C. Beth Blog.

Book Review: The Weird Sisters

2012-02-09T18:26:00.004-06:00

Thanks to their scholarly father, the three sisters featured in Eleanor Brown's The Weird Sisters are all named after Shakespearean heroines. And (like so many Shakespearean characters) they all have some pretty big problems. It just goes to show, you don't have to be a druggie or an abuser to end up with kids who have issues. Dreamers and professors--with high IQs, lofty ideals, and healthy marriages--can have messed up progeny too.

Rosalind, Bianca, and Cordelia (known to most as Rose, Bean, and Cordy) are all grown, single women, and they all end up back at home when their mother has cancer. But they're all hiding pain, and they all need healing as badly as their mother does. However, when I say they're "messed up," I mean "messed up" in ways many of us can relate to. None of us exits childhood unscathed and perfectly prepared to take on the world, do we?

In a family where each member finds it easier to get lost in a book than to disclose personal feelings, there is an undercurrent of tension when suddenly the whole family is reunited. As the story progresses, though, the women begin to share their secrets with each other--and sometimes even with their parents. They learn to relate to each other as adults.

I appreciated the lack of perfection in each member of the Andreas family. While the parents are respected in the community, they haven't always done a great job building close relationships with their daughters. And each of those daughters has had difficulty adjusting to adulthood. Even Rose, the one who seems to have it all together, needs just as much of a shift in focus as her sisters do.

But beyond "appreciating" the merits of The Weird Sisters, I just plain enjoyed it. It's a book that, had I picked it up and started reading it on my own, would have still captured my attention. I was rooting for all three sisters, wanting them to each "find their way." I found the ending satisfying. There's no sequel necessary...though I wouldn't mind finding out what happens to the next generation of imperfect children, born to these three unique women.

Disclosure: I was sent a free book, and will be paid a small stipend for writing this honest review and for participating in BlogHer's online book club, which you can visit here.

Your questions, answered!

2012-02-01T15:16:00.005-06:00

I put out a call on Twitter recently, asking for questions to answer on my blog. (I unashamedly stole this idea from Call Me Cate.) Out of the dozens of questions submitted, I have chosen three to answer.

(Or maybe three people submitted questions.... Yeah, I think that was it.)

First, from the aforementioned Call Me Cate (Click her name to access her Twitter page):

Is there any culture or maybe a foreign city that fascinates you and why?

I've always wanted to visit Germany. My dad and brother both studied a little German, and I followed in their footsteps for a year in high school. (Which gives me very little knowledge of the language!) I'm not even sure what all I'd like to see there, but it's always been on my "to visit" list.

Also, Call Me Cate (who is really being prominently featured in this post, isn't she?) went to Barcelona, Spain a couple of years back, and she sent me the most awesome picture. There's a store there that is named after my kids! Well, not actually named after them, but it just so happens to be named "Zoodle & Chickie" (except that it uses their real names.) Another friend of mine visited Barcelona a few months back and confirmed that the little store (a souvenir shop) is still there. So I really want to go to Barcelona with my kids (and hubs!) and take their pictures in front of that shop. It's also supposed to be just a great city to visit.

On to Question 2! This one is from religionbites.

How are you explaining to the kids that the baby won't stay with you after it's born?

(For anyone just coming across this--I'm 18 weeks pregnant with a baby that belongs to my best friend Ann and her husband. I'm their gestational carrier.)

Because Ann & her kids are great friends with me and my kids, this one wasn't too tough, especially for Chickie. She was already aware that Ann and M.'s daughter ("Peanut") grew in someone else's tummy. So it wasn't too hard to explain.

I've just continued to reinforce over and over whose baby this is, and both of the kids have really caught on. In fact, Zoodle told some friends of ours, "Mommy has a baby in her tummy, but it's not our baby; it's Coqui (Ann & M's son) and Peanut's baby. Miss Ann doesn't have a uterus because her uterus got sick." Clearly my 3-year-old had been listening to me explaining details to my anatomy-obsessed 5-year-old!

And Question 3! This is from MrE187.

How is it going to feel to give birth and not have the baby around all the time?

Good question! I'm not sure since I just don't really have a frame of reference for this situation.

That being said, I feel like it's going to be easier than most people think it will be. I've heard so many comments about how hard it would be to "give up" a baby. But that's just not my mindset! From the very beginning, I've been 100% aware of the fact that this is not my baby! That makes it completely different than, say, giving up a baby for adoption. The baby will just be returning to its real family...to the mother and father whose egg & sperm started this whole process!

So the transition might not always be easy, but I don't think I'll be overwhelmed with grief and loss. How can I lose something that wasn't mine to begin with? This has always been a temporary situation in my mind, and I'm enjoying it from that perspective. It feels totally different than my own pregnancies felt.

Thanks for the questions! If you have more, you can leave them in the comments section.

That darn school bell!

2012-01-31T10:11:00.005-06:00

When kindergarten first started...

...I had no trouble getting Chickie to school early, every day.

What happened?! Lately it seems that more often than not, we're right outside the building, or in the hallway leading to her classroom, when that darn school bell rings!

This morning I thought we were doing great, and somehow things fell apart, and I was getting more and more stressed. I yelled at the kids to get in their car seats. I rushed as I walked them to the building. Chickie wanted to "play the crack game" in which she walks with one foot on either side of a sidewalk crack. Sometimes this slows her down. Today, honestly, it didn't seem to be slowing her down, but Mama did not have patience for a silly game!

I told Chickie to stop playing the game. She wouldn't. I grabbed the back of her backpack and attempted to pull her toward the school door on the shortest trajectory possible. She resisted, pulling the other way.

So I let go of the backpack, knowing she'd fall. She did.

It was not my proudest moment. I kind of felt like crawling into a turtle shell somewhere. Another parent was just exiting the building and he saw the whole thing. I avoided looking at him and explained to Chickie with a shaky, hormonal voice how much I just want her to be at school on time.

"I don't care if I'm on time," Chickie said.

"Well, I do," I said. "Don't you care about ME? Don't you want to care about it because I do?"

What a morning. I tried to force my daughter to hurry, and then I pulled her, and then I let her fall, and then I gave her a guilt trip. I felt about this big.

And then I spent the walk to her classroom apologizing to her. We were 10 feet from the door when that darn school bell rang. I took the time to give her a hug anyway, and sent her into her class.

As I drove home, I thought about what I should do. One option is to give Chickie a consequence if we're late because she's dawdling. (That was part of our issue this morning.) I may need to do that; she needs to learn to get ready more efficiently, and to care whether she's late or not.

But realistically, I know that there's one person in the house who has the most power over when we leave the house. And it's not Chickie. Or Zoodle. It's me.

I'm the one that sets my alarm at night. I'm the one that decides when to actually get out of bed and wake up Chickie. I'm the one that decides what all really needs to be done before we leave the house. And I'm the one that sets the tone, whether it's one of positivity and relaxation, or one of stress and anger.

So I've decided that we must leave 25 minutes before school starts (if we're driving) and 40 minutes before school starts (if we're walking.) That will get us to school 10-15 minutes early. I just have to build everything around that time. And I know on the mornings when something happens to mess up our plans at the last minute, we'll still have plenty of "cushion" so that we're on time. That means setting the alarm earlier, and choosing an attitude that somehow combines efficiency with patience.

I have a lot of influence over how my daughter's day starts. I want to use my influence for good, every morning!

Why I cried today...

2012-01-29T18:16:00.004-06:00

My best friend (and this baby's mom) Ann did her first half marathon today! I met her at the finish line, and then she showed me what she'd worn on her back for the race.

(Thanks to Ann for providing the close-up shot of the sign.)

So, yeah, I cried. And then later I kept looking at it and thinking about it and getting tears in my eyes again. It totally made my day!

Ann's blog post about the race is WONDERFUL. She explains why she did it for me, and how she considered those 13.1 miles to be her version of "labor and delivery." You've got to read it, here.

GREAT JOB, Ann!! I'm so proud of you!

Smooth sailin'

2012-01-26T05:00:00.001-06:00

I wrote last week about the challenges of being a gestational carrier. I'm so happy to report that these days, the sailin' is smooth.

Ann and I have tried to keep the lines of communication open through this process, but there have been times we just haven't known how to effectively communicate. Lately, however, we've both had breakthroughs that have made a big difference.

By sharing more about her pain, Ann has been receiving wonderful support from the people around her. She's finding so much freedom. I can see that a weight has been lifted from her. It's hard to live in dark places when there are so many people wanting to support you and bring you into light! The reality of cancer and infertility isn't always easy, but Ann is choosing to focus the bulk of her attention on the beauty of this situation, and to accept the love and support of the people around her.

Ann also encouraged me to be more open with her about how I was feeling--even when that's hard for her to hear. It's not easy for me to share things that feel "confrontational," but Ann made it so clear to me that she wants the truth! After writing my blog post, I was able to talk to Ann in more detail about my struggles with this process, and she's been so caring to me. I also have been choosing to enjoy spending time with Ann, instead of withdrawing due to my emotions and hormones.

In other words, Ann and I are both purposefully enjoying this process more, and purposefully doing things that help the other person to enjoy it too. It's a whole lot more fun doing it this way.

I know that the nature of this situation means there may still be emotionally-charged times, and that's okay. But Ann and I both feel we've crossed a bridge, leaving the most difficult times behind us. We're both really excited to experience the next 5+ months of pregnancy together, and to meet an amazing little baby at the end of that time.

Chickie and the BGF

2012-01-23T20:09:00.002-06:00

Chickie is opinionated. And I do love that about her, but it gets annoying when I make her something crocheted and, after telling me she likes it, she decides not to wear it. I beg; I plead; I reason with her...and yet if she doesn't want to wear something, she doesn't want to wear it.

Recently I was stitching a purple hat for a customer. I ran out of yarn when I was about 90% through with the hat...and despite looking online and at four local stores, I couldn't find more of the yarn. It may have been discontinued.

So I decided to start the hat over with a different brand of yarn. But then I was stuck with a hat that was 90% complete.

Until it hit me.... This could be a hat for Chickie! So I pulled out some of the stitches, and made a tighter band that would fit her little head. I ended up with an adorable, slouchy hat. She said she liked it...

...until she wore it to school one day, and quickly took it off her head before she entered her classroom. Sigh. She really cares about what her friends think, and clearly she wasn't sure this hat would meet their approval.

Enter the BGF.

A BGF is the way to a six-year-old little girl's heart. A BGF just might, I thought, make this hat something Chickie would want to wear, even around her friends. A BGF was worth a shot.

BGF...

Big.
Gaudy.
Flower.

So yesterday I got to work with the small amount of purple yarn I had left, and added some hot pink yarn. A while later, I had a genuine BGF, and it was attached to the hat.

Chickie not only wore it into the classroom today; she was wearing it when she came to the car after school. And that BGF even got her some compliments...so I bet she'll wear the hat again.

Hey, I'm the mom of a six-year-old. I gotta add to my toolbox whenever I can...even if the tool is big and gaudy.

What's up?

2012-01-17T08:59:00.005-06:00

This time of year is a little crazy. I've been thinking how I need to blog about the crocheting I'm doing (lots of orders in the winter!), and Chickie's sixth birthday (three days ago!) and The Engineer's and my 12th anniversary (two days ago!) Lots of excitement. At some point I should sit down and gush about my kindergartener and how well she's doing with reading. I should do an interview with Zoodle, who has this awesomely cute voice and face--he definitely needs to be on video more often than he is.

All in time...or maybe not. Life just keeps swirling whether I blog or not!

And in that swirling life, there's the challenging stuff too. The stuff I haven't been blogging about. Well, okay, to be honest, I haven't been blogging about much at all. But I wonder if not blogging about the challenging stuff is stifling my blogging instinct altogether. So, here goes....

The Pregnancy

This journey as a gestational carrier...it's kinda crazy. It's emotional. And not in the ways I expected.

I expected that it might be confusing, bonding with someone else's baby. And so far, that just hasn't been very challenging. We'll see how things go over the next 5 1/2 months...and after the birth, when my hormones may toss me around for awhile!

But so far, I'm really trying to enjoy this pregnancy for what it is. I'm not bonding as a mother with this child, but I'm enjoying carrying him or her. I love my pregnant body. It's got curves it doesn't usually have, and I feel beautiful! I'm feeling little "taps" when the baby moves, and it's such a miraculous thing to know that a small human is growing daily inside me. My whole mindset is different than it was with my kids--as it should be. But I'm enjoying being this child's temporary guardian, and want to continue to enjoy that.

What I didn't anticipate--what I don't think any of us did--was that this journey would be so challenging for Ann. Onlookers (women, anyway) tend to think about how they'd handle being a carrier for someone else. Most people don't think about how it would feel to watch someone else carrying their child.

Ann really wants to carry her own children! When her daughter was carried by someone else, that situation had some really intense, unique stressors, and Ann was dealing with all that. This time, without those stressors, Ann is "free" to really feel. To really grieve the loss of her ability to carry babies. And it has been, at times, very, very painful.

It's also been at times very, very joyful! With the pain and the joy, it's been, as Ann has called it, a roller coaster! And since we are striving to join as partners and truly share this pregnancy, it has been a roller coaster for both of us.

I'll be honest--it's not just Ann! I've been hormonal, and emotional, and sometimes I've pulled away. Our friendship has been challenged with stuff that most friends never have to deal with. We haven't always handled it well along the way, but I think we're handling it well overall. We are communicating--a LOT--about what our needs are in this unique relationship. Ann is learning to share more with me. I'm learning to choose my attitudes instead of being controlled by hormones. We both dream of having a lifelong friendship, and we expect to come out of this particular 9 months with a much deeper bond because of what we're working through.

I see the fight that Ann is fighting, and I rejoice in her victories! She is learning so much about herself, and this time of difficult healing is leaving her stronger, as a woman and a mother and a child of God.

It's just been hard at times. Hard and awesome and emotionally difficult and emotionally thrilling and bitter and sweet. And so totally worth it. Ann and I both dream of that moment when this child comes out of my body and into her arms...that moment when this child's mother holds him or her for the first time. I dream of looking back at the journey and saying, "It was harder than we expected. But it was so much more beautiful than we expected, too."

Ann has given me permission to share links to two posts she recently wrote about her struggles and victories. The first, Resentments, is very "raw" but definitely conveys the depth of her struggles. The second post, In Good Times And In Bad Times, shows how she is finding joy through this process, and not letting the difficult parts overcome her.

The Engineer's Family

In my post about Christmas, I hinted at the difficulties that awaited us when we visited The Engineer's mom and stepdad. At this point, I still can't go into details. I'll just say...aging isn't always easy. Sometimes it's very painful, not just for the person getting older, but for the entire family. Decisions are being made, decisions that aren't easy or fun. And The Engineer is in charge of a whole lot of it.

He's awesome--I'm so proud of him. I see his desire to take the best care of his mother that he can take. I see his desire to make the best decisions that he can make. I see his pain, as he knows that sometimes there aren't any "good" choices, only a "best" choice. In less than a month, some changes will hopefully have been implemented. Honestly, none of us are looking forward to what's coming. We are praying for God's divine intervention in this situation, and as vague as this is, I'd appreciate your prayers too, if you're the praying type.

The pregnancy has to be way up on my priority list right now, and I'm so glad The Engineer is handling all the stuff with his family. He's busy with work and church, and his plate doesn't really have room for one more (big) thing, but he's handling it with a grace that makes me love him more. I just want to choose to trust that God's grace is even bigger than The Engineer's, and that He'll walk with us all through this.

So...that's what's up. And now that it's off my chest...I'm looking forward to writing some fun, "happy mommy" posts. Soon!

Tune into Jeopardy! today!

2012-01-09T08:04:00.004-06:00

Remember how almost two years ago, my sister was on Jeopardy!? I didn't mention it at the time, but her husband had been on the famous quiz show the year before. There are a lot of IQ points in that household!

Now our brother Sean has joined the grand tradition! He'll make his national television debut on Jeopardy! today! The show is syndicated, which means it's shown at different times and on different channels, in various locations. You can find the show time in your area by clicking here.

So tune in and watch Sean today! Apparently you can even see a little of his interview/intro with Alex Trebek on the commercial that airs all day prior to the showing. I'm hoping to watch our local Jeopardy! affiliate today to see if I can catch the ad!

I would like to point out that I feel pretty special.... I'm the only one of the three of us siblings who hasn't been on Jeopardy! How many people can claim such an honor?! In all seriousness, I'm really proud of my big brother Sean, and I know he's really excited. (But no, I don't plan to attempt to make it "three for three." I'm just not as good at trivia as my esteemed siblings, so I'll leave the quiz shows to them!)

In closing, a little Jeopardy!-style answer/question of my own:

A: This word looks weird and misspelled when you type it repeatedly.
Q: What is Jeopardy!?

Pink flowers...green thumb?

2012-01-08T05:00:00.000-06:00

At The Engineer's holiday party for work, we won one of the table centerpieces. It was an amaryllis in a vase. I know very little about plants, and I must say, it wasn't much to look at. It hadn't bloomed, and it looked something like this:

Source

I have a "black thumb." I'm very good at killing plants. But when we were given the box that the centerpiece had come in, it showed photos of the blooms, and they looked really pretty. I figured it was worth a shot--I'd see if I could get this thing to bloom before committing unintentional planticide.

I went to the website listed on the box, and read a bit about caring for amaryllises (amarylli?). Turns out they need very little water--it's a lot easier to over-water than to under-water them. Perfect!

So I gave it a bit of water, and then let it sit. We went on vacation. We came home, and it was a lot taller. I was encouraged to see that it had grown (instead of groaning, as my plants tend to do.)

Then a couple of days later, the bud started to open. It took several days, but eventually we had a gorgeous, big bloom. And then there were two more blooms, several days later!

And I'm proud to show you our beautiful amaryllis, as of today....

I haven't killed it! And it's pretty!

What's next? Maybe a little herb garden? We'll see. For now, I'll just enjoy this proof that my thumb may indeed not be entirely black.

"And so this is Christmas"

2012-01-02T05:00:00.000-06:00

We spent Christmas in California with The Engineer's mom and stepdad. We enjoyed the beauty of far-northern California. We even got to choose our own Christmas tree from the forest!

Honestly, in a lot of ways it was a tough trip. I can't go into detail in this public forum, but The Engineer's mom is in her 80s, and, well, sometimes age makes things complicated. It was an important trip to take, but I am very glad to be home.

Thankfully it wasn't all stressful! Christmas was really lovely. The night before, we put out reindeer food, plus cookies and milk for Santa (with letters from the kids.)

The next morning, the kids got up, and we confirmed that the cookies and reindeer food had been eaten!

We all got gifts we were excited about...

...and we had a really nice, relaxing day together...ending it by eating an "engineered turkey"! I wish I'd gotten a picture--The Engineer made a fantastic turkey. He did his research (like a true engineer) and we ended up with a delicious bird with crispy skin and moist meat.

We stayed in California until the 29th, and then headed back home. The 30th was The Engineer's birthday, and we also had our belated family Christmas that night.

For some reason this Spiderman car/boat/plane toy has been a big hit with Zoodle!

The big toy was Chickie's new Barbie Dream House. (This is a combo birthday-Christmas gift since it's a larger gift than we'd planned to purchase this year.) It was another hit (of course.)

I'm finding Christmas is so much fun as the kids get older. Everything is just so exciting to them. I'm looking forward to next year (or I guess that's really this year--Happy New Year, all!!)

Book Review: The Magic Room

2011-12-29T05:00:00.001-06:00

I recently read The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow, for BlogHer Book Club.

I wanted to like this book. The premise sounded great. Subtitled "A Story About the Love We Wish for Our Daughters," The Magic Room centers around Becker's Bridal, a successful bridal shop in the small town of Fowler, Michigan. Zaslow shares stories of brides who come to Becker's for their dresses. (Part of the experience is trying on favorite gowns in the store's mirrored "Magic Room.") He also focuses on the Becker family who has owned and operated the shop for generations.

Parts of the book really captured my attention. I was interested in the family dynamics of the Beckers in particular, and how they've been affected by the often all-consuming family business.

In general, though, I felt the author tried to do too much with the book. He'd obviously done his research; he shared plenty of statistics about marriage. But in a book that purports to be "About the Love We Wish for Our Daughters," the statistics somehow seemed to get in the way. Each story, about each family, was interesting...yet there were too many. I found myself getting mixed up as Zaslow jumped from one story to another.

If Zaslow had simply made this a story about the Becker family--perhaps with short anecdotes about their clients and occasional statistics about marriage--then The Magic Room might have been more magical...or at least more focused.

To read more about The Magic Room, check out the book's BlogHer Book Club page here.

Disclosure: I was provided with a complimentary digital copy of the book, and a small stipend for participating in this program and providing my honest opinions.

A Crafty Gift

2011-12-24T15:53:00.003-06:00

During the fall, our women at church did a Secret Sister gift exchange. We were matched up anonymously, and brought small gifts to church for each other twice a month. At the beginning of December, we had a party to wrap up the program, and to reveal the matches. We called the program "LIFE Givers," with LIFE standing for "Love Is For Everyone."

I was bringing gifts to a friend whose last name is Mullens. I found a blank tin wall hanger-thingy (already painted red with a white border), picked up some green paint and a silver metallic pen, and also purchased a neat little Christmas tree rhinestone sticker. Here's the finished product!

And a close-up of the cool Christmas tree:

My friend opened it and said, "I love it!" Whew! It's always great when a handmade gift is well-received!

Pregnancy update!

2011-12-17T18:17:00.003-06:00

Well, folks, tomorrow is a big milestone...12 weeks pregnant! Woo hoo!

Thankfully, my first trimester of pregnancy doesn't tend to be miserable. But it's also certainly not when I'm feeling my best. I get queasy, tired, and sometimes pretty cranky. Thankfully, over the last few weeks, those symptoms have been gradually dissipating. I'm feeling much more like myself again these days! And "myself" is a pretty good person to feel like!

I have been released from the fertility center, and we are now going to the birthing center where Zoodle was born. Ann and I had our first prenatal appointment there yesterday, and it was wonderful. The midwife we met with was awesome! She wants to give Ann and me the type of pregnancy and birth we both want--in which everyone treats Ann as the mother. We will meet with the other midwives throughout the pregnancy, and I expect them to all be totally supportive!

I have gained a few pounds...and boy does the belly pop out faster with baby #3! I'm enjoying my little bump and looking forward to its continued growth!

Elf Elephant

2011-12-08T21:55:00.003-06:00

Friday night The Engineer and I will be headed to his company's annual holiday party. We're each supposed to bring a white elephant gift. Like so many other white elephant gift exchanges, there are "good gifts" and "funny gifts." I hope that the hat I made fits both categories!

This is a fun "elf hat." It can be worn slouched in the back (for your inner fashionista)...

...or flopped to the side (for your inner ELF!)

Hopefully it'll be a hit!

A unique way to countdown to Christmas

2011-12-01T08:51:00.004-06:00

I'll be honest--We are a Christian family, but boy do I have a hard time keeping my focus on Christ during Christmas. Yesterday in the car, Zoodle was asking me where Santa lives. I'm not anti-Santa, but it would be kinda cool if he was as interested in Jesus' birth as he is in Santa's house!

One of my blogging friends, Lara, posted a link on Facebook today that looked intriguing. It was for an e-book called Truth is in Tinsel by Amanda White. After checking it out, I purchased my own copy for $4.99.

The book is broken up into 24 days, and we'll start it today. Each day includes a short Scripture reading, points to discuss, and a simple craft. Each craft is an ornament for the tree. (Today's craft looks really fun--a candle made with tissue paper and construction paper.) There's even a "picture and word clue" for the kids to listen to during each daily Bible reading, and when they hear it, we'll take a strip of paper with that word on it (included in the book) and add it to a paper chain.

It's a PDF download, so you don't need a Kindle or other e-book reader to read the book. (And while it's in color, I just now printed it on my black-and-white printer and I'm pretty sure that'll work fine.) It's $4.99, and I think it'll be a really good way for me to help my kids think about the birth of Jesus, and what He means in our lives. They get plenty of Santa information from other sources. This year I'd like them to learn more about Jesus at home!

Click here to check out Truth in the Tinsel. You can even download one day for free.

Disclosure: I was not compensated in any way for this blog post, and I purchased my own copy of the e-book.

The power of poop.

2011-11-29T11:25:00.007-06:00

One of the things that perpetually amazes new parents is just how much their lives can be affected by their children's pee and poop. As adults, we take these biological processes for granted. If we're lucky, we don't have to think too much about it all. But you get a group of moms with young kids together often enough, and eventually they'll be sharing information about their children's "habits." You know, frequency. Color. Consistency (both the "regularity" and the "what texture" types of consistency). It's quite lovely.

So in the interest of honoring such an age-old tradition (heh), I'll share with you what's going on with Zoodle.

A few months back, I blogged about a very expensive trip Zoodle took to the ER, in which we found out he was constipated. It was a pricey way to get inside information on my kid's bowels. The diagnosis surprised me, because he was pooping pretty regularly. But he'd gotten "backed up" and we were instructed to give him Miralax. (We got a generic version.) I used it for about a week, and he seemed to get "cleaned out."

Fast forward to this week. Zoodle has been needing to pee frequently, but is often unable to. I was afraid he had a urinary tract infection, so I took him to the pediatrician today.

His urine was clear, but she said he's probably still constipated, even though, as before, he's been going fairly regularly. However, he's been putting it off until it's really urgent. She explained that the poop can get stuck up in the small intestine in little clumps. Softer stools can still come out, but the child can still be backed up. The intestine can even swell, pushing on the bladder, making him feel like he needs to pee, even when he doesn't.

Wow. So the pee problem was related to the poop problem. The doctor suggested that we give him Miralax daily for six months. The bottle says to only use it for seven days, which is why I stopped giving it to him when he seemed to be better last time. But she explained that the warning is there to make sure that people don't cover up a bigger problem by taking a laxative each day. Zoodle has already had the constipation diagnosis (confirmed by x-ray), so it's fine for him to take the medication for a longer time, to make sure he gets cleaned out and the intestines recover.

The moral of the story? Kids can be constipated even when they're pooping regularly. Even when their poop is soft. And the urgent need to pee isn't always a bladder issue.

I know this post should have a big, red, blinking "TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!" warning on it. But I'm hoping it'll help some other parents. Because I know if you have little kids, you're aware of the power of poop.

Q & A...Carrying a friend's child

2011-11-22T19:41:00.001-06:00

If you missed my post on Saturday, you'll want to read it before you read this one! Here it is: A Big Announcement.

I really appreciate those of you who submitted questions! I have answers for you! (I did reword some of the questions.)

*****

Q. Will it be hard to carry a baby for nine months and then give it away?
A. This is the most common concern I hear! What's most important to realize is that from Day One, I've known this is not my child. That creates an entirely different mindset. (Honestly, at this point it's much harder for Ann than for me. She would really love to be carrying her own child!)

Think of it this way. If my own infant lived with me for nine months and then was taken away, it would be devastating. But let's say a friend (who works full-time) and her newborn come live with me for nine months. I take on a majority of the childcare for those nine months until my friend moves away, as planned. I would miss that baby! But I wouldn't want to keep it. It was never mine.

So I don't anticipate wanting to keep the baby--it's my best friend's baby, biologically and legally! I do anticipate I will miss the baby, after having it growing inside me for so long. Add in postpartum hormones, and I expect it to be an emotional time. But I don't think it will be devastating--just challenging! Mixed in with those challenges will be the joy of seeing that child often, and getting to know it--not as mother, but as auntie!

In order to be approved as a gestational carrier, I had to meet with psychologists and do psychological testing. (The Engineer, Ann, her husband, and I all met with the psychologist together too.) It feels good to know that, while there are inherent challenges in this type of situation, I've been "approved" as the type of person who handles those challenges well!

It also helps tremendously that Ann and I are considering this a "shared pregnancy." We see each other often. She comes to appointments with me. We've found other ways for her to feel connected to the baby and the pregnancy. There are frequent reminders that I am not this baby's mother! I'm just providing it with a place to stay for 9 months. (And the name "Beth" means "House" in Hebrew, so...maybe this is a role I was always meant to play!)

Q. Have you spoken to other gestational carriers about their experiences, unique things to expect as a carrier, emotional ups and downs, etc.?
A. I haven't. There are online message boards for carriers, but I think this is such an individual experience--what I struggle with will be different than what others struggle with. I didn't want to create problems in my head--I really want to stay positive! However, at the psychologist's office, we had an opportunity to discuss potential issues that many carriers and parents encounter. The psychologist who met with all four of us specializes in these situations, so she had great advice.

Q. How do your husband and kids feel about it?
A. The Engineer thinks it's great! When I first brought it up, he was open to the idea but needed time to adjust to it. Eventually he got used to the idea and saw it as a positive, a cool gift I could give to our friends. When the psychologist asked him if he would have trouble giving me emotional support through a pregnancy when it wasn't his child, his response was, "No, she's still my wife!" I loved that--and he has really been a great support to me!

The kids understand it and are excited about the process of pregnancy. They like to see pictures and diagrams of embryos online. They are young enough that they probably don't realize how unique this situation is, and they just "roll with it"! Sunday, Zoodle was talking to some friends of ours, and said, "Mommy has a baby in her tummy. But it's not our baby; it's Coqui and Peanut's [Ann's other kids'] baby. Their mommy couldn't have a baby because she doesn't have a uterus because her uterus got sick." (He's 3 1/2 years old!)

Q. Are you planning a natural birth again? Is there anything unique with how doctors/nurses/midwives will handle your situation?
A. I absolutely want to do another natural childbirth (maybe another waterbirth) at the same birthing center where Zoodle was born. We haven't met with the midwives yet, but I expect them to be very supportive.

Q. Is it/will it be weird having to explain to acquaintances and people you see around town? Do you expect criticism from people who just do not understand, and what will you say to them?
A. It can be a "different" thing to explain, but people love us and have been so supportive! And a large number of my friends are also Ann's friends, so they were already used to the idea since she's been through this process before. As for strangers who make comments when my belly is bigger, I'll just have to figure out what I want to say and when. When someone says to my kids, "Wow, you're going to have a brother or sister!" do I just smile, or briefly explain? (The kids may take care of it for me!) I'll figure it out as I go.

As for criticism, I think the best thing to do is just to briefly educate people on the facts (e.g., this baby belongs to its parents biologically and legally), and stay positive. This process is an awesome thing to be involved in, and I want people to know that--it's not just a blessing for Ann's family; it's a blessing for me too.

Q. Are there legally binding forms you sign going into this that automatically name Ann and her husband as the biological parents when the baby is born?
A. Yes; we have a long contract that covers everything from Ann and her husband's legal parentage of the baby, to my responsibility to follow doctors'/midwives' orders, to the fact that I have no right to name the baby. (I thought that clause was pretty funny!) We worked with lawyers who specialize in these situations. The baby will legally belong to Ann and her husband at birth!

Q. Will you provide breastmilk for the baby?
A. At this point I am not planning to. It's important to me that I be able to emotionally transition from the role of the baby's "temporary home" to the role of the baby's "auntie." Providing pumped milk would, to me, feel like a "mother" task, and it's very important to me that my mind and body remember that Ann is 100% this baby's mother! I'll be adjusting to the baby's absence, and I think that purposefully continuing to lactate would make that adjustment more difficult for me.

*****

I think this is such a cool process, but it's definitely not one that many people are familiar with. I want the people around us to understand it, and I hope the Q&A helped with that!

When I talk to a woman about this situation, she automatically wonders how she'd handle being a carrier. What a lot of women don't think about is what it's like to be a mother who needs to partner with another woman to bear her child. This is really a unique experience for Ann, complete with its own challenges and joys.

Ann has offered to do her own Q&A! If you have questions for her, please post them here as a comment, or email me at cbethblog@gmail.com. I really appreciate her openness! The more we can share, the more people can get used to--and celebrate--the creative ways that God grows families!

A BIG announcement (and a blonde joke)

2011-11-19T05:00:00.003-06:00

Remember back in the '90s when blonde jokes were all the rage? I felt totally justified telling them, because at the time, my hair was dirty blonde. (It got darker as I got older...uh, I mean wiser.) Plus, I knew I had plenty of my own ditzy moments, so I could relate to the jokes! Anyway, there was one joke that I thought was so funny. (And if you have blonde hair, don't take this personally, okay?)

Q: What's the first thing a blonde asks the doctor when he tells her she's pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

Well, here's my big announcement...

I'm pregnant.

And it's not mine.

I know, I know...I've got a lot of explainin' to do!

So, remember my beautiful best friend Ann? The one who has filled such an important spot in my life? Well, Ann is a cancer survivor.

When she found out she had cancer over four years ago, Ann and her husband had a son, "Coqui," who is just a little younger than Chickie. They definitely wanted more children.

Unfortunately, the surgery that removed Ann's cancer (completely--yay!) also left her unable to be pregnant. But her doctor gave her hope--if they could find someone who wanted to be a gestational carrier for them (a more accurate term than "surrogate" for a woman who carries someone else's biological child), then they could have more children--children that were biologically theirs.

Ann and her husband let people know what they were looking for, and her husband's cousin quickly volunteered to be their carrier. In a lab, embryos were created with Ann's eggs and her husband's sperm, and one of them was transferred to their carrier. She became pregnant, and now Ann and her husband have a vivacious little two-year-old daughter, "Peanut."

But there was one embryo left, which was carefully frozen and stored for almost three years. Recently, this tiny little embryo was thawed and placed in my womb. We waited the requisite time for a blood test...and it came back positive! It's official.... I'm pregnant with Ann and her husband's third child! It's pretty ideal--The Engineer and I feel that our family is beautifully complete, and Ann and her husband feel that with one more, their family will be just right. They had an embryo that needed a place to grow; I have a uterus and enjoy pregnancy and childbirth. A great fit, right?

I'll be eight weeks pregnant tomorrow (Sunday, 11/20). We had the pleasure of seeing the perfect little baby on a sonogram this week, with its heart beating at a perfect pace. What a miracle! It will be so beautiful to see Ann and her husband meet their little one in person around July 1 of next year! And I know that child will be so special to me--I'm looking forward to being an honorary auntie!

So, I know this is a lot to take in. Most of us haven't ever known anyone who has been a gestational carrier. I know you probably have some questions, so I invite you to ask them here. You can ask anything--and I'll answer it, as long as I feel comfortable disclosing the information!

This is such a wonderful, beautiful, exciting, and unique experience. It's something I started considering when Ann and her husband were first looking for a carrier, over three years ago! I knew it would be so rewarding and I am deeply blessed and happy that it has worked out. What a huge privilege, to provide a temporary home to a baby who will then have the blessing of joining its wonderful family--a family who is so special to me. Wow--it's pretty awesome!

Ann and I see God's fingerprints all over this. He gave life to those little embryos and is protecting them...two-year-old Peanut, and her tiny sister or brother who's growing perfectly and getting bigger by the day. He gives me the desire to do this, and the excitement for it! He instills faith in Ann and her husband, so they can entrust me with their child for nine months. And we look forward to seeing His amazing creative miracle when this child is born! God is the One behind this--we want Him to have the glory!

Thanks for sharing in our excitement!

(Oh, and I hope to be blogging more often now. My mind has been so distracted by this exciting process and by early pregnancy that I haven't been on Twitter, Facebook, or my blog as often! Now that I am sharing this with my online community, I hope to be talking to you all more frequently!)

Bring on those questions...! (Don't be afraid to ask them!)

You can read Ann's announcement post here.

Edited to add: You can read my first Q& A post here--the answers to your questions may be there, but if not, ask away!

Isn't my kid so cute and amazing?!

2011-11-10T13:03:00.003-06:00

I just thought I'd go ahead and give the post that title--because let's be honest, that's what mommy brag posts should be titled, right? (The alternate title could be "Please don't be TOO annoyed as I post photos that I find incredibly cute because I'm incredibly biased.)

But, hey, I do think Chickie is cute and amazing, and my biased heart loves this little book she made, on her own, at home the other day.

Title Page

I like, by Chickie

Page 1

I like eating

Page 2

I like looking

Page 3

I like playing

The phonetic spelling, the sappy-sweet smiley faces, the tails on her D'Nealian letters.... Only one thing I can say about that...

I like Chickie!

Why I like YELLOW

2011-11-07T05:00:00.001-06:00

Chickie's kindergarten class uses a color system for discipline.

GREEN: Well-behaved. (Everyone starts on green.)
YELLOW: Warning.
ORANGE: Sit out from 10 minutes of a "special" (like P.E. or music.)
BLUE: Sit out from a special, and teacher calls parents.
WHITE: Referral to assistant principal.

When students misbehave to the point that they need to progress on the discipline scale, they have to move their own "clips" (clothespins) to the next spot on a color-coded bar in the classroom.

Chickie usually stays on green. When she does, she gets a reward--she can ride her scooter to school the next day (instead of walking.) About once a week, however, she gets in the car at the end of the day and says,

"Mommy, I had to move to yellow."

We talk about what happened. It's small stuff, such as playing at a time when she's supposed to be learning. She hasn't had to move beyond yellow, and so far, just the disappointment of moving her clip has been enough consequence for her. I don't give her more consequences at home. I'm thrilled that she's so open with me about school, even when she misbehaves.

And you know what? I'm kind of glad she's not on green every single day.

You see, I was a very compliant, very "good" kid. But I know what I had to go through internally to be that "good." I was a perfectionist. I feared failure. When I very, very occasionally misbehaved enough that my name was written on the board (the 1980s version of "moving to yellow"), I was so nervous the rest of the day--so worried I'd get a checkmark by my name and get a real consequence, like detention.

My good behavior was somewhat motivated by the desire to do the right thing, and that's great. But my good behavior was also motivated by fear. Doing something wrong made me feel so guilty and so anxious. I didn't want to go through that. I also feared doing something to displease the teacher.

Yes, I want my children to make good choices. But I also want them to be kids. I want them to make mistakes, and to learn from those mistakes, and then to go out and make a few more. When they learn to behave better, I want it to be because they've realized life really works better when you do the right thing--not because they're afraid of doing something wrong.

I'm glad Chickie's clip usually stays on green. And don't tell her this...but I'm also glad she occasionally has to move it to yellow--and that she still realizes how wonderful she is, at any color.

Foxy lady!

2011-10-27T08:43:00.003-05:00

I recently got a special order for a crocheted fox scarf. This definitely turned into one of the most fun pieces I've designed! Here it is, the Foxy Lady Scarf:

This little toggle clasp slips between crochet stitches to attach the head to the body or tail of the fox (as it's being worn in the first photo.)

Christmas will be here before we know it. It's a great time to get in your orders for hats, scarves, handbags, or other items! Click on the "Crochet Examples" tag at the bottom of this post to see more, and email me at cbethcrochet@gmail.com with your ideas. I love doing custom designs!

Kissin' Kindergarteners

2011-10-21T15:38:00.004-05:00

A few months back, Chickie and her friend Coqui kissed each other at church--a couple of times. Big ol' smooches on the lips. We adults couldn't help but laugh, but we also made it clear to them that kissing is really for when they get older--at this age, hugs are more appropriate! They took our words to heart, and now they give each other frequent, enthusiastic hugs.

Today on the way home, Chickie told me about one of the boys in her class who had hugged her and kissed her, when she didn't want him to. I asked her how it made her feel. "Icky" was the word she used to describe it, and that was a red flag to me. This was no consensual kissing--or hugging!

"What did you do about it?" I asked her. She responded that she told her teacher. Yay!! She did exactly what I want her to do in these situations--told her teacher immediately, and told me too. Her teacher used their discipline system to give the boy a consequence.

Now, I know that exploring appropriate forms of affection is totally normal at age five. But I also think it's never too early for my daughter to learn that she should have boundaries, and that she has permission to enforce them.

So I told her she can push a boy away if he's trying to hug or kiss her and she doesn't want it. "I can push him?" she asked, surprised. I made it clear that if she can get away without pushing him (just walking away as he approaches), she should. But if anyone (except a younger kid who doesn't know better) tries to touch her in a way that makes her feel icky and she can't just walk away, she can push.

I then emailed her teacher to update her on the conversation I'd had with Chickie. I feel that it's important for her teacher to know that it was a big enough deal for my girl to talk to me about it, and I also wanted her to know that I'd given my daughter permission to push, within certain guidelines!

I've got to be partners with her teacher if I want this year to be a good one. So far, it has been--this is the only real concern I've had to bring up with her teacher. She responded quickly to my email. She told me that they suggest the child say "Stop" and then tell the teacher. They can't advocate pushing, but if someone is holding onto them and they can't get away, of course they can do what they must to get out of the situation. Sounds like a good plan to me, and one that I'll be reinforcing in later conversations with Chickie.

What about you? Do you remember dealing with these issues when you were a kid? Or have you dealt with them with your own children?

Focus

2011-10-17T05:00:00.000-05:00

I've got big stuff on my mind right now and I've been wanting to find joy in the exact circumstance I'm in, every day.

As I was walking home the other day after dropping off Chickie at school, I was worrying about this big stuff that's on my mind. I was fighting in myself to trust God instead of indulging in worries.

Then I started really paying attention to Zoodle, who was riding in the stroller. He was playing a silly game on my phone in which he says something into the phone, and a cat repeats what he said in an altered voice. He was giggling in delight as he made funny noises and heard them repeated. So I took the phone and started saying my own little messages.

We both laughed, and I realized--finding joy doesn't just apply to the big stuff in my life, the stuff that consumes my attention. Lots of times that big stuff doesn't really need that much attention.

Finding joy also means looking away from that big stuff, and enjoying the small stuff. (Funny thing is, the small stuff tends to put the big stuff in perspective.)

Next time my mind is warring between worry and joy as I look at all of life's unknowns, I hope I can turn my attention to a giggling kid or a great song or a sweet moment with my husband--all the simple things God gives me to experience joyfully...every day.

For Dennis

2011-10-11T21:20:00.003-05:00

Photo credit

Back in 2003, I became involved in a community theatre. I met Dennis, who is the mustachioed gentleman in the middle of this photo. (It's a cast photo from the play we did together.)

We started as fellow actors. I met his wife Teri, and before they moved out of state, they became my real estate clients. But underneath it all, always, we were friends. Even with only occasional contact, we cared about each other. Last year they moved back to town, and once again they were my clients. It was wonderful to get to know them all over again.

Yesterday Dennis passed away after a hard-fought battle with cancer. I want to share some of my memories of him.

Dennis and Teri gave me the chance to help them sell a really awesome home, when I was still new to real estate. What's better, they trusted me through the process. That trust was a gift to me. What a great way to encourage me to be a great agent, and to build my confidence.
After they moved, Dennis and Teri drove back to town to watch me in a play. That meant so much to me!
A number of months later, I drove to their new home to watch Dennis play Daddy Warbucks in Annie. What a great role for him! He already had the acting and singing skills; he just had to shave his head, and he was a wonderful Daddy Warbucks. I bet those kids loved acting with him! And he and Teri were such sweet hosts. I'm so glad I took that trip.
He used to share openly about his experience coming home from Vietnam...about the warm welcome he didn't receive. So sometimes on Veteran's Day I'd send him an email, thanking him for serving. He responded with such warmth. I know I'll be thinking about him on November 11.
It was so great to reconnect with Dennis and Teri when they moved back to town last year. I had the pleasure of representing them as they built a house. I remember sitting in the car with Dennis. I think Teri was out walking a piece of land they were considering building on. "The most important thing," he told me, "is that Teri is happy. I know that this cancer may be what takes my life. I want to make sure she's in a place where she feels comfortable." No wonder she loved him so much!
When Teri called me earlier today to let me know about Dennis' passing, she told me, "I wanted to make sure I called you in person, because you've always been so special to us." It meant so much--so much--to hear that. They've been so special to me too. It's possible to feel close to someone even if you only see them or talk to them occasionally. That's how the relationship between me and Dennis/Teri has been. We respect each other. We love each other.

I'm going to miss my friend Dennis.

Volume control

2011-10-09T05:00:00.001-05:00

We sat around the dinner table the other day with some friends. With four adults and four kids, there was a lot going on, and Zoodle definitely hasn't fully grasped the quiet, "inside voice" concept yet. His voice rose above the rest.

"Zoodle!" The Engineer said, exasperated. "Why are you talking so loud? You need to learn some volume control!"

We went on with dinner, and a minute or two later, Zoodle's voice piped up,

"What's vawyoom contwoah?"

We all laughed, and Daddy and I explained the "volume control" concept to him. But that wasn't enough. He followed up our explanations with questions about what "vawyoom" means, and what "contwoah" means.

And when we were done, he proved to us that he does indeed have volume control. The control just happens to be stuck on "LOUD."