Calypso Cookcraftery

The Mayor of Halloweentown! A Nightmare Before Christmas Halloween How To

2014-09-28T14:49:00.001-07:00

So it's been ages since I posted - but I will write about that later (all is well, I am just suffering from lack of time due to having a living tornado in my house - aka my toddler).

Anyhoo - on to the fun stuff! Making the Mayor of Halloweentown from The Nightmare Before Christmas - using a cardboard Christmas tree, some paint and some posterboard:

In this town we call home, everyone hail to the pumpkin song!

If I were a better photographer I could show you that he looks EVEN cooler than he does in that picture! This may be one of my favorite crafts - hands down. What can you do with him? Stick a (flameless!!!) tea light in there, fill him with candy, put him on a shelf for all to see! What can't you do with him!

Ok - enough exclamation marks - this is how I did it:

1. Buy a cardboard tree from Hobby Lobby they are there now (or were last weekend). It was $5.50 on sale.

2. Draw an outline of his face, marking off the area for where the hat will be


Do it in pencil so you can erase if you mess up!

3. Take a sharp exacto knife and cut out the inside of his mouth. Please don't cut your fingers off. Please.


This is the most tedious part. But I didn't cut a finger off...so there is that.

4. Start painting - these are the colors I used:

5. Start with his skin:


There are a lot of different peach colors but Folk Art's 'Fleshtone' got the right orangeyness

6. Then paint a thin red border around his mouth:

Pro tip - water your paint down a little to make it go on smoother - I used Berry Red here

7. Add the black background.


For black I used Lamp Ebony. The shapes are pretty easy - just remember his eyes are kind of egg shaped.

8. Add his rosy cheeks - just two circles:

Peony pink here

9. Add the eyes - one is a small dot - the other is a swirl. I really like 'Pineapple' here because its not a flat yellow.

10. Paint the hat black:


My gameroom is a mess. I thank Baby J for this.

11. Outline the eyes and mouth - this part is tricky - you could leave it off if you wanted. Again, water your paint down a little

12. Make the brim. I used black posterboard and totally just guessed. I cut the center hole big enough until I could slide it down to where the black and peach met. It naturally waves a little bit which works because so does the mayor's hat.


Center hole not quite big enough here!

Much better! No glue needed!

13. Make the teeth - white cardstock and a sharpie marker. I just cut rectangles and drew straight (ish) lines.

14. Glue in his teeth and DONEZO!

And here's the man himself!!!

Happy Halloween!!! Please take a pic if you do this and share!!! I'm going to do that sad mayor soon and will trying very hard to keep up with posting!!

An Honest Discussion on Breastfeeding, Bottlefeeding, and Not Being a Jerk

2013-08-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This is a long post. I wanted to talk about what happened when I had Baby J because I feel like it is very relevant. I hope you'll forgive me and read anyways...Thank you. :)

To start...

Normally when I post I try not to make it too heavy, too serious, or too boring. I (try) to be amusing and honest. But I've been drafting this post in my brain for a long time and I think it needs writing. And while I will admit that there is a fair amount of seriousness forthcoming...it is about boobs...so, how serious can it really be?

Forget Mr. Bean, Blackadder is Rowan Atkinson's masterwork

About me: I have two kids. One who is 6, one who is about 5 months old. Oh and me and pregnancy are really NOT friends. Not friends at all. Before I launch into my discussion, I am going to begin with what happened when I had Baby J a few months ago. I warned you...this is going to be a long post...please bear with me. You rock.

Part I: The Arrival of Baby J

My 2nd Pregnancy

It hadn't been an easy pregnancy. I got hyperemesis about 3 weeks pregnant which lasted in full force until about 6 1/2 months (actually when I had Baby J I was amazed at how not nauseous I was - I had been queasy the whole time). Hyperemesis is like morning sickness on steroids and crack blown up with a Giganto Ray. It is like 24/7 sea-sickness.

Then there was the preterm labor. We went into the hospital for 3 days at 24.5 weeks. And I got put on bedrest. We were back 2 nights again at 30 weeks. And then I was in the hospital for contractions about every other week (thankfully not overnight). At about 35 weeks I started itching. I was itching uncontrollably. The palms of my hands and soles of my feet itched horrifically. I had to use a hairbrush to scratch because I was leaving claw marks all over my body. I googled it thinking there was some remedy only to find out it was a hallmark symptom of Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy aka ICP

That's right, my baby was going to be a juggalo...

I called the OB, they did a blood test, and sure enough - it was ICP. And if you don't (like me) know what that is - it's a very rare complication that affects your bile levels and undiagnosed can lead to still birth in the last weeks of pregnancy. So we scheduled an induction date....

I wanted a natural home birth and I completely planned on breastfeeding exclusively the first year

When I got pregnant with Lulu (the 6 year old) I wanted a home birth. My ex-husband (her dad) nixed that idea from the get go. And eventually I realized it wasn't a good idea for me. I had hyperemesis and pre-term labor with her too. I was determined to have her naturally though. However, when I went into labor I wasn't really prepared. I lasted 12 hours and when they told me she wasn't on her way I let them talk me into an epidural. It was awful. I felt like bugs crawled under my skin. I spiked a fever. I threw up. I wanted to peel my skin off. I wound up being in labor 30 hours and I asked them not to 're up' the meds and so I had some feeling back when I delivered her. I swore I would never do that again.

I think I needed to get it on a t-shirt...

When I was expecting Baby J I told my OB I planned a natural birth. She was a great OB in about every other way - but was never very supportive of this. She always acted like I would change my mind. In addition every time I was admitted to the hospital for pre-term labor I told them I wanted a natural birth - and they all looked at me like I was nuts. In fact, one of the nurses asked me what I was thinking and then I overheard her on the phone talking about me saying 'yeah, seriously, she thinks she doesn't want an epidural'. True story.

That nurse was one of them...

The days leading up to Baby J's birth

So, basically I had been on bedrest, itching crazily, and now I was freaked out that we might somehow lose this baby which had been very difficult to get this close to term. Needless to say - I had not really been sleeping.

Friday: We get the ICP diagnosis. We go in for a stress test and baby isn't moving a lot with a low heart-rate. We are 36 weeks - induction scheduled for the following Thursday.

Saturday: Stress out/ mild contractions all day. Huge storm. At 2 am I'd been having contractions for about 5 hours so we decided to go in. Everyone else was apparently in labor too.

Sunday: 6 am they discuss admitting me. 8 am - we still haven't gone to sleep yet - they FINALLY admit me. They put in the IV, the bracelets, we call our family. They ask if I am ready to get an epidural - I tell them no - it says I'm doing this naturally thank you. The young Dr. on call comes in. Has found out Hubs is a lawyer. Tell us because I haven't changed enough and because of 'liability' they are going to send me home.... says "See, I was told it was serious, that they were about to give you an epidural"... and then we went home.

I was FURIOUS. I just KNEW it was time to have him. We napped for about 2 hours. That night I didn't sleep. I was too pissed off and anxious. I told my husband my water would have to break for me to go back to the damned hospital.

Full of the angries! And hormones! And more angries!

Monday:
5 pm...My water broke. Dead serious. I wasn't concerned. I said I was going to eat dinner and get a shower because I felt gross and I knew they wouldn't let me once I got there. Except my poor husband was freaking out so I threw on a baseball cap and let him take me to the hospital.

10 pm...They finally determine my water did indeed break (who knew it was that complicated??) and admitted me. For real this time. Believe me, I asked.

12 am...I was tired. SO tired. I hadn't slept the last 3 nights. The nurse bugged me for about the 80th time about getting an epidural. I felt like I couldn't argue anymore because labor was insane. My husband felt so powerless seeing me all laboring and stuff that he didn't know how to help. I finally caved and agreed....

1 am...They finish the epidural.

1:30 am...I've gone from a 2 to a 10 in about 35 minutes. Now I've got to 'hold him in' till the Dr comes.

2:00 am...Baby J is born!!!

Born at nearly 37 weeks - the chunkster is 7 lbs, 5 oz. and 20.5 inches long.

But the fun wasn't over yet...

When Baby J was born I felt AMAZING. Sure, I was filthy. Sure I had not slept in days. But the epidural didn't make my skin crawl. I suddenly wasn't nauseous at all. I wasn't itching. The delivery had been a breeze. I wanted to get up and run around...but you know, I couldn't because of the epidural.

I nursed him, then they took him out of the room (grrr) for his bath and check up. Daddy went with him. I was going to nap - but I was way too excited. At around 5am Baby J was back and the nurse said to try to get up so I could shower etc. I guess I had just sort of been sitting there dozing and thinking about the baby because it wasn't until then that I noticed my entire left leg was dead.

Like I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't move it at all. When I touched it - I couldn't feel it. The right leg was wobbly but it was there. I could move it. They shrugged it off, said it would come back. So I waited. And waited.

At 7 am I could feel down to my knee so the nurse tried to get me to walk. The moment I tried to put my foot down (even being held) I lost balance, my mom yelled, my ankle had rolled. It is a miracle I didn't snap it. So back in bed. Doctors started coming in. They looked concerned.

3 pm - I still couldn't move my foot.

7 pm. Same thing. I was FREAKING OUT.

11 pm they sent me for an MRI... I don't know if you've ever had an MRI but they are terrifying.

I have never had a panic attack in my life until that moment. I lost it. I couldn't cope with the claustrophobia. I pressed the button to be taken out within 2 minutes. I broke down sobbing and thank god for my amazing husband because he totally gave me the courage to handle it after the huge emotional rollercoaster I'd been on. He sat by my head when I finally got myself together enough to go do the MRI and talked to me the whole time about how we were going to do our yard...the man is amazing. I am lucky.

2 am...My foot was still immobile. I couldn't walk. I hadn't slept. I had been terrified of losing my baby and now I was terrified of being paralyzed for life. No one seemed to know why my foot wouldn't work. I knew that I needed sleep.

And we finally start to talk about breastfeeding

In spite of all this I'd been nursing and it was going great. And despite everyone else at the hospital badgering me about epidurals, the nursery nurse was a very crunchy super pro nursing kind of woman. But when I got back from the MRI I was tapped out. I told her I needed Baby J to sleep in the nursery and that I needed 7 hours to sleep...and that she could give him a bottle. She looked like she was about to try to persuade me otherwise but then she looked at my haggard red blotchy face, the puffy eyes, the lank hair and maybe realized I wasn't going to function without sleep...

That's a fair comparison between what the lovely Princess Catherine looked like a day after giving birth...and how I looked :)

So Baby J had his first bottle at about a day old...and he lived

Part II: Breast Feeding and The Mommy Wars

The Internets

Like pretty much every other mom I read a bunch of crap on the internets about parenting and pregnancy. And when it comes to breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding there is a ton of crap out there. And I do mean crap.

You have the militant mama's who say you're not a real woman if you don't breastfeed (read: a-holes). You have the women who are worried about ruining their breasts (read: super vain much?). And you have a lot of "what to say to breastfeeding haters" and "what to say to judgmental nursing moms"
(read: pretty useless stuff about as effective as telling the bully in fifth grade, "I'm rubber, you're glue..").

What complete self-absorbed money driven B.S.

So I just want to be honest. I may offend some people. So be it.

Breastfeeding may be natural...but it isn't easy

Especially if you are a first time mom. When I had Lulu I expected this synergistic organic thing to happen and she would just be a great nurser and it'd be beautiful. But I was not prepared for how difficult it is. You have babies who won't latch. You don't feel confident. You feel like it is easy for everyone else but not for you and so you're a failure. You feel like it should just happen.

And you worry. Worry they aren't eating enough. Worry if your milk quality is good enough. And you have to nurse often. And no one can help you. And you're tired. Sure breastfeeding is wonderful and it is awesome for you and your baby, but it is HARD. And if you are not prepared for that it is going to catch you off guard.

It did for me. I stopped exclusively nursing my daughter at about 6 weeks old because I felt like I was doing it wrong. She was fine. She is brilliant and I still nursed her for comfort until she was about a year old but I was so sad she went on formula so early. And I could have done it longer if I felt more confident.

Rather than shaming moms we should tell them, it's hard to nurse! But you can do it! We should tell them they aren't alone. That it does get easier. That they are still amazing if it isn't coming naturally. To stick with it.

Breastfeeding has a lots of pros for moms...but also a lot of cons.

Leaving aside the quality of breastmilk vs. formula argument for the moment, let's focus on mom. Breastfeeding is the perfect example of the double edged sword.

Part good, part crap. That sums it up.

1. Breast feeding helps you lose weight and shrink your uterus. Yes -it totally does. Most women will notice a lot of weight come off fairly quickly with nursing. It really does jump start the 'getting into those pre-baby jeans' program for you.

but then

You plateau. Because you are producing milk for another person to live off of you can't get too skinny. You need fat stores to produce the milk. So even though you lost at that weight, those obnoxious few pounds are going to stick around.

2. Breast feeding is convenient - no mess, no prep. Correct. You don't have to pack bottles and formula and filtered water. You are the production plant itself.

but then

Try sleeping. Or eating dinner. No seriously - when you are nursing, most of the time (unless you've pumped) you have to be the one to tend to baby. It is HARD WORK. And, it is annoying. Sorry, but it is. When it's 3 am and you're on your 4th feeding and your husband is sleeping and you have to nurse a grumpy baby it is not magical or beautiful for you. You just want to f*ing sleep. You aren't a bad mom for feeling this way.

I say it again - sleep people...it's for reals. You need it.

3. Breastfeeding helps ward of future pregnancy. Ok - it does. Kind of. It certainly reduces your fertility, it was one the means pre-birth control of spacing pregnancies. Your body knows it has a baby to take care of and shouldn't make another one...

but then

It is far from foolproof. Ask the thousands of mom who get pregnant again right away. Oh and it negatively affects your libido. Your body is telling you no baby...ergo wet blanket on the sex drive.

Breast feeding...this picture...kind of the same effect

4. Speaking of hormones... I think breastfeeding is supposed to keep you glowing or something (don't know about that) but I do know that while those hormones are kicking around if you (like me) got a little chloasma during pregnancy it isn't going to fade until you stop nursing.

I'm very thankful mine wasn't so dark as that.

So basically - trying to tell mom's that breastfeeding is full of happy wonderfulness only makes them feel alone and frustrated when it sucks.

Chemically Speaking Breastmilk is Best

It is. It just is. You cannot argue with this. Formula is not as good. It just isn't. Your body produces milk specifically manufactured for a human baby. The colostrum your body produces the first couple days gives your baby antibodies and immunities you cannot get from formula. I don't really care if you nurse or use formula but be honest with yourself. Whether you pump or it is from the tap giving your baby breastmilk is awesome for them. I know someone who pumped and then bottle-fed rather than nursed - hey, whatever works. You are giving your child a chemically inferior product when you give them formula. You can get mad at that fact all you want but it doesn't change it. The truth blows a lot of the time but being upset about it won't alter it. Sorry folks.

But formula won't kill or otherwise destroy your baby

Yep breastmilk is best and the complete array of benefits to baby are unknown. New research links it a decline in Alzheimer's. It is linked to higher IQs. HOWEVER - I primarily fed my Lulu formula and she is strong and brilliant and so are a lot of other kids who were fed formula. Gone are the days when Nestle peddled crap that produced sickly babies. Your baby isn't boned because you don't give him breastmilk.

And There are Times When Formula is Best

Sometimes it's not all about the chemistry. To use legalese for a moment, sometimes you have to look at the 'totality of the circumstances'. That night Baby J had his first bottle, formula was best. As they tried to fix my foot so I could walk they had some different medications they wanted to try. Ultimately they didn't conflict with nursing, but if they had I would have taken them and not nursed. A mobile mom on the whole was more important than nursing.

Luckily throughout the roughly 9 weeks it took me to get mobile again I was able to nurse exclusively. Baby J gained weight and nursed like a champ. Then when he was about 3 1/2 months he'd start crying inconsolably after nursing. Eventually I took some formula and made a bottle. The boy downed 5 ounces after nursing each side for 15 minutes. I was floored. I soon realized I couldn't keep up with him. We are now almost exclusively using formula. I still nurse him a lot but he is always still hungry for a baba.

At 4 1/2 mos he is pushing 17 lbs. He is a bottomless pit. I fear for the teenage years.

So hooray to formula. We've seen the infant mortality rate drop over time and I do not doubt that the availability of formula when nursing mothers couldn't quite keep up hasn't saved a lot of babies. Hasn't made stronger babies. It certainly has it's place.

Pumping and Working

(I added this after getting some comments - I initially left it out b/c I didn't want the post to get too long but it is relevant)

Above I said that you have to look at the totality of the circumstances. And that is absolutely true. In the United States we have an abysmal maternal leave policy. New moms only get 6 weeks (unless your employer is nice) and then they are expected to pump at work if they want to keep their baby on breast milk. It would be super awesome if mom's could take all the time they wanted home with their kids and that all work places had designated areas for dignified pumping - but they don't.

With the economy being the way it is many moms who would like to stay home can't. And there are moms that would be horrible grumpy moms if they didn't get to get out of the house and work (there is nothing wrong with that by the way, I miss working myself.). And frankly, nursing and pumping aren't always compatible with work. Babies who nurse wake up a lot in the night. And though I am at home right now, I have pumped, it is hard and I would hate to try to do that in a bathroom. I have many friends who are working and pumping and going crazy - and I don't blame them for switching to formula. And the ones that keep on pumping - you're a rock star because I'm not sure I could do it.

And that is another reason formula is wonderful. Because as great as breastmilk is, having a job that provides for your baby trumps.

The Awesome Duality of Boobs

Ok - one thing I have seen over and over again is trying to sort out boobs and sexuality. Some women feel like they can't nurse because they are used to seeing their boobs as sexual and that somehow nursing is dirty, sexual, wrong, or awkward. The hardcore nursers argue that boobs aren't sexual. They are for babies! Not men!!

I'm going to blow your mind. They are both, friends. They are both.

To start - boobs aren't the only part of female anatomy doing double duty in the sex/baby department. Also - you don't get babies without sex (duh) and so boobs...a sign of fertility...is of course going to be attractive to men. Because on a VERY basic level we're wired to reproduce.

And I think this is fantastic. I love to nurse. I love to wear dresses that make my cleavage look hot. I love both aspects. I embrace both aspects and so neither part weirds me out.

Therefore: this...but also

This. Both, people. Both.

So what about nursing in public?

So boobs are for nursing. They are also sexual. What to do about flipping them out in public? Here's my take and it is very straightforward. I don't care if you pull out your boobs but you can't blame people for looking at you funny. I used a shawl and I feel like if that makes someone feel uncomfortable they can get over their damned selves.

You really should nurse as long as you can

I know this part is going to piss a lot of people off. But I'm going for it. If you can nurse, you should. For as long as you can/feel comfy with. Whether it is 3 days or a whole year. But you should. Because it is great for the baby. If you're worried about your boobs - well, gravity is going to destroy them anyway. May as well enjoy the lower incidence of breast cancer that comes with nursing. I know that there are many reasons people can't - and a lot of them are valid. But I think you should try. Especially at first. You don't have to do it forever but a lot of being a parent is about sacrificing, and especially those first couple weeks (if you aren't having to work) you should really give it the old college try. Even though it is probably going to suck. But then again, it is not like poopy diapers and vomit are ever going to not suck.

You're going to get this surprise a lot.

Don't be that jerk off who judges - because you just don't know

When I took Baby J to his 2 day appointment I was in a wheelchair. I'd had a shower by then but I was still run ragged. I was also fighting off major depression from being terrified I'd never walk again (let me tell you signaling to your brain that you want your foot to move and having nothing happen gets your to your core). The nurses pitied me and kind of looked at me like I was a bad mom. They didn't want me to undress Baby J or help out. That made me feel worse.

Two weeks later I felt LOADS better. With a big brace I could move with a walker. I came in looking like a new person and the staff were legitimately shocked that I was the same mom. They had judged me and had NO IDEA what I had been through a couple weeks prior.

The same goes with formula feeding or breast feeding. I think it's pretty straightforward to say - hey, leave the mom who is nursing her baby at the table next to you alone. It isn't like she is changing its diaper at the table or allowing her toddler to steal a pancake off your plate (that happened to me once, before I had kids. The dad laughed it off. I have kids now, still totally unacceptable). Leave your bias at the door and stop being a goon.

To those mom's formula feeding... you don't know her story. You don't know her support network. You don't know how her job works and whether she was able to pump or not. You just don't know. And honestly...it isn't your business.

Often, this is sound advice anyway

The sum up: I think it is important to be honest about nursing and not judge ourselves too harshly when it isn't all roses. I think it is important to not be judgmental assholes. And I think that the benchmark of good parenting generally has to do with keeping your daughter off the stripper pole and your son from looking like Lil Wayne.

Avoid your kid being on this show and you're on the right track

7 Take Aways from No Take Out

2013-08-05T00:06:00.003-07:00

For the month of July my husband and I decided that we would challenge ourselves to not eating out or getting take out for the entire month....oh and we were each going to go to the gym 10 times.

Let's start with the fail. The gym. We suck. We really really suck. Neither of us went even once. SIGH.

I wrote a whole post on this particular topic already but suffice to say I am really disappointed in myself because I need to just embrace the fact that it is going to blow, my face is going to turn red, I'll be embarrassed, and it will feel like I accomplished nothing. And more importantly, remind myself that it doesn't stay that way and I'll feel awesome later.

On to the not eating out. Without having to go back in time and read all my posts I'm going to sum up the situation before the 'July Challenge'. Despite being a pretty good cook, the hubstar and I would eat out all the time. I'm talking 2 - 3 times a week. It was out of control. It cost a huge amount of money and it was terribly unhealthy.

I'm copying this from an earlier post because it kind of sums up the money issue...

Here's some horrible math I just did: this is London. A trip to London for a week would be about $5000. If the average meal out for 2 is $35 that trip is worth 143 meals out. So if you were eating out twice a week in 18 months you could have had an awesome trip. Now figure the math if you're eating out more than that. *shudder*

And while we failed on the workout portion, we pretty much rocked the no eating out. We each had one justifiable cheat (he had a work thing and my grandmother really wanted me to take her out to lunch at her favorite spot and I didn't have it in me to say no but I just got a soup and salad). And then, a couple days ago, on the 30th we jumped the gun and grabbed pizza from our favorite spot...but we didn't eat out tonight so I'm going to count it as a win.

But here's the funny thing. When we did finally get that pizza we'd been looking forward to...it sort of wasn't worth it. The pizza was delicious but it wasn't insanely better than the stuff we'd made at home. And the $28.00 we spent felt kind of like a waste. It was kind of anti-climatic...

...maybe like a flavor orgy...I don't know...meh

Anyhow, so like every lame grade school assignment ever - please allow me to discuss what I learned...

1. Eating out is every bit as expensive as I thought

Dude - I did the math. Holy crap - not eating out REALLY helped us. We really cut down on our food costs and I think it truly gave us an appreciate of just how much much money we were spending.

Or, you know, saving fat stacks bitches!

2. It's also very easy to blow a ton of money at the grocery store and some meals at home cost about as much as takeout.

On the flip side, the grocery bill was no where near as low as I thought it would be. I think I was so excited about the money we saved by not eating out that I wasn't as careful with my shopping. It really added up fast. I also decided to get creative a couple nights and by the time I bought new ingredients, spices, meats, etc the bill for one meal at home could be around $20. So, moving forward I definitely need to manage that better.

Not as much as you'd think :/

3. I'd rather spend the money on things other than food

When I looked at the pizza receipt I was bummed. For $28 I could have bought this cute owl lamp I saw at World Market last week. An owl lamp I could have loved and my husband could have tolerated.

Squee! It's uber cute!

And also this month I took the hubs I took my husband to get a couple's massage for the first time. I made a convert of him. We both agree that doing fun stuff like that trumps Chipotle because we're too lazy to cook.

Despite my complete lack of rhythm and inability to dance I feel like taking up Ballroom Dancing is a good move for us...

4. I didn't lose weight like I expected I would.

This part was a huge bummer. HUGE. In the beginning I figured that even without going to the gym I'd notice some substantial skinniness happening from the mere fact that I wouldn't be stuffing my face with greasy crap. This did not happen. In fact - to my shame - I gained about a pound. And I know exactly what happened - I completely over compensated for not eating out. We made lots of delicious complicated meals at home and lots of treats too.

I made this Key Lime Pie and then pretty much ate the whole thing. I blame Hubstar for not sneaking more of it during his midnight refrigerator raids...

It was pretty much the Diet Coke Effect...

I essentially substituted Phad Thai with cheesy potatoes. Not good.

5. There is more to eating out than just getting food

From pretty much as far back as my knowledge of history goes (circa Greece 500BCE ish...probably...I don't know...like some Sumerians and a small bit about cave men) people have gathered for feasts. Eating for humans is very social. We turned down a couple opportunities to go out to eat with friends and family and in the end both Hubs and I realized sometime you have to eat out. My Gram lives at a swanky (and I'm not kidding dude it is very nice) retirement community with it's own in-building restaurant but she can't drive, doesn't really cook, and misses eating out with my Granddad (who has since passed) so you know I'm not really going to say no when she wants to grab lunch.

This is one of the lounges at her place. Dude. If this is 'senior living' I'm so in.

6. Eating out is a life saver when you've had the day from hell...or just made a batch of inedible crap...

I can't tell you how many times this month I was tempted to pick up food because I didn't get anything done that day, forgot key ingredients at the grocery store, and the children were just on fire with their neediness. But I got through it - sometimes with frozen food, sometimes with just throwing on my big girl pants, and I am proud of that. But nothing - nothing at all - was so tempting as when I completely screwed up dinner.

We'd had huge success with this homemade Lemon Chicken from an Asian cookbook we bought that I decided to make these spicy Thai meatballs with peanut sauce for dinner. I'd been jonesing for them for a solid week. I spent stupid cash buying the ingredients. And they were GOD AWFUL. I don't want to shunt responsibility but I really do think it was the recipe or my palate or whatever. They were so gross we just tossed them all out and I was left with no yummy dinner, out $20, a filthy kitchen, and a belly full of heartache. And in that moment I would have killed (ok, maybe paper-cutted) for take-out Chinese. Instead I ate cereal and yogurt. It sucked.

It was a super big sad.

7. Like pretty much everything else - it is all about balance

Last Friday the Hubs and I were downtown for a work event and after we popped in to one of our favorite and ridiculously pricey places to eat (the kind of place you go to propose or something) for drinks and a stupid expensive appetizer. But it was worth it. It was amazing being out, just the two of us, somewhere we loved to go. It was worth it because eating out was special again - because it wasn't just out of laziness or boredom or because I forgot to buy chicken again...it was because we just wanted to enjoy some great atmosphere and time together.

These are their candied jalapenos. Screw ambrosia..these are the real deal.

And when we do go out from now on, I hope we remember that. And I also realized that eating in isn't a license to go buy everything at the store or eat cheese covered cheese potatoes all the time.

Cheese covered cheese potatoes as originally found when I was in Stuttgart.

All in all this was a great thing to do. I really gave us some great perspective on our habits - good and bad. I'll be honest I don't think I never want to eat out again or anything crazy like that, but I have found a huge love for eating in. I think the convenience, accessibility, and relatively low price (so it would seem) of eating out or picking up food makes it very easy to succumb to it but I think that most people could stand to really take a break from it and see how much of a habit it becomes.

Finally.......wheeeeeee!!!!! Friday Night Thai is back baby!!!!!!!

The Hoard

2013-07-28T22:11:00.001-07:00

Maybe you don't know this, but I was on bed rest for several months with both my pregnancies. Talking about the totality of the suckage that is bed rest is really its own post so all I'm going to say right now is that bed rest = a lot of tv watching.

I'm not a huge tv fan. I mostly listened to audiobooks and played video games (I'm not sure that's better?)

I'm good so long as I'm the British or the Dutch. I'm a hot mess as the Russians.

But you know, you're up there bored as hell in your bed, and eventually the tv goes on. Now there is just a lot of crap on tv. Most of it is legitimately unwatchable.

Why? Why? I mean, TV has made Friends and Cheers and Breaking Bad...why this? I'm pretty sure Mighty Morphin Power Rangers had more depth than this...

Then there is the junk that really should be unwatchable and yet you watch it anyhow. Like a moth to flame. Like a train wreck you can't turn away from. Like the rest of the Doritos in the bag. You know you should change the channel. You know you're better than what you're watching. Only deep down you know you aren't. You have to watch.

I friggin love this show. I have no excuse and while my lovely husband likes to joke that he's going to start sleeping with one eye open he totally gets into it when I turn it on.

And finally there is Hoarders. I'm not sure what to say about Hoarders. I don't really seek it out. I'm more likely to binge on Yard Crashers, but whenever it's on I have to watch it. And I don't think I'm alone here. I found out about this show because friends would talk about it - in a whispery kind of way - saying how it is awful and disturbing but they couldn't look away.

There is this bizarre appeal to the show. Something delightfully horrifying. Something depressingly familar. Something that is a cross between a cautionary tale and a 'there but for the grace of God go I' sort of thing.

Holy crap. A level fiver. Dead bodies? I mean, do I even want to know?

The thing is I think Hoarders scares the crap out of everyone. I mean look - on it's face it's disturbing. People putting their 'waste' in bags on the living room floor. Rodent infestation. Old food (I just shuddered thinking of that). My husband flat out refuses to watch the show. But beyond the veneer of awfulness is the knowledge that clutter is like some kind of modern Hydra waiting for you to get distracted and then multiply and take over your life.

You know, or you just switch addictions and let coke do it for you... :/

I feel like deep down I'm kind of a frustrated anti-hoarder (and no, people who know me, no yelling, dammit woman have you seen your art room?! Especially you hubster <3). The fact is that I would really like to go through everything I own and get rid of/ organize it all and be left with this gorgeous home. But it never quite happens.

I'm pretty sure if I cleaned up my whole house and bought purple lights it wouldn't look exactly completely unlike this picture.

My problem is The Hoard.

For me The Hoard is not (thankfully) a bunch of dead cats I've been collecting...(probably).

Good money's on her watching the whole episode anyway...

For me The Hoard is the accumulated mass of crap that I have had since undergrad, because I realized that I've been meaning to do the 'Great Clean Out' since circa 2005 but have not and have instead simply moved and grown the hoard through five states and almost a decade. I think I still have unpacked boxes from senior year somewhere.

I'm not a graphic designer (I'm barely competent in Paint) but if I could I think The Hoard would be anthropomorphized like this:

Only The Hoard doesn't sing and give me mystical advice

I have often tried to analyze why I have not yet tackled and destroyed The Hoard. There are many obstacles.

1. Invariably every time I get rid of something or clean it out - I need it. Case in point, I had 2 paint brushes in my car that my husband cleaned out. 3 days later I took my grandmother to paint pottery and their brushes sucked. I thought "Oooo, I'll go grab the brushes out of...DAMMIT!"

I think they call this negative reinforcement?

2. I have an inner tree-hugger. Every time I throw something away that could be useful I feel extreme and irrational amounts of guilt.

I feel like I'm simultaneously starving Jean Valjean's sister's children and endangering adorable species all in one go

3. I don't know where to start. If I clean out one room the excess is going to need a place to be put away ...like one of the other rooms...which isn't cleaned out.

It's like Jenga. Or M.C. Escher. Or the Gordian Knot. Definitely the last one.

I think the key move here is to clean out the entire garage and build shelving units but that requires I learn carpentry and it not be summertime in Texas...

4. But then when I clean up one area it seems to magically pop up in another area.

Nope. Nope. Can't win. Nope.

5. So I think the answer is plastic tubs. If I hoard anything it's probably plastic tubs.

When I find the elusive configuration of the correct size/number of tubs all my mess will magically disappear.

6. I had a yard sale once. It scarred me and I wasn't prepared. People showed up early before I could even price stuff and I'm pretty sure people stole stuff and it ...it just wasn't fun. No not fun at all.

These guys (and this is actually my street) were nothing compared to the vultures who descended upon our community garage sale. It was scary.

So I sit, amidst the chaos, and just sort of make peace with the fact that I am not super organized sleek grown up lady but am instead Frat-Boy-In-Thirty-Year-Old-Woman's-Body. But then Hoarders comes on and....

I get a good solid 30 minutes of fear driven cleaning per episode

I'm still pretty sure the answer is more plastic tubs....

Key Lime Pie

2013-07-20T12:56:00.002-07:00

Yummy and Tart!

So real Key Lime Pie is not green. It's not super sweet. It is, however, super tasty.

It isn't a hard dessert to make - and while there are a couple pieces of equipment that help you can do it with stuff you already have. The only time consuming part is juicing the key limes. Not going to lie - that part takes awhile.

Key Limes are not like regular limes and you can't substitute them out. Luckily most dedicated groceries stores (i.e. HEB or Publix vs. Walmart/Target) carry key limes. I've found them in IN, GA, and TX.

The sugary sweet of the graham cracker crust and whip cream help offset the super tart lime custard - it is the perfect summer treat! I was going to garnish it with some sliced key limes but...I threw them out without thinking (still kicking myself) I will definitely re-post with a better picture next time I make it!

Special Equipment:

1. Glass pie pan
2. Food processor (or baggie and meat tenderizer/fist)
3. Juicer (or elbow grease)
4. Sieve
5. Microplane grater

Ingredients:

for Crust

1. 1 1/4 cup crushed graham crackers (about 9) - make sure they are plain and not cinnamon
2. 2 tbsp sugar
3. 6 tbsp melted butter

For Filling

1. 1 can sweetened condensed milk
2. 1/2 cup plus 1 1/2 tbsps key lime juice
3. zest of 1 key lime (for added tartness but you can omit)
4. 4 egg yolks

For Topping

1. Premade whip cream
or
1. 1 cup heavy whipping cream
2. 2 1/2 tbsp sugar
3. 1 1/2 tsp vanilla

Directions:

1. Preheat your oven to 350F

2. Juice your key limes. This may take you awhile which is why I suggest doing it first.

I slice a bunch of key limes in advance so I don't have to keep stopping to cut more

I like to use a juicer, then I strain into a measuring cup.

My key lime juice and zest

3. Make your crust. Crush your graham crackers into tiny crumbs. I've done it with a baggie and my fist but it is WAY easier with a food processor.

It took 30 seconds. It was awesome.

Add your sugar to your crumbs and mix. Then add your melted butter to create a loose crumb mixture.

I had a super cute helper!

4. Press your crust down into your pie plate. You don't need grease because of the butter. You may have extra crust.

All dumped in.

The pre-baked crust - all pressed down

5. Bake the crust for 10 minutes.

6. Meanwhile, mix your condensed milk and 4 egg yolks. Then whisk in your key lime juice and zest.

7. When your crust is done, take it out. Leave the oven on. Pour your filling into the still hot crust.

It will look a lot more yellow. My camera was being weird.

Bake for about 15-18 minutes until set (i.e. if you shake it gently it won't slosh)

Pie is baked!

8. Cool your pie completely and then cover and chill for 6 hours or overnight.

9. When you are ready to serve - make your whip cream by beating all your whip cream ingredients until stiff peaks form. Then top your key lime pie with whip!

All done and ready to devour!

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

2013-07-17T16:52:00.002-07:00

When I was a kid I used to love the grocery store. I wanted everything in it. I wanted to try to cook everything in it. I used to want to go through the produce section and know what every kind of fruit and vegetable was. My favorite aisle was the spices - I wanted to read about every one. I sort of felt like I was this special genius chef child and my mother was lucky to have me.

Holy crap this 14 year old kid is a 5 star chef. He started learning because he hated his mother's cooking. My retroactive jealously gears are in hyper-drive. #Couldabeenme

When I became an adult, my mother told me how after epic 2 hour trips to the grocery store with me she'd sometimes finish buckling me in, shut the minivan door, and fantasize about maybe just not getting back in the car....

I like to think it was because she was too embarrassed to be seen in that lame ass van...

Then I got older and go could to store by myself and it'd be awesome because I could take my time looking at all the awesome ingredients and come up with all kinds of recipe ideas. I just couldn't buy any of it because I was a poor broke undergrad.

Yeah, you're going to need to scale that sirloin and potatoes au gratin down to hotdogs and mac 'n cheese.

And here I am now - a legit grown up, ruler of my own kitchen, able to afford more than Ramen...
and all my love for the grocery store has been crushed to smithereens

It was beautiful while it lasted baby...

Why praytell? I will tell you...children, the highway, and possibly husbands (well, in the singular - nothing about 'Brother Husbands' sounds good).

When we bought the house one of the major advantages (in my mind) was that we were about a mile from the grocery store. Heck, its even on the same street! My favorite grocery store. The best grocery store EVER: HEB

I've lived all over the U.S. I've been to Meier, Publix, Martins, Winn-Dick-Me (erm..Dixie), Albertsons, Kroger, Safeway, and Walmart. I don't care what you say, my grocery store is better than your grocery store. :)

Except there is just one fairly massive problem. There's a huge mother highway you have to cross to get there, there are like zero left turn lanes, people drive like absolute morons and its just one big clusterf**k.

The above description was confusing, I've added a map...

Discounting shopping time, it takes at least 35 minutes (on a good day) to get there, park, and then leave again, and get home. Home which is 1.5 miles away.

I hate you worst configured parking lot ever

Blerg.

So then there is always the option of sending the hubster to do the grocery shopping. This presents its own mess of problems.

Two Things:

One: My husband doesn't cook. He's taken up grilling lately and is kicking ass, but - let's put it this way - when I first met him he didn't own any mixing bowls and had a pantry full of spam, fun-sized chips, and Shake N Bake. He's coming around, but it's a process.

Hubs only needs three food groups

This means sending him to the grocery not only takes him AGES but generally involves at least 3 clarifying phone calls.

True story: I was making fancy schmancy chicken breasts and sent him to the store. On my list I had prosciutto among other things. Hubs calls me for the fourth time.

Hubs: Hey honey, hope this is a special dinner because wow that prosciutto is crazy expensive.
Me: Yeah, but you know its really tasty, I think you'll like it
Hubs: I'm sure I will, but baby, I'm not sure we can really make this one meal a lot.
Me: I mean, its not that bad (suspicion mounts)....wait, how much did you buy?
Hubs: A pound.

Now, there are some of you (and I'm not judging) who are saying to yourself - I don't get it. So, here's the thing. Prosciutto is a smoked Italian ham. It is delicious. It is about $16/lb. You generally buy it by the slice.

Of all the things I made with prosciutto that week, I admit, it did not occur to me to make a rose...

Two: Firstly, my husband doesn't drink, smoke, or stay out late. He doesn't drink coffee (I'm actually pretty sure this means he isn't a real lawyer). But he does have one horrible vice. He is a junk food fiend. How he doesn't weigh as much as Caligula's famed pleasure barge is beyond me.

So if he goes to the grocery store, in addition to whatever was on the list, he will come home with chips, beef jerky, and gummy worms. He had to do a bunch of the grocery shopping when I was on bedrest and would buy bags of pork rinds and hide them on the top pantry shelf. I know this because my mom ratted him out. (Its not really that I care that he eats junk food it's just there is a huge history of heart disease in his family and I worry about the sodium. I'm his wife, what can I say? I want the dude to stick around.) But what is worse, MUCH WORSE, is that in order to make me his accomplice he buys ME things I can't say no to.

The bastard.

Oh orange gummy slices, thou shalt be my undoing

So invariably I do most of the grocery shopping. But then there is the last and final of the trifecta of grocery-love-destroying entities: the children.

Baby J is not so bad. He tends to sleep the whole time, but he weighs about 16 lbs independent of the carrier and woof - one more thing to lug around.

How do I not have shredded arms?

But Lulu? Sigh. I love her - she is awesome. She is smart and independent and she loves to cook. And she MOSTLY is pretty good at the store. But eventually...and this has been every single trip for the last 14 trips at least...we get to Tummy Stuffers.

The trip starts well. She wants to cross the groceries off the list. Cool. She wants to ride in the cart...cool. Wait, now she wants back out...ok...still cool. Oh shit! It's cold in here! She demands a jacket (in Texas...in the summer)...well, fair enough. She helps me pick out produce and then right as we get in our stride...boom!

"Mommy, can we find the Tummy Stuffers?"

We go from this:

Check the orange for soft spots! Great job pumpkin!

to this:

But they are really REALLY awesome and I've never had one ever before!

In about 5 minutes.

What is a Tummy Stuffer? Are you, like I was, ignorant of such a thing? Allow me to enlighten you.

This is a Tummy Stuffer.

It already looks cheap and repellent

Why, pray, is it called a Tummy Stuffer? Because you are apparently supposed to stuff all your crap, toys, dirty laundry, down his throat.

Because what mom doesn't want there to be a secret treasure trove of dirty socks, cookie bits, and interesting 'rocks' they found at the store?

I mean, who came up with this? Do they have children? Do they know children? They are like magpies but without the standards. Children love to collect and hoard and while I definitely see the appeal of why the young ones would love this - I would be legit terrified to look in one of those things after 6 months in a kid's room.

But seriously...every doggone time. I don't even think HEB has Tummy Stuffers...

So in the end the shopping winds up being this epic 2 1/2 hour ordeal and when I get home I'm just tired and grumpy and I don't even want to cook up all the awesome stuff I just bought and just order Thai instead.

In sum, all I can say is that I am really glad my mom never actually left me in the parking lot. Now when the hubs realizes you narced on him.....well, I still love you mom <3

Three Cheese Lasagna

2013-07-15T20:48:00.001-07:00

The best part about this recipe is that it makes one for now and one for later!

Lasagna is one of those foods that can look kind of intimidating because of all the layers and ingredients. But really its a simple dish to put together once you know how! Also, it freezes well and makes for great leftovers. It is also a fantastic dish to make for a friend who just had a baby!

She just made a human. She shouldn't have to make dinner.

The recipe below will make either one huge lasagna or two small ones. I prefer to make two small ones when I'm just cooking at home for us because otherwise there are tons of leftovers that won't get eaten. Bear this in mind if you're bringing a dish to a new family - unless they are a family of five ravenous beasts chances are they won't down a whole lasagna in one sitting. The best part is that for us we get four meals total out of this recipe which is quite cost effective. But if you're a family of four where everyone actually eats their dinner (as opposed to two grown ups, the fussiest eater on the planet, and a newborn) it'll probably only give you two dinners.

Special Equipment

A large lasagna pan (I prefer glass or ceramic)
or 2 small rectangular baking pans (I really just make do with whatever I have in my house)
*If you're making for someone else, they make awesome disposable baking pans - go check your grocery store!

Ingredients

1. Roughly 4 cups of Marinara Sauce (you can use jarred sauce if you prefer BUT 1 batch of my marinara sauce made me 2 spaghetti and meatballs dinners, 1 pizza, and 2 small lasagnas. I defrosted the rest of my sauce for this!)
2. 1 package of lasagna noodles
3. 2 1/2 cups of shredded mozzarella cheese (you can do it with more or less to taste)
4. 3/4 cup of shredded asiago and Parmesan cheese (it is not necessary to add these cheeses if you don't want to)
For Ricotta Mixture
5. 30 oz best quality ricotta cheese (not to be a food snob, but to be a food snob, there is a huge difference between excellent ricotta and good ricotta, if you can - spring for the good stuff. But for the love of all things holy, if you use cottage cheese instead, don't tell me - I'll cry. Not saying its bad, I'm just a purist)
6. 2 tbsp fresh chopped parsley (its like 50 cents a bunch - get some)
7. 1 tbsp Italian seasonings (I like to use fresh herbs when I have them - but I don't like spending $8 for them - so use what you have to hand you're looking for oregano, basil, and rosemary)
8. 1/8 tsp nutmeg
9. 1 egg
10. 1 tsp salt

*If you want this to be meat lasagna just add a pound of browned and crumbled sausage to the marinara sauce

Directions

1. If you are making your sauce - make it now and set aside.

2. Preheat your oven to 375 F, use olive oil to lightly grease your pan(s)

3. Cook your noodles according to the package, drain, and set aside.

4. Make your ricotta mixture. Finely chop up your parsley.

You want it in itty bitty bits

Mix your ricotta, salt, parsley, nutmeg, and Italian seasonings in a bowl. Do not add the egg yet. Take a taste - do you like it? Does it need more salt? Tweak the seasonings before you add the egg. (Ain't nothing sexy about salmonella). When it tastes right - add the egg.

My finished ricotta mixture

5. Now its time to assemble the lasagna. I'm giving directions for how to make two small ones - just double my amounts for a large pan. Remember this isn't about exact measurements. Just don't skimp on the sauce or it will be dry.

Spread about 1/4 cup of red sauce on the bottom of your pan.

Its going to keep the noodles from sticking to the bottom

Then layer your noodles on top. Trim them if they are too long.

They don't have to be perfect.

Use a spoon to spread a thick layer of the ricotta mixture over the noodles (you should have plenty and I guess I forgot to get a picture of this step - but you can do it. I know you can). Then sprinkle mozzarella cheese over the ricotta mixture. Add a little of the Asiago/Parm mix. Then top with red sauce.

The first layer.

Repeat that step one more time. Then put one last layer of noodles on top. Spread a little more red sauce on top of that. Then top with mozzarella/asiago/parm mixture.

Layers of delicious goodness waiting to be baked!

Here's a diagram:

I made it in Paint! I'm hardcore

6. Bake, covered with foil for 30 minutes. Uncover and bake another 25 minutes until golden and bubbly. (I like to assemble my second to-freeze one while the first one bakes)

Layers of yum

The Worst Pick Up Ever

2013-07-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I was in law school and I wasn't happily married. During this period I would often go out to study at Starbucks or occasionally Barnes and Noble.

I don't study without coffee. I have standards. Actually, I'm not sure I do much of anything without coffee...

And from time to time in those single days I'd get picked up. Most were completely forgettable, but one, one stands out in a blaze of awful glory.

See, I was a single mom back in those law school days and so full evenings out to go study at one of my favorite places, Barnes and Noble, were few and far between. But this night one of my best friends offered to man the fort (or man the Lulu) while I tried to catch up.

I had picked Barnes and Noble because in the old days they didn't have internet. And no internet means more studying.

Because I know all I'd do is check Facebook, CNN, and eBay

I found a table - a whole table to myself. Opened my books and put in my headphones.

And everyone knows putting in headphones is the international sign for go F off.

I think I had been studying maybe 15 minutes when I got a...

"Hey.."

I turned and looked and saw two guys sitting at the table behind me. Average looking guys - probably early 20s. One of them tapped me on the shoulder and again said 'Hey' with a huge grin. I sort of made production of taking out my ear buds, putting a marker in my book, and said 'Oh sorry - did you need the outlet or something?"

Guy: "No, no it's cool. We're just studying. I don't need to plug my laptop or anything. You studying too?"

Me: "Yeah...actually, I have a lot of studying to do."

See? I don't think you caught it, but I was kind of busy.

Guy: He pulls his chair around and gets *realclose* to my chair. "Oh yeah, me too. Lots cuz like I'm trying to you know get through this class at community college man. What are you studying?"

I really REALLY just want you to go.

Me: "Um, law and actually I'm really behind...."

Guy: "Law! Wow you're too pretty to be studying law (which makes about strike 5 right now). Could have used you when I was trying to get off parole."

Me: "Oh...yeah parole, yeah" (I'm fumbling at this point)

This is how it would have gone down

Now he stands up and comes sits at my table and closes my book and moves it. Like its nothing. And at this point I'm screwed because I realize Holy crap, I not going to be able to tell him to go shut the hell up and let me study because it would feel too impolite.

My internal Miss Manners was really screwing me

So he starts to tell me about how he was in Florida and he got in with a bad crowd and they pressured, made him really, sell drugs. How he got caught. How he'd had a rough upbringing and he used to like to party but now he only liked to drink and smoke pot. How he remembered how terrible it was sitting on the caged bus driving off to a detention center (but not prison apparently I was really confused at this point). And it made him think of these moments in his childhood....

And the world ended. And then a collision. And then swampy soupy things. Then they came out of the water and grew legs and then thumbs and then built things like chairs where this guys was sitting and STILL telling me his life story.

And this whole time I'm just sort of nodding and completely impotent to stop this epic autobiography. Finally he seems to near the end and tells me:

Guy: So you know I really decided to turn my life around and so I'm starting community college and I really want to help people you know like really help them. And I wanted to be a doctor but the chemistry stuff is too hard (actually - had to agree with him on this). So I think I'm going to be doing Sociology because its about how you can transform as a person...

Wrong. It's about how you can transform as a person.

I had kind of zoned out but then he lifted up his shirt. Not just a little bit. He almost took it off. In the middle of Barnes and Noble. And revealed.... (no B.S.)

Ok, obviously I didn't take a picture but it was Optimus Prime and it went from his waist to his armpit. Not exaggerating. Not a bit.

Guy (and this one is a direct quote): "And so I got this so I could always remember that people can transform themselves."

I stuttered. I stumbled. I think I said something like 'Wow, that's quite the tattoo' because he reached in his wallet and fished out this tattoo artist's card and told me I should really go seem him next time I wanted a tat.

Then he asked me for my number.

Ok...ok..he was only smoking pot these days. But tell me its not funny.

Epilogue: I didn't give him my number, said I had to go home, and later that night someone busted in my car and stole my laptop and all my law books (true story). But Barnes and Noble made it up to me because that's where I met my husband. Who doesn't even have one Transformers tattoo.

So how bout you? Bad pick up story? Do share!

July Challenge Day 13: And This is Why I'm Fat

2013-07-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

There is a website called This Is Why You're Fat. If you haven't seen it - you should check it out. It is an orgy of food that is practically preparing the first degree murder of your arteries.

This is a Cronut. A croissant donut. It makes me ashamed, but I'd probably eat that.

A lot of the foods on there are things made by depraved calorie hoarding individuals at home

A bacon mug filled with cheddar. Perhaps..too much bacon? I think I just blasphemed

But a healthy (har har) chunk come from restaurants which was a large part of why we started the July Challenge not to eat out. Take Cheesecake Factory for instance - it tops almost every list of foods with the most calories ever. Their French Toast Napoleon has something like 2300 calories.

It even looks like a crime scene.

But even when you're eating in you can still do a number on yourself. I gained a WHOLE pound from yesterday morning to yesterday evening apparently. The culprit of course being an awesome pool party at my friend Sydney and Chris's parents house laden with some of the best food ever. Food I did not photograph because I was too busy eating it and having a great time.

We're actually doing great on our July Challenge. No eating out. Its kind of shocking - but also pretty fantastic. In a pleasant way its been kind of natural - kind of like breaking a bad habit. There has been temptation but we've fought it. When said friends suggested we get take out this Friday when we get together we were almost like 'Yay! Friday Night Thai!" but then we remembered...

No Thai.

Buuuut admittedly I am sucking it up hardcore at the gym portion. I haven't even gone once. Man that's lame. And the worst part is I don't even rea-lly have an excuse. Well, I have tons but they are all crap.

So I'm kind of sitting here trying to figure out why.

Then clearly my Federal Taxation Professor had NO idea what he was talking about...

And there a couple key things that I am coming up with.

1. Fat is a weird concept. Pretty much every woman who has had a baby (except Gisele Bundchen) thinks she's fat. Oh and pretty much every woman who hasn't had a baby thinks she's fat too. That's a lot of fat. And fat is a nasty word that makes people feel like crap. And yet being 'skinny' isn't the pinnacle of beauty either.


Adele: definitely not skinny. Definitely crazy gorgeous.

Yet 'fat' exists (read: medically obese) and it really isn't good. It's dangerous and unhealthy to carry a bunch of excess weight and you feel really sluggish. But I'd venture to say that most of the women who think they're fat aren't actually obese.

But you know that distinction doesn't exactly make you feel better when you put on a bikini

I think its OK to kind of want to punch her - but only because she's a smug bitch

2. I don't think I look that bad. Don't get me wrong - the clunky thighs, the lack of flat stomach, and the fact that I only fit into about 50% of my pre-pregnancy clothes really drives me nuts. But I'm at that odd phase where I'm not totally horrified about how I look but yet still feel flabby and gross. It doesn't really make sense.

I've been trying to get back to my 'fighting weight' by tracking using reverse milestones:

Pre-Birth Weight: 159 (bed rest BLOWS)
Immediate Post-Birth Weight: 147
Highest Pre-Baby Number 1 Weight: 134 (courtesy of eating lots of McDonald's in undergrad)
Current Weight: 129.3
Post-Bar Exam/ Pre-Baby Number 2 Weight: 126 (someone ate A LOT of junk while studying Con Law)
'Normal Weight' - 119 (maintained this roughly for the last three years- you know before I screwed it up being a lump while I studied)
All Time Best Holy Crap I look Hot Weight: 112 (It was at age 28 after baby number 1 so it is possible!!!)

See? Right in the middle. It's bad, but not so awful that I can't stand the mirror. So that urgency to work out is sort of like - meh. Maybe.

Or a velociraptor...that'd probably work too...

3. My stinking husband keeps feeding me positive reinforcement like telling me I'm hot and he loves me and I'm beautiful and crap (I eat it up - not going to lie).

The other morning he made a run to the grocery store to grab me a coffee and get donuts (and it doesn't matter how many times I tell him 'DON'T GET ME A DONUT' he does...and I eat it. The shame.). And he comes back and tells me they were out of my favorite donut. And I was like - yes! There will be no donut of shame this morning!!

It's easy to resist when it's not in front of you!!!

But you know what that man did? He bought me a plain donut just in case AND a banana nut muffin AND two (seriously two) asiago bagels AND a bag of my favorite orange gummy slices. I mean wow. If that isn't a big old pile of 'I'm a-ok with how you look' I don't know what is.

Either that or he is actively trying to fatten me up...

....no. Right? Naw...

You know the truth is that I don't feel like I need to be rail thin. I don't think weighing 90 lbs soaking wet is the only way to be beautiful, you know, I just want to be comfy in my own skin. And we all know there is really one reason we work out...

You know, so if the hubster is all about me...

So I think the fact is that I just need to kick myself in the pants and go. Just go the gym. It's nearby. It has babysitting which it completely affordable. I just need to go. Sigh.

Anyone else having fun finding the motivation to work out? Running into similar obstacles? Figured out how to get in awesome shape so you don't feel like an out of shape slug?

Making Martha: Ginger Chicken Stir Fry

2013-07-11T20:46:00.002-07:00

This was devoured in probably under 20 minutes...

So while this recipe technically falls under 'Making Martha' as it is from one of her cookbooks, it's actually one of the few recipes that doesn't leave out vital steps or assume the home cook had, say, about 2 years in an elite French cooking academie. But that might be because this is from the editors of Martha Stewart Living (read: minions) and so is for us neophytes...

All that being said - its flipping delicious. I was straight up surprised at how yummy this dish is. And so with no further ado here is my take on this dish. (Obviously this is not wholly my recipe but I did add all the detailed steps I used)

Special Equipment:

1. Wok (or large saute pan)
2. Cheese grater (with the small holes)

Ingredients

1. 1 1/2 lbs of chicken - trim and cut into strips. I used chicken breasts, but I think next time I'll cut up tenderloins.
2. Salt and Pepper
3. 2 tbsp olive oil
4. 1 large white onion - thinly sliced
5. 1 red pepper - de-seeded sliced into strips
6. 4 cloves of garlic, minced
7. 1 1/2 tsp. fresh grated ginger (peeled)
8. 3 tbsp soy sauce
9. 3 tbsp rice vinegar
10. 1 1/2 tsp cornstarch mixed w/ 1 tbsp water
11. A head of Butter Lettuce

Directions:

1. Note: Because you are going to be adding ingredients fast, I HIGHLY suggest laying out all your ingredients first. You won't really have time to go measure and keep the stir fry going because it might burn or overcook.

Most of my ingredients - all prepped.

2. If you only have one cutting board - cut up your veggies first that way you don't contaminate it with chicken. Peel your onion getting rid of all the hard outer layer and slice. You can use a mandolin or do it by hand. Tonight, I couldn't be bothered to use a mandolin, even though its SOO easy to slice with it, for the the simple reason that I had no desire to clean it up.

This is a mandolin. And tonight the laziness of not wanting to clean beat out the laziness of not wanting to cut by hand. It was a close call.

3. Cut your red pepper into strips and get rid of all the seeds in the inside. I find the easiest way to do this is to get a paring knife and cut the top and bottom off and then slice it down the middle. Cut away the inner flesh and then cut into thin strips.
4. Mince your garlic.
5. Peel your ginger. Use a normal vegetable peeler.

This weird looking creature is unpeeled ginger. Higher end grocery stores should have it. Its kind of expensive so I always dig through the bin and find a tiny one (this cost me 68 cents)

This is peeled ginger.

6. Grate your ginger using the cheese grater. I tried a microplane grater and it was just all kinds of fail. Also grating ginger yield a kind of liquidy pulp. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but it sure tastes good still.

I have a lot of graters (don't judge me) this is the one that I used

7. Trim and cut your chicken into small strips. Remove all the fat and gross bits. Then season with salt and pepper - this just means shake a healthy bit of each on there.

Again - raw chicken is hella gross.

8. Measure and set aside all your ingredients by the stove.
9. Get your wok and 1 tbsp olive oil nice and hot (I set it at an 8) the key to good stir fry is the cooking it hot and fast (have fun with the innuendos!). Toss your chicken in and stir and fry it. Cook it until it's white throughout with little bits of gold on the edges. About 6 minutes for me. (Martha says she does it in four- but she's just better than I am)

Stirring the meat around - its not cooked here - see the pink?

10. When its cooked put the chicken in a clean bowl - don't clean the wok.
11. Turn the heat down to 6 and toss in the onions and red peppers. Cook until the peppers are soft and the onions are transparent.

All done!

12. Add your ginger and garlic and cook for about a minute mixing it the whole time. Martha says until its 'fragrant'. So if that helps you- there it is.
13. Add your soy sauce, your rice vinegar, and cornstarch mixture and remove from heat. Throw the cooked chicken all all the juices in your wok and mix it all up!
14. Serve with lettuce and wrap like tacos. Then grab the serving fork and hoard some...because these are going to go fast.

I LOVE feedback - so comments, criticisms, observations? Tell me :) Have some tips to make it better? Please share!

15 Life Lessons as Learned from my 6 Year Old Girl

2013-07-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

Everyone on Facebook/the Internet/ Chicken Soup for the Soul Vol. 349 has heard stories of little children in their wisdom and innocence (isn't that kind of a contradiction in terms) teaching adults valuable life lessons.

"For you see Mother, when we divest ourselves of our needless Earthly worries we can ascend and achieve Zen"

The author Paulo Coelho (who I actually really like and own most of his books) said "A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires.”

And while he's not wrong, and kids are totally awesome, they are the same tiny critters we always seem to be telling 'no' to...(and mostly with just cause)

No Isabella, drawing on Sissy is not Zen. It is not Zen at all.

So after reading the story of the child who asked his dad for $100 to buy an hour of his time being posted for maybe the zillionth time on Facebook this afternoon (not hating on you for posting it by the by, it's a cute story) I decided to compile my own list of lessons learned from observing the fabulous Lulu.

1. More is More...and Even More is Even Better

Whoever said "less is more" was smoking something. Whether its glitter or Hershey's kisses or mud on your shoes or ammo in your nerf gun, more is better. An art project is not complete while there are still supplies available for gluing and the piece has not exceeded its tensile strength. You cannot wear too many necklaces or too much lipstick. There is no such thing as 'too much fun' and the Berenstain Bears "Too Much Birthday" is a complete fabrication.

See this? This here is not even nearly enough eye shadow. You can clearly still see my cheeks.

2. The Best Way to Make Sure You Match is to Wear Only One Print

Remember how I said more is more? This totally applies to outfits. In the morning your mom might tell you your clothes don't match - get around this by say, wearing all yellow. It matches if it's all the same color or print. Stands to reason.

Why oh why didn't I put on my cheetah shoes?

3. The Best Way to Get Treats is to Make Sure You Handle or Lick Everything on the Tray

This trick is amazing. If you touch all the food the parents suddenly don't want it. Sneeze on it if you can. Better yet let them see you pick out a super deep wedgie and then reach in the bag of chips. I promise you - they're all yours after that.

And when he's done licking you - go grab a handful of nuts from that bowl over there...

4. Germs were a Lie Made up by Bath and Body Works to Sell Handsoap

Back in 1993 when they first introduced their Sun Ripened Raspberry line, the old B&BW knew they'd never sell soap without some serious fear factor. Wash your hands? With soap as well? Life is too short.

Germs? I don't think they exist...

5. Nothing is Sacred

True Lulu story: Last Christmas I took Lulu to Hobby Lobby and she wanted to go check out the ornaments. She saw something akin to this:

And the following conversation ensued:

Lulu: Look Mama! Its God, Mary, and Jesus!
Me: No baby that's Joseph, Mary, and Jesus...
Lulu: But isn't God Jesus's dad?
Me: Yes, but Joseph was Mary's husband - he was kind of like Jesus's bonus dad.
(Lulu is quiet for a moment and glares at the ornament)
Lulu: (in that really loud shocked outrage) So wait - you're telling me that God had a baby with some other guy's wife?!!!

No sweetheart, the Holy Trinity is not like an episode of Maury... (faceslap)

6. Your Parents Get Really Lonely if You're Not There...Like RightThere...All the Time

Parents get lonely easily. If you're not around them, they might cry (only you wouldn't see it because grown ups don't get sad). So be with them. If they go to the bathroom - follow them. Open the door. If they tell you they need privacy - don't buy it. They are just playing hard to get. Night time? Crawl in bed with them. Mom's eating? Its the BEST time to plop down next to her on the couch.

If you love something, smother it.

7. Cock-blocking is a Finely Honed Skill - Practice It

Sometimes parents will manage to find some quiet time alone. You should interrupt this whenever you can. No one is really sure why they tell you you can watch whatever you want on TV and they lock the door but since it doesn't involve you - you should be very suspicious. If you have siblings, this is the right time to look for allies. Nothing gets your parents out like babies crying...

There can only be one...er two

8. The Four Food Groups are: Candy, Candy Corn, Candy Canes, and Syrup

Long story short - Buddy the Elf had it right. You should especially wary of any foods that are naturally green. Now if they're artificially green on the other hand...

9. Sharing is Fine - Just Give Away Those Toys You Hate

At some point, they're going to try to tell you share. Don't panic. There's a good work around for this. Smile (try to look very genuine) and go quickly find a toy you hate. Make sure its not a class D absolute crap toy because they're bound to see through that. Best to look for a nice old Barbie you really don't want. You should probably keep some old toys you don't like at all and pretend you care a little so you get share credit...

Why would this even be in a toy room? Did only half blind 90 year old nuns quality check this?

10. Sour Grapes is an Excellent and Cathartic Way to Handle Disappointment

Did you just lose a game of Hi Ho Cheerio? Who cares? IT'S A STUPID GAME ANYWAY.

Lulu: Mom, I think this barbie is broken. Whatever. I hate it anyway...

11. No Question is Too Personal...No Observation too Offensive

The world is an interesting place. You should talk about it. Often and in a very loud voice. Go ahead, ask your Great Grandmother what she thinks about death. You should definitely comment in a loud voice about the bad parenting skills of the guy with the kid who is having a tantrum in the ice cream aisle. Ask the cashier if she gets to keep any of the money from the store. Do it - you're just curious. And curiosity is a good thing.

"Mommy, your tummy is really fat. Just to let you know."

12. Life is a Negotiation

Never take no for an answer. Parents aren't really sure what they want. Sure they just asked you to simply walk only 3 cans and not 6 to the recycle bin...but why? They told you you could only have one cookie after dinner but is this the right thing to do? Haggle. Make a deal. Try this:

Mom: Lulu, eat your dinner.
Lulu: No - give me bites. How many bites?
Mom: 10 bites.
Lulu: No that is way too many! 4 bites!
Mom: 7 bites, big dinosaur bites, or no dessert
Lulu: 8 bites! And then dessert...
Mom: Deal.

See? That was easy.

Admittedly, Lulu needs to work on her negotiating skills

13. Do the Thing You Hate the Most Last

If there is broccoli on your plate - eat it last. Toy with it. Because there is a good chance your dad might get irritated and just eat it for you. You don't want to clean up your room? Don't. Its a good time to really need to go to the bathroom...or organize your Legos...or pull out all the stuff in the top drawer of your dresser. If you delay long enough all the bad things will go away.

Remember what I said about foods that are naturally green?

14. There is Time Enough for Sleeping in the Grave

Never go to bed. Never. Not only is your closet filled with wolves, there are zombies under your bed. And Plankton from Sponge Bob might come steal your money if you fall asleep. Plus sleeping is boring. You could be doing fun stuff like trying on Mom's shoes or strategically placing toys at the top of the stairs. You don't even need sleep because you know that you are never actually tired...

This was photo shopped, obviously.

15. When All Else Fails - Go Hug Yours Parents and Tell Them How Much You Love Them

They really are suckers for that one.

Parents, they're so predictable...but you gotta love em

Semi From Scratch Chicken Teriyaki

2013-07-09T13:11:00.002-07:00

We eat this dish a lot around here

I love LOVE LOVE takeout. Only its kind of bad for you. And it gets very expensive. So I'd been trying to learn to make homemade Asian take out for quite awhile now. I still have loads to learn but I have managed to make some delicious Teriyaki.

Its semi from scratch because I do use pre-made Teriyaki sauce as my base - eventually I'm going to upgrade to totally from scratch, but this will do for now.

However, even more than the sauce, the technique is important. Its all about cooking the chicken fast and getting that perfect serving of fluffy white rice. I've made this recipe about a dozen times and it has yet to fail me.

Make sure you read through the instructions carefully BEFORE you cook though - it's all about how you cook your meat!

Special Equipment

1. A wok (a big saute pan will work but a wok is better)
2. A medium pot with a close fitting lid (that is not negotiable - I burned rice with a loose lid once)

Loose lids burn rice.

Ingredients

For the Rice

1. 1 cup jasmine rice
2. 1/4 tbsp of butter
3. 1/4 tsp of salt
4. 1 3/4 cups of water

For the Teriyaki

Love this sauce

1. 1 1/2 lbs of chicken tenderloins
2. 1 small white onion (you can add whatever other vegetables you like here - mushrooms, broccoli, etc)
3. 1/2 cup of 'Veri Veri Teriyaki Sauce' (it is the brand I always use)
4. 1/2 tsp seasame oil
5. 2 tsp. honey
6. 2 shake of ginger (like from the spice jar)
7. 1 tbsp of olive oil

Directions

For the Rice

1. Put your rice in a sieve and rice with water until the water runs clear. This will remove the excess starch from the rice. Don't skimp this step or cut it short. It will take a couple minutes. Also be sure you use a sieve with a fine enough mesh that the rice won't drop through.
2. Combine the rice, water, butter, and salt in your pot (do not stir) and bring to a boil uncovered
3. Watch it carefully! When it starts to boil immediately pull it off the heat and lower the temperature to 'low' (for me, btwn a 2 and 3). Put the lid on tight and put the pot back on burner to simmer.
4. Simmer on low for about 12 minutes. Check to see if all the water has been absorbed into the rice but put the lid back on quickly (if its still watery give it an extra minute but don't overcook!).
5. Let the rice sit for at least 5 minutes, but preferably about 30.
6. Fluff with fork and serve!

(Rice recipe adapted from Fine Cooking)

For the Chicken Teriyaki

1. Trim your tenderloins. Its gross, but all that gunky fat is worse. I'm really fussy about my chicken so I trim it very carefully. To trim you take a very sharp small knife and carefully cut away the thick white parts (the fat) and any other questionable bits of the chicken


The small piece above to the right is trimmed, the big piece below is not

2. Cut your tenderloins into bite sized parts and put them in a bowl. You can use kitchen scissors or your small knife.

All cut up. Chicken looks gross

3. Pour in the rest of your ingredients (sauce, seasame oil, honey, and ginger) in the bowl with the chicken and stir. Cover with saran wrap and put in the fridge (this can be as short as the time it takes to preheat the wok and cook the onions or as long as overnight)

4. Chop your onion. If you have a chopper - use it - because choppers are my best friend with onions.

5. Get your wok and heat it to medium. Toss a 1/2 tbsp of the olive oil in and add the onions. Cook for about 5 minutes until the onions are tender and transparent. (If you are adding other veggies, now is the time to add them)

Chopped onions at the start

Nice tender and transparent onions

6. Now amp the heat up on your wok to high. (For me - 8). It needs to get really hot. Keep moving you onions so they don't burn. Once your wok is hot go get your chicken

*TRICK* for a LONG time I couldn't quite get that take out quality in my stir fry. I kept underestimating how hot the wok needed to be. It wasn't that my chicken would be undercooked, it just would be tough and not juicy and amazing. In order to get excellent chicken you have to get your wok wicked hot and keep your chicken moving. Hence - stir and fry. Don't be afraid to crank that heat.

Me moving the chicken around as its just starting to cook

Ok...pep talk is over. You have your chicken, the wok is hot - toss the chicken in and use your spatula to scrape and stir. Keep your chicken moving. I read somewhere that it should take 6 minutes - it usually takes me between 8 - 10 to get the chicken golden with a little bit of burny bits (the best part) and the sauce to thicken. To test, pick one of the larger pieces of chicken at random - split it open - if the inside is pure white and not pink at all it is done.


The chicken is cooked here but not golden enough for my taste and the sauce isn't quite thick enough

ALL DONE!

7. Serve atop your white rice, grab some chopstick and dig in. Its a tasty and delicious weekday dinner!

I'd be sad we weren't having this for dinner tonight, but it's lasagna night so I'll live

July Challenge: Week 1, The Sleep Rebellions, and Lord Byron Goes to Die

2013-07-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

First off, apologies for the delay in posting - Hubstar settled one of his cases and didn't have to prep for trial (yay!) and so we went out of town to visit the in-laws last minute. Only it was fun because I don't have evil in-laws (actually they are really awesome - go ahead, be jealous)

Am I the only on who ever wondered if Focker ever took a moment to ask himself if Pam was really worth it?

And on to the first order of business which is to report that Week 1 has been a success, though admittedly I haven't made it to the gym yet. We pulled through. We did not cave.

Thursday: Easy. I wasn't cooking, I just had to show up and eat awesome food. My mom, who doesn't/ shouldn't cook (sorry Mama), recently married a guy who is an excellent cook. And much rejoicing was done by all who remembered the egregious food wrongs perpetrated upon us as innocent children...

Breaded coagulated peas, mushy carrots, and 'corn'? Yep - she tried to make us eat these. NEVER FORGET.

Friday: Normally in our house the Hubs and I celebrate Friday Night Thai. We feed Lulu early and order up a heaping helping of Phad Thai and Chicken Satay and I get a Thai Iced Tea. Then we feast and rent a movie from Amazon Prime. It may not have been wild nights out in Rio, but I sure as hell wasn't complaining. We're so regular that once when we ordered on a Wednesday once the lady looked at my husband funny and said "But its not Friday!"

Chicken Satay? Smoked Rat on a Stick? Whatever Thai Chili is still the bomb.

So I was definitely prepared for the hurdle of not getting Thai, but it was actually easier than expected but that may have been because of The Sleep Rebellions (but I'll get to that later)

Saturday: Again, easy since we were visiting in the in-laws. Dad-In-Law made delicious fajitas on the grill.

Sunday: We stuck to the plan and made our roast, baked potatoes, and salad. It was delish. (It's also not expensive and easy to make, I'll post recipe soon)

Delicious Sunday Dinner for Two - only about $9.75 total. It would have been 3 but LuLu was at my Moms'

So - go us. Our grocery bill is about $240 but that includes everything for this week, cleaning supplies, and some of that food will go towards next week. All in all, not bad.

And now onto The Sleep Rebellions...

In previous posts I think I mentioned that Baby J, while adorable, is a cuddle monger.

He's like the Robber Baron of my heart...

Seriously though the kid is a legit Klingon. I think it started because he came 3 weeks early maybe. We should have known we were in trouble when we tried to put him in his co-sleeper basket at 3 days old and he started wigging out. I cuddled him, nursed him to sleep, put him back - and the wigging out began again. I tried one more time and fail. Because you really can't sit there and let a wee little nibbler have a panic attack because he feels alone. So he wound up sleeping on my chest...

Yep, that about sums it up.

Now, I know I am about to tread deep into the waters of the so-called "Mommy Wars" here but let me preface it with this.

So long as you aren't abusing/neglecting your kid (and we know what that means here folks, putting your baby in something other than organic cloth diaper does not constitute abuse...sorry), putting its health at risk (again, we're talking childhood obesity here and not feeding them frozen food...although those Veggie Sticks were definitely toeing the line), or raising your kid to be a complete asshole, I think whatever you want to do with your own child is fine by me.

Pro tip: If you watch Toddlers and Tiaras and the tantrums remind you of your own kid...you're doing it wrong.

And thus Baby J would sleep with me a lot. (Before you jump down my throat about it - go read the studies, and I don't smoke, drink, use a blanket or otherwise endanger my lovely little boy thank you). We'd keep trying and he'd keep squalling. Swaddling? He'd have none of that. Lullabies? Fine so long as you were still holding him. The expensive and awesome swing we got him? F* that noise Ma!

I would pay good money to have this in an adult size. True Story.

Finally, finally, finally I got him to start spending part of his sleeping time in this cradle rocker thing. It kept him upright and cozy and it was amazing. But still, invariably, he'd want to nurse and wake up and refuse to sleep unless I held him. And again - at only about 6 weeks old I just wasn't willing to let him howl and flip the deuce out.

So I told myself, at 3 months, his happy butt is going to start sleeping in his crib, because as you may have guessed at some point Mama's got to sleep. Like actual sleep.

Here's the thing about sleep... you really need it. To be fair I can actually do fairly well without much sleep. I typically don't go to bed until 2 am generally and if left wholly to my own devices I'll be up till 5 am and then sleep till about 10 or 11. I might be secretly be a vampire...

Of the Lestat variety and less of the shiny vegan variety...

But after awhile it can get to you. The Justice Campaign has this to say about sleep deprivation: "Sleep deprivation is used by torturers because it makes a person more suggestible, reduces psychological resistance and it reduces the body’s capacity to resist pain. Sleep deprivation is a very effective torture technique"

Ouch.

And while I am definitely not comparing myself to a P.O.W. its worth noting that not sleeping can make you a pretty woggity (technical term) human being, which, in a way, makes babies the cutest inflictors of torment ever.

The Council of Babies has thus far refused to subscribe to the Geneva Convention and is determined to carry on with their plans to break down the wills of parents everywhere.

3 months came and went and he was sort of sleeping in his crib. It was awesome. But then...the cold. The cold that wouldn't go away and meant that the little Bee Boo had to sleep at an incline, so we were back to the rocker and he was back sleeping in our room and he was really REALLY crabby... (please refer to the chart on July Challenge Day 1). Oy.

But things reached a terrifying crescendo last Wednesday with what shall now be called The Sleep Rebellions... Baby J just stopped sleeping.

I am almost not exaggerating here.

He woke up, ate, played and then napped for about 20 minutes. And then was up. Ate, played, napped for maybe 15 minutes and then awoke. Only he was pretty crabby now. We tried to get him to nap, we really did - but NADA. Not even boobs and cuddling. That kid did not sleep until 12:45 am. And it should be noted that he did not spend those hours of being awake in a content meditative
state.

Yeah, all we got was squalling.

This went on the next 3 nights. But that wasn't all, because suddenly Lulu decided she wanted in on the action and also refused to sleep. Apparently it 'wasn't fair' that Baby J could sleep with us but she had to sleep 'all alone' and also there are wolves in her closet.

Apparently this particular horror was born from watching the above Volvo commercial and listening to Sam the Sham's "Little Red Riding Hood"

It was a coalition of the willing. For 3 days and nights the both of them decided to just be as grumpy and fussy and AWAKE as possible.

And it got to the point where even coffee wasn't enough...

That's right ... I had gone from vampire to zombie

So last night I brought down the Hammer of Thor. Dad and I de-wolved Lulu's bedroom and said when she got back from her Mimi's there would be no more getting out of bed upon pain of not being able to do big girl things (like sleepovers at Mimi's) and decided that Baby J would sleep in his crib by hook or by crook.

Now this was not my first time at the Stubborn Kid Rodeo. See, for as much as Baby J refuses to sleep, Lulu refused to eat. She was SO fussy that I talked with about 3 pediatricians who all advised me just to offer only the meal that was being served and she'd get hungry enough and eat.

Wrong. Dead wrong.

She was 4 1/2 and I decided to put an end to meal shenanigans and served her a breakfast of oatmeal and brown sugar (no dice), a lunch of grilled cheese and apple slices (again, nada), and a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs (still wouldn't eat a bit). She had gone the WHOLE day without eating. I offered it over and over again - she said she would only eat chicken nuggets. I figured three pediatricians couldn't be wrong and kept expecting her to cave...

Except instead of a Hunger Strike against inequality it was to protest the abhorrent practice of feeding oatmeal to little girls...

In the end I gave her some toast (which she ate) and the next day she was told if she kept making a fuss over dinner we were going to get rid of all the princess dresses. That did the trick.

Anyhow, put Baby J in his crib and he fussed. We cuddled him, put him back, he fussed. And on the third try he went to bed and slept 6 hours all by himself like it was no big deal.

Like you do...

Meanwhile in addition to going out the in-laws this weekend we bought some fish. After the heartbreak of denying Lulu the unnamed yet amazing puppy we were excited to finally pick up the fish for the fish tank we bought last week.

We bought four fish...and Lulu named them. She named them "Pretty", "Sparkle", "Diamond Shine", and "Sparkle Diamond Rainbow".

What can I say, even when she's playing Ninja she still has to have some bling

And yes, that's a ninja and not Michael Jackson. It's OK, I was confused too..

The fish all immediately took the tank. Except 'Pretty' the Angelfish. He just sort of sunk to the bottom and bobbed. Hubs and I were pretty sure he was going to die - only he didn't. We were surprised.

Next morning Hubs told me Pretty had died but when I went to look it was just sort of hanging out behind the filter and was still alive. Hubstar nudged it with the fish net and it swam into the pirate ship. We fed the fish...it lounged and ate lazily and returned to the ship. So I decided to name it Lord Byron.

Lord Byron is too angsty for picture taking

I keep checking it but he's still alive. And he's alive in this way that just seems super dramatic. Like "I'm alive now, and I am probably dying of consumption, but I suffer to myself in a pit of my own black despair." The other fish aren't nearly as interesting.

Well, one last thought before I post and move on to week 2 of the July Challenge which will hopefully involve some gym going - bet you didn't know Lord Byron reported slept with his half sister and collected bits of all his lover's hair...

Or maybe you did if your Romantic British Lit professor subjected you to the same Byron documentary which was so horrible and obscure I can't even find it on the internet...

Red White and Blue Strawberries - Super Easy

2013-07-04T15:04:00.001-07:00

Whipped these up real fast when I realized I didn't have time to make Fourth of July Cookies

Special equipment:

1. Pastry bag with a coupler and Wilton Tip # 2 OR a Gallon Ziplock Bag

Ingredients:

1. Strawberries
2. White chocolate, white candy melts, or white candy coating
3. Blue candy melts
4. Sanding sugar (optional)
5. Shortening

Directions:

1. Wash strawberries and set them on wax paper on a cookie sheet

2. Melt your white chocolate. Use the microwave or a double boiler

3. Dip the strawberries in and swirl them to coat in chocolate

4. Place them on the wax paper and sprinkle with sanding sugar if you're using it

5. Put your blue candy melt in your pastry bag with coupler but DON'T cut the tip yet. Or put it in your ziplock bag. Again - don't cut the tip. Add about 1 1/2 tsp of shortening to help it glide and melt in microwave

You don't need a lot of candy melts for this - I used what was around my house

6. Squirt out a little to make sure the bag is flowing. Then zig-zag over your strawberries

See my little pile of squiggle in the corner?

7. Repeat with the other blue if you want

DONEZO

And here is my Quickshot I did for Pinterest

Raspberry Cheesecake Brownies

2013-07-04T12:50:00.002-07:00

Loved them with my coffee this morning

These use the same base as my Cappuccino Brownies but rather than have a coffee flavor they have raspberry! (Duh.) I was trying to come up with something sweet and fun to make for the Fourth and when I saw raspberries on sale I thought I'd test out this idea I'd been kicking around.

Before I come up with a recipe, I always poke around the internet for other ones to get ideas. I saw lots where people put the whole raspberry in the batter and lots where people used jam, but I really wanted to try it out with raspberry sauce. I was a little worried it might not set up - but it did and I love these! They are ooey and gooey and fudgy.

Note: If you don't want to make a raspberry sauce from fresh fruit, you could sub out Raspberry preserves. It won't have the same fresh flavor but I am 98.2% sure it would still be very delicious.

Ingredients:

For the Raspberry Sauce

1. 1 cup of raspberries (fresh is better, but frozen would work. If frozen though, you'll want unsweetened or you'll have to adjust the sugar)
2. 1/4 cup plus 1 tbsp white sugar
3. 2 tbsp water
4. 1 1/2 tsp lemon juice (fresh or bottled - doesn't matter)

For the Cream Cheese Layer

1. 1 package cream cheese
2. 2 tbsp butter (as always I use HEB's salted butter)
3. 1/2 c. white sugar
4. 1 egg
5. 1 1/2 tbsp flour
6. 1 1/2 tsp. vanilla

For the Brownie Batter

This is the type of chocolate I use

1. 4 oz. German Chocolate Bakers squares
2. 3 tbsp butter
3. 2 eggs
4. 3/4 cup white sugar
5. 1/2 tsp baking powder
6. 1/2 cup plus 1 tbsp flour
7. 1 1/2 tsp. vanilla

Directions

1. Preheat your oven to 350F and grease your pan
2. Make your Raspberry Sauce: place all the ingredients in a small pan and over med-low heat (about a 3).

Mash the mixture up with a spoon or spatula

All smooshed up

Simmer, stirring occasionally, for about 15 minutes until its thickened. While its cooking be sure to help break up the raspberries with your spoon.

See how it has an almost gelled appearance?

Set it aside in a bowl to cool

Raspberry sauce is delicious over ice cream or cake too!

3. While the raspberry sauce is simmering melt the chocolate bars and 3 tbsp of butter together over a double boiler. Do it low and slow (i.e. over low heat) and stir often. TIP: If you don’t have a double boiler try putting a metal bowl over a pot of simmering water – but use a potholder!

4. Set melted chocolate aside to cool.

5. Check on your raspberries then begin making the cream cheese mixture. Blend 2 tbsp of butter and the package of cream cheese together until thoroughly combined. I use the paddle attachment on my kitchen aid mixer.

6. Slowly add the ¼ cup of white sugar to the cream cheese mixture until it is completely mixed and fluffy.

7. Add the egg, flour, and vanilla to the cream cheese mixture and beat until smooth and fluffy. Scrape your bowl often so there aren’t chunks of cream cheese. Once its smooth and pretty set aside and clean your bowl so you can make your brownie batter.

8. Your raspberry sauce is probably done around now.

9. Begin the brownie batter! Bust out your whisk attachment on your Kitchen aid – or get your arms ready with your hand mixture (sorry kid – this is going to suck). Whip your two eggs until light, airy, and fluffy. They should change color to light yellow and you should see little bubbles in them.

10. Add your sugar and whip it. Whip it good. No seriously – it’s almost like you’re making a meringue. It needs to really thicken and keep its shape a bit while you beat it. If you do skip this and beat it too little your batter will be really runny. Its going to take you a good 5 minutes.

Are you singing Devo in your head right now? I am...

11. Did you really beat your eggs? If yes go to 12, if no DO IT SOME MORE!

12. Now add the vanilla, flour, and baking powder. Stir till combined.

13. Go grab your cooled chocolate and stir it in. Your batter should be thick and chocolatey.

14. Assemble the brownies! First pour in your brownie batter. Then top it with the cream cheese mixture and spread until smooth. Finally spoon spoonfuls of raspberry sauce on top of the cream cheese mixture.

I guess you could just leave it like that...blob brownies

Then drag a toothpick or chopstick or whatever (so long as its clean and food safe!) through the blobs to marble it.

I remembered to marble it this time

15. Bake for 40-45 minutes until set. Make sure you do the toothpick test.

Enjoy!!

Brownies: Breakfast of Champions

July Challenge Day Three: Teriyaki and the Awkward Condom Commerial

2013-07-03T23:03:00.002-07:00

Holy crap it is quiet in my house. And legit nice quiet, not suspicious quiet.

This is an old pic of LuLu who tried to use the bathroom by herself and came back like this. That is the wrong kind of quiet. Please note the toy bomb in the background.

LuLu is spending the night at a friend's house. Baby J is asleep in his swing. Hubs is at work. I have a nice huge iced latte (remember that didn't count!). I'm not even sure what to do right now. Like I kind of want to take a long quiet bath, or maybe finish cleaning out our room, or read Night Watch, or finish painting the shelf I'm making for the bathroom, or I don't know there are just so many options...

Probably vacuuming is the sucker's choice...

In truth I think I'm going to get a head start on tonight's post because

(7 hours later)

Ya, the next words were going to be "because the moment I start doing something he's going to wake up" Its like I'm a prophetess...

Just don't ask me whats going to be on the Bar Exam...

Let me begin with thought train #1: The Day 3 challenge. Still winning. Still eating in. Made chicken teriyaki. But I did not expect to be so tempted not to cook so early in the game!

I finally posted the recipe :)

Here's the thing - I love cooking. I really do. But with kids and house and Hubstar, sometimes it seems like more of a chore than a hobby. I'm sure I am the only person who feels this way.

And it was so gorgeous and peaceful in my house today. Hubs got home about 6:30, Baby J was a happy little monkey. The sky was beautiful outside and the couch in corner of our room called to me...

Come, sit upon me. Be still and read Martha Stewart Living and only pretend to cook...

And it was fun just getting to talk to the man and play with the bebe and chopping up chicken for dinner is gross anyhow and it seemed really unappealing.

I was going to post the picture of the chicken trimmings just to juxtapose how awful they are compared to my Couch O Awesomeness, but I wouldn't do that you...it'd be cruel

And in that moment, temptation beckoned...

Only for me she's holding the takeout menu from Thai Chili. Also: why did I think a Google image search for 'temptation goddess' would NOT yield porn?

But I gave her the bird and went down and made dinner anyhow.

I swear, there is a reason to use this picture in almost every post.

3 down, 28 to go, but tomorrow's an easy win b/c its BBQ @ the rents.

Now to shift gears...

Is there a better transitional photo? I think not.

Train of thought #2:

I am going to admit to something here that I would rather not because I've sort of been a bit outspoken about my views on this and its kind of making me a hypocrite right now: I've been letting Cali watch TV in the mornings while I've caught a few Z's. It's not the nap taking that is a problem, I can hear her and she's responsible enough to not actively burn the house down when not directly supervised - its the TV.

I don't really like cable. I like a lot of the shows on cable - but I think having constant access to TV makes you really brain-numb (for me it does). I'd rather rely on Netflix and movies but Hubs like cable and honestly there are much bigger things to fight about. But its kind of like when he buys me donuts in the morning as a treat - I really don't want them but once they're there I can't say no.

By the way, I'm calling shenanigans: a Google search for 'say no to donuts' yielded one anti-donut sign and about, I dunno, FIVE HUNDRED pictures of delicious looking donuts. WTF?

Same with TV. Only I'm going to have to resolve to do better because the damn mind programming commercials are driving me out of my mind.

It started with catching Lulu humming "Nationwide is on your side" to herself around the house sometimes. And then 'Price-Line Nego-ti-ator" was added to the repertoire.

That was tolerable.

But then suddenly it was 'Mom, I need ABC Mouse' and 'Mom, why don't you buy Pampers for James?" and in the grocery store "We should buy Gerber Formula" and I'll be honest - I was kind of horrified and hoping she'd take a page out of Shawn's book from Pysch

Henry: Now, I know he stopped wearing shirts with brand names on them right after his ninth birthday.
Maddy: Why do you know that?
Henry: Because we had an argument about it. He didn’t want to promote products without being paid for it.

So we had a long talk about commercials and why they exist. I told her they try to convince people, adults and kids, that they need new things. What she got from this is that the people who create ads are evil conspirators who are trying to trick people into spending their money...

Is she wrong?

Which led to an amped up interest in commercials...and analyzing them.

Toyota commercial?
"Ha ha Mom! We got them! We already have a car!"

Pizza Hutt commercial?
"Oh my gosh, that is just ridiculous. Who needs pizza?! We can make pizza right here."

Progressive commercial?
Lulu: "We have insurance right Mom?"
Me: "Yep."
Lulu: "Is it Progressive?"
Me: "No, USAA"
Lulu: "Ha! It won't work then! And you don't even drive a motorcycle - boo yeah!"

I wish I was kidding, or exaggerating, but I could type up quotes all night. She is sort of the manic anti-commercial girl, but I'm not sure it's a good thing because she pays even more attention to them now and occasionally tells me one (for toys or something) "is doing a pretty good job at convincing me Mom."

I think a flamethrower a good choice for me. You know the old saying Mom "Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."

So it really came as no surprise when, while listening to Pandora, Lulu was paying close attention to the most awkwardly long Trojan condom commercial EVER.

Let me say this: I'm not a prude. I don't even hate advertising. I get why it exists. I don't think condom companies should be banned from advertising. Truth is, I don't even have an answer for what it is I do want but I think it might be something along the lines of that commercial never coming on while my overly inquisitive 6 year old is there listening.

I mean this thing went on and on and ooooooonnnnnn.

Announcer: "And now in 4 different types"
Woman: (sexy voice) "Oh, we can try them ALL out"
Announcer: (Trojan Man style) "ALL NIGHT LONG"

I wanted to cry. I waited for it. And it came...

"Whats a condom Mom? Do we have any already?"

Ok kid, here's all you need to know about condoms. Baby J - listen up. I don't care what they say, its still going to feel like a condom - but you better wear one because you don't want to get some dirty VD or get knocked up. Of course it won't matter because you are joining the nunnery/priesthood.

And I bunted... I bunted with no shame. My answer was 'Hey Lulu, there are some left over Nerds right next to the candy bucket - you still want them?"

But I am pretty sure it is just a matter of time...

before we're singing "Trojan Man!" *faceslap*

P.S. Claim your Country or State I'm curious to know where people are from <3

July Challenge Day Two: A Quick Check In

2013-07-03T11:54:00.001-07:00

Ok - so I was going to write about commercials and kids but that's going to have to wait for tonight. I'm not posting this one on facebook or anything because it won't be awesome.

I just want to say - Day 2, still going. No cheating. I did have to switch to the 'easy dinner' of pesto tortellini because hubs got stuck going to an event last night and at 6:00 pm I spent 25 minutes waiting outside Starbucks with both kids for someone who never showed up (you know that was fun).
Worst part: I couldn't actually go inside because I was just picking up papers and it was supposed to be super fast. It was like torture.

Whatever dude, last week I would have cheated and had Hubstar pick up something or I would have gotten Thai but I was good. I did not cheat. Yay me.

One last thing: today was supposed to be gym day but LuLu's friend invited her over to go swimming and I can't tell her no. And no, I won't even pretend lounging in the pool is tantamount to gym. I have not yet stooped so low.

Annnd...release

Making a Homemade Pizza - Dough Recipe Included

2013-07-02T21:23:00.001-07:00

Its making me sad that there isn't any left in my fridge :(

So I found out something new today: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is back. Not the movie with Megan Fox, I knew about that one...

I think it's safe to say they're heading in a different direction...

This one's on Nick Jr or something and LuLu told me all about it. She was so excited I didn't quite have the heart to be like, ya girl I know all about TMNT. Anyhow - obviously Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made me think of pizza so I figured it was a good a time as any to get a post on making pizza together.


You can't argue with that kind of logic

Hubs and I made our weekly trip to Half Price Books and I found this gem for about $7.00: Pizza by Pete Evans and it is from his recipe I adapted my own.

Notes

1. I went all out. Because I have a love for all things kitchen-y I bought a pizza stone and a pizza peel. I think you could manage it without the peel but it really did help. I really recommend the stone

though. This wasn't my first time making pizza and before I've used a cookie sheet but I really felt like this came out SO SO much better. But it's not like the cookie sheet was bad.

2. The book says I can make and freeze the dough, I haven't tried it yet but I think I'm going to freeze some tomorrow for Saturday's pizza party.

So go forth and make pizza with what you have and remember:

Truer words...

Special Equipment

1. Pizza Peel (this is what I bought)

2. Pizza Stone (the stone I used)

3. Parchment Paper (NOT wax paper - it is not the same and it will burn. Also if you are using a cookie sheet you don't need parchment paper)

Ingredients

For the Dough

1. 1 cup warm water (between 100 - 115F, use a thermometer if you have one)

2. 1 packet dry yeast

3. 1 1/2 tsp. sugar

4. 1 1/2 tbsp olive oil

5. 3 cups of bread flour (you could use regular flour, but bread flour yields better results)

6. 1 1/4 tsp salt

7. Extra flour for dusting

Toppings (obviously sub out your own here if you want)

1. Mozzarella cheese (the shredded Kraft variety)

2. Pepperonis

3. Marinara Sauce

Directions

Make the Dough

1. Sift flour and salt into a large bowl

2. In a small bowl mix warm water, yeast, and sugar until combined. Let sit for 5 minutes until frothy and foamy. Then stir in the olive oil

This is what foamy yeast looks like after I added the oil

3. Make a well in your flour mixture. This means use your hand to scoop out a little hollow of flour in your bowl.

Confession: I forgot to take a pic of this part - so I found this online. But your well should be in your bowl.

4. Pour your yeast mixture into the flour and begin to work the ingredients until you get a dough. It should be damp and a little sticky - don't worry if you don't incorporate all the flour.

5. Take your dough out and start to knead it on a lightly floured surface. Kneading means to kind of stretch and hit and generally abuse the dough. You'll take it and fold it over and smoosh it with the heels of your hands. Do this for about 5 minutes (I'd set a timer so you don't cheat when your arms start to burn) until the dough is smooth and elastic.

All ready to rise!

6. Lightly rub the inside of a clean large bowl with olive oil and place the dough inside. Roll the dough around so its all lightly oiled. Cover it with a dish towel or Saran Wrap and leave in a warm place for 50 minutes until the dough has doubled in size.

7. Punch the extra air out of the dough and roll it into a ball. (The says to divide up the dough, but the guy likes super thin crust, I used the whole dough for our pizza and I thought it was perfect)

8. Place dough ball on an oiled surface to proof for 15 minutes (make sure its covered)

Make the Pizza

1. If you're using the pizza stone: Rub your stone LIGHTLY with olive oil, the surface shouldn't be greasy. Preheat your oven to 500F with the stone inside. Once it hits 500F it will take another 15 minutes for your stone to heat all the way up. *when I used our stone for the first time our oven smoked just a little, I watched like a hawk and it never looked like it was going to catch fire, but be forewarned

If you are using a cookie sheet: Preheat oven to 425F with the sheet outside

2. If you are using the stone: roll your dough out on parchment paper that is on the peel (or on the counter if you're going sans peel) into a circle. If you're cool do it like a pro and spin it in the air...if you're me, bust out your rolling pin so the dough doesn't crash on the floor becoming immediately gross and inedible...

Juggling? Seriously? You are trying to make me look bad

If you are using the sheet - make your pizza directly on the sheet.

3. Stab your dough with a fork to avoid air bubbles.

4. Spread your sauce.


I use the back of a big spoon

5. Add your toppings

One day I'll get them to let me have mushrooms

6. Bake!

If you're using the stone: lower the temperature to 425F (you could keep it at 500F like the book recommends but parchment paper says its only good up to 420F so I didn't want to push it. I don't like fires. Use your peel to put your pizza WITH the parchment paper onto the stone. Or with no peel, I'd suggest using the handle on the stone, pulling it out of the oven, and using the corners of the parchment paper to get your pizza on it. Bake for about 10-15 minutes until bubbly and golden.

Please notice the chef to peel size ratio...

If you're using the sheet: Throw your pizza in the oven for 10-15 minutes until bubbly and golden.

We had some pepperoni slippage but it was still delicious

Who needs take out?

July Challenge Day One: Weekly Menu and a Fresh Start

2013-07-01T23:46:00.001-07:00

So Day 1 of July challenge is over. Let me start with this week's menu:

MENU - July 1-7

Monday July 1 - Breakfast for Dinner! Waffles, Strawberries, and Sausage Links
Tuesday July 2 - Chicken Teriyaki, White Rice, and Green Beans
Wednesday July 3 - Pesto Tortellini and Spinach Salad
Thursday July 4 - BBQ at Mom's - (bringing Key Lime Pie and possibly Raspberry Cheesecake Brownies if I don't make/eat them before then)
Friday July 5 - Lasagna and Spinach Salad
Saturday July 6 - Democratic Pizza Night (where everyone gets their own toppings)
Sunday July 7 - Eye of the Round, Loaded Baked Potatoes, Green Beans

And now onto today.

The auspices did not look promising in the wee smas this morning.

Is it just me or does the dude with the hatchet look like he really likes his job?

Baby J has a cold. Baby J also doesn't like to sleep all night. So when he went down at 10 pm last night I expected my 1 am wake up. So I waited up..and waited..and waited..and the little bugger slept till 3:45 am. But then he was congested so we spent 20 minutes in the homemade steam room (read: hot shower, bathroom door shut) where he was happy as a clam.

But then he tried to eat...and his nose was stuffed up.

It was a vicious cycle.

I think I finally got to bed at 5:45 this morning. Luckily Lu Lu likes to sleep in and didn't wake up until 10:30. She popped in to tell me she was going to make herself breakfast, watch some Nick Jr if that was ok, and that I could keep sleeping. She is pretty much the best kid ever and having an almost seven year old rocks. So I got in an extra hour before Baby J was up for good. Woo hoo.

It's the small things in life

But I rallied. Because after the menu fail of last week I was determined that I wouldn't crap out on the first day of the challenge. I made a plan. Knew the gym was out for today but I drafted the menu, made my grocery list, and had to make a pit stop at the pet shop before heading home and starting dinner. It was only 3 pm. It was looking good.

I am wondering if anyone is seeing the flaw in this plan?

See, pit stop implies a brief in and out affair. You get there, do your thing, and get out. Because that's likely...in a pet shop...with a 6 year girl.

Pretty sure this is part of what Lulu wants to be when she grows up...covered in puppies

Also:

Holy crap that is so ridiculously cute I need to go buy Baby J at least 4 puppies like right now.

Anyhow so we get there and its love at first sight....

He was like Air Bud and Shadow from Homeward Bound wrapped up in what Lulu dubbed 'the most best puppy ev-er'

And I made the mistake of letting her play with him. Oh big mistake. I was supplicated like few people have been supplicated before to bring the puppy home. He was the best puppy ever, he was so smart, Golden Retrievers are the best family pets and they're good with babies (thanks a bunch there for that Petland guy) and we should buy him for the low price of $1500 (or 43 meals out).

I finally convince her to say goodbye to the puppy and promise to let her see the chameleon one more time before we go. She seems good and distracted but then we go to leave. She just has to say goodbye to Captain Wonder Puppy one last time. But lo, he's not in the little kennel thing. She asks the guy where the Golden Retriever puppy is only to be told someone else is playing with him.

And when I'm 18 I'm getting 'unnamed and yet awesome puppy who I loved for 20 minutes' tattooed on my arm Mom!

Long story short we left the pet shop weeping and convinced someone else would buy him. Spent most of the time at the grocery store concerned if someone else would buy him with lots of consoling on my end...and then got home, Dad let her watch King Kong on TBS or whatever and poof! What dog?

Who can blame her really?

And we had waffles. And they were delicious. So - day 1...win.

Simple Savory Roast Potaoes - Always a Crowd Pleaser

2013-07-01T13:34:00.002-07:00

Great for breakfast. Great for dinner. Generally great.

O.M.G. Potatoes. I loves them. I loves them like Gollum loved the ring.

Bet you didn't know there was an alternate ending in which Sam and Smeagal opened a food truck outside Mordor selling fish n chips...

They are fabulous. I mean really. They are cheap, versatile, and delicious. I once saw a cookbook dedicated solely to potatoes that I didn't buy because I was in law school and on a budget. I still regret it.

(really beautiful photography btw)

Cute, but because its not my baby....

Love thee potatoes...

So without actually writing "An Ode to an Irish Potato" let me get to the recipe

Simple Savory Roast Potatoes
Serves 4 in theory, but these get eaten up like no one's business. I made 5 lbs for 8 people once and I ran out. No lie.

Notes

1. These are EXCELLENT for when you have to bring a side to an event. Everyone will love you. And since you don't have to add a lot of fat they aren't too greasy either. However, while they are really easy they do take time. That's the thing about potatoes - they need a long time to cook or they are mushy and not crispy and awesome. Also - despite using nonstick and greasing my pan these always stick to the bottom, but since a simple soak cleans the pan its never stopped me making them. You find a way to get them not to stick PLEASE TELL ME! I'll love you forever (maybe).

2. I'm giving you measurements on the seasoning but the truth it that I mostly eyeball it. When I did the test run here I used the measurements but I suggest seasoning to taste.

3. Lastly, I use Yukon Gold potatoes. At HEB you can buy them in bulk and they don't cost that much more than regular potatoes. However, watch out for buying the bite sized one because they can get extremely expensive fast. Go shopping somewhere that has good produce and try not to buy them pre-packaged.

Special Equipment

1. Ceramic baking dish

Ingredients

These are the spices I use

1. 2 lbs Yukon gold potatoes (you could use regular baking potatoes but I like the creaminess of
Yukon.)
2. 1 tsp salt
3. 1/2 tsp garlic salt
4. 1/2 tsp onion powder
5. Enough "Grill Mates Garlic and Onion Medley" to thoroughly season all the potatoes (see pics)
6. 1 1/2 tbsp olive oil

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400F. Rub a little olive oil on the bottom of your baking dish.
2. Wash your potatoes - you'll be leaving the skin on so get 'em nice and clean.
3. Chop your potatoes into small cubes and scrape into a large mixing bowl

Yukon Gold Potatoes

Chopping them into cubes. I slice the ends of my potatoes to make cutting easier

All chopped up

4. Pour in your olive and toss to coat all the potatoes. Then add all the seasoning and toss to coat thoroughly.

That's what mine look like when I've added a bunch of the seasoning medley mentioned in the ingredients

5. Pour them into your pan and move them into one layer. The thinner your layer, the crispier they'll be. But when you pour them don't scrape all the extra liquid at the bottom of the bowl - it'll make the potatoes soggy.

6. Bake for 45 minutes and turn the potatoes with your spatula. Bake for another 20 minutes and check. They will probably need more time depending on your oven. You want them nice and crispy and golden.

I dip mine in horseradish sauce. SOOO delish.

Weekly Menu Fail and a 31 Day Challenge

2013-07-01T01:47:00.002-07:00

Ok so. Last week I came up with a menu - like a boss. It wasn't the greatest menu of all time, not going to get me any Michelin ratings but heck - it was going to feed my family...in theory.

It was a big fat fail. I won't go into every excuse why it ended up with us eating out nearly every single flipping night this week, but suffice to say there was a dangerous combo of poor planning, a sick baby, and a husband that god love him is erm..cranky.. when not fed.

There were definitely lots of uncomfortable silences in our home when this commercial series launched...it was like they knew him :)

Yeah yeah there was a reason every night but it didn't make any less of a fail. And I was feeling pretty down about it because we've been trying to really cut down on our eating our for both health and fiscal reasons.

Because no way I'm going to lose the pregnancy pounds eating out...also looking for this picture just made me sink into the abyss of This is Why You're Fat its kind of horrifying, but in a cool way

We got this app (which I'm still trying to kind of figure out) which helps you track your spending and its legitimately insane how fast eating out adds up. And even if you can afford it technically, its probably not the best use of funds.

Blerg. So on top of the eating out fail the house is also not so clean. And by that I mean like - really cluttered. Its kind of like this:

There's this show called 'Yardcore' on DIY network.

This is their hook: "What if you gave a couple of landscape professionals 48 hours to completely redo a backyard? No problem, right? But there's a catch. What if they don't even get to see the yard until the day before the job, and were not allowed to meet the homeowner? They will only get a quick tour of the yard and a five-minute tour of the home's interior to get clues, and then make it all happen in 48 hours — without ever meeting the homeowner until the final reveal!"

We were watching it a lot this weekend and there is always a lot of discussion as to whether they ever get it right or if the people hate their yard. Which led to a discussion of what they'd take from our house. We were like - kind of formal, kind of bohemian...just sort of gabbing, but truthfully their evaluation would be like this:

And this would probably be our finished yard:

They are just going to love how the bountiful pink blooms just highlight the collection of 'found' office chair seating!

I keep meaning to finally do the BIG CLEAN UP. The big one that should have happened when we first bought the house. The one where you hang up all the pictures and put everything away in its permanent home. But you know then there was Christmas then the Bar Exam, then wedding, then pregnancy from hell, then baby and busted foot, and then baby. Not that those aren't legitimate reasons but it sure isn't making my house any more organized.

I'm really optimistic. In the morning when I get up I feel like a hero

But you know - as a chick hero, not a dude one...

Because I'm going to clean out the WHOLE HOUSE. I'm going to clean the kitchen, catch up on all the laundry, file all the paperwork, clear up the clutter. Then I'm going to make gourmet delicious dinner AND cookies. And I'll be able to work on all those art projects I want to 'cause the house will be so clean and not distracting. And when hubster gets home he's going to be surprised and awed at my super-human abilities and he'll want to buy me this shirt in a totally not-ironic way...

Only not this shirt exactly because its kind of horribly sexist and completely overlooks my mad Scrabble skillz

But then baby. And then little girl who is getting too big too fast. And they jointly attack me with cuteness and neediness and temptation to not to housework and instead play with them and cuddle. Oh, and that J is an adorable lovely little man but is also the neediest baby in the world sometimes.

You really can't say no to that level of cute

So by mid afternoon the goals shift to: Ok! I can still do this. I can at least get some laundry done and also the kitchen, yes, at least the kitchen. Dinner - still good. Art projects - well I'll work on cleaning out some of the upstairs. And it will still be impressive and fabulous.

Yeah, because its A-ok that you didn't get everything done because you got most errr a good chunk of it done and you're still winning...right?

But then more baby. And more little big girl. And probably some errands I forgot I had to run. And crying (sadly I wasn't kidding about that gorgeous but needy bebe) And now its 5:07 and I look around and I'm like crap - I didn't even get to shower today!!!

Sorry guys...its come to this.

In sum it's been feeling a leetle bit like I'm going to be starring in my own not so funny version of fail blog

But rather than wallow and be super annoyed at myself I've decided dammit I will kick July's ass! Enough sad sacking

There is no sad-sacking after unicorns. It's a rule.

Where was I? Oh yeah, kicking July's ass. Much as I'd like to make it the month in which I cleaned the whole house, did all the projects I'd been planning, read all of O'Conner's on Family Law, entered in all the spending in the budget app immediately upon spending, painted the back porch, and cleared out the garden I know there is no way in heaven or Hades that is even remotely likely.

So instead this is the challenge: Not to eat out AT ALL for the entire month of July. And for me and hubster to go to the gym 10 times each.

Here are the rules:

1. There will be no eating out. For me this will not count getting an Iced Latte at Starbucks (sorry, but ain't nothing worth that) and for hubs he's excused for work lunch functions.

2. The goal is to home-cook every meal and not rely on frozen food but as that seems like a step-two type challenge, prefab meals are allowed so long as they are not bought out.

3. The only exception is that if Cal masters her addition tables she gets a night to go eat out and if that happens in July, gotta give it to her. But I'll try really hard not to like it.

4. The gym means each of us has to go 10 times. We can go together or separately but we've got to make it to ten.

I am going to try to post daily and I will include weekly menus, recipes, and a running total of the grocery bill (just for kicks and I want to go to London at some point).

This is not going to be easy. Especially since it's 3:30 am and I'm just now getting to sleep because James decided he'd choose tonight to bypass his normal 12:45 wake up and sleep a solid 5 1/2 hours...

or, you know, not eat out in July...

Garlic Knots: The Stupidly Easy Way

2013-06-27T11:38:00.002-07:00

Very Simple Gah-lick Knots with Classic Spaghetti and Meatballs

So there are two ways (ok, probably there are more out in the world) of making garlic knots, the hard way or the easy way.

I chose this one because it was by far the weirdest choice... The Godfather was a little too expected...

And this one is the easy way. The hard way involves making the dough from scratch. Now admittedly the hard way is a lot tastier (the easy way is still delicious) but the easy way has one huge advantage: when your baby has been crying all day and the family wants garlic knots but by God you just didn't have the damn time to make that dough back three hours ago when you just wanted the kids to be cool by themselves for just ten stinking minutes.... cough...I mean time. They take a lot less time :)

I think she was trying to make him an old woman?

My only caveat is that they do have a kind of artificial taste. I'm not sure I would have really noticed before I really tried (tried being the operative word) to make everything from scratch. That said, hubbie and kidlet said they were scrumptious and wiped out all of them.

Okkkk now for the recipe.

Special Equipment:

1. The chopper if you have it (see my marinara sauce post)
2. A baking sheet

The hubs could only find the garlic kind, I'm thinking plain would be better

3. Big mixing bowl

Ingredients:

1. Refrigerated bread stick dough (like Pillsbury)
2. 5 -6 garlic cloves (less if you're crazy and think you can have too much garlic)
3. Butter (1 tbsp, maybe 2)
4. Fresh parsley (go on, spend the 50 cents and get it fresh)
5. Grated Parmesan cheese (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat your oven according to package instructions
2. Take the dough out and wind it into knots

I just sort of wrapped them around themselves

3. Bake according to directions
4. While the knots bake - chop up your garlic and saute it in butter in a small pan over low heat (like 2-3). You just want it soft and fragrant. This will take some of the 'bite' out of the garlic. You aren't looking for crispy here.

The garlic at the start

Finished garlic

5. Chop your parsley up. Make it very small and fine. I love my chopper, but for this a knife works best.
6. When your rolls are done throw them STILL HOT into your big bowl and add your butter garlic mixture and your parsley and toss with a spatula.

Just mix it on up

7. Serve!

That was a good dinner...and easy too

Oh Noes Mosquitoes! A DIY Bug Trap Review

2013-06-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Ohhhh Texas summers. As if the skin-charring heat weren't enough to put you off then the damn mosquitoes would be.

And its not just Texas (I looked this up) most of the U.S. is a veritable plague pit of mosquito-ness

Map of Mosquito infestation in the U.S. (www.mosquitomap.org) Be afraid. Be very afraid.

In fact the local newspaper from where I spent my early childhood was named The Mosquito

I was featured in their Summer 1985 issue pouring water on some kid's head...pretty sure that means I'm famous

Who doesn't hate mosquitoes? They suck. Literally. And because I read too much on the internet I'm totally afraid that me or the kids or the hubster will be bit by an evil mosquito one of these days with dire consequences...

Like maybe this:

I made this picture small because The Fly is pretty much completely terrifying. Believe it or not this was one of the least disturbing images I could find. I should also note here that I decided I needed to wikipedia The Fly last night..oh God why?!!! Thanks for the nightmares Jeff.

But then there is the reality of this:

And you know they've got some spare Bubonic Plague in there...and maybe leprosy

And if that didn't get your attention - check this poster from WWII

Rosie the Riveter be damned! Go fill those holes people!

Well, this weekend the Hubs and I decided to get rid of the gross lava rock on our front path and plant some nice flowers, but this meant fighting off the mosquitoes. And somehow convincing them not to eat the baby.

I was going full throttle. I put citronella candles on the porch near Jamie (where he was watched like a hawk lest you worry) and I thought I'd make one of those DIY mosquito traps you see all over facebook and the internet. It looks like this:

Side note: maybe the best part is that this exact same recipe is found on both The Survivalist Blog and a blog on going green which are of notably different ..erm..slants.

After all the fighting..we've been making our mosquito traps the same way this whole time! <3

Anyhow, I thought it would not only be effective but a fun project for me and Cal to do. It was pretty easy to make and because I bake all the time, I had yeast on hand. YAY!

In fairness - it was really easy to make...

I even got the funnel of doom in there!

Now maybe I had high expectations - you know after seeing the mosquito carnage pictured in the directions, but I was kind of expecting something like this...


Wreck-It Ralph is a pretty darn good movie by the by

It was nothing like that. Nothing at all. Those mosquitoes could have given a rat's ass about the sugar/yeast bait. All they wanted was the baby...

Baby...the other other white meat

Luckily about that time I found some OFF! and sprayed us down, I moved Little Mister and Little Miss inside and we wrapped up the planting asap. In the interest of fairness I thought I'd leave the trap outside in the backyard where the mosquitoes are awful. Well, I went to check this morning - I've killed two gnats.

Yay.

Meanwhile I have about 5 mosquito bites. So, I'm going to call that trap a big fat fail. Anyone have any ideas? Suggestions? Success with this?

Otherwise I'm labeling this one:

I'm not affliated with MythBusters at all. But I wish I were..because they rock.

Easy and Delcious Marinara Red Sauce

2013-06-20T19:04:00.000-07:00


Good Old Fashioned Spaghetti and Meatballs

EASY AND DELICIOUS MARINARA SAUCE

I've loved Italian cooking forever but would always use jarred tomato sauces because I felt like making my own was too hard. I was intimidated. But the more I'd read about canned/processed foods the more I felt motivated to try to make as much as I could from scratch. I was really surprised by how easy it is to make good red sauce. Red sauce that tastes a heck of a lot better than the jarred stuff.

A couple notes:

1. Good sauce takes a long time. I let mine cook on the stove for a 1 1/2 - 2 hours.
2. When I did the test run recipe last night I did not have fresh herbs - they are better. If you have fresh herbs, use them.
3. One day I want to make red sauce without any cans from tomatoes I've grown myself. Emphasis here on 'one day' as that is probably wildly optimistic.
4. Unlike baking there is a lot of wiggle room here! Make it suit to taste! If you want more of a flavor - add more! Less? Decrease it! Add stuff in! Go wild.

Oh and my recipe makes A LOT of sauce. This is AWESOME for make ahead and freeze meals. I'll include my make and freeze meatballs soon. Best thing to do is to divide it up into small tupperware containers after its made so you have go-to sauce. Next time I make this I'm going to measure the volume of sauce and compare the cost to Classico (my old go-to brand) but I'm almost positive its a lot cheaper.

Special Equipment:

1. BIG pot with LID. We got an awesome huge Calphalon pot when we got married and I'm kind of in love with it.

My big mother pot

2. A chopper or food processor if you have one. If not a knife and cutting board will do.


I spent about $10 on this 5 years ago. I have an industrial style food processor but I use this one all the time because its so easy to clean. You want it for Christmas. You know you do.

3. A hand blender if you have one and dislike chunky sauce. My family hates chunky sauce en mass.
4. Spoon(s) for tasting (the amount you need is totally dependent upon how much your family cares if you double dip - and, of course if you're cooking for people outside your family, in which case it's kind of a no-no)

Ingredients:

This is like twice in a row I've had all my ingredient set out ahead of time. Go me!

1. 3 cans crushed tomatoes (I prefer the brand Contadina - make sure you get the unseasoned kind)
2. 1 can tomato paste
3. 1 big white onion
4. 1/2 cup matchstick carrots (I hate cooked carrots, so does my husband - but he had no idea they were in there. I think they help the flavor but omit at will)
5. 4 cloves of garlic (in my world there is no such thing as too much garlic)
6. 1/2 c. brown sugar (if you are feeling health conscious feel free to omit, but it really cuts the acidity of the tomatoes)
7. 2 tbsp olive oil
8. 1 tsp. salt
9. 3 tsp Italian Seasoning and 1 pinch rosemary OR (and better) 1/4 cup mixed chopped fresh basil, rosemary, and thyme
10. 1/4 cup of wine. Red (merlot) or white (chardonnay) - you choose. Yeah, yeah, red wine to go with red sauce but I like white wine and use it and its still awesome.
11. (Optional) add ins like: red peppers, mushrooms, green peppers, Parmesan cheese, spinach - mix it up however you like!

Red? White? Who cares...haters gonna hate

Directions:

1. Chop up the onion, garlic, and carrots. Here's where that chopper comes in all kinds of handy. I can chop onions, I just loathe doing it.

2. Put the olive oil in the pot and set to medium -low (about a 3). Toss the veggies in and saute on low stirring frequently until they are soft and translucent. Make sure you watch that they don't burn or turn brown. If you are adding in more vegetables, now is the time to throw them in.

That's what the veggies look like before they are sauteed

All cooked!

3. Add the tomato paste and the crushed tomatoes and stir till combined. Add some of the sugar and salt. Time to taste. Does your sauce need a touch more salt? Add it! Like it sweeter? Add more.

4. Add your seasoning - again, do this in increments. Do the same with your wine. Remember you can always add more but you can't take any out.

Here it is - ready to cook

5. Now simmer on low (about a 2) for 10 mins with the lid on. Stir occasionally.

6. Move the lid so it is partially covering the pan. Let the sauce simmer for about 25 minutes - it will reduce (i.e. the extra water will evaporate out and your sauce will be thicker). Stir occasionally. You don't really want it to be uncovered because of this:

There is something fiendish about red sauce that makes it go SPLAT!

See how the lid is allowing some of the moisture to escape?

7. Check that it is the thickness you want. If you want it thicker let it reduce more. If you're good - let it slow cook to allow the flavors to meld and get all kinds of awesome. I leave mine on for a good hour. Sometimes more. Make sure to stir occasionally and taste test. You may find it needs a little more of something as it cooks.

Here's the sauce all done and ready to serve!

8. If your family hates chunky sauce (like mine) stick your hand blender in and chop it up (you could probably also use a blender - but maybe you're lucky and your family isn't so picky)

Serve it up and freeze the rest!

Yumminess.

Some ideas for your red sauce: (I'll add the links as I add the recipes)

1. Spaghetti and Meatballs
2. Eggplant or Chicken Parmiagiana
3. Baked Ziti
4. Family Pizza Night
5. Tossed over store bought tortellini
6. Lasagna
7. Manacotti

Please comment with your thoughts, suggestions, and critiques!

How Not to Make Caramel

2013-06-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

How Not to Make Caramel: A Cautionary Tale

To be fair:

1. This is not my kitchen

2. I did not actually take a picture of the fire, because, you know, I was sort of more concerned with not burning down the house...

Ok, so. I've been cooking/baking/playing mad kitchen scientist since I was about seven. And while my early endeavors weren't fantastic and while I wouldn't call myself a pro, I'm pretty good in the kitchen.

I rate myself somewhere in here:

On second thought, am I really better than Swedish Chef? I might be reaching...

In all that time I really haven't had any major kitchen accidents.

But then I had a baby. Well, to be fair, a second baby because I don't remember baby number one messing with my cooking. (Sorry James)

So, if you are reading this perhaps you have read about my Epic Chocolate Cake which requires making caramel sauce. In that post I outlined the proper way to make caramel sauce, but here is how I screwed it up in a big kind of way...which goes to show no matter how good you may think you are (not me, not me at all...*cough*) it doesn't do to get cocky.

It started out great. Mixed it all up all nice. Thought * maybe* I should use a bigger pan.

Aww, its cooking up so nicely here

It was going well


This is about when I should have pulled it

....then baby started wailing. And I got distracted. And husband (who is perfectly capable of doing it himself) was cuddling screaming baby, but I just couldn't let it be could I? Noooooo I had to go stick my nose in things and walk away from the stove and see to baby....

(By the way I should note while I'm typing this my husband is silently tip-toe dancing/ cursing/ punching the air around the house freaking out about the last minutes of the Spurs/Heat Game 6 while trying not to wake the kids and its really damn hilarious)

And ...

That don't look good

So I pulled it. Right on to a puddle of water on the stove. Which popped and sounded all scary. Baby still screaming. So I yanked it off the water. Only then the caramel splashed out and immediately caught fire...

It was something like this:

Ok it was nothing like this.

I was like:

Luckily my husband was like

I shall crush the fire...with my abs.

And James was something like this:


Oh, sorry Mom you wanted to cook? (and that is actually my kiddo)

Still smokin' hot...

So yeah. There was that. I think the take away from this is:

1. NEVER walk away from caramel

2. And should you happen to somehow manage to create rock hard sugar that seems permanently affixed to your nice ceramic cook-top the proper method of removal is to use a rag and hot water to melt the sugar off.

3. NEVER walk away from caramel.

The End.