The Tax Man cometh, that’s for sure, but when do you have to answer the door? I’m talking specifically about freelance writers/bloggers.

My cursory research says if you make $600 or more in a year you’ll need to file a 1099, but this infographic will give some quick facts at a glance.

p.s. It looks like Nicolas Cage is not above the tax laws.

Brought To By Outright.com

cardiogirl When should a blogger file a 1099? Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

Shameless plug time. My kid is super-fantastically-awesome and I have to share this drawing she made last night. The pencil drawing is hers — yay, team! The color drawing is from the video.

I’ll wait while you ooh and ahhh.

And this is the actual video that taught her how to be extra super-fantastically-awesome. I’m not bragging, I’m simply stating an empirical fact, jack.

cardiogirl My kid’s awesome and that’s a fact, jack Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

TO: The kid with peanut allergies in my sixth grader’s class
FROM: Cardiogirl
RE: Negotiations

Hey pal, how are you? I’m sorry to hear about your peanut allergies. That must really suck because Reese’s Cups are the bomb — seriously.

Anyway, my kid told me that the school recently switched things up at lunch time. In the past they segregated the chicks from the boys at lunch during eating and recess. They said it had to do with posturing among the students or something; whatever it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you all eat and have recess together now. Way to go on maturing as a class, I guess.

But this now means my kid can’t have a peanut butter sandwich at lunch. While annoying, I get it. But it’s Lent, dude. What am I supposed to send her on Fridays?

What do you eat on Fridays?

Regardless, I’m down with eliminating peanut products when my kid brings stuff in for the entire class but I’ve got a six-week proposal for you.

My kid says you two sit on the same side of the bench each day at lunch but there are two kids between you. I have faith in you and I believe you can keep your hands to yourself, gingah. Same goes for my kid.

This is an opportunity to show your parents how responsible you are.

You’re 11 going on 12; you can do this! Just keep your hands to yourself at lunch while sitting two kids down away from my kid and my kid will commit — for the next six weeks (until Easter when meat is welcome at lunch on Fridays) — to washing her hands before and after lunch.

This is still a win-win even if you do come in contact with the peanut butter. You’ve got some sort of syringe with the antidote, right? Your parents will be doubly impressed if you inject yourself and save the world in the process.

Deal? Have your people call my people and I’ll draw up a contract.

Thanks in advance, buddy.

Look at that! My lazy is alive after all. Thanks for your patience, VIPers.

cardiogirl Let’s make a deal, kid Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

One day I want to walk into a job interview wearing a pair of Converse low tops. I haven’t considered what sort of outfit I’d wear with them; I suppose that means this pipe dream is half-baked. I’d probably be interviewing at a marketing or advertising firm so I think I’d have to go with an Ellen DeGeneres vibe: new black jeans, a crisp button up shirt and a blazer.

With my low tops. I think I’d probably spring for a new pair because wearing a new pair makes me feel chipper and it’s good to feel chipper when going on a job interview.

Anyway, I’d walk into the reception area where the receptionist would greet me with, “Welcome to the Mandrien Consulting Group; how can I help you?”

“I’m Cardiogirl; I have an interview with Julian Banks.”

“Ah yes. Have a seat please, Mr. Banks will be right with you.”

And that’s when I would start second guessing myself. I’d start to sweat but wouldn’t dare take off the blazer since armpit stains do not scream success. Then I’d start to worry about my most dreaded interview question: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Gah! I have no idea where I’ll be in five years. Alive? At my goal weight? Breathing down 50? Working at a job I can deal with so I’m bringing in money to pay the mortgage?

Hang on. If this is just a pipe dream why do I have to be neurotic about it? I know. It’s who I am; I can’t even dream big without stressing out. With that new mindset, I’d like to walk in cold, with my low tops, and just casually answer Julian’s questions.

I’d lean back in the interview chair, stretch my legs out and cross them at the ankles. “Thanks for meeting with me Julian. Can I call you Julian? Great. Thanks for your time, Julian. Now what, exactly, does this job entail?”

I’d go totally stream of consciousness with my answers: “That is a great question, Julian. I’m not sure where I see myself in five years. I’d like to be at my goal weight and I’m hoping my kids will outgrow their allergies so I can get a cat but beyond that, I’m open for suggestions.”

“What can I offer your company? I think the real question here is what can your company offer me?”

I also like to think, in this pipe dream, that I’d be totally cool when Julian began to berate me and then called the secretary to see me out.

I’d stand up, shoot my cuffs and say, “Goodbye, Julian. We really aren’t a good match.” I’d turn away and then look back over my shoulder as I said, “When you get your shit together, give me a call.”

Now that would be an awesome way to end a job interview.

cardiogirl Should I add wearing a pair of Converse low tops on a job interview to my bucket list? Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

Guest post written by my buddy Aldo Mays

Ever since we got Direct TV at home I have been completely addicted to Bar Rescue on Spike TV. I’ve always wanted to own a bar, so maybe that’s why I like the show so much.

The show is about a “bar expert” who helps failing bar owners spruce up their places and make a profit. Before watching this show I never realized how hard it really is to run a bar. I thought it was all fun and games, and that it would be a lot less stressful than my current job.

From watching the show I learned that I was sorely mistaken. Everything from the size of the glasses to the height of the barstools contributes to the profitability of the bar. I also see that keeping tabs on employees can be a huge challenge too.

The bar expert often changes the décor, and the menu of the bar, which doesn’t always go over well with the owners. I guess it’s not easy to admit that you aren’t doing a good job, but in the end they are all usually very happy with the results.

cardiogirl Bar Rescue Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

Here’s a not-so-rhetorical question for you.

Is it better to have a family of five taken down with the intestinal flu all at once or in succession eight to 36 hours apart?

Discuss.

cardiogirl Go down in flames or slowly increase the torture day by day: discuss Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

Guest written by our friend Mason Abbott

One of my favorite reality television shows to watch these days is Supernanny. There are parts that I don’t like. For example when the children on the show are allowed to run around cursing and hitting and biting their parents but this is only in the beginning.

The nanny, Jo Frost, will come in to the home for an observation day to find out what is going on and what the normal family routine is like. She will then make assessments based on what she sees and will adjust things accordingly.

Jo is really great at assessing the underlying issues in the relationships between the parents and the children and even between the mom and the dad. Sometimes she spends more time counseling the parents than she does correcting the children’s behaviors.

She recognizes the things that it is sometimes hard to see when you are the one in the relationship or in the family situation and she helps each family take a step back and realize what is going on.

Check out your DirecTV guide to find out when Supernanny comes on in your area.

cardiogirl Supernanny Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

The Spam Mash-Up started a while ago when I discovered that some spammers are pretty clever and sometimes even witty. If you make me laugh you will get my attention, that’s a fact.

So now I peruse my spam folder in search of a good nugget. Last time those crazy kids were extolling my virtues and laying it on thick. Yeah, I enjoy the accolades even if they are false.

Today’s batch of spam is philosophical and each one reads like a fortune cookie. Feel free to add the phrase “in bed” after each fortune if you feel the need.

It is the best time to make a few plans for the longer term and it’s time to be happy.

- Naida

You know what, Naida? It really is time to turn that frown upside down. Come on get happy!

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

- Scutece

Snaps Scutece! By the way, how do you pronounce that name — soo-teece? Regardless, nice job wishing me good health while slipping in some financial stuff. It’s like a subliminal message.

Is it necessary to be the lifetime of the party to have fun? Being yourself is usually the simplest policy.

- Lawrence

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to be the lifetime of the party, but when you add “in bed” to this equation the answer might differ.

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure but I don’t know many of them.

- Robb

I’m not much of a bath person, but I think this axiom could hold true for me if we substitute hot tub for hot bath.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Think of joy, Forget the fear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Be joyous, Coz it’s new year! Happy New Year!

- Scutece

Look at my friend Scutece sliding in with a New Year’s greeting! Thanks, pal. I’ll be sure to leave the tears at the door.

cardiogirl Spam Mash-Up: The fortune cookie edition Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

I like it when a celebrity shares some inside information, but only if it’s something most of the general public can relate to. I’m not feeling LeAnn Rimes’ pain because everyone thinks she’s anorexic.

But I digress. I can only think of two celebrities who’ve come clean with some information that I think is useful.

Kathy Griffin

You’ve probably seen the sharp-tongued redhead on Bravo but if not, she’s a comedian who relentlessly skewers A-list stars. I do cringe as I laugh because she does decimate them but, apparently, that doesn’t stop me from watching.

Anyway, she’s had her fair share of plastic surgery that she openly admits to. Right there she gains a lot of credibility with me. She’s honest about it instead of saying she just has good genes.

And while I’m on my soapbox, I also appreciated her stand-up bit about celebrities and dieting. You know the drill, most celebrities will say they eat whatever they want and never gain weight since they “just have good genes.”

Kathy calls bullshit on that and so do I. Her own method of dieting goes like this — frustration and starvation. She’s frequently quoted as saying, “I’m hungry all the time and I’m cranky.” Finally, some honesty in Hollywood.

Regardless, she’s tangled with liposuction in the past and it did not go well for her. She had some nasty complications that included a bad infection and a week-long catheter. And after she recovered she said she didn’t see any difference in her body!

What impressed me was that she didn’t go on a crusade to stop liposuction. She just pointed out that every procedure has risks and then, years later, underwent lipo again with good results. I’m positive I wouldn’t have gone through that again but I admire her for telling it like it is.

Patricia Heaton

The only other person who’s spoke sincerely, in my opinion, is Patricia Heaton. She played Ray’s wife on “Everybody Loves Raymond.” On the show her character had three kids that included a set of twins. In reality she had four kids via four C-sections and then she had a tummy tuck and a breast reduction. (It’s crazy to hear about a breast reduction in California, isn’t it?)

You know why she did it? This is what she told People Magazine: “Vanity. I mean it. Vanity.”

Bravo, Patricia Heaton! You get a one-woman standing ovation. She owns it, gingah. She didn’t like how her body looked and so she made a change. She did not tell the world that she did 1,000 crunches every day for three months to get a flat stomach.

Total side note: I just thought of this, how much does a tummy tuck cost? Unless your doctor is willing to massage the insurance forms, all of these procedures have to be deemed cosmetic and optional. As far as I know, there’s no insurance company that pays out based on vanity.

I know. These are celebrities with tons of disposable income. Buying cheek implants is probably like upsizing that McDonald’s Extra Value Meal.

So tell me, are there any celebrities out there whose honesty you admire?

cardiogirl Snaps to you Kathy Griffin and Patricia Heaton Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.

I wish I were a better housekeeper. Strike that, I wish I had a housekeeper.

I got a phone call yesterday at 5 p.m. from an insurance guy who needs to take pictures of our house for a new homeowner’s policy. And he’s coming over this morning at 10.

Side note: If I never post again it was the faux insurance guy who killed me and then hid my body. His first name is Rick, I didn’t catch his last name.

We switched insurance companies and are saving a thousand bucks a year, but part of the deal is that they come inside and photograph the kitchen, bathrooms and basement. I wanted to get it over with so I told him to come over today and then I set about frantically cleaning the house. I should really install a few enclosed bulletin boards. That way my to-do lists would remain where I put them and not under the table.

I can work myself into an anxious frenzy with little to no notice and I absolutely hate the pop-in. Most of the time, the house is ready for a pop-in but I prefer having advance notice so I clean to my satisfaction.

I can tolerate 75% cleanliness with my kids and husband. Everyone else requires 100% and I’m talking about everyone — the furnace repairman, a neighbor who ran out of butter (yep, I have one neighbor who’s allowed inside to borrow food) and the cable guy. If I hung one of those enclosed fabric bulletin boards in my kitchen I would have a decorative place to put all of my kids’ school work. Ugh, they come home with half a forest in their backpacks every day.

But keeping order in the house would be easier. I routinely scour this place for the babysitter, my kids’ friends and overnight guest. It never fails; once a foreign body is in my house I suddenly have X-ray vision. Those are the times, while I’m sitting on the couch, that I notice the cobwebs in the corner and the yogurt container that my kid left on the bookshelf.

Excellent.

Back to my lack of organizational skills. I could probably install enclosed cork bulletin boards on the inside door of my bedroom closet. No one would be the wiser and I could keep things under control. Well, I could keep my lists in one spot and I could use some snazzy push pins without my kids stealing them.

But the thought of this guy coming into the house and capturing this stuff on film — forever — has sent me into a crazy spiral. I know that he’ll use a digital camera and that the photos will be attached to our policy. I realize these insurance people could give a shit about a missed glob of shaving cream on the bottom of my pedestal sink.

But knowing that I’ll see it while he’s snapping away is really making my chest tight. And yes, just in case you’re wondering, it really is difficult to be me.

cardiogirl Clean House, the extreme anxiety edition Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun Cardiogirl: 19% body fat 100% fun - A humor blog that prominently features Converse low tops, sarcasm and the occasional celebrity.