Carolyn's Story

Her Last Day

2015-06-11T19:34:00.001-07:00

Hi Everyone. It's taken me awhile to provide an update here, but I needed some space away from everything and have been trying to figure out what the new "normal" is.

I wanted to provide you an update on her final moments as they were so perfect and just the way she would have wanted them. On Friday, I had asked my husband to take the day off work so that we could go grab brunch together since it had been so long since he and I had had that kind of time together. My sister and one of my mom's best friends, Debra, came to be with her so that we could go out. I truly thought that she had at least another week left at this point - even though she was sedated, hospice had guessed she would go into a coma and survive another week. While I was out, hospice stopped by and told Melissa that Carolyn had started the death rattle and she didn't think there was much time left at all. So I rushed home and we called the entire family over to have final moments. After a couple hours of sitting in her room together talking about memories, the family left since we figured she still had at least a few days to go.

I had had very little sleep for several weeks at this point and was exhausted so I figured I would take a nap. Debra stayed in the room with Carolyn to read scripture. Melissa went downstairs to eat some dinner. I started to drift for a few minutes when at 7pm I heard Carolyn make some noise. I then realized I'd almost forgotten it was time for her next round of meds. I went into her room, gave her the medicine and then sat down. Melissa came up with some cookies for the three of us. We sat and talked about heaven while eating cookies when at 7:15, my mom took a really long gasp and then paused for the longest 10 seconds of my life - we didnt know what to do. Obviously we were at peace with her passing but it's really hard to resist trying to revive her in that moment. 10 seconds later she took one last breath. In that last breath, my heart popped in the oddest way and I knew - she was gone. I didnt have to wait for another breath. That was when it hit me so so so hard. She was gone. The grueling caretaker duties that had kept my mind off of what was really happening were removed. I had just lost my mom. But I was also so relieved that her last moments were perfect. Talking about heaven, cookies and all three of us there. I almost missed it 15 minutes prior by taking a nap. But God timed it perfectly. He guided all of us into that room at 7pm.

Her funeral was perfect. It was everything she wanted and it honored her and God so well. Below are the speaking notes from the officiant and the verses that I read in remembrance of her.

My Mom

by Kristen Hamerstadt

Many have asked over the last couple of years, what it was that gave my mom so much peace and courage in facing death. And how was she so certain that she would be going to heaven? She accepted Jesus into her heart as a young girl … but it doesn’t stop there. Over the course of her life she built a beautiful relationship with God. A love story if you will. She actually catalogued her love story with God in this diary that she one day knew her daughters would find and read. She started this journal in 1997 and throughout her life she would update it with her thoughts, her growing relationship with God, and her favorite Bible verses. She has SO MANY favorite Bible verses. In fact a couple months ago I asked her which scriptures she wanted me to read at her funeral – she opened her Bible and started naming so many passages that it would have taken an hour to go through all of them. So for the sake of time, I’ve selected a few verses to read that my Mom penned in this journal that spoke to her in key moments in her life as well as some select passages penned by her.

Psalm 56:8 - (Mom penned an author’s paraphrased version of this verse) “God feels your sorrow deeply. He says “The thought that your tears would flow without anybody noticing is so appalling to me that I’ll collect every tear you shed, put them in a bottle and present them to you in heaven so you’ll know the extent of my concern for you.”

David spoke about how Mom had to climb difficult mountains. And there were many. But they made her so so much stronger. I can imagine Jesus giving her the bottle of tears as soon as she stepped into heaven saying “Well done my faithful servant, as you have loved me I have also loved you.” Here are a few verses that helped her during some of the difficult times.

II Corinthians 12:10 – “For when I am weak then I am strong”

I Peter 4:12-14 – “Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.”

Hebrews 13:5 – “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I don’t know how many times she quoted Hebrews 13:5 to me and Melissa when we were experiencing difficulties. It was a verse that she penned often in her journal and was the verse she included in her first letter for me and Melissa to read after she had passed away. I will never leave you nor forsake you. She said it was God’s way of giving us a hug and a pat on the knee. Those in the Broughton family will know that a pat on the knee from Grandma Phyllis was the ultimate sign of affection. It was the same with my mom.

It wasn’t all trials and tribulations for my mom. When those closest to her describe her it always comes back to how she found joy in the simplest things. Whether it’s sitting down to a fresh cup of coffee, gardening in her flower beds, taking some time out for yogurt topped with strawberries, reading to her grandchildren … she found DELIGHT in them. In the same way she found delight in God.

Genesis 9:16 – “Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”

God spoke to Mom and gave her little signs of His undying love for her. She called them his little “winks” to her. One that was constant was that God would send her a rainbow when she needed it the most. She’d look up in the sky, discover the rainbow, and remember … God’s promises never fail. I had the privilege to be with Mom during a couple rainbow sightings and you should have seen the look on her face – she was completely enraptured. She wrote about another “wink” from God in her journal. “ September 21, 2008 – Another special wink from God. Today after church, I was reading my Bible when I spotted a little tiny hummingbird outside my bedroom sitting on a limb. At first I couldn’t believe it was a hummingbird just sitting there! They never sit still! I got up and got very close to the window and the limb was very near. He was facing me. I could see his long needlepoint beak – he sat there for 5 minutes! Then when he got up, he darted around that branch for a few minutes with the characteristics of a humming bird before darting off!

In closing, I wanted to read a verse that Mom penned that just describes her love story with God so perfectly. And is the “secret”, if you will, to finding peace, understanding and JOY in the face of death.

Lamentations 3 – Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fails. They are new every morning – great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him, it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Let him sit alone in silence for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust – there may yet be hope. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.

We love you, Mom - with all of my rainbow heart.

Carolyn Neal

by David Kampert

A little over a year ago I was driving down I-44 in Southern Missouri. I had recently taken a new job in St Louis which required me to travel. As I was driving I got a Facebook message. It was Carolyn. I decided to pull over to see what it was about. To be honest I was still experiencing a little bit of shock from learning a few months earlier that she had terminal cancer. Carolyn was messaging me because she wanted to ask me about today. Since that day in Feb of 2014 I’ve been thinking about what to say on this day. Not because it’s a struggle to come up with something but rather a struggle to come up with words that can adequately describe the sacrificial, devoted, and despite her circumstances joyful life she lived. To try to put into words who Carolyn was, who she was to each of you, and to describe her extremely personal relationship with Christ only lessens the reality of what that was. There is so much lost in translation. It’s like standing on a beach and taking a picture of a magnificent sunset or standing on a mountain peak and capturing a photo of 20 other peaks in the background. Only to get home and see the photos and realize, they don’t compare to the real thing. Pictures always pale in comparison. My words today will pale in comparison to the woman that Carolyn really was. Most of us in this room today had the privilege of knowing Carolyn. Honestly, there is no way to capture the beauty of those moments. If you’ll allow me I’d like to share a “few photos” that I believe highlight who Carolyn was and how following her example can help us become more like Christ.

(SUN AND BLUE SKY)

The first photo I want to share is a photo of a brilliant sunny sky. I want each of you to pause for a moment and think of that perfect sunny day. It’s mid-morning, 65 degrees, the air is cool but as you turn your face to the sun you can feel it’s warmth on your cheek. The sky is a most brilliant blue. When I think of this day it brings a smile to my face and feeling of joy to my heart. This is what Carolyn did for everyone she met. She was that radiant sun that warmed your face. Her gentle and joyful spirit overflowed into her wonderful smile. Carolyn had the best smile. Her whole face would light up. I remember it was 1999 and I was working for State Farm Insurance at the time. I remember walking into an office and being greeted a very nice receptionist. As I walked in she greeted me and had a smile from one ear to the other. I thought, “Wow this lady is really happy to see me!” I quickly discovered she greeted everyone that way. It wasn’t just me. It was who Carolyn was. Carolyn’s smile wasn’t a forced attempt to cover up how she really felt so others would always think everything was ok. Her smile came from the overflow of her heart. She had such a joy about her that was very encouraging and heart warming. You always felt better after being with her. Her inner joy allowed her to find beauty and fun in the simple things of life. Whether she was playing games with her daughters or praising God at the top of her lungs on Makinaw Island while riding her bike, her joy was always evident. It was always evident because her joy wasn’t dependent on external circumstances. It came from a deep, abiding relationship with Christ.

Carolyn personified Psalm 16:11, “You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

How’s your smile? How’s your heart doing? I know it’s heavy today but how’s your joy? Do you find joy in the simple things or are you always searching for that next new thing to bring you joy? You’ll never find true contentment or joy in anything or anyone. You’ll only find it in Christ. The same joy that Carolyn possessed was not an exclusive right. It’s available to us all.

(MOUNT FUJI)

The 2^nd photo that I think represents Carolyn’s life is that of a rugged, snow-capped mountain. 10 years ago my family and I had the opportunity to go to Tokyo, Japan on a mission trip. While we there a group of us, including my 10 yr. old and 12 yr. old sons, decided we were going to hike Mount Fuji. I don’t know if you’ve ever hiked a mountain like that before but it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Despite how difficult it was, we all made it the top. There were certainly points along the way where I really questioned why I was doing what I was doing. Times I wanted to quit. Times my sons wanted to quit. But we kept going. Carolyn’s life was not without her own Mount Fuji. In fact she probably had more than 1. In fact I would say that we all have stood at the base of our own mountains and struggled with the choice of whether to climb or to stay. Carolyn always chose to climb. Not only to climb herself but she’d climb with her daughters in tow. As only a mother could do, she never left her daughters behind. No matter how difficult it was, she did whatever she had to do to bring them along. How does someone do that? How do they make it through such difficult times? They’re able to climb that mountain because they don’t set their hearts on where they are. They set them on where they’re going.

Hebrews 12:2 reads,

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it’s shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Where is your heart when you find yourself in the valley? Do you find your heart seeking God or questioning God? Are you listening to people who want you to stay in the valley or people who want to join you in the climb? Some of you in this room joined Carolyn on her climbs. I know that Carolyn would want to thank you for joining her, for being there to support her, to encourage her, and probably at times to carry her when she couldn’t go on herself. We need each other. Everyone one of us in this room struggles. Everyone one of us has issues. You don’t have to stay where you’re at. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, God is for you, not against you.

Carolyn would tell you, lean into Hebrews 13:5, “I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, leave you or forsake you.” No matter how painful or difficult life gets, you’re never alone. In Carolyn’s darkest days, days when she didn’t feel like smiling, days when she didn’t feel like climbing, she rested and reminded herself, “God is with me. If God is for me, then no one can stand against me?” Her truth is your truth because it’s God’s truth. Embrace it.

(SUNSET)

The 3^rd and final photo that I wanted to share is that of a glorious setting sun. There’s nothing I love better than standing at the edge of the ocean and watching the sun fall into the sea. The reds, yellows, oranges, and purples swirled across the sky. I could watch it a 1000 times and never grow tired of it. There are days we all wish would never end. Sunsets we all wish would never come. In the last year I’m sure there have been many of those days as many of you were blessed to be able to spend time with Carolyn. But the harsh reality is that life on this earth, just like the setting of the sun, will come to an end. The writer of Ecclesiastes said it like this in Ch 3:1,2

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die…”

Most people don’t want to think about the end of their lives. Not until circumstances force us to. For the last year Carolyn was forced to think about hers. Just like every other time when she was dealt a hand of cards she didn’t deserve, Carolyn did what she always did – she looked up, she looked forward. She looked beyond what she could see to a place she couldn’t see or touch or feel - at least in her physical body. But in her heart, it was as real to her as the room we’re all sitting in. What gave her the ability to do that? Her faith.

Carolyn’s life verse was, Psalm 28:7, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.”

Carolyn trusted God because he’d helped her many times before. Her trust in God was born out of adversity, not privilege. Carolyn knew God the way she did not because she’d led an easy life and had received everything she always wanted, but because she experienced God whether she had a little or a lot. Carolyn’s life should inspire us to not think of God as this mystical being in the bye and bye but rather to think of him as a father in the here and now. He doesn’t just want to be the God of heaven, he wants to be our Father right here, right now. He was her strength and shield. So when faced with life threatening cancer, death had no sting for her because she believed the same Father that had met at the bottom of every other mountain she’d had to climb before would be there for her to climb this one as well. Her belief was so strong you could see it in her eyes. Even her doctor, who’d seen many a person gazing into death’s door, noticed something different about her. The difference was not just who she was, it was who she was with. With her Father by her side, even death was nothing to be afraid of.

Carolyn’s life was an inspiration to so many. For those of us that share a common faith, we have hope that goodbye is never forever. I have no doubt that we will see Carolyn again. What a glorious day in heaven that will be. I’m sure she’s already busy helping prepare our reception.

As we leave this place I pray that each of you will take comfort in this verse from Lamentations 3:22-25, “22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” 25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;”

May he comfort us all and give us strength until that glorious day when all of us who have received his precious gift of salvation through his son Jesus shall join him and all of our loved ones in Heaven.

Amen

Come home, you who are weary, come home

2015-04-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

Since I last updated you, my mom's condition has gone downhill so significantly and so quickly. Late last week I just had this feeling that this coming week her condition would change in a big way. I didn't have anything to pinpoint it exactly. I just saw the tiniest of changes that weren't triggered for any reason other than because her body was preparing the way.

For the last several weeks, my mom has not been open to having visitors. In fact, she was only comfortable with me and my sister staying with her and taking care of her needs. Completely understandable given that slowly dying is a private and intimate event. Instead, she wanted her siblings to wait and gather around her in her final hours. Nevertheless, I thought I would try asking her if she was open to visitors this last weekend. Given that I had this gut feeling that something would shift this coming week, I thought it might be a good idea to let her siblings hang out with her one last time while she still had a bit of her personality and shining light about her. And surprisingly, when I asked, she said "well, yes, that's the plan isn't it?" So on Sunday they all gathered around and while Mom was weak and not very talkative, she was still herself.

On Monday morning, I could tell that she was losing herself. I know that she had lost herself a couple times before, but this time I hadn't changed anything in regards to her medication so I knew - this was because her body was failing and not because of outside changes. That morning was the last time I was able to hear a heartfelt "I love you". As the day progressed her restlessness grew and she became increasingly insecure. She didn't want me to leave her side even to grab a drink of water. I had to try to calm her down over and over again because her mind and her body would not let her rest. By the next morning on Tuesday, her personality was gone - the real Carolyn was gone. Instead we were left with a confused and distraught version of her. Hospice came and explained that it is what's called terminal restlessness and is something all people experience as they near death. By Wednesday evening we had to completely sedate her because she was not able to get herself into a place of peacefulness on her own. Today, she has been resting and sleeping quite a bit - but it's apparent that she is still aware of her surroundings. When we talk to her, she responds in her own way. She seems to enjoy hearing scripture read aloud, "I love you's" and when we brush her hair.

Please be in prayer that she passes peacefully. We don't know how much time she has left but our guess is no more than a week.

Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
Calling for you and for me;
See, on the portals He’s waiting and watching,
Watching for you and for me.
Come home, come home, You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling, Calling, come home!
Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading,
Pleading for you and for me?
Why should we linger and heed not His mercies,
Mercies for you and for me?
Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing,
Passing from you and from me;
Shadows are gathering, deathbeds are coming,
Coming for you and for me.
Oh, for the wonderful love He has promised,
Promised for you and for me!
Though we have sinned, He has mercy and pardon,
Pardon for you and for me.

Morphine > Hydrocodone

2015-04-17T11:14:00.002-07:00

Happy Friday, everyone! Mom is doing pretty well given the circumstances. We've switched her from Hydrocodone to Morphine a week ago. The Hydrocodone pills were getting to be too hard for Carolyn to swallow and required her to drink more water than her body wanted her to consume ... so the pills usually ended coming back up after trying so hard to get them down. Morphine has not only been easier to ingest in its liquid format, but it has also helped her mind be a LOT clearer than before. She keeps saying over and over again how happy she is and how content she is. It's a great change from when she was anxious and confused before.

Her pain keeps going up though so we have to keep increasing frequency of morphine to every 2 hours. Which means I'm getting up every two hours throughout the night. At this point, her body is preparing to shut down. She doesn't eat anything anymore, she is experiencing pain in new areas, sleeping most of the day, her breathing is unsteady and uneven, etc. She is so weak that she can't even sit up by herself. I have to help pull her up.

She is enjoying this warmer weather - requesting the windows to be open every day. Once a day we try to get out on the upstairs back deck where she sits in her wheelchair for 10 minutes to enjoy the sunshine on her face. Her pain is pretty high though that she can't stay out there for much longer than that. Some days it isn't even worth it to her and she declines the opportunity to go outside. For the most part she doesn't leave her bed.

I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful weather as well. If you see a robin, say a prayer for Carolyn! She loves loves spotting robins in the spring time.

Sweet Will be the Flower

2015-04-05T20:34:00.002-07:00

Since my last post it feels like time has barely inched forward ... stood still in fact.

In the last two weeks Carolyn's health has leveled off and seems to be maintaining itself. She is still confused, still sleeping a lot, barely eating, nauseous ... but she is also still (barely) walking, still eating a bit here and there, still drinking water, still able to hold a (confused) conversation for 5 minutes.

These last few months have been the most stressful and insane experience of our lives. Carolyn's health will dip significantly one day and then over the course of a week it will start to get a little better, level off for another week, and then a week after that she will dip significantly again and repeat itself. So over the last few months her health has gone downhill overall, but with varying levels of ups and downs.

Her primary cancer doctor had always told us that her last days would go really fast. That one day she would be normal and then the next day she would decline significantly and then be gone within a week. This expectation had made it excruciatingly hard on me and Melissa as we were always asking "is this it?" "is it now?" "or wait is this it?"

Then enters Hospice. Our hospice nurse told me she didn't know why our doctor would tell us that she would go so suddenly. She told us that it would be slower ... and always cautioned that she probably had more time than what the doctor said. If you remember, back in December he said she had a couple months left. When Hospice came for the first time in January she said "No ... I think she has a few more months still. I would be surprised if she passed away within the next month or two." So then what were we to think? Do we believe the doctor? The nurse?

Fast forward to today ... and I'm realizing how right the nurse has been all along. This wasn't going to be a quick ending. Instead, it feels like it could go on forever. Last week, our nurse told me that she thinks Carolyn has at least a couple more weeks. I was devastated to hear that news. Carolyn's current state is no way to live. Sleeping for hours on end. No eating. Pills every 6 hours. Staying in her bedroom for days on end. And more gruesome details that I won't get into. I chose not to tell her that she still had a little ways to go ... I was afraid it would break her heart. She is SO ready to go and see Jesus.

Well the last few days, Carolyn has been anxious and frustrated. She asks "When is it time to go? Why am I still here? We need to call the doctor and ask him when I am going." So I finally broke the news to her that she still had a little while longer. This made her so sad that she had a breaking point a couple nights ago of severe depression and frustration. She told me that she cried out to God and asked "Why? Why won't you take me?" And through her confused and sad state God told her, "I am here. I am always here. You have to trust Me." And she was comforted. One of her favorite verses that she used to always tell me when I was anxious or upset was "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." She clings to those words now.

This has been a difficult time not only for Carolyn but also for Melissa and I. Melissa isn't able to take a lot of time off work because her employment doesn't offer any sort of FMLA (although she did choose to take the last couple weeks off). So she is balancing not only her work and kids but traveling between work, their school and driving over to my place to spend time with Carolyn. My work has been gracious enough to give me the time and support I need to take care of Carolyn as her primary caregiver. But this has put stress on my team and the organization. I hardly ever get to leave my house because Carolyn isn't comfortable having anyone else (other than Melissa) watch her. So I'm starting to get cabin fever along with depression. There is nothing worse than just sitting for days and days in one room watching one of your favorite people slip away before your very eyes. Or in my sister's case, to know that your mom is slipping away and you can't be with her. There is no winning in this situation.

I'm reminded of a Beth Moore study I did when I had recently graduated college. It was a study of Esther. And Beth said something that has stayed with me ever since. (this is paraphrased) "What is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you? Close your eyes and go ahead - imagine it. What was it? Now cling to this - If ______ (fill in the blank with that worst thing), then God. THEN GOD." I think she then went on to say something about God swooping in and cherishing His loved ones (she has a knack for making God feel so real and personal). Anyway, I had imagined several "worst possible scenarios" in that moment. Ironically, one of them was my mom dying. So when the news came - that dreadful day - I told myself "If Mom dies of cancer, then God. If Mom dies of cancer, then God. IF MOM DIES OF CANCER, THEN GOD." I had to say that to myself over and over, while her reaction as soon as she found out the extent of her cancer was "I get to see Jesus soon!" with a smile on her face.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy
And shall break in blessings on your head.
His purposes will ripen fast
Unfolding every hour
The bud may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower.
- William Cowper

The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing!

2015-03-25T17:57:00.003-07:00

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Carolyn continues to get a little weaker each day. She also sleeps most of the day except to wake up to say "hi" or to take sips of water. She's been complaining that she is frustrated about how much she is sleeping. Hospice came on Monday and confirmed that she looks to have no more than a week or two left. Our nurse guesses that she will slip into a coma a couple days before her body lets go.

She is just so amazing even in her last days. She says "thank you" and "I love you" as often as possible. Pats my hand and smiles when she is too weak to talk. They say your true self comes out near the end and her core is absolutely beautiful - kindness, joy, patience, understanding. She embodies the fruits of the spirit like I've never seen from anyone before. Last night she gripped my hand especially hard - I think it was her way of trying to express everything she can't say.

I have her all set up in her beautiful room that looks like it could come straight out of an Anne of Green Gables novel. She stays there all day where visitors can sit in the sofa chair and visit with her. This also allows Melissa to come over with her girls and the girls can play downstairs while Melissa and I visit with her in her room. Yesterday I spent the day vacuuming and cleaning the room to make it as cozy as possible and she was so happy to have her room looking pretty. Uncle Dan and Aunt Jan sent some beautiful spring flowers for her room, and Aunt Cindy brought over some candles. She was so happy that she asked me to spread the candles out around the room so that she could look at them.

We spend each day watching Leave it to Beaver - although I'm really the one watching while she sleeps. And when she wakes up Melissa and I will chat with her while she listens. And boy does she listen. Even when you think she is asleep she is listening. And she will ask questions later about your conversation ... but usually she gets all the details confused in her mind. We've found that we can't talk about anything but good memories and how we love her. Otherwise she spends too much time and strength trying to sort out what we are saying.

For those of you who may not know my mom very well, I wish there was some way that I could show you or explain how amazing she is. She spent all of her life being the best mom two little girls could ever ask for. All the details that she put into things was amazing. She set up so many wonderful tea parties, Anne of Green Gables and doll parties, treasure hunts, fun items for us to play "school", doll baths outside with a clothes line to dry their clothes, and more. She'd also put so much time into little things too - Melissa and I have been going through a lot of the old things that she'd kept and found things we'd completely forgotten. Such as, she would draw a road on construction paper with little signs next to them that said "good job!" and "almost there!" where if we had been good that day, we got to put a sticker in the block on the road and once the stickers filled up to the "end" of the road we got to go to Dairy Queen. She made being a good girl a fun event. :) She'd also leave little love notes in our lunch boxes, sew all of our beautiful clothes, give us special dolls to played with only on Sundays, heart shaped chocolate cakes on our birthdays, and more.

And even here at the end of her life, the most important thing to her has been the legacy she will leave behind for me, Melissa, her grandchildren, and future grandchildren. She's written hundreds of letters for us to read through after she is gone, has prepared an old antique trunk for each of us filled with gifts, and small trunks for Chandler and Taylor as well as one for my future children.

I love her so much and am happy for her that she will get to see Jesus soon ... but sad for the hole she will leave in my life. There's nothing quite like having your mother to talk to and enjoy life with over a cup of tea.

Cleaning our doll clothes and hanging them to dry.

The dresses she sewed for us.

The annual heart shaped chocolate cake for our birthdays!

Making wrapping paper for Christmas gifts.

She took us to the park often.

Making gingerbread cookies!

Valentine's Day with special Sunday gifts.

Anne of Green Gables Party

Near the End

2015-03-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

The time is drawing near for Carolyn to meet her Father in heaven.

Last Tuesday, was like any other day this last month. With the warmer weather, she was able to get out of the house and be out and about. But the next day she slept almost the entire day away and kept complaining that she couldn't seem to stay awake. Thursday was much the same with a lot of sleeping and little eating. Then on Friday she was not only sleeping and not eating, but the moments when she was awake she was more distraught than normal and confused about what was happening and had trouble expressing her thoughts. Saturday/Sunday she lost a lot of her mental capacities. She herself complained that she was losing her "senses" and having trouble keeping her bearings. To date, she can barely walk, doesn't eat, and is very confused altogether. She has a few moments of clarity here and there, but they are few and far in-between.

These last few months have had so many ups and downs and uncertainty around how long she has left. But if she continues at the rate she is now, we can't imagine that she has even a week left. Saturday evening she told us that she was going very very soon. It's interesting how people know when their last days are coming. When I had last updated you a few weeks ago that we thought she had days left ... she definitely didn't agree with us. Even though she was at that time sleeping all day, confused and in pain ... she'd wake up and we'd try to say our goodbyes and she would look at us like we were crazy. Well, this time is different. Now she is the one telling us that this is it and that she doesn't have much time left.

Please be praying that she will not experience any pain and that she will pass peacefully. I fear most that her confusion will cause her to twist thoughts in her head to think things were said that are not true, or think something happened that didn't occur. Please also be praying for Melissa, her girls, and I ... as well as the rest of Carolyn's family that we will enjoy to the fullest our last days/hours/minutes with her.

Miraculously, she was able to muster up just enough strength on Saturday evening to make it to a performance at the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra. We didn't think she'd last 10 minutes, but she somehow made it to intermission. We know it was definitely her last time out of the house and a miracle that she was even able to go in the first place. It was the last item on her bucket list to attend a performance at the ISO. I'm so glad we were able to get out and create that one last memory together. She was so happy. <3

Slow and Steady

2015-03-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Happy (almost) Spring, everyone! I hope you are enjoying the gorgeous weather we've been having. Carolyn sure has! She has been getting out almost every day since it's been warmer. It's really lifted her spirits after being trapped in the house so much all winter.

She continues to do well considering the circumstances. It's crazy to think that a few weeks ago we thought she had "days" left. Since then, it's been an emotional roller coaster with good days and bad days. One day she will be like her old self, wanting to get out and go for a drive or go out to eat. And then other days she will want to sleep the entire day away and only wake up to take pills, sip water, or get a bite of something.

Nonetheless, we are still creating memories - trying to soak her up until the last drop! This past weekend she was able to go to her grandchild's birthday party, go on a carriage ride downtown, and see Cinderella in theaters. However, she doesn't talk much while we are out because it takes too much effort to think through what she wants to say, she doesn't walk much because she isn't strong and instead uses a wheelchair, and she falls asleep any moment she can get - in the car or otherwise.

God is Good.

2015-03-03T18:54:00.003-08:00

Since I last provided an update, Carolyn's health has miraculously improved a little bit each day. Last Wednesday and Thursday we thought she had maybe a few days or up to a week left. Melissa and I even took Thursday and Friday off work because we were certain it would be her last coherent days. Well here we are one week later and she is much improved.

I asked Hospice about this and our contact - Jackie - said that it sounds like Carolyn had bile build-up that just needed to pass through her system. Really? It was as simple as that? Last week, she couldn't keep her eyes open for longer than 5 minutes before drifting. And her conversations with us were confusing and unclear - she was saying the oddest things. But then each day since then she has been able to stay awake a little longer and is getting her personality back.

However, other aspects of her health continue to steadily decline.

She gets weaker and weaker every day. Soon she won't be able to walk upstairs at all, which means she will need to stay downstairs permanently. She stays in her hospital bed on the main floor all day. Showers in the morning are difficult. It takes us around 3 hours to get ready in the morning because she needs to take so many breaks to rest between taking her pills, coughing up mucus, getting in the shower, washing, getting out of the shower, getting dressed and depending on what's going on that day - blowdrying her hair and putting some makeup on.
She doesn't eat much either, but not because she isn't hungry. Absolutely nothing tastes good. So at least once every hour, I try bringing her bites of different food to eat just in case it tastes good to her in that moment. It's pretty unpredictable which means my fridge is filled with the most random food that only has a few bites taken out of it. Because of this, she has lost 30+ pounds in one month! She has to wear my jeans because her old jeans won't stay up.
She has difficulties with reading and writing. It's hard for her mind to grab onto things so she has to use all her concentration to read or write. Why is she reading and writing? Well she has several last minute projects she is trying to finish up before she goes. Notes to her grandchildren, etc. And I bought several recordable children's books for her to record her voice for her grandchildren to read later. Which on that topic, we bought the COOLEST book for each of her grandchildren to have called "Grandma and Me". She sits down with one of her grandchildren and together they answer questions about Grandma that gets recorded. It's so adorable and fun - and amazing moment in time captured forever. Chandler and Taylor LOVE their books. I bought one for my future grandchildren where together Mom and I recorded conversations of us talking about her. I told her that instead of giving the book to my children, I might keep it and listen to it before bed every night. :)

Today, she had a doctor appointment at the Simon Cancer Center. I wouldn't have believed it if you told me last week that she would be able to actually make her appointment. I was certain she either wouldn't be here by today or that she would be too ill to get out of bed. Well after spending several hours this morning trying to get her ready, we were off in the freezing rain to go see her doctor one more time.

He was surprised to see that she was still doing decently well but at the same time not in disbelief. She has been a trooper and a fighter throughout this whole ordeal that it is no wonder that she would continue to shatter the odds. So of course we asked our favorite question - how long do you think she has left? And he answered ... "You don't have days - that's for sure. But I would say anywhere between a week and four weeks." I think our jaws dropped collectively. A week to four weeks doesn't sound like a significant difference in time to the average person, but for those of us in the midst of this - that is a HUGE gap. Especially for Melissa and I as we are in difficult situations determining when to take time off work to spend with her. If she has one week left, we'd want to spend every moment with her. But to spend 4 weeks away from work is not realistic. It's a difficult decision either way especially given how much work it is to care for her. She needs someone to stay home with her at all times now and it is unpredictable as to when she would need help - so taking calls at home becomes difficult. Either way we are so grateful for any extra time with her. Thankfully, both of our employers are supportive of the situation and have assured us to take the time we need.

Please be praying that Carolyn will get the sustenance she needs each day - physically and spiritually. She is still anxious to go to heaven, but we are praying that her last days on earth will not be stressful for her. Please also be praying for Melissa and I. This is a really stressful situation for us in more ways than one. So many people have wanted to see her for "the last time" and so not only are we trying to care for her needs and health, but we are entertaining guests on a daily basis. Which isn't to complain - we want everyone to be able to say goodbye and don't want to be selfish with her time. But nonetheless we are emotionally and physically drained.

Beginning to Decline

2015-02-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

Wanted to provide a quick update.

Carolyn's health is beginning to decline significantly and very quickly over a short period of time. She is sleeping a lot more and only stays awake for 5 minutes or so at a time. A couple times during the day she will stay awake for 20 or so minutes. She is also very weak and every day gets weaker. She doesn't eat much at all. We are fairly certain that she has very little time left. We dont know exactly how long but it is no longer measured in weeks but rather days.

Thanks, everyone, for your prayers and support!

Also the videos below should be working now. I know a few of you had problems viewing them.

Videos of Carolyn

2015-02-16T12:49:00.002-08:00

Carolyn's health continues to gradually decline. After I wrote that last blog post, her health seemed to take some harder turns. Her nausea continues to increase and throwing up in the mornings is becoming a norm. Her leg muscles are also weakening making it harder for her to go up and down stairs. It won't be long before I'll need to be home with her full-time.

I've felt a sense of urgency in capturing her in videos so that we will be able to always easily remember her smile, her laugh, her voice ... but capturing videos isn't as easy as it looks. Candid is only interesting for a short while before your attention span is distracted. Canned videos are difficult because it's hard to come up with specific topics and you feel put on the spot. Also, she is in her PJs most of the time lately and therefore doesn't want to be videotaped. But the times where she has normal clothes on are fewer and further inbetween.

Nonetheless, I have captured a few videos over the last couple of years. I've uploaded some of them to YouTube under a playlist and will continue to add to it as time goes on. I've put them in order by length of video instead of by time. So the shorter ones are first and then move towards the longest ones. That way if you want to see her in different elements, you can do so quickly. Enjoy!

Answers to your Questions

2015-02-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

I've been receiving a LOT of questions lately regarding Carolyn's status - so I thought I'd provide an update here.

Carolyn doesn't respond to my texts, calls or messages. I've been getting this feedback from a lot of you. Please keep in mind that you aren't the only one not hearing from her - she is getting calls, texts and facebook messages from everyone frequently throughout the day looking for a status check or to just say they are thinking of her. And she responds to almost none of them. If she were to respond to all of the texts and calls she is getting, she would be doing nothing else all day! So please don't be offended if you texted her and didn't receive a text back. What she has most appreciated lately are cards from people! If you want to send her a card - please message me for my address. They really brighten her day - and THANK YOU to everyone who has sent a card or flowers. They remind her that people love and are thinking about her.

But how am I supposed to know how she is doing? I know that this is a stressful time for everyone because you dont know what is going on and you want to make sure you haven't missed anything. I know because I've received a LOT of questions from people. If something significant changes in Carolyn's health I promise that I will either update via this blog or on facebook.

Ok great. But how is she doing?? Ok now that I've got the above points out there - I'll explain how she is doing. :) She is honestly doing much the same as usual. Nothing significant has changed which is why you haven't received any updates from me. Everything about her decline in health has been SUPER gradual. And hospice continues to confirm with me that in her case, she will decline gradually. At this point, she sleeps a little more as each week progresses and gets a little bit more yellow in the skin tone and in her eyes because of jaundice. It's so gradual that I have a hard time even seeing the changes. She is able to still walk on her own but can only walk short distances and can't stand for very long. She can walk up and down the stairs by herself and can get herself something to eat as long as it is pre-prepared in the fridge.

Here is a great article (the "controlling symptoms" portion) that explains all of the symptoms she is currently experiencing.

How much time does she have left? It's hard to say. The doctor told her that she has been a miracle all along and that she shouldn't still be here. He refused to tell her how long he thinks she has. Now ... back in December he told her that once you start to jaundice you have anywhere between 6-10 weeks left to live. Next week marks the 10 weeks since he had said that ... and I can tell you she does NOT have only one week left. In fact, Hospice today told us that she doesnt understand why our doctor told us only 6-10 weeks ... that people can live longer with jaundice. She thinks Mom has another month or two to go. But nobody can really say.

What can I do to help? As I mentioned above, sending cards lifts here spirits. As she starts to go down-hill more there might be other needs. But right now that is about it!

Thank you for being you! BIG thank you to Uncle Ron and Aunt Kathy for dropping off some food and to my friend Katelyn for dropping off some as well! A BIG thank you to Mary Ryan and Tom and Amy Flynn for sending flowers. A BIG thank you to everyone who has sent cards (so many to name). A BIG thank you to Aunt Kathy, Debra and all the other angels who are helping Carolyn with a special project to give to Melissa and I. A BIG thank you to Uncle Leon for creating an amazing slideshow of Carolyn! I'm hoping to upload it to youtube so that you all can see it!

Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord

2015-01-21T12:40:00.004-08:00

I know that I am past due on an update! I'll give the quick highlights below:

Clinical Trial - Fail: The clinical trial did not go well. It made Carolyn so sick that she couldn't eat for a week. She lost a lot of weight and to this day hasn't fully recovered from how monstrous the trial affected her. The only option to continue the trial was to cut the dosage in half - we felt cutting it in half was still going to make her too sick that we exited the clinical trial.

She's Moved In: Carolyn has officially moved into my house where I can help take care of her - prepare food, wash her clothes, and provide a warm, clean environment that is worry free for her! I like to think she is living like a queen. :) Melissa and her girls come to stay on the weekends where she helps take care of our mom's needs as well. Truly she is better at things like that than I am.

Current Health: She is starting to sleep a lot more, but is still awake for most of the day. Her body is starting to slowly shut down and her metabolism has slowed significantly that she now needs very little to eat. She snacks throughout the day on popsicles, flatbreads, and (her favorite) Tomato Potato Soup (a family recipe). She has low energy and is for the most part pretty weak. She hates getting ready in the mornings because it takes up so much of her energy.

Severe Cough: She started to develop a cough in August and as we moved into the Holidays it only got worse. By Christmas it was so bad she almost went to the ER. But because that would mean she would have been there overnight during Christmas, she decided to wait until her next doctor visit. The doctor took some scans and couldn't identify why she was having such a strong dry cough. She has not developed any water on the lungs or anything like that - so he is puzzled as to what the cause could be. He prescribed her some medication that has done WONDERS for her. It's like she is a new woman! She can now have longer conversations and has a lot more energy!

Jaundice: As her liver starts to fail and shut down, her body will move into Jaundice. Her skin and eyes will start to turn yellow and at that point has anywhere between 6-10 weeks left to live. In December the doctor said that she has started to Jaundice which starts the process of the 6-10 weeks left ... but then her most recent visit he said her coloring looked a lot better. We're not really sure what to think since Carolyn's skin has always had an olive complexion and she doesn't look any different to us. At this point we know she doesnt have a lot of time left and whether its 4 more weeks or 2 months, we are just trying to enjoy our time with her as much as we can.

Hospice: Hospice came to visit for the first time. They gave us a run down of what the end days will look like. I guess I didnt realize that Hospice is not in-home nurse care. Instead, they are there to enable ME to be her nurse. So as Carolyn's days come to an end, I will be administering her meds, morphine, etc. As such, I will have to take medical leave from work to help take care of her. That was a little unexpected, but Melissa and I would do anything for our mom so it doesn't bother us too much. As of now, Hospice will be coming once a week to take her vitals and to get her any new medications she might need.

Social Life: She has the most active social life I've ever seen right now! Her family has been taking her out to dinners to spend some 1:1 time with her and this weekend we'll be getting together as a larger family to look at old photos, etc. Last weekend Melissa and I took her out to get a pedicure and then I took her to St. Elmo's as she had never been before! It's the little things...

Her new address: If you would like to send her cards, flowers, etc at her new address (my place) - please message me on Facebook and I will provide you with the address.

Clinical Trial: Stem Cell Inhibitors

2014-10-21T14:00:00.002-07:00

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” -James 1:17

Carolyn's cancer hasn't grown at all since July. Below is a timeline of Carolyn's cancer reduction/growth so you can get a bigger picture of the status of her cancer.

Cancer Growth/Reduction Timeline:

November 2012: Carolyn began experiencing significant pain in her side.
May 2013: Carolyn starts chemo treatment.
July 2013: Cancer is reduced by 20%.
May 2014: Chemo stops working and cancer has grown 2%.
June 2014: Carolyn starts new chemo treatment.
July 2014: Chemo doesn't work, cancer has grown 2%, she stops all treatment.
Oct 2014: Carolyn qualifies for clinical trial and scan results show that in the last 3 months the cancer hasn't grown at all even though she hasn't been on any treatments.

So if you look at the above timeline, Carolyn is still in a better place today than she was in November 2012. Her cancer is 16% smaller than it was two years ago. Incredible.

Carolyn has qualified for a clinical trial. But it isn't what was originally expected. The Cancer Genome Projects results revealed that there was indeed a treatment match. They found VEGFA in her cancer which is currently a hot topic in cancer research. With VEGFA, the cancer grows to a certain size and then stops and starts to steal resources from surrounding sources such as blood vessels - it's goal is to take all the good nutrients it can possibly steal. This result make sense given that Carolyn's cancer has grown very little since 2 years ago ... it's possible it has grown as much as it will and it is now trying to take over through other means. However, before we get excited about the treatment for VEGFA, the bad news is that the treatment has a high risk for causing blood clots ... and Carolyn has already experienced blood clotting with previous treatments so she is immediately disqualified for VEGFA treatment.

But the GOOD NEWS is that the board discussed her case and decided to place her on a different clinical trial altogether. They are looking at treating her via Stem Cell Inhibitors which is a very targeted approach to cancer. Instead of attacking her fully body as chemo tends to do, this treatment will attack only the cancer cells. The medication is called BBI503, is a Phase 1 clinical trial, and is just one pill that she takes every morning. It's so new that only a handful of other people are on this medication. What's great about clinical trials is that the treatment is completely paid for by the drug company. And in a phase 1 trial what they are trying to determine are the common side affects, right dosage and whether it has any affect on the cancer. What's not so great is that Carolyn has to go to Cancer Center 3x a week with one of those days being a 9 hour day so that they can monitor her blood levels and the affect the dosage has on her. She will go 3x a week for a couple of months and then she only has to visit once a month from there on out.

Because the side affects of this treatment are not well known, Carolyn can stop this treatment at any time she wants. So if the side affects are too bad, then she doesnt have to continue. Please pray that the side affects aren't debilitating so that she can see this treatment to the end.

Carolyn's Calcium Levels are Really High. Even though she has been off any treatments the last few months, she was still experiencing a lot of nausea and fatigue. She thought this was an indication that the end was near, when as it turns out - her calcium levels were just really high! It's so good to know that the cause is something easily fixed by fluid treatments and drinking more water!

Thank you, everyone, for your continued love, prayers and support!

You may have noticed that I've started naming my mom as Carolyn in this post. From here on out, I will start using "Carolyn" since the majority of you know her by her name and "mom" is reserved for only two of us in the world. :)

Clinical Trial: Cancer Genome Project

2014-09-19T08:32:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last blog post, Mom spent most of the summer on the 2nd chemo treatment. Let's just say - it did not go well. Mom could barely get out of bed, had extreme nausea, and lost all strength. When the time came to find out if the chemo was having any affect on the cancer, Mom had already decided she didn't want to continue on the treatment regardless. Well good or bad, the 2nd chemo treatment didn't have an affect on the cancer - it grew a tiny bit.

Recently, I was talking to a co-worker about my mom's cancer and he shared with me his family's history of cancer and encouraged me to look into and inquire about clinical trials. When mom was originally diagnosed, I had asked about clinical trials but our doctor shared that there were none available at that time. But inspired by my co-worker, I decided to ask again anyway. And at that appointment, our doctor shared that there is a new clinical trial taking place called the Cancer Genome Project. The Cancer Genome Project is possible only because of the Human Genome Project that took place during Bill Clinton's presidency and through his support. It took 13 years for the research to be completed with the results of "the determined sequence of chemical base pairs which make up human DNA, and of identifying and mapping all of the genes of the human genome from both a physical and functional standpoint (wikipedia)." Through time and more research it now only takes a week for a person's genes to be mapped.

So let me put it in simpler terms. Essentially, all genes have a function and in a cancer-free body they work routinely to help you live. But sometimes certain genes get blocked and are not able to be told what they are supposed to do so they just do whatever they want ... they start to mutate and get bigger or go where they are not supposed to go which results in cancer. Typically, treatment for cancer is determined by if you have X cancer, then X treatment has proven as most effective therefore that is the treatment you will receive. But with the Cancer Genome Project, they determine what treatment should be given based on the GENE of the cancer which could be completely different than what they typically prescribe for that type of cancer and may even be an alternative to chemo.

The Simon Cancer Center has only been practicing this for 5 months now and have already treated over 100 patients. Now, not all patients have genes in their cancer cells that match to a particular treatment, so Mom may go through this biopsy and nothing may come of it. But there is at least some hope for a possibility to further extend Mom's life.

Today, Mom has been in for a biopsy to take samples of the cancer cells so that the genes can be mapped. In two weeks time we will return to the Cancer Center to discuss the results and the potential treatments. Hurray we are trying a Clinical Trial!

One Year

2014-06-04T20:52:00.001-07:00

This past May 12th marks an important day for my mom since her diagnosis of Cholangiocarcinoma cancer. If you remember - the doctor told us then that the average patient with this type of cancer lives only between 6-12 months after diagnosis. Mom has officially made it OVER A YEAR! To celebrate her one year, Melissa and I treated her to a pampered weekend which included a massage at Studio 2000 and a Pedicure!

Mom is doing really well considering the circumstances. She still feels better today than she did a year ago thanks to the chemo having decreased the size of her cancer by 20%! This is incredible and we couldn't be more thankful. Your prayers are working - please never stop praying for her!

A month ago, her doctor commented that he was incredibly impressed by how well her body has been responding to treatments. He even said that some patients are able to survive several more years when the chemo treatments are staving off the growth of the cancer. However, our excitement to hear this great progress report was short lived. Last week Mom's CT scan results revealed her cancer was beginning to grow again - albeit a very small percentage of growth. This means the chemo treatment that she was on was no longer working; the cancer is regaining it's strength and has learned to fight back.

As of today, she is starting a new chemo treatment that hasn't proven quite as effective as her previous treatment, but can help fight her cancer differently so that it delays further growth. This new treatment is so tough on the body that she has to wear a drip and carry chemo in a bag for 2 days post-treatment. She will also be extremely sensitive to cold temperatures for the few days following the treatment - so much so that she has to wear gloves when reaching into the freezer or can't have cold air blow on her face. Otherwise, the nerve sensitivity causes her muscles to coil back resulting in a tingling sensation for mom.

We were told by the nurse today that typically when the first treatment stops working, the second chemo treatment won't have as great of an impact as the first one. So given that the first chemo treatment worked for one year, this second chemo treatment may only work in keeping the cancer from growing for 6 months ... or 3 months ... we won't really know other than that it definitely won't work for a year.

So for now, we are just grateful that there are other options to extend Mom's life. And are grateful for each and every day that we continue to have her in our lives. It's crazy to think that a year ago we thought she wouldn't be with us today. Please continue to pray for Mom that this chemo treatment will have a good impact on her cancer and her body. You may remember that when she started her first chemo treatments a year ago, she got very sick for several rounds and she is nervous that this new treatment will take her back to those days when she was laid up in bed for a couple days and susceptible to ER visits.

For those of you who may not be friends with my mom on facebook, I thought I'd share a few of her recent status updates given that I've been so far behind in providing updates.

November 20
Had chemo yesterday! Very long day with the Simon Cancer Center switching over to new computer system and everyone trying to acclimate....got there at 9:30 and didn't leave until 6! Oh well... I was talking to a very old friend this weekend who I hadn't seen since I was in my early 20's. He was stating how I looked like a picture of good health. I told him how when I first was diagnosed with cancer, I had a revelation. The very minute I walked back into the world and looked at the "picture of good health" people: lady next to me in her car, or the stern face of a man in the grocery store, or the young mother struggling with her pre-school children....it dawned on me that they could have cancer. Yeah, there's no big, fat "C" stamped on their forehead...no way to tell what is going on "deep" in their lives. And it doesn't even have to be the ugly c word....just all the trials and heartaches on the deeper level that we can't see. Gave me a bigger heart and compassion for the grouchy and unhappy faces I come across in my daily life. It was so awesome to catch up with a great old friend! ...But thinking more, God never promised there wouldn't be trials and tribulations on our walk here on earth... John 16:32-33 "A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Trials and heartaches have purpose though as they draw us closer to Him who is ultimately why we are placed here on earth ...to glorify Him. Sure difficult to see Him if all the obstacles of happiness and fortune and great health block our vision: James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds," James 1:12 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

December 4
I had chemo yesterday.....and I have a prayer request for all of you prayer warriors. It is not so much for me but for my oncologist. He and I have become "friends" in a sense due to all my doctor visits. I typically have someone go with me to my chemo infusions but elected to go alone yesterday to have a little bit of "peace and quiet" after the holidays. So my meeting with the doctor was just the two of us. We talked quite a bit ....and then he asked me if I was a little afraid of death....just at least a teensy bit afraid. I could honestly with all my heart tell him that I don't have any fear at all of death. I have had a LONG personal relationship with my Lord Jesus, and honestly and truly look forward to seeing Him. He was very intrigued by such faith as he said in his years of practice, he has never seen anyone like me with that kind of faith (which I find hard to believe bec I know he has had to see a number of Christians over the years)...but nevertheless, it lead right into our conversation about Christ. He went to church when he was young with his family and when he was a young teenager, his parents just stopped going. He doesn't know what he believes....but he accepts believing that there is just this life and helping people as he does in his practice. He said that he sees death quite a bit in oncology and that he is reminded to daily help people as that is his "purpose." He said no one has really talked to him about Christ and doesn't really know how he feels about "all of it." Obviously, we did not have a whole lot of time to discuss it....but I asked him to give it more thought and energy ...at least to give his own young children hope and that I would be fervently praying for him. He chuckled and said okay. If this is all we have to live for, life to me is just not worth the living. If this is all we live for, then we have accepted only the dry crumbs off a glorious banquet table of our Heavenly Father's...our Heavenly Father has so much more for those who love Him and has accepted His Son as our own personal Lord and Savior. My prayer request for the prayer warriors is to pray for my oncologist's salvation....he is a warm, kind, compassionate young man who sincerely cares about people.

December 8
Since my last post, I was asked to give my own "story" or testimony when I accepted Jesus as my own personal Lord and Savior. It is a simple story...nothing earth shattering for sure...and I only share if maybe it could be an encouragement. I also write this to have on my timeline for my daughters for the days ahead... When my family moved from a farm and from all of our extended family in southeastern Indiana, we came to Indianapolis. That was my first memory of going to Sunday School. I have vivid memories of my little Sunday School classes and the impression the Sunday School teachers made on me of who Jesus is as just a little girl of 5 years old. My Sunday School teacher led me to the Lord in salvation in those early years. Knowing my personality to want to please and that I had always been a people pleaser, I struggled with that "decision" I had made as a little girl throughout my high school years. I wanted to make sure I truly was saved and put to rest all of my doubts, so at the age of 19, I got my on knees and went verse by verse, asking God to forgive me for my sins and then accepted His gift of salvation through His Son dying on the cross for my sins. Romans 3:10 Romans 3:23 John 8:34 Romans 5:12 Romans 6:23 Romans 5:8 John 3:16 Romans 10:9-10 Roman 10:13 I John 5:10 and 13 (I don't discredit salvation at an early age, by any means. My daughter was saved when she was 6 years old ...and was truly saved. She went to a private Christian school and each day after her kindergarten teacher read a Bible story to the class, she would come home asking to be saved. I didn't want to push it...but after the 4th day realizing how sincere she was, I talked to her to be sure she understood that she was a sinner and exactly what Jesus did for her. She understood. We got on our knees and I led her to the Lord.) When I was about 20 years old, I met a special person in my employment at the phone company. Debra and I became awesome friends and to this day, she is one of my very best friends (one- I have a few best friends. lol!). She led a small Bible class in her home. This friendship and guidance became a pivotal point in my life and I had a renewed dedication to study His Word. I then became a mother at the age of 28 and was a stay-at-home mom. This too was a strong growing time in my journey as I listened daily to some of the best Christian radio speakers, such as Dr. James Dobson, Chuck Swindoll, Charles Stanley.....and especially my favorite, Elisabeth Elliott. God used these daily programs to transform my life and build a strong, solid foundation in my relationship with the Lord along with a personal, daily Bible quiet time. When my girls were ages 3 and 5, I started going to weekly BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). They have a pre-school program so the children learned the same lesson which was adapted for their age. BSF is an excellent non-denominational study created to really make you think. The lady (can't remember her name) who created the first BSF years ago was a missionary overseas but she was called back home to CA. Her friends and neighbors asked her to lead a Bible study for them. She felt like Americans were spoiled as we have the tools at our fingertips to learn His Word and she was not going to spoon feed these ladies. The Bible study is for you to learn (....and learn, I did. :D) The BSF is now being offered all over the world and is very popular. There are BSF studies being offered all over Indiana...which I encourage everyone to go; both days and evening classes offered. They also offer the classes for men now too. (can check out online) I had trials throughout those early years of my life that strengthened my faith and trust in Him....but my biggest trial happened 15 years ago. I had the rug pulled out from under me which I did not see coming. I went through a divorce....and as a stay-at-home mother with children that was a very frightening experience. I suffered from panic attacks and severe panics of fear. I won't go into details but it was a dark valley for me ...and I had to lean on God like I never did before. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was God who carried me through those months of despair in my life. I carried my Bible with me everywhere I went and committed about 15+ verses to memory. I needed to be able to recall those verses at any given moment to strengthen me when I could feel myself slipping under and drowning...which was frequent that first year. I claimed that experience as the monumental growth in my walk with the Lord. I was in a complete daze and know without any question that if it wasn't for my Lord, I couldn't have made it and I would have been a different person today. Since then I have had more trials, but with each disappointment and grief, I grew stronger in my faith and trust in Him. It is through those bad times that you grow the most. When things are all good and going well, your dedication and determination to seek Him is pushed into the background and many times obsolete. Hard times can either make you angry and bitter....or if you allow Him, it can cause you to seek your Father's face and draw nearer to him...and GROW. The Lord becomes your best friend, as most times when you are at the end of yourself, no one can help you. Yes, you can discuss it with a friend, but you still walk away with the same troubles and broken heart. I learned the only one that I could turn to who really gave me true comfort and peace, was my Lord. I went through a short period in one particular trial where I would question Him ....but I learned that when I questioned Him, it started to become a habit and I became angry and bitter. I shortly learned that I needed to only trust Him...no questions asked. I did not want any break in my fellowship with Him. He is Sovereign and can be trusted as He sees the full picture and knows what is best. And there is no sweeter place to be than in His will. Elisabeth Elliott (missionary losing her husband to the Auca Indians in the jungle with her little 2 year old daughter) used to say, "Peace lies in acceptance." James 4:8 "Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh unto you." I read many Christian books over the years, but my favorites are: "Hiding Place" - Corrie ten Boom "Evidence Not Seen" - Darlene Deibler Rose "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" - Jerry Bridges "Stepping Heavenward" - Elizabeth Prentiss (I believe most of these books are now out of print and probably only can be found on Amazon or Ebay..but they are worth the reading) When I was in the darkest of my times though, there is no reading like the Bible. Some of my favorite quotes: C.S. Lewis "Suffering is God's megaphone. He whispers to us in our joys, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pain." Tim Keller "The mark of one who really knows Jesus is not that Jesus gives you everything you want but that you continue to walk with Him when He doesn't." Tim Keller "We should avoid the smugness of worry. You only worry if you are totally sure how life must go." (see Mark 10:32-52) Oswald Chambers "Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains and every now and again the saint says - "I cannot stand any more." God does not heed, He goes on stretching til His Purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. 'Though He slay me, yet will I wait for Him.'" J.R. Miller "The sweetest things in this world today have come to us through tears and pain."

January 15
Had my first chemo yesterday (since mid-December for my Christmas break)! Was so so very nice to have a break.... almost too long of a break as it is hard to go back to "chemo life"!! To top things off after a couple days of feeling a little blue of not wanting to go back, a senior financial planner of the IU cancer center comes to me in the middle of my day long infusion (already feeling the drowsiness of the medication) ...and proceeds to tell me that my insurance provider, United Health Care (being one of the largest providers in the nation) is under negotiations with their contract which expired the last day of 2013 and I might not be able to continue with my oncologist or IU cancer center (all being related to Obamacare ...grrr). Needless to say, my head was spinning and my heart was racing. I explained to her that I am not supposed to be here today but because of my incredible oncologist, his expert care and work against this particular rare cancer has added time to my life and I would be extremely disappointed to lose him....and to lose the care of the great nursing staff of the IU cancer center. She went back to her office and came back an hour later to say she is working on something called a "gap" something for a small temporary timeframe...it was extremely difficult to understand the jargon and what she was saying, but leaving this in His hands. I ask please for all the prayer warriors to join me in my prayers to keep my wonderful oncologist and the care of the IU cancer center. Thank you!! God bless you!!

February 11
Going in for another round of chemo. My heart is full of His joy today though bec His Holy Word always gives me peace and comfort!! Praise The Lord for His love!!

February 12
Little miracle yesterday in chemo. One of the special sweet little nurses (same age as my daughter) was interested in knowing more about me. I shared my faith with her. She kept coming back and hanging out with me wanting to know more. When it was time for me to leave, she kept hugging me...and shared with me that it was her last day (got a new job). Her last day!! So thankful to have that chance to talk with her!! God is good to prompt that special time w her!!

February 25
I had a CT scan today. Doc called late afternoon (instead of giving update tomorrow at my sch'd appt) ...seems I have 2 blood clots in my right lung. Chemo is still working...so cancer remains same. However, chemo sometimes causes blood clots. So I will now be having daily blood thinning injections. My prayer is that the 2 clots be resolved quickly. I so so appreciate your prayers.

February 26
Thank you for all your prayers!!! I appreciate you and your kindness so much!! I do have good news!! The blood clots are very small and not to be of great concern according to the doctor yesterday at my appointment. Seems he saved that bit of information when he called the evening before because...well...I have a tendency to be a little defiant when it comes to taking my prescriptions. I have a ton of nausea prescriptions and I think they're a waste of time (we've adjusted them a million times)....I have just learned to eat what does taste good and then eat ALOT of it! Anyways, he was afraid I would blow him off and not get the blood thinning prescription! *blush* sorry to cause more concern than necessary. I had the normal reaction to allergic reaction to chemo yesterday so was given Benadryl...so I was only able to play two games of Banana-grams with my daughter at the hospital before I fell asleep. Slept long past infusion was over!! Benadryl knocks me out!! Came home and went straight to bed and slept like a baby!!

April 16
I have some GOOD NEWS to share with you! The "one year anniversary" of the bad news is coming up in May in learning that the cancer was terminal. At that time the oncologist had given me anywhere from 3 months to a year (depending on whether or not I chose to take the chemo). There has been a ton of prayers lifted up on my behalf and I know quite a number of them have been from you! And I THANK YOU!!!!! The doc has told me that I have at least another 6 months...he's pretty confident of that and wasn't shy about sharing it. He typically wouldn't be cornered into giving a timeline other than the initial prognosis. Thank you to all of you wonderful prayer warriors!! It is a gift that I am seriously humbled to be in your prayers and in your thoughts. There are no words to express my gratitude and love! God hears our prayers and I love HIM beyond words! His love and mercy is beautiful...no matter what is given. Isaiah 43:4 "...You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you..." (Jan Broughton, this is the verse I was referring to yesterday...you have to look it up to see the whole thing :D)

June 2
I love the book of Philippians but especially love Chapter 4: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.... practice these things and the God of peace will be with you. ...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Praising God for His Word of encouragement and His "recipe" for contentment....which peace and joy lies in contentment!

June 4
Update: I had an oncologist appt last week that wasn't the best news...but it could be worst. (Waited to post until my brother and his family returned from vacation to give them update first.) The chemo I was on is no longer working. Cancer is growing now. However they have another chemo "recipe" we're going to try. I'm in hospital now for this "new" infusion. It holds a new set of side-effects and hurdles... My prayer is that I have good success with this chemo as I had with the last one ...and praying with minimal side-effects...and that God grants me another 6 months. I haven't finished my letters to daughters (and granddaughters) as I took a break (writer's cramp) thinking I had plenty of time. My goal was a letter a day each for one year for my two daughters....and then letters for special milestones for my two granddaughters. Thank you so much for all your kind words, gifts, cards...and especially prayers! There is such encouragement in the kindness and love you show!

A Reflection on 2013

2014-01-14T10:18:00.001-08:00

A Note from Kristen ...............

I know it has been awhile since I've provided an update about my mom. Her doctor has had her take a break from chemo for awhile so that her body can recover. Apparently you can't endure chemo for too long before it starts to kill your body itself. It was a nice break for Mom to enjoy Christmas and the New Year with her family without having to endure the side affects of chemo.

After the New Year, there were several posts on facebook from people re-capping how 2013 treated them. Some hoped 2014 would be better than the last, and others appreciated the blessings bestowed on them. As I reflected on 2013 for me and the family, it is with mixed emotions. How do you describe this last year in a short facebook post? How do you describe it at all?

As I reflect back to that day when the doctor told us she would most certainly die from this cancer I can only remember the frenzy of activity afterwards and the grief that rolled over my sister and I. We felt that we'd already lost our mom even though she was still with us. I didnt know that I could cry that hard; I started mourning over the time I would be losing with her.

She would no longer be a phone call away.
She wouldn't be there anymore to share trials and blessings.
She may never meet my children.
She won't be there to help me learn how to be a mom.
She wont see Chandler and Taylor grow up.
She will be just .... gone.

There is nothing like going to bed at night and dreaming that the deadly cancer was just a joke and that mom is actually just fine ... and feeling so much relief and happiness ... to suddenly waking up to realize you are actually living a nightmare.

After a couple of weeks of this, I became numb. You sort of have to.

I remember going into work the DAY AFTER I found out that Mom had cancer and co-workers (unaware of what was going on) asking the simple question of "How are you?" and answering "Fine" with a tight smile plastered across my face. The monday after her actual diagnosis I walked to my car with a co-worker and they innocently asked "How was your weekend?" and I responded with "Great!" I kept that smile on my face as I got into the car, but as I was driving out of the garage I had to re-park because I couldn't stop the sobs that kept me from seeing where I was going.

What a difference 7 months can make in our attitudes and outlook on God's plan for our family. After those first couple of months, something incredible happened. After many nights of crying out to God ... the whole family crying out to God ... an unexplainable peace washed over us. We were able to spend time together without grieving. We were able to enjoy just us. We were able to accept God's plan for our lives. Mom's incredible attitude and excitement about going to Heaven to meet her Father was hugely impactful on Melissa and I as we dealt with our grief.

So many blessings have occurred since mom's diagnosis. Melissa has a new job. Wes has a new job. Chandler started school. Mom gets to be a "stay-at-home-grandma" with precious time spent with Taylor. Mom no longer has to worry about the future. Wes and I were able to move out of our apartment and into Irvington to be closer to her - if Mom's diagnosis had occurred even a month later we would already have been locked into another year lease at our apartment. And that same apartment complex was where a police officer was shot and killed while intervening during a domestic dispute. Several months before Mom's diagnosis Wes and I started seeing a financial planner for our own personal goals ... but he was then able to step in and talk about the financial implications of Mom's situation and guide us through next steps.

Mom has been able to share the gospel with many people. God has used Mom in so many incredible ways through this process that she would never have been able to do if it weren't for His plan. All these years He has been preparing Mom for this ... in so many ways.

He knows - He loves - He cares - He always has a plan.
Even if it isnt what you pictured.
He knows - He loves - He cares - He always has a plan.
And it is far more beautiful than anything we could have ever imagined.

2013 was beautiful for our family. I hope it was the same for you.

In the Garden

2013-11-03T14:55:00.001-08:00

Hello, everyone! It has been far too long since I've posted an update about my beautiful mom!

We've received the second set of scans back and the results show that her cancer has reduced by 20% ... what??? In case you didn't catch that, this is amazing news! Mom is still often tired and having a hard time finding food appetizing, but the pain in her side has lessened and we now know this is due to the cancer shrinking back from the chemo. It's so good to know that the chemo is working given how hard it is on her body.

So what does this mean? It means that she may be around with us a little longer than we at first thought. It has been almost 6 months since her diagnosis ... which at that time we were told 3-6 months if chemo doesn't work and 11-12 months is the average survival rate if the chemo does work. Because the cancer is actually shrinking the doctor thinks she could be a good candidate for longer than the average 12 months. However, three months could go by and suddenly the cancer could retaliate with a vengence and start to take over her liver again. Or a year could go by and the cancer would no longer regress and begin spreading again. You just never can be sure (seeing a pattern here??). He did however remind us that when the time comes, Mom's health will decline slowly as opposed to a drastic change that leads to a quick passing. So we will have plenty of heads up that the end is drawing near.

I have bittersweet news that my Grandma ... my mom's mom ... passed away Sunday, October 13th. She had advanced Alzheimer's for several years leading up to her passing, so we'd all been praying for awhile that Jesus would take her home with him. She was a wonderful wonderful Mom and Grandma to our family ... we are so blessed to have so many wonderful memories of her. The interesting perspective in all of this is that my mom will get to see her Mom soon ... restored to her perfect self. My mom is SO excited to be able to join her in the arms of Jesus.

In memory of my Grandma, I posted the below video of her favorite hymn.

Carolyn's Favorite Flowers

2013-09-06T07:18:00.002-07:00

While on our Mackinac trip, I captured some film of Mom sharing her favorite flowers. I've also listed them below!

Carolyn's Favorite Flowers:
Foxgloves
Peonies
Roses that climb over trellis'
Lilies of the Valley
Pink Poppies
Rabbit Ears
SnapDragons
Zinnias
Coral Bells
Queen Ann's Lace
Black Eyed Susans
Daisies
Pink Cone Flowers
Clematis
Spirea Bush
Petunias
Alyssum
Hydrangea Bush

Scan Results & Mackinac Island

2013-08-27T13:04:00.002-07:00

Hello, Everyone! Today Mom and I went to see the doctor to get an assessment of mom's scan results. You may remember that a month ago, the doctor sent my mom a note telling her that good news - she had no new cancer growth! Which excited us when we weren't sure what it really meant. So today we were able to get some direction.

Essentially, mom's cancer has not spread at all thanks to the chemo. We already knew this, but what he did reveal to us is that this is not common. Most patients with Cholangio Carcinoma don't respond to treatment which is why the statistics of living beyond 6-12 months is so low. He recently had one patient that didn't live past a month after diagnosis because his cancer spread so quickly. Mom's cancer looks to be one that is not only slow growing but also responsive to treatment. In the last 4 months, Mom's cancer has not grown even one centimeter. This is GREAT news! The doctor still wouldn't tell us how long he thinks Mom has, but did say that her chances to live longer than most are greatly increased.

Even with all of this great news ... Mom is still pretty weak from chemo and nauseous most of the time. The pain in her side is starting to come back and most days she feels best when she is at home resting or sitting on my front porch resting to enjoy the outdoors.

I know it's been forever since I've provided an update, but at this point we are just trying to adjust to our new normal. I've noticed a lot of traffic on this blog recently, and I'm sure it's because you are checking back to see any updates. Given that I may not update this blog quite as often, I encourage you to sign up to receive email updates so that you don't feel you've missed anything. The email sign-up is on the side of the page ---->

These days, Melissa, her girls, and I try to spend as much time as we can with Mom ... and Mom is trying to prepare for her passing and spend time with loved ones. We appreciate your patience with us as our time is being stretched. Given that we have NO idea how long we have mom with us, we are trying to balance work, time as a family, other commitments ... and then squeezing in friends when we can. If you could please be praying that we figure out balance. And that we enjoy each moment that we can together.

Speaking of enjoying time together ... I took Mom on a surprise mini-vacation to ... Mackinac Island! It was a 7 hour trip there where we spent 2.5 glorious days! I'll let the photos speak for themselves!

We're back from Florida!

2013-08-06T16:38:00.001-07:00

I know I'm way overdue on giving an update on the Florida trip - it was nothing short of perfect! We had 10 days together as a family to relax and take a break from life ... chemo ... work ... get-togethers ... commitments ... all of those things that tend to get in the way of our ability to spend the intentional time we'd like with our mom.

For the most part, we stayed near Sarasota on Longboat Key - swimming in the pool, reading books, walking to the beach, and visiting local restaurants. But we did spend 3 days at Disney World at the Saratoga Springs Resort swimming in the pool, zipping down water slides, watching a movie under the stars, and spending a day at Magic Kingdom.

The weather was perfect. I know the weather back home in Indy was a cool 60's and 70's. The cooler weather translated in Florida to a breezy 80's which was perfect for the beach and the pool. Leading up to Disney World we were worried that the heat would be unbearable for Mom, but instead it was a very cloudy day with only occasional showers making it a rather cool day at the park! Mom had a lot of strength on this trip given that she was able to take 2 weeks off from chemo. It was such a blessing because it felt like we had our beloved Mom back!

I wanted to thank all of you one more time for your amazing donations to make this trip a reality. We were so thrilled to have the opportunity to take this trip - it almost didn't seem right that we couldn't take all of you with us. But from the bottom of our hearts - thank you!

I'll stop talking here and let the photos speak for themselves.

Disney

Longboat Key

Short clip of the girls on the beach>>

We do not lose heart as we look into the things that are unseen

2013-07-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

So Mom had her CT scan this past Tuesday (coincidentally on my bday). The results of this CT scan will reveal whether or not the chemo is working (chemo working = no new cancer cell growth, chemo not working = new cancer cell growth). At this appointment, Mom had asked the Dr. not to give her the results yet so that she could have a worry free vacation (yes, we leave TODAY for the vaca!). He agreed not to give her the results and off she went on her merry way.

Fast forward a few days, and Mom starts packing. Then she starts wondering... am I allowed to even swim after having been on chemo? Is it ok to be in chlorine and/or the ocean?? So she decides to email her doctor to get his perspective.

His response:

Ms. Neal, Swimming in ocean or pool are both no problem. You can swim anywhere you want. Use an SPF above 50 all the time. Your scans look good--there has been no growth of the tumors! So the chemo appears to be working. Hope that gives you a little lift before departing on your vacation. If you need to talk, let me know.

WHAAAAT!?!? The chemo is working???? His email was brief ... leaving us with so many questions, but ultimately we were just relieved that it is having a positive affect on mom's cancer! What GREAT news to get before we leave for our last family vacation!

So you might be asking - ok so what does this mean exactly?? When the doctor first gave us the diagnosis he said that the average person with this cancer upon diagnosis has 3-6 months left to live if they don't do chemo or if the chemo doesnt work for them. If the patient decides to move forward with chemo and the chemo works, on average they have 11-12 months to live after diagnosis. And 20-30% of those people live up to 2 years. Our prayer is that she does live 2 years longer, and given that the chemo is working - this is an actual possibility!

Answer to prayers!

I also wanted to quickly share with you some photos from a boating trip that Mom went on with her brothers and sister-in-laws!

Chemo Cycle is Done!

2013-07-11T14:09:00.001-07:00

a note from Kristen

Mom had her last chemo yesterday before our family Florida vacation arrives! This also marks her last chemo for her 9 week treatment cycle. Within the last 9 weeks she has had a total of 6 chemo treatments to try to reduce the cancer cells in her liver. Out of those 6 chemo treatments she was rushed to the ER only once for a high fever, felt sick with fever two other times, and the other three times had no fever and only experienced weakness and fatigue. She has lost almost no hair and maintained her weight. Her blood work results have continued to be exceptional after the first scare of high calcium. She has started noticing small changes in her body from the affects of her cancer, but nothing even close to serious yet. We're praying very hard that God allows her to stay with us for TWO years (only 15-20% of patients with her type of cancer live that long) instead of just 6-12 months. Please pray with us that she does! She is having a CT scan taken on July 16 to identify whether or not the chemo is having any affect. Please pray HARD that it is!!! We've made the decision that we do not want to know the results until after we get back from Florida. We want to take this trip with a clear minds free from worry.

Speaking of Florida, we have just over a week before our much anticipated vacation! As I mentioned once before, this will be our first family vacation in over 10 years! This is only possible because of all of YOU - the amazing friends and family who have supported us during this time. Not only is this an amazing Make a Wish for mom, but also a fantastic Birthday gift to her! Our last day in Florida will be on her birthday. :) If you need any extra gift ideas for Mom ;) ... she LOVES pasta salads right now. Her taste buds have changed drastically from cancer and chemo and her biggest craving is pasta salad - so crazy! In fact, she looks forward to chemo visits because the hospital cafeteria has pasta salad. Weird, right? Facebook message me if you want to help out with providing Pasta Salads. :)

We will definitely share photos of our trip with you guys so you can partake in the experience with us! Not only has our flights been taken care of, and a house on the water provided to us, but one of my co-workers donated a two night stay at the Saratoga Springs resort at Disney Parks! Her father had been a Disney fan and she felt that he was telling her to share Disney with us. Mom's grandchildren (my nieces) are going to flip out! We haven't given them many details of this upcoming vacation. They think our vacation consists of just staying at a hotel ... which to them means they get to swim every day. They have no idea there is a beach or Disney involved! <3

Thank you, Bickel/Flannery and Newport family for the special gifts!

(Saratoga Springs Resort)

Memories Last Forever

2013-06-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

For some life lasts a short while, but the memories it holds last forever. - Laura Swenson

When we first found out that Mom had terminal cancer, my mind went into overtime thinking about all the things I wanted to do with her in the time that I had left. A photo session with the family was at the TOP of my list! God, in His providence, had already gifted Melissa with a free photo session for the Spring with my wedding photographer, Emily Weis, as part of the Olivia Act that Emily signed up for. I immediately reached out to Emily asking if we could squeeze in a few family photos in addition to the photos Melissa would be taking with her girls. In all of her goodness, she said yes! Please bear with me while I brag on Emily Weis for a moment. She is seriously the BEST photographer in her flexibility and the way she makes you feel SO comfortable for photos. She's so wonderful and sweet that you immediately feel that she is a friend. And let's not forget how great her photos always turn out - we all just about died when we saw the results!

The day of the photoshoot threatened thunderstorms during the exact time we were going to get them shot, but fortunately the clouds held back and we were greeted with breeze and sunshine. Emily had suggested we get the photos taken at the Historic Ambassador House in Fishers. I had never heard of the location but trusted that it would be a good spot. And it couldn't have been more perfect. The southern style home and flower beds were well suited for our tea party theme. All of us girls love love tea parties and will even break out the tea cups when we are having dinner together and fill them with water. :)

Check out her blog post with the photo highlights from the shoot - http://www.emilyweisphotographyblog.com/a-very-special-session/

And I saved the best for last - one of the main reasons I chose Emily for my wedding was because she hands over the original images and allows you to keep them and print them wherever you'd like! If you'd like access to the photos, all you have to do is open them here. Feel free to print them at Walmart, Walgreens, etc if you fancy one for yourself. :)

Here are just a few of our favorites that weren't in Emily's blog post! Thank you, Emily!!!

His love reaches to the Heavens

2013-06-20T19:31:00.002-07:00

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies - Psalm 36:5

Thursdays after chemo (which now takes place on Tuesdays) are always Mom's worst days. We prepared as usual for that day by Melissa going grocery shopping for her to have good, healthy food for her to eat and packing her an overnight bag. Mom then came over Wednesday evening to settle in and sleep in the Guest Bedroom. This morning I woke up to check on her and she said it was the best night's sleep she's had in over a month - awesome! We waited all morning for her to have a fever but ... it never came! In fact she didn't feel quite as weak as usual! Thank you, Lord, for giving her rest and peace!

Mom has been borrowing a book that my Bible Study went through recently, Knowing God by Name, written by Mary Kassian. It is the perfect book for understanding the depth of God's multifaceted character. And a great way for her to know and understand Him better before she gets to meet Him! She has been loving it. "In Knowing God by Name: A Personal Encounter, author Mary Kassian focuses on 35 Hebrew names of God that describe His character, His relationships, and His purpose. As you learn the significance of each ancient word, you'll be awestruck by the Lord's magnificence and your heart compelled to worship and praise Him." I highly recommend this book if you want to get a clearer picture of who He is.

Long overdue update

2013-06-17T12:04:00.001-07:00

Yard Sale Results!

This last Saturday we had the long awaited yard sale that my wonderful friend Jasmin volunteered to coordinate and host at her house in Irvington. So many people donated to the yard sale it was unreal how much stuff we had to sell! We had a steady trickle of customers throughout the entire day and by 5pm raised $400 through the yard sale in addition to the $7,800 that was donated through the fundraiser site! Wow!

Florida Vacation Update!
As most of you know, I work downtown at ExactTarget. Employees are able to join internal organizations such as ExactImpact, ExactWellness, ExactFun, etc. Well today, ExactImpact - the service/volunteer organization - donated $500 to the Florida trip! What a great company I work for! Before I close on this topic, I want to send an updated thanks to those that have recently donated to the Make a Wish! Thank you Rachel Johnson, Mary Ryan, Uncle Ron and Aunt Kathy, Stephanie Schilling, Jan and Tony Elrod, Jerry Brenner, Sandra Maldoando, Louise Andrew, Colin McSharar, the Whetsels, and many more that chose to remain anonymous.

Mom's recent chemo
Mom had a wonderful week off from chemo - she was able to get her energy back and spend a lot of time with some friends and family. She saw her Uncles, spent quality time with her long-time friend Debra, and enjoyed relaxing with Melissa and her granddaughters, etc.

Little did we know it was the quiet before the storm. Last Tuesday she had her regularly scheduled chemo and then Thursday she was hit with a high fever requiring a visit to the ER. Thankfully she had spent the night at Aunt Cindy's house and she was able to rely on her to get her to the ER and back. She is ok now, but it was a scary couple of hours for Mom!

Thank you for your continued prayers and support! Mom is still feeling pretty good (no liver pain) - just a little weak at the moment.