $150 skates, $200 in pads, $100-200 helmet to protect his face or else your gonna be paying for his dental work, a nice stick which runs around $100-$200. You have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn for practice, drive there, sit in a cold rink till the little punk is done and all of that equipment you bought he'll out grow every season till he's about 17.

Or you can spend $400 on an xbox and a game. That'll shut em up, and here's a bag of Doritos, No you can't have strawberries! They are expensive.

Both of these arguments seem pretty logical right? Well not according to this study...

Lack of food isn’t to blame for poor kids’ obesity
Study challenges idea that low-income children don’t get adequate nutrition

In a nutshell, the study says that they followed kids from about 1999-2003 and couldn't find any information that proved this. The study was done by Iowa State University.

Okay...so if they just disproved the two most common causes for the booming obesity problem, then what is causing this epidemic?

Unpopular high school girls gain more weight
Teens view of social status has health consequences, study finds.

A new study of more than 4,000 girls finds that people who are unpopular are 60% more likely to gain weight. (in paticular girls)

And to make things worse, there is this study.

Many parents of fat kids in denial, study finds.
43 percent told researchers their obese child was ‘about the right weight’

Awesome, so now you have depressed fat kids getting a pat on the back from their naive parents who refuse to admit their child might be headed towards a severe weight problem. And admitting you have a problem is always step one.

I don't care if your on a 12 step program for drinking or admitting you need to sign up for a step-class to tone your fat ass. You need to know there is a problem before you can solve it.

Wait a minuet...I can see where they are going with all these studies. It all adds up!

Unpopular girls gain weight right?

Well the United States have always been unpopular. But just think about how much worse it's gotten since 9-11. They went on a ridiculous easter egg hunt looking for weapons of mass destruction, pissing off a lot of countries; Thus, making them super unpopular and super fat.

And JUST like the study about parents denying they have a problem, you certainly won't see Bush admitting things have gone just a TAD sour in the middle east and MAYBE they should leave. And just MAYBE they shouldn't have gone in the first place.

So in conclusion I blame America's weight problem on weapons of mass destruction, terrorists, 9-11, and the subsequent high gas prices. How can I afford to drive to the gym in my SUV? Plus with all this global warming it's too hot to go out and exercise. Thank god...at least now the USA now knows none of this is their fault.

American Gladiators Returns: Bigger, Badder & More Christian?

2008-01-21T17:10:00.000-08:00

The triumphant return of a television relic. (But with strong Christian under tones???)

C4NN: What do NBC's American Gladiators and Christianity have in common? Apparently a lot more then you'd think according to this guy.

"American Gladiators could definitely be a platform to spread Christianity." Out in the seats of Gladiator Arena, his supporters (Andy, a recent contestant who is an ordained minister) wore T-shirts reading "REV IT UP." Jesus Christ.

Source MSN Slate News

C4NN Says:

I'm going to harness all of my will power and ignore the part about "REV IT UP. JESUS CHRIST" and get right to the point.

Lets start off with a direct excerpt from the new American Gladiators website.

"American Gladiators celebrates the everyday, true American heroes -- weekend warriors who excel and take pride in their physical fitness. These contestants will go up against the show's gladiators -- charismatic and eclectic warriors -- in the ultimate David & Goliath battle"

And to think this whole time I thought NBC was using a random biblical comparison. Apparently not. Well, If everything NBC says is so literal then this leads me to believe that Chuck Norris really did once win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. And leads me to another conclusion...

If American Gladiators is a platform to spread Christianity...

And American Gladiators is sponsored by Subway....then does that mean....

...Not that I'm saying religion is a profitable business or anything. Also with the TV show sporting events such as "The Eliminator" it really is easy to see how this show is able to spread such a wholesome Christian message.

THE ELIMINATOR: "This is the ultimate timed obstacle course with fire and water. Contenders ascend and dive off of a 10-foot platform, swim beneath a flaming surface and climb a cargo net to pedal cranks high above ground. The contenders then pedal to a beam they must traverse across, then leap off and sprint up the Pyramid to a giant zip line that drops them at the reverse escalator. At the top of the reverse escalator they race again to crash through the finish line."

I mean with a description like that, you can literally just close your eyes and picture Moses crossing the desert. Or Bruce Willis in your favorite Die Hard. Same deal....right?

Yeah, maybe if the Bible was produced by Michael Bay.

No need to get upset, but we kinda shot a missile into your house

2008-01-20T10:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry, we just flew a missile into your house :(

A homeowner in Russia got a fun surprise, when the Russian military accidentally fired a missile into his house.

Russia's military offered compensation to him on Thursday, after the missile veered off course during a training exercise. The fact that is was described as a 'small rocket' is presumably a relief to the man. FULL STORY HERE

C4NN Says:

Where to begin?! Well for starters thank god it was only a "Small Rocket," Right?....WHAT THE HECK IS A SMALL ROCKET?! You know what I consider a small rocket?

SMALL Rockets as defined by C4NN

Those are small rockets; However, we can assume the term "Small Rocket" obviously does not imply the Russian government had a bottle rocket fight in the park that got out of hand and mothers had to be called. No. Let me use this chart to explain what SMALL ROCKET means when the government says one just hit your house.

A SMALL rocket appears to be shorter then 2 meters in length.

Oh, so small rocket means LESS then 2 meters? Pfft. wussy, suck it up. why is this even news?.....ARE YOU JOKING?!

I'm pretty sure anything thats around a meter long, made of steel, with a pointed tip, falling from the sky at thousands of meters per second is going to suck when it collides with the roof of your house. Please note this is not even considering the fact that IT ALSO EXPLODES.

Now I can't believe I'm about to actually write this, but in terms of missiles hitting your house this guy got off easy. The damage was estimated to be 60,000 rubles ($2,510.62 CND - xe.com). and apparently the government has stated It will be paid to the home owner within in two days.

I don't know what's more shocking, the fact the governments press release pretty much said "Not to worry it was only a small rocket." Or the fact that this guy only got $2,500. People in BC get higher ICBC claims for fender benders and this guy had his roof impaled by a rogue missile! Wow. Too bad he wasn't home or near by when it happened, then at he could have faked whiplash and got some free Physio.

Virginia Declares War on Testicles

2008-01-19T21:13:00.000-08:00

Va. lawmaker seeks ban on replica genitalia after girl spots rubber testicles on trailer hitch.

RICHMOND, Va. - It's one thing to dangle fuzzy dice from a rear view mirror, but decorating a trailer hitch with a large pair of rubber testicles might be a bit much in Virginia.

State Del. Lionel Spruill introduced a bill Tuesday to ban displaying replicas of human genitalia on vehicles, calling it a safety issue because it could distract other drivers. FULL STORY HERE

C4NN Says:

Before I get into this, it's Nice to see State lawmaker Lionel Spruill spending his time on things that matter. On a complete side note, In 2006 Virgina residents were graced with 21,568 Violent Crimes 189,406 Property Crimes, 399 Murders (Aww man, one more and they could have sent away for the Dubble Bubble beach ball!) 1,792 Rapes, 7,749 Robberies, 11,628 counts of aggravated assault, 31,913 cases of burglary, 142,679 of larceny theft and 14,814 vehicles stolen. So any way back to the nuts at hand.

For those of you that have no idea why Mr.Spruill is upset or what exactly bulls-balls(z),truck nuts(z), Blue Balls(z), Truck Balls(z) or Hitch Junk are, then allow me to explain.

This is pretty much the same beef some crotchety old people had with the fad of having Calvin stickers pissing all over things. Remember this guy?

Well if you don't know his name is Calvin. he's a character from the old comic strip Calvin and Hobbs (One of the few things in the paper I liked as a kid).

If you have never seen this logo before then keep your eyes peeled. Sometimes you find the odd person who still gets really excited by the fact that they can put ANY logo / picture under Calvin's piss stream to make a really bold meaningful statement to the world.

"Take that President Bush/Chevy/Ford/My least favorite sports team! You Can't tell me and my cartoon pee what to do!"

And as fun as that was in early 2000, 2008 brings us rubber replicas of testicles that can be hung from your trailer hitch (Finally, I can sleep at night now). However I would like to clear up one MAJOR misconception that most people have, including those who buy these things...

THEY ARE NOT REPLICA HUMAN TESTICLES!

They are "Bulls Balls". It's a Texan rodeo / cowboy thing that has been around for a while and just recently leaked into the city and suburban areas. Even still I'm sure some people still find it offensive but I thought I'd clear that up. They are not male genitals.

It should also be noted State Del. Lionel Spruill is no newbie when it comes to attempting a ban on things that old people who don't have social lives don't understand and thus are scared of. In 2005 (and this is 100% fact) He tried to ban baggy pants. No joke. He drafted a bill to ban pants that exposed your boxers/underwear. (which was shot down and never heard of again)

We have yet to find out what the verdict on the Hitch Junk case is going to be, but rest assured Mr. Spurill will do everything in his power to get 'deez nuts' out of drivers faces. He's even willing to go as far as brining a pair to house and was quoted saying

'I'm going to bring them out here and show them to you till they tell me to stop.'

Is that how he opposed baggy pants?! Just pulled them down till someone begged him to stop? Man, I gotta get some USA political debates on satellite. CPAC has to step up their game.

Lindsay Lohan Works in Morgue as Punishment

2008-01-18T18:28:00.000-08:00

Lohan to work in morgue as punishment

The 21-year-old actress will soon be working at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving, her attorney, Blair Berk, told a judge Thursday.

She has also spent two months in rehabilitation and has done some community service, Berk said at a hearing on her progress toward fulfilling the terms of her plea bargain. FULL STORY HERE

C4NN Says:

I won't say too much about Ms Lohan as I actually feel bad for her, Brittney and other teen dream pop stars who continue in a downward spiral of booze, paparazzi up skirt shots, rehab and other fun family activities.

It really is a shame watching someones life decompose right before your very eyes. Kinda like some sort of national geographic time-lapse shot.

I'm pretty confident when I say, if I saw today's Lindsay Lohan working in a morgue I wouldn't be able to tell if shes completing community service, or looking for space to rent there. She'd fit in great. LOOK AT HER. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?

Anyways, drunk driving isn't really a joking matter, but you know what is? this is a direct quote from the full article:

"Lohan was arrested twice last year on DUI charges and pleaded guilty in August to misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges. She has already served 84 minutes in jail as part of the plea deal."

84 Minuets?! WOW. Maybe after the morgue she can travel to Detroit and talk to inner city kids about life behind bars. What kind of jail time is 84 Minuets? What did they do? Clamp open her eyes and make her watch "Mean Girls" on DVD? Cause that was also about 84 minuets of MY life I'll never get back.

Remember Girls, if you get drunk with the right people, take hard drugs, and drive your car that costs more then most people's homes WHILE doing all of the above... You develop this dirty, greasy, slimy pungent smelling film all over your body. It causes acne and it itches. BUT it repels North American legal systems and makes you be popular. Lindsay Lohan, Role model to pre-teen girls everywhere.

Will Smith is a Scientologist?!?!

2008-01-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

From a Men's Vogue profile on Will Smith:

"I've studied Buddhism and Hinduism and I've studied Scientology through Tom. And nobody's saying anything different! Look, I use the Bible to explain the ideas of God, and life, and love, and relationships, and the life of Jesus Christ to teach my children how to defend their spirit. But in all of the experiences I've had with Tom [Cruise] and Scientology, like, 98 percent of the principles are identical to the principles of the Bible. The Bible says, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And you know, there's a Scientology principle: Do not create experiences for others that they cannot comfortably perceive." Smith would rather stroll many paths to enlightenment than commit to one high road. "The Bible talks about your spirit being immortal, that you were created for existence beyond your physical body. Well, that's no different from Scientology! I don't think that because the word someone uses for spirit is thetan that the definition becomes any different."

C4NN Says:

Well I just watched "I Am Legend" With Mr Smith (good movie) and now this. Fresh Prince, MIB (MIB II is debatable), Ali and...I'll even admit I liked Independence Day. I grew up THINKING Will Smith was the man because of fresh prince. The MAN.

Now after reading the news I have this bad taste in my mouth...similar to when you are given an after dinner mint at a B-Class restaurant.

You're all stoked for this minty after dinner delight. It's cool fresh taste is accented by a green stripe that runs down the middle (which is scientifically proven to make minty things taste more minty. Much like stripes make cars go faster)....You pop the candy in your mouth and...

WTF!!?!?!!!??!...

It's a piece of that god forsaken black licorice made from concentrated evil! UGH.

I really hope this is a rumor, as it should be noted he did state in December of 06 that while he had been kicking it old school with TC (Tom Cruise) he had no intention of joining Scientology.

If you don't know what Scientology is I've posted some links and videos below feel free to check 'em out.

Father Arrested for Taping Packers Jersey to Son

2008-01-18T09:05:00.000-08:00

Father* arrested for taping Packers jersey to son**

PORTAGE, Wis. (AP) - Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him.

Mathew Kowald was cited for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident with his son at their home in Pardeeville, Wis., Lt. Wayne Smith of the Columbia County Sheriff's Department said. Pardeeville is about 30 miles north of Madison. Full Story Here

C4NN Says:

I really don't think this is what mom meant when she told Mr. Kowald he had to do something to bond with his son. Sports do funny things to certain people, some good, some bad, some...just confusing.

I remember when the Canucks made it to the Stanley Cup final against the New York Rangers. There we were, me and my dad. I was 8 years old in my old school Canucks Jersey, my dad 37 in his new York Rangers colors.

The game was so intense. This was the first Stanley Cup I ever cared about (maybe the last too). My team was down 3-1 most of the game. As we fought back to a 3-2 position there was a glimmer of hope...we could win this...

Then Nathan LaYayette hit the goal post. HE HIT THE POST!!!

The remaining minuets of the 3rd period were the longest minuets...ever. Rangers won 3-2. And I cried. I cried hard. and my dad, he just cheered. And He cheered loud. So I cried louder, and then my mom hit my dad for being a jerk.

An hour or so after things settled down my Dad came and talked to me. I can't remember exactly what was said, but that was the first day I understood the impact of sports on the human psychology. He was just preparing me for competition later in life.

So you know what, maybe this whole packers thing was a learning experience for this kid. I mean granted I only cried, and this kid had a jersey forced upon his body and secured with tape by his very own father. But who's to say that act wasn't really the biggest "I Love you Son" ever. Awwwwe <3

*Actual Fathers photo from foxnews.com

**Not actual son depicted in picture...It's photoshop

Celebrities & Steroids

2008-01-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

Steroids beyond sports

Celebrities now among those linked to drug shipments

By BRENDAN J. LYONS, Senior writer
Click byline for more stories by writer.
First published: Sunday, January 13, 2008 PATCHOGUE -- The names of R&B music star Mary J. Blige, along with rap artists 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, and award-winning author and producer Tyler Perry, have emerged in an Albany-based investigation of steroids trafficking that has already rocked the professional sports world, according to confidential sources....Full Story Here

C4NN Says:

We here at the network were a little confused by some of the claims in this article. Granted, 50 Cent and Timbaland are pretty big guys, and always have been. Timbaland has always been a big guy, but is actually just in better shape now compared to his look during his underground break out.

50 cent, The musical love child of Dr Dre and Eminem, burst through Interscopes corporate placenta sporting a buff bod right from his first single "In Da Club." The song that set his path for millions and was my high-school generations "Soulja Boy."

The dance was easier to! All you had to do was bounce one arm in the air to the beat, over and over like your throwing scissors in a slow mo game of Rock Paper Scissors, and for extra effect grab your crotch (optional). But I digress.

So what's the big deal about this new roid report? who cares? Some guys just want to get big, and its not like they are cheating any one in a sport. They rap for a living.

Well regardless of the fact steroid use is illegal, the poor impressionable children, womens rights, and save the whales and baby seals movements. All C4NN wants to know is...How long have Mary J. Blige and Wyclef Jean been allegedly taking roids, and what brand are they taking because when I get juiced up this summer I will know what NOT to take. Cause first thing that comes to my mind when someone says "Roids and Celebrities" Is "Trebek owes me 5$ I KNEW Marry J. and Wyclef were juicing...THEY ARE HUGE."

Look at them...Wyclef...the Roid Monkey...and Marry J that Butch Cow. How could they do that to us. Think of the children.

Glow In The Dark Pussy!

2008-01-16T02:58:00.001-08:00

Scientists create glow-in-the-dark cats

Posted by Elsa Wenzel

This may be the fluffiest, freakiest thing since Alba, the green fluorescent bunny from artist Eduardo Kac.

South Korean scientists tinkering with fluorescence protein genes say they have bred white Turkish Angora cats to glow red under ultraviolet light....

...Full Story Here

C4NN Says:

Well there's only one logical thing for us to say really....

Best...Rave.....EVER.

Cloned Beef Burgers: "Delicious"

2008-01-15T23:10:00.000-08:00

Cloned Beef Burgers: "Delicious"

The FDA has said food from cloned animals is safe. Though it won't land in markets yet, cloned meat is being served at one company

by Pallavi Gogoi

Shirley Trimmer knows her hamburgers. She prepares them with a handful of bread cubes, a little egg, chopped onions, and just the right sprinkling of salt and pepper. Last Friday, on Jan. 5, Trimmer prepared some of the burgers for a lunch meeting of the seven-member team that makes up the biotech company Cyagra, based in Elizabethtown, Pa.

But something was different about these hamburgers: They were made from the meat of cloned cows. For the last year or so, every Friday, employees at Cyagra have been eating their way through the thousands of pounds of beef left over from the 11 clones that the company raised and slaughtered for a cloned-meat study. "We started with the steaks, which we grilled all summer long, and now we have hamburger meat left over," says Trimmer. Steve Mower, the company's director of marketing, says, "She cooks [the burgers] just right. They're delicious.....

...Full Business Week Story Here

C4NN Says:

Have you ever had a burger SO Good...you just had to have another just like it? well now you can!

I see this going one of two ways.

We find a bunch of perfect cows, clone them,and only have healthy cows to eat after we kill all the sick and Jewish cows (before you get offended that's a joke by the way, we would obviously nurse the sick cows back to health THEN eat them :P...jokes *hugz 4 jewz*)
Something goes horribly wrong and the genetic material in the cloned cows begins to break down and mutate at a rapid rate, Thus giving them psychic and telekinetic abilities powerful enough to enslave the human race.

So what if our meat is cloned? (so long as option #2 does not happen) Good meat is good meat right? What will the impact to all this be? What would you clone if you could? I'd clone some cookies right about now :(