This week has been truly RUBBISH. Half-Term rubbish. I was looking forward to having some time with Ella, a chance to relax a bit, a chance to get my feet back under me. Fat chance!

Late last Saturday evening (11th Feb) Ella started running a temperature. Sunday she spent most of the day alternating sleep with a fever with Calpol with tears. I even became concerned enough to ring NHS Direct. Of course every parent’s worry, when faced with an unidentified illness and a high temperature in their child and is meningitis. Every time Ella awoke from a doze, she was disoriented and emotional and difficult to bring around. NHS Direct asked loads of questions and about two hours later a nurse rang to ask me mostly the same questions. Thankfully, Ella’s symptoms didn’t scream meningitis but just a temperature that needed managing. Cue more Calpol.

Ella was still unwell on the Monday but perked up a bit in the afternoon. By Tuesday she was considerably brighter so we managed to get out to get a haircut and visit Nanny and Grandad which ended up being a mistake. By Wednesday morning Ella had relapsed and Sam was starting to show the same symptoms, understandably. Mark too was suddenly suffering with a sore throat, snuffly nose and aches and pains. I was beginning to lose my mind but thankfully had no serious cold/flu symptoms myself.

Poor little Sam had his first doses of Calpol and spent most of Wednesday and Thursday sleeping which was a blessing and a curse. I was worried about him so I kept him down in the lounge with me so every bit of separation we’d been building up was, justifiably, out the window. Mark came home Thursday early evening feeling quite rubbish and I began to wonder whether the lurgy was ever going to lift. At least we weren’t suffering with vomiting!

Cue vomiting…from Mark of all people. In the early hours of Friday morning Mark suddenly began coughing, had a raging headache and whammo…was head first in the toilet throwing up. I was worried. Yes, worried about Mark but more concerned about the rest of us. What if it was a vomiting virus? What if we all came down with it? What if I couldn’t care for everyone? What would we DO???

Thankfully (but not for Mark) we were able to determine that Mark was suffering from a migraine and not a vomiting bug. That migraine (stress induced from work, I’m sure) felled Mark for the whole of Friday which meant no work for him and continued stress for me as I was now caring for Ella, Sam and Mark. I began to laugh at the craziness of the situation. When was I going to catch a break??

Make It Better Sigg Water Bottle

What amazes me more, however, is the survival of the Mummies. You know how it goes…the whole family comes down with some horrid bug. The Mummy gets sneezed on, snotted on, thrown up on, drooled on, weeped on and pooped on (in the worst of circumstances). Does the Mummy break? Does the Mummy bend? No! The Mummy carries on, gradually feeling more and more like a super hero. Able to fell lurgies in a single tissue. “I dare you” says the Mummy. But surely it’s only a matter of time? Or is it simply that nature preserves the immunity of the Mummy in order for the family unit to continue as ever? I fear, however, that time may be running out. Ella goes back to school on Tuesday. Who’s betting that at 10:00am on Tuesday I am going to start to feel really poorly? Fingers crossed I am wrong.

Pass me the Dettol and bleach. Time to decontaminate this house!

When I was laying in hospital, awaiting Sam’s birth, Twitter was a lifeline to me. It kept me busy and boosted my spirits. While on Twitter, a tweet came through from Snugglebundl (@snugglebundl). They were looking for pregnant mummy bloggers who were interested in reviewing their new product. They were ideally looking for a mum having a c-section as the Snugglebundl is extra helpful for mums recovering from c-sections. What do you know? I fit both of those criteria! The lovely people behind Snugglebundl sent me my very own Snugglebundl just like that!

Sam has been happily ensconced in his rainbow striped Snugglebundl and I tell you what…we would not be without it, that’s for sure. In fact, hands down, it is my favourite new baby product this time around! It’s so soft and snuggly (hence the name) and keeps Sam in the perfect state to sleep and be comfortable. Sam is a baby who needs a lot of cuddles so the Snugglebundl has allowed me to make virtually any environment safe and warm for him.

We use the Snugglebundl in Sam’s infant car seat which is ideal in this winter weather. The Snugglebundl means that I don’t have to stuff Sam into a snow suit or winter coat which would make his car seat less effective. Instead, I place the Snugglebundl in the car seat, place Sam in the Snugglebundl and cinch him in. He’s covered, snug, cosy and safe all at the same time. I love the “hat” feature at the top of the Snugglebundl as well. It keeps Sam’s head covered without being too hot or uncomfortable.

We’ve also used Sam’s Snugglebundl when putting Sam in his Xplory. There’s a lovely footmuff in the Xplory but the Snugglebundl allows us to extricate Sam from his car seat without disturbing him and then we can transfer him to the Xplory and keep him protected and warm. It was the perfect solution for me in my c-section recovery as well. I could simply put the handles together and lift Sam easily out of the car seat and/or pushchair and not strain myself in the process. We even used the Snugglebundl as a hammock-like sling to gently swing Sam to comfort him when he was stressed out.

I can wholeheartedly recommend the Snugglebundl for any expectant parents. It’s lovely and fleecy, soft and snuggly and the perfect solution for just about any situation. Car seat, pushchair, Moses basket, cot, public changing tables…you name it! You can order the Snugglebundl directly from their site for £39.99. I actually would like to have a 2nd Snugglebundl for when one is in the wash!

Sam gives the Snugglebundl a mahoosive THUMBS UP! Go get one now…you won’t regret it!

**Disclosure: We received the Snugglebundl for review purposes. The words and opinions about the product are mine alone!**

I love blogging. I love Cafe Bebe. However, recently, I’ve lost the love. It’s not just my blogging mojo that’s wanning. It’s become almost a fear of “what’s going to hit the fan now” when I write a post. I am certainly not trying to incite but I seem to be good at it at the moment. I also have closed comments for the month of February, for no reason other than I wanted to get back to the heart of this blog…the writing. I have not closed comments to hide behind a safety net.

What I need to do is step back. Take a bit of a break and find the love again. Because I have worked damn hard at this blog and I don’t want to get to the point where I don’t want to look at it any longer. But taking a break would effectively put Baby Cafe Bebe in the corner. And no one puts Cafe Bebe in a corner. I want Cafe Bebe to continue to be a celebration of motherhood (and fatherhood), families and children. I want to give other bloggers a chance to feature themselves and their families here so I have created the “Love You Forever” project.

I’m looking for 30 bloggers to volunteer their lovely faces and those of their children and share what it is that they love about their children. This will be a love letter of sorts…from mother (or father) to their child(ren). Why will you love your child(ren) forever? I’m also asking that you include a photo of you with your child(ren). A recent photo that shows your love for each other…no hiding behind the camera this time!

I’ll include a form for you to fill out if you’re interested in joining in on the Love You Forever project. Please sign up by Friday 24 February to indicate your interest. I will contact you personally to confirm details. All posts will need to be submitted to me by 29 February. Posts will appear on this blog beginning 1 March and run through 30 March. I look forward to seeing if we can get 30 of you to do Love You Forever. Are you up for a challenge?? I hope so!

**UPDATE: I have 30 bloggers who have signed up for the Love You Forever project! All in one day…how amazing! I appreciate everyone who has signed up and will be contacting you over the weekend. March is going to be Love You Forever Month! xx**

It’s not a very happy place these days, the Cafe Bebe household. Over the weekend, Ella came down with some sort of virus which isn’t overly serious but means she’s running a temp, is snuffly of nose and exceptionally emotional, tired and whingey. As with all illnesses, it’s been passed on to Mark but also to Sam. Bless his cotton socks, Sam’s been running a bit of a temp as well and had his first doses of Calpol yesterday. He spent the day dozing off and on while Ella spent the day being tearful and snotty. Sigh. We’re exhausted.

But then there was a knock at the door yesterday afternoon. I opened the door to a delivery man and a box. A FLOWER box! I had no clue who might be sending us flowers but was most excited to open the box. In the box was a beautiful bunch of red tulips and purple Japanese Irises. My FAVOURITE flowers! Someone had been reading my blog! Who could it be??

My mom! Aw…what a welcome sight on a rubbish day. Well a rubbish week for that matter. The flowers are gorgeous and scream SPRING which makes me look forward to warming temps and more sunshine. But the best thing for Ella wasn’t the beautiful blossoms…oh no!

Ella was thoroughly entertained for an hour or so by the BOX. As you do when you’re 3 1/2! So many thanks to Grandma/Mom for making our day much brighter yesterday and for reading the blog and knowing what I like. We love you Grandma/Mom.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I love Valentine’s Day. Never mind the ridiculous over-commercialisation of the “holiday” and the ridiculously inflated prices on everything, it’s a fun day to show the one you love just how much you love them.

Mark doesn’t love Valentine’s Day. He doesn’t like the ridiculous over-commercialisation of the holiday and is personally offended by the ridiculously inflated prices on everything. Mark doesn’t like the idea of anyone telling him that he HAS to show the one he loves how much he loves them on one specific day.

Therein lies the problem. Mark hates Valentine’s Day. I love Valentine’s Day. I reminded Mark yesterday morning that even though HE doesn’t like the holiday, that because I love the holiday, maybe he could put aside his hatred of it to indulge my wishes and make me happy just because. I decided not to hold my breath however. Mind you, I had bought Mark a card and Ella and I had made Valentines to give to Mark and Nanny and Grandad. We put a tiny bit of effort in.

When Mark came home last night, he was carrying a spotty bag for me. This was what I found when I looked inside:

From Left to Right:

• A lovely card…minus the envelope…he couldn’t find one!
• Daim bar bite-sized- one of my favourite chocolate bars ever. All for me.
• The spotty bag…Ella will enjoy this
• Kleenex tissues…I always need tissues and never have them when we’re out and about. I consider tissues a necessity in the home and when out and about. These have soothing lotion built in. How lucky am I?
• Adele’s multi-award-winning “21″…never mind that I have downloaded this from iTunes, Mark and I are old-school…we like our CD’s, in part, so we can play them in the car. Never mind that this album/CD is over a year old…it takes us a while to catch on!
• Demisting Pad…who doesn’t need one of these in their car? And what says Valentine’s Day and “I Love You” more than “I want you to be safe and see out of the car window properly”.

Ah, romance. After seven years together, it’s not totally dead. And how about the fact, regardless of what I got, that I got anything at all on a holiday that my husband loathes. Not too shabby! I think I’ll keep him!

2 weeks post c-section delivery & near death experience

I’ve seen a few new Mummy photos in the last two weeks that have driven me to distraction. You know the ones; the celebrities who, approximately 18 minutes after delivering their baby, are back in their skinny jeans and body hugging top, looking polished and glowing and perfect. They haven’t been up at ridiculous o’clock tending to a newborn baby (more than likely). They (often) have personal trainers, nannies, night nurses, medical professionals, chefs and other assorted helpers at their beck and call to ensure that they maintain their public figure (literally and figuratively). I remember hearing that Heidi Klum had it in her contract with Victoria’s Secret that she had to maintain her body shape no matter what…she’s had 4 children in that time!

But that’s not reality is it? Real Mummies have tummies that are worn, tired, scarred and flabby. Real Mummies (like me) have tummies that still look 6+ months pregnant due to severe diastasis recti which basically means that my internal organs are hanging through the gap in my abdominal muscles. Ella patted my belly the other day and said “Mummy, you’ve got another baby in your belly!” to which I replied, “No, honey, Mummy is just fat!”

My belly is a nightmare. Sam will be 12 weeks old on Thursday. I have to do something about this or everyone is going to assume that I’ve gone and gotten myself knocked up again! But, that’s beside the point. REAL Mummies rarely bounce back to pre-pregnancy shape like the celebrities of today. REAL Mummies generally are still carrying excess weight and belly from their 1st pregnancy which makes the 2nd pregnancy less slim from the get go. With Sam’s pregnancy, I didn’t put on near as much weight as I did with Ella. Within a few weeks of delivery I was back to within 7 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight, which was over-weight anyway! But do I look slim and trim? No! Have a look…here’s what a REAL Mummy looks like (12 weeks post-delivery)…

I know…you mistook me for Gwyneth Paltrow or Amanda Holden didn’t you. Easy mistake! I’m still carrying excess weight, a massive belly and an umbillical hernia as well. Lucky, lucky me! This is REAL. This is me!

And this is my tummy…after 2 babies. Stretch marks and scars, squidge and podge, hernia and stretched abdominal muscles. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, but it’s me…REAL. No chefs, no personal trainers, no plastic surgeons, no miracle creams, no night nurses, no makeup, no stylists…me.

Are you brave enough to show your Real Mummy Tummy? Let’s be proud (a little bit) of the “war wounds” we wear from carrying our precious bundles of joy. We may never be the same as we were before babies (well, some of you are blessed genetically so you don’t have to worry) but we’re REAL. Celebrities are NOT. If you’d like to join in on the Real Mummy Tummy linky, write up a post on your blog and pop back over to link it up. Be brave…show your scars (literally??) and be proud of being a Real Mummy!

In the blogging world there are various and sundry blogging challenges, Linky’s and memes. Sort of the blogosphere’s virtual Chain Letter. Some are annoying, some are wonderful, some are fulfilling and some are, well, sort of like chain letters. Also in the blogging world, the “Daddy” blogger is a somewhat illusive figure, lurking on the periphery of the “mummy” blogger madness and having a much better time while they’re at it.

Him Up North is one of those lucky “Daddy” bloggers who has found his way in the parent blogosphere, is a successful writer and blogger in his own right and manages to interact with “mummy” bloggers without getting into a cat fight or falling out with anyone. Miracle! HUN, as he’s sometimes known, has started a funky new challenge for the blogosphere called #crowdsourcedsundays. Garry will set us a theme, we’ll take a picture and either send it to him or tweet him the picture and voila! This week’s theme: What I’m currently reading.

Reading. I barely remember what that is. In fact, I have only read a book or three in the 3 1/2 years since I became a mother. I am trying to find ways to have “me” time and the other week I was in my local Tesco doing the weekly shop. I was sans enfants and toodling merrily up and down the aisles when I found myself in the toy and book/DVD/CD aisle. I stood in front of the books and saw “2 for 1″ and grabbed two books. I tend to gravitate to “Chick Lit” type books as I don’t need emotional or cerebral torture any longer. Chick Lit is my speed. Even better these days, “Mummy Lit”. I like to read about Mummies who are even less capable than I am!

The first book I grabbed was “Just Another Manic Mum-Day” by Mink Elliot. The title is a bit cheesy and ends up putting that damn Bangles song (“Just Another Manic Monday” which is apparently the anthem of Bondi Beach cafes in Australia) on permanent replay in your head. But it’s easy reading AND it’s subject is actually something I would LOVE to do: start up a cafe that caters to Mums and children. I might pick a different soundtrack though.

I’m about 1/4 of the way through the book. I read it in fits and starts including the time after Sam’s midnight or middle of the morning feed when he’s drifting off to sleep on my chest. Early Saturday morning (2:57am to be precise) I was checking out my Twitter stream and saw Garry’s blog challenge. I grabbed my book and put it next to Sam who was resting on my legs after his bottle. This is my life and generally where I end up reading…at ridiculous o’clock with my son in various stages of sleep on me. Not too bad altogether really. So, what are you reading right now?

(By the way, my other book purchase was “The Descendants”…George Clooney is on the cover…why not?!)

Head on over to Blog Up North to see what Garry manages to put together and/or follow the fun on Twitter with #crowdsourcedsundays.

Aw, look, I’ve got SUNSHINE! A rather lovely blogger who has reached out to me a lot lately, has awarded me the Sunshine Award. I’m not much for doing things like this but when someone is so lovely, like Kate from Makeshift Mummy, you can’t help but return the favour.

Here’s what Kate has to say about me:

Karin writes beautifully from the heart and has reminded me of the natural beauties in this sometimes darkened world. This new friend of mine has supported me greatly on Twitter when I have been struggling with Youngling and I have tried to reach out to her in likeness. Karin definitely deserves The Sunshine Award for she often brightens up my day.

How very kind and lovely. Thank you Kate…you have definitely brightened my day! Now I have to answer some questions as part of the responsibility of this award. Here goes:

• Favourite Colour: This actually is a bit tough. I love pink- hot pink but rarely wear it these days. Blues and greens seem to have predominance in my wardrobe but I seem to be stuck in a bit of a black rut at the moment. Gee…wonder why??
• Favourite Animal: In the whole wide world?? Penguins. They’re adorable, the Daddy’s do the egg-sitting and they tap dance. I saw “Happy Feet”…I know!
• Favourite Non-Alcoholic Drink: My favourite COLD non-alcoholic drink is Coke. I’m addicted, well and truly. Bad Mummy. My current favourite HOT non-alcoholic drink is hot chocolate at the moment. This might have something to do with the current average temperature outside or my need for chocolatey comfort.
• Facebook or Twitter: Twitter, hands down. Facebook sort of does my head in, to be honest. I do it because I SHOULD, not because I want to. Twitter is responsible for probably 80% of my blog traffic and for maintaining my sanity. I love you Twitter. Probably too much.
• Number: Well, this is a weird one…really, do you care what number I like? Ok then, the number 3. Why? I don’t know…just do!
• Day of the Week: Friday! I have always loved Friday. It’s the end of the work week, the beginning of the weekend. It usually means that Mark will be home in good time and we often get a takeaway. I also love the feeling of going to bed on a Friday night knowing that Mark (usually) doesn’t have to go to work in the morning and we get to spend the whole weekend together as a family. This is VERY important to me.
• My Passion: My blog and writing. At the moment it probably shouldn’t be my passion but it’s my solace and haven and my work at the same time.
• Getting or Giving Presents: This is a hard one as well. I used to be far better at giving presents and that was what thrilled me. Putting the effort into something special for someone and seeing their face when they opened it was what motivated me. Now, I’ve gotten out of the habit of this which is a shame really. I should try harder to make this happen because there really is no better feeling than knowing and seeing how much you’ve brightened someone’s day. I quite love receiving presents as well but this has lost it’s luster as I don’t get many these days.
• My favourite pattern: WTF? Pattern?? Seriously? That’s like asking what my favourite shape is!! I don’t have a favourite pattern…sorry to say. Do you?
• Flower: I have two favourite flowers: tulips and irises. For my wedding bouquet I had shades of pink and purple tulips. They were GORGEOUS. I just love tulips. They are such a happy flower and the colours are so vivid and exotic. Irises are my second favourite, in particular the miniature/Japanese irises. Such a delicate bit of beauty. They make me smile.

Phew. To tell you the truth, I hate answering questions like that but it wasn’t too painful. Except for the one about your favourite pattern. What a bizarre question! Next I am supposed to nominate another blogger to receive a Sunshine Award. This is a tough one but I’d like to nominate:

Dorky Mum! First of all, I love the name Dorky Mum. I don’t imagine she is Dorky but hey ho. Dorky Mum, aka Ruth, has been exceptionally supportive and helpful to me in the last week. She’s emailed me and messaged me and generally helped to prop me up which is absolutely lovely. We’ve never met and she only knows me through the great big blogging world but I really appreciate the effort she’s put into reaching out to me. So Ruth, thank you for being such a great supporter. I bequeath you with the Sunshine Award. Go forth and be sunny yourself!

Look at these beautiful faces. One thing is for certain, even though I’m struggling at the moment and working out how to cope, the faces of Ella and Sam continue to make me smile and laugh. And I’ve been given some lovely support from former friends, acquaintances and total strangers thanks to my post, Coping.

It’s amazing how writing something down and pressing PUBLISH can help. And it’s also terrifically reassuring to know that so many others have gone through the same struggles. I’ve had some really lovely emails, messages and comments on Twitter from people who are concerned and wish to help which is lovely and much appreciated.

Rest assured, I’m not in some horrible pit of despair. I’m simply in a bit of a fog at the moment but I do plan to work on some baby steps to getting myself back on track. I’ve been advised, by more than one person, to give myself a break and some credit for what I AM doing and worry less about what I’m NOT doing. It really has helped to write it all down so for that I’m grateful for this blog. This is why I write…I share ME and what I’m going through in addition to all the wonderful things. So thank you very much, fair readers, for your support and encouragement. I’ll keep you posted on my baby steps to finding myself again.

It’s been ten weeks so far. Ten weeks since Sam brightened our days and joined our happy family. It’s been ten weeks of learning and ten weeks of coping. I’m learning that I’m not coping all that well, to be honest. I have learned that I am not strong. I’m pretty weak when it comes right down to it and I’m pretty quiet about that weakness as well.

We want everyone to think that we are fine? Why shouldn’t I be fine? I have a healthy, growing, lovely baby boy who is precious and wonderful. I have a fantastically independent, clever and vocal daughter who makes me smile and my heart swell with pride every day. I have a lovely husband for whom I crossed an ocean to find and who makes me happier than I ever thought possible. I should be fine.

In many ways I am fine but I’m lonely. As much as I adore Sam, I’m finding the 24/7 draining yet the idea of separating from him is difficult as well. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays Ella is in preschool for 6 hours. I am grateful for that time. Ella is stimulated, educated and entertained by someone other than me, I get six hours to spend with Sam and try to get my work done. I love those 6 hours BUT I also find them very lonely. The house is quiet (except for This Morning on the telly from 10:30-12:30) which seems to emphasize the loneliness. I could get out of the house but when you have no one to go out with, that prospect isn’t very inspiring. I also let things get to me. I seem to blow small things out of proportion and let them affect me more than they should, particularly with regard to my work.

I know I need to get out more. I know I need to exercise more and do things for me to make me feel good. But when you have a ten week old baby, that’s easier said than done. I thought this would be so easy. Everyone else seems to just roll with it and get on. Why shouldn’t I? The other day my inlaws stopped by for a visit. I was dressed in my usual uniform these days…leggings, loose t-shirt, hair scraped back with a headband because I desperately need a haircut but can’t take the time to make an appointment and no makeup. Sam was just about to go to sleep after an early evening bottle but with the arrival of Nanny & Grandad that went out the window and he quickly got overtired and irritable. I was short-tempered and frustrated with Ella who was whirling and twirling about because Nanny and Grandad were there. My mother-in-law asked me “What have you done today?” (in a very nice & making small talk kind of way) and I thought about it and stared at her. I had no idea what I had done all day.

Ella had been at school for her usual shift, I had managed to get the kids dressed and fed and the kitchen was clean with the dishwasher unloaded. I had done a couple of blog posts and done my freelance social media work. I had eaten lunch. But what had I ACCOMPLISHED??? In the eyes of my mother-in-law, probably not much! The shelves needed to be dusted, the carpet needed to be vacuumed, there was a pile of laundry on the table that needed to be folded. The bed linens really could have stood to be changed and the bathroom could have used a good scrub. Sam’s room was still in a state of disarray and there were a million other little projects that I could have done. But I couldn’t find anything to say to my mother-in-law. I just looked at her and said “Um, well, not much”. I didn’t even have dinner started. I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be making for dinner.

I’m not really sure what I need to do. I think I maybe have the “baby blues” and could use some help. Unfortunately, I have very little faith in the GP’s and Health Visitors at my surgery so I don’t really have a medical person to confide in. Perhaps I just need to go in and speak to someone, regardless? Maybe I just need a happy pill to take some of the “blah” out of me because that’s what I feel like right now. Blah. Are there happy pills to take the blah away?

This motherhood thing? Not so easy after all!