How are your New Years resolutions coming along? Already gave up? Well, we didn’t. We’ve added an archives feature to the site, so you can now enjoy all five and a half years of Calamity News with a simple click. In the category view (click on one of the category links on the black nav bar above this post) there’s a link to the previous reports in the lower right. Boom!

We’ve also written enough religion, legal and military reports to merit their own sections, which can be found by click on the corresponding links in the nav bar. Blammo! Want to read just stories about the Pope? Use our search box to pontificate on the Pontiff, to see the Holy See, to peruse paper on the papal. Skizzam! You’re welcome.

Have a safe weekend!

“Is he right? The short answer is yes,” said a man who studied the church for several years. “The long answer is yessssssssssssssssssssssss.” He hissed the last ‘s’ for a very long time, took a breath and then continued hissing.

“I don’t know why we let him issue orders from jail,” said a guard. “But we do for some reason. Hey [fellow guard] Bill [Grisfeld]. Why do we let him issue orders? Well then who does?” After a long, unintelligible sentence he asked, “what? I can’t hear you when you’re in the bathroom. Bill?”

The Mayans called the preparations “great”, “it’s about time someone takes us seriously” and “oh, we’re for real. I mean, we’re talking to you in your dream right now, aren’t we? Well, that should prove our power. Now back to sleep. Err, back to sleep without dreaming.”

“It’s not going to be a big doomsday,” said a non-believer. “I mean, if you could outrun it with a bike, then it won’t be that big.” He pointed to the horizon and added, “all of that will be gone, but I feel like here and back will be fine. Just move back a little. There ya go, now you’re cool.”

“You are hereby sentenced to ‘prison’,” said a scowling Russian judge as he banged his gavel. “And the court would like to enter into the record that ‘prison’ should be in air quotes, with a wink and a nod to the horrible deflowering this man will received again and again until we loses the will to live, only to be revived and then deflowered again. Dismissed!”

“Woah, sorry about that,” said top CIA officer Trent Flash. “I didn’t know they’d catch us. You know, I never got the point of hiding in plain view. Seems like they could just watch you do illegal things and then nab you. Well, stereotypes exist for a reason. You know.”

The UN called the conviction “none of our business”, “that’s kinda a light sentence for treason” and “honestly, we have a lot to worry about than the internal justice of a sovereign state. Now, let’s get back to changing the fundamental government structure of Syria.”

“In what country would selling secrets be okay?” asked a Russian. “Because I wanna go there.” He looked around before whispering, “it really sucks here. Can you get me across the border?”

“We’re not going that well this century,” said a car manufacturer. “Pretty much every year we have two or three major recalls. Remember? The speeding up? The breaks? The fires? The airbags? The steering?” He took a deep breath before continuing, “the fires in other places? Something about the frame? The rolling? And now this one? Yeah, not a good century.”

“Come on, no car is going to- oh my God! Fire!” shouted driver Stephanie Cutler. “Don’t worry, kids, I’ll flip the car, that’ll put it out!” As she came out of a sharp turn she shouted, “come on! You won’t flip when I need you to-” She started screaming as the steering wheel came off in her hand.

Airlines called the investigation “great!”, “well, not for all the horribly burned victims, or the loss of faith in any auto manufacturer, or the general decline of American workers despite the sharp increase in pay and benefits” and “sorry, we got a little side-tracked. This is great because it means we’re relatively safer. Relatively.”

“How does a car door catch on fire?” asked dog groomer Roger Merfold. “There isn’t anything in there but glass and a motor for the window.” He shook his head before adding, “I hate to be the one who says it, but this day marks the end of Western civilization as we know it.”

“This analysis was done by a US scientist,” said a South Korean. “So it comes as no surprise that it took him almost eight years from the release of the original study to the analysis. You can see here, written in crayon on the bottom of the first page, he wrote ‘sorry this is super late. Had car issues.’ Who was this even written for?”

“Nah, we’re cool,” said a drunk US envoy to the UN. “Come on, guys, we’re totally cool, right? Don’t be like that. Guys, come on, don’t be like that. Guys?”

A spokesman for the Earth Institute for Science called the analysis “spot on”, “it’s the main reason the US was excluded from the Institute” and “what are we doing? Advancing science by leaps and bounds. What are you doing? Exactly.”

“I’m not smart?” asked a teen. “Then what? My parents were lying to me? Oh my God, are you serious? Wait, are you serious? No, I’m not being snarky, I honestly can’t follow what you’re saying. Are you serious?”

“Chivalry be damned!” exclaimed a top Army General from HQ. “Get those women out there! Use their bodies as shields for all I care!” He punched a few female officers before screaming, “thank God I can finally express myself! Women!”

“We can finally have the same opportunities as men!” said an elated female officer. “Now we can be shot at, blown up, maimed or killed at any moment.” She ducked behind a wall before added, “this sucks, I wanna go home. I don’t care if it means taking on traditional domestic roles, I wanna keep my limbs. Wait, where are you going? Come back! Help!”

The insurgency called the move “troubling”, “if they’re willing to put their reproduction on the line, what does that say about their will to fight?” and “well, we always have child bombs. No? Too far? Okay, then were is the line? Because yesterday we were planting mines to kill soldiers, soldiers with families.”

“It makes sense,” said a NCO. “I mean, a job is a job. It’s not like accountants or supply officers are getting killed in the Green Zone.” As a mortar zipped over the wall and exploded in a parking lot he added, “then again…”

“Fine, this time we’ll enact the austerity measures,” said a top Greek official. “This time. For real.” He held up his hands, showing the fingers crossed and added, “what, this? Oh, in Greece this means we swear it. Yep, this time we’re totally going to follow all of the crazy measures some other countries imposed on us. Believe us.”

“Finally,” said a German diplomat. He turned to the army behind him and shouted, “sorry, guys, but the invasion is off. I know, no one is more disappointed than I, but we have to give them one last chance. I know it’s frustrating, but that’s just because we have a high level of waricite in our blood. Maybe Spain will screw up.”

The US Federal Bank called the move “crazy as all get down”, “dude, you can’t… it’s just not…” and “oh my God. Seriously? You’re just going to fix all of your problems with some political thing? That’s so unfair it’s not even funny.”

“I hope this works,” said a day trader. “It will stabilize the markets and help the Western world grow again.” He pulled out a map, pointed to the Middle East and added, “then, we can finish the job. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were from that extremist site. Then why are you here?”

“We’ve tried to fight it, but why bother?” said a US regulatory commissioner. “Nuclear energy is the only way we’re going to power all of these [x-box] 360s. Have you seen the numbers from the holiday sales? We’re looking at a level two crisis. Yes, that’s out of five. Yes, higher is worse. Got it?”

“No new plants!” shouted a protester. “Who’s going to operate them? US citizens? That’s insane! I went to a liberal arts college and look at me! You want my generation of under-acheiving, self-entitled [expletive deleted]tards running a nuclear power plant?”

The UN called the move “terribly reckless”, “the US shouldn’t be doing anything. We all agreed that it was to be a symbolic head-of-state, like the Emperor of Japan or a school superintendent” and “China and Russia move for sanctions? Wow, okay, the yays have it.”

“It’s about time we develop safe nuclear energy,” said an American. “I mean, we’ve been doing it since the 50s and we’ve survived so far. I think the plant would be super safe and efficient, what with all the computer things we have now.” He shrugged before adding, “or it’ll destroy the Earth. Either way, the Mayans were right. No, I don’t have to explain myself.”

“We’re ready to take down these sick bastards,” said a LA police officer as he pulled out his nightstick. “No perp is gonna throw a football to his son or a frisbee to his daughter. Not on my watch.” He clubbed a man as he passed by whilst shouting, “never forget!”

“We can finally recoup all of our losses from that ponzi scheme,” said a top LA Council official. “Or as the Teachers Union called it: renegotiation! But seriously, we’re super [expletive deleted]ed. They raked us over the coals. Literally. I hope that explains why I’m in the burn ward as well.”

Beach communities across the US are considering new laws to raise income, including “smoking on the beach is a five hundred dollar fine”, “if you bring your dog to the beach, we take your house” and “any sand taken away from the beach is detrimental to our environment, therefor you will be shot on site as a ecoterrorist.”

“They also put in place a fine for a hole dug deeper than eighteen inches,” said a local resident. “I know you guys do funny/snarky news things, but I’m being totally serious. No wonder why they banned assault weapons. No, I’m not implying that I would- how did the cops get here so- [tape abruptly ends”

“Who has time to sip a cup of coffee?” asked Dr. Michael McJennis to the press corp. “Not me. How about you? No? How about you, ma’am? No? How about you, sir? No, next to him? Now, how about you, sir. Yes, the first guy. No? How about- hold on, I’m getting to it. How about you? Miss? Yes? Damn it.”

“It’s almost as ground-breaking as when we realized we could snort cocaine instead of enjoying it from soda,” said neighbor and long-time coke user Mr. Ferukousky. “Back in my day we would drink a few cokes, as they were called, and then cut each other during orgies. Yeah, they were simpler times back then.”

The FDA called the proposal “dangerous”, “if people realize that caffeine is just as bad as other ‘snortables’ then we’re in big trouble” and “damage control, people! Think! What would coked up Jesus do? Wait, don’t put that into the public record! Come on, [record keeper] Carl [Weitz], work with us for once!”

“That sounds kinda cool,” said a college student. “Maybe we could snort our alcohol as well. God, the future is going to be so kick-ass.” He finished his beer and then added, “listen, keep it down, they get mad if you talk too loud in the library.”

“We found water under ice!” shouted a Russian scientist. “Okay, when I say it like that it doesn’t sound cool, but trust me, it’s cool.” He pointed to the ice and said, “that’s super old water down there. We discovered water! Okay, again, that didn’t sound that great but… ummm, excuse me.”

“Those diabolical bastards,” said a top Pentagon official. “They knew exactly where to hit us: in the deep Antarctic fresh-water research and development department. How did they know that was our one weak spot?” He pulled his sidearm and pointed it at intern Danny Feildburg. “Unless we have a spy!”

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) called the drilling “totally illegal”, “a great way to awake the Kraken” and “trust us, you do not want to bring that thing’s fury onto yourself. It’s so unrelenting it’s ridiculous.”

“This can only be bad,” said a man in America. “I mean, why else would they report on it?” He looked around before whispering, “have you considered the fact that they’re using this water as a biological weapon against the US? Think about it: Putin is returning to power, the Russians are against us in Syria… it all adds up.”

“If mankind has a problem, it’s that it’s too much work to kill another man,” said scientist Dr. Gustav Breknief. “So, we sat down and figured it out.” After pointing to a single bullet he added, “simple, yet effective. We call it a return to classical killing. Off that, we’re currently working on a self-cleaning broadsword. Right?”

“Thank God,” said local gang-banger Ed ‘Candy Bar’ Torez. “Now I don’t have to aim or nothin’.” He pointed to the paper and added, “damn kids keep walkin’ in front of my bullets and [expletive deleted]. No wonder why they keep dyin’, right?”

Anti-gun groups called the invention “interesting”, “we’re trying to figure out if this thing is bad or good” and “without anyone spinning the story, we’re kinda in the dark here. Hey, what do you think about this whole thing? Wait!”

“Technology will fix all of our problems!” said a hopeful teen. “I’m not sure how this will fix anything, but I’m sure it’ll lead to more things which will automatically kill us. Wait a minute, this is exactly how the robots rise up. Oh no. No!”

“The Democrats now know they can beat us,” said a Republican. “They see us as weak and unorganized. I mean, look at us, all these guys vying to be the candidate. It’s embarrassing. No wonder why women started voting.” After a long pause he added, “what? You were all thinking it. No? Oh.”

“We’re not worried,” said a top White House aide. “Our record alone will get us reelected.” He cleared his throat several times before adding, “okay, we’re hoping their guy just says something stupid and we win by default. Either way, we’re gonna make sure America becomes socialist by 2016.”

Members of the Electoral College called last night’s votes “pointless”, “it’s non-binding. None of this matters. We’re not sure why they bothered to do anything at all” and “now if you’ll excuse us, there are some coeds we need to [expletive deleted]. What, we’re in college, that’s what we do.”

“Some day we’ll look back at this and laugh,” said a voter. “I’m thinking Friday at the latest. Seriously, go back and read all the hoopla from the 2008 election, it’s a joke. None of this day-to-da,y back-and-forth, he-said-she-said matters. Remember kids, voting is stupid.”

“Yeah!” shouted a gay man. “Now we can get back on track with our evil agenda: ruining the American family by destroying marriages!” He ripped off his shirt and shouted, “gay army, unite! Let’s go wreck some lives!”

“Crap, seriously?” asked a Supreme Court Justice. “Now we have to settle this? Why can’t these idiots figure out their piddly problems without bothering us.” He took a large sip from his Big Gulp before adding, “what? I love me some Big Gulp. It’s the only thing that gets me through the day.”

The supporters of Prop 8 called the ruling “unjust”, “how could a court rule against the will of the people?” and “first they freed the slaves, then let women vote and now this? We’ve really lost our way. Well, at least we can look forward to the Rapture, right? Right.”

“Damn it!” said a bigot. “Now I have to find someone else to hate.” He looked around the diner, scratched his head and then added, “are we still down on immigrants? I’d love to hate some of them right now. Yeah, that would make me feel better. Hey, Carl! Go back to Italy where you belong! Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.”

“This is genius!” said a Microsoft programmer. “Now people can never run a program, so they can’t be disappointed by our engineering, operating system, core architecture, component support and overall performance!” He held up the middle finger and shouted, “take that, American business community!”

“So how do I get to my programs?” asked an elderly lady as she leaned closer to the screen. “And is this compatible with my video card? How much memory is being allocated just to run this crummy operating system? Why won’t it recognize my DVD drive?” After we suggested buying a competing desktop she shouted, “What? Pay a few hundred more for a system that works? Pish posh.”

Linux enthusiasts called the move “ridiculous”, “almost as stupid as paying for a computer that has graphics” and “there is no reason that life shouldn’t look like Dwarf Fortress. By the way, when’s the next release coming out? Well, that’s not soon enough.”

“We’re not sure what will happen, but we’re preparing for all contingencies,” said a top Canadian official. “Chances are very high that millions of Americans will be confused, get bored and start a war. Guess who they always consider invading? That’s right. But this time, we’ll be ready. So ready.”

“Look, he never said super PACs were evil,” said a reporter. “He simply said they were a corporate takeover of our democracy. He’s been consistent the whole time and anyone who says differently is a communist bigot. That’s my objective report.”

“Time to made some ads!” shouted a super PAC editor. “Let’s see, snarky voice, black and white photo of opponent, facts we were given by the White House. This thing pretty much writes itself!” He hit a few keys, leaned back in his chair and added, “zing!”

The National Center For Flip Flop called the move “none of our concern”, “we really can’t comment without coming off as jerks” and “look, you know the rules: shut up and let him do whatever he wants. If you step out of line, you’re a poor hating, racist, selfish, greedy, egotistical bastard. We still have to meet our budgetary demands, you know.”

“I’m sure the President just wants to fight fire with fire,” said a constituent. “What’s wrong with totally reversing on a position to spend someone else’s money to stay in a political position? It’s not like votes count. Seriously, they don’t count, we all know it, let’s not play this game anymore. Please?”

“Classic Pope,” laughed a priest. “Always kicking Satan out of people’s bodies.” He dabbed at his eyes with his frock whilst adding, “I wonder why Satan doesn’t just possess the people who keep booting him out? Funny world we live in, funny world indeed.”

“Damn it!” said Satan. “This is super embarrassing. Is he going to brag every time he pushes one of my minions out of a human vessel?” After kicking the table he hopped around on one foot and added, “damn it! Is this whole thing made of stone? Ugh, this is just not my day!”

The Protestant Church called the claim “impressive”, “that is, it would be if we believe in God” and “that’ll teach us to not show up for our interview. Who knows what the press will pretend we say? Maybe next time we’ll keep our appointments. We’re jerks.”

“The whole thing is ridiculous,” said an agnostic. “Are you telling me that God and Satan are battling over human souls? Have you seen how big the universe is? Seems pretty silly for two powerful beings to argue over who controls what ant, don’t you think? You don’t? Well, that explains most of it.”

“When will her brutal dictatorship end?” shouted a diplomat to the UN Security Council. “She has held on to control for sixty years, crushing their ambition and keeping them from proper dental hygiene.” He pointed to the resolution before the Council and added, “it’s time for a regime change. It’s time we save the toothless people of England.”

“She will rule for another hundred years,” said the leader of the immortals. “Then she shall return to the core of the Earth, where she shall sleep for a thousand years to regenerate and ready herself for phase three. Immortals forever!”

Congress called the celebration “needlessly exorbitant”, “in these times of economic uncertainty, why spend any money on the public. Just spend it on yourself” and “it looks like we’re not so different after all. Say, let’s bomb the [expletive deleted] out of Syria, for old times’ sake.”

“Yeah, we like the Queen and all,” said a British citizen. “I mean, she does a good job and all, what with making the laws and ruling on court cases.” After we asked if that was true he added, “it could be. You have no idea how any government works outside of your own mess. Okay, then tell me what a Prime Minister does? Right, then shut up.”

“It’s almost as if things out there are being controlled by an omnipotent being who sees all time as a single point,” said a scientist. “Further evidence suggests that that being sent some of his energy to Earth just about two thousand years ago, yet we can’t trace where it went.” He shrugged his shoulders and added, “who knows what that means.”

“They must not detect us,” said Flarrr, space alien. “If they do, we then must destroy their puny planet.” He turned to our reporter and added, “as far as this specimen, place him in the galactic pickler!” We tried to verify the story with our reporter, but he did not return our phone calls.

NASA called the area outside the sun’s influence “super creepy”, “almost as weird as when we found out the moon was really made of cheese” and “we’re still looking for the cow and the ‘alien butter churner’. He’s out there somewhere… somewhere.”

“What?” shouted a regular man. “Scientists aren’t sure about something? Why aren’t they doing their job? What? Then how does science work? Oh, so it’s okay that they don’t know everything, their job is to figure it out? So why report on this at all. Ah, that’s why you guys are here. Got it.”

“This place is pretty the same,” said an ambassador. “It’s always been a [expletive deleted]hole, it’s just people started paying attention to it.” He pointed to a poorly built mud hut and added, “that was our building, it was once called the ‘jewel of Damascus.’ What a [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]hole.”

“What? Why are they leaving?” asked a top Syrian official as he toured a hospital. “We’re totally going to stop killing people, watch!” He then shot several sleeping people before turning the gun on the doctors. During a reload he added, “classic Syria.”

The UN called the move “long overdue”, “dude, it took you this long to figure out that Syria had degraded from normal [expletive deleted]hole to extraordinary [expletive deleted]hole?” and “oh, that’s not judgement. That’s the facts as they were presented in our (1984) paper entitled ‘Syria: A complete [expletive deleted]hole.’”

“Another back-water country falls into civil war after years of being ruled by a dictator?” asked a top NATO officer. “Who cares? It’s not like we have anything invested in- what? We can blow stuff up? Gentlemen? To the bomb machines! Sorry, to the planes! It was a long weekend.”

“It is the single most important thing I look for in my subordinates,” said the CFO of a major credit card company. “That and a great ass.” He pointed to the all-women office and said, “I challenge you to find a droopy ass in this group. Go ahead, grope away, they don’t- why are you shaking your head?”

“Knock, knock!” said accounting candidate Stephen Yin during his second interview. “The poor.” He continued. “Who cares? They’re poor!” After a long laugh he stood up, extended his hand and added, “thank you, sir, you won’t be disappointed.”

The Department of Justice called the survey “grounds for all sorts of lawsuits”, “we will not tolerate humor discrimination” and “if you don’t want to hire someone, just use the race/religion reason. Wait, we got that backwards. Oh, screw it, everyone gets a free pass on Monday.”

“Wait, I had to be funny?” asked an unemployed man. “Forget that I’m over qualified, have years of experience and could probably do the job of my superiors, I didn’t get the job because I wasn’t funny? Lemme guess, they went with that Yin kid? Yeah, I saw him practicing his standup in the bathroom. It was pretty good.”

We’ve had a rough week, what with the decline of the Japanese population, new facts on getting fat, python attacks, molestation, FBI screwups, the destruction of the ice shelf, California bankruptcy, lying schools, overcharging airlines, bans on library porn and the inevitable attack on Iran which should lead to a third world war. And we went out of our way to ignore the on-going political posturing, name-calling and finger wagging that comes with Primary Season.

Come to think of it, this was a pretty normal week. Sure it’s sad, but it keeps us in business- and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. Dolla, dolla bill, yall.

Have a safe weekend!

“Oh no,” whispered NASA tech as he leaned closer to the monitor. “No, no, no! Get me Mulkousky on the horn, now! Sweet Jesus, if they escape who knows what they’ll do.” He pointed to our reporter and added, “and someone wipe that guy’s memory. We can’t have a leak!”

“Wait, we were right?” asked a global warming believer. “What the hell? It’s really happening? I was just doing this for attention, I mean, we’ve both seen the facts, they’re shoddy, at best.” She sat down before adding, “This is quite a shock. Who would have thought?”

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) called the picture “bogus”, “ever since the last shuttle, NASA’s been trying to hedge in on our territory” and “well stay out, you jerks! Sorry, that was a little aggressive. Hold on, we have some weed here, somewhere. Ah, here we go.”

“The Earth is splitting apart,” said a child. “And there’s nothing we can do.” He pointed to the ground and added, “see?” After a few moments he looked back up and added, “I’m just being silly. The Earth can’t do that. Don’t you know that?”

“Sugar is fifty times as addictive as alcohol,” said a scientist. “It’s a hundred times more damaging than meth and seven thousand times worse than AIDS. In other words, it’s the prefect drug.” He snorted a long line of white powder, jumped up and down a few times and then added, “sugar!”

“What?” said a major cereal producer. “If we knew that we’d never include it in such large amounts in our product. We always thought kids craved our cereal because of our ad campaigns, our enthusiastic animated creatures and our decision to use whole-grains. I’m shocked and disappointed by today’s youth.”

The American Sugar Council called the commentary “slanderous”, “Big Sugar will not stand for this. We will lobby Congress to renew the (1975) Sugar Act mandating all food produced in the US will contain at least forty three percent sugar” and “suck it, National Vegetable Commission!”

“How bad could it be?” asked an adult. “I grew up eating sugar and I turned out just fine.” He then looked at his watch, looked at it again and added, “you know, no matter how many times I check my watch, I still don’t remember the time. You don’t think… nah.”

“At first we didn’t think they were going to do it,” said a top Pentagon official. “But when we got the evite for the attack we realized they were serious. We replied yes and added the note ‘get ‘er done!’

“No, he’s the Defense Secretary,” said the Defense Secretary’s secretary over a phone interview. “No, he doesn’t wear dresses and take notes, he manages the countries defense. Okay, this is getting insulting, I’m hanging up now. No, I’m wearing a pantsuit. Goodbye.”

The UN called the predicted attack “bad for business”, “we get paid by the sanction, you know. We’ve lost billions when we switched from sanctions to war in Iraq and we’ll be damned if we don’t meet third quarter expectations this year” and “speaking of which, let’s get back to this whole Syria thing. Sanctions?”

“Why would they tell their enemy that they’re going to attack?” asked a non-Israeli. “What ever happened to the element of surprise?” He then clubbed our reporter with a 2×4, grabbed his wallet and shouted whilst he ran away, “case and point!”

“Everything anyone does is racist and wrong,” said a lawyer for the union. “Even making fun of us using very broad, satirical strokes is racist.” He held up a summons and added, “we’ll see you in court next week for libel and slander. Yeah, I always carry a bunch of these. I have a ten summons a day quota, you know. Racist!”

“It’s nothing against the internet,” said librarian Gertrude Bethisput. “We’ve burned all the books that reference [mouthed a word we couldn't understand] and [mouthed another word we couldn't understand]. Also, anything that depicts blacks as free.”

The American Judges Union called the lawsuit “frivolous, but we’ll allow it”, “yes, we get paid by the case, but we’ve got a vested interest in this particular suit” and “most of the judicial system is funded by pornography. What are they teaching you in school?”

“This is stupid, right?” asked a teen. “You’re using their property, they should have a say as to what you can access. Wait, that’s public property? Then you can’t restrict access. But it is lewd material and if viewed in public could get you arrested. Hmmm, looks like this isn’t so stupid after all. Is the whole world this complicated? Crud.”

“Yes, it is our job to worry about internal fights in other sovereign nations thousands of miles away,” said a top Pentagon official to the press corp. “Whilst I appreciate your sarcastic tone, rest assured your house will be destroyed and your family buried in a mass grave for your disruption. Next question? Yes, I’m serious. Wow, lots of deaths today.”

“So Russia is going to help the rebellion?” asked a rebel. “What? Why not? So they think they can make more money dealing with a dictator than with an emerging free-market democracy?” After a moment of thought he added in a sing-songy voice, “someone has empire envy.”

The UN called the refusal “sensible”, “reasonable” and “no, they didn’t get to us. How could they have gotten to us? Why would you even say that? You didn’t? Oh… well, then. We move to adjourn this conversation. All in favor?”

“What?” asked a Russian official. “What’s wrong with selling arms to a country that’s aggressively fighting an insurgency? You did it to us in Afghanistan, remember? Well then can we have this one? Please? Cool, thanks.”

“Bankruptcy! You can’t touch us,” shouted a bishop. “I call bankruptcy!” He pointed to all of the golden, ornate items around his office, each time shouting, “bankruptcy!” After several minutes he slowed, caught his breath and then added, “damn, we should have killed those kids when we had the chance.”

“Good idea, but a little short sighted,” said a bank official to a Cardinal on a yacht. “I suggest getting so big that if you go under, millions of people would be hurt. Only then will you be above the law. Wait, what’s your membership? Really. Well then, friend, welcome to International Waters. Also, welcome to International Waters. We’re three miles out and- woah, is that gun?”

The Council of Protestant pastors called the cases “disgusting”, “they shouldn’t collect money” and “this way, they won’t have anything to pay out. Oh yes, we’re far smarter than them. Plus we’ve never been caught doing our horrible things.”

“This is why we can’t have religion,” screamed atheist Helen Dillon. “It does nothing but hurt people. No, I will concede nothing! It serves no purpose but to hurt. I don’t care how I sound, I have an opinion and nothing will change it. God bless America!”

“This is exactly why ‘let the Press in’ Thursdays is a horrible idea,” said Pentagon chief intelligence officer Gram Cewusky, who lives at 56 Heron View Lane, McLean, Virginia, 22101. “And to give them access to our personnel files? Ridiculous.” His reaction was understandable, considering his crumbling marriage and secret pill addiction.

“Damn, we can’t get in,” said a terrorist. “Well, guys, let’s just give up and go back to living normal lives. Hey, I have an idea: why not bring Jamba Juice to the Middle East? We’re all hot and we’re always saying we need to have more fruit in our diet. Right?”

The airlines called the list “bad for business”, “it’s a well known fact that terrorists fly first class and always buy a movie. That’s good money we’re losing” and “you’ll compensate us with tax payer dollars? Wow, you can do that? Okay, make it happen.”

“Does it work?” asked an American. “I mean, does it keep terrorists out? Can’t they just fly to Mexico or Canada and sneak in? Hell, can’t they fly with fake documents? So we’re just hoping they use their real name or fly right into JFK so we can nab them? Yeah, I totally feel safe.” After rolling his eyes he added, “yes, that was sarcasm.”

“Pack your bags, we’re getting off this sinking ship!” shouted a top Washington official. “We can finally create a utopian society, where we rule over the masses, telling them exactly how to live every second of their lives. This is gonna be great!”

“We’re here to protest the destruction of the Super Earth’s endangered environment,” said protestor Stacy Fenton. “There is only one Super Earth and we have to protect it! We can’t touch a single blade of orange grass or kill a fire toad. I know they’re deadly, but they’re important to the ecosystem. No, I don’t feel silly, why do you ask?”

NASA scientists added, “if we can get you guys to get psyched about this, we can swindle you for another hundred trillion”, “yeah, the whole ‘build a space station’ was pointless, but it did create jobs” and “you know, deep down we’re all hustlers. Yes, even the white people.”

“Wait, how far away is this planet?” asked an Earthling. “And how long would it take to get there? How how far away are we from speed-of-light travel? And cryogenic freezing? So why the hell should I care?” After a long pause he added, “idiot.”

“Oops,” said a nuclear tech as he pushed a lever back to its original position. “Sorry about that. I don’t know why they keep the ‘vent radiation gas’ lever next to the ‘pull for a snack’ lever. Well, at least they moved the ‘self destruct’ button away from the ‘strobe light’ button. What? The workplace should always have a strobe.”

“Now you’re going to start complaining about air quality?” asked a Southern Californian official. “Not four decades ago, but now? Also, ‘Southern California’ isn’t a thing. Just so you know.” After a few coughs he added, “ugh, why am I still spitting up blood?”

The Screen Actors Guild called the exposure “tragic”, “so many lives lost” and “did you see that? That’s called acting. Now you know why you pay twelve bucks for a movie ticket. You’re welcome, America, you’re welcome.”

“How much went into the air?” asked a resident. “You can’t even measure it? So how do you know it went into the air? Hmmm. Mmmmhmmm. Okay. Hmmm. Right.” He looked at his phone and then added, “sorry, I wasn’t listening. Hey, great catching up.”

“Oh, that happens ever week or so,” said a top FBI official. “You won’t believe how many 3′s look like 8′s.” After a chuckle he added, “so much blood.” He stopped, looked at our reporter and then asked, “say, where do you live again?”

“America is turning into a police state!” shouted a man on the street corner. “What? Just because I’m screaming my views on a street corner doesn’t mean they aren’t valid!” He then dropped his pants and concluded, “they’re monitoring my balls. Look! They’re monitoring them! See? Here come the cops!”

The CIA called the flub “a huge embarrassment for the intelligence community”, “the worst thing since we made up that whole attack on America” and “oh, don’t act so surprised. You totally knew that- wait, are you really surprised? Oh [expletive deleted].”

“I’m sure it’s an isolated incident,” said a law abiding citizen. “But just incase, I’m going to take the next few years to audit my family to make sure we’re obeying all laws.” He leaned in and whispered, “and I mean all of them.”

“We’re not saying they do not have enough contraceptive, we’re saying they may not,” said a lawyer for the company. “There’s a very clear difference. I, personally, don’t know how you could hold us responsible, but I guess that’s what people who have sex for recreation do. Disgusting pigs.”

“I’m what?” shouted high school Junior Alexandra [last name withheld]. “How the hell did that happen? No, I didn’t pay attention in health class, what am I, a pervert?” After lying on the floor and crying for a while she looked up and asked, “are you going to report this or be my father? Fine!”

Other contraceptive companies called the recall “shameful”, “if they find out that all contraceptive is fake, we’re all in trouble” and “well, maybe fake is a little misleading. U235 is very effective, it just has some pretty wonky side-effects.”

“Boy, you think you can trust a corporation,” said a regular guy. “I guess they’re really not looking out for me, but their bottom line. I don’t know where I got that idea that a corporation would do anything but make money, but… umm, well, somehow I did. Weird, right?”

“If our predictions are correct, we’ll be killing each other for food by March,” said a state accountant. He then pointed to himself and added, “I hope that also explains the fatigues and wide array of guns at my desk. It does’t? Really? Because you really should be tying what I just said with the guns together to get a grim prediction. No? Hmm, how lean are you?”

“How did this happen?” said a governor’s aide to the press corp. “Who’s responsible for passing all of these bills? Damn it, we want answers!” He then pulled his jacket over his head and ran off the stage.

The letter continued “…other than that, things here are going pretty well. Missy is doing well, she dug up the garden last week and [wife] Karen was so mad she swore our next pet would be a parrot…”, “…we had a great brunch on Sunday at Elle’s. It was right on the water and Karen said she saw a dolphin…” and “…when it all melts down, we’re prepared for suicide. Love…”

“I’m sure they’ll just issue vouchers like last year,” said a candy vendor that has a contract with the state. “I’m not happy about it and I’m sure as heck ain’t gonna sign another contract with them, but there ain’t no use in gettin’ worked up. Candy bar?”

“Stop flushing your pets,” said a West Palm Beach official. “Why do I have to come up here every month and tell you to stop flushing your pets? Seriously. This is the last time I’m doing this. Don’t ever flush your pets. Why are most of you looking down. Look up here! Don’t flush your pets. Don’t. Got it? Seriously.”

“So that’s where all them things have gone,” said pet shop proprietor Dan ‘Big Dan’ Vickers. “I thought them snakes was just made into boots or meat or somethin’.” He spat into a water-bottle before adding in a very English accent, “I’m just kidding, I really don’t speak like a local hick. And it’s Daniel, not Dan.”

Computer programmers called the news “totally not true”, “sure, python is powerful, and quite versatile, but it can’t kill anything” and “why do we get the feeling that we’re working off of two different scripts?”

“What’s died?” repeated a Ranger. “Nothing really. I mean, things die all the time from pythons, but there’s no uptick in those deaths. Is that why you’re here? Umm, don’t you know there’s an election happening today? Well then I suggest you get back to work, mister.”

“So we fudged a few numbers,” said a school official. “It’s not like we killed any one. Well, technically, we killed a lot of people thanks to our two year medical program. But we’re not here to discuss the mass grave, we’re here to discuss the scores thing. What? Oh, right.”

“So this school isn’t the best?” asked a potential student. “Damn it! I wanted to go to a school where everyone got 1600 on their SATs. Now I’ll just go to some normal school and learn in a regular college environment. Life sucks.”

The League Of Colleges called the report “disturbing”, “we’ve never seen such disregard for the… what did they do? That’s it? Jesus, who doesn’t flub a few numbers here and there?” and “you know what? [Expletive deleted] you, magazine. Oh, and journalism is a lazy man’s major. [Expletive deleted]tards.”

“Everyone knows the only way to rank schools is through published magazines that report the news a week after it happens,” said a college administrator. “I mean, where else would people find out how good or bad a school is compared to other schools?” After a sigh she added, “don’t answer that.”

“It’s time airlines stop taking advantage of the American people,” said a Congressman to the press corp. “That’s our job.” After a stunned silence he added, “I meant, our job to stop. To stop the taking advantage of, that’s our job. To… umm, excuse me.”

“What?” shouted an airline executive. “I have to tell people that I’m overcharging them? How the hell am I going to make hundreds of millions a year?” He pointed to a panther and added, “five hundred thousand that the panther can take the bear in three rounds.”

Banks called the new rules “troubling”, “if this trend continues, they’re figure out that we’ve been overcharging for what amounts to basic banking services” and “that’ll be five dollars. Sorry, it’s a teller interview charge. We’ll just draw it out of your account- oh. Overdraft fee.”

“So I don’t have to pay ‘transportation fees?’” asked a traveler. “I won’t be hit with ‘baggage fees’, ‘fuel charges’, ‘supplemental fees’ or ‘local fees’? I still will be? Then what changes? Oh. Well then who’s lobbying for me? Oh. Well then the terrorists won, haven’t they?”

“The system works,” said a Senator. “We’ve cut spending and stimulated the economy.” He took a long huff from a plastic bag before adding, “now let’s go shoot some homeless. What? You’re still here? Damn occupiers.” He took a few staggering steps, stopped and threw up.

“Yes!” shouted a Congressman. “We did it! We cut the deficit by a few billion!” After high-fiving surrounding colleagues he shouted, “let’s go the the strip club!” After some discussion he added, “fine, we can go to a real one. What’s so wrong with making interns dance? Am I right?”

The European Union called the deficit “confusing”, “if you have a stable economy, why the hell would you constantly stress it by taxing your people and then burning money on needless items?” and “this might be hard to hear, but we’ve brought everyone here to tell you that we love you and you have a problem.”

“So they’re adding a trillion onto our overall debt?” asked an American. “What the hell are they buying with our tax money? I demand to know? National security? How is- yeah, we haven’t been attacked in a decade, but is- fine. Spend away.”

“We discovered most people used their phones from our videos,” said Dr. Barry Millenstein. “Before you ask, yes, we record people going to the bathroom. But it’s strictly for scientific purposes.” He gave a long wink before adding, “and Kim from accounting should really ease up on the fiber.”

“There’s nothing I love doing more than squeezing out a deuce whilst talking to my loved ones,” said corporate drone Ted Jacobs. “Well, I do enjoy urinating whilst writing an email or making a sandwich whilst being bled with leeches.” After rolling up his sleeve to show long scars on his forearm he added, “keeps me virile.”

The American Medical Association called the findings “astonishing”, “so that’s why every new iPhone release coincides with a huge spike in cholera” and “for the love of God, people, don’t kiss your iPhone. It’s not at all healthy. Not at all.”

“How is that gross?” asked a guy in the stall next to our reporter. “I need something to read when… oh, I see. Yeah, that’s kinda gross, huh? Especially since we put that thing near our face, constantly touch it and then touch our face. Hmm, what did we do before smart phones? Just go? That seems weird.” After a flush he added, “bye, bye, poop!”

“Are they still doing that?” asked a twenty something. “I thought we all decided ‘Tebowing’ was the new occupying, and putting cats in sweaters was the new Tebowing.” He adjusted the leather jacket his dog was wearing and added, “and this is the new anti-cat thing. Yeah, I guess the Occupy movement was as meaningful as a meme. Okay, take my picture!”

“We’re happy to finally get back out there and beat some ass,” said an Oakland policeman. “I’d rather it be black folk, but you take what you can get.” He pulled out his baton and cooed, “who’s a good stick? That’s right, you’re a good stick. What’s that? You want a little more? Well, this man looks like he’s resisting arrest. Ohhhh, he’s a bad man, isn’t he? What are you going to do?”

A spokesman for the Occupy movement called the arrests “unlawful”, “it’s our right to camp out on city property, destroying it in the process” and “I really shouldn’t phrase it that way. Also, they really shouldn’t have a nineteen year old be speaking for anyone. Oh, also, do you have any weed?”

“I’m glad they protested and got what they wanted,” said a citizen. “Now we can all go back to spending.” He held up his credit card and added, “take that, economy!”

“Wow, that’s super insensitive,” said a Red Cross worker. “Are you suggesting that they’ll have a tsunami every year until there are no Japanese people left? Really? Because that’s what it sounded like.” She stopped, took a breath and added, “sorry, I’m just on edge since the third reactor exploded. God knows who’s been exposed to- what? You didn’t know? What the hell are American reporters doing? Newt? He’s back?”

“Yes, yes, we’re all ecstatic,” said a Chinese man. “But the real threat is the Americans. Our old enemy is just a shell of his former-” He stopped, picked up a fake mustache from the ground and asked our reporter, “so, tricky America strikes again. Get him, fellas!”

The UN called the prediction “not the worst news we’ve heard today”, “at least a parking space will open up. Oh my God, Tanzania, they’re not dead yet. You’re on the list, we’ll call you when something opens up” and “Jesus, it’s days like this when you wish for another civil war. What?”

“This is what happens when you replace love with technology,” tweeted a Japanese man. “Then again, I’m reshooting my blurbs using my old twitter acct. Weird how we have augmented reality and still tweet, lol! Well, there’s enough space on our 10G network, rite? To the future!”

“Low fat, low cal, or no carb and high protein, doesn’t matter,” said researcher Mike Reznor. “It’s all about calorie intake, not type of calorie.” After a long sigh he added, “damn, shouldn’t have explained it in a way that you’d understand. Now I can’t republish this story over and over. Ah, what the hell, I’ll do it!”

“But don’t worry, we’ve found a miracle breakthrough!” exclaimed Dr. Gregg [Williams]. “Surgery! That’s right, surgery! It’s super easy and allows you to return to your previous habits and never worry again.” He pointed to a model in a bikini and added, “just look at her, feel shame and come in for surgery. Surgery!”

The study also concludes “if you don’t work out, you don’t burn a lot of calories”, “if you eat a lot of food, your body will turn it to fat” and “it’s almost as if no one paid attention to seventh grade health class. There was more in there besides the sex stuff.”

“What?” shrieked yo-yo dieter Sandy Bendsoni. “There isn’t one magical method that will allow me to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it? What the hell, science?” She then ate an entire sheet cake. It was disgusting. At the risk of editorializing, you’d think it was funny, as in, ‘oh, look at this lady eat an entire sheet cake’, but it was pretty gross. Trust us.

Instead of ranting and raving that the news has become more entertainment than informative, citing examples, pointing fingers and raising our blood pressure, we’re just going to roll our eyes and make a face that asks, ‘seriously?’ Are we cool? Cool.

Have a safe weekend!

“We’re positive it’s the spaceship from the ancient aliens who founded our great race,” said a top EU official to the international press corp. “Everyone knows it, but we’re not afraid to say it.” After the laughter subsided he added, “oh, I get it. Kick us when we’re down.”

“Who knows what this is,” said a bored Swede on a diving boat. “We get hundreds of these odd finds a year. Why you think anything is interesting is beyond me.” After a long sigh he added, “just like the sea, life is empty and meaningless. Okay, time to suit up!”

The Pentagon called the strange object “none of your concern”, “maybe you guys should leave weapon X500 alone. Who knows what it would do to a human when it goes off” and “well, we know what it would do to a human. Hell, it creates earthquakes! Ummm, we’d like to redact most of what we just said.”

“Who knows what it could be!” said a reader. “I guess I’ll just find out when they print a followup story, even if the story is super boring and has nothing sensational in it.” After a wink he added, “was that what you were looking for? Cool.”

“If you’re a conservative, you’re dumb,” said a researcher. “The proof? Umm, how about that conservatives are dumb? I mean, if you don’t believe in exactly what I believe in, you’re dumb. I mean, you’re so anti everything, that you’re dumb. No, I don’t want to hear you, dummy, stop being dumb. Idiot.”

“I resent that,” said a conservative hick. “It sounds like some elitist [ethnic slur omitted]s and [religious slur omitted]s are [expletive deleted]ed and made an [old timey ethnic slur omitted] who thinks he’s better than me.” After spitting he added, “damn [ethnic slur omitted]s.”

Minorities in the South called the study “pretty accurate”, “why is our white population so racist when they’re the majority?” and “no, we ain’t gonna join the conservative party. They believe in upward mobility and being self-sustaining… wait a minute, why isn’t that our goal? Seems like the party givin’ out free stuff want to keep us on the hook, like… slaves. Oh my God. The Democrats are the racists!”

“I feel like most of the US media is dominated by liberal people who live in a major city,” said a farmer. “I donno why they constantly feel the need to throw their education in our faces.” He shrugged and added, “probably cause they ain’t workin’ as much as they should. We don’t got not time to be racist, what with keeping up a farm. Stupid [ethnic slur omitted]s.”

“Turns out people freak out a lot more these days,” said a researcher. “We never had this problem when we drafted kids to fight in pointless wars. So, big picture, we’re going to, if I may quote [head researcher Doctor Victor] Cthalis, ‘we’ll give them something to cry about.’” As he donned his brass knuckles he added, “let’s do this [expletive deleted].”

“It’s real!” shouted a woman in a cafeteria. “Look at these sores! Sure, they’re from scratching, from the bugs! Have you seen [popular daytime TV doctor show]? Or [past daytimeTV doctor show]? Or been online? There are bugs everywhere! Bugs! They’re in me now, millions of them.” When our reporter explained he was just here to eat lunch she shouted, “bugs!”

The study went on to conclude “if enough people have this, then it’s real”, “not the bug thing, but a shared social psychological breakdown” and “we strongly suggest the major placebo companies to ride this bubble for as long a they can. There’s a lot money to be made here. A lot.”

“I’ll tell you how I know it’s fake,” said a man as he scratched himself. “Because I read this story and instantly felt itchy. Can’t you feel something on you, something very, very small, right now? See? There really isn’t anything on you, but the idea is contagious.” We never told him that there was a rather large spider on him.

“If you’ve used a computer in the past fifty years, chances are this new virus has all of your information and is currently on a spending spree at Best Buy,” said Cyber Command officer J. S. Sylvan. “Why? Because it’s buying more computers to infect, which, in turn, will buy more computers, until we all have to work at Best Buy to pay for the inventory. Diabolical.”

“The irony is, I rarely have the sex,” said programmer and New Republic Supreme Commander Ian Fernt. “So when my viruses do, it’s kinda depressing.” As he looked out the window he added, “hey, why are the cops outside. No, you trader!” He held up his hand and made a pinching motion before adding, “wait, I don’t have the Force. Run!”

The Internet released a statement which read “don’t sweat it”, “you’re not going anywhere. Addicts rarely do” and “yeah, we’re telling you right to your face: you’re an addict and too stupid to do anything about it. So…”

“So what does this new virus do?” asked a computer user. “Steal my credit card? Post embarrassing pictures to my Facebook? Ruin my credit? It does what? Destroy Iran’s infrastructure? How is that a bad thing?” He took a long sip of coffee before adding, “bastards.”

“We were staring at [assistant] Tammy’s legs one day and [Doctor] Jerry [Biffulphitz] said, ‘I hope that when she dies, her legs stay here’,” said Dr. Roger Vebril. “Well, we all had a good laugh, but then I wondered out-loud: what if those legs of hers are really killing her? Turns out, they were. The funeral is tomorrow, by the way.”

“So you want me to be ugly?” asked a woman. “Is that what you want? Because let me tell you, that’s what you’re going to get.” She then made a very ugly face whilst adding, “happy? Are you happy now? Look at how hideous I’ve become! Look at me!”

The National Flats Association called the study “maybe the best thing to happen since that thing where women fall down when they catch their heel in a grate”, “yeah, we’re pretty vindictive. Mostly because we’re on the heavy side” and “but we can always cha-cha. That is, if anyone would dance with us. Wait, don’t leave! Wait!”

“The idea that women suffer to look good is ridiculous,” said a man. “They know what they’re doing and we’re not gonna stop them. What’s next, the bra is ruining breasts? No, it is? Damn you, damn you to hell!” After straightening his tie and flushing his urinal he added, “see ya around.”

“We thought it was odd too,” said a researcher. “Applying science to religion. But it turns out, these two have nothing in common.” He looked at his noted and added, “I don’t know why I phrased it like that. Can we start over? Come on, just don’t print this part. Jesus, what’s wrong with you? Are you from the [Orlando] Sentinel?”

“Of course I feel better,” said religious woman Harriet Charles. “I am completely blameless for my life. It’s God who’s pulling the strings, not me. I don’t have to worry about any of my decisions, as they’re God’s.” She took a sip of ice tea and added, “and as long as I cram this down everyone else’s throats, I’m happy. God bless!”

The National Association of Religions called the study “proof that those atheist bastards were wrong”, “yes, we know they’re part of the association as atheism is also a religion” and “well the world is a complex place, deal with it. Now, who’s turn is it for [daily] prayers? Methodist? Ewwww, fine.”

“I feel fine,” said a man who declined to say if he was religious or not. “And quite frankly, it’s none of your business what I do in my personal life. Who goes around telling people they’re happy because of their beliefs? Sounds pretty insecure. Oh, and hail Satan.”

“They’re on the ropes!” said a top Pentagon official. “Let’s invade!” He looked around the restaurant before slowly sitting down and whispering, “sorry, I forgot where I was. Sorry, everyone. Hey, Stan, happy birthday. Sorry about that. Sorry.”

“We will never give in,” said a top Iranian official. “On a totally unrelated topic, we’d like to begin talks to ease sanctions against our country. But back to our original statement: we will die before kneeling to the West. Also, just as an aside, we’d really like to be able to trade with out nations. Anyway, death to America! Wait, no. Help us, America.”

The UN called the announcement “confusing”, “those guys are [expletive deleted]ing crazy. Dude, you know they’re up to something, right? They’re [expletive deleted]ing scary crazy” and “seriously, check for a bomb under your seat. They’d totally do that. [Expletive deleted]ing stupid crazy.”

“Maybe this will be the first step to opening a dialogue between the Middle East and the West,” said a hopeful American. “But we all know that won’t happen. We tried to talk to Saddam for a decade and look how that turned out. Eh, live and learn.”