CA Marshall : Freelance Editor : Author : Lit Agency Intern

March Madness Agent Pitch Match!

2012-02-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

It's almost time for the exciting March Madness Agent Pitch Match! Shelley Watters, Brenda Drake, and I are hosting this exciting event on our sites March 12-14. So far we have half a dozen agents signed up to participate. The agents we have are looking for young adult and middle grade finished manuscripts.

Here's how it's going down ...

The agents will be bidding on your 35-word pitch and the first 150 words of your finished young adult and middle grade novels. The entries that make it into the match will be posted to our sites on March 12. The agents will have two days to review the entries and make notes on the ones they want.

On March 14 it's Game On. We'll have a twitter hash tag for the agents to post their bids and taunt their competitors. The agents will be hashing it out to win more pages or fulls on their favorite pitches. Each agent will have a limited amount of tickets/chips to bid with - partials cost less while fulls cost more. We'll have an official rules post before the fun begins.

Here's how to submit ...

Those of you who participated in our February pitch workshop already have a spot in the submission round. Shine up your pitches and send them to brendadrakecontests@gmail.com starting now and by the end of February 29 at 11:59PM EST. Put who critiqued your pitch in the subject line like this: Brenda's Workshop March Madness Entry or Shelley's Workshop March Madness Entry or Cassandra's Workshop March Madness Entry. Remember only enter if yours is a young adult or middle grade finished manuscript. Please format just as you did for the pitch workshop. (For those of you with other manuscripts, we're working on having a contest for you in the near future so keep an eye out on our blogs.)

Only one entry per person.

For those who weren't in the pitch workshop, we will have two submission times on March 2.

1ST SUBMISSION TIME: 12:00 pm (NOON) EST for the first 50.
2ND SUBMISSION TIME: 6:00 pm EST for the next 50.

If you're busy March 2, check out lettermelater.com!

Only the best of the best will make it the final round.

Make sure to check our sites on March 1 for instructions on how to format your entries.

That's it. We're so excited!

Pitch Workshop Winner!

2012-02-18T17:31:00.001-05:00

All of the pitches have been workshopped and Shelley Watters, Brenda Drake, and I have picked our door prize winners! Be sure to check out their blogs to see if you've won their door prize!

If you missed getting into the 60 slots or didn't get your entry in on time, be sure to check back in the posts and shine up your pitches for the big event coming in March! Details to come!

The winner (by Random.org) of the door prize (a $35 gift certificate to EditorCassandra.com) on my site is...

Miranda Hardy!

Please email me to claim your prize!

Pitch Workshop: J.W.'s 76k Fantasy

2012-02-17T08:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

Until February 18th, each of us will be posting pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.

My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: J.W. Parente
Title: Bond of Darkness
Genre: Fantasy
Word Count: 76,000 words

Pitch: A young mage seeks to avenge his father’s murder, but in the process learns his personal vendetta may see to the genocide of his magus order, and at the hands of someone close to him. [I feel like I've read this before, I don't see anything new that draws my interest. Maybe you could focus on a plot point that shows a bit more of your character and makes it a little less vague?]

Excerpt:

People these days seem to favor the expression, “Born in a world long since destroyed.” It’s bullshit, most of them blowhards who complain about being normal. The majority of them are Humes who only know day trades. The others are the hybrids that have come to the Motherplane. You see, I’ve been taught one thing about my superiors. That said, I’m still young, so I suppose my opinion wouldn’t much qualify to someone arguing with me. [Who is this person talking to?]

However, I do know how to defend my own kind if it comes to it. We’re a strong number, the mages of the Affinity, but therein is the source of the Humes' expression. They think we’re too powerful who be given the type of reverence we see. They think we expect too much adoration for keeping Elyserian running properly. The truth is they don’t know half as much as I would care, but then they’re only granted to know what they can’t use to disassemble us. [This sounds like too much backstory, too much of the local lingo without enough introduction or balance with stuff we already know. Do you need to tell us all this right from the get go? And again, who is this person talking to?]

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop: Huntress's 100k Fantasy

2012-02-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Huntress
Title: The Adamant
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 100 K

Pitch: A sentient relic made from the horn of a unicorn believes Shamira Kelley is its willing acolyte but possession doesn’t sit well [Can we break the sentence here? I just feel like it's a lot to take in in one sentence.] and she fights the relic and those who would use it against mankind. [How can it be used against mankind? And who wants to use it? I like the unique idea of this one, it just seems a little vague.]

Excerpt:

His lazy strides across the mall caught my attention. Like he had time to kill and everyone else could wait at his leisure. Most galling was how people moved out of his way. No glares. No commotion.

He appeared to be about my age, early twenties with black hair that curled just below the collar of his white shirt, height under six feet. With the body of a dancer, slender waist, and broad shoulders, his physique should have been drawing stares. But that wasn’t what piqued my interest. What set me off was his arrogance. Not his looks. Totally secondary. I barely noticed. Really.

Glances from the people in the crowded mall slid off, went around him like light bending around the source.

“Will you look at that,” I said to Olive, my former guardian.

She turned away from matching towels, threw me a hard look, and shot a quick glance around us.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop: Angela's 100k Women's

2012-02-16T08:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Angela
Title: Baggage
Genre: ~~chicklit/~~women's fiction
Word count: 100,000

Pitch: Virginia Dawson's life is a mess—literally. [I feel like this first sentence evokes those cliche "woman's life is a mess" tropes, and I don't want your book getting stuck in that pigeonhole. How about adding her name to the next sentence to making it, "Living as a Hoarder, Virginia Dawson, has adapted to her..." Living as a hoarder, she has adapted to her organized chaos. Until she falls for Daniel. Can Virginia clean up her act before her secret is revealed? [It's better to steer clear of rhetorical questions. I'd rather see something here that gives a plot point, like she has eight hours before he arrives at her house before dinner or something.]

Excerpt:

I could possibly be a millionaire right now and I’m about to be crushed to death, how ironic. [How is that ironic?]

Today’s topic on “Abigail in the Afternoon” was how to become rich by simply selling your stuff. It’s brilliant really; sell stuff you no longer need to people desperately seeking it. Apparently, people scavenge through yard sales and flea markets searching for those rare finds. And I have one of them! In one of these six, err, seven boxes is my own little stash of cash—a Little Kimmy doll!

Today’s guest has informed me that my Little Kimmy doll is worth a small fortune. Kimmy, in her red polka-dotted sundress with matching hat, is rare and in high demand. Of course, The Expert did say there are two versions of the doll—the other, which is mass-produced and worthless—is wearing a pink polka-dotted dress with no hat, but I distinctly remember playing with the red polka-dotted version like it was yesterday. [Oh, I really do like this!]

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop: Sharon's 90k Fantasy

2012-02-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Sharon Bayliss
Title: Destruction
Genre: Upmarket Contemporary Fantasy

Word Count: 90,000

Pitch: When David’s missing children are found, they claim that their abuser had been a dark wizard. The case manager believes they use this fairy tale to cope with their trauma, but David suspects otherwise. [Wow, I really like this one! All sorts of implied things and just enough details to set the scene! Well done!]

Excerpt:

David never ignored calls from unknown numbers. The only times he didn’t answer unknowns were in church, in important business meetings, and while making love to his wife. Any phone call could be the one he had been waiting to receive for the past eleven years.

The call came when David was lying in bed with Amanda watching television. She was asleep with her head on his arm. His fingers were tingling from the weight of her head cutting off his circulation, but he didn’t push her away. Not quite yet. This was the only time in the day when she slowed down enough that he could see the blond tips of eyelashes or the freckles between her breasts. No one else noticed these things, perhaps not even Amanda herself. ~~They were David's alone.~~

When his phone rang on the nightstand, Amanda opened her eyes again. He reached for it ~~without having to think about it~~.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop: Kira's 70k YA Para/Fantasy

2012-02-15T08:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Kira Decker
Title: Ravens Resonance
Genre: YA Paranormal Fantasy
Word Count: 70,000

Pitch: Alexander, the Duke's heir, and his blood brother Mitchell, must survive learning court etiquette, a corrupt minder, and the emergence of forbidden powers. [What sorts of powers?] Psibilities[I wasn't sure which word you meant here. Possibilities? Abilities? Is Psibilities a word you made up? If so, I think it needs a bit of an explanation. Either way, the strangeness of the word is distracting and I completely forget about what the plot was.] that will get them burned alive if discovered to soon. [Why?]

Excerpt:

“Auugh!”

Finally! Mitchell Maethers didn’t even slow his horse when he heard the strangled yell. He knew the strap that he had weakened on Lord Byron Grismoore’s saddle had finally broken. This was their chance to get away and spend some time by themselves.

“Come on Xander, kick it!”

“But what if he’s hurt?” Alexander Freeman slowed his horse just slightly, forcing Mitchell to do the same. He didn’t like the minder any more than Mitchell did, but he would never intentionally leave someone behind that was hurt.

“You insufferable brats! Get back here right now!” Lord Byron screamed at them in his high screechy voice. A voice only the two boys ever heard. “How dare you sabotage my saddle. When I get my hands…!”

“Does that sound like he’s hurt?” Mitchell quipped.

“No, just really pissed! Let’s go.” Alexander spurred Crossfire, but Mitchell galloped out in front of him, laughing at beating him off the mark.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop: Toni's 68k YA Paranormal

2012-02-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Toni Picker
Title: Bounty
Genre: YA paranormal romance
Word count: 68,000

Pitch: Rinn Grace is forced to take over her family’s bounty hunting business after her father disappears.[I love this first sentence, what a great hook!] She soon questions what makes an angel fallen when new kid Urie Larch becomes her next assignment. [What do fallen angels have to do with bounty hunting? There seems to be a disconnect between the two sentences. You can remove the last names of the characters to give yourself two extra words, too.]

Excerpt:

On the night of my seventh birthday, I watched my dad drain a man of all his blood. At least I thought it was a man. Hidden under a desk, in the locked study I was never supposed to set foot inside, Dad pulled a silver dagger from the man's chest before the man collapsed onto the floor. A pungent, sulfur-scented liquid pooled around his body. The skin sunk in, each passing moment sucked another ounce of life out of the man, condensing the cadaverous bones, until it was completely dry. Then the body disappeared. [Be aware of how many times you use the phrase 'the man' in this paragraph.]

As I descend the stairs tonight, my father whispers, “Wow.” He’s leaving the study just in time to see me before the dance, slipping the long skeleton key into his pocket. Years have passed but that memory still haunts me. The heel of my right shoe nearly catches on the step but I recover my balance, grabbing the railing for support.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - Miranda's 63k YA Horror

2012-02-12T08:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Miranda Hardy
Title: Out of Body ~~(working title)~~ [Own your title, whatever it is]
Genre: YA Horror
Word Count: 63,215

Pitch: When Faith’s newfound ability brings her to witness a gruesome crime, she’s unable to prove it to anyone, but the murderer. She finds herself the object of a twisted game of hunter and prey. [The first part of this is vague, the second part cliche. Be specific about what the ability is. Be specific about what the crime is. Use the space the second sentence takes up to ramp up the tension.]

Excerpt: The first time I left my body, I visited the darkened beach ~~form~~ from my childhood. The ocean stretched out for miles and a few large birds floated with the stars.[love!] Hotels lighted the curving deserted and sandy shore.

As I neared the water’s edge, I wanted to run my toes through the wet mush when I realized my feet were not there. Fear griped me and I instantly snapped back into my body.

My chest tightened as I breathed in deeply and bolted upward in my bed. The photo album fell to the floor, falling open to the picture of twelve year old me on Myrtle Beach four years ago. The same beach I had just visited seconds before; the same beach that sat over 750 miles away. [So you've got this prologue. Yes it's kinda interesting and yes it's got some beautiful phrasing, but is it necessary? No. It doesn't effect the real opening scene and doesn't tell us anything that we can't find out later just the same.]
~~Next chapter:~~ The rusty red locker slammed next to me and I jerked back, dropping my calculus book.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - R. Schieffelbein's YA Zombie Novella

2012-02-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: R. Schieffelbein
Title: Flesh-Eating Zombies and Evil Ex-Girlfriends
Genre: YA novella
Word Count: 30,000 words

Pitch: Erwin is in hell, locked in his high school with his ex and her obnoxious new boyfriend as zombies try to claw their way in. Can he leave the past behind to save himself? [I love love love the first sentence of this. I'd actually just leave it there. The rhetorical question at the end is cliche and takes all of that wonderful tension out.]

Excerpt: The carpet in the school library was rough against Erwin's cheek, but the uncomfortable floor had nothing to do with why he couldn't sleep. No one was sleeping. Everyone was lying there in silence, the fear and tension in the air so thick it reminded Erwin of movie scenes where the ceiling is coming down to crush everyone. The only difference, he thought, was that in the movies they always escape just in time.

It was hard to believe only a few hours ago he had been working out in the school gym. He remembered thinking, that this day couldn't possibly get any worse. He laughed at the thought now. Outside he heard another bang as whatever these things were, that used to be people, tried to claw and crash their way into the locked school. [Ooooh! Eeee! Yay zombies! Well done!]

***

Erwin was on his way to lunch when he saw them. Justin had Natalie pushed up against her faded orange locker, his tongue down her throat.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - Charity's 85k Sci-Fantasy

2012-02-11T08:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Charity Bradford
Title: SENDEK: THE MAGIC WAKES
Genre: Science Fantasy
Word Count: 85,000

35-word pitch: One woman must reconcile her hidden magical talents with her public scientific personality in order to prepare for an alien invasion. When science fails to save, magic becomes the only hope. [You give some great details, but they are a bit vague. What are her hidden magical talents? How does science fail to save whatever needs saving? Why is magic the only hope?]

Excerpt:
Damn. There was no way out of it. And no way to explain.

At moments like this, Talia wished she had opted for the smaller view screen. President Fielding loomed on the wall-sized unit in front of her with his gray hair and wrinkled eyes. She clenched her hands to keep them from trembling.

He had given in to her before. She had to try one more time.

“Sir, I’ve always worked remotely from my living room. There’s no need for me to move to Joharadin.”

“Miss Shannon, I don’t know why the Royalists are making a big deal out of this, but they say it must be face to face.” Fielding clasped his hands in front of him and leaned toward her from his desk. “We need you here. They can make the moon colony happen, but we have to play by their rules to get it.”

“But if I—”

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - Elizabeth's 55k YA Contemporary

2012-02-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Elizabeth
Title: The Simple Truth
Genre: YA Contemporary Romance
Word count: 55,000

Pitch: Johnny thought getting his violations (beaten and branded) out of a gang was the worst thing imaginable, but falling for the daughter of the woman who helps him get off the streets is way worse. [I really like this and how it compares the harsh gang life to love. Everyone can imagine both scenarios clearly and it sets up the emotional aspect of the story.]

Excerpt:
Johnny Castro didn’t consider himself a coward for running from the two men chasing him. He’d been running for most his life, so this was no big shocker. Seeing these two fools while canvassing the city for squatting rights, however, was a big shocker. ~~Johnny~~ He had hoped to make some extra cash playing his guitar at Union Station before catching sight of thing one and thing two. He’d known them since they’d recruited him in the Two-Six four years ago when he’d been thirteen. It was either join or become something akin to road-kill. They should’ve given up on the gang life a long time ago, having survived beyond puberty. [LOTS of backstory here. Is it really necessary to give all of this information RIGHT NOW?]

Johnny would’ve stopped to face them, but this breed didn’t play by old-school rules. These fools had guns. He’d read the Outsiders three times and it still cracked him up. He almost wished he’d lived in those days when even gangs had a code of honor.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - Kate's 83k YA Contemporary

2012-02-10T08:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in [blue].

***

Name: Kate Larkindale
Title: The Boyfriend Plague [LOVE the title!]
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word count: 83,000

Pitch: With her family making demands she can’t live up to, and her friends asking her to deny who she is, Livvie must decide how far she is willing to go for the people she loves. [I know this is contemporary and those are usually based on emotions and characters more than plot, but this couldn't be more vague. It says nothing about what Livvie has to deal with, what kind of person she is, or even what happens in the story. What are her family demands? Why do her friends want her to deny who she is? Who is she anyway? Why is there a need for her to go anywhere for anyone? What's she up against? Give us something concrete that we can latch onto. What about that title? Who's the boyfriend and why is there a plague? That could be something that's enough to catch and keep our attention.]

Excerpt: I squirmed on the splintery wooden bench. The room was too small and the irregular buzzing that crept over the lopsided swinging doors set my teeth on edge. Each burst sent a cloud of rusty orange scattering through my skull. [I must be missing it, but what exactly is setting her off? Where's the buzzing coming from?]

“Is this okay, Livvie?” Mel leaned over and pressed a slip of paper onto my knee.

I studied it for a moment, still trying to shake off the burning color my synesthesia had painted the world. “Yeah. It’s perfect.” I grinned at her, but my lips trembled so much I’m sure it was more a grimace.

“What about yours?” Mel turned to Hannah who had her paper crumpled in her fist.

She smoothed it out against the taut fabric of her jeans. “It’s good. I don’t think Mom could tell she hadn’t signed it.”

Mel sighed and glanced down at her own scrap of paper.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - KAusten's 90k YA Sci-fi

2012-02-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.

***

Name: KAusten
Title: Theian Legacy
Genre: YA sci-fi
Word Count: 90,000

Pitch: Amid shattered histories and cruel bullies, Maya finds hope in the boy next door. Her powers thrust her into the path of the hunters, but Jun will risk everything to protect her. [Wait, what powers? Who are the hunters? Who is Jun? What does the boy next door have to do with the plot? Why does Maya need protecting? What does she need protection from? What are the shattered histories and cruel bullies? I think bringing things into focus more can help make it sound less vague and less like a throwaway plot. What exactly makes this book sci-fi? What makes it unique?]

Excerpt:

“Freak,” Maya muttered, and stared at her reflection in the mirror. [starting with description of the main character in a mirror is a bit of a cliche, even if it does have to do with the plot.] Haunting blue-green eyes glistened with turmoil and self-loathing, and dark hair with natural white streaks billowed around her shoulders.

She raised a hand and pressed against the cool glass. A rolling from the pit of her belly spread to her arms, her hand, and seeped through fingertip pores. A strange, intense heat met the mirror surface, and sparks formed.

Tiny splinters branched out across the glass. Slight crackles filled the silence.

Maya pressed harder, until the splinters widened into cracks and shattered the mirror.

“Maya!”

She jumped. Panic assailed her gut. She spun toward the bedroom door where her stepmother, Linda, gaped at the mess. Disapproval and disbelief lingered on her long, pale face.

“Did you break another mirror? I thought we were past this.”

Had ~~Linda~~ she seen Maya’s powers? Did she know what sort of freak lived in her house?

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - Crystal's 100k YA Paranormal

2012-02-09T08:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.

***

Name: Crystal Licata
Title: THE THINGS THAT ARE [Love the title!]
Genre: Young Adult Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 100,000 [A bit on the high end, but not a closed door]

Pitch: After dreaming of her own murder, Brynn discovers her prophetic dreams are linked to the society of demigods responsible for her father’s death and the boy she loves is one of them. [I actually really like this one, it's got the paranormal influence, an inciting event, and even a love interest without being too bogged down in irreverent details. Well done Crystal!]

Excerpt:
When we heard the sirens we thought they were for us. [Oooh, tension! Good!] I lifted on my tiptoes to see over the cluster of heads crowded around the dirt caked windows. Two cop cars and an ambulance barreled pass the abandoned barn and everyone sighed with relief. The wannabe DJ cranked the music back up and someone yelled ‘shots’ and it was like nothing had happened. But I knew better.

I rinsed my sticky hands with a bottle of water and ducked under the makeshift bar built from a broken door and two old wine barrels.

“Brynn, where are you going?” Sam shouted after me. “You can’t leave me alone. Everyone keeps trying to steal our inventory.” She slid the bottles of alcohol closer together. We had managed to scavenge a few half empty bottles from her uncle’s restaurant.

I patted my hands on my jeans and leaned over the bar so she could hear me.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - Carrie-Anne's 335k Historical

2012-02-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.

***

Name: Carrie-Anne
Title: You Cannot Kill a Swan: The Love Story of Lyuba and Ivan
Genre: Historical fiction, saga
Word count: 335,000 (it was deliberately planned and plotted as a very long book and has been through a lot of editing and revising; this isn't the type of story that I could've wrapped up within 400 pages) [I appreciate where you're coming from on the word count, but honestly, this is not going to fly. Sure there are exceptions to the word count rules, but as a debut author you don't have the luxury of being the exception. Printing bigger books has a bigger price tag and takes up a bigger space on bookstore shelves. For your book to be worth the risk for publishers, you'll have to have a proven track record of sales. This means that perhaps you might need to put this book aside until you earn the higher word count allowance. Alternatively, you can try self-publishing.]

Pitch: Lyuba Zhukova and Ivan Konev deal with emotional turmoil and civil upheaval as they and their band of friends run for their lives from the Bolsheviks and deal with the reality of American immigrant life. [This is all well and good, but it's flat and vague. What sets this plot apart from other historical novels just like it? What about this novel's plot warrant's the bloated word count? Try highlighting a specific event or emotion to bring the characters or plot to the surface.]

Excerpt:
Instead of walking to St. Basil’s Cathedral to marry his dream girl, Iván Ivánovich Konev is crying his eyes out in a broom closet.

His heartbeat quickens when he hears approaching footsteps and the door opening. Perhaps his [He wouldn't refer to her as his, would he? He would use 'my' instead.]belovèd Lyuba has already changed her mind, he thinks as he turns around.

Instead his eyes fill with the sight of his good friend Alekséy Vladímirovich Trótskiy, one of the only people who knew about their clandestine romance.

“Lyuba just jilted me when I asked her to marry me [he asked her to marry him on the day of their wedding?] and go to America! And to add insult to injury, she said she still loves me. I’ve never heard of such a confusing, heartbreaking response to a marriage proposal!”

“What? That doesn’t make any sense! Why don’t you dry your eyes and we can talk about this while we’re waiting for the bus.” Alekséy extends a handkerchief. “Boy, if only people really knew how overly sensitive you are.”

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - Tracy's 80k YA Fantasy

2012-02-08T08:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.

***

Name: Tracy N. Jorgensen
Title: THE IMPENDING DEMISE OF THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 80,000

Pitch: After seven assassination attempts, Jerome Harold Prewitt III wants some answers, and the Girl with Brown Eyes, a time-traveler, has them. Unfortunately, a seductive witch has her, Jerome’s family, and a penchant for domesticating monsters. This might sound stupid, but is someone attempting to assassinate him, or has he failed to assassinate someone else? Is the witch the assassinator/assassinatee? Is it necessary to include his full name? There's so much going on here (assassinations, time traveling, witches, monsters) that it's hard to know what the focus is.

Excerpt:

At twelve years and not old enough for a title, the Boy kept his focus on the moss-covered cobblestones at his feet, but he stopped his daily walk through the cemetery at a sight even he could not dismiss.

"You shouldn’t do that.” He narrowed his eyes ~~and glared with indignation~~.[Says the same thing twice]

"Do what?" The target of his fury, a girl no older than he, swung her legs back and forth. She had brown eyes, but as for her other features, he had not taken the time to notice them. He found something else far more interesting.[What has he found more interesting?]

"What you’re doing, sitting on that headstone there."

"And why shouldn’t I?" Her question seemed genuine, but the Boy could not fathom how she could not see the issue with her actions.

"Because. Someone died there."

The Brown-Eyed Girl brushed an orange leaf from the headstone. "No they didn’t. Not one of these people died here..."

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop - Meradeth's 86k YA Fantasy

2012-02-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, and me!

Here's how we're going to play:

Every day for the net ten days, each of us will be posting two pitches/150 word excerpts from the brave participants to our blogs. We will provide a critique, and then all of you, if you would like, can also critique the entry in the comments.

My rules if you are going to critique: Be nice. Provide constructive criticism. Don't just say, "this sucks" or "this isn't working for me." Instead, say what exactly isn't working and offer a suggestion to help make it work. Any mean comments will be deleted. You know how it feels to receive critiques, so play fair. One of the best things we can do to help our own writing is to critique the work of others. It helps us to look at our own work with a critical eye.

If you have time, don't forget to head over to Brenda's and Shelley's blogs to see/comment on their critiques as well.

Remember, this event is in preparation for our big pitch event coming up in march, so even if you didn't make it into the workshop, read the posts, critique, play along, and it can help you for the upcoming epic event!

So, onto the entries! My comments are in blue.

***

Name: Meradeth

Title: Shadows
Genre: YA sci-fi
Word count: 86,000

Pitch:
Step one: figure out what the oily shadows creatures Leah sees actually are. Step two: figure out why they murdered her family. Step three: figure out how to kill them all. I like the voice this one has, but it makes me think paranormal more than sci-fi. The 'steps' lend a clinical air to this as well, but it's a fine line between too technical/unemotional and form for the sake of style. It works here, but may not work for others.

Excerpt:
The dark rind of dried blood wasn’t coming out from under my fingernails no matter how hard I scrubbed. I finally grabbed a paper towel and turned off the faucet, giving up. I used the same towel to push open the graffiti-coated door. A quick glance around the parking lot, thankfully empty, left me breathing easier.

The wooden dowel the gas-station owner used to keep any non-customers from using his bathroom was shoved into my back pocket, and I stepped inside the convenience store to return it. The man behind the counter was reading a magazine with some stacked girl posing on the front in a way that amplified her ‘assets.’ I dropped the key on the counter and muttered, “In your dreams,” as I walked away. The clerk didn’t look up.

An electronic chime sounded as the front door opened and I glanced up just in time to avoid slamming into the cop sauntering into the store. While technically well done, this sample feels bland. There are several stereotypes (the sauntering cop, the woman scoffing at sexy images, the icky gas station restroom) and when put together it feels like something we've seen before. Starting with a unique situation or a character with an interesting voice or style could help.

***

Okay commenters! Your turn! Remember, the critiquing rules: be nice, provide constructive criticism.

Pitch Workshop Submission Time!

2012-02-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

It's time for those of you who made it into the pitch contest to submit your pitches to brendadrakecontest@gmail.com.

Please format your email submissions as follows...

-------------------------------------------------

To: brendadrakecontests@gmail.com
Subject: Pitch Workshop

Name: The name you want on your post

Title: Your MS Title

Genre: Any Genre

Word count: The number of words in your manuscript - like - 70,000 (word count matters and we'll tell you if yours is off)

Pitch: 35-word (exact) pitch

Excerpt:

The first 150 words of your manuscript (if the 150th word falls in the middle of a sentence, then please go to the end of that sentence.
------------------------------------------------

Your critiquers...

Brenda Drake

Shelley Watters

Cassandra Marshall

We'll be posting two each on all three of our sites for ten days starting February 8th. So hurry and get your pitches into us. First come first served. Your pitches will be open to critiques from others. And you can also post them on your own blogs if you'd like more feedback.

On the final critique day, we'll announce one winner of a fantabulous door prize by Editor Cassandra (That's me!) on each of our sites (that's three prizes)!

Pitch Workshop with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters, & ME!

2012-02-02T00:18:00.000-05:00

Pitches are hard. It's difficult enough to summarize your book in about three pages for a synopsis, killer to get it down to less than a page for the query, but to get the essence of your book down to a single sentence? UGH! So my CP's and I have cooked up a little contest to help out.

(Can I enter my own contest? ... *sigh*)

Here's how it's going down...

The first 60 entries in the linky below will qualify to submit their 35-word pitch and first 150 words of their Adult, YA, or MG (any genre) manuscript for critiquing. You many only enter once. We'll critique them and post them to our sites for further critiques from your writing friends. We will pull three random door prize winners for the editing certificates from Editor Cassandra. If we don't reach 60 entrants before February 17th, we'll close the linky and split the participants between us. Simple.

Here's your critiquers (click on their names to learn more about them)...

Brenda Drake

Shelley Watters

Cassandra Marshall

Please only enter if you want your entries posted to our sites for critiques.

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Epiphany Wishlist Contest Winners!

2012-01-11T14:56:00.000-05:00

Huge thanks to everyone that entered the contest! It was really awesome to get lots of books that fit in with my tastes. But on the flip side, that also made it really hard to choose a winner!

So I chose three!

Dana Edwards, Melinda WIlliams, and Jessie Humphries!

You've each won a $35 gift certificate to be used for any services on editorcassandra.com! Please email me to claim your prizes!

Gaby's got her winners posted too so check her blog!

Christmas to Epiphany Wishlist Contest!

2011-12-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

So the editing advent event is over, but there are still prizes to be won!

To celebrate Christmas, the Christmas to Epiphany Wishlist contest is up! From today to January 6th you can enter the contest using the form at the bottom of the page. Just fill in the blanks and you're game!

Remember to check both mine and Gabriela's wishlists and choose one of us to submit your entry to. You can enter the contest through either blog regardless of the editor you choose, just mark the correct editor on your form. But please choose just one of us. We don't want to have to fight over Christmas gifts!

On your form, paste your query and your first few pages and make sure you stay within the word count on both. Don't forget to mention in your query why you think your manuscript fits the editor's wishlist. And remember to end your excerpt on a natural break. Sometimes less is more.

And you do remember the prizes, right?

Gabi's winner: Edit of 40 pages + 30% off any services you wish to hire (There might be honorable mention prizes too!)

Cassandra's winners: US$35 gift cards to be used towards any services you want (up to three winners)

So what are you waiting for? Enter using the form! We can't wait to read your entries!

And of course, have a very Merry Christmas and an amazing New Year!

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Editing Advent 2011: Day 24! Win a FREE $35 gift certificate to EditorCassandra.com!

2011-12-24T11:54:00.000-05:00

All through December, I'm giving away an editing prize to a lucky commenter each day during the advent, and TODAY is the last day!

The previous winner was Emily!! Please email me within 24 hours to claim your prize!

Behind today's door there's a $35 gift certificate!!

That's good for any of my services,

including towards the cost of a full edit or to give as a gift!

To win:

Follow this blog and leave a comment on this post +1
Tweet using #editingadvent with a link to camarshall.com or editorcassandra.com +1
Blog about the editing advent event +5

Leave a comment for each entry (only one comment needed for blogging. Please post links to tweets/blog posts)
Winner will be announced the following day and they have 24 hours to contact me to claim their prize.
Only one prize per person.

Do you want even MORE chances to win $35 gift cards? I've teamed up with Gabriela Leesa for a Christmas to Epiphany Wishlist contest!

On Christmas day, we'll both post our a form for you to fill out with the details of your book. If we like what we see, you could win a $35 gift certificate from EditorCassandra.com to be used towards ANY services or a 40 page edit and 30% discount on any services from GabrielaLeesa.com!

The entry form will be up on both of our sites from Christmas day to January 6th. You'll be asked to enter your information plus your query (500 words max) and your first few pages, ending on a natural break (1,500 words max). You’ll also be asked to choose a judge (me or Gabriela), so make sure you check both our wishlists and pick the one that fits you best.

So what's on our wish lists?

My list:

YA Contemporary and/or Adventure, something other than whining and pining about boys. A romance is a-okay and even encouraged, but I want MORE.
I’m not afraid of sex in books, a good pregnancy scandal or aftermath of a termination, first-time awkwardness, girls that enjoy sex and being sexy without it being a feminist issue, etc.
YA sci-fi, space stuff, not so much the technical or typical aliens
YA steampunk, please please please! Adult too!
I love fantasy, but it’s gotta be more than the genre standard.
Humorous MG, perhaps with pirates, Girl and/or boy “club” books are great, adventures or problem solving are awesome
I love those dual timeline books, like REVOLUTION and DELIVERANCE DANE, and would love to see an adult or YA or MG with that.
I’d even like to see author/illustrator picture books (can send .pdf)
I love quirky and out of the ordinary stuff. I like time travel, and regular global travel, and interesting ways of traveling. Stuff that’s MORE than just genre standards, that brings something fresh or has an interesting twist to it.
I love “gap year” books, or stuff from the years after high school/college and transitioning to adult life.
I love anything “special” that blends genres, kick-ass characters, innocent characters, less love for the completely snarky, but funny sarcastic is great, books that will make me laugh AND cry.
I love a good romance, but the plot can’t rely on just miscommunication or misunderstanding. No “instant love” or “undeniable attraction” stuff, I want REAL relationships. Cultural divide books are great, circumstances keeping two apart, wrong timing books (like the movie ONE DAY with Anne Hathaway).
“Lost” princesses, or the characters finding out that they are royal or come from famous stock, something that makes them special, I’d love to see those.
Military stuff, young military wife, military kids, even military memoir would be good.

Gabriela's list was posted yesterday! She's got you adult thriller, memoir, romance, and literary writers covered! YAY!

Editing Advent 2011: Day 23! Win a FREE $35 Gift certificate from Freelance Editor Cassandra!

2011-12-23T19:34:00.000-05:00

All through December, I'm giving away an editing prize to a lucky commenter each day! Check back now through Christmas Eve to win!

The previous winner was Tome!! Please email me within 24 hours to claim your prize!

Behind today's door there's a $35 gift certificate!!

That's good for any of my services,

including towards the cost of a full edit or to give as a gift!

To win:

Follow this blog and leave a comment on this post +1
Tweet using #editingadvent with a link to camarshall.com or editorcassandra.com +1
Blog about the editing advent event +5

Leave a comment for each entry (only one comment needed for blogging. Please post links to tweets/blog posts)
Winner will be announced the following day and they have 24 hours to contact me to claim their prize.
Only one prize per person.

Do you want even MORE chances to win $35 gift cards? I've teamed up with Gabriela Leesa for a Christmas to Epiphany Wishlist contest!

So what's on our wish lists?

Gabriela wants:

Really cool and well-written multicultural fiction. Multicultural is hard to write because it’s hard to introduce a different culture without getting too descriptive. I’ve seen good ideas, but no fantastic manuscripts. Nothing that makes me think of Javier Moro’s Passion India, my favorite multicultural ever. I would love to see a story full of flavor from a country I don’t hear about often, a manuscript that takes me somewhere I’ve never been and still gives me a fantastic plot that mixes cultural clashes, romance and overcoming difficulties sometimes unknown to other cultures.
Anything that focuses on cultural or age clashes, written in an original way.
Outstanding contemporaries that really bring something cool to the genre. There’s a hunger for great contemporaries out there. Good contemporaries are never too much. So I definitely want to see great contemporary MG, YA and adult fiction.
Romance that is truly original and brings something very unique to the table. I particularly love contemporary romance, romantic comedy, chick lit (yeah, I said it) and general fiction with strong romantic elements.
Literary fiction with a commercial appeal and a really strong voice (if it’s sarcastic or bitter, even better). Like Tom Rachman’s The Imperfectionists and Jonathan Tropper’s This Is Where I Leave You.
Historicals that deal with important issues and transcend genres. I’m very picky about historicals. Really.
Anything that could be turned into a movie and starred by Robert Downey Jr.
Women’s Fiction that brings something new to the table. Like Jennifer Weiner or Emily Giffin.
Suspense / thrillers with an original “villain”. Somehow it seems to be always the Russian, the Chinese, the Middle Eastern or the Colombians, always the medical industry, the terrorists, the Wall Street guys or the drug dealers. Yeah, I know, I’m eliminating all normal possible villains. What can I say? I’m really all for originality.
Memoirs with a great, fun voice, like Jen Lancaster’s Bitter is the New Black, or with a multicultural theme and strong difficulties, like Loung Ung’s First They Killed My Father and Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s Infidel.
Voice, voice, voice. A great voice is everything.

My list will be posted tomorrow! I've got you YA writers covered! YAY!

Editing Advent 2011: Day 22: Win a $35 GC for any editing services from editorcassandra.com!

2011-12-22T17:11:00.000-05:00

All through December, I'm giving away an editing prize to a lucky commenter each day! Check back now through Christmas Eve to win!

The previous winner was Sophia!! Please email me within 24 hours to claim your prize!

Behind today's door there's a $35 gift certificate!!

That's good for any of my services,

including towards the cost of a full edit or to give as a gift!

To win:

Follow this blog and leave a comment on this post +1
Tweet using #editingadvent with a link to camarshall.com or editorcassandra.com +1
Blog about the editing advent event +5

Leave a comment for each entry (only one comment needed for blogging. Please post links to tweets/blog posts)
Winner will be announced the following day and they have 24 hours to contact me to claim their prize.
Only one prize per person.

Just a note, once you win a prize, you are NOT eligible to win another prize. Those that have already won and comment again are disqualified. Also, it's easier for me if you guys do separate comments, but I know it's hard to remember to do that. I've still been counting your entries even if they are all in one comment. HUGE karma points to those who have been making separate comments! Also, if you blog and use those extra five entries towards a day's prize, you must blog again to earn five entries for another day.

I'm trying to keep everything fair and give everyone the opportunity to win an editing prize. Your cooperation is very appreciated :)