Camouflage Angel

A Boy and His Dog

2015-01-23T14:40:00.001-06:00

Joseph,

Do you remember all the times you begged us for a dog? You were relentless, as you usually are. You wanted to work at the animal shelter just to work with dogs. You told me of all the things you would do with your dog if you had one. You were going to walk your dog, feed your dog, play with your dog, train your dog, sleep with your dog. Do you remember?

By the grace of God, we got you the best dog in the world. She is everything you ever wanted. She is big. She is smart. She is loyal. She is gentle. She is trained. She is amazing! And of all the family members, you are the last to appreciate this.

So do you remember last night? Do you remember going to bed without telling us goodnight? Going to bed early again due to your disrespect? It has been the same thing for the last two nights. But what made last night so sad is the way you came home from school.

You were so happy about your day at school. At wrestling practice you had wrestled Z and won! You were so proud! You were full of stories, smiles, laughter. After dinner, as always, everyone had chores and homework. It was your easy night of chores. I told you to make sure your room was clean, pick up trash on the stairs, and take the dog for a walk.

And the sweet, happy, smiling boy went away. You got angry because you could not watch T.V. until you took the dog outside. You thought it would be okay to just let her run around without a leash. You did not care that she could get run over or picked up by the pound. You just did not feel like finding the leash, putting it on her, and walking her outside for, at the most, 5 minutes. You let her out anyway. She ran. You told someone else to go get her. We told YOU to go get her. Then you let your mouth start. You said this was all stupid. She was fine. You said I was getting worked up and over reacting. You got sent to bed. And I sat here wondering why. Why does that happy little boy always have to go away? Why do our happy evenings always have to end on such an unhappy note? Was it really that hard to walk the dog?

So today is Friday. To say I'm dreading the next three days is an understatement. What you don't know is how sick I've been lately. How hard I am trying to make you happy. How very much I love you! Please try. Put the effort out. Love your siblings. Love the life that God has blessed you with. And love your dog!

Love,
Mom

2015-01-22T17:54:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Linscombs

Front L to R: Mary Clare, Jerome, Bernadette, Joseph

Back L to R: Amy, Mattie, Jeffrey, Justin

Changing Winds

2015-01-22T17:43:00.003-06:00

I know it has been forever since I updated the blog. There are various reasons for this. I will explain these best I can and then I will tell you why I have decided to write again. As I have stated before, writing is my therapy. There are a few other hobbies I have but nothing soothes my soul and battered emotions like writing.

Joseph was attending Villa Maria school for special children the past few years. He would go on a Sunday evening or Monday morning and stay until Friday evening. We had to deal with some behavioral issues and frustrations on the weekends but it was not to the point where I had much to write or vent about on the blog. I also turned to exercise for a long time and would set out every morning to a boot camp or bike ride which I found to be very therapeutic.

Another reason I let it go was because I had nothing new to say. It was the same old thing. I needed to find other ways to deal with the stress then venting them to the world on this little blog. And then things started to unravel quickly with every thing else in our lives BUT Joseph.

I had three weddings of adult children, two grand babies born, two knees replaced, we lost our home, moved into a rent house and just a month ago into a new home, physical therapy, doctors appointments, numerous health issues, and problems of various degrees with all the other children. It was mind numbing. So mind numbing I didn't even have the strength to write. So, what has changed?

After suffering a lot of health issues over the past three years, I have come to accept my life as it is. I temporarily opened an antique shop but after too much success decided to open it from my home to ease the stress and to be here for my family. Also, Joseph did not return to Villa Maria this year. He wanted to stay home and go to the public school. After exploring our options and finding out more about the program we decided it was worth giving it a chance. This meant he would be home all the time which on one hand is a good thing but on the other leaves us with no respite. Ever.

The house we bought is ideal for him. It is 2 blocks down from the rent house so he knows the neighborhood and there was little transition to deal with. He also has his own room which gives him his own quiet space to retreat when thing begin to overwhelm him. I gave him the smallest room so he feels snug and safe. He loves it!

And so...why now? Why even start writing again? Things are better with Joseph. At least I know what to expect every day. I know things will always be crazy, hectic and stressful. What changed was that Joseph discovered this blog. He was issued an ipad at school to better do his work. I am still not sure how he came to discover the blog but he did. And he read it. And he thought it was AWESOME! He asked me when I picked him up at school if he was famous. He said he was on the Internet and so were pictures of him. He was THE camouflage angel! I told him that a lot of people around the world love him and pray for him so yeah...he is famous. He came home with a different disposition. He was moved by our love. Understood our struggle. Appreciated us!

My idea is to change my forum. I have decided to talk to Joseph through this blog. It will get personal. I will be harsh at times but always loving. Why didn't I think of this before? He reads better than he listens. I thought that through this type of forum it would keep my family and friends updated while at the same time talking to the famous angel himself.

So here goes. I will start tonight and we will just take a day at a time. And by the way, I hope everyone is having a very blessed New Year! I've missed you all and hope that you continue to offer us up in prayer.

Unseen But Still There

2012-03-05T15:51:00.004-06:00

I am not sure if I am alone in this or not but here goes a rant. It is not that I don't understand the good intentions of others but I am defensive right now. I would not say offended but just weary and defensive. I am so tired of people meeting Joseph or just observing him and saying something along the lines of "he looks so normal and is so sweet!"

I just want people to know a few things. I am considering carrying around his massive file of reports and just say "here, would you like to read these?" Am I looking for sympathy? Probably. I suppose this is not very honorable of me. But I am human. I am a mom. I am a mom who deals with a special needs child and this is what I want you to know.

Special needs of the mind, illnesses of the mind and injuries of the mind have a higher rate than those with physical conditions and often have few physical conditions. Joseph would not be in special needs programs at school if he did not have learning disorders. He would not be in a school for special needs children if he did not meet the criteria. He would not have specialists in different fields saying the same things. I happen to be a mother who did NOT want a negative diagnosis. I went to different doctors and different types of doctors trying to get a different diagnosis. I have sat in the chair opposite the specialists who have studied him to hear the words, "I'm sorry but this is a very complex situation". NO! I do NOT want to hear this. I, too, "see" no physical handicaps. This frustrates me more than comforts me. There is something broken I can't see and can't fix.

No one sees, lives, hears, and feels the violence that we do. He slapped me on the back this weekend so hard it knocked the breath out of me and brought tears to my eyes. And this was a playful moment. He also pushed me into the counter this weekend saying he hated me. I have holes in the wall in every room of my house. Every door has a keyed lock on it...the hall closet, the wash room, bedrooms, storage room. Anything that can be used as a weapon or could hurt him has to be locked up....knives, bats, jump ropes, tape, belts, sheets, tools, cleaners, alcohol, medications, etc. However, there could never be enough protection as there are lamps, electrical cords, chairs, pillows, windows, sticks, rocks. So he has to be watched 24/7 when he is home so that he does not hurt himself, someone else or our property.

He has set fires, urinated in floor vents and holes in the wall, run a mile down the road in the snow barefoot, run into traffic, ran out of a courthouse in a city, has night terrors when he does sleep which is seldom, vomits for no reason, has strange food likes and dislikes, can't stand his nails or hair to be cut, has to swim with a shirt on so no one sees him "naked" but will walk through the house with nothing on, sees and talks to things that are not there, suffers an anxiety disorder, gets motion sickness, migraine headaches, irrational thinking, memory loss and distortion, and so much more. He does not feel severe pain but falls apart over the smallest pain.

One of his diagnosis is autism. It is a social disorder. He can not handle social situations. He shuts down. He will not look you in the eye. Because of this, and his finger twisting and flicking, his loss of words, and his nervousness you may see him as shy. He is but it is much more than that. This shyness is seen as sweetness. He is but..... And what you may not know is that this "shyness" and inability to communicate well, with a speech impediment, with social problems, and with anxiety issues (he will be scared you will laugh at him or not like what he says) what he is going through as he talks to you is very painful for him. So when we leave your company his stress kicks in and we are the ones he takes it out on. Oh, and he is medicated so his symptoms are not as severe.

He has severe sensory issues so it is always a guess as to what is going on at every moment. Is he too hot or cold? Is it too loud or too quiet? Is the room too large or too small? Is this shirt the right material, color or size? Are the lights too bright or is it too dark? Is the wind blowing? Is there a smell bothering him? Is there someone in the room that scares him? Is that chair too hard or too soft? Oh, and he is medicated so these symptoms are also not as severe.

They say to find his triggers so as to avoid the meltdowns. What do we do when everything is a trigger? What's a meltdown you may ask? It depends on the day and what set him off. He may run. He may scream. He may cry. He may hit. He may throw something. He may say something very offensive. He may start drooling. He may spit. He may break something. He may kick something. He may fall on the floor and pitch an all out tantrum which is not easy to deal with when it is a 10 year old 93 pound boy. Oh, and yes, this is ON medication.

I have heard some kind things from friends and family. I know that this is just a venting rant today. I know that I have prayers and support. But there have been several people who have told me that it is "doctors" (said with almost a hatred) that have told us there is "something wrong". Why did we want him "labeled"? And "what do doctors know? They are crazy?" Maybe it is just his diet?" "Maybe he will outgrow it?" Or "I don't know.....I have children that misbehave...." My all time favorite was "There is nothing wrong with Joseph. He just needs LOVE!"

So please, if you hear that someone has a child with autism, bi-polar, schizophrenia, brain injury, or other mental illness keep these things in mind. When you see a child "misbehaving" in a public place give the parents the benefit of doubt and think that maybe they have a disabled child. Their handicap may be unseen but it is still there.

Miracles DO Happen

2012-02-28T21:36:00.000-06:00

I am often lost in the everyday expectations of my vocation without realizing that I have become indifferent to the crosses I have been asked to carry. I wake each morning knowing what is expected and what to expect. And then, out of no where, God jars me with something different. It is Lent. I fully expected this past weekend would be hard and maybe even harder than the weekends before. But He gave me a gift instead.

Things had gotten so hard over the past few weekends when Joseph was home that we had decided I would find a place to stay with him. Perhaps someone had a basement room I could use or a camper? I am still looking if anyone has any ideas. But this past weekend things were different. When I picked him up Friday at school I could tell right away that he was at peace. He was smiling. He was happy. He told me wonderful stories full of faith and hope. He shared with me that he had given up Transformers for Lent so he would not be talking about it over the weekend. He went happily and without a fight to his therapist. There were a few issues. He had problems sleeping all weekend and I was up with him all night Saturday. But we had such a beautiful wonderful weekend. He was my old Joseph. The Joseph we knew before his brain injury.

I see my little Jo-Jo sometimes but it is a fleeting moment. And then his anger returns. I hope and pray that this is a real miracle. He is going to daily mass and loves saying his prayers and singing to Jesus. He is around such kind and pious Sisters. He is blossoming. I took him to get an ice cream before bringing him back to school Sunday night. He told me how much he loved me and that he was so happy this weekend. He said he was worried about going back to school because he was going to miss me so much. He said he had a good idea....how 'bout we take a picture every time we do something special together so we could remember it forever. So...I did!

Last week he had a day off school and I took him up to his old school to visit his friends. They were so sweet to him. They asked him so many questions. He told them about being in the special Olympics. Here he is telling them all about being on the basketball team!

Showing them how he dribbles the ball!

Joseph is on a prayer list for the canonization of Frank Duff, the founder of The Legion of Mary. This may not be enough to be declared a miracle for a canonization but if he stays on this path it will be a huge miracle to my family. Please consider saying this prayer with our family.

God our Father, You inspired your servant Frank Duff with a profound insight into the mystery of your Church, the Body of Christ, and of the place of Mary the Mother of Jesus in this mystery. In his immense desire to share this insight with others and in filial dependence on Mary he formed her Legion to be a sign of her maternal love for the world and a means of enlisting all her children in the Church's evangelizing work. We thank you, Father, for the graces conferred on him and for the benefits accruing to the Church from his courageous and shining faith. With confidence we beg you that through his intercession you grant the petition we lay before you ..... We ask too that if it be in accordance with your will, the holiness of his life may be acknowledged by the Church for the glory of Your Name, through Christ Our Lord. Amen.

Moments Like This

2012-02-07T07:55:00.000-06:00

Sleeping peacefully on the couch as if in prayer.

Moments like we had this past weekend are God's little reminders to me of how blessed I am to have this incredible child in my life. In His mercy, God opens these windows of time where, for a moment, I am able to look into Joseph's heart and soul and really see him. I see the little boy that is happy and yet profoundly sad. The little boy who is at peace and yet terribly afraid. The little boy who is full of joy and yet so angry. For a moment he looks me in the eye and we really connect....and then it's gone. I honestly do not recall the last time I enjoyed a whole weekend with Joseph and the rest of my family. Joseph did not give me one moment but several of them where his camouflage was gone and I really saw an innocent sweet angel. We laughed and we played. He was so at peace. He would go to his bed on his own and fall asleep. He was concerned about the rest of us. He reminded everyone of rules. He taught us how things were done at Villa Marie and voiced his opinion that it would be better if it was done that way at home. His infectious smile was back! The dark circles under his eyes were gone. I can only think that his new medication and his time at Villa Marie are to credit for this amazing transformation. I knew that daily mass, the sisters, and sleeping just steps from Our Lord would make some difference in his life. Will it last? You know, I am past asking that question. I just soak in every single moment like this and treasure it. It gives me the energy and strength I need to face the next battle. He called me last night. He was missing me. He said he loves me. I heard it and felt he meant it. I dreamed about him all night. I can't wait to see him again. No one but the mother of a child like Joseph can understand how bittersweet that is to say.

His reaction to my question, "What do you think about all this snow?!?!"

Family fun at the lake! That's Joseph flying down the hill!

School, Snow and Seroquel

2012-02-04T17:16:00.001-06:00

Fundraiser dance for Villa Marie

Joseph's second week of school went much better than the first. He stayed all week! I didn't even get a phone call from him. We met him that Friday night at the dance hall where the school was having a fundraiser. He was dancing with his fellow students having a great time. All he did was wave to us! He was so happy and did not want to leave.

The weekend, however, was horrific! He really needed to be brought to the hospital several times but we held off hoping things would settle down. He did not have school Monday which meant a long and hard 3 day weekend. We decided that if the new medication (actually an old one we have gone back to taking) did not kick in and things didn't get better I would find a place to stay on the weekends and keep him away from everyone. Those plans are still there on the back burner.

The new/old medication, Seroquel, is working. He is not hallucinating any longer. Which means that he is mentally ill. The medication is for treating schizophrenia. He has not been diagnosed with this but instead bi-polar, however, it is very common for children to have their diagnoses change as they age. The bottom line is that the medication is working.

The third week of school went great! I picked him up this past Friday and again, he was not happy about coming home. We have worked hard all week trying to make changes that he would not notice but would make a difference. We locked up all his Transformer toys and decided he would get one back per hour that he was well behaved pending his request for them. So far, he has not asked. We locked up all electronics. We have gentle quiet music playing. The lights are very low, if on at all. And we are not reacting to his behaviors. So far, so good. And THIS IS A MIRACLE as we are snowed in for the weekend!!!!

Joseph, far right in red

He has been out but doesn't like it much. He comes in and sits downstairs singing at the top of his lungs the church music he has learned at school. "Never too young to preach the gospel, never too young to bring Good News....". I think him being at school during the week has given our whole family a chance to heal during the week and to be strong enough to deal with him on the weekend. God has given us a new understanding and love for him. The opportunity to practice patience and true charity are always present.

Blessed are you who take the time to listen to difficult speech,
If I persevere, I can be understood.

Blessed are you who never bid me to "hurry up"
Or take my tasks from me and do them for me.
For I often need time, rather than help.

Blessed are you who stand beside me as I enter new and untried ventures, Myself and You.

Blessed are you who ask for my help.
For my greatest need is to be needed.

Blessed are you who, with a smile encourage me to try once more.

Blessed are you who never remind me
That today I ask the same question twice.

Blessed are you who respect me and love me just as I am.

Author Unknown

First Week

2012-01-24T08:57:00.000-06:00

His first week of school at Villa Marie was a week of learning, change, growth and acceptance. Monday he seemed excited but wanted me to stay until after mass. He was full of so much anxiety and paranoia about everything. He was worried his luggage was too big, worried he had too many clothes, worried that we were late....it was a chore just assuring him that we needed to go inside and all would be fine. When it was class time I could see his fear but the children were so kind. They surrounded him and made him feel so much better. I called at the end of the school day and the sisters said he did great. However, at 7 o'clock they called and said he wanted to talk to me because he was missing me. I talked him into staying but he sounded scared. I told sister to give him his medicine and lets see what happened. They called me back at 8 saying he was on the verge of crying. He got on the phone and then he DID cry and wanted to come home . So off I went on a 45 minute drive one way only to get there and he was sound asleep! I had to really work to get him awake. He came home and went straight to bed.

Tuesday morning he talked non-stop about how awesome it was there. He said he really liked it but missed us which, of course, we understood. I told him that if he stayed Tuesday night I would go get him Wednesday night to come home. He agreed. I called sister that night and they said he did wonderful and had gone off to bed with everyone. I talked to her the next morning and she said he slept all night and did great.

Wednesday he said he did want to come home. Once he got here, however, he said he liked it at school better than here because here was too loud. This was a good sign! He stayed at school Thursday night and when he came home Friday he seemed to not want to leave. When I finally bribed him with a cheeseburger to get into the car because he had an appointment with his therapist, he did so reluctantly. I noticed right away that he seemed to have fallen even further into some kind of mental stress and anxiety. His therapist noticed it too. He started telling her that his pencils were talking to him at THIS school too but he wasn't talking back to them. He said they were aggravating him.

The weekend was long, hard, and frightening. So many bizarre behaviors. Sunday night/Monday morning he woke me at 2 a.m. talking to his Transformers. When I went to check on him he was walking through the house looking for a dictionary. I asked why and he said so that he can learn big words because Optimus Prime uses big words and he doesn't understand them all.

Monday he was anxious to get back to Villa Marie. I dropped him off and headed straight to the doctor's office. Long story short, they put him back on the Seroquel which is used for treating schizophrenia. We are all praying that this helps him. He is living in a strange and scary world that none of us understand. My heart continues to cry for him. My poor little boy.

A Beautiful Mind

2012-01-08T13:54:00.000-06:00

That is what I was told I needed to remember in order to understand what Joseph is seeing. In the movie, A Beautiful Mind, he was able to function without anyone knowing he was seeing things because he knew they were not real so he was able to hide it. So we have to teach Joseph that what he is seeing is not real and he has to ignore it.

Joseph started talking to things that were not there....at least they were not there to the rest of us. We were first told of him having hallucinations over a year ago when he had a neuro-psych evaluation. He was describing talking to a friend named Michael. I pushed it out of my mind and thought it was just a normal imaginary friend. Then I found out another autistic boy in his class had a "pretend" friend and figured we were just dealing with him not being able to tell the difference between his imagination and reality.

But in the beginning of December he started acting bizarre. He was doing things we have never seen before. He was making strange noises in the middle of class, was very withdrawn, would just start talking to something/someone not there, and then....got lost. He went to the restroom at school and when he came out he says he "saw Optimus Prime (a transformer robot). So I followed him. After I followed him for awhile he turned and told me to go back to class now. Then I did not know where I was and was lost." He also started having conversations with his pencils. It was obvious to the teachers that he was not only talking to them but they were talking to him. So, I immediately made appointments with some of his neuro doctors.

My biggest fear is hearing that it is not physical. I know this sounds disturbing but no one can understand unless you have been in these shoes. I want them to find a tumor. That would explain things. That is something I can see on an MRI. That is something that we can fix. And, once again, my biggest fears are before me. He is having hallucinations . Very real hallucinations. There were things we found out he had not shared with us. He is seeing mummies outside and they chase him. They turn into eagles so that they can get to him faster. He sees monsters. He sees robots. They tell him things. His pencils have names and mouths....and actually talk to him in class and bother them . He gets mad at them because they won't stop talking.

He will be put on anti-psychotic medications ASAP. Both doctors agreed that him going to Villa Marie is the best thing for him. Right now we must work hard on stopping his obsessions. He is obsessed with Transformers. I have no idea how to break this. But his obsessions and imaginations influence his hallucinations.

The mind. What a beautiful wonderfully complex mechanism! We could study it a million years and still it will keep some of it's secrets! Thank you for your continued prayers for my family!!!

Ville Mary ~ A New Chapter

2012-01-05T08:49:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Joseph went and spent the day at Ville Mary, a small private school run by the Catholic Church in Lincoln. It was a trial day to see if he liked it and if the sisters thought he would do well going to school there. Most of the children I saw have autism although they do take some with Down Syndrome and other needs. However, they will not accept anyone who is not self reliant and needs a one-on-one para. Everything on paper, medically, physically, and with his diagnosis looked good but they needed to see how a day would go with him. Joseph would be the youngest enrolled at the moment with 2 other boys being 11 years old.

When I went to pick him up he was out in front playing ball with all the children.    He was smiling and seemed to have many friends already. I watched from a distance at first and then got out of the car just to see what his reaction to seeing me would be. He did not wave, did not walk over, did not even stare hard....he just kept playing and smiling.

The sister who is in charge took me inside and showed me Joseph's work and filled me in on his day. They loved him! She said that as the day went on he continued to open and shine. She said the staff had already met and all agreed that Joseph would be a great fit and they would love to have him!!!! She gave me the paperwork and I just went into a moment of panic, joy, sorrow, and thanksgiving all at once. And then Joseph came in and said, "Mom, when are you leaving? What are you here for?" I said, "I'm here to pick you up!" He was upset and said he thought he was staying and that he did not want to leave. That did it for me!

I signed the papers and he starts January 16th! He still did not want to leave! He made friends with a boy named Charlie. He has talked about him since yesterday afternoon and is drawing pictures for him at the moment. Joseph will board at the school Monday through Friday and come home on the weekends. He will be home for holidays and follow the Catholic school calendar so I will have all the children at home at the same time.

What a blessed day! Yesterday was my birthday. It was also the feast day of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton. She established the first Catholic school in our country.   She is the patron saint of Catholic Schools. She is a convert from the Episcopal faith, as am I.   Could I ask for a more appropriate patron saint????

The next week will be hard as we have to leave a very important and special chapter of our lives. His special teachers at Raymond Central are the reason he has made it this far in his education and social skills. Joseph loves superficially but to the best of his ability he really loves these teachers. I, honestly, do not know where I would be without them. I think this will be harder for me than for Joseph. Crystal, you will always be my friend sent to me by God during my darkest hours. You will never be forgotten.

Today we go see two of his doctors as we are having some serious concerns. He is seeing and talking to things that are not there and appears to seriously be having seizures. So as we celebrate the joy of Ville Marie we have to face the possibility that this next chapter has more hidden surprises for us.

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, please continue your prayers for our transition to Ville Marie. Mother of Mercy, thank you for bringing Joseph into your home (Ville Marie means house of Mary). And thank you, Jesus, for sending Joseph into my life.  I have learned more from him than any other soul. He has taught me the true meaning of seeing You in ALL Your creatures! Please continue to help me as his mom to follow Your will in all things! ~Amen!

11 Things I’ve Learned Since Becoming a Special-Needs Parent

2012-01-01T21:14:00.002-06:00

1. Not knowing is a lot harder than knowing. Yes, there is a lot we can do via therapy to help our children walk, talk, learn, etc. But the hardest thing to admit is that most of it is simply up to their brain and its wiring. There are no certain predictors that a special needs child will develop speech, be able to read, be potty-trained, or become self-sufficient . Good signs, yes. But nothing is certain. The not knowing can drive you crazy if you let it.

2. The internet is a blessing and a curse. On one hand, there is valuable information out there. Yet, information overload can get you stuck. You end up reading too many awful things — that often don’t apply to your child at all — and it can deplete your hope and make you paranoid.

3. Connecting to the special-needs community (whether it be acquaintances, support groups, or the internet) can be both a lifesaver and bummer. It is vital to find people who know what you are going through. Yet, sometimes it can produce even more negative feelings. Since there is always someone who has it worse than you, it can make you feel guilty for complaining. And, since there is always someone else who has it much better, you can sometimes forget that, when it comes to parenting, stress and worry are relative. Those people are just as immersed in their concern over their children as you are and, understandably, aren’t grateful simply because it could be worse. It can always be worse.

4. Holidays and special events magnify the situation. Birthday parties are no longer joyful events. Your special needs child is in an unfamiliar setting, one with all kinds of new dangers. You actually have to observe typical children alongside your child, so his delays and social difficulties are painfully obvious. People naturally want to know what to buy your child. And you might not know. He might not play with toys. And you will have to endure the present opening and cake cutting that your child is tuning out in front of everyone present. No matter what is said and done, there is an air of sadness. Ditto for Christmas.

5. Well-intentioned people will silence you and add to your frustration. They don’t mean to, but it is human nature to comfort and soothe. Invariably, they will attempt to do so in awful ways. Some will deny there is a problem and say that everything will be just fine. By denying there is even a problem, they effectively silence you and leave you isolated in your own mind. Some will try to remind you how grateful you should feel. And, while gratitude is a great thing, being reminded that you aren’t just makes you feel worse.

6. Picking your battles will take on a whole new meaning. A lot of folks will look at you like you are crazy for “giving in” to a 24/7 diet consisting of nothing but chicken nuggets and crackers. Even more will judge you for “giving in” to what they view as tantrums and being spoiled. You, however, know that therapy, joint attention activities, and getting to school are the real nonnegotiables.

7. People will surprise you. Causal acquaintances will step up to be better friends than the friends you most believed you could count on. There is nothing like becoming a special needs parent to give one clarity.

8. Doctors and other experts really don’t know everything. Your pediatrician and other persons doing behavioral screening may not see what you are so worried about and may try to convince you nothing is wrong. They may encourage you to wait and see. You will want to believe them and may forget that childhood development really isn’t their speciality.

9. If you aren’t a naturally assertive person, you will have to become one. People ranging from loved ones to Early Steps to the school system will give you a lot of reasons why they can’t meet your child’s needs. Even if it goes against your nature, you will have to fight for him. You will have to insist — which is both harder and easier than you might expect.

10. It’s easy to neglect others when you are caught up with the needs of one child. You can forget the importance of date night with your spouse. You might forget a friend or loved one’s birthday. You might realize that your typically developing children aren’t getting enough attention from you. And you might realize you are not taking care of yourself and are about to fall apart. You will have to figure out a way to stay both connected and together. This is hardest thing to learn and do of all.

11. You will develop an appreciation for the little things. There are moments of interaction and progress that will steal your breath. Hugs and kisses are unbelievably precious. And you will understand why this little soul was given to you. It’s because you are a perfect match for one another. And that is what sustains you through everything else.

http://flappinessis.com/2011/12/20/11-things-ive-learned-since-becoming-a-special-needs-parent/

Autism Can Be an Advantage Says Researcher

2011-11-03T08:00:00.001-05:00

People with autism have advantages, in some ways, over people without the condition, and scientists need to stop viewing the traits of autism as flaws that need to be corrected, one autism researcher argues.

By seeing autism's differences as defects, researchers may fail to fully understand the condition, said Dr. Laurent Mottron, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Montreal. "Recent data and my own personal experience suggest it's time to start thinking of autism as an advantage in some spheres, not a cross to bear," Mottron wrote in a commentary published today (Nov. 2) in the journal Nature.

For instance, when researchers see activation in regions of autistic people's brains that differ from others' brains, they report these differences as deficits, "rather than evidence simply of their alternative, yet sometimes successful, brain organization," Mottron said. By emphasizing the strengths of people with autism, deciphering how people with autism learn and avoiding language that frames autism as a defect, researchers can shape the discussion of autism in society, Mottron said.

Autism's advantages

Mottron said he does not want to minimize the challenges of autism. "One out of 10 autistics cannot speak, nine out of 10 have no regular job and four out of five autistic adults are still dependent on their parents," Mottron said.

But people with autism can make significant contributions to society in the right environment, he said.

The research setting is one of those environments. Several people with autism work in Mottron's lab, and one researcher in particular, Michelle Dawson, has made major contributions to the lab's understanding of the condition through her work and insight.

People with autism often have exceptional memories, and can remember information they read weeks ago. They are also less likely to misremember something, which comes in handy in a science lab. Dawson can instantly recall the methods used to study face-perception in autism, Mottron said.

Recent research has shown people with autism often outperform others in auditory and visual tasks, and also do better on non-verbal tests of intelligence. In one study by Mottron, on a test that involved completing a visual pattern, people with autism finished 40 percent faster than those without the condition.

In fact, intellectual disability may be over-estimated among people with autism, because researchers use inappropriate tests, Mottron said. "In measuring the intelligence of a person with a hearing impairment, we wouldn't hesitate to eliminate components of the test that can’t be explained using sign language; why shouldn’t we do the same for autistics?" Mottron said.

"I no longer believe that intellectual disability is intrinsic to autism," Mottron said. "To estimate the true rate, scientists should use only those tests that require no verbal explanation."

Still a disorder

Rajesh Kana, an assistant professor in the department of psychology at the University of Alabama at Birmingham, agreed that researchers shouldn't solely focus on the deficits of autism. However, autism should still be thought of as a disorder, and not merely a difference, Kana said.

People with severe autism have problems functioning in their day-to-day lives, and even people with less severe autism can fall victim to deception, because of their limited abilityto understand when someone is lying. Proper interventions can improve the lives of these people. "A comprehensive account of autism should take into consideration the strengths and weaknesses" of the condition, Kana said.

While it may have been true in the past that researchers concentrated mainly on deficits in autism, the field is now taking a broader and deeper view of the disorder. Understanding autism's strengths is important for providing support for those with the condition, Kana said. For instance, if a child has minimal verbal ability, then you probablywant to find a visual routeto help him. "Your intervention should target the deficits, but work with the strengths," Kana said.

Pass it on: Autistic traits can allow these individuals to excel in certain areas, and should not always be viewed as problems.

Husker Joe

2011-11-01T05:16:00.000-05:00

Sunday night we attended Husker Heroes, an event for special needs children and their families hosted by the Husker athletes. It was amazing! Well, I should say it was amazing to all the siblings and dad and myself but Joseph went into shut down mode. I guess he was overwhelmed and overstimulated by it all. We did not tell him about it until Saturday evening in order for him to not stress over it for weeks but told him 24 hours ahead of time to prepare him as he does not like surprises.

Getting pointers from a baseball player

Don't they looked thrilled!!!!

Girls volleyball team

Throwing the ball with a player....not sure who it is.

Yep....basketball player. How did you know??????

We talked to several young men from Louisiana, Alabama, and Texas. We talked about the "big game" Saturday. It was a wonderful evening that I truly hope to get to do again! Next time we will do it differently and take footballs, baseballs, etc. to get signed by the teams. It was also amazing to walk among the National Championship banners of a legendary team! Go Big Red!!!!!!

Get In Line

2011-10-23T20:01:00.001-05:00

I had to copy and share the article below. It is how I feel now. My main complaint, if I have a right to complain, is that I am so tired. Last week I slept one day until 12:30 in the afternoon. I caught up and felt great for a day or two and now....we are back to the 2 a.m. sit-athons. Last night, or this morning depending on how you look at it, he woke me up to tell me that he wants it to be morning. Sleep....blessed, sweet and glorious sleep. I never thought I would appreciate it so much!!!!

He has also been back to his aggressive self, full of anxiety and demands. He is doing great in school so I have to look to these small consolations and thank God for the steps we have made regardless of how small. Our next big adventure is on the 30th. We get to go spend the evening with the Husker athletes. ALL OF THEM! He does not know yet as he would drive me crazy about it. I can't wait to see his excitement! I also can't wait to hear him tell Bo Pellini how much he LOVES the LSU Tigers!!!!

Now, being that I have no other words tonight I share with you how us autism moms REALLY feel. I do not know who to credit with this but I did clean it up a little. If anyone knows who wrote it please let me know so they can give the proper credit!

Learn to fear us, because autism moms are not to be trifled with.

Top Five Reasons You Should Never Piss Off an Autism Mom

Five. We’re Already on the Defensive

What? You think you’re the first person to think I’m a bad mother? Get in line. People have been assuming I’m a bad mother for the last five years. I chew up people who think I’m a bad parent for breakfast. You think there’s something wrong with my kid? No sh**, Sherlock – this panel of physicians and psychologists agrees with you. Tell us something we don’t know. Have something new and clever to add? No? NO? I didn’t think so…

In other words, we have experience with people like you.

Four. We Are Not Socially Well-Adjusted

We were real people once, and we will be real people again someday, but right now we’re living on the fringe of polite society. We have cut ties and discarded the family and friends who couldn’t handle our situation. We all suffer from severe PTSD. Our houses are messy, our surfaces are sticky, and we know the words to way too many Wiggles songs. We clean up disasters that you couldn’t even begin to contemplate. We live in semi-isolation, trying to have philosophical conversations with children who only know 18 words. We wear yoga pants all day. Our lives are not like other people’s lives. Do you really want to make us angry? Or do you want to give us a really really wide berth and back away slowly because you’re scared of what we might do if we snap? Yes. Good choice.

Three. We Know How to Fight

Autism moms know how to fight because we practice. We fight all day long. We fight with doctors about treatment, and then we fight with insurance companies to get it paid for. We fight with the state over services and we fight with schools about our IEPs. We fight with our families who won’t come to visit us anymore and we fight with our husbands to let off steam from all the other fighting we’re constantly doing. We fight with our children to make them keep their pants on in public. Do you think for a second that we would hesitate to fight with a complete stranger who was totally asking for it?

Two. We’re Already Angry

Autism moms carry huge amounts of unprocessed rage just below the surface. We’re mad at God or the universe or fate or whatever it is out there that gave our children autism. We are furious at the cards we were dealt and indignant that such a horrible thing had to happen to our children. We are angry about the loss of the child we were supposed to have, and we never truly stop mourning. We’re angry at the doctors who didn’t catch it early enough and also at the doctors who did. We hold a grudge against anybody who ever failed us as we tried to make sense of this chaos, and we’re also furious at ourselves, because we constantly feel like we’re not doing enough to help and we’re secretly afraid that it might somehow be our fault in the first place. We are already walking bundles of resentment…do you want to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

One. We’re Sleep Deprived

Some of us haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years. Between the stress, depression, anxiety, and the kid who wakes up screaming for popsicles at 3 a.m., we’re all beyond exhausted. We’re muddled and short-tempered and irrational and crazy. Like ax murderer crazy. Like Mel Gibson crazy. There are all sorts of studies linking sleep deprivation to psychosis and that would probably hold up in court if I decided to assault you. Keep that in mind the next time you fail to keep your opinions to yourself, and beware the autism mom.

A Walk For Joseph

2011-10-09T21:00:00.002-05:00

Today was one of those days that I will always remember. One of those days that marks the beginning of something new. One of those days that defines what life is about and what family and friends truly mean. First a few thanks. I want to personally thank each and every person that came out to walk with us today. Bishop Neumann TORCH group and St. John Bosco Youth Group, you were awesome! The future of these children will be in your hands. Your love and support mean more than you can imagine! Mike, you led the team and held the sign....and I owe you a meal! Rachel, you are always there. What a true friend!!!! Thanks! Eleni, I could not have survived the day without your watching over the kids and entertaining them. You were GREAT! And most importantly, my family. All my children were there to support one of their own. You kids are the greatest! I felt the strength in our family and your devotion to your little brother. I know that one day he will be in good hands. I love you all so much!!!!!

Jeffrey took the juggling pins from the clown and started his own show.

And also to our generous family and friends that donated to our team, you give us hope that we will find an answer. Thank you! You put our team in the Grand Club earning $1,400.00 by the end of today. Your generosity has moved me to tears on several occasions during the fundraising. You have restored in me a belief that there is still kindness in this world. Please be assured of our prayers.

The Matrix meets Star Wars! Go St. John Bosco youth group! We love ya'll!!!

Joseph, the force is with you!

This was one of the biggest mascots. Everyone wanted their picture with the Stormtroppers.

Some of us should have just stayed out of the pictures! Oh, well....I had fun!

The weather held out and it was a very nice day. I don't know how many turned out but there were many. One of the most amazing things to witness were the number of young people out there raising money, working stands, serving food, and playing with these kids.

Playing baseball with the Husker baseball and softball teams.

Getting points from one of the coaches.

I, along with two other ladies, got recognized for being in the Grand Club. That was for individually raising over $1,000 in donations! This is, again, thanks to all of you for answering my constant pleas! And then Mattie sang her song that she wrote for Joseph. It was beautiful! It has been posted on youtube by one of her friends. It was recorded on a cell phone so it's not the greatest sound, however, she was offered a recording session! So we will get it recorded and offer it at different autism venues. Here is the youtube clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ88a1rRpJY

My awesome, sweet, beautiful and talented daughter!!!

Leading Team Camo Angel is the Camo Angel himself!

No words can say enough about the Bishop Neumann TORCH group!

You are some amazing kids!!!!!!

I feel such a comfort tonight as I watch Joseph in sensory overload. I am wondering how many parents there today with our special children are going through the same thing. Just knowing that we are not alone is HUGE! I feel such a strong friendship with all these parents! It has been an incredible journey. I look forward to next year.

That said, I will end with the words of my daughter's song, "Mommy and daddy could never make you see what you mean to them, what you mean to me." We love you, Joseph!!!! And we loved the sign you made...."Autism Rocks!" You rock, buddy! You are a great kid with lots and lots of friends who love you so much. You are a blessing to all of us!

T.O.R.C.H.

2011-10-06T11:07:00.000-05:00

In order to understand what an amazing group of kids we spoke to last night I want to inform you what TORCH stands for. It is Turning toward Others and Reaching out with Christian Help. My high school junior has been a member of this group for the past few years. They are known for their outstanding work with the Pro-Life movement.

The guest speaker was Jessica, an 18 year old student at Villa Marie, the special education school that the Marian sisters run. Jessica has autism and gives a power point talk on what it is like to have this disability. She was amazing!

Joseph, however, did what I thought he would do but surprised me at the same time. By the time we got to the school he was very negative, demanding, loud and grumpy. I knew he was simply overwhelmed with the unknown. His main mission as soon as we arrived was eating. He demanded to eat or he was leaving. Sister hurried things along and Joseph was first in line. He ate a lot and quickly. I should have seen this as part of his sensory overload but did not catch it in time as I was working on my speech. Soon he was sick with a tummy ache and decided he would just go to sleep. And he did! Knocked out cold!

Then Sister called his name and asked if he had anything to say. To my shock and amazement he said yes! He walked to the front, smiled for what seemed an eternity, waved to everyone and said "hi, my name is Joseph!" That was it! That was his big moment!!!!!!

Talking to the group with, of course, no eye contact.

My heart, of course, exploded with pride and joy! Sister guided him along from that moment on with the help of Joe's big sister, Mattie. She asked him how old he was on this night and he held up 10 fingers. She asked him if he liked sports and he nodded his head. I thought that was it and he would not talk again. But then she asked THE question! "Joseph, what is your favorite movie?" And he said, "TRANSFORMERS!" with a huge grin. And one of the boys hollered "oh yea!" When Sister asked if there were any questions for Joseph hands went up. One boy asked what sports he liked he said football. Another one asked where he went to school.

A proud and loving sister....

Mattie was beside him the whole time.

And then.....they rolled out a cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to him and presented him with $10 to buy a Transformer toy!

His reaction to singing Happy Birthday to him!

Mattie sang her song "Camouflage Angel" that she wrote for Joseph and will be singing this Sunday at the walk. There were many tears in the room. After we all prayed together (and several of the prayers were regarding autistic children, their families and teachers, and for our family and Joseph) we prepared to leave. I looked over and Joseph was surrounded my boys looking at his Transformer toys he had brought with him. I'm sharing this story for two reasons.

First to show how far Joseph has come. There was a day when he would talk to no one! I could not even get him to be a sheep in the background of a Christmas play at church. And here he was running to the front of this big group and saying hello! Praise be to God!

Secondly, to praise an amazing group of young people that treated both Jessica and Joseph with respect. How many high school kids do you find sitting in a school cafeteria listening to two autistic children talk about their world and then praying for and supporting them? These kids are amazing! They will be dressing in camo on Sunday and taking a bus down to the walk and walking in honor of our Joseph. However, all those dealing with autism.....adults, children, families, teachers, schools.....have been assured of prayers from this outstanding group of youth! Thank you Bishop Neumann High School TORCH group. I am so proud to be a parent supporter! God bless you all!!!

Happy Birthday!

2011-10-05T10:15:00.001-05:00

I can't believe he is 10 years old today! What a decade it has been!!!! There are enough stories to write a mini-series on his short life. I always find myself reflecting back on their birth on their birthdays! I hesitate in doing so with Joseph. Do I still have some hidden guilt on the way I handled his early birth and my bad health? Do I still wish things had turned out different? Or do I just wish I had known then how it would be today? I don't know the answer but I find it hard nonetheless.

We celebrated his birthday a day early as I am giving a talk tonight regarding the walk this weekend. He was invited by the T.O.R.C.H. group at Bishop Neumann to come with me so the kids could meet the little guy they are going to sponsor this weekend. I heard from a little bird that attends school there (ahem....wonder who that is???) that they were giving him a surprise birthday party. So we did our family thing last night with all the siblings. He is big....REALLY BIG....into Transformers. So that is what we focused on. The big hit was a Wii game that Jeffrey gave him!

Birthday boy and oldest sister, Amy

With his shirt sister Mary Clare made him.

His reaction to the Transformer that mom and dad gave him.

I love seeing that smile!!!!!

So tonight he will go hang out with all the high school kids who dote over him. He will be a super star. He says he wants to "give a talk about autism". I asked him what he would say. He told me that he wanted to tell them what it was like to have autism. There will be a senior girl from Villa Marie who has autism and she will give a speech on the same topic. But we will see if he actually has the nerve to do it. Usually he shuts down in these forums.

And so....

Happy Birthday, my little boy! It has been a lesson in life that God knew I needed. You have taught me patience and unconditional love. You have taught me how important the message of life truly is, no matter the handicap, and that it goes far beyond the life of the child in the womb. You have taught me that there is goodness in all of God's creatures. You have taught me that I can go on very little sleep and just how much I truly NEED that sleep! You have taught me to cry, to laugh, to sing, to pray and to live. You have taught me detachment to material things as you have absolutely NO attachment to them! You have taught me that a mother's love is the strongest emotion on earth. I love you......"to the moon and back again.....around the earth and back again....I love you more!!!!"

One Week - The Final Countdown

2011-10-02T18:29:00.000-05:00

We are down to the final week before the big Autism Speaks walk! It has been an amazing few weeks. I can not believe the donations, prayers and words of encouragement! Team Camo Angel is now in 3rd place in the whole state of Nebraska! I am in 2nd place as a top individual. This is amazing for our first year.

But, as you guessed, I still need your help. We are not finished. If you have not made a donation and was planning to do so then now is the time. We will be walking Sunday afternoon. And if you have donated, is there not one person you know that would help? You can forward this email with the blue link below.

http://blba.us/i.asp?id=474951-332910406-1

Again, thank you so much for all you have done! It has been an exciting thing to watch as we moved up in donations! I still say I have the greatest family and friends in the world!!! God bless!

Vinegar and No Honey

2011-09-28T17:18:00.000-05:00

PRESS RELEASEFor Immediate Release:
September 27, 2011

Contact:Lori McIlwain (Cary, NC) 919-741-1646
Leslie Phillips (Katy, TX) 281-578-2793

National Autism Association (NAA) Says Vinegar-Soaked Cotton Balls in Disabled Students’ Mouths Underscores Need for ‘Aversives’ Ban

Katy, TX – Monday night, in an effort to demonstrate inhumane practices known as “aversives” happening in special-ed classrooms across the county, school district officials in Texas were asked to insert vinegar-soaked cotton balls into their mouths. The request came from advocate and NAA board member Leslie Phillips following multiple reports from local parents who say their children attending Exley Elementary school in Katy were force-fed cotton balls soaked with vinegar as a form of discipline. “There were no takers to the request,” said Phillips.

According to parents, Exley students, some of whom are nonverbal, were sometimes forced to get on a classroom treadmill, ostensibly there for exercise breaks and forced to go faster or longer than they wanted. In addition, cotton balls saturated with vinegar were placed into their mouths to control behavior. Parents say they were told certain “procedures” had been used on their children without their knowledge or consent, and the district would address the issue. Exley Elementary School Principal Imelda Medrano used only vague references, saying, “a treadmill was used” and “vinegar was introduced.”

“Parents Carol and Bill Rutar said they were dumbfounded to learn these strategies were not illegal. "If I were to attempt to force an adult to do something like this, I would be arrested and charged with assault and battery. Further, if this happened to a student in a general education setting, there would be public outrage. It’s precisely the type of bullying behavior between students that is the focus of national attention and expressly prohibited," said Carol Rutar.

Parents still await information from the investigation, conducted by the district’s own police department who has confirmed the matter has been handed over to the District Attorney.

Aversive interventions tantamount to child abuse are being used in many schools across the country. “Withholding food and water, lemon spray to the eyes, force feeding, sensory exploitation, shaving cream to the mouth, peppers to the mouth – these are just some of the assaults that have been used on schoolchildren as a failed means to control behavior,” said Lori McIlwain, Executive Director of NAA. “Positive behavioral interventions have been proven successful, there is no excuse for aversives in our schools.”

Phillips, who spoke with a Texas Education Agency official about the case, was told that while Texas is one of few states that regulates seclusion and restraint in public schools, “. . there is no law that says aversive interventions are or are not legal in Texas.”

The advocate hopes school principals nationwide will take positive action. “My message to principals is this: if aversive interventions are happening in your schools, you should act to stop it. Positive support training is needed, and law or no law, aversives are abusive and dehumanizing. They should be banned in your school.”

For more information, please visit www.nationalautism.org and www.autismsafety.org.

Eye Issues Again

2011-09-21T08:17:00.000-05:00

Not sure what is going on but he is having double vision again. I mentioned that he was complaining about it at church Sunday. Well, yesterday the school called me and said he was running into desks and rubbing it constantly. When they asked him about it he said it was blurry and he was seeing "two of everything". I went up to the school to monitor him and he seemed upset over the whole thing. He was worried about tripping or running into something. He wanted to come home but I thought it best he stay and see if he was not just wanting to get out of school. I could see a worried panic look in his eyes as I left.

He came home still very stressed about it and saying he could not see. Then he starts asking for glasses. We bought him some reading glasses the last time we went through this and it made him happy. They did not fail me this time either. He swears he sees better. He left this morning (picture above) wearing them to school. So....what is it?

The last time we blamed it on medication. However, he is on different medication this time. Could it still be the medications although a different one? Or could it be allergies? They are really bad right now and he does have a runny nose and cough. Or could he be exaggerating the situation? I have to remind myself that it is the little things that drive him nuts while the major aches, pains and discomforts do not bother him until his body is shutting down. So.....what is it???????

He also is in a completely different frame of mind. He is very calm and quiet. He went to his room by himself last night and started writing a book about a super hero with autism. It was only 3 sentences but he was putting the effort out. I'm so perplexed this morning. Any ideas on the eyes would be greatly appreciated!

I Reached My Goal

2011-09-19T23:14:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I finally reached my goal....in one day! I finally got over $150 of donations to Team Camo Angel for the Autism Speaks Walk. Thank you SO much for the support. We are now in 11th place as a team. If you have not done so yet please consider making a donation to our team in honor of Joseph. This goes to an awesome cause!!!!! Just go to our donation page:

http://blba.us/i.asp?id=474951-332910406-1

The walk is October 9th so time is running out! Thanks for all your help, prayers and support!

Raising Cane

2011-09-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

Okay. This is a two meaning title. First of all, on Thursday we had the Autism Speaks fundraiser at Raising Cane's in Lincoln. We took Joseph for dinner and were met by more family and a few friends. It looked like a great turnout. Hopefully, at least one person out there learned something more about the mystery of autism.

The ride to Lincoln was during traffic hour and it was raining, cold and nasty outside. He was really bothered by the whole thing and just sat in the backseat rocking and talking to himself then screaming to me (in a loud overpowering voice) asking when we would be there because he was "starving to death". The restaurant is located on a very busy intersection and when he got out of the car he panics. He covered his ears, froze, looked terrified and wanted to get back in the car. My fear was that he would run. As I am trying to figure out what is wrong and thinking, of course, that it was the traffic, he screams that it is the "stupid music! Why do they have to have that stupid music blaring like that! Make them turn it off!!!!" The music was a single speaker OUTSIDE the restaurant with some music playing at a volume that could barely be heard above the traffic. But THAT is what set him off. Does anyone wonder WHY the puzzle piece is used as the universal autism symbol?

And secondly, I intend to write about how the weekend was FULL of raising cane. I just wish it could have been in the form of more yummy chicken dinners and not stress. I got my granddaughter Friday afternoon for the weekend. In hindsight, that was not such a good idea after the past week we had with Joseph. I think I should have waited for the medications to really start working and for him to get stabilized. Everything was okay Friday evening as Joseph was actually sleepy and very calm. But Saturday both grand baby and Joseph were not very happy. The baby was very whinny and seemed to not be feeling well. The crying baby totally set off Joseph. He became louder, aggressive and kept screaming to make her shut up!!!! The louder he got the more she cried. It was total chaos. Thank God for a husband that was on top of things and took the two boys to work with him for most of the day. I was able to get the baby settled down and some housework done.

Sunday was rainy again. This is never a good thing with Joseph as it keeps him locked indoors and his energy MUST be released. He made me very nervous at church. He looked scared and pale. He was saying that his eye was blurry and he was seeing two of everything. I figured a migraine was coming on and watched him closely. But after mass he played outside with the other children, ate well, and seemed to be doing fine. The weather cleared and he played outside when we got home. I gave him his sleep medicine on time however he was not asleep by bedtime and I was concerned.

He feel asleep around 9:30 but was up at 11:45 and was up the rest of the night. The whole night! Moving around, eating, watching TV, playing video games and talking to me! LUCKY ME! I feel like a truck me this morning but he just bounced off to school happy and alert.

Awww.....sleeping like a baby....as a baby. This may be close to what

he looks like today at school!!!!

As to me, I guess I will just remember this quote:

"I'll sleep when I'm dead." ~Warren Zevon

Rattlesnake In A Pickle Jar

2011-09-13T23:24:00.000-05:00

After a long day....a very long day....we saw his doctor this evening. I went in so exhausted but still angry enough to demand something be done. I left feeling satisfied and found a little peace. Satisfied because the doctor saw Joseph in ALL his ADHD glory!!!! He broke a clock and was attempting to break the scales in his doctor's office. He attempted to turn off the lights. He talked none stop about things that didn't make sense. When I told him the doctor could not see in the dark he asked, "How do you know he doesn't have night vision, huh?" I said because he is not a robot. He asked "how do you know?" This went on for 30 minutes straight.

And then I felt peace because I said what I had to say and demanded solutions. I told HIM how it was going to be. I told him that I would bring Joseph to the hospital and leave him there while he is monitored and the meds adjusted until something works. I told him I was seeking RTC and that this would be the best thing for him. He did NOT disagree. He listened....and that means a lot!!!

He put him on Tenex which I asked for and Munroe Meyer had suggested. He added Ambilify with his evening medication. And also put him on Ritalin...a small dose....that may help the Tenex even more. And then......................as always........insurance! They would not cover the Ritalin until they got a doctor's pre-authorization. As I am telling David about this Joseph says from the backseat, "Well, that makes about as much since as a rattlesnake in a pickle jar!" Sometimes that boy is SO smart and profound it just scares me!!!! I agree, Joseph.....I agree!!!! So we will see what happens with that.

So we got some medications to try, a school to look into, and a plan for the future. And now I am tuckered out! He is fast asleep and I have to grab every moment that I can. I just wanted to update all of you. Thank you for all the prayers, the emails, the masses and the rosaries offered for our family. I can not believe how strong I feel tonight. I know that it is your prayers holding me up!!! God bless!!

Tuckered out....Joseph at the air show. This is how he deals with stress in public.

Over 90 degree day so the cement is hot. But he was done!

Still No Answers

2011-09-13T14:43:00.000-05:00

I did not notify anyone of the last post. I was too distraught and maybe a little ashamed that I posted it. I'm still stressed beyond my human limits but felt that I needed to offer an explanation to those of you who have been praying like crazy for me. And I know you have been praying...I have felt it. Our saga is not over. At this point not too much has changed. I will tell you what I know so far and share with you my only morsel of good news.

This past month or two has been so hard. He started falling apart after we were forced to move in a very stressful and scary situation back in June. I thought coming back to this house would make him more at ease but I was wrong. So yesterday after having a very hard weekend and functioning (or not) on very little sleep I had decided to make him a ward of the state so that I could get him into residential treatment. This was a very gut wrenching decision to make but I fear for the other children and I'm left with little choice. No one will help us any other way.

I got on email and the phone Monday morning begging for help and searching for answers. I want him out of my house as soon as possible. That was my only thought and mission. My family can not handle the stress much longer. I turned to a friend of mine all the way in Oregon who also has an autistic son. I have to keep reminding myself that every case of autism is different and that some are worse and some not as bad. Joseph's is "complex" and "unique". That's just what every mother wants to see on report after report.

I have followed all the directions and rules in getting him the help he needs. I was told to seek this therapy and that therapy. To explore all avenues first. We had in-home therapy. We had cognitive behavioral therapy. We had occupational therapy....speech therapy....physical therapy. We have tried medications for sleep, ADHD, bi-polar and anxiety. I have done tons of sensory therapies and changed our family life and our home to accommodate Joseph. Nothing heroic here...any mother would do this. However, at some point, you want to see a pay-off. There has been none. We are at square one....right where we were 3 years ago. Forget the fact that I have 2 doctors that have recommended residential treatment. That, apparently, is not enough. Because once you follow all the rules of Nebraska you THEN have to follow a totally different guideline per Nebraska insurance!

I did find out one helpful piece of information. I was told that if we bring him back to CAPS I do not have to go get him until I feel he is not a danger to himself or my family. I know our insurance allows for a 30 day stay. They always send him home after 3 days. It won't happen next time. And if I refuse to go get him then the hospital will order him to a residential center. This is my understanding. I could be wrong. It would not surprise me.

After a horrific day of mommy meltdowns and tears and hoping for a day of recovery in a quiet home, the school called first thing this morning to tell me that Joseph was vomiting and I had to go get him and bring him home. I figure it is too soon for another migraine so it is either a) motion sickness from the bus or b) he is doing it on purpose to come home. Doesn't matter. I had to go get him. And he is NOT sick! He is now bouncing off the walls, demanding food, watching loud cartoons....having a great time. If I get another letter from the truancy office this year I will be giving them a piece of my mind loaded with pent up angry energy. BEWARE MR. TRUANT OFFICER!

Tonight we meet with his doctor and I will demand a set of medications that work. And if they don't within a few days I will be back up there again....and again....and again. They can put up with a very loud and angry mother day after day or they can hospitalize him, monitor him and get the medications right once and for all! And so our life continues to spiral out of control, our property damaged, our children threatened, our house in chaos and in the hands of a very stressed out, tired, and angry mom. So for those that have been praying, please continue to pray. This is not nearly over.

Exhausted

2011-09-11T20:24:00.000-05:00

This is an understatement. I honestly do not remember the last time I felt this way. My bones ache. My eyes just want to close. I hurt for sleep. I don't even have the energy to smile. I can hear the kind well intentioned words: "God will not give you more than you can handle." or "This too shall pass." or "Tomorrow is another day." I appreciate it but this does not give me the sleep my body is screaming for or the rest my bones seek.

This week has been one of the hardest we have had in the past year. We should have taken him to the hospital (CAPS) several times this past week but I keep hoping and praying it will get better. Things are so out of control. After years of therapy I feel we have gotten nowhere! I have to start looking for a solution to the future. I am trying to find a residential treatment center. And do not judge me. If anyone reading this post wants to walk a day in my shoes, come on. I won't deny you the honor.

The aggressiveness toward the other children is at an all time high. The verbal assaults toward me are totally out of control. Personal property is getting destroyed or damaged. The younger children are being encouraged to disobey and holler back with extreme disrespect. I feel like my family is under attack. I feel trapped.

The verbal assaults are getting graphic and violent and it scandalizes the other children. I was called a demon from hell and he screamed that he can't wait for me to die and go to hell. This was over the fact that we had to run down the road to pick up the other children from their bus stop. Or he says he is going to murder me or hopes someone else does. He threatens to kill siblings with a knife. He is sleeping less even with large amounts of sleep medications. His anxiety and stress levels are incredible. I can't imagine the fear he deals with 24/7.

Please someone help me. Please....there has to be answers and help somewhere out there. Please.