Cleveland Sports Torture

Haiku of the Day

2010-03-01T15:08:00.001-05:00

Uh oh, Groundhog Day /
Shaq saw shadow and hurt thumb /
Eight weeks, no b-ball. /

#Cavs

Haiku of the Day

2010-02-27T13:49:00.001-05:00

No Shaq, No Big Z /
Hockey distraction up north /
#Cavs beat Toronto /

Everybody Loves Z

2010-02-25T17:03:00.003-05:00

There’s a new buzzword floating around Cleveland-centric sports message boards amid the Cavaliers’ recently snapped three-game post-All Star break losing streak.

That word is “zarma,” as in “The loss to Denver was zarma, man.”

It took me a few moments to figure what the hell this meant, and then it hit me like big, stupidly obvious thunderbolt: Trading Zydrunas Ilgauskus for Antawn Jamison upset the team’s delicate karmic balance, resulting in said losing slide.

Straw-grasping callers to local sports talk radio shows have focused on the lurpy Lithuanian’s absence as a major reason for the Cavs’ ills, even when that sickness stemmed from poor free throw shooting, mediocre guard play, porous defense and integrating a new player into the rotation.

The outcry and concern about “Big Z’s” possible return to the Cavs grew with the skid. Fans asked sympathetic radio hosts worried questions about the buyout from Washington (made official this afternoon), and fretfully wrung their collective hands at the possibility of another team signing Z for the rest of the season. A non-story about the NBA trying to block’s Z’s return to Cleveland only exacerbated the nail biting.

Although I’ve spent a good portion of my 35 years as a proud member of this notoriously fickle fan base and should know better, I’m still a bit mystified by the sudden Z love. It seems the guy’s gotten more attention from fans in a week than he’s received in his 11-year career.

Now, I like Z and think he can be a nice piece on a championship ballclub. He’s worked well in tandem with Shaq, and the Cavs will need his length, jump-shooting ability and locker-room presence in the playoffs. But I’ll be damned if Z’s going to make or break a title run, and his absence certainly isn’t the reason the team has gone 1-3 to start the second half of the season.

Cleveland loyalists’ reaction to the trade is especially strange considering all of the complaints levied against the big man in the twilight of his career. People (including this humble blogger) were miffed when Danny Ferry chased Z through an airport in the summer of 2005 to sign him to a lucrative five-year deal.

In the years since, phrases like “slow-footed” and “black hole in the post” were tossed around to describe Z by both media and fans. Those rightful criticisms have largely been forgotten since the trade, and replaced by such nebulous terms as “chemistry” and “karma.” This outlook is skewed to the point where I think folks would rather have Z than the 20 and 8 secondary scorer this team desperately needs. What’s going on here?

I think the issue is two-fold, and endemic to the tribulations of Cleveland fandom. Firstly, Z is one of “our” guys – a genuinely good, humble man who has gamely fought through several foot surgeries to be a stalwart in the Cavs’ lineup. We love players who have gone through fire and remain loyal to Cleveland, an attitude that befits our toughened, underdog mentality.

Ah, but that mentality has a cutting edge. When we have high expectations for one of our teams and they struggle for however brief a period, we look for any reason as to why this year won’t be “the year” once again. Call it rampant paranoia, or protecting our frayed psyches from crushing disappointment.

I like to call it the “Other Shoe Syndrome.” When’s it going to drop and dash our hopes once again?, Clevelanders think. We know that piece of footwear won’t be some soft-soled Hush Puppy, either, but a scuffed, black Doc Marten shit-kicker the size of a Brinks’ truck etched with the names of all of our past sporting failures.

Our pale, likely-to-be-returning center is currently wearing that ugly shoe. Will some malign, otherworldly force stomp our dreams by sending Z to Denver, Dallas or elsewhere?

No, because there’s no such thing as “zarma.” Go Cavs!

Wojciechowski has a Brilliant Idea, Kisses New York's Ass

2010-02-25T15:23:00.001-05:00

Gene Wojciechowski must be moronic. Or are his editors? Or does ESPN just need to raise the ire of Cleveland fans today to get some buzz? The Olympics stealing too much attention away for a couple weeks? Or does ESPN just like to try to make Cleveland fans feel scared, lousy, angry, homicidal?

I'm not sure, but in an article Wojciechowski wrote featured right now on the home page of ESPN.com, he lays out the amazingly obvious premise that has been talked about by hopeless Knicks' romantics for two years now...if Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, and LeBron James decide not to just go for the highest paycheck, they can all play for the same team (in this case, the Knicks), and probably win a few titles like that.

No kidding. I'm pretty sure anybody over the age of 7 who has ever watched basketball could have told you that. And if Michael Jordan hadn't "taken a couple years off", and maybe the Bulls had signed Hakeem Olajuwon and Karl Malone, they might have won 12 straight titles. And if the Cavs had gotten rid of Nance and Ehlo and signed Karl Malone and Michael Jordan, they might have won a championship too.

What is the motivation for an article that points out the obvious? Yes, if the three best free agents all sign with the same team, that team will be good.

Thanks. Now how about some serious intel?

This would be F*cking Great!!!

2010-02-25T15:16:00.003-05:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=wojciechowski_gene&page=wojciechowski/100223&sportCat=nba

I Love Cleveland

2010-02-19T00:32:00.008-05:00

I'm sure a lot of people saw that Forbes magazine ranked Cleveland as its Most Miserable City for this year today.

I gotta say, it's like an argument with your family. It's okay for YOU to call your relative every name in the book, but when someone outside the family does, it's time to take up arms.

This is the only public forum I have (except for my personal twitter feed) so I thought I'd talk a bit about Cleveland, and I know many of you feel the same way. Note: I gotta admit that I don't live in Cleveland right now. I was born and raised and lived most of my life there, but a job took me to Chicago two years ago. I think Chicago is one of the greatest cities in the world. But I love Cleveland even more.

I love that people who don't know Cleveland ridicule it, and people who do know it ridicule them.
I love that just about everyone I grew up with feels the same way I do.
I love that we're the underdog.
I love that every single Cleveland fan knows EXACTLY what we would do if we were LeBron James, and don't have a doubt about it.
I love that we know that despite what other people have done to us.
I love that there's not traffic jams on the highways at ungodly times, night or day.
I love the Muni Lot. Not necessarily at 6AM on a Sunday though.
I love the Metroparks, the Emerald necklace that surround the city.
I love the Metroparks golf courses, especially Manakiki.
I love the Diff (despite initially hating it.)
I love the Plain Dealer.
I love Jim Donovan, despite the fact that I loved Nev Chandler more.
I love Casey Coleman, and don't care about Bill Belichick.
I love the Palisades bowling alley on Euclid Avenue in Wickliffe, where Llama Chasers reign supreme.
I love walking down a busy street in Cleveland, and will love when downtown is bustling again.
I love Slyman's.
I love Jack's Deli even more.
I love Stadium Mustard anywhere.
I love the river, and can't wait until the flats area is developed again.
I love that people make fun of the river on fire without knowing anything about it.
I love Burning River Pale Ale.
I love all Great Lakes Brewing Company beers, and the bar and restaurant too.
I love that Lake Erie Monster Double IPA is coming out this year.
I love pierogis.
I love the fact that you can golf within 15 miles of downtown Cleveland, at great courses, at great prices.
I love the fact that Cleveland has places you can shop without a second mortgage.
I love the refurbished warehouses in downtown Cleveland.
I love the East Side, and I suppose the West Side too (even though I'm much more ignorant about it).
I love Michael Symon, and the fact that one of the country's most famous chefs is our homeboy.
I love Cedar-Lee.
I love Coventry.
I love West 25th.
I love West 9th.
I love Big Chuck and Little John.
I love Lake Erie.
I love the walleye from Lake Erie.
I love the Hospice of the Western Reserve. A peaceful and beautiful place in a sad time.
I love Little Italy and the Feast.
I love Chinatown.
I love the Old World Festival.
I love cavatelli at St. Gregory's festival.
I love Michael Stanley.
I love the Buzzard.
I love the Force.
I love Jacobs Field.
I love Mayfield Road.
I love Niko's, the South Euclid Cafe, Fox's, Ava's Alley, and all my favorite joints.
I love the Cleveland Air Show--every Labor Day weekend.
I love the fact that I lived in Cleveland a LONG time before Wal-Marts arrived. Hey, it was inevitable, but at least we held out.
I love Browns games, no matter how painful they've been lately.
I love the fact that Ohio State football is close enough that you don't have to live in Columbus to go to the games.
I love Bernie Kosar.
I love Bill Selby.
I love Troy Smith.
I love Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
I love LeBron, and desperately hopes he cements his role as a Cleveland all time legend.
And I love Cleveland sports fans--in Cleveland and everywhere, who will rejoice like no other city on Earth when a championship is brought home. Someday.

Haiku of the NIGHT

2010-02-17T22:26:00.001-05:00

Big #Cavs trade tonight /
Yes, we got Jamison. But /
I need Big Z back!

Haiku of the Day

2010-02-07T00:34:00.001-05:00

No point guards, no sweat /
LeBron's amazing game makes /
Eleven straight wins!

Haiku of the Day

2010-02-05T11:20:00.001-05:00

Ex ell eye vee. Oh, /
How I wish the #Browns would make /
any Super Bowl.

Haiku of the Day

2010-02-04T12:07:00.001-05:00

Most tortured city? /
There's no debate. it's Cleveland /
By a country mile.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/100204

Haiku of the Day

2010-02-03T00:47:00.001-05:00

#Cavs win yet again /
Something like nine in a row /
Home cooking time now!

Witnesses indeed

2010-01-20T10:17:00.001-05:00

The Sports Guy gives LeBron a virtual handjob. Wouldn't you normally do that after the date? I mean, he hasn't even said he likes you!

But let's hope one part rings true:

Again, there is no better teammate. And after watching this point get hammered home for three hours, it suddenly seemed far-fetched that LeBron James would willingly walk away from his guys -- and his fans, and his city, and his legacy in Cleveland -- just to play for someone else.

Haiku of the Day

2010-01-17T13:26:00.001-05:00

Clippers versus Cavs /
No replay of the Jazz game /
Road trip a success.

A lot of non-excitement?

2010-01-16T15:03:00.001-05:00

How much actual game action is there in normal NFL game?

The Wall Street Journal has an article about how the average NFL game (on TV it's really noticeable) has 11 minutes of actual gameplay action.

According to a Wall Street Journal study of four recent broadcasts, and similar estimates by researchers, the average amount of time the ball is in play on the field during an NFL game is about 11 minutes.
In other words, if you tally up everything that happens between the time the ball is snapped and the play is whistled dead by the officials, there's barely enough time to prepare a hard-boiled egg. In fact, the average telecast devotes 56% more time to showing replays.
So what do the networks do with the other 174 minutes in a typical broadcast? Not surprisingly, commercials take up about an hour. As many as 75 minutes, or about 60% of the total air time, excluding commercials, is spent on shots of players huddling, standing at the line of scrimmage or just generally milling about between snaps. In the four broadcasts The Journal studied, injured players got six more seconds of camera time than celebrating players. While the network announcers showed up on screen for just 30 seconds, shots of the head coaches and referees took up about 7% of the average show.

Wired apparently did a story about this last year, where in watching a game, figured that:

The second quarter contained two minutes, 58 seconds when the ball was in play
The third quarter was the most scintillating with three minutes, 25 seconds of action
The fourth quarter, which included a lot of kneeling to run out the time in the final two minutes, had showcased two minutes and 35 seconds of play

Perhaps Soccer is indeed "more exciting" than NFL football? Naaah.

(Thanks to Barry Petchesky at Deadspin for steering me toward this.)

Haiku of the Day

2010-01-15T11:23:00.001-05:00

A ten day contract /
Utah #Jazz find a diamond /
#Cavs late night heartbreak.

Haiku of the Day...or night...

2010-01-08T01:10:00.001-05:00

Gilbert Arenas /
was absent from Washington /
No "Bullets" for Cavs

2010: A new hope

2010-01-07T20:45:00.003-05:00

The calendar has turned on another year without a title for the professional sports franchises of Cleveland. It’s easy to be cynical about this all-too-familiar scenario, but the beginning of the new decade offers reasons for optimism that weren’t readily apparent even a few months ago. Ahead I will share my hopes and expectations for all three teams, keeping those aspirations as realistic as possible considering the state of each franchise. As I’m feeling expansive this wintry afternoon, I’ll include Buckeye football in the mix:

CAVALIERS
The two losses that began the 2009-2010 campaign seem long ago, do they not? The Cavs are cruising, with the highpoint of the season being the Christmas Day slaying of the Lakers in L.A. That’s a game you want bottled come playoff time and reflects the style of hoops the Cavaliers need to win a championship....defense, bench depth, and a consistent second scorer behind LeBron.

The post-season will also tell whether “The Big Shaquisation” will bear fruit. I’ll admit, the big man looks old—his shot is flat and his post-up maneuvering has all the grace of an aircraft carrier carving its way through an ice floe. However, the games against the Lakers and Magic show why Ferry made the deal. Shaq may be aged, but that’s a lot o’ sweaty beef to park in the paint against KG, Howard, Bynum, and the other wide bodies he’ll likely face come June.

I don’t know for certain whether the Cavs can beat the elites four out of seven times in the grind-it-out nature of late-round playoff basketball, but I expect them to keep our hearts aflutter well into the spring. Win or lose, I also expect LeBron to sign another three-year deal to stay in Cleveland, but that’s a story for another day.

BUCKEYES
2010 national title chatter is starting already for Ohio State. A bit premature perhaps, but the Rose Bowl was certainly sweet redemption for an embattled coach and his young quarterback. Tressel-ball is an oft-maddening affair, including at times against Oregon, so it was good to see the vested one open the spigot and allow Pryor some downfield throws.

Pryor may never make us forget the rocket arm of Troy Smith or the smarts of Craig Krenzel, but with the reins off next year the lanky QB should be an early-season Heisman candidate and be the leader of a squad returning a number of starters on both sides of the ball.

Next year’s schedule is favorable, with home tilts against Miami U, Penn State and Michigan. And for all of you Joe Bauserman fans, there’s the usual heaping helping of MAC cupcakes to feast upon. Hope the big fat check is worth the 49-2 whoopin’, Eastern Michigan. Joking aside, 2010 should be considered championship or bust for the Buckeyes.

BROWNS
If there’s one thing you can say about the Browns since their return in ’99, it’s that at least outside the hashmarks, they’re never boring. Not 72 hours after Mike Holmgren is officially announced as president of football ops, Josh Cribbs is sending melodramatic tweets about “insulting” contract offers and his drama queen agent is huffing about #16 “cleaning out his locker.” No shit, Sherlock, it’s the off-season.

Meanwhile, the Associated Press is reporting that Eric Mangini and his entire staff(including Daboll!) will return for the 2010 campaign. Drama, thy name is the Browns, and thy location is in Berea, forsooth.

My fervent wish for Brownstown this year is a spike in actual football-related news, with the off-the-field craziness kept to a minimum. Remember those pre-Internet/Facebook/Twitter days when it was fun watching the Browns and the only topic of discussion was their next opponent? I want those days back, badly.

And maybe Holmgren is the guy to finally bring that much-needed stability to this shaky franchise. I’m surprised about the Mangini decision, and even with four fairly dominant wins to end the season, I did not think he would be returning. Continuity is a critical component to winning, but not if you don’t have right man at the helm. I think back to such odd personnel decisions as the nonsensical Quinn/Anderson “debate” at the beginning of the year, the refusal to play Brian Robiskie on a squad with very little WR talent, and wonder if 2010 will be another wasted season with a lame duck coach.

What makes me not hate the move is the presence of Holmgren. Mangini’s QB waffling would never have happened if the coach had a higher-up to answer to. I suspect Holmgren will also put a leash on Mangini’s well-documented over-the-top disciplinary measures that reportedly turned a portion of the locker room against their coach.

Some may compare Mangini to Butch Davis. Both men have coaching ability, but were damaged (irreparably in Butch’s case) by ass-hatted personnel decisions. Davis in particular needed someone like Holmgren (or Ron Wolf, who Davis refused to work under) to circumvent his draft-day idiocy. Mangini has that now, and while he’ll no doubt carry some input come late April, “The Big Show” and an as yet unnamed GM will have the final word. Sounds good to me. I’m actually looking forward to see how this plays out, and I haven’t been excited about anything the Browns have done in two years.

Let’s get to work, fellas.

INDIANS
The Tribe is last on this list for a very simple reason. I have very little hope for their chances in 2010. Instead, I’m casting a wider net to snare the broken business of the game itself. While a real revenue sharing plan and a workable salary cap are my baseball dreams for 2010, we all know those dreams are of the pipe variety.

It’s hard to muster rah-rah when two formerly Wahoo-ensconced Cy Young winners are facing off in the World Series in the uniforms of cash-bloated East Coast clubs. The future looks to be no different with baseball possessing the strongest union in sport; a union that likes things just the way they are, thank you. That means no change to the revenue stream, and certainly no cap on spending.

Paul Dolan said last summer that the Tribe was set to lose $16 million in 2009. Their situation hasn’t been aided by MLB’s current profit sharing plan, where all 30 teams contribute 31% of local revenues, with the pot evenly split among all league franchises. Where does this money go? Into Larry Dolan’s pocket, it seems. The lack of a cap means teams like the New York Yankees, which earn millions from hefty television contracts, can easily outspend Cleveland and other small- to mid-market clubs for top talent.

The Indians must rely heavily on ticket and merchandise sales when deciding to sign their own players or spend money on free agents. That’s one ass-backwards business model, kids, because nobody’s coming to the park to watch Austin Kearns or some other cast-off Mark Shapiro plucks from the free agent scrapheap. A Tommy John-ed Jake Westbrook as your Opening Day starter is not going to sell tickets, no matter how many stupid bobblehead giveaways you advertise. You’ve gotta spend money to make money, but the Tribe is unable (or unwilling) to do the former in order to catalyze the latter.

What frustrates me, unfair or not, is the perception that ownership is throwing up its hands up and saying, “Whatta ya gonna do?” in the face of the no doubt unfair financial advantages the Yanks, BoSox and Mets carry. This franchise has no imagination. Instead, the Dolans and Shapiro have unequivocally stated that in the current market the team may be able to compete once every few years if they hit on all their draft picks and get lucky with a few free agent fill-ins. So, maybe one Marlins-like trip to the playoffs before the fire sale begins anew? The Dolans cannot expect fans to re-up their season tickets in response to this morose outlook.

Maybe Dan Gilbert can use his future casino revenues to buy the Tribe. That’s a dream for another year.

Haiku of the Day

2010-01-07T11:37:00.001-05:00

Dear Joshua Cribbs /
Don't try to negotiate /
Holmgren on Twitter

#Browns

Random Thoughts From The Hadman

2010-01-06T20:05:00.002-05:00

You know what really grinds my gears…
STO Studios and STO production seems like the K-Mart of Sports Television.

Fred McLeod is just a dork. (Can one of you Pro-Bloggers please go off on this?)

Luke Wilson looks a little bloated and hungover in his Cell Phone Commercials

Why does Fox spend so much time showing fans in the stands cheering or frowning constantly cutting away during the BCS games or World Series? Fox should have another channel where the camera just shows fans, call it Fox Fan Face. I’ll flip there if I want to watch the fans.

Fox having the rights to the BCS game (Except the Rose) just sucks. Aside from Eddie and Chris Rose every announcer sucks. Thanks for reminding me every 3 minutes you only need one foot inbounds for College Football. I have been watching all year, I know that.

Now that The Black Eyed Peas exist and absolutely Fucking Rock, can we abolish Caffeine and Alcohol.

Sportscenter anchors use the word “ensuing” waaaaay to much.

That’s it for now, I am at peace with everything else in the world.

Haiku of the Day

2010-01-06T10:22:00.001-05:00

Browns and Bucks over... /
For six months I hope we'll be /
Enjoying the #Cavs

Bonus Haiku!

2010-01-03T19:08:00.001-05:00

Two thousand and ten /
Can you say "undefeated"? /
#Buckeyes and #Browns baby!

Haiku of the Day

2010-01-03T14:19:00.001-05:00

It's week seventeen /
Who'da thunk that the Brownies /
Might get four straight wins?

Vindicated in Roses

2010-01-01T23:52:00.003-05:00

Sweet relief in 2010 for Jim Tressel, Terrell Prior, but most of all, for the legions of Ohio State fans. The same fans who have been stung again and again since the fateful day in January 2007, when Troy Smith and the favored Buckeyes fell flat with Ted Ginn Jr. on their injured legs and got embarassed in front of the Country by Florida, and then again by LSU, and again by USC, and again, and again.

This time, all the talk of the speed of Oregon, and the pace on what they run their offense, and their powerful running game, didn't matter, as what seemed at times to be a interminably boring offense run by Jim Tressel turned out to be just what was needed. At times during the game I was bemoaning the game plan and execution both. Either too conservative a play call, or too timid decision making by Prior. But in the end, Terrell's arm is what beat Oregon. The Ducks' coaches said they schemed to take away his running, but with throwing like that, they were done for. True enough. And the boring offense dominated time of possession also, which did just enough to keep the Ducks off the scoreboard.

Obviously, Terrell needs some more work. As Herbie pointed out during the broadcast, at at least a few times, he took too long deciding whether to run or throw. Sometimes he is timid, and I'm not sure why that is. But overall today, he made smart decisions, made some extremely nice throws (one other touchdown was dropped), and certainly proved himself again as being able to come up in a big game.

As Bill Livingston wrote, "Ohio State restored its own reputation at the same time as Pryor liberated much of the state of Ohio from defeat, disappoint and doubt." Great game, great memory. Let's not make it another 13 years, huh Rose Bowl?

Here was my viewing situation, Christmas tree, stockings, big screen TV and all. Including my new scarf I picked up in Pasadena last week. One I will cherish now forever.

It's Gotta be the Shoes, Lebron

2009-12-31T14:37:00.005-05:00

Let me start this post by clearly stating:

I pray to the Lord above that Lebron stays in Cleveland. I may actually cry (physical tears) if the day comes that most Clevelanders are dreading and LBJ decides to play somewhere else.

That being said, if the photos of his latest shoes circulating on the internet are in fact real, not some Photoshop gag, it just reiterates comments I've posted before... I just don't trust Lebron.

Why, oh why, would you (continue to) jerk around not only your home town, but your home town fans and your organization? The Yankees hat, the Yankee-NY shoes are one thing... different sports at least... but a shoe promoting another team in the same league you play in? Yeah, yeah, I know... it's a hardwood classic representing old-school Cavs.... wink, wink. That's what we've been told, and could believe seeing as thought the Cavs were orange and blue in the late '80s. But then you turn the shoe over to reveal an "I Love NY" button... a "secret" message like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" uncovered with his Little Orphan Annie Secret Club Decoder. Ralphie's message was a cheap marketing plug telling him to "Drink more Ovaltine". Is this much different of Nike for the soon-to-be greatest free agent ever?

Who knows how much of this was Nike and just how much input LBJ had, but Nike needs Lebron more than Lebron needs Nike, so I'm sure he could've vetoed the "I Love NY" message, knowing how the Knick colors (oh yeah... the Knicks are also orange and blue) mixed with this cute little feature would come across, especially in Cleveland.

The worst of it is it just adds to the nonsensical talk (something Lebron denounced earlier this year). Like Collin Cowherd of ESPN who said (paraphrased):

"Why does it have to be New York? I mean, Cleveland isn't championship material, but why New York. The Lakers, the Celtics, they're championship material."

This less than a week after the Cavs THUMPED the Lakers in L.A., and just before that, beat the Suns in Phoenix, and just in the last two nights beat a good Hawks team, once in Atlanta where the Hawks had only lost twice prior. Not to mention beating Orlando, Phoenix at home, and Dallas earlier in the year... all good wins against good teams. Hell, the Cavs have the second best record in the league.

I understand having the opinion that the Cavs aren't going to win the championship. Or that L.A. is still the favorite, or even Boston... but to say the Cavs aren't even championship material?

Oh well, I regress... that's what happens when you mix an already paranoid Cleveland fan with a blatant marketing ploy linking our superstar with another team.

Whatever his decision, Lebron's going to piss off a lot of people for stringing them a long. Question is, will it be the people in his hometown... or the people of New York who are all but banking (arrogantly I might add) on LBJ in a Knicks uniform in 2010.

Should the Browns go after Troy Smith?

2009-12-29T13:17:00.002-05:00

He's requested a trade, and the PD asks that question.

My heart says yes, my head not so sure. Shoot I'd be okay with giving Krenzel and Hoying a once-over.