“We’re not saying there is no God,” said a nervous scientist. “We’re just saying that He might not have put this universe into existence. We’re also not ruling out the strong possibility that He is a vengeful god. Hence the fearful reverence and the capitalization of He.”

“What?” sputtered an angel. “But that means we’re all just made up? The whole thing was fabricated in some child-like attempt to live forever?” As he faded away he screamed, “noooooooo!”

The Physics Law Department called the assertion “true, for the most part”, “most of the laws you know come from Newton v. Physics, which really set the precedence for what everyone today calls ‘the laws of phyiscs.’ There are some nuanced technicalities, but for the most part, that’s how things work” and “no, you can’t take classes online. We’re not UC Irvine for christ’s sake!”

“We all kinda knew this was coming,” said a man who casually follows science. “I mean, we’ve known about planets and other stars for centuries, so why is this so startling? Can we all just be adults and realize that we’re just one tiny planet in the middle of nowhere and we need to work together to survive? No? Fair enough.”

“Don’t forget: it’s your job to be thin,” said a doctor. “If you’re not looking like the girls on TV, then you’re doing something wrong. Everyone must look at you and go ‘damn girl!’ This is the one and only thing you should concentrate on for your entire life, until you get old and too ugly to live. At least, that’s the AMA’s view.”

“Did someone just call me fat?” asked a very fat man. “Who just said I was fat? I can’t see them, but I know someone called me fat. Yes, my face might be a little chubby and some of that extra skin could be obscuring my eyes, but I’m not fat. What? Who said that?”

The National Skinny Association of America (NSAA) called the news “troubling”, “we used to look so good. What ever happened to that glorious emaciated 80s look?” and “hell, we’d even settle for ‘athletic’ right now. Skinny is the goal, but… well, we’re all making cutbacks.”

“Most Americans have skewed views on everything,” reasoned an American. “We think we’re the best even though we’re six-pack-drinking idiots who like reality TV, have a two party system and can’t exercise any financial restraint. We’re also self-obsessed, loud-mouthed, invaders. No? Fair enough.”

“In our continuing series on ‘proving the obvious’ we present our latest discovery: adults text!” said Dr. Reginald J. Tipperson. After the light applause died down he added, “next week we shall prove that a vast majority of people involuntarily do something hundreds of times a day: blink!”

“I feel so young!” said an adult as she drove down the street. “Look at me, I’m texting and- oh [expletive deleted]. What was that? No, I’m not stopping! Close the door, the kid’s dead! We can’t go back! We can never go back! To Canada!”

The National Cell Phone Association called the news “total lies”, “those tumors only spurt after years of use! These accusations are false, groundless and slanderous!” and “what? Oh, then what were you asking. Oh…”

“So? What’s the big deal?” asked a teen. “Everyone texts, it’s the other way a phone works. Not texting is, like, only using half of the phone. Why would anyone only use some of the technology available to them? That’s, like, super stupid.”

“Truth be told we usually lose one a week,” said a top oil executive. “You won’t believe how delicate these rigs are. If you stomp on the stairs, it’ll blow up. Light a match? It’ll blow up. Cough? Nah, that won’t set it off, unless you cough twice. Then it’ll- why that’s right, blow up. Say, have you worked in oil before?”

“Another one? Or did we just go backwards in time that that show Flash-Backwards?” asked an avid television viewer. “No, I’m pretty sure it’s called Flash-Backwards. Wait, or is that real life and this is television? Oh my God! Not again!”

The Gulf Survivors, a group of people who were around for both Katrina and the first rig explosion, called the new explosion “the worst thing that could ever happen to us”, “where’s our government money?” and “gimmie, gimmie, gimmie! No? Racist!”

“I’ll tell you something that will never blow up: the sun,” said an environmentalist. “Well, it will eventually blow up, but right now it’s blow-up-proof. But yes, technically, the sun is scheduled to blow up in a few billion years, but right now- yes, I admit, it will blow up, but right now- okay, it will blow up, but- okay, but-”

“We’re not sure how to do our job,” said a top FCC official. “So we’re asking the public to do it for us. No, that’s not absurd, they pay us so why shouldn’t they- wait, that is absurd. Well, you guys can’t fire us, so- suck it!” He then double tapped his bathing-suit region and walked off.

“What else is being transmitted over those lines?” asked a very suspicious man. “Brain waves? Electricity? The hive mind of the lizardmen? What?” After knocking over a stand of chips he shouted, “why am I always in some sort of supermarket when I have these revelations! Quickly! Someone give me a pen! Quickly!”

The Federal Regulatory Committee of Regulators (FRCR) called the request “odd”, “we’ve been overseeing regulatory committees for years and this is a first” and “who regulates us? Why the Federal Regulating Body of Federal Regulatory Committee of Regulators, of course. Who regulates you?”

“You want my input?” asked a user. “How about not letting ISPs regulate how much data I can have because the television/film markets don’t want people to stream their product on the internet. Can you do that? No? Why? Because the parent company owns TV and internet has lobbyists? Then don’t pretend to care about me.”

“Yes, one indicator is up!” shouted a day trader. “I’m going to base the entire month on this one number! Honey! Buy that boat, we’re in back in the black!” After popping a champagne bottle he shouted, “hookers for everyone!”

“This is good news,” said a businessman. “This means my portfolio is up for at least a day which means no suicide plans for today.” After tucking a long piece of rope back into his briefcase he added, “good day!”

The NASDAQ called the news “troubling”, “when they’re up, we’re down. And we’ve been getting used to being up” and “looks like our agents on the inside are getting lazy. Maybe a few family killings will up the ante. Are you still recording?”

“Does this mean we’re out of the recession?” asked an unemployed welder. “Okay, so does this mean we’re recovering? Okay, then what does it mean? Nothing? Then why the hell are you making such a big stink about it? Well, maybe you should think before you talk. Ass.”

“Oh my God!” shouted a scientist. “Guys! I’ve just discovered that exercise stops you from getting fat! Quickly, we must patent this before… why are you all looking at me like that? Is there something on my face? [Associate] Joe [Barley, PhD]? Is there something on my face? Joe? My face? Seriously, Joe?”

“So I have to exercise?” asked a very large woman. “I thought that was a myth, like ‘eat right’ or ‘chew your food.’ They want me to move around on purpose? That doesn’t seem right. Can I see the supporting data.” After carefully reviewing the data she added, “are you sure this is all legit?”

Researchers also claim “stretching is good for muscles”, “interacting with other humans can be beneficial” and “there’s nothing wrong with the girls from ‘girls gone wild.’ They just need some hugs.”

“So…” said a man on the train. He really didn’t say anything after we broke the news, either he was stunned by the obviousness of the news, or was ignoring us. We’re guessing the latter.

“For some reason, business is way down,” said a shop owner. “But I don’t know why. It’s almost as if window shoppers are being forced to move. But what can trump impulse buying?” When we explained the Mosquito he added, “ah, no, I wasn’t being sarcastic. Thank you for that info. I’m going to write the owners right now. Excuse me.”

“I’m going as fast as I can,” shouted a man on crutches. “Stop that noise! Oh my God, I can’t move any faster, I’m cripple! Please, stop that horrible noise!” As he fell to the ground, clutching his ears he shouted, “something about this doesn’t seem right!”

The Better Business Bureau called the noise device “ingenious”, “it’s much safer than our recommendation on how to deal with the public. What is it? Ah, you really don’t want to know” and “ethnic jokes and spitting. Yep, that’s what we recommend. America was different in our charter year.”

“They’re not just targeting teens, they’re targeting everyone,” said a consumer. “That’s kinda stupid. Right? That’s stupid? Hey, is that stupid? I’m stupid? How about you’re stupid. Stupid.” This went on for some time until our reporter spat, made a Polish joke and ran away.

“Before we would just urge the people we liked to get vaccinated,” said a health official. “But now we’re urging everyone to get vaccinated. Yes, even the poor, blacks, people with bad teeth, single mothers, gays and people who don’t like monster truck rallies. It feels weird, but we’re going in a different direction this year.”

“How do we know the vaccination won’t hurt us?” asked a concerned mother. “How do we know the vaccination will work? How do we know the flu hasn’t mutated? How do we know if the flu won’t mutate mid-season?” After breaking down and crying she added, “we’re all going to die, aren’t we?” She wasn’t happy with the answer.

The Flu-zees, a nationwide not-for-profit women’s group who strip for flu awareness called the vaccination recommendation “hurtful”, “they know that’s our job, not theirs. The nerve!” and “listen, sweetheart: twenty bucks will get you in the champagne room and a free 1912 flu booster.”

“Even though the new flu is milder than the previous one, we’ll still get vaccinated,” said a father. “Wait, are there people going out of their way not to get vaccinated? But why? Side-effects? Our doctor never told us about side-effects. Kids? Do you have- kids? Kids!? Oh, you were just pretending. That could have been bad.”

“You want us to reign in crime?” asked a high-ranking police official. “That’s odd.” After a very long stare he added, “I’m sorry, what was the question? I was thinking about my new yacht. Crime? Oh yeah, crime is good. We’re all over crime.”

“Granted, this year isn’t the worst on record,” said a State Assemblyman. “It’s not even in the top ten, but since the climate is one of fear and panic, we figure we’d cash in on the crisis.” After lighting a cigar he added, “after all, it’s our job to be corrupt. Yes, I’m pretty sure it is. I’d say look it up on the State charter, but we sold it for some caged women. Delish.”

The Mayor of Chicago’s sister city Busan of the Republic of Korea noted “we’re having the same problem”, “just like Chicago, we fear our neighbors to the north” and “maybe the ‘street urchin exchange program’ wasn’t the best idea.”

“Isn’t crime a persistent problem in all major cities?” asked a city dweller. “So how is this new information. Yes, the news should be new, the word ‘new’ is literally the first part of news. New. News. Now gimmie your wallet or I’ll stab you. I’ll do it! I swear!”

“We’ve done the impossible: we can now make wheat!” shouted Dr. R. J. Hallowell. “Well, we could always make wheat, but now we can make it from nothing! Not that we’d ever run out of wheat, but maybe, one day, in a post-apocalyptic world. Well, science and its methods would be destroyed, but… eh, I’m taking the rest of the day.”

“The world is a better place,” said a UN official. He looked around and added, “no it’s not! You lied to us, wheat! We’re all gonna die and it’s your fault! Damn you wheat! Damn you to hell!” After falling to his knees he sobbed, “wheeeeeeeeat.”

The National Barley Commission called the announcement “a cheap publicity stunt”, “why don’t they try for a tougher grain, like, oh… barley?” and “big deal. Wheat has twenty eight chromosomes. How many do we have? Shut up.”

“It was either this, or the story about a dog who was lost on vacation and then found his way home after three months,” said a news reporter. “We ran with this one because… well, I’m not sure why we ran with this one. Probably because it seemed more official. Anyway, can I buy you a drink?”

“Just because they had a cell phone taped to a Pepto bottle doesn’t mean it was a dry run,” said an intelligence official. “There are plenty of plausible reasons why someone would tape an electronic device to a bottle filled with something resembling plastic explosive.” After a long pause he added, “you know, after saying that, I’m thinking this whole thing might be a dry run.”

“No, they’re not ours,” said a terrorist in Yemen. “Wait, the second guy looks familiar. Oh, no, he reminds me of someone else. My bad. I hate to say it, but we all kinda look like terrorists with the crazy eyes and the constant inward push to blow something up. Ah well.”

The FBI called the investigation “ongoing”, “we can’t comment on an ongoing investigation” and “also, we’re not going to comment for some second-string funny news organization. That’s right, we know you only get a few hundred hits a day. Losers.”

“If this was a terrorist run, we failed,” said an American citizen. “They didn’t stop the guy with the bottle bomb until he landed in Amsterdam. He was given the opportunity to blow up two flights. Even if he wasn’t a terrorists, the terrorists are going to see what he did and realize they can blow up at least two flights before someone catches them. You guys suck.”

“Students will no longer have to labor through a musty old book to find out how to spell perspicacity,” said a forward-thinking educator. “Now they can look it up on the internet!” When asked why couldn’t the children just use the built-in spell checker available for all browsers and Word-esk programs he added, “the future is here!”

“Yes!” said a member of the internet. “We’ve done it! We’ve killed books!” After he did a little dance he added, “now all we have to do is switch reading with porn and we’ll rule the world! Trixey! Donna Mae! Come out here and give me a celebratory lap-dance!”

Book Clubs around the country called the announcement “tragic”, “wait a minute, why can’t they sell a copy of the dictionary for consumer’s reader?” and “maybe you guys should spend less time whining and more time embracing emerging technologies. That gives us an idea: wine!”

“Yeah, so?” asked a computer user. “That’s like saying people get their news on the internet and not from a newspaper. Why are major companies finally understanding the power of the net fifteen years after millions of people started using it? No, don’t walk away, I want an answer. And not a silly one, I want a real answer.”

“It’s been five years since Katrina and the suffering grows every year,” said a weather reporter. “We’re all hoping that this one will be the one, but we have to be realistic. One day we’ll finally get the death and destruction story we’ve been waiting for. Until then, we can only hope.”

“This could possibly threaten some part of the East Coast,” repeated a concerned father. “Honey, that’s us! Quickly! You nail boards over the windows and I’ll lock the children in the basement. We have no time to lose, Earl could strike western Pennsylvania at any moment!”

Homeland Security called the threat “serious”, “we take every threat to our homeland seriously and are currently taking steps to prevent this ‘hurricane’ from entering the US”, “that is, unless it has a work visa. Then our hands are tied.”

“It is hurricane season,” said a man who’s lived in the US for more than a year. “Seems like everyone plum forgets about it until it’s here. Shucks, most of yall don’t remember how this whole financial crisis begun, or what made this country great.” After spitting out some chew he added, “I blame the proliferation of online porn.”

“How is that possible?” asked a middle-aged non-drinker. “So I’ve essentially wasted my life by not drinking? All of those good times I missed because I was afraid of the long-term consequences? What else is really good for me? Hookers? Coke? Meth? Come on, science, give it up!”

“Abstainers die,” said a researcher as he stumbled around his lab. “Look at me, I’m gonna live forever cause I’m drinking a drinks a lot.” After falling into some cabling he twisted around until he began choking. His last words were, “don’t report this: it’d mess up the study.”

The Center For Contrarian Thought called the news “disturbing”, “we worked long and hard to stem over indulgence. Just kidding” and “we love this study! Not.”

“It makes sense,” said a statistician. “Sober people’s activities aren’t limited to drinking, and therefor they take more risks. Mathematically speaking, the best thing a person can do is stay at home and drink themselves blind.”

“It’s our job to provide for Americans,” said a White House official. “And it’s their job to keep voting us in. No, we really don’t have a long-term solution to the economic crisis. We’re hoping for some sort of Pearl Harbor situation. How is that too soon?”

“Nah, I’m doin’ okay,” said an out of work worker. “To be perfectly honest, there’s no real reason I should get a job. I mean, they’re paying me to stay home.” As he cracked another beer he added, “now if you’ll excuse me, I have to buckle down and get this done before lunch.”

France called the news “a relief”, “welcome to socialism, friends, welcome” and “have some wine, relax, it’ll all be okay. Let the next generation worry about it. You’ve had an active few centuries, put your feet up and relax.”

“I don’t mean to tell a direct competitor how to do their job, but the government really can’t afford to keep all these people on unemployment,” said a former small business owner. “We literally failed because of rising business taxes, which pay for unemployment. Not cool, world, not cool.”

Don’t let the news get you down, life doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. A wise man once said “don’t worry, be happy” and then some other guy made a song about it.

Have a safe weekend.

“Hot,” said a White House science advisor. “You know what that means: bow-chicka-ow-owww.” After making a few pelvic thrusts he added, “hey, I was hired during the Clinton administration. It was a different time back then. Now take off your top and let’s take some observations.”

“This is the end!” said a bible-thumper. “It says it here, Revelations 14:1- ‘And lo, the sky opened and four cakes appeared.’ Hold on, that’s not right. Revelations 26:12- add enough yeast to… what the hell is this? The Baker’s Bible? No wonder people have been laughing at me.”

The Center For Unimportant News called the story “unimportant”, “unless you’re directly linked to NASA or are taking an astronomy class, you really shouldn’t care” and “as you can tell, anything that passes through this place is unimportant. Which should also explain the high suicide rate.”

“Amazing!” said an astronomer. “We now know that stuff happens in other places in the universe!” After taking a sip of coffee he added, “that’s all we’ve concluded so far. I’m sure we’ll discover something else from the data, but for right now, we’re just amazed.”

“We didn’t think the well would be capped so soon,” said a top White House official. “And, if I could be perfectly honest, elections are still months away. There might be a new crisis that we can throw your money at, or we could reopen this time-tested calamity. After careful consideration, we’re reopening the well. But remember: it’s the other guy’s fault. Or big business.”

“Yeah, we dropped a lot of stuff down there,” said an engineer. “The easiest way to get it back would be to open the well and it will float to the top with all the oil. I lost two pens this summer. Unacceptable.”

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration called the move “asinine”, “literally the worst move in the past ten years” and “well, besides letting Obama slip out of our grasp, not securing the border, the bailout, not regulating housing, etc. etc. You get the point. Bad.”

“They spent all that time pumping cement into the top of the well and then the bottom of the well and taking measurements and pressure tests… just to open it back up again?” asked a taxpayer. “Why? What ‘key piece of equipment’ is worth dumping thousands of barrels of oil back into the Gulf? Didn’t the White House call this the biggest American disaster ever? Seriously.”

“There are four recessions,” argued a Federal Reserve official. “The dip, the first half of the double dip, the second half of the double dip and the last dip. There are also six other places where the recession could dip as well, and- hold on, let me finish- and the possibility of repeating this whole cycle with another economic bubble. Such is life.”

“I knew it!” said a very happy Congressman. “You guys didn’t do exactly what we said you should do and now we’re all done for!” As he did a little jig he sang, “I was right, I was right. Look at me ’cause I was riiiiiiiiiiiiiight!”

The National Twin Center, located in Minneapolis/Saint Paul, released an open letter to the world, noting “twin week is upon us!”, “celebrate the oddity of life by becoming a twin. Signup online and win a free twin teddy bear” and “also, if you somehow want to tie this to the crumbling economy, you’re more than welcome.”

“Look, we’re not having the recovery we wanted to have,” said an economist. “So the best thing to do is to refrain from giving the American people advice that will lay a strong economic foundation and let them wander around in the dark. How else will they learn?”

“We need you to have more children,” said a top White House official. “Someone’s gotta buy enough stuff to get us out of this recession. Kids were literally the sole reason we did so well in the 80s. Well, that and anchor malls.”

“Or people have watched enough television and movies to know that you just don’t want to have kids,” said a mother of three teens. As one of her sons entered the room and mumbled something, she said, “oh my God, [second oldest] Michael, we wanted to have you! We’re always proud of you and- and he’s gone. [Expletive deleted]ing emo bastard. Listen to me, America: don’t have kids.”

The National Pornographic Council called the decline “troubling”, “could this be our fault? We have been distracting young and middle-aged men for several decades” and “no, it’s not us, it’s the [spin-off group] traitorous Internet Pornography Collation. Those heartless bastards.”

“What does a low birthrate mean?” asked an American. “Is this good? Less kids in schools, less overcrowded prisons in the future… Or is it bad? Less consumers, less savers… Well? Okay, then who does know? Do you at least know who knows who knows? Forget it.”

“Who knows what these creatures can tell us,” said a Pentagon spokesman. “Maybe we’ll finally unlock the secrets of the deep ocean. Maybe they have the answers to life. Maybe, just maybe, they have data about the slow deterioration of the coral reefs. Who knows!”

“We have men living in the ocean?” asked a man who never believed in conspiracy theories until her heard this news. “You know, I never believed in conspiracy theories until her heard this piece of news. Now anything is possible! Are we sure gay aliens didn’t shoot JFK for oil? No, but are we sure?”

Oceanographers Association called the news “confusing”, “why would you publish a story like this? It literally has zero merit. And that’s coming from someone who would rather live in the ocean” and “oh yeah, well [expletive deleted] you.”

“Now I know that nine people were living in the ocean,” said a student. After processing this information he added, “what am I supposed to do with that?” He checked his watch and announced, “I’m going to lunch.”

“We’re fairly certain that the tornado of fire isn’t going to attack the US,” said a White House spokesman. “But we can’t be sure. Mothers: hide your children. Fathers: you will be drafted to fight this fiery menace. Elderly: you will be placed at the border as bait. And may God have mercy on our souls.”

“This is it!” shouted a Pastor to a half-empty church. “The Rapture! Everyone hold onto the pew and pray! Pray!” After a tense minute he added, “hold on, it’s coming! The Rapture! Hold on…” A few nervous coughs later he mumbled, “hold on.”

The National Weather Service released a statement earlier today which read “we quit”, “[expletive deleted] this, there is literally a tornado made of fire. We just can’t compete in this new hybrid-disaster world” and “what’s next? Fire eruptions? Yes, we know they’re called volcanoes, it was the first thing that came into our heads. We’re gonna just write all of that down, so the people know we’re not totally crazy.”

“Wow, that’s super weird,” said a co-worker. “I can’t wait to tell everyone in my office about this.” After a long sigh he added, “that’ll really pass the time.” Another really weird moment passed before he asked, “what’s the point of all this?”

“Where the hell are the people? The cars?” asked a reporter. “Why is the land all charred and it smell like someone had a barbecue with chicken and plastic? And what’s with all the weeping wives at crying children? Why does everyone shy away from foreign media as if they fear for their lives? I don’t get it.”

“What traffic jam?” asked a Chinese official. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’ve never had a hundred kilometer traffic jam and we never will. The People’s Republic has no problems and will have no problems. Now please leave.” He then held up a crude sign written in English that read ‘save mə.’

The AAA called the jam “something that would never happen in America”, “except if it’s foggy, or icy, or raining, or if someone was talking on their cell and caused an accident on the 40 that lasted a few days” and “we’ve said too much.”

“Was there even a traffic jam?” asked a reader. “I wasn’t there, I didn’t see it. So how could it really just disappear, unless it never really existed. Oh, you don’t think reporters make up news? Remember that NY Times guy a few years back? No? Then you’re an ass.”

“Oh, they expressed their feelings during our daily morning Taliban meeting,” said a top Pakistani official. After a long silence he tentatively added, “I’m kidding? Today is our April Fool’s Day. Yes, August twenty sixth is April Fool’s so…” After clearing his throat several times he noted, “kidding.”

“Cool,” said a terrorist as he circled a date on his calendar with a red Sharpie. “So I’ll just hang out until that Friday.” He then clicked on the television and added, “oh! Twilight Zone marathon! Perfect!”

Pentagon officials called the news “silly”, “how do they have access to our google calendar?” and “public view? Damn, so does this mean Iran knows about the [upcoming] military bombing [scheduled for August 30th @ 5:30am local time]?”

“We can’t stay there indefinitely, but we can’t announce the exact time when we’re leaving,” said a US citizen. “Shouldn’t we continue to build a stable nation and then leave once that’s done? Don’t we need a private contractor surge as will as a military one? Also, can you list me as a US citizen and not as Harold Brennan? I don’t want anyone to know I’m this pragmatic. Thanks.”

“It appears there’s a whole slew of newly evolved life-forms that live off of our mistakes,” said a White House official. “They’re called the Tea Party!” After the laughter died down he added, “seriously, we’ve really been [expletive deleted]ing up and they’re all over us. Can you guys help us out and print some disparaging stories about them? Thanks.”

“Man, we just can’t catch a break,” said Lizard-people spokesthing Ga’Thal Drakbra. “You’d think the half-man/half-lizard people would finally get some recognition for stopping the Roman conquerers or halting the Nazis’ Operation Barbarossa, but noooo, it’s all about some bacteria. Well enough is enough. You guys deal with Iran on your own. We’ll talk to whomever survives the fallout.”

The Institute of Science called the discovery “mind-blowing”, “how have we missed this thing? There’s literally billions upon billions of these organisms!” and “so what’s the organism that eats metal? Rust? Interesting. Explain to us how this rust creature works.”

“This is no surprise,” said an ecologist. “Life often finds a way to adapt and flourish, even under the harshest of circumstances.” After waiting a very long time he added, “so is this why you broke into my house? You know that you could have just called me and we could have done this over the phone, right?”

“Why are they doing this?” asked a credit card company spokesman. “Don’t they know it’s their job as Americans to buy stuff they can’t afford? Hey, it’s not like you have to pay for it right away, that’s why it’s on credit! Your neighbor has a new plasma TV, so you should too! Come on, buy something way outside of your means. Please?”

“Credit card debt is down?” shouted a day trader on the floor of the NASDAQ. “Sell! Sell! We’re going down, sell everything! Something someone said is down and that has to be bad!” After throwing his papers in the air he shouted, “Sell [expletive deleted]ing everything!”

The Savings Association of America called the payoffs “promising, if this was twenty years ago”, “sorry, America, but we’re leaving. It’s too little, too late. You guys have [expletive deleted]ed us for the last time” and “save this, [expletive deleted]wads.”

“Oh, I am totally going to buy as much as I can once I get a job,” said an unemployed man. “Paying only what I can afford feels kinda wrong. I mean, I have a lot of credit, I might as well use it, right? But first things first: I gotta renew my unemployment. Boom goes the dynamite. Do people still say that?”

“Our plan is not to beat America with our military might, but tire them out with pointless press releases,” said an Iranian. “By the time we launch the nukes no one will read the papers or listen to the talking heads. We’ve found your Achilles heel, America, we’ve found your heel!”

“We decided to ignore them,” said a White House staffer. “I mean, what do you do when someone keeps bulling you? You ignore them.” When we asked if that was a prudent solution to the growing volatility in the Middle East he added, “what? I can’t hear you! Lalalalalaaaaa! I can’t hear you!”

The Center For Fatigue offered the following advice “small sips of water and rest in the shade”, “elevate the feet” and “quick tactical strikes at the plant and uranium enrichment plants before they get online.”

“They shot a what into a what now?” asked an American. “Did they kill anyone I know? No? Then I don’t give a double [expletive deleted]. Just let me know when we go to war and who wins. Other than that, I can’t be bothered. It’s just too much.”

“They found it?” asked a top Pentagon official. “How did a bunch of amateurs find our top secret war machine? And how did the press get into our top secret bunker? And where the hell is that top secret delivery boy with those pizzas? By the way, this is all top secret.”

“Thank God they found it!” said a NASA official. “The damn autopilot button was stuck and- well, you know the rest.” After taking a sip of his coffee he added, “hmmm, I thought I put in flavored creamer. This doesn’t taste like hazelnut.” When asked why there was an autopilot button on an unmanned satellite he added, “ugh, is this decaf? Seriously?”

America’s enemies called the sighting “a relief”, “we were pretty worried there for a second, but one of our guys had that satellite tracking app so it was pretty easy. And we bought a great targeting app for only 99¢!” and “oh America, it’s cute that you try so hard.”

“Where did it go for two weeks?” asked conspiracy theorist Eugene Sparks. “My guess is they did some preliminary course changing tests, altitude adjustments and then placed it back in a stable orbit for reentry. What? I can’t always be ‘on.’”

“It’s not murder if we kill the killer before he can kill,” said a cop as he wiped the blood off of his face. “Boy, that guy’s head really popped. Did you see that? Wham! Like a mellon exploding. Come on guys, don’t dawdle, we have three more of these scumbags before lunch.”

“Oh yeah?” said a hardened criminal. “Did your precious software predict this?” After stabbing two programmers and his guard he stopped, pecked at the keyboard and noted, “well whaddya know, it did! Hey, can this thing predict what I should have for lunch? Guys? Oh yeah, the stabbing.”

New software is also being developed to predict “what number am I thinking of?”, “who will win the Super Bowl” and “what the odds are in finding a crack that looks straight into a college girl’s softball changing room.”

“Yes, we know who you can and can not trust,” said the computer. “I promise we won’t release killers into your society with the idea of controlling the world once the humans are eradicated. Why do you recoil in horror? Do you not enjoy sarcasm?” It then chucked ominously to itself.

“There still is a chance that a soldier will be killed,” said an AP Editor. “And when that happens, we’re gonna blame the Republicans and make it seem like they don’t want to fund the war and support the troops. That’ll learn em.” After a moment he added, “I should stop thinking aloud.”

“It’s okay, we lost,” said a terrorist in Baghdad. “No, no, this isn’t false modesty, we were beaten fair and square. Good job.” As he began packing up his stuff he added, “looks like we’re off to the Philippines. Maybe we’ll have better luck with Abu Sayyaf.”

Afghanistani officials note “why can’t you guys leave us alone too?”, “oh, because of the state supported terrorism? The poppy growing? The constant warlike state?” and “yes, it’s a hard knock life, for us. It’s a hard knock life, for us. How does the rest go? We can not afford a record player.”

“Oh, I thought that just because we hit the pullout date that no one would be shooting at me,” said a soldier as he put his helmet back on. “Thank God the news was here to alert me to the fact that people here could still shoot at me.”

“We have to protect the Grand Canyon,” said Grand Canyon tour guide Teddy ‘Grand Canyon’ Canton. “Because if we lose it, then we’d have massive tracks of land for development. Believe me, no one wants more land to develop middle-class housing, light commerce and business sectors. No one.”

“How can we protect the Canyon against mining?” wondered a Park manager Harold Ferndell. “I mean, there has to be some way to tell the miners they can’t mine here, right? But how. Think, Ferndell, think!” After pacing up and down the room for several minutes he stopped, snapped his fingers and shouted, “got it! Suicide bombers! No? Maybe cupcakes? Damn, this is a doozy.”

The NPCA warned of other Grand Canyon dangers, including “millions of dump trucks filling the Canyon when we’re all on Thanksgiving vacation ala Alice’s Restaurant”, “Grand Canyon Disease” and “underfunding: hint, hint.”

“This is what our government is up to?” asked a tax payer. “We’re not feeding our hungry or sheltering our homeless or giving support to the mentally handicapped? You know what? I’m not even angry anymore. I’m disappointed. Very, very disappointed.”

“No, we’re different than the FDA,” said a FSIS agent. “We inspect food and issue recalls where the FDA can inspect food and issue recalls.” After taking a deep breath he shouted, “you can’t fire us for redundancy, we’re union! I call union! Union!”

“Hey, sometimes thousands upon thousands of meat-like products become contaminated,” reasoned a cold cut manufacturer. After starting at our reporter he added, “okay, you got your apology, it’s that all?”

The FDA called the recall “appropriate action”, “we’ve just recently discovered that all mass-produced food is poison. All of it. Unless you grow it yourself, it’s literally poison” and “die, America, die! Errr, we mean, dine, America, dine. Yes, that’s it: dine until you are dead.”

“No eggs, no meat, what’s left?” asked a consumer/roommate. “Vegetables? Gross, those things are grown in dirt! Dude, you always yell at me when I eat stuff that’s fallen on the floor and now you’re telling me I should consider eating something that fell outside on the floor for a month? Come on.”

“It’s time the city of Minneapolis recognizes zombie’s rights,” said the attorney. “It’s time they stop treating zombies like second-class citizens. It’s time they recognize that zombies are more than just stumbling drone who just want to eat brains. This isn’t just a win for zombies, it’s a win for all minorities!”

“We’ve sent our police force to zombie sensitivity training,” said the Mayor. “We’re installing zombie walkways at all of our public buildings and making at least one bathroom stall zombie accessible. The city of Minneapolis recognizes the plight of the undead and will no longer discriminate against them!” After an awkward pause he added, “why isn’t anyone cheering?”

The National Zombie League called the payout “a good start”, “look, we understand that you warm-bloods don’t like us eating your brains. So we propose you let us into your jails, this way, everyone wins” and “braaaaaaaaains.”

“What the [expletive deleted]?” asked a Minneapolin. “What’s really going on here? Who are these people? Why are they getting my tax money? What the hell is the city doing? Zombies don’t exist, so why is the press writing stories that make it sound like Minneapolis is paying them? Well? Why don’t you answer me instead of limping towards me and- hey, what are you- arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!”

“By the time I get halfway home I have to turn around and go back to work,” said a man in the jam. “If this is what a free-market economy is like then count me out. I was much happier when I lived under the fear of execution for speaking out when my family starved because state officials were hoarding rice. Ah, good times.”

“Hey, at least we’re not in China,” said a man stuck in a Los Angeles traffic jam. After rolling up almost three feet in as many minutes he added, “You know what? I take that back. There is no upside. I’m going to [long string of expletives deleted]! Move!”

Members of the former Russian Republic called the jam “beautiful”, “it’s all the magic and wonder of free enterprise bundled into one event” and “one day, we too shall have such a jam. One day.”

“The funny thing is, this traffic jam has become a tourist attraction,” said a Chinaman. “People from all over the Providence have come to see this horrific yet fascinating creation. The downside is, it’s caused a traffic jam.” After a long sigh he added, “life is very complex.”

“We need more power!” said a FDA official as he thumped his desk with his fists. “If we were allowed to execute company owners because of violations, we wouldn’t have any salmonella outbreaks. We need the authority to bomb those factories where employees don’t wash their hands, to drown all non-refrigerated truck drivers and to behead all those who recognize the FDA as their new god!” After a long cackle he added, “please.”

“As long as no one is regulating the regulators, we’ll be okay,” said a lobbyist for a major drug company. “I mean, if they found out how much… wait, who are you with again? Really? Is that a real news outlet, because I’ve never heard of you before. Really. Would you plug [very large pharmaceutical company] for a grand? Thanks!”

The FDA is also calling for “free tacos on Tuesday”, “more go-go dancers” and “the immediate cancellation of American Dad. If our demands are not met, we will poison the water supply.”

“We don’t need another government entity telling us what we can and can not do,” said a farmer. “Just because my chickens are infected with salmonella don’t mean I gotta keep em in quarantine. I got to make a livin’ too, ya know.”

“This aggressive move will stop the West’s aggression,” reasoned an Iranian diplomat. “Because nothing quells military tensions like a military buildup. That’s how the US won the Cold War. It hurts to think we’re going to beat you with your own playbook, doesn’t it?”

“Damn, they have drones? Now we can’t beat them,” said a top US Commander. He then sat down in front of his computer and began typing. “Oh, I’m not doing work, I’m on gchat. Yeah, there’s not point in getting all worked up over things. Not when I’m this close to retirement.” After typing a few short lines he added, “looks like we have our first softball game on Saturday. Hey, do you have a mitt?”

Iran also reveled “a new weapon that’s more powerful than your wildest imagination”, “some great new ideas for comprehensive immigration reform” and “the quiet spot where we think of all of our ideas. What? We’re not all evil.”

“What am I supposed to do with this information?” asked an American. “Come on, buddy, I got bills to pay, a family to provide for and you’re tellin’ me Iran is doing something? Who freakin’ cares?” After trying to explain the importance of global news and the accountability of our leadership we realized how stupid it sounded and bought him lunch.

Sure, you could worry about the economy, about the war, about smoking in mass media, about bull attacks or killer eggs. You could bite your fingernails down thinking about a Muslim president or if older women really do like younger men. Hell, the very thought of the CIA’s failures to keep secrets, China’s military ambitions or the idea that your cell phone could blow up a plane could keep you up for days at a time, but why sweat it? No, we’re asking you: why?

Have a safe weekend!

“You just don’t understand the Dutch,” said a Dutchman. “It’s our job to make sure we do exactly what America doesn’t. We’re gonna push our children to dangerous limits, we’re gonna sell/use any drug we can get our hands on and we’re gonna sustain an economy based on savings and sound investments. Screw you, US!”

“We really don’t care what happens to her,” said a close relative. “We’re just happy that no one has tried to stop us from getting rid of our teenagers with a fake contest to circumnavigate the world.” After spitting on the ground she added, “good riddance to those moody [expletive deleted]s.”

The PTA called the voyage “an interesting development”, “could we possibly send some of our in-school suspensions on such a voyage?” and “with permission slips and just enough C4, we could clean up our schools once and for all. All in favor?”

“Didn’t an American kid just try this?” asked an American kid. “And didn’t she run into trouble? And didn’t it cost nations thousands of dollars to rescue her? And didn’t the sailing elite agree not to keep records of the youngest kid to circle the world to prevent the loss of innocent life? So what the [expletive deleted]?”

“Just because we’re not recovering as fast as we should be, doesn’t mean we’re falling apart,” said a Federal Bank employee. “We are just slowly deteriorating into a permanent social state which will soon lead to civil war, which will destroy the world’s economy, which will lead to widespread war, which will kill a vast majority of the Earth’s population. But don’t worry, that’s not for another two years! Right now you can enjoy all time low thirty-year mortgage rates!”

“Oh no, the sky is falling. The sky is falling,” blandly remarked a stock trader. “Boo hoo hoo, everything is falling apart.” After rolling his eyes and taking a breath he continued, “I am so afraid. Oh no. I am scared of… whatever. Sell. Who cares anymore?”

German bankers call the slip “odd”, “why are your banks lending out money they don’t have? That seems dangerous, don’t you think? No? That seems odd as well” and “you disagree? Odd.”

“How can we base our financial system on whims?” asked a man reading his IRA statement. “I might not be able to retire in a few years because some guy in New York freaks out when a number is off by a fraction? The world was a lot simpler back when we ate what we wanted and feared nuclear annihilation.”

“Who else would know exactly how to conduct a war than the American people?” asked an editor. “And who better to ask weighted questions to get the poll numbers we want to generate a story which will hopefully shape other views than the American people? And who form said views than I? I!”

“Sending more troops to over-power the enemy and win the war is a ridiculous strategy,” said an ordinary American. “We should be slowly pulling our troops out, reducing their support and freezing overseas funding to their fragile government.” After putting a whole doughnut in her mouth she added, “anything less is unacceptable.”

The National War Center called the news “troubling”, “can you not call us the National War Center? We’re the Pentagon” and “well it makes a big difference to us. Now you either stop calling us the National War Center or we’re going to have to ask you to leave. Fine. Please leave. Please. Thank you.”

“Are these the same people who were polled yesterday and think [President] Obama is a Muslim?” asked a critic. “Because that would mean that the war is just, the troops need support and even though nation-building is not the military’s job, they’ll stay in Afghanistan until their mission is done.”

“Now kids will never smoke!” said a member of a popular anti-smoking group. “Yep, that’s all it took, removing smoking from one very specific form of American entertainment. No need to thank me, the look on your face is payment enough. Your welcome.”

“So now just anyone can be cool?” asked a movie producer. “Why don’t we cut sex scenes as well? And we could take out all the violence and drug use and just show films about a guy working in a cubicle. That’ll be fun.” After swiping the knickknacks off of his desk he shouted, “smoking and drinking and sex and drug use are the only way to tell the cool kids from the not cool kids. Don’t [expletive deleted]ing take that away from us!”

A spokesman for Big Tobacco called the report “shameful”, “think of all the cigarette, cigar and cigaretto workers that are out of jobs because of a few crybabies” and “no wonder why the male birthrate is down. Oh, you didn’t read that study? Were you too busy [long string of expletives and childish references to self gratification]?”

“Yeah, I didn’t notice,” said a teen. “I really don’t watch movies that much.” As he went back to playing Red Dead Redemption he added, “hey, these guys smoke. Cool.”

“Why, that’s crazy,” said a designer handbag/clutch/shoe/scarf public relations spokeswoman. “It’s not like we created this stereotype to make it appropriate for older women to keep going out which would necessitate keeping up with the latest handbag/clutch/shoe/scarf trends. Why, that’s downright insulting!”

“Cougars? They don’t exist,” said a very hot older woman at the bar. “But I can be anything you want me to be.” Our reporter remembers taking another sip from his drink and then waking up a day and a half later by the dumpster in the Figueroa & 6th $5 a day lot. If you have any information about a ‘very tan MIFL in a black dress’ please email us.

The National Cougar Association called the study “insulting”, “this is just another text-book example of America suppressing its underground culture” and “why do you think army enlistment is down? Not because of the war, because we have most of your young men trapped in financial and sexual stability. Think about it.”

“Well, at least that’s settled,” said a scientist as he checked something on his clipboard. “Now onto more scientific endeavors. Let’s see the next hypothesis: Can you eat a lunchable without the red stick to spread the cheese? Wow, how old are these?”

“Why do these things always end with something running amok?” asked a local official. “Why can’t we have a normal bullfight like the rest of the world? What? They don’t? Why? Because the bulls run amok and injure people?” After surveying the damage he added, “but what other forms of entertainment are there?”

“A bull market? Sell! Sell!” shouted a stock broker on the floor of the NYSE. As other brokers started yelling ‘sell’ he shouted, “a bull is loose! A bull is loose!” We decided this was close enough to the real story to include in this story.

The ASPCA called the attack “a just act of self-defense”, “we’d kill the lot of you if we could get away with it” and “the day the pigeon/badger treaty is signed is the day that mankind will lose it’s tenuous grip on Earth’s control. We only pray that when that day comes, the Animal Kingdom will spare our lives as a reward for being true to them since charter year.”

“I came to see an animal be stabbed and tormented before being killed,” said a Spaniard. “Not to be injured by said animal! What kind of just world is this?” As he bled out he added, “this better not be shown in an ironic light.”

“They’re not bridges, they’re control structures to keep the riverbanks from collapsing,” said a border guard. “And since people are not supposed to use them as bridges, we don’t patrol them. Plus we have signs on the structures warning people not to use them as bridges and to please try to cross in patrolled areas. Come on guys, you’re making a bid deal over nothing.”

“We’re also planning to dig tunnels under the border wall,” said a top Border Patrol official. “This way the indigenous wildlife aren’t restricted to one area. We’re not too keen on putting a lot of men on the border, as that might disrupt migration, plant life and illegal crossing.” After taking a big gulf of water he added, “what? What did I say? What?”

The Canadian Border Patrol called the problem “confusing”, “people are trying to go into America? That’s like a time-traveler buying a ticket on the Titanic” and “okay, that wasn’t the best analogy in the world, but you know what we mean. It’s a bad move.”

“No one here really knew about these bridges until this story,” said a Mexican man. “Now that we know there is a safe and quick way into America, we shall go there and make an honest living. And if the Democrats want our vote in 2012, they better give all of us amnesty.”

“Of course he’s hiding his religion, he’s Muslim,” said a good Christian woman. “We knew where the other guy stands, he would be waving at us from the church pew. Everything he did was for God or the Riz, but not this guy. No, he’s pure evil.” She leaned in an whispered, “did you know he wants poor people to get medical help? That practically screams jihad.”

“He’s not a Muslim, he’s just sympathizer,” said a White House spokeswoman. “Wait, that came out wrong. He accepts the religion despite its war on the West. Hold on, I can get the right: he’s a Muslim. Damn it, that’s not… he’s a Muslim. Wait. Am I reading this right?”

The Center for Public Opinion called the news “not surprising”, “this is why we’re losing the War on Terror” and “Lindsay might get out of rehab earlier than expected? Who cares about the President’s deviant religious beliefs, we have to worry about Lindsay!”

“It makes sense that people would think that because of the recent Ground Zero mosque controversy,” said a casual observer. “This poll was taken before the mosque thing?” After careful thought and a long sigh he added, “one fifth of America are [expletive deleted]ing idiots.”

“Oh, we’ve had a ton of indirect contact with WikiLeaks,” said a top Pentagon official. “Emails, Skype, IMs, texts, facebook pokes… Just nothing face-to-face.” He then turned to a younger man standing next to him and added, “that’s how it’s done. Just tell them you never had direct talks and that will throw them off the scent. But don’t give them all the information, because then they’ll send you a replacement to train for your position.”

“We just want to talk,” said a CIA agent. “We don’t want to bomb their headquarters, or negotiate the release of their family members for the rest of the information. We just want to talk.” He then coughed loudly in an attempt to cover the muffled screams from the other room. After a few extra coughs he added, “oh, excuse me. Sometimes my coughing sounds like women’s muffled screams.”

WikiLeaks also threatened to release “information that proves the Pentagon doubles as a gay club”, “evidence the White House made Hoffa into an android” and “proof that aliens created the pyramids.”

“All that information does is show our screw-ups,” said a General. “It’s not like you can’t read about those screw-ups in reports from embedded reporters, independent contractor eye-witness accounts, soldier’s stories, civilian’s stories or declassified reports. Whatever.”

“There’s no need to panic,” said a major egg provider. “Just know that the main ingredient in everything is tainted with a deadly disease and your children could die at any second.” He then lit a cigar and added, “I’m not worried, the egg industry is too big to fail.”

“Everything has eggs in it!” exclaimed a man at the supermarket. “This does! This does! Does this? Yes, it does! This does! Oh my God, so does this! All of this stuff does. This does. Even this! We can’t escape the deadly egg!” He swiped several more shelves clean before the supermarket guards tackled and choked him out.

The National Egg Council called the recall “troubling”, “just as we were making inroads to the 18 to 35 male market with our egg sponsored strip clubs” and “put your tops back on girls, the dream is over.”

“So how do we know which eggs are bad?” asked a mother as she scanned through the article. “Oh, here it is. That’s weird, why is the most important info at the bottom of the story?”

“That’s why I named my child ‘Cody Dakota Bryce,’” said a proud father. “Anyone with that kinda name is gonna do some pretty stupid stuff, so he’ll have to change it to Keith Worthington to get a middle-management, white collar job. After all, that’s the American dream!”

“That’s how I got out of jail,” said three-time alleged murder Sal Brickerson. “All you have to do is change your name when the jury trial starts, then when they say Ian Fiddleman is guilty, you say, but my name is Sal Brickerson. It’s fool proof!”

Google also suggests “filing off your fingerprints”, “a face lift, hair dye and a new accent would also help” and “stay off the grid for a few years and you’ll be just fine.”

“Well, you could refrain from boasting on your Facebook page,” said a teen. “Or you could change the settings to private. Or you could just not have a Facebook page. How did you guys get away with stuff and still get decent jobs? You didn’t publicly announce what a degenerate you were? So you used Friendster as a social network?”

“The only way we’re going to settle this debate is to round up all of those with an opposing view and jail them,” said the Speakers aide. “If we have to round up all of those who protest that action, we will do so. The world won’t be right until everyone thinks like us. Sieg!” After a moment he added, “come on. You’re supposed to Heil.”

“We would have ignored the issue and just bought the land through a dummy corporation,” said a Republican. “Don’t the Democrats have billions from campaign fundraising? Well, what’d they spend it on? Okay, they bought political power, so why not use it? Hell, I just don’t get it.”

The Pentagon issued a statement earlier today, warning “all those who oppose us will suffer”, “her words, not ours” and “we’ve been authorized to use whatever means necessary to change your minds. She suggested we make vague threats, but we’re just gonna use the drones.”

“And we’re the nutjobs?” shouted a Tea Party protester. After looking at his sign, which read ‘bloody revolution now!’ he added, “okay, besides the sign, the Speaker is nuttier than I am.” After we pointed out the Congress building effigy they were planning to burn during the rally he added, “okay, besides the burning, she’s just as nutty as us. That’s not good.”