Carl's Tiny Brain

Lady of the Flies

2007-03-15T20:56:00.000-04:00

I know this is supposed to be a poetry blog, but I'm having far too much fun not writing poetry. There's no self-loathing and insecurity in the writing of childish cartoons.

I think maybe I'm in my fourth childhood.

Here's a silly Microsoft Paint cartoon - just for you:

Here it is on a silly T-shirt, if you're into silly stuff on silly t-shirts: Absolute Cotton Gifts, Tees, and Other Methods of Avoiding Poetry

Touched by an Uncle

2007-02-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

It seems I've been tagged by the weird Italian poet lady to write a top-ten list of porn films on television, so here you go.

Let me start by saying I don't normally like to watch porn films - I'm suckered into watching them by Skinemax. Allow me to explain.

They'll trick a sleepy not-too-bright guy who's quickly channel surfing by showing soft-core porn with a title nearly the same as a popular movie. Last night I clicked the remote for what I thought was "Lord of the Rings," and ended up instead with number one on the list:

1. Lord of the G-strings.

I bet you didn't know this, but hobbits are actually short nymphomaniacs with dirty feet, huge breasts, and absolutely no acting ability (I'm not judging hastily - I gave them an hour and a half to impress me.)

Likewise with number two:

2. Kinky Kong. (What a 2-hour let-down! …and it's even worse the second time you watch it.)

So now I'm wondering about gay porn, and if the acting is just as bad for them… so I flip over to the LOGO channel and watch a guy doing a strip tease. It's almost exactly the same as hetero porn… except the guy is putting his clothes ON the whole time. When he finished, he looked absolutely fabulous.

After two hours of watching the Home Shopping Network, (hoping in vain to find that dreamy shirt) I decided to include a bit of gay porn as number three.

3. Anything on the Home Shopping Network.

I'm back to channel surfing late-night cable, and - voila - I find the perfect bad porno:

4. Star Wars: Episode One. What an awful f*cking movie!

In the interests of friendship and science, I'm staying up way past my bedtime to research this list. All for science and Arlene Ang.

The true test of friendship is the willingness to watch porn all alone late at night. I wonder if Ms. Ang would do the same for me.

I don't want to know the answer - either way.

I'm afraid Star Wars numbed my brain (how wude!) I nodded off and slept through numbers five, six, seven, and eight - but meeee-sa did wake in time to watch my number nine-a favorite sick-o show.

9. Peewee's Playhouse.

I'm sorry, but Peewee Herman as a pervert just didn't surprise me in the slightest. I love watching reruns of the show now that I'm sure there's something wrong with him. Judging Peewee harshly for every possible sexual innuendo is so much fun it's painful.

Speaking of pain... I was surfing the web last week to research weird sexual fetishes. I found one fetish website that's devoted entirely to pictures of women in arm casts. That's it. No nudity. No lingerie. No sexy suggestive poses or smiles. Just arm casts.

Apparently, there is a whole culture of men turned on by pictures of clumsy, injured women. Hey - to each his own, but it does bring us to the end of the list:

10. Debbie Does Dialysis.

Ted Haggard is cured off the gayness!

2007-02-09T01:25:00.000-05:00

Haggard "Completely Heterosexual" Now

Disgraced mega-minister Ted Haggard, who resigned as pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs and as leader of a national evangelical group after it was revealed he had been blowing male sex worker Mike Jones for several years, has been pronounced "completely heterosexual" by Reverend Ted Ralph, one of a panel of ministers overseeing his three weeks of "intensive counseling."
- From an article in the gay city news.

I don't know what prompted his sexual healing, but I like to think this bumper sticker I painted a while back might have helped the man in some small way:

Edvard Munch, Hillary Clinton, and Microsoft Paint

2007-02-03T23:54:00.000-05:00

Going to the dogs

2007-01-26T17:16:00.000-05:00

I've been wasting a lot of time working on my tshirt shop Absolute Cotton.

I don't really need the money, but I get a kick out of designing and selling weird stuff on the internet. I suppose it's like an online version of Monopoly for the socially impaired. In the game, I'm somewhere between Baltic Avenue and the bottom of the little shiny boot.

Last night, I drank a lot of beer and decided I needed a pet section - so here you go:

Some things are only funny when a dog says them.

I get a monthly check...

I wore this same dress...

Doggie style

She killed the last one...

got leg?

Bitches love me

...you should see my sexy nightie

...And I vote!

Fishing

2007-01-22T11:26:00.000-05:00

I spent last Sunday on the Broad River with my new fly rod. A great blue heron was fishing just upstream, and was apparently much more skilled.

I spent an hour following him up the river, picking up fishing tips and snapping photos with my Rebel (70/300 lens and Kodak HD400 film - for those that care.)

Clicking either photograph will take you to my photographic tile boxes and other items with that image.

Very Superstitious

2007-01-20T18:03:00.000-05:00

I made the mistake of clearing 3 browser hijack objects from my wife's computer. Now, "everything looks different" since I started "clicking around." I'm in the doghouse.

I have four years of university schooling in computer programming, a tech degree in electronics, and 20 years of continuing education to maintain my professional licenses. I'm the GM of a firm specializing in custom automation design and coding for utility companies. On the side, I like to click around and screw up the computers of unsuspecting housewives.

The problem (as I see it) is a superstitious mindset. I encounter it often.

Customers will often call to complain about something not working properly and will claim it's my fault, even if it's completely unrelated to any issue I've corrected. It usually begins somewhere along the lines of "the lightbulb in my desklamp was working fine until you installed the mux board in the computer room" and ends with me saying something damaging to my career.

People like to ascribe causes to events - any cause. It makes no difference at all to them if they don't understand the cause they're claiming - in fact, blind faith strengthens their resolve.

Imagine calling a microwave repairman and telling him that the microwave was working fine until your husband stood on one foot. He might listen and nod, but he'll not care. He'll poke around, find a bad magnetron tube or a blown xfmr winding, and fix it. If he's feeling generous, he might give you a cause you can understand: "It was an act of God," he'll say.

Anyway, I fixed the "looking different" problem with my "clicking around" while she was in the shower. It was completely unrelated.

I foresee a day when science will downplay causality. They'll claim that it's an illusion which occurs in macro systems, and you shouldn't worry too much about it. Perhaps one day we'll believe it and move on.

That'll probably happen about 2 days after the rapture.

Poetry is a Lonely Thing

2007-01-04T19:46:00.000-05:00

After a very long stretch of writing fiction, I've returned to the writing of poetry.

Allow me to correct myself: I've returned to insecurity and self-loathing.

I was going to post something poetically sappy, but I've decided instead to list my top ten euphemisms for writing poetry that work equally well as euphemisms for masturbation.

10. Capturing the essence of Longfellow.

  9. Trying for a magazine spot.

  8. Shooting myself in the foot.

  7. Polishing until it no longer shines.

  6. Grinding the pencil to a nub.

  5. Trying a well-worn device.

  4. Spewing my emotions onto paper.

  3. Coming to grips with a little issue.

  2. Dragging my post to online criticism.

  1. Stroking myself until I have an orgasm.

Democracy

2007-01-03T00:59:00.000-05:00

It looks like Massachusetts may be on the road to banning same-sex marriage. A lobby led by a religious few has prompted lawmakers to advance a constitutional amendment defining marriage as the union between a man and woman - otherwise known as "no-sex" marriage.

That's democracy in action. Scare people with hints of a vengeful god, allow them to vote their fear, and it becomes valid and righteous for the majority to strip whatever rights they choose from whatever minority they choose.

Equal Rights is an issue for the courts, not the polls.

Wake up, people. One day, you'll be the minority.

I May as Well Go Blogger Myself

2007-01-02T13:46:00.000-05:00

Anyone want to take bets on how long it'll be before "blogger" becomes a derogatory term?

He's such a total blogger. This office is all bloggered up. Stop bloggering around.

If the comments aren't still bloggered, you may place your bets.

A New Day is Dawning

2007-01-01T11:48:00.000-05:00

The Interior Department proposed Wednesday to designate polar bears as a threatened species.

Apparently, when we heat the planet enough to melt all of the ice in the arctic, it not only makes life hell for republicans... it makes life hard for the polar bears, too.

Quote:
"...in a conference call with reporters, Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne said that although his decision to seek protection for polar bears acknowledged the melting of the Arctic ice, his department was not taking a position on why the ice was melting or what to do about it."
____________________________

The FDA says meat from cloned animals is safe for human consumption.

A recent study found that 64% of Americans expressed a discordant viewpoint of whole-organism mammalian reproductive clone consumption, of which 46% were strongly discordant. Another study found that when the wording was changed, 80% were "agin it," with 65% "rilly agin it."

The FDA defended its findings by claiming that (by law) they could only consider the real scientific evidence. Consumer groups have expressed outrage at such an insanely sensible law.
____________________________

Saddam Hussein was recently executed.

Tiny Brain sources report President Bush planned to call beforehand and apologize for the whole "mass destruction" misunderstanding, but was distracted by a bit of shiny tinfoil stuck to the end of a sweaty polar bear.
____________________________

Have a wonderful New Year!

2007 New Year Resolutions

2006-12-31T00:25:00.000-05:00

This year, I promise I will -

- stop asking the Chuck E Cheese waitress if she knows the current threat level.

- buy a dictionary and finally look up the meaning of the word "resolution."

- drink a glass of tang without saying "that was tangy" and giggling.

- confess to my children that they were not adopted, after all.

- stop asking my wife if she thinks Jesus knew how to swim.

- spend less time outside, more time online, and gain 30 pounds.

- feed the replacement cat.

- stop leaving things unfinished.

-

- find the man who shot my pa, and force him to draw.

- stop carrying rolls of pennies to the nudie bar.

In case there's someone I haven't yet offended...

2006-12-29T18:09:00.000-05:00

While I'm in a religious mood, here's a quick photoshop Editorial Cartoon:

Last Sunday, our pastor told his first of two jokes (there are exactly two in each of his sermons.) It was that old dirty joke about the woman who tries to teach her parakeet not to curse. He realized midway that he couldn't tell that joke from the pulpit, so he changed it. He rambled for about five minutes, then told us the parakeet (whose name was "Chippy") was accidentally sucked into a vacuum cleaner. He concluded by saying it was a very sad thing, indeed.

Several ladies from the handbell choir were sitting in front of me and muttering amongst themselves as to the story's meaning. It had absolutely nothing to do with the scripture (micah 5) so I explained it to them. The moral is: "it sucks to be Chippy."

I guess I spoke a little loudly, because the pastor gave me one of his "I hate Carl" looks. I earned my last "I hate Carl" look for using "abracadabra" instead of "amen" whilst saying grace in the fellowship hall.

It rattled him so badly, he forgot himself and told an off-color jew joke. On Christmas Eve. In Church. In front of six hundred people. Apparently, Jews are cheap, money-hungry, godless people.

It must be because they aren't members of the most exclusive methodist church in town.

Does anyone else find it peculiar that - somehow - what God hates always coincides with what you hate?

Great Debates

2006-12-20T12:46:00.000-05:00

At significant risk to her immortal soul, my protestant wife has finally acknowledged the existence of evolution.

Not the big and scary "Moses was making stuff up" evolution, but the harmless little "bacteria evolve immunity so you’d better take your antibiotics properly or you’re gonna meet Jesus" evolution.

My wife and I often discuss our differing core beliefs. They usually take the form of a Socratic debate. Somehow, I always end up playing the role of Socratic fool. Must be a guy thing.

Anyway, I finally won last week with the "bacteria" point. I had to share my triumph.

Other points frequently argued but never won:

1. If it’s been over a month, who washed the dishes last doesn’t matter.
2. Whoever is foolish enough to feed the dog has to clean up its poop.
3. If laundry tags were meant to be read, they’d be on the outside of clothes.
4. Thieves are not actively trying to steal my identity. Nobody wants to be me.
5. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not "company."

Update

2006-12-13T10:42:00.000-05:00

I've been working tirelessly on 100,000 pretentious words of literary fiction.
Don't worry - I'll never complete it.

In the meantime, here's your sign:

Yesterday in traffic I was behind a woman who was talking to a cellular phone.
In the far left lane.
Going 10 mph below the speed limit.

She had one of those ubiquitous "Jesus" fishes glued to her trunk.

I think it's there because that's what one says when one is behind this woman.

Jesus.

Why I can't blog

2006-09-25T17:21:00.000-04:00

My wife spends all evening (every evening) posting to prayer blogs around the net. Therefore, I've been avoiding the internet... to show my superiority.

I hope she doesn't read this.

In other news, the pope insulted atheists today. We've decided to protest by staging a massive demonstration of indifference.

In Today's News

2006-09-08T11:39:00.000-04:00

Google News is fun.

A new drug has been found to help with premature ejaculation.

From the article:

"According to the US researchers, at the beginning of the study, the men, on average, ejaculated under a minute after penetration. After 12 weeks, the time to ejaculation was 1.75 minutes for those on placebo and 2.78 minutes for those on 30mg of the drug.

However those who had been taking 60mg of the drug saw their time to ejaculation increase to 3.32 minutes."

If you are a woman, what is better: 1 minute of sex, or 3.32 minutes of sex?

I can only speak for the "man imagining himself on the receiving end" perspective, but I'd take the "less than a minute" option.

The prospect of a new marathon sex drug has PE sufferers excited. So excited,in fact... well - you know.
_________________________________

Congress votes to ban the slaughter of horses for human consumption.

From the article:

"The House overwhelmingly approved a bill Thursday banning the transport and slaughter of horses for human consumption...

...It's legal to eat horse meat, but Americans are generally repulsed by the idea of consuming what many view as a companion animal."

So it would be legal to eat a horse, but illegal to kill it first?
Our country is run by monsters.
_________________________________

The man who held Austrian schoolgirl Natascha Kampusch captive for eight years has been buried secretly and under a false name, officials said.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess:
He's buried in his mother's basement.
_________________________________

There May Be More To a Vegetative State Than Science Thought

From the article:

A new study promises, or threatens, to overturn medical dogma about what is happening in the minds and brains of at least some patients in such a state...

...Patients in a vegetative state open their eyes and seem to be awake, yet show no sign of being aware of themselves or their surroundings.

Apparently, scientists have never visited Arkansas.
_________________________________

Why they call it Labor Day

2006-09-06T18:49:00.000-04:00

The long, long, long weekend with the in-laws in Little Rock has ended.

They are all very nice, but absolutely no one there can be happy with a television channel for more than five seconds.

I watched a few seconds of everything on TV, then I went to the zoo.

My brother-in-law arranged a backstage visit with the keeper of the “large hoofed mammals.” I don’t know how he came to know her, but Arkansas is full of large hoofed mammals… particularly in the local Walmart. She must be a very busy woman.

The visit was interesting, but ultimately gross - like when my wife announces that she’s made chicken casserole for dinner… and I find out she’s replaced the chicken with bologna.

I suppose the kids had fun. A baby giraffe came up to take an apple from my niece’s hand, and we discovered that what we called “giraffe-spots” were actually called “sores.” There was a nice zoo anecdote about “troubles with the unloading chute.”

The kids were allowed to pet the rhinos, then they learned rhino stench is extremely difficult to wash from your hands.

Knowledge is power.

disneyland in outer space

2006-08-30T19:13:00.000-04:00

My ex-wife and I were discussing religion the other night, so naturally the subject of Pluto came up. She favors creationism over evolution because science lacks constancy. It’s hard for her to trust something so flighty.

I usually disagree with the ex as a matter of principle, but – doggone it – she has a point. Just when you think you have something memorized, they go and snatch the solar system right out from under you.

My solar system mnemonic is shot to hell. Like many folks my age, my planetary arrangement depended upon the phrase “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas.” Astronomy just stole my pizza.

It’s the end of the solar system as we know it … and there’s no thirty-minute guarantee.

What will kids memorize now – “My Very Evil Mother Just Served Us Nothing?” Way to go, astronomy – take my pie… and blame it on mother.

At least I didn’t waste time studying the new science of exobiology when they touted that (now discredited) Martian meteorite with the pseudo-fossils.

What’s next – reclassifying Uranus as a black hole?

While we’re at it, let’s reclassify Earth as “An expendable roundish body ruled by republicans.” They’ll probably blow it up soon anyway, and there’ll be less paperwork afterwards.

I wish I could believe in a religion.

I’m Still Alive

2006-08-30T13:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I’m back (sort of.)

I got very busy at work, helping our machinist design and build a ridiculous quantity of wild pig traps for the Department of Natural Resources. Then I had an accident with a blowtorch, lost vision for a little while, and am recovering from severe burns to my hands. There’s poetry in there somewhere, but I refuse to acknowledge it.

The DNR orders quirky stuff from us around this time every year. Last year, it was custom rockets. Big, ugly, solid-fueled rockets made of iron. To catch Canadian geese. I didn't launch myself into orbit.

On a comforting note, our traps are catching up to 20 wild pigs per night, each. Sleep safe.

Poetry Thursday

2006-07-20T22:51:00.000-04:00

The Stem Cell Veto Song

George-Bush loves the little chill-dren,
All the children in the fridge.
Embryonic and snow-white
With a petri dish frostbite,
They're precious people
- 'til it's time to clean the fridge.

It's so hot...

2006-07-19T22:09:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is forecast to be another 100+ day. The heat has made life in Georgia miserable. Therefore, I've decided to make everyone else equally miserable - by writing a few horrible "it's so hot.." jokes.

Feel free to forward this in an email to everyone you dislike.

Religions

It's so hot, the Baptists aren't burning any books.

It's so hot, Satan went home until it cools off.

It's so hot, the Jehovah's Witnesses are thinking of putting in a window.

Plants and Animals

It's so hot, the squirrels are leaving their nuts uncovered.

It's so hot, I saw a cornfield explode.

It's so hot, my dog is afraid to lick his own butt.

People

It's so hot, a woman spilled McDonald's coffee in her lap - and didn't sue.

It's so hot, every gay person who came out has gone back in.

It's so hot, President Bush is starting to make sense.
(Sorry, Texas - I didn't understand.)

Just Plain Stupid

It's so hot, even my wife is losing weight.

How hot is it where you live?

I'm Back

2006-07-18T21:49:00.000-04:00

According to my MD - I have a sinus infection, strep throat, a nasty cough, an ear inflammation, and what remains of my tonsils have become "pretty red." "Red" I can deal with, but it's creepy when a Georgia doctor says you have any sort of pretty mouth.

Here's what happened in the world while I was out sick:

The Georgia Supreme Court overturned a ruling by a lower court that removed the ban on same-sex marriage. This is bad news for all Georgia homosexuals who married immediately after the lower-court ruling - as they are all now "living in sin."

Man... I can't wait for the rapture to thin the diseased minds from the herd. I'm ready for some peace and mutual respect.

Korea launched a missile everyone said was capable of reaching US soil, but it flew for about 40 seconds and blew up. If they want to nuke us, it looks like our embassy in Korea is the most likely target. Scary - if you're Korean.

Israel attacked Lebanon for harboring Hezbollah. Everyone knows Iran is the real sponsor of Hezbollah, but Iran probably has nukes and Israel isn't stupid. Crazy - yes. Stupid - no. The lesson for President Bush is: "Never attack a terrorist state for having WMD's if those WMD's actually exist." Amen to that.

Speaking of Bush... The President - at a Meeting of 8 summit in Russia - forgot his microphone was on and rambled unsupervised until Tony Blair turned off the microphone. Here's what Bush said about the situation in Lebanon: “See the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it’s over.”

^ Change "Syria" to "Halliburton" and "Hezbollah" to "George Bush."
The irony is so thick... it could sit on the Georgia Supreme Court.

In local news: I made a TV commercial for one of our sister companies, where I pretended to be one of their customers. Then I took my shirt off for the next segment and pretended to be one of their employees. It has aired about a million times in Georgia. Nobody pays any attention to the first part.

I’ve probably made the newspapers at least 6 dozen times – with groundbreaking ceremonies, music reviews of my old concerts, etc – and I’m famous as “that guy who wears a white t-shirt and works in the back.”

I've decided to milk it.

Tomorrow: I wear a white t-shirt and get stuck in a well with a gay guy.

George Bush, Britney Spears, and more Google hits

2006-07-07T00:20:00.000-04:00

However... I refuse to mention breasts, World Cup Soccer, or Cartoon Network. I have my pride.

Poetry Thursday

2006-07-06T12:28:00.000-04:00

Have a Poetry McNugget.

Drought

Brown and bent in the dust beyond,
crops pray to clouds too proud to break.
Below them both, starched Georgia clay
piously scorns what the Lord doesn't take.