The Gospel According to Carl

God Plays Dice.

2015-05-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

For each life that begins its journey in the world, the cosmic omnihedrons fly again.

We're all born with a set of skills, resources and obstacles. The size and quantity of each varies wildly- unless we're to believe that by the age of 30, someone born in Uganda and stolen into Kony's child army will be on roughly equal footing with a western kid who throws a tantrum over getting an expensive car in the wrong colour.

Some of us are born with severe disabilities, others are born healthy and with private heath insurance.

Some of us are born with an abusive parent (or two), others are born into the kind of family that will do anything to support them.

Some of us end up going to over-crowded schools with under-qualified or over-worked teachers, others go to the top private schools in the country and learn from the best.

A vast multitude of factors have a huge say on who we are, where we end up and what we take with us, even before we've matured enough to take a measure control of it for ourselves- assuming we get what we need to do that.

By the time you started understand how the game works, you already had a lot of dice rolled for you and you're stuck with the results- all you can do from there is whatever options they now afford you.

A lot of people work very hard for what they end up with after that point, and a lot of people don't. Those people don't divide up neatly by how much they have (inversely or not).

The main skill you need to achieve anything in life would be your ability to milk whatever advantages come your way. If they do.

We all like to think that anything we get, we get because we're awesome and deserve it, but in reality that was only a small part of it- much more of our lives come from a cosmic random number generator. And I hate living in a world where wealth is so dependant on that.

So I guess what I'm saying here is this: God plays dice with our lives, and it is on this we may either prosper or perish.

(Nuzloke) Scraping Through and Moving On

2014-03-22T05:09:00.002-07:00

Much has happened in my Nuzloke Challenge since my last blog update.

Firstly I lost Tyrion. I decided to fight another trainer- a Rocket this time, and his L16 Raticate one-hit him with Hyper Fang. One hit. All 51 HP.

Well, on the bright side I learned that Hyper Fang is good, and Jay Lenno learned it.
Also Stormtide learned Tackle, I forgot he gets that.

Then I recklessly overextended myself, I decided to scout ahead in Mt Moon, and found myself face to face with another Rocket that I forgot was there. (The last one of Mt Moon however.)

In that battle I lost Karn and Ratty.

Went back to heal up and release the fallen, then struggled on through with my only two survivors- Stormtide the Magikarp and Jay Lenno the Rattata.
Hyper Fang carried me through the last trainer and I acquired the Sacred Helix Fossil.

Emerging from Mt Moon, I find myself on Route 4 and by God I totally forgot this was a new route and not a continuation of Route 3. Thankfully after some prompting I checked my map and saw it was indeed another route- which means I can catch another Pokémon.
Disappointingly, I landed myself ANOTHER Rattata. I named him Mr Nibbles and he was Lv8.

Then after healing up in Cerulean I went back to Route 4- now the only place I can fight wild Pokémon without initiating that rival battle and then having to take down all of Nugget Bridge.
Noticing that Jay Lenno can Quick Attack to one-hit almost anything here without taking damage himself, I proceeded to grind him right up to Lv20, at which point he evolved into Raticate.
But despite being surprisingly powerful, I felt this wouldn't be enough. So, on to training Stormtide!
Some slightly more tedious grinding later and I have him to Lv18, and feed him the two Rare Candies from my inventory. (One came from Mt Moon, the other is in Cerulean and can only be found with the Itemfinder normally but after after all these years I still remember where to find it.)
Suddenly, Gyarados! :D
Then got Mr Nibbles to 14, so he learns Hyper Fang.

I went on to stomp right up Nugget Bridge like a badass. A Gyarados and Raticate will do that.

Route 24, I caught a Lv7 Weedle which I named Vorapede. He has since become a Beedrill.
Route 25 (right around the corner, yes it is a different route!) I failed to catch a Lv7 Metapod. I don't know how that was so hard. But after getting it to low health and running out of Pokéballs I had to give up. No great loss though.

After meeting up with Bill and stomping on the last few trainers I missed, it was time to go kick Misty's ass. And I've never had an easier time of it, honestly.

Onwards! Route 5 yielded me an Oddish (Lv13), I named it Saproling, and we are now up to date.

Party:
Jay Lenno (Raticate) Lv22
Stormtide (Gyarados) Lv22
Mr Nibbles (Rattata) Lv17
Vorapede (Beedrill) Lv15
Saproling (Oddish) Lv13

List of the Slain:
Bulbasaur. Lv5-14. Pallet Town-Route 3.
Vermin (Rattata). Lv3-10. Route 2-Route 3.
Zazu (Spearow). Lv7. Route 3-Mt. Moon.
Tyrion (Butterfree). Lv3-16. Viridian Forest-Mt. Moon.
Karn (Geodude). Lv8-14. Mt. Moon.
Ratty (Rattata). Lv3-12. Route 22-Mt. Moon.

(Nuzloke) Preparations...

2014-03-15T13:04:00.004-07:00

Mt. Moon. The first *real* challenge of the Pokémon games.
Ahead lies a gauntlet of trainers and wild Pokémon. While any one or two are easy enough, the number of them is what used to wear me down.

So in preparation I've been doing a combination of training against wild Pokémon, and turtling through by fighting one or two trainers at a time before retreating to heal up at the Pokémon Centre outside.

I bought the Magikarp from the old man and named it Stormtide. Then, the first thing I encountered in Mt. Moon was a Geodude, who is now mine, and is named Karn. (These are both MTG-themed names.) I can see Karn carrying me quite a way.

But as luck would have it, no sooner had I entered Mt. Moon as I'd had an unfortunate trainer battle (the Lass with a Lv14 Clefary) in which I lost Zazu. That was pretty short-lived.

RIP Zazu (Spearow) Lv7. Route 3-Mt. Moon.

Still, my levelling goes well. Though I swear I got my entire team to Lv11, they appear not to be- must've forgotten to save at some point. Gah.
At any rate, my main plan is to keep putting Stormtide out first so that he can gain enough EXP to eventually become non-worthless, and switching out for one of my Rattata Team. Training Karn is low-priority as I don't mean for him to see any action in the second gym, for obvious reasons. For Misty, I hope to be able to catch a grass-type above Nugget Bridge, or failing that rely on my Rattatas, plus Tyrion and (evolution permitting) Stormtide to win the day.

First, though, I actually need to get through this damn mountain.

Party:
Jay Lenno (Rattata)
Ratty (Rattata)
Tyrion (Butterfree)
Stormtide (Magikarp)
Karn (Geodude)

List of the Slain:
Bulbasaur. Lv5-14. Pallet Town-Route 3.
Vermin (Rattata). Lv3-10. Route 2-Route 3.
Zazu (Spearow). Lv7. Route 3-Mt. Moon.

(Nuzloke) Picking up the Pieces

2014-03-14T05:41:00.002-07:00

Well, I finally found it in me to continue the Pokémon run. I headed back to Pewter City where I sat for a while, struggling with myself before finally releasing Bulbasaur.
I could've just stuck him in a PC box for all eternity, and let him stay there. Or SOMETHING. Just because I couldn't bear to release him. But, that wouldn't be in the spirit of the Nuzloke Challenge. This challenge is as much about strength of character as it is about making Pokémon more difficult.

RIP Bulbasaur. Lv5-14. Pallet Town-Route 3.

I pressed on through Route 3. Fortunately I'd managed to already clear out all the other trainers before the patch of grass.
So I into the grass I went, intent on catching another critter, hopefully one that is not a Rattata.
True enough, I snagged myself a Spearow. Not sure how I feel about that, after losing Bulbasaur I have now developed something of a prejudice against all Spearow. And Youngsters. And people who approach me to talk about shorts.
But for the sake of the run, I shall consort with the enemy.
My Spearow, after a long time spent pondering over nicknames, came to be named Zazu.

Then I made another mistake.
I decided to take on that one Lass in the tall grass on Route 3, with the Jigglypuff.
I remembered that it used to be an annoying fight, because Jigglypuff can sing my critters to sleep, but how bad can one Jigglypuff be, right?
It was level 14.
Long story short, I lost Vermin. Once I realised how much damage Jiggly was doing with Pound, I immediately switched to the Pokémon I care about least. Sadly, I wasn't paying attention when Vermin was put to sleep, and then he was knocked out. Victory was mine, however.

RIP Vermin (Rattata). Lv3-10. Route 2-Route 3.

So, now I'm in the Pokémon Centre immediately before Mt Moon. Time to release Vermin, heal up, pick my ass off the floor and move on.

I intend to buy the Magikarp for sale here, too. Could come in handy. I need more Pokémon in general, especially anything that isn't normal-type, and if I start training now I could easily have a Gyarados by the time I reach Vermilion.

Onward!

Party:
Jay Lenno (Rattata)
Ratty (Rattata)
Tyrion (Butterfree)
Zazu (Spearow)

List of the Slain:
Bulbasaur. Lv5-14. Pallet Town-Route 3.
Vermin (Rattata). Lv3-10. Route 2-Route 3.

EDIT: New additions of Stormtide (Magikarp) Lv5 and Karn (Geodude) Lv8. From the obvious locations of Mt Moon and the Pokémon Cente outside it.

Bulbasaur RIP

2014-02-27T19:22:00.000-08:00

FUCK. Fuck fuck McFucking fuck fucknuts. FUCK.

I lost Bulbasaur. On Route 3. To that little bastard with the Spearow who accused me of not wearing shorts.
I underestimated how much damage it could do with Peck. I... I could've saved him. If I'd switched him out... Or used another potion.... Dammit this wasn't even a battle I needed to fight.

Not sure I want to continue this run now I've lost my best. I was counting on Bulbasaur to carry me through damn near half the game.

*sigh*

I'll come back to this later. I'm in no mood to keep playing tonight.

Nuzloke Challenge Update

2014-02-27T05:23:00.004-08:00

Brock is down.
This was relatively easy, Leech Seed put in a ton of work. Basically just Leech Seeded his Geodude, and had Bulbasaur keep growling at it. Geodude kept using Defense Curl and Bulbasaur kept growling so essentially Geodude could both deal and receive nearly no damage, except what Leech Seed was draining.
A little grindy maybe, but this worked.
Onix fell to a similar plan, except when he started charging Bide, I decided to switch to Vermin. I don't remember just how much damage that attack does but given it takes two turns to charge... I'm not throwing anything I actually want to keep in the way of it. But it missed anyway. Twice.
Got through that battle with barely a scratch on my team.
Oh and Tyrion's a Butterfree now. I forgot that in Red, unlike in Yellow, he does not immediately learn Confusion upon evolving. Ah well...

So far so good. Haven't lost anyone yet. Hope I didn't jinx it.

Pokémon Red: Nuzloke Challenge

2014-02-23T05:14:00.001-08:00

Well, I've been thinking for a while that I should get back to posting on here, especially given that I've somehow had a spike in page views, that Blogger won't tell me where from.
I can only assume this has something to do with my comments on the blog of a certain slightly-more-famous-than-me-or-anyone-I-know girlfriend, and a small, slightly-creepy subset of her followers wondering who I am.
Assuming that to be the case, well, hello and welcome to you. I'm Carl, this is my blog, and I rant here whenever I feel like I want to talk about something to nobody in particular. A mood which usually takes me during long walks to or from work, and fades away by the time I'm actually in a position to write about it in detail.

Just now I decided I'd like somewhere to record my progress through my Nuzloke Challenge on Pokémon Red. But without spamming it repeatedly to everyone I know on Facebook or anyone who doesn't really give a damn. Then I remembered I have a blog! YEAH!

So for those who don't know (which is a lot of people), the Nuzloke Challenge is basically a way of playing through a Pokémon game, with a couple of extra self-imposed restrictions (and I'm assuming you know roughly how Pokémon games work, if you don't then go play one, I don't know how you managed to avoid knowing this).

The rules are, simply:
1. If a Pokémon faints, you release it into the wild.
2. The only Pokémon you are allowed to catch is the first wild one you see in each area. If it faints or flees, no catch for you!

A more detailed story of the challenge and its optional extra rules can be found here.

So I booted up a copy of Red version- the classics are what I know, and an excuse to re-play it always makes me happy- and started this.
I decided that Rule #2 is only in effect once I get the ability to buy Pokéballs (so once I'm back in Viridian City after delivering Oak's package) and added the optional rule about giving nicknames to Pokémon to build that extra level of emotional attachment and make it all the more heartbreaking to have to release them (what can I say, I'm an XCOM player, emotional masochism is part of a good gaming experience for me). Except the starter, who I couldn't think of a nickname for and I figure I get attached enough to those as it is (seriously in all my Pokémon playthroughs I've ever done in my childhood and teen years, I never once had a team without my starter).

The choice of version was my first decision: I wanted a first-gen game, because those are what I know and love, and I'm saving a second-gen re-play for another time.
It couldn't be Yellow because with Pikachu as the starter and only one opportunity to catch anything that won't get slaughtered by Brock, plus the fact that after this you get all three R/B starters as free handouts later, it seems like this challenge would have a weird and broken difficulty curve- you get royally screwed by Brock at the first gym and then go on to have a really easy time later.
So, Red or Blue it is! Red, I chose. (Before anyone asks why I didn't pick FireRed/LeafGreen, the answer is basically "fuck off, I don't know.".)

I started with Bulbasaur. Charmander is obviously by far the coolest starter, but if you know the first generation Pokémon games, Bulbasaur just makes sense- being a grass type he has a solid advantage over the first three gyms and will carry me through a substantial portion of the game (until I, hopefully, have a better variety of types to choose from).

So after I finished the parcel malarkey from Professor Oak, and got back to Viridian, I naturally bought some Pokéballs immediately and ran back to Route 1. First Pokémon was a Lv3 Rattata. Caught it and named it Jay Lenno, in homage to the one that appeared on the Twitch Plays Pokémon stream, may the sacred Helix Fossil rest his soul.

Party:
Bulbasaur
Jay Lenno (Rattata)

Next port of call, Route 22! Yes, that little bit off to the west on the way to Victory Road. People forget about that spot but it offers you an optional battle with your rival (which affects what he eventually evolves his Eevee into in Yellow) and also has a patch of grass that plays host to an assortment of more exotic species than Route 1. Subjects include Nidoran (both kinds), Spearow, and Mankey (later discovered he doesn't appear on Red).
My Route 22 catch? Lv3 Rattata.... With slightly worse stats than Jay Lenno.

Party:
Bulbasaur
Jay Lenno (Rattata)
Ratty (Rattata)

Moved on to Route 2 for the catch from there.
Another Rattata, also Lv3. Fucking Hell.... I was feeling at this point somewhat unsympathetic toward this Rattata, it being the third one I've caught. I mean, two is fine, I can deal with that... but three?

Party:
Bulbasaur
Jay Lenno (Rattata)
Ratty (Rattata)
Vermin (Rattata)

After finding comfort in the memory that Rattata doesn't even APPEAR in Viridian Forest, I moved to take on the optional rival battle, for which I'd made a point of training my team substantially, and after making mincemeat of his critters, I move on to Viridian Forest.
Where I catch a Caterpie, who I could think of no particularly fitting nickname, so I went with my favourite Game of Thrones character, and proceeded to smash through this forest with relative ease, evolving young Tyrion into a Metapod along the way. I brought plenty of Antidotes, because I have no intention of losing anyone here. Not even Vermin.

Viridian Forest cleared and now being used for a training ground, this brings us up to where I am now.

Party:
Bulbasaur
Jay Lenno (Rattata)
Ratty (Rattata)
Vermin (Rattata)
Tyrion (Metapod)

So far I've not failed to catch a Pokémon in each area, and I've not lost any yet. Let's hope this keeps up as I take on Brock. Which I'll be doing as soon as I get my Butterfree. Butterfree's a real powerhouse.

Adverts, AdBlock and Assholes.

2013-09-05T16:12:00.001-07:00

I use Adblock.
Let's just get that out in the open.

I also happen know widespread Adblock usage is bad for internet content providers.
But, I still use Adblock.

Before I continue, for those unaware, let me explain how the internet works and why so many people make a living on it without selling anything to you.
In every business exchange- every case where someone is being given money in exchange for something- there is a customer, a seller and a product or service. In the unusual economical systems of "free" websites that still make money, well, you usually aren't the customer.
In writing this I assume you are a Facebook user, because most people are. If you aren't, imagine you are. Or think of another free website you use for anything except buying things.
Now, there is a difference between a Facebook user and a Facebook customer. You are not a Facebook customer. You are a Facebook product. We are the collected demographics that Facebook sells to anyone who has something they want to sell to us.
You will notice on Facebook that the adverts you see are usually tied to the information you give to Facebook about yourself- the whole reason Facebook cares so much about what you "like" is so their customers- the advertising agencies and marketing departments- can find customers of their own (you). Other more specialised websites usually have a more specific demographic and are sought after by anyone wishing to advertise to that demographic.
YouTube bloggers make money off their audience through adverts.
Half the webcomics I read (well, the ones that don't have lucrative merchandising gigs going) make money on adverts.
Heck, I'm using Google AdSense on this very blog to squeeze precious pennies out of the two dozen or so views I get per post.

So yeah. We're usually not buying or selling, we're the product being sold.
I don't have a problem with this, personally. If it means content providers I like can afford to do what they do and still be able to eat, that's grand.

But, what a lot of them don't want you to do (and a certain YouTube blogger I follow has ranted about) is use a certain well-known browser extension called AdBlock.
It does what it says on the tin. Hides adverts.
The reason they don't want you using it, of course, is that for most of these websites, their revenue is generated based largely on the number of views and clicks the adverts get. So AdBlock, by being used, has an impact on how much money your favourite websites are making, and whether or not their writers get to eat this week.

So from this, the selfless, moral thing to do is to not use AdBlock, right? Right?

I tried that for a while.
And most the time it's grand. But sometimes, without AdBlock, I'm greeted with page-filling unskippable video roadblock ads. Hell, once I got a video advert on YouTube, right in the middle of a video I was watching. The video in question was a film trailer. Which already exists for the sole purpose of advertising.
Not to mention I'm forever traumatized by those. FUCKING. EMOTICON. ADVERTS. You know the ones, from the mid-2000s, that would play those God-awful annoying "HELLO-O!" sounds every time you had the misfortune of accidentally mousing over them. And some web pages have video adverts on that start playing automatically, with sound. And you can't always tell which tab they're coming from.
And the less said about popups, the better.

There comes a point where advertising is just plain invasive.
It's one thing being the product on sale, but is a little respect too much to ask? That's why I use AdBlock. And it's probably why a lot of other people use it, too. AdBlock usage is being encouraged, forced even, by so much annoying advertising.

I don't hate content providers or advertising agencies as a whole.
When I like a website and see myself going back to it, I make a point of disabling AdBlock for that site (it has that function, I highly recommend people use it, really), and let them get their well-earned money.
As long as they don't actively annoy or inconvenience me to get it, in which case I turn it right back on because fuck you, assholes.

So that's why I use AdBlock. Sometimes I feel bad for using it, but then I don't, because it seems like the only way to actually browse the internet without raising my blood pressure.
Once advertisers get a grip on how to try and sell me things without shoving them halfway down my throat while I'm busy with something else, I swear I will stop using AdBlock.

Until that happens, well, zero profit is still more profit than some of those people deserve.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

2013-08-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

(I refer to the Disney movie, not the original or any other adaptation. The Disney version that most people have heard of. Just FYI.)

One of my favourite icebreakers to use when making conversation with people is, "What's your favourite Disney movie?". This is a great question for many reasons. First of all I've noticed that almost everyone I've asked this to has named a different one (often titles I've totally forgotten about), their reasons can tell you a fair bit about the person you're talking to, and it can lead on to some very interesting conversations.

And for some reason on some parts of the internet, it is commonly accepted that "Make a Man out of You", from Mulan, is the best Disney song ever. The people this is commonly accepted by, oddly enough, are usually the ones who forget about Frollo's fantastic monologue song ("Hellfire") in Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Anyway. Here is where I explain why I love Hunchback so much. I will continue under the assumption that you have seen the film, though avoiding major spoilers.

Hunchback is a very ballsy film on Disney's part. It challenges a lot of widespread tropes and clichés in animated kids' films, and raises a lot of interesting questions, right from the start.

The very first song has our narrator take us back in time for a prologue and without a shred of subtlety asks us, "What makes a monster and what makes a man?". This becomes a major theme for the whole film- while our titular hunchback, Quasimodo, is physically what one might call a "monster", he's actually a very gentle and modest soul, contrasting nicely with Frollo- who while maintaining the appearance of nobility is actually extremely cruel.
Speaking of Frollo's cruelty (and of masquerading it as nobility), the premise of the film sees him keeping Quasimodo locked up in the upper floors of Notre Dame- Quasi is raised by Frollo, rarely if ever meets anyone else, and is never allowed outside. He's told this is for his protection- that the world is a cruel and terrible place that would instantly shun and despise him- but in reality this arrangement is merely Frollo attempting to hide the "abomination". As the film progresses, he (like half the cast, it seems) develops an obsession with Esmerelda, though in the second act it's not immediately clear whether the obsession is rooted in lust or hatred- his internal conflict here is powerfully brought out in the aforementioned "Hellfire" song.
The real kicker here, though, is that unlike conventional Disney villains, Frollo believes himself to be doing the right thing. Through all of it he has it in his head that he is the most righteous person in Paris and every terrible deed he performs is the will of God.
That right there? Disney challenging religion. In a kids' film. That takes balls.
Well, not necessarily challenging religion as a whole, but religion as blind justification for a personal agenda. But again, by Disney standards this is serious business.

Continuing on, Quasimodo himself is a character I find highly relate-able. Moreso a few years ago. After all, he's a 20-year-old man who has never been outside. (Ba-dum-TSH!)
A product of his isolation (forced upon him by a guardian who instilled him with a cynical view of the world that never entirely took) is the fact he has no friends, save for the stone gargoyles.
This is where my favourite observation comes in- you will note that the gargoyles never actually talk to anyone besides Quasimodo, and are never seen to be moving or doing anything animated while characters other than Quasimodo are present (with exceptions in the case of comic relief, but never anything that contributes to the plot). Which tells me, quite simply, that Quasi's friends are not magical talking gargoyles. They are boring, mundane gargoyles that he brings to life in his imagination. They are quite literally imaginary friends. (And that is an oxymoron.) For lack of anyone else to talk to, he holds entire conversations (and later, a song) with what are, essentially, the voices in his head.

I was going to talk more about Esmerelda in this paragraph, and what she means to Quasimodo, but I really can't do that without spoiling the ending. Which I shall not be doing here lest the one person who hasn't seen it should have that ruined.
Suffice it to say that it's widely considered the most ballsy move ever made in an animated Disney film.

Hunchback really is a film with a lot of depth to it and is, in fact, a whole lot darker than it appears at first glance.

Watch this film. Seriously.

Rant over.

"Start a blog", they said.

2013-08-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

I have a blog already. This one. I just don't use it because I can't be bothered.

"They", by the way, refers to a couple of people from work (well, mostly Alex) apparently liking the things I say on Facebook. Personally I'm not sure if that's true or just an elaborate conspiracy to get me to stop cluttering their news feeds. But I like to take people at face value.

In the name of irony, I am going to blog about why I don't blog. Well, more specifically about why the things I say on Facebook wouldn't make good blog material. I can blog just fine when I can be arsed, as I am about to demonstrate.

Put simply, I have a rather specific posting style on my Facebook statuses that does not translate well to blog form. Status messages are meant to be short and sweet, limited to a sentence or two. I prefer Facebook over Twitter because it lacks the 140-character limit, but I feel the principle of posting short anecdotes still applies. Facebook, by its very format, is clearly meant to be read by people who don't want to pay attention to any single item for more than about five to ten seconds or so.
Which is why, when I post something on Facebook about things that happen during my day, I like to be brief.
And by being brief on Facebook, I've learned to have a lot of fun "enhancing" the truth.
No, no, I don't lie. I just pick specific details to emphasise- leaving out the context and presenting only the conclusion so as to properly demonstrate just how wacky and out-there it something actually is. Pepper with a little bit of snarky sarcasm and serve.
What we're left with is something that sounds interesting, and yet leaves enough to imagination that the reader will probably invent their own far more interesting version of the truth. (Or otherwise, encourage any interested parties to ask for the rest of the story.)

Now, this posting style does not lend itself well to a blog, where I'm not constrained by any limits on how brief to make my comments. Obviously a blog is no place to summarise your life in a snappy one-liner and leave it at that (well, unless it's a Tumblr "blog"). And when it comes to my life, well, I don't like talking to a whole crowd about my day, because it's usually not all that interesting, except maybe to those already invested in my life.

Maybe that's because I all but grew up on the internet- a land where most of what you say about your "feelings" and things that happened to you lately are met with "haha, nobody cares", but I've come to understand that if I want people to care about what I say, it needs to somehow be relevant or interesting to them. Something that makes a point, gives you something to think about or in any way affects you.
Like recommending that you try a cheese and strawberry sandwich.
No, seriously, go do that.
Stop wondering whether or not I put on clothes and left the house today and make yourself a cheese and strawberry sandwich. If you don't have strawberries, jam is fine too.
Go on, try it.
I'm done here.

Hello Again, World

2013-06-05T04:14:00.003-07:00

It has been a while since I posted here. Not a whole lot to say right now. Was originally planning to continue that story I started, but there's been no inspiration for the next part. Haven't forgotten about this blog though. Will update with something soon.

Greg, Part One

2012-09-14T15:52:00.001-07:00

There is an old man who lives on the end of the street. Greg is his name.

Greg used to have a small orchard in his garden. And not just any orchard, either. He had won many a prize for his delicious peaches, and grew many other impressive things besides.

Greg took a lot of pride in his garden. Despite that, he was nice enough that he always let the kids from the local orphanage come and help themselves to anything they wanted save for his prized peaches.

This arrangement worked well. The orphans were incredibly grateful to Greg, and he was glad of the extra company.

But, kids will be kids and the peace was short-lived. One day, Greg's grandson, Simon, came to visit. Simon saw a small boy and girl eating from the garden, and he told them all about how delicious his grandfather's award-winning peaches were.

They looked around, and picked one each, since nobody was watching. Or so they thought...

Just as Simon had said, they were the most delicious peaches the children had ever tasted.

Greg rushed out of his house and caught up to the children as they were leaving. He had told the rascals not to touch his peaches and they disobeyed!

And so he dragged them both out of the garden, kicked the girl in the stomach, forbade them from returning and hired an armed guard to make sure that nobody enter his garden ever again.

And so all was well again, for a while.

To Be Continued...

Fuck You, Pigeons.

2012-08-24T17:26:00.001-07:00

I have a basic understanding of what an ecosystem is. In a stable ecosystem, everything balances and keeps something else in check. If herbivores reproduce too much, the size of their population means they eat up all the edible plants in the region and all die out as a result. As such, there are predators, who hunt and eat the herbivores. A similar principle applies here for keeping THEIR population in check.
With oxygen and carbon dioxide, we humans convert one to the other by breathing and the plants and trees convert it back with photosynthesis. We do something for each other.
All this and more is part of a balanced ecosystem the stability of which everything depends on.
Every living thing (and many nonliving things) is part of an ecosystem, and most of the things I can think of, from microscopic organisms to the tallest giraffes and the heaviest whales, ultimately do something productive for it.

Except pigeons.

What the fuck do pigeons do for anything?
They eat the things we throw away, and they shit on the things we don't.
If you love something, and you keep it outdoors for long enough, it will inevitably be shat on by a pigeon.
That pigeon was likely just eating some breadcrumbs or something that you dropped the other week, too.
I seriously have no idea what pigeons actually do to benefit anyone or anything.

They are nature's most ungrateful freeloaders.

Fuck pigeons.

Anti-Piracy Is Evil, Or At Least Retarded.

2012-07-16T17:40:00.004-07:00

I despise anti-piracy adverts. I despise pretty much everything to do with the notion of "fighting piracy".

No, I don't hate artists, writers, filmmakers or game designers. I want them to do well for themselves.

But the entire pirate witch hunt (and I mean it, that's what it's escalating into) seems to me so much worse. Not because of any kind of legal reason, but because it's just so fucking stupid. Most these people don't have a clue what they're talking about and the rest are just assholes.
Really, from DRM to most anti-piracy adverts, it all feels like an attack on the viewer's character and an accusation against their morality, even once you ignore the parts that are outright propaganda.
With DRM, you essentially accuse your entire market of being thieves- AFTER they've paid for the product. If a car dealer started doing exactly what game publishers do with DRM, he'd basically be hiring a guy to follow you home after you buy the car, to make sure you don't try any funny business like lending it to your non-car-owning sister or something. It does exactly fuck all to the real "thieves" and only inconveniences the paying customer.
And the anti-piracy adverts. The unskippable ones that run before DVDs, and films in cinemas?
Preaching to the converted. It's just glaring angrily at paying customers and saying "I've got my eye on you...". It's also fucking annoying. No, these people are not going to kill your industry any more than cassette tape recorders destroyed the music industry back in the '80s. As Gabe Newell said, "Piracy is a service problem.", and if people aren't paying full price to see your damn movie it's not because they want to kick you in the balls, it's because something else is deterring them. Perhaps it's your prices. Perhaps its the fact the movie sucks ass. Perhaps it IS your annoying, morally-accusing adverts- pirates can edit those out, you know.

In my entire film-watching, music-listening, game-playing "career" as a law-abiding consumer, I have exactly once seen a *good* example of anti-piracy measures (Valve notwithstanding).
It was an advert that played on a rental DVD I got from LoveFilm (speaking of which, how does the rental industry not hurt the film/game industry in the same way piracy and preowned supposedly do?).
It simply said, "By purchasing this DVD, you are supporting the UK Film Industry! THANK YOU!". I felt all warm and fuzzy and really did feel sad that the film was a rental rather than one I'd actually bought.

That's how it's done, people. Don't treat paying customers like shit because you need a scapegoat for your shoddy service. Thank those customers for their commitment and help.
Your customers are not beneath you, consumers are not livestock and they do not depend on you. Some of them are smart and most of them don't like being screwed around.
Be nice to them. Don't rip them off. Let them know you appreciate their business.
Put customer loyalty before excess profits and do business with a smile, a handshake and a bit of good old fashioned integrity.
Bad service is piracy's greatest advertisement.
Sometimes I swear I'm practically the only person in the world who understands how to run a gorram business.

Aaand I'm done.

We Have Everything.

2012-07-05T16:01:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I step back and look at just how much we have that we take for granted that our ancestors never dreamed of, and others in the world still don't have.

I remember, back in college, I was on an "Entry to Employment" course that, really, is geared toward dropouts and people who just don't know how to function in society. Or at least, that's what you'd deduce from most the students anyway. It was great- thanks to the magic of tax-payer-funded education incentives (read: EMA) I was actually getting paid for the simple enjoyable pleasure of being the smartest person in the room all day long. Even learned to cook chicken curry.
Anyway. One particular exercise saw everyone issued with Argos catalogues and told to furnish a 3-room bedsit (bedroom, kitchen, bathroom) on a £1000 budget. Assume there's already a cooker, shower and some cupboards. It was a simple enough exercise so long as your idea of budgeting is in roughly the same ballpark as "avoid the most expensive thing in the book".
I don't remember how many people in the class had an easy time with it (I challenge anyone to go do this for yourself, it's not all too hard). But I do remember one particular girl who insisted on picking out a medium-sized high-definition television priced at about half her budget. And, despite that this wasn't even a real situation, she stubbornly refused to be talked out of it because of how great it was. Naturally she couldn't stick to the budget. I just included a modestly-priced regular-definition TV, and with all else said and done still had enough budget left for a Gamecube bundle. (Entertainment is good but not as important as other things...)
This is a bit of an extreme example, for sure, but it really goes to show that people take a lot for granted.

Maybe we aren't all so crazy over our HDTVs (though I'm probably the only person I know who doesn't have one I'm sure many of you can exist without such a thing if the need arose) but nonetheless there are many things in our everyday lives that we think of as "essentials" and act with a degree of urgency over the loss of, that other people on this very planet will never own or see.

It became serious fucking business for half my family when the TV downstairs broke. If your refrigerator broke, you'd probably seek an immediate replacement because you just can't function for a week without it.

Just look at the sheer power that we, the First-World People wield in our everyday lives:
Right from the start of your day, you (usually) wake up wrapped in a warm bundle of fine blankets and sheets and such.
As you leave your bed, you probably enjoy the existence of central heating, which allows you to comfortably strut around all but naked when there's a foot of snow outside.
As you reach your bathroom you summon forth as much of Earth's most important resource- water- as you could possibly need and then some, not to mention adjusting the pressure and temperature of it to your exact preferences, only ever having it too hot or cold for a second or so.
You likely use yet more water to dispose of your... well, you know. Do you even know how it works? Once upon a time people just dug a hole in the ground and left it at that. Now you use a significant amount of water to blast it into a vast series of underground tubes that take it to I-don't-even-fucking-know-where.
As your day goes on, you often access a machine that continually drains electricity- commonly created by burning our ever decreasing supply of fossil fuels many miles from you- to keep your food at a cool, sterile temperature. This used to just be achieved by putting things in a backroom without central heating to screw it all up, but our own slavery to convenience demands innovation to support itself.
You probably use other similar machines to heat up and cook your food quickly on demand, clean your clothes, wash your dishes and everything else besides. We even rely on our machines to tell us what time it is.
And you probably travel quite often in a highly complex heavy metal box on wheels that can if misused cause serious harm to others. And is more than likely only useful for travelling along specially-made surfaces (read: roads), which just so happen to be everywhere thanks to the hard work of people who like roads more than they like fields, forests and wildlife.
To any civilization pre-1900s having all or any of this would make me look like some sort of amazing wizard. Hell, there are still people in the world today who get by without any of it and maybe don't even know it all exists.
And yet, most of us who do use it all don't have a damn clue how any of it works. We just tell our robot slaves what we want, and then we have it.
And we've learned to depend on all these things, these things that nobody else ever had. This isn't some moral judgement. I'm exactly the same. It's an observation.

And here I am, telling you about it from an elaborate, complicated machine connected without a wire to an infinitely sized communications network and information database. I am putting this silly blog post into the greatest archive of information to have existed in all of human history. A network that can be accessed by anyone, from almost anywhere, to obtain any kind of information on anything they can imagine.
We have, at our fingertips and in the palms of our hands, the product of centuries of technological advancement and human achievement- we're at the endgame here, we have the means to all but instantaneously beam messages and information from anywhere to anywhere.We have in our hands the means to learn almost anything about anything. This is power, people. The most amazing power to ever exist.

And we use it... to do what? Share hundreds of pictures of your drunk self? Watch videos of cute puppies? Play videogames with irate strangers? Look at me, ranting about it.
We are a worthless bunch of ingrates who wield more power than we care to even try to understand, and have no idea where it comes from or what we can achieve with it.

I am living a life of pure decadent luxury built on the sweat and blood of centuries of hard-working men who achieved great things- right from the agricultural revolution all the way to the invention of social networking. And I do what to honour their efforts and sacrifices?
I sweep floors and upsell carbonated beverages. I'm a nobody, a background person that nobody, least of all the history books, gives a damn about.
And maybe that's all I'll ever be. That's true of many billions of now-dead people after all. But to not at least try to achieve something with all that I have been given would be an insult to the efforts of thousands of people who did so much more with so much less. And to those who never had the chance.

I am going to try. I will try to achieve something. I am going to fly, or I am going to burn trying. To quote a song from the creator of one of my favourite webcomics, at least Icarus didn't die of skin cancer.

Rant over.

Collector's Edition!

2012-06-13T05:38:00.002-07:00

Y'know... in spite of all the "Collector's Editions" of videogames, that get released alongside their regular-edition counterparts, I've never actually met a collector of them.

A quick Amazon search for "Collector's Edition" reveals quite a few.
For instance, "Anno 2070 Collector's Edition". Given that this is a new franchise that nobody has seen anything from before... what kind of collector was this aimed at?
Collectors of Anno 2070 merchandise? Uh...
Collectors of rare videogames? Given that this can still be bought for the sum of £37 on Amazon it's hardly rare or valuable as rare videogames go, and these things are produced in such bulk that they never really would be.
The same search also takes me to "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 13: Masters Collector's Edition". Um. This franchise has fans? Who'd fork out extra money for a couple of extra golf courses and maybe a fancy box? Ok I can see that golfers might have spare money for these sorts of things but aren't they the kinds of people who play real golf instead?

And to top it off I'm actually finding a pile of generic PC hidden-object shovelware crap in this search.

I mean, games like Star Wars: The Old Republic, I can understand. Star Wars is kind of a big deal and I can see people wanting to have a collection of stuff relating to it. Same with Batman. Or any established franchise.
But really, these people aren't thinking about "collectors". This is just a way to capitalise on peoples' urge to hoard trinkets and have everything in their game. Sometimes, it's a way to cut out some game content and sell it for more. Other times, it's a way to flog people an art book, a fancy box and a soundtrack CD that probably isn't all that good. Occasionally there's conscious effort but don't tell me this happens a lot, the bottom line is money.
But come on guys, does it have to be a "Collector's Edition" when you're not thinking about collectors? Can't we at least have a more honest name? Like, I dunno, "Overpriced Bullshit Edition".
Or "Premium Edition". Premium is a good, marketable word. Everything sounds better when it's PREMIUM. Seriously, stick the word "premium" before the name of any object or thing you like. It sounds a lot fancier and more alluring even though it actually only means "more expensive".
I think it fits well.

That is of course assuming these editions always have to exist. Which they don't.

EDIT: I was informed that Anno 2070 isn't actually a new franchise. Just one that basically nobody I know has ever talked about before. My point still stands though even if my example is wrong, there are new and unheard-of IPs that do this.

Unknown Dreams and How to Chase Them

2012-06-07T15:46:00.003-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking on an article posted this Monday by Magic: The Gathering head designer, Mark Rosewater.
He talked about how he wound up with his dream job without even realising it was his dream job, defined a dream job with a Venn diagram ("Stuff You Love to Do", "Stuff You're Good At", "Stuff Someone Will Pay You to Do".).
Basically, his point seemed to be, find something you like doing that someone could eventually pay you to do, and start doing it. Eventually you can get good at it.

Seeing as game design is something I've always been fascinated by, and board/card games seem a lot simpler and easier to make than videogames (why learn programming when you can just type stuff and print onto cardboard, eh?), I figure I'll give that a try.
I sent him a question via Tumblr, asking for affordable ways to print boards, custom dice and identical-backed cards. If anyone else has ideas on this though, I would appreciate.

Another pipedream I could potentially pursue is writing. I don't think I'm all too good at that (yet) but I've got ideas floating around in my head for things that would make for cool stories and settings. I'm not sure I'd enjoy an over-abundance of that for too long but it's something I don't MIND doing.
Now, there might be a way to combine the two.
I'm now trying to work out how some kind of story-driven boardgame could work. One that has a self-contained story that's somehow different each time you play it. I suppose a sort of multiplayer Choose Your Own Adventure book, but not a D&D-esque RPG that demands that kind of commitment.

Ideas are coming to me. We'll see.

Either way, I'm going to try and create interesting things and share them with people. Maybe, eventually, someone will hire me to do more of that. Or something. If that happens, I'll have an amazing job. If it doesn't, I'll have an enjoyable hobby. Either way I win, really.

Existential Tetris

2012-03-31T07:20:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to get back to posting here for a while. I've been busy.

One of the things that I've been busy with is regaining a Tetris addiction.
And I've been thinking that Tetris is a very deep and symbolic game. Likely in ways the designer(s) did not intend.
I'm going to assume that you, sitting there reading this, know how Tetris works. If not, go play Tetris until you do.

Tetris, you see, is an endless challenge. One does not "win" Tetris. You do not "finish" Tetris. You play until it finishes you. You can be winning at Tetris, you can be really damn obscenely good at Tetris, and perhaps you could keep playing for days, but even if you're just that good you can still be crushed by the statistically inevitable string of many Z-blocks that won't quite fill any line properly.
The point is not matter how good you are and how well you do eventually everything will pile up and overwhelm you and everything you did in that game will amount to nothing bar maybe a series of numbers as the "high score".
And yet the interesting thing is that despite this inevitability, you always come back for another go. Tetris is a hugely popular game, and people love to play it despite that they're doomed to lose.

Why do we do this? What do we hope to gain from playing out a story we already know the ending to?
We know where we're going, what's so great about going there?

Because it's fun. Life and Tetris have this in common, we know it's going to end but what really matters is enjoying it in the meantime. Really, it's the only thing that does matter. The only thing that even can matter.
Or to quote Derrial Book in Firefly, "how you get there is the worthier part.".

A Legend from the Internet.

2012-02-03T17:19:00.000-08:00

Gather round, children. Tonight, Uncle Carl has a story to tell you. Nay, not just a story, but a legend! Have you heard the epic tale of the one they call... LeetMan75?

It was a time of great darkness. Darkness so great it was known as.... the dark ages! Over four thousand years ago, when mankind was not predator... but prey. Prey to the fire-breathing dragons that flew above and decimated towns! Dragons that kidnapped daughters and princesses, razing villages in short evenings! Bold heroes stood up to face them, and were promptly eaten alive.
This was the way of the world for many centuries, until one day, when along came.... THE INTERNET. And so it was that after decades of hardship, Abraham Lincoln picked up sword and Wikipedia page in the name of this mighty nation, and led a crusade to wipe out the evil dragons forever...

BUT! No man can stand alone on such a crusade. Fortunately, he was backed, not only by his Twitter followers, but by THE FULL MIGHT OF HOLY FACEBOOK. At his command, the forces of the Internet reposed status message after status message, increasing dragon awareness across all the world! And by this supreme power, Lincoln brought his crusade to the very lair of the Dragon Queen herself!

As Abe Lincoln plunged his spear into her burning heart, ending the Dark Ages and setting free Humanity once and for all, a great hero beside him did raise his fists into the sky, and bellowed a mighty cry of "FIRST!", which would resonate across the Internet for all time! And that hero's name was... LeetMan75!

Never may you forget that name, children, for LeetMan75's cry of "FIRST!" was not only the first recorded "FIRST!" in history, but was in response to a major historical event. And it doesn't stop there- he went on to achieve a lifetime record of 82 verified "FIRST!"s (including a thread celebrating his 50th "FIRST!" and later an article about the invention of the lightbulb), with a top consecutive streak of 14, making him indisputably the greatest "FIRST!"er in history.

LeetMan75: History's first, and greatest, "FIRST!"er. Today marks another anniversary of his "FIRST!"ing career and so we honour him for his outstanding contributions to humanity.
We salute you, LeetMan75.

Well, now I've seen EVERYTHING.

2012-01-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

A My Little Pony episode about capitalism, the free market, and the evils of poor quality control.

Here is a link. (Note if at some point in the future the link doesn't work, you're looking for MLP Friendship is Magic, Season 2 Episode 15 "The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000".)

I don't care if you normally like the show or not. Just watch this episode, it really is amazing. I was thinking of making a post about the show as a whole and why it's actually pretty good but then this episode happened and that's what I want to talk about. And I talk about whatever I want to talk about, because this is my blog and fuck you.

If for some reason you can't watch it or don't want to, here's a summary:

- Applejack and her family are making a good living selling apple cider, but mostly due to high standards of quality, they can't even produce nearly enough supply to satisfy demand.

- Enter the brothers Flim and Flam, with both a fancy cider-making machine and a fantastic song in the same style as the classic "Monorail" song from The Simpsons.

- Granny Smith, Applejack's grandma, is sceptical. Perhaps because she's an advocate of tradition, she says there's no way a machine can match the same care that goes into the hand (or hoof)-made stuff.

- Flim and Flam show her the machine's quality control system that automatically rejects bad apples, and then proceed to make a nothing-short-of-extortionate partnership offer to the Apple family, which is quickly rejected.

- In the end they agree to a contest the next day, in which whoever produces the most cider in one hour gains exclusive cider-selling rights in Ponyville. Granny Smith lets Flim and Flam use one of her family's orchards for the apples they'll need, despite that losing the cider business will (somehow) force them to close down their farm.

- During the contest, Flim and Flam's machine is clearly outclassing the Apple family's old-fashioned methods, until Twilight Sparkle and co offer their help (which AJ accepts- not sure if that's inconsistent writing or logical character development) and start producing cider much faster.

- Flim and Flam suddenly realise they may actually lose the contest, and start tuning up their machine- it's not just taking in apples now, but whole trees! When this still isn't enough, in their bid to gain a monopoly they disable the quality control system and start letting both good and rotten apples into their cider.

- Flim and Flam win the contest. Applejack and family walk away in shame. However, once they start trying to actually sell their cider, it turns out to be disgusting. The crowd, who were previously in favour of Flim and Flam due to the promise of enough cider for everyone, are now angry because they produced something that they don't want to pay for.

- Flim and Flam can't sell their cider and leave town, leaving the Apple family free to take back their business, and now with enough of their own cider to go around.

Now. I'm not sure what I think of the writers using the show to sell their political viewpoints to six-year-olds, but it's not like this sort of thing hasn't happened before, and we could argue that FiM has always been teaching kids about morality and friendship anyway, where exactly do we draw the line between "stuff kids should always know" and "stuff that's just the writer's opinion"? Do we unanimously agree that modern corporations are bad and tradition-oriented family businesses are good?

It worries me that I'm not sure I can speak for everyone when I say that this episode's message is a good one. I'm not sure I like when kids' shows try to touch on larger real-world issues, and one day I think this practice is going to spread and someone will touch on something not everyone is ok with.

I suppose at least it does teach a viewpoint that I can agree with- corporate monopolies are evil, a free competitive market is best for everyone and the consumer should be treated with respect.

The funny thing is, this show actually only exists so that Hasbro can sell toys. Go figure.

SOPA: The Final Boss of the Internet.

2012-01-18T09:01:00.000-08:00

I don't like discussing political issues.
I usually don't give half a damn what a bunch of self-important folks in ties spend their work hours arguing over at the taxpayer's expense. Funding, legislation, taxes, environmental initiatives, I leave all these kinds of things things to people who understand these things better than me. Because I don't give half a damn.

But then I start hearing about this "SOPA" thing in the US.
If you don't know what it is, this makes a good introduction:

So. What happens if this passes? Well, I'm not a time traveller, I don't know politics, I don't understand intellectual property law... but I do know the internet.
And we need to understand the internet to understand SOPA.
To some people, "the internet" is just Facebook, an internet subscription is essentially a license to spam people with duck-faced pouty-lip bathroom-mirror pictures and as much as I despise these people, even they will feel the effects of SOPA.
To others, the internet is a research tool. Sites like Wikipedia or even Google allow you to have more or less all human knowledge at your fingertips- thanks to the internet we live in an age where information is free and anyone can just go study up on any damn subject they want, without needing to pay for tuition or have knowledgeable friends. Yep, SOPA will ruin that too. If we allow information to become regulated like this, then knowledge will become a rare commodity, ignorance will run rampant and many serious issues will eventually go un-discussed because nobody knows about them.
To more people, the internet is a career. Not just for the huge corporations who hire one or two people to market things online. Not just for people like Mark Zuckerberg who own multi-million dollar websites. Not just them, but thousands upon thousands of writers, critics, bloggers, webcomic artists, cartoonists, comedians, web game designers, musicians and many more people who add content to the internet. I'm a huge fan of many people whose careers depend on the internet- let's look at some:

Bob "MovieBob" Chipman reviews movies and talks about interesting nerd things on The Escapist. The Escapist pays him and people like him to create content to make their website interesting.. It was a comment in one of MovieBob's videos that inspired me to make a blog, and I aim to be like him. Of course because of the nature of his job, copyrighted materials make up a large majority of his subject matter. You can't review a movie without talking about it and you can't talk about anything you're passionate about without, you know, mentioning it. (Remember, even "Could Superman beat up Darth Vader?" is a discussion of copyrighted material.)
If SOPA passes, this man's whole career can and will end because of it.

On a similar note, The Escapist also introduced me to the LoadingReadyRun crew- these guys have been running an online sketch comedy show since even before YouTube and established several entertaining shows for various websites since. Not only are they some of the greatest comedians of our time- whose work would never even have existed were it not for the internet- but they also started "Desert Bus for Hope"- an amazing annual fundraiser that now raises significant six-figure sums of money for Child's Play- a charity that supports childrens' hospitals.
I should add that Child's Play itself is largely if not entirely dependant on the internet, because they were originally brought to public attention by Gabe and Tycho- the co-authors of massive webcomic Penny Arcade and have over time become the go-to "gamer's charity".
If SOPA passes, LoadingReadyRun, Desert Bus and Penny Arcade will all shut down and its creators rendered jobless.

Hank and John Green (the VlogBrothers) make videos for YouTube. It started as an experiment whereby they spent a year communicating entirely via four-minute videos and from it they've created not just a career but a massive global community of people not only sharing ideas but raising funds for charity and doing more good in the world than a lot of registered charities. These are people who raised the money to charter five planes full of medical supplies to Haiti. These are people who host regular charity drives, stand up for everyone's rights and build wells in third world countries. These are the people that melt away a lot of my normal cynicism by reminding me that there is still good in humanity.
If SOPA passes, not only will the careers of the VlogBrothers be wrecked, the principles of everything they built up and stood for over the years will be destroyed.

What I'm trying to show here is that now, in the 21st century, the internet isn't just a research tool or a communication medium or even a career maker. It's a whole way of life.
It's a culture- not even just one culture but several. The internet is like a whole other country, just not geographically.
And SOPA stands poised to destroy it- to create an age where the corporations have absolute power over what does and doesn't get to exist. Corporations, I might add, that don't like competitors. Corporations that care about little more than their profit margins, and who time and time again have taken cheap shortcuts, provided shoddy or even dangerous service and support, and had the nerve to even blame the consumer for their own shortcomings. Do we really want to give these people serious power over our everyday lives?

I owe the internet. For friends I've made, for things I've learned, for college assignments I've passed, for music I've found, for games I've played... I owe the internet.
And so do you.
Yes you, reading this.
Every single one of us who benefits from free speech on the internet in any way- whether you've made a friend online or you've discovered a band on YouTube or you've read a review of a game or even if you've played Minecraft... the internet has given you something. Now, it is our duty to defend it.

If you're in the US, write to your politicians and congressmen and whatever else. Tell them what the internet has done for you that SOPA would destroy. If you're outside the US, like myself, just do what you can to raise awareness. The more attention this gets, the more likely it is that the internet-ignorant old men in US Congress will be forced to second-guess themselves.

If we don't defend free speech here, then what we will get in the long run is far worse than the Orwellian nightmare. Because it won't even be a government dictating what you think and say. It will be a board of directors and their shareholders.

Over-analysing Monopoly.

2012-01-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

Ah, Monopoly. A staple boardgame of the stereotypical white middle-class household. We all know roughly how to play it, but how many people stop and actually think about how it works?

In a typical game of Monopoly, the average property will not pay out as much as it cost to buy, unless you collect its respective set and develop it to the point of having at least two or three houses, in which case recuperating your entire investment still relies on other players landing on it several times, but is actually possible.

Which means that from a purely business standpoint, buying any of the coloured properties on the Monopoly board is a terrible investment. Albeit still a necessary one. I'll get to that in a bit.

Actually, I made a few estimates and concluded that collecting both utilities (electric company/water works) probably offers the most favourable house-less cost/effort:profit ratio over the course of a game. Once you have both, you make ten times the current die roll from whoever lands on it, and seeing as the set costs 300 total you should recuperate that pretty quickly, assuming people roll at least 5 before landing on it (especially since both properties are on the more traversed side of the infamous "Go to Jail" spot).

We could argue that the station set is better than the utilities- it's certainly the more sought after one- but while it's lucrative, you still need to invest 600 (three stations) before you'll really start seeing returns on it.

This is not counting trading for properties with other players, which skews prices a lot. In my limited experience though this only inflates the price.

The really interesting thing about Monopoly though is that making investments that look terrible on the surface is actually an essential move. Have you ever tried playing Monopoly without ever buying anything? Me neither. Because you'll inevitably lose money. As other players scoop up these poor investments quickly you'll be left with no recurring income of your own beyond the "Passing Go" money, and while you could theoretically out-last some players as they liquidate each other, you'll slowly bleed money until eventually that last opponent will pile out hotels onto half the board and we know what happens next.

So, the only viable strategy is to buy properties that will more than likely not pay out until you collect the full set, which smart opponents will also try to stop you from doing.

Obviously then, the real strategy in the game- because where you land isn't possible to control- comes from how you choose your properties and how you bargain with other players. Do you want to only collect one or two specific sets and save your money otherwise? I don't like this strategy, because if someone else gets that last piece of your chosen set then they have a lot of leverage over your game. They can ruin you entirely. When it works though, you get to spend a lot of money on upgrading your properties and (hopefully) making your money back.

Personally, I like to buy every unowned property I land on. It's a risky strategy that leaves me with very little spare change. I like my utilities and stations, but beyond those I'll usually have pieces of quite a few sets, ready to trade and barter with other players and capitalise on the ones nobody else is bothering with. I'm still not sure if this is a good idea yet, but it does help me to be flexible and I collect a lot of small rent payments early on.

Beyond this decision, it's important to look at how much you can make back per house you buy on your sets- typically you won't start seeing substantial amounts of your initial costs back unless you can get about three houses per property, and even then you have to build up evenly so I'm not sure.

A lot of the time, the game isn't so much about gaining the most money as it is losing the least. Eventually there'll only be one player who isn't bankrupt and they'll usually wind up owning most of everything.

Which brings us right around to the name of the game, the reason it was created and the increasingly relevant message it bears.

All in all I like how Monopoly is set up and I can't help but wonder how much of this complexity- from the set bonuses to the rent prices- was deliberate design made with full knowledge of how much strategic thinking a player can actually put into it. Monopoly is a remarkably complex game considering how many people who don't consider themselves "nerds" still own it and know how to play it and to an extent the lessons it can teach are as useful in real life as in the game.

Not bad for a game that was originally published the best part of a century ago. The folks responsible for all of this were nothing short of brilliant.

Damn, now I feel like playing Monopoly. Anyone up for it?

Used Games and the Industry

2012-01-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

It seems to be a growing trend on the internet to shun and attack people who buy second hand videogames. Why is this?
Apparently, us used buyers hate game developers. We exist for the purpose of bankrupting the people who make nice things that we pay money for. Or at least, we're apathetic enough that we don't care if they go hungry just so we can save a few pennies buying games cheaper than retail price.
Where did this belief come from? At a guess, I'd say the major publishers started it. At the very least they definitely propagate it. Unhappy with the size of their already lucrative profit margins, the corporate giants decided to crack down on people who aren't giving money directly to them, by cutting content from games and releasing one-use codes with new copies to get that content online. It's like if a car manufacturer put a thumbprint scanner on their in-car stereos just so that people who didn't buy the car directly from them can't use it. And just like that comparison, the lengths these publishers go to so they can lock people out of part of their product is not only an expense to them but an inconvenience to the consumer, in an age when convenience is one of the most marketable things in the world.
So to them, people buying used games rather than new is a "problem". Or at least, a threat to their gargantuan profit margins.

Ignoring the fact that the preowned market and the major publishers, not to mention the huge rental industry, have all thrived and grown for well over a decade without destroying each other, let's assume there actually is a "problem".

Why do we buy preowned? Personally, I rely on them as a way of catching up with older games I missed (of which there are many). People who aren't me rely on trade-in credit from their old games. And some of us just can't afford the stupidly high prices that are demanded for brand new titles these days.
If we assume that these people are genuinely unwilling or unable to pay full price for games then if anything this continual resale of games is nothing if not profitable to the publisher once you realise how paid downloadable content works and add in the always important yet unmeasurable value of brand image and how it makes people more inclined to pay more money in future.
Brand image is more valuable than money, folks. Being able to get a high quality product cheap makes people more inclined to buy the next one for more.

But the burden of blame- if there is anything to blame for- is not on the player for wanting to resell his used goods or buy things cheaply- any halfway decent businessman will tell you that you should sell unwanted assets and buy things cheaper when you can, so I'm not going to defy these ideas just to fill the pockets of someone who would do the exact same thing.
Let's pretend we want to "solve" the "problem". To do that, we need to understand it.
Why does the preowned market exist? Where do used games come from? Obviously, they come from the people trading them in. Why do people trade games in? Because the money or store credit they can get for them outweighs their desire to still own the game.
In other words, if a game is being sold preowned, it's because at some point between it being bought new and ending up on the shelf in front of you, someone decided they no longer wanted to own it.
If within a week of releasing a game, a substantial percentage of the people who bought it are filled with a burning desire to be rid of it, then there is probably something wrong with the product.

Now hold tight because I'm about to propose a solution that will rock worlds and blow minds.
What if someone released a game that was so well made, that people wanted to actually own it for more than a weekend? What if people bought that game, and they liked it enough to not only play it for more than a day, but to put it up on their shelf afterwards with the intention of playing it again in the future?
Once upon a time games like this were made. You may call them holy grails or ancient relics of a golden age long past. I call them "decent games". If you were to take but a single step into my room, then as you gazed upon my shelves you would see many examples of games, not only weeks but years old, that I once bought and never traded in. Games that were never sold on to other players at the expense of a new copy. Games that were so good that I actually hold onto them by choice. Games I like owning, that I keep so as I may later re-play them. Games that mean far more to me than the trade-in credit I could get for them.
Oh, and Spyhunter 2. I keep that out of circulation as a public service. Call it first-world humanitarianism.
But I digress.
If more games were released that people would be anything better than ashamed to own, preowned sales of those games (for the first several months anyway) would drop dramatically and new sales would be forced to take their place.

Publishers shouldn't blame customers for terrible sales. Customers should blame publishers for terrible games.

This is Carl, still looking for a catchy sign-off.

Step 1 complete.

2012-01-01T08:36:00.001-08:00

Step 0: Procrastinate indefinitely (DONE)
Step 1: Create Blog (DONE)
Step 2: Procrastinate more (IN PROGRESS)
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Blog.