CampusRiot

Guide to Fake IDs

2011-09-06T15:20:00.001-04:00

Holy shit, this school is fucking awesome. There are parties all the time and the beer flows like water. I’ll never be sick of this shit…

Welcome to freshman year. It’s a good time, one of the best times you’ll have in the much too short life vacation that is college. But at some point you realize that feeling up frat hoes while you drink the dregs of a keg of natty light isn’t all that college has to offer (Or getting felt up by frat boys for all our female readers…and taking jello shots instead of drinking natty, we know how you do baby). So you want to explore the 21 and up night life, you want to hit the bars, you want someone else to line up the shots celebrating your boys’ completion of the Escobar challenge*.

That right, you want a Fake ID.

Fake IDs are a must for any underage college student who wants to celebrate their liberation from the sober reality of home life. Don’t worry; this guide will help you use your new identity to its fullest potential. Like a hard dick at a pussy convention, you’ll be getting in everywhere.

1. Getting the ID

Unless you meet a guy on the street with a giant cardboard cutout that reads Nick Papageorgio, you’re probably going to need to find an older friend or family member to pass down their ID. Sure, there’s sites you can go to that will sell you an ID but they aren’t usually very reliable. One thing you need as a drunk 18 year old out on the town is reliability.

This guy read my guide...

The best way to get an ID is to have one handed down to you by a sibling or cousin. Not only will they probably look like you, but they better be giving it for free. That’s really the job of the older generation, to take care of their younger family members. You don’t want your little brother to go off into the college world cold and alone because he can’t get into those nice warm bars do you?

So you’ve got it, done deal right? Guide over peace out bitches.

Don’t be so ignorant. You can see there’s more writing. You know I’m still talking why would you think it’s over? I mean come on it’s a Guide to Fake IDs. Would I really make a guide with only one step? Get your head out of your ass and keep reading.

2. Using the ID

This is where things get tricky. I’ve seen many a fine drinker turned away with their piss poor attempt at a license. You have to act the part. You don’t just have Gladys Munchin’s ID, you ARE Gladys Munchin, and you have a really lame name.

You have to know how to sell it. One of my friends got denied time after time because he couldn’t sell Casey Anthony a garbage disposal. Before the bouncer even had a chance to reject him he’d be coming up with excuses. “Oh I just got my hair cut.” Gladys Munchin doesn’t worry about her hair, why should you?

You also have to be careful not to use your ID at places other than the bar. The hair cut kid got caught shortly after that story because he tried to use the ID to get signed into an underage dorm, while holding an open container. When he finally got the hang of using his fake and actually got into a bar, he was quickly kicked out for bragging about it…in front of a bartender.

I myself accidently gave my fake to a cop. Whoops. The difficulty with using a fake ID properly is that it is associated with drinking. And drinking is associated with doing stupid shit.

So good luck all you youngins. I hope to see you at the bars soon. Unless you’re under 18 then stay away I don’t need another [Content deleted pending the results of an ongoing case].

*The Escobar Challenge involves punching someone in the face, throwing up, and getting laid all in one night. Leave a comment if you'd like to stake a claim to this title as no one has currently completed it. Not even Escobar.
**No Gladys Munchins were hurt in the writing of this post. Unless any exist, they might not have felt too good about some things that were said.

Why NOT to Buy a Girl a Drink

2011-09-04T11:26:00.005-04:00

This seems like such a weird concept. You might be asking yourself, how do I get into her pants if I don’t buy her a drink first? Before I go further I would like to extend an apology to our female readers, mainly because everything will be true.

I want you to put your drink down, clear your head, and think for a minute. How many times have you fucked a girl that you approached at the bar, and she asked you to buy her a drink? It’s funny how when you think about it that number always seems to be zero.

I’m not saying when at a classy place you shouldn’t have a drink sent to a girl to break the ice before the approach. That’s an acceptable way to test the waters, because no one likes cold water. But this is college and those places are a bit past our grasp just now. Going down to your favorite dive bar in rape alley isn’t exactly going to the lounge at the Four Seasons.

Guys need to remember that it’s ladies choice out there. It’s a girl’s choice if she wants to fuck around, and it’s a man’s duty to get chosen as often as he can. Women also know that it’s a pretty good deal for them if they rent out their ass for some grinding if they can solicit a drink in the process. That’s why when approaching a girl it’s important to pick those that already have their own drink. Most girls go out in packs with the intention of cock blocking one another and getting drunk. Best way to do this is to get guys to buy them drinks and leave them blue balled at the bar.

The best defense against this is to instinctively know that if a girl ever asks to be bought a drink, it’s time for you to move on. Most girls will say, “Sure I’ll dance with you, just buy me a drink first.” She’s going to milk you for anything she can get; hopefully right down her throat. It’s funny that both of you have the exact same idea yet not in the same way and only one is getting satisfied.

This situation works no differently if you ask a lady if you can buy her a drink. Then she’s definitely going to take advantage or be insulted but accept anyway because it’s free for her. Be a gentleman and ask her about herself. Girls love to talk about themselves and don’t give a shit about how much you can bench press. Neither do your friends, shocking, I know. If you enjoy being stuck with the bill and not even a blow job to show for it then by all means disregard this.

You and your boy approach a group of girls for example, ask for a dance. The reply comes back, “ok but buy me a drink it’s my birthday.” Put on the brakes right there. It’s not her birthday and it’s not worth a dance. If you’re feeling lucky you or your pal might flat out tell them, “yeah but if I buy you drink I’m going to want more than a dance.” If it works then great, but you’re probably going to hear, “buy us all a round and we’ll see.” Turn around and walk away because you’re not going to see anything but a $100 receipt for Smoke Slides staring you in the face as you wake up hung over, alone, and laying in your own puke.

Your Bar Can SMD (Scan My iDentification)

2011-08-27T20:10:00.002-04:00

I’m not what you might call a “worldly” person. In general I don’t give a shit what’s going on in the news, who is killing who, or what new political agenda is passing because really none of it affects my life. Any news that I actually need to know about will be a major alert that streams down the bottom of the TV screen while I’m jerking it to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Hurricane hitting the east coast? Stock up on booze we’ve got a long weekend ahead of us.

But I did happen to be reading the newspaper the other day and I came across an article that will definitely affect my life. In fact, it spells doom for all enthusiastic drinkers. New scanner technology is letting bars share information about us when they check our IDs. So every time your ID gets scanned, they get whatever information any other bar has shared about you. Whether you get into fights, how well you tip, how many fat girls you go home with. They can then use that information to decide whether or not they want to let you in, regardless of whether you’ve ever set foot in their bar before. Get kicked out of a bar for shoving an off-duty cop: get denied at the bar down the road. Fucking. Bullshit.

While most of the privacy law nutjobs commented on this news because it violates our rights to privacy as citizens of this country, college kids know the real threat. It violates our right to get fucked up and break shit. As human beings on planet earth.

Short are the days that we’ll be able to take advantage of bouncers unencumbered by long reaching memories. I mean, I’ve gone to a bar, stolen drinks off tables, knocked over those tables while drinks were still on them, started multiple fights, convinced the bouncers to kick out the other people in the fight, and got sent to the hospital for alcohol intoxication. You know what I did the next night? Went back to that EXACT SAME BAR. I’ve even told a bouncer I sneak in my own booze and never buy drinks at his bar, while taking my shirt off, and he let me in the very next weekend.

I mean damn, how many times do you have to get arrested at a place before someone says shit, we probably shouldn’t let this guy in. Well thanks to the fine people at Scanners That Make Bars No Fun R Us, it only takes one time.

It won’t just be us proud 21 year old patrons who suffer either. Think of the children Scanners R us, think of the children. How likely will people be to lend their IDs to a fresh faced 18-year-old knowing that any minor scuffles could get them blacklisted from Hooters for life.

But don’t worry, the scanners are still pretty new so not that many places have them yet. I’m betting our favorite college dive bars won’t bother with them for awhile. Because let’s face it, their business pretty much runs on inappropriately rowdy patrons. If someone isn’t throwing up on the dance floor the bar can’t have had a very successful night.

This makes it even more important to get fucked up and party as hard as possible during college. Because by the time we graduate, the world is going to be a very different place. You ever see Demolition Man? Sylvester Stallone ends up in a future so messed up and controlled that people get fined just for swearing and you can only fuck someone through a headset. Watch that movie again and think about the fact that everyone is cold sober the entire time. Shit just got a whole lot more depressing didn't it?

So as the school year begins and everyone moves back to college, it’s time to celebrate. It’s been three long months since you started that 30 person bar fight and the bouncers have forgotten all about it. It’s time to head back to your favorite college bars and remind them why you were so close to being banned last year.

So let’s all raise a glass to our clean slates, then smash them on the bar floor.

Guide To A Perfect Bender

2011-08-21T19:31:00.004-04:00

A recurring theme in our posts has always been that there is never enough booze. For this particular one, however, I feel that it is important to reiterate. THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH BOOZE! The math for this is simple and may have been explained before. When pulling off a bender it is imperative that you and your friends get to the liquor store immediately to prepare. Benders are not easy to pull off with the amount of perfection achieved by some, but this guide will provide you and your friends with some tips to try and pull it off.

The proper time to pull off a bender will always be a surprise and never happen when expected. A personal favorite is winning an award or tournament such as an Iron Chef contest or Family Feud tournament, just for example. Because these moments can strike at anytime, due to you and your bros being undoubtedly awesome, it is important to always have emergency booze on hand. This is equivalent to the amount of booze it will take to start drinking before and continue after the competition and get all of you fucked up. Usually a handle per person or the equivalent in beer is a good amount. No one is above having a box of wine and drinking from a soda can either. Cans are “conducive to violent hand gestures” and conceal booze in public areas.
You and your roommates will arouse in the morning in a similar fashion to any other day but feel the need to start drinking. Use the remaining emergency booze to prepare road drinks and hit the liquor store. As you have already learned, buying in bulk is the only way to buy booze. Purchase by the case. Don’t get fancy because in a couple of hours all drinks will taste the same and that wave is going to ride out to the end of the week. The amount of booze needed is not always known, but speaking from experience it could take, oh, I don’t know, maybe, 12 handles of vodka, 80+ beers, and 3-4 boxes of wine to keep 5 to 6 guys drunk for the appropriate amount of time (5 day minimum). You will also have to restock the emergency booze in case this bender takes an unexpected turn which could include additional bendees and/or an extended period of time. In either case, another liquor run will be necessary and no one wants to get caught with their pants down.
There will be plenty of time to party and hit the bars, and those will happen on their own regardless so turn your focus to more important things. Three days in and you’ve forgotten that you even have classes, not that it matters because your parents are probably paying for you to have zero responsibility and get shitfaced all the time, and one of your roommates has the nerve to say that he’s going to a noon class. All of you have been drinking since 8 a.m. and know better. It is important to encourage this behavior at first. Assure him that you and your friends will be taking the bus downtown and have no intention of dragging him along. Prepare road drinks for this outing as it tends to be a lot more fun hammered off your ass. Once you and your bros get to the bus stop it is time to tell your friend that he will not be going to class and that you will be going downtown to spend your school funded gift card to a local bar. This is an example of a possible prize of course, but it is the reason for the bender in the first place. The bar will most certainly be closed and you will have to go later, but luring your friend downtown without a road drink of his own is just fucking fun (not for him though). Be sure to wander and explore local shops while pissing people off. This objective will be best achieved when you find your local dollar store. Buy whistles for you and your friends. These will be useful because speaking from personal experience, no matter how loud you yell, whistles will always be more annoying. Head back at some point and start tanning. You and your boys have to look good for the bars tonight and you have a lot of drinking ahead. One of your friends will have too much drinking ahead and pull out a sweet line to drive away a girl who just wants to fuck. An example of such, “I just want to get to know you better.” This is a sure way for your friend to cock block himself and anyone interested in her friends, because when it comes down to it she just wanted to get to know his dick better.
Another quick tip would be to collect some junk for free. After all, one man’s worthless mini-table with wheels is another man’s mobile bar. Tanning is no fun if you have to run in and out for drinks so buckle down and keep the bar outside where it can be fully utilized.
The last advice to give is try to get some activity in somewhere around the middle of the week. The best option is to crash the intramural sports tournaments. Particularly volleyball. The supervisor isn’t going to let you compete of course, because let’s face it, you are way too drunk. So the best idea is to meet up with some old friends here, who possibly have more booze, and hit the gym with your buddy. You guys don’t want to start your catatonic break down so try and hit all the important muscles (Biceps and abs). After this is complete strap in and enjoy the ride.

The last couple days are up to you as no one ever seems to remember them or be able to distinguish one from the other. Getting face shitting drunk and unleashing havoc is the only known form of time travel. Unfortunately this time travel actually accelerates the aging process, but the good news is it gets you out of class. Well, you skip all your classes, so it doesn’t really get you out. Just have fun and do your best not to get arrested. But, if you do get arrested remember this; a good friend will bail you out, but a true friend will be sitting next to you waiting for the good friend to bail your drunken asses out.

Just Another Day

2011-08-05T22:52:00.002-04:00

Inspired by True Events

First things first, have to hit that liquor store. You will probably have no idea what day it is as they tend to blend together at this point, but there are two things you are sure of. One, the hangover already decided that you will not be attending class today. Two, whether it’s a Monday or a Thursday its going to be a long one and the only way out is to pick up from where you left off, GET SHITFACED.

Fast forward to later that day. You probably won’t remember most of what happened anyway. Assume that you and your roommates possibly took a trip downtown. One of which probably told a girl he couldn’t shake her hand because he’s been licking his all day. You and your friends probably drank a few beers in public areas and blatantly discarded them for people to see along with yelling at girls about how great their boobs look in the dress they’re wearing. Somehow you got to where you are now. You and your roommates decided to throw a party and sent out a few hundred if not thousand invites. Excessive? Shut the fuck up and listen. You may only have a dorm room but break down facebook like this. People who say no mean fuck you and there will be a lot of them. People who say maybe mean they still want to be friends, but fuck you. People who say yes are on the fence and likely still 50/50.

The party will undoubtedly pick up. It will move along in steps. There will be an initial awkward phase. Not for you though, just for everyone showing up. The early comers are going to wonder why you and your roommates are so face shitting drunk before 6 pm. Then people will begin to pour in, which is a good thing. The shouting will be starting soon which will lead to the climax of the party. The beer pong tournament has most likely been reduced to nothing more than a table of empty beer filled cups. The flip cup game is going great, at least in the sense that people are chugging down booze, not in the sense of an actual game being played. This will be when the police and/or EMTs arrive. Shortly before their arrival someone probably yelled out something along the lines of, “DRINK THAT SHIT!” This is sure sign of a party and police can hear it from miles away. When the police do arrive it is important not to panic. You won’t remember it in the morning anyway so don’t fret now.

Just move everyone you can into other rooms and let the police yell at you. The ones you can’t will be the ones puking in the hall, passed out in the trash room, or throwing up on a bus home in front of the RA’s. When they call you guys out on having underage kids at the party there are 3 words to remember. Deny, deny, deny. Explain that you have never seen them before. They will know that you signed these kids in, but it’s not your responsibility to check their ids. If they say they’re 21 who are you to tell them otherwise. They won’t be impressed, but you won’t go to jail either. At least not this time, but be prepared because this is just the beginning. Any disgruntled parents that show up may look at you and your roommates with disgust and judgment. Ignore those glaring eyes and answer with a, “Go fuck yourself!” Who are they to judge you? What kind of responsible parent would let their child hang out with you and your roommates anyway? Wait until the police have left and then burst out into laughter at how pathetic they all are.

When you wake up in the morning refrain from asking yourself what the fuck happened yesterday. That’s in the past and won’t come back to bite you in the ass until you run into the same police tonight. Now get ready, you’re getting arrested…

Guide to Blackouts

2011-08-01T14:32:00.001-04:00

You wake up facedown, on a cold cement floor. The first thing you register is the gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach. You look around and realize you’re in a small stone cabin. Looking down you realize you’re wearing someone else’s clothes and you don’t know why. As you stumble to your feet you realize you are missing a shoe. It is nowhere in sight. Finding your way out of the cabin you realize you’re in even bigger trouble; the cabin is in the middle of the woods. You dig into the murky cloud of memories from the night before. The last thing you remember is smashing the bottom off a beer bottle to funnel Rubinoff. Then…blank. That’s right; you blacked the fuck out.

Don’t panic, blackouts aren’t anything to worry about. In fact, they can be pretty fun. And if you follow this helpful guide you’ll be laughing about this in no time. (Your friends are probably laughing about it already.) Unless you read this guide while blacked out…talk about a 1.75 liter of irony.

1. Smile. You probably just had an awesome night. No matter how many people you pissed off or regrettable things you did, odds are you had a blast doing it. At the very least you’ve probably earned yourself a funny story, even if you aren’t the best person to tell it.

2. Take in your surroundings. (aka figure out where the fuck you are.) 90% of the time you’ll be safe and sound in your own bed. The other 10% is where the fun/trouble begins. The distance from the place you blacked out to the place you wake up is directly related to how much of the night (or day) you blacked out. 30 minutes? You’re probably on the floor of your room. 2 hours? Maybe you made it to a friend’s front yard. 5 hours? Let’s hope you’re familiar with your town’s forest areas. 8 hours? Let’s hope you have your passport with you.

3. Check your pockets. The Hangover movies got something right. (Hopefully you had a night as awesome as they did. Except for the getting banged by a tranny part…Spoiler Alert) Sort through whatever clues you might get that can piece together your night. Really this is the only reason receipts were invented. How else would us poor drunk bastards find out how much money they blew in an alcohol inspired haze. This is even more exciting if you wake up in someone else’s clothes. There’s no telling what you’ll find in the pockets.

4. Check your phone. Phones are an obvious one; drunk people love talking to people. No matter how unnecessary or inappropriate it is. Whether you’re telling them what a crazy night you’re having and insisting “you should have been there, you would have dug it the most” or soliciting a late night booty call it’s all vital information in the mystery that is your life. No matter how pissed they were about the call, once they find out you don’t remember making it they’ll be dying to help you piece things together. Phone and text records are also helpful to figure out who you were hanging out with in case this isn’t immediately obvious.

5. Sit back and enjoy the tale. Once you find someone who can actually tell you what happened, buckle in for a great story. You know when people tell a hilarious story and you think “wow I wish that had happened to me that sounds like a blast”. In this case, it actually did. You owe it to yourself to draw as much enjoyment from the story of your night. You know, since you don’t remember enjoying it the first time around.

6. Make your apologies. People who are blacked out do stupid shit. It’s part of life. These indiscretions will range from little, like stealing a friend’s car, to big, like getting that same friend wanted by the police (sorry for both Tony). Don't feel too bad about it though. If you don't remember it, its not your fault. You aren't so much apologizing for something you did as you are saying sorry for something bad that happened to a friend. Sorry you got a speeding ticket bro, sorry you didn't do so well on your test, sorry I punched you in the face and then laughed about it.

So as we leave the weekend and enter the real world once again, reflect on all the awesome things that happened. You probably pissed some people off. But they won’t stay mad for long, because it was probably really, really funny.

Guide to Moving OUT OF a College Dorm

2011-07-28T18:07:00.000-04:00

If you’ve followed my Guide to Moving INTO a College Dorm; congratulations! You are successfully in college. Chances are, sooner or later they are going to want you to leave. Follow this helpful guide for tips on a smooth move out. Most of these tips are based on my most recent move out in May.

1. Give yourself at least 24 hours to move out. You don’t want to rush anything.

2. Throw a going away party. The day before a move out is one of the best times to party because it doesn’t matter how trashed the place gets you’ll be gone in a day anyway. Take this opportunity to do all the things you had too much respect or good sense not to do during the year. These may include:

Telling the R.A. to “eat shit”.

Making a move on the engaged grad student.

Explaining to every girl that this is their last chance to get with you, even if they’ve never met you before.

And much much more!

3. The next morning you will be painfully hungover. The dorm will be an absolute train wreck. Crack a beer. This will have the benefit of eliminating your hangover and making the move much more entertaining. You may feel like you’d rather lick the dirty part of a dog’s asshole than ingest more of the substance that created the nauseous feeling in your stomach. Trust me. The first one is the hardest. After that it’s smooth sailing.

4. Have another beer. You’ve got all day to pack up before the folks come, why waste it?

5. Put the finishing touches on the repair to the giant hole in the wall. You may be thinking, is the day you’re leaving really the best time to do this? Shouldn’t we have fixed this hole months ago? To that I say; you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. If you fix the hole too early it will just get broken again. There is nothing more tempting to an alcohol fueled fist than the crisp gleam of a freshly patched wall. At 7PM “We used plywood instead of drywall so it’s stronger than ever” is a conversation point. At 2AM it’s a challenge.

6. Finally get down to packing up your shit. There’s no reason to view this as work though. You can use this opportunity as a game to gage how much fun you had this semester. There’s a few ways to score this game. How many empty liquor bottles you find. How many articles of female clothing you find. Name that stain. Come up with a system that suits you, don’t let me limit the fun. If packing still isn’t fun, repeat step 4 until it is.

7. Hopefully you’ve finished with enough time to enjoy everyone else moving out. Grab a seat outside to wave goodbye to everyone leaving, whether you know them or not. Their parents will look on in shock at how intoxicated you are. With any luck they’ll remember you from when they helped move in their kid, discrediting months of their child’s insistence that “people don’t usually get that drunk here”. This is the end of your vacation, enjoy it while you can.

8. For a number of reasons, bringing alcohol home with you is a great idea. Maybe you don’t have anyone to buy it for you while at home or maybe it’s just cheaper at school. Concoct a careful plan to smuggle the booze into your other luggage so your parents don’t notice how much alcohol you’re bringing home.

9. Become too drunk to care about your carefully laid plan. Blatantly pack the alcohol into your parents care. Try to stress the amount of money you are saving by buying a case of vodka instead of individual handles. They will miss the point.

10. Head home ready to tell the tale of your semester to your high school friends. It doesn’t really matter how much fun you had during the year, it’s how fun the year sounds when you tell them about it. An embellishment of 30% is allowed for all stories. But don’t make any up. Everyone can tell and then you just sound like a douche.

Happy vacation!

Guide to Moving INTO a College Dorm

2011-07-18T22:37:00.000-04:00

As thousands of students mourn the end of summer and ready themselves for a new year of college, they are searching for a guide on how exactly to go about moving into a college dorm. What to bring, how to organize it, and how to arrange that perfect room are all concerns of the new crop of freshman. These tips are based on my personal experience moving in last January. Hopefully they help you make a smooth transition.

1. Bring booze. You don’t want to be scrambling around on day 1 trying to find a liquor store or worse, trying to find someone to buy you alcohol. The first day of school is not a time to get used to your new surroundings, it’s a time to get so fucked up you feel like you’ve been there for weeks. Alcohol is also a great way to get to know your new roommates. Because, really, who cares if you get along sober. Your drunk selves are the ones that will be spending all the time together anyway.

2. Let your parents help move you in. This is a great time to show them the room when it is clean and illegal substance free.

3. Enter the room at 1 PM to find your roommates are already shitfaced. Regret step 2.

4. Hide the appreciative smile you give them as you promise your parents they aren’t usually like this. Shrug and say hey, it’s the first day.

5. After you assure your parents it will be your most studious semester ever, dump all your bags in your room. Don’t unpack anything. Anything you unpack will probably just get destroyed in the drunken haze that is soon to follow. I know your thinking, come on, I have to at least make my bed. Don’t bother. In a few hours you’ll be too drunk to care where you pass out and there’s a 90% chance it won’t be in your bed. And any girl who’s dtf on the first day isn’t going to care what the hell your room looks like.

6. Did you follow step 1? Good. Pour your first drink. Make it a stiff one, you have some catching up to do.

7. Around 4 PM, rush into the hallway and vomit into the trash bin. A mother helping her daughter move in will eye you in horror. You will eye her daughter. As they walk away in disgust the daughter will try to explain that not all of the people here are like you. The mother will suggest she changes schools.

8. Keep your door open throughout the day. This is a good way to get to know your new neighbors. Don’t be afraid to shout at them as they pass to make sure your friendliness in heard.

9. Around 5 PM the R.A. will come to your room to address several complaints. It is good to get to know your R.A.’s on a personal level. The first day is a great time to develop a relationship that will last the whole semester. It’s important to start on the right foot.

She will say, “I’ve got several reports of you guys yelling at girls?”

Your roommate will assure her, “I haven’t had a drink all day.”

Eyeing the countless empty bottles, she will feel you are missing the point. Help show her you understand by shouting awkward and out of place compliments at her until she leaves.

10. Once you are good and drunk, make the rounds and introduce yourself to the neighbors that might not have been subjected to your shouted compliments earlier. The first day is the perfect time to do this because everyone still has nametags on their doors. Only knock on the doors of girls that have attractive sounding names. This will cause some debate among you and your roommates. Betty? Unattractive. Cindy? Attractive. Kelly? That’s a tricky one. But that’s a topic for a whole different post. If you can’t decide amongst yourselves whether the girl will be attractive air on the side of caution and knock anyway.

11. Invite all the girls who answer their doors to your party, whether you are having a party or not.

12. At some point go out and explore. Throw up in the snow. Chase the shuttle. Have fun.

13. Black out.

14. Wake up in the morning not in your bed. Chuckle and admit that I was right about tip 5. Feel foolish for ignoring me and making your bed, dick.

15. Actually unpack all your stuff. Chances are some of it will be missing or broken. If you actually need help with what else to bring (besides extra booze for the entire first week) or how to organize it, I can’t be of any help to you. You’ll have to find some real blog about real college stuff.

After you’ve gone to that blog and gotten your practical advice, come back here to check out the next post: Guide to Moving OUT OF a College Dorm. It’s more work than you think.

Any other tips for moving in? Share your knowledge in the comments below.