On the other hand, how many of us are experts at “making ourselves miserable?”  How often do we convict ourselves of the crime of being “our own worst enemy” when it comes to achieving those things that bring us joy?

Recent studies have shown that the truth about happiness lies somewhere in the middle; that we ultimately have to create happiness in our lives rather than simply find it.  Both the inside and the outside matter but, in the end, it’s what we believe about happiness that ultimately determines the level of joy and contentment we feel from day to day.

Happiness is as much a process and a set of beliefs inside of us, as it is “stuff” outside of us.

These are 4 principles that can help you in your journey to find the happiness that is all around you, and that lies within you as well.

(1)  When you have what you need, more of it won’t necessarily make you happier.

We all have certain basic needs for food, shelter and safety.  We have to meet these needs first before anything else that is meaningful can take place.  Once that happens, however, more stuff doesn’t necessarily mean more happiness.

Studies have shown that we humans don’t agree about the type of objective things that can be measured, like wealth, possessions, life expectancy, or social status, that will make us all happy. These things vary from person to person, culture to culture, and country to country. This is called the absence of an “objective measure for well being.” 

The simple truth is that science can’t point to any specific thing or things and say for sure that if you have this or that, happiness is right around the corner.  In fact, studies have shown that prosperous nations or individuals who become richer see very little increase in their levels of happiness.

It may be that because we are social beings, when we focus only on what we have to try to make ourselves happy, we all of a sudden notice that there are others around us who have more or better stuff.  The problem is “keeping up with the Jones” is never ending; someone somewhere will always have more than we do. 

As human beings, we also adapt to physical affluence.  Once we have something we tend to grow bored and want something different, bigger, and better.  Given that we live in a society where advertisers are paid millions of dollars to convince us we just can’t live without the newest, most updated “techno – gizmo” trying to purchase happiness can be expensive and endless.

So if you’re chasing more “stuff” in the hope that getting it will make you happy, you may be running east looking for a sunset.

(2)  Happiness happens from the inside out.

What we have learned, however, is that happiness always involves a sense of “subjective well being.”  Once our survival needs are met, it is how we feel about the quality of our life (is it meaningful, satisfying, purposeful, does it reflect our true values and beliefs) that plays a pivotal role in how much joy we feel in living day to day.

Studies show that the happiest people make it a point to connect with other people in a positive way (extroversion), believe that they have value simply because of who they are and not what they have (self esteem), and focus on trying to design their life so it matches their values and beliefs ( a sense of control).

Happiness is an approach, a mind set, a world view.  It’s the ability to see both what is good, and what is bad.  Happy people can control and shift their focus. 

They ask themselves questions that create opportunity and not limitations.  They wonder about what can happen, as opposed to focusing on what others say can’t.

In this way, happiness often comes down to what we chose to focus on.

(3)  Happy people have a tribe.

Simply put, studies show that positive social relationships are perhaps the greatest cause of happiness.  We are social creatures and it’s hard to be happy when you have to face hard times on your own.

SO DON’T!

As long as family relations are positive, make it a point to make that community a priority.  Family was meant for more than the holidays. It won’t happen by itself, you have to make it happen, so get going.

Make it a point to stay in touch with friends as well as family.  Join an organization that does charitable work that speaks to your values.  Find ways to contribute to your community.

Consider joining a faith or spiritual community that shares your values.  We are happiest when we feel understood and accepted and that often happens in a “tribe” that is committed to the betterment of its members and society at large.

(4)  Happy people work at it.

Happiness requires the ability to observe our reactions and be tolerant of our sometimes unhelpful nervous system.  We sometimes have Stone Age reactions to modern day issues because of how our ancestors had to adapt to life in their world.

Known as evolutionary psychology, this involves the study of how we presently interpret what’s happening in our world in seemingly illogical ways makes sense given how harsh life was for our ancestors.

Truth be told, there wasn’t a lot of happiness in Grandpa Caveman’s neighborhood.  Prehistoric man’s world was all about survival. 

Rule # 1 was “Don’t get eaten!” (Fear what is new). 

Rule #2 was “Make as many copies of yourself FAST!” (Reproduce).

Finally, Rule # 3 was “Get as much stuff as you can so you have extra when there is none to be found!” (Scarcity).

We carry this type of apprehension and fear in our nervous systems as part of our genetic inheritance, but you can see how this might make being happy a challenge.

So to deal with this, happy people develop strategies so they are able to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  They accept that they may have feelings of fear about knew or different things. 

They learn to watch the fear as an experience, like a wave that comes and goes, but not attach to it and have it take them for a ride.  Happy people learn to disentangle from this fear and then take action, which often leads to better results.

Finally, happy people measure what they are considering or are doing in the light of their own values and beliefs.  Happiness often resides in knowing who you are, what you believe, and behaving accordingly.

Congruence, when our inside feelings and our outside actions are in sync, plays a huge role in creating a life where we feel at peace.  In the end, harmony and tranquility can most often be found in those of us who are living our lives with integrity.

When we live up to our highest standards, we give our life meaning.  And when what we do and say reflects who we are at our best, happiness is usually not too hard to find. 

Photo credit:  Roland Urbanek via Flckr 

Life’s lessons can be learned in many different environments.  As a former member of the U.S. Army’s elite counter terrorism unit, known as the “Delta” force, LTC Peter Blaber learned these lessons where the margin for error was virtually non-existent, and the cost of failure was often deadly.

LTC Blaber’s book, “The Mission, the Men, and Me:  Lessons from a Delta Force Commander,“ is a fascinating read and one I highly recommend to everyone.  Rather than a tale of simply what the life of a Delta operator is like, Blaber shares the wisdom he gained in meeting the challenges of operating in unconventional and often harsh environments. 

His hard won knowledge is helpful to all of us trying to meet life’s challenges effectively.  Some of the key points he shares are:

1. It is the way we think, the way we make decisions, and the way we put those decisions into action that is of greatest importance.
2. Before making any critical decision, make sure that you have context.
3. Context is the reality of the situation around us.  Without context our minds have a tendency tot take short cuts and recognize patterns that aren’t really there.
4. Context is about all the essential pieces or dots of information that put what we think we are seeing in its proper perspective.  Before you “connect the dots, you have to collect the dots.”
5. Once we collect the dots, we need to allow our common sense, which is our understanding and knowledge of life’s conscious and unconscious patterns, to interpret what we are seeing.
6. Every mistake is an opportunity to ensure we never make it again, especially if the future consequences can be dire.

LTC Blaber’s book provides a fascinating insight into the strategies that can be employed to help make sound decisions in pressure packed situations.  These strategies, however, can be applied in all sorts of situations, not just combat.

Hope you enjoy the read.

Photo credit:  Isafmedia via Flckr

It seems like challenge and difficulty can be found around every corner these days, especially when we believe that “hard times” are all that there is that awaits us.  We struggle, we worry, we get angry, and we feel like it’s certainly not “us” that has the power to shape our life; it’s always some nameless, faceless “it” or “them!”

Sadly, this belief system guarantees only one thing; more of the same!  The truth is that although events in the world that are outside of our control do exist, how we respond to them is entirely within our control. 

Interestingly enough, it is from the warrior traditions of other cultures that we can often find insight into the seeming paradox of living with a sense of tranquility and gratitude in the midst of turmoil.  The Japanese Samurai warriors, for example, although confronted with the ever present threat of conflict, were known for their impeccable courtesy to others, even their enemies.

These warrior cultures often developed an exquisite appreciation for the beauty and tranquility found in everyday life despite, or perhaps as a result of, their having to manage conflict, fear, and sometimes the chaos of battle.

It is possible for us to also find “center” in our chaotic lives as did these warriors; to promote harmony in ourselves and in the world around us.  We too can develop an abiding sense of gratitude for all that we have, even as we struggle with our feelings about what we don’t have.

These are 6 steps that I have learned from my study of warrior cultures to promote harmony and develop and “attitude of gratitude.”

(1)  Harmony begins on the inside.

Harmony is about a feeling of congruence.  It most often arises in conditions of tranquility and agreement.  It makes its’ presence known through behaviors such as courtesy, appreciation, tolerance and patience.

The problem is, if you’re not being courteous, patient, appreciative and tolerant of yourself, you most likely won’t be able to give these gifts to others.  To paraphrase the New Testament, “What you do unto yourself, you will do unto others.”

Harmony begins with self care.  Let go of trying to always be “perfect” or “getting it all done.”  Take opportunities just to enjoy small things; the quiet time in the evening before bed, the aroma and warmth of a steaming cup of coffee, an orange colored brilliant sunset, how the fresh the wind can smell at midday, how beautiful the morning sky is.

The simple act of breathing in a relaxed, deep way calms your nervous system, relaxes you, and reduces stress. 

The less stress in you, the less stress you’ll create in your world.

(2) Harmony relies on establishing personal rituals.

Harmony is a habit, as is disharmony.  They both rely on rituals to exist. 

The Samurai lived in a society where courtesy to others was always required no matter the conditions.  There was a formal and accepted way of standing, walking, serving tea, and bowing that all Samurai understood betokened respect.

Develop rituals of politeness.  Extend courtesy to all but, most importantly, be courteous to the people who most often don’t receive it. 

What type of impact for good do you think you can have when you say “thank you” to the cashier who seldom, if ever, hears it from his or her customers? 

How have you effected his or her day, or perhaps his or her life, just by acknowledging their personhood?  And what did this simple act of kindness require of you?

Even when you are in conflict with another, strive to recognize the human dignity in your opponent and honor it as best you can. 

In the life and death encounters that encompass the world of all warriors, the Samurai, nonetheless, chose to see their opponents as being much like themselves; motivated by honorable intentions and, therefore, worthy of respect. 

Showing courtesy to all, even those we compete or are in conflict with, allows us to not only be in harmony with these challenging aspects of dealing with others, but to also never lose sight of the elemental connection we share with all people, even those with whom we may have legitimate differences. 

When those who disagree with us are willing to openly stand up and confront us in the service of their beliefs, they also recognize and acknowledge our integrity and willingness to do the same for what we believe in. 

In doing so, they demonstrate the simple truth of the Chinese adage that, “The courage of your enemy does you honor.”

(3)  Harmony compels us to find or create a sanctuary.

We all need a place where we can simply let down our guard.  That “place” can be a house of worship, a park, another person, or a room in our home.

To find sanctuary means to find a place where we feel absolutely and totally safe.  Find such a place, or make one. 

When you know what true safety feels like, you understand what harmony is, and when you feel it, you can move towards it, and away from disharmony.

(4) Look inside to find gratitude.

Warriors are grateful for each new day; for each new breath.  When life has the finality that only combat can provide, each sunrise is precious, each sunset seen with open eyes is a gift. 

Life is precious, because it is a fragile gift, and it is the most important gift we, as humans, all share.

There is a Japanese Zen tradition that is known as “Naikan,” which means to “look inside.”

 As daily exercise as yourself 3 questions:

(1)    What did I receive?

(2)     What did I give?

(3)     What troubles or difficulties did I cause the giver?

So, as you get up each morning angry about the job you hate, I invite you to ask yourself who kept your house warm as you slept? 

As you shave or shower, who made sure that clean hot or cold water was there for your unlimited use? 

Who patrolled your street that night and kept you safe from fire or crime?

Who guarded our nation’s borders and kept you safe while you slept? 

Who paved the roads you ride on? 

Who kept them clean? 

Who worked all night to make sure you had electricity to have the TV, coffee maker, stove, computer on when you woke up?

Now what have you done to thank them for what they have done for you, just so you can have the day you are beginning? 

How did you make their job easier?

And given that all this that was done for you just so you could start your day, explain to me again why you don’t have anything to be grateful for, or why you “don’t owe anybody anything?”

If you can’t be grateful for all this, then my guess is you’re just not paying attention to all the wonderful things that are just part of our everyday lives.  If you’ve ever been cold, or hungry, or unsafe, however, you probably don’t take these things for granted.

Remember that gratitude is the bedrock of a virtuous life.  Being thankful for what has been given to us makes it easier for us to give to others.

As the Roman philosopher Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

(5)  Share your gratitude with others.

Joy is infectious, and gratitude is as well.  If you want to feel and share gratitude, let yourself be in the presence of those who feel grateful.  Feel theirs’ and give them yours as well.

To live in gratitude we all need to be messengers, we need to give others the gift of what you feel truly thankful for. 

As William Arthur Ward said, “Feeling gratitude and not passing it on is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”

(6)  Believe!!!!!

Anais Nin said “We don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are.”  Harmony is not a place you get to, it’s a world you create.  Gratitude is created not by looking at what’s outside of you, but what is inside of you.

If you want your world to change, be that change.  Hope, strive, achieve, fail, but most importantly, believe you can make “your” world and “the” world better by giving it all you have.

And at the end of the day, recognize you and everyone else you meet on your journey through life is a miracle; there is only and will ever be only one of you.  That’s a miracle! 

And if nothing else, we need to be grateful for miracles.

Hang in there and, as always, keep the faith that you can make your life better!

 Photo Credit:  ForestMind via Flickr

Winning Conversations: 5 Principles to Help You to Say it More Effectively and Hear it More Clearly

We’ve all been there; that feeling of stuck, of impasse, when we’re trying to understand, or be understood, and the conversation seems stalled.  Try as we might, no amount of words seems to help us communicate effectively and we end up feeling frustrated, angry, or hurt.

What’s going on? 

Often our conversations, especially the seemingly truly important ones, are unsuccessful due to the fact that we’re not clear on how communication works.  We’re busy choosing words, but not speaking what we truly mean.  We’re waiting for our turn to speak, and not really listening to what the other person is actually saying.

Here are 5 principles that I’ve found can help you say it more effectively and hear it more clearly.

(1.)    Know what success looks like, and what it doesn’t!

To often in life, we confuse “success” with victory or dominance over someone else, when it’s actually about reaching an agreement that benefits both parties.  Bottom line, “winning” in a conversation is about ensuring you successfully get your meaning across and that you clearly understand what’s coming back to you from the person you’re speaking with.

So start with a clear sense of your purpose or, as we said in the Army, “know your mission!”  Before you begin talking, know as best as you possibly can why you’re saying what you’re saying, and what is the end state you are trying to get to.

Purpose provides focus, focus promotes clarity, and clarity increases the odds of a successful outcome.

Always remember that the goal of communication is the transfer of meaning from one mind to another.  “Meaning,” what we think or believe is significant and why, is something that is created by us as individuals and we also negotiate with others.  We are not just individuals, but members of communities and both have a say in what things “mean.” 

Concepts like good, bad, fair, unfair, right, wrong, kind, and unkind, and a whole host of other values are concepts that we have beliefs about individually, but that we also have to reach agreement on with other people so we know we’re operating from the same “rulebook.”

Given this fact, we need to communicate as clearly as we can what we believe the rules are from our mind to someone else’s, and vice versa.  The conversation is the vehicle that makes that transfer happen both ways; that’s its’ goal and if you’re talking for any other reason you may be doing a lot of things, but you’re probably not “communicating.”

So know what it is you want to say, but don’t assume the other person automatically knows what you mean when you say it.  Their “rulebook” may be a little different than yours.

(2.)    Know your own language because your words are always based on the story of who you are, what you’ve seen, and what you believe about the world.

We are the only species that is capable of “symbolic reasoning.”  Simply put, for human beings the same “thing” can have many meanings.  A vertical line and a horizontal line intersecting can be a plus sign, or a cross, or a 4 way stop on a map.  It depends on the context.

The meaning of different words and concepts, however, can vary tremendously based upon the culture, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity or age of the speaker and the listener.  As Anais Nin said, “We don’t see the world as it is; we see the world as we are.”

Our biology impels us to try to make meaning of our life experience so that it can be shared with others of our species.  This is part of our evolutionary heritage and what makes us human.  The words we use, as such, have meaning that is based on both who we are and the stories of our life that gives these words, these symbols for language, their meaning.

Try this experiment.  Get a visual image in your mind when you read each of these words: 

Soldier

Nurse

Doctor

Pilot

Teacher

Lawyer

Police Officer

Minister

Okay, my guess is the visual image you got was not the written definition of each word from the Webster’s dictionary.  You probably got a picture, but did you notice that your picture was most likely pretty specific. 

These words are essentially gender, age, and ethnicity neutral, but again my guess is for some words you got a male image (Police officer) and others female (Nurse), or perhaps an actual image of a person from your past who did these jobs.  Some images were older and others younger; some were of an ethnicity like your own and others different.

What you just did in this experiment was gain some insight into how these words and their meaning can be unique based on your life story.  If you had a bad experience with a teacher of a certain age, gender, and ethnicity, how did that effect your reaction to the word based on the visual image you obtained.

Keep in mind that it’s likely other people seeing the same words may have had totally different images based on their unique life story and experiences.  Both meanings are true and, yet, each may be completely different.

So how unique might someone’s understanding of a word’s meaning be when the symbols are more complicated and we’re talking about things like loyalty, honesty, betrayal, love, honor, responsibility, and fidelity?

How important might it be for you to know your own story around these concepts so you can effectively communicate what you mean when you say them? 

How important would it be to allow someone else to share their story so you know what they truly mean when they use these words and, most importantly, why?

A question that is worth asking is always one that needs answering.  We need to know our own words so we can share it with another if we choose to do so.  We also need to make sure that we don’t assume that just because someone speaks the same words as I do, they automatically mean the same thing to them.

(3.)    Context is everything!

Language is part of a complex system of communication.  It’s one of the dots that helps us understand our world, but “before we can collect the dots, we have to collect the dots.”

So you must always pay attention to the following “dots.” Who am I that is doing the speaking?  Who am I speaking to?  Where is the conversation occurring?  Why is it happening?

Non-verbal communication and cues lend context to the words being spoken.  Pay attention to tone, breathing, body language and your feeling reaction to what you are saying and hearing.

It’s been my experience that if you simply trying to “think” your way through a conversation you can miss a lot.  Your body reaction can tell you a lot if you stop and notice it. 

Feeling confused, distracted, frightened, angry, uncomfortable, calm, happy or sad when you say or hear something is always information about some element of the conversation.  It may be about the other person, about you, or about what’s going on in the space in between the two of you as you talk.  But whatever it is, it is always information that can be extremely helpful because it’s always telling you the truth about something. 

As Alice Miller cautioned, “The mind often lies, the body never does!”

(4.)    If you want someone to say it to you, you need to be willing to say it to them.

Words are how we convey our truth.  There is a power to our emotional truth that is unique.

If you want someone to be emotionally honest with you, or find out if they are willing to do so, you have to be emotionally honest with them.  Scary at times, but it cuts down on the confusion and the time wasted by trying to convey your true meaning and avoid feeling vulnerable.

The simple fact is that honesty does, in some way, make us vulnerable, but it also sets us free as well.

To either share your emotions or not to share them is always your choice, and must be done with forethought and care.  You’re not required to open your heart to someone who is just plain insensitive; that’s like bleeding in front of a shark!

Confronting your emotional truth is about knowing how you feel, and being able to say it in a clear, direct, and non-blaming way (if you so choose). It can feel incredibly empowering. 

So ask yourself:

• How do I feel about saying this? 
• Do I believe it’s okay to feel this way?
• If it’s not okay, what do I need so I can give myself permission to have whatever feeling I’m experiencing and know that they are neither good nor bad, right or wrong, they’re just the feeling I’m having in this moment?
• How do I feel when this is said to me?
• Is it okay for me to have my feelings in response and, if not, what do I need to help me make it okay?

Emotional truth is based on the premise that you and the person you are speaking with, are both deserving of courtesy and respect.  You are both entitled to feel what you feel, and these feelings belong to each of you and each of you alone. 

No one has a right to tell you that you can’t or shouldn’t feel how you feel, and no one is to blame for your feelings because they are, ultimately, always yours.

Emotional truth rests on the understanding that we are all responsible for what we do and say, but that, as individuals, we bare sole responsibility for how we feel and what we choose to do about those feelings.

(5.)    When in doubt, ASK(both of yourself and others).

To truly understand, we must be willing to ask questions, so use conversation as an opportunity to promote greater clarity.

Be willing to explore the feelings and meanings behind words.  Be open to asking your- self and others:

• “What do I/you mean when I/you say these words?”
• “What is the feelings behind the words?” 
• “Do the words clearly and directly convey the meaning or are there other, better words that can be used?”
• “Is there something I’m not saying, or that’s not being said that needs to be addressed?”
• “What is it?”
• “Is this the right context for the conversation?”

Conversations are like anything else in life; the more we question, the more we know.  The more we know, the better we do.

I wish you all well in your future conversations.

Good luck.

Photo credit:  Peter Nijenhuis via Flckr

Here are 5 steps to help become a master of patience in a world that seems to have become more impatient.

(1)    When emotion overwhelms, patience retreats.

“Patience” is best described as a state of forbearance or restraint in the face of delay or provocation, without becoming overwhelmed by annoyance or anger.  It is the ability to endure something negative that’s found its’ way into our environment, without letting it control our behavior.

Patience is, in this way, a positive trait and a strength, much like a long distance runner’s stamina and endurance.  The tougher it gets and the longer the distance, the more a well conditioned runner can hang in there and finish the race.

Patient people also tend to be more successful and better able to deal with crisis, based upon several studies. 

So, if patience is such a good and helpful thing, you may ask, why do I always lose my patience and tell good old Uncle Norm I’m going to strangle him every time I see him at Thanksgiving and he calls me that childhood name I’ve always hated, “Little Fat Boy?”

Biology is the answer.  Studies show that we humans, like all other species, will often choose a small quick reward, also known as instant gratification, over a more valuable long term reward, especially when we are in a highly emotionally activated state (anger, fear, sadness, desire, etc.)

Translation, to my primitive emotional lizard brain (limbic system), the sheer short term joy of strangling good old Uncle Norm outweighs the more long term logical consequences ( Mom disowns me, police arrest me, Dad tells me I’m not invited next year, etc.) of that behavior that my more evolved higher brain (cortex) sees as “the rest of the story.”

So, as always, awareness precedes control.  Monitor your emotional states.  The more powerful your emotional state, the more likely you are in a condition known as an “emotional hijack” and what’s going to come out will likely be reactive, uncontained, and possibly out of proportion to the stimulus.

When you are feeling very emotional, BREATHE!  When you feel a little less emotional, BREATHE SOME MORE!!  When you feel calm enough to say something, BREATHE SOME MORE AGAIN!!!

Breathing helps calms us, center us, and gives our more evolved brain time to come on line and respond more thoughtfully to whatever has got our lizard brain howling.

(2)    Check in before you punch out!

When a fighter pilot has to eject from his jet, he pulls a ring under his seat and his seat and body explode out of the aircraft.  It’s known as “punching out.” 

Although I’ve never seen it up close and personal, I’ve seen drivers on the interstate in a fit of “road rage’ and I was pretty sure that their anger had caused them to “punch out” of their own body.  There seemed to be a whole lot of yelling and screaming going on, but precious little thinking. 

If they didn’t have the roof of the car to hold them in, my bet was they would explode upwards into the clouds. It seemed a pretty powerful reaction because someone ahead of them was going “too slow.”

Patience allows us the time to better assess what we are feeling and how it’s related to the present moment and how, maybe, it’s not.  

It’s important to develop the ability to give what you’re feeling a precise name.  Anger, frustration, annoyance, rage, sadness, grief, disappointment, terror, despair, are all different feelings that have varying levels of intensity, and are more or less powerful energies in our bodies. 

The stronger the emotional “state,” the harder it is to “think straight,” and the more likely that emotion will hijack you and you’ll literally punch out of your own body energetically speaking. 

An example of this is a person who is so angry, frightened, or annoyed that what they are saying stops making logical sense. (As in “Everything he/she does, he/she does just to annoy /anger/ frustrate/ hurt/embarrass me!”)

So before you are in “punch out” mode, check in and take a guided tour of your emotions: 

What/who annoys you? 

Why? 

What tends to make you impatient? 

What frightens you? 

What make you feel that you are being treated disrespectfully?

You’ll find behind each feeling there is a story about how you learned to tell if these things were happening, and what you could or couldn’t do about them. 

We tend to think our old story is happening in the “here and now” and sometimes it is, but when it’s not we can tend to end up punishing the wrong people.

So if emotions and feelings are a story we tell ourselves so that we can make sense of our world, isn’t it important to know your own?

(3)    Rehearse before the show goes on if you want a different ending.

Although each of us may be born with the potential to have greater or lesser levels of patience, it is not an inheritable characteristic like eye color or right or left hand dominance. 

Just because you come from a long line of people who had the patience level of the Tasmanian devil on the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, does not mean that you’re out of luck!

Patience, on some level, is a learned skill, mastered over time with PRACTICE!  To master any skill, the formula is always simple and always hard:  repeated practice over time.

It’s important to remember, however, that the best time to learn how to swim is not after the ship has hit the iceberg!  So too, it’s probably a lot to ask of yourself to start being patient when they tell you your flight home to Hartford for the holiday has been canceled due to a storm in Nowhere, Texas, and you’ll be spending Christmas at the airport Hilton!

Identify those situations that make you especially impatient and go through a dress rehearsal in your mind.

When it happens, what are the feelings that come up?  Now BREATHE!  (Didn’t think I’d let you forget that one, did you?)

What do you imagine you could say or do that could give you more options?

What can you say or do to lengthen your fuse and help you to think your way through the problem?

Can you find some way to put what’s happening in a different perspective?

What could you gain or learn from the experience?

If you can’t help yourself, can you be of service to others and help them?

Sometimes, what’s happening isn’t about “us” alone, it’s about “us” being presented with an opportunity to make a difference in someone “else’s” life. 

That ability to solve our own problems to the benefit of others has often been identified as the true sign of “mastery.”  Maybe the opportunity to practice patience is really a chance for you to make a difference in the life of someone who needs it. 

How’s that for a different way to think about lifes’ frustrations?

(4)    Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

The first impulse control we tend to lose when we are impatient is over our mouths.  We often say the first thing that pops in there, and it’s often hurtful and ill conceived.

The problems with words is that they are like stones; they hurt when they hit and once you throw them you can’t take them back, no matter how badly you may feel.  We can never “un-ring” the bell.”

In terms of some of the people who seem to just annoy us, it can help to remember that most of us do seemingly off center things because we’re trying to get some legitimate need met, but we don’t know how to do it more effectively.  So maybe the co-worker who never stops talking desperately needs to know we will pay attention to them, but they never learned how to ask for it directly, or to believe that someone would ever find them worth paying attention too even if they asked.

All of us have private stories and for some of us, these stories are very sad.  Patience is often a kindness that many people have seldom known in their lives

So a good rule of thumb is that before the lizard brain pries open our jaws and we say something we might regret, try to give the higher brain and, most importantly the heart a chance to get in the game.

Especially when you’re feeling impatient, ask yourself 3 questions about what’s about to come out of your lips:  Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?

If the answer to all 3 isn’t an unequivocal “Yes,” then it’s a pretty sure bet you won’t be making a mistake by holding your piece, or finding a different and better way to say it.  A good rule of thumb is also if you can’t improve on silence, nothing need be said.

There’s more than enough sadness and hurt in the world; patience is often how we have the strength not to add to it.

(5)    Impatience can be a sign that a boundary needs to be attended too.

Feelings give us information about our environment.   They are neither good nor bad, they just provide guidance.  So distinguish when the impatience is about you, and when it IS about the person.

Although our response must be proportional, patience isn’t appropriate when someone is being physically, psychologically or emotionally inappropriate.

Boorish behavior needs to be given an name and dealt with, but almost always in a controlled manner.  It is absolutely okay when someone violates, or attempts to violate, your boundaries, to “name” their behavior and tell them to stop.

Strangely enough, however, the more you know in your heart that you are generally patient as a person, the more you’ll trust and see clearly when inappropriate behavior needs to be named and dealt with, if necessary, vigorously.

So, I wish you well and good luck in your practice of patience. 

Oh, and if you see Uncle Norm tell him “Little Fat Boy” says “Hey.”

Be well.

We can ride the positive power of our thoughts like a surfer rides a wave.  When we do that consciously, we can use that power to get to where we want to go.

“Surfing” the waves of our negative thoughts, on the other hand, will usually get us pounded by the surf at best, or completely under the waves at worst.  And negative thoughts often come upon us like a powerful wave does at the beach; before we realize it’s on us! 

We can spend a lot of time thinking about what’s wrong in our life; what we don’t have, can’t find, don’t deserve, and will never know.

And what is the impact of all of our negative thinking?  Sadly, it’s once again simple.  Negative consequences, unhappiness, and feeling defeated by life are the predictable result.

That’s the bad news.  The good news is positive thoughts have exactly the opposite effect. 

Studies indicate that people with positive attitudes live 10 years longer on average than their more negative contemporaries. 

More importantly, an analysis of all the studies done of positive thinking and its impact, involving more than 275,000 people, showed that positive thinking not only reflected success in life but helped produce it as well!

So, to help you ride the surf, here are 5 tips to catching the waves of your thoughts and harnessing your power of positivity.

1.  Know when you’re going negative.

As we say in the martial arts “awareness precedes control.”  To change something you have to first be aware you are doing it.  Monitor your self talk.  Pay attention to what you say, both out loud and in your head, and how you say it.  Harness your power to choose what you focus on and use it to imagine solutions and positive changes you can make.

2.  See it, but don’t judge it.

Observe negative thinking but don’t judge yourself for it.  It’s not about perfectly succeeding or never failing; it’s about knowing what you do and how you do it. 

Develop a neutral, unemotional and nonjudgmental curiosity about your negative thoughts.  Rather than get upset when you realize a negative thought has cropped up, what if your response was “Isn’t that interesting?  I wonder where that came from and why it’s here now.”

Stay in the present.  Observe your thoughts.  Choose how you want to deal with the situation and then do so.

Energy spent in “judging” is not promoting “learning.”

3.  Know “negative” when you see it!

There are certain ways of going negative and we all use one or more of them.  I won’t go into great detail here, but a quick run through the top 10 will suffice:

•  All or nothing negativity:  It’s “always” bad, because it’s “never” good.
• Overgeneralization:  One problem is actually a million just waiting to get me.
• Mental filter:  Why see anything good when there is so much bad to look at?
• Disqualifying the positive:  Good things are just a fluke, the true nature of the universe is bad things happening!
• Jumping to conclusions:  Why wait for the evidence, go negative early and often!
• Catastrophising:  It is and always will be the worst it can possibly be!
• Emotional reasoning:  Why do I need facts or context, I feel a certain way so that is obviously the “TRUTH”!
• “Should” statements:  Things, people, and places should be a certain way, whether that makes sense or not.
• Labeling/Mislabeling:  People and events are labeled as being all one way.
• Personalizing:  It’s entirely your fault, it’s entirely my fault, but no matter what, someone is always totally to blame!

4.  Bring your surf board to the beach!

Negative thinking is a learned behavior.  To replace it with a better habit takes conscious focused practice over time.  Trying to positively think, however, when you’re in the throes of a negative meltdown is like trying to find a board after the big wave hits you. 

In short, good luck!

Try this as a way to prepare for the wave before it hits.  Take a half hour of quiet time during the day and take a sheet of paper and on the left write out one or more of your most frequent negative thoughts.  This can be hard, but be patient and really try to not only think about but feel how that negative belief affects your body.

An example of a negative thought might be, “I’m really stupid and I can’t figure anything out.”

Now write an equally powerful positive response next to it on the right hand side.  Make sure it’s one you truly believe and have an emotional connection to, or at least find plausible.  If you get stuck, sometimes talking to someone you know and can trust can help you come up with a more positive response, especially if the negativity is about some unhelpful thing you say about yourself.

So a positive response to the above negative thought might be, “If I take my time and practice, I can figure a lot of things out.”

Now you have your response.  Keep it with you at all times, and continue to write it down daily if you need it. Repeat it to your self every day.  Shoot for 60 times a day for 21 days.  That could be 5 times of 12, 2 times of 30, 4 times of 15, or whatever works for you.

Most importantly, when the negative thought next hits, replace it with the positive one and then focus on what happens when you do.

Be patient.  Change will take time, but remember that progress is always the result of staying focused on the process of doing anything. 

Studies show that for most of us, if we do something 60 times a day for 21 days we create change in our behavior.

5.   Better Surfing = Practice + Patience

Waves are elemental, powerful, and have a force all there own.  So do negative thoughts.  To master anything, we need to be patient and know that repetitive focused effort always yields result.

Trust the process.  You have the power to ride with life’s challenges and not be buried under them.  It doesn’t matter what’s happened in the past.  All the matters is what you do in the present moment.

Focus on that with all your energy, and you’ll be amazed the size of the waves you can ride.

Good luck.

Be well!

Unfortunately, these “conversations” can be brutal at times.  Much of what we say to ourselves can be negative, fearful, or self-limiting.  Studies show that our performance tends to degrade the more stress, anxiety, or criticism is directed our way.

On the other hand, a number of studies also show that positive thoughts and an optimistic internal dialogue can improve the quality of our lives.  Optimists tend to have better health, be more successful, and have greater resilience in responding to life’s challenges.

So, how can we turn our self talk to our advantage?  Here are 8 steps I’ve found helpful.

(1)   Be the author of your own story.

Much of what we say to ourselves we were taught by others: parents, relatives, and the culture we come from, even the neighborhood we grew up in.  As children we had little choice in this; as adults it’s a whole new ball game. 

Decide for yourself what is true, what makes sense for you and what doesn’t.  Monitor what you say to yourself.  Notice what you’re getting when you do.

Does what you’re saying to yourself make you feel better?  More empowered?  Happier?

Don’t be afraid to ask:  “Did I choose this?’ “Is this true?”  “Does this serve me?”  “Is this the best ‘me’ I can be?”  “Is this what I want to believe about myself, about others, about the world?” 

You are who you choose to be from one moment to the next.  As Peter O’Toole stated in the movie classic “Lawrence of Arabia,” “Nothing is written, UNTIL I WRITE IT!”

(2)   Words have a power all their own.

Words can enslave us or set us free.  Believing you “can’t” often suggests that you’re not capable of doing or changing something in your own life. 

 Nonsense! 

As an adult we either “didn’t” do something or we “won’t” do it.  That means the choice, and the power to do, always reside with us; with our personal agency. 

Always speak of yourself and to yourself as the person calling the shots.  As Henry Ford put it, “If you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right!”

(3)   Give the negative “background noise” a clear voice.

To deal with negativity you have to call it out for what it is.  Sometimes the most limiting, negative, disempowering things we were told, that we repeat to ourselves over and over, were peddled to us as being “helpful.” 

Don’t buy it!  Limiting beliefs are about as helpful as carrying an anvil is while you’re trying to run a 100 yard dash!

If something you say to yourself makes you feel badly about yourself, or less capable, or less lovable, it’s simply not helpful.  To clear it out of your self talk, the first thing is to know it’s there.  The second is to challenge it’s truthfulness.

A simple rule is that if the self talk is prefaced by something like: “I’ll never,” I couldn’t,” “I’m not” or some other limiting introduction, it’s not your friend and you can do without it.

When we talk about limits, we often create them. 

(4)   Beware the language of lack.

We see what we look for, in ourselves and in our world.  If we believe the world lacks what we need, or we lack what we need to succeed in the world, we have taken the first step to a form of self induced paralysis.

You can think, believe, hope and dream whatever you want in any given moment.  With those beliefs, hopes and dreams, you can change your world, and, perhaps, change the world for others. 

That power resides in you.  What if the truth you need to hear from yourself is that everything you will ever need is either already in you or just waiting for you to find it? 

Let what you say to yourself broaden your horizons; not narrow them.

(5)   Words work from the inside out.

It’s not the dictionary meaning of a word that matters; it’s its emotional content.  We make meaning of words from the story of our life.  Words like mistake, failure, loss, stupid, inadequate, all have power only because our life experience was negative around these words.  We fear the words because we fear the feelings associated with them.

Use words with caution, with yourself and with others.  Decide to redefine the emotional meaning of words so they serve you. 

What if a so called “mistake” brings you one step closer to your goal?  What if the only time you “fail” is if you don’t learn from something?  What if the only thing that is “stupid” is a person who would call another person that?  What if the person who decides whether something is “adequate” or not is, and always should be, you?

Know what words create positive feelings and use them a lot.  Find a new meaning for words with a negative emotional connotation and then redefine them.

(6)   The world talks to you the way you talk to yourself.

The way in which we talk to ourselves often sets the bar for how we allow others to speak to us.  If our internal dialogue is harsh, blaming, judgmental, or disempowering, when other people speak to us that way it won’t feel out of the ordinary or inappropriate.

Speak to yourself with dignity and respect.  Require that others speak to you in that way as well!

(7)   Integration is ultimate power.

When what you feel on the inside is what you say to the outside world, we call that “congruence.”  When we’re congruent we feel balanced; we can check in with how we feel inside of us and that helps us be clear on what’s going on outside of us.

Knowing how you feel, and then being able to choose to say it, is when we are most integrated; it’s when we’re most powerful.  Consistency between what you feel and what you are able to say gives life clarity, and clarity is the parent of a well lived life.

(8)   When in doubt, always speak kindly!

If you forget everything else, always remember to speak kindly to yourself.  You are always doing the best that you know how to do.  You’ll learn to do better with time. 

Change always requires us to let go of the past we know so well, in order to create the opportunity for a better future.  Change can often be scary. 

Treat yourself like you would treat someone you love who needed reassurance.   Words  have often harmed in the past; make sure you always try to use them as a road to the best within you, now and in the future.

Be well!

Much as succeeding in life, getting to the top of Mount Everest requires the ability to meet and respond to what can seem insurmountable.  Everest stands 29,028 feet, 5 and ½ miles above sea level and, much as life can be, it’s not “user friendly” for the unprepared.

Here are 7 steps to surmounting all the “Everests” in your life:

(1)  Prepare mentally and physically for your climb.  Life and climbing both require mental and physical stamina and endurance.  Of the two, the mental part is the most important.  Focus on what you want and not what you fear.  You are what you think about constantly.  Positive thoughts, positive focus, and disciplined realistic goal setting lead to more satisfying outcomes.

(2)  Find a good guide.  Don’t reinvent the wheel.  We all need help when things are challenging.  Find someone who has made “the climb” and knows the way there and the way back.  A good guide, in climbing and in life, helps you develop the skills you need so you’ll be able to do it on your own in the future.  Asking for help is not weakness, it’s smart.  The challenges we face in life are like the weather on Everest.  It’s neither for you nor against you.  Mother Nature’s neutrality, however, is unforgiving.  Life’s challenges can be the same way.  They are merciless with those who fail to adapt!

(3)  Plan a way there.  Moving without thinking can be disastrous.  Know your destination, and plan a process to get there.  Proper planning prevents poor performance.

(4)  Plan a back up route.  If Plan A doesn’t go the way you expect, and always assume that it won’t, have a “fall back” plan.  Studies show that our decision making isn’t as effective when we are trying to make decisions under stress.  Don’t try to “wing it” when the clock is ticking.

 (5)  Sometimes to go up you first have to do down. Always keep your focus on the goal you’ve set.  All that matters is that you get there and back safe and sound.  Don’t get hung up on it looking or being a certain way; sometimes you have to retreat, or wait, or side step to get where you want to go.  The only thing that matters is getting there!

(6)  Listen to the mountain. Any challenge forces us to be more flexible and creative in our response; if we didn’t need to adapt and become more skillful to deal with what’s happening then it wouldn’t be really challenging after all.  Pay attention to what your efforts are creating.  Known as “sensory acuity,” this is the skill of noticing what you are getting as a result of your actions.  If something isn’t working after a decent amount of time, adapt, go to Plan B, or consult your guide. Life is like the mountain, it gives you immediate feedback about what’s working and what’s not.  Feedback that something’s not working isn’t failure.  It’s knowledge and applied knowledge is POWER!

(7)  One step at a time!  You reach the top of Mount Everest, and you surmount any of life challenges, by taking it “one step at a time.”  Hard times, like a hard climb, can be tiring and we can try to speed up the process by hurrying but this often just wears us out.  Challenges require us to call upon reserves of stamina and endurance we didn’t realize we had, but each step brings us closer to our goal.

The journey always makes us stronger in the end!

Good luck climbing.  You’ll be stronger and better for having taken the journey!

It feels unpredictable . . . aimless . . . infuriating. . .

Life can often feel the same way sometimes.  We think we’re doing okay.  We think we’re successful.  We think we can focus on this path and we’ll just be happy and “BAM,” something or somebody makes us doubt what we think we know, and maybe even who we think we are and can be.

What’s going on?  How did this happen?  How do we fix it?

When the “channel” in our life seems to be changing constantly, and we can’t put things in focus, sometimes what we’re struggling with is what is known as a sense of “congruence.” 

In other words, what we’re feeling and looking at on the outside isn’t in sync with who we believe we are and should be on the inside.  It’s as if something outside of us has control of our own personal internal remote, our sense of our self and who we are, and keeps shifting it without our say so.

Ask these 2 questions if the channels start spinning.

Who picked these channels?  Where do/did your ideas of what success, happiness, and fulfillment look like come from?  Are they ones you designed for yourself consciously, or were they given to you by family, society, friends, or the culture you cone from?

Are these the channels you truly want?  Even if they worked perfectly in the past, do they still fit who you are now, or do you need to set your own remote for a channel that suits you better?

We can often bind ourselves very strongly to other peoples beliefs or whims, sometimes without knowing it’s happening.

Even if it feels like someone handed you a compass and told you the needle always points North, the first rule of designing your life is the only way to find out something for sure is to check it out for yourself!!!!!!!

So when you feel uncertain about things in life, ask yourself if you have control over your remote or if somebody else is dialing up the channels.

If you need help reprogramming your remote to channels you choose for yourself, give me a call.  I’ve spent a lot of time reprogramming my own remote.  I can help you get control of yours.

Photocredit: espensorvik via Flickr

In the world most of us grew up in courage, like other virtues, was a quality we were either born with or not.  We were lucky or not so lucky, but either way we couldn’t change who we were.

The truth is that courage is a skill like any other skill.  It is a conditioned response to an environmental stimulus:  perceived danger.  It is our nervous system being able to tolerate the stress and fear we feel, and still allow us to perceive what is happening accurately, and respond appropriately.

So how do we learn the skill of courage?  The first step is to realize that fear is a constant and natural response to changing conditions in the environment.  Our nervous systems are “wired” to perceive change as threatening.  It’s how our species survived.  Fear is  immediate feedback about danger: either the danger that is actually present, or the danger that was present in the past.

The second step is to become acquainted with what we fear and why.  All of our fears have a story.  We must know these stories to gauge how they are impacting our behavior in ways that don’t serve us.  As we say in the martial arts, “Awareness must precede control.”

Thirdly, we have to learn to breathe and become acquainted with how we experience the feeling of fear in our body without needing or trying to change it.  It’s not a problem.  It’s there for a reason.  Normalizing fear and understanding its’ appearance allows it to become an ally that serves you, not an enemy bent on defeating you.

Every warrior culture understood the essential truth of courage: that without fear, there can be no courage.  So to learn courage, make friends with fear.  

Photo credit:  indi.ca via Flickr