Caffeinated Tirades

Just Suck It

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:39:00 +0000

Yes, it's true, I can be quite the snarky little bitch at times. But as many friends have come to know, that's just Mikey, and Mikey's an asshole. Fuck it. If you don't like something that I have to say, then tune it out, turn it off, or whatever. This isn't about your fucking opinion. You want to read your own opinion, then start your own fucking blog. I'm here for me, and those others that are missing a good portions of their prefrontal cortex and think along the same lines as me. I don't write this shit to be popular, to win friends, or to impress. I could give a flying fuck what you think of my and my writing. I do this as a therapeutic effort to relax away my angst at the world over the stupid shit that I see every day. That being said, keep reading, because it's all coming out now.

Amen to your motha.

Liquor Store, Gun Shop, Liquor Store... Church?!

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:16:00 +0000

Many of you, but in case you didn't, I recently relocate myself and as many loved ones as I could to Georgia, the beautiful state of the Great South. I have to say to anyone considering this, that it has been the best decision that I've made in quite some time. I love it down here! Every day is better than the one before. The people bring out the best in everyone with an honest and genuine Southern Hospitality. The food is great, the drink is better, the pay's the same, and cost of living is wayyyyyy lower. Like I said I can't say enough about it. Oh, and then there's the journeys and expeditions that one gets to experience here like you can nowhere else in the world. I know. I've been. But those are stories for another time (trust me they'll come, either here or in the book that's in the works. And then there's yesterday, which will be forever ingrained in my brain as the coolest, yet most fucked up night that I've had since... well, you decide.

Since moving down here, a lot of friends have expressed their desire to visit. Most to come down and party it up, visit the ATL, etc. The usual bullshit. But it's the messages that started a few days ago from an old high school friend that just set everything up perfectly. He and a friend of his were in Florida taking care of some family business and starting on a pilot project for a television show idea that they have, and having seen that I had just moved to Georgia via Facebook, thought it a cool idea to swing by on their return trip to Minnesota. After some negotiations, it was decided that they would swing by the house in the evening on their way through, we'd chat, catch up, and they'd continue on their way to fame, fortune, travel, and joy. Great.

So, I get home from work. See my bud, meet a new one, have a drink, finish up grilling some chicken for the girls, and Mike says, "We have to go out tonight, it's on me. Dinner and hit the bar." Awesome! "You know anywhere to go yet?" Uh, no, I didn't. I tried to call a couple new friends that were familiar with the are to ask them, to no avail. That's when I hear the pipe-up of, "Do what we've been doing for the last couple months...Google 'Shithole bars in name your city.'" Before they could stop me, I had out my phone, was on Google, typing in "Shit... hole... bars.. in... Marietta... Georgia."

Murph's Lounge. The first hit. Close to home, quaint dive bar...check out the GPS... I know the area where it is, should take about five minutes to get there. Awesome! I finish up the chicken for the girls. Kisses and good-byes. Change clothes, and we're on our way. My girl left her phone at a friend's when she was out the weekend before, so I leave my phone with her, and we'll use my friend's GPS. We pile in the van, make a quick liquor run for my girl, and we're on our way. Then, we hit the road to the bar. We're off to Murph's Lounge, dive bar shithole in Marietta. Awesome, we're pretty much guaranteed some decent food, strong drinks, good local people, and some fun and interesting times.

Driving down the road, the GPS takes us on a route that's different than my phone was, but I don't have my phone with, so who am I to say we're not going in the right direction. So, I start blasting the music on the hard drive in the stereo. Just letting it play random songs while we continue on our little drive... that just doesn't seem to want not end. And we're driving... and we're driving... and then I start to notice that we're most likely not in Marietta anymore. Eh, we're on an adventure. Let the GPS take us where it may. We'll eventually find our way back home. We've done this plenty of times in the past back in Minnesota when we were younger, what could go wrong?

Well, the drive continued and continued, and I started to notice little things... It was a lot darker. There were NO street lights. Then I noticed a building, that as passed, it became evident that the there was a fire, some looting, and... shit, bullet holes in the fucking wall... then Dr. Dre's The Chronic started playing on the stereo... Then one of the guys said, "Gun shop, liquor store, gun shop. Shit. Where the fuck are we going?" Two blocks later... "Gun shop, liquor store, gun shop... church?!... Is that?... Martin Luther King Drive?! Fuck, we wanted a dive bar, not a gonna die bar! Mikey, what the fuck? How does this look? Three middle-aged white guys, driving a white late model minivan, with Minnesota plates, bumpin' Dr. Dre, in the 'hood---no, the fucking hood, in Atlanta... at night!" I started laughing hysterically. Stopped at a light and snatched the GPS from my friend, and took a look. It wasn't taking us to our desired destination in Marietta. No, we weren't headed to Murph's Lounge. We were apparently going to some place called J.R.'s! So I corrected the destination on the wondrous lil Garmin.

JR's Lounge - Open Thursdays, Fridays and Sundays
from 8:00 PM to ?? Party Time

Did it say, "Make a legal U-turn at the next intersection," like we would be backtracking to Murph's? Fuck no! No, instead it said continue for one quarter mile and turn right onto Interstate 20. Fuck. So we just drove pointlessly through the hood's back streets like the naive fools we were, saw the legendary "liquor store, gun shop, liquor store," watched what I swear was a crack deal go down, and lived to tell the tale.

And that was just the thirty mile drive to get two miles to Murph's Lounge, a shithole bar in Marietta, GA. Then, we went into the bar... and the real fun began!

In all, I have to say that the bar was awesome. The people were great. The barbecue was fucking phenomenal. The drinks were cheap and strong. And once we were finally there, we had a fucking blast. Highly recommended to visit, I just wouldn't suggest the path that we traveled to get there.

Okay, I'm Back, and I Won't Be Taking Prisoners...

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 18:08:00 +0000

I've found, over the years, that I have a rather insatiable thirst for life. Something that has come to the forefront of my life in recent past. I have also learned that:

An old dog can learn new tricks,
Business is business, even when it isn't,
You can trust anyone, just wear nice socks,
The government is here to ~~help~~ fuck you, and finally...
I've been told repeatedly of late that no one can hang with Mikey.

There have been some major changes in my life over the last several months, and in going through these changes, Mikey's let a little loose...and when Mikey lets loose...watch out.

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 18:05:00 +0000

So, I'm sitting here, high as a kite, and wondering what to do with the rest of my life. I think that I have actually come up with something... stick around... you'll find out more soon enough... :P

Lowered --- I Mean, Uhhhh, Managed --- Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 18:05:00 +0000

So, in every relationship, there is supposed to be give and take, and that needs to run in both directions to be successful. At least in my opinion. But wait, I apparently share this opinion with many others... So, here's my take on relationship reciprocation and what needs to be done in order to make that motherfucker work...

Expectations are Stupid?
Okay, maybe expectations aren't stupid, but as a friend recently pointed out to me, the creation of expectations is merely a setup for disappointment and pain. It's apparently better to just keep you expectations and desires in a relationship guarded so that you don't open yourself to the vulnerabilities and potential pains that will inevitably come along.

But then, where's the trust? Where's the loving relationship in which you share everything in your heart, mind and soul with each other? Well, that shit apparently died with chivalry. The Black Plague took care of it. So, what do you do? How do you express or create a reasonable expectation, and let it be known to your partner? Fuck, if I knew the answer to that, then I wouldn't have these fucked up problems, would be well adjusted, and have a powerful, loving relationship. Instead, I don't. But, what I do have is a knowledge of what I want, and a couple ideas of how to get it.

Number 1: Let your expectations be known. Communicate.
Communication is probably the most important aspect of any relationship. It's also one aspect that I have to constantly try to improve upon myself. Having been fucked over, burned, screwed, cheated on, and broken (Tiger, you ain't got shit on me) as many times as I have, I get a little skittish. But I am trying.

Let your expectations be known. Tell your other half. But make sure that you aren't dwelling on the little shit while the big driving you like a nail into the dirt. In other words, KISS (keep it simple, stupid). If it doesn't concern a deal breaker, is it really an expectation worth throwing at your SO? Look at things like character, creed and ability to connect. Beyond that, really ask yourself if it's that important, and if not... fuck it, let it go (another thing that I really need to work on).

Number 2: When new, let it grow.
Don't be the douchebag that starts a relationship with, "In order to be with me, you have to..." Fuck that. Cultivate, care for and allow it to grow. The expectations will come along in due time. Make sure that you enjoy that honeymoon phase and allow yourself to be free and happy. That way, you may just find other wonderful things that will make you appreciate that special someone all the more. I have say, that in this department I think that I may also have failed a time or two, but again, I'm trying.

Basically, chill out, enjoy your relationship. Throttle back on the bullshit expectations, but be sure that the things important to you are known. Communicate. Love, and let the romance and relationship grow....

Fuck, I sound like a pussy today... but it had to be said, so eat me.

A-fucking-men....

P.S.
I'm back bitches.... Hope all y'all motherfuckers're ready, 'cause the ATL is helping me get ready to let it all out, and I've got a lot of pent-up shit to say...

White Chocolate

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 00:58:00 +0000

I'm the man with dro, the dough, the flow,
The power to flex, and the smooth to flow.
I come hard, drive fast, all you motherfuckas...
go home.

Fuck the mobile home and the camaro,
It's the home on the lake that I own, ya know!
You think swagga comes in a bottle?
It's born and bred, not learned, so no.

[chorus]
My swag so down, so cold,
Fuck makin it rain, White Chocolate makes it snow.
Just ask 'cause erryone in da know,
And if they don't know WC, just ask 'bout Volcano.

Hit club at night, dressed out, money right.
Lookin round, see the girls ripe and tight.
The feel's so bright that
Mikey's wearin' shades at night.

Green smoke, money flows,
DJ spinnin for the folks on the dance flo'.
You know, it's more than just a show,
The night don't stop, it just go go go.

[chorus]

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Ch-ch-ch-changes

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Tue, 31 May 2011 21:20:00 +0000

Okay motherfuckers. I know that I have made some fucked up decisions in the past, as evidenced by my now previous marriage, some of the step in my career, decisions of my personal life, and even things like my newly won $67,000+ in tax debt (God-fucking-bless America!). So we're entering a new era in the Mikeyverse. So here it goes....

Number one, I figured out many things about myself over the past several years, but more recently, I've had some interesting realities pounded into my head.

Number two, I've been slacking. Bad. So, in my effort to return to my once-glorious self, and once-again take the helm of my throne within the Mikeyverse, I pulling back into my mode. Work hard and party harder. Come hard or go home. When it comes to work and play, make sure that you can do both at the same time at least some of the time.

Number three, learn from your mistakes, never repeat them. That goes for everything. Sorry only counts if you truly intend not repeat. Trust is true only once. And despite what they say, perfection is out there, it's just perception and priorities that get in the way.

Ultimately, go for it. Be happy, but not naive. Fuck drama, fuck everything that holds you back.

I'm back and I'm taking the motherfucking world by storm!!!!

Today is a Good Day

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 00:23:00 +0000

I'm not still So,I like being able to say that I am actually happy with where I'm at now. But don't think that just because my life if going well that I'm not still full of rage and a need to rant. It's what I do and if you don't like it...then fuck you! Mikey's back and I'm here you stray.

Amen, bitches.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Realty Reality

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Wed, 12 May 2010 14:57:00 +0000

Let me just say...

The land of realty sucks right now, and despite what the government, news and your local realtors want to tell you, it's not getting any better. Especially in the Twin Cities.

If you're a home owner, this could spell disaster as you home values plummet. If you have an ARM, you're an idiot...if you're considering one, don't. ARMs are one of the major reasons that the market is where it is today. These dumbasses out there thought oh gee, I'll get a house that I can in no way afford on an ARM or interest only loan, and then when it comes time to pay piper, I'll sell and collect on the equity from the rise in value. HA! *that's for you, Lefty*

What many people are finding is that when the ARM came up, the values had gone down, and then they were stuck in a home owing more than it was worth with a payment that was nearly impossible to meet. People's home payments have doubled, sometimes even tripled, causing foreclosures galore.

If you don't own a home right now (all you renters out there), now is the time buy. You can pick up a home for pennies on the dollar! Take advantage of the situation! But don't do it with an ARM. Word on the street is that the market won't recover for while. In fact, it's commonly whispered among professionals in the field that the bottom won't hit for another 1-3 years! How's that for being bent over the table?! However, you can pick up a short sale or foreclosed home for practically nothing, and if you are smart, you'll do it now---on a 15 or 30 year fixed rate mortgage. That way, the payments won't change.

Heh, and the dumbest thing that you can do right now is put a condo on the market. With single family homes being available right now for practically nothing, the best decision that I can offer is buy a new home, and rent out your condo or townhome. This way, you can increase your net worth, and not get screwed by the market.

So, you own a home and want to sell, but you don't think that it will appraise at the necessary value to get out of it and move on? Try an alternative, like contract for deed! Keep the banks out of the process and make the transactions work for you.

Amen.

Heh, Teabaggers

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:15:00 +0000

Moronic right-wingers across the country are getting together today to protest a number of things, among them taxes, and "Obama's tax and spending practices." Umm, hey dipshits...just a few things...

First, the economic situation wasn't created by Obama, it was your jack-hole hero Bush. Don't forget that he's the one responsible for the situation that we're in right now. Obama's just tried to wade through the shitstorm that Bush so kindly left behind. Second, I don't pay my taxes so that the rich don't have to. Fuck them. They want their money...well, guess what bitches, it ain't yours! Pay your taxes just like everyone else, and we'll get along just fine.

I also like that the "journalistic hero news organization" What the Fox News is the primary supporter of the events of the day. You would think that such a reputable organization would have the gumption and forethought to do a little research...maybe google the name that they're giving to all of the attending? I don't know, a little check on the term teabagger... heh. Maybe an intern did, and thought that this would just be fucking hilarious. I think that it is.

I encourage everyone to attend the tea parties. Go the parties, as I will be, and offer your services. I'll be there to offer my services as the teabag to all those right-wing jerkoffs that apparently want so badly to be the teapot. Hey Righty McMoron, open and say ahhh...

Amen.

Click Click, Boom Boom What the Fuck???

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:00:00 +0000

Okay, so this overly skinny malnutritioned little bitch, Gisele Bündchen, the Brazilian "supermodel," (just what the hell does that mean, anyway???) and her husband, the American football star (or, is it has-been) Tom Brady, took upon themselves to declare themselves gods and exert power over people that to which they had no right, whatsoever. I guess that they really really really didn't want any "unauthorized" pictures taken of their wedding.So, these two photogs were taking pictures from a property where they had permission to be, in Mal Pais, Costa Rica. When staff security shot at them??? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Why the hell aren't these jackhole celebritards in jail? A crime perpetrated via proxy of a third party is still a fucking crime, and last time I checked, it's pretty much a universal law that shooting at someone is attempted murder.The Boston Herald, claims to have exclusive pictures of the wedding, said the paparazzi were from the INF photo agency, and were hiding in bushes near Bündchen's beachfront home taking pictures of the event when they were caught by the newlyweds' security guards. Fine, but they weren't on Bündchen's property, according to reports, and therefore, the security had absolutely no right act whatsoever. I don't give a shit what your pansy-assed excuse is."The photographers, identified as Yuri Cortez and Rolando Aviles, were marched to Bündchen's villa where they were ordered to surrender their still photos and video," noted the paper, "The men refused and fled with the security guards in pursuit. Two of the photographers ran to a waiting SUV and jumped in as a guard fired a shot at them, the photo agency said. The bullet shattered the Suzuki's rear window, passed between the two men in the front seat and bounced off the windshield."Lucky for these fuck-nuts, no blod was spilled, but the incident gives a new meaning to the term "shotgun wedding." Pics of the car are available on the Internet, and from the New York Daily News. According to the Can't Stop the Bleeding blog, Cortez was shocked. "I couldn't believe it when I realised what they had done," he said, "I could have lost my life for the sake of some pictures that Gisele didn't want published. Are they insane?"Way to state the obvious Cortez...Are they insane? Not really, they just are completely self-involved and think that the world revolves around them and that they are above the law. Fuck you Gisele and Tom Brady. May you suffer life-long acne and blow out your knees.Amen.

O'Reilly, Who the Hell Are You?

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:46:00 +0000

If it's on the left, or in the news, or affects the right poorly, or makes Bill look stupid, or can any way be taken out of context, Bill O'Reilly is all over it. In his latest bloviation of oral fecal evacuation, Mr. O'Reilly went to bat for Sarah Palin, lambasting Eminem for his latest song and video and how the hockey helmet wearing hockey mom with presidential aspirations was portray in it. Fine, Bill, you don't like that, but it's okay to knock on the other women in it? WTF? How 'bout how you portray women, especially under-aged teens in your little personal porno, that wonderful book that you wrote? I s'pose that was okay? What makes the Alaskan airhead so friggin' special? Personally, I think that it's because you're secretly the Palsey-boy Palin's daddy, and you enjoy slipping Sarah the caribou sausage on a cold winter's night. Get over yourself, and your self-righteous sense of being. Go hunt down a dermatologist or something you sad sack.

Amen.

The U.S. Government: the new Anti-Robin Hood

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:40:00 +0000

Okay, so it was determined that the auto industry and banks were "too big to be allowed to fail." If they fail, then the world economy will fail. I seem to remember when Walmart and its cohorts were killing businesses left and right that they were being told "fuck you, it's capitalism." Heh, ain't karma a bitch? Hey AIG, Bank of America, CitiGroup, GM, Chrysler... FUCK YOU, IT'S CAPITALISM! Just like all the rest of us, if you are failing, then you don't deserve your fucking bonuses, and you don't deserve to be save from bankruptcy. Frankly, Mr. Obama and all you jackholes in the government, my question is "Where's my fucking bailout?" I want ten million dollars so that I can myself a $750,000.00 bonus, and then go out and spend $750,000.00 and then I want another bailout. Seems only fair, don't ya think? If they can do it, then why can't I? I own a business. It's a corporation. I participate in the capitalist world. I want my fucking money!

Now there's so much toxicity in the market that foreclosures are happening left and right, and in my neighborhood, where home just a couple years ago were valued over $500,000.00, there are currently three homes standing empty, foreclosed and quickly finding themselves being reclaimed by nature. The siding is peeling, beautiful landscaping now nothing but weeds... it's the American fucking dream ain't it?

But there does seem to be some poetic justice in it all. Organizations like Take Back the Land are using civil disobedience to circumvent the law, and are helping homeless people setup residence within these homes. With all of the money that banks are being thrown, I don't think that they even give a shit. Sherriff's departments around the country are overwhelmed in paperwork from expectant foreclosures, and are sometimes refusing to take action.

I even tried to purchase one of the homes in my neighborhood to rehab and possibly rent out. The bank that currently owns it (Countrywide) won't even show it. Isn't Countrywide now owned by one of those banks getting the TARP funds because they have it so bad? How fucking bad can it be when you won't even take the business that literally seeks you out? What the fuck?

Oh, well. I just hope that the government opens their eyes soon and realizes that we won't fail if they go bankrupt. It will probably actually help in the long run. Fuck 'em. If run my company like shit, I go bankrupt, and lose the business. Why should they be so different? If they go away, someone will step in to take their place. I know it. It's how the world works. Fuck the right wingers, let the chips fall. I'm ready for it. Are you?

Welcome to the new "underground railroad."

A-fucking-men.

Can I See Your License and Registration, Please?

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 22:28:00 +0000

Okay, so I think that we've come to a head on this. There is definitely a need to have parental licensing and registration of kids to families. I've pondered on this for quite some time, and it's taken a lot, but fuck it. A lot of the parents out there that I see on a regular basis have no business having kids. Period.

If you care more about getting a new car than spending some quality time with your runts, you shouldn't have your fuckin' kids.

If you need a beer more than you think your kids need milk, you have no business having kids.

If your desire to party has you pawning your kids off on friends and family for weeks or months at a time, you need to be strung up.

If you have no job, live with your parents, are in your thirties, already have six kids that you can't support, daddy ain't there, and you decide you should have more, well, then you're completely fucked in the head, need psychiatric help, and are considered to be a waste of existence, go off somewhere and stop taking up my air. What the fuck?! You're living on the government the dime, and you expect no one to jump in have something to say about what you're doing? You are a detriment to society. You drag all the rest of us down. You're a waste that need to be shot into outer space.

I offend? Fuck you. You decide to get your fuck on, and get knocked up with no intention of taking care of the consequences of your actions, and you're not only a drag on society, but your hurting everyone involved, especially your kids.

If you need that pussy, but can't hang with the idea of actually taking care of your kids that you have from three mommas, then you should have your shit snipped, or better yet, you needn't procreate at all you slack-jawed knuckle-draggin' piece of shit motherfucker. Let's just cut of your cock all together. How you like that idea?

So, you think, you're a man, what the fuck do you know? Or, what gives you a leg to stand on, you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Well, fuck you, and you're wrong. I know exactly what I'm talking about. So, here's a glimpse into my reality for all you loser cocksuckers that can stand up to your responsibilities in life, but want to strut around you're some top shit...like your shit don't stink.

I come from a blended family. My father had three children before me, so I have a half-brother and two half-sisters. Dickhead bailed on all of us, and lived out the rest of his squalid and pathetic years in a bottle, until he died of the all-too-common combination of alcohol and diabetes. I wish that I could have known him, but it is what is. Fuck him. He married my mother, they had me. A year later, they had my little brother, who died after nine months (I think that is what actually tore my parents apart). So there's that. Mom got sick of Dad's antics and left him, he took off never to be seen again. When I tried to look him up as a young adult, he was already dead. So, back in time... my mom meets my asshole stepdad, they marry, and I'm introduced to my new step-brothers and sisters. Two of each. All older. What does that make me? The fucked up youngest of eight...kinda. So, I know the difficulties of child support and visitation from the aspect of both worlds as a kid. My dad never paid a dime, never visited. If I could see him today, I'd kick him in nuts and walk away. Spilled milk. I watched my stepdad pay alimony and and support on his four kids for years. Put us on the verge of nothing-ness throughout my childhood, while those snot-nosed fucks and their bitch of a mom got live in a well-to-do neighborhood of an upper-class community. Fucking awesome. But he paid, and he spent time with them, and coached them, and took them on vacations, and they had that contact.

Fast forward a couple decades. I had a son. The light of my life, the apple of my eye. His mom and I didn't make it, and I've paid support for him and worked out visitation and custody over the years so that everyone gets the best they can. I pay more in child support for my one kids then anyone else I know. More than anyone I know does for more than one. But I pay it. Faithfully. Because I love my kid, and I want what's best for him, and I won't stand for him to be denied anything. I get him almost half time.

I met a new woman. She already had a son, his dad is a deadbeat piece of shit scumbag motherfucker. He only comes around when having his son is good for his image. You know, those family get-togethers on Christmas and Easter, sometimes on Thanksgiving. He doesn't even call on the phone. He reminds me of my dad. He even left the state in an effort to avoid paying his support. Motherfucker. So, I pick up his slack. I teach my stepson the way to be a real man. To take responsibility. I teach him to cook, to respect, to look others in the eye. I'm the one helping with his homework. I'm the one coaching his football, and going to his events, and talking to his teachers. I have the contact, his father's the one missing out. Another waste of existence.

New woman and I? We married, we had two more children. A boy and a girl. Decided that we've had enough children. That we needn't have more, lest we not be able to afford it, and have to take handouts from others or the government. I got a procedure done. No more kids. The responsible thing. I sit on boards, I'm involved in the community, work multiple jobs, own multiple companies. I'm a regular fuckin' All American Boy. I don't think that it's that fuckin' hard. I manage. So what the fuck is wrong with the rest of you motherfuckers?

So, here's Mikey's friendly advice of the day: take care of your fucking responsibilities. If you can't call on me. I'll be happy to come over and kick you square in the nuts until you figure it out.

Oh and Big Brother? Unkie Sam? You like to control us all, how 'bout initiating a new set of parental licensing laws. Mandatory anti-breeding medication without license to be taken starting at puberty, and continuing until such licensing, and then resuming upon the birth of said licensed and then registered child. Shit, fuck that. Let's make it good and fun. Mandatory medication for women (the don't want what I have in store for men), and mandatory chastity cock locks and sexual inhibitors for the men. Too many deadbeat dads...fuck you all. Get it right, and then we'll see what we can do.

A-fucking-men.

Fuck Stewie, Gilbert and Sullivan! Here's my list.

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 15:06:00 +0000

I've got a little list, of shit that makes me pissed

And now I'll share with you my little P.O.'d list

There're the politicians who get blown in airport bathroom stalls,

Who say that gays should have no fucking rights 'round here at all.

And Senators and Congressmen who think that they're so great,

They fight for all the little guys with posturing debate.

And all those bloviating right-wing jerkoffs spewing hate.

They're all upon my list, my list that makes me pissed

And they better watch out now because they won't be missed.

There's the asshole on the airplane who bitches 'bout the food,

Then spends the next two hours blowing ass around the room.

There's the drunk and stupid blonde white girls who live life like a tramp,

Then bitch and moan and try to sue 'cause they showed their tits on cam.

And all those stupid fucking jock who think that they're so cool.

I've got them on my list, it ain't for next Christmas,

It's just a little list of shit that makes me pissed.

There's the little rich fucks, spending Daddy's hard-earned money, then

They cry and pout when Daddy's gone and nothing's left for them.

There's the black guy who complains about the ways he been kept down,

Because spent so much time with his pants sagged to the ground.

If you dealing drug, or banging on the streets don't fuckin' cry.

'Cause you've made it on my list, of shit that makes me pissed

And I'm not done with this trist, there's more here for my list.

When wiggers cock their caps and sag their pants and smoke a blunt,

And think that they're original 'cause they listen to Da Runt.

When women wear those slutty clothes, and ass and tits fall out,

But then get pissed because you looked and scratch your eyeballs out.

Hey, Bitch if you didn't want me to look then cover up.

You're on my fuckin' list, I'm ranting and I'm pissed,

And to get off of my list, Well you can't and you won't be missed.

There's the illegal alien that complains about rights,

About how he's been wronged by us, we just don't get his plight.

There the hooker selling diseased as on Lake and Hennepin,

Who says that she's making joy when thrown into the pen.

Hey whore how do make the happiness when AIDS kills?

You've made it to my list, my ranting little list

It just keeping on growing more, it's my not-so-little list.

There's the terrorist who kills people in the name of Allah,

Who says it wrong for you to kill, but he can 'cause he thing that he's special.

The fucker on the on the bus that doesn't seem to notice his own stink,

Like he can't tell that he smells of B.O. and week old shit

He just stands there oblivious while I want to vomit

He's on my fucking list, wash your fucking shit

Oh yeah it makes me sick and gets you on my list.

There's the asshole next to me at work who has no etiquette,

He eats like he lives in a barn, it makes me pissed as shit.

Just close your mouth and then you chew, it nicer in that way,

We don't need to hear or see, and hold the fucking spray.

I can't believe you won a spouse you mother fucking pig!

Yeah, you are on my list, it peaves me and I'm pissed.

Just fucking learn to live, I think you get the jist.

There's the 4 foot 9 dickhead who thinks that he is just so big,

And fat chicks who wear spandex, and all those fat and lazy kids,

And people who get fat at Mickey D's and want to sue,

French fries are not veggies and that's Big Mac is bad too.

You've all made it to getting on my list.

My list of stupid shit, that really makes me pissed

But I will stop right here, before I fucking wet myself.

Digital TV? Where Nice Socks

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:42:00 +0000

I'm all for progress. The digital revolution is the wave of the future, and eventually the whole of the nation will be watching television in ways that many never even imagined. In February, all analog television signals will be ended. The digital spectrum will be the only available source for television from that point on. With that said, you're not to fear, because the government doesn't want to take away you television, they just want the analog spectrum so that they can sell it off, and use portions of it for Big Brother, and somehow line the pockets of officials in way or another, now and into the future. But don't worry. Uncle Sam wants to hook you up for free! If you contact the Commerce Department, they'll send you a coupon for a heavy discount on a digital antenna, and then you can join the world of joy and satisfaction as a satisfied viewer of DTV!

Well, not exactly. See, the whole voucher thing didn't work the way that Unkie Sam wanted. They grossly behind schedule and won't be able to fulfill all of the requests. So, in a couple weeks, all a lot of people will be seeing (over 6 million by government estimates) is static. Isn't that a big fuckin' bag of awesome?!

So, Obama, Champion of All, and his administration supported an effort in Congress to delay the final transition. And all was on it's way. Everyone would still have their televisions, even the poor and destitute. Everyone would be able to continue watching Must See TV. All was set. The government would be able to continue on with their lives and it would only be a delay until the the catchup could be performed and everyone had their tuners.

Today, however, those mother fuckers in the Republican party shit on us all again. They quashed the bill, and purposefully fucked over 6 million people. And you three-toothed yokel Republican voting backwater shit-holes out there that think these people have your back, then you're surprisingly even more stupid than we all thought before. Why the hell do you shiny turds keep voting for these assclowns? Time after time they give it to you in the ass, and time after time you vote them back in. What are you, a fuckin' glutton for punishment?

Well, I've got some advice for you. You should all wear some nice socks in February, 'cause at least then when you're taking the boner from Boehner, you'll have something decent to look at.

Amen to that, bitches.

Ooh, Ms. Alba...Sexy and Sassy!

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:12:00 +0000

So, Jessica Alba is the ever-present hottie that manages to make virtually every man feel that special tingle in their pants. And now, well now she's proving that she has the brain to go with the bod. But my favorite part of it all? She's got balls the size of grapefruits! Call Bill O'Reilly an asshole and manage to catch the sights of TMZ as well? But the best part? She just won't back down. She holds her own and sticks to her guns. And her reference? It must have just been a little over the top for these dumbshits, and they just can't manage to let it go. So what do they do? Jump the gun with their cocks in their hands, and try to make her look like an idiot. Well, I tell you here and now: you only making yourself look stupid.

"Be Sweden about it." She's right. For the most part, Sweden is a neutral country. Since before World War I, Sweden has maintained a policy of neutrality. As a country, Sweden has not directly participated in a war for well over a century. Since World War II, the Swedish military has only been involved in multi-nation efforts of peacekeeping through organizational efforts of groups such as EU, UN, NATO, and USJFCOM. So, in the spirit and actuality of the statement, Ms. Alba is correct, and you the asses of TMZ are wrong, stupid, and juvenile.

First of all, TMZ.dick, the fight wasn't yours. But apparently that doesn't make a difference, does it? You just have to try to smear whoever you can because that's how you make your money. Yeah, you and your founding owner can just go and bite some donkey cock.

Oh, and Bill O'Reilly being kind of an a-hole. Well, I disagree. Bill O'Reilly is a bloviating know-it-all pompous and hypocritical cocksucker. He's so much of an asshole that he's become a combination of pure rectum and sphincter.

And A-fucking-men to that.

I'm Baaaack!

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 04:05:00 +0000

Okay, so I was on vacation. I needed it. There was just too much crap going on in the world, and my brain needed to vacate from the Minnesnowta freeze. So, now I'm back and in action once again. I'll be posting daily once again, so look out bitches!

Check for Fire and Brimstone, Paris Hilton Had a Thought

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:30:00 +0000

Maybe even two! In the coming January issue of Esquire magazine, Paris offered up her thoughts, and amazingly enough they were printed. Quckly dubbed the "20 pearl of wisdom from the heiress on her goals," she's shown how little she's matured since her stint of run-ins with the law.

She's so "down-to-earth," and seeing with the commoners' eyes, that she has even taken to not going out. Of course, why go out when you have millions and just built the damn night club into your house. She even said, "Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don't need to go out." What the fuck?! Yeah. You mean that it's better because then the paparazzi is held at bay so you can make an ass of yourself, and not have to worry about it hitting the tabloids the next day? You're still a lush, princess, but you shade it however you feel.

She bought a place that she named "Paris Palace" and was even quoted as saying that it's "the best thing I've ever bought with money." So what's the best thing you ever bought without money? What was the currency that you used? Your ass bought you a nice Bentley? Blew a guy for a Rolex? I don't get you, Paris. Basically, you're famous because of your grandfather's name, you have no scruples, can't act or sing worth a damn, yet you get deals left and right...and who the hell declared you hot?! Sure, you've got a tight body, but that face deserves a paper bag or two, for sure. You remind me of a younger and slightly more feminine version of Odo from Deep Space Nine. Your eyes are so jacked-up-looking that if they got any closer together, they'd be one and you'd be somewhere much more fitting you, on display in a freak show..."Come on, come all, see the Cyclops live before your very eyes!

Oh, and Paris, people don't think that you're a spoil brat because of the way you look and your last name. People think that you're a selfish slutty spoiled little shit because of how you act and carry yourself in the public eye. I can promise you one thing, however, Little Miss Priss, you'll never be a blond icon. You are no Grace Kelly or Marilyn Monroe, and you should slap whomever told you such ghastly bullshit, even if you need to dig them up first. You may have been the first inbred toad in the bunch, but that just makes you the oldest inbred toad, it doesn't turn you into a swan, no matter how much money you throw at the situation.

She makes it all sound like she does everything...Hey Paris, you can drop the act, and stop with the bullshit. You are no chemist, and couldn't tell a pheromone from the piss I just drained from my morning mocha. I have yet to see you do anything for yourself, except get thrown in jail. You've been handed your entire lot in life, and frankly there are many people much more deserving than you.

Paris was even confused (a deep concept, I know) by the mass numbers of people that strive for the limelight, the fame, the fortune, especially when considering her grand efforts in achieving what's she's achieved. Fuck you. Tremendous effort? Like building up that tolerance to alcohol so Britney wouldn't have to hold your hair every other night when you pray to the porcelain god after your evening clubbing, or the parts just handed to you for God-knows-why on the various films that you've graced? Maybe the great poise you've shown in the entrance you made in the adult film market? Yeah, you've got good karma---no, wait, you don't. You've got good credit and shitload of money from Daddy and Grandpa. Didn't Calgon take you away yet?

Amen.

Mikey l'Rant's Hero of the Day - Muntadhar al-Zeidi

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 20:15:00 +0000

Dubbya visited Iraq this past weekend, and during a final press conference with the Iraqi prime minister, was shown what is quite possibly the worst insult within the Arabic world. Reporter Muntadhar al-Zeidi, 28, stood up, and while throwing a shoe at the Douchebag of the Decade, yelled, "This is a gift from the Iraqis, this is a farewell kiss, you Dog!" As if that wasn't enough, the jet-lagged Men in Black---I mean Secret Service---didn't even manage to get to their feet until after he's taken off his other shoe, throwing that one while screaming, "This is for the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq!"

After that, an agent tackled al-Zeidi from behind and he's been detained ever since, apparently at the Prime Minister's office (where he should be receiving a reward, due compensation, a medal, and the gratitude of a country beseiged by the lies and occupation of a power-hungry "Mad King George."

Secret Service...Keeping that Service a Secret...Shhhh
So, the Secret Service failed to react. No one jumped in front of the shoe. I wouldn't either! Take a bullet for this jerkoff?! You've got to be out of your fucking mind! I don't care what oath you swear, he's broken his oaths as president, I wouldn't keep mine to protect him. I bet some of the dark-clad warriors were secretly wishing that the shoe would explode on approach, ushering in a new era. But, it didn't. Oh, well. That's might turn out good, because I understand that Curious George may have an appointment somewhere in central europe...like the Hague. Fuckin' criminal ass clown.

Bush Too Stupid to Know When Insulted

The Human Douche is mentally defunct. In a later release, the Walking Ass Hat compared it to "going to a political rally and having people yell at you," or getting flicked off by another motorist on the road. No, you dumbshit, it's not! This just goes to show how disgustingly ignorant you are. A more American comparison that carries the same level of insult and expected demoralization would be something like having having a naked leper lay a Cleveland steamer on your forehead, or being teabagged by a gang of herpes-infected miscreants who are all stricken with elephantitus of the testicles. Does that make it a little clearer you living pantload?

I'm not sure about the rest of the world. Frankly, I'm not sure about the rest of America, or anyone outside of my circle for that matter. But I can tell you this: I do know many people who Muntadhar's ire for this leash-led chimp and the sheeple that have blindly followed him as he's ripped apart our constitution and entire nations for his personal gain. Personally, I think that some shoe company out there should have a sale. Call it the "Seeing You Sole Sale," or the "Fly-By --- Your Head Shoe Sale." Something to honor Muntadhar and his brave act.

Muntadhar, you are the Hero of Day!

What to do With a Hero?

In the times of Hussein's Iraq, someone who did something like this to insult a foreign dignitary was put to death. But that Iraq doesn't exist anymore, and Bush's bitches can't exactly ask for anything like that, can they? Because then they'd be proving once again that they're no better than Saddam. Besides, Bush is about as much a dignitary as Pablo Escobar was when he would visit other countries on vacation. In fact, there is no law in Iraq concerning a situation such as this. So, he's broken now, let the man go. He's been through enough because of Bush and his illegal war for oil (kidnapped and tortured by insurgents for three days in Sadr City, and then held by U.S. troops...what the fuck?!). Pay the man a reward and let him go about his life. He's not a criminal, Bush is. No, Muntadhar al-Zeidi is a hero, and he should be treated as such.

Amen.

Senator Craig: Admit You Like the Sausage Already

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 20:15:00 +0000

Momma always said, "Never trust a man with two first names." Looks like this is a case in which she was right. Sen. Larry Craig, the now famous Republican of Idaho has now lost his bid to retract his guilty plea from last year's case. Mr. Senator, can you just admit you like Polish sausage, but the sausage pole is even better? Let us all move on, already.

In case you "don't recall," here's a run-down of the story so far...

Senator Craig was on a layover at the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport back in August of 2007. He figured that he had some extra time on his hands, so he went into a bathroom, and played secret handshake in a stall as a way for hunting some ass. Some man-ass. Well, it turned out that his secret handshake partner to be was actually an undercover police officer who was investigating a problem in the public airport restrooms with homosexual men getting so turned on by the smell of other men's rancorous assholes that they were losing control of themselves and playing glory hole games right there in the stall.

Now Larry, one of those prominent Republican Senators who stands all tall for marriage between men and women, shoots down those who break their vows while in public office, and apparently has a disdain for gay rights, didn't want to have this go public. When the officer asked for ID, good ol' Larry handed him one of his "I'm a U.S. Senator" cards in hopes that would get him off. But, this officer wasn't letting Larry the Lounge Lizard get off that day, in any way, shape or form.

He's a smart guy. He knew what would happen to his political career should this hit the courts, so he and his attorney plead guilty, and hoped that it would all just go away. Well, channeling the Simpsons' Nelson Munz, I just have to say "HA HA!" The information concerning this was leaked, and Larry had to answer to the public, his constituents, and his family and friends. That make Larry mad. He go to lawyer. Ug, ug.

Larry got his attorney on the horn...meaning phone in this case to all you political wannabes out there, and they tried to recant his statements and have the guilty plea struck down so that this could go to trial. Do you all remember when Paris Hilton said that she never read what she was signing when she signed the ticket for the officer? Remember? She signs stuff all the time, and doesn't read it? Well, our butt-buddy Larry tried to pull the same thing, saying that he didn't fully read or comprehend the statements within the plea that he signed. Well, Larry, first that just speaks to how we should review your voting record in the Senate, and second, that's your own fault. Not knowing the law is not an acceptable reason for breaking it. Not reading a contract before signing is the same as reading it. Either way, you have signed the contract, agreement or otherwise, and are therefore bound to it. Ha ha, sucks to be you...Next!

Hey Larry, what exactly is the problem with this? Is it that now you're not getting any at home? Is it that your Republican colleagues now refuse to stand with their backs to you? Is it that your layover pickup spot in Minne-snow-ta is all-gone-bye-bye? Or is it the combination of everything, and you're not even in a cell to land a piece from Bubba and Big Jeb?

Larry, you're scum. Admit your downfalls and move on. Let it go, and stop wasting Minnesota's resources on your pity parade. Just sayin'.

Amen

What's Next...Mexico?

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:30:00 +0000

We've invaded countries because of Weapons of Mass Destruction. We've invaded because of their leaders. We've invaded for politics, money, oil, and my personal favorite---freedom. "Hey Akhbad! Sorry for bombing the shit out of your house, killing your family, and just standing there while terrorists raped your daughter and your dog. But never fear! We're here to free you!" Yeah. That's sounding more and more believable everyday.

And for the all of the invasions, what have we accomplished? Gitmo, and other secret prisons around the world, where you can sell your neighbor to the U.S. for a couple grand, and never have to see him get the morning paper in his underwear again. 'Cause he'll be eating Sarge's cock-meat sandwich for the next 10 years, without trial...without dignity, or even knowledge of why he's really there. Isn't that just a big bag of awesome?! And for all of this who can we thank? Why our appointed president, the Great and Valorous Dubbya.

Hey W! You're a dumbass! Why don't you put on some diving weights and take a long walk off a short pier?! There are so many much more terrible places in the world that deserve our attention. Look at Somalia, where the refugees come to our country in droves. That might be a hint of their need of our assistance, eh? How 'bout a real investigation into the Saudi involvement in 9/11? You want to invade a deserving country related to 9/11? Then take the royal Saud cock out of your mouth, and hit them up on that. Shit, they've got oil too! How 'bout North Korea?! Take Kim out! The Chinese don't like the idea? Fuck them too!

You want to fight corruption? You want to help the misfortuned, and you're really not some oil hungry prick out there to profit and fuck the U.S.? Then how 'bout this: look at our neighbor to the south. No, I don't mean Cuba, they're roiling in their own little quagmire right now due to the Castro conversion. How 'bout you look into Mexico? Shit, the city of Juarez (which borders the town of El Paso, TX, ONE OF OUR OWN FUCKING CITIES) is being ravaged daily by three major drug cartels as they war over the territory and who will rule it all. The prize? The border to the U.S. through which drugs, people and guns pass making them money and us hooked.

The corruption levels in this area are fucking astounding. The cartels openly fight with and kill the police that won't be bought. They kill innocents...woman, children, you name, they don't care. To them, it's a means to an end. You want to invade a country for purposes of freedom, the threats that they pose to us, and to work against corrupt officials? Well, then, get the fuck out of your lame-duck mode, and get to work! Mexico needs your leadership and the strong fisting in the ass that you so willingly have bestowed upon the peoples in the Middle East. Shit, they've got oil, they're closer to home, and there're so many of them here already we might as well become one big happy fucking family, right?

Shit, for that matter, many countries in Europe...even Canada...they all undermine our efforts to keep the socialist ideals like single payer health care at bay. Better invade them too, you fucking Nazi. For that matter, Greece has been breaking out in riots, Ivory Coast is in shambles, Phillipines is corrupt and mistreats their workers...

There was this country in the 1990's. It invaded another country. For oil. We came to the aid of the invaded country (Kuwait), and pushed back the aggressor (Iraq) to their own lands. In the early 2000's, there was another country. It invaded a country. For oil. They've now occupied that nation for over five years. Some of the invading leaders never want to leave. Other want to...eventually. That's terrible isn't it? Frankly, I'm aghast. The United States would never stand for that. At least that's what I was taught growing up. For most part, with the exception of the last few years, it's been true. So why don't we attack the invading country and drive them out? Because we're the fucking offenders! We did it this time! And shit, I guess that we've created one set of rules for ourselves and our conduct, Mr. Pussy---I mean Bush, and another for the rest of the world.

Ain't that just a kick in the trouser marbles.

Amen.

Fired by Email

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 05:00:00 +0000

It's amazing that there is so little compassion in the world today. From the lame-asses who break up with their clueless debutante lovers via text message to the wonderous new ways that the pink slips can now be delivered. I was reading up on the economy at NPR.com when I came across Linton Weeks' article on the low-down tactics that are now being used by some less than upright organizations. From Tesla's layoff via blog to the sticky note left on the chair to tell you you've just been ousted from your firm, companies are just plain cruel these days.

What kind of pansy-ass writes a form letter email to notify their employees that they've been deemed today's trash? Can we all grow some cubes here, or is that too much to ask? I don't care why you're firing me, but I'd like the courtesy of someone taking the two minutes necessary to let me go face-to-face.

It's the inpersonal actions that management is choosing to take that lead to the anger and sense of betrayal that leads to violent acts of retribution. I can tell you, some little prick sandbags me via instant message, and I'm likely to repay the care and empathy involved...repeatedly...with a crobar.

Look, you want to be respected in the workplace. We all do. People deserve the dignity of face-to-face communication that their position is to be elimintated. I just don't think that it's too much to ask. But then again, there's always that one guy who'll stand up on your $5000.00 desk, drop trou, and piss all over you and your office, just like you deserve. You know for eliminating 150 employees in order to protect you and your fellow executive bonuses.

Amen.

Greece'd Lightning

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:30:00 +0000

How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece? With a crobar...or at least that's the way the joke goes. Unfortunately for a kid in Greece, apparently gunshots do the job too. Two police officers were the targets of riots that broke out in Greece, where gasoline bombs were hurled at the police in front of the court house where they were to appear before the magistrate. Apparently, the cock-sure and trigger-happy Grecians killed a youth, and since there is already much ire for the government, this has sparked a fire that has caught the world's attention.

So, a kid gets shot in America, and it's not even news, it's more like, "ah, the infidels deserved it." But when it's Greece, then wow, everybody look! Look over here!

Hey, it's terrible that this kid died. It's terrible that the economy in Greece is sucking---just like EVERYWHERE ELSE! I'm sure that they can handle the situation in an effective enough manner that this need not be of worldwide concern. Personally, I think that they should talk about something that affects a few more people, instead of getting all riled over one. Say, how's the weather in Darfur?

Amen.

Hey Big 3, Suck It Up!

noreply@blogger.com (Mikey l'Rant) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:20:00 +0000

In reading the news this afternoon, I was amused that there was a hang-up, yet again, in the continuing effort to throw more money at the already fattened pigs running America's three primary automobile manufacturers. Apparently, the current disagreement centers around the fuel efficiency of the vehicles that they produce.

According to articles in the New York Times and Fox News.com, the contention is raised concerning the requirements that the Big 3 would have to adhere to in order to get their $15 billion (that's right BILLION, B-I-L-L-I-O-N---with a "B"). What the hell? We're not just handing them the money, and letting them fuck it up all over again? They have to follow the laws in the locales in which they're passed? Unheard of! It's not like any other business has to do this...oh yeah, EVERY other business is expected to do this!

Hey Big 3! Bite me! You think that you're above the law, and that you should be able to get whatever you deem necessary? I got something to give you, a foot in the ass. Don't give them the money, Congress. Bush is on board with the whole thing. That should be a big enough red flag right there.

Amen.