Cancer at 30: My Journey

Small (Big) Achievements

2018-05-24T07:52:00.001-07:00

Today I feel happy!

So I've decided to share!

Do you ever feel you go through life not noticing the good things that are happening instead of focusing on the bad things that happen only occasionally? - When you have a headache, you say to people: "I've got a headache..." but when you don't have one, you probably don't celebrate - every day - the fact that you haven't got one.

Gratitude! That's what I'm talking about. Daily gratitude.

Funny thing happened yesterday that I'm trying not to focus too much on - at least the negative side of it. Every day at work I make myself climb 3/4 flights of stairs (depending where I park my car), not only because I'm trying to be healthy, but because I want to improve myself and be the best version of me. So yesterday, as I was doing my usual stair climbing in the morning - and I must say I'm not a morning person - this other lady, older than me, walked past me and said: "Come on, it's only morning, you should have a little more energy", I politely smiled and said: "I'm just not a morning person." Although at that point I felt judged by her. I just wish people wouldn't assume you are healthy and fit just because you look it. But then, instead of focusing on the negative thoughts all this could lead to, I've decided to celebrate the achievement.
- A lot of people would take the lift, and I take the stairs
- Two months ago I would have to stop half way to catch my breath
- One month ago I would get in the department and would barely be able to say good morning without having to catch breath between the good and the morning.
- Today I reach the department door almost catching my breath.
One step at a time. I will get the fitness level I'm aiming for. I am doing the best as I can with what I have!

Also yesterday, for the first time in a few weeks I realised something that I can't remember when was the last time I had noticed it. My irradiated nipple stopped being over sensitive. The funny thing is I used to notice it every day even clothes rubbing against it would bother me, and now it stopped but I just don't know when. I stopped focusing on that, because it stopped being a problem, but forgot to appreciate the fact that it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Same with my joint aches, when did they stop? I have no idea. The only thing I know is I had them in January and now I don't.

It's definitely a process, things don't stop from one day to the other, they get better slow and steady without you even noticing, until you do and they'll be gone. It's a little bit every day, like M always say: It's like making a sculpture, you chisel a little bit every day.

And then, today, for the first in 5 months I touched my toes when stretching!!!

This might seem a silly achievement for the majority of the population but it's a huge one that I've been trying to conquer for a long time! And once again: A little bit every day!

The lesson for today is: Whatever your struggle is today, and whatever you're aiming for in the future, it will get better, and you'll get there. Slow and steady - just like the Tortoise!

P.x

Life After Cancer and Yearly Scans

2018-05-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago I went once again to another appointment to where it all began.

This time a very hopeful and quick mammogram - the yearly one that I will be invited to every April until I'm 50.

Went back a week later to be seen by the surgeon to have a chat and the results. To my surprise, it wasn't the surgeon that was waiting me. As much as I love Dr W. I know she's never a carrier of good news, and I only realised this when I walked in the room with her and the words "I wasn't expecting to see you" came out of my mouth. - Wait! Dr. W is the consultant Radiologist. She's the one who saw my scans and perhaps wants to discuss them a bit further instead of a "all good you can go, see you next year" kind of thing. - For a split second I didn't know what to feel, but as charming as Dr W. is she instantly explained the situation. They found something in the scan, but the previous mammogram they have is pre-surgery and as the tissues inside have been moved and scar tissue has been formed, it's hard to see what's good and what's not. For this they are trained to think the worst. To act quick. To save our lives. I did explain that since my surgery I had this blob of scar tissue that doesn't allow me to have full range of movement of my arm, and for one she said it was good that I hadn't felt any changes, but we still had to check. Obviously there was tears, I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting a 5 min appointment where someone would say everything is ok.

Going into the ultrasound/biopsy room again is my worst nightmare as brings so many bad memories. The panic is always there, the "what if's" become so real. They need to start giving a heads up -"On your first scan there's 90% chances you'll be called back because the scar tissue looks like cancer in mammograms and we need to be sure" - If no one ever told you this, here's me paying my good deed to the world.
Turns out my big annoying scar does look like cancer but fortunately it's just a scar! Phew! - That's that worry gone!!!

Another thing I've been worrying about thought, is the risk of lymphoedema, I live in a terrible fear that it might happen. Around a month or so ago I woke up with a swollen chest, full of indents from the bed sheets and, as it's natural, I panicked. After a conversation with breast care nurse and reassurance from the doctor on my results appointment, it's been said that it is definitely oedema but more caused by tissue damaged from radiotherapy. Apparently it is one of the side effects from it, so I will have to cope with it. For how long? 6 months to 2 years is how long radiotherapy effects can linger in your body! - Oh great! - Any tips to avoid it? Lay on the other side so there's not that much fluid build up on that side - Oh and have a terrible and broken night sleep because you'll be constantly thinking about what side you're laying on (as if you didn't have enough sleep issues already with a wondering mind).

Being on this side of the endless tunnel, I can safely say the cancer journey is more difficult when it comes to an end. At least for most people is.
When I was faced with the diagnose, although I didn't really wanted to believe it, I kinda did what I always do in difficult situations: get on with it until you finish it, so then you can relax.
Perhaps that was the best way to deal with it for a very long time: don't think, just do it. So my soul just travelled through treatment and life for 10 whole months. And then it stopped. Do you know what happens when you suddenly do an emergency stop? Everything stays still. And your body feels numb with the adrenaline, you can't breath, you CAN'T relax! - This was me for the last 3 months.

I went through a very dark place. Questioned everything and everyone. Made life a little bit miserable for the person that had been there for me during every pain and every smile. Made life miserable for myself. I've realised I blocked so many memories that sometimes I go back to and think "how did I even manage that?" I stopped being the cheerful person I've always known to be this dark soul just floating around pretending to live a life among the living. I had nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about, nothing I was proud of. Only anger. There's still some of it remaining, but it comes and goes, in pair with gratitude. I'm now thankful for so many things and starting to feel the joys of life. I'm back to work and I've got my purpose again. I'm reconnecting with M and with myself. I'm finding my life again and my routines, learning the new me, the new us.

We can now understand how much cancer can affect a relationship. It's not just the physical side of things, it's the mental strain, the goals that change, the beliefs, the daily life. It's an atomic bomb that gets dropped and you are both left with the pieces to glue back together without the picture of what it was before. It's facing a future of uncertainty but still want to face it together. This either makes you or breaks you. And it's ok both ways. You just have to learn to accept the new reality. - M and I are in the process.

I'll be honest that around four months ago I started hating the hair growth and wanted to keep cutting it as it made me comfortable. But my twisted mind also wants my long hair to come quick. So I decided to put up with it - not get over it because I still hate it. No matter how much people say they love my short hair and that I rock it, I don't think I do. I don't recognise myself in the mirror, can't get used to style it, it's not practical and it gives me grief every morning.
And again, I'm grateful I've got hair, but angry that have to go through a hair growth process I didn't ask for.

Post cancer life is not full of smiles and celebrations as people might think. It's a constant struggle between the life you had and the life you have. The adjustments, the tiredness, the worries, the hopes and the dreams.

P.x

One Year Ago

2018-04-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

A year ago we walked in those doors to get my lump checked and our lives changed forever.

Tired from a night shift I just wished it was an April fools day joke. Or a dream.

It feels like yesterday but we are proud to know and announce the worst is behind us. Is it over? No. It never will be. The fear of recurrence is high, and the scars don't let me forget. My current struggle with life in general doesn't let me forget.

I'm half way through cognitive behavioural therapy to adjust my fearful and anxious thoughts to the real life and it's hard to let go of things that made you who you are today, in order to live a better future.

Ten weeks post radiotherapy I still have the expected tiredness but feel it's getting better. Back to exercise was probably one of the ways to gain control of my body again, my arm still doesn't stretch without aching, muscles are still damaged, and scar tissue is probably always gonna be an issue. My personal trainer is helping me getting some of it back, reinforcing the chest muscles and making them stretch is a priority, so we're focusing on chest press, lat pull down and do a small high intensity interval training to help expand all these muscles and help me breathe better. Getting out of breath and upper chest pain is something I experienced first time I tried to run, but apparently is a normal thing bearing in mind my chest was zapped with radiation. If my breast still feels hard, I can now imagine how the muscles must feel. I massage the scars and feel my breasts every day, has become my new obsession. Is it normal? Is it healthy? Perhaps not but it's my new normal. The nipple is still very very sensitive and itchy at times. I've noticed that despite the amount of cream I put everyday it always looks a bit dry and flaky, not the rest of the breast, only the nipple.

Another funny thing I've noticed a while ago is this:

(I'm sorry for people that I might offend showing gross things like this)

Yup, having a Frankenboob was not enough so let's have dysfunctional armpits! I might not sweat as much from it but it still releases a different body odour from the other one. Go figure!
And now speaking of the Frankenboobie, the other day I've tried one of my old bra's for a few hours and it was instant regret. I used to wear padded bras and the filled part presses right on my lump bed scar and is extremely uncomfortable, so is the wire that forces the breast into an unnatural shape. So I think now is probably the time to say goodbye to them but I'm still holding on, to that little piece of me from a year ago...

Tomorrow - the 2nd of April - I'll be back to work, restart where I left off exactly one year ago (but this time I'll start off with a cold - the irony!) Wish me luck!

P.x

Week from Heaven

2018-03-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

How do I even start?

Yesterday, 5 months after the referral been done, I was finally seen by an oral surgeon to plan the removal of my wisdom teeth. As he was examining my jaw we found a painful gland on my neck - !!!!! What? - And as a very cautious surgeon he sent me to have an ultrasound done and reported straight away. My heart raced through that ultrasound and I sure held back some tears and tried to focus on the red rounded pins on the ceiling boards - ??? we all have our coping mechanisms, mine is being very observant and question random stuff I see, so don't judge... - Regardless no worries from the radiologist point of view, to be sure I've brought the results home anyway to show my oncologist today and ask for a second opinion.

So today I woke up with an achy throat - that might be a clue! - but as the brain works otherwise, I decided to still panic about the oversized neck gland.

Despite that, the morning was way more exciting that I'd ever imagined. Something very cool and special happened...

I've had my first haircut post chemo - or post cancer.
It might not seem any different to the common eye but I've been showing it off very proudly. Shane did an excellent job with it and exactly what I wanted, styled in a way that looks like a normal haircut and not just "post cancer hair".

This might have been an anticipatory happy moment for what was to come - eeeek!
In the afternoon we've had our LAST oncology appointment. M went with me as he's been for every single one along the way.
And today...

Today we smile.

Today we celebrate.

Today marks the day that cancer is gone - for what we hope Forever!

I was officially discharged from oncology - always free to go back for questions and advice - but no more scheduled appointments - for what I hope is forever and ever!

How incredible and amazing is this? Look how far we have come, and how far there is to go still. I'm proud of me, proud of us. For holding on, for sticking together through thick and thin, for our resilience, for the strength we didn't think we had. M is more important than he'll even know or than I could ever express. He still found ways to make me laugh through my tears and kicked me back on track when I refused to get up. I don't think I would have been able to do this without him. I'm sure mum will understand, although she's been a big part of all of this too. I'm also proud of her that kept her chin up seeing her little girl going through all this shit. - But then again what's the other option?

Thank you to you all that believed every day that this day would come even when I couldn't believe it myself. And thank you all for being part of my LIFE!

Here lies ShitFace

A not so little tumour that changed our lives.

10/04/17 - 07/03/18

P.x

Straight and Shiny

2018-02-23T11:59:00.002-08:00

Today I'm trying to accept my hair.

I don't like it, but I'm trying to be grateful - Specially trying hard to ignore the greys.

I must confess there are days I get so annoyed with it that feel like pulling it from the roots and get back to being bald where strangely I feel I looked better - but then occurs to me that it would mean going through this length again to have it long - so then I get angry it's taking so long - to be long. Ha!

I have tried to think about the days it was falling and how I felt about it, but my brain seems to have blocked all of that. I don't remember it falling as vividly as I'd like - or shall I say I wouldn't like?
Back to September where eyebrows and eyelashes were almost nowhere to be seen I started doing this photographic record of my hair growth - because I knew the future me would be thankful for it.

Then I got discouraged and left it for about a month without recording just because I felt it was a complete waste of time - It's not really, but my brain is stubborn and states otherwise. So today I decided to have a bit of fun with it again even though it doesn't make me feel any more girly - at least it made me smile.

If only there was a hairstyle that wouldn't make me look like a boy. This is society's fault. Imprints in our minds that short hair and spiky hair is boy-like. We shouldn't think like it but I'm guilty as charged for thinking like that - having no one else to blame, society is always better to blame than me.
I'm stating to surrender to head bands and they actually look very pretty - thanks S for the advice.

Is it strange that I don't recognise myself in pictures with long hair or in pictures with no hair anymore? It's so weird and I feel weird. Looks like a completely different person - and perhaps it is, I will never be her again - but you never think of that about your pictures. It's in the past, for every minute that passes by, you change, you'll never be the same person you where in that moment that that image was "frozen" forever - Deep!

Throughout this 5 months of hair growth I've tried a few things, some of them worked for me and others didn't. I started with Watermans Grow Me shampoo, a hair mask from Lush called Roots, the Cinnamon Bar from Lush and a scalp oil that I don't remember the name.

I used to moisturise my scalp whilst going through chemo even though I've always had a oily scalp and it was very rare to have dry skin/scalp or dandruff. As you can probably guess by now this is exactly what happened; Since the hair has come back, there is this flaky scalp I can't get rid off. I know if I oil it more, the hair just gets greasier and flakes more - I've had this through my teenage years, trust me it's very annoying - but if I apply the Cinnamon Bar it dries too much and flakes out. So after a few uses, the cinnamon bar was back on "the bench". The hair mask was great and still is when I want to have that minty fresh feeling on my scalp - it's better in the summer - I still use it every so often and doesn't seem to have any implications on my flakiness. About the shampoo, I'm about to finish the bottle and although people swear by it, I don't think it made any difference on my hair growth. My hair has always been a slow grower and I don't believe a shampoo is ever going to change that. I had a break from it for 10 days when I went to Portugal on holiday and I don't think it made any difference in the flakiness (I've used a normal shampoo while over there). So now I've decided to try less chemicals and try an organic shampoo that I found in my supermarket - as I don't believe in spending lots on money on things like that - hoping it works and clears up the scalp once and for all.

Another strange thing that happened after all this time my eyelashes and eyebrows are still falling - less than during chemo - but they are quickly replaced by new ones. (In the picture my eyebrows are filled but the gaps in the eyelashes are easily seen) It might be related to stress and anxiety that I'm going through at the moment or chemo/radiation... I'll ask my oncologist in two weeks when I go for what I hope to be the last appointment ever!

If anyone has any great hair styles for very short hair give me a shout as I'm very open to suggestions.

"Love is in the Hair"

P.x

Post Cancer Blues

2018-02-13T12:46:00.005-08:00

I'm back... and after 5 days I've decided to blog.

For the last 3 weeks we've almost lived of packed bags. Great or not, it's been exhausting.

A month post radio and I don't feel any different. Or actually I do. I feel anger and sadness and all the "normal" things the experts say I should be feeling.

The 2 week break from reality was the best time I've had in a year but coming back home brought me back all the memories and stresses that cancer shoved into our lives. It's not been easy and to everyone saying that I look really well - I'm not. Cancer broke me, but somehow I managed to take the Dory approach and "swim" through it. Now the future is so scary and I'm struggling to cope with the daily life. The little things that I used to do with my eyes shut, like washing and cleaning and cooking are now tasks that I struggle with. Don't know how to explain but it feels like there's no point on doing any of it, and the effort of thinking about doing them seems to make them over-complicated and my brain goes into overdrive.

Was this clear enough? I know it's even confusing to myself.

How bad is it when someone asks you "how are you?" Or "you doing ok?" that you answer with the biggest lie in your mouth "I'm good thanks". Just because it's easy. Just because this answer doesn't have the C word attached to it. Just because I rather lie than say "No, I'm feeling like crap! Yes, I don't look like it, because I smile. But have you looked into my smile? Do you know me that well? What do my eyes say? I want this all to be over, oh wait, it is - but it's not. I want this all to be a horrible nightmare and I'm about to wake up. But days are going by and I don't. I hate myself in the mirror and have no will power to change it. I just don't see the point. I want to fight for the future me but have no more strength. You know all that strength you said I had at the beginning, well that's where it's left - 4 months ago. I want my "normal" life back. I want the baby I was planning for. I want the wedding of a princess. I want the house of my dreams. I want the holiday we both deserve. All I can hear is: you'll have it, you just have to be patient. What if I don't want to? What if I don't have that time to wait? What if in 1 year this nightmare haunts me again? What if I don't have the strength to fight it again? But because all of this is "what ifs" are not the present, I shouldn't focus on them. So I say "I'm ok". Because no one can answer any of these questions and explaining people what is actually going on up on the top floor it's exhausting when they don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't want anyone thinking that I only have bad thoughts and life is miserable. Life also has good moments. Moments to be thankful for. Three weeks ago we've spent 10 days back in my home country (Portugal) and despite the fact that I didn't see all the people I'd like to see and got a few disappointments, I ended up having a good time with M, a few days of tourism and "rest" from cancer. Back in the country for a couple of days just to pack again to have my wish come true. An overnight stay in London and 2 tickets to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play. We have needed it so badly. Just the two of us. After the hard times that had been upon us, we are needing that time alone with no stresses from the outside world.

Relationships are not easy on a daily basis in a so called "normal life" now when you add the word cancer to it and the stretches of money and mind, only the strong ones can last. Still, you need to nourish that relationship, never take anything for granted. You're in this together and it's hard for you both. If one is going through it, the other one has to deal with the same fears as you plus the biggest one of all: losing you. Be kind. Be kind to your partner and your relationship. Do a lot of romantic things. It's so important to reconnect as many times as you can. Remember you love each other and tell each other everyday - because there will be moments you'll want to bite each other's heads off. Love is a funny and beautiful thing!

This is the reason why this break was important to us and we'll be forever grateful there is charities that provide a stress free experience to people that are in need of it. Don't know if Willow Foundation know how important and how much of a difference they have made. They took all the stress of money and planning out of my hands and it actually felt good because things flew by so naturally and smoothly.

Sorry for being missing in action but the top floor is in need of attention and I'm working on it. Have therapy booked for this week so fingers crossed. - The top floor is my head by the way for who's wondering...

For the ones that follow me on Facebook, I'm giving up that social network for the time being as it wasn't bringing anything good to my mental health.

"Do not give your past the power to define your future"

P.x

The End - The New Beginning - Day 282

2018-01-17T15:37:00.003-08:00

Today was my last radiotherapy treatment.

The LAST treatment.

And after 292 days, it's over!

Now can we even begin to comprehend what just happened. Where have those 292 days gone?

So much rush and fighting to get to the end of the tunnel and where did we get to? The emptiness of an uncertain future. We still remember the day that we went to the hospital the first time to check a lump we were sure it was something silly and simple. The day we cried ourselves to sleep.

Radiotherapy wasn't a walk in the park for me. It was an unpleasant experience that drained me emotionally. I can't even compare with chemo or surgery, they were all unpleasant and horrendous. But my expectations about radiotherapy were that it would be "fine" compared to the other two. From my point of view, it wasn't "fine". Tears came out of my eyes every time I was laying on that table and felt miserably down every single day. M had a copious amount of patience that I could never thank him enough for it - believe me when I say I'm a terrible patient and a miserable cow when I'm depressed - Not everyone's experience is the same, but this was mine and I was not ready for it. So if you are about to have radiotherapy, please get yourself ready for it all - The good, the bad and the evil.

The cancer is gone! Chemotherapy, surgery and my - damn stubborn - attitude got rid of it, radiotherapy was just a preventive measure to make me live longer and healthier(?). According to the health professionals, the word remission doesn't exist anymore, from now I'm NED - No Evidence of Disease - and we hope that it carries on as it is.

I'm so happy this is over, no more injections, no more scans, no more trips to the hospital, no more waiting rooms, no more radiation. No more, until the year check up, or until I panic about my scar tissue, or until I feel insecure. Realistically, this is not completely over, only a small part of it. My scars are still here, still healing, my breast is still slightly misshaped, my skin is still red/purple from radiation and will be sensitive for the rest of my life, and my arm is still at risk of lymphoedema.

We can't pick up where we've left off like people say, as I'm sure we're not the same people that we were in 31th March 2017. We're battered and bruised and scarred. From now we have to find a new normal, and that's scary. I'm scared of living in fear, but looking forward to have some control over my life. Grievance is something 'm learning to deal with every day and will be part of my new normal. So please we just ask you yo be patient while we adjust.

Thank you all for being part of this journey with us and for believing that this unicorn would find the other side of the rainbow.

How many of us would love a fresh start? A new beginning?

This story is not over. It's only just beginning.

"Like how a single word can make a heart open, I might only have one match but I can make an explosion"

P.x

Night Time Tears

2018-01-09T03:50:00.000-08:00

For a week I've had this "lump" on my throat that puts me on a verge of crying. And I do sometimes. And I feel guilty, and sad, and anxious and depressed.

I feel lucky because my type of cancer has a cure, but I have a dreadful fear of it coming back, now that I approach the end of my treatment I get scared that things go out of control.

Then I feel guilty for crying, for feeling sorry for myself and thinking my life is crap when there's so many people in a worse situation than mine.

That's when sadness comes. for the other fighters out there that are facing those fears everyday and don't know when and if it's ever gonna end.

Then I feel grateful for living another day, for breathing, for being able to hug M every morning and hear that he loves me more than the day before. Such small little things to be so so grateful about.

Have you stopped and thought today? What are you grateful for?
Even if you're just grateful for getting out of bed, that's ok, that is a great victory.

P.x

Perfect Little Moments

2017-12-22T10:59:00.002-08:00

Life is not perfect but you can obtain perfect little moments out of it.

Let's start with the beginning of the week, when my radiotherapy started - It will be easy they said. The easiest part of the treatment they said - But it wouldn't be my treatment if it didn't have a hiccup on the easiest part. Three weeks ago, when I had my radiotherapy tattoos done, my body was still very tense and uncomfortable laying on the CT table with my arms up. Now with almost full rage of movement, the way my arms go behind my head is different and consequently more relaxed body. Apparently having a relaxed body in this situation is not good as the measurements then didn't match. The 20 minutes I was promised turned into 1 hour. My good arm went numb twice and they had to pause for recovery. The big boss had to come along eventually to authorise the treatment - one more pair of eyes on my boobs. Nice! lol - All of this made me panic just for a moment and almost cried but everyone was focused on my boob and no one noticed - Phew!
The rest of the week went quite smoothly, barely waited, almost in & out, only time for a quick pic in the changing room.

So far this week of radiotherapy has been localised, focused on the place where the tumour was. My skin is starting to change. Colour and texture on the inside. I could go a bit further and say my boob is even more misshaped - but only very slightly, only noticeable to my eyes - For the last 3 days - I didn't know it before - I've been applying an ice pack before and after to cool down the skin and prevent the burning. Have been applying cream three times a day, but only milky lotions for radiated skin. So far so good though.

Radiotherapy doesn't hurt and I don't feel it. Although there was a day that I could swear my boob was tingling inside whilst the radiation was on - although might have just been my brain making it up.
Now I get to rest and enjoy 4 days with no radiotherapy and Christmas with some of the family.
Apart from radiotherapy everyday something else happened: My birthday! I'm 31 now and I can probably tell that in one year I've aged about 5 years. Wiser and older I'll carry on smiling through the path that life gave me as there's no other way of facing it.

M, though, thought the "wise and old" needed some more reasons to celebrate.
After what was for both of us a year of hell, with so many emotions involved, he stood beside me without blinking or stumbling, carrying a "burden" that I could never imagine. So on the 20th December, M got down on one knee and made me the happiest girl alive.

My hero, my rock, my best friend, the love of my life.
The day he made my life perfect. That perfect little moment forever engraved in my heart. No matter how much crap life throws at us, he wants to stay by my side through thick and thin, to love and to hold. And so do I. So I said YES!
I'm beyond excited. For a perfect moment I forgot I had cancer and everything felt so good and normal.

There is no better way to finish off what it seemed to be the worst year of our lives, but also the most enlightening. We are now engaged, and although he will always be my partner, I've officially upgraded M to Fiancé. May the force be with us! (Just for all the Star Wars fans out there that went to see the episode VIII)

I might have put this quote here before but still very true...

"Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations"

P.x

Overwhelming Thoughts - Post Surgery Update

2017-12-15T04:35:00.000-08:00

A little update

I haven't done updates for a while. Christmas has crept up on me and made me feel overwhelmed with a bunch of things that I'd like to share as they are building up on my chest.

I love Christmas and always have, December is my favourite month because my birthday celebrations happen too. Although this year I've been trying to keep busy and do a bunch of things that I've never been able to do while at work because of time and now I'm all prepared for what it looks like a "perfect Christmas" I feel a little bit down every day - there might be another reason for this that I'll explain in a moment - I'm definitely trying to snap out of it and be thankful for what I've got but there's a lot of times that I'm focusing on what I don't have. I'm thankful for having an amazing partner that is sticking with me through thick and thin, my mum that is always on the other side of the phone when she's not making all the efforts to be here by my side, my dad who just came to visit me after not seeing me for 4 years - old grudges got in the way, but peace is made with the past now - my whole family that are on the other side of the video chat, and M's family that are constantly worried about me. Friends are definitely who I miss most this time of the year. Unfortunately everyone is busy or in another country because that's what Christmas is all about: going home and see your family. Now this is where cancer wins a little bit. I won't be able to have my friends/family annual reunion that is now a tradition, and wrongly I feel slightly jealous of everyone that is able to do it and don't appreciate it fully. Don't get me wrong, I'll be spending Christmas surrounded by M's family and my mum and I'm very thankful for it - I just wanted a bit more, that bit more that I have every year that won't be able to have this year, that's all.

I just want you all to be thankful and appreciate the people that are near your this holiday season, don't waste your time with arguments, tell people you love them and swallow whatever pride you have and make contact with that person you haven't spoken to for years. Life is too short.

Now back to the update. Guess what is not pleasant and is back in my life? - Yes, you're right, my period!
I'm sorry for oversharing, but this made me happy for a day or two, and sharing is caring! I'm not happy about it anymore and it can go again - lol - Never thought it would come back this early. It was exactly two months after I finished my Zoladex injections. It's a good sign because it means that I'm not menopausal - yay - but I'm not sure about my fertility yet, will have to check this with the doctors. Basically I think all those feelings I'm having might have to do with my hormones being all over the place too, my body is getting used to "normality" again.

About my post surgery recovery, everything is going well, have been discharged from the physiotherapy and the range of movement is getting better every day, I push it a bit more everyday. The scar tissue under my arm and on my breast are crazy big - looks like I've got a lump similar to the tumour and every day when I touch it doing the cream massage - I panic just a little bit and then tell myself that is scar tissue and it should be fine. I'm letting myself start the radiotherapy and see if it changes and might contact someone at the hospital at the beginning of the year just in case.

Scars are doing well I just hope radiotherapy doesn't change them. This picture was taken in the morning before applying the cream - greasy hands and greasy skin are not photo friendly. I've noticed that the scars are needing 3x more cream than the body, but it's winter and skin dries more anyway. I've been using these two products on my scars, and so far I'm happy. I've got another two lined up for radiotherapy and I can see that will need to moisturise 5 times a day to avoid peeling skin.

Hair is growing - slow-fast - but I'm preparing another post about it.

"Be grateful when things are going your way, be graceful when they're not."

P.x

Forgive Your Past

2017-12-06T01:38:00.001-08:00

Guess what?

Five years ago I was a scary little mess flying to an unknown country, to live and work with strangers and embrace a whole new culture. Every year I get to this day and look back on what I have achieved so far in those conditions. Not everyone is strong enough to live family and friends behind, or 25 years of a "took for granted" life. - But I did, with not one single regret. - I could say it's been hard at times, that I cried so much at the beginning, that had been times that I would go back home every month because I couldn't stand the distance. However it's also been the time that I've accomplished my professional dreams and created a new family. Although all of that is true, it doesn't seem to be the main thing that pops up in my mind on the 6th of December.

I've got cancer... or I had it. According to the papers I've got with me, they say there's no evidence of disease but as this is not over yet, I still feel like something is still wrong inside.

It's December, my favourite time of the year, and I'm pooing my pants with the unknown. Radiotherapy will start soon and it will be 1 year that day that I haven't been "home". Remember when I said I used to go every month? Tough luck.

On the other hand, being in this country for five years made me create the roots I needed, made me meet extraordinary people build up my support system and my new family. So for some reason, I feel that all of this was meant to be. In this exact time, with these exact people I wouldn't be able to do it without. They for sure know who they are.
Ever wonder when someone enters your life how special they are going to be? Yeah me neither, but now I tend to pay more attention to who stays and who goes.

As many cons cancer might have, the biggest pro was making me aware of regrets and grudges. The way it changed my view of people and life in general. How it made me forgive and perhaps store the grudges in a little box on the back of my head.

So today I'd like to take a minute - just the one as I've got a busy day ahead - to reflect on how "lucky" I can consider myself for having the right ones around me.

If I could pass a message on today would be forgive your past. (She says as she's about to pick her dad up from the airport after years of barely no contact)

So now, 6th of December, you too have changed from a reflection on the immigration day to reflection on life day.

P.x

Stumble and Raise

2017-11-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

It's 2am and I can't sleep.

Haven't had insomnia like this for a long time.

Stress is the reason for it.

I'm bringing this on myself. How could I even think I'd be able to do so much in a week. Perhaps I thought I could fit it all just because I rested plenty for 3 weeks. Or because I just had enough of feeling useless and now need some sort of feeling of achievement.

Recovery is going well, or at least I think so. Physiotherapist will let me know in the morning... and the CT I couldn't do last week for lack of arm movement, they better do it tomorrow or I might just throw a tantrum.

Post surgery is being harder than I expected. Can't tell exactly why, but not dealing well with my uselessness. It's a depressive state on top of frustrating pain/ache and inadequate arm movement for the last month.
Scars are healing but they're still raw. The pain - that in all fairness gets better every day - is there to remind me of the process. Taking off my clothes reminds me I had cancer. Getting my breakfast off the high shelf in the morning reminds me I had surgery. Not be able to lay on my side at night reminds me that my life will never be the same again.

I feel selfish thinking of myself this way as there's so many people going through worse. I just wish no one had to go through any of this.

We struggle, we stumble and we fall. But we also raise. And we raise to be better, better human beings, better souls. Respect to all of us fighting and all the fighters that fought one day. Winning or winning (I don't believe there are any losers) we all should be very proud of the great human beings we are for enduring such a hard journey.

UPDATE:

Physiotherapy this morning went well! Apparently I'm doing really well even though I doubt myself every day. The full movement of the arm should be back in 2-4 weeks and so I hope.

CT was finally done and now I've got new ink on my body. The dots they've made - one in the middle and one on each side of the breasts were accurately measured so they align with the lasers to do the radiotherapy exactly in the right place.

P.x

Feeling Lucky

2017-11-21T17:33:00.001-08:00

Today I feel lucky.

I'm not saying that I am lucky, but I feel fortunate.

Having almost won a battle against cancer does not make me lucky. Although having cancer was out of luck - a very bad luck - this sort of diagnose is very unfortunate. The fact that I fought and came out the other end with a few scars and bad memories still doesn't make me lucky. Not me or anyone with a similar diagnose and outcome.

Life is so unfair sometimes and not everyone has the same outcome. Some people don't come out with just a few scars, some people don't come out at all. And that breaks my heart. That is the only reason why I feel lucky.

I feel lucky because I made peace with my past, I started speaking to people I had long stop speaking to, I became more forgiving, my family and M found a strength they didn't know they had.
Cancer showed me the ones worth having by my side, brought me a new bunch of friends, a new perspective in life and made me reflect on things I never considered before.
I feel lucky because I still have a life ahead of me, a lot of memories and mistakes to be made and risks to be taken.
Even if today I didn't enjoy it, and left it til tomorrow, I feel lucky enough to have tomorrow.

Then I feel sad, devastated, angry, furious because not everyone is allowed to feel lucky. Not everyone has a family or friends to support them, not everyone finds their strength and sometimes cancer scores before they are able to.

Cancer. What a horrible thing to feel lucky about.

P.x

Post Op Week - We Celebrate!

2017-11-13T09:30:00.002-08:00

The first post op week was quite intense.

The weekend at home was spent with a fair amount of painkillers that were leaving me either drowsy and with reduced appetite - well I wouldn't really mind the second if it wasn't a borderline sickness - so basically I had mum and M to do everything for me - great deal actually! This teaches us so much in life, is teaching me to let go of certain things I'd get up and do and that are not that important. Just put it this way: if you had to ask a stranger to do you that favour, would you ask them, or would that be asking to much out of someone? If it would it's because it's not important, and you can leave it till tomorrow or the next day when you're able to do it. Don't overdo yourself! - Just a random life advice from the one that has been sitting on a sofa getting annoyed at the things she can't do rather than getting happy with the things that she's able to.

Back to Monday when I went to take my drain out - I'd already reduced the painkillers the day before to half of it as I was not liking the constant "high" feeling - I had to load the system with the strong stuff. Ready for "battle" and expecting a lot of pain, turned out taking the dressing and the little stitch was the worse of it; then what it felt like a worm inside my body coming from the top of the chest lined up with the armpit then all the way down by the side of the chest towards the line of the bra, came out and it felt empty - no extra pain, just empty. After that no more horrible painkillers.

On Tuesday started the exercises the physiotherapist sent through the post in a leaflet form. They turned out very difficult to do at first just because the swelling was painful and in the way making impossible to lay my arm down along my body. I panicked as the fluid collection increased since I had the drain removed. After a "consultation" with the Tits - just in case I never mentioned here, the Tits are a WhatsApp group I belong too with a few very experienced ladies and a gentleman that have been/are going through the same nightmare that is breast cancer - the fluid collection was all normal to have after surgery and I shouldn't panic too much.

And I'm glad I didn't as the next day I swear I've noticed a slight improvement, and perhaps this was so exciting that made me show off to M's family a little bit on all the arm movements I was already able to do - I could even reach my bra to undo it... proud Patty!

Oh how naive I was! Who wants to guess what happens next? Yes - Pain!

I'm gonna call it #painbackthursday. The day I woke up in so much pain that seemed like I just had surgery again. I don't know if it was the extra movement the day before, the lack of resting (as we went out for lunch) or a bad sleeping position - or all of the above - but surely something did it. It made me feel I was back to square one with panikillers - that I refused to take till the afternoon because I just hate the way they make me feel - and no, there's no others I can take unfortunately.

Friday woke up slightly better and went out for a walk just to keep the joints moving - yes I still have my joint aches that were a bit masked by all the painkillers for the first few days - and it felt good, had to be slowly, but good. I've attempted my DIY distraction just to keep me busy and distracted. Finally finished my cutie unicorn and started some Christmas decorations - Yay, Christmas is coming!!!! The most wonderful time of the year - and managed the whole day without pain relief. Although my luck was not at it's best that day. In the morning I realised I didn't have a letter for my appointment on Monday, - the one the surgeon told me someone would book me - I rang the hospital and got upset with someone that almost told me it was my fault that I should have booked it myself and had to wait until Monday - the actual appointment date - to find out if they could fit me in last minute. Not happy with this and crying my eyes out again - as Monday's appointment meant checking the wounds and take the dressings out - asked help again to my dear experienced Tits that directed me to book with the surgeons secretary instead - Hallelujah, it was finally sorted. Now fast forward to the evening when I decided to have a nice hot shower and wet my under arm dressing - F***. I did put 2 extra tape to prevent water from getting in, you can tell it didn't work... - Panic again. What do I do? What would I do if it was someone else? Why does my nurse brain go blank when I get myself in panicking mode? I've got dressings, so let's change it - not before a complete flap and a few tears. - Mum helped me to do the best clean dressing we could do. And breath... we're ok now.

Did I speak too soon? Probably! The pain was worse again on Saturday morning, a lot of tears waking up - I'm starting to see a pattern here - but this time stopped being stubborn and took painkillers in the morning and saved myself extra suffering and ended up having a better day. Went shopping, bingo and dinner with friends - Zombie/drowsy mode was on while shopping but it was all good, just meant I had to sit down a couple of times. - and the day ended up way better than it started despite none of us win any money at bingo...

Sunday-Funday we went out to a Christmas market - this makes me very happy - but being in the middle of so many people didn't help. Had a couple of elbows and shoulders against my arm that made me jump in pain. The car rides over lumps and bumps have been annoying me too, so we had a very grumpy Patty for a couple of hours but nothing that a family lunch/dinner and a couple of paracetamol can't cure.

Monday arrived today, bringing with it a beautiful sky and great energies. I had the kindness of S that gave mum and me a lift to the hospital for what it was a 'take my dressings away and let me see my boob day'! And something I was not fully expecting: Results.
Out of the 8g of breast tissue with 3mm of clear margins and the 9 lymph nodes removed, lab results show that I had a 'Pathologic Complete Response' - meaning no cancer present on the lump or the lymph nodes they removed - Chemotherapy and positive attitude wiped cancer away from me!

I KICKED CANCER'S ARSE! F*CK YOU CANCER!

Due to this pathologic complete response the prognosis for the future looks great and the recurrence on my situation is around the 6% chances. The scaring is very neat and it's the best we could ask for. All good news.

The journey is not over yet as I still have to recover from this surgery that has given me a useless arm that needs rehabilitation to get the muscles working and stretching again without pain and radiotherapy as a preventive measure for recurrence.

Most importantly, today is World Kindness Day, I mustn't forget to remind you - lol - to be kind to one another, always.

"Be someone's sunshine when their skies are grey"

P.x

Post Op Blues

2017-11-12T15:15:00.005-08:00

Thoughts

Noise, people talking - open my eyes. There's a nurse on the desk right in front of me. I've got an oxygen mask on my face - 35% venturi do I need all of this?
What time is it - look around the room to find a clock - 12:15... been in there for a while.
How much did they take? - look down my top to see a bunch of dressings but still got some of my breast.
Do I have a catheter? - I wanted to go toilet before surgery but don't feel like it now. Did they put one in and take it out? - Feel my underwear - feels untouched... weird.
Pain!
Pain! Panic because I'm in pain. Panic because I'm out of surgery and it's over. Hyperventilation 35rpm - cardiac monitor starts beeping and nurse comes to me.
Blood pressure 149/85 - I see a bit of panic on the nurses face and hear in his voice as he checks on me: Are you ok? Are you in pain? - I nod. "I'll get you some morphine" he says. I nod again. Tears were already rolling down my eyes and the nurse wiped them and told me to calm down the pain would go away soon. It wasn't just pain... was panic and fear and pain and stress..
Then I see a familiar face. A came to visit me. Tears roll down my eyes without me being able to hold them. Maybe it was happiness because I wasn't alone and then the panic and anxiety again...
Then the nurse topped up with a bit more morphine and felt weird up my arm... itching. Soon it went. Then the mask started to be uncomfortable on my face and I scratched.

Then I gained my voice again.

"Can I take this mask off? It's very unconfortable." - Little did I know that was the start...- just the very beginning of a frenzy and continuous scratch on my nose - Oh my word! - For the next 3 hours I just couldn't stop scratching. After an X-ray to check if my portacath had been removed completely - apparently the line was cut but there was no record of how much - I was finally taken to the short stay surgical unit where my family and friends were already waiting for me - worrying for the length of time that took them to bring me over.

For the red itchy nose - Rudolph - I had to ask for an anti histamine, and I was hungry... Sickness? None! Woo hoo! For that they decided I was worthy a menu to choose dinner that evening... erm... And then I was sick! - Did you realise I mention I wasn't sick? I really wasn't - The most weird feeling I've ever had in my life. One moment I was looking at a food menu and the other I was grabbing a bowl because some weird twist in my stomach brought up all the water I had drunk - Oh dear! Funny, but weird - So then I carried on reading the list! I was really hungry but now willing to wait for dinner. Better than that, all that hunger in me and the 20 hours I was without eating, I only managed a bowl of soup, leaving the mains and dessert - for later.

All my concerns about the catheter - that they didn't put in...phew! - made me think that I'd probably needed the toilet, but for some reason there was no signs, until I pressed my bladder - Oh that feels very full! - I'm not going to lie, my first walk to the toilet was very dizzy and painful, glad mum was with me to help, at least I had someone to hold the stupid drain for me.

It wasn't until I got to the room after the op that I've noticed the extreme numbness on my fingers and thumb on the affected side. It was very very numb and almost painful (?) not sure how to explain - Do you know that feeling your arm gets when it's trapped in a position for a very long time? It was like that but a tiny bit worse because the feeling doesn't go away and it hurts - Then it wasn't just the hand, underneath my arm almost had the same feeling but I couldn't feel it at all, but was very sensitive to touch - although I couldn't feel it... it's just complicated!

Getting myself comfortable in bed would have been a nightmare with pillow adjustments if it wasn't for my V shaped pillow. That, my friends, is a must have! I can't begin to explain how much it made a difference to me. I'm a side sleeper and I can't stand sleeping on my back, and that definitely made my nights - and days - bearable.

After a night in hospital I was seen by the doctor and sent home with the drain - that I was not very happy with but rather out than in, the fluid I mean.

My fun week with drains and pains will come in another post... bear with me.

P.x

Wish Me Luck - Pre Op

2017-11-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day.

The day I've been fearing for the last few weeks.

So many mixed feeling and so much I didn't talk about to most people. I've not been "ok" as the words have been coming out of my mouth. I've been anxious and afraid of the operation and not dealing very well with it. But most of you might not understand that's why I say that "I'm ok" when people ask. I don't want you to feel like you have to say something about it, or give your opinions, or say that you "know someone that has been through the same". Everyone feels different about surgery and treatments and the experience is not the same to everyone. For me it's more than just a breast. It's more than just a scar. It's the reminder that cancer has been in my life. There's no reconstructive surgery that will take that away from me. I don't want to do it but I have to if I want to have the chance to live a few more years. I don't really have a choice. "But at least you're alive" - they say - and the only problem is I'll have to live with it - because I'm alive.

I've had my guide wire put in today and they had to repeat the mammogram 4 times (to check the insertion) as the tumour was at the very back of the breast and very difficult to get a "picture" from. The insertion itself wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. The local anaesthetic did it's job and only got to feel a small ache after a good few hours. The guide wire is basically something they put in and splits open on the tip and grips to where the tumour is/was so the surgeons know where to go when they open up the breast. - I'll leave a rough image of what it is - and the rest of the wire stays hanging out of my breast and then it's twisted inside a dressing just to stay in place until tomorrow. - I just hope it doesn't give me any pain over night.

So ladies and gents, it's the first day of the month again so here we are one more time to encourage you to check your breasts. Please spread it around as an early detection can save lives!

Wish me luck, please!

P.x

Bras and Boobs

2017-10-24T01:55:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went to my Pre Op assessment.

Anxious is not the word. I am in a right panic. Fell like crying and don't feel like eating. I don't want to have this operation - but I have to!

If you ask me exactly what I'm afraid of? I'm not sure I can precise exactly what it is. Is the fear of being put to sleep and leave my body in the hands of people I barely know and I have to trust with my life. Is the waking up and not having anyone I know next to me. Is the part of me that will be removed and the fact that I feel like I will never be the same again. The fact that reconstruction to make it better is still a long time and effort away and don't even know if it will be doable. Then there's the fact that I will have to get used to my new me and fit in new underwear.

I know a lot of people don't relate nor I expect everyone to, but I just hope people respect my feelings. I know I get to keep my breast tissue but I will feel as mutilated as having a mastectomy.
Having small breasts was always an issue in terms of self esteem. Now imagine that your better breast has to be reduced because cancer took over - How would you feel? How would you stand in front of the mirror after a shower? How do you stand again in front of your partner? - think about all that underwear you had before that would fit your better breast? Well, you can now bin that, I mean, apart from the fact that it won't fit you anymore - your boobs are now gonna be a stupid in between size cups - you'll have get used to boring wireless bras as a normal wired bra will hurt your scars.

This is all the thoughts that are going around my head. I know that this is just a stupid thought because - "At least you're alive" - it's my breasts and not bones and brain and liver and heart.

Cancer taught me not to judge. We all have our own battles and we all suffer in different ways, no problem is bigger than the other. Our perspective on things depends on how we look at them, and living with some sort of battle and/or fighting for your life makes you wonder about a lot of - that sounds stupid and irrelevant to other people but not to you - things.

So because all of this, for the last few weeks I've been bra hunting. It was needed to find a bra that was comfortable, that would fit my small boob and keep it held in place and not too loose, that would give support. The problem is, there is no such size to fit my small boobs unless it's made to order and cost £60 per bra. I'm not ready for that - but that's what I have to live with - so for now, lets just buy a few and hope one of them fits.

Today I have a bra fitting appointment in John Lewis - by some people that already told me by looking at me that I've been buying the wrong size of bra my whole life (errrmmm I'm pretty sure I haven't) - but we'll see how it goes.

P.x

Just a Fluff

2017-10-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was a celebration day!

It's only a little thing but made me feel way more excited than I probably should, so I'd like o share it with you too.

I have wet hair! How exciting is that? My hair has grown enough to get wet! It's only a tiny bit of hair and still very patchy but it's hair and made us laugh - we do laugh at silly things like hair! What is not to laugh about.

My eyebrows and eyelashes are almost nonexistent. I'm almost pro at filling eyebrows now - I'm a bit of eyebrow freak for the ones that don't know - if there's something I can't leave the house without is my eyebrows. Its just makes such a difference and I look a complete different person - specially if I look back to pictures from January.

Also, Tuesday was my first day of exercising. Went for a - very - long walk with S - my phone recorded 7km and that's a hell of a lot for a first time. Since then I've been walking every day for a good 30min and muscles have been aching again - which is good. Apart from the fact that my feet are still feeling weird and ache more than they should but I will persevere because this chemo weight needs to go - has been here for way too long.

I've noticed that some of the swelling from steroids/chemo has gone - but not all of it unfortunately. Eating healthy - well... having M making me eat healthy - has definitely made a difference and thankfully I didn't put as much weight as I imagined. Still have to live in my gym clothes and two pairs of jeans - the only ones that fit me - and jumpers because it's the only thing that goes with trainers - the only thing I'm able to wear at the moment as feet swelling and aching is still a thing. - I don't feel like vitamin B6 given by the oncologist is doing anything to be honest but I'll still take it.

I'm so so glad chemo and injections are over. They were definitely my worst nightmare. Sometimes I stop to think about these last 6 months of my life and how quick they have gone but how slow some of the days were too. Some of them I remember so vividly like it was yesterday and some of them are just a blur but I'm glad to think that better days are finally coming and I can't wait.

"Your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does."

P.x

"Dear Cancer Love Victoria"

2017-10-13T18:23:00.003-07:00

Last Sunday I've met a very inspiring woman.

Victoria Derbshire

She's a journalist and a breast cancer survivor! She's wrote a book/diary of her journey and she's now inspiring so many of us. There was tears and laughter in that book presentation but everything was so real. Seeing someone with that kind of strength makes me want to be even better and push my limits. If she managed to do it why shouldn't I?

I was so glad I met Victoria, that professional diary writer, that was kind enough to listen to my story and ask questions about me, humble enough to ask if her speech wasn't too harsh. Victoria is also giving all her profits from the book to charity. One of them being YouCan.
This charity has helped so many of us and has so much to offer. I am so glad they took me under their wing and do everything they can to make me feel better.

Going out and do things is a big thing for me lately. I feel like my comfort place is at home and everywhere I go I feel like I don't belong there or feel uncomfortable and in a rush to come back to my safe place. I do still force myself to go out because that is not me, I'd be the one very excited to go on a London trip and the fact that I cried before I went is not a good sign. I don't know if it's because I feel conscious that people look at me because I'm a baldie or because clothes don't fit me and I'm not very glam, or it's probably just in my head and I'm just not comfortable with myself.

I don't think surgery will help with any of this as the idea of taking away a part of myself goes around in my head over and over again. I just hope I don't get more conscious of my body than I already am. I do admire all of you ladies that come out bravely after your surgeries no matter how your breasts look to you in the mirror. It's such a personal thing and it's part of our femininity.
To all the ones that keep trying to say "it's just a breast", "at least you'll get rid of cancer" that's not really the case. It's MY breast and cancer will always be a part of my life - so will that wonky breast and those scars to remind me. It's something I'm going to lose not being my fault. So please don't judge me or anyone that might cry because their breasts are wonky or too small or whatever they struggle with.

"Don't let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace"

P.x

Awareness Above All

2017-10-01T14:16:00.002-07:00

Welcome October!

And apart from being the first day of the month, it's Breast Cancer Awareness month!

Today it's been 6 months since I've had my lump checked and heard those awful words: "It doesn't look good" that made my heart sink.
Six months that so much happened that made me grow as a person and appreciate every bit of life that we have.

I want to make people aware that cancer will be part of your life one day. It might be you, your friend, your mum, your dad or children. I don't wish any of this to happen to anyone but the truth is, you can't run away from it. So let's face it! Let's learn with it, let's learn how to fight it and deal with it.
I've learnt that cancer brings more people together than drives apart, that brings kindness to people's hearts and forgiveness above all.
If cancer invaded your life as it has invaded mine, take it in, and fight it. It will make you stronger, it will make you a better person. We don't know where our life journey will take us, so, enjoy each day as if it's the last and don't waste your time with hate and grudges. Love and be kind.

But in the mean time: Check your Breasts! Check your partner's breasts! Tell your children and your parents to check their breasts! - Yes, male are included in this - (They are great things to hold on to - lol)

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference"

P.x

The last round - 8/8! Finally

2017-09-26T02:17:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I had my last chemo!

The last! Finally!

After been delayed twice due to my horrible cold and mess up with appointments, I've finally done it. It has been an extremely anxious two days before chemo and I didn't want to talk much about it as I was dreading all the feelings, the happiness/sadness and mental numbness. - Yes I felt all of that.

Although it should be a happy moment, it's an ok moment for me and this is still half way.

On the other hand, this horrible fase of my life is finally over. There's still a lot to come, a lot of worrying in my head, but chemo that made me feel miserable, is out of the way. Inside I'm thrilled, but outside I'm only relieved a little bit. M is the same, we know the worse part is behind us but the fight is not over yet.

To all the fighters out there, hang in there, it might seem the end of the world, but you can do it, we all can! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And in the end it will be worth it. Thank you so much to all of you that made me believe all of the above and always believed in my success through the worst time of my life.
To the ones that will never understand, please be kind, be kind to one another, you never know what battles people are fighting.- If I wear a wig and makeup and I'm not able to climb a flight of stairs or walk up a hill I get looked at, because I look young and look "normal" and you're older than me, you have no idea of what I'm struggling with. - Be kind, always. Aim to do something nice for someone every day. Be thankful for what you have.

I am thankful every day for the people I have in my life and the right people I managed to keep close. They're definitely the ones that matter. I'm thankful for being alive one more day and be able to get out of bed and smile, see M smile. Thankful for having two loving families and two countries I can call home. Thankful for being able to do so many things by myself and I fight for it every day.
Chemo, you might have destroyed my body buy haven't destroyed my will power.
I'm not gonna lie that I had an awful load of bad days that getting out of bed and get dressed was a mental struggle, but there was more days that the struggle was overcome by the mind. I must confess that for a lot of meet ups with friends I didn't feel like going or felt confident enough to fit in some baggy clothes - weight gain is a big issue (see what I did there? lol) - but I did it, just because I knew I had to do it, because if I didn't that wouldn't be me.
Cancer, you might have changed my body, you might have changed my life perspective, but you haven't changed me.

To all of you that are fighting a battle, my thoughts are with you. Most of all, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to cry, or shout, or not get out of bed if you have to. But then get up and fight, you're are always stronger than you think, and if you've come this far is because you can make it. In my opinion, things always happen for a reason and at the right time, just as a learning curve in life. Whatever it is and as much as it hurts, it will pass.

Lots of love too all of you!

"My scars tell a story, they are reminders that life tried to break me, but failed."

P.x

Back Before The Last

2017-09-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

I'm back!

After a few lumps on the road. I'm back.
I confess that before the laptop charger broke, I was not at my very best for writing, then when the laptop was working again, I came down with this horrible cold and spent the whole of last week in bed.

Trying to pick up where I left off last time - It's been almost a month!! - I've done round 7 of chemo and almost about to do round 8 - And LAST!!!!

The last round I had to take something for my anxiety. For some reason, I get to the 3rd lot of drugs and start developing a certain anxiety for going to hospital and have that poison injected in my blood. I know it's doing me good, but it's making me feel horrible - There's no winning. Well there is, but not the kind of winning I'd like!
Sitting there for 5 hours, doesn't help, and the fact that it drains the life out of me, doesn't help either. I keep hoping it gets better but it doesn't. I can't wait for chemo to be over - nasty horrible poison from hell!

Last week was extremely emotional for M and I again. We went back to the beginning for a while. Back to the same unit that we went on the 1st of April, with the same caring and compassionate Radiologist that we met the first time - and told us "it's not a normal lump" - for another reassuring scan to tell us "there's nothing there" - with a big smile on her face, opposed to my scared little girl face. Tears poured once again as the word surgery came up. It had been such a scary thought for me for a whole week. I'd been fretting that day so much. Meeting with the surgeon that saw me the first day and broke the news 10 days later brings back memories of what I don't want to go through again. Questions - millions - flood my brain, same with emotional pain. When you have something that threats your life the way cancer does, all you want to do is kill it once and for all. So, for a moment all I wanted was both breasts removed - get it all out before it comes back again. - but then you are told that it doesn't kill the chances down to 0% - and you think, what now?
First there's what you're most afraid of: Recurrence/Survival, Removing a part of you, Deformity.
- then -
There's 3 options:
Double Mastectomy - You loose both of your breasts - the ones you've known all your life and accepted as part of you - have them reconstructed just to be destroyed by radiotherapy and have deformed wonky boobs - The worst of your fears as you've always been so conscious about the appearance of your boobs. - Doesn't make recurrence chances 0% as they aren't able to eliminate every single breast tissue. They still remove a part of you. You won't be able to breastfeed ever again. You get a fresh start and a boob job.

One Sided Mastectomy - You loose the cancerous breast, have it reconstructed, won't ever look like the other one anyway after the reconstruction, will be deformed by radiotherapy and still doesn't make recurrence chances down to 0%. You'll still be able to breast feed with the other breast.

Lumpectomy - You only have a small part of your breast removed (where the lump was), - but you get to keep what's yours - get it reshaped with the fatty tissue left in there, it gets smaller than the other one - no one will notice but you will. It's still your breast and you're very judgemental - Radiotherapy will make it weird/wonky for almost a good part of a year and the recurrence is still not 0%. You might get 50% lucky and be able to breastfeed with the affected breast and the other breast.

No matter what I choose, it's never going to be what I wanted, it's never going to be good news, it's never going to be a good choice or a easy one. I would rather not have any of this done. Even though I've moaned about my boobs during the last 20 years, - who doesn't - I would rather not have them changed. Makes you appreciate yourself and what you have so much.
In that matter I don't have a choice anymore. One of the above options will have to happen if I want to survive.
Then they mention lymphnodes removal - and the scar is going to be even scarier than the one on your boob - and that it can cause lymphoedema - and the way they say it, makes it so scary your other half that is not a nurse thinks the worse and is afraid it will be permanent - Still, I'll have to stop carrying my hand bag on that arm, won't be able to lift any weights on that arm - shopping is going to turn out very difficult indeed as I carry everything with my left arm to leave the right hand do the browsing.

So all of this has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. And as if that wasn't enough, I've caught a nasty cold, spiked temperature and ended up having to spend a night in A&E to make sure it was nothing more than a cold. My bloods seem to be fine but I need to clear the symptoms 48hrs before having the last one. meaning that I won't have my last chemo tomorrow as expected but will have on Friday the 22nd - fingers crossed the cold will be gone by then.

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

P.x

Six Rounds Done - Two to Go!

2017-08-23T10:33:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was cycle 6.

Two more to go.

These rounds are going quicker than the others but I feel like I'm not moving forward. Still so much to go through, and every thing seems to frustrate me. I'm getting obsessed with stupid little things because my world is confined to one place and I have nothing else to worry about or any plans to look forward to - at least not until this ends.

My dose got reduced to 80% now to prevent the numbness getting worse and I'm now on vitamin B6 to help with it too - another tablet to take.

Last week I lost my best friend. I know a lot of people don't understand the love some of us have for our little fury friends, but for some of us they are part of our family and their loss hurts as much as a family member. This brought me down to square one emotionally.

Baking is not bringing me particular joy as before. Tried crochet a few weeks ago but had to undo the whole thing as didn't fit properly. Now I'm trying it again but not doing well with the stitch count. Feel like giving up on it but I know I shouldn't. I should persist until I get it right. It's just my frustration taking the best of me.

Sleepless nights are probably not helping. Last night only managed to sleep at 3am and as always a very broken sleep - probably didn't help the fact that I slept most of yesterday during treatment and a nap when I got home. But that anti-histamine completely knocks me out.

M and me had a lovely date night and we completely forgot to take pictures of ourselves to remind us of the good times - what a fail!

"We must have perseverance and most of all confidence in ourselves"

P.x

Five Rounds Down - Three To Go!

2017-08-14T16:58:00.003-07:00

One week post new chemo.

So far so good. (ish) - Fingers crossed, people, fingers crossed!

Back to chemo day, I felt anxious, but not as anxious as last time. Not sure if the NLP (as explained on the last blog) helped or if I was just less anxious because I knew it would be different - I'm gonna go with both - We knew it would be a long one too so we took food and lots to "play with" - Yes, first time I managed to eat while having chemo and not feel sick (I did make an effort as I've decided that chemo wasn't taking the best of me) - Unfortunately or fortunately I slept through the whole thing - I did wake up to go toilet and eat I confess! - But the pre-chemo drugs knocked me out completely, I could barely keep my eyes open. I felt sorry for M as he was "on his own" for a good part of it - He must love me! 💗- Four hours went by and I didn't feel sick! - Can you tell how big of a deal this is for me?

Day 2 post chemo started to feel the side effects. Woke up with numbness on my ring and little finger on my right hand - this can't be just it...last time started small and built up to a lot of symptoms.

Day 3 Oh THE numbness! That's what people were talking about. Mr Numb has taken over my hands, and feet, and I think perhaps some part of my legs... not quite sure, as now I don't feel much anyway... Do you know that weird feeling when you're holding hair clippers for a long time that your hand goes numb because of the vibration of it? That's exactly how my hands and feet feel all the time. Now, add a bit of fluid retention, mix it all in, and what do you get? Numb puffy feet! And now you ask: How are you supposed to walk? The answer is: With a smile on my face and a bunch of sarcastic smart answers. (Hunching, slowly, saying ouch for every other step - but smiling!)

Day 5 Think about all the things that I'm already feeling... - or not feeling, I haven't quite figured this out yet! - and add the injections that I cherish so much. Welcome ankle pain! Just because I knew you just wanted to make my life easier. Do you know what? I still don't care, because I'm not feeling sick - and getting high on codeine is a bit fun.

Now talking seriously, give me all the pain instead of sickness and I'll be happy. I'm not moaning - much - about the pain, just sharing the experience. It's not easy, but it's easier. At least from my point of view. Typing is rather strange as the feeling under my fingers is something new to me. I'm sure that I'm losing the sense of smell a little too. Sleeping has been my nightmare. The night of day two I had to sleep on the living room sofa to get my own space and ended up sleeping on my front for 2 hours, in the most weird position, but having the front of my legs against something was the only way to rest them. The next day made myself go for a 50min walk (pain or no pain) to get myself tired and perhaps relax the muscles enough, and it did work! Slept a whole 5.30 hours. The pain on my feet the next day was the worst... but totally worth it for a nights sleep!
And because I was in so much pain the next day, I've decided to up the game on the painkillers - as I was barely taking any...I do avoid them like the plague - Paracetamol was taken before bed together with the codeine - hoping for a good night sleep - 5 hours in, I woke up in my own personal paddling pool. Never thought one lady could sweat so much. Through to the mattress, through the covers - couldn't even flip them - Panic mode on! Not sure if it was a stupidly hot flush or if I spiked temperature. Had no energy the whole day, but could be dehydration, however temperature maintained itself stable, so I'm still trying to find out what happened.

Wow, now that I put this in words, this has been quite an eventful week!

Today, I went back to the hospital again, this time for something fun and exciting. However my stomach didn't feel the same for a few moments. On the way there, M was driving - which makes my brain available to wonder and overthink - I had this feeling of sickness that went away as I got there. Anxiety, my old friend, you're such a powerful mind gamer.

Look Good, Feel Better - So I did! Pampering session for the baldies! I now know how to apply eyeshadow and blush - I'm a little proud of myself - and have a bag full of goodies worth approximately £200. Not bad at all for a Monday!

"There is no passion to be found in playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."

P.x

Reality of The Brave

2017-08-07T02:42:00.001-07:00

Back to reality!

We've had a week off. Disconnected from the world. No social media, no phone during the day, only turning on at night for a couple of hours of catching up with friends and family.
It was so so nice. I'd love to do it again.
Although the sun wasn't out much - not that I can lay on it anyway - we are slowly learning how to dance in the rain!

The week before we went to Broadstairs for a week away we had another check up with the oncologist. Turns out the MRI shows my breast is clear of the tumour, there's only the margins left to be removed by surgery. With this, my case was discussed in this meeting between oncologists and nurses and they all decided that I should have the initial planned chemo: 4 of EC + 4 of Paclitaxel, meaning that I will start a brand new chemo this week! Some would say these are bad news, I'd say they are good! Despite the fact they are only doing this because the survival rates are better with the combination of the two instead of giving me the 6 doses of the first one (reacting good or not) but to me it's a bit more than that: it's saying goodbye to all the gastric complications the other chemo was bringing me. I was living in my own personal hell and not coping with it anymore. NLP seems to be doing it's job now. The week before holiday, along with my regular counselling and reflexology session, I had something called NeuroLinguistic Programming. I was developing anxiety related to chemo as my mind was associating it to all the side effects going around my body, so YouCan (the charity that has been helping me) suggested I had something else to help me and I do think it's working - although I might have been a bit sceptic about it, now I think I believe a little bit.
Now I'll be getting ready to face new symptoms - they say it's not so much gastric but more aches and pains, and I think I'm ok with it. I do believe aches and pains are more easy to manage than sickness and the fact that I can't even drink when I'm thirsty. It might be a bit scary not knowing what's coming, and having to re-learn new symptoms and deal with them but I feel strong and ready to face them - as long as it's not sickness. (Can you tell how traumatised I am from it?)

The week off made me think of a couple of hobbies I want to have, but I'm still trying to plan them appropriately. Seeing that I still have a few months ahead of me with chemo, surgery and radiotherapy, I really need a hobby that keeps my mind off of things - and yes, knitting might be one of them, typical right? Jigsaw puzzles might be the other one - I seem to be quite obsessed about finishing them no matter how hard they are - M even said I get quite bossy, and I kinda do! But about that, I'll keep you posted - still open to suggestions though.

Some people say that times like this we just want to forget, to get over them and leave them behind.
I think that we should never forget. If we had this put in our path, it's because there's a reason, we should never forget it, never leave it behind, but embrace it and always remember how it made you feel. Times like this make you grow and take a different perspective on life, and for that reason I chose to make it eternal. Estelle Thompson Photography helped us with it. Her energy gave us the confidence to be brave in front of a camera and make a sad situation in our lives into a fun and beautiful moment that we can look back and say: we've made it. There's 120 pictures that are so awesome and I'll leave a couple for you to see. E was an absolute Angel that showed up in our lives. Thank you so so much!

And I know I've missed the 1st of the month but it's never late to check your boobies!! Today might make a difference.

"Instead of seeing the rug being pulled from under us, we can learn to dance on a shifting carpet"

P.x