I seem to have a hard time writing as of late. Between trips to CA and Hawaii and some doggy health scares I just haven’t been in the mood. But Ramona’s on the mend and summer is ending, which probably means the great weather we’ve had over the past few months is on its way out. That means less time outside and more time for blogging (maybe . . . we’ll see how this goes).

In the meantime, here is a little snippet of the awesomeness that is Sloan Sabbith from The Newsroom. I want to be her when I grow up.

I have a major coffee addiction. I never drank it in college or even during much of my 20s, but now it is my very favorite thing in the world. One great thing about Vancouver is access to really amazing coffee and after much searching I have to say Forty Ninth Parallel (http://www.49thparallelroasters.com/) is the best. The Kitsilano shop has this deal where you can get coffee and a donut for about $5. Their iced coffee is way better than anything else I’ve tried and there are always different flavors. This one had a hint of strawberry in it, I think. SO GOOD.

Case in point: last night during Canada’s crack at fireworks glory.  (Canada brought it, FYI.  Definitely better than the UK, and I wasn’t sure if that was possible.  All of a sudden I’m very into the world of competitive fireworks displays).

Right before the show started, this jerk stood up and blocked the view of about half the people gathered in the park.  People were pissed, but rather than tell this douche canoe to sit down, I noticed that they just moved around him and repositioned themselves rather than complain.  I, on the other hand, was this close to punching him the face (ok, or yelling at him to sit down).  At home, someone would have told this guy to sit down within the first few seconds of the show.  Here, it took almost 20 minutes for someone to do it (and by someone, I mean my American husband who, like me, couldn’t understand why no one had spoken up before then).  

I don’t want to generalize and say that all Canadians are way more patient or less confrontational than Americans, but this was definitely the case last night.  The general attitude was one of “I don’t want to ruin this guy’s night so I’ll just adjust” whereas mine was “this guy is ruining my experience and my happiness is all that matters.”  Sometimes I feel like an asshole here because I’m super impatient and used to things being a certain way.  I catch myself being that American.  The one who expects the world to just conform to her wishes.  It’s super unflattering.

I should probably take this opportunity to learn to chill out and not let little things like this bug me since clearly that is more the norm here.  However, if I see that guy pulling the same douche move at Thailand’s show on Saturday, we’re going to have a problem.  An American girl can only take so much.

I love this show SO MUCH. My sister recommended it to me because of our shared love of prison documentaries and even though I was resistant at first to jumping into a new series, I’m so glad I did. It’s great to see a diverse cast of interesting women. I’m just including the preview here (which includes one of my favorite Rilo Kiley songs ca. 2002), but you should immediately go to Netflix and start watching (all 13 episodes are available for streaming).

1) enjoying the beautiful weather.  Seriously, I don’t think we’ve had rain in over a month and from what I hear that’s very rare in these parts.  So I’m just trying to soak up as much sun as possible in anticipation of what I’m sure will be a long and rainy fall/winter/spring.  It’s supposed to rain this week but fingers crossed that it won’t last long.   

2) baking.  I made cookies last week and now I’m dog-earring all of my cookbooks and trying to figure out if baking 2+ times a week is a bit excessive.  I made two dozen chocolate-chip cookies five days ago and they are almost gone.  Between those and the Magnum bars we’ve become obsessed with, I think it’s safe to say this house is full of sweets.

3) looking forward to summer travel!  We’ve got a very special wedding in Big Sur coming up and then we’re off to MAUI!  The Maui part is a recent development and will involve a lot of bobbing in the ocean, eating, reading, and napping.  It will not involve snorkeling as I have a major fish phobia.  Go ahead and judge if you want.

4) reading reading reading.  I’m very into Karen Russell at the moment.  Almost finished with this book (probably be posting a review at some point) and I’ll be moving on to Vampires in the Lemon Grove shortly.  Looking for some easy beach reads for my trip.  Any suggestions?

5) enjoying the fireworks.  I thought the US was pyrotechnics obsessed, but Canada may have us beat.  This week is the Celebration of Light, which is apparently the biggest offshore fireworks competition in the world.  Three countries are competing: the UK, Canada, and Thailand.  Saturday was UK night and it was James Bond-themed.  Think glittery fireworks set to Adele’s “Skyfall.”  So awesome.

I’ve been making playlists like crazy over the past few weeks. Songs for running, songs for driving, songs that capture memories of summers past. Just when I thought I had found the perfect summer jam (see Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky” which was pretty much stuck in my head for two weeks straight), I found Foals (http://www.foals.co.uk/) via The Everygirl and now I’m hooked. Apparently they are on a North American tour right now but I don’t see any Canada dates Oh well, I’ll just have to watch this video over and over (and over).

(I can’t seem to embed the video, but click here for awesomeness).

I could go into all the reasons for my lack of sound sleep, but I know no one really cares.  I also know that most people don’t care about other people’s dreams, but please indulge me for a moment.  Or feel free to skip this post, whatever is easiest.  

Lately, I have been dreaming about houses.  I’ve noticed that this happens in times of great transition for me.  The houses are usually big and empty, gutted even.  There is often a lot of concrete and moments where I’m running through each room looking for something or someone who never materializes.

In these dreams, I am always afraid.

I started having them a few years after graduating from college.  I was extremely depressed and found myself floundering in all areas.  I have always suffered from anxiety to some extent my whole life, but the depression was new.  Or maybe it wasn’t if I’m being honest, but it was the first time I acknowledged it and the first time I sought professional help.  I remember walking into my therapist’s office on Central Park West during my lunch break from a job that didn’t quite fit, sitting down in an old arm chair, and bawling my eyes out before I could even really explain why I was there.  I cried most of that session, but for the first time in a long time I felt alive rather than going through the motions and pretending I was fine.

Therapy taught me a lot that I won’t go into here.  We did, however, spend some time interpreting my crazy dreams.  My doctor explained that a house is often a symbol for the Self.  The abandoned houses that seemed to haunt me represented emotional neglect and problems I had gotten used to.  They were a sign for a desire for self-improvement.  I know dream interpretation may not be for everyone, but when I heard this something clicked for me.  The dreams were my mind’s way of letting me know that I was in desperate need for some self-improvement.  It was a long journey, but once I made mental health a priority the house dreams stopped.

But now they’re back.  I keep dreaming of this one kitchen in a house that’s for sale.  The cabinets are covered over with layers of contact paper, like the kind that lines drawers.  I know someone is trying to hide something by covering over the old wood and it makes me nervous.  There is something very ominous about this place.

I’m pretty sure that this is my brain’s way of telling me that I’m trying to hide things from myself again: that I’m not dealing with shit very well and that I need to take a good stab at self-reflection.  And I know from experience that self-reflection is hard.  

So here’s the truth: as much as I want to think that I’m coping well with life in Canada, I’m not.  I fill my days with “stuff”: cooking, reading, writing, walking the dog.  But the reality is all of that is just a mask.  During the week when J is at work and I am alone I realize what I have become and it terrifies me.  I am a housewife for the moment and while intellectually I know there is nothing wrong with that, this role feels wrong to me.  Inside I am frustrated and angry that we had to leave everything behind to come here.  

I am not in the mood to put a positive spin on this.  This is how I feel today, in this moment, and I think failing to acknowledge that completely hasn’t been healthy.  Tomorrow will probably be better, but tonight I am going to go eat a Magnum bar, watch bad TV, and wallow.

Tomorrow will probably be better.  Most tomorrows usually are.

I love SoCal with all my heart, but NorCal has definitely grown on me over the past few months. While I’m at a point where I can acknowledge that Vancouver is a great city, it still doesn’t feel like home.  Canada is fine, but I find myself feeling more patriotic than I ever have in my life for the US.  I know we have our problems, but now that I’m a resident of a country that is not my own I really appreciate America in a new way.  Today especially, as friends and family are celebrating our independence, I feel homesick for my homeland.

Searching for a job as a temporary resident of Canada has been harder than I imagined.  Most job listings flat-out state that preference will be given to Canadians and permanent residents (a status that takes 3 years and a formal immigration process to achieve).  I’ve also come across jobs with maximum age requirements (i.e. jobs held for people under the age of 30).  While I knew it might be tough to find full-time employment in a foreign country, I never anticipated it would be like this.  Perhaps I’ve been lucky in my past job searches, but I’m used to getting at least an interview.  At first I thought I was just going about my job search the wrong way, but in doing some research I’ve found that this is actually quite common here.  The unemployment rate among immigrants to Canada is extremely high.  I have the necessary work permits, etc., but that doesn’t seem to matter.  I just feel very stuck and miss living in a country where my citizenship status didn’t seem to color every aspect of my life.

I definitely appreciate the immigrant experience in a whole new way.  Politicians in the US are always running on platforms that keep American jobs for Americans and I never really thought much about that.  Now I understand just how difficult it must be for the thousands of people who move to the US in pursuit of opportunity and find it difficult to get a foot in the door.  I know I have it much better than most people in my situation, but it’s still hard.

Today is just another day in Canada.  I wish I was home to celebrate, but I guess that isn’t in the cards.  In the meantime, I hope all of you Americans have a great Fourth of July.  Watch some fireworks for me

I’m not sure how I stumbled across Little Green Cars (probably through Spotify radio, check out their website: http://littlegreencars.co.uk/), but now I can’t get enough. They’re playing all over the world this year, but as of now I don’t see any trips to Vancouver Oh well, I’ll just have to listen to their album on repeat and pretend I’m seeing them live. “The John Wayne” is my favorite song of the moment. Their harmonies kill me every time.