“They’re worked up because we burned a book?” asked a top US General. “They haven’t found about about the massive killings and subsequent burning of thousands of bodies?” He cleared his throat and added, “excellent. Move to phase three!”

“Eh, we’re not that upset about the burning,” said a local man as he threw a brick through a window. “We just want to destroy things. I mean, the world is ending, so why should we give two [expletive deleted]s?” He kicked our reporter before shouting, “the Mayans were right! Repent!” That last line seemed super suspicious and after some digging we discovered our reporter was never in Kabul.

The Center For Religious Equality called the burning “no big deal”, “umm, we mainly work for Christian based religions, so…” and “Buddhist? Get the [expletive deleted] out of here, you piece of [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]ing hippie [expletive deleted].”

“We’d never get so worked up if someone burned something of ours,” said an American. “As long as it wasn’t our flag. Then I’d kill everyone associated with the burning, their family, their friends, their friends’ friends and their friends’ friends’ friends. Try me.”

“We’ve done it!” shouted a scientist to the press corp. “We’ve finally found a planet!” He looked down at his notes then added, “okay, this isn’t the first one. But it’s the first one with water!” After checking his notes again he added, “okay, that’s not true either. To be honest, I’ve called you all here today so you will accept the Lord as your personal savior.”

“Are they looking now?” asked space alien Fli Ter’bap to his second mate Yni Sa’Ji’Plll. “No, don’t look. Just tell me when they’re looking. Are they looking now? Well are they- oh my God. They’re looking. Act cool. What are you doing with your tentacles? Act cool!”

NASA called the discovery “tiresome”, “are we going to puff out our chests and parade around the observatory every time we find a new planet?” and “well then, we’re all going to need new sneakers. We’ll be submitting a revised budget in two weeks.”

“What does this mean for me, the average American,” shouted a man as he stuck his head out of the sunroof of a limo. As he sped away he shouted, “I really don’t care, I just made a few million by selling an app that does something seven other apps sell. I’m the greatest… [too faint to hear]“

“We will not rest until these thieves are brought to justice,” said a Federal Agent. As he pulled his feet off of his desk he added, “come on. I wasn’t being literal. Everyone needs to sleep, right? Then get out.”

“Who am I hurting, really?” asked an identity theft. “The big corporations who write off their crime? The people who are reimbursed? The big box stores who over charge for goods made overseas?” After a moment of thought he added, “I guess I am hurting all of those people, but what about me? Right? So… this is good. I donna, I really never considered the other people in the equation.”

The Center for Identity called the uptick in crime “a problem”, “no, we really can’t elaborate past that” and “we’re not the Center for Perspicacity, we’re the Center for Identity. Now, who are you? No, we don’t need any documents, just tell us. Oh, sorry, Mr. President!”

“That’s why I’m invisible,” said identity theft victim ‘Allan’ ‘Coats’ as he waved his hands around. “You can only hear me, right?” As the police officer shoved him in the back of the squad car he shouted, “so how did those showering women see me? Seriously, can you tell-” The rest of his sentence was cut off as the door was closed.

“What?” asked a shocked hospital official. “We always have someone hand wash these instruments! That’s it, we’re sending him back to Paraguay. Looks like you can’t skimp on ‘health’ things in a hospital.” After rolling her eyes she shouted, “get out, Juan!”

“Anytime you go into a hospital for anything you’re going to catch a deadly, exotic disease and die,” said an investigator. “Oh, I don’t like the conclusion either, but I get paid by the discovery. Hey, look, a dime has ridges and a nickel is smooth! Discovery!”

The American Medical Association called the investigation “extremely intrusive”, “we don’t go to your job and slap the [cliche sexual insult omitted], so why you gotta investigate our peeps?” and “oh, right, the horrible medical failures that no first world country would tolerate. Damn, looks like our collective [cliche sexual insult omitted], right?”

“You know they weren’t doing a good job if investigators from a morning show busted them,” said a mother who watches morning show. “You can spot those guys a- oh, shhhh. They’re going to give us more hints as to find whats-his-face. I think he’s in Canada this week. Right? Look at all that sand!”

“This is going to be tough,” said a Justice. “Everyone’s so sensitive about race. Probably because they’re all [ethnic slur omitted]s. What? That’s a perfectly normal term in 1949.”

“Finally,” said a white person in a store. “Now we can get some rights around here.” He finished his purchase, walked out of the store and to his car and drove away without anyone hassling him.

“Oh, so now they’re repealing the thirteenth amendment?” asked a woman of color. “What’s next? Oh, I get it, the cops are here to arrest me for fighting back. So just cause I rob a man and now I’m in trouble? Racist!”

“What? We’re not good enough?” asked an Appellate Court Judge. He pulled up his robe and added, “damn, forgot pants. You win this time, Supreme Court. This time.”

“Are you telling me that the President was elected because of affirmative action?” asked a voter. “Then why would you tie this case to the next election? I don’t care how many papers you have to sell, that seems ridiculously inappropriate.”

“This is clearly the work of terrorists,” shouted a local official. “Or global warming! Either one or the other. There’s never any news that earthquakes are normal occurrences, so it must be from something evil.” He took a deep breath before shouting, “we’ve brought this upon ourselves!”

“I thought it was the rapture!” screamed a local woman. “But then I realized it was just an earthquake. Then I realized I’m really not ready for the rapture. Then I realized I really haven’t lived. Then I realized it was already dawn and I was unconscious for five hours because the shelf fell and hit me on the head.” She pointed to her bandaged head and added, “ow.”

The National Weather Service called the quake “the scariest thing to happen post Valentines but pre-Lent”, “that’s how we categorize things” and “if you’re going to be a jerk about it, we won’t talk to you until post Arbor Day but pre-summer time blues.”

“The world is falling apart,” said a man on the bank line. “The only thing left to do is take out your money and put it all on black.” He pointed to an African American man and said, “I’m betting on that guy. I donno, to win something. Look, I’m complaining on a bank line, I’m obviously not in a good place in my life right now.”

“If people threaten us because we’ve threatened them, we will not hesitate to take them out,” said a top Islamic General. “We will not stand by and let a nation plan to attack us because we planned to attack them. That’s insane!”

“They’re going to attack us because we said we’d attack them because they were threatening to attack us?” asked a top Israeli official. “Well, it’s time we attack them because they said they’d attack us because we said we’d attack them because they said they’d attack us.” He took a deep breath and added, “I think.”

The UN called the announcement “super confusing”, “you guys don’t condone weed, do you?” and “well, maybe you should, ’cause it’s, like, so, you know, super good and stuff. Just don’t fight, okay?”

“The whole thing is absurd,” said teacher’s aide Regina Ballister. “If we had two kids bickering like that we’d separate them and tell their parents.” She shrugged and added, “granted, international diplomacy is nothing like a playground squabble and you really shouldn’t draw conclusions from such a simplified analogy. Still…”

“We’re back!” shouted a trader. “Now I can finally get back to doing what I do best: figuring out a way to game the system with no regard to the long-term effects on said system!” He pulled out a gun and added, “but first, I’m gonna need some start up capital. You’re my first angel donator!”

“It worked,” said a Federal Bank official. “We manipulated the markets so it looks like we’re on the rebound.” He cracked his knuckles and added, “normally, I’d say something sinister here, but manipulating the system is our job. Everyone knows it, everyone accepts it. Why fight it? Now give me your wallet.”

The NASDAQ officials called the return to thirteen thousand “disheartening”, “it’ll take us seventy years to get that far” and “always a bridesmaid, never a bride. That’s probably because I’m the only woman on the board and I’m over fifty. I know the odds, don’t repeat them.”

“So…” asked a man on the unemployment line. “What? Can I work now or…” He shrugged and added, “it’s your job to make sure I work, so… I donno who exactly, but if the numbers are high again, that means I should be working, so… ummmmm. Help?”

This week was jammed packed with calamities that personally effect you, like face-mangling toothbrushes, deadly booze, fake US bonds, terrorist hairdryers, aliens, poisonous sidewalks, e coli, Greek revolts, plane shenanigans, arsenic poisoning, Egyptian extremists, crappy drinking water and the end of the World Bank. Thankfully, you have Monday off to recover. At least we do.

Have a safe weekend!

“Well, it’s over,” said a potential Republican nominee. “He ran a great campaign. See you in four years.”

“Everyone knows what’s said on the internet comes true,” said a blogger. “That’s why it’s called the internet. No need to elaborate, I’m already on another topic!”

“Booyeah!” shouted a White House official. “We won!” He high-fived several confused interns before jumping in the air and shouting, “America!”

“We’ve just broke ground on the Presidential museum,” said Obama Presidential Museum curator. “You should see the stuff he passes in the next four years: banning guns, redistributes wealth, rich executions, mandatory abortions. Classic Prez.”

“So the news is reporting that one website says the President won?” asked a reader. “How is this real news? Seriously? Are you just going to stare at me? Jerk.”

“We didn’t make these electric instruments to harm faces,” said a lawyer for a top dental manufacturer. “We made them for…” After checking his notes he added, “well will you look at that. We did make them to ruin faces. Turns out we’re heavily invested in selling dental reconstructive surgery materials. No wonder why I got a dividend last quarter. Anyway, as you were.”

“Normally we won’t go near this sort of thing,” said a top FDA official. “I mean, who are we to tell you, the public, what you can and cannot use? That’s crazy, right?” He took a pinch of powder from a little box, snorted it and added, “right?”

The US Patent Office called the warning “not our prob [sic]“, “to clarify: it’s not our problem on two levels: one, we only issue patents, we’re not concerned about the overall safety of the product and two, we not huge fans of toothbrushes” and “case and point: we just approved a patent for a ‘child atomizer’ and smell our breath. Bad, right?”

“If we stop brushing our teeth, the terrorists win,” said an American. “Come on, if we stop doing anything the terrorists win. Right? What? When did that stop being a thing? How is that possible? Oh no. No! The terrorists won!”

“Sure, we’ve ‘seized’ six trillion in US bonds,” said a top Italian official. “And we’ll be sure to turn this over to the proper authorities and not spend it to get out of our six billion dollar budget problem.” He took a sip of wine and slowly winked.

“Something doesn’t add up,” said a US detective. “What were the Italians doing in Switzerland seizing US bonds? And where were the French in all of this.” He looked over his shoulder before adding, “they’re the new Germans, you know. And the Germans are the new Canadians. Canada is the new us, and we’re the new Italians, which is why they were in Switzerland! I knew it!”

The Center for Responsible Reporting called this report “piss poor”, “you haven’t even gotten to the ‘why’ of the story yet and you’re already done” and “we’ll see to it that your credentials are revoked and you’ll never step foot in here again. Also, how did you get in here?”

“I took us several years to make these arrests,” said a US State Department official. “So I want to make sure that all counterfeiters know that we move extremely slow and only on the biggest cases.” After a few nods he added, “that’ll stop ‘em.”

“We’ve been using this stuff for decades,” said a major sidewalk sealant representative. “And we’ve seen no adverse effects. Granted, we haven’t been looking for any adverse effects, but you get the picture.” After a shrug he added, “we need to make money and this is the best we could do.”

“Mommy, why am I dying?” asked little Joey from his hospital bed. “Is it because I touched a sidewalk?” Sadly, little Joey never heard his mother’s answer, as he died and went to hell because he was unbaptized by Mormons. The truth hurts, little Joey, the truth hurts.

The American Walking Association called the studies “very troubling”, “a horrible way to start the long weekend” and “you’ve got a lot of nerve, coming in here and ruining doughnut Friday. Yes, you can have a doughnut, just don’t touch the chocolate glazed, those are for Rebecca.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” said a man. He looked down at his decaying hand and screamed, “when the [expletive deleted] did this happen? I just touched a sidewalk once! Just kidding, I got this in the Gulf.” After a long sigh he added, “totally not worth it.”

“We should ban this deadly poison,” said a top Congressman. “We should make sure that no one touches the stuff.” He then fluttered his lips derisively, rolled his eyes and shouted, “yeah right. Who wants to live forever? Let’s [expletive deleted]ing drink!”

“Oh, thank you, World Health people,” said a drunk guy at the bar. “Thanks for making the party so lame!” He held up his hand for a high-five, which never came. After downing his drink he added, “forget you guys, I’m going home. Where are my keys? Oh, right, in my hand.”

The American Recreation and Partying Council (ARPC) called the claims “ridiculous”, “a strong buzz is the only thing keeping America from literally ripping apart at the seams” and “we’ve done extensive studies. Trust us. Ripping apart. Seams. Now are you going to limbo or what?”

“Umm, if alcohol is do deadly, why can I buy it in any food store?” asked a minor. “Why are there TV commercials showing people drinking alcohol and enjoying themselves? Why does everyone cool drink? If alcohol really lead to problems, why don’t I see it? I’ll tell you why; because it’s awesome. America!”

“Rice is deadly,” said a top FDA official. “We’ve been telling you that for sixty years. Sure, we might have used some images that some sensitive people say were overtly racist, depicting Asians eating white babies with rice or skinning old ladies alive using a rice scythe, but now you know why! Also, we’re kinda racist.”

“That’s what you get for eating healthily,” said an overweight man as he gasped for breath. “We’re number one! We’re…” He took a few deep breaths, coughed a few times then slumped over. For legal purposes our reporter can’t reveal the time that elapsed between thinking the man was making a satirical commentary on American health and dying.

The American Rice Consortium called the research “damning”, “everyone knows that one study done by a third tier science school is the end all and be all” and “yes, we’re being sarcastic. Who gives a [expletive deleted]ing hobo’s limp [expletive deleted]? Sorry, we’re a little agitated what with the persistent constipation.”

“So this is how the world ends,” said a preacher. “Not with Jesus, but with rice.” After shrugging he added, “it had to happen some time, right? I know this might not be the appropriate time, what with Greg and Sally standing up here to be wed, but we have to recognize that the end is here. Let us pray.”

“They’re a backwards country,” said a top White House official. “Sorry, let me rephrase that. They’re easily befuddled by modern technology. God only knows why we couldn’t beat them into submission. I mean, we did it in Iraq, so why- what? Fired? Like right now? Wow, I didn’t know you guys were so sensitive.”

“And that’s why I’m never going back to Vietnam,” said a older man. A shadow crosses his face as he whispered, “so much blood. I’ve never seen so much blood. What’s that, Sergeant? Hill two eight one? We just took it yesterday? What happened to Ace and Sparky? Brooklyn? All of them? Oh, they’ll pay. They’ll all pay!” He looked around the restaurant before shouting, “where’s my medal?”

The FAA called the move “bold and unexpected”, “refreshing” and “something we’d never tolerate here in the States. Ever. If someone here pulled that stunt we would literally beat them so hard it would make [Rodney] King’s beating look like a massage. No, it’s not too soon. Massage.”

“What happened next?” asked a man who was invested in the story. “They did what? So they just closed the door and flew away? Well that’s not very interesting.” He thought for a second and then added, “I guess most stories aren’t like the movies. Hmmm.”

“We’ve saved millions of lives,” said a top DHS official. “Think of all the people who would have done their hair up, gone out to a bar and then been kidnapped, raped or killed. Now we’re off to the west coast to stop a deadly shipment of nail filers!”

“Damn!” shouted a terrorist during his cell’s weekly meeting. “How did they know we-” He then stopped, looked upstairs and added, “sorry dear! Were we being too loud? Sorry, my love. We’re almost done. Good night.” He waited until the door closed before whispering, “ugh, I can’t wait for heaven and those virgins.”

Customs Enforcement called the seizer “super annoying”, “why can’t those dudes just do what we do: nothing” and “okay, if you’re just reading this, it probably looks like we said we do nothing, which is totally wrong. We don’t do anything, so… wait, no.”

“Why did they seize that stuff?” asked an American. “What was the point? Does anyone know?” He waited a long time for an answer, tapping his toe, rolling his eyes, until he blurted out, “seriously! What it’s it for?”

“What? Who told you that?” shouted a White House aide. “Was it Glarrg? Tarbor? Spleee Vi?” He looked around the hallway before whispering, “was it the evil Brinfols? Ever since we captured their leader they’ve been threatening to hit us with that gravity weapon and- wait, why do you look confused?”

“That is a total lie,” said a top NASA official. “We’ve never had any contact with space aliens. Well, besides that comet that brought the swine flu. But that’s totally different.” After a slight pause he added, “wait, why do you look confused?”

The staff at the Eisenhower Presidential Museum called the revelation “nothing new”, “we’ve literally had the alien section on display since the 60s” and “all six people who visited the museum know about it. Yes, since the 60s.”

“The whole thing is preposterous,” said an American. “If aliens visited the planet, we’d know about it. Plus, how would they communicate with us? Also, why would they just visit the US? The only thing this proves is our politicians are bat[expletive deleted] crazy. Wait, why do you look so confused?”

“Let this be a lesson,” said a top FBI agent. “Don’t forget who has more power: us. The second you forget that, we’ll set up a sting and send you peons to jail.” After chest-bumping another agent he shouted, “suck it, world! We’re the best!”

“Yeah! Take that, cops!” shouted a robber. “It’s about time they get what they deserve! That’ll teach em for upholding the law and keeping people like myself and my associate from dragging society back to the Dark Ages!” He then turned to his associate and added, “let’s stab this dude. It’ll be like a celebratory- hey, where’d he go?”

The US Shadow Government called the arrests “troubling”, “they’re consolidating their power. The must have found out about our plans” and “quickly! Move to phase three! Phase three!”

“There are always going to be corrupt cops,” reasoned a city dweller. “But that doesn’t mean all cops are corrupt. Right? I mean, we have to believe that they’re trying to help us. What’s the alternative, believe that we’re on our own? How is that going to stop global warming. That’s right, it’s always about global warming! Always!”

“We’ve had these filters for decades, but we never thought to test if they worked,” said a major water filter company. He shrugged and added, “sure, it sounds obvious now, but that’s because you heard us say it. I mean, who thinks to test things once they’re developed? That’s just crazy.”

“Your safety is not our concern,” said a local water department official. “We must meet the minimum requirements set by the regulatory commission, that’s all. If they haven’t passed ordinances regulating new toxic materials then it’s none of our business. We’re not your parents, we’re the government.”

The FDA called American water “great for lubing industrial machines or as elephant laxatives”, “slightly less damaging than spending a weekend at the Fukushima plant” and “too soon? Here, drink some water. It’ll erase your memory and give you an opiate-like high.”

“So what is safe?” asked a reader. “Because I had to read five paragraphs before I got to the research testing part and then three more to get to the results, which were inconclusive. In the end it all depends on where you live and what kind of water you are supplied with. So why write a two thousand word article telling us nothing?”

“We’re confident that the Bank of the World will not go under,” said a World Bank teller. “After all, we have fifty eight million six hundred thousand twenty six branches in over one hundred sixty five countries. We’re too big to fail.” After lighting a cigarette he added, “you’re American, right? Then you don’t know.”

“So where is all that money going to go?” asked a US Federal Bank officer. “It’s just going to disappear? No wonder why the economy is tanking! Good thing they have us to… you know, make money. Wait, what do we do? Regulate rates? Whatever.”

The CIA issued a statement which read “we normally don’t do this, but yall should probably arm yourselves”, “this is the end. Yes, it’s not with a bang, but with a whimper” and “trust us. One of our top guys is a time traveler and everything he told us is coming true. Seriously, get guns and canned goods.”

“Wait, Austin [Scarlett] was the head of the World Bank?” asked Project Runway fan Brett Bramhall. “It makes so much sense now.” After a very long pause he added, “find a pic of the current head of the World Bank and then a picture of Austin. It’s worth the laugh.”

“We will not negotiate with terrorists!” shouted a State Department official. He sat back down, shuffled some papers and quietly added, “we will simply fund them until they become an issue during an election year and then will pass sanctions on them which will eventually lead to war. Duh.”

“How could the US not give us money?” shouted a Brotherhood member. “We are a religion of peace! And we demand money or we will kill millions of innocent civilians because of their religious beliefs!” He shook his head before adding, “but we’ll kill them in the name of peace, so what I just said makes perfectly logical sense. Die, for peace!”

The UN called the move “super smart”, “that’s what you get for openly supporting a hostile settlement in the middle of religious fanatics” and “take a page from Canada’s book. Oh, that’s right, you don’t know what revolutionaries they’ve been supporting. See?”

“Damn, we put the wrong guys in power,” said a CIA agent. “Well, we can fix that.” He pulled out his revolver and added, “remember Allende? Of course you don’t.” After a slight chuckle he added, “come on, let’s kill some people.”

“Those son’s of bitches,” said a top White House official. “They hit the one industry that is not only necessary to American life but essential to our GDP.” He pulled a piece of art off the wall, kicked a couch a few times before shouting, “you bastards! You’ll pay! You’ll all pay!”

“We want better… ummm, something!” shouted a union worker. “We deserve better everything because we feel like it!” He pointed to a building whilst shouting, “those greedy bastards get everything because they invented stuff! That’s not fair! Who are they going to find to replace us? There’s no one- what? Those guys? But they’re homeless! They can’t… oh.”

Other unions called the strike authorization “great for America”, “we have no idea what’s right or wrong anymore. All we know is we have to grab as much as we can before it all falls apart” and “what? How are we supposed to know that was the point of the above paragraph. Well, tell us in the future. Say, have you reporters ever thought of organizing?”

“Maybe this is good,” said an obese man. “They’ll be less crap food on the market and I’ll finally stick to my diet.” He shrugged and added, “that’s the best possible spin I could come up with. This whole thing is stupid. I mean, the union reps less than half of the workers in the plant. How is that a strike?”

“What?” shouted a scientist. “How could you say that? Have you seen the video? It looks like an ice monster. Look at it! There’s no need for any sort of thinking or deductive reasoning, I mean, look!” He pointed to his laptop before adding, “wait, it’s not loading. Hold on. It takes a little longer when I’m on wifi. Hold on. Wait.”

“There is no monster,” said a government agent. “If there was, would we be here?” He waited a second before adding, “that is to say, if there was nothing, then we wouldn’t be here. We’re only here to tell you that there’s nothing here, not to say there is something and that we’re here to say there’s nothing. Umm.”

The Icelandic Republic issued a statement which read “this is the moment we’ve been preparing for since BC5530″, “ever since the Titans left Earth, we’ve known they would return. This monster marks the first coming of a new age” and “this has nothing to do with the Mayan superstition. Now arm yourselves!”

“Yeah, I can see how it looks like a net caught in the current,” said a guy who uses the internet for entertainment. “Kinda weird looking, right? It’s not as good as that dad who shoots the laptop. That’s awesome.”

“What?” said an ad executive. “Are you implying that we would spend five million dollars for a fake study that validates a new revenue stream? And how is putting a TV on the side of the road bad? Everyone likes TV, everyone likes driving. It’s an American marriage.”

“I thought those seemed a little distracting,” said an angel. “Well, everything worked out for the best.” He then flew away, being chased by his childhood dog.

The National Center for Conspiracy and Hoaxes called the study “brilliant”, “when electronic billboards first came out we thought it was a hoax, but we’ve since moved it over to the conspiracy wing. Or at least that’s what they tell us” and “who funds us? No one does. No, there’s no conspiracy here. No, we’re not a hoax. Confused? Excellent.”

“So what did the people in the study really conclude?” asked an American. “Dead? All of them? How? Oh my God, that means… umm. Can you tell me what it means so I can say it? Come on. Come on!” After a long sigh he whispered, “please?”

“We’re not saying it’s terrorists,” said a local official. “We’re also not saying it’s super easy to make E. coli or to get into major water plants. We’re also not saying we have no idea how to stop home grown terrorists until it’s too late.” He took a deep breath and added, “we’re saying… ummm, things are just fine. Don’t sweat it.”

“Piece of cake,” said an officer. “We’re all safe from- what? Oh, that’s just ear blood. It’s from… ummmmmm.” He fell to the ground and managed to gurgle, “help” before finally lying still.

The CDC called the finding “a disaster”, “why do we have to find this stuff out by reading Drudge? Seriously, you guys need to call us when you find something like this” and “yes we’re serious. What did we just say that would lead you to believe we’re not serious? Seriously? Yes, that was serious too. What’s going on today?”

“How did they find it?” asked a reader. “Can they account for all of it? Who made it? Why did they make it?” He waited a long time before shouting, “you can’t just say they’ve found E Coli and then give me no other information! That’s… just mean.”

“We’ve decided that since America is in the crapper, we might as well go with it,” said Dr. Reginald Finch. “Our next study will prove meth is the perfect cure for ADHD in children and then we’ll publish definitive proof that NASCAR is a sport. Take that, world.”

“Finally,” said an obese man. “A diet I can stick to!” He put down a stick of butter and added, “that was a joke. I don’t eat butter for breakfast. Well, not in it’s holy form.” He opened a bag of flower, took a pinch and snorted it, then added, “yeah, that’s the stuff. So, why are you here?”

The American Medical Association called the study “literally the most negligent thing we’ve ever seen”, “what? There’s money to be made?” and “we whole-heartedly approve this study. We insist you eat crap all day and then see a health professional to help with the unintended side-effects.”

“Something about this doesn’t sound right,” said an American. “We’ve been told our whole lives to eat healthy and then they release a study saying it’s okay to eat cake for breakfast? Who do I believe?” He grabbed our reporter by the lapels and shouted, “who?!”

“The thing is, we want to keep getting money from the EU whilst never paying taxes and not working,” said a top Greek official. “Why can’t that happen? Oh yeah? Well, maybe you’re the one with a childish view of the world!” He then took off his jacket, lit it on fire and threw it on the ground whilst shouting, “freeeeee!”

“We’re sick of bailing them out!” shouted an EU representative. “We won’t do it ever again.” After a short pause he admitted, “except for this time, the next time, the time after that, the time after that, the time after that, the time after that, the time after that, the time after that and then the time after that. That’s it.”

Canada chimed in with “we know you don’t wanna hear from us”, “maybe you should sell some of their lands to financially secure nations” and “well, if you’re worried about legality, you sure have no right to tell a sovereign nation how to run it’s finances. Now, about that land.”

“When are people going to learn: never trust the Greeks,” said an American. “Haven’t you seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?” After a long pause he added, “cause I haven’t.”

“We’ve very happy that they’ve chosen us for their data needs,” said a telecommunications officer. “But we can’t have them using the system all the time. What if everyone used the system like that? The whole thing would crash! You’re more than welcome to pay a hundred bucks a month, just don’t use your phone. Ever.”

“What the hell?” asked a user. “I can’t set my phone up to piggyback other devices on the system? That was the only reason I chose them! Their very, very crappy internet security. What? No, I didn’t choose them for their very, very crappy service. Well, I guess it’s back to home invasions.”

Major competitors called the throttle “illegal? Can they do that?”, “no one’s taken them to court? Okay, fellas, here’s the plan. Let’s all throttle back, drag court proceedings for the inevitable class action out for decades and finally declare bankruptcy” and “this is gonna make us much more than when we all agreed to charge by the minute. God, those were good times.”

“My internets work fine,” said a mobile user. “Who exactly are they throttling back? Oh, just the top five percent? That makes sense.” She started typing on his phone before adding, “please go away.”

How are your New Years resolutions coming along? Already gave up? Well, we didn’t. We’ve added an archives feature to the site, so you can now enjoy all five and a half years of Calamity News with a simple click. In the category view (click on one of the category links on the black nav bar above this post) there’s a link to the previous reports in the lower right. Boom!

We’ve also written enough religion, legal and military reports to merit their own sections, which can be found by click on the corresponding links in the nav bar. Blammo! Want to read just stories about the Pope? Use our search box to pontificate on the Pontiff, to see the Holy See, to peruse paper on the papal. Skizzam! You’re welcome.

Have a safe weekend!

“Is he right? The short answer is yes,” said a man who studied the church for several years. “The long answer is yessssssssssssssssssssssss.” He hissed the last ‘s’ for a very long time, took a breath and then continued hissing.

“I don’t know why we let him issue orders from jail,” said a guard. “But we do for some reason. Hey [fellow guard] Bill [Grisfeld]. Why do we let him issue orders? Well then who does?” After a long, unintelligible sentence he asked, “what? I can’t hear you when you’re in the bathroom. Bill?”

The Mayans called the preparations “great”, “it’s about time someone takes us seriously” and “oh, we’re for real. I mean, we’re talking to you in your dream right now, aren’t we? Well, that should prove our power. Now back to sleep. Err, back to sleep without dreaming.”

“It’s not going to be a big doomsday,” said a non-believer. “I mean, if you could outrun it with a bike, then it won’t be that big.” He pointed to the horizon and added, “all of that will be gone, but I feel like here and back will be fine. Just move back a little. There ya go, now you’re cool.”

“You are hereby sentenced to ‘prison’,” said a scowling Russian judge as he banged his gavel. “And the court would like to enter into the record that ‘prison’ should be in air quotes, with a wink and a nod to the horrible deflowering this man will received again and again until we loses the will to live, only to be revived and then deflowered again. Dismissed!”

“Woah, sorry about that,” said top CIA officer Trent Flash. “I didn’t know they’d catch us. You know, I never got the point of hiding in plain view. Seems like they could just watch you do illegal things and then nab you. Well, stereotypes exist for a reason. You know.”

The UN called the conviction “none of our business”, “that’s kinda a light sentence for treason” and “honestly, we have a lot to worry about than the internal justice of a sovereign state. Now, let’s get back to changing the fundamental government structure of Syria.”

“In what country would selling secrets be okay?” asked a Russian. “Because I wanna go there.” He looked around before whispering, “it really sucks here. Can you get me across the border?”

“We’re not going that well this century,” said a car manufacturer. “Pretty much every year we have two or three major recalls. Remember? The speeding up? The breaks? The fires? The airbags? The steering?” He took a deep breath before continuing, “the fires in other places? Something about the frame? The rolling? And now this one? Yeah, not a good century.”

“Come on, no car is going to- oh my God! Fire!” shouted driver Stephanie Cutler. “Don’t worry, kids, I’ll flip the car, that’ll put it out!” As she came out of a sharp turn she shouted, “come on! You won’t flip when I need you to-” She started screaming as the steering wheel came off in her hand.

Airlines called the investigation “great!”, “well, not for all the horribly burned victims, or the loss of faith in any auto manufacturer, or the general decline of American workers despite the sharp increase in pay and benefits” and “sorry, we got a little side-tracked. This is great because it means we’re relatively safer. Relatively.”

“How does a car door catch on fire?” asked dog groomer Roger Merfold. “There isn’t anything in there but glass and a motor for the window.” He shook his head before adding, “I hate to be the one who says it, but this day marks the end of Western civilization as we know it.”

“This analysis was done by a US scientist,” said a South Korean. “So it comes as no surprise that it took him almost eight years from the release of the original study to the analysis. You can see here, written in crayon on the bottom of the first page, he wrote ‘sorry this is super late. Had car issues.’ Who was this even written for?”

“Nah, we’re cool,” said a drunk US envoy to the UN. “Come on, guys, we’re totally cool, right? Don’t be like that. Guys, come on, don’t be like that. Guys?”

A spokesman for the Earth Institute for Science called the analysis “spot on”, “it’s the main reason the US was excluded from the Institute” and “what are we doing? Advancing science by leaps and bounds. What are you doing? Exactly.”

“I’m not smart?” asked a teen. “Then what? My parents were lying to me? Oh my God, are you serious? Wait, are you serious? No, I’m not being snarky, I honestly can’t follow what you’re saying. Are you serious?”

“Chivalry be damned!” exclaimed a top Army General from HQ. “Get those women out there! Use their bodies as shields for all I care!” He punched a few female officers before screaming, “thank God I can finally express myself! Women!”

“We can finally have the same opportunities as men!” said an elated female officer. “Now we can be shot at, blown up, maimed or killed at any moment.” She ducked behind a wall before added, “this sucks, I wanna go home. I don’t care if it means taking on traditional domestic roles, I wanna keep my limbs. Wait, where are you going? Come back! Help!”

The insurgency called the move “troubling”, “if they’re willing to put their reproduction on the line, what does that say about their will to fight?” and “well, we always have child bombs. No? Too far? Okay, then were is the line? Because yesterday we were planting mines to kill soldiers, soldiers with families.”

“It makes sense,” said a NCO. “I mean, a job is a job. It’s not like accountants or supply officers are getting killed in the Green Zone.” As a mortar zipped over the wall and exploded in a parking lot he added, “then again…”

“Fine, this time we’ll enact the austerity measures,” said a top Greek official. “This time. For real.” He held up his hands, showing the fingers crossed and added, “what, this? Oh, in Greece this means we swear it. Yep, this time we’re totally going to follow all of the crazy measures some other countries imposed on us. Believe us.”

“Finally,” said a German diplomat. He turned to the army behind him and shouted, “sorry, guys, but the invasion is off. I know, no one is more disappointed than I, but we have to give them one last chance. I know it’s frustrating, but that’s just because we have a high level of waricite in our blood. Maybe Spain will screw up.”

The US Federal Bank called the move “crazy as all get down”, “dude, you can’t… it’s just not…” and “oh my God. Seriously? You’re just going to fix all of your problems with some political thing? That’s so unfair it’s not even funny.”

“I hope this works,” said a day trader. “It will stabilize the markets and help the Western world grow again.” He pulled out a map, pointed to the Middle East and added, “then, we can finish the job. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were from that extremist site. Then why are you here?”

“We’ve tried to fight it, but why bother?” said a US regulatory commissioner. “Nuclear energy is the only way we’re going to power all of these [x-box] 360s. Have you seen the numbers from the holiday sales? We’re looking at a level two crisis. Yes, that’s out of five. Yes, higher is worse. Got it?”

“No new plants!” shouted a protester. “Who’s going to operate them? US citizens? That’s insane! I went to a liberal arts college and look at me! You want my generation of under-acheiving, self-entitled [expletive deleted]tards running a nuclear power plant?”

The UN called the move “terribly reckless”, “the US shouldn’t be doing anything. We all agreed that it was to be a symbolic head-of-state, like the Emperor of Japan or a school superintendent” and “China and Russia move for sanctions? Wow, okay, the yays have it.”

“It’s about time we develop safe nuclear energy,” said an American. “I mean, we’ve been doing it since the 50s and we’ve survived so far. I think the plant would be super safe and efficient, what with all the computer things we have now.” He shrugged before adding, “or it’ll destroy the Earth. Either way, the Mayans were right. No, I don’t have to explain myself.”

“We’re ready to take down these sick bastards,” said a LA police officer as he pulled out his nightstick. “No perp is gonna throw a football to his son or a frisbee to his daughter. Not on my watch.” He clubbed a man as he passed by whilst shouting, “never forget!”

“We can finally recoup all of our losses from that ponzi scheme,” said a top LA Council official. “Or as the Teachers Union called it: renegotiation! But seriously, we’re super [expletive deleted]ed. They raked us over the coals. Literally. I hope that explains why I’m in the burn ward as well.”

Beach communities across the US are considering new laws to raise income, including “smoking on the beach is a five hundred dollar fine”, “if you bring your dog to the beach, we take your house” and “any sand taken away from the beach is detrimental to our environment, therefor you will be shot on site as a ecoterrorist.”

“They also put in place a fine for a hole dug deeper than eighteen inches,” said a local resident. “I know you guys do funny/snarky news things, but I’m being totally serious. No wonder why they banned assault weapons. No, I’m not implying that I would- how did the cops get here so- [tape abruptly ends”

“Who has time to sip a cup of coffee?” asked Dr. Michael McJennis to the press corp. “Not me. How about you? No? How about you, ma’am? No? How about you, sir? No, next to him? Now, how about you, sir. Yes, the first guy. No? How about- hold on, I’m getting to it. How about you? Miss? Yes? Damn it.”

“It’s almost as ground-breaking as when we realized we could snort cocaine instead of enjoying it from soda,” said neighbor and long-time coke user Mr. Ferukousky. “Back in my day we would drink a few cokes, as they were called, and then cut each other during orgies. Yeah, they were simpler times back then.”

The FDA called the proposal “dangerous”, “if people realize that caffeine is just as bad as other ‘snortables’ then we’re in big trouble” and “damage control, people! Think! What would coked up Jesus do? Wait, don’t put that into the public record! Come on, [record keeper] Carl [Weitz], work with us for once!”

“That sounds kinda cool,” said a college student. “Maybe we could snort our alcohol as well. God, the future is going to be so kick-ass.” He finished his beer and then added, “listen, keep it down, they get mad if you talk too loud in the library.”

“We found water under ice!” shouted a Russian scientist. “Okay, when I say it like that it doesn’t sound cool, but trust me, it’s cool.” He pointed to the ice and said, “that’s super old water down there. We discovered water! Okay, again, that didn’t sound that great but… ummm, excuse me.”

“Those diabolical bastards,” said a top Pentagon official. “They knew exactly where to hit us: in the deep Antarctic fresh-water research and development department. How did they know that was our one weak spot?” He pulled his sidearm and pointed it at intern Danny Feildburg. “Unless we have a spy!”

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) called the drilling “totally illegal”, “a great way to awake the Kraken” and “trust us, you do not want to bring that thing’s fury onto yourself. It’s so unrelenting it’s ridiculous.”

“This can only be bad,” said a man in America. “I mean, why else would they report on it?” He looked around before whispering, “have you considered the fact that they’re using this water as a biological weapon against the US? Think about it: Putin is returning to power, the Russians are against us in Syria… it all adds up.”

“If mankind has a problem, it’s that it’s too much work to kill another man,” said scientist Dr. Gustav Breknief. “So, we sat down and figured it out.” After pointing to a single bullet he added, “simple, yet effective. We call it a return to classical killing. Off that, we’re currently working on a self-cleaning broadsword. Right?”

“Thank God,” said local gang-banger Ed ‘Candy Bar’ Torez. “Now I don’t have to aim or nothin’.” He pointed to the paper and added, “damn kids keep walkin’ in front of my bullets and [expletive deleted]. No wonder why they keep dyin’, right?”

Anti-gun groups called the invention “interesting”, “we’re trying to figure out if this thing is bad or good” and “without anyone spinning the story, we’re kinda in the dark here. Hey, what do you think about this whole thing? Wait!”

“Technology will fix all of our problems!” said a hopeful teen. “I’m not sure how this will fix anything, but I’m sure it’ll lead to more things which will automatically kill us. Wait a minute, this is exactly how the robots rise up. Oh no. No!”

“The Democrats now know they can beat us,” said a Republican. “They see us as weak and unorganized. I mean, look at us, all these guys vying to be the candidate. It’s embarrassing. No wonder why women started voting.” After a long pause he added, “what? You were all thinking it. No? Oh.”

“We’re not worried,” said a top White House aide. “Our record alone will get us reelected.” He cleared his throat several times before adding, “okay, we’re hoping their guy just says something stupid and we win by default. Either way, we’re gonna make sure America becomes socialist by 2016.”

Members of the Electoral College called last night’s votes “pointless”, “it’s non-binding. None of this matters. We’re not sure why they bothered to do anything at all” and “now if you’ll excuse us, there are some coeds we need to [expletive deleted]. What, we’re in college, that’s what we do.”

“Some day we’ll look back at this and laugh,” said a voter. “I’m thinking Friday at the latest. Seriously, go back and read all the hoopla from the 2008 election, it’s a joke. None of this day-to-da,y back-and-forth, he-said-she-said matters. Remember kids, voting is stupid.”

“Yeah!” shouted a gay man. “Now we can get back on track with our evil agenda: ruining the American family by destroying marriages!” He ripped off his shirt and shouted, “gay army, unite! Let’s go wreck some lives!”

“Crap, seriously?” asked a Supreme Court Justice. “Now we have to settle this? Why can’t these idiots figure out their piddly problems without bothering us.” He took a large sip from his Big Gulp before adding, “what? I love me some Big Gulp. It’s the only thing that gets me through the day.”

The supporters of Prop 8 called the ruling “unjust”, “how could a court rule against the will of the people?” and “first they freed the slaves, then let women vote and now this? We’ve really lost our way. Well, at least we can look forward to the Rapture, right? Right.”

“Damn it!” said a bigot. “Now I have to find someone else to hate.” He looked around the diner, scratched his head and then added, “are we still down on immigrants? I’d love to hate some of them right now. Yeah, that would make me feel better. Hey, Carl! Go back to Italy where you belong! Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.”

“This is genius!” said a Microsoft programmer. “Now people can never run a program, so they can’t be disappointed by our engineering, operating system, core architecture, component support and overall performance!” He held up the middle finger and shouted, “take that, American business community!”

“So how do I get to my programs?” asked an elderly lady as she leaned closer to the screen. “And is this compatible with my video card? How much memory is being allocated just to run this crummy operating system? Why won’t it recognize my DVD drive?” After we suggested buying a competing desktop she shouted, “What? Pay a few hundred more for a system that works? Pish posh.”

Linux enthusiasts called the move “ridiculous”, “almost as stupid as paying for a computer that has graphics” and “there is no reason that life shouldn’t look like Dwarf Fortress. By the way, when’s the next release coming out? Well, that’s not soon enough.”

“We’re not sure what will happen, but we’re preparing for all contingencies,” said a top Canadian official. “Chances are very high that millions of Americans will be confused, get bored and start a war. Guess who they always consider invading? That’s right. But this time, we’ll be ready. So ready.”

“Look, he never said super PACs were evil,” said a reporter. “He simply said they were a corporate takeover of our democracy. He’s been consistent the whole time and anyone who says differently is a communist bigot. That’s my objective report.”

“Time to made some ads!” shouted a super PAC editor. “Let’s see, snarky voice, black and white photo of opponent, facts we were given by the White House. This thing pretty much writes itself!” He hit a few keys, leaned back in his chair and added, “zing!”

The National Center For Flip Flop called the move “none of our concern”, “we really can’t comment without coming off as jerks” and “look, you know the rules: shut up and let him do whatever he wants. If you step out of line, you’re a poor hating, racist, selfish, greedy, egotistical bastard. We still have to meet our budgetary demands, you know.”

“I’m sure the President just wants to fight fire with fire,” said a constituent. “What’s wrong with totally reversing on a position to spend someone else’s money to stay in a political position? It’s not like votes count. Seriously, they don’t count, we all know it, let’s not play this game anymore. Please?”

“Classic Pope,” laughed a priest. “Always kicking Satan out of people’s bodies.” He dabbed at his eyes with his frock whilst adding, “I wonder why Satan doesn’t just possess the people who keep booting him out? Funny world we live in, funny world indeed.”

“Damn it!” said Satan. “This is super embarrassing. Is he going to brag every time he pushes one of my minions out of a human vessel?” After kicking the table he hopped around on one foot and added, “damn it! Is this whole thing made of stone? Ugh, this is just not my day!”

The Protestant Church called the claim “impressive”, “that is, it would be if we believe in God” and “that’ll teach us to not show up for our interview. Who knows what the press will pretend we say? Maybe next time we’ll keep our appointments. We’re jerks.”

“The whole thing is ridiculous,” said an agnostic. “Are you telling me that God and Satan are battling over human souls? Have you seen how big the universe is? Seems pretty silly for two powerful beings to argue over who controls what ant, don’t you think? You don’t? Well, that explains most of it.”

“When will her brutal dictatorship end?” shouted a diplomat to the UN Security Council. “She has held on to control for sixty years, crushing their ambition and keeping them from proper dental hygiene.” He pointed to the resolution before the Council and added, “it’s time for a regime change. It’s time we save the toothless people of England.”

“She will rule for another hundred years,” said the leader of the immortals. “Then she shall return to the core of the Earth, where she shall sleep for a thousand years to regenerate and ready herself for phase three. Immortals forever!”

Congress called the celebration “needlessly exorbitant”, “in these times of economic uncertainty, why spend any money on the public. Just spend it on yourself” and “it looks like we’re not so different after all. Say, let’s bomb the [expletive deleted] out of Syria, for old times’ sake.”

“Yeah, we like the Queen and all,” said a British citizen. “I mean, she does a good job and all, what with making the laws and ruling on court cases.” After we asked if that was true he added, “it could be. You have no idea how any government works outside of your own mess. Okay, then tell me what a Prime Minister does? Right, then shut up.”

“It’s almost as if things out there are being controlled by an omnipotent being who sees all time as a single point,” said a scientist. “Further evidence suggests that that being sent some of his energy to Earth just about two thousand years ago, yet we can’t trace where it went.” He shrugged his shoulders and added, “who knows what that means.”

“They must not detect us,” said Flarrr, space alien. “If they do, we then must destroy their puny planet.” He turned to our reporter and added, “as far as this specimen, place him in the galactic pickler!” We tried to verify the story with our reporter, but he did not return our phone calls.

NASA called the area outside the sun’s influence “super creepy”, “almost as weird as when we found out the moon was really made of cheese” and “we’re still looking for the cow and the ‘alien butter churner’. He’s out there somewhere… somewhere.”

“What?” shouted a regular man. “Scientists aren’t sure about something? Why aren’t they doing their job? What? Then how does science work? Oh, so it’s okay that they don’t know everything, their job is to figure it out? So why report on this at all. Ah, that’s why you guys are here. Got it.”

“This place is pretty the same,” said an ambassador. “It’s always been a [expletive deleted]hole, it’s just people started paying attention to it.” He pointed to a poorly built mud hut and added, “that was our building, it was once called the ‘jewel of Damascus.’ What a [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]hole.”

“What? Why are they leaving?” asked a top Syrian official as he toured a hospital. “We’re totally going to stop killing people, watch!” He then shot several sleeping people before turning the gun on the doctors. During a reload he added, “classic Syria.”

The UN called the move “long overdue”, “dude, it took you this long to figure out that Syria had degraded from normal [expletive deleted]hole to extraordinary [expletive deleted]hole?” and “oh, that’s not judgement. That’s the facts as they were presented in our (1984) paper entitled ‘Syria: A complete [expletive deleted]hole.’”

“Another back-water country falls into civil war after years of being ruled by a dictator?” asked a top NATO officer. “Who cares? It’s not like we have anything invested in- what? We can blow stuff up? Gentlemen? To the bomb machines! Sorry, to the planes! It was a long weekend.”

“It is the single most important thing I look for in my subordinates,” said the CFO of a major credit card company. “That and a great ass.” He pointed to the all-women office and said, “I challenge you to find a droopy ass in this group. Go ahead, grope away, they don’t- why are you shaking your head?”

“Knock, knock!” said accounting candidate Stephen Yin during his second interview. “The poor.” He continued. “Who cares? They’re poor!” After a long laugh he stood up, extended his hand and added, “thank you, sir, you won’t be disappointed.”

The Department of Justice called the survey “grounds for all sorts of lawsuits”, “we will not tolerate humor discrimination” and “if you don’t want to hire someone, just use the race/religion reason. Wait, we got that backwards. Oh, screw it, everyone gets a free pass on Monday.”

“Wait, I had to be funny?” asked an unemployed man. “Forget that I’m over qualified, have years of experience and could probably do the job of my superiors, I didn’t get the job because I wasn’t funny? Lemme guess, they went with that Yin kid? Yeah, I saw him practicing his standup in the bathroom. It was pretty good.”