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Walking with Scarlett

It’s a beautiful day in Seattle today!  It makes me hopeful that summer has finally arrived…but I am still keeping my fingers crossed {wink}.

I didn’t want to risk missing the sunshine and so headed out for my daily walk with Scarlett, my black pug, at lunchtime.   Our favorite path was full of other Seattle-ite’s who obviously shared our same thought.  As we walked this familiar and beloved stretch of Queen Anne one of the local businesses had turned on their outdoor fountain for the first time this season.  The unexpected noise that this fountain created stopped Scarlett in her tracks!

The Fountain

She dropped low to the ground in fear and anticipation, hopped several steps backwards, and even let out a tiny little yep of nerves.  I stood there with her for several minutes letting her stare down this new, unexpected, unexplored, possibly dangerous (to a pug) noisemaker, inching closer and closer one paw at a time.  It took several minutes, glances back to me for reassurance, sniffs in the air, and baby steps but eventually she made her way to the dreaded fountain.

Once she got there, she sniffed and checked out every inch of that new noisemaker.  She thoroughly explored it until she was ready to move on.  As we walked away from this fountain, I couldn’t help but notice the new swagger and pep in her step.  Every person we passed after this encounter commented on what a “confident” little pug she was.  She was glowing with pride for conquering her fear and it showed!

New Found Confidence

Did you notice that Scarlett’s confidence didn’t come from not having a struggle to overcome on her walk?  Her swagger came from kicking that fountain’s butt!

This same concept is true for us.  Self-Esteem comes from facing and figuring out how to conquer our obstacles, not from not having obstacles.

The Lesson

If this new fountain hadn’t been on during our walk today, Scarlett would have enjoyed her walk, but she also would have missed out on the pride she felt after conquering this obstacle in her life.  The same is true for us.  We can avoid the “new fountains” in our lives, or wish they never happened, but then we’ll miss out on the feeling of confidence that comes from kicking their butts.  That confidence IS self-esteem.

So, let’s take this lesson from Scarlett the pug, and flip the way we define self-esteem.  Next time we encounter something new, scary, or risky don’t wish we had more self-esteem to tackle it, but tackle it because it will give us more self-esteem!

sudjuanda

Believe it or not, meditation is one of the simplest, and most affordable ways to help increase your self-esteem!  Meditation allows you to reflect, heal, and release baggage or unhelpful energy all while getting connected to your core self.

The simple act of focusing on you, and the here and now, strengthens your relationship with your core self, nurtures your core self, and allows you to know you!   Self-esteem comes from within.  It may be influenced by outside information, but ultimately it comes from the relationship you have with you.

Self-Esteem as a Sink Stopper???

I like to think of self-esteem as a sink stopper; it determines how full or empty we are, and what stays or leaves us.  If we don’t have a sink stopper then everything we take in, both good and bad, just flow right through us.  So even when we receive a compliment, we still feel empty because we aren’t able to keep it or have it fill us up.  We need a developed stopper internally to be able to decide what to do with outside information.

It’s impossible to build, strengthen, improve, or develop something within yourself if you don’t take time to focus on yourself.   Mediation is a simple way to exercise and develop your sink stopper.

Picking a  Meditation

There are many types of meditation.  My favorite meditation technique is one that allows you to actively picture doing things in order to get to a quite place.  Personally, I’ve never been very good at using quite to get quite.  So I searched for a technique that I can sort of “wind down” and get to quite by embracing the thoughts that inevitably come up.

Finding a technique that works for you is very important.  If one doesn’t work don’t toss the idea of mediation out the window, just try a new one.  There are many places to research meditation practices; you can search for meditation classes in your area though search engines, i-tunes has 100’s of free meditation stations in the podcast section, and there are endless books, dvd’s, and cd’s on this subject.  Try checking out your local library for materials to save costs and “try on” different techniques.

My Favorite Technique

I took a mediation class though The School of Intuitive Insight.  If you are in the Seattle area highly recommend Ginna and her classes!  This is a very simplified version of the practice I learned from Ginna, and is an easy starting point.

• Start by closing your eyes and taking a deep breath and focusing on yourself.  Then create a grounding cord.  Picture turning your cord “on” (like turning on a light switch) and set it to “high release.”  Then ask anything you don’t want, isn’t yours, or doesn’t feel good to leave your body and mind through your grounding cord.  As new thoughts pop up they simply go down your grounding cord.

• Notice what things you do want to get rid of, what feels like they need to go, and which go easily.  Keep releasing.

• Next, start calling back all of your energy, hopes, dreams, health, money, love that you’ve lost, spent, or given away.  Picture it coming back to you in the form of a golden sun and these suns continuously fill you up.

• As you are filled up with positive things and your own energy, keep releasing anything that doesn’t need to be there, isn’t yours, or doesn’t feel good down your grounding cord.

• Notice the flow of energy though you.  The filling up of the golden suns, and the lightening of your burden though your grounding cord.  Keep releasing and calling back thoughts and energy as long as you want to, or until you feel lighter and full of positivity.

Be aware of how are you feel after your meditation.  What things did you notice getting rid of?  What did you keep?  What did you ask for in your golden suns?  The answers to these questions hold precious information about you, who you are, and where you find strength and where you are being depleted.  These answers are the beginning of a deeper, more detailed, more meaningful relationship with you!

i can read

Growth, change, healing, self-worth all require these 3 rules.  There is a common misconception that self-esteem is something we are born with;  that we either have it or we don’t.   The truth is self-esteem is earned, created, developed, strengthened, and worked for.   Our self-worth is like any muscle in our bodies, it has to be used and pushed to get stronger.

These “3 Simple Rules in Life” are great reminders of the steps and effort that self-esteem require.

1.  Deciding what we want and then going for it are key steps to increasing self-esteem and satisfaction in life.  The key is being aware that we will hit some bumps in the road along the way.  Personal growth and increased self-worth come from surviving the bumps, not giving up, and finding a way to create success in the face of challenge.  Through struggle we grow!  Sometimes we can learn more from our misses than we do from our successes.  Going for it is what’s ultimately important for our self-worth.

2.Voicing our wants, desires, interests, curiosities, and hopes is how those things become reality.  And as far as your self-esteem goes this is a win-win situation!  Standing up for yourself, realizing and expressing your want(s) strengthens your self-esteem on its own.  Then, either getting or not getting your want gives us new opportunities to further develop self-esteem.  Either by celebrating our success or by giving us a chance to redefine what we want and how we go after it.

3. I like to use a quote by Samwise Gamgee in Lord or the Rings when tackling this step with my clients, “one more step and I’ll be one step further away from home then I’ve ever been before.”  Self-worth isn’t created over night, but it also doesn’t just show up knocking at your door.  We have to take steps, usually baby steps, to strengthen and change our self-worth.  Growing is not comfortable, growing is pushing past our point of comfort to something new; it’s taking just one step farther from home then we’ve ever been before.

How can you use these “3 simple rules” to help strengthen your self-esteem?

NailedMains

Believe it or not, getting enough rest is an important and super simple way to help improve your self-esteem.  Rest allows our bodies, minds, emotions, and nervous systems to recover, repair, and better take in and understand new information.

You’ve felt the difference between a day at work after a good night’s sleep vs. a sleepless night, right?  Sleep increases our ability to concentrate,  better understand new information, problem solve, and brainstorm; not to mention increase our tolerance,  ability to roll with the punches,  resiliency, and objectivity.

Your Sleep Account

Sleep, like self-esteem, is similar to a bank account.  If you have a full account, or a savings account, it’s easier to deal with life’s hurdles when they arise.

This is actually a really important truth to understand, especially when working on self-esteem.  Every single person on the planet has an off day, a stressful day, a less than perfect and a down right terrible day from time to time.  It’s not if these things happen, it’s when; no matter how high or low our self-esteem.  Our level of self-worth does not determine the ups and downs we go though in life, but it does determine how we are able to handle these ups and downs.

Having a “full account” to draw from, or getting enough rest, helps us to better deal with, understand, and handle life.

Why This Helps

Running on a “full tank” has many benefits for your self-esteem…

The ability to better respond to situations that do arise.  This my sound simple, but it a huge component to self-esteem!  Knowing that we can and/or will survive life difficulties builds confidence and fosters coping skills.  When we know we can handle what life throws at us we feel better about ourselves and less anxious about what is around the next corner.

Feeling Empowered.  Taking a simple but profound step to take care of yourself, and to have more in control of your own life and body creates a sense of empowerment.

Just plain feeling better! Sleep, rest, down time are crucial for decreasing anxiety, stress, illness, and fatigue.

3 Super Simple Ways to Increase the Amount of Rest you get

1. Turn TV/computer off 1 hour before bedtime.  Our brains and nervous systems need a little down time to process and reflect on our days before being able to “shut down” and sleep.  Try taking a warm bath, drinking a cup of tea, writing in a journal, reading, listening to music and/or meditating the last hour of your day and notice what happens to your quality of sleep.
2. Sleep in a dark room.  Research has shown that having a light on while sleeping decreases sleep quality, not to mention causes weight gain.  If you are used to sleeping to sleeping with the TV on, try listening to an audio book or music instead.  There are special types of music that help sleeping by increasing specific brain waves. Or, use the sleep setting on your TV so it turns off while you sleep.
3. Close your eyes. Find small periods during the day where you can close your eyes for a couple of minutes.  Every notice how animals often close their eyes even when they aren’t asleep?  When our eyes are closed it signals our bodies to restore and repair.   Simply closing your eyes for 1-2 minutes at a time throughout your day will increase the rest your body and mind get.

Do you guys know who Brené Brown is?  She studies women and shame, and I find her to be amazing!  She takes the most hard to explain concepts and turns them into the most simple universal truth’s.  (I am working on a small series of posts based on her work, so please stay tuned.)

What is Enough?

This week she posted the above mantra on her blog and it couldn’t have come at a better time.   The question, “what is enough” has popped up daily, several times per day actually, over the past few weeks for me.  It’s a topic I always explore with my clients, so it’s never too far from my thoughts, but over the past few weeks I’ve been re-evaluating this question in my own life as well.

Like most people, I wear many hats and do my fair share of juggling roles and responsibilities in my life.  Most days I feel like I do an OK job of knowing when something’s enough.  But throw in important family events and apparently my concept of enough goes straight out the window!

My Example…

This summer, my Grandparents are renewing their wedding vows for their 60th wedding anniversary…. so cute, right?! I knew instantly I didn’t want to miss this event for anything.  So, my husband and I have been planning our 2011 vacations around being able to attend this exciting event.  We’ve saved, we’ve planned, we’ve shopped, we’ve hired the best pug-sitter we can find {wink}, and we were even able to turn this trip into a 9 day event allowing us to attend our nephew’s baptism.  We are going to see my whole family, be there with my Grandparents, and get to attend our nephew’s baptism.

Sounds like “enough,” right?!

Well, after booking our tickets, and rearranging our vacation time with work, and planning extra days into our trip, and feeling like we really did it- we were able to give “enough” we found out that my grandparents ceremony is not going to start until 3:00pm the day before we fly out at 6:30am.  UGH!  After all this planning, saving, organizing, and traveling for 9 days and we are going to get to spend about 6 hours at my family reunion.  6 hours…..

“Effort + the courage to show up = Enough”

Initially, my heart sank.  It felt like all my efforts just went down the drain.  Here we are making so many sacrifices to be there and we aren’t actually going to get to be there.

So, when I read this mantra from Brené, I began reflecting on the my part in whole thing and I realized I did all I could.  I made the plans, I bought the tickets, I saved vacation time and money, in other words I put in the effort AND I am bringing my authentic self, I am showing up, and I am staying positive in the face of disappointment.  This is Enough!

This is my best!

All any of us can do is our best.  Our best is unique to each of us AND our best is not based on results.  Our best is about what we put into a situation after all, that’s all we can control.    What other people do, how other plans turn out, what actually happens may be important but it’s not what determines if we did enough.

“Effort + the courage to show up = Enough”

I think I am going to be borrowing this manta from Brené from now on!

And, when it comes to the family reunion this summer, I am going to know I did enough and just enjoy the 6 hours I do get to spend with my family.  I am going to focus on the time I do have at the celebration, the connections I do get to make, and soak up every minutes of it.  This way when I look back on this event I won’t end up feeling sad, or disappointed, or like it wasn’t enough I’ll remember what was there, what did happen, what I did get to do and those will be my memories.  Because I did enough, I’ll get to take those memories and pictures and stories with me going forward.

So what do you think?  Do you know what your enough is?

i can read

I love this quote.  It’s a great perspective and SO TRUE!

Relationships aren’t about winning, or beating each other, or being right.  Relationships, by definition, are about connection and sharing time, energy, laughs, hopes, dreams, failures, hurts, life with someone.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a friendship, romantic relationship, or family… we get the most out of relationships when we share connection with someone; when we are brave enough to be vulnerable with someone; when we take the time to see things from their perspective and realize we can both be right.

I like the example of accidentally stepping on someone’s toe.  You didn’t mean to step on their toe, or intend to hurt them (hopefully), but their toe still hurts.   So we apologize for the hurt they are feeling in their toe, which is real, no matter how the incident happened.  No need to look for blame.  No need to get defensive.  We just connect with them about the pain in their toe.

Inevitability, we are going to hurt those we care about most.  We are human.  It doesn’t make us bad people, or poor partner’s, or mean friends it just means their feelings got hurt much like their toe.

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.”

I love this quote by Margaret Young!

I think this quote stands out to me so much because this is what I do. It happens to be how I make my living, but for me and for my clients it’s so much more than that.

I help people to discover who they are. Embrace who they are. Learn to love who they are. Find comfort and stability and pride in who they are. And then, it’s amazing, the rest, what they said they wanted… it just comes.

Are you ready to discover who you are?

mindylovespanda

I am in the middle of reading an amazing book, I Thought it Was Just Me (but it’s not): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power by Brene Brown.  Brene Brown is a researcher who has spent the last 10 years studying women and shame.  In her book, Brene primarily focuses on how shame effects, influences women.  For me, as a couple’s counselor, I can’t help but make the connections between shame and relationships.

One aspect that Brene explores, that specifically relates to relationships, is how shame is all about perception; shame is how we see ourselves, and our relationships, from other people’s perspective.  In other words, we base what we “should” and/or “shouldn’t”do around what other people might think of us.

“The Should-ing”

We all have “should’s” in our lives.  We start learning them before we can even talk.  We learn ways that we “should” eat, play, wash, talk, study, work, manage money, raise our kids, clean our house, choose a car to drive, or a book to read, or a wine to purchase, or which extra activities we participate in, and even how to show our love and appreciate for others.  Really, the list could go on forever!  It becomes so second nature for us to “should” ourselves, that sometimes we forgot to stop and figure out if the “should” is even what we want.

I see this all the time with the couples I work with!  Both come into the relationship with their own “should’s” for what a successful/happy relationship looks like.  How could they not, right?  And when I ask them what they want in a relationship, they have a hard time answering, because they don’t know.

Often, we end up letting the desire to be seen as the hot, fun, most in love, magical, special, best, successful couple rule what we think we “should” do in our relationship.  Overtime, this creates disconnection and distance in our relationships, and soon our relationships becomes a “should do” like work, vs. a want to do.

The Good News

The good news is that we can change this!   Just like there isn’t one perfect profession for everyone, there isn’t one perfect relationship model for everyone either.  The best part of being in a relationship is that you get to create it to be whatever you want it to be!

What I mean by this….

Now, yes, there are some basic traits that successful relationships tend to have.  For example, John Gottman’s research has shown that a couple’s “ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitably in any relationship,” directly relates to the fulfillment and strength of the relationship.  So while the skill of conflict resolution is important in relationships, how you resolve conflict in your relationship is up to you.

The HOW is yours to change, create, make, tailor to you and your relationship.

It’s part of what makes relationships great, and yet we tend to forget this simple concept.  We get to create the relationship we want!  If you want to have taco Tuesday’s you can.  If you want Santa to visit your kids twice a year, guess what, you can.  If you want to plan in separate vacations each year, again, you can.  You want to resolve conflict by talking with funny accents….you can!

How you might be “should-ing” on your relationship

When our idea’s of what our relationship “should” look like, or how we “should” handle conflict, or what our partner “should” do for us comes from how we want to be perceived by others vs. what works for us, we end up “shoulding” all over our relationship.  (And let me tell you, “shoulding” feels just the way it’s similarly sounding friend {wink} feels when it happens to you!)

Here’s a simple way to figure out some of the places you may be “should-ing” on your relationship without even knowing it…

1. List out all the things you do in your relationship.  Include work, kids, money, entertainment, vacations, house chores…. anything and every area you can think of.
2. Put a check by all the ones you do because you feel somehow, or in some way, like you “should” do.
3. Now, circle the ones that are left that you do just because you love them.
4. Ask yourself if this list of circled items they way you want to live your life?  Is it enough to fulfill you?

If not, stop”should-ing” on your relationship, and start creating the relationship of your dreams, literally!