Jack and Coke Please

a quest...right

2011-09-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

soo on my quest to find perfect romance....i am dealing with now much dreaded compliance issues with my medications....i mean...you all know..when you start your HIV meds...it's almost to the liking of taking heroin....(maybe not that drastic) but you cannot stop on this regimen for the remainder of your natural life...soo me being who i am...normally i look in the bottle of pills and i just go on with my normal routine of taking my medication and then being like..mmm..okay...on with the daily grind...but for the past month...

ive been looking at my bottle of pills and the amount of pills actually tells me how many days we have left in the month....the amount of pills tell me...if i forgot to take them one day because i was partying too late, stayed over some place...or just didn't feel like dealing with the reality of having HIV that particular day. I dont no what non compliance spells out for some people but for me...it merely somedays..i just dont feel like dealing with that reality...not at all promoting this but i am sure that many of my brothers and sisters out there who are like me deal with this from time to time...and now add love to this equation..where do you begin?

so you meet the guy..in this case..mr big...and you tell him about your shit..and all your skeletons..and then you throw the magic card in about your HIV diagnosis...then what do you do? you wait for cover until the missile of rejection is fired or the nice soft blow cover up of "that's okay love" and then you dont hear from them until like a week later when they tell you they cannot deal with the fact of knowing...mm...interesting statement because in my knowing i've gained soo much more and lost maybe a little less....

i dont know...for the first time in my life..i believe i am closer to big...than i was before...i can honestly say that i love this man..but in love is a different question...how can this dilemma be? and for the record...there is no pills to skip not to deal with this reality...it's reality...soo can i grow to be in love or does that come naturally? so you keep putting eggs in this one basket? you let it go where it may? i believe so..in this instance..for the first time in my life..i can honestly say that i dont want to tie someone down and make them my life partner...but rather allow fate and chance to dictate this time...not like with my pills because i cant allow fate and chance to determine something that i know is for sure..but only to guide sort to speak. anyway...on this quest..i have learned a great deal and gained some too...life is good

i dont know if i have the answers to anything this week..but love comes in very different forms and sometimes prescriptions...in this case..you must adhere to..lol...anyway..talk later..love more..and think less..he is out there...you just have to will him to you.

whatever you asked for

2011-08-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

it's crazy how we spend soo much time...looking and asking..and searching for the perfect relationship but does that really exist? well..in my world of HIV...it's like finding the secret brick that will make the wall collapse if you hit it just right...well anyway..in my quest for mr big...it has a mixture of someone who would like to have a family some day..and someone who is kinda on the same lines and page as me..not just the same book...why is it soo crazy..to find one man...some man...a piece of man..that wants children and a family...when i get the men..they are just out of a crazy ass relationship, divorced, or the best one..bitter and don't even know if they can "LOVE" again or "TRUST"..classic..soo not only do I need a leather couch and valium in my house...but a full out counselor for them when they walk through the door..i just don't understand...is it something that i am giving off? is it something that i am saying? i told one person..maybe it's because when i meet people i put all my cards on the table..and i should be hiding them instead..

i have been dating extensively from since around pride month here...like june...up until now...and things have been awesome..and great...and this man..has been there for me on every hand..every turn as well...but i dont believe he is ready to be in a relationship...dating yes...but not in a relationship...for purposes of not putting my people on blast..let's just say there was something that this particular person...couldn't part with...and no matter how i stacked and diced all the scenarios in my mind..it still didn't look good to me...and for me...i have to protect myself and what i really want...and i shouldn't say protect myself like we are at all out war..but i know what i eventually want..and i dont see myself engaging in something and in the long run..i have to compromise on things that i want...it's crazy..because in my world...the biggest thing is telling people my status..and it seems that now more over..i have to battle with career (me being a workaholic), community (i love to volunteer and be active), and social (i love being out and about and playing sports)...and i dont know if he is out there..i am 32 and starting to realize that maybe this guy is me...and this person..that i believe is there...doesn't really exist...or maybe he does..and i've overlooked him...soo should something as small as a piece of jewelery get in my way of loving and being loved..and just being...i dont know..but how will the transition from that one to ours be? when will you have time to breathe...dont know...anyway....this is confusing....

shed skin...shed guilt..shed shame...gain future...gain love...gain yourself

2011-08-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

this weekend has been very interesting....i finally had the courage to talk about my future in dating..and what i really want...although i consider myself the bradshaw of DC as well as the Val...and a little bit of GiGi...i still have my issues of dating to marry...and after a long emotional week..and then figuring out my life and placing things in the trash and not the emotional shelf...i had the courage to tell someone where i really stand..and you know its okay...to know that things are not going to be final...or even lead to marriage..but be in the moment and date...and without the physical part of it as well...you dont have to always have sex...and that's not for me to understand but for most men...sex is soo not the thing you want to do when you are dating and trying to get to know someone...if you put that foot forward first...then all of the simple little things that you find out along the course...really dont mean the same..and how can you top that precedent that you set? well...the pill that i swallowed allowed me to look in the mirror and tell Calvin that if I just believe that's it's out there and it will come...then i can take my time..and date and what i dont like..i dont have to keep...and things i feel as though i dont have to compromise on..i can walk away from...you know...it's okay to keep yourself first in this dating game...as you look for mr big..lol.

i know somedays...true love may seem like its a far drive to california...or a long walk through fire and glass..but you just need to take moment to look inside yourself...find what you believe..and hold true to that and it will happen...now on another note..i just signed up for kickball...sooo life is going to get more hectic on the weekends....anyway..it's storming outside..soo i am going to lay in the bed..and listen to the rain...the rain is soo symbolic tonight...since...im cleaning my mind...and giving my soul a cleanse...it's only fitting for the storm that is coming through tonight...

much love my friends...and remember...your status is what you make it...not what it makes you become...

Eating Positive: A Nutrition Guide And Recipe Book for People With HIV/Aids (Haworth Medical Information Sources)

and music for your soul:

2011-08-11T06:10:00.000-07:00

this has been a very emotional and draining week but with the help of God, I am going to get through it I believe, but sometimes it's hard when you really dont know if you are going to see the light that breaks for the new day....it's a bad place to be in..but i heard someone say eventually this will pass...but how long does it pass? how long does this stay the way that it is? well..it's time to just pick the pieces up and start moving along..the song that describes this week and month for that fact would be Jill Scott's song "Hear My Call" soo fitting...and verbalize everything that i cannot say at this point.

On another note, I am ready to get my "IT Made Easy" program off the ground for the students at the empowering center in south east. It's good to see how students are excited about getting out there in the world and exploring a profession that is often times looked at as being boring, square, nerdy and non exciting. Along with that, teaching and helping them learn valuable skills in these tough times will allow them to branch out in other areas of their lives that they can translate into employment opportunities. I just think we have allowed the news..the media...the world..and other outlets to jade our view of the youth of today and we must take that back..because these are our families...our friends...and who knows what potential they have unless we unlock it.

On another note, I just realized that men living with HIV/AIDS should have paps done at least twice a year...it's amazing how many things you have to keep up with but you know..there is a lot of protection besides just using a condom...there is mental health, personal health, and other things that encompass "safety" and most importantly adhering to medications!!! which is very important.

Anyway, talk to you later...i will post the Jill Scott song below..so you can have an idea...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltU5yhcd__U&feature=BFa&list=FL5SUobhWCOI0&index=2

2011-07-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

left untreated a broken heart and uneasy emotions can lead to a multitude of other things such and getting back into a relationship in which...you may not even want to be in..but just taking part in to ease the pain of not receiving closure from a previous one...or to keep yourself from facing the reality of that you will never be with the person..you thought was your end all be all. it's funny how love can bring you to a place you never knew existed...or a place where you never thought in a million years you would end up..after much compromise (something we all profess that we wouldnt do), forgiving...healing...it's just back where you started...for me..what is it?

i dont know and dont have that answer...but now..im my 32nd year of living..i am soo tired of men..telling me how attractive i am...and conceitedly..."i already know this"...lol..where are the general guys that dont care what kind of shirt they have on...that are funny..quirky...love life...love to give back?...i dont know if he is out there..and i dont think he exists...or maybe he does and he is in someplace like california or spain..thinking the same thing and typing the samething i have been typing for the past minutes...and maybe we wont ever connect...but...today...on this day..and hour..i've made a decision..not to date heavily or concentrate on one person..but not to date..until...that one thing comes..in which i cant get enough of..and it's not sex..because...that's either hit or mis...but something more...and something deeper....grounded...spiritual....heavy...and wrapped in love, respect and mutual love..and desire...if not more.

that's what i have decided...sooo although for a while now..my broken heart has been untreated...and left to rot..and literally fall out of my chest and down on the pavement..to be stepped on by either myself of the next man..i've made a conscious decision to take time with myself..and my love of me...anyway..i believe that's about it..in this wonderful world of hiv and dating...

much love

been a long time

2011-07-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

i haven't written anything in a while now..and it's crazy...that i am here doing this now. i dont know if the reason for not completing an entry is that i have too much stuff going on in my head and cannot get it down or out..or..maybe i dont even know how to articulate what i am feeling at the time.

sometimes...when you write on the days when you are emotional or the day just got to you with everything else..it's crazy....well to start things off...things has been crazy as a situation unfolds since january and i would love to have my life back on that note...it just seems as though i cannot move forward...think..work..love..date..or do anything without that being at the foreground and background of my daily activities...i just wish i can move past that..but on a good note..i have met someone..ironically out at an event...and thank goodness i looked at the sign in sheet on this one...because i dont know what would've happened if i didn't meet him...you know..we often ask God to send us someone..and we have this long exhaustive list..that really isn't realistic or even possible..because who the hell would be able to do all of those things on a list?

well anyway i am saying all that to say..is that i haven't been blogging for a while because in my absence from the blog..lol so to speak..i've been looking for this shoulder in relationships, work, volunteering..and partying..but you know..it never came..i sat alone at night...and asked God..where is my mate...where is my boyfriend or someone who can listen to what i have to say...why am i able to see people go home and have that shoulder but not me...and you know..i've been on my own for a while now..and not speaking financially..but that too..but emotionally..i've always had to look within for strength...and courage..and support..never to someone else...no one is ever in my corner...no one is ever there to cheer me on...and you know....it's tiresome...and somedays..i just dont know..when the month is going to end...and then some months..i only know how many days are left because of the amount of pills i have in my medication bottle...but you know..maybe that day will come..maybe i will meet him..and he will want to be married just like me...want to have kids..just like..me..it just seems as though..im always on the compromise road..i just want to be on the road..lol..anyway...another day in the live of calvin and hiv...good night...Love in the Time of HIV: The Gay Man's Guide to Sex, Dating, and Relationships

who do i love more

2011-04-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

i have given up most of myself for you and proven time and time again..the longer i stay with you...the more things i lose in you...first my beloved co-chair in the hiv working group, my bayard rustin volunteer, my testing and advocacy, the delay in my graduate research and now...the rest of my life in what i have going on...you have become such a fucking boulder and road block for the rest of my life until..when i do ignore your emails, calls, and attempts at communication, it's almost as if i am doing wrong...i just want my days back when i laughed, and laughed without cease...and the biggest care in the world was...am i frying chicken or making pasta...but now..it's did i respond to this email? did i do this correctly? did i delegate this task...all above..did you take your meds? did you look at yourself in the mirror? did you remember to smile when you got the paper from the guy at the metro this morning....all is lost..but now i have to get it back..and with that..i say work no longer holds over my life...and do i love my life...or do i love my work...or can i have both...do i have to divorce one to gain the other....i've decided to leave one...because im tired of cheating on the other...

2011-03-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

okay...soo i've been writing crazy overboard with love and peace lately but you know what...i have found love...but not with another human being at this point (i mean really as if...lol) but with myself...granted, i have met someone that has made me quite happy and you know..glad to see another day and spend time with...but i dont know what's going on with that...and honestly...i dont know if we are on the same relationship path...i mean nothing wrong with that..but it's just good to have dated...i mean..like have a healthy dating pattern...for once...anyway..back to what i've been saying...i've found love..but it's more so in the line of me..and loving myself..i really enjoy my life now..i really enjoy looking in the mirror and see the man..with the glasses...and the small frame...looking back at me...

for soo long...i've written about love...written about love...labored about love....talked about love....converted my life...for love..only to have love...uh slap me straight in the face..and leave me infected with HIV...ooops...did i really just say that? yeah...and then...to have love...look me in the face..and tell me..it didn't understand why i was infected with HIV...and then..walk...or tell me...i really dont love that...kind of love...but one day..or maybe if you didn't tell...then it would happen...well...to my surprise...it has..spring..has started..but it's not warm...and so has..love..it's started..but its still not warm...soo what can ya do? anyway, I am just in a good place now..and i really like..it...it's soo sad that at this point in my life..i really thought...it would be another human being making me this happy..but actually it's God and myself...

talk to you later....there is life after everything....

found something

2011-03-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

well for quite a while now..i have been writing about living with HIV in DC and working my way through career, love, and the social aspects of the city....sort of like Sex in the City but for HIV and now I am on the cusp of love and a great career and it's been a minute since I actually sat down and got these things out of my head and as I sit here this Sunday morning it's about time because it's soo clogged with things. well i met someone a while ago when i started playing kickball and it didn't start out as a full fledge..lemme take you out but let's see what you can do to make me feel good right quick...and now...four months later...he has become such a great fixture in my life...and it all started around valentine's day when he showed up to my office with flowers and we then in turn went to dinner...in all of my years on earth..this was far more the best valentines day ever...i cant believe it. everything is soo good with him and his love for community development and revitalization outweighs mines which i love soo much...outside of that...he doesn't really complain about my work and zest for volunteering..i love that about him...now onto my work and advocacy..i am finally in a place where my job is more fulfilling and i love the daily challenges...i often complain and throw a fit but i love how the things that i am doing now prepares me for the next phase in my life...and that's also with my advocacy work...it's almost to the point of now where it's like...for what other thought..and sometimes myself with a HIV diagnosis would be soo detrimental it's turning out for such a great thing in my life..and my life has become soo positive and rich...it's like the song by Teedra Moses "Rescue Me"...i believe he has already done that...i wake up with a smile on my face when i think of him..and where i am with my life...i am soo happy..and it's not because of him...it's through prayer and determination that i knew my life could be more..and i could be more..if i could only realize my own strength and recognize what could be changed and what needed to be changed in my life....love you guys

realize who you touch

2011-02-13T05:02:00.000-08:00

OMG...it's good to be back..soo much has happened since the last time i have been here to share my life with you and I really need to get better with that..because how else would you know what's going on in the reality of Calvin, unless I let you in.

Well this weekend we were out (because it's been a long stressful week and then I finally have some type of ID that says Im over 21) and right when we were leaving the Fireplace (a bar in Dupont Circle) a young lady pulled me up and hugged me and told me how my video on YouTube speaking on HIV/AIDS inspired and touched her...and I was speechless..first I was like..what video...and then when I realized what she spoke of..I was soo touched that hearing her say that my little words..made such a difference in here life...I just thank God for the opportunity to use some small part of my life to touch someone or change their views on stigma and fear.

thats all for now...

another wednesday of rambling and half ass attempt

2010-10-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

well today is wednesday and i am soo over the week already...and now i almost an emotional wreck but then again..how did i get to this point?! all of the damn point of not feeling like this has gone out of the window..sooo i dont know why my ex contacted me..and i dont know this purpose..and usually when someone out of your past contacts you its a weighted issue...they want to either know if you are miserable with out them..or single and cant find anyone since you left them or they left you..either way...it's a weighted issue..and im like...okay..so what's behind this..now i must admit back in the day..i would tailor my answers to guide me back into well "dating" or "seeing" where their head was at but now..im like..okay..what the fuck do you want..and how long is this going to carry on..and why are you here on my damn phone...?!!! other than that...there is the question of "do you miss me?" or "do you still love me?" and my answer always draw a sigh and blank in my head but on the tip of my tongue..the question rolls out to an answer with a question...as you can tell..i have no time for those juvenile questions..and the next question is...who are you dating? and i follow that up with a question as well..and in my head..its like..well you dont want my ass..so why the fuck does it matter who am i dating? i just cant get some dudes MO...like..why does it matter..and why you love me soo much and you barely are around...you love me soo much..but we dont talk on the phone...you love me soo much but i aint seen your ass in like years...you love me..but you can barely meet for dinner or anything...soo to hell with all that..i dont think some men actually know what love is...they hide behind a past that doesn't really exist of live in a reality that really doesn't present itself as a present or future...anyway..i dont know how i feel about this "blast" from the past...its not a welcome one..some doors and windows should remain shut..or cemented when you actually and finally close them.

random friday rambling...part duex

2010-09-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

i have come to terms...well realized my reality...and i dont know if that's a statement..lol..or not but i just made it...i have realized that...it's time for me to just come out of my comfort zone...sort of like just letting loose and dancing at a street concert while i am breathing the summer air filled with the smell of burnt hot dogs and popcorn deep inside me...to take the moment in..i think that's what i need to do more often..is take the moments in and just that..the moment...and stop using the moment to plan out my future or think about the past...i sit and wonder if i am living at the peak of my potential and reality bites..because i am not...i sit looking at my career and my volunteer life..and i know i am moving fast..but i dont feel like i am moving anywhere..i wish i can really fly above the situation you know..just to look down and see if i am moving...or put a tracking device on my life to see how far i am actually moving through the months and years..or if ...just to see which street i am actually on..or if my life has actually moved to a different state..or has it ventured to another area of the same state and time..that i am not familiar and have not seen...i really dont know..nor at this point...do i really care to know..lol..i think somethings are just better left unsaid and just move on with it all..

i am in the process of dating and talking to different folks..but then i think and i sit...going back to my living in the moment...if the date or the actions of said date are like the prelude to what's going to happen with them if we date..i often sit and wonder while we chat over dinner at bus boys...if this is how it's going to be on a winter day..like the snowdoom storm of last winter..if we will be sitting here over coffee and frangelico talking about love and the condo of our dreams in NW in the new areas...sounds corny i know but those are the things i tend to think about...and i dont know why but i always think ahead...and far ahead...not even stopping to think about the dating aspects of the relationship...most people should just be able to date and think about the future right? most people know the five year plan? right? no...they dont and they dont even want to think about it and when you ask them about said plan..they give you the fuck over...sooo i dont even ask it..well i am about to cut this short soo i can take me an easy walk home..and just chill and relax for the evening...off to enjoy life...whatever that maybe for tonight

does hiv look like me?

2010-09-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

walking down the streets of DC in my daily grind and activities, I always look to myself in the mirror if I am ever at a restaurant or walking down the street and looking at my reflection in the window and I often ask myself, "does hiv look like me?" sometimes..i dont know if i fit the demographics that i read about in the statistics and the reports about non compliance and risky behavior...or who they are actually interviewing our going out into the community to do their "outreach"....matter of fact, I dont know if the demographics on love and relationships apply to me either...i have been trying to figure that out for longest..or maybe i am just like...kinda jaded because i still cant get over the only person that i believe that i will ever love?...could that be it? lol..i think it may have something to do with that...and what i dont get is why when people ask me why i love him...it's like..well, why do you breathe? to stay alive or because it feels good? then you'll have your answer depending on how you answer that question...soo then that's why i ask myself if HIV looks like me..because even the ads in the cutesy POZ magazines show these men who are all entangled in love on their trips surely doesn't look like me running through the airport or the train station alone traveling on my vacations...or maybe if i turn the page...i will start to resemble some of the people and the things i read about...but if i do turn that...am i able to put a bookmark down so i can return to this point in life...because as much as talk about it...turning the page that is...i can stop reading this line over and over again..and i must admit...it's okay

2010-09-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

To be at such a crossroad in my life...mmm..seems as if I am always at this place, the place where you decide, if it's okay to love, if it's time to let go or if it's time to start looking somewhere else..or deciding if the dreams of your childhood has come true and while these dreams..have come true..did you actually outgrow them and they no longer fit your current ideal? i feel like i dont know what's real or fake what's good for me anymore and im just going through the motion until i actually hit the brick wall...which seems to be at every corner and alley and cut away these days. So now what is the world according to me these days? Why do I feel as though...i have wasted a majority of the time..loving and caring about men..who really dont either 1. want to be loved (which in most cases is the issue) or 2. dont even love me..but love me enough to have sex or (fuck my brains out)..which is ALWAYS the case. I think I am over the thought of "small time dating" or "lets just see where things are going" because you know what? when people say that..i already know where they are going...to my bed and then nothing else is becoming of it and i dont have time..and it's not that im impatient, i just dont have time to go through all of the cyces of dating and coping with the insecurities that we should've dealt with at teenager and early twentiers..if that's a word...lol...anyway, i just dont know..i've tried dating in the HIV circle..and that's a mess because you get those who want to be with negatives and those who cant deal with being positive and i dont have time for that..and then you have the negatives who feel as though they are doing you a favor by dating you and then those who are cautious about everything from drinking to a small bit of food...uugh that's just ignorance but still no time..maybe one day..one day it will all make sense or maybe it's my punishment for being gay..not to be with a mate that makes me happy or just get used to making myself happy...and just dating along the way...anyway...it's a clusterfuck..till next time...love love

2010-09-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

my life seems to be running away from me...but at the same time i am stuck standing still as if my feet are weighed down in cement....you see, i have the ultimate dilemma...i am in love with notion of not being in love... but there is someone that i want to love...sounds conflicted right...yeah it is...but is it a dream or reality...uugh...i dont even know...the only thing i do know is my alarm clock goes off at 5:30 am and im out the door looking through both of my blackberrys everyday...and i look forward to reading emails from someone clear cross the globe in afghanistan...i dont know what is going to become of this...back and forth emails with this man...but not just any man..someone i have laid with and shared my dreams..fears..and hopes and desires...and recently..my HIV status...but still not able to cry or appear vulnerable...soo that brings me to the question...why do we run away from the things we ask God, Allah, or the Creator for? We spend our whole life searching for someone and we let things such as our negative or positive status hinder us from becoming close to someone...and why is that? Why do we always have to appear strong and have it together? I dont know..but as for me..I cant let that pat of my life go...I mean..honestly..I never had the HIV break down cry..and I fear that day..will be the same as the day I finally find love...deathly...to who I thought I was...not physical death..but a death of the reality of Calvin as I know him now...I just dont know..I go to meetings..inside and outside of work..and I hear people talking..and i want to talk but I cant say anything...it's like..i just dont even know why I am there..lol..because part of me just want to be home...reading through emails from K...and then..another part is like...well if I am here..then I can really get ahead...in everything...i dont know..some one needs to write a true book on dating and HIV...because these fools they have on TV or in my volunteer circle has not one clue of what is going through my head on love..let alone what's going to happen with my life...anyway, i got off on an off beat tangent..lol..well i am about to go to bed...and i am still like at a lost..with a lot on my mind...i love him..but then again...why am i still holding out for something else? when do you just take time for what's in front of you and accept that love...dont know..i really dont know...or maybe love isn't in the form of a human..maybe we just find what we love to do..and then that will be love..in the greatest form? wonder...but in the meantime..i keep reading the line out of this email..over and over again..with him saying...he loves me..and wants me to be happy ...and even if im not with him..he wants someone to love me...just as he does...but why cant he just love me? another wonder...uugh time for bed
The Secret: Love, Marriage, and HIV

2010-07-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

we live in such a free world but there are many among us who are not free..we strive for the american dream but what really does this dream entail? fighting and working and fighting and living..and then you wake up only to lose those things which you deem hold value and the system that you place your trust will not even look at you to help you recover said things. many people who are living with hiv/aids in the district of columbia fights this every single day. housing is such a thing we often times take for granted. turning the key to our doors, unlocking the front or back door and turning on the lights and tv after long day. often times, turning on the tv only to let it play in the back ground and getting into an unmade or made bed that we left earlier that day. we take soo much for granted until it's on the line. i have been to soo many housing meetings and as i sit around the table listing to those who make the decisions on funding and how it's going to be allocated there is NOT one person on that level who is living with HIV/AIDS. and i often time wonder, how does such people know how it really is to wake up and leave your house and live your life with HIV/AIDS on a daily basis. through my advocacy and thesis research i hope to make a dent in this housing situation. somedays i dont know where to begin..some days i feel as though im not on the inner circle making moves or even a rift in whats going on..but i need to find the energy..well i have the energy i just need to tap into a new venue to get the point across...anyway, i'll talk to you later.

2010-06-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

this weekend was great...i spent friday night dancing the pains of the work week away and saturday helping my boy enjoy his bday and today...helping my coworker teach a video class...you know...life is what you make it..if you want to be happy you can be happy..if you want to be miserable..then there is that option too..you decide what and how things happen to you through the energy you give off and the words you speak out of your mouth..it's always up to you...today..i had to let somethings i have been holding onto go out of my life..i dont know what in the world is up with my concept of love..it's fucked..why am i holding to these men..that really dont love me..but yet the good ones..are left to wander off...love is only what you make it..and you know it's not easy..and anything that's worth having like your life...is worth fighting for..you just cant take it laying down..and if you love someone..you have to do what you need and what's in order to keep them..and if you are not willing then you need to let them go..i really dont know anymore..its soo strange how people can say..i love you and we are going to be together and you only see them..like once in a while...or they only call you like..uh never..until it's late..well..today starts the new day and new era of risks for love and life..and im taking it back and it's mine..good night.

2010-06-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

today was kind of a weird day..i tried to think about a couple of people who i used to date and was just entertaining the idea of dating and i couldn't even hold a two minute thought about them..or even make myself feel anything..i guess that means the door has closed..i think...well i know im finding more and more about who i am and what i want and need in life and what i need in a mate..and you know what? it's okay to be alone..and single until i find that and until it comes to me...soo in my best convention and after much praying and some revelations that came from the my daily inspirations and reading the Bible and most of all this sermon I have been listening too. why am i holding onto people who are not holding onto me? why am i soo pressed to be in a relationship when i really dont have myself together and have things i need to work on? anyway, soo i took K off my fb and deleted some numbers out of my phone and i just dont have time anymore to go back and forth with folk ive been dealing with for the past four years and nothing has happened...there isn't that much time in the world..and im just over it and not happy with the situation..i have to let it go..the door has been closed anyway..so it's time to move on

mmm..okay

2010-06-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

for the past couple of weeks..well month...i have been dealing with the issue of being single in my mind...first it was dealing with my HIV status...and that hasn't been since 2008 but now..it's like...why are you calling me..telling me you love me..and yet.you remain distant? is love supposed to remain distant? could i just get the same effect from dating a total stranger? maybe it's something that i am giving off...or something that i am saying..i learned that i give all my cards away too quickly and let everyone into my life too quickly...i dont know how to kill that part of me..and i dont know how to hold back but that's what i guess i have to do to win at the game of love..i just wonder how i can sit at work and think about someone and think about emailing, calling, texting them...and they always remain busy but yet have all the time in the world to do what they want to do...i just dont get it..maybe it's time for me to close some doors that have already been closed..or learn to look at the open door in the front of me instead of looking for an axe to chop down the door that has been closed behind me..why am i holding onto "past relationships"? do i secretly believe that i wont be able to find love due to my HIV status? Do I really lower my expectations for fear of rejection? i really dont have an answer for any of those questions...any of them..lol..the people who i thought i was in love with..i dont even find myself thinking about them or even having an urge to call them..okay maybe one..but that's because i always going to love them no matter what...the other two...not soo much..i cleaned my phone out..and the list just became shorter..my texts are just with people i know..and my IMs are just with people that i know..someone may call it jaded and bitter but i am just waiting on the one person who will just flow into me naturally and i into them...well anyway, i am about to go to bed because i cannot even articulate my thoughts correctly...maybe it's my HIV meds..lol

Drug Interactions Common, Frequently Unrecognized by Docs

2010-04-29T12:06:00.001-07:00

April 26, 2010

Drug Interactions Common, Frequently Unrecognized by Docs

Not only are significant drug-drug interactions common among people living with IV taking antiretroviral (ARV) therapy, but they are frequently overlooked by health care providers. These important findings were reported by a team of Liverpool researchers in the May 15 issue of Clinical Infectious Diseases.

“Unrecognized drug-drug interactions are one of the most common reasons for medication error with HIV drugs among the most therapeutically risky,” writes John Evans-Jones of the Royal Liverpool and Broadgreen University Hospitals NHS Trust and his colleagues. Failing to recognize these interactions, the authors point out, can result in blood concentrations of some drugs to fall below the levels needed to remain therapeutically active or to become elevated to the point where serious side effects are a risk.
Although previous studies have suggested that the risk of clinically significant drug interactions (CSDIs) is common, no study has assessed the extent to which these interactions are recognized and managed by health care providers.
Evans-Jones’s group asked HIV-treating physicians at the Royal Liverpool University Hospital to complete structured questionnaires. For each patient—a total of 159 were included in the study—the health care providers were told to record all prescription and over-the-counter medications being taken by the patient, along with any known recreational/illicit drugs. From there, the participating physicians were asked to identify potential CSDIs in the list of medications being used by each patient and to note any dosing changes to compensate for the interactions.
A total of 86 CSDIs were documented, occurring in 43 (27 percent) of the patients enrolled. Not surprisingly, patients using a protease inhibitor—a class of ARVs known for their many drug-drug interactions—faced the greatest risk of a CSDI.
Among the drugs most frequently involved in drug interactions including ARVs, antidepressants, antibiotics, statins (for cholesterol management) and recreational/illicit drugs.
Only 31 (36 percent) of the 86 CSDIs were correctly identified by physicians. There was a broad range of CSDIs observed, including interactions between antiretrovirals and with other classes of drugs, notably antidepressants, antibiotics, cholesterol-lowering statins, and recreational/illicit drugs.
“Poor physician recognition of CSDIs is not confined to HIV treatment and is also seen with other commonly prescribed medications,” Evans-Jones and his fellow authors write. “Nevertheless, the consequences of failure to recognize or to manage HIV CSDIs may be considerable, because over one quarter of CSDIs in our study had the potential to lower antiretroviral concentrations. Moreover, patients with CSDIs may present with ill‐defined symptoms or unexplained laboratory abnormalities.”
To better manage CSDIs—considered by the researchers to be “to a large extent unavoidable”—Evans-Jones and his colleagues argue that better medication recording is essential. “Computerized systems can support electronic prescribing; however, a systematic review of such systems showed that 55 to 91.2 percent of drug interaction alerts are ignored by physicians, probably because of ‘alert fatigue.’ Until such systems can be made more usable, we recommend that physicians are vigilant to the risks of CSDIs, use available drug information resources, and that the pharmacy department aid in identification of CSDIs and regularly audit prescribing practice.”

Concerned about possible drug interactions among the prescription medications, over-the-counter drugs and complementary therapies you're using? Search our comprehensive Check My Meds database for drug-drug and food-drug interactions and print out a report to share with your health care provider.

NY Senate passes HIV/AIDS affordable housing bill

2010-04-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

I received a posting/email this morning that "The NY Senate Passes the HIV/AIDS affordable housing bill"..this is great news for my new friends that I have met during the HIV Catalyst Forum in Baltimore, MD this past week. I really have not yet to figure out with all the research surrounding affordable housing and HIV/AIDS, most importantly I should add...stable affordable housing and HIV/AIDS why there hasn't been more uproar that people who need access to health care and costly medications are not being supported more. I remember during the forum I heard Wanda Hernandez speak and it was moving to see someone describe how people really dont understand how it is to choose between rent, medication, and putting food on the table.

The most compelling and eye opening part from this was:

"Due to a loophole in the HIV/AIDS Services Administration' s (HASA) rental assistance program, thousands of low-income people living with HIV/AIDS pay between 50-85% of their disability income (SSI, SSDI, Veteran’s Benefits) towards rent each month, which leads to high rates of arrears, evictions and homelessness. Those who keep their homes are forced to choose between paying their rent or visiting the doctor, making co-pays, or buying groceries. This is the only low-income housing assistance program of its kind in the state that does not cap the tenant’s rent contribution at 30% of their income."

“Paying over two-thirds of my disability check towards rent each month means real sacrifices. Not only do I walk everywhere because I can’t afford subway fare, I walk in shoes that are worn through because I can’t afford to replace them. I haven’t bought new clothes in three years. I can’t afford basic toiletries like toothpaste. I worry about getting to all my doctor’s appointments and dealing with co-pays. And if this bill isn’t signed into law soon, I worry about whether I can keep up with my rent and stay in my home,” said NYCAHN leader Gerald DeYounge, who pays 68% of his SSDI check towards rent and was present for today’s Senate vote."

I am very glad we are on the way to making progress...NEXT DC!! ****This was taken from a press release from NYC AIDS Housing Network (NYCAHN)***

none

2010-04-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

The HIV Catalyst Forum was this week in Baltimore and I learned soo much and really connected with some great people who will be able to help me in my research in affordable housing for people living with HIV/AIDS in the US as well as my area of Washington, DC. I am soo much empowered and energized to go on and fight the good fight because this was on a national level and not local and it was good to see others who are in the fight with me...the new trailblazers of human rights, but we have some great shoes to fill as we look on our forefathers who were in the fight before us.

On the outside of the forum, i connected with someone (K) who I am very much loving and caring for. I left him in my self direction when I relocated to DC but I didn't fully explain how much I really do love him. K has been the only one in this world since I've been dating to tell me how much I am worth..and that really did something to me. It's just soo sad at this time I connected with him..he is being taken away from me for other obligations he hold in life. It just seemed to final and definite that we probably wont connect when he returns but who knows you know...love is just strange and it becomes even stranger when you combine my life with love..lol..I am seriously thinking about changing my name to Carrie Bradshaw...lol...love is soo strange but I am soo glad that in the four to five hours I spent with him..that made up for a lifetime of love for me.

none

2010-03-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't been keeping up with my writing nor research lately due to work and other things that I have going on...eh, well who am I kidding? I just haven't prioritized much these past couple of weeks and I really need to start doing that. Some days it just seems as though my life is all over the place and I cant keep up..but you know what? I love it that way..LOL. It just seems as though everything that I have prayed for and dreamed for is coming true as we speak and I really thank God for it. Sometimes things happen all at once and you just have to sift through it all and find what matters and as it turns out...everything matters to me at this point. This week marks two years that I have been living with HIV and I really didn't think about it until like two hours ago...soo ironic two hours and two years..mmm don't know...

Onto something else, last weekend my twin was here and I love him dearly..lol..but last weekend i realized how much..we are getting older and have complete different tastes in everything. I really did have a great time with him though. Anyway, I took him to dinner on Saturday in which someone I previously dated attended. The whole time was great, good conversation and good company. We talked about the things that we used to argue about when we were dating and then wondered why we were arguing why were dating all the while my brother gave his insight on the whole situation. I dont know how many of you have brothers or sisters that are comfortable enough to discuss your sex/personal life with you but I am blessed that my brother was there to experience that and give his insight. But you know as I sat and talked with Lawrence during dinner and the days that followed, I thank God that I had the opportunity to know him because now I know what I need in a mate and not what I want and there is a big difference. I love him but I am not wanting to cross the lines of having a relationship with him because you know..he lives in my past more than me..and it's not good for me. I respect him for who he is and what he is but as for me..it's not for me. I am realizing that a lot of people that I wanted are not really in my best interest and they should be just that..an interest and nothing more. Anyway, I have to finish up some work and get out of the office..talk later.

2010-03-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

After much soul searching and praying and looking for answers (which seems to be a full time job in the knowledge of self department) I have decided to yet add more things to my letting go list. I have been texting, not actually talking to my ex over the past couple of days and weeks and trying to make plans to meet up for dinner, lunch, etc but to no avail due to conflicting plans and the other person always being busy...then there is someone else that I have been exhaustively trying to spend time with and meet up and do things..but we went to lunch last Friday and nothing yet has come of that...and then there is the last person whom I spend a great deal of time with but they are still holding on to past experiences and then it's nothing there for me emotionally and im dumping all this time into something that will eventually go no where.

The marriage bill just passed a week ago and people were lining up to get married on this past Tuesday, all the while I am still single..with out the possible mate at hand and the possible foundation to even establish such a committment. Honestly, the only growth I find now is pursuing my dreams and aspirations in my community and in my life. I pray constantly and I try to see the bigger picture but you know...I just dont get why people dont realize that if you say you love someone or want to be with someone you'll make the time to be with them and get to love them more and see them for who they really are. Over the past couple of months and now days, I have put a relationship on my letting go list and added yet some other goals of starting my own family and saving to buy my own home..which it should be that way anyway. Then on top of that, I told someone that I loved them and they responded back with a "thank you" wow...like i paid for coffee or something...its emotionally draining..i just find myself always on the open-minded side of the fence. I have HIV, I am young, working for a non profit and holding my own but no one seems to have the open mind for me..it's always what they want and how they want to spend time with me. I have began to focus more on God and praying and just realizing what's important to me and it's not a man..nor a relationship its about me being happy .

much love

2010-03-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

today started the National Week of Prayer for the Healing of AIDS. I had my first church speaking engagement today at Trinity AME Church in the Mt. Pleasant area of DC. It was very educational on both parts because not only does some of the persons in our faith based community have a vast ignorance of HIV/AIDS and their community....some people just have a genuine ignorance and they want to learn more but some has tuned out the possibility of even learning about HIV/AIDS...i really dont know whats going to happen with the faith based community in DC and how they will ever approach this topic of HIV/AIDS in our community, homes, and lives but any bit of knowledge goes a long way..just because you talk to your children about HIV/AIDS doesn't mean that you are giving them the okay for sex...we must approach this topic and just face the facts of HIV/AIDS.