keeping up with the laundry folding
rewriting my to do list beyond what is absolutely necessary in this exact moment
able to not break down and sob at every momentous first and last thing that tiptoeing into this summer holds
instilling fear in my daughter when she decided to push herself to a new level during her ballet performance (of course she nailed it)

i have been:
feeding lots of people
taking lots of photos
editing lots of photos
enjoying all of my kids being under one roof
leaving voice memos for my friends, reminding them that God sees and that God knows
and in doing so, reminding myself of the same

watching my youngest girl get fitted for another pair of pointe shoes with the most fabulous and knowledgeable woman
writing all the things on the grocery list that we are in dire need of

sneaking in the occasional reading of a book
praying for wisdom as to what to do next
figuring out all of the details of our unusual amount of upcoming travel
introducing Luke to cinnamon raisin bagels, which we have lovingly renamed as Christmas bagels which is a huge diversion from his typical plain bagel for breakfast that he has had every single morning for so many years upon years

enjoying him help me with an extra hand

reluctantly watching the birds make a nest out our kitchen window
doing loads and loads and loads of dishes

longing for my delicious cup of coffee in the morning (always)

a little date at one of our old favorite haunts (that has been around as long as we’ve been married)

going to the best concert (the paper kites) that i have ever gone to in my entire life with my husband who is always aware of those good things

playing dutch blitz and realizing that i am no longer better at this game than my children
laughing
laughing so very hard

harvesting lettuce for dinner from our hydroponic garden

lifting weights with my personal trainer
enjoying popcorn and pb and apples for dinner with Luke

making loaves and loaves and loaves of sourdough and baguettes
playing beat the clock (my favorite game in life) on every single drive
pausing just long enough to feel the breeze coming in through the kitchen window as i fill up the dog’s water
scheduling haircuts for nearly all of us by our in-home haircutter
getting a fabulous trim by him as well

organizing seashells and bobbleheads and ointments
dreaming about a little getaway with my family and desiring for it be as analog as possible
christening the new picnic table with my loves for a very late lunch from a new favorite sandwich place in town

looking for beauty because i know that it is there
in the midst of the overwhelm and the gray and the too muchness of this life
the too much heartbreak and too much joy and too much mess and too much beauty
so i watch
and i wait
and i click
and i wouldn’t have it any other way
above all else,
surrendering,
surrendering,
surrendering
when my grip gets too tight
to the One who holds it all
to the One who holds us all

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feeling the sun’s warmth on my face as we wait in the car
with the cool breeze flowing through our windows
having her home from college and her willingness to make dinner while i have a headache
plans to shop
and watch a movie
how she picked the perfect movie for mother’s day for me
how her eyes didn’t to be dilated
again
how she gave me that same familiar frantic face that her brother used to
that i am surrounded by hysterically funny people
when the project is just clicking right and you’re kind of excited about it all day and all night
how she made dinner for the family and did the ballet drives
hair and nails in one day
and how God revealed to me a list of people when i thought there were none
the cows on the hillside on my drive home from the grocery store
running into his old PT
seeing one of my favorite tj’s workers, finally
hearing my checker celebrate that his third daughter is married!
a solo trip out
a tiny window to finish the laundry and work on my project
cutting the light pink roses and putting them in the tiny vases

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the very best playlist (always)
the striped towel in the best place
seeing the little cloud in real life
a fresh and clean and waxed car
and doing it with most of the family
being in the hammock with him
not being on call
a midday bath soak
reading by the pool with my girls
and all but one of my boys
fresh cut flowers from the garden
clues to find in the morning
a happy and beautiful banner
made with so much love
how Luke miraculously let me sleep yesterday morning
the pup feeling better
a slow morning at home
the best bubbling bath fizz from a dear friend
reminiscing about some of my favorite books
being able to speak to my own heart while i spoke to hers
how she asked me what would be most life-giving
being able to think about and then articulate to her what fills me up
both of us wondering what we would do
how she so quickly thought about the character in the tv show as a perfect example of something that she learned at college
in-n-out for mother’s day dinner (the best)

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how every day is her new favorite day
how his favorite worker came out of tj’s and yelled goodbye to us!
hearing her bubbly voice while she is walking four miles at the airport
so inspiring
the updates and the lowdown from our precious oldest daughter
watching the clouds slowly drift by
arriving early to the doctor
again
which never happens
ever
wisdom on what to say and what to ask
grateful that even with a broken windshield, i can make many many many day trips far away
a brand spanking new windshield!
and our insurance paying for the repair
how unbelievably foggy it is and how unbelievably sunny it was
having the three coyotes flee early in the morning
seeing a horse right now, just this very moment
a cleaned up clear app
how things are so good that it makes me want to cry
receiving so many sourdough text messages in one day!
the little bunnies on our front lawn
finally getting the motivation to get stuff done
finding my bread knife in my purse at church
how she had the bread knife and cutting board all ready for me
delightful words of encouragement
an evening out with the ladies
a dear friend’s delicious home-cooked meal
with the most spectacular of desserts
chances to just simply sit and hear stories and ask questions and praise God
and laugh out loud without the beeping and distractions of phones
what a rare and beautiful evening

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a walk around the island with my dad
how the internet is incredibly slow here in the best of ways
how the pup wants to be in the middle of everything
this glorious sun
a new book that i am flying through
the most delicious canadian maple syrup latte my dad treated me to
the ferry ride
the most glorious beach in almost all the world
their jumps and then their screams into the water
watching the launch while on the dock
kind words always
how Luke opened the doors because he was curious
frozen bananas all day
every day
finishing my goal at just the right time
and voice typing it all
a photo of the five of us
plus Dusty Bottoms
the water slowly lapping at the shore
God’s consistent whisper of “look for me”
noticing how people behave differently around Luke when he’s in his wheelchair
how he loves that new thing more than i would have thought
how it actually fits in our car this time
which makes the six months of trying to get it all the more worth it
running into so many cousins
watching the little one learn how to sail right out front
listening to Isaiah on my walk
coffee walk coffee (link to recipe)
hearing “let the sail out. let it out. let it out. let it out”
and letting that be symbolic for this season in life
the reflection of the water on that boat’s side
always that boat
how we are SO glad that we brought her along
deciding not to worry but to be right here with my whole being
getting snippets of everyone’s conversations as they walk
by the distant sound of a boat honking
His gentle prompting

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picking a warm peach off the tree and putting it my yogurt and granola for breakfast
his walking from outfield to the dugout only clutching his mitt
google flights. need i say anything more?
beating the clock by 8 minutes!
finding a cord for him that works
both of us choosing number seven (when the stakes were very high)
being able to share my thoughts and words on this lovely new project!
and what it did to my heart to ponder those questions
her words in my ears, the moment i woke up, to be gentle
very, very gentle to myself
finding all the papers i thought i had lost
anticipating witnessing God moving in mighty ways
remembering that the heaviness that comes with this side of heaven is not ours to carry
having so many wonderful fun things going on that i am overwhelmed
how i just know that may is going to be a fantastic month
being such an idiot with Luke and having him laugh about it:
going to the checkout at target after putting nothing in my basket and asking him to get the scanner gun which he refused. because he knew that there was nothing to purchase
bright yellow illuminating our house
teeny tiny goals for today like showering and going to costco and folding laundry
holding onto the hope that if we go to Costco today, he won’t wake up at 4am tomorrow morning, too excited for the outing
how he’s a lot like his Papa in that way
choosing to stay hopeful, even if i can only muster a glimmer
realizing for the first time ever that there is a huge difference between peacemaker and peacekeeper
how my sore toe isn’t sore anymore
and (as always) the smell of freshly baked sourdough wafting through the house

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this photo was taken at a Sabrina the Teenage Witch Christmas Party, soon after we started dating in 1999.

have you heard the story of how my husband and i met?

well, you can now hear him tell it you!

same goes for Monsoon and Did You Hear About the Jankowskis?

(and if you’d rather, you can listen to them all on apple podcasts)

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the next time you are on a beach and you see seashells, at first glance, you may think that they are all the same sort of blah color.

but my friend showed me that if you look, you will find the colors. because they are there.

i promise you that if you look for them, you will find them.

and you will never see seashells the same way again.

which is exactly what happens when you experience the Greatest Love of All Time.

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”
Isaiah 6:3b

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what is it about vacation grocery lists? they are simply the best. what is it about them that make them so glorious?

and are you like me? you leave your house on a monday, drive two hours and you have no idea what day of the week it is anymore.

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being almost half way done
gems of friends who text with great big ideas
seeing God move mightily in the midst of really hard and dark situations
him sending me podcasts
and asking me laundry questions
and his friends coming up with the best name for me: mother of Smother or GrandSmommy are my two faves
that glorious sun shining yet again
and those perfectly white clouds
figuring out what the things are that fill me up
having her tell me that i should take a gap year for old people
passing on the curriculum i made
date night
documenting, not curating this life
two projects (almost) finished
being able to do one thing in the place of the other
sushi night with our littlest guy
clipping his toenails while he is still in the bath
a movie with him in my bed
seeing the beauty in even the folded napkins
working hard, but more slowly
getting things figured out
being seen
the best tangerines
back to back slumber parties at our house
orange dreams every night
when you see your red picnic table on the guy’s website
and all of the wonderful memories come flooding back
the new yellow rotary home phone
how she answered it with hi
the absolute loveliest people on my team
an abundance of sewing needles
the clean counter
how the city looks like a sea this morning
the delight i receive from noticing the wooden paper towel holder
the blood in the oranges
that all the lights are not flickering
and figuring out the perfect perfect perfect color
the laughter that i hear on this end of the phone
and how it is almost unbearable
what a sweet, sweet gift her girls are
how the first conversation she has on her landline is telling her friends about her cousin’s most precious dream about heaven and Joe

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is there anything much greater than picking a bearss lime off of your tree, still warm from the sun, slicing it and putting it in a cold dr. pepper or today’s version of that, a mr. pib?
no.
there is not anything much better than that
certainly takes me back to the good old days
i can’t stop thinking about how this moment is the greatest
and this one
the colors of the sky this morning
the drive to pick up my boy
the most perfect coffee shop and her brilliant wisdom, knowing best where we should stop
anticipating a weekend full to the brim and overflowing
this car
wiping away her tears before school
Will’s special visit with us
and the laughter and joy that he is
orange dreams… always and forever
seeing him thrive with my very own eyes
being Smother’s mother
and laughing all the way
being done!
slipping out without anyone else’s permission
driving my girl to school
chasing the tangerine tiger sunset home
how she seamlessly and so very talentedly switched him to his new glasses
the way the light of the setting sun landed on her at that exact moment
others seeing and delighting in luke laughing hysterically at the talent show
how she affirmed that his hair had properly grown out by the event
the most spectacularly best photo ever from his most precious nurse
how she had to really adult it at the three airports today
how in our little town you can park on main street and open your car door and people greet you by name
receiving the very best voice memos
having a daughter who takes 3 shoes to outdoor ed
intentionally
oh wow, how i missed those clothes behind the bathroom door
this feeling right here
how bummed she was that pointe class was cancelled
how i am inspired to write a substack post entitled “i am not looking for your honesty” (as the recipient of such thinking)
being reminded to breathe
everywhere that i go
and in everything that i do

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how walking into a hot garage brings back all of the best childhood memories
how the fresh strawberries add so much pizazz to my breakfast
learning how to nerve floss
the gentle rattle of the glasses in the dishwasher
a super hard workout with the best of gals
getting a text from my girl
while her song is on my speakers
just enough time to get ready before heading to her school
how he always turns the lights on as a bringer of light
a false alarm with the call
and the laughter that ensued
the fullest and most spectaculars of weeks
being able to speak truth into the hard parts of a dear friend‘s life
oatmeal for dinner
followed by ice cream cake
those little purple flowers that i have never noticed before
how the rock only shattered the bottom of my windshield and not the center
being able to deliver that bread
and having her eat a slice right in front of me
being in the car all by myself
always
how the sun came out for their visit
having 14 people stay with us this weekend
no cavities
the magical face stuff
all. her. voice. memos.
entertaining me wildly on our drive back from LA
how the world is still spinning even though i haven’t sat at my desk for a week now
her noticing how perfectly orange my second favorite coffee mug is
being so deeply touched by the words on the page
her heartfelt tears during our appointment
and being able to hear more of her story
a green envelope in the mail
always.
how i got to leave him home during my pt
hearing every little detail about how exciting and wonderful and wild and fantastic her college days are
and how that does not include hearing about one ounce of schoolwork
how the sun keeps breaking through
the silhouetted trees on our early drive this morning
getting to drive her to school
her soft tears for some of the kids in her class
the rainbow circle in my rearview mirror
how the carts are facing a different direction at tj’s
sneaking in a nine minute nap

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talk to Him.
and listen.
don’t hesitate in going to Him.

don’t say, “gosh, i really need to pray about that. i really need to ask God what He thinks that i should do.”

just ask Him.
right here.
right now.

invite Him in when you are putting your mascara on and when you are throwing in a load of laundry.

when you are at a stoplight and when you are fixing dinner.

talk to Him throughout your day.
remember that He delights in being with you.

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(more this week because my heart + my head need this)

us sharing songs with each other while she’s in the air
coming home!
how her talk was so truthful + encouraging
the kindest of words by others
God answering my prayer before the words were even read
someone else getting to take the lead
her enthusiasm and words “phenomenal”
being reminded all night of her life-changing encouragement
being able to see her in person with my oldest girl
my most favorite (and irreplaceable) coffee mug
driving anywhere by myself (yep, because then i get to have my loud music on)
receiving a photograph of her with mud all over her face, assuring us that she’s having the very best time
the voice memos (aka her podcast)
and the fabulous photo to go with it
simply the best
all of her dress choices!
my littlest guy who wants to make sure that he doesn’t miss the moment when i wake up
about thirty thousand times
the lupins scattered on the hillside, basking in the morning light
my hearty laughter when he stated that i must not be ready to be grateful yet
hearing the best news about our dear friend
meeting a new mom at school and hearing her faith story and being reminded yet again how powerful our God is
having so much time to talk to God throughout the night (a.k.a. Luke waking up at 3am, 4am, 5am and 6am because he’s so excited to see his sister who is coming home from college)
only having to get myself ready this morning
that first sip of coffee
that last sip of coffee
knowing what i must do
being reminded that He wants to be glorified
and that He will be glorified
and that He always has the last word
and that He is victorious

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her idea for me to take a gap year for old people
sitting in my car and texting with (almost) all of my people
being asked
Luke only reading my parts of cm book with Missy
tears
you know it’s a good day when you can see beauty in the dishwasher
seeing her hug her former teacher through my rear view window at school drop off
such a gift
the greatest non-party party
laughing for days:
“how did it sound?”
“well, when i played the saxophone, the lady told me to face the wall”
using an orange pill container to take portraits (stay tuned)
listening to my airplane song while he is in the air
taking a hot minute to put my feet up (so necessary)
a new song
leaving comedy bits on friends voice memos (podcasts) and waiting to hear that they almost spit out their coffee
laughing out loud about her God-given identity
because He’s funny
and how my car reads her name out loud now
working on a life-giving project in my mind while trying to (and unsuccessfully) getting a mysterious stain out of someone’s shorts
catching sight of that one white butterfly
the magnificence outside
loud loud music
being all by myself at home

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