Canadian Rhapsody

afterwards

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 19:12:00 +0000

I have spent a year on my knees.

Broken and pleading for peace when darkness starts to creep in. Looking for hope to keep me afloat. Clinging to thankfulness for what I still have and for everything Griffin was. It’s the way of grieving and healing that came naturally to me, so I have danced along that journey for 12 of life’s months.

And I’m so good at that. My heart can find goodness and amazing gifts amidst even the most sorrowful moments of our lives. I have a very practical mind, but I see the world in its whole spectrum of colour.

But I read something today that informed my heart that it might be time for more.

Maybe it’s time to stop being the woman who survived the death of her son by seeking goodness and start being the woman who tried to change the world because she had a son who changed her life forever. Being the good because he was here instead of seeking good to survive his absence.

Or maybe both, since my heart will never be over it.

I tried, this past year, to mark each month since Griffin’s birth day with an act of kindness, but it didn’t go far. I don’t think I was ready yet to mark those days with anything but sadness. But now, maybe I’m ready for more.

I’m not quite sure what it will look like yet. But I’ll let you know.

one.

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 15:34:00 +0000

I might post more later when this day is over, but for right now, all I can manage is a repost of the letter I wrote to him for his memorial. Not a single thing has changed except for the number of days that stand between us.

Our hearts ache so badly for a second chance with him. Even just to hold him again for a little longer. The truth though, is that today isn’t just for mourning. The privilege of welcoming him here on August 8th, 2012 still overwhelms my heart. We got to make some memories with him. I am so proud to be his mom.

So, if you are looking for something you can do for us today, please consider baking a cake or dessert in honour of Griffin and enjoy it with your family. We won’t be having the first birthday party we would have wanted for him, but I love the idea of our friends and family celebrating him today.

And I hope today in Heaven they are celebrating your first birthday the way you should be celebrated.

To my sweet Griffin,

It's already been a week. A week since I last felt you move and kick inside me. A week since those first contractions started that we thought meant we were finally going to meet you. A week since that moment that everything went sideways. It wasn't just our baby that we lost at that moment. It was a lifetime worth of dreams; of milestones we thought we'd share with you.

It's also been a week since we last held you . We clung to you knowing that our time with you would be way too short, and we tried to memorize your every detail. We marveled at your blonde hair and your big hands and feet. I will always speak with pride about how much you weighed, and how tall you had grown to. I spent many late nights wondering what you'd look like, and what your little personality would be like, and I still can't believe how perfect you were.

I carried you every moment you were alive on this earth, and never have I been given a more special gift. Amidst all of this sadness, we feel so blessed to have been your parents. Chosen and set apart to love and care for such a special gift to the world. Chosen to carry on your memory and to make sure your legacy is known.

And now we're here. Saying goodbye to our first born son. Giving your spirit and all of our hopes and dreams for your life back to God, and begging 'take care of him'. I know that you're surrounded now by a beauty we can't even imagine, and a peace we'll never attain here on earth, but I still wish that every moment of our days were different. I wish I was experiencing every hard and beautiful part of parenting two kids. I wish I was watching Emily grow as a big sister. I wish I was dreaming with your Daddy about all of your firsts.

But for now? We're just waiting. Waiting until we'll see you again. Waiting on God to answer all of our questions of 'why'. Waiting to see what kind of impact your short time with us will make in the world.

Please watch for me, sweet boy. Know that one day I will return to you. And I will gather you up and tell you all of the things that I tried to tell you that night. That we love you with a love that is greater than any words and stronger than death. That we miss you with an ache that will never dim, for every step laid out before us is a step taken without you by our side. And that I am so sorry that I couldn't carry you safely into this world.

Today isn't really a goodbye, as I know I'll carry you with me everywhere I go, but as we mix in some of your ashes, it really is a sign that our physical time with you is over, and that all we have to hold on to now is your pictures and our memories. We will cling to them so tightly Griffin, until we can make some more with you.

I love you, my sweet son.

See you later, alligator.

I never got to hear you laugh

you never saw me cry

didnt get a chance to say "Hello"

you never said "Goodbye"

I didn't think that I could feel

so sad, lost and forlorn.

I never knew God chose his Angels

before some of them were born.

Your life was short yet special

I shared it all, exclusively

I felt you grow, I felt you kick.

You were alive inside of me.

Every baby is an Angel

and every angel is divine

God needed one in heaven

He came down and took mine

And although we're not together

we're not really apart

for you'll always occupy a space

deep within my heart.

Time will slowly ease my pain

but I know I'll always cry.

When I wish I could have said "Hello"

and heard you say "Goodbye"

~Author Unknown

19 weeks

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Fri, 17 May 2013 16:26:00 +0000

How far along? 19w2d (or 20w2d based on my last 3 ultrasounds)

Total weight gain: +2lbs according to my home scale. +4lbs according to the scale and the clinic and +.5kg according to my MFMs scale.

Maternity clothes? Still yes. Although Craig was teasing me recently about looking as pregnant as our 7 month friend, so I’ve started wearing a lot of my non-maternity pants in protest. Some of the ones that were looser can still be done up, so I guess I don’t really need to be in maternity ones as often as I am.

Sleep: Still good. Falling asleep is always my biggest problem. I do a lot of my thinking at night, about Griffin and this sweet little one.

Best moment this week: Seeing him again on the ultrasound is always a great part of my week. It’s probably because of the loss, but I always get apprehensive at every appointment that their going to suddenly find that his heart has stopped beating. :( But we got the best news possible that medically this is looking to be a perfect pregnancy so all of the extra steps we are taking are more precautions than necessary stopgaps.

Movement: Still lots of reassuring wiggles! If they hadn’t have told me an I have an anterior placenta this time around, I would have had NO IDEA based on how often I can feel his kicks from the outside. Hopefully Craig catches one soon!

Gender: Boy!

Labor Signs: None. But I have noticed some braxton hicks lately when I’ve been bent over and stand up quickly (such as moving laundry from the washer to dryer). Not painful, just annoying. If it’s anything like my pregnancy with Griffin, they’ll go away around 30 weeks, with no contractions to be seen until I go into real labour.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss: Is it sad that it’s still wine? And sleeping on my tummy.

Weekly Wisdom: Smoothies and kombucha can do amazing things if you’re constipated. Just saying. Also, I have baby SCOBYs coming out of my ears, so please let me know if you’d like to start brewing your own!

Milestones: Half way! Since it’s likely I’ll be going early since they want to gently induce me before 40 weeks, I can officially say I am half way now. And I can also officially say that I am ready for this baby to be here. I am really looking forward to growing this baby and feeling more and more kicks, but truthfully it feels like I am 9 months overdue at this point.

Big Sister: Still really excited to have a baby in our house and teach it all of the things she is mastering. Although we’ve also reached the point where she will say “I’m not being a sister!” or “I DON’T have two brothers!” if she’s grumpy mad for some reason or another. C’est la vie.

Pregnancy After Loss: I did the math and in a few days we will reach the point that Griffin has been gone from our arms for longer than we ever had him. And on that same day I’ll be 20 weeks pregnant with our new blessing. I’ll post more about this the day of because it is a LOT of emotions to unpack.

Prayer Requests: Baby looked really healthy yesterday, so just pray for continued good health and steady growth at our scans. His placenta had moved up a bit (to .8cm away) so there is hope that it will keep moving the 2cm away that is needed for me to deliver him the good old fashioned way. Pray it moves! And doesn’t give us any trouble in the mean time.

preggo projects

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Mon, 13 May 2013 12:00:00 +0000

One of the things I was worried about for this pregnancy was the fact that we were COMPLETELY NEWBORN READY before we even conceived. I mean, there are things we could do to improve the nursery (ie. hang pictures on the walls), but anything a person would worry about getting in place before baby comes, we’ve already got.

And of course the second I found out we were having another boy I took all of the boy baby clothes out of their storage bags in the (nursery) closet and reorganized them. I’ll still have to wash them come month nine so that they are fresh and clean for the new baby, but otherwise, clothing prep is done. If I’m being completely honest, I never took any of the newborn clothes out of the dresser after Griffin died. The bigger clothes were easier than looking at and touching all of those cute little things we’d bought for him and that he was supposed to be wearing then. Going through it all again a couple weeks ago brought back another big cry fest. It’s still not fair.

But regardless, I am so excited to be expecting another baby, and I want to have projects to complete each week to help pass the time this pregnancy. So here is my list of 20 things to complete in the next 20 weeks! Not all of them are baby related, but a lot will make life easier for both while pregnant and with a newborn.

1. Cloth Diapers (DIY some new fitted covers and pocket diapers)
2. Reupholster Glider
3. Nursery closet shelving system
4. Nursery brag wall (newborn photos, birth details, shadow frames of all kiddos)
5. Curtains and valance
6. Artsy mobile
7. Name art
8. Baby brother/big sister shirts
9. Big sister nook in nursery
10. New baby carrier for me & play mei tai for Emily
11. Upholster master bed and headboard
12. Foam cushions for foyer bench
13. Toy storage in basement
14. Install fence and garden beds in backyard (Supervising!)
15. Cutesy camping trailer (new curtains, possibly new cushion covers)
16. Remove pond & sod hill
17. Arrange outdoor patio
18. Find plaque or stone for Griffins tree or garden.
19. Repaint/decorate guest/kids bathroom
20. Get really good at doing laundry in a timely manner.

A couple of these are up to the hubby to complete, with my assistance/guidance, especially the fence and pond removal. I’ve been digging up all of the plants around the pond myself, but all of the levelling and sodding will have to be up to him.

They also probably won’t be completed in this order. Outdoor/trailer stuff will likely all happen this month or the next, with a lot of the sewing projects happening as I need to slow it down a bit.

16 weeks

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 02:23:00 +0000

Figured I would start keeping track of this pregnancy. I did a lot of pregnancy updates with Emily, not very much with Griffin (regrettably, 2nd child syndrome I guess?) and now after pregnancy being the only part I got with him, I’m determined to make sure I’m making the most of this one.

How far along? 16 weeks. We don’t have an LMP to base this pregnancy on, so this is based on the 6 week ultrasound. The two most recent ultrasounds have put me a week ahead of this, but I’m keeping my current due date (October 8th) for now.

Total weight gain: If I weigh myself in the morning, I’m down a couple of pounds still, but by the end of the day I’m sitting right at pre-pregnancy weight. Not really abnormal for me. With Em I was down 10lbs at this point and with Griffin I was down a couple pounds.

Maternity clothes? Since I’m down on the floor with Emily a lot, I’m wearing my smallest maternity pants when I’m not still in yoga pants. I’ve got a short torso, so I’ll be in non-maternity shirts until at least 7 months.

Sleep: Fine. Unless the toddler doesn’t sleep. lol. Actually, normally I’m getting pins and needles on my outer thighs when I’m lying on my sides by this point, but it hasn’t happened at all this pregnancy.

Best moment this week: Learning the gender at our ultrasound!

Movement: I’ve felt a couple of wiggles, but nothing consistent. We were feeling Griffin from the outside at 18 weeks, so it shouldn’t be long now!

Gender: Boy!

Labor Signs: Nope. No braxton hicks yet this pregnancy either.

Belly Button in or out? In. I don’t think it ever became an official outie with either of my previous pregnancies!

What I miss: Wine. I would say sushi, but the kind I always get is spicy shrimp tempura, so it’s not raw anyways!

Weekly Wisdom: Once your toddler has seen you pregnant and post partum, they will ask at EVERY appointment if they baby is coming out. We’ve told her repeatedly that it won’t happen until after her birthday and camping season, but she just can’t wait!

Milestones: Now that we know the gender I can start unpacking all of those by clothes again! Although since we have a fully finished nursery, if I get too much done now, I won’t have anything left to do by the third trimester!

Big Sister: Emily is so in love with the idea of another sibling. She talks all the time about what she’ll do for the baby (“I’ll read the baby my stories, I’ll rock the baby, I tell my baby it’s bedtime”), and tells everyone that she’s “being a big sister” (as opposed to ‘going to be a big sister’ since she already is one! She’s got things right figured out.).

Pregnancy After Loss: I’ll post soon about everything that goes on when I’m pregnant now. It’s been a big learning curve for me after two low key pregnancies and deliveries. I will say that overall I am doing pretty well. Not a lot of anxiety (at least not relating to losing Griffin), but maybe that will be coming towards then end when my body stopped being a safe place for him.

Prayer Requests: I know a lot of people are wondering how they can be praying for us. Pray for the health and safety of this baby and that the blood thinners I am on do their job and keep the blood flowing to the baby. Pray that my blood pressure goes down; so far this has been more life-related than pregnancy-related, but too much high blood pressure could lead to pre-eclampsia (which I am already pre-disposed for apparently), and there’s some stuff coming up in our lives that will just add more stress for me. Pray for Craig. It was torturous for him that he couldn’t do anything to save Griffin and I think he feels kind of helpless in this pregnancy too; there’s not much he can do to ensure the safety of this little boy while he is still inside of me.

reveal time!

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 19:53:00 +0000

Yesterday we had our early anatomy scan (also known as ultrasound number 3), and the tech asked if we wanted to find out the gender! Luckily, baby was VERY willing to show us the goods, especially considering I’m only 15 weeks right now.

Overall we had really good news at the appointment, with baby measuring ahead of schedule and everything looking perfectly formed. The only downside was that I’ve currently got a diagnosis of placenta previa, however it is still really early in the pregnancy and things could change, so I’m not going to start worrying about that now!

Anyways, I’ll stop teasing you and get on with the reveal! Emily posed while I snapped photos.

Emily and Griffin have a brother.

(another) new beginning

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 16:41:00 +0000

So it looks like I'm back here again, apologizing for falling of the face of the blogging earth, again. I don't know what it is with me and blogging the past year or so. We clearly have a love/hate relationship at the moment.

I think October really did me in. I thought posting everyday about our lives without Griffin would be easy because I could post what I was doing, thinking, feeling daily since it was our total reality. But it was too private. And too much focus on the loss without perspective of the blessing he provided to our lives, and to the good that remained.

But here, 8 months out, I'm still that girl. Heartbroken over losing a son and struggling with knowing the next steps. And trying, daily, to remember hope and joy.

We truly have a lot to be joyful over these days too. Our marriage is great, our daughter is flourishing, and spring finally seems to be arriving. I noticed that the tulips and daffodils in Griffin's garden are pushing up through the soil now, trying to live even though winter won't seem to let go.

And so are we. Pushing onward even though our winter is not over. Welcoming spring in the midst of it all.

Arriving September 2013!

the child whisperer vs. the terrible twos

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 03:41:00 +0000

The Child Whisperer is available TODAY on Amazon! And this week ONLY, if you purchase the book on Amazon, you get an extra $317 in bonuses!

As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve loved getting to know Emily better. Just tonight, I was watching her dance along as we watched Dancing With The Stars and we spent a long time on the floor playing airplane and doing ‘yoga’, and I realized that I often ask her to go play by herself because I have important things to do, and she comes right back to me asking me to play with her or to sit on my lap and ‘help’ me. Why am I fighting the fact that she wants to spend time with me? And more importantly, why am I passing on the message that having fun isn’t appropriate all the time, when I hated hearing that myself growing up?

But I digress. Back to that terrible twos part! Maybe the reason she sometimes screams and throws things around when she’s mad isn’t just because she’s ‘that age’, but more because although she has a lot of words now, she still can’t completely express her needs when she’s getting frustrated? Wouldn’t it be neat if in the mean time I had a way to understand the reasoning behind the way she wants to play, or potty train (or not!), and why she seems to HATE the grocery store, so I can maybe know what the answer to her problem is, even if she doesn’t?

This book is totally it guys. My life has gotten 10 times easier since I’ve acknowledged the fact that she just wants to be happy and having fun all the time. Most of the time I’m making an extra effort to make even the mundane parts of our day fun, and the rest of the time I’m extending her a little extra patience when I know she’s frustrated that what we’re doing isn’t fun enough (or we’ve been doing it too long and it’s gotten boring – I TOTALLY get it!).

We do a dance when she needs to pee, and another one after she’s been successful (and often, we’re dancing even if she hasn’t!). We make up games to get in more bites of dinner, we cover everything in glittery stickers, and start up crafts randomly in the middle of the afternoon.

And life is better, even with a little more mess!

So that’s been our so-far cure for our little Type 1 jumping bean, but what about some of the other Types?

Type 2’s just seem to need comfort, so maybe you’ve been pushing them too much to be more outgoing, or you’re saying ‘Come on! This is so fun!’ when they really need you to be saying ‘I just want you to be comfortable, is there anything I can do to make you feel safer?’.

Type 3’s? I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago about when little kids start being bossy and pushing or telling other kids what to do. Obviously hitting and pushing isn’t ok, but more often than not, parents probably try and discipline the bossiness right out of their kids, instead of seeing it for what it truly is. Maybe your child has a natural gift for leading people and working in groups, and they need your help in positively developing it instead of wounding them by telling them it’s not OK!

Here’s the links to the videos again, which have a bit more description of each of the Types!

1: The Fun-Loving Child!
2: The Sensitive Child
3: The Determined Child
4: The More Serious Child

So what type do you think your kids are? Make sure you get a copy of the book so you can find out everything there is to know about them!

why don’t babies come with a manual?

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 03:26:00 +0000

Recently, I had the opportunity to read the book The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle. In her book, she describes four energy types that kids will fall into line with (to varying degrees) with regards to their movement.

1: The Fun-Loving Child!
2: The Sensitive Child
3: The Determined Child
4: The More Serious Child

The idea that we need to be parenting each of our children in different ways based on their natural tendencies (and based on our natural tendencies too!), instead of following some cookie cutter approach was enlightening! Carol actually says in the book that children are their own parenting manual because they will tell us they way they need to be parented (even if it’s in unspoken ways!).

People will always compare the ways their individual children sleep, potty train, nurse/eat, and play with others, and they notice how their kids all seem to be different, but they want to put them all on the exact same routine their older sibling was on, and use the same phrasing when speaking to them. Why?!?

I am a Type 1 mom. It means that being fun!, random, and flexible comes easily to me, but there are other things I struggle with. Being organized for one. I love the idea of systems and structure, and enjoy putting them into practice, but I cannot for the life of me seem to stick to them. Mostly because it gets boring! I’ve been working on staying on top of things better and finishing a project when we start one, because I know once we are lucky enough to have 2 (or more!) kids here at home with us, it’s only going to get harder and harder to stay on task for things around the house.

Many of you know that Craig was deployed in Afghanistan for most of my pregnancy with Emily and for her first four months of life. What you probably don’t know is that I SUCK at accepting help (or even admitting that I would possibly need help in the first place), and so I spent 8 months doing everything myself, including parenting a newborn.

And I loved it. {The newborn stage, not C being in Afghanistan!}

Reading this book I’ve come to realize that the reason it all seemed to come so easily to Emily and I is that she’s a Type 1 too! So when she wanted to nurse randomly around the clock, I was cool with that. When I wanted to spend time with our friends in the evening, she would just chill right along with us.

Type 1’s have lots of circles and an upward movement with their features!

I think our first big hiccups came about when I started trying to schedule her going down at the exact same time every night, after performing the same ritual night after night. She hated it! Instead of it being of comfort to her to know that bedtime was coming, she would start crying when you started the bath or you took her into her room. The girl just wanted to be out and social, and when she was ready for bed, she would let you know!

These days, we’re in the midst of potty training and nursery school, and I’m seeing more than ever how much her natural movement is displayed in everything she says and does.

She LOVES her friends. She can be grumpy and in desperate need for a nap, and the second she hears them coming, she’ll snap right out of it, happy as ever, and will be fine until her normal bedtime. She feeds off of being social. If people are upset, she’ll come and pat their back or she’ll try and do something for them because she just wants everyone around her to be happy and having fun!

I noticed that a lot in the weeks after Griffin died (who, for the record, I think was a type 2). She would always notice when we were sad or crying, and she would immediately start trying to get us to play with her. I can be the same way sometimes in tense situations (between other people); I’ll get silly and start making lots of jokes because a heavy mood makes me uncomfortable. Emily was definitely making sure that hope and joy were being kept alive in our house those first weeks.

At nursery school, she’ll sometimes try and lead me by hand around her classroom to show me toys and her friends, but generally, she happily wanders away from me to go play with everyone else. If she’s feeling insecure or overwhelmed (she’s the youngest and smallest there), they’ve told me that she just goes to one of the teachers and asks to be picked up and she’ll just talk/play with them for a little while.

By far, the biggest comment I get about Emily is how ‘cute’ she is, or how ‘adorable’. Her voice is pretty high pitched (but LOUD), and she skip-bounces around a lot, so people are always drawn to watch her. It’s a good thing she enjoys the attention!

So do you have a child that you just don’t quite get? The Child Whisperer book can probably help you figure out what they’re really asking of you!

The book launches October 23rd, and everyone orders in the first week will get $317 worth of bonuses, so it’s a great time to buy a copy and even pick some up for family members for Christmas (you could include the special password for the bonus materials in the gift!).

Check it out here on Amazon:

The Child Whisperer, The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful, and Cooperative Children

Or visit The Child Whisperer website!

griffin’s story

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Sat, 20 Oct 2012 20:05:00 +0000

day 15: you are not alone

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 03:22:00 +0000

day 14: the purpose of life

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 12:00:00 +0000

We published this quote in Griffin’s obituary, and it was read out at his memorial. Author is unknown.

On the days where my heart is heavy with the gravity of our loss, these words help me to remember that his impact on the world will probably be far greater than mine can ever be.

There is some solace in that.

" The amount of time on earth matters very little: A man can live in greed and pride for 90 years and never find God, know him or accomplish His Plan. A baby born sleeping on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know. A child not even breathing for an hour, can have an impact greater than a famous preacher. The purpose of life is not ours to decide nor in our hands: it is brought about by God." ~ Author Unknown~

day 13: trust.

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 03:23:00 +0000

Some days, this road is not so easy.

I hope there soon comes a day when I don’t cry a little (or a lot) when I hear of a new baby born breathing into this world.

I don’t begrudge anyone their perfect, healthy new babies, and I wouldn’t wish anything else for them, but it always reminds Craig and I of how unfair life is.

We tried to do everything right and we still lost.

Even still, my God is the still same as He was before August 8th, and He will be the same tomorrow.

But it’s not easy.

Daily, I have to put my trust in Him that He sees the bigger picture even when I can’t.

That He has our best interests at heart, even when my interest lies anywhere but here.

I know that His love for me has never wavered. I’ve felt that. So I just keep returning to the fact that Heaven is waiting. Griffin is waiting.

And my job now, is to be the best I can be. To make the most of every heartbeat I have left. A better wife and mother. A better friend. Someone who gives more and complains less.

day 11: watercolor finger paint

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 12:02:00 +0000

As time moves on, I’ve been looking for ways to include Griffin in our daily lives. For me, this means having photos of him in various rooms we frequent, as well as more subtle nods, like handmade art and inspiring phrases.

I found a recipe for finger paint in an old church cookbook, and decided to try it out with Emily. This finger paint has laundry detergent in it, and even the most vibrant of colours seemed easy to wash off, probably because there’s already soap in it! We did our painting in the bath tub, so I was also able to use the shower head to just rinse off the walls afterwards. Also, this recipe seems to create a more watercolor look, so it might not work as well with stamping.

Easy Clean-Up Finger Paint

1 cup liquid detergent
1 cup flour
1 cup water
Food colouring

Mix the flour and water together until smooth, and then slowly stir in the liquid detergent. You don’t want the soap to suds up. It makes a big batch, so divide it up into smaller containers before adding food colouring. You can also keep a pre-mixed batch in the fridge so that it’s easy to pull out small amounts and tint it as the need arises!

I taped off my lovelies’ letters on a couple pieces of paper, and then let Emily go crazy painting on them however she wants. I gave her a foam brush as well, which she seemed to prefer. She didn’t really get the idea of finger painting at first (she touched the paint with her fingertip then immediately asked to wash her hands), but I dipped my fingers in and showed her how on the extra piece of paper and she jumped right in.

The paints QUICKLY became mixed and changed colour a bit, but we weren’t aiming for perfection!

We even did a little bit of painting on her tummy and arms, but I didn’t know how her skin would react to the detergent (we use the Ecos detergent from Costco, so it IS plant based) so we quickly moved on to the clean up stage. I think Emily loved helping clean up more than she loved painting!

day 10: words to live by

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 17:26:00 +0000

I’ve been pinning all sorts of things since Griffin died, finding inspiration and hopeful words everywhere.

Here are a few of my favourites!

Source: dictoot.com via Jen on Pinterest

Source: sawdustcityllc.com via Jen on Pinterest

Source: myhappilyeverafteragain.blogspot.com via Jen on Pinterest

Source: jesustotheworld.tumblr.com via Jen on Pinterest

Source: kellyadkins.com via Jen on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Jen on Pinterest

Source: positivelypositive.com via Jen on Pinterest

Source: lightoverleiden.tumblr.com via Jen on Pinterest

day 9:

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 05:50:00 +0000

There was no denying Griffin’s time here on earth.

Not that we would ever want to, but there was no way that we could have avoided letting everyone in after losing him. Everyone knew our pain and tried to walk alongside us.

And suddenly, everyone was sharing their story with us. Stories of miscarriage, of stillbirth. The pain of losing and the hope of Heaven. I’ve had people I’ve never met sending me emails and messages and sharing their story. Sharing the life of their child.

I read somewhere that 1 in 4 women will lose a child before 1 year of age. From conception to that first birthday cake, life steals one quarter of our children.

Do you know the 25% of your friends and family that have suffered a loss? Are you among them?

I didn’t know many of these stories before losing Griffin, and Craig and I have said again and again how sad we are for those people, because we know now. The sharp pain of losing someone you love before really getting to know them. We know the harsh reality of giving up all expectations you have for a life.

Why do we build community, seeking connection, seeking to be known, but share only the good times?

Why are we so afraid to let people in when we’re hurting? I can’t say I understand losing a child to miscarriage, but I do know the benefit of sharing the grief. Of course there have been people who have said the wrong thing (telling someone who has lost a child they can/will have more children is NOT helpful), it is overshadowed by the kindness that has been poured out for us. We’ve been carried much of the way by our friends and family, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

8: time moves forward

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 16:18:00 +0000

It’s been 2 whole months.

Since I carried him inside me.

Since I felt the first pangs of contractions.

Since we welcomed him wholeheartedly, though we were overwhelmed with grief.

People told me it could be difficult when people stopped asking about him, stopped coming around as time moved on. As a mother, who is so so proud of the life she helped create and most afraid of that life being forgotten, it has been harder than I’d like to admit.

But time also makes things easier. The way we miss him in the everyday and ache to share our life with him doesn’t seem to dim or change, but our broken hearts and the shock and pain of the sudden and unwanted separation is slowly being healed {by hands that have been broken themselves}.

I still have bad days. Bad hours. I wonder on days like today what he would have been like, looked like. We’d have added a couple more dozen photos of him to the growing collection and spent time at the doctors getting his first shots.

Instead we just remember him. Pray for him. Love him from afar.

And on a day that families gather with thankfulness on our minds, we are truly thankful to have had even a short glimpse at his life.

day 4: i’m the lucky one

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Thu, 04 Oct 2012 18:35:00 +0000

I know it may seem strange to hear that coming from someone who lost their baby, but I do consider myself lucky.

Soon after Griffin was born, I will guiltily admit that one of my first thoughts was, “why couldn’t I have had a miscarriage – it would have been so much easier to handle if I had of never carried him this long and grown to love him so much”.

But as much as there are some things about this that are probably harder (having to physically release Griffin from my arms after I saw him and fell in love with everything about him being the biggest one), I’ve come to see how so much of it can be counted blessing instead.

I got 40 weeks with him. And if time doesn’t matter as much as the impact we leave, he lived a great life. I am so glad I got extra time with him, even if it made the loss harder because my love grew with each day that passed.

I’m also so thankful for all of the pictures we have of him, and all of the other little mementos we have. My heart aches for those mourning babies they have never met, who may only have a positive pregnancy test to prove the heart that beat within them.

A life short-lived is not any less meaningful, but would soon be forgotten if those who witnessed it didn’t share the story.

*We’re going away camping this Thanksgiving weekend, and as much as I knew we were camping and knew I was blogging for 31 days straight, I forgot I couldn’t do both at once. So I’ll catch up where I left off when I get back on Monday. Sorry!*

day 3: brokenness

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:46:00 +0000

I wasn’t sure what to write today, but this story by Jill Briscoe always gives me comfort.

He put the lamb down in the long grass to rest. I hadn’t noticed the bird in His lap. It had a broken wing.
"There are so many things that are broken in this world.” The Bird Maker took hold of the little creature and it fluttered and squawked and tried to escape.
“She will have to lie still if she wants Me to mend her,” He said.
"How silly the bird is,” I murmured.
He looked at me. Just once. Then I knew I had been silly too.
"If I lie still in Your hands and stop squawking, will you heal my broken wing?” I whispered, not daring to look at Him.
There was silence. Then, “Will you lie still in My hands whether I heal you or not?” He asked me very gently.
"I’ll try to,” I said after a long pause.
Then, “Come here, little girl,” He said, and I don’t know how it happened, but I was in His arms feeling the beat of His broken heart. I understood at last. Only someone with a broken heart would want to mend broken legs and wings.

I’ve cried out to God many times the past two months. My pleas haven’t always been filled with faith and trust.

Heal him.
Make this all a bad dream.
Why did You let me get pregnant if You knew he would never make it? {*see below}
Please let me see what the point of all this is!
Why my baby?
Why me?

But through all of this, I have continually had the reassurance – a nudging in my soul – that we are so, so cared for. That even though we aren’t living the life we wanted, God has been pouring out His love on us, even if I can’t see it all yet.

I think sometimes, we pray for God’s protection over us, and when something bad happens we say, “Why weren’t you there?”. But we forget. About all of the days when nothing bad happened. We feel so deep in our pain, so alone, that we don’t look outward to see how much worse it could have been.

Losing Griffin was by far, the hardest road I am {still} walking, but I think it could have been much worse. God has kept away any depression. Our marriage is strong{er}. He has surrounded us with friends and family who continue to comfort and walk beside us. He took Griffin to the most beautiful place imaginable, to wait for us. He will never feel pain, never cry a tear, and as a mother there is some comfort in that, even though I would rather it be wiping those tears and kissing those scraped knees.

Regardless, God is asking me {all of us} to trust that He has everything in His control. He is gathering up all of the broken pieces, and only He can make something beautiful out of them.

Until then. I need to wait on Him.

*Maybe someone much wiser than I am can give me some answers on this. Did God know before we ever conceived that Griffin wouldn’t make it? Why would He ever do that? Or did He see something shift along the way and know it was coming? Or was He as surprised as we were when something happened inside to make Griffin’s heart stop beating? Does He weep over the ways our broken, flawed world changes His perfect plans?

day 2: the goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 01:43:00 +0000

Last night, I tried to sit down a create some sort of schedule for the next 30 days. What I would talk about, things I needed to share, etc. And I couldn’t do it. Apparently, this series is going to follow the same jumbled, all-over-the-place, pattern my mind and life has been following lately.

So today, I’m going back. Back to what was most likely the hardest thing I will ever have to experience while on this earth.

Saying Goodbye.

"There are no good-byes, where ever you'll be, you'll be in my heart." – Ghandi

Goodbyes are never easy. Whether you’re parting ways with a spouse for the day, dropping a child off at camp (or at university), or even saying good bye to a person you used to be, it always requires steeling yourself a little bit. The goodbyes get harder though, when they’re going away for a longer while or when you know there’s a chance you won’t be seeing them again.

And when you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you will never see that person again, that all of those expectations of the future you had built up will never be met, it’s difficult to let go.

Every second you spend with them is a second that the pain of separation is held off, but in your heart you know it’s coming. You fear it’s coming. Even though you want to make the most of the time you have, it’s hard not to let your thoughts be consumed by your anxieties about that moment when you must release them from your arms.

There is obviously something very wrong with handing your son over to someone, knowing they will never return to your arms, never live the life you had dreamed for them.

I remember that time. I can run the entire night over in my head, but one of the feelings I remember the most is the desperation I felt when we were getting ready to leave the hospital. We knew, from the second he was born up into my arms, that there would come a time that we would have to leave him, even though every instinct we have in us as parents rebelled against it.

No parent will ever say “I had enough time”. It doesn’t matter if you lose a baby at 8 weeks gestation, or you lose them at a year old, you will always feel robbed. Focussing on the time you DID have with them, the blessing of even carrying and loving a child, can help ease the pain some, but you will never willingly accept the fact that you had to say goodbye.

You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
but you will restore me to life again
and lift me up from the depths of the earth.
You will restore me to even greater honour
and comfort me once again.
Psalm 71:20-21

Our last photo (although we said our goodbyes a couple of hours later after just cuddling and loving on him some more).

Go check out the other 31 Day links!

31 days: the in-between

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 23:57:00 +0000

40 weeks I carried him.

40 weeks. Of dreams.

Of expectations.

Of taking it for granted.

Of naive belief that we were guaranteed a happy ending.

The first 12 or so weeks of pregnancy, we’re all told that we should wait to share our news because of the risk of miscarriage (although few of us wait that long), but despite that, we start making plans, buying tiny new clothes, and get excited about the pregnancy and the possibility of new life.

Once we’ve passed through that first trimester, we think we’re in the clear so we start making bigger plans: picking names, planning a nursery, and telling your employer you’ll be off on maternity leave. It’s not just a new pregnancy you’re excited about now. It’s the unique little boy or girl that is growing inside of you that reminds you of their presence with kicks and rolls and the occasional hiccup.

And at the end? A beautiful baby that will keep you up at night,

But not always.

I didn’t have a miscarriage. I lost a full term, perfectly developed little boy who’s heart just stopped beating and we don’t (yet) know why. We made it past the first trimester and the 28 week ‘viability’ point, a point where anyone would feel safe enough to start to practically prepare for the baby: painting a nursery, stocking up on diapers, folding sweet little sleepers. We came home that night and had to look at an empty bassinet by our bed, a silent swing in our living room, and a lovingly prepared nursery at the end of the hall that was empty of joy.

We also didn’t lose a child after they had worked their way into every moment of our every day lives – we lost him without ever really getting to know him (although I feel like I know him very well just by his ‘personality’ while inside me). We’ve settled back into the day to day life that we’ve lived from the moment Emily came home and it was just the 3 of us, and that leaves me feeling unsettled much of the time - looking for ways to keep Griffin included in our lives, even though our time with him was short and our memories too few.

Does that all make sense? I mentioned in my intro post that one of the things that losing Griffin has brought into my life is a feeling of isolation that I can’t shake some days. In many ways, the isolation is self-induced because I have the bad habit of comparing myself to others, and wondering if I’m grieving in the right way or if my daily activities should look different than they do. It’s not that experiencing a full term stillbirth is easier or harder than either of those other experiences, it just leaves me walking the gap between those more ‘normal’ experiences, and in a place where there aren’t many answers as to how you should feel and when things will be ‘normal’.

No one really can tell you how YOU should be feeling, or when you’ll be ready to try again. And no one should.

But maybe if I write about my experience and how I am navigating everything it will validate someone else’s experience and help them feel normal.

31 days

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 14:45:00 +0000

I’ve been trying for about a week to come up with a topic to blog about for 30 straight days without repeating myself or boring the heck out of everyone. I wanted to participate last year too, but had the same problem. What do I know enough about to come up with that much original material?

And then it hit me. Lately, I've been feeling really isolated because I’m walking this journey that (thankfully) not many will have to walk. Or at least if feels that way, though I’m sure there are many parents out there feeling the same way after losing a child.

So maybe - if I blog each day about how I’m feeling and where I’m finding healing - maybe just one person may stumble upon it one day and feel less alone.

Later today I’ll post a little more about why this experience is so isolating for me (despite an outpouring of love and support from family and friends, near and far) and it will be focussed on stillbirth, but for the rest of the month, I hope those who have said goodbye to a child at any stage will find comfort and inspiration.

day 1: the in-between
day 2: the goodbye
day 3: brokenness
day 4: I’m the lucky one
day 8: time moves forward
day 9: the need for community
day 10: words to live by
day 11: watercolor finger paints (making memorial art)

dear me: a letter to my teenage self

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Wed, 19 Sep 2012 15:24:00 +0000

Sweet {naive} 16 year old me, there is so much you will learn about life in the next 10 years.
I know how scared you are. Scared of letting go, and letting in. Scared to lose the people around you and scared about the unknowns of the future.
Let go of the mask. It’s so much easier to just be who you are and stop apologizing. The people who are important will see your quirkiness as a strength. They’ll see your heart and hear the words you speak from it, and they won’t judge you.
Stop thinking you can do it all on your own. Independence is important but friendship will help you walk through your hardest struggles and your deepest aches. Stop hiding behind anger; it won’t save your heart any heartache, but it can push people away. You already know how well you can choose your emotions. Choose better ones.
One day you will see that your greatest strength is hope. You have it now, although you don’t call it that, and you use it every time you get out of bed ready to face another day. Even when things look bad.
Your mom is only half right. You don’t need to carry the burdens of others right now, but you are right to stick it out with people even when it’s hard. They will return the favour. Grades aren’t quite as important as feeling like you did the right thing. Be who you are and be present for your friends and things will be ok. Everyone will survive high school.
In a couple of years, your Grandma will pass away, so cherish the time you have with her. Don’t complain about spending a week with them even though you feel too old. One day you will realize how much you have in common with her and wish you’d been smart enough to ask more about her life.
One day you will fall in love and marry a soldier. Later on, he will go to war and you’ll know what it is to feel afraid {every single day} of losing someone you love. You’ll get pregnant (oops!) at possibly the worst time, and you will learn how great the plans God has for you are. Start trusting Him better, because He knows exactly what you can handle (even if you don’t believe it too), and you’ll come to see that sweet baby girl as the greatest blessing during your hubby’s deployment.
One day you really will lose someone that you’ve held so close, and despite the brokenness and the ache for him that never goes away, you’ll see that your faith and heart is stronger than you ever knew possible. You will be able to see the beauty that was present in your worst day, and this will keep your heart looking forward; to the good things that are to come, and to the day you will see him again.
Don’t give too much of your heart away to people who don’t matter, but don’t keep it closed off either. You can’t be refined by pain and loss unless you completely open your heart up to love. You already know that now but KNOW IT. Live it out.
The future, though scary to think of now, holds so much possibility.
Love to you.

Click on the image above to link up your own letter or go check out gracefulthebook.com!

emily turns 2!

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 13:44:00 +0000

Emily officially turned two exactly a month ago so I figured it was about time I wrote about it!

Emily and Griffin’s birthdays are only 6 days apart, so while I was still deeply grieving our little boy, our little girl’s birthday passed us right by. Before all of this happened, when I was still in my pregnant bliss, I had been planning on having a potluck-y brunch on the 18th and just celebrate our girl and our new baby at home with everyone (and who would have blamed me for not throwing a big party a week after giving birth?). As life would have it, we ended up having Griffin’s memorial on the 18th, but in the mean time, one of my sweet friends had offered to throw Emily a birthday party and all we needed to do is show up.

What a God send.

So Emily had a Curious George themed birthday party almost a week ago on September the 8th (which happened to be one month since Griffin had passed away, but it was good to focus on our joy and blessings that day in the midst of remembering him), and all we had to do was show up!

No joke, her hair goes down to the bottom of her rib cage when it’s wet. Girlfriend grows hair better than anything else.

Yeah.

Meltdowns have started. Emily just wants to play on all of the toys instead of opening her gifts. So she yelled and fought us and then lay on her face on the floor not moving (and hoping we wouldn’t see her?)

You can kind of see Craig’s tattoo for Griffin here…

Emily made sure to score one of the favours before the day was over!

THE END!

Thank you to sweet Krista for planning Emily’s part, and to all of our friends and family for helping to make it a day Emily will (hopefully!) remember! Love to you all.

emily’s fall wardrobe plan

noreply@blogger.com (Jen @ Canadian Rhapsody) — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 19:32:00 +0000

Emily is small. She’s only 31 inches tall, and weighs about 23.5lbs. Small. So it means that she’s been wearing a lot of the same clothing for a long time, since girlfriend was 17.5lbs at 6 months, and I’ve been adding bits and pieces here and there as the seasons have changed and she’s slowly outgrown or wrecked things.

This is a dishtowel I used as a temporary apron, NOT a fall outfit! lol.

But FINALLY she seems to be hitting a growth spurt (although she will always be a shorty), and we’ve reached the end of our clothing supply. I have some stuff that will work for the fall but there are some big gaps and I’d like to start approaching her clothing with more of a plan, so everything is mix-and-match, and her drawers aren’t overflowing with stuff she doesn’t wear.

Mama’s going shopping! Anyways, here’s the plan I’m shopping with after I go through her closet and drawers and see what we’ve already got. The colours I’m going for are navy, coral/pink, yellow and green.

6 dresses (4 casual, 2 dressy)

4 colourful skirts

5 jeans (3 blue, 2 coloured)

7 leggings (4 coloured, 3 jeggings)

5 colourful blouses

4 solid long sleeve shirts

7 footless pjs (one or two piece)

3 sweaters

2 sweatshirts

Accessories: fall coloured tights, 1 fall hat, 1 scarf, fake uggs, big girl undies.

Any clothing items you can’t live without for your toddler?