Chronicwriter

499. Have you dunnit?

2012-01-27T16:40:00.002+05:30

Remember this? The Natraj Pencil which most of us would have used when we were in school! I would use the pencil sharpener to create such flower designs from the pencil wood. Have you dunnit?

This post will take us all back down memory lane.

Have you been a victim of corporal punishment? Kneeling down, Put chair, raising hands, out-standing-student are some of the terms that will flash across many minds. Have you dunnit?

Bed wetting is an International sport of any child. I have played this sport till I was 10 years old. How many of you have played this sport for longer period of time? My college mate Robert used to play this sport even when we were in college.

One of the favorite games for any child is the "hide and seek " game. Most children select the "bed" to hide. I recently played this game with my niece and nephew and I was seeing history repeating itself in front of my own eyes.

If you have not eaten big fun, you have missed the cream of your childhood. The small stamp that has details of cricketers accompanies Big fun bubble gum. Big fun was the fore runners of the Trump card games.

Cassette tapes and Video cassettes were a part of our life in the 70s,80s and 90s and the children of the present day are missing a great deal in life because of CDS and USBs. How many of you have pulled the tapes out of the cassettes? I used to put a pen inside the cassette hole and used to manually rewind it for my favorite songs.

Parents would say ," Don't play with the electric switch board". But that would not deter us from playing with switches. I have often tried to balance the switch between the ON and OFF position to see when exactly the light goes off. Have you dunnit?

The kindergarten school kids of the present generation start their writing exercises in note books. But during those days, we had a black slate and a small chalk piece. Holding the chalk piece and writing the letter A on the slate would bring a great deal of joy to the mother of the kid.

Bril Ink was a part of my life during my entire primary, high school and higher secondary school days. One student would lend some drops of ink from one pen to another pen. The inks are also sometimes sprayed on the white uniform shirt of students especially on the last day of school.

Travelling like slaves in auto rickshaws does not end in school. An IT corporate employee still travel in cabs and buses like this. I have traveled like this in an auto rickshaw. We would all fight to sit in the front seat next to the auto rickshaw driver.

Now , How many among you have played this game. It should be the national sport of India. All you need is a tyre and a small stick. Some of the greatest tyre controllers are 3 year old kids. I have done this. Have you dunnit?

RingAringA Roses... The official girl gang game. Boys also play this game. I really don't know what fun we get from a game where eventually all fall down. But that's the great boon of being a child; you get to have fun on any game that might sound foolish to others.

I feel like playing some game that I used to play when I was a child. What about you?

Please mention the games you played when you were a child

- Chronicwriter

498. All about windows

2012-01-22T15:45:00.000+05:30

Windows!

I don't know who coined that word and I don't even know who built the first window. The first window might have been the window in Noah's ark. But I am not sure of the exact purpose with which our forefathers designed and invented windows for.

Now a days Windows are used for many purposes. When I was a little boy, I used to climb the window grill at my house. When my mom chased me around the house to beat me, I would climb the window and enter the top rack near the roof. The window used to help me a lot. But then we moved to our own house and the architecture of the house was so different. There were no more racks near the roofs and the french windows made it impossible for me to climb.

In 1985 Microsoft launched its operating system and called it Windows. My dad first bought home a computer in the year 1992 and then we had the Windows 3.0 operating system. Now we have a whole garbage of windows versions. Why did they name an operating system as windows? Those who named it will give lot of philosophically right reasons for that name; but they too just named it without a clue. Now windows is famous and lets not bother trying to figure why they named it windows.

If not for windows and keyholes, the peeping toms would never have found a place for themselves on earth. The above line is not true, because a peeping tom would invariably find his own way to take a peek into the personal lives of others. Still who cares? The peeping Toms would be smiling reading this paragraph. For those who do not know what a peeping Tom means ~ don't worry. We all are peeping Toms. How many of us have watched the Nithyananda-Ranjitha romance video on Sun TV and on YouTube?

Moving to a different area, Windows are also used to dry clothes. For many Indian men, the horizontal beam in the window is the official underwear drying spot. You can identify such men by looking at their underwear. When I walk out of my house, I am always greeted by all the clothes that dry at my neighbor's window. Researches show that those who dry their clothes in the window live a long and happy life.

Windows are also the target for rubber balls by kids. Windows have the magnetic power to attract rubber balls towards them. The windows have played a major role in creating fights between little children and older people.

Windows have also become an integral part of ladies blouses. In olden days, Indian women never wore blouses for sarees. Then they started wearing blouses. As days went by doors, grills and windows became mandatory designs in the blouses. When I was class 12, my class girls wore sarees only on the final school day function. On that day, we came across many window versions. Even today the window blouses are still very much in use. Some of the blouses with windows have no frames.

What comes to your mind , when you think of WINDOWS?

-Chronicwriter

497. Yawn

2012-01-18T10:56:00.001+05:30

Finally I am awake from a long blog slumber. Yes It was a long sleep. Today, I opened my mail box to see a number of mails from readers who had inquired about the reason for my absence from my blog. Some of the mails reminded me that I used to be funny and that I am not funny anymore. Some mails made me happy because the readers considered me as their daily dose of humor giver. Some mails were from girls who wrote that they are gonna commit suicide because I am not single anymore. There was one guy who had sent his resume to work as HR manager for Chronicwriter incorporation. (Sangamey abaraadhathula odum bodhu ippadi oru letter-a?). Immediately I decided to reply to all the mails. I even thought of coming up with answers for all the emails. Some of the answers were

1) I had too much of sugarcane for pongal and hence was being treated for diabetes

2) I was waiting for Vijay's nanban movie and was shocked to see him finally do a good performance after 15 years and it took some time to come out of the shock

3) I was screened by Kapil Sibal.

I was thinking of so many answers. But I was pretty sure that people are so smart these days that they would google the answer or wiki the real story from the Internet.Hence I am gonna tell the truth here.

Wikipedia has been a villain to me for many years. When ever I come up with a story, someone will say ,"Chriz, you are so wrong because wiki tells a different story". I got so angry with wikipedia and decided to block wikipedia for one day. Yes Wikipedia will be blocked today (18 Jan 2012) through out the world.

The engineers at wikipedia tried their level best to resolve the issue. Soon they found that I blocked wikipedia. Hence they gave up the fight and came up with a poster saying that Wikipedia will be shut down for a day to fight against anti piracy. Now all the school kids, college students and working professional around the globe will suffer on 18th January. So 18th january can also be announced as a world holiday. Okay Let me cut the non-sense here and write something useful here

Where shall I start this post now. Ok lemme first wish everyone a Happy New year. 2012 will be a year when the mayan calendar would be put to shame. The Mayans never knew that we have super star Rajnikanth. His son-in-law Dhanush's song "Why this kolaveri di" has become a viral phenomenon across the globe. My house maid hums this song when ever I give her some extra work. Dhanush has become an international star now. The problem with super hit songs is that you will like the song the first few days and after a point of time, when everyone starts singing the song and when you start hearing it everywhere you start disliking the song. Kolaveri has reached that level. It has more hits than any Michael Jackson youtube uploads. I am glad that Rajnikanth did not sing the song. If so, it would have become the national anthem by now.

By the way, I have put on weight. Yes my wife cooks well and now I have a pot belly too. More posts about married life will be posted this year. It is a slow and late start to the year and I started this post with a yawn. It is gonna be a great year indeed. Will I ever write about Renu in the future? I have to ask my wife's permission for the same.

Now I have written a post for the sake of opening my account in 2012. Every new year post should have a message for the audience and the following picture conveys the message for all of us.

Be good and stay safe and have a wonderful year.

-Chronicwriter

496. Your Typing style reveals your mood.

2011-12-24T12:45:00.000+05:30

When I was three years old, I wrote my first love letter to my kindergarten girlfriend Renu. The letter was confiscated by my teacher and she told that I would become a writer in future. Her prediction has come true. To read my first love letter click here [link]

Over the years , I have come across people speaking in different styles of English. Some speak in a way that people like me can understand. Some use complicated sentences and sophisticated language and make it hard for people like me to understand. Some have pathetic English and some kill the language by speaking in a manner thinking that they sound cool. I have admired some of them for their skills and some of them make me laugh.

When Mobile phones came into the market, the art of texting came into existence. English was redefined. People tried their level best to communicate in fewer letters and thus gave birth to the new word Text-Language. With the advent of Social Networking sites, everyone have started to communicate with everyone through these networks. In those days, everyone communicated face-to-face and through voice; but these days ~ majority of communication happens via FB comments.

When people used to talk face to face, we could understand their emotions from the words they use and from their facial reactions and from their non verbal signals and also from their past record. But when a person converses with us via social media; especially through typing, it becomes very difficult to understand what mood they are in. But after spending 12 years in social media starting from yahoo messenger's ASL, I have found a way to find the mood of the person based on his/her typing style. My findings are given below.

Consider this sentence :-

"I would like to say that I had a wonderful birthday "

Now let us identify the mood of those who use the above sentence based on how they type the sentence. Some of the sentences will even reveal the gender of the person.

I would like to say that I had a wonderful birthday - Normal Mood

I wud lyk 2 sae dat I hd a wndrfl burthdayyy - Definitely a girl ( Teen Mood)

I WoUlD LiKe tO SaY ThAt I HaD A WoNdErFuL bIrThDaY - a Girl who had a paralytic attack while typing the line

I would like to sayki thatki I had a bahuth wonderful birthday - if this person is a girl, her character is very similar to Rakhi Sawant's. If this person is a boy, he is just another north Indian boy

I'd like - This person is suffering from dysentery.

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I HAD A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY - This one is very angry. No body gave any gift

♥I wud like to say that I hada super duper fantabulous yummy cake and love you all those who made my day special with those gifts and hugs to all ♥ - This is a girl. The ♥ reveals the gender of the person. Now many boys have started using the heart symbol too.

My Happy birth day was fine - Simple men and Old aunties

Machi open the bottle - Our Tamil Kudimagans.

- Chronicwriter

495. Kapil Sibal and the Screen.

2011-12-08T16:12:00.010+05:30

There were days when Justin Bieber used to Trend for eternity on Twitter. Then the change came. Recently Ravindra Ashwin trended when he scored a century. Sunny Leone also trended when she appeared on Big Boss. Please don't google to find who this Sunny Leone is. You might invite trouble free of cost.

This week, When I logged into my twitter account, I found Kapil Sibal trending on twitter. Why would a politician trend on twitter was the first question that came to my mind. Then I found that Kapil had actually tried to build a Berlin wall for Facebook users. Whether Kapil Sibal has any idea about Facebook or not, is a totally different question that has to be answered by a team of experts headed by Rakhi Sawant.

Kapil Sibal used the word SCREEN more than once. He wanted Facebook to screen the contents of anything that is posted on Facebook. Here I present some tips for Kapil to effectively use the SCREEN.

This is THE Kapil Sibal with his trademark hand gesture.

Now we will see how we can use the SCREEN. We can use the Screen to cover the face. It will protect mosquitoes from biting the face. It will also not allow him to see his own face in the mirror.

He can use the Screen to cover the mole on his cheek. This will improve his glamour and thus will give him an opportunity to be rated as one of the handsome men in the world.

By placing the screen on one of his eyes, he can give a serious competition to the Somalian Pirattes.

But, the best place for the Screen is His mouth

UnIdentified sources say that the word Kapil Sibal is now a synonym for the words BEEP, CENSOR and #$%@

-Chronicwriter

494. When my wife cooks.

2011-11-22T14:24:00.004+05:30

When my wife cooks

For those who know me personally,you would know that I love cooking. Chicken is my favorite dish. When I was a bachelor, I always had friends coming over to my place and I just loved to cook for them. The love for cooking started when I started living away from home. In the beginning I missed home cooked food made by mom. But later when I learnt to cook, I started enjoying it.

When I was a kid, I hated Idlis. I used to throw them out of the window when ever my mom made idlis for breakfast. Now I miss those idlis.

My cooking diary takes me back to those days when I learnt to cook by boiling water [link]

My bachelor days came to an end and a new member has started to share the house with me. I call her my wife. Joan is her name. Joan cooks food in her own style and like most south Indian Husbands , I also started saying ,"Joan, My mom's cooking style is the best style".

Joan has a poor eye sight (She said Yes to marry me). The biggest blunder Joan made in her married life was when she said, "Honey, You are not allowed inside the kitchen. I will do the cooking". She sure would regret her words. I obeyed her words sincerely and have not entered the kitchen ever since.

Sometimes she doesn't read the entire recipe and ends up creating a new dish. The other day she made chicken soup and misread the "add 1/4 tsp salt" as "add 1/4 cup salt". Drinking that soup was almost like taking a bath in the sea water. It was an experience of sorts.

Two lessons learnt by my wife in the kitchen

Oil and water are enemies and they war with each other inside a frying pan
Opening a Hot pressure cook will give you a steam bath

Last week, I had crispy Papads for breakfast. Later I was informed that it was poori. I posted it on FB and I was beaten black and blue by my wife. I just recovered from bruises. But I am still living under-cover in my own house.

This morning, She told me that she would make Biriyani for me. You would know about my condition in my next post.

Till then, have fun

and

Happy Eating !

-Chronicwriter

493. The death of Kamalinga Kaju (Horror Movie)

2011-11-18T20:35:00.003+05:30

My second movie. No one was hurt while filming this movie. Watch this movie at your own risk. Parental (Non) Guidance is necessary. Will this movie win the Oscars?

-Chronicwriter

492. Cold War

2011-11-18T17:02:00.001+05:30

The word Cold War came into existence in the mid 1900s when the communist states in Soviet Russia fought for power. An actual war did not take place; but every move by the states was a proof that they hated each other.

We find this cold war everywhere. It exists between a Husband and wife to find who makes the rule at home. It exists between a brother and sister to find who gets the better treatment from their parents. It exists between siblings for the fight for the TV remote control. When two people end up sitting next to each other for a time period, they eventually end up developing Cold War. This is the same case with countries. When it is the case of two people, when they develop cold war, they can move away from each other and give each other some breathing space. But when cold war erupts between two countries, they cannot move away from each other. The cold war finally results in war.

Israel and the surrounding countries always fight with each other (All for a piece of Land ~ Just like little kids fighting for a piece of paper). There is constant tension between India and China and India and Pakistan for possession of land. The people living in the borders are the victims to the cold war that exist between the different countries.

India and Pakistan have warred with each other and India has had the upper hand in all three occasions. The hatred is so much that both the countries take their hatred on the innocent people of both countries. India blames Pakistan and Pakistan blames India and the blame game is a never ending story.Innocent victims lose their lives; where as Dawood Ibrahim stays healthy in Pakistan and Ajmal Kasab stays healthy in India. On the flip side few people have broken this barrier that was created because of this cold war.

1. Suleman Mirza and Madhu Singh

These two are an amazing dance pair. Suleman is a Pakistani dancer who dances like MJ and Madhu Singh is an Indian who is a class act in Bhangra. Together they make a deadly dance combination. They stole every one's heart in the talent show ~ "Britain's got talent". If you have not seen their dance magic, please check their wonderful dance moves in YouTube.

2. Rohan Bopanna and Aisam Ul-Haq-Qureshi

In Tennis, everyone would remember "The woodies" (Todd and Mark) , The Bryan Brothers and The Indian Express (Leander and Mahesh). But how many of you know about the Indo-Pak express? The Indo-Pak pair of Bopanna and Qureshi are a class act and they play wonderful serve and volley game. They are a great example that two people from these two countries can actually be winning partners.

3. Sania Mirza and Shoaib Malik

I really do not whether they have done their country proud. Sania showed initial spark in her tennis career. But that soon flew away. She often gets blanked by her opponents in the very first round of grand slams. Her Hubby is not even playing competitive cricket. That would mean that they get enough time to spend with each other as their professional playing career ends even before it starts.

I am an Indian and I am thinking of partnering with a Pakistani for a noble cause. If I do so, I would also join in this elite list. I am still contemplating on two things

1) The person to partner with

2) The Cause

Care to give suggestions ?

-Chronicwriter

491. Laziest people in the world.

2011-11-09T16:34:00.005+05:30

With the advancement of technology man is becoming lazier and lazier everyday. There was a time when I used to come home from school, take a bath, change my clothes and go out to play cricket with my friends. I used to be brisk and hyper active. But these days , the story has changed. I come home and land in the couch and reach for the remote control and just lie there and watch TV till dinner time. Most of the time I wouldn't even remove my socks.

Even when I use the laptop, I used to lie down on the bed and write blog posts. Then one day I saw that a man died because of using laptops in bed. Then I stopped using lap tops in bed. But still I am lazy. Every payment transaction is done online these days. Yes it saves time. It also makes us lazy. We don't have to stand in queues in banks and we don't have to stand in queue to pay electricity bills.

There are lazy people in each and every field. In Cricket, the laziest batsman I have ever seen is Inzamam Ul Haq. How many times we would have seen him running himself out. It all started with the famous Flying Johnty dismissal. Then it became an every day affair with Inzamam.

How can we forget Arjuna Ranatunga, who had great difficulty in running between the wickets. He invented the walking between the wicket syndrome.

If Inzy and Ranatunga are alow runners between the wickets, Chanderpaul is a slow stander in front of the wicket. His stance is as though he has just recovered from a piles operation. He stretches his legs so wide and one whole family can sit between his legs and finish dinner while he bats.

My European friend Steve is so lazy to stand and pee. Hence he has placed a chair in his loo. He performs the Volcano by sitting in his chair.

I am very lazy to complete this post. Right now I am so lazy like the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

(The last Japanese flag joke was uttered by my friend Shalomie.)

Have you come across any Lazy people in your life? Tell us about them.

-Chronicwriter

490.Little Terrorists

2011-11-02T12:06:00.001+05:30

Diwali is finally over. It was supposed to be the festival of lights. But in Chennai it became the festival of Noise pollution.I wasn't able to drive the car because of lack of visibility andI had to stay indoors because of the smoke.

The little boys in our colony ( I live in a small colony) were like little terrorists the whole week. Every one of them had a fire cracker in their hand. The dogs in the colony disappeared from the scene. These dogs used to terrorize the colony on other days by chasing the little kids, howl and bark in chorus in the nights. But they went to invisible mode during Diwali.

The little boys also targeted the elderly couple in our colony. The kids play cricket in the colony and every now and then, they would hit the ball into one of the houses. The old folks in the colony create a fuss and they never give the ball back to the kids. I seriously have no clue what they do with the balls!?! So during Diwali time, the kids payback by bursting crackers, sending rockets aimed at their target houses. For once I even thought that they were dangerous than terrorists.

Should crackers be banned? I would not say so. Personally I would not prefer to burst crackers. But I would not impose my thoughts on anyone and I would not cry out loud and say " Stop Bursting Crackers". In India many Fire Cracker manufacturing units employ Children for labor work [link]. If we could give education to all the children, then I would also join the cry and shout "Say No to Fire Crackers".

Can you see this kid below. His name is Raju Naik (Name Changed). He is 5 years old. He loves to burst fire crackers too. But he has never done that in his life. Reason~ Poverty. His parents find it difficult to meet both ends meet and many a days , he does not even have one meal per day; the whole family has been content by drinking just water on many occasions. He says that he wants to become a Pilot and fly air-planes. One might laugh at him when he says those words. But he says those words with such confidence. There are thousands of Rajus in the country and all of them have dreams. As of now, their dreams appear to be unrealistic. But you and I can make their dreams come true.

Help A Child of India is an NGO that caters to the needs of Children living in poverty. It just takes Rs500/- per month to sponsor one child's education. You and I who have got all the privileges, can extend our helping hands to the under-privileged. If you think, that you can make a difference in the lives of Children like Raju, just click the above picture and start sponsoring.

Let us put a smile on the faces of those in need.

-Chronicwriter

489. Curiosity Kills

2011-10-19T12:06:00.004+05:30

When I was a little boy, I was a big time fan of the classic cartoon series "Tom and Jerry". Even now it never fails to make me smile. In the late 80s and the early 90s Tom and Jerry was screened in Doordarshan between 4pm to 4.30 pm. I and my sister would sit in front of the TV sets and we would cheer Jerry for his pranks against Tom. In fact no one liked Tom except my sister.

My sister and I fought like cats and dogs when we were kids.

When it comes to sports I was a fan of Martina Navratilova, Gabriella Sabatini, Monica Seles, Sanchez Vicario. She was a fan of Steffi Graf.On the Men's draw I was a fan of Stefan Edberg, Agassi and Becker and she was a fan of pistol pete.

So Invariably if I like A, she would like B. That would make me to hate B and our egos were very strong on not liking the same thing.

I liked the Brazilian football team. Romario and Ronaldo were my favorite footballers. She liked the Argentinian football team even though she did not know anyone in the team.

I liked Sachin Tendulkar and she liked Vinod Kambli and she cried along with Kambli when India lost to Srilanka in the semifinals of the 1996 cricket world cup at Eden Gardens.

This must have been the case with those who have siblings. Many among you can relate to this. Now why did I name the post as "Curiosity kills" ? Yeah! I remember it now. In Tom and Jerry cartoon, there was this lady of the house who used to spank Tom every now and then. Only her legs would be seen on TV.

Both my sister and I had one common desire ~ To see the face of the lady. Many a times, we have gone closer to the TV and have tried to peek into the top corner of the TV to find how her face would look like. Have you done that too?

-Chronicwriter

488. Acquired Breaking News Virus.

2011-10-14T11:19:00.004+05:30

NDTV and TimesNow are the two leading OPINION makers in India. They telecast their own opinions which contradict each other. These two channels suffer from a dangerous disease called as Acquired Breaking News Virus.

Little kids usually fight with each other for numero-uno position. I finished eating first. I finished doing the homework first. I finished coloring the book first. I finished my potty time first. The kids fight for everything. Competition is in the blood of every human being. This competitive spirit when it crosses the limit transforms into a disease called ABNV. This disease has hit both these channels. This whole disease was discovered a couple of years ago when Ajmal Kasab and co stormed into Mumbai and warred with India. Both these News Channels were fighting with each other trying to claim that they were the first channel to break the News. After that incident, they are Breaking every day. CNN-IBN and Aaj Tak are also transmitters of the ABNV.

Viewers suffer from Breaking News Syndrome when they watch these channels. Children complain that they are seeing the word BREAKING NEWS on their text books. Corporate employees are also complaining that they are seeing the word BREAKING NEWS on their computer screens.

Viewers also suffer from uneasy sleep and nausea. They get bad dreams of Barkha Dutt, Arnab Gowsami and Karan Thappar Breaking their Sleep with Breaking Dreams. My wife Joan got scared when I woke up in the middle of the night shouting "Breaking News Breaking News".

Some of the Breaking News Caption that comes on TV these days

Police arrest everyone on February 22
Man executed after long speech.
Man accused of killing attorney receives a new attorney.
Bihaar's literacy program shows improvement. ( See how Bihar is spelt)
Commissioner of Delhi Police Has Lost His Dog
Finally Commissioner Dog Came to House
Ruling Congress Top Leader Rahul Gandhi Lunch Menu was also a breaking news.
Big B catches a cold.

If you have come across any funny BREAKING NEWS , please post it in the comments section.

-Chronicwriter

487. Before and After Marriage

2011-10-12T11:13:00.012+05:30

Driving the car

Before Marriage (BM) : 140 kmph on the EC road in Chennai in my Alto car

After Marriage (AM) : Not allowed to cross 50 kmph on the same EC road in Chennai. Wife's eyes are always on the speedo-meter. Once the 50kmph mark is crossed, I get pinched.

Spending Time at Home

BM : Bachelor-hood is indeed Heaven on earth experience for a man. One can spend the night anywhere. I had slept on my car, I had slept at my friends places. I have remained awake some nights too chatting with friends.

AM : Gotta be at home before 8 pm.

Diet

BM : Breakfast - Usually empty stomach; Lunch - Meals in a hotel near office; Dinner - cooking at home or eating out with friends

AM : Breakfast - Yummy food cooked by wife; Lunch - Yummy food cooked by wife; Dinner - Yummy food cooked by wife

Resting

BM: I can sleep anywhere. On the couch on the balcony and even on the chair. The Pillows did not have a pillow cover.

AM: Live life king size in a King size bed, with super good pillows with beautiful pillow covers.

Friends

BM: Friends walk into the house at any time of the day and night.

AM : Friends are allowed to enter the house only after they fix appointments with me. They are also allowed to sit only in the drawing room.

Washing Clothes

BM : Once a month. The blue jean trouser enters the washing machine only once a year

AM : Clothes are washed everyday. The Blue jean trousers are washed often.

Morning Coffee

BM : Ten minute walk to the Nayar coffee shop where all the bachelors would be drinking their bed coffees sitting in a wooden bench

AM : Bed coffee is served in bed.

House

BM: The house looks like Malinga's hair style

AM : The house is organised and it looks like a home.

BM : No fights for the remote control I could watch the sports channels and the News channels in peace

AM : Couch-war for the remote control. Channels are changed every five minutes. No one watches any programme fully.

Humor

BM: Playing pranks on everyone and having a good time

AM: Playing a prank will be dangerous if the wife has a frying pan in her hand.

Moral of the Post : You don't become a super Hero , once you get married. It's gonna be the same life, but with a lot of responsibilities and commitments. Take the plunge and live life KING SIZE.

-Chronicwriter.

486. Facebook has attained Puberty

2011-09-22T11:42:00.008+05:30

When Facebook was launched in the year 2004, I and my friends did not take it seriously. We were busy on social networking platforms like Hi5 and Orkut. The Orkut bug had bitten India in a bigger way and all of us were victims of that bug. I ate, slept and lived my life on the social networking platform Orkut. My experience with Orkut made me to write two advice columns on how to use Orkut for maximum benefits.

1) Orkut for men [link]

2) Orkut for women [link]

In the year 2005, a friend of mine invited me to join Facebook. I joined Facebook, but I did not use it as I was active on Orkut. Till the summer of 2008, I was stuck in Orkut. Then the herculean twist happened. Change is the only constant; and I was sucked into the world of Facebook.

Facebook in 2005

In the year 2005, Facebook was still in its diapers. The interface was so complicated and the user-base did not swell as expected. Orkut was still the dream-date site for youngsters.

Facebook in 2006

In the year 2006, FB adopted the three column approach which was popularized by blogger. The content went in the middle section and the left side-bar had the menu bar. Many bloggers joined facebook because they could associate with the three column layout. But still Orkut was ruling the roost in India. Facebook started to crawl.

Facebook in 2007

The year 2007 was the most complicated year for 2007. Instead of grading from crawling to walking, Facebook started wearing diapers again. The technical team messed up with the layout and many bugs were found in the layout. This boosted Orkut's popularity in India. The testimonial section of Orkut was an instant hit and Facebook lacked that section.

Facebook in 2008

The marathon leap happened in 2008. Lot of interface similarities with orkut made it easier for orkut users to associate with Facebook. Indians started using Facebook in a big way. Facebook looked more organised. Chronicwriter closed his Orkut account in 2008 and turned his focus to FB.

Facebook in 2009

In 2009, FB introduced the commenting on a status message format. Bloggers started liking this feature. The Big space in the right side bar indicated that Facebook ads will soon be filling the space. The FB management team were working out their revenue models in the background. How ever the chat feature was a major disappointment. Game applications gained momentum

Facebook in 2010

As expected, online advertisements started realizing the power of FB. Farmville and other game applications zapped the time and energy from FB users. The top photo banner was added. Facebook became a virtual home for many users. The Like button was incorporated and that enabled many to take sides. Facebook became the third most populated country in the world behind China and India. The growth in 5 years was stupendous. The diapers went into a hiding.

Facebook in 2011

In 2011, Facebook became a rebel. The changes were many. The new FB page looks like how my face looked when i was a teenager ~ full of pimples. The ticker column at the right side bar gave me greater insights into the personal lives of everyone. Everyday Facebook changes its mood. It is like a nagging wife now. Just when you think that you have figured her out, she changes her mood. With more than 4000 friends in my list, I have no clue on whats happening around me. This is how my page looks now.

Facebook has become a home for many. We can expect many unexpected changes every now and then. But still student and officials will facebook even if they don't like to face their books.

Diapers - Crawling- Walking - Pimple Faced teenager - What's next?

Will Facebook ever reach old age?

-Chronicwriter

485. Poverty Eradicated from India?

2011-09-21T15:13:00.016+05:30

The Planning commission of India has made a wonderful statement in its affidavit to the supreme court. According to the affidavit an individual income of Rs.25 per day is enough to push a person above the poverty line. This statement reminds me of my Ethics Professor who always believed in confusing us if he couldn't convince us.

The Poverty line is now fixed at Rs 4284 per month in cities. If only such benchmark were adopted in the world of sports, Indian football team would qualify for football world cup, Sania Mirza would win a grand slam and Ishant Sharma would become the opening batsman for India. I stand 164 cms tall (Short). If the planning commission had made changes to measurements and if 1 foot had been made equal to 25 cms, I would be 6 feet tall. I can also call myself a six footer.

The 21st September 2011 issue of The Hindu (Page14- Chennai Edition) stated that the Annual salaries of the top three corporate heads of India ( Naveen Jindal, Kalanithi Maran, Kaveri Maran) for the year ended March 2011 was more than Rs 140 Crores.

The gap between the rich and the poor is so much in India. The World Bank report says that India is one of the poorest countries in the world. In fact the poverty indicator line pushes India below Bangladesh according to that report.

Sarcasn's Quote on FB made me smile :

Poverty line fixed at Rs 4,284 per month for cities. Great move, if you can't pull people above the poverty line, push the poverty line backwards.- Sarcasn

Why is the planning commission making such statements? Anyone spending more than Rs 965 per month in Urban India and Rs.781 per month in Rural India will no longer be called as poor. (Rs 32 per day in Urban cities and Rs 26 per day in Rural villages). To add salt to the injury, the fuel prices are going up. We would not mind all these inflation in every single area in our society as long as it does not affect us. We would sit in front of the TV and watch the indefinite fast stunts and the MODIfied definite fast stunt shows. We would listen to NDTV's version and TimesNow version of a story and would assume that as News.

India's growth in the MDG (Millenium Development Goals) program set by the United Nations is pathetic. The following graph according to the statewide development in India shows that more than 85 % of houses in Jharkand do not even have sanitation facility. It is also the home state of our India's cricket captain - Dhoni.

It always feels good when someone appreciates you. But that does not mean that we ought to prove to the world that we are rich when we are not.

The planning commissions health diet suggestion will be snubbed even by my pet dog. If I have to live a healthy life according to the Planning commission, then I have to drink 85 ml of milk , three teaspoons of rice mixed in 20 grams of dhal curry. My 7 year old neighbor laughed at me when I told him about the Planning commissions affidavit.

The whole nation was going all gaga over all the media frenzy maniacs who fasted in front of television. Do we know that many in our country have nothing to eat and hence end up fasting for many days. What is our response to them?

I am sick of all the Babas and the Modis and all their stunts. I am gonna go on an Indefinite Fast to protest against all those who say that they are going to fast for a cause. I am sick of seeing the fuel prices hike. I am sick of the economic crisis that is trapshooting us from down-under. I am angry. Really angry.

OK. I have ranted enough. Let me go and watch some CLT-20 action on TV. Chris Gayle is gonna hammer; the cheer girls are gonna hover and Ravi Shastri is gonna stammer.

-Chronicwriter.

If you really feel like doing something for our country, you can make a change in the life of a child living in poverty by helping him/her to have education, food and health care. Click this [link] to Help A Child of India.

484. Yo Baby

2011-09-20T10:01:00.001+05:30

Yo Baby

The other day I waiting for the red light to turn Green and my car was stuck in the middle of a jam-packed traffic.I saw an old lady knocking all the windows of cars~ begging for money. She came near my car and as I rolled down the window pane, she said "Yo Baby! Gimme some money ". She did make me smile.

I was first introduced to this word "Yo-Baby" in the year 1999. I did my bachelors in engineering in a French-influenced city called Pondicherry. The first day in college- a young guy came to me , with two folded fingers and said "Yo-dude". I had no clue what he was trying to do. But I was not the guy who would act dumb even if did not understand what it meant. So I reciprocated by folding my fingers- the same way and said "Yo-Dude".

Immediately a group of guys came to me and said, "Wow! Here is a guy who knows our language". That very moment, I was inducted into the dude gang in college. What is Dude gang? What are their priorities? What do they do? I never knew the answer to any of these questions. But still I was a part of the gang that called themselves the Dudes of the college.

A dude is a human being who is different from the rest of the crowd. He thinks out of the box. In Short, a dude is defined in the following points.

1. A dude assumes that sitting in the last bench of the class is a cool thing to do. Chronicwriter never got the opportunity to sit in the last bench of the class in his entire school life because of his short stature. But college life came as a treat to him. As he became a member of the Dude tribe, he never sat in any row other than the last row in class.

2.A dude would grow his hair.

3. A dude would wear a torn jean ( I am talking about the dudes of the late 1990s)

4. A dude would say "Yo Baby" when he sees a girl

5. A dude would say "Yo Dude" when he sees a boy.

6. A dude would use a cuss word in every sentence that he speaks. The F word is a must.

7. A dude would excel in everything other than studies.

8. A dude would always have a gang of girls around him.

9. A dude would know how to play the guitar. He should be the kind of guy who should say " I have a band".

10. A dude smokes.

11. A dude thinks that he is sexy and he even thinks that all girls are crazy about him.

12. A dude does not know the meaning of the word Yo-Baby. (So, this post doesn't have the meaning for the term Yo-Baby)

13. A dude pierces his ear lobes. Chronicwriter had a magnetic ear-ring. His friends found that he was a fake-dude when his magnetic ear-rings came in contact with a metal board.

14. A dude thinks that he is a dude; but he is not.

15. A dude thinks that having a blog is cool. Then he thinks that FB is for hitting on girls. Then he starts tries his legs and hands in trekking. Then he becomes a photographer. He then enrolls himself in a salsa class. Finally he acts in a Tamil short film and uploads it on YouTube and announces to the world " I am an actor too".

Yo Baby! Every human being is a Dude irrespective of the gender differences and all the world's a stage. Did I just make William Shakespeare proud?

-Chronicwriter

483. Happy Engineer's day

2011-09-15T10:23:00.006+05:30

Today is Engineer's day.

Engineers are the breed you find everywhere these days. During the days when my dad toiled hard in the IIT campus for his engineering degree, only 1% of the college going population took engineering as a course. But today only 1 % of the college going population do not take engineering as a course. Everyone is an engineer these days.

What do you do after you are done with your engineering degree? "I really don't have a clue" is the answer that almost all the engineers give. Chronicwriter is also an engineer. He did his engineering in Electronics and Instrumentation Engineering. His first regular job was in an IT firm as a business analyst. This is the specialty of engineers in India. You can do a course in mechanical engineering, aeronautics, communications and even in civil engineering. But you all will one day become a software engineer.

You might be now sitting in a cubicle coding and testing all java nonsense and if you just think about those engineering days where you did not have a clue about what you would become in future, just be happy that you are a software engineer now.

The author of this page is a product of Madras university. The more the pages used in examinations, the more marks the students get in the exams. This is the secret mantra of those days. Things have gone worse these days. Now you don't even have to write papers after papers. All you need to do is chase them. (If only you get what I mean).

We are all born engineers. There is an engineer inside everyone of us. We will all realize our potential one day.

1) Kunjumon realising the potential to convert a LapTop into an i-Pod.

Just Imagine what would have happened to him if the laptops had not been invented. Inserting a desktop like this would have been really painful

2) Gabdun is a a Gomblede Enginearing Bradecd.

3) What ever said and done, engineers aren't that lucky. Either you have to be a Richard Gere or Swami Gilfanandha to get into the peck books of Shilpa

Note : Rakhi Sawant's childhood ambition was to become an Engineer too.

Happy Engineers day.

-Chronicwriter

482. Girls and Facebook

2011-09-14T17:30:00.007+05:30

"Dear Facebook, Every time I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her?" Is she your sister? "

This was an innocent question raised by an innocent friend of mine recently. Facebook has asked the same question to me too. Facebook has never asked the question when I add boys.Is Facebook showing any partiality towards the fairer members of the human species?

The other day, some of my girl friends were talking to me and they complained to me that theywere getting too many fraansheep requests from many strangers. Were they showing off that they too have graded to the category of BABES? Is this why they straightened their hair and colored it in three colors? Is this why they waxed their girly mustaches and threaded off their hairy eyebrows? They might have told the truth. But I found them to be irritating. When the whole country was talking about Anna Hazare, these girls were talking about the fraansheep requests they were getting through facebook. Why can't they just ignore the requests?

So I asked one of them "Do you accept those requests?"

She said "No! I don't accept requests from strangers?"

Then I logged into Facebook and found that the same girl had more than 4000 friends in her facebook account. Does she really know all 4000 of them? Later that week, I found out that this girl was in fact sending fraansheep requests to all random men.

To every Girl suffering from too many friend requests,Do you wanna stop getting Friend requests,Then Put Your REAL Picture!!

If spending two hours in the beauty parlor was not enough, then spending one whole week in photoshop to spice your picture and then cropping it might yield better results to you.

But let me tell you a secret, Girls!

If you wanna receive many fraansheep requests from men, you do not really need to have a cute display picture. All you need to have is a name that sounds feminine. Even if you add a picture of a flower or a cat, Men will add you. That is the manufacturing defect that men are born with. You and I can never change that.

The picture at the top is Chronicwriter's FB display picture. If you want to know how Chronicwriter really looks like, please click this [link]

-Chronicwriter

481. One Fanta, 8 Girls,and a Quarter.

2011-09-13T11:26:00.007+05:30

Number of people Involved in the adventure : 8 girls

Adventure : Getting drunk

How? : Mix one quarter whiskey with 500 ml of fanta and gulp them all down

1) All set for the adventure

Bottle ready, Tumbler ready, fanta ready and girls are ready too.

2) The whiskey is poured into the tumbler, Pickle is also ready now. All set to gulp and get drunk

3) My head is spinning

The next day, the girls went around telling their friends that they too have passed the grade and are expert drunkards.

Women prove all drunk-quotes do not apply to them with their actions.

A man's (woman's) true character comes out when he's/ she's drunk.
Charlie Chaplin

Charlie Chaplin is proved wrong by the girls. The True character never comes out even when they are completely sloshed.

An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.
Charles Darwin

Hope you guys got the hidden pun in the above quote.

A final message.

Please don't get drunk in wild parties like this. Do you remember the lovely actress Divyabharti who died after she fell down from the window because she was drunk?

Say No to Getting Drunk.

- Chronicwriter

480. First Words

2011-09-08T12:17:00.000+05:30

What was the first word you spoke? Researches indicate that 99.99 % of the children utter the word "Mommy" as their first word. The word mommy is mostly uttered in their own vernacular language. The remaining 0.1 % belong to the rebellious category and this 1 % have spoken words other than the usual Mommy. Another weird truth is that these words are spoken by these nutty group of people on the very day they were born. The following pictures reveal this weird truth.

The first ever words spoken by these people, the moment they were born

1) Gates- The man who opened the windows of the IT world.

2) Steve Jobs

Eve ate the apple and sin entered the world

Apple fell on Newton's head. Physics went bonkers

Steve bit an apple. Windows Shut.

3) Anna Hazare! I still prefer Anna Kournikova any day.

4) The Real Raja

5. Some one is Chetan Bug-Hat

6. Rakhi Sawant - She was born through Normal delivery.

7. Mike - The lethal left punch.

8. Arnab Bow-wow-sami

9. The man who can silence Arnab - "Siddhu"

10 . Indo- Pak Connection. ( My dream girl once upon a time)

-Chronicwriter

479. Corrupt people fight against Corruption

2011-09-02T12:13:00.008+05:30

We are all back in business after Anna Hazare won freedom for our country with his three points.

For one whole week, I was glued to the TV. The NDTV and Times Now gave exact contradicting versions of the same story. Barkha Dutt and Arnab Gowsami took time to interrogate, drill and rip apart many politicians. My next post is about them. Anna is out of hospital and we are back to our normal mode with the happiness of winning our battle against corruption.

Have we really won the battle against corruption?

Corruption starts at home. We first learn it from our parents. Then we re-learn it and apply it in school. We copy and paste our answers in class exams. This habit is then carried forward to the social networking space too, where we copy quotes, jokes and post it as ours. We are fundamentally corrupt from within. We lie. We have hatred against people. We gossip. We disobey traffic rules. "What is a Zebra Line?" Many of us do not even know. Many roads do not even have Zebra lines. Many cities, towns, villages do not even have roads. All the money are eaten, bribed, and excreted by corrupt people. We are a part of it.

My dear Friend Soumya caught in her act of copying during exams.

I have copied in exams too. I have copied ideas from others to post blogs and earn a good report. Does comments and compliments mean anything when we really know that we don't deserve it? Why am I ranting now? I am ranting because we are unstable and we are soooooo corrupt. We do things that we are not supposed to do and we fail to do things that we are supposed to do. Check the following pictures to understand this.

A pair of slippers that costs less then 50 bucks (1 USD) is not safe in our country. It needs protection. People even steal dirty socks and under-wears that are left in drying stands.

We trash our waste in places where we are not supposed to trash. We spit pawn on walls. We urinate everywhere, because we have the right to pee everywhere.

We disobey signs and messages. But still we raise slogans and raise our support in our fight against corruption.

Finally, if the people who are supposed to protect us starts to steal from us, even if 1000 Anna Hazares hold millions of fasts, nothing is gonna change.

No one can stop corruption. Only our Gabtun can. It is really dreadful to fall into the dangerous hands of Gabtun.

-Chronicwriter

478. Why did Anna stop his fast?

2011-08-30T13:51:00.004+05:30

Intelligent reports from across the border has confirmed that Anna stopped his fast because he wanted to eat Mutton Dhum Biriyani.

Other intelligent reports from inside the border give contradictory reports for the same.

The following are some of the reasons for Anna stopping his fast.

1) When Gaptun was referred to as the Anna Hazare of Tamil Nadu, Anna could not take it any longer and he ended his fast.

2) When Dr. Vijay was hailed as the Anna Hazare of Tamilnadu, the original Anna Hazare had an attack of dysentery. He understood that the Parliament was taking too much time to pass the motion. To avoid a different kind of loose motion, Anna stopped his fast.

3) Shilpa, Meera and Neena did this in front of Anna Hazare.

4) Prime Minister sent free passes to Anna Hazare for the movie "Karadi Kid"

5) When Captain Vijay looked into Anna's eyes and asked the question " Ungalukkum idhukkum enna sammandham? Bombayla neenga enna pannitu irundhinga? sollunga! Neenga Yaaru? Ivvalavu naaal enga irundheenga neenga? ", Anna had no other choice.

Those who have seen the Tamil movie Baasha will understand the above line.

Today is Ramzan. Eid Mubarak. Somebody told me that Biriyani is not an Indian dish and it should be driven out of our motherland. Will Anna Hazare hold a fast to drive away Biriyani from our motherland? We should wait and watch.

We can never fast against Biriyani ~ Benedict Gnaniah

- Chronicwriter

477. Men In Black attacked me

2011-08-26T12:56:00.009+05:30

I and my cousins call ourselves "The Men In Black". We perform nasty missions during weddings. We dedicate corny songs for the wedding couple; We rag them and scare them with different facial expressions and we also play silly pranks on them. In short - We make life a living hell for the couples on their wedding day (and night too). I am a very active member of this gang and we have plotted and devised wonderful pranks during our cousins' weddings. Everything is funny as long as it's not happening to you. The Men in Black attacked me on my big day too. The following pictures speak for themselves. Click the pictures for better view.

1) The Men in Black's rehearsal session. (Hence they are in civilian clothing for this photo)

2) On my wedding reception with Joan, The Men in Black occupied the stage before Joan could sit on the chair with me. The punching started and we all had swollen faces. This was done to add glamor to our faces so that we would look HOT during the photo session that followed late that evening

3) When the MIB attacked the stage, Joan went into a hiding. So the Men in Black planned a mission to locate her. The planning session was caught on camera.

4) Finally theMIB were successful in locating Joan. But I was still searching for her. This is how they located her.

5) Once they located Joan, they posed with attitude.

6) I was full of happiness because of the successful completion of the mission by the MIB. Hence as a mark of respect for the Men In Black, I sang a song.

7) Once the song was over, the MIB attacked me by dedicating the song "Yesterday -Beatles" for Joan and me. I seriously have no clue why they chose that song for us. They might have their political reasons.

8) After the wedding was over, the MIB indulged in a two hour ragging session in which Joan and I were made to sing, dance and do lot of crazy stuff.

The MIB also screened a two minute video in which they gave 5 golden advices to the couple. These Five advices will be used in family counselling syllabus by leading universities like Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard and Alqaeda. Check the video to attain immediate Moksha.

-Chronicwriter

If you want the MIB to attack you and your better half on your wedding day (and night) we would be more than happy to fulfill your wish.

Our Services Include :

1) Planning and Execution of pranks.

2) Ragging, Eve-teasing, Adam-teasing till we see blood in ears /tears in eyes.

3) Planting squeaky dolls, fire-crackers under the mattress / bed of the nuptial couple.

4) Golden Advice to the couple

5) Posing for photos.

You can also invite us for birthday parties. We can make your babies cry by pinching them.

We are in high demand and hence we are very costly too. Please contact me to book us in advance.

476. We Talk Crap

2011-08-24T11:04:00.010+05:30

“The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him”

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

I don't have a clue who this Stanislaw is. Still I added his quote because I liked it and this quote has the potential to set the phase for this post. You might also be wondering why Anna Kournikova's picture is added here. When you finish reading this post, you will know the answer.

Almost all of us who are into the social media scene have some idea or the other about networking with people through blogs, facebook etc etc... So most of us think that we know it all. We use the services of search engines like Google to search for any information on the web and with that knowledge we talk and engage in conversations on subjects that we have no idea on.

A few months ago ,we all were talking about 2G scam. We pointed our fingers at Raja and called him a thief. How many of us really know what 2G scam is all about? If I have to make an announcement that all who do not know basic details about the 2G scam to leave this blog right away, I have to be the first person to leave. We do not know many things that happen in the background. But we are guided by the media. The NDTV and the Times Now give exact opposite views to the same news and we form our opinions based on the media views.

Coming to cricket, there are many of us who know classic details about the game. Some of us follow the game in detail and have a clear cut analysis of the game and also a great grip about the teams and players. But because of media's out-of-the-world projection every Tom Dick and Harry has started to give their opinion about cricket. I have friend Shilpa (Name not changed purposely). She is the kind of girl who watches a cricket match because she thinks that Virat Kohli is Hot. When Virat Kohli bats, she would say " Awwwww! I love his eyes". I hate it when she fails to even note the classy flick with which he would have dispatched the ball to the ropes. Instead of saying "Wow! What a shot", she would say, " I like his beard stubble". When we indulge in a cricket conversation with friends, a person like Shilpa would also be there talking nonsense.

Now we have the Lokpal bug that has bit the entire nation. All of us talk about it. How many of us know what exactly this Lokpal bill is? Anna Hazare might be a good person. But I hate the manner in which he goes on a hunger strike. Isn't it emotional blackmailing? or Should we call it a suicide attempt? People might have difference of opinion on this regard. What I respect is that he is doing it for the country. But Isn't he being a little autocratic in a democratic clothing? What if all his demands are met?

When Anna Hazare was a kid, the following might have happened

Mom : Go to school

Anna : No. I won't go to school. I will tell the teachers what to teach me.

Mom : Eat your food son

Anna : No. I am on a hunger strike

Mom : Do your homework son

Anna : No. I won't do homework.

Most of us just take a stand without even knowing the heart of the matter. Some of us might support Anna Hazare because of his radical stand. Some of us might even support him because we might hate the ruling party. Some might support the ruling party because of Brand Loyalty. It doesn't matter whom we support; What matters is this! We should be knowing Why we support someone! When we support a movement, we should also be in a position to have a detailed grasp of the subject and we should be better listeners to listen to others when they give their views. The recent Lokpal movement has generated the " I am ANNA groups" and " I am not ANNA groups" also. I am not a member of any of these two groups. I would prefer Anna Kournikova over Anna Hazare anytime. (Do I sound like Shilpa now?)

I found the following picture in a friend's facebook album. I don't own this picture. But It sure made me laugh.

Two things that made me smile are

1) The Information and Broadcasting minister. (I couldn't even imagine what would happen to our country if he becomes the I and B minister)

2) Baba Ramdev is definitely a chubby darling who can make me laugh anytime. (Don't ask me why)

I am gonna end this post now. Some girl called me on my mobile phone. She was in tears and I tried consoling her. But I could not. She is sad that I am not single any more. I strictly told her "Ma'm, I am taken". She told that her name is Amala Paul and that she is a movie actress. Does any one know her? If you know her, please convince her that she can't have me. If you can't convince her, please confuse her by talking crap. After all, we are so good in that.

-Chronicwriter

475. How (Not) to be a commentator like Ravi Shastri

2011-08-23T10:42:00.010+05:30

We Indians live, eat and sleep cricket and hence we would have come across many wonderful cricket commentators. There are the likes of Tony Grieg who talk about ear-rings. I personally love to listen to Tony Grieg when Sachin is in the middle. The husky voice of Richie Benaud and his knowledge on the game amazes me. I also admire Geoffrey Boycott to some extent. He has a good sense of humor. But he seldom listens to his fellow commentator.

Talking about commentators who doesn't allow anyone else to talk, the only person who comes to my mind is Sidhu. When he entered the scene as a commentator, he was an inspiration. I was amazed by his one liners. But as days went by, he became a pain in the commentator box. He did not even allow the cricketers to play normal cricket. Now he is no more in the commentator box and all of us can breathe freely.

Then there are the digital commentators who speak in computerised voices; like some of the West Indian commentators. (In fact all of them).

Then we have the big list of dustbin commentators. Sanjay Manjrekar, Venkatesh Prasad, Maninder Singh, Kapil Dev, Waqar Youniz and the list goes on and on.

Harsha Bhogle with his IIM skills and conversation skills made a huge impact inside the commentary box with his trivia sourcing and talking skills. But IPL and hair implants spoilt him. He now speaks like a clone of Rabri Devi and Anna Hazare.

I am not gonna talk much about all these guys. This post is specially dedicated to the genius of Ravi Shastri. When he was a player, he bowled spinning deliveries that were dispatched out of the park. As a batsman he holds the world record for scoring the maximum number of boundaries in the third man region ( Edged past the keeper). Now as a commentator, he is solely responsible for all the diseases in India. He appears on the television set as though he is gonna say something brilliant. He sets up his tone and tunes it to a husky pitch and ends up saying something stupid. Some of his one-liners are posted here along with Chronicwriter's comments.

Ravi Shastri's blunders

1. That went to the boundary like a tracer bullet

What is a tracer bullet?

2. It’s funny how in 20-20 cricket, one over can change the game

What's so funny about it?

3. Its a packed crowd at the Chinnaswamy stadium ( This is said in a constipated tone)

We can all see that on TV too.

4. Goes for the big one.

When ever he says this line, the batsman gets out.

5. He's got a good arm

I seriously doubt Shastri's intentions behind the above statement.

6. Makes good use of his height.

I would have agreed to this line , if only the batsman was someone other than Parthiv Patel.

7. Mixing it up nice and gentle

When Munaf bowled a slower ball, the ball pitched on the crease twice before it reached the batsman. Ravi must have been sarcastic with that line.

8. As Dimitri Mascarenhas was bowling his 4th over in a 20-20 match , Ravi contemplated “I wouldn’t be surprised if Warne gets him to bowl his entire quota in one go”.

In a 20-20 match the 4th over is indeed the last over for a bowler.

9. I get the feeling

Why does he get the feeling all the time?

10. The next two overs are very important (19th over in a 20-20 match)

They are the only two overs left in the match.

11. None of the bowlers in this stage of the game is going to go down to the wire.

Which wire? Going down?

12. None of the bowlers in the batting team is setting the cat amongst the pigeons.

There can only be one Navjot Singh Siddhu. Be yourself. Don't try to become a Siddhu.

13. Check the following picture to see a typical Shastri commentry technique. He chooses from a list of phrases and uses it while speaking.

Different forms of the game should have different types of commentators. Test Cricket should have robotic speakers and the limited overs format should have guys who can spice it up. All of us know that Ravi is a a total blunder boy in the commentary box. But still we need the services of blunder boys , because without them the game would be very boring.

A trivia that Chronicwriter hates : Ravi Shastri has even tried to date Gabriella Sabatini :(

A trivia that Chronicwriter loves : Sabatini, when asked about this quipped, “Who is this Ravi Shastri.”

-Chronicwriter