Not too long ago I finished talking to a recruiter about a job with Paypal in San Jose and I’ve been working with another recruiter for a job in San Francisco well, South San Francisco, which tied to something I got from Danielle Laporte got my wheels spinning and thinking.

Beyond the basics of food, shelter, and health, what do you need money for? Does beauty matter? Does comfort matter? Does stability have great meaning for you, or the capacity to travel the world? If you say it matters to you, then it matters. And what matters varies wildly from person to person.

Money is a means to an end is the knee-jerk answer.

But what are the ends and what are the means deserves a little more thought and reflection.

The end is the goal where you want to be at when completing a task, a period in life or a job. A means is a resource that will allow you to reach the end you set out to. Sometimes I tend to forget what is the important part of pursuing a goal, the goal itself or the journey.

Damn the leg hurts…

I was kinda expecting a certain level of pain but not the amount of pain that I’ve been through this past week. Partly because of the pain and partly to get mom off my back that I’m starting PT tomorrow.

“We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.”

Tom Stoppard

There are so many different things going on right now that I’m scared and don’t know how to deal with. This is going to be both my 2011 in review and my looking forward to 2012 and also a stream of consciousness to make sure I do remember.

2011 Part 1: Georgia

Ever since I left California to move to Georgia in 2010 I was very ambivalent about the reasons why I moved. Yes, I needed the change, I needed the challenge, I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. What didn’t dawn on me until I went back to work in January was that it didn’t feel quite right and I let slip that I wasn’t happy… it would definitely come back to bite me later but not in the way that I thought it would.

I had managed to keep myself entertained, busy and exhausted outside work. I signed up with the Georgia IronTeam from Team in Training in 2010 with the full intention of racing Ironman Arizona in November of 2011

Things didn’t quite work out the way I want the, to put it nicely. I vented elsewhere at length about what happened and why I chose to leave Georgia after I was fired (I’ve also discussed elsewhere why I still consider I was fired even when I resigned). I didn’t have enough money to stay in Georgia and the emotional weight was too much and too soon. My mom would have killed me if I hadn’t come back to California but I still do wonder if things would have been different if I had chosen to stay anyways.

I did learn a lot about the year in Georgia. I did learn, again and hopefully for good, not to rush things. The move itself wasn’t bad but the interactions and the communication (or lack thereof) taught me a lot about when to leap going and when to fold and move on

The year I spent in Georgia (outside of work) also taught me how to push on… In the past I would have given up right after the first surgery, particularly when I woke up with the pump sticking out of my belly and was scared shitless. But the team and the TNT family in Georgia kept me going. I didn’t want to, I couldn’t give up and stop training… it wasn’t until I broke my leg that I had to quit training.

2011 Part 2: California

“We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever. The goal is to create something that will.”

Chuck Palahniuk

I got back to California in a cast, with my leg swollen after hours on a damn airplane and had to rebuild my life around being broken both physically and emotionally. Physically the leg had a one way to being healed (and I didn’t know the half of it) and emotionally because of what I had to give up and the reasons why I felt I had to do it (starting with the fact that I had no money at all)

The leg stayed in a boot for a month but the pain didn’t go away. I had a CT scan and around Turkey Day I found out that surgery was no longer an option… I had to have a bone graft with meant that any endurance even for 2012 was out of the picture. Ouch was the first thing that came out of my mind, followed very closely by why the fuck now? and that followed by what the hell am I gonna do?

I’m still trying to answer those questions as I write this (and yes, I did backdate it but not by much ) and I’m coming to the end of the cast/x-rays/CT Scans/surgery/recovery period and can start thinking about what is it that I want to do and how do I want to do it.

Moving Forward: 2012 and beyond

Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming [of] men that strove with Gods.

Ulysses – Alfred, Lord Tennyson

I’m turning 38 this year. how the hell did that happen… I’ll avoid the debates regarding whether that’s old or not; it’s just how I feel. I’ve been running like hell for years, changing course every so ofter and it hasn’t worked. Part of me wants to just run, regardless of where and for what reason I want to run.

I’m tired of school politics and I want to explore professional boundaries that I’m afraid I won’t get to explore if I don’t start now. Alex may have given me a way out of this impasse but I don’t want to get my hopes too high as I’ve been burned too much recently.

I’m tired of people doing what they think is right without consideration of the world around them. Things like this article in Rolling Stones last year make me sad and, most of all, make me angry. How do you reconcile what you see as the truth of your faith with what you see people doing in the name of that faith?

Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Ulysses – Alfred, Lord Tennyson

What I want, or what I think I want

I want to get a job to get my independence back; It may mean I don’t get to stay with mom and cat for long but that would save my mental sanity.

I want to travel and save for the Triad bike of my dreams

I want to get back into training and push to Ironman training levels some time this year (see the saga of the leg for the reason why)

I want to do something to stop being disgusted with politics and religion

(originally titled The expected, the half expected and the fuck-if-I-expected-this)

Time to regroup again.

IM (Vineman or otherwise), STP and any other endurance events are out for 2012 as well (see the end of the previous post as to the reason why this happened). So the question, once again, is now what?

Unless things change i’m scheduled to get my leg cut open on January 6th (Update: Got the surgery moved ahead to December 22nd) which leaves me without putting weight on it until late February and who the hell knows how long will i be in PT and strengthening my whole body but particularly my legs before I can even consider doing another triathlon much less an Ironman.

I’m just getting to the point where I can accept a 2012 without endurance sports. The stubborn me says that I still have time to train for Pac Grove Olympic if i’m out of the cast by February, this is the same me that explored every little possibility to actually join the Iron Team in the Valley this year for a 2012 race.

But I have to surrender to the limitations that my body is putting on me. No means no, it doesn’t mean that I can try again in a few weeks. I’m honest enough to accept the fact that I can’t even walk more than a mile without being in excruciating pain…. I wouldn’t be able to walk even a 3 mile race much less a marathon

How do I stay motivated

If your life were a book and you were the author How would you want the story to go?

Amy Purdy

Fuck, 13 or even 6 months feel so far away and in such a different world.

Will I still want to do an Ironman at the end of 2012 and into 2013? THe people who don’t understand the mindset you need to do this tell me that sure I’ll be in perfect shape for IM Canada in 2013 and I want to agree with them, I want to believe that it’s all a switch you turn on and off whenever you’re ready and feel like it.

I guess it boils down to how bad you really want this… How bad you want that tattoo on your calf that says you’re an Ironman and how bad do you want to push yourself to what is certainly going to be your limit and maybe even beyond that?

in 2011 I had the drive because it gave me continuity… Triathlons and TNT were the bridge between California (friends and life) and what I was trying to build in Georgia. That went down the shitter in a hurry when i quit my job (about 30 seconds before I was fired) and later when I broke my leg so 2012 was to get back what I thought (and still think) that I deserve (whether I do or not is a different story for another argument and another post).

So the big question for 2013 (and we haven’t even started 2012 yet ) is:

Do I want to put myself through all this crap again? Train 5 to 7 days a week from December through July and then spend 17 hours killing myself (no other way to describe it) in order to accomplish a goal that most people would think is crazy?

And it’s not just that. Back when I was trying to decide if I should push or not (outlined on this earlier post) I realized that there are a lot of other questions that I should be asking regarding Ironman training beyond the simple can I or do I want to

DO I want to commit to something as crazy as this for as long as this is going to take when I’m not 100% sure that my leg will heal properly or at all?

Commitments and Resolutions

Then it hit me. Three things that make up commitment: care, consistency and confidence.

If you’re going to make the commitment, you’ve got to care about what you’re committing to. You’ve got to possess it for yourself. It can’t be something your coach, your team, your sponsors or any external source wants you to do. This has to be for you. When you care about something, you value the outcome, you place meaning on it. When you personally care about something, you do things because you want to not because you have to. You do things because not doing them disappoints yourself – not someone else.

When you don’t care, you do things half-heartedly. You skip things. You find better things to do than what you’re supposed to be doing. Your practice becomes half-assed. We’ve all been there. Whether it’s because of burnout, a goal that we set too high, or something we’re just not that into, if you don’t 100 percent care about the goal and outcome, you won’t make the commitment.

When you do care, you’re unstoppable. No morning is too dark, no day is too cold – you’re up and at it. The other day, someone asked me why I was doing Ironman. They gently reminded me that I don’t have million dollar contracts. This is true. But I’m doing it because I set a goal a year ago, one that I care about and I won’t be satisfied until I either achieve it or finish knowing that I’ve given it my best. It doesn’t have to bring me fame, money or anything external but intrinsically it means something to me. It makes me want to stay committed.

Part of commitment is consistency. It’s day after day, mile after mile, doing it when it feels good and when it doesn’t. Doing it when everyone else is doing something else. The cornerstone of commitment is sacrifice. To get something you have to give something. Whether it’s giving it your best, giving a lot of your time or giving up _____, this type of day after day sacrifice and practice is the consistency it takes to stay committed.

After years of competing as an athlete and working with other athletes, I have uncovered only one secret: the only thing that matters is consistency. Without it, you will not gain fitness, you will not make progress, you will not gain anything from what you do. Read that again. To get to where you want to go months from now, you need to be putting in the day to day work right now. No shortcuts. The week before the big race is too late. The month before the big race is too late. It starts now.

When you are committed, you are saying that you will be consistent. To be consistent you have to stay healthy. This means paying extra attention to your diet, health, recovery, sleep and stress. Each can influence your consistency. A week of poor eating, catching a cold, an injury, unnecessary life drama – all of this interrupts your consistency. True that it takes a lot of time, money and energy to give each of these things proper attention. But the meaningfulness of your commitment impels you to do so. To keep yourself in balance and healthy. It’s worth it.

When you make a commitment, you do so with the underlying certainty of yes you can. That is confidence. Confidence is what sparks us to think – I can do this – and then empowers us to get it done. Confidence is the bottom line with any commitment. If you think you can or you can’t – you’re right. If you’ve committed to something, you know you can – so honor yourself and do it.

In life, you will encounter many people who try to take away your confidence. People say all sorts of stupid shit to make you feel less able, guilty, weak or less confident. Understand that you have no responsibility to believe any of what they say. Know who to listen to. Listen to yourself, listen to the opinions of those who mean something to you (your parents, your coach). Don’t place value on anything else. The best piece of advice I’ve ever received: don’t change who you are for anyone else.

If you made the commitment for a goal, you are confident. You know you can. You care about this goal and believe you can do it. It will take consistency in your practice and habits to follow through. So, when you think about what commitment means – it’s about setting a goal you care about, it’s about acting consistently to do the work required to achieve that goal and it’s letting your own confidence carry you through.

So ask yourself: what am I going to commit to this coming season? Is it a personal best? Is it winning my division? Is it showing up to every morning practice? What will draw you out of bed each morning when the big event is months away, when the water is cold or it’s the dead of winter. The beauty is that you decide about your commitments – you make the choice. Which means the process of commitment and achieving things is entirely in your control.

from Elizabeth Waterstraat

It’s coming to that time of the year again when we have to make plans for the year ahead so here it goes. Because of the leg I’m actually making plans for 1 and 2 years ahead… hopefully this is not going to sound too crazy

• I’m committing to Ironman Canada for 2013.
• I’m committing to be strong and fit as I was when I was training with the team in Georgia.
• I’ll work with a nutritionist so I can decide upon and reach my target weight for Canada (and yes, I have someone in mind already).

As far as training goals, I have a few things in mind

• Beat 1:15:00 on 2.4 mile swim
• Get to cycle 300 miles a week
• Run the San Jose R&R half in 2012

This past weekend has been one of very mixed emotions. I’m psyched for and proud of all my Georgia friends and teammates who completed (or are completing as I write this) Ironman Arizona… It is an awesome accomplishment. I’m also unbelievable bitter that i’m not there completing the event with them… and all because of a broken leg that hasn’t healed the way I expected it to.

I asked Drew (my first TNT coach and a good friend since) whether I should push and try to get back in shape for another try with the team here in California. He mentioned my leg not being fully healed as a reason why I shouldn’t try to push this year to do Vineman in 2012 and wait to do a race in 2013.

Drew sent me this link: http://www.active.com/triathlon/Articles/Should-You-Do-an-Ironman-Triathlon.htm
as an honest gut check regarding whether I should or not.

Here is the gut feeling / knee jerk answer

For most of 2011 my life revolved around work and training. Saturday, August 23 I fell and my bike fell on my leg… result: fibula partially broken. I still remember when I spoke with Mike (Gaw one of the coaches from the Georgia Iron Team) and we both decided that it was not going to be possible for me to continue training. Right then and there I decided that I was going to try again in 2012… it’s got nothing to do with pride (at least it wasn’t initially thought with that goal) but it was as a motivation to heal, recover and move on both in my endurance challenges and the rest of my life.

As hard as it may be for some of my friends to believe, endurance sports has become the center of balance on my life… yes, part of me wants to really see if I can do an Ironman (and more than once as time/energy/life permits) but it has also to do with the friendships you make and the single minded desire to work towards a goal and accomplish it. While I was in Georgia it was the training that kept me from saying fuck this shit, packing and going home… I ended up packing and going home anyway but that’s a different story.

Now for the specific answers to the questions

What is your financial status or your predicted status a year from now?

I’m fundraising for TNT so it shouldn’t be as hard as if I was paying for a coach out of pocket. I also have money that I’m transferring from Georgia. If I had to do it out of pocket it would amount to $400 a month. I still think that’s doable.

Do you need a massive new goal to motivate you and your training?

Yes, I most definitely do! Even though it’s a moot point (more on this later) I still need to feel that I have something to accomplish.

Are you avoiding other projects in your life?

How are your relationships with your family and friends?

Would a year of racing focused on shorter faster distances help set you up better for Ironman success?

Maybe you need to shake off some of the heavy endurance muscles and tap into speed in your legs that may have been beat down from years of long-distance training.

Are you in optimal health?

No, that’s why I’m wondering whether I should or not. I’m not healthy right now but am counting on my body to have fully recovered by the time serious training starts.

Are you trying to qualify for Kona?

Not until I have 5 IM races under my belt will I consider the possibility of trying to qualify for Kona

Are you trying to PR on a favorite course?

No

Have you considered signing up for a race with a group of people?

I want to do it with TNT. It’ll be interesting to see who the coach is when my body finally decides to let me do this shit.

Are you turning this trip into a family vacation?

Don’t know yet… I don’t have a partner to travel with

The veredict

I went to the doctor on Wednesday (11/23) and the conversation went something like this:

Doctor: How are you doing?

Me: I hope i’ll be doing better. Do you have any news for me?

Doctor: I do.

Me: Good News or Bad News

Doctor: It depends on whether you’re in absolutely no pain or not

Me: Bad news then. I’m still in pain.

He then proceeded to explain o me that my bone wasn’t fully healed, that they best solution is surgery, what would the bone graft surgery do and that I would be down for 6 weeks before I’d be allowed to put weight back on the leg.

This renders the discussion of whether I’m ready to do an Ironman moot as I will not be ready to develop baseline until January or February…

Yeah, fuck me about sums it up

I saw this through a friend on G+ and it just blew my mind and made me think a lot both in terms of truth and lies as well as how can technology help us to lie (or tell the truth) better and how much we delude ourselves by holding on to what we consider to be the truth no matter what the real truth is. That’s why the lyrics of Who Knew by Pink are resonating so much with me right now.

I hate not finishing something I started. I hate it even more when I can’t finish it because my body betrayed me. I hate it the most when I was just recovering and getting ready for the last push when my body decides I’m not gonna do it. I stopped hating the idea that I had to quit what had been the focal point of my life since January when we first committed to the program and that I’ll miss my friends doing it.

I got this on an email from a friend and training captain with the team in Georgia. I’m copying it because it’s the motivation I’m looking for and something to remember moving forward.

Part of the healing process is to accept that, even if I’m not there, I’ll share on my friends’ success and happiness. and sure as hell, I’ll nail Vineman next year…

I thought I was going to be more reluctant about leaving Georgia and I’m not. Part of me is sad and part of me is really glad to be on the way back to California

The part that is sad is going to miss the team and the relationships I built there. It was the one positive of the year in exile: Now I know I can do it and where I need to push harder to get my Ironman goal. It will not be the only Ironman by any stretch of the imagination. I want to do more than one but I have to learn whether I can do it or not, whether the Ironman is the limit I’ve been searching for.

The part that doesn’t regret leaving is tired of educational politics. It is sick of how people use employees to the last and then discard them like dirty paper towels.

I offered both communication and trust and got slapped hard for it. Would I do it differently… I would have said no more often; I would have observed more and done less (as sucky as that idea is) and would have definitely not said as much as I did to the people I said it to.

What I’ve learned

I’ve learned, again, that it’s the long-term goal what really matters. The short term is nice when/if it happens but it’s not the ultimate goal. It doesn’t matter if you get your 30 day goal if that means you’ll loose the goal for the year. Yes, you work with the information you have available at the time but there is a large degree of trust and faith involved on it.

Unless it’s to go back to school I’m not moving out of California.

Never, ever again work for a friend or someone who calls him/herself my friend.

I continue to learn what I don’t want to be as a team leader or manager. I still believe in communication and trust. I believe in standing by the people who work for/with you

Moving forward (again)

I applied for a job just because it seemed interesting and because I wanted to try and bounce as quickly as possible.

With my foot injury I realize that I shouldn’t try and rush things. If I get the job that’s great but it’s not and end on itself. I’m working on a website or two and also a couple of ebooks to show I can do it. We’ll see where it goes from there…

Train’s save me San Francisco resonates a lot right now because it tells my story. I let myself loose sight of the long term goal for the short term gain. And it’s also cautionary tale as to how far and hard you should push in order to achieve your goals.

Work hard at generating income. The biggest problem with freelancing and location independent work is to get the first few leads/jobs that will allow me to establish my credentials. Let’s see how they work