Careful What You Wish For...

"River Evening...Or The Story Of My Life"

2009-07-06T14:34:00.004+10:00

Enter, stage right.

Mugging, waving desperately to those few friends still sitting waiting in the wings patiently for my next grand entrance.

And… cue:

Those who have been kind enough to follow me for a little while will be aware that I’m a self-stifled creative. Once a prolific writer and sketcher, I’ve allowed age, work, love and self-doubt get in the way of the creative expression that used to be second nature to me.

Being a seasoned procrastinator doesn’t help any. I think about things a lot; story ideas, drawings and paintings, craft projects, journal entries. Heavens! even blog entries. I turn them around in my head, refine and polish them, commit to getting them down…and then I don’t.

Even I can notice the irony, that I’ve described my ex-husband as a serial self-sabotager when I so clearly suffer from a version of the same. In the early days of a relationship, we are all attracted not just to another’s sparkling eyes and witty repartee, but also to certain darker, hidden qualities that mirror our own fears and idiosyncrasies.Obviously this is one of those qualities that he mirrored for me, that sub-consciously drew me to him. For I wouldn’t want to consciously choose someone comfortable with allowing themself to be any less than their best…would I?

Without plunging us all into a lengthy self-analysis better suited to the privacy of a therapist’s room, I have unravelled enough of my psyche to realise that the habit of hiding my light under a bush, of resisting opportunities to shine, or even to explore the concept of being “okay but not world-beating”, began young. It had some roots in the need to smooth out my abrasive “differentness” as I enrolled in new school after new school in my primary years as we travelled, and then popped my bright little head up in a still-fairly conservative country high school.

I was different – I was extremely well-read for a child, and well-travelled. I was brought up to believe I was talented and special in an era when many kids were still being told they should be seen and not heard. Anything that I became passionate about, I worked at till I could begin to do it to my satisfaction.

Writing and drawing were my two main loves. I remember looking at some of my drawings when I was about ten, and realising that they weren’t good, didn’t truly represent the thing I was trying to capture, and learned for myself how to see what was there and not what my brain thought was there (the essence of the rightly famous Drawing On The Right Side of The Brain book and course). I truly believed I was capable of anything if I just tried hard enough.

My dreams of the future always had me working for myself in some creative capacity – most probably, the author of a series of best-selling and much-loved books, who perhaps dabbled in a little illustration on the side.

So what happened? What happened to me, and millions of other little shining stars? How did we let the doubts in, see the “reason” in Society’s expectations about how we made our way in the world and how we expressed our truest selves? I can remember quashing my Mum’s dreams about me entering art school, by telling her I could never make a living if I had to work creatively to a deadline, that it would smother my creative spark. Instead, I put it out myself, by not trying at all.

And there’s the rub, kids. What this is all about. Fear. Fear of trying, fear of failing, fear of being different, fear of just not being quite as brilliant as the next person, or fear of being too brilliant and not being able to meet people’s future expectations of our brilliance – it doesn’t matter. By not trying, by not attempting to build on my talents, by denying their very existence, I have created my own self-fulfilling prophecy which can reinforce all the flawed self-judgement that come after it. See, if I was really good enough, I would have done it anyway.

Well, I’m tired of living in fear. I have moved out from one kind of fear, over the last couple of years, but I know that I have plenty more to tackle. For someone who basically comes across as confident, self-assured, forthright, I am a master of self-doubt and self-sabotage. (There – I AM good at something. *hollow ironic laugh* )

Apart from recovering from the frenetic activity of the beginning of the year (staging a children’s event as a volunteer coordinator), I think I’ve been quiet over the last few months as these and other thoughts have been percolating in my brain. I’ve known for some time that I am well and truly ready for a change of direction career-wise. Twenty-some years of retail and customer service were not the future I envisaged for myself in those childhood musings, but they did equip me with some useful skills, not least the ability to recognise where my strengths lie. I’ve been doing a lot of reading in the last few months, both on-line and off-, and I know that I have something to offer, and that it is a move closer to those childhood passions, using some of the talents I was born with.

The saying “A life lived in fear is a life half-lived” has long resonated with me. I know at times I have been living very much a half-life, full of compromise and doubt and a painful awareness that I was here to do so much more. I am a long way from having all the answers or even knowing clearly where I am heading, but I am shaking some of the shadows from my eyes and my heart. I am investing in my own future and the Wee Man’s, by staking my next moves on my own talents and abilities, and I trust that I will be able to rise to the occasion.

(I did this at about age 14. It is called - yes, you guessed it - “River Evening…Or The Story of My Life” - typically teenage melodramatic, but essentially true…my life then WAS about horses, and dreams, and nature, and drawing and myself. I still like it. The baby and the girl are self-portraits, by the way… lucky I got cuter as I got older, eh?)

EFT - Refining my use of this amazing tool

2009-03-03T10:05:00.006+11:00

Trust me - this is a valuable use of the next 7 minutes of your time. I've been refining and re-focusing my use of this incredible tool for well-being recently, and when I happened upon this video I felt that I should share it. There is no-one who cannot benefit from this.

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is something I have dabbled with for a number of years. Funnily enough, for a long time I forgot to use it on myself except in moments of extreme emotional crisis...usually in the middle of the night, when my troubled mind whirled and fought sleep. It has always given me relief.

My greatest success with it has been in using it with children. Firstly, on my stepson when he came to stay with us, and was anxious and homesick at bedtime, and inclined to have nightmares. I taught the routine to him, and his anxiety subsided, and he slept well from then on. He continued to use it after he went home, and would occasionally mention it to me casually over the phone. (I was thrilled and proud that he has continued to explore its uses.) I have only recently started teaching the wee man how to do it, again for night-time anxieties, and he also has taken to it well, though he doesn't always want to "do tappings" when I suggest, so I surrogate tap for him which seems to work too.

Gary Craig's website (www.emofree.com) is a wealth of information and ideas and case histories, as well providing the free PDF manual and the training CDs (not free, but they can be re-distributed by people who have bought them, and a lovely friend of mine is passing copies on to me shortly). Dr Mercola is a big fan of this technique, too, and has been advocating its use on his website for some years

You have nothing to lose. Check it out - I'd love to hear from any of you who have a particular experience with EFT you'd like to share.

Lukewarm

2009-02-09T12:49:00.004+11:00

"Lukewarm" is how the wee man described us last night, situated half-way up the eastern coast of Australia, sandwiched between the searing temperatures and horrendous bushfires of the South (Victoria and South Australia) and the torrential downpours and heavy flooding of the North (Far North Queensland).

The irony struck me this morning, reflecting on this conversation, as I remembered that around this time last year I was blogging on the string of natural disasters that had touched our little part of the world (first here, then here), and wondering what was next.

I can live with "lukewarm".

Like all Australians, I'm incredibly sad for the people affected by the terrible bushfires in Victoria, now being described as the worst natural disaster in Australia's history. At least 107 people killed, and many more to be discovered, and countless families left homeless - entire towns razed to the ground. (See here for information and images.)

At the same time, I worry about members of my family, and many others, who are still threatened by rising floodwaters around the Townsville area.

Just as we all wonder how we're going to manage through a financial "crisis", Nature reminds us what being in crisis is really all about.

(PS. You can make a donation to aid the fire victims by direct debit with these details: Victoria Bushfire Relief Fund; BSB: 082-001; Account: 860 046 797. Money is the greatest need right now - many families have nothing more than the clothes they are wearing.)

Weekly Winners Sunday Meme

2009-02-01T22:31:00.002+11:00

The last night of the school holidays for us – yay! We’re both looking forward to the start of the new year of preschool (the wee man’s last before moving on to “big school”). I have not used my camera much again – couple of unmissable episodes of “cuteness” are all I have for you. It’s about time I exercised my creativity again, pointed it at something other than cute kids and animals (though I know we all enjoy them anyway).

A stroll across to Lotus at Sarcastic Mom should find you some serious A.R.T. photography – that, or some more cute tushies and fluffy bunnies.

This is a sketch I did one night of the wee man in his ‘jammies that he hasn’t wanted to wipe off – he asked me to take photos of it so he can use his MegaSketcher again…lol.

Cheeky imp

The furry babies like to hang together – Mahlia and Rusty

Yup, it’s that pirate again. Eye eye, Captain!

What can you do with a face like this, except love it?

Weekly Winners Sunday Meme

2009-01-25T21:46:00.005+11:00

It's nearly the end of the summer holidays - 5 weeks gone, only one more to go. (Can you tell I'm counting down?) Summer has well and truly arrived, too - this week we've melted through sweltering humid days. All of which contributes to total brain-fade for me, where any coherent thought or act of creativity goes right out the window, as I struggle to maintain my equilibrium and my temper.

I'm hopeless in hot weather, far too inclined to fly off the handle at the smallest thing. Whoever thought that summer was a great time to have your children at home with you all day every day was a raving sadomasochistic #&^$#@@...

All of which is a long-winded and unnecessary explanation for why I have hardly touched my camera all week. One lovely image of Miss Furpants, just to say "hello" and give me an excuse to go dip into all the other wonderful photos featured at the lovely Lotus'(Sarcastic Mom) weekly photo meme. I'll gaze longingly at some exquisite snowscapes from the other side of the world, and remember what it's like to see steam coming out of my nostrils...instead of my ears! LOL!

Honestly...

2009-01-23T10:52:00.002+11:00

...you can tell me - I won't be offended...

Is it too beige?

Please pop out of your readers for a minute and let me know. I like it, and yet... :)

Weekly Winners Sunday Meme

2009-01-18T23:00:00.010+11:00

Well, here it is. What do you think? *does a little twirl for the benefit of viewers* Does it suit me? I've been wearing black for too long, and wanted a fresher look. I've still got a fair bit of tweaking to do, so forgive the scaffolding and empty paint tins lying around (and apologies to anyone having trouble seeing me, as I haven't yet checked it out in all browsers yet).

Due credit for my new look must go to the folks at Our Blog Templates for this lovely free Spain template (have a look at how good it can look when someone knows what they are doing!), and to Amanda at Blogger Buster, for sooooo many great tips, tutorials and a fantastic free e-Book on Blogger templates - any problems with this template are down to my incompetency, not their fine work.

I've found heaps of great resource sites, and I'm learning some wonderful tricks, which will be the subject of a future post (for other CSS/HTML virgins like me who want to learn how to tweak what's under the hood of their Blogger blog!).

I've been fiddling with this thing all week, therefore haven't taken many pictures ! So, for some REALLY good photography, go look at Lotus and all the other Weekly Winners. In the meantime, you'll just have to put up with me:

My little sunshine

Captain Underpants

Not quite my Pocket Pussy any more...

Summer perfection...ripe papaw...

...though size can be deceiving! (Isn't it cute?! It was gorgeous, too...mmmmm...)

Revelations

2009-01-17T16:31:00.006+11:00

Actually, a part of me would like that biblical fury to be raining down on someone right now - some smiting and burning furnaces and two-edged swords and smoke and brimstone could be delivered unto the arse of my son's father while I sit, box seat front row, with popcorn and a digital camera.

Which is kind of interesting because, if I were to categorise my religious inclinations (and that would be hard, because I follow no religion as such), it would be Buddhist rather than Christian. My belief set runs more to karma and inner-leading-to-outer peace than to fiery vengeance wreaked by avenging angels.

Yet recent unexpected revelations have certainly given me cause to wish that karma came with a fast, on-line order version. It's such a bummer having to trust that his transgressions against me, his son and others will be repaid in full through his karmic debt, this lifetime OR the next OR some future lifetime.

Give me some avenging angels and a good plague.

(Btw, the stunning image above is the work of ecstaticist - view more of his exceptional photos on Flickr.)

Interlude: Confessions of the Undecided

2009-01-12T14:57:00.001+11:00

You know how I mentioned that I am changing the look of this blog?

That wasn’t a tease – I feel very ready for a change of look, to reflect the change of outlook and direction my life has taken since I first started this blog.

I have 2 problems. One, I cannot write any kind of code – CSS, HTML or anything else. I am at the mercy of existing blog template designers, though I am prepared to have a little play around to tweak things once I’ve got the overall style I’m after.

Two - I was born in October and am, therefore, a Libran. We are known for having something of a problem with making decisions. I’m normally pretty good at it, actually…but do you know how many amazing template designs there are out there?

Weekly Winners Sunday Meme

2009-01-11T23:33:00.001+11:00

It’s late (for me). Here’s my best. Here’s some even better by a whole lot of other bloggers – including, and hosted by, Lotus at Sarcastic Mom (she’s a Goddess – you can tell because she keeps wanting to eat her offspring).

Little boy blue…(soccer guru in the making)

Send in the clown…

In my footsteps… (mine, casually cast off; his, not so…)

Bromeliad

Our backyard (aka the Jungle)

The elegant “Miss M” (Mahlia)

He’s my angel…even when he’s not…

Anniversary

2009-01-09T19:46:00.003+11:00

What a difference a year makes!

This time a year ago, I was filled with trepidation and incredible uncertainty about what lay ahead, yet I knew that nothing would change my mind from the course I had decided on.

Ending my marriage was the best thing I did all year (and I did some pretty good things last year). I have never regretted it, not for one tiny moment. In fact, as various bits of information came my way over the year, I have had even more reason to know that I made the right decision, for me and the wee man.

It’s been hardest in relation to him, the little guy. He loves his daddy, bless him, and though I know that loving and seeing both parents is good and right and best for his emotional development etc etc blah blah blah, I also know that it is going to bite him in the arse down the track (if you’ll forgive the colloquialism).

His dad is not a very good person, though he tries to convince himself and everyone else that he is. He lets people down, badly, and worst of all those he loves. Self-sabotage is his specialty, which means if you are in his orbit you get hit by the fall-out. His relationship with his other son has already accumulated a critical level of damage, just as the boy enters his teens. He began last year with an opportunity to do it differently with the wee man, to be the person he always claimed he wanted to be, to be the father he wishes he’d had. To a large extent, he has failed.

That’s his journey, their shared journey, and I can only do what I can in terms of being the best parent I can be, and a constant and a comfort to the wee man. The little guy made it a bit hard for me at the beginning of last year, taking his father’s cues and blaming me for the split. He never said so, exactly, but he was angry with me often, and took his father’s line that he could live with him any time literally, and used to threaten me with it whenever he wasn’t getting his way – I didn’t tell him it would have been an empty promise. When he came back after that 2 week holiday/road trip with his Dad in (?) April, things had changed – he had a new appreciation for me, and most of the anger was gone. That made life much easier, because his anger and my unexpressed frustrations and anger and fears were rubbing very badly together, and I was afraid that instead of taking him from danger I was leading him into it. We were both damaged, and there was a point where I worried if the long-term consequences were beyond my control.

Yet, at the back of my mind, I knew that this, too, would pass. After all that we had been through, and with all the other goodness in our lives, we would find a way through these feelings. And in the end, we just did.

So far, this post has focused on the negatives, which was never my intention - there were so many positives to the last year, such a sea-change to my life that I celebrate today.

Returning to myself: living in tune with my beliefs; many small and large achievements in my community work; being able to pick up the phone without fear of drama or debt collectors; running for local government, making choices about where I live and what I wear and where I’m going without having every single thing examined, questioned and misinterpreted; watching my little man grow and blossom and smile and see ME grow and blossom and smile – there is so much that makes this an occasion to be celebrated.

This Christmas was a gift in itself.

Spending time with my family at my mother’s home on the Sunshine Coast was something we had done a few times over the years, including twice in the wee man’s lifetime. Every visit was marred by some kind of drama, and last Christmas was really the final straw for me – 2 weeks later I declared the marriage over, and weathered the blustering, begging, and belligerence until it finally, truly, was over.

Going to Mum’s again enabled us to lay a new track down over the old. We lived a fun, laid-back, loving, drama-free Christmas, such as the wee man has never known in his lifetime yet had always been my experience before being with his father. I can’t tell you how good that makes me feel. Look at the picture – Mum took it on Christmas evening, and it tells you all you need to know .

So, happy anniversary to me. I’d thought of having a little party or drinks with friends, but it did seem somewhat tasteless – ending a marriage is not something I chose to do lightly. Anyway, the real party is in my head and in my heart – I’m the only one who can hear the music, and I’m happily dancing alone.

Weekly Winners Sunday Meme- Can I play catch-ups?

2009-01-04T22:27:00.019+11:00

Let's not talk about how long it's been since I've stumped up for Weekly Winners - indulge me, by ooh-ing and aah-ing at the gorgeous Aussie Christmas the wee man and I shared with my family up on the Sunshine Coast of Queensland. It was warm, fun, relaxed and a wonderful antidote to the tainted memories of past Christmases.

And say "Hi" to the gorgeous Lotus (Sarcastic Mom), whose fabulous institution is the Weekly Winners. Give her a big hug while you're there - just because...

The wee man adored doing workouts with his Uncle J

The self-titled Saucepan Man (How many readers of the Magic Faraway Tree here?)

Gorgeous beach afternoons, each of us to our own passions: me, with my camera; the wee man, sand and water; my mum, her yoga; Rusty, socialising...

Christmas Eve...

And then it was Christmas Day...

...back to the beach...

...before home for the Christmas BBQ. These 2 just as fascinated with fire as last year!

Rules to Live by

2009-01-01T21:21:00.006+11:00

I'm starting the new year by distilling all my acquired life wisdom into a few succinct phrases or rules. It's as good a place to start as any.

One of the many wonderful blogs which captures my attention, often at the expense of my own blogging (but when there is this much great content around who needs to listen to me anyway?), is Gretchen's The Happiness Project. Do have a look around - she has much to offer, not least the comments and sharing from her subscribers, which often lead to me to other treasures.

Her final post for 2008 was New Year's Resolution: Four tips for writing your personal commandments. She shares her own 12 rules (of which my favourite is "Be Gretchen."), and some that other readers have shared ("Don't rehearse unhappiness" is profound: "Do stuff" covers everything), and gave me plenty of food for thought.

Re-aligning with my values and beliefs has been a big part of 2008 for me. Some of you may detect some of the deeper themes, the lessons of my recent life-changes; I know I did.

I sat here and doodled and pondered on and off for half of the day, in between playing and picnicing and just damn sweating (sooo hot...I'm still melting and it's 10 at night), to encapsulate my beliefs into their essence.

Here, in no particular order, are my own personal commandments:

Seek truth.

Trust my instincts.

Simplify.

Share my vision, shine my light.

See good, say good and do good.

It's okay to ask for help.

Treasure every moment.

Always with love.

Be legendary, prove real.

What rules are you choosing to live by in 2009?

From me to you...

2008-12-31T23:08:00.004+11:00

With love and hugs and very best wishes for the New Year, to all my favourite bloggers and readers... xxx

PS. Stay tuned for a new-look "Careful..." in the new year!

I knew it!

2008-11-19T14:34:00.000+11:00

;)

He thinks he's getting away with it...

2008-11-08T20:17:00.003+11:00

...but he's not sure. I'm not ranting, or even mentioning how his behaviour has impacted us. In the corner of his mind, warning flags are flying: "...when she doesn't say something, look out!".

There's two reasons for my silence.

Losing my temper is wasted energy anyway. He takes no notice regardless, and it simply gives him an excuse to cut off any discussions at all. I am biding my time. In two months, we will have been separated for 12 months. In 2 months, I will be seeking a divorce. I will be formalising the arrangements surrounding the wee man. The court will hear the situation, and we will have to do a mediation session, and he will hear from people, other than me, how his behaviour affects his son.

Probably won't make a blind bit of difference.

Oh, and the other reason?

Because the rest of the time, when he's not around, I am happy. Since I know from long experience that much of his behaviour is just trying to pull me down to his level, I need him to see me how I am now...happy.

Intermission:

2008-11-07T20:03:00.003+11:00

Well, I won't be winning any of those fabulous prizes at NabloPoMo. I completely forgot about posting yesterday - you know they say it takes 21 days to make (or renew) a habit, and I'm obviously not there yet.

I'm home alone tonight, my glands are swollen and I ache in every part of my body - guess where I'm going?!

Normal blogging service may resume soon....Here's something to look at in the meantime:

Barmy for Obama

2008-11-05T21:22:00.004+11:00

(Can I just lead this off by saying I think he's a bit hot, actually? I mean, it's not just the new-Leader-of-the Free-World thing...usually that kind of power doesn't do it for me. No, it's his mouth, and his eyes...very warm, sensuous, intelligent, that quirk of humour...lucky Michelle, I say!)

Well, whatever he's got, America and most of the rest of the world want to see more of it! Hurray!

There is going to be a whole lot of serious and measured political commentary (and a whole lot of drivel, too)in blogs worldwide on the rights and wrongs of America's choice tonight, and I have nothing to add to that.

I can only talk about what I see, which is a man of courage and quiet dignity, who has given me a sense that he is capable of initiating that change he has been talking about. I would have voted for him, if I were American, and I think I would have been pretty vocal in my belief that he was the right man for the job in the lead-up to this election.

The change that he represents, as the new leader of one of the world's major powers, is startling, and refreshing, and an occasion for great hope.

Can we hope, as the world faces a huge economic crisis, climate change spirals out of control, families struggle to meet basic needs and retain a roof over their heads, and war zones simmer with discontent?

YES, we can!

(This fantastic mosaic image is called Hope Over Fear, by tsevis, and is available under Creative Commons license from Flickr. Check out some of his other works, too.)

So where was I when I wasn't here...?

2008-11-04T21:25:00.004+11:00

Truth to tell, it was real life that mostly got in the way. With the lead-up to the election (no, not THAT one...my local government election), plus the other things I like to involve myself in, plus everyday life with the wee man, I would flop gratefully on the couch at the end of the day, happy for some mindless TV or a little Sudoku...anything that allowed 90% of my brain to drift.

(And, it must be said, I found dial-up so intensely annoying and resented the huge amount of time spent waiting for pages to load that I often found it a real dis-incentive to turning on the computer to read or write blogs.)

However, there was another distraction, another seductive little time-waster, which won a lot of my on-line attention for a while...and it's all my family's fault!

That's right - if I hadn't gone to my aunt's wonderful wedding back in July, and had such a fantastic time catching up with my cousins etc (plus the new members of the family we inherited through the wedding), I wouldn't have made all those rash promises about catching up through Facebook!

Yes - I'm a bit of a late-comer, I know. I had a very minimalist presence on Facebook previously - just a bare-bones profile, as it was a place I used to stay in touch with one girlfriend who lived in England. Then my brothers found me there, and kept sending me all these silly applications (which piled up, 'cos I had no idea I could just hit 'Ignore'). I'd contemplated wiping my profile, sure I had far better things to do with my time...and then I went to the wedding, and suddenly discovered the real strength of Facebook, when it comes to keeping in touch with people you love.

All of a sudden, my family and I (and then my network in general, as I expanded to include many of my playgroup and preschool circle) were able to exchange photos with all with one click of a button, share happenings, children's triumphs, illnesses and worries almost immediately. Indeed, we often tune into the nuances in one another's status report, sharing a sense of supportedness and involvement that the sporadic phone calls and emails we previously exchanged couldn't come near to.

As any regular readers of my blog will know, I am a big advocate for community, and through Facebook, I found another level of community which transcended time and distance and, since it involved family, became very special. Things have quietened down from the first heady flush of connectivity, but Facebook is now a valuable tool in my daily routine, and I use it regularly to weave tighter the threads of family and friendship.

PS. Guess what was one of the first things I did when I moved into this house? Yep! Got me some of that broadband PDQ!!!

PPS. Guess who was the cutest of a very cute bunch of under-age wedding attendants at my aunt's wedding?

I knew it wouldn't be easy.

2008-11-03T20:33:00.001+11:00

(No, I'm not already freaking out about NaBloPoMo, though goodness knows I've come into it a lot less prepared than '07. This time last year, I had some lists of possible blog topics and hot links in case the muse ran out on me. This time, I'm running blind...)

I meant the challenge that I faced, to negotiate the minefield that is co-parenting. Given all that I knew about the wee man's Dad, it was never going to be a cake-walk...

I had written much more on this subject, and was prepared to post it, when I reflected on something I remember another blogger saying once; about how she was conscious of the future when her kids, curious about what their old Ma got up to in her younger days, grew old and unwise enough to follow their mother's cyber trail on the Web and read all the embarrassing and intimate details of their babyhood and early childhood on her blog.

So, baby, for your sake I'm not going to tell everybody in detail how absolutely sucky I think your Dad is right now, how deeply sad I am at his selfishness in not recognising how his actions are affecting you, about why I am so profoundly disappointed that a person who I once invested all my love and trust and faith in can't even manage to rise above his shortcomings for your sake.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. Without him you wouldn't exist, and I know you love him deeply, but I'm sorry for the world of hurt and disappointment I've let you in for by choosing him to be your father. I hope he manages to be half the man I think he is capable of being, to do the very best he can by you, because right now I don't think his efforts amount to a fart in a snowstorm.

(I'm writing this when you are four-and-a-half...you've never experienced a snowstorm, but you'll laugh your head off at any sentence that contains the word "fart". You probably still do.)

I love to hear you laugh. Right now, your eyes contain a woundedness I never wanted to see - it's not just me noticing it, but it is up to me to do everything I can to make things better for you. I can only count on myself in this.

You're resilient and smart and sensitive, but far too young to be able to understand the nuances of your father's behaviour. I see you blaming yourself for all the stuff you don't understand, thinking that there is something wrong in you, and that is the only mistake you make...you are perfect, baby. You are a four-and-a-half year old mind in the body of a four-and-a-half year old boy; your father has the mind of a four-and-a-half year old boy in the body of a man.

My most fervent wish is that I can help you grow and integrate all these experiences and feelings in such a way that you don't become another wounded child walking around in the body of an adult. There are far too many of them (and I probably wouldn't entirely exclude myself from that category). As I type this tonight, I pray that you might be able to tell me, one day, that I got my wish...

Hallowe'en In Australia

2008-11-02T11:44:00.003+11:00

An interesting post by Planning Queen over at Aussie Bloggers (Halloween In Australia) followed on from some conversations I've had this weekend with other parents post-Hallowe'en. Some of us felt a bit bewildered about the sudden development of this "tradition" in our village, and wondered if it was just a little too much Americanisation, or if there was some value in it for our kids. Here's my comment in response:

"It’s been a hot topic in my rural village this weekend, ‘cos somehow quite a few of us found ourselves roaming the streets behind our “candy”-seeking offspring… There is no doubt that they are strongly influenced in this by American culture…even my wee man, who watches very little commercial TV (and who had no idea, when we set out, that “candy” is the same as “lollies”.).

The conclusion that I reached, and most I spoke to agreed, is that I like the aspects of imagination and community contained in the celebration. The kids enjoyed planning their costumes, and getting dressed up to go outside on public display, and then we all trouped around knocking on doors and chatting and laughing and connecting with our neighbours. Some of the locals really get into the spirit of the occasion, and we got a tour of a fairy garden by the Wicked Witch of the West at one home…!? She was scary and hilarious at the same time, and my little man loved it.

So we started talking about ways to make it better for the kids next year, get those that want to more involved, and those that don’t can clearly opt out. Maybe a kid’s party or concert at the end of the trick or treating, too…an opportunity to dance off some of that sugar, and once again connect as a community.

But I also draw the line at Thanksgiving…"

For those of us with children, ignoring Hallowe'en and hoping it will go away because it is "too American" and not "part of our cultural traditions" is perhaps too short-sighted a response.

Like it or not, by exposure to the global village through TV and Internet, our kids pick up all kinds of strange ideas which appeal to them (fighting ninjas, snow at Christmas, time-travelling dinosaurs). How real and relevant they are to the children is really down to us and how we handle them, but the appeal of these ideas is not going to evaporate just because we say so.

By embracing all that is best about a celebration like Hallowe'en - the opportunity to celebrate imagination and community - we have the opportunity to make them relevant to us, to Australianise them (if you must) by building on the values of fun and friendship and playfulness (the Aussie larrikin), and to underline the multiculturism of our modern Australian society.

As parents, we can be involved in making the event a fun and safe activity for kids, without the descent into hooliganism and ugly satire that seems to play a part in the American tradition these days.

For next year in my village, we talked about using the village store as a distribution centre for some simple signage for those who wish to say Yes (or No) to Hallowe'en. It will ensure that parents and children feel comfortable about approaching houses, and will enable parents with younger children to plan a smaller trek to known "trick or treating houses". We also like the idea of finishing with a party or dance at a central location (perhaps the school or preschool) - with a little cooperative effort from all an event can be easily organised, and provides another opportunity for us to join as a community (and gives the grown-ups an excuse to get dressed up, too...).

What do you think?

...And all of a sudden it hit me...

2008-11-01T11:26:00.003+11:00

...just like that, I realised that it is November 1st, and one of the highlights of my year last year (okay, so I was leading a fairly unexciting life at the time...*chuckle*) was NaBloPoMo, and so...here I am!

For the unitiatated, NaBloPoMo is here:

Since I can barely manage to string together a blog post a month at the moment, I am rolling my eyes at my own lunacy..but hey! I'm always up for a challenge.

No more suspense

2008-10-07T20:57:00.005+11:00

While I'm sure I'll take more (and better) photos, here's a couple of the wee man's new look hair-style.

After more than 24 hours since he came home I'm beginning to get used to it, even love it, but it marks a much bigger change than I imagined. He looks so much older! And I feel a little sad about it, too, because he lost a little uniqueness when he lost his hair... he looks like lots of other little boys now. I mean, he IS unique and still very beautiful to me, but you could see that cloud of golden curls coming down the street, you know what I mean? Oh well, I guess you can still see the bright red metal prosthetic leg a fair way down the street too...? LOL!

Contrary to popular opinion...

2008-10-05T16:21:00.008+11:00

...I have not been abducted by aliens.

For some reason, which I have been unable to specifically formulate but instead have been idly examining in the privacy of my own head, I have drifted away from the habit of blogging and immersion in the blogging world.

There's some superficial explanations, like how immensely frustrating I found it being back on dialup this year, and how much that limited my enjoyment of the Net in general, and blogging (both writing and reading) particularly. And how caught I became in real-time activities like the campaign and preschool etc.

Ultimately, I think that blogging and the blogging world gave me a much-needed sanctuary, an escape, when so much of my life was going shit-side-up. Now, as things in my life are taking shape in ways which are generally pleasing and satisfying and sometimes just plain time-consuming, I have lost the habit of blogging as the need that it filled (to be heard, to be understood) has fallen away. I'm happy (mostly). It's on a level almost below sensing, like a sub-sonic hum - it has replaced the hum of misery which was there before. People tell me I look happy, whatever that means.

I might have forgotten blogging for a while, but I haven't forgotten the amazing people I have met while blogging, and I have been thinking of you and occasionally dropping in quietly on a few of you when I can. (Trish, Tiff, you two are particularly in my thoughts...you have had a VERY tough year, and I am still here cheering you on, awed by your courage and humour as ever. Cec and JCK - catching up real soon!)

For those of you who have been ~~crazy~~ kind enough to hang in there waiting for me to bob up again, here's a quick summary of the last couple of months:

The Election

- I ran for Council after all, but only on the bottom of the ticket to support the group and our leader who, I am thrilled to say, got on to Council. And what a Council!

We have a lady Mayor, Jenny Dowell, who I had the immense pleasure of getting to know a little through the campaign - she is a person of courage and grace and integrity, which has been incredibly tested as she was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 days after winning the election! She is having a mastectomy on Tuesday, and fully intends to be at the first official meeting of council the week after. The community at large is sending her a massive amount of goodwill, love and support, shocked that she faces this crisis so soon after her triumphant win, but I'm sure that she is winning even more supporters by her honesty and dignity in sharing this terrible time with us, and Breast Cancer Awareness Month has got itself its new best advocate.

We have a Green female Deputy Mayor, Vanessa Ekins, and we have a great mix of progressive and fairly young councillors making up the majority of the council, with only 3 of the original dominating conservative "Six-pack" voting bloc remaining. Clearly, the community has spoken out for change, and I am really happy to have been part of the process. I wanted to make a change in our council, and see a better representation of women, and I helped achieve that without having to be a part of it myself...

...This time. I have had some feedback from some of the wonderful people I worked with in this campaign, to the effect that I have "...a shining future in local government" if I want it. The group who worked behind the scenes to support our party (including some of those who supported the claim of the other local candidate) are keen to work with me, and him, and others, to continue to support our man on council, and make long-term plans for the next elections, four years hence. Looks like my career in politics isn't over yet.

We Moved

- The wee man and I have moved on from one-room living, and now have more than enough room to swing a cat (and she loves it!) In fact, we have a lovely little 3 bedroom house with a jungle of a garden, and our darling dog Rusty was returned by the wee man's dad when we moved, so we are a very happy little family.

We have our own rooms ( I can't tell you how grateful I am not to take 2 steps and then trip on Thomas the Tank Engine or Alfie or Harvey or whoever the hell little metal engine was sticking into my instep...?!), the wee man is sleeping through the night (most nights) in his OWN room in his OWN bed, and I am experiencing that amazing phenomenon where you shut your eyes and then you open them again and it's morning...wtf? It's only been nearly 5 years. (Humble apologies to anyone not currently experiencing this phenomenon - I'm not boasting...oh, okay...maybe a little bit.)

It's been wonderful to get all my things out of storage after nearly nine months, and while a few boxes have been shoved into cupboards unopened, generally the place is looking and feeling like Home. (I can't wait till next weekend when various members of my family will be arriving to help celebrate my birthday, and will get to see it.)

I Had a Haircut

- More importantly, a haircut I LOVE! In fact, it's six weeks this week since it was cut and I am itching to go back for a trim, but my newly-discovered treasure of a hairdresser has had the gall to be off sick this week...lol!

And So Has The Wee Man

- Photos to follow...I haven't even seen it yet!?! He's away this long weekend with his Dad, and they rang me on the Friday to tell me he had been to the barber and he now had "little hair"! (Don't worry - this was a previously discussed decision. In fact, I had promised the wee man he could cut it as soon as the weather warmed up, but I drew the line at the Number One with the clippers that his father was itching to do!)

So...as I said, Life is generally good. Not perfect, nor necessarily easy, but good. Satisfying. Promising. And sometimes, laugh-out-loud great...

A (Very) Short Career in Politics: Pt 2

2008-07-17T21:08:00.004+10:00

Hmmm...serious bit of bad soap opera, leaving you hanging like that - I didn't plan it that way! That's no way to treat my 17 remaining patient and dedicated subscribers; "Love youse all!" as a particularly articulate (not) Aussie boxer is wont to say. (With particular linky love to my dear Cecily, who was egging me on to finish almost before I'd stopped typing...LOL)

So, the phone call.

The party leader is a very nice bloke. We have enjoyed getting to know each other, and kicking around ideas the last few weeks. He sounded distinctly uncomfortable as he told me that certain members of the party, all from one community group, felt that they would be "better represented" on council by another candidate (from their group) who had only just decided he was willing to have a shot at it.

As background to that, this group has been working particularly hard together over nearly two years to represent their village (mine, as it happens) in the fight against a particularly odious development proposed for it (Hardie Holdings - will mean something to the Aussies amongst you). They felt that this candidate had more experience, in this issue, in reading the associated reports and EIR's and DPs and LEPs (Environmental Impact Reports/Development Proposals/Local Environmental Plans) etc...and he did.

(But that is not all Council is about. And I'm a pretty fast learner, for a blonde. But I digress...)

Plus, this group discussed it amongst themselves, without raising it at the party meetings. It only came out in a private conversation with the party leader, the day after our last meeting, which lead to his phone call. So much for increased transparency and honesty, the bedrock of our campaign for council!

My initial feelings were of anger and defiance. I told him I was not prepared to just quietly back down and wanted to think about it. He was really supportive, very disappointed too at the way this issue had been raised, but able to see both points of view - we both have particular strengths as candidates, and either would make a good running partner from his point of view. Also, and importantly, the community groups form the support team for this little local party - any bad feelings or dissent risks undermining the whole team. We agreed that, unless either one of us was prepared to back down, we should put the #2 slot to a secret ballot of the party at the next meeting as the fairest way to decide. Since we were all about to go away on holiday, that was nearly 2 weeks away.

The next 24 hours was quite interesting. What had been a little head cold suddenly decided to become laryngitis - with so much to think about and talk about, suddenly I couldn't talk at all! It was great. Everything had come to a screaming halt - and as soon as I realised this, I started to look at why, and to wonder what the message was for me.

That's when I realised how much I was putting on the line if I actually got on Council - my life, and most especially, the wee man's life.

We've been through a lot in the last couple of years, and particularly the last 6 months. I have been very conscious of a certain amount of anger he has felt towards me, as the one he perceives as the instigator of the breakup of his family unit. I understand that, and want to be able to work with him to help him heal those feelings. And I realised that my Council dream would take me further away from him, and give him more reason to be angry at me...and that was the last thing I wanted.

So, a couple of days later, when I had something of a voice I called the party leader back and told him to drop me...waaay down the ticket, where I had no chance of making it onto council. I am still going to run, to support the party and make a group voting ticket possible, and because I believe in what they are trying to achieve, and because it will be a valuable learning experience. There's no sour grapes - I'm still a bit peeved and disappointed at the way the local group handled the matter, but I'm a big girl, and I know politics is always a dirty game...even this close to home.

All the more reason for me to run in 4 years time, when the wee man is much older, and I'm a little wiser, and backed by people I can trust and who can trust me...