Calamity Jane by Day

A New Calamity

2010-04-22T10:44:00.000-04:00

This just in...... The new James Bond movie has been shelved because of one good reason, No Cash. If that isn't a calamity. I won't be able to watch Mr. Craig in his form fitting tuxedo dropping out of the sky from a flaming helicopter for a long time.

Okay, its time this whole Economic Crisis is over. I'm tired of it. I'm hating on the Wall Street Gang (sounds like some cattle hustling, bar slinging, stinky horse cowboy Calamity Jane Insane would be in a shootup with.) I'm to the nth degree on all the sad stories and I'm done with being patient with it.

If we can't blame Obama who can we blame?

Yeah, Thanks......

Time Flies for Calamity

2010-04-10T16:04:00.000-04:00

I was talking with my dear daughter the other day and she was remarking that the weather seemed to her like "earthquake weather" and seeing how she lives in sunny southern California we discussed the inevitable event should it happen. After getting off the phone she texted me about 2 hours later to say they INDEED had said earthquake! That was the Mexico quake that she felt strongly in Redondo Beach. Guess we won't be quibbling about EQ's again. I guess I better not talk Hurricanes now that I'm here in Florida. God just makes life one big humor story that's the tragedy of it so you gotta be careful of what you say on the phone.

Like the day I hand washed my car. What a lovely day it was. Clear blue sky, warm weather, happy as a little clam playing in the water. So God tossed in a rainstorm the very next day. Gee thanks God, you're so funny and cute.

Keeping with the theme, I was looking in my fridge for those fine zucchini to cook for the dinner I was preparing and when I reached in the bag my fingers went right though one. You'd of thought my grandmother already cooked them since she would boil them till they turned useless, tasteless, and soft enough to feed grandpa without his teeth. There was one rotten one in the bunch and of course it made the others feel ill and sticky. I had to toss the lot of them. I forget what the heck I served as a vegetable that night. Maybe I didn't even bother. I was so mad at the lost zucchini souls I had to chuck. Its not like zucchini grows on trees around here.

And finally there were the frozen chicken breasts I was wanting to thaw one night. I wanted to give them a little starter by leaving them out in the plastic container then put them in the fridge when I went to bed. Of course, I forgot. In the morning I had a nice batch of potential salmonella brewing. Bacteria does not die if you bake, boil, fry or otherwise cook. It stays there waiting to make you spill your guts after you've eaten it. I could have loaded a gun with chicken parts and it would have been just as deadly. Damn. Had to throw those out too.

Had I been in a strange mood I could have cooked the chicken and served it with the zucchini then mail it to Jesse James. You just have to have a optimistic view of things to make it work. I don't think Sandra Bullock would mind if I sent her husband a free dinner.

Bad Names for Cars

2010-03-12T12:41:00.001-05:00

My dad had his own car lot way back in the day. He always had different cars to drive around, almost a car for each day in the week. Some were wrecks and some weren’t. I remember this nice 1970 Chevy Caprice he brought home. It was white with a black textured roof and really nice condition. He let me drive it one day and when I had to park it in the garage I dinged the side on the fence. I wrecked it. The fence too. I didn’t get to drive the nice cars anymore. I don’t recall him getting mad about it though. He was pretty cool really.

So one day he brings home this little 1962 red Mercury Comet. I hated it. It was so ugly. And it was mine to drive. My friends didn’t really want to be seen in it but would break down and get in if they couldn’t get another ride home. We developed our own name for it, we dubbed it The Vomit. I’d pack all my buddies in the car and head to this one street where we knew there was this big dip. We’d get to the street and I would stop the car, make sure we were all set and then I’d floor it. By the time we got to the dip we were moving pretty fast. We’d hit that dip and BOOM we’d hit the other side. It was so much fun! It was like taking a bunch of friends off a ski lift. The girls would all brace themselves by holding onto the roof so they wouldn’t bounce up and hit their heads. It was so funny. We’d laugh and laugh. I think I was trying to wreck the Vomit so I didn’t have to drive it but the damn thing kept together no matter what I did to it.

So I was sitting around thinking about the Vomit and how it should have been named The Vomit then I got to thinking about all the dumb names for cars over the years. Who names cars (and streets for that matter?) Who was the guy who designed the rough and ready Ford Bronco and what was he thinking? Ford Bronco? Oh yeah, that’s how I want my truck to ride. A Bronco.

I’d like my truck to ride smooth and solid-heavy, like a truck. So why don’t they make one called the Ford Clydesdale? That name would have me knowing that truck could do anything. If you didn’t want the big truck version we could have an option of buying the smaller little pickup called The Shetland. Those sound like real names. Then again, maybe the Mustang is a jealous nag and doesn’t want the competition. These are the thoughts rolling through my brain.

A few of you baby boomers remember the Dodge Swinger from back in the 70’s. That was a stupid name. It sounds like some hot ad on the back of a girlie magazine. I never saw one ‘swinger’ driving a Swinger. They were all driving cool muscle cars not something that sounded like a cheesy pick up person wearing a polyester leisure suit.

Then there was that horrible Pacer car. Someone had their design head up their design butt on that one. What kind of name is the Pacer? It could have been called the Pace Maker since it was ugly enough to stop a heart. I remember going to the racetrack with my dad and we’d bet on horses that were pulling buggies and they were called pacers. They were a lot better looking and had more horsepower than that idiotic Pacer. I had a real aversion to the lime green ones.

But the winner would have to be the AMC Gremlin. Yep. It could have been called the WTF? Gremlin! Who wants to buy a car that is named after small recurrent problems that are hard to fix?

I had another car that was a doozy. It was a yellow 1981 Mercedes 300D (diesel). Because it was a diesel it was slow on the get-go but once it got rolling it was good and reliable. I had it for about 13 years or so. How’s that for reliable. I have clear mental images of my daughter growing up in that car. When she was 2-3 years old she would stand up (this was before child seats were enforced) and I’d seat belt her in place and drive. Then when she was 4-5 she would kneel and I’d strap her in place. From then on she could see over the dash so she sat normally. Then when she was 17 and had her license… She always flatly REFUSED to drive the “Banana Boat” as she and her friends would call it. I told her that I suspected one day she would ask me for the keys but she steadfastly held her ground and vehemently denied that she would.

Naturally, the day came when she sheepishly came to me to request the keys to the car (all of a sudden it was called a car and not the Banana Boat). I laughed, she hung her head and I walked outside with her so I could see with my own two eyes, my daughter driving off in the stinking yellow Mercedes, aka Banana Boat. She would not allow me to bring the camera.

She drove off and I stood there laughing. Orange-ja glad I don’t have the Banana Boat any longer dearest daughter? Below is a picture by Terri Border of Bent Objects that seems to fit my daughter’s dislike for the car. HA

Oh yeah, who names street signs?? I wouldn’t want to live here although I did live on a street once called Shell Street. Some drunk climbed up the pole one night and forever changed the name to Hell Street. Yep, that’s where I lived.

10 Reasons Why You Should Become More Positive

2010-03-09T10:31:00.002-05:00

1. You will create a better world around you. How about spraying everyone Blue? Go get some spray paint and get on meds and we’ll talk. Oh yeah, and buy yourself a Happy Meal too. Cheer the hell up.

2. You will make better first impressions. Duh. Even though it may not last it’s nice to see someone who can shower and wear clean clothes! Look at Obama, he made a nice first impression. No one says it could last. There is no greater put off than talking to someone about health care.

3. You will focus on the good things in people. This sounds like some kind of hypnosis mantra. You don’t say “man is that fellow fat! Rather say, he’s a connoisseur of good food” and lots of it, tons of it even. See, this isn’t hard. I can see past ugly, I can see past fat, I can see past stupid. Your eyes are getting droopy, you are sleepier and sleepier.....

4. It´s easier to become more productive when you stop laying obstacles in the middle of the road in the form of negative thoughts. And here I thought that was roadkill. Now its called a negative thought. Next time I can tell everyone “Look, the buzzards are hovering over some negative thoughts! Let’s roll over them with the car!” That’ll positively make me some friends with PETA.

5. Work becomes more fun. Everything becomes more fun. You’re not serious with this shit are you? Everything becomes more fun?? Root canals, foot injections and migraines are now more fun? You're wacked.
6. You become more attractive. Tell that to Kirsty Alley. I don’t think she’s more attractive (see #3 above) just because she’s positive she’s fat and unemployable in Hollywood. This is serious stuff. You shouldn’t make fun of fat people. (there’s too many of them now-a-days) .

7. Being negative has very little concrete advantages Unless you work for the mob in New Jersey. Then concrete comes in real handy and you are perceived as a guy with initiative even though you are being negative per se.

8. It opens up your mind Oh yeah, that’s what I want. A frontal lobotomy. With all the thorazine I’ll definitely be able to focus on other ways of looking at things. Nothing like in a drug induced fog to change your perspective about driving over roadkill to hear the crunch and wet concrete.

9. It puts the Law of Attraction to better use. I don’t need more attraction in my life right now. Its bad enough the Law is attracted to my credit woes and the student loans are dropping the Law Suit of Attraction on me. Make me invisible is what I’m looking for! No, I don’t need no stinkin’ magnets. Magnets are those icky things crawling on road kill

10. You´ll waste less time. Yep. I do waste time. I waste time thinking of reasons why I waste it. Thinking of 10 reasons positively wasted some real time. How about reading 10 reasons? You just wasted some serious time too. Get back to work you sluggard!!

Calamity Tries a New Task

2010-03-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

Looking for a job is a job in itself. I've been spending the past 7 months doing just that to no avail. I do a lot of temporary work which has been a life saver since there is so much down time to this occupation that one could go batty finding things to keep oneself busy and occupied waiting for the phone or emails to ring.

I thought I would take on a new busy task of beading something. Roommate Glo has asked me to make her a lanyard for her housekeys. Not like she's going to wear it or anything which took off a lot of pressure to make something that actually looks good. I've never beaded before. Anything. So this was a new and exciting thing to help get me through some long hours.

I've finished the task today. Almost. I need to learn how to 'close' it, tie it up or whatever. I think I'm surprised that it turned out so well. I actually like it. It didn't end up looking like I made it at the Special Olympics for Beading. [OMG! Is Calamity Jane being so heartless and insensitive again??] Get over it. I'm so over Political Correctness. I'm tired of all this 'correctness' making us reword everything into blandness. I write, therefore I say stuff that I WANT TO SAY.

How purging. I feel better already. Still unemployed though.

Here's the Lanyard. It's made with glass beads so it probably won't last. Just as long as I have photos I don't much care. Ha.

CJ is almost getting normal which is very scary. Crazy is such a comfort place for me usually. My Borderline Personality is getting hungry for more craze. I will have to wait a bit to try something else. Money used to grow on trees but not in Florida. This project only cost me $14. Neat.

Hello

2010-02-26T11:46:00.000-05:00

Guess where I've been? I'm not telling, but I may stay now and keep up with the blog. Okay, you win, I'll tell. I've been on a Calamity Holiday. February is such a short month and just not enough time to enjoy a calamity that I wanted to see if I could squeeze one in. I recovered and now I'm back to bidness.

I've been thinking of many ways to renew and rejuv my blog, but I probably won't. Ha! Glo and I did work on a puzzle when I was cocooning but the darn Cat kept helping so it took longer than necessary. See what I mean?

But Glo and I managed to finish it. What a perfect winter night activity. I haven't done a puzzel in YEARS. NiNi was just bugged since we weren't paying her attention. She was thinking of all the petting she was missing out on. Spoiled Brat!

I know its odd to complain of the cold

when living in Florida but it has been Record Breaking Cold here and I'm loving it! I get to make nice comfort foods like Pot Roast and Soups and Lima Beans with ham hocks. I have a few more recipes to do so I hope the cold will stay for a while. But I am losing my tan from November so I do need warmth to renew it all over again. I can't wait to be able to lounge by the pool. In the meantime, I'm loving this.

Here's the finished product.

That one was a 300 piece. Next on the burner is a 500 piece. Gotta start slow or I'll run into another calamity and be gone for another month.

Best Things to Love

2010-02-05T11:20:00.000-05:00

I got to thinking about something new to add to this damn blog which is riding my back like a sucker-fish on the back of a whale. Every day that I DON'T add to the blog I have some nagging crapola going on in my head telling me I'm a quitter and stuff. I'm not a quitter but sometimes I need to get all the blue marbles together and all the green marbles in another section before I can think of something to blog.

After saying all that, now when I tell you what my new blog category is I bet you'll be out Whaling and let Greenpeace be dammed while you're pulling off sucker-fish. Maybe that's too aggressive for February...

The Best Things to Like About JANUARY:

I survived the flu
I survived 2009
I survived January
I've got 12 whole months to come up with a survival plan

The Best Things to Like About FEBRUARY:

Its short
I love the Super Bowl commercials
Red is such a pretty color, ie. Valentines Day (I've been in the red for the past few years. I know Red)
Lots of good appetizer recipes come out for Super Bowl.

There you go.

I could have added some Bad things to not like about the months but that's just so 2009. What's not to like about January and February? I'm digging a hole here. Gotta go. Enjoy your month!

Calamity's Dim Bulb Award

2010-01-26T10:39:00.001-05:00

Lately, if I didn't know better I'd have thought I answered these questions. There are days when one is just not sync'd up with what life is trying to teach us which in turn brings out the sarcasma dwelling inside. (at least for Calamity Jane)

These two answers to actual test questions are examples of the impulsive behavior I feel at inappropriate moments that end up costing me one way or the other. I could have probably created my own book of such pithy examples. We've all been there (or is it just me?...)

Killer Job Offer Reject #1

2010-01-18T11:37:00.000-05:00

After months and months of sending out my resume to endless lists of people, companies and places I'd never heard of (or heard from) I got to thinking of a job that I wouldn't submit my resume to no matter the dire calamities I face. Sometimes the only way to know what you DO want, is to know best what you DON'T want. So here is an online ad description I thought of while staring at the carpet for hours on end.

Assistant Grim Reaper : We currently have an opening for a few good "escorts to the afterlife party". Looking for those with a killer personality. Someone who can do whatever it takes to get the job done, with or without soul. Black hooded uniform (one size fits all) and scythe provided (guaranteed not made in China so no chance of toxic chemical transfers). No previous customer service skills needed and having no sense of humor is a plus. Looking for hardworking individuals who know how to reap what they sow. Brief social encounters necessary and all leads provided. Benefits include free hot meals in our world famous Hell's Kitchen, medical and dental, 401K and use of the company hearse.

A Beautiful Day

2010-01-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

And I'm not just saying that to compliment myself but I always say if the horseshoe fits...

I downloaded my camera and realized that I forgot to post the beautiful amazing sunrise on New Year's Eve day. I was so "shock" to see a sunrise that rivaled a sunset. Pretty cool.

It all happend within the space of 10 minutes.

The colors were so perfect. It reminded me of
a sunset I saw while going down the Nile River in Egypt. It filled the whole sky. Just like this one.

I was thinking that it was a fitting end to a miserable year for everyone. Hopefully 2010 will be without as many Calamities as 2009.

I think it was appropriate that I took these shots from my bathroom window. 2009 was a bunch of crap! Awe, did I ruin the moment? Blame the politicians. They've jaded me.

Calamity’s Secret Clubhouse Meeting Notes #548

2010-01-07T14:59:00.003-05:00

Thought you might want to see this initial report on the Christmas Day bomber. Please don't distribute. Its for your eyes only....

Mr. President of the USA
Secret Hideout
Kommon I Wanna Lei Ya, Hawaii

Dear Mr. Prez Sir:

As requested, here is our report on the Christmas Day near blowup by theUnderpants Bomber, aka Mr. UFA. aka United Flaming Arab-type. (just an office joke Sir)

On the day in question, the department was holding its annual ~~Christmas~~ Holiday party in the lunchroom . Outside our windows another ~~freekin~~ beautiful snowstorm was coming down while we opened Secret Santa presents. One of the guys got a tricked out model of a plane called Air Force Tiger One complete with wheels that really rolled, a tiny set of golf clubs and a miniature stewardess dressed in a little Santa’s Helper outfit. We had some great comments on that one.

Anyhoot, the War Room (the one next to the lunchroom) had lots of connect-the-dots drawings on the walls from the day before where we were practicing ‘situations’ based on valid information from the goons at the CIA. We got tired of doing that after about 6 hours but we judged Bob McKlowski’s drawing to be pretty darn near a real possibility so we all chipped in some pocket change to make him feel warm and fuzzy during the holidays.

Afterwards, we looked at endless photos of men wearing burkas, towels on their heads, and veils. It was hysterical. We all took turns on the Spin the Tale of the New Donkey. You won. You weren’t here so we got to spin again.

Later that night we got a call from Detroit about this guy with Hot Pants on his way into town. We figured it was some of your Illinois buddies gaffin’ around so we waited until Cheney called us a bunch of twots and said it was real. We nipped his ‘tude in the bud and told him if he was so sure Mr. Hot Pants was a threat that he ought to take the guy hunting with him since he was a hellava shot. He hung up. What a baby.

Well whaddya know?! Asswipe Cheney was right on target. (hee.) There really was a Situation based on our connect-the-dots games. We were floored to say the least. When we found out the guy burned himself trying to ignite, well things got funny. Again. Jack Harmon said the guy couldn’t find a date on Match.com. (couldn’t get fired up! LOL)Then Phil Williams did an impression of UFA lighting his pants on fire. What a dolt. He just has 1st degree burns. It would have been less but none of the guys could bring themselves to put out the flames in his crotch and all the beer was gone.

Bottom line Sir? We blew it. (no pun intended) Hey, we’re human-like. We flubbed up. We promise it won’t happen again. Really. The country is safe, we’re paying attention, dotting the I’s and crossing the t’s. You and the missus and kidlets can sleep safe at night and everyone else. Not one man in this department is dropping the ball anymore.

We’ll make sure that no more terrorist’s get the Terrorist Employee of the Month Award like Mr. UFA did. Oh wait, you didn’t know he got the award from al-Qaida’s kingpin? Yeah, we have a photo of it hanging up on his cave wall back in Yemen. Awe geez, do we have to do another report?

Your Ever Diligent Staff

How I Love a Well Dressed Man

2010-01-04T17:03:00.000-05:00

I was listening to one of my favorite groups, ZZ Top the other day and their song Sharp Dressed Man, and it got me thinking how close to the truth it was.

No one dresses anymore like they used to. I hope the next X0 years bring about better use of fashion than the last X0 years because I’m beginning to miss admiring a well dressed man.

I’m talking French cuffs, starchy shirt collars, pocket scarfs, Italian leather shoes and well fitting suits, subtle cologne, men who aren’t afraid to wear pink shirts or designer ties, even suspenders sometimes. I miss a man who owns a tuxedo for winter and summer which still fits and is used often.

I loved and was loved by a man like this once. He was a tall blond Norwegian who had style and panache most men can’t even imagine and even refuse to anymore. He never owned a pair of thongs (flip-flops), never picked his teeth in public, he let other men fix his car engine, he didn’t watch TV shows or sports unless he participated.

He played golf and taught me how. He took me to Austria to see the ski jump he skied down after college; he proposed to me in Rome over candlelight; he took me on a carriage ride in Central Park, NY one November and he brought Dom Perignon champagne and two glasses. It was cold but we were cuddled under a blanket toasting at twilight while the driver gently nudged his horse through the park. Well dressed men don’t hesitate to be romantic.

On a trip to Europe we stopped in Garmish-Partenkeirchen to ski the Zugspitz. I lasted 4 times up on the cog railway inside the mountain tunnel steaming hot and 4 times down with frozen hair and limbs before I cried ‘you win’. We found out later that night it was one of the coldest days on record but he still liked winning and I was happy anyway.

He spoke with an accent I can still recall with longing, he had Carribean blue eyes I still see in my dreams and always seemed to be tanned. He was built like a fine snow leopard, muscular, firm, trim and graceful. He looked amazing in anything he wore and had the most beautiful hands I’ve seen on a man.

He made me laugh and when he wasn’t there it made me cry. He made me realize I had a heart with love inside. Every woman in my family loved him, as any woman would for obvious reasons but also because he was not afraid to show everyone how much he loved me.

He let me drive 110 miles an hour from LA to San Diego once without too much complaining. He looked the other way when he got me drunk one winter on Aquavit outside a Swedish restaurant and I spilled my guts in the parking lot. He didn’t laugh when I met him one August in Fort Lauderdale for a visit and he saw that I brought a flannel plaid jacket. He forgave me for flattening all four of his tires one day after he forgot about a date we made. He wasn’t at all interested in my beautiful blond best friend who was Swedish. He thought my Aunt’s were crazy and wonderful and he was right.

He took me to Provo, Utah and taught me to use cross country ski’s, after that we rented a snow-mobile where we zipped through the fields recklessly fast. Too fast to see the upcoming culvert in time to stop before we sailed over it like we were on a flying carpet. When we landed on the other side I promptly fell off. I’d never been more shaken or alive.

I was young and didn’t think to let my past ruin my present. The baggage wasn’t there at the station to limit my ride or overburden me with doubts. I fell wholeheartedly in love and it was triumphant!

We weren’t like blood in the veins we were the CELLS, living, alive and vibrant together.

All because he was a well dressed man.

9 Reasons You Should Be Dumbfounded

2009-12-29T16:11:00.000-05:00

I need to call Congress and ask them why they raised the debt ceiling to 12.4 Trillion dollars the other day. What were they thinking? 12.4 Trillion will never get the U.S.A. out of debt before the whole world goes on the new Unified Monetary System they're already talking about. Never! Why you ask?

Okay class, let's review this for the trillionth time..

1. You could give everyone on earth [EVERYONE] One Trillion socks to wear every day for 300 years.
2. If you were to spend 1 Million dollars every day since Jesus was born until today you still wouldn't have reached One Trillion.
3. If you started a business when Jesus was born with a One Trillion dollar investment and you lost 1 Million every day of the year since then, you would still be in business 730 years from now.
4. One Trillion dollars can fund the military of every NATO country combined.
5. One Trillion dollars can pay the rent of every renter in the US for 3 years or the mortagages of every home owner for 14 months. (New York included)
6. One Trillion can repurchase all homes that foreclosed in 2007 and 2008!
7. The 15 Trillion dollar debt that will still be there in 2011 equals to a 1,000 mile high pile of $1,000 bills (if they made them)
8. Unfortunately, One Trillion is enough to pay for only 1/10th of the spending for the current bailout.
9. Sadly still, One Trillion is only enough to run the federal government for 103 days! (3.5 months!!)

There is something fishy going on in Washington DC. I think all the Big Wigs are making plans to escape this mess and leave us holding the fuming bag of sulfur products. Yes, it does sound a bit like the movie 2012 but the catastrophe is greedy brains and not Mother Nature. (she shows up later to scare us)

Pepto Abysmal please...

Have You Seen This Man?

2009-12-26T17:33:00.000-05:00

In the "Some days its just not worth chewing through the leather straps" category, I couldn't help but wonder what was going through the camerman's head when he was filming this news anchor. It could have been a funny gaffe till his wife was watching the news, and his mom, dad, friends..... you get the picture. In what amounts to a weird day on the job there's nothing like everyone recognizing you on the streets.

I did have a good laugh over it and I hope you do too. You'll need all the laughs you can get once the credit card statements start rolling in now that Christmas is over. I'll be busy working to find some for you.

A Homer Simpson Christmas

2009-12-24T14:16:00.000-05:00

Dough!! I posted my holiday greeting and when I went to see how it posted I realized that it was posted to
http://www.thekitchenbitch.blogspot.com/ So I guess if you want a nice beautiful holiday post to read you can go there. Otherwise, enjoy your fruitcake!

Calamity's Secret Clubhouse

2009-12-22T15:50:00.000-05:00

I was surfing the net today looking for inspirational ideas to create some new blogs posts because I realized that my blog was really lame. I rated it a 10,000 on the Calamity Index so I must reinvent it somehow to maintain my standards which are probably lower than Tiger Woods current website.

I’m flyin’ blind here so you may have to develop a sense of ~~patience and understanding~~, ~~compassion~~, and a profound interest in the absurd. With that caveat inked, I would like to begin…

First, I’m ditching that stupid Factoid thing at the end of my posts and the truly banal Quote of the Day. If I have to start by shaving off lame that’s the baby that is thrown out with the bath water STAT.

I’d like to add more photos but most of the ones I’ve ever used before were stolen I guess so I can’t do that anymore otherwise some big corporation would sue me for all the money I have… Oh my, I need to stop here and take a muscle relaxer as I’m buckled over from laughter and getting all cramped up…

Now that was a funny line but you’re not laughing and I'm a co-dependent People Pleaser so Onward I Push.

I’ll begin by telling you a Classified Secret from Calamity’s Secret Clubhouse Think Tank. Naturally, you will have only a rudimentary idea of some of the topics discussed but that’s how secrets work. What is disseminated to the general population is for “their eyes only” and not the “Insiders” who really know what’s going on. Kinda like the news you read every day and the politics you hear about, just fluff. The economy isn’t but that’s another known Secret.

Secret #1 Under the “Did You Know” File

Osama bin Laden did declare Jihad but only on the West Coast of America where he had Tupac killed. To retaliate America tired killing the infamous and notorious Saddam Hussein but the message got decoded wrong and they ended up killing the Notorious BIG (Biggy Small)

Then Biggy’s crew got mad after being sad and sent word out to excommunicate Barry Manilow, terminate the Governor, and eliminate the tree huggers. Like I said, they were mad, so they went on a Saturday Night Fright Night with AK47's and some 40’s. The gangs picked lots of fights all across America killing off America’s BFF (not Mexico) – the American Indians.

When most of all the Indians were hit, the few that were left opened some casinos and liquor stores the size of Reservations and that’s when the Indians got their Super Powers, meaning: They didn’t have to pay taxes. The End.

The Great 'Merican Novel

2009-12-20T23:22:00.000-05:00

This one's for Geoff. You know who you are. No one else does.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately which doesn't allow much time for writing on my blog. I've been toying with the idea of trying to write that great american novel. I'm thinking that the world will be getting a whole avalanche of new and interesting novels since so many millions of people are out of work with time on their hands.

Which leads me back to reading someone else's work. Why you ask? Because I need to find kernels, tidbits and ideas to put in my book. Plagerism is only borrowing a word here and embellishing on an idea there. Seriously. Its how everything has been written At least in law offices.

I'm getting a good start but I'm not sure who my main character will be or what City/County/Nation the place will be located in, or even what year/century it will be based in. See, its a good start! I'm excited.

I think the idea is the journey and not the end result here that is important. That's kinda like saying; "its not the winning that matters"; or another favorite; Money is not everything; finishing with: "the check is in the mail". Anyway, I digress...

Even if I never get published I'd be in good company. I can think of many good books that were never published. Even the great Dr. Seuss suffered a few casualites. Consider the following Dr. Seuss books that were rejected:

1. The Little Red Fox in the Blender
2. Horton Hires a Ho
3. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch
4. Who Shat in my Hat?
5. Herbert the Pervert likes Sherbert

Here are a few non-published works by unknowns such as:

1. My Pocket Rocket needs a Socket
2. Bi-Curious George
3. Strangers Have the Best Candy
4. Goldilocks and Her Three Tries in Rehab

Remember those Little Golden Books? Here's a few that never made the shelfs:

1. The Little Boy who Died from Eating All his Vegetables
2. You are Different, and that's Bad
3. Places where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Nightmares are Real, Nighty Night!
5. The Man in the Moon is actually 'Chuckie'
6. Curious George and the Abandoned Refrigerator

I'd even go so far as to recall a couple of Country Western songs that never made the charts:

1. Mama's so Fat it takes Two Dogs to Bark at her
2. She calls 'em Hooters, I call 'em Saggers
3. My gal's got a shape like homemade soap
4. Mama get a Hammer there's a Fly on the Baby's Head

Well. That's the best I can do for now. Gotta get back to developing my Great American Novel. You gonna wish me luck or what.

The Blog Breathes

2009-12-14T16:07:00.001-05:00

I have been asking myself lately "why did I start another blog?", why did I think I'd have enough salt inside me to keep writing and coming up with interesting or entertaining things? Doesn't it take an interesting person with an interesting life to write a semi interesting blog?

I should have named this blog One Blog Day. Just a day, only one blog, then I would have been free to go about my existance not wondering how I can come up with some more details of yet another thought that I think I need to share with no one. Heck, I put the cat to sleep! I talk to her, she nods off and then she's gone to more interesting place. Here's a picture of her after such a conversation. Doesn't she look totally captivated in what I'm saying and doing?

I should have kept the black widow spider I found in my garage for a pet. She responded every time I opened the garage or brushed past her web. She was fast too! That's what I like, a big mama who can move fast. She wasn't a man chaser and didn't appear to like exercising either. But like all things, you tend to miss them in their absence...

Jane's Humor Hits a Snag

2009-12-13T14:19:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to propell myself into a funny place anymore, which to me, is a calamity. I'm much more serious these days, or so it seems. I must have tripped and fell in the night and banged by head or something. Maybe I was robbed in my dreams of my humor ticket. Somehow I worry more about having lost it than how I lost it. Like what came first, the chicken or the egg. Should I think more about what I lost or wonder how I lost it? If I can remember how maybe I can get it back. What a connundrum. Now I wonder if that word is even spelt right or even if I care. Not funny. Not at all.

I find that I spend time thinking about what's in the news, politics (aka idiots circus), and the economy (what's left of it). I try not to blog about those things since it is all so difficult to make sense of and writing about it is about as much fun as straightening out a bowl of spaghetti. In my view, the media hounds are the new prostitutes selling sensation, propaganda and sometimes even getting caught in out right un-truths. The politicians are a rung lower. They slime around spewing empty promises while secretly lining their pockets with untold tax payer dollars. They bafoon themselves out to be pure snow then later are caught with mistresses, call-girls, and picking up young men in bathrooms. The economy is only for those who are within reach of it - meaning Wall Street, Washington insiders and the good ol' boys network. Unless you've seen some of the BILLIONS yourself. Please let me know if you've benefited yet from all the money we keep hearing is out there. I just find dustballs and come home with chewing gum stuck to the bottom of my shoes.

So what am I to do. Make New Years Resolutions? Send out Christmas cards? Have a martini? There must be something funny about how Tiger Woods was secretly building his own female baseball team before he got caught hitting his balls out of the park. There must be humor tucked away in a secret compartment somewhere when I see photos of Ex-Gov. Blagoavich's hair with a mouth under it saying he is as clean as a rectal thermometer. I just know I'll roll on the floor in delight when I find out the Wall Street big wigs and the Banking Execs have been found to have real blood in their veins and an actual heart with which to make sure the little people get some benefit from all the money they were given.

I have this saying by Carl Sandberg that always hangs in my kitchen no matter where I end up. It says: Life is like an onion, you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

I have my own saying too: Don't read Carl Sandberg if it depresses you.
I think its time for that martini now.

Calamity in the News

2009-11-27T16:02:00.000-05:00

I read the news a lot, mostly for the entertainment of it all, the corruption of politicians, the party crashers at the White House and so on. I find it to be sometimes overwhelming when I read of the excesses of government agencies or large corporations who abuse the positions they hold to further their gains. Then there is just the sheer lunacy of some City offals ~~officials that carries the news to new lows.~~

For instance, a group called Medical Billing Advocates of America that helps patients to review their hospital bills reveals that hospitals are overcharging patients by obscene amounts, sort of like those manufacturing companies did a while back charging $1,043 for a hammer or some such thing while greedily lining their pockets with taxpayer’s hard got dollars and sitting on their cozy government contracts to rip off and funnel money back to keep getting said contracts.

The thing I liked about this article was the names hospitals gave to hide the truth of what they were really charging for. So clever, so imaginative. I would love to have this person’s job. I could go into work every day, get my cup o’joe (on the house), browse the internet news, facebook and favorite websites, check my emails then try to come up with catchy names for standard everyday items to make them sound more important and worth charging an outrageous sum to dispense to patients who were not even going to see their bill until they left the hospital.

Example: They found that they were being charged $12 for a “mucus recovery system”; essentially a box of beside Kleenex tissues. You know that box? Its slightly bigger than a credit card holder and contains palm sized piece squares of tissue (?) that compromise the effectiveness of not blowing your nose on your chest and gives you splinters from the cheap wood pulp fibers. A normal box of tissues purchased at would cost no more than $2 and the tissues would easily cover your nose, catch your “mucus” and not give you rug burns on the sides of the nostrils.

Then there was the “fog eliminator device”. Basically a piece of gauze to wipe down surgical equipment for which they hungrily charged $57!! Unbelievable no? No. Not even surprising anymore really.

Same price for the “cough support device” aka Teddy Bear for kids who are sick. I never got a cough control device when I was at the hospital. I wonder what they would call an enema? My imagination does cartwheels here. What would YOU think they could call it?

How about those stupid socks with the rubber bits on the bottom? Or the bed-pan? Is your imagination jumping through hoops now too? Its giving me a headache. I’ll have to ask for a couple of brain swelling inflammation pills.

Original Lactaid Containers

2009-11-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

Without saying the word breast I don’t know how else to describe them so I’ll just allude to them as the Original Milk containers.

Recently, I finally got a Smash-o-gram on the twins. I seem to be doing things contrary to how the Government says I should do things. I waited 5 years THEN got my mammogram. Five years ago the Government was suggesting that I get one every year but I said NO! I hate it when they tell me when I should and shouldn’t do stuff. So now The Federal Taskforce (Kevorkian must be a member, I doubt if any women are on it) are suggesting [mandating] that I wait five years then get one. I couldn’t run out fast enough to get it done.

This is the same Task Force that changed their minds and said that tests for pap smears and prostate cancer didn’t seem to be effective and that a high fiber diet doesn’t do anything to prevent cancer. So now they’re saying women don’t need to bother with smash-o-grams or even self-examinations.

It’s like you really can’t believe anything the Government says anymore. After all, eggs were once bad for us to eat but now tests say they don’t raise cholesterol levels. It’s the government that ends up with eggs on their faces. [they look so much more desirable that way]

Well good. Now they’ve freed up my daily to-do list. Maybe I’ll make time now to take up the new Chinese dialect “Learning to speak in American dollars”. Next they’ll say that reading is bad for your skin, or flossing should only be done at the beach. Can’t they just commit to making sense or just being consistent? All this news makes me think that doctors might be the wrong people involved in the breast exam issue. The task force will probably suggest that young perky women not let anyone near their breasts unless the plan is to have sex. Preferably with a politician.

Remember the old food pyramid? That went out the window a few years ago too. See what I mean here? We may be headed back to wearing garlic around our necks and saving leeches in bottle jars for emergencies.

Instead of government bureaucrats forcing insurance companies to cut back such services they should mandate that insurance companies disallow people from even visiting a hospital unless absolutely necessary. Hospitals are the FIRST place to go if you want to get seriously sick. It’s almost more dangerous hanging around a hospital than calling yourself an Honest Politician.

Back to my boob study. They did find an Asymetrical Nodularity on my left juice container positioned at 3 o’clock. But the report said to come back in six months for another squeezolgy test. I wonder if they will be illegal by then.

Quote of the Day: In politics, the keywords are Trust and Honesty. Oh wait. This just in: They changed the keywords to Greed and Self-Interest. (my unbiased opinion) [actually that's an oxymoron.]

Interesting factoid: Here's an Anagram for you. Take the letters in Election Results and you can spell Lies, Let's Recount!

The Fool's Run

2009-11-19T18:35:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment with a Pain Management doctor today to find out the results from a left shoulder MRI that was done a few weeks ago. Apparently, I have a torn ligament in my left shoulder! I’ll be darn. No wonder it hurt so much.

When I first went to see him (Oct. 29th) on my first run, I thought it was the compressed nerve in my neck affecting my nerves in my left arm. He prescribed me some pain meds and a muscle relaxer.

On my second run today I took the prescription muscle relaxer that I got from him at my previous visit and gave them back to him. He looked surprised and I said that I brought them in so he could see that I didn’t take them except one and then a half. So basically I handed him back 88 ½ pills in the little prescription bottle. I told him that the prescription was probably meant for someone a little heavier than me, LIKE AN ELEPHANT! Seriously, I said that.

I took one the first night and when I woke in the night to use the poddy I felt like I had been tranked by a lion tamer or I just broke out of the Sanitarium on a Librium high. It was horrible. It was all so slow-mo that I think I even slammed down on the toilet and bruised my thighs and butt from the seat cover. Thank gawd summer is over and I don’t go to the pool anymore. You never know when you got bruises on your backside.
The next time I decided to get smart and break it in half. I was pretty uncomfortable and figured it would take about a ½ hour to kick in. Wrong. I kept wondering when this thing was going to provide relief. It took about 2 hours. Well hell, if I’d known that I would have stuck to a beer and a shot of tequila! (maybe two shots) Those are the only kind of shots I’m taking.

I told him he could just throw them out but I think he pocketed them when I left. He did give me a new prescription for another relaxer. I’m experimenting tonight.

Maybe I’ll put on my pool tire ring for safety or place it on the toilet seat for that nocturnal visit. I hope this one isn’t another return.

So I asked the Doc what do I do or what can I do about this? He said you have three options. 1) you can wait to see if it will heal on its own 2) I can give you a shot of cortisone to relieve the pain and 3) you can have surgery for it.

#2 immediately gave me IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I could almost feel my intestines locking into a Chinese Finger Pull.

#3 is out of the question on my kind of insurance (county). I don’t even like to drive by county hospitals. The lines inside are so slow they remind me of Dial Up service on my first computer.

Naturally, I’m going with the pain meds, muscle relaxer and time. I’ve got plenty of time to encourage my ligament to heal thyself.

A shot my ass! No, wait….I didn’t mean that. I mean I just don’t want a shot. I’ve got to be so careful nowadays. These peeps don’t have a sense of humor.

Quote of the Day: I like Florida. Everything is in the eighties: the temperature, the ages, and the IQs. George Carlin

Interesting factoid: In the year 1979 snow fell for 30 minutes in the Sahara. (I love these odd facts. Helps me play Jeopardy better.) [see above quote]

Calamity Jane's Adversion to the H1N1 Shot (all shots)

2009-11-17T17:13:00.000-05:00

I. Hate. Shots!

Don't think my body likes them and my brain hates them, but my imagination goes wild with them. I read too many murder mysteries. When someone mentions that I have to have a shot I'm like a cat that can go from sleeping peacefully to bolting out the door at the bark of a dog. The dogs name is Shot.

Which brings me to sharing with you that I have heel spurs on both heels of my feet that give me great ache and pain depending on how long I stand or walk or basically, how long I'm on my feet. If the answer to that measure is a lot then the pain level is equal by 5pm every day. I took it upon myself to see if there was some way around this foot-draggin problem so I went to see a podiatrist.

He was a nice enough guy I guess. Basic generic Doc in a lab coat. The night before I had been making these severed finger cookies for a Halloween Party so I had red food dye all over my fingers that wouldn't come off around the cuticles and fingertips too well. I was also reading the book Scarpeta by Patricia Cornwell which has a silver cover with bullit shots through it and blood dripping down it. So when the Doc came in I put the book in my lap to begin the analysis of the feet. As he was checking he looked up at me and gasped saying "you're bleeding!" I was pretty surpised at that so I said where? and he said "your hands". After looking at them I began to laugh telling him I was making severed finger cookies the night before... blah, blah, blah. He looked at me and then went back to the investigation of my heels. I was thinking to myself that NO ONE here in Florida has a sense of humor. They take every little thing like you say. I really miss Californians who have learned to laugh even when they get the Terminator for Governor.

After several moments of pushing and prodding he started to fill up a needle with a cocktail of 3 different drugs. I calmly asked what he was doing and he said he was going to give me a shot in each foot. I blanched, fought back my cat like reflex to bolt, and asked if it would hurt? He then showed me the summation of Floridian humor by replying "It won't hurt me a bit."

In return, I passed on a new lesson in CA humor by telling him that if it did hurt I was sure he would feel it! We shared that glance known to Gladiators before facing the lions. They just don't get humor here.

Well, the shot did hurt. In fact, I thought I was going to die right on that chair. I am certain that as my face grew as red as my fingers he got alarmed, then when I suddenly grabbed my purse off the floor and started digging through it ~~vigorously~~ maniacally, he stuttered out "what are you looking for?" I could barely breath (he was also reminding me to do just that while calling the nurse to get me a cold compress) so I couldn't talk very good without breath and just popped out my little Mona Lisa fan from Italy that my dearest Cousin Guy got me and I said "my fan."

I was too ~~agitated~~ hyperventilating to figure out that I think he reconsidered the severed finger thing and blood on the book and my earlier comment and probably thought I was reaching for a gun or machete to educate him on pain.

On a plus note, I believe my right foot had a spontaneous healing from the fear that it too would recieve a shot. Doc agreed that we wouldn't mess with the right foot.

Quote of the Day: We're young only once, but with humor, we can be immature forever. Art Gliner.

Interesting factoid: The telephone has been one of the most profitable inventions in the history of the United States. But you don't have to call me, just leave a comment on the blog. It's easier.

Fried Eyes to the Max

2009-11-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

OMG. I spent the Day watching the trilogy of all the Mad Max films with Mel Gibson. I've never spent such a beautiful day indoors doing this type of activity before. This was a first!

It was really kind of cool to sit and watch each one back to back. Now they're having a Matrix trilogy. I'm NOT going to do that. My eyes have had enough for the Day.

Quote of the Day: You are not drunk if you are lying on the floor without hanging on. Dean Martin

Interesting factoid: In the Middle Ages, peacocks and swans were sometimes served at Christmas dinner. The Pox on those horrible people... oh wait....

A Cat in a Jam

2009-11-13T15:49:00.000-05:00

I figure after all my complaining yesterday about my situation that it would be good to show that I'm not the only rowboat in a hurricane. This little Black and White kitty got his day in the barrel too! Not that I'm feeling all that much better but it did make me laugh!

Quote of the Day: Two roads forked in the woods and I took the road less traveled.....by state troopers [we have state troopers here in Florida same guys like CA Highway Patrol but different hats]

Interesting factoid: Hawaiian Poi (Taro Root) is boiled to remove its poison then pounded into a murkey purple paste to eat. Non-Hawaiians think it tastes like murkey purple paste. Don't know what the point is but I don't understand Spam either.