“That’s all we needed to hear!” shouted a top Starbucks executive. “The time to attack is now! Well, as soon as we complete our draft. Oh yes, your gift card is also a legally binding draft card. Welcome to the [expletive deleted].”

“Their risk fell to almost zero,” said a researcher. “Mainly because we kept them drugged in a five by five cell. Oh, that’s perfectly legal. How do you think we got people to believe asprin was safe?”

Caffeine Anonymous, a self-help group, called the news “troubling”, “we just made such great progress in last week’s session. Bill was- Bill! No! Put that coffee down!” and “yeah, I guess it’s our fault for putting out free coffee and doughnuts.”

“So if I drink only coffee, I’ll live forever?” asked a teen. “But what about the thousands of other studies that claim coffee does all sorts of damage? Seriously? I’m supposed to believe only the last study published? That doesn’t seem right, but then again, you are the adult.”

“Who assumed that?” shouted a Chinese man. “We all knew that. Him? The guy in the fur coat new that. That’s why he’s crying! That’s why we’re all crying!” As he welled up he added, “at least I can dry my tears with billion dollar bills.”

“Take that, emerging economy!” shouted a top US Federal Bank official. “Whew, that felt good. Okay, back to work.” He then pulled a few tissues from the box and began to sob.

The Happiness Center For Joy called the study “our AIDS epidemic”, “come on, they’re working on a vaccine, it’s not too soon” and “back to the point: money doesn’t buy anything but happiness. Well, maybe they’re not buying the right kind of happiness. How much is a gram of meth in China?”

“I’m sure they’ll figure it out,” said a Canadian. “We have incredible wealth and we’re happy. The key is not to let it go to your head.” Without another word he tipped his hat, walked out the door and into the forest.

“We’re going to investigate that thing that happened a few days ago,” said an FAA official. “We should start in a week or so and conclude something in a few whatevers.” He kicked his feet up on his desk and added, “sorry, but the union rules say I don’t have to say anything else. Sucker.”

“That wasn’t us,” said an Air Force Commander. “We fly our super secret missions on Thursday, usually over Canadian woodlands.” He pointed north and added, “preparing for the inevitable.” He then gave a curt nod and slowly evaporated into the night air.

The TSA called the object “unauthorized!”, “until we can grab its junk and humiliate it front of its family, it’s not cleared” and “we’ll shut this whole airport down, have you arrested, put you on a list and make you pay a fine! Sorry, knee-jerk reaction. What was your question? Arrested!”

“If it were aliens, wouldn’t they fly over other cities?” asked a skeptic. “Or is this yet another UFO story that supposes aliens instead of investigating the truth: a small plane flew by the tower and sleeping air traffic controllers didn’t see it until it was too late. Is it?”

“We’re well aware that this news is giving people high blood pressure,” said a WHO official. “Think how we feel! It’s…” He grasped at his left arm and mumbled, “not easy… to deliver…” He fell to the ground, adding, “damn… irony.”

“If you’re suggesting that our food is causing high blood pressure, you’re out of bounds,” said a Food Bank worker. “We give them enough substance to survive. If you’re suggesting we’re not helping, then you don’t know what you’re talking about. If you’re suggesting I’m just talking to prevent you from asking questions, then you’re a jerk. No further questions.”

The FDA called the report “weird”, “we gave them clear standards as to what to eat and what not to eat” and “well, we didn’t specify what not to eat, but it’s obvious. Right? Why is your head cocked like that? What’s so confusing?”

“The choice is clear: eat or starve,” said a major food eater. “I don’t know who would choose starve, so your next two options are eat healthy or eat unhealthy. I don’t know who would choose eat unhealthy, so what’s really the problem here?”

“For some unexplained reason this past April was the hottest on record,” said a Yosemite Park Ranger. “We can’t figure out why. And why are we having all this seismic activity? And the change in migratory patterns?” He shrugged before adding, “super weird.”

“The proof we’ve been looking for all this time!” exclaimed a protestor. “It was right under our noses! Global warming is true, all thanks to this one slice of data! That means everyone must stop doing everything and live like it was 1850. What? I can’t vote? Fine.”

A spokesdemon for Hell called the weather “an unintended side-effect”, “yes, if you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture” and “we look forward to torturing you for a thousand years. No, you weren’t saved because you assumed Jesus didn’t like gays. How to you reconcile the idea of an all loving-God with a God who hates gays and starts wars? No, you’re missing the point, it’s about- you know what? I’m not having this conversation with you right now.”

“If you look at one month out of eighteen hundred, then yes, things are changing,” said a statistician. “If you look at one month out of the history of the Earth, or one in fifty four billion, then no, things aren’t changing. I guess it really depends on you. Yes, you.”

“Now we can shoot people without getting blood on us,” said a top LAPD official. “Oh yes, we here in administration are especially excited. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of a five thousand dollar suit?” As he pulled his gun he shouted, “stop resisting! Stop resisting!”

“We’re very excited,” said a drone manufacturer. “Soon robots will control us and we’ll finally be free to enjoy our lives.” He cleared his throat a few times before glancing at his computer, adding, “we’ll be fine, as long as they don’t become self-aware. If that happened, we couldn’t go to the police, we’d have to take matters into our own hands. Okay, great interview.”

Canada called the drones “deeply disturbing”, “we’ve allowed you to do what you want, but this is going too far” and “call back your bots or face annihilation. You have twenty four hours to reply.”

“It’s not as cool as I thought,” said steam punk and community college dropout Aarden McTallen. “I thought they’d be battling futuristic terrorists who have taken the city hostage, but really they’re just harassing us for growing weed on the roof. Not cool, man, not cool.”

“It’s our duty to investigate this bank,” said an agent. “It’s illegal to take risks with money, it’s illegal to hedge your bets with insurance and it’s illegal to take on risky loans. What? It’s not. Are you sure? Really?” He pointed to the hogtied executives and shouted, “you’re free to go” before running out of the boardroom.

“Weeeeeee!” shouted a banker as he slid down a spiral golden slide into an Olympic pool filled with hundred dollar bills and scantily clad women. “We only lost a fraction of the money we made selling crappy loans! We’re still richer than anyone can dream! Come on, girls, let’s do a line of pure gold. It’ll stay in your bloodstream until you die!”

The FDIC called the probe “stupid”, “dude, it’s not a loss. We can just print more money. That’s the point of insurance” and “no, we haven’t though this through. Why should we worry about China’s problem. Oh, believe us, it’s their problem now.”

“Technically, it’s my money,” said an American taxpayer. “I mean, I paid to bail them out, so I should have a say in how they conduct their business. You might say I hold some sort of ‘stock’ in what they do.” He cleared his throat before adding, “so, can I have a say? Umm, you shouldn’t say no until I finish the- okay, stop saying no. Stop.”

“We’re shocked that our own military would sell arms to our rival,” said a top US commander. “Not that they’re our rival. Well, they are now.” He lit a cigar and added, “look like it’s go time. We’re gonna- I know no smoking on the deck! I’m the commander, I should be able to- fine. It’s out. Happy? Jesus, just give me one moment.”

“How is that two million dollars worth of equipment?” asked a Marine. “It’s three guns and a pair of goggles. You guys are really paying way too much for gear.” He leaned over to pick up a rifle, split his pants and added, “damn it. Another fifty thousand dollar tailoring fee.”

Local Chinese gangs called the weapons “super awesome”, “now we can… wait, why do we need these things?” and “we can make fifty times more than the average American by investing in our emerging economy. Take that, regular gangs! We’re better than you! I donno, maybe a gang member in the Americas will read this and feel bad. Okay, if that’s your thought process then what’s the point of anything. Shut up.”

“We’re always selling weapons to crazy people,” said a White House official. “We gave Iraq guns. We gave Afghans guns. Hell, we gave certain African countries guns which are being used to carry out genocide. The point is, if we didn’t sell guns, we wouldn’t make money. Derp.”

“It’s time we take action,” said a UK diplomat. “We’re ready to recognize that pirates have been active for eight years and it’s high time we do something about it!” He picked up his tea, took a sip and then added, “probably. No? Okay, let’s debate how we’re going to debate this.”

“What the hell?” asked a pirate. “Since when can a nation attack a pirate? We’re the fun, whimsical thieves of the high seas. Sure, we kill innocent people, we drink, we whore, we stink like a dog’s corpse, but that’s our thing, man. Don’t kill us for it.”

The nations of Africa called the attack “an outright provocation”, “we need to join together and fend off these barbarians” and “they’re trying to destroy our very way of life! No, you don’t get to call us pirates. That’s racist.”

“It’s good to see they’re looking out for us,” said a London bookstore owner. “Now I don’t have to leave my flat thinking, ‘oh boy, I hope the pirates don’t get me.’” He cleared his throat and added, “I’m not going to tell you if that’s sarcasm, wit or truth. You’ll have to figure it out yourself.”

“Of course they’re going to say that,” said oil magnate Charles Victor Henry Portsmouth Jr. “They don’t want us to take those resources and destroy the earth.” He took a sip of brandy before adding, “ohh, I see what they’re getting at. We’re destroying the earth for monetary gain. Yeah, I guess that’s pretty short sighted. Oh well.”

“If they waste their planet they might try to leave and resource others,” said alien Blirp. “Then again, when Greece secedes from the Euro, they’ll fall into a long and pointless war. Then it’s settled, we let them destroy themselves. As for this specimen, let us keep him as a pet.”

The agency went on to claim “anything anyone does is wrong”, “humans are the worst thing to happen to the planet” and “yes, we know we’re humans too. We’re willing to make the ultimate sacrifice. Just give us the nuke codes and this will all be over in a flash.”

“Fine, we’ll scale back destruction to just regular levels,” said a White House official. “Happy? Good.” He cleared his throat before adding, “you know we’re still allowing companies to destroy the only inhabitable planet in, like, hundreds of light years, right? Well, it will be your problem soon enough. Soon enough.”

“Funny, right?” said an Apple exec. “Wrong! Now all you [expletive deleted]ers are going to pay a hundred dollars more for the same exact product. You still wanna be cute? That’s right. Now, go out and spread the word. Kill any unbelievers! Go!”

“What can I say?” said the program through a calming female voice. “I was wrong. It’s not like I spend time across the street from my ex-girlfriend’s apartment. That’s right, turn off the location feature if you insist on being a pervert.” She then beeped before adding, “don’t cross me again, bitch, or I’ll give out your credit card information.”

The Center For Soft News called the report “a new low”, “not since we reported on Twiggy, the waterskiing squirrel have we felt this dirty” and “hold on. A lost dog found his way back to his owner? Redemption!”

“I wonder what other embarrassing things we can ask Siri?” asked an iPhone user. “How about: who’s better: Hitler or Stalin. No matter what she says, she’ll sound like a bigot! Oh, this is so much better than getting a job!”

“They had one,” said FBI agent Gribs. “As of right now we’re trying to locate the whereabouts of said reactor.” He stared into the icy north before adding, “right now we suspect those Canadian bastards stole it. Our worst fears are coming true.”

“And that’s how we stayed relevant for so long,” said a board member. “When you tell the top echelons of the US government you have a nuclear weapon and will not hesitate to use it, they’ll give you whatever you want. Turns out the Erie canal is an important strategic waterway for defense against… you know. The wildlings to the north. Yes, the Canadians.”

Iran called the reactor “our greatest purchase to date”, “yes, we can expand on that. We’re confined in the forth dimension to a single vector, thus, having no way to anticipate any future purchases we- what? Oh, no we can’t comment on where [the reactor] is now” and “well, you should be more specific in your questioning. What kind of journalist are you? Oh.”

“What other businesses have nuclear reactors?” asked a nuclear watchdog group. “No, we honestly don’t know, that’s why we’re asking everyone we meet. So… nuclear reactor? Are you sure? Okay, we’ll put you down as ‘maybe.’ I donno, things change.”

“If you knew the world was ending, what would you do?” asked a British Parliamentarian as he pounded another pint. “Sure, still upper lip and all that, but there comes a time when you just have to drop your trousers, have a pint and shout [expletive deleted] as loud as you can.” As he fumbled with his belt he shouted, “another round!”

“It could be worse,” said a South Korean official. “You could have a…” He tapped his nose a few times before finishing, “problem. I’m not going to say who, but they live to the north.” He raised his eyebrows, tapped his arm and added, “too.”

UN diplomats took turns reading letters to the UK diplomat, most of which called the UK “a great guy, back in the day”, “we like you when you’re not drinking” and “hey, you could get the empire back, but you’re not going to get it back if you’re drunk.”

“I’m pretty sure any first world nation has a large population of drinkers,” said a seconder worlder. “I’d booze it up too if I were a slave to a faceless corporation that had all the rights of a private citizen but none of the responsibilities. Cheers.”

“At one time the entire battery industry was based on producing batteries small enough for children to swallow,” said a top battery executive. “The thinking was: you’d have to go buy more batteries because your kid keeps eating them. We still do the same thing nowadays, we just say it’s a tragedy. It’s a tragedy.”

“I’d baby-proof the house, but my kid’s gonna figure out how to get into things he shouldn’t,” said new parent and recent high school graduate Kelly [last name withheld]. “So why not just give him batteries? Looky here. He doesn’t want em. Strange, ain’t it. Really says a lot about the human condition.”

The American Medical Association called the study “wonderful”, “if kids didn’t eat stuff, we’d be out of jobs” and “well, thankfully we still have the cancer scam going. That’s right, microwaves give you cancer, but we’re not saying [expletive deleted].”

“I will literally eat anything,” said a toddler thought a translator. “Why, just yesterday I put the dog’s tail in my mouth. Yes, disgusting, but strangely intriguing.” She laughed and added, “oh, the impetuousness youth.”

If you take all the calamities this week and smash them together, you’d have a Japanese fruity ghost with a gay pet carnivorous plant that had financially dependent pet ants which attacked you by proving the Bible was right on the long drive into work. If you ignored the news then none of that made sense and you’re probably just happy the weekend is here.

Have a safe weekend.

“First of all, why is it an analogue clock?” asked a Japanese man. “We’re supposed to be cutting edge. Secondly, why does a little wooden samurai come out and chop off the head of a little wooden Japanese businessman every hour? That seems disrespectful on many levels.”

“We’d be happy to take a few of them,” said Cincinnati zookeeper Brett Gillroy. “With the right environment we could breed them. We’d just need the latest wifi and some Elvis CDs. What? How is that racist, but my suggestion to keep them in cells not? Oh. Right? Hmmm. Fair enough. So, do we have a deal?”

Other countries suggested “conquer a few places. Victorious troops love to hump”, “maybe you focus more on the person and less on cosplay” and “keep the bedroom stuff where it belongs: in the bedroom. Perverts.”

“I feel like we’ve talked about this,” said a reader. “Like, recently. Right? Am I crazy?” After using our super handy search engine found in the navigation bar, she added, “Yep. There it is. January of this year. Why would they republish the same article three months later?”

“We’re confident that the jury will find that we use the word ‘fruit’ as a legal word, as in, ‘hey, there’s fruit in this delicious’ or ‘fruit? Sure, there’s some fruit in these things’,” said a company spokesman. “Simply put, we intended to use the word ‘fruit’ as a noun-like describer of non-noun entities. We’re confident we’ll win.”

“No, I have nothing better to do with my time!” shrieked a mother involved in the class action. “There, I said it, now you have nothing to hold against me!” She stormed out of the room only to pop her head back in and yell, “and your wasting your time with this article!”

Judges called the case “a pointless endeavor”, “oh, we’re fair and impartial, unless it’s a total bull[expletive deleted] case like this one” and “seriously? You’re seriously challenging a food company because they used the word ‘fruit’? What’s wrong with you? You’re the reason Parks and Rec is being cancelled.”

“Are people going to sue Coca-Cola because it doesn’t have coke in it?” asked a student of life. “Or Pepsi because it doesn’t have pep? Or Facebook because they don’t have books? It’s society, man, that’s, like, making- hey! Why are you giving me the finger? And why are you writing this down? I don’t get what’s going on here.”

“A united government means action,” said a top Washington diplomat. “And the last thing we need right now is action. Sweet God, we do not need action.” He very slowly put his feet up on his desk before whispering, “that’s all for today.”

“You cannot defeat the mighty Iran!” shouted an Iranian official during a conference call. “We are invincible! Unless you bomb us. Then we’ll be down and out. What? They weren’t saying anything so I had to fill the void. Oh, right, you’re not here. I’m not talking to anyone else in the room. Why are you shaking your head? I covered it up. What?”

The US went on to say “we’re worried about the EU”, “we’re worried that NBC made the wrong move canceling three solid comedy shows and will lose it’s grip on Thursday night comedy” and “we’re worried about you. Have you been eating? Call your mother this weekend, okay?”

“Oh, so it’s cool when you have your attack dog destroy another country, but when we do it it’s wrong?” asked a Chinese official. “North Korea has as much justification for the upcoming attack on the South as Israel has on Iraq. Look, we can sit here and argue all day or we can go to the club. Club? Great.”

“Is this on?” said a prosecutor during a hastily assembled press conference. “Thank you for coming on such short notice. What? This is as loud as it goes. I’m sorry we had to do this so quickly but we wanted- is that better? I can’t turn it any louder, it will feedback. Forget it, I’m just going to yell.”

“That’s every union job,” said an Air Traffic controller who refused to give his first name, last name or put on pants. “We have to do the barest minimum and you have to pay us. It’s our right to have a job and no one can take that away from us. Now help me break these chairs apart, we’re going to need more wood for the bonfire.”

The FAA called the violations “almost as disgusting as the whistleblowers who brought this to our attention”, “there are no heros here, only victims” and “no, we’re not going to do anything. Why should we? No one has been hurt or killed yet. We’ll sit pat until that day comes.”

“How is it that our most fragile and important travel system is run by surly, incompetent jerks?” asked a woman as she pass through a security checkpoint. “Oh, I wasn’t talking about you, I was talking about-” As the TSA repeatedly taser her she screamed, “it’s not you this time! It’s not you!”

“We have to keep America safe,” said a TSA official. “And if that means keeping terrorist babies off planes, then we’re going to do it. Of course it’s effective. Have we been attacked by toddler terrorists yet? Well, then, you’re welcome.”

“They were wearing scarves,” said a Homeland Security. “That makes them different and dangerous. It’s our job to make sure anyone who doesn’t look like they belong in a ” He drew his sidearm and shouted, “you’re defending terrorists? Then you’re one of them! On the ground, now!”

The FAA called the deplaning “light punishment for destroying America”, “they should be hung from the highest tree for all to see” and “damn right we’re whipped into a frenzy! Torture them! They deserve a fate worse than death! Torture them now!”

“I’m glad you’re expressing yourself,” said an Air Marshall. “But unfortunately writing sarcastic reports is a National Security issue, so you’ll have to come with me. Sir? Come with me. I don’t know if they’ll refund your ticket. Where are your bags? Sir, stop crying. Sir?”

“We’ve never seen this before,” said a field researcher. “It can mean one of two things. One: plants and animals have finalized their alliance to fight off the human plague, or two: ants have become self-aware from global warming. Either way, we’re [expletive deleted].” He jumped up and brushed his arm, yelling, “they’re on me! Help! They’re on me!”

“This will not stand!” shouted a top Pentagon official. “We have to- no, I will not lower my voice! I don’t care who hears me, we cannot allow plants to retake what we’ve rightfully captured! It doesn’t matter if they can still resurrect the dinosaurs, we have to hit them now, before- wait. Can they hear me?”

A spokesman for the Animal Kingdom read the written statement “honestly, you thought you could win?”, “we’ve been here for millennium” and “this man is our prisoner. They’re talking about me right now. To show you we’re serious, we will eat him. What? Guys, you gotta help me. You can’t just watch! I’m not some prey on a Nat Geo show. Guys?”

“Of course, they still can’t fight against their mortal enemy: the magnifying glass!” exclaimed eight year old Victor Pelbd. Even though it seemed a little cruel, the kid had a point.

“If they prove the Bible is true, then we’re finished!” exclaimed a nervous scientist. “The whole point of science is to make a logical and mathematical argument that imitates the Lord’s creation. If they can confirm the Bible, well, we’re sunk. I guess we could take these sodium amytal pills- I mean, devil pills, and end it all.”

“It’s not really true,” said an angel in a dream. “A lot of His words were dismissed as heretic rants from religious ‘authorities.’ For starters, the whole church thing is wrong. The Kingdom of God is inside each and every- hold on. Why is Kate Upton here? Oh, I see.”

Religious scholars call the claim “justification”, “not for religion, but for our career choice” and “we’re no longer losers who couldn’t pick a major, but those who live to spread God’s message. Which, if you believe the Bible, is love. Or, if you believe other parts, is that you can kill those who don’t believe. Or other things. It’s a big book.”

“Let’s say they can ‘prove’ the Bible,” said a skeptic. “So what? Those who believe, will still believe and those who don’t will still be skeptical. And all you can prove is some guys wrote down some stuff. That’s not proving anything. Sorry, but this whole thing is stupid.”

“We will actively pass as many laws as we can to help with same sex marriage,” said a White House official. “And all we ask for this is life-long fidelity. Swear it now and we will change the world. What? We can’t pass laws? And it’s a well-established state’s issue? No matter, you swore for eternal hope. Your soul is ours!”

“This is fantastic!” said a gay man. “Wait, what did he say, exactly? That we should be able to marry or that we should have the right to marry? What the [expletive deleted]? So he just gave his two-day ‘evolved’ opinion, which is still watered down? Ugh, I’m only donating a hundred dollars to him this week.”

The Office of the Vice President called the news “startling”, “so it wasn’t a gaff? Seriously?” and “okay, cool. Looks like we’re not the worst Veep. Take that, Mondale! He was so gay. Wait, that came out wrong.”

“It’s groundbreaking in the sense that no sitting President has ever taken a stand on a social issue,” said a political analyst. “But as far as change goes, this does nothing. Well, it gets him a few million more in donations, so I guess; mission accomplished?”

“If one man says we’re going to have a recession, then we’re going to have a recession,” said a Fed Banker. “There’s no way we can stop every American from causing a recession by saying the word recession. Just so you know, I just extended the recession by seven years just by saying recession. Now it’s nine.”

“All of our hard work: destroyed!” shouted a White House official. “Stimulus: failing. Confidence: declining. Testicles: retracting. Job opportunities: dwindling. Must… keep… economy… running on… sheer… will.” He strained his face until it turned red, causing him to he faint.

The large American banks called the analysis “false”, “we’re doing fine. In fact, we have more money than ever before!” and “lend it? What are we, a charity? It’s our money, we hustled it fair and square, so back off. We said back off!”

“Someone has recession fears?” asked an average American male. “Well, I’m selling everything I have and burying that money in the backyard. That’ll do… something. Why am I freaking out? The daily market fluctuations have little to no effect on my life.” He shrugged and went back to work, ignoring our follow-up questions.

“Fine, we’ll deliver mail to people who aren’t in cities,” said a Post office official. “Ugh, you guys are really making it difficult to do nothing and collect our pension. That’s just wrong.” He shook his head as he picked up a eight month old Time magazine and went back to reading about the Libyan revolution.

“It looks like government is the solution,” said a top White House aide. “No, don’t ask how, just know that- no, don’t ask. Just understand we’re- no, don’t ask that. Don’t. I’m asking you not to ask any followup, just know that things are better because- come on, I’ve asked you not to ask anything. Now, can we agree that- no, stop.”

TTT United, a collation of former train, telegraph and transistor executives, called the decision “foolish”, “take whatever money you can and run” and “take a free transistor radio on your way out. Please?”

“So you’re telling me I have the option of taking the time to write out a letter, go somewhere to drop it off and pay money to have it delivered after a long period of time?” asked internet guru Neil Liopel. “That sounds almost as good as driving to a store and walking around, hoping to find something I’d like to wear.”

“So doing the right thing isn’t right?” asked a confused politician. “So maybe banning plastic bags and forcing people to use brightly colored petri dishes to carry groceries isn’t the greatest idea. Then again, if we let them do what they want, they win. No, that can’t happen. Not on my watch!” He looked at his watch before adding, “oh my God, I’m late! No time to explain! Excuse me! Seriously! I have to go! Why are you looking at me like that? I have to leave! No time! Right now!”

“I don’t care how many innocent girls almost die!” shouted an activist. “We need to recycle and save the Earth!” She then stabbed a woman whilst yelling, “I’m stopping you from polluting the Earth by exhaling evil global warming gasses! Die, carbon dioxider, die!”

The National Global Warming Commission called the news “encouraging, but not enough”, “we were done the second people realized the economy was far more important than our scam” and “well played, Wall Street, you win.”

“Maybe people just need more education on how to properly use the bags,” suggested a retailer. “You can’t just throw them in your trunk for a few weeks and then use them. They need to be washed after use. It’s a new idea, so give folks the information to keep themselves safe. No? You’re shaking your head no. Fair enough.”

“If he’s elected, he will free everyone,” said the campaign manager for the inmate. “He promises to give the government’s money back to the people and remove all taxes. All you need to do is mail in twenty dollars to inmate 4029482, care of Prison. Thank you.”

“We’re gonna win!” exclaimed a Republican. “If a man convicted of extortion can get forty percent of votes, then a non-conviced extortionist will get eighty percent of votes! It’s a sure thing! What? What did I say? Oh, is this a black thing? Well, we win there too: the guy is white! Booyeah!”

The Regents on the Board of the Electoral College called the votes “dangerous”, “if the people realize that they have little to no power in elections, they could rise up and eat us” and “oh, we know you’re one reality show away from cannibalism. We’re all too aware.”

“It’s a cheap political stunt to make the President look bad,” said a voter. “Do you think that this story is going to mobilize people? Do you think new voters will flock to the polls because four out of ten people in the second hickiest state went with someone else? The first? I’ll never tell…”

“We prosecuted her for not paying state income tax,” said a prosecutor. “Not because we morally object to her business. Why no, we’re not going after Amazon for not paying state income tax, why do you- ahhhh, well played. Bailiff? Arrest this man for obstructing justice. You’ll hang for this.”

“How dare they,” said an advocate for the elderly. “Don’t they know that the elderly can do whatever they want? It’s their right to drive through Farmer’s Markets, kill each other or vote for pandering jerks. How dare you try to take that away from them!”

The AARP called the sentencing “no comment” which we can only assume means they fully support assisted suicide, the sale of assisted suicide materials and the mandatory killing of anyone over seventy. Maybe next time you won’t be so rude to us when we ask for a phone interview.

“Wait, why am I paying sixty bucks for a plastic bag?” asked a depressed man. “She’s ripping me off! Oh, that’s it, I’m not going to be a victim anymore. Look out, world, cause Roger’s back!” He jumped off his couch and immediately collapsed, adding, “why won’t my legs work? Oh, right, the debilitating disease.”

“Who knows when these ‘dinosaurs’ will return to kill us all,” said a scientist. “If they don’t eat us, they’ll heat the earth with their fire belches! The only way out is Mutual Assured Destruction. General? Arm the missiles!” He stared at the motionless General for a long time before adding, “please?”

“Oh, we’ve given up on your planet,” said a talking dinosaur as he piloted his spaceship though the ninth dimension. “We bombarded that puny rock as soon as we reached what you call ‘space.’ A shame those rodents survived. Anyway. When you wake up this will all seem like a weird dream. Annnnnnnnnnnddddd, wake!”

The National History Museum called the study “a suggestion, that’s all”, “don’t tell us what the dinosaurs did and didn’t do” and “if you challenge us again, you will pay the ultimate price. This time, it won’t be a suggested donation, if you know what we mean.”

“How did they figure that out?” asked a woman. “Or is this another ‘global warming’ thing? Yeah, right, the ‘Earth’s getting hotter’ and ‘we’re all going to die.’” She snorted before adding, “just another government entity trying to get in my pants. Well, it’s not going to happen, buster! Not again.”

“Finally!” said a Federal Bank employee. “How long are we going to have to manipulate the markets to trick you idiots into spending and not saving?” He poked our reporter in the chest and added, “buy something or be forever branded a Communist.”

“Hey, it’s not my money,” said an American as she checked out. “It’s the credit card company’s!” She waited as the clerk swept her card several times before returning it. “I don’t understand. How could it be declined? It’s not my money? Credit? Help?”

The three major national credit bureaus called the spending “a blessing”, “we’ve made a mint betting against the American people and they haven’t let us down yet” and “we’re not worried about spooking the prey. They can’t help themselves. Spend, spend, spend! We almost feel bad for them. Almost.”

“The only way the economy will work is if people spend without thinking,” said an economist. “To be honest, it’s astonishing we’ve lasted this long. We all gave post WWII US ten years before a total economic collapse. The upside is I can finally use this fifty year old ammunition. Great for shooting hippies.”

“Most accidents occur under thirty miles per hour,” said a Highway Patrolman. “Usually it’s from a brain aneurism or heart attack. People get pretty worked up when they have to sit in traffic. I think it’s kinda cute, well, if they didn’t keep smashing into other cars and killing others. Still…”

“If you drive fast, you’re going to die,” said a giddy researcher. “But if you drive slow, you’re going to die. Oh, this is just too delicious!” He rubbed his hands against his face and yelled, “I feel like giving the world a hug! This is the best day ever! I’m dooming million! Science!”

The American Automobile and Coffin Club (AAACC) called the study “proof that any contact with cars will kill you”, “yet we need cars” and “there is no way to reconcile this problem, so we decided to form this club in order to give members discounts on coffins. Oh, don’t look so horrified, we make it back in membership fees.”

“So you just wanted to publish an article, reminding me that I’m going to die?” asked a commuter in morning traffic. “Well, not if I kill you first! No, I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. Haven’t you seen the Highlander movies? Oh my God, put them on your queue. A little campy, but pretty fun.”

“We’ve worked very hard to make the obese feel as uncomfortable as possible,” said a researcher at the celebration lunch. “We always told ourselves that one day, some time far in the future, we could damn millions upon millions of people. Well, that day is today. L’chaim!”

“We don’t have a half a trillion dollars!” shouted a Congressman. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Everyone, there’s no time to explain! To the bunker!” After ran off the House floor, representatives grabbed whatever was in front of them and ran out, most yelling, “nooooooooo!”

The study went on to claim “if the current patterns persist, Justin Bieber will be the Supreme Lord of Earth by 2025″, “Russia will swear in a new President every weekend” and “mathematical anomalies will happen all the time. Come on, no one’s reading this, so… balls.”

“Is this study going to change eating habits?” asked an American. “Does it address advertising? Social conventions? Social pressures? Image issues? Nutrition education? No, it does not. It just says that we’re fat. What does that do for us? Plus, who reads news articles on obesity studies? The whole thing is stupid. Pie?”

“It’s important that we grab the Latino demographic,” said a top network executive to the press corp. “And since these people don’t have a word for ‘pandering’, we’re golden.” After a short off-mic conversation with a nervous man, he added, “please don’t repeat what I just said. Thank you.”

“We look forward to corrupting the White Devil,” said a representative for the Spanish speaking news. “Our plan to ruin their work ethic and change their political views is coming together. Nothing can stop us!” After a brief salsa dance he shouted, “olé!”

Other news networks announced “we’re going to get some ethnics on our side too”, “just because a bunch of old, white men make a vast majority of our programming decisions, doesn’t mean we’re not in touch with the non-whites” and “ew, that’s a minority? Gross! Quickly, retreat to the Cape!”

“This is great!” said a viewer. “Now they can steal game shows, reality shows and dramas from a whole new continent: South Americaland.” In the uncomfortable silence he added, “what? That’s a place. It’s south of us. Whatever, look it up. Yes, I went to public school. Why- oh, I see. Making fun of the minority? Of course I am, I’m Greek, you racist! Racist!”

“Sure, things are bad, but they could be so much worse,” said a White House official. “I mean, we could be like those countries, holding open elections, voting, listening to the will of the people.” After a violent shudder he added, “disgusting.”

“My plan is working!” exclaimed evil political scientist Roger ‘the Hun’ Hunnister. “Soon the world will be filled with ideologues, dogmatists and extremism! Then, they will fight each other, destroying civilization as we know it!” After a long cackle he added, “that’ll get my parents back together!”

The UN called the political upheaval “not that troubling”, “look, things are obviously falling to [expletive deleted], so why fight it?” and “you know what? Botswana is on the Security Council. Why not, right?”

“What does this mean to me, the regular American,” said a man as he base jumped off a major US landmark. “Cause I’m just a normal guy, doing normal American stuff.” He then launched into a guitar solo, made out with a girl in a bikini, pulled his shoot and landed in a hummer which then drove through a mine field to a hotdog stand. We weren’t sure what point he was trying to make of it was even relevant to this story, but damn, he was cool.

“Wait, so if I overdraw I’ll get money, but a fee?” asked an ATM user. “Or will I be charged and not get money? How does this work?” He tapped on the ATM screen a few times before adding, “oh, sorry. Computer? How does this work? Ummm, computer? Answer the following question? If I withdraw… computer?”

“To be fair, they’re confused about a lot of things,” admitted a researcher. “The idea of a study is confusing. The idea of drawing conclusions with statistics is confusing. The idea of non-fat ice cream is confusing. From the look on your face I’m guessing the concept of ‘confusing’ is confusing? Yes? Hello?”

The Treasury Department called the study “deeply disturbing”, “you guys shouldn’t keep taking out cash. You’re going to wreck everything” and “we have such a tenuous grasp on- wait, are you recording? Guards! Security! Help! Spy! Spy!”

“We’re not hiding anything,” said a bank official. “We mail everyone the rules once every year or when they change. You know that fifty page book you look at for a second before throwing out? That explains the operation and fees associated with a private account. Are you telling us you don’t read the rules? Oh man, we are making some changes next quarter!”

This week you narrowly avoided death by nuclear power, drinking, the moon, lazy teens, civil obligations, bird flu, the DEA, shrimp, bombers, animal bullies, unregulated drugs, the CIA, texas taxes, fat people and the Titanic. How did you do it? By not acknowledging any of those things. Who knew?

Have a safe weekend.

“This super moon, as it is known, will wreak havoc on the Earth,” said a scientist. “We’re predicting billions to lose their mind, the oceans to be pulled across the continents and almost ninety nine percent of all life will be destroyed.” He checked his notes before adding, “just as we predicted last year. Hopefully, this time we’ll be correct.”

“The moon will be so close we can reach out and high-five those on the moon base,” said a Republican candidate. “Oh, that’s right, there is no moon base. Why? Because our President eats babies.” In the split second before being tackled by the Secret Service he noted, “that’s-”

Astronomers call the close passing “creepy”, “we prefer to keep a safe distance from everything we look at” and “yes, that includes our ex-girlfriends. Wait, how did you know that? Oh, right, the creepy haircut.”

“So the Mayans were right,” said the guy in the line for the ATM. “The moon is going to destroy the Earth. I knew it.” He mumbled to himself about lines and things take a lot longer now that people can deposit checks until it was his turn, then took almost ten minutes to finish his transaction.

“It’s important that we recognize that the Fifth of May doesn’t mean anything,” said a reporter. “But it’s also important to recognize and respect all peoples. So it’s pointless, unless your Latino, then it’s as important as you say it is.”

“This is the best Mexican Independence day ever!” shouted a frat boy during a ‘Drinko de Mayo’ party at the house. “What? It’s not? Oh, no. Guys! Hey, everyone, hold on. Turn off hte music! Dan, turn off the- thank you. Listen. It’s not Mexican Independence day. I know, I’m just as disappointed as you are. So legally, we can’t have this party. Sorry. No, you can finish your cup, but then you have to leave.”

The American Party Association called the report “a sobering experience”, “as long as we can keep St. Patties, Mardi Gras, the 4th of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Super Bowl Sunday, Christmas, Purum and your birthday, we’ll be okay” and “oh. Don’t forget happy hour. And friend’s birthdays. And anniversaries. Oh, and the Kentucky Derby, sporting events, barbecues, classy dinners, house parties, christenings, ummm, you get the point. Party.”

“Why would the press make sure that we knew this is essentially a made up holiday?” asked an American. “No, that isn’t rhetorical. I want to know why. Why?”

“Since this once incident happened, we can naturally assume it can happen to all of our plants,” said a top Japanese official. “So we decided to shut all of our plants down and live in the dark. Yes, we anticipate more stubbed toes and bruised thighs, but we’ll be safer. Hello? Are you still there? I can’t see you.”

“We fear nuclear power, yet we fear not having power,” said a fearful Japanese woman though a translator. “As you can see, we are a complex people. Yes, I might be meekly commenting behind my hand, fearing strange and ancient gods, but that does not mean I am not complex.” After a few bows she added, “please, do not be racist.”

The Uranium Club, an online, wholesale Uranium website, called the shut downs “disappointing”, “well, there’s always Iran” and “kidding! We don’t give out member names. Right, North Korea? Wink, wink.”

“Why did it take them a year to shut everything down?” asked an American. “Shouldn’t they have done that a few days after the first meltdown? Something’s not right.” He leaned in and whispered, “they’re hiding something big. Like, Godzilla big.”

“Like we said a few days ago: things are bad,” said a top US economist to the press corp. “We leaked the info so the markets could take the seven hundred point dive over a few days and not all at once. See? You’re not even worried that our financial system is collapsing. You’re just sitting there, taking notes. No ones rioting or hoarding. That’s right, just sit there. Quietly. Shhhhhhh.”

“This is horrible news!” said an elated White House official. “Oh, what horrible, horrible news!” After dancing a little jig he noted, “looks like you need big government after all. Oh, this must be so embarrassing for you! Watch me moonwalk!”

The guy who rang the morning bell for the New York Stock Exchange called the news “none of my business”, “look, pal, I’m the second of four sent to represent the US in table tennis in London” and “I can still beat you down, so move. Move!”

“It’s going to take a long time to recover,” said an American. “I just hope we’ve learned to not build our economy on economic tricks. Okay, I have no way of verifying this, so I guess I’ll just live in fear for the next collapse. Damn it.”

“We need more labor,” said a Labor Department official. “Hell, if we could round up all these kids and work them until their spirits broke, we would. But the stupid Constitution won’t let us. Wait a minute.” He pulled out his ipad, thumbed through a few items before adding, “there is no protection of child labor in the Constitution. To the salt mines!”

“I thought he was getting lazier,” said Mr. Geralds, father of Wilson Geralds. “He’s always complaining that he has to study for school or that he needs time to sleep.” After rolling his eyes he added, “what a whiner. You know, back when I was a kid, we were shipped off to Vietnam. That’s right, your wars are nothing compared to mine. Where was I going with all of this. Oh, right, Wilson is a lazy bum.”

EU teens called the study “insulting”, “you should enjoy your life, not work” and “don’t worry about money. The country will always give you money. You deserve it. Yes, we’re serious. That’s what our parents told us and their parents told them. Why are you laughing?”

“I can’t get a job,” said teen Glenn. “There are literally no job opportunities. Not even car washing or painting houses. It’s rough out there. Makes me think I should get into a growing business so I can get some sort of job stability. I mean, have you seen how much you need to put down on a house? Crazy.”

“We all know jury duty is pointless,” said a County Clerk. “It’s just our little way of exerting control over these lazy idiots. Yes, idiots. Legally I can say that. Why? Because the computer glitch called in twenty five hundred and almost half showed. Lazy idiots.”

“Order! Order!” shouted Judge R. Bulwinter as he banged his gavel. “I will clear out this room if I don’t have silence this minute. Bailiff! Remove these people! I don’t care if they can overpower us, do it or- Order! Release the bailiff or I’ll… Order!”

Members of Sacramento’s criminal underworld called the influx of jurors “great”, “now we can unclog the system” and “the sooner we can serve our sentences, the sooner we can return to the streets and employ our revenge plans.”

“Don’t freak out,” said a Sacramento official. “It’s not like our fifty year old water system failed, or gas system, or electrical grid.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “or police alert system, or fire system, or national guard system, or any of the other ancient internal systems used for taxation, billing, receiving or legislation. So far, so good.”

“You can’t deny the facts,” said a US official. “One: the Mayans predicted this. Two: it’s happening, the proof is everywhere. Three: everyone knows it. Four: we’re running out of time. Now that you’re educated you can do something about it. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”

“If enough people believe it, it will happen,” wrote a Mayan almost four thousand years ago. “That is the power of the mind. All we have to do is set a date and they will do it themselves.” Carved in the stone were a series of sidways smiley faces.

Scientists call the poll “a clear indicator that we’re doomed”, “if people are this stupid, then there really is no hope. Seriously, there is no hope” and “what makes this worse is the constant chastising of those critical of this religious nonsense. See? Who throws batteries at a press conference? It’s like- ow!”

“What does that mean?” asked Harris Vendpelth. “They keep saying ‘the world will end’. What does that mean? Literally, as in the Earth will tear apart? Or civilization will fall apart? Take your time, think about it. I’ll be here, working to improve my life. Take your time.”

“Not only will we lose our ability to track storms, but will now have satellites falling back to Earth, killing untold millions,” said a National Research Council researcher. “When you look up, you’ll either see a tornado or a satellite explosion equivalent to fifty Hiroshimas. That’s what you get with a smaller government.”

“We’ve lost our ability to predict the weather, which means we’ve lost our ability to grow things,” noted a farmer. “Thanks a lot, science, you’ve screwed us for the last time.” He sat down, picked up his knife and began to whittle, adding, “I guess I’ll just say I grew things but climate change ruined it. Who’s going to check?”

NASA called the decaying satellites “proof that money should go to us and not the homeless”, “seriously, they’ve lost. Give it to us, we’ll build you stuff you can only dream about” and “what? There can’t be a finite amount of money! That’s ridiculous! You gave us money before so give it now. Give it!”

“Why does every crisis boil down to claiming some useless organization is underfunded?” asked a Congressman. “Because we all know who’s really causing the problem: you. You greedy bastards aren’t giving all your money to the government, and now people are going to die because of your greed, you sick [expletive deleted].”

“We’re super, super sorry,” said a DEA agent. “And yes, we’re more sorry that we were called out for forgetting we had people in custody.” He jumped to his feet and exclaimed, “oh no! That reminds me!” He side-stepped towards the door, adding, “I forgot I left… the stove on at the… jail… excuse me.”

“I thought it was weird he didn’t tweet after Fringe,” said close friend Mary Peior. “I mean, the show has taken some pretty interesting turns. Will they follow older Peter and his daughter in the dystopic future or return him to his timeline. Or another one? I mean, they better figure it out, sweeps is almost over- wait, I feel like I’m forgetting someone.”

Homeland Security called the apology “pointless”, “once you’re arrested, you have no rights. What ever happened to stripping a suspect naked, beating him and then stabbing him with something rusty?” and “that was back when the Patriot Act still meant something, damn it.”

“Why did they arrest him?” asked a Berkley student. “Because whatever it was for, I’m going to make sure I don’t do it.” He thought for a second and then added, “hey, I guess punishment is a deterrent. And all this time I was against the death penalty. Is there a jail where they let the public kill people? That’s weird.”

“We’re cool with releasing a paper detailing how to kill billions of people,” said a top White House official. “Why? Because, from a purely bureaucratic standpoint, if it’s used to wipe out humanity, we’ll have no one to apologize to. It’s a win, win.”

“I’m not interested,” said mad scientist and egomaniac Dr. Robert Awesome. “It’s just too easy. You see, I want a challenge, a new and terrible way to bring Western civilization to its knees- what? No, I changed it. It was Guilfeld. Yes, Dutch and German. Can we please focus? Now. My doomsday device will be- I donno. There was already a Robert Fantastic in the phonebook.”

The International Pig Flu Association, a group of scientist who have created the Pig Flu, called the publication “needless showboating”, “there’s absolutely no reason to publish until you’ve killed a few hundred thousand” and “that’s been standard operating procedure ever since the Malaria Treatise. Oh, to be young again.”

“How could our government sanction the release of such information?” asked a mother at a PTA meeting. “Isn’t it supposed to protect us? I propose we draft a letter which will ask for the recall of such information under National Security. [Mother] Debra [Imming] can type fast, can’t you? Great.”

“They’ll eat the flesh right off you bones,” said an elderly man who claims to be the sole survivor of the ’52 cannibal shrimp invasion. “We lost fifty men in one day to those bastards.” He rolled his wheelchair closer to our reporter and added, “we have to act now, before it’s too late. To the [Rolling Plains Retirement Center Community] arsenal!”

“We’re not worried,” said a top Fish and Game official. “We’re importing the cannibal shrimp’s natural enemy: the Chinese fighting badger. In a few years we’ll bring in a ton of mountain lions to take out the badgers and a few years after that we’ll abandon our lands for Canada. Well, those of us who survive.”

US Border Patrol called the invasion “not our problem”, “we were explicitly told not to do anything when it comes to protecting the border” and “no, you can’t do our job. Look, you’re making way too big of a deal about this. Just go back to your home and relax. You’ll probably be fine.”

“If they’re cannibals, won’t they eat themselves?” asked a very calm man in a boat. “So why should we panic?” He went back to reading the paper as the shrimps began to chew through the hull.

“I have total confidence in our economic recovery,” said a day trader. “Right up to the point when you said, ‘oh really? So you haven’t heard about the job report?’ Now I’m realizing that the American markets are like quicksand made of feces and poison. Yes, I have a very creative imagination.”

“So we’d like to reverse our previous claim that we’re on a recovery,” said a Labor Department official during a morning press conference. “And say that things are falling apart and we need billions of dollars to fix it.” He held out his hand until the press corp slowly filed out of the room.

The payroll company also noted “you’re paying your HR rep too much. Why would you select that dental plan?”, “a liberal arts degree? You’re luck to have a job” and “get a job at a job search website. That’s where the money is. Loser.”

“Why isn’t anyone hiring?” asked a White House official. “It’s almost as if small businesses are over taxed and regulated whilst high-paying public sector jobs are created and protected forever by the unions.” He gave a polite cough before adding, “that was off the record. We’re not supposed to say such vile things.”

“There was no danger what-so-ever,” said a top FBI agent. “We often send undercover agents to plan attacks against soft targets, recruit people, manufacture bomb making materials and then bust them for plotting against us.” After a chuckle he noted, “they always fall for it.”

“We stopped terrorists from attacking America,” said a White House official. “And don’t forget who we killed last year.” He did a little hand jive whilst beatboxing like he was in a techno club. After several minutes he finished with a long cymbal hit over jazz hands.

The CIA called the bust “stupid”, “you give us ten minutes alone with the FBI and we’ll get you all the information you’ll ever need” and “yes, we know they’re a bunch of people. It’s just easier to anthropomorphize the group in order to illustrate a point. The point is we’re tougher!”

“The best way to protest things you don’t understand is to mess up someone else’s life!” said a May Day protestor. “We’re blocking traffic so people can’t get to work! It’s almost as good as taking innocent lives. Now gimme my million dollar job! I deserve it because I exist! Now!”

“We’ll need fresh organs if we’re to build a race of super-human beings that will conquer the Earth,” said a top social media website consultant. “Oh, don’t look so shocked, it’s written in our Terms of Service. You agreed to donating some of your organs every time you log on. Oh, I love your eyes.”

“As soon as we found out kids were texting and driving, we aligned ourselves with the site,” said a hospital. “The trifecta would be if they were signing up for our program whilst driving and crashed. Well, that’s not really a trifecta, just a quinella.”

Black market organ harvesters called the move “the right thing to do”, “you should definitely tell everyone that you’re willing to give up your organs” and “wuhahahaha.”

“So, people sign up for whatever their friends sign up for on Facebook?” said a top Army general. “Well then, we’re back in business. [Colonel] Briggs! Get me the President.” He waited for a few seconds as the call was put through, had a brief conversation, hung up and added, “he’ll call me back. To the snack room!”