Car Nonsense

Ferrari F12tdf

2015-12-29T22:52:00.002+10:30

There are always easy distractions in life. One only needs to sit down and attempt to bash out an essay on tort, struggling to find the balance between diligently reading cases and refining how you shape the argument, to YouTube. It’s very easy to be reading about negligence, and find a thought tugging at the back of your head wondering if there anything about WW2 army trucks.

Yes, there are quite a lot of them. Moreover, did you know Dodge had returning serviceman ballot the company into producing these for the civilian market? Before you know it, you’re 5 videos deep with your hand bringing a slice of Christmas cake quivering to your mouth, Jay Leno on the screen trundling around the roads of Las Angeles in a resto-mod 6x6 Dodge Power Wagon. After 15 minutes of delicious distraction, the nagging doubt about your current activity returns to your forethought, and you reluctantly drag the cursor across the screen and click close.

What you actually click is a hill climb of trucks in various states of disrepair attempting to scramble to the top of a short mound. And it’s enthralling for some utterly absurd reason. After a few more videos, you close the browser and take stock. An empty plate discarded to one side, a few texts books open forlornly with the best of intentions, and another hour missing.

It’s not just like this for studying. When your director runs out the door to a meeting on sprockets, the temptation to open up the hidden browser you’ve queued up with tabs of excitement are bidding for your attention as you sit there.

How must it be for Mr and Mrs Ferrari? You have an order book full stretching ahead, with an army of loyal customers queuing up to purchase anything you roll out of your factory. The temptation to close your engineering document on rear axle steering, and peruse YouTube for ‘90’s rear steering Honda’s would be incredibly tempting.

Instead they are somewhat more disciplined than your average student, consequently their portfolio of cars are stocked full of absolute belters. Fancy a nimble sports car to pose in? Look no further than the Ferrari California T. How about something to take you and 3 friends to the alps for a weekend of skiing, and has a V12? Ferrari F12 is your answer.

The staples of the Ferrari diet are there, 488 GTB is your nimble V8 (now with turbo!) and the F12 with a powerful V12 installed between the front wheels ready for business. The entire range is incredibly desirable, without a bad egg. Even the faults of the previous California have been rectified; one only needs to spend a good hour on YouTube running through the various reviews of the California to draw a few conclusions: it’s better, faster, and all video reviews of Ferrari’s are exactly the same. Usually someone cross eyed with awe, sitting inside a car with pure hero worship on their mind.

Let’s return to our friend with the rear steer document open, cursor blinking at him. He’s not skived off to YouTube. He’s had the salad, and not filled up on pasta at lunch, not wanting to fall asleep. Moreover why would he? He’s bettering the Ferrari F12; and boy has he been having some fun. Tweaking the recipe to the already and admittedly excellent base model, Ferrari have released the tweaked version: F12tdf.

You can read about all the boring technical bits elsewhere, all you need to take away is that it’s faster, turns quicker, and looks utterly menacing.

Recommended.

2009-06-28T12:24:00.003+09:30

Time have changed quite drastically since I last posted anything of note here. The world as we know it has turned upside down financially, and suddenly the car market is not the beast as we once knew it. Car companies are running out the same slogans we keep hearing from other sectors, piping such nonsense as 'now is the time to innovate,' 'creative ideas come to fruition in depressed times,' etc.

There is an element of truth in this, but most innovation that pushes the idea of how the general consumer views a car probably won't come from established players. Instead reputations are changing, with GM and Chrysler going through major restructuring, Ford seems to have won the consumer hearts.

I digress. Will we see new shifts in how we use cars in such a time? Will new ideas come to the fore? Cars are trending towards higher economy, becoming increasingly safer, but these really aren't paradigm shifts.

Car use as we understand it may change; short term pool renting services, that allow you to pay a monthly charge to have access to a pool of cars close to your residence will become more popular, but these only work in certain circumstances for areas of medium to high population densities, and with good public transport solutions.

The price of oil will continue to rise, and whilst car makers try and combat with more fuel efficient cars, this is only a short term solution. As I see it, if you don't use a car for commuting, instead it becomes a weekend device; this may lead to an increase in interesting metal being built, as the market for a weekend only vehicle grows.

Hallelujah!

2009-06-28T12:22:00.002+09:30

It's been a while since I've last posted on here, but it's high time for me to reboot this blog! Expect a few changes coming up soon, and more posts on car related nonsense.

2007-08-27T21:10:00.001+09:30

Nissan Note

Scientists have just informed National Geographic that by as soon as 2060 there will be no redheads left in the world. Think about this. No more red hair jokes, no more fiery tempers. Apparently around 2% of the world’s population actually has red hair.

The only solution that the scientists have given us is to move to Scotland, where the recessive gene is apparent in approximately 40% of the population – which leads to a greater chance in small ginger nuts running around. Though, confusingly, this will only reduce the rate of our red headed friends disappearing, as the world becomes even more populated. Which lead me onto another thought – what will we look like in 100 years? Our world is becoming increasingly globalised, what happens when all the people in Asian countries have enough wealth to travel abroad? And continue the population intermingling? By then, including Indians and the Middle East, Asians will surely count for more than 50% of the world’s population. Western countries seem to see a decline in population numbers, as birth rates are below the magic 2.7 children mark. Just amongst my close friends, the most children that they want ranges between one and two. Certainly not 3. Which means that us Westerners may be a dieing breed. Rejoice bin Laden!

So where does this leave the Nissan Note? I’m trying to think of something vaguely interesting to write about this nondescript car. It’s styled by committee, rather than a single entity to appeal to all, and succeeds in appealing to none. It has to be the most politically correct vehicle you could purchase at the moment.

In an effort to please Uncle Scrooge’s offspring accountants, Renault was brought into the picture to share costs. The result? More designers wanted input to give each car their own brand identity, which in turn makes what may have been a vaguely interesting design even more bland. Some of the most fondly remembered cars and sales success stories have been elegantly designed and proportioned vehicles – something this car is not. Like red haired people, all the interesting bits got bred out in series of design meetings.

Instead, all this car brought to the world were a series of ill timed exploding car adverts, a day after the Glasgow airport terrorist attempt. Not something to be remembered by. Maybe in the facelift Nissan could add a red hair option.

At least it would be different.

2007-08-22T22:13:00.000+09:30

Why you should drive an old Mercedes

There’s a television series on at the moment presented by Baldric of Black Adder fame. I haven’t taken the time out to see this myself, but the premise is quite simple. He looks for the worst jobs ever in history, and tries them out. Apparently some of the results can be quite amusing. If we had to look around ourselves now, things aren’t so bad.

There are no really bad jobs anymore, we have machines to do the truly atrocious ones. Even the really bad ones pay well – to the point struggling university students would even contemplate doing them. Nonetheless, there are jobs around that makes you question what type of person would devote their lifetime and career working at it.

Security guards are a good starting point. Interviews must go along the lines of “are you a small minded cretinous bully?” If responded in the affirmative, then you’re handed your plastic badge, shirt with polyester lapels and walkie talkie. You patrol deserted car parks, gyms and shopping centres, bored out of your little minds, and most probably go home to sodomise bunnies and puppies. You don’t have any friends, and you most certainly drive a tiny Korean shitbox.
Car park attendants make security guards look like charismatic fellows, full of life and so popular with their friends that they require a PA to organise their social lives. No parking attendants, I have to summarise are not human. Why on earth anyone would want to do a job where you are patently hated by everyone. Even people who don’t drive cars don’t like parking attendants. What do these people tell their friends when asked what their profession is? Lie and say they’re something interesting like a tax accountant? How do these people procreate? Moreover who allows these people to procreate? And the car they drive? Either the old second hand motor bike the council has given them (and should be run over any given opportunity) or a…Korean shitbox.

Which brings me around to Mercedes – old Mercs in particular. You’d have to belong to a lunatic asylum to drive one of these old boats around. Sure, you can pick them up for not a lot of money, but they drink fuel faster than a Hummer, probably one of the most fuel inefficient vehicles on the road at the moment. They cost a lot of money to keep going, and some are getting so old, serious restoration work is required to get them back on the road again.
But have you ever seen an old Merc slide by? Have you noticed how amazing it looks? You ignore the rust streaks, the chrome falling away, but watched as it progressed stately by. You don’t feel any animosity towards the driver – unlike a driver of a new Mercedes. In our current political distaste towards speed, you begin to look like a bit of a tool buying a fast car. Instead, change your perspective and drive something more appropriate. The same applies for most old cars – but there is a line. Unless you’re over 50, anything old and American is unacceptable. Unless you’re a child of a member of the Beach Boys, you have no excuse to drive an old Desoto or Mercury. Instead think Western European. Anything east is most certainly from beyond the Iron Curtain, and unless your clinically insane, or want to die – no, don’t go there. Nothing screams colonial expatriate looking down on convicts as an old Jaguar or Bentley. Cigar and chauffer advisable.

But an old Merc? Pure cool.

2007-08-20T21:46:00.000+09:30

Car Choices

There reaches a time in most people’s lives, when their studies draw to a close. Life will certainly become rather dull. Obligations begin to arise, private health cover, mortgages, and having to attend your partners friends dinner do’s. These are even worse than dull, it’s akin to pulling teeth. Almost guaranteed there will be an engineer and an accountant at the table. These people became engineers and accountants because they have a personality of a limp wet tissue. Having to spend 4 hours with these people, even with alcohol, does not equate an enjoyable evening. Sure, their partners will suggest how much money they’re earning, and that great holiday they’re going to take next week to Thailand.

Oh yes, how people go from raving partier with obligaritory traffic cone on head to domesticated in such a short period of time is simply staggering. It’s like they have sat down, and written a list of things they really enjoy doing, crossed them all out and made the only New Years resolution that sticks. I mean honestly, if you had told that person 5 years prior what their life would be like, they’d laugh at you. Then head to the pub and attempt to have sex with their tutor.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know before heading into a dinner party what sort of guests you’ll be spending your precious hours with? A way you could survey the battlefield before either beating a hasty tactical retreat, or head in prepared with all guns blazing? Well, there is. You need to look no further than the vehicles that are littered out the front. This means that you will be late.

Being late is a Good Thing. This means that everyone notices you when you arrive. Being the first person isn’t so great. You have to make awkward small talk with someone you may not know entirely well, wondering what the funny smell emanating from the kitchen is. Being later means that everyone has at least had one drink, in some cases two, and that people have begun to let go of their inhibitions.

Now, onto the cars. Because most of the people are young, but in a professional job they will have most certainly ditched their first set of wheels for something much more respectable. The Commodore with the mismatched body panels and amusing rust pattern doesn’t project the right sort of image. Instead they have made a purchase, and this time they have more money, which means a larger range of choices.

No, this time they will drive a new Mazda. Or a Toyota, because they have great resale values – don’t they? Here are a few quick tips to narrow down the do or die, sink or swim, attend or not attend?

It’s a new Japanese hatch. Avoid. These are bought by people who really have no imagination. They need A Car and they simply bought a car. Either that, or the husband knows exactly what he wants, but the wife brow beat him into making a mundane choice. Avoid.

German brand. Ah, image conscious. They will be better dressed than you. It’s the badge, so it’ll be the bottom spec, 4 cylinder model with cloth seats. You won’t hear the end of what they did last holiday, and where they’re going for the next one. Problem is, they’ll be strapped for cash.

Saab or Volvo. Walk in now. These are interesting people! They could’ve bought a better car, but instead went for something a little different. It is a new Volvo, they might be part of the previous category, but have a little taste. As for Saab’s, doesn’t matter how new or old, they aren’t good cars. But the people driving them are either architects or graphic designers. Interesting people.

People mover. Probably Catholic. Ever heard the song Every Sperm is Sacred? There will be a child there, and will scream and poo quite a bit. Maybe even two children. Though the wife will probably have big boobs so it gives the men something to look at when bored. Which you will be. The husband will have a receding hair line, wear glasses and will wear beige cotton trousers. Beat a hasty retreat, call and say the mother-in-law has suddenly decided to drop by. They’ll understand.

Italian. Walk straight in now. These people will be fantastically entertaining. The wife will try at some point to have sex with someone else, whilst the husband constantly flirts with the hosts’ wife. You will most certainly have an evening to remember.

American. The older American cars are driven by balding men trying to rediscover their youth, whilst listening to the Beach Boys. But the newer cars? Most of these are driven by Greeks and Turks in their mid twenties with wheels off a semi, and an exhaust the size of a dustbin. They will talk about their car all night long. But at least their wife will be painfully attractive; you’ll have something to keep you amused.

Tuned Japanese cars. Drive home now. They haven’t grown up. Facial acne and hair are guaranteed. Probably fat, and listen to drum and bass. Their skin will be the same colour as an autopsy buttock.

Old cars. See Saab or Volvo. Don’t hesitate, they could’ve bought something much better and safer, but plainly bought something with style and grace.

Anything Korean. Avoid. Drive away now, only security guards and parking ticketing officers drive these, as quite frankly they don’t have the imagination to do something better with their lives.

Keep these in mind if you are thinking of purchasing a car. It says a lot more about you than you may realise…

2007-01-11T12:18:00.000+10:30

Australian Large Car Manufacturer Problems

The last eighteen months have been a difficult struggle for large car manufacturers in Australia. Three of the four prominent car companies have released new products in to the large car segment, in the past eighteen months. Mitsubishi released their Magna replacement, the 380, with huge fanfare. Holden have released their new Commodore replacement – the VE, and Toyota released their dismal selling Avalon replacement, the Aurion.

Due to the long ingestion period of six years or longer the market conditions were very different to the current climate. Back in 2000/2001 there were no real issues with the price of petrol at the pump. The price had hit the $1 mark, but had receded and stabilised around the 80-90 cents per litre mark. These were good times for a large car manufacturer for sales were increasing, alongside initiatives for reduced manufacturing costs. The projected future looked good, and the cars were designed to reflect this.

Mitsubishi were having problems with their Magna through these years. The model was ageing, and the competition had begun to move into newer models. Due to tight budgets, and money being allocated into the development of the 380, updates for the Magna were limited. The French born Olivier Boulay’s facelift of the Magna won no fans, the corporate image didn’t transplant well onto the larger car, similar to Ford’s New Edge design being implemented on the Falcon. Both designed looked good on their smaller Lancer/Mondeo models, but didn’t translate well onto the larger Magna/Falcon.

When the 380 was released, the market didn’t respond as well as Mitsubishi were hoping. Whilst the car was a brilliantly engineered car, they targeted it towards the large car market, a market that was beginning to show signs of slowing. Entering into a slowing market, with cut-throat deals being offered by most companies, consumers have become more savvy with resale values and are more subjective to the looks. The 380 is a little bland looking, and projected residuals were not good.

Holden’s replacement Commodore looks sensational compared to the previous model. No expense was spared (indeed, the $1 Billion vehicle marketing campaigns have let all Australia know), but sales are under projected forecasts. Toyota have weighed into the fray with their Aurion, probably one of Toyota’s best looking vehicles on the market at the moment.

This is the make or break moment for Ford Australia. Their parent company is failing, and won’t make profit until 2009. Ford Australia hasn’t been sitting still either, and has been developing a replacement model for their current Falcon/Fairmont line up. With the current market conditions it would be prudent to Ford Australia to offer a viable engine alternative to the current large 6 cylinder and V8 options.

Whilst current conditions don’t look to favourable for large car manufacturers within Australia, this would be a good chance for the makers to look for viable alternatives such as exporting, or downsizing their operations to more sustainable sizes. Hopefully there will be resurgence within the market or the resultant job losses and economic ramifications will be felt throughout Australia.

2006-12-05T11:47:00.000+10:30

Audi A4

So good, everyone should have one

Audi’s in Australia have never been as popular as they are in Europe. They’ve had this slightly different image about them, the only people you know drive them are architects, advertisers, or piano teachers. The whole range has always been quite stylish, well built, but slightly anodyne and a little too German. Lets not forget price, you could always get the cheaper similar model from Volkswagen. You paid for the badge, and were ribbed for it. We call it the tall poppy syndrome.

One day, Audi’s styling department went for a wild weekend party up in Sweden. Alcohol might be prohibitively expensive, but they had wads of spare cash from over pricing their cars, and skimping on the style department. When the stylists returned, from their weekend bender in Stockholm, they set about styling the latest A4. Gone is the boring grille, slab sides and over-inflated bulbous rear end. Instead the latest offering from Ingolstadt is full of rakish curves, and a huge grill. My mother likes to liken car fronts to faces, the old grille was like a beaver, busy, boring, and if the car bumped up against your legs, it would weave itself around you, cosseting you the whole time with its warm brown fur. The new grille looks like it eats children at school crossings if they dare dally.

The sides are visually lifted with flared arches, and helps disguise the enormous boot. In Avant form (station wagon) it looks even better than the sedan, gently raked roofline, gives it a subtle gangster look, with thicker shoulders. A good friend to have in a fight. Inside, the interior has been given a breath of fresh air, and in true Audi style, it is a really nice place to be. If I had a drawn out commute everyday, I’d relish the opportunity to be inside the car. When optioned up appropriately, there are enough gadgets to keep you amused for…minutes.

Dynamically? Due to being designed & built in Germany, with the smallest engine, this car has to be able to achieve at least 200kph on an Autobahn. The 2.0 turbo diesel manages amicably, and the car has excellent high speed stability. Straight line speed isn’t everything, and the car on billiard table smooth German roads, is capable performer. The natural handling balance is set up to understeer in extreme circumstances. It’s predictable and not very chuckable, but Audi points out that if you desire a sporting version, the RS4 fulfils that role, thank you very much.

Audi has come a long way recently, and have started to take their game up to Mercedes Benz level. They are expanding their line-up, with more models being release in the market. Their build quality has come a long way too, and are build as solidly, and have that lovely over engineered quality that Mercedes’ use to exude up to the mid nineties. Simply, this makes the Audi A4 all the car you will ever require.

2006-07-28T14:37:00.000+09:30

Adelaideism

The wonderful thing about being human is that we are always living in an age of constant technical revolution. New ideas are being tossed about, new theories, new styles, even fashion changes from day to day. Unfortunately, living in Adelaide, most of this constant state of flux is repressed. To say Adelaide is conservative is like calling the Queen a lady that’s getting on a bit, with a small amount of money behind her. So Adelaide gets left behind the rest of the world, dragging its heels, rather like the recalcitrant teenager we all were at 15. We want to do things our way, regardless of what everyone else is doing. The local newspaper does a fantastic job of sensationalising stories to such an extent, that last weekend we were told that by 2010, Adelaide was pretty much going to be a wasteland, in a fug of nuclear fallout.

It seems Adelaide’s policy makers have this utopian dream of us all living in colonial styled houses, dressing conservatively, leading our quiet little lives, and heavens, dare you suggest change, you’ll be simply marched to the city boundary, and the gates will shut behind you. If you want to immigrate to Adelaide (you will, trust me, it’s a great place to die, 40% of our population are retired, so it must be good), you’ll need to pass a test to make sure that you won’t bring any radical ideas into this non changing city. It’s almost as if they want us to reside in 1950, just before the word teenager was invented. This disease, I like to term Adelaideism.

As the youth of Adelaide, we are always looking forward to the day we can break free, finish our university studies, and move out. Brain drain rears its ugly head, our most talented people either being head hunted and offered tempting pay and work, or simply heading further afar to more interesting climes. The United Kingdom certainly is one of the ideal locations for most of our graduates to venture forth to. Lately though, there has been a worrying trend, that seems to be growing. Adelaideism seems to be catching in the UK, and now it has struck the heart of their politicians.

There is a motorway called the M6. It travels from Birmingham to Manchester. Congestion is rife along this journey, with the road struggling to cope with demand. A new road was proposed, called the M6 Expressway, which ran parallel to the M6, and was intended to relieve congestion along the struggling M6. Motorists would have saved 30 minutes in either direction, which has flow on effects, less pollution, less road rage, and so forth.

But this was to never be. Environmentalists (emphasis on the mentalist) have intervened, and blown wind up any investor wanting to invest money in the project. The Mentalists have apparently located a dozen of sensitive sites that this road would damage, the two most prominent ones being Trentham Gardens, and Stafford Castle. Now I’m sure in 1759 a committee of Environmentalists would have sat down with the owners and architects, making sure that the site that they picked to construct the simply massive house was the least damaging to this, ahem, sensitive area. Not. I’m sure the same happened in 1100 to Stafford Castle. Except this time, it would’ve been a civil engineer in place of the architect to make sure that the artificial hill they constructed would be of the least damage to the local environment. Not.

This thinking really annoys me, its backward, stupid thinking. Why stop progress, for progress sake? This happens in Adelaide, where nothing of notable use to the world has ever come. Balfours & Villies pies, pasties and cakes don’t count. When Karl Benz invented the first ever motorcar, I’m sure there were no politicians or eco weenies to disrupt his work. If Karl was alive today, and had just constructed his Benz Patent Motorwagen in Adelaide, you could guarantee he would’ve been marched to the city limit, and told never to come back again. Good heavens, such thinking must be stamped out, lest it spread like wildfire among the population.

Actually, Adelaide has brought something to the world. Adelaideism.

2006-07-18T14:18:00.000+09:30

Hyundai Santa Fe

If you ever get trapped in a conversation with someone over the age of 40, discussing the merits of modern technology, you get the impression that things were much better in the 60’s than today. Life was simple, you worked 9 to 5, you had great music around, and it seemed the sun was always shining. Even the people were more beautiful back then. The cars were simple so you could fix them yourself, if you had the nous, or your mate could fix it for a slab of beer. Prices were cheaper then too, you could even buy a new car for a few thousand dollars. Great times indeed.

What they don’t mention is that modern medicine didn’t exist then, wars were rife, and frankly, the cars were rubbish. The reason why you don’t see many old cars around today is that they tended to rust. Quite quickly too, if you lived north of Sydney. You bought a car every three years, not because it was trendy to do so, because the whole driveline had rusted into one piece of iron, the floor of the car had holes you could see the road through, and bits fell off quite regularly.

Which brings me nicely up to today. Is it possible to purchase a bad car? They may not rust, or fall to bits after you drive around the corner past the dealership. Car companies have cleaned up their acts, and are making reliable cars these days. Well, most of them are, at least.

But is it possible to actually buy a crap car? As we have seen above, the boundaries need to be adjusted. You can purchase reliable cars, that have strong residuals, and we’re also lucky to have a plethora of models to choose from. The small things begin to matter, fuel economy, driveability and looks.

Unfortunately, for Hyundai, the Santa Fe is a miserable car. I can say this quite confidently, having driven it on both sides of the world. I drive a Toyota Echo quite often, and this is a brilliant city car, but rubbish on the open road. It’s noisy, the engine is buzzing away at 3000rpm, and gets blown around quite badly in crosswinds. The Santa Fe is not a city car, and it suffers the same problem the Echo does. At 110kph, the radio has to be turned up so loud, that when you slow down to 60kph it’s blasting at you. The engine makes so much din, it’s still audible at highway speeds. When taking off from the lights, it sounds thrashy and strained.

Fuel consumption is so bad, it’s actually comedic. Hyundai have designed the first small V6 that has a drinking problem. It has the fuel consumption of a much larger engine. Which brings me to the worst point. The styling. It looks like they designed a well proportioned car, then in a vain attempt to make it look like something, tied a rope around the middle and squeezed. The headlights look like they’re bulging out from the front, like a cartoon character’s eyes, the radiator grill looks like someone punched it in the nose, and has swollen up unreasonably large. The middle looks similar to a fat man sucking in his chest, but doesn’t know how to suck his butt cheeks in, and leaves it all on show. This is not an attractive car.

The interior makes the exterior look simply benign. The last time I’ve seen such tinny plastics was on yoghurt containers. They even tried to put a leather texture on the dashboard to give it some visual appeal, but failed. It looks like an elephants hide. The big three knobs that control the heating and cooling aren’t even put in properly. If you push hard enough, they disappear into the dashboard. The drive is just as bad, it leans horribly in the bends, the steering has no feedback, and just does not enjoy a spirited drive one bit. Sure it can go around corners quickly, but it’s a bit like asking your grandmother to the 100 meter sprint. Yes, she can do it, but you feel bad for making her do so.

So what is actually good about this car? I discovered that up in the cold climes of Sweden, where snow and beautiful women are bountiful, sunshine was not. When filling up the car at remote fuel stations on the highway, I came across massive empty car parks covered in snow. Having a few minutes to spare, and being rather mischievous, I found that with a few degrees of opposite lock on, and a right foot welded to the floor makes this a brilliant donut maker.

2006-07-11T20:55:00.000+09:30

Second Hand Cars

I’m in a little dilemma at the moment. I’ve reached the point in were I’m requiring a set of my own wheels, and thus I’ve started to scour the second hand market. The only problem is, as an architect student, I can’t just go out and purchase any old car. So I’ve been slowly working my way through all sorts of interesting publications that advertise second hand cars. So far my research efforts combined with my own personal criteria have quickly culled a lot of cars out.

Price was the first issue. I’d love to be able to walk into my Audi dealership and drive out in an A8. So something more in tune with my budget was needed. Next common cars had to go. I could not go out and purchase something Asian. Korean, Malaysian are a definitely out of the question. I do enjoy a spirited drive, but I can’t have a sports car from Japan. It’s the whole boy racer image that just doesn’t sit well. It also means that you have friends who will talk engine numbers to you. I have a few friends like that, and I have no idea what on earth they are talking about. I’ve tried turning the conversation onto the style of the car, and how ridiculously anonymous or vulgar they are. And the names don’t exactly project images of vast landscapes, with you inside in the middle of the action of your car. 180SX? It sounds like a computer processor.

What about something local? Anything half decent has to be within 5 years old. And it can’t be the bottom model, because frankly, it’s far too common. So that means looking at something a little older, and a little more prestigious. But I’d also want the one with the big engine. And that means looking back further into the mists of time. An old Ford Fairlane, whilst looks reasonably handsome from the outside, the interior is pure American. That means vast amount of plastic, similar quality to the stuff that they make waste bins out of. Sorry Australia, I love you to bits, but no.

I can’t drive anything American because, well, anything in my budget goes in a straight line very well, but does not go round corners. That leaves me with one choice left: Europe. So which one? Old Jaguars are pure sex. They look amazing, and the one I’ve unfortunately lusted after is the venerable XJS. There is one small problem though; they were built in the time when Jaguar’s workers were more interested in picketing rather than bolting the cars together. To say they were built poorly is a bit like saying Rover was a well run car company. The stories about these cars breaking down are stories of wonder. The electronic supplier at the time was a company called Lucas. Or, as better known in the trade as Lucas Prince of Darkness. There are millions of jokes, such as “The Lucas Motto, get home before dark,” “inventor of the first self-dimming headlamp.” And so on.

Italian cars are also out of the question. They make Jaguar’s look reliable. A close friend of mine owns a Alfa-Romeo 33, and there is always something wrong with it. I’ve seen it overheat, break down, bits fall off, it rattles, the headlights shake themselves so loose, that you can’t see anything at night, except the trees on the left hand side of the road. So this really leaves the French and the Germans. And I’ve narrowed the list down to two cars – first, the Peugeot 205GTI. Sure it rattles more than my mate’s Alfa. Bits fall off at random, but this car, more specifically the 1.9 litre model, is possibly one of the best handling hatches of all time. You see it high up in the top 10 hot hatch lists. Lists including cars that are made today.

The other car is German. I’d consider a BMW, but you’d have to buy a six cylinder model, otherwise it’s not a Beemer. The only 6 cylinder I’m able to afford is a 535i. And if I’m going for a car with a big engine, I might as well bite the bullet and go for a V8. This leaves only one manufacturer, Mercedes. To be more specific, the 500SE. A big car, dual climate air-con for Adelaide’s scorching summer and that thumping V8 under the bonnet. Coupled with the car’s indestructibility, this would make the perfect cruising car, or even a long distance loper. Comfortable, refined, effortless style, and that badge.

All I have to do now is accumulate enough funds to put enough fuel in the bugger

2006-04-05T16:15:00.000+09:30

What car to buy?

Times change, and political correctness is, well, upon us. People won’t remember the “Noughties” as a decade of partying like it was ’99, but rather the decade when we all got all conservative, became touchy about all sorts of stupid things, and kicked some serious Arab ass. And got our asses handed back to us by Arabs. Serves us right really, thinking that we could change the political landscape in Afghanistan and Iraq overnight with some Abrams tanks and a few jets. And nude pictures of Iraqi’s in prison being molested by dogs, by us.

No, the most disappointing thing about the day and age we live in is that minority groups get a little too much media attention. There is currently a group camping out on the lawns in front of parliament house protesting about something, since the commonwealth games started. I don’t know what they’re doing, except for the fact that there are probably 13 of them, and they’re protesting about something stupid. There is also a man protesting about logging somewhere, and is camping out at a top of a tall tree. Last report is that he intends to stay up there for quite a while. By all means, let him stay up there. I’ll even get him some McDonalds to keep him happy.

This may all come as a direct result from listening to too much Triple J on my new Bose clock radio, but this isn’t the worst of it. Attempting to be politically correct filters down to our most mundane daily choices. Do you buy organic eggs because the chickens can roam free in a big field? What happens when it rains? Or if it gets cold, as it does frequently in the winter? How about bread? Does the oven they bake the bread in come from organic mines? Is the money you pay for the bread with organic? I think the most organic thing I’ve associated with today was my poo. I roam free (to a certain extent, my bus won’t take me to Queensland at a whim, or the Hay plains), I eat when and what I want, I can exercise (house to bus stop is the limit, really) and get wet when it rains, or get cold when it winters.

But the most annoying political correctness is in the purchase of cars. And to accompany those are some of the most idiotic arguments I’ve heard. Take Typical B Grade Celebrity: Thandie Newton. Mrs Newton is an actress, and has children. She is also quite pretty, and my dear old ugly aunt once told me beauty is only skin deep. I’m not sure if she said this because she’s jealous of pretty women, or if by saying that it brings her intelligence up to Einstein levels.

Mrs Newton drives a BMW X5. This is a fantastic 4wd. Whilst it may be getting a little old, this car still looks good today, has the most ‘car like’ drive of any 4wd, but is quite popular with the B grade celebrity set. And C. Even footballers wives. Now, a Greenpeace activist (aka communist) vandalised her car by putting a sticker on it with the message “This gas-guzzling 4x4 is causing climate change.” Now last time I checked, for every scientist saying that cars are causing climate change, I could find another who disagreed. But our dear Thandie took this message to heart, and chopped her car in for a Prius.

Europe is blessed with a mind boggling range of small sedans. The Prius is one of the most awkward looking of these and the most expensive, but it is a hybrid. And daaaaarrrrling, you simply must drive a hybrid – it practically reverses climate change. Or does it? A similar sized car, with a diesel engine emits less carbon dioxide, and uses less fuel, and looks better, and costs less to maintain. Plus you’re not lugging around the equivalent weight of two dead bodies, or in this case, the batteries.

Mrs Newton made this choice because of her children. Noble, but a little flawed. Last time I went to physics about 8 years ago, the only thing I can really remember is that being in a larger car is safer to a smaller car, due to mass. So by replacing the X5 for the smaller Prius, her children’s “future” is provided for, but if she does have that accident, then at least she can sleep at night in the knowledge that whilst her children may be in a dismembered/dead/mutilated/vegetable like state, at least the world will be a little less dead.

Don’t mind me; I’m going to be the fat bastard driving my S Class Mercedes that belches out more carbon dioxide and attracts no attention from even the most ardent communist like greenie.

2006-03-09T17:52:00.000+10:30

I wrote this in early 2006, hence the reason why it's a little old.

Volkswagen Polo GTI

Volkswagen are the true pioneers of the mass produced front drive hot hatch, the Golf MkI GTI, in 1976. It took the market by storm rather to Volkswagen's surprise and by the end of 1979 had produced over 58,000 units! This was a seriously cool car, and is still considered to be one of the greatest classic hot hatches today alongside the Peugeot 205 GTi. For the Golf though its elevated status isn't through a tasteful bodykit, or a bigger engine, nor even fantastic handling, it was the perfect blend of all three in a versatile two box form. You could storm down your favourite road one day, take the children to school the next and cart a chest of draws the following.

Over the years Volkswagen steadily lost the plot with the GTI, each iteration got heavier and slower than the previous one as each generation passed and Volkswagen lost the purity of the original. That is until the latest, which has been received with critical acclaim but only does through being twice as heavy and twice as powerful as the original. The spiritual successor to the original may not actually be a Golf at all, but a Polo. The Polo GTI.

It weighs 138kg less, has the 1.8 Turbo out of the Audi TT, Seat Leon Cupra R and other VW Group cars. It even looks good. The front looks similar to the current GTI and transforms the dowdy Polo into an aggressive hatch. The seats inside have even gone retro, with a similar tartan pattern to the MkI GTI. Being a Volkswagen means superb build quality, with sophisticated interior appointments.

Unfortunately reading further into the specs does cause raise a few worrying issues. First off, the most important too, it's already released here in Australia way before the slated May for Europe. It's being built in China. South African built Golf's have had quality issues, but there has been little news as to the quality of Chinese built Polo's.

Secondly, it has electric steering. No car with electric steering has been commented with talkative feedback, which is a worry. The front suspension has MacPherson struts (good), the rear has a torsion beam (bad), but does mean less weight over the rear wheels. All these worries are relative though, until a thorough road test has been fulfilled.

Nonetheless, these oversights can be quickly dismissed by the price tag. At $26,990, this has to be the cheapest hot hatch you can buy at the moment. The Clio Trophy costs another $5000 above, which is a lot of money. A true bargain hot hatch? I think so

2006-03-02T17:49:00.000+10:30

Desire is a Cruel Mistress

I think there is something wrong with me. This is not a recent development, but I’m lusting after something foolish. It’s part of my genetic makeup to lust after foolish things, unattainable objects of desire, probably the reason why you can keep a man happy for hours with a few issues of Ralph, Sports Illustrated and Maxim.

Not only wish for things we can’t possibly get, but we go to the point of actually working out the finer points of acquiring said object, and living with it, on a day to day basis. I know that a few years ago, I had a desire for a Porsche 928. I know now that this car costs a lot of money to keep on the road, and when new cost in excess of $180,000, so it had bills for a car that costs $180,000. As a fuel pump boy, with a measly $50 a week, even if I had the means to purchase said car, I wouldn’t even be able to keep it on the road. The engine didn’t just consume petrol like it was going out of fashion, but drank it in huge eye watering gulps.

But for some reason or another, cars from the late 70’s to the late 80’s with rather large engines have hit a soft point inside of me. Have you seen a Mercedes-Benz AMG bodied SEC500? In white? I know I did, and boy, do I want that car. This soft point isn’t just relegated to cars set back in bad hair do time.

My father for example drives a Toyota Landcrusier. For the past 13 years, we’ve had one variant or another in our family. These lumbering behemoths are superb off road, but the latest one has charmed me over. Sure, it’s a face lifted model over the previous one we had. I don’t care that it has GPS, leather seats, and a refrigerated glove box. Or even a light on the passenger side to let them know that their seatbelt isn’t on. Or that the steering wheel can be adjusted with electricity. No, for me it’s the engine. It’s a diesel.

I know, diesel equals great economy (which shows how tight you are), and also provides lots of torque which is useful for towing, apparently. To try and give this car some credibility at commuting, the Toyota engineers have gone and bolted a great big whopping turbo on the side. This car, not only now has the torque to tow a mountain, but it also now has power. And a lovely turbo whistle. Plus, to annoy people following me, when you flatten it, not only does the car shoot forward with alarming speed for a lumbering behemoth, but it also sully’s the air behind with a cloud of black smoke. Fantastic.

But for me, the most recent trend is the aching desire for a Jaguar XJS. I know the electrics are made by Lucas, Price of Darkness, the body rots at the merest sight of dampness, and the rear suspension from the factory, was too soft to hold up the car, I still want one. It will break down every 20 minutes. It will cause me pain in the hip pocket. But tell me how many times you’ve seen one drive by, and haven’t drooled at it.

2005-10-05T13:02:00.000+09:30

Aston Martin Vantage vs. Porsche 911 S

In the lead up to the last National Election, we had two clear choices for leaders, John Howard & Mark Latham. One offered the same promise he'd been offering since he was first elected at the dawn of time. The other was a relative new comer, which was full of promises and sweeping changes for the betterment of the Australian Community.

Australia had a choice, to stay with the old, or take a gamble and vote for the new. Howard promised to the people for no interest rate rises, and no radical changes. We as a country knew what to expect from the elected PM. The new comer was offering a breath of fresh air. Fresh changes to make Australia a better place to live and work. Offered with these choices, Australian's voted with their mortgages and decided to stay with what they knew. And what happened? Interest rates went up within a year.

The Porsche can be seen as the John Howard of sports cars, it hasn't changed since the wheel was invented, and is as old as the dinosaurs. The engine is still in the same spot it has always been, and stubbornly will to the end of time; in the back. Just like Howard surrounding himself with intelligent advisors, Porsche has some of the world’s best engineers in an attempt to dial in the ponderous pendulum effect due to all the weight sitting behind the rear axle. The latest and greatest iteration capitalises on this, creating one of the most versatile sports cars yet, a car you can race on Sunday and drive to work on Monday.

But what about the new comer? A few years ago Aston Martin promised a Porsche 911 beater. Unlike other promised 911 beaters, this was a creditable challenge to the 911's crown as an everyday Supercar. It had the looks, the right badge, a team of excellent and motivated engineers, and most crucially, the price was right.

To behold the Aston Martin Vantage is a stunning vehicle. Feline curves pulled taughtly around its curvaceous body, hunkered down looks, hold itself a clear head and shoulders above contemporary sports cars. This design philosophy carries through to the interior, with wonderfully sculpted dials & a glass starter button to fire up the modified Jaguar V8. It's not just a one trick pony either; the exhaust has a switchable flap inside which opens up to release the feral nature of this seriously cool cat.

But has Aston walked into a fight it can't win? The Porsche is easily one of the most accomplished sports cars you can buy today. And well priced, starting at £60,000($140,000AUD-don't forget the actual $200kAUD price tag is attributed to local taxes) for a precision German engineered instrument that can, and will, last for decades. But the Aston starts at £80,000($185,000AUD), a crucial £20,000 over the all conquering Porsche. Is it worth the extra outlay over the 911? Your not getting the 50 odd years of development the 911 has, but you do get exclusivity, and 'that' badge. It you drive a Porsche, people assume your arrogant and pretentious. If you drive an Aston Martin, regardless what model, people will think you as well dressed, good looking and well connected, all the more reason not to get the cabriolet, to keep 'that' myth alive! So, again, is it worth the extra outlay for a Jaguar engine in a mini DB9? Yes, yes and yes.

Now we had a clear cut choice between our politicians. But hopefully the parallels don't travel both ways, with Aston Martin loosing out badly, quitting the game, and releasing a book whinging about how unfair and unjust the business is.

2005-09-07T15:49:00.000+09:30

Lexus – Taking Over the World

The Toyota Corolla is Australia’s 2^nd most bought car so far in 2005. This is about to change.

In the last election, the labour party, as a last ditched effort to attract voters, decided to appeal to an important demographic. They promised in the last week that they would stop cutting down trees in Tasmania. Other political parties are also starting to align themselves with the same type of voter. And now, car companies have realised, in their slow thinking ways that maybe, just maybe, creating a car for this type of person, might make them some money. First to step up to the plate is Lexus.

The 21^st Century household wife is a well educated person, who may have just sacrificed her career to help in the upbringing of her children. By nature, she’s a pacifist, and above all, she cares. She really cares about her children, so she drives a four wheel drive. But because she cares, she feels bad about all the small animals that are dying because of this large obtuse object that she inflicts on the school run. But because she just cares about her children more than the environment, and remembering only just, she won’t get rid of the lumbering beast, for something a little more tamer, something that in its spare time helps out the monkeys in Africa.

Ideally she would like Pierce Brosnan to come and sweep her off her feet, but at this point in life, she knows that it’s not going to happen, so she’ll settle for second best. All the major car manufacturers these days produce a large SUV, but Lexus has just landed a killing blow, that potentially would replace the BMW X5 as the yummy mummy’s car of choice.

The BMW has been the perfect school run car. It has the badge. It has the looks, and crucially, it’s one that the husband doesn’t mind paying out for. This is because when he was in a waiting room one day, the only choice of magazines to pass the time, were either 4 worded articles, with single syllable words detailing the lives of celebrities you’ve never heard of, or a few car magazines. Whilst feigning disinterest, he leafs through one of the car mags, and comes across an article detailing a few SUV’s, and marking out the X5 as the one to have. He doesn’t understand what it means by lift off oversteer, and plough on understeer, but they sound fantastic to him, and surely, they must mean it’s a good car. The wife approves, and they purchase it, in silver, with the thumping great big V8 and drug dealer wheels.

The vehicle? Well, it looks nothing more than just a Lexus RX330. But when the aforementioned mum is chatting to other mums at the school run, one of them will mention smugly, that hers is hybrid. Of course, they’ve all heard about hybrids, and isn’t it one of those funny little Toyota things? Too small! How on earth would she keep her children safe in one of them?

Her friend shows her the hybrid – the Lexus 400h. It looks like a RX330, but her friend assures her, it doesn’t use any fuel to pootle down to the shops for a frappe mocha latte with Lesley and Dianne.

This is why the Lexus 400h is going to take over the world. This will be the most wanted car; every wife will be berating their husbands, denying them sex until they must simply get the Lexus. It even has an electric tailgate! It’s so good to the environment, she’ll tell all her friends about it, so they’ll buy one, and the whole process continues.

When you hear about the Lexus 400h outselling everything else on the market, remember, you read it here first.

Australian Television and Cars

2005-09-01T20:16:00.000+09:30

Is There Something Lacking?

My favourite pastime, like most people, is to kick back and watch some TV. For me though, it’s just not any old television, it has to be car related, or NCIS related. Porn usually grabs my attention, but it’s not really known for its family values, something that the Family First Party has trouble dealing with.

The point that I’m trying to drive home here, is that on Sundays (and sometimes Saturdays) is usually dedicated to motorsport. Many a Sunday has slid by listening tuning into Trackside, RPM, F1 races, MotoGP, and V8 Supercars. Here we have an absolute plethora of action packed motorsport, but nothing general or light hearted about cars.

The UK produces two very excellent television programmes, Top Gear & Fifth Gear. I’m quite a fan of both programmes, and when there isn’t much to watch of television, I’m usually found watching an episode or two, whiling the hours away.

This has me thinking, we live in a fantastic country. We love our cars; why else does V8 Supercars attract such a large following? A television programme along the lines of the aforementioned shows. Which one would be more suited though?

We have a lot of fine auto magazine writers who would be more than happy to work for a television show (I’m making assumptions here!) and talk about their passion. We’ve already had a television show about cars on Channel 9 that flopped (because, quite frankly, it was really boring), so I believe a Fifth Gear styled show wouldn’t go down so well.

Top Gear on the other hand would be fantastic. Something funny, punchy, a little controversial, but above all, interesting. You don’t need to know anything about cars to appreciate the humour in this styled show, were as in Fifth Gear, it helps to at least be interested in cars.

Why am I writing this article? Purely because I’d be one of the hosts! Hell, it has to be one of the best jobs in the world.

Big Car Woes

2005-08-29T22:43:00.000+09:30

It's not all roses for the large Sedan

All the news at the moment, especially here in Adelaide, the equivalent to Detroit-Motor City, is the sacking of 1500 jobs from GM Holden’s plant. Reading between the lines shows a darker story for the Australian large sedan.
With the price of fuel rising and trends towards large SUV’s rising, sales are declining for Holden’s Commodore and Ford’s Falcon. Indeed, the Toyota Corolla has just eclipsed sales of the Falcon, last month.
Holden have also pulled their midsize sedan, the Vectra, from the Australian market. This never really was a success, and the timing of the declining sales of large sedans couldn’t be at a worse time. Ford should take note, and learn from this. Whilst releasing the Mondeo on the Australian market after Holden pulls the Vectra may sound bad, there is a business case for it to work.
Ford’s newly released Focus took them by surprise, by the unprecedented demand. People are buying the Corolla, Mazda 3 and the Astra instead, due to long waiting lists. Ford won’t be able to get more supplies until 2006 when the South African factories production is cranked up to satisfy demand.
So where does the Mondeo sit in all this? In the lower segment of the sedan market, the $29,990, there are two cars that are predominantly cornering the market are the Mazda 6 and the Honda Accord Euro. Ford should offer the Mondeo, but not just offering a choice between a 4 & 6 cylinder models, they should also push the car into territory that Ford could easily fulfil.
Volkswagen have been surprised by the unprecedented demand for their Golf diesel model, so much so that they’ve delayed commercials due to being just able to meet demand through their dealers. With pump prices rising, and Australian looking for fuel alternatives, a diesel Ford Mondeo starts to make sense. It’s a good looking car, can seat four people in comfort, and a guarantee of small pump prices, something that owners of large 6 cylinder sedans can only dream about.
A sales revolution won’t happen overnight, and it will take a while for public perception to change their views towards diesel. This is helped by more European manufacturers bringing over diesels in their smaller cars; Peugeot is leading the charge here with a number of their small cars offered with diesel engines. Fuel stations can take the initiative as well and offer disposable gloves at traditionally dirty diesel pumps, similar to European fuel stations. Diesel engines in SUV’s are also attractive; Ford’s Territory only major let down is the high fuel consumption, which could be resolved through importing Volvo’s 2.4 diesel. One way to revive flagging sedan sales is offering a diesel, admittedly something the market isn’t ready for yet. But who knows, Ford offering a XR-D?!

2005-08-07T21:20:00.000+09:30

I apologise for not having any updates for a week now, due to work & uni commitments, I've been lagging a little behind. I promise an update within 24 hours.

2005-07-31T15:52:00.000+09:30

In one of my first musings about cars I wrote was a comparison between the Ford Focus, Holden/Vauxhall/Opel Astra and the Volkswagen Golf. I decided to bite the bullet, and actually drive two of these vehicles and compare the both of them. Here is my personal review of the Focus and the Astra.

In Review: Holden Astra & Ford Focus

The midrange hatch segment is a highly competitive marketplace. Thankfully in this day and age, there is no such thing as a bad car, a true lemon, but there are still fantastic cars and deals around, all you need to be is an informed consumer. The Holden Astra has been on the Australian market for about a year now. It is an amazing looking car, with very striking looks, adorned with a few nice touches, such as the ghosted rear taillights. The style has been resolved very well, and is a real head turner, a true love or hate design.

The Ford Focus on the other hand, lets itself down poorly. It has very conservative styling, but that necessarily isn’t a bad thing. Australia by nature is a conservative society, on the whole, and this car should slot itself quite nicely on the roads. A sensible car, for sensible people. It even manages to look sporty with bright paintwork and optioned up with drug dealer wheels, and conversely looks conservative with a more muted hue, something not many designs are able to resolve successfully.

The interior of the two cars are fantastic, and very European. Their Germanic influences are very noticeable, with lots of dark, sombre colours. Both cars feel very expensive inside, belying both their base $20,990 price tags. Every button or dial has a solid, chunky, well put together feel. But when you start to examine both cars closer, cost cutting flaws start to crop up. The Astra has a large silver plastic console in the centre, which just feels a little cheap. Some of the fit and finish of meeting points are questionable, and should’ve been resolved on a car that has been in production for more than a year. The interior follows suit with the exterior of the vehicle, a love or hate, and a little gaudy.

The Focus isn’t perfect either. It feels a little cluttered, but is a vast improvement over the previous generation. The New Edge design has been binned in favour of a mimicry of the Volkswagen Golf’s interior. It feels a little classier over the Astra, but this would come down to personal taste and choice. The only real noticeable letdown was the door interior, when pushed against, the whole panel flexed in, and letting down the rest of the overall excellent interior ambience. But what are they like to drive?

The test route in both cars was a mix of urban roads. I unfortunately didn’t have the opportunity to test the cars more extensively, but a few things were readily apparent. The ride in the Astra was very nice. It felt controlled and well composed over poorly surfaced roads. Were it did let itself down was tyre and suspension noise. Every bump was transmitted into the cabin audibly and when driven over hotmix, you could hear each tyre roar clearly. The Focus has a trump card though, it’s independent rear suspension. The level of ride sophistication was phenomenal over the Astra, and is a clear cut above its class. The ride was quiet, very well composed, and when punted hard into corners, it had an engineered feel tendency to understeer, unlike the Astra that just rode hard on the outside front tyre, forcing the car into tyre howling levels of understeer. The brakes on both cars are good, with a nice solid feel. Whilst the engine in the Focus provides more power (107kW at 6000rpm, versus 90kW at 5600rpm) and is larger, it’s also more economical at 7.1 L/100km to 7.8 L/100km.

In a very tough price class, these two cars are the pinnacle, the Golf is too expensive, and you’re only paying for the badge, and if you chose either car, you have made a good choice. But the ride in the Focus, plus the more powerful and economical engine, puts it ahead of the Astra in this comparison.

2005-07-27T10:21:00.000+09:30

Alright, due to recent criticism, I have been asked to write something a little less scathing. So I will write out my top ten car list. This list does change, and it will continue to revise, but here it is, at the moment, and in no particular order.

a)BMW M5

The current ‘Q’ car. I realise that this has just hit the marketplace, and everywhere you look another magazine has tested the car, and has made glorious comments regarding it, and its brother, the M6. I didn’t pick the M6 purely because the average buyer of a 5 series can option it up to look like a M5, minus the badge and the quad exhausts. So really, what you have is a very fast car with a V10, and no one none the wiser. A true wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I know BMW have had a lot of criticism in recent years due to the controversial look of their vehicles, with Christopher Bangle’s flame surfacing look, but it has been brought to perfection with the 5 series. It is the most cohesive of all his vehicles, and looks stunning from any angle. I wasn’t a fan of Mr. Bangle’s work until the 5 series, but now that he’s been moved away from the drawing board, I now lament this decision by BMW. Their cars have something that neither of the other two large German manufacturers have; on road presence.

b)Aston Martin DB9

Anyone who does not find this car beautiful, is either dead, or thinks a Holden Camira is a good car. This car is so achingly beautiful, I have said before, that I would do almost anything to drive one, let alone own one. I know 007 had the DB7 Vanquish (the car in the movie was a modified Vanquish with a Ford Explorer running gear and a Mustang V8 powering it, hence the cheap looking exhaust pipes protruding from the rear, watch the film) but it’s not the Bond connection that draws me to it. Just look at the car. It is so beautiful, it has perfect notes of aggressiveness in the rear flared haunches, giving it a muscled, toned and taut look ready to pounce, but contrasted perfectly with flowing graceful lines. This car looks fast sitting still, aggressive on the move and very, very desirable. Its little brother the Aston Martin V8 (AMV8) has the looks, but runs a Jaguar derived, Aston Martin fettled V8.

But the DB9 runs a V12, and everyone knows a V12 is better than a V8. To anyone who has heard this car, you know what I mean when I say it has a glorious exhaust note. The distinctive metallic howl exuding from the engine is a mixture of induction noise and exhaust note (tuned, of course) finishes off this package. The perfect GT (Grand Touring) car ever. And you can now get one in manual.

c)Koenigsegg CCR

Sweden is normally associated with making sensible family cars. Volvo and Saab make family friendly vehicles, although owned by larger corporations, still stick faithfully to their roots by providing the world with safe reliable cars you wouldn’t hesitated to recommend to anyone with a family. But Koenigsegg came along a few years ago and turned Sweden’s little world upside down. They have produced the world’s fastest production vehicle, and still have more to give. The car has rather interesting doors, which roll forward, free of the door opening area for easy access into and out from the car.

The engine has a Ford block base, but built up of completely bespoke parts from Koenigsegg. Then a supercharger is bolted on for good measure. This car produces an astonishing amount of power, 620kW at 6900 rpm. It’s a light car, weighing in under 1200 kg, perfect to exploit all that power.

d)Mitsubishi Evolution Lancer 9

The World Rally Championship has influenced the design on many cars over the years. More of the notable cars springs to mind are the Ford Escort Cosworth (all of them!), Ford RS200, and the Audi Quattro, the car that changed the face of rallying forever, through the introduction of all wheel drive. When Audi brought the Quattro into rallying, they completely decimated their rivals. The Group B class of cars still stick firmly in the memories of fans, prodigious power outputs and huge winged cars. The F1 of rallying if you like.

Which brings me to the Mitsubishi. Australians by nature generally go for the underdog, as we relate well to them, with our troubled start as a nation, being merely a dumping ground for the Empire to send their miscreants to. Mitsubishi have been in quite a bit of trouble in the past few years, with declining profits, and not much real hope of a future. They have taken the odd step of focusing on performance cars, and four wheel drives to stay in business. Their Lancer Evolution cars are a testament to a continuing development of the original recipe. The cars have gotten faster, lighter, with more and more technology poured into the chassis and drivetrain. Their engineers have bent the laws of physics progressively, to the extent this car can make the most ham fisted of drivers look like driving gods.

e)Mercedes Benz S600

So it has a big engine. And the new S Class is on its way soon. When I first started to read about this car, it astonished me with the amount of, well, stuff in it. It has 140 motors inside, with only one driving the car. If you want to see what direction technology in cars are going to be taking, Mercedes have always set the trend with the S Class. First with dual glazed windows, radar controlled cruise control, ABS, Airbags, the list just goes on. Quite simply, an astonishing car.

f)Land Rover Discovery

The most capable 4wd you can buy. Remarkable value for money, for roughly, $50,000 Australian, you get an astonishingly capable 4wd, with complete independent suspension, that has all the off road abilities of a live axle 4wd, but has on road comfort as well. Make sure you get one with the locking rear differential. Now with a Jaguar derived supercharged V8, rapid pace is included. The interior ambience has a touch of Aston Martin to it; it’s a very nice place to be.

g)Ford FPV Typhoon

I am a Ford fan, yes. But even if I wasn’t biased towards Ford, this car is amazing. An inline 6, displacing 4 litres with a turbo hung on to the side of it, creating 240kW of power, and 550nM of torque. Did I also mention it has the same clutch mechanism of an Aston Martin DB9 manual? There have been rumours of FPV testing their vehicles with ZF transmissions, which should defiantly see 6 speed automatic transmissions, and hopefully, a ZF derived manual transmission. Hopefully.

h)Ford Focus ST220

Yes, I am aware, that this is another Ford product. So far that makes it 4 all up. The first generation Focus came out to critical acclaim. It was a fresh faced, good looking car. The interior was well packaged, and if you could get over the slash that cut the dash in twine, well appointed inside. The engines on the other hand were a little disappointing, but the ride was something else. It had an independent rear suspension that gave this little car a very planted feel, great feel, and made it handle very well indeed.

The latest generation Focus has hit the market, and whilst the looks have been toned down, the negatives of the original car have been addressed. The interior is a very nice place to be, nice expensive soft touch plastics, a Jaguar derived manual gearbox, and new engines. The ST220 hasn’t been released yet, but it has been graced with a Volvo 2.5 Litre 5 cylinder engine, with 169kW of power (220 bhp, hence the 220 bit in the name). Already a fantastic engine in the Volvo, put into this little car, it will undoubtedly a fantastic hot hatch.

i)Porsche 911 S

I have always been a Porsche fan. The 911 are a testament to German stubbornness (stupidity?), with the engine in exactly the wrong spot. The latest incarnation has a flat 6, of 3.8 litres, with 261kW of power. The latest generation has an updated interior; it does eventually match the feel of spending $220,000 on an astonishing supercar. The car has been developed over the years and whilst it has gotten heavier and wider, it still mimics the original, but without the provocative nature that throws you into the nearest tree, rear end first.

j)Bentley Arnage T

Simple summed up, but a very complex car. The Bentley name implies luxury, at 200kph. A fantastic car for the wealthy owner who prefers to drive themselves around, rather than let a chauffer do the work. This is a stately car, with mind blowing performance from its 6.75 litre, twin turbo V8. Make sure you can afford the gigantic fuel bills that will follow. The finest materials are used throughout the interior, the dash is hewn from wood, 17 cows gave up their skins for your backside, and crushed nut husks are used to bolster the supports for the seats. The organ plungers used for the air vents are just an example of the thought and effort that has gone into this car to separate it from the rest of the pack. For the true captains of industry.

This list will change, undoubtedly. Some of these cars will stay on this list for years to come, such as the Porsche 911, and the Bentley. I realise there are no Lamborghini’s or Ferrari’s on the list, they both do produce desirable cars, yes, but this 10 car garage fulfils the thrills they provide.

My favourite from the list, still is the Aston Martin. So its engine is two Ford V6’s spliced together. It’s the sum of all parts, that makes this car the greatest, and the best.

2005-07-25T17:53:00.000+09:30

Driven To Distraction

I apologise for not having an update last week, I’ll make up by having two this week. Thanks to all the (4) people that read this. Hi mum. Now for an Autocar (before they messed it up) style review of the Camry.

Toyota Camry

Top Speed: Fastest Car In The World (if rented)

0-100: Not Fast Enough

70-0: Ditto

For: Comes with beige cardigan

Against: Comes with beige cardigan

Introduction

The latest Toyota Camry came onto the scene with a mass cure for insomnia. Over the years, for the Australian market, Toyota produces a mid sized sedan, which has been remarkably plain. They have followed, with religious fervour the rather self explanatory 3 box design. The driving experience was a means of automotive that got you from A to B, that looked boring, and because it was so damned reliable, you never had a good enough excuse to get rid of the damned things.

The Camry comes from the American derived Camry, and in an effort to be different, Toyota restyled it extensively. They did such a marvellous job, that it still looks exactly like the American one. Kudos goes to Toyota Australia for such a cock up.

Design & Engineering

Good points are as follows: It’s reliable. It’s a Toyota. It won’t break down. The headlights look good. That’s it really. Oh, the V6 makes a nice noise just before it redlines.

This car has been manufactured in Australia, and Australians can prove that it is possible to make cars with panel gaps that line up, but the Camry isn’t one of these cars. The fit and finish of the car was deplorable. There were gaps large enough to drive a LandCruiser through (like the Toyota plug?), and this design followed through to the interior. The mismatches of plastics are horrendous, but at least are of a similar colour. If you find battleship grey mixed with poo a sexy colour, stop reading and head for your nearest Toyota dealer. Try not to stain the seats. For the rest of us, it’s American rubbish. America has trouble making an interior that is attractive and functional, for mass produced cars. I cannot think of a single American car that has a truly desirable interior, and anyone who is going to comment about the Chrysler Imperial can shut up now, 1937 wasn’t yesterday, no matter how much Morgan Cars argue otherwise (they still make cars with wood). And Art Deco in cars was killed off by Ralf Nader. So shut up.

No, the interior isn’t so much as horrendous, as a standing ovation to the design characteristics of cars produced in the 1990’s. It is so completely featureless, the moon looks like a carnival of bright colours and flashing lights in comparison. The seats are simply pews in which you rest yourself on, and are uncomfortable enough to keep you from falling asleep against the affront to design the dash provides.
A pathetic and shameful attempt really. If anyone considers this to be a handsome car, with a well sorted interior will be taken outside and shot by me.

Plus the handbrake was on the wrong side of the centre console. Every time you go to engage/disengage your passenger will be giving you strange looks when you go to grasp the handbrake as it looks like your hand is on trajectory to their thigh.

Performance/Brakes

This is one area of the car that is better than the looks. Braking, not the performance. The brakes have a nice progressive feel to them, and I was taken aback by the performance they offered. I have not ever known a Toyota to offer this amount of feel and feedback, and to find it in a family sedan was a pleasant surprise.

The performance of the car, to be charitable, was crap. So it had a V6 displacing a truly massive 3 litres, it was pathetic, and limp wrested. It made a nice sound, as I mentioned before when you rev the ring out of it, but otherwise, it was pathetic.

Being front wheel drive, front engined, it had a ponderous feel when the going got tough. This car doesn’t inspire confidence. A Camry driven in anger is not a good thing. The suspension was too hard for Australia’s dreadful roads. You felt every lump, bump, and expansion joint in the road. The ride was truly woeful. The Ford BA Falcon could teach many things to the Camry, though thanks largely to its Jaguar derived Independent Suspension.

Handling & Ride

I pretty much have covered this in the previous topic. I did not enjoy driving this car in anger (in the cars defence there were squeals of protest from Precious in the passenger seat). Front wheel drive, plus a heavy V6 over the front wheels doesn’t really set the car on a good footing to start with, but even so, it has loads of engineered in understeer to sway you otherwise. I didn’t left foot brake/lift off oversteer because I don’t know how to, and I would probably broadside a tree knowing my luck. Ditto to the fact I don’t have access to a racetrack with large run off areas.

Comfort, Safety and Equipment

Comfort: Rubbish.

Safety: It has Airbags, and fantastic brakes.

Equipment: Again, I think I saw a free optional beige cardigan on the options list.

Running Costs:
You put fuel in and it goes. You service it when you need to. It’s a car damn it, and they cost money to run. Plus I think I’ve seen some low mileage BA MkII Falcons around for the price of the V6 Camry. I know what I’d buy.

The ~~Autocar~~ Tristram Verdict

The Ferrari F430 is irresistible, whether you’re viewing it from the kerb or the drivers seat…the F430 is the most exciting high performance driving machine of the moment…err sorry, the article I was plagiarising from was drawing me away. I can’t believe they gave the Aston Martin DB9 only 4 out of 5 stars! And they’d buy the Ferrari over the DB9! Are they nuts? Ferrari’s have lost their timeless beauty, and are now shaped in a wind tunnel instead, bringing that function over form argument to the fore. Quite frankly, the Aston Martin is a amazing and very beautiful vehicle, that I would give up 50% of my chance to have children to own.

Oh, and avoid the Camry, its bollocks. If you really have a need to get around, the bus is a viable alternative.

2005-07-13T22:29:00.000+09:30

Toyota Camry, Possibly The Worst Car In The World?

In my day to day humdrum life, I come across all sorts of people. Due to my choice employment, and study, I certainly meet all types. And from this, you can distil many types of people.

First off are the mature aged women, in their 50’s, with no life left in them. They have the full knowledge that their bodily bits are starting to drop off from this age, and that they no longer have their youthful looks. They fall into the ‘battleaxe’ class. Simply because their simple lives involve nothing more than either serving customers or bitching about customers/colleges to customers/colleges. Nothing is ever good enough for these people, and compassion is something they lost along with their virginity. These people by nature aren’t very intelligent. Usually, and IQ of 75 is needed to walk and talk at the same time. Somehow, they’d make these people look the equivalent of Hawking. They find Woman’s Weekly and New Idea scintillating and in-depth reads. Knowing all about celebrities lives will enrich their lives, just as much as smoking will make you wrinkle free and young again.

They have a perm job on their hair, in some deluded hope that it’ll make them look beautiful. Makeup too is applied liberally, hoping that if you fill in the wrinkles with polyfilla (Google it) that they might regain the youthful sheen. A trowel is part of their makeup kit. In short they aren’t very pleasant to talk to, are annoying, and quite frankly should’ve dropped off the planet 20 years ago.

Next off are the men whose lives revolve around a crappy job. They may actually enjoy their job and find it scintillating. Their jobs usually involve repeating a mundane task over and over again. This ranges from cutting fabric to a certain length, or selling manchester in a department store. They lead a simple life, and have simple minds. To pass the time they talk about women. Or the ‘Job.’ The Job is important to them. It is their life, and it means the world to them. As well acquiescing to their boss. In short, their lives are unfulfilling, simple, and as a result, they are not very intelligent people. They also think that they’re intelligent, and funny, as well as good looking. In honesty, they’re annoying, petulant little children that think they’re grown up, and someone has allowed them to fornicate with their wives, and bred. As soon as these people left school and got a part time job, they condemned themselves to a mundane job for the rest of their life. You can easily see these people in the city, walking along. They are the balding ones, with a fat wife, and 3 children who are all fat, ugly and stupid. They will grow up, leave school, get job, get mortgage, get kids, get fat, and die. Nothing too complex for these simpletons to handle.

Nosy people piss me off too. Not just people who like to gossip and want to know what happens, but people who have to know in every detail about what other people are doing, even if it has not one iota of their business. Usually these people are managers, and are on a power trip of sorts. These aren’t the sort of managers you encounter in the professional business arena, I for one have no experience with this, so I don’t know of they differ or not. Instead, I’m talking about managers that have been promoted from crappy mundane jobs that have flourished into a full time career of crap. They have tiny wages, and, if it’s male, their wives dress them. For men, this is not a good idea, because quite frankly women have no idea how to dress a man. They many think they do, but I can quite honestly sit here and put my hand on a bible without fear of being smote, and agree to the aforementioned. Usually by the time the wife turns 50, she is falls into the ‘battleaxe’ category. As managers, for the uni student, you are going to hate them. You know that you are immensely more capable than them at the job you are doing, and you could also do theirs too, whilst still at university. The mangers realise this, and give the poor student, even fewer hours, committing the student to find another job. And so on. You go to work each day, plotting how to get back at the manager and make them look like a fool.

What ties all these horrid people together are two things. First, they don’t know that they should be grouped together and made to live on the moon, with no oxygen or food, and that they all chiefly drive Toyota Camry’s. This makes it the worst car, in the world! You know that there is some middle aged twat who treats all the people around them like a puppy treats your favourite slipper. In the end you know both are going to get chewed out, and there is not a damned thing you can do about it.

The reason why they like their Toyota Camry is simple, like their minds. It is a big simple car. It has 4 wheels. It can seat 5. It is a Toyota, so it will never break down, even if you leave it submerged in sea water for a month. It also comes in a 4 cylinder model, so they can drive around, in a big car, and look down their nose on the larger 6 cylinder models and laugh about how much more fuel efficient their cars are. It’s this priggish inward looking idealism that sums these people up. They are so stupid, and have such a shit job, that they can’t even afford a proper large 6 cylinder car. And if they can, they’re still stupid.

What worries me, is that I’m about to spend a week in a rented Camry.

But everyone knows the fastest moving object in the universe is a rented car.

2005-07-06T20:24:00.000+09:30

Not a Focus. Or a Golf, or an Astra.

Confused? Read on.

2005-07-06T19:58:00.000+09:30

Focus, Astra and Golf.

Normally when you read car reviews, you assume that the writer has actually driven the cars. Unless it’s in a newspaper then you can safely assume that they’ve just copied and pasted the PR write-up of the car into a column to pad out their automotive section, in some vain hope that their journalistic efforts will amount to more than an automotive magazine. I’ll be writing most of my reviews in this similar vein. Instead of rewriting press releases, I’ll be taking my own bent angle.

In the past 18 months, there have been three new significant cars released onto the local market. The Volkswagen Golf, Holden Astra and the just released Ford Focus. All are significant cars for their respective manufacturers in Europe, but the Astra is the odd one out in our market, it being the only one not produced in, relatively local, South Africa.

All three cars have taken influences from each other’s previous models for styling and engineering. The Focus has grown up. Ford noticed (with envy) the cult following Volkswagen got from the middle class as the desirable, no nonsense and conservative hatch to own. It didn’t depreciate quickly, was relatively inexpensive to own, and didn’t break down like a Peugeot. In Australia though, if you drove a Golf you were a yuppie prat, with bad choice in cars. It was an uninspiring drive; Sport and GTi were only trim spec levels. You could do better with a Peugeot 307, if it didn’t break down all the time.

So Ford focused grouped the Focus to what we have today. Still a fantastic drive, with the independent rear suspension that gifted the car with a planted feeling, but the styling has gone all Volkswageny, conservative. It looks like a car should be. It has a front and a back, with 4 wheels. It should sell well then.

The Astra has always been a little bit different. Opel/Vauxhall (or Whatever) wanted to provide the world with something a little bit different. They achieved their goal. The problem is, in all their exuberance, they designed a fridge. To my recollection I don’t think there has ever been a car that has had a designer sit down at his kitchen table, think of what glorious curves and awe inspiring lines to grace the new Astra, looked at his fridge, and said, with honesty, “hey good looking!” Conservative is the wrong word here. Uninspiring. Tepid. More words beginning with un.

The latest Astra has gone ten steps forward from the previous generation. The styling is more updated and has taken inspiration from the fresh faced Focus. It looks fantastic with playboy wheels but shame about the interior fit and finish; it’s a mix of expensive and cheap plastics. Looks alright though, just whatever you do, don’t touch it. Or do, if your test driving it.

Volkswagen, rather sensibly ignored all the frippery that went on with the other two manufacturers, and went about updating its design. The result is a car that looks exactly like the previous generation Golf has suddenly found itself in the middle of a wild drug and sex charged party. Startling, yes. Unfortunately, the interior doesn’t reflect this, exactly the sort of place a frowning mother in law would approve of.

So there we have it. A startled German, a hatch that a 4 year old would tear to bits in 15 seconds, and an insomnia cure. Which one would I pick? Alfa Romeo 147 GTA. Sure the Alfa would break down, but at least I’d look good doing so. And in this market, that’s one thing that is lacking. Style.

Tristram.