Here’s my first attempt at a Tale, recounting the route of the famous 1955 Mille Miglia won by Sir Stirling Moss at the wheel of the #722 Mercedes-Benz 300 SLR.

Richard has his tongue so far down the back of Jeremy’s trousers he could forge a career as the back end of a pantomime horse. His attempt to foster some Clarkson-like maverick status with his “edgy” humour is truly tragic…meanwhile, James May stands at the back holding their coats as they beat up the boy with the stutter.

Watching last Sunday night, I wasn’t offended by the boys’ latest attempt at comedy – I was embarrassed. Why? Because Top Gear represents motoring fanatics to the non-petrolhead in the street. Although motoring is an integral part of most people’s lives, unlike cookery or DIY it’s place in popular culture is heavily defined by a single slot on terrestrial television. Not only is the keen motorist under-represented in the mainstream media, Top Gear fails to quench our thirst for quality car-based entertainment any more. Despite my gripes, I still tune in religiously for the occasional well executed film such as the Senna or Lancia pieces from the last couple of series, but on the whole I reach the credits underwhelmed.

Alas, the slow decline of Top Gear as a car show is a different matter. The problem with Clarkson and co being the face of car enthusiasts perpetuates beyond the ruffling of conservative feathers with their – usually tongue firmly in cheek – jokes. The programme’s consistent negativity towards green motoring and road safety mean I’m often found defending my interest. Cars are an obsession for me (I hope they still are for Coogan), but I get my kicks responsibly and understand that to continue enjoying driving over the coming years will mean a shift in expectation. The Top Gear presenters however, seem stubbornly stuck in the past.

The world of cars and motorsport alone clearly have the potential to provide comic relief even to those outside our geeky world, so why resort to lazy cultural stereotypes instead?

More irritating than the presenters’ latest cringe-worthy efforts at being funny is the fact the team behind the programme are more intelligent than their presenters’ occassional brand of casual racism. Script writer Richard Porter is the man behind the superbly satirical Sniff Petrol website, an excellent Evo magazine column and some hilarious ranting on Gareth Jones on Speed. The world of cars and motorsport clearly have the potential to provide comic relief even to those outside our geeky world, so why resort to lazy cultural stereotypes instead? I’m not shy to controversial comments and would never advocate censorship (I regularly enjoy the type of content that makes Daily Mail readers’ heads explode), but can we at least stay on topic?

Following this latest embarrassing turn, I’m sure Clarkson, Hammond and May must be considering throwing in the towel on the current, tired format; surely it’s now time for some new blood in front of the camera? In the meantime, I’ll sign off with another talented funny-man making his feelings on the subject known.

Unfortunately their latest campaign for the US-spec Passat won’t be appearing to liven up the advert breaks over here, but it shows that even across the pond VW advertising still hits the spot.

Cutest. Telekinesis attempts. Ever.

A battle-scarred Suzuki SJ410

It’s not often you see a 4×4 in town that’s actually seen some offroad action (and proudly sports it’s battle scars). Rarer still that pint-sized, underpowered hairdresser’s favourite, the Suzuki Jimny Suzuki SJ410 (thanks, Twittergeeks!).

This beauty was spotted in deepest Mid Sussex, having freshly parked and dropped it’s muddy coat on the tarmac. I can vouch that the interior looks just as war-worn as the exterior.

‘Nuff respect. Just a shame about the flat tyre.

If you have yet to see this B-Movie 007 take-off, prepare to cringe to within an inch of your life.

For a brand with such a long and established connection with the actual Bond franchise, it seems unnecessary to attempt the same trick with such an unconvincing premise, sketchy script, and unlikeable characters.

We have to question the culture within Aston Martin’s management when this (clearly high budget) film was able to pass through marketing quality control without being flagged as a potential risk to the brand. Perhaps – as was suggested by several on Twitter – this is a vanity project driven by Aston top brass (Mr Bez, perhaps?), with those at Gaydon HQ too wary to criticise what is clearly becoming an embarrasing marketing joke.

..tweets will no doubt centre around the Rapide’s questionable suitability to transport a team of four from Lisbon to Zurich without the onset of deep vein thrombosis..

As with almost every character driven advertising these days, you can follow the film’s protagonists on Twitter. It would appear @mb_rapide is winning in the popularity stakes, with an unhealthy total of 40 followers at the time of writing. However, I’m already calling time on MB’s prospects for MI5 – her tweet of “they’re highly skilled, the best in their field, but they’re my puppets..” was ill conceived considering her first four followers are the puppet’s (in the film) she refers to.

Future tweets will no doubt centre around the Rapide’s questionable suitability to transport a team of four (mostly over six foot tall) besuited spy-types from Lisbon to Zurich without the onset of deep vein thrombosis. Oh, and what to make of the lack of boot space for Simon’s harp?

I’m waiting with baited breath for parts two and three (due 19th and 26th January respectively) and hope it continues to be compulsive viewing, for all the wrong reasons.

This is what Top Gear should be like: GT2 RS v R8 GT v SLS, flat-out on the road

..with a link to the spiffing video you see above. I can’t speak a word of German, but after a few minutes watching Deutsche-Hammond doing his best Troy Queef impression on a snowy Alp I understood what Meaden is suggesting; an hour of this with Clarkson and his talented photography team at the healm would be motoring-telly heaven.

Top Gear script editor Richard Porter was quick to point out that this kind of content may have geek-appeal, but the BBC would likely lose most of it’s viewers if Top Gear went 100% hardcore on us. A shame, but probably true.

So, why are we starved of a regular fix of well made car-telly? Chris Harris, Meaden’s fellow Evo magazine writer tweeted..

There are 73,000 different cookery programmes on the beeb, and one about cars.

So, is there not room for more car programming at the Beeb? Like most of us, I’m often found scouring Youtube to get my fix of car video these days, and it’s clear there’s no lack of presenting talent out there (particularly from the Evo stable). Harris himself has a solid reputation for finely balancing crib-sheet geekery with sheer enthusiasm for driving on screen. It’s infectious to watch.

I think it’s unlikely (and unrealistic in the current safety/efficiency climate) anything focused on the more hardcore petrolhead will ever see it’s way onto mainstream telly. However, I’ve enough faith in those behind Top Gear that they must realise it’s current format – if the Iraq Christmas Special is anything to go by – has officially Jumped the Shark (if it is to still be judged as a car programme at all).

Let’s hope those in control of the license payers only motoring fix are brave enough to take the format back to basics sooner rather than later – I’m pretty sure the viewers will remain glued to their seats on a Sunday night.

Like much of the South East, the failure of the rail networks to cope has conspired to find me working from home today, which included the obligitory wander out to take photographic evidence of my snowy plight. To my delight then, the group of enterprising petrolheads who saw the latest downpour as an excuse to fire up a 1980′s legend (Lancia Delta Integrale) and take to a Mid-Sussex car-park for some Henri Toivonen-style Arctic action.