Candice Watters's Posts - Women Praying Boldly

Blog Changes Ahead

2009-08-19T20:40:57.181Z

s we prepare for the upcoming national broadcasts, it occurred to me that after nearly two years of blogging here, it's time for a blog face lift. You know, if blogs had faces. And as with a real face lift, I'm working to make this as seamless as possible!

The biggest part of the change will be moving the blog from Ning to Typepad. Though most of this change will be behind the scenes, changing our hosting service will mean a big change for our community.

A Central Gathering Place—Rather than having lots of small groups and individual blogs, we're going to shift into one large WPB group on Facebook. This will give everyone a central place to gather and connect and hopefully, make our conversations more engaging for more women and thereby, more fruitful (more on this to come).

More Integrated—Get Married is one of several projects I'm focusing on now. By moving this site to Typepad, I'll be able to more easily move between our several projects that include my other book (co-authored with Steve): Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies, and the Boundless Line blog (and Boundless.org webzine). I'm hopeful this will make it easier to blog more often and cover a few more topics, as well as make it easier for you to be involved in our other ministry efforts.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the changes as they roll out over the next two weeks leading up to the first broadcast on August 31. Feel free to email me.

Updates and Announcements

2009-08-04T19:48:22.750Z

esterday, Albert Mohler talked on his radio show about "The Case for (Early) Marriage," the Mark Regnerus cover story in this month's Christianity Today magazine. It's an exceptional article that, while sobering, offers much hope in the way of exposing the problem of extended singleness in such a visible and influencial place.

Being an avid Twitter user, I saw Dr. Mohler's tweet asking for callers so I figured it was worth a try to get through. And I did, on the first try. It was fun to talk to him on-air about the challenges facing single women in their desire for marriage, as well as the role men play in putting it off. You can listen to the whole show, including our conversation, here.

Monday, Boundless published, "Working Full Time as a Stay at Home Wife," my response to a woman who is nearly finished with her degree and about to get married. She's thinking about forgoing a full-time job to focus on her husband, her home, and her ministry, but she's wondering if that would be lazy or selfish. I guessed her question and my answer might stir up some controversy, and true to form, there's quite a debate over on the Boundless Line blog. You can join the conversation--95 comments and counting--here.

Finally, after a lull in book news, there are three Get Married interviews coming up that I wanted to let you know about.

Family Life Today -- Steve and I flew to Arkansas this past April to record interviews with hosts Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine. It was a lot of fun to see the FL studios in person and an added bonus, we got to visit some of our best friends while we were there.

We originally planned to discuss Start Your Family, but thankfully, they decided to add a session on Get Married, too! The Get Married interview will air first on August 31-September 1. You'll be able to listen to Steve and me talk about our dating days, as well as the challenges facing singles, and the active role God calls women to play in marrying well. This is a national show; for station info in your area, visit their website.

Focus on the Family -- This one followed on the heels of a lot of prayer. I was thrilled to get the call that Dr. Dobson wanted to talk about Get Married on air. Even better, he invited my good friend Carolyn McCulley to join, and together, with co-host John Fuller, we recorded three days of broadcasts about being single, hoping for marriage, trusting God and more. Also a national show, you'll be able to listen on your radio (station guide) or online. The show is slated to air October 12-14 (station guide).

Focus on the Family Weekend Magazine -- Part of the "Tough Questions" series, this conversation with host Juli Slattery also includes Lisa Anderson (host of the Boundless Show podcast) and a drop in from a few other single listeners. The interview, which aired earlier this year in two parts on the Boundless Show, will be spread over several Saturdays in November.

That's all for now. If you'd like a more efficient way to stay up-to-date with what's happening, you can follow me on Twitter.

What about Cosmetic Surgery?

2009-07-06T19:45:17.205Z

ast week I received an email from a man who is considering having his eyelids done. He is of Asian descent and is pondering the procedure, wondering if it might make him more attractive and thereby, more marriageable. That's the tough question I answer in today's Boundless Answers column.

He asks,

In my younger years, I often dismissed any type of cosmetic surgery (for both men and women). But then I kept hearing stories about how some (mainly women) were "much happier" after having cosmetic surgery done. For example, this one lady at my church had a stomach staple done a few years ago. She lost over 100+ pounds and has since been married for a couple of years. I don't believe that she's naive enough to deny that the surgery helped her find a mate....

If there are traits that make someone more desirable, is it sinful to pursue those? We tell both women and men to wear clothes that look good on them. Some men and women wear perfume/cologne in part attract the opposite sex. So even though surgery sounds extreme (which it is), I wonder why that should be taboo.

Want to know what I answered? You can read my reply here.

Holiday Reading

2009-07-03T19:50:45.645Z

ext to Christmas and Easter, Independence Day is my favorite holiday. I love the annual reminder that our freedom isn't free and that we have a rare history for which to be grateful. Steve and I started watching The Birth of Freedom last night and after we finish that, we're going to continue in our viewing of John Adams (it's amazing how long it can take us to watch a series these days!).

If you're looking for some good reminders of how precious liberty is--and how costly--both are excellent. I'd also recommend reading the Declaration of Independence (thanks to the LA Times for republishing it here). And if you can play some John Philip Sousa music while you're reading, all the better. (You can get free MP3 files of his marches played by the United States Marine Band here.)

The Power of a Prayer Partner

2009-06-09T02:21:56.343Z

guest post by Tabi Upton

lmost every Saturday, my walking partner and I meet at the local river walk and hike our way through its twists and turns for about an hour. It goes rapidly because we use it as a time to talk and catch up with each other’s life. When she’s not there, I usually opt for something less involved, or worse, no exercise at all.

There’s something about partnering that helps me. On this long and often difficult walk of singleness, I’ve found that the same principle applies. A few years ago God laid it on my heart to seek a prayer partner. Serendipitously, my friend Ayesha was looking also, and approached me with the idea of becoming mine. She and I had been friends since college, when we met on a semester long trip to Central America. She was great fun, and I marveled at her unique relationship with the Lord. She introduced me to creativity in worshipful dance and mystery in prayer. I found her down to earth and non-religious approach to God refreshing.

As our relationship grew, we began to share our hopes and dreams, failures, successes, and especially our desire for strong men of God to become our husbands. She told me about her faith chest, where items bought or acquired for marriage are stored as an action of faith before God. I created my own, dropping in a book or two, a man’s clothing item given me from someone who thought I was already married, and wedding magazines.

Whenever I share a shameful story of failure or weakness, Ayesha never judges me; she simply encourages me to keep trying. Not only that, she always has my back. Once when she visited my home, a harmless yet slick neighbor we called “Gator” was trying his best to get me to come talk to him alone. Ayesha stood giggling beside me, pretending to misunderstand his cues for her to exit and give us privacy, she quietly refused to leave my side. He finally gave up and walked away while we entered the house laughing like girls. She’s even boldly called to check on me when I’m spending time with male friends she knows I may have trouble setting boundaries with. She gently but consistently keeps me accountable by reminding me who I am and whose I am.

Today, we commit our requests to God on a weekly basis. When my faith falters, she continues to model her trust in the good things our Father will one day bring into our realities. In return I enjoy offering back her gifts of friendship and sisterhood.

I am better because of her. We all need an “Ayesha” in our lives to push us along, laugh and cry with us—someone to bundle our supplications up with and send them on to Heaven.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9,10).

Two are better than one. Even when you’re single.

Welcome, Kelly's Korner Readers

2009-06-03T20:17:59.935Z

f you're visiting here from Kelly's Korner, Welcome! We hope you'll look around and maybe even jump into a conversation or two. We're a community of women encouraging each other to risk hoping for marriage, confident that we serve a God who's still in the business of making good matches!

And if you're a regular and wondering who Kelly is, and why her readers are stopping by today, I'll tell you. It's a great privilege to be featured today on one of the fastest-growing, popular mom blogs, Kelly's Korner. Before Kelly had her baby daughter Harper, and before Harper spent the first weeks of her life in the NICU, Kelly spent a decade waiting to get married. Then she and her husband dealt with infertility. And then they spent weeks waiting to take Harper home from the hospital. This woman is no stranger to delays.

Not one to get her "ring-by-spring," Kelly has a heart for other women who are still single beyond their expectations. She even has a prayer blog especially for single women. (It's coupled with her prayer list for women waiting to be moms.)

If you follow me on Twitter, then you already know this. But if not, here's the scoop: Kelly is giving away two copies of Get Married today. All you have to do to enter the contest is leave a comment on her blog post, here.

Eww!

2009-05-26T12:24:48.000Z

ome things just aren't worth doing to find a husband. Kissing this guy, for example.

We saw him at the zoo this weekend during a brief break in the rain.

Insights for Marrying Well

2009-05-26T14:42:34.679Z

r. Brad Wilcox, one of the top family scholars in America, answered some questions from Steve about how couples go about forming families today and the role parents, pastors and mentors can play in supporting them.

In the midst of his wise comments, he had this to say:

"Paradoxically, couples who understand that marriage is about many different goods in life (not just an intense emotional relationship) are more likely to enjoy a happy, lifelong marriage than couples who see marriage through a soulmate lens."

To read the whole interview, go here.

Can You Pray Away Your Sex Drive?

2009-04-27T16:16:55.450Z

ust because societal norms are to marry later (whether due to personal choice or due to circumstances in this fallen world — the latter being my situation at present), doesn't mean our God-given sexuality is delayed along with the marriage plans. So how do we deal?"

That's what one reader asked me for this week's Boundless Answers. It's a question I suspect all Christian single women ask, whether out loud or just in their own heads. I know I did. So what's the answer?

Here's a bit of what I wrote,

I'm not sure it will do any good to ask God to take away your biological urges. After all, He created you to have them, and to have them for a purpose. Your biological promptings are linked to God's design. Your digestive system gives you hunger pangs to let you know your body needs more fuel. Your nervous system prompts you to remove your hand from hot appliances. Your sexual desires can be manipulated in many ways, but at their core, they are designed by God to prompt you to be united in the one flesh union of marriage.

You can read my full reply here. (And please do send your questions to editor@boundless.org for future columns.)

There's Always Room for Improvement

2009-04-24T18:54:55.572Z

hysical beauty shouldn't be the main focus in your search for a spouse. I've said it so many times (here, here, and here) that I think it's safe to shift gears for a minute. Beauty's not the main thing. But it is something. And to that end, there's always room for improvement.

Consider the difference some tweezers, a little color and a few new clothes can make. (It doesn't even have to be a real Burberry scarf.)

I suspect it's the contrast provided by a homely spinster opening her mouth and singing like an angel that has moved so many millions to watch the YouTube clip of Susan Boyle's performance. Not sure if Boyle's new look will help her in the Britain's Got Talent competition. Or hurt her. But dreams of singing stardom aside, I can't help but think that where dropping the spinster label is concerned, her new look is a plus.

When "Just Friends" is Just Poison

2009-04-23T22:53:47.448Z

n this week's Q&A for women I answer a question from a reader who says her heart is increasingly drawn toward two men who explain that they want to be "just friends." Should she hold out hope, or move on?

Here's a taste of what I answered,

My inbox is full this week of letters from women like you wondering how they can hold on to their good friendships with men who've recently let it be known that friendship is all they're looking for. I can understand your desire to still spend time with one or both of these friends because up till now, they've filled an important role in your life. ...

Friendship is great. It can be a strong foundation for a romantic relationship. I even talk in Get Married about how women often overlook men in the "just friends" category as potential husbands. But if a friendship has stopped progressing from "just friends" to something more — especially if that male friend has come right out and said he does not want anything more (read: romantic) — then at that point, the friendship can go from promising to poisoning.

What does it poison? Opportunities for marriage to someone else.

You can read the full question and answer in "The Poison in 'Just Friends.'"

Next Monday: Can you just pray away your sex drive? Stay tuned.

This Time, Win FIVE Books!

2009-04-17T16:43:57.142Z

oday is Free Stuff Fridays on Tim Challies' blog. No surprise there—today's Friday. What's cool is that he's giving away FIVE prizes, each composed of FIVE books. AND among the five are Get Married and Start Your Family. All it takes to enter is your name and email address. You can do that here.

Here's the lineup:

Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies by Steve and Candice Watters
Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen by Candice Watters
Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World by Carolyn McCulley
The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently About Your Relationship Can Change Everything by Mitch Temple
Just Do Something: How to Make a Decision Without Dreams, Visions, Fleeces, Open Doors, Random Bible Verses, Casting Lots, Liver Shivers, Writing in the Sky, etc. by Kevin DeYoung

Hurry over to Tim's blog and enter to win. Contest ends tonight at midnight.

Why We're "Women Only"

2009-04-13T17:31:18.389Z

ecently I've had to ban several men from having accounts on Women Praying Boldly. Is it because I was opposed to them specifically? Thankfully not. It's simply that this is a site for women to join in friendship and prayer for godly husbands. It's built on the model of Titus 2:3-5, which says:

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Scripture models women teaching women, and men teaching men. That is the model I've opted for on our site. Please know if you're a man who's been "banned" that we're not opposed to you personally. It's just that having male members is inconsistent with the site's design. The primary purpose of this site is a secure, faith-based forum. (It's not a dating service or even a place to meet women.)

For all you guys who would like to join, feel free to visit Boundless.org. They've got a wealth of great information about dating and marriage and more, just for men. They also have some male writers who are equipped to answer your questions in a way I'm not.

Thanks for understanding (and please feel free to email me if you ever notice a man using the site).

Radical Womanhood Winners

2009-04-11T16:59:25.794Z

Thanks to everyone who left a comment on one of Carolyn's guest blog posts. All of you were entered to win one of five copies of her book, Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World. And the winners are:

Claire
LadyElaine
Heather
Sarah Breeding, and
Ronia Chaar

Congratulations! Please email me with your mailing address and Moody will get your copy out to you pronto.

Carolyn McCulley, part 2

2009-04-06T21:08:27.801Z

The Rise of the Hook-Up Culture

ean-Paul Sartre was a leading intellectual, a man who published the philosophical treatises he wrote while sitting among like-minded friends in French cafés. Simone de Beauvoir was his equal professionally and intellectually (they took the two top honors in philosophy at the Sorbonne). In some circles, Sartres and Beauvoir are still considered one of the most influential couples of the 20th century. Their political cause, socialism, has sputtered to near irrelevance but their influence on modern marriage remains indelible.

Sartre and Beavoir met in 1929, when she was 21 and he was 24, and they decided upon a radical relationship. Forsaking the “confines of bourgeousie marriage,” they defined their lifelong union as an open relationship, a non-monogamous, non-marital union that only required “complete transparency.”

Beauvoir was best known for the 1949 French publication, Le Deuxième Sexe (The Second Sex), her comprehensive study of the secondary status of women throughout history. As the first full-length socio-philosophical examination of the status of women in society, The Second Sex is said to be the seminal work of modern feminism. Beauvoir wrote that woman “is defined and differentiated with reference to man and not he with reference to her; she is the incidental, the inessential as opposed to the essential. He is the Subject, he is the Absolute—she is the Other.” Because of this secondary status, Beauvoir argued that women were “imprisoned” by the roles of wife, mother, and sweetheart; therefore, she maintained that “all forms of socialism, wresting woman away from the family, favor her liberation.”

However, when her own life is examined, Beauvoir is a paradoxical feminist. She was a lifelong partner to a man who compulsively seduced numerous women. Worse yet, she herself was part of his predatory relationships with young women—one who suffered a nervous breakdown, two who committed suicide, and a fourth who endured three abortions to “spare” Sartre the burden of fatherhood. Their private correspondence, published after their deaths in the 1980s, revealed jealousies, boorish behavior, lies and contempt for those they seduced—which stunned and angered those intimates who were still alive.

With the perspective of hindsight, it would seem that the woman who claimed other women were imprisoned within the roles of wife, mother, and sweetheart lived in sordid bondage herself. Ironically, toward the end of her life, she said that nothing she achieved in her professional life was as great as her relationship with Sartre.

He died in 1980, cutting her out of his will and leaving his estate to his final mistress.

Sartre and Beauvoir were champions of existentialism, a philosophy that can be loosely defined as a system in which subjectivity, individual freedom, and choice are championed—“truth that is true for me,” as one existentialist philosopher wrote. Their relationship was one widely emulated by the post-war generation, the Baby Boomers who claimed that they, too, did not need “a piece of paper” to confirm their committed relationships.

Beauvoir is considered a leading figure in the rise of what’s known as the second wave of feminism. But she also sowed the seeds for the wave we are living in now—the third wave. The third wave—not as well-documented in mainstream press—arose in the early 1990s as a reaction to what was perceived as the upper-middle class, white woman’s orientation of the second wave. Harder to document as a movement, the influence of the third wave can best be seen in pop culture—the early influence of the “riot grrrl” bands, the buff and barely dressed video vixens, and the raunch culture evidenced in tweeners wearing Playboy Bunny shirts and suburban gyms offering pole-dancing aerobics.

While second-wavers dismantled marriage as necessary for committed relationships, the pro-porn push of the third wave trashed commitment itself. Adrift in the hook-up culture, many young women today find it hard to navigate modern relationships.

No wonder.

These two blog posts have barely skimmed important points in history, but I hope they have introduced you to some cultural factors that you should know. I’m passionate that young women understand how we got here. But here’s something else you should know: Men are not the problem. The real problem is that fallen human beings sin against one another. Our real problem is sin. But we have a Savior in Jesus Christ. His redemptive, loving mercy is what we need to persevere through disappointments and conflicts. Because our heavenly Father is the creator of marriage, we can trust Him to help us navigate our sin, the sins of others, and our culture’s negative influence in order to develop godly marriages.

And that’s why women should continue to pray boldly for marriage!

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In addition to her writing and speaking ministry, Carolyn is also a filmmaker and founder of Citygate Films. Prior to launching Citygate, she worked for Sovereign Grace Ministries for the past ten years. This blog post features excerpts from Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World from Moody Publishers.

There's still time to win a copy of Carolyn's book, Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World! Simply leave a comment in this post, or part 1, and you'll be entered in the drawing for one of five copies.

Early Views on Marriage

2009-04-02T20:43:30.689Z

Before I started writing Get Married, I read as many titles on singleness as I could, including Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred, by Carolyn McCulley. In the process, Carolyn became my friend. And now she has a new book of her own, Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World (Moody). It's a great read--one I'd like to pass on to my friends here. Thankfully, Moody has agreed to send copies to five of the commenters whose names I "draw out of a hat."

Not only that, Carolyn is joining us with two guest blog posts to give you a taste of what her new book is all about. And now, Carolyn.

ne of the things I loved the most about Candice’s book was the bold call to prayer.

I’ve been part of many “prayer circles” by single women who have petitioned the Lord, with thanksgiving, for husbands—and He has provided for numerous women in surprising ways! I’ve seen women of all ages, abilities, shapes, sizes, and ethnicities get married. One thing is for sure: marriage is not just for “certain” people, whatever your definition of the deserving may be.

That said, I’m glad I know the power of prayer—because for the last two hundred years, changes in our culture have certainly thrown up barriers to getting and staying married. If you find it frustrating or confusing to understand relationships and marriage today, you have good reason. It’s not just you. It’s our whole culture.

You may be surprised that I said two hundred years, and not just two or three decades. That was one of the things I learned as I collected research for my latest book, Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World. I knew that the women’s liberation movement that arose in my lifetime had downgraded marriage. But I didn’t know that there was a century of history before women’s lib hit in the 1960s. And those changes were very profound.

So I’d like to give you a brief overview of how relationships changed between men and women. Chances are, you may be quite unaware of this information, but you feel its effects every day.

In order to understand the gender confusion of the 21st century, you have to rewind past the girl power movement of the 1990s, the women’s liberation movement of the 1970s, the suburban domesticity of the 1950s, the Rosie-the-Riveter era of World War II, the sexual brazenness of the Jazz Age, and even the 19th-century push for women’s right to vote, right to the founding of our nation.

During this heady time, as the political concepts of democracy and emancipation were taking shape in a new republic, women had high hopes that they would receive equal legal status to men as citizens of the United States of America. As Abigail Adams looked on all the fierce political rhetoric in 1776, she implored her husband not to forget the ladies. In a letter to John Adams on March 31, she made this plea:

I long to hear that you have declared an independency. And, by the way, in the new code of laws which I suppose it will be necessary for you to make, I desire you would remember the ladies and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands. Remember, all men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.

As radical as her ideas might have sounded to her husband, Abigail was not suggesting that women should throw off every aspect of feminine existence, trashing the roles of wives and mothers. She simply wanted laws that recognized women as full legal, adult entities in this new nation. She was linking the cause of women—and at other times, the cause of abolition—to the cause of the Revolution. Though her husband did not take her seriously on this point, she remained faithful to her family, loving John and their children throughout 54 years of marriage. As one biographer noted, “In her eyes, improved legal and social status for women was not inconsistent with their essentially domestic role.”

Though Abigail Adams would not be considered a feminist, she did accurately predict the feminist rebellion to come. In her rightful plea, she also articulated what would be come a basic feminist premise: “Remember, all men would be tyrants if they could.”

Whenever women have considered our history of inequality, the consistent conclusion has been that men are the problem. Obviously, during the 18th and 19th centuries, women could look around and observe real and tangible ways in which they were being discriminated against by men. The first feminists pushed for legal changes that we all benefit from today. I am glad women can vote, own property, and earn an equal wage for equal work—just to name a few benefits!

But that wasn’t the whole agenda. The earliest feminists largely were also opposed to marriage. As one leading 19th-century feminist wrote: “It is in vain to look for the elevation of woman, so long as she is degraded in marriage. … I feel that this whole question of woman’s rights turns on the point of the marriage relation.” Though she was a mother of seven who was married for nearly 50 years, Elizabeth Cady Stanton was vocal in her low opinion of marriage—a perspective that shaped feminist thinking through the next 150 years.

It’s no surprise, therefore, that during this same mid-19th century period, there was also a marked increase in the number of American single women.

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In addition to her writing and speaking ministry, Carolyn is also a filmmaker and founder of Citygate Films. Prior to launching Citygate, she worked for Sovereign Grace Ministries for the past ten years. This blog post features excerpts from Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World from Moody Publishers.

Remember to leave a comment if you'd like to be entered in the book giveaway, and stay tuned for Part 2 of this series.

Calling Dibs on a Man

2009-03-30T20:26:58.908Z

ave you ever had a friend who liked a guy so much that she felt justified asking all the women around her to stay away from him? He may be interested. Or not. What are her friends supposed to do?

That's the dilemma I answer in "Healthy Competition," today's Q&A on Boundless. The questioner wrote,

There's a limited number of eligible males in my church, but all of them are great, godly men. My best friend likes one of these guys, a lot, and though he has given no clear indication of returning these feelings, she has declared that none of us other women are allowed to like him. The first time she said this, none of us had any inclination toward this particular man. Now, it appears that he may in fact be interested in me, and I am interested enough in him to give him a chance if he were to step forward and "make a move."

My dilemma is this: How much do I sacrifice for the sake of a friend? Is it fair to this man to turn him down based solely on the fact that my friend has unreciprocated feelings for him? That just feels wrong.

Furthermore, after years of praying for a husband and having never dated as of yet (I'm 21), I don't see the reason in slamming the door shut on my first opportunity to develop a relationship with a man who likes me when he's seen my good moments and not so good moments.

This whole thing seems childish, and though I have no desire to hurt my friend, I also have no desire to be deceitful or dishonest in any way.

I can think of at least one time something like this happened to me. Maybe more. How about you?

To read my reply, click here. And if you have a question you'd like to see me answer on Boundless, just sent it in an email to editor@boundless.org.

And the Winners Are...

2009-03-07T04:42:05.017Z

Jesusfreak 2009 and Sarah Garrison. Congratulations ladies! Please drop me an email with your address and we'll get them out to you. And thanks to everyone who left a comment and took part in the book giveaway. I'm almost done reading it myself and am looking forward to writing a full review for Boundless.

Next up, some guest blogging from my friend and author Carolyn McCulley. She'll be stopping by WPB with some things to say. And we'll be giving away a few copies of her new book, Radical Womanhood. Soon.

For now, if you need some encouargement, head over to The Boundless Show podcast to hear an interview with Dr. Juli Slattery of Focus on the Family, host Lisa Anderson, and yours truly. This show is actually part 2 of a "Hard Questions" interview Juli did. She asked the hard questions and Lisa and I answered.

It's my favorite inerview thus far.

Is He a Good Catch?

2009-03-05T14:32:00.874Z

his week I've been blogging at Boundless about a new book by pastor and author Voddie Baucham. The book, What He Must Be ... if he wants to marry my daughter, is full of wisdom for deciding if a man is a worthy candidate for husband. Though it's written primarily for fathers of daughters still living at home, the chapters that get into the character qualities of a good potential husband are very helpful for Christian women of all ages. Of the first quality Baucham writes,

In many areas I am willing to give and take when it comes to young men to whom I will give my blessing in pursuit of my daughter's hand. I am willing to abide a short man, a poor man, an unattractive man, even a man who is not a Texan (Lord, forgive me). However, I cannot give my consent to a man who is not a follower of Christ.

And it's not enough that the man made a profession of the faith at the front of a revival service. Baucham delves into what it means to be a "true believer." Such a man is Regenerate, Repentant, and Reformed. He details all three. About Repentence he writes,

True repentance is the result of an accurate understanding of the significance and gravity of sin, coupled with an overwhelming desire for remission of that sin through the person and work of Christ and a turning from sin and dead works to faith and obedience.

The other traits include being prepared to lead (and lead like Christ), he must be committed to children, and he must practice the four P's: he must be a Protector, Provider, Prophet, and Priest.

Sound like a tall order? It is. And certainly very few men pick you up for the first date with all these traits firmly in place. (And we have our own issues of growing and maturing in Christ as godly women and future wives!) Thankfully, the book is capped off with the promising chapter "If you Can't Find One ... Build One." Again, the message is directed to fathers. But I think it could easily be adapted to a father figure or mentor--a godly man who's willing to help you marry well.

I'd love to send a copy or two of this challenging and ultimately encouraging book to some of you faithful readers. Please leave a comment on this post about the traits you're looking for in a husband and I'll let random.org choose the winner(s).

Believe

2009-02-16T23:46:36.585Z

by guest blogger, Tabi Upton

itting in a swanky restaurant in D.C. a day after the Inauguration offered the perfect chance for several college friends and me to reconnect. We beguiled each other with tales of our adventures since school while live music played in the background, creating a warm, festive atmosphere. All of us were single except for Vivian, who had been a graduate student and mentor to many of us during our university days.

Vivian had married for the first time at age 42. She was always eager to hear about our lives and offer her encouragement whenever we were in her presence. She was real, and her realness allowed us the refreshing space to air our frustrations and triumphs of singleness, without shame. So there we were, 30-something black professionals with advanced degrees—business owners and world travelers—telling our stories of romance, disappointments, and hopes, with poorly masked eagerness to see ourselves one day primarily as wives and mothers.

Two of us weren’t dating anyone, but the other two were finally in love. As I watched my friends’ faces light up with wonder and happiness, I realized that although we all seemed to have chosen the slow lane for relationship travel, we’ll most likely reach our destinations just the same. I was struck by the randomness of possibility. One day you could be just as lonely as you thought you’d ever be, and the next, looking directly into the face of your future husband.

God’s word to me this year is simply, believe. The first time He brought the word to my attention, I was having a conversation with another friend about the need to pray for our future husbands. She responded, “And not only that, but we have to believe it. It’s the belief that holds the power in prayer.”

I have to choose to believe in a future mate whenever I end a work week with no date to look forward to on the weekend. I must cling to it when I receive yet another wedding invitation by someone 10 years my junior. I must shout it to myself when I look in the mirror every morning and am tempted to doubt. I must write it on my heart and beat it into my soul throughout the day.

In 2009, let us stand fast with the courage to believe.

Where Family Began for Two Brave Women

2009-01-26T14:19:51.246Z

o you want to be wise? Fear the Lord. That's the ancient equation revealed by the wisest man, Solomon, in his book of Proverbs. But today I saw something else that begins with the fear of the Lord: Family.

It caught me by surprise while reading Exodus, something I do every January (it's where it falls on the One Year Bible). I just never really noticed it before. There, in the midst of the tale of the Hebrews' unparalleled growth, and the utter panic all those babies were causing the Egyptians, was this passage:

The king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Shiphrah and Puah, "When you help the Hebrew women in childbirth and observe them on the delivery stool, if it is a boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live." The midwives, however, feared God and did not do what the king of Egypt had told them to do; they let the boys live. Then the king of Egypt summoned the midwives and asked them, "Why have you done this? Why have you let the boys live?"

The midwives answered Pharaoh, "Hebrew women are not like Egyptian women; they are vigorous and give birth before the midwives arrive."

So God was kind to the midwives and the people increased and became even more numerous. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own. (Emphases added.)

Their fear of the Lord was the starting point for their families. It struck me that this is a good prayer for single women hoping for marriage:

Lord, help me to fear you the way the midwives did. Make me bold like Shiphrah and Puah. Bless me with a family of my own.

Start Your Family Now in Bookstores

2009-01-21T21:36:03.301Z

ast January Get Married hit bookstores everywhere; now it's time for Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies, part two of the Morken challenge to "Get married, make babies and do government." (Stay tuned for part three.) Steve and I wrote this one together and in it, tell our story of how we had planned to spend a long honeymoon season getting to know each other, build our careers and buy stuff, until our mentor couple came along and challenged all that.

There are plenty of reasons not to have a baby. Now there's a book that shows all the reasons for it.

While obviously not written for the same single reader who might pick up a copy of Get Married, Start Your Family does make a great wedding, or even engagement, present. It's never too early for a couple who are seriously dating to think and talk through their expectations about having kids.

Here's a peek at what's inside:

Why Have Kids?

We of the Xer generations and following stop to ask, “Why?” We don’t just do things out of tradition or expectation. We don’t just have kids because that’s what’s expected or because it’s what our parents did. We’ve moved beyond that. We have kids as a statement, as a lifestyle choice. But the choice to have children now sits on a shelf in a growing supermarket of options leaving couples asking why that choice would be better than any other. (read more)

The funny thing (miraculous, really) is that just when I was writing the "Window" chapter, about the limits of a woman's fertility, I found out that I was pregnant with our fourth child. This really was miraculous, confounding all three doctors who had confirmed I was done having babies. To God be the glory -- He really does move when we pray boldly!

If you're interested, you can read another excerpt, "The Brave," in the January edition of Citizen magazine, now available online.

Are the Obamas the New Huxtables?

2009-01-19T20:50:29.842Z

nce upon a time a rich doctor and his rich attorney wife lived in a well-appointed home in New York City. Their beautiful, funny, creative kids (5 of them) lived the dream: well provided for by two loving parents who also loved each other. And so the Cosby Show set the stage for a decade of longing among families black and white who fell far short of the TV fantasy.

Now the dream is coming true in real life. Witness the Obamas who are rich and powerful. According to one quote in Helena Andrews's "SBF Seeking Her Own Barack," the Obamas are now “the standard-bearers for black love.” Andrews agrees writing, "count me among the throngs ready to grab a piece of the new black American dream, including a side of marriage and babies with that high-powered career."

Andrews introduces us to Andrea, "an investment banker traveling from London, [who] described this year’s inauguration as 'the can’t-miss black networking event of the century.' Everybody who’s anybody—or those wishing to be somebody—will be there, she said."

Or at least the everybodys, anybodys and somebodys who received an invitation.

I loved the Cosby Show. And instead of heaping scorn on what many said was an unrealistic and unreachable ideal, I thought it was worthy of praise for raising a standard to aspire to. Hopefully lots of kids like me who watched the show took Cliff and Clair's examples into their own marriages and parenting.

It sounds like a lot of single black women feel the same way about the new President and First Lady. According to Andrea, “we are witnessing a sociological paradigm shift where a loving black nuclear family is the new definition of cool.”

Let's hope it goes beyond cool. I'm praying that for our generation and those to come, it will be defining.

What are your hopes and prayers for the incoming First Family?

Get Married for Guys!

2009-01-16T15:17:39.473Z

You asked for it and now it's here: Get Married for Men.

Sort of.

It's not a full length book (publishers insist guys don't read) and it's not something you have to buy (it's free--yipee). So what is it?

A Guy's Guide to Marrying Well

Get yours now from Boundless. Read it. Then, once you're convinced it's great, send it to all the eligible men you know and watch the matches form.

(Oh, and about guys not reading, our nine year old son is standing over my shoulder scoffing at that one. "Women publishers," he concludes.)

Be Like Peter

2009-01-13T22:52:20.860Z

hings aren't looking good. That's the sentiment among many single women today. Despite recent stats, it appears that there really aren't enough men to go around. Double that sensation if you're a black woman. Those online dating services may work for some, but lots of unsatisfied customers remain soulmate-less. It's enough to drive you to despair.

In that moment -- or many moments -- of heartache and disappointment, remember Peter.

There he was, confident in the power of His Lord. Just say the word, Jesus, and I'll walk to you. No matter that it's water beneath my feet. Just say the word. And Jesus does. And Peter leaves the safety of the boat and starts on his faith-dependent journey. But then the noise of the wind and the height of the waves distract him. Whoa. What am I thinking? He starts to sink.

Peter. You can almost hear the calm in Jesus' voice. Look at me, Peter. I made the wind. I made the waves.

You have every reason to hope for marriage. You just have to keep your focus in the right place.

Never-married women are a lot like Peter walking on the water. Having confirmed that it was Jesus, and not a ghost, coming toward them, Peter had the confidence to get out of the boat and join Him in a miraculous stroll. "But when he saw the wind," the Scripture says, "he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"

It wasn't that the wind suddenly appeared to throw Peter off, the storm had been raging, but that he suddenly shifted his focus from Jesus to the weather. He lost sight of what was most important — God's presence in the midst of the storm.

Blaming our current problem of protracted singleness on "not enough men," "lack of male initiative," "men with unreasonable expectations," or any other probable cause is like shifting our gaze from Christ to the stormy weather. It's no wonder so many women are discouraged. From appearances, things look bleak.

Thankfully we have more to go on than appearances. God is still God. He designed us for marriage and despite all the roadblocks our culture puts between us and the altar, He's still in the business of "setting the lonely in families." He hasn't rescinded the Creation Mandate to be fruitful and multiply. His solution to man's loneliness is still a wife — the suitable helper. He's still in the business of making good matches. And no matter what happens in any one woman's life, He's still able .

What's Working?

2009-01-13T03:11:22.076Z

t's been a year since Get Married was released. By now, some of you have some stories to tell, and I for one want to hear them! What have you tried? What's worked? What hasn't?

Are you praying boldly? Did you Pull a Ruth and live to tell about it? Do you have a mentor? What about joining a vibrant Bible-believing community? Are you living like you're planning to marry?

I heard from Callie who said that though she didn't read the book till after she was seriously dating, she did read the Boundless articles (by yours truly) that paved the way for the book. Just this week I saw some video footage from her wedding. Among other things, it was mentoring that made the difference in her story. Praise the Lord!

Do you have a story to share? How about friends with stories? Come one and all. Let's rejoice together (and if anything totally tanked, I need to know that, too).

Talking about STIs

2009-01-11T04:19:12.334Z

Have you ever worried about telling your future boyfriend what lies in your past? What about fears that he'll have stories of sexual sin to share with you? In this week's Boundless Answers column I respond to a woman who says, "I plan on asking my future husband to get tested for the most common STIs after presenting him with my 'sexual health' report."

She writes, "God had mercy on me by not giving me any diseases. How can I show the same mercy to a potential mate if he has an STI or even AIDS? I mean, I wouldn't want to marry someone with AIDS, but I don't want to be judgmental either. Oh! I don't know! Help!"

This question of two believers with unequal sexual experience comes up a lot in the email from Boundless readers. I guess that's to be expected in a culture as hyper-sexualized as ours. There's a lot of relational shrapnel out there; much cause for anxiety. Or is it?

A Bold Goal for 2009

2008-12-30T22:07:13.355Z

've been thinking about my need to internalize more Scripture; to have it at the ready when I'm tempted by the world, the flesh and the devil. Then today, I thought to check Living Proof Ministries (Beth Moore's) blog and lo and behold, she's asking readers who are interested to join her in memorizing 2 scriptures a month (your choice) for the whole year. Why? She says,

Scripture memorization has been among the most profoundly effective disciplines of the faith that God has ever given me to practice. Honestly, I think I would've lost my mind by now if He had not pasted His Word all over it. Every personal battle we face is won or lost on the playing field of our mind. I'm deeply serious when I tell you that I have some ongoing areas of relational challenge that would absolutely overtake my thought life with anxiety, fear, resentment and bitterness if I didn't grab my index cards at critical moments and start saying my Scriptures. I did it as recently as yesterday when, concerning a particular situation, I thought to myself, "I cannot take this again." It calmed me and kept me from acting like I felt. And then I slowly felt better. Scripture memory has long since been a necessity for victory for me. My mind is very prone to obsessive thoughts. I've never broken a single stronghold without deliberately repeating Scriptures more times than my mind could repeat a destructive or unhealthy thought. The Truth finally trumps the lie or comforts the hurt. God prevails and I get the victory. This is the essence of 2 Cor. 10:3-5.

I signed up today and thought maybe some of you women praying boldly would enjoy the camaraderie of hiding the Word in your hearts with 1986 (and counting) other believing women.

You can find out more on the LPM blog here.

God Writes Novels, Not Sitcoms

2008-12-29T15:16:36.276Z

by Jennifer E. Jones

y a virtual show of hands, how many of you expected more out of your love life in 2008? You had dreams of breaking into the new year with someone special. Don't be shy. We all probably lifted up a silent prayer last year that 2008 would bring some romance.

You prayed, you waited, maybe even fasted. So what happened? I wish I had an answer for you. But what I can tell you is that if you haven't seen the end of your story yet, perhaps it is still yet to come. Let me explain.

The Bible has plenty of "suddenlys." Elijah went up in a whirlwind suddenly (2 Kings 2:11). Jesus appeared suddenly to the disciples after His resurrection according to Matthew (28:9). Even God created the entire universe in just under a week. Things can always happen quickly, but more often than not, I find that many of God's miracles are on a slow burn. When I flip through the Old Testament, I find story after story of people who knew what it was to wait on God. Think about Abraham or David. These guys waited years upon years for God to deliver on His promises. Whether it was waiting on a son in the midst of barrenness or hiding in a cave hoping that his enemies wouldn't kill him, these were men of quivering yet unbreakable faith.

Lastly, think about the birth of Jesus. The coming of a Messiah was something that people had predicted for generations. Many heroes of the faith went to their graves still waiting to see that promise fulfilled. We live in an A.D. kind of world, but if we were able to ask prophets like Isaiah what it was like back then, I'm sure they would say, "It took forever for Christ to get here."

I say all this to say that God writes novels, not sitcoms. He specializes in miracles that take time. He doesn't cheaply wrap up in a half hour. He's into setting the scene and fleshing out every character and every plot line down to the last detail.

I'm in the middle of writing a novel right now, and I can attest that it takes a while. I create back stories and intricate plot twists. I have to take my characters through all kinds of crazy things to get them to my perfect ending, which I've already planned out. When I get frustrated with how long it's taking, I press through and remember that God is an author too. He's writing my story and He's writing yours. It may seem like it's taking a long time, but trust me, the ending will be worth it.

Guest Blogger, Jennifer E. Jones

2008-12-22T04:26:53.027Z

ast year at this time, I didn't even know my husband, and now I'm engaged. God is good!"

My friend's Facebook status was hard to ignore. Her joyful words were next to a glowing picture of her, her fiancé and her gigantic engagement ring. This was a friend of mine whom I had known since graduate school, and I'd seen her go through her fair share of broken hearts. Then one day, she met a Godly man, and the rest is Facebook history.

I know I should have been happy for her, but I was green with envy. I was single last year too, but 2008 did not bring me the same fortune. So, I was not in the mood to hear the good tidings of great joy from yet another bride-to-be. I clicked away with a huff and a roll of the eyes. Not very Christ-like.

We all know that we should delight in the good things that happen for other people. In the Bible, Paul tells the Romans to "rejoice with those who rejoice" (Romans 12:15 NIV). I knew that was the appropriate response, and I immediately regretted my flash of jealousy. However, God wanted me to look a little deeper into my reaction.

Recently, I came across John's account of Jesus feeding the 5,000. Before the miracle happened, Jesus was sitting with His disciples, and seeing the multitudes, He asked Phillip, "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" By this time, Phillip had walked with Jesus for a while. He knew Jesus was the Son of God. He'd seen the miracles. He knew exactly what Jesus was capable of. Yet, his response was: "Eight months' wages would not buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!" (John 6:5-7 NIV) Instead of believing that Jesus was clearly up to something, Phillip looked at the situation, shrugged his shoulders and told God essentially, "I don't know. Looks impossible."

Is that our response to God? It's been mine many times. Seeing a friend's blossoming romance and then looking at my singleness, my reaction of jealousy or flippancy spoke volumes about my faith in God's ability.

See, God loves to ask leading questions. He presents us with situations that require trust and asks us, "What are we going to do here?" Not for Him to know, but for us to see. It's holding up a mirror to ourselves to show what our faith is really made of.

So the next time you browse through status updates on Facebook and see the newfound happiness of a friend, let it be a reminder to you that God is capable of giving you the same love story. And He's asking you to have a little faith in Him that He's up to something good.