Carlsbad Counseling Center

What to do IF there are real signs of Bullying going on.

2012-01-15T06:58:00.000-08:00

It has been almost a year since I first posted about how we need to address emotions with our children in regards to bullies.... I had received a lot of feedback and statistics related to why the suicide rate is so high among the victims of excessive bullying... and I understand this...
since then many famous people have jumped on the No Bullys theme, which is good...
For those that may have a child that is struggling with this as the receiver of the bullying and harassment. Please take note of what I would suggest you do to monitor your child.
1. Be inquisitive. Your child will not share what is going on.. (too painful to talk about)
2. Open ended questions.. not ones that can have a yes or no answer...
3. Check Facebook and other social media sites.. to keep a pulse on what is happening.
4. If concerned, get help.. and ask your child who they can talk with if not you (the parent).

There is a line between being concerned and overstepping sensitive adolescent boundaries.. Do not use concerns to justify invasive actions.. but if the signs of excessive bullying exists then do not ignore.

Bullying will never go away.. mean girls, low man on the totem pole, and many other terms have been used for years.. but what I am discussing in this post is the excessive harassment that invades all areas of a child's life.

Exercise as a part of reduced stress and better mental health

2011-08-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

Here is an excerpt from an article written by fitness trainer Lana Surmanik that I wanted to share:

Exercise has been long known to create the feeling of well being when the natural release of endorphins occurs (endorphins are released by the brain). Besides feeling an increase in energy and sleeping better as a result of exercise, it also leads to feelings of happiness (a euphoria of a sort).
For those suffering anxiety, exercise can help lower blood pressure which is often elevated during periods of anxiety.
Those suffering from depression, anxiety and stress have often feelings of low self-worth and low-self esteem. Exercise and fitness can help this perception for not only are you improving blood flow to the brain, heart and organs, your body image will become improved. Those who suffer from depression and anxiety as well are known to neglect this fact. Exercise is a natural, strong, confidence-building device that no prescribed medication can afford you.

Though exercise will not cure anxiety and depression, doing something natural which can be thoroughly enjoyable (especially if done with a friend or two) is definitely a plus for anyone, under any circumstance.

Once checked and approved by your health provider, you can begin your exercising to better mental health, doing exercises such as:
Taking a walk in the park or a beach
Dancing (not only great exercise but fun to do!)
Riding a bike

And of course we all know my favorite, aqua exercise... whether it is jogging in the pool , swimming laps or just playing around...working out in the water holds no excuses for why you can't.. it's great for all makes and models of bodies.. :)

My Point in sharing this article is that getting away from a situation, blowing off steam and getting the body going helps in so many ways.....
Although it won't cure the situation or mind set, it does allow you to be on top of it vs. it on top of you... a positive way to take healthy control in your life!

Bullies and thick skin (Revised)

2011-05-18T05:27:00.000-07:00

     I have spoken about this a few times in counseling sessions but have been hesitant to put my thoughts down on paper.... until now. This needs to be addressed from a parents perspective. While also changing the way we handle the bullies in our children's and our own lives.
Every few months we hear about individuals of all age groups and genders that have chosen suicide as a way to escape the bullying in their lives. THIS is not about blaming the victim.. and I understand the deep loss these families bear...
     This is about how we deal with the fall-out. We want to stop the bullying so this doesn't happen.. I am not pro-bully.. practically speaking bullying has always been around in one form or another.. In this technically connected world.. the reprieve is not there as it has been in the past... this does make it harder to cope.. reasons for this will be discussed in another post.
     We cannot turn back the clocks of technology.. we need to send the message to our children. that they can handle mean things and actions of others.. they may never stop the bully but they can learn to handle it..
     Parents have become so overly involved in their children's lives that many have crossed from caring and nurturing to rescuing and over involved. This sends the messages that:

you can not handle life and any attack on your feelings is to much for you to deal with
the painful events of normal life need to be avoided..
emotions are what you base your decisions on

The messages that needs to be sent are:

as you grow up.. you can handle what life throws at you including mean people
we need to support our children on the road of hard knocks. not rescue them because it is hard for us watch and to deal with.. that isn't parenting.
teach our children to over ride impulsive behavior.. most often triggered by emotion. Be aware of how you feel but think through the situation and problem solve..

We must help our children problem solve and learn to cope with the real world..
As parents we can be supportive and encouraging and have their backs.. they can know they are not in this alone.. but we are beside them not in front of them to clear their paths..

Years ago.. parents were uninvolved, then the pendulum swung to over involvement.. now it is time to rest in the middle.

(writers note: The intensity, cruelty and ways to cope with this new level of Bullying will be covered in another blog)

The Family Happy Hour.... a closer look before summer.

2011-04-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

This is not meant to offend.. but hopefully to increase awareness.. all across the country.. a modern version of an old theme is causing chaos and pain...

In the "good ol days" there was happy hour or a cocktail before dinner....
Now... it has morphed into the neighborhood happy hour and is now called.. "letting the children play together" or a neighborhood gathering.
All or most of the moms and dads fill up their cups or glasses with wine or other liqueurs, then announce to the children.. lets go out and play...
this usually takes place in a cul-de-sac, front yard of a house with a well stocked garage fridge, or the neighborhood park...
Parents, the children know that you are really there to drink, you are embarrassing them and setting very poor examples...
I am not saying that going out to have a drink is bad.... but do not veil it in a play date or going out for the children...
Play dates, children's activities and alcohol should never mix.
The results, will keep Carlsbad Counseling Center in business for years.. in crisis mode.. not growth related therapy...
The fall out is devastating short term and the long term habits you are teaching will cause devastation in the future... next post... a closer look....and a realistic perspective.
and yes, if you noticed.. this is a big pet peeve of mine.

Ten things you should never say!....

2011-02-22T07:20:00.000-08:00

You hear me talk about these ideas all the time.. but he has put it in everyday.. relationship/comedy lingo...

Ten Things You Should Never, Ever Say

By Jeff Waddle
“Guys say the stupidest things.” That’s a near universal female observation. And let’s face it: there’s more than a grain of truth in it. We guys do say some pretty idiotic stuff. Thing is, we rarely mean to. In fact, we often don’t even know that we did! What to do? Channel your fifth grade teacher and remember to think before you speak. Behind otherwise benign statements lurk some rather, well, stupid stuff. Here are ten statements that are likely to get you into trouble, and how to avoid them.

“You’re over-reacting.”While this may be true from an objective standpoint, she will never agree, at least not on the spot. No matter what she may be throwing at you, be that insults or ceramic knick-knacks, she believes she’s acting appropriately. So duck if you have to and then say something like this: “I don’t blame you for being upset, but I’d rather focus our energy on fixing the problem.”

“You’re not being logical.”Once again, you may be right, but that’s beside the point. (Note that we said “may.”) When in the midst of a debate, one plus one can equal three. Put logic aside, and listen for the core matter as she sees it. Hopefully she’ll return the favor when you suggest, for instance, that because it’s the third Sunday of the month, it would be a crime against humanity if you didn’t go fishing.

“Who put that idea in your head, your mother?” On a calm day, your wife or main squeeze may concur that her mother is a bit “out there.” However, when you suggest that some beef or ideas of hers isn’t genuine and, instead, has been “planted” by her mother (or sister, or girlfriend), it suggests that she can’t think for herself. Treat her thoughts and ideas as her own, regardless of their origin.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”Well, maybe you need to read more, because whenever you feel you’ve heard the worst of ideas, just sample a few pages of the Darwin Awards. Don’t dismiss ideas outright. Instead, express what about the idea you don’t like. Even better, start by saying what you do like about the idea. Remember, someone once called the internal combustion engine a waste of gray matter.

“The other guys’ wives are cool with it.”Even if true, such statements really shouldn’t matter. Think about it this way: If your kid wanted to do something that you didn’t want him to, would the fact that another parent told his kid it was OK change your mind? We didn’t think so. What other wives or girlfriends are doing or saying should be of no concern. Make decisions for yourselves and leave others out of it. Or risk your wife telling you all about the “super-duper romantic” dinner some other husband put together for some other wife.

“After everything that I’ve done for you?!”This is playing the guilt card, which may work now and then, but at a steep cost. It suggests that, at the end of the day, your relationship is one based on points reflecting who’s done what for whom. And you might want to reflect long and hard before you suggest that such a score be tallied.

“You’ll feel differently tomorrow.”Maybe. Maybe not. Often, a good night’s rest provides a different perspective on life, right? And though this insight may be wise, none of us like to hear it. That’s because it suggests that something we’re upset, angry or passionate about now is just a passing fancy.

“You always (fill in the blank).” “You never (fill in the blank).”Definitive statements like these only poke the bear. In most of these cases ¾ “You never give me credit for what I do!” ¾ they’re not literally true and only come off as grandiose statements that hide the real concern or message. Talk, instead, in terms of “sometimes” and “only occasionally.” You’re more apt to be heard, even if you feel that never happens.

“You didn’t used to be this way.”Inherent in this statement is the implication that in whatever manner you suggest she “used to be,” that that was far better than the way she is now. Ouch!

“You’re missing the point.”When your wife hears this, it gets translated into “You’re not smart enough to understand what I obviously said so clearly and so brilliantly, so let me dumb it down for you.” If you really think she missed your point, then make your point again in a different way.

2010-12-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

I wanted to wish each and every one of you and your families the best this holiday season. May you continue to grow and challenge yourselves to overcome and take charge of your lives and the direction that you want to go...this coming year and way into the future.

The holidays are very bittersweet for most people.. we want the holiday of our youth.. yet many times when we reflect honestly.. it wasn't so sweet..

Focus on the way you want your life and work toward that.. not running from or recreating your past.. but being a part of what you want today....

I know it isn't always easy.. but to be able not to be bound by the past and enjoy the present is my wish for you...

Two last reminders.. children are crazy and full of extra energy over the holidays.. lower the standards and dole out lots of grace... we will all be back into our routines soon enough..

If you feel the need (compelled) to have New Year resolutions.. make them positive instead of what you will give up or change.. look at ways to be kinder to yourself.. and be realistic...

(for those of you that are already feeling overwhelmed.. I will have limited hours on Monday Dec. 27 and Friday Dec. 31).

Finally, I want to thank you for allowing me to work with your and your families over the last year....

May your experience this holiday and the New Year with Love,Peace and Grace.

Kendall

Before you are married.. but... it is never to late...

2010-10-02T05:49:00.000-07:00

Most couples know that when they come in for Pre-Marital counseling they will be covering:
1. Finances
2. Differences in Family backgrounds
3. Each persons expectation
4. Goal for the marriage
5. Maybe touch on sexuality or the role of sexual intimacy in the marriage. (if you do pre-marital with me.. you will be covering this)

When married couples come in. Understandably they are focused on the issue at hand. What most often happens is that when you take the pulse of the relationship in general.. the above top 5 are also causing some problems. Once we have clarified the presenting problem and also have done a physical of the overall relationship.. there are usually one or two areas that need to be addressed.

The area that I want to touch briefly on today is #5. The sexual intimacy and the perspectives, thoughts, preconceived ideas and values that each person places on various activities. (This will not be graphic ).
Because this is one of the most uncomfortable areas for couples to talk about.. it actually can be easier with a therapist that is able to structure the time and provide a safe frame work.
*A sexual history (not just activities but family views are important.)
*Each persons level of desire and how often or how comfortable are they with sharing their
desires.
*What are the expectations of the sexual relationship with-in the marriage and where do you
stand on the issues of pornography, masturbation , toys and role playing. Yes these are not easyto talk about.. but they must be openly discussed and clarified.

Because they are not easy for couples to talk about even in the best of circumstances, when these issues become a problem in the marriage they do not get resolved quickly and they tend to spill over into other areas.
Finally, creating a safe environment for both people to share there desires and perspectives is essential. The other person may not agree.. but it is important to know and understand your partner.

This does not mean that the couple will decide that all types of behavior, activities and extras are acceptable. But it does allow each person to be more open to creating a more healthy and fulfilling relationship sexually and in the relationship at a whole.

Back to School Parenting Basics

2010-08-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

This has been an odd summer for so many.. between the continuing slowing of the economy and the shorter summer for most schools...
A few things to remember....
First financially with back to school wear...
Have your students go through their own closet and decide what they will and won't wear...
then go over the "to-go pile" with them.. if no issues... then take to a second hand shop and let them sell them.
also.. give your student a reasonable budget and have them list the approximate cost of each item they want before you go shopping.
Having children and young adults learn a budget is a part of good parenting....
There are so many requirements of our time that it isn't always possible for students to also work.. but that doesn't mean they can't begin to understand good stewardship of the resources that we give to them.
Second with time..
try not to schedule any extras the last week before school starts and the first two weeks of school. Students will be getting re-oriented with earlier hours to wake up and more academic responsibilities to contend with...and more important for them their own social responsibilities.
Finally..
No lectures... state your expectations and follow through... be willing to deal with your own pain of watching your children deal with reality..(the logical and natural consequences) of their own actions. Sit down before hand and decide on Curfews, social guidelines and chores. Be clear about the perks of getting these done.... vs. what will happen if they don't....
Every parent out there... repeat after me....."I am sorry to hear that"... "what do you plan to do"..."I am sure you will figure it out"....
remember.. you can be empathetic and caring and not rescue... this is how we help our children become adults able to deal with the real world on the real world's terms.

Summer Crazies :5 Rules to Survival

2010-06-24T06:04:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Summer... now what....
I am starting to get moms and dads coming in and counting the days until School Starts! And it is only June. I could get into why such a long break or why the break seems so much longer then in the past... but this is a practical blog.

First: People should not be entertained at all times. Everyone has a backyard, pool, park or beach. Take your children and each take a friend when possible (this way you are not the focus of their activities)
Challenge: Do not take the Game boys, X-Box or other items...they inhibit a childs ability to learn to self direct.

Rule 1. Let them figure out what to do and how to do it...Play is a child's work.

Rule2. Let them be bored.. without boredom there can be no self initiation of activities.

Rule 3. IGNORE, IGNORE and IGNORE.. the I'm bored, there is nothing to do and other sayings.

Rule 4. We, out of our own discomfort, rescue our children from themselves. This is a dis-service to their ability to grow into responsible and capable adults.

Let them learn through trial and error how to navigate friends, playgrounds, cul de sacs and community pools.

Rule 5. Have a paper day timer and use it.. structure your time with your needs and your to do list on there also... you are setting an example by focusing on what needs to get done and to balance your time. It also helps the crazies when you know what the end point is to any activity...

There are lots of why you can't do this in today's world.. there are also lots of ways to make this happen and take a big step into giving our children and teens a life outside of fear and micro-management. This doesn't make you a bad parent.. just one that sees the big picture!

Happy Summer!

Social Media and you...

2010-04-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

Please, Please Please.... know that anything you post, any picture you take or update you make to any social media... facebook, myspace, twitter, your phones, iPhone ANYTHING... will be seen somehow someway by someone..

That someone knows your husband, wife, ex-husband, ex-wife, son, daughter or someone you barely know...

Over the last few months, children how found out about relationships via status changes on facebook, videos and pics on phones and texts....

I am not saying do what-ever but be careful... No.! just don't do something that you don't want those you care about or are employed by or employed by you to know....

What started out as a medium for people to do things that others won't know about has now become the way that everyone knows about you (and you them).

Our Heart vs. our Thoughts and Feelings

2010-04-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

We all have emotions, thoughts and our heart. I am separating our heart as a part of us that knows how and what we should do, say or act… no matter what the circumstance…
Our emotions bypass our good judgment, we behave to make others feel what we are feeling or to try to get rid of what we are feeling… this can be anxiousness, hurt, pain, sorrow and just about every emotion we can imagine.
Our thoughts allow us to justify our actions, sometimes they are rational and clear but many times they are wrapped up in our emotions and own motivations. Conscious and un conscious…

It is our heart that needs to be in control… what is really the right thing to do in this circumstance. If it wasn’t me going through this.. How would I expect someone to act. It is our heart that calls us to take the higher moral ground.
With Clients I have you hold out two hands, one is impulsive (feelings and irrational or justifiable thoughts) and the other is practical and calming….
The hard part is stopping long enough to think through and take control and do what is the right thing… No matter what the other person is doing.
In session, I ask and will ask here… what is it that is making you choose not to behave the right way, why do you think you can’t stop yourself… what do you need to own…
None of this makes our lives perfect, but it does challenge us and grow us to be the person that we have the potential to be…

Practical Christianity and just plain good manners

2010-03-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to go over something that I focus on in my practice quite often. Family etiquette, I wrote a small children's book for a french class a few years ago, using these concepts. The children's book will be available in a few months from my website (in English). The adult version is a bit more complicated.. but the basics are the same.
Use your manners at all times with all people. Do not treat family less then or different in public then you would in private.
Many confuse the sharing emotions with needing to yell or be mean, using guilt or other ways of getting others to follow our agenda.
We discipline our children if they yell at us, but we teach by our actions direct and indirect.
During this stressful financial time of season and year.. we find reasons to negate our poor behavior...
We don't give others a pass, God doesn't give us a pass but we want a pass...
So to make it practical.. use your manners. :) ...please

Love, Money and Romance

2010-02-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

There doesn't have to be love and money issues in a relationship. It's all about using your imagination, getting creative. The ultimate key is keeping the love alive. Keeping the relationship rolling doesn't have to require boat loads of cash.
Romance isn't about love and money issues, it's about how you make the other person feel. Fantasies and dreams don't have to require a credit card. It's about a relationship between two lovers. You need to keep the mystery alive and focus on making your partner feel loved. The feelings need to come from the heart and soul. By doing this you are creating an adventure that hasn't developed from your wallet.
In romance you want to experience intimacy without the drama of love and money issues. That means it's important to make the little things count. Make a lunch, help clean the room, do dishes together, holding hands and writing love notes means more than the fur coat that you really can't afford. You need to create excitement, be spontaneous and believe in your love. Doing things that each other likes will help you connect on a much higher level.
Love and money issues have nothing to do with taking a risk like romance does. Romance keeps your imagination creative and always exploring the imagination. At times different expressions will come into play. You might be silly or one day you may just be sweet. It's all about the right attitude and not love and money issues. If you are true about your relationship then your mind does the spending with attitude and imagination.
So exactly what should you do to develop the right attitude with love and money issues? It doesn't need to be anything huge. Just small signs of your love will show how much you care and how you do have a romantic side. Below are a few suggestions for low budget sparks to help your imagination with the romance.
-Love and money issues have nothing to do with kissing. A kiss today is the same as a kiss in the 16th century. Kiss often, shake and repeat.
-When you look at one another the stare between the both of you seems to make all disappear. The looks that you send can spell out several unspoken messages that love and money issues could never accomplish.
-The little scent that you wear that your loved one loves so much can be misted onto a light bulb in the bedroom. When the light is turned on the smell will radiate the room.
-Never forget how much your lover means to you. It's so very important to always tell them. Verbally is great but in other ways as well. You can leave little notes around and anything else you can think of.
-Don't be scared to live a little. Push the comfort zone to the back burner and bring out the impulsive. Getting a little risky can ignite romance like you never imagined. These kinds of feelings are never achieved through love and money issues.
Love can be very trying. But honestly what really does come easy in life in today's society? The cool thing about a lasting love is the feeling is very rewarding and satisfying. The practice and planning can lead to places you thought were out of your reach. The important part is to not focus on the disheartening love and money issues. (taken from an article by Debbie Mans)

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

Finances and Marriage

2009-12-16T05:25:00.000-08:00

Many people have written about the role that finances play in a marriage, it is also interesting to see how couples that have been married a long time have decided to deal with the co-mingling of funds.
One of the trends that I am seeing is that couples are keeping separate accounts for their own spending. This seems to always be done in an attempt to either avoid or work around an unsolved issue related to budget and spending. Couples understand the concept of leave and cleave, when it comes to pulling away from parents, but the cleave part seems to go away or is not continued with respect to the couples financial assets.
I have two rules when doing pre-marital counseling and when couples come in after having been married for an extended period of time.
1. You must work out a budget, combine income and share an account. When one person cannot trust the other not to spend or be open about purchases, it is a budget issue but it is also a deeper issue of trust within the relationship.
2. Having one financial plan, budget and account: helps couples realize that they are in it together. There are exceptions to this, second marriages where a legal professional needs to help with what planning needs to occur due to prior assets, business’ owners that have other partners. When-ever they are these and other exceptions, get legal and financial advice and make sure both partners know exactly what will happen in the future. The second part of a financial plan is what to do with discretionary funds and long term goals. I have seen couples that are right on the same page to so those that have very different long term priorities.
When couples come in and I ask about their wedding budgets, many have one or both partners rolling their eyes, not agreeing or deciding that they will say something once they are married. I see the wedding budget as a great training ground for the marriage to come. With couples that have been married a while, having a therapist or counselor asking about finances, seems a bit to personal. Yet, it is a leading area of contention within relationships. I and many other therapists, will ask ball park questions to get a feel for how the couple view their own assets and stage/health of their financial resources. I have had couples say they are almost broke, but they have 500,000 each in IRA’s and I have had couples say they are doing great and they have funds left over at the end of the month, and with pride they say “we have almost $50.00”. Helping couples talk openly and realistically it the goal. Desensitizing people and helping to lower one’s anxiety and see how past experiences are affecting current financial decisions are all apart of the therapeutic process.
I am not a financial planner or attorney or CPA, I do help couples open the dialog so when they do go to the appropriate financial referrals…they are able to stick to business and leave the anxiety, embarrassment and fears elsewhere.
So as you continue to shop this holiday season…
Please try to have a budget this includes, who gets what and how much the items cost. Make sure you both are in agreement

Holidays and children of Divorce

2009-12-13T07:38:00.000-08:00

This is such a hard time for divorced parents, grand-parents and extended family. Please give this some very careful consideration.
Kendall

I never feel that I need to re-write something that has been written so well. Here is an portion of an article by Jeremy White...

A divorce - especially a fresh one - can be particularly trying during the holidays. The Yuletide season is one of giving and family, and the dissonance of a divorce can greatly threaten the joy of the season. The challenge to adults is to keep Christmas spirits high for the children. Just because a relationship has been ruined doesn't mean a child's Christmas has to be ruined as well. Here are some tips for making sure that doesn't happen this holiday season.
Put Your Kids First - Christmas is a selfless season. It's a time when we focus on charity. Keep it that way. Think not of yourself or how to "one-up" your ex-spouse. Instead, focus on the needs of your kids. Ask yourself what you can do to ensure the holidays are happy and productive for them. Then do it.
Buy Your Ex a Gift - As much as kids love getting gifts, they also want to be part of the giving. They revel in the opportunity to give both mommy and daddy a gift or two, and it's up to you to help make that possible. Your little one has no money and no transportation, so the only way they're getting your spouse a gift is if you suck it up and take them Christmas shopping. Don't be the parent that's too proud to buy your ex a gift. It's the child you'll end up hurting anyway.
Don't Hog the Kids - There may be a custodial agreement in place where the kids spend Christmas with mommy one year and then with daddy the next. Everyone loses when that happens. Unless mommy and daddy live too far apart, there is no reason the kids can't see both. Perhaps they spend the majority of Christmas Eve at one place, then move to the other to spend the night and wake up on Christmas morning. Next year reverse roles so that both parents have the opportunity to watch the little ones wake up on Christmas morning and see what Santa left them. See what you can work out with your spouse. Remember, do what's in the best interest of the child.
Don't Take the Phone Off the Hook - When it isn't possible for one parent to see the children on Christmas for whatever reason, don't shut them out completely. Let the kids call them to say "Merry Christmas."
Old Habits Die Hard - Since Christmas is about family traditions, a divorce naturally fractures those traditions. That's especially hard on the kids. When it's possible to maintain an old tradition, such as helping mommy make cookies or helping daddy select a tree, do so. When it's not, start new traditions with your kids. They need them.
Don't Bad-Mouth Your Ex - If you need to complain about your ex, do so to your adult friends - and don't do it in the presence of your children. No matter how you feel about your ex, your children still love them and look up to them. Don't hurt your kids by badmouthing their mommy or daddy.

Dealing with the triggers and coping with Holiday Depression!

2009-12-11T05:23:00.000-08:00

Everyone thinks that the holidays are full of joy, love and anticipation for the wonderful family get togethers. These very same events can bring on dread, anxiety and depression. One of the reasons is that for many, the holiday never fulfills the fantasy or desire we have for the perfect Christmas or holiday. For others, there have been the losses of loved ones or friends and this year alot of economic losses also. All of this can trigger holiday depression. There are also those that are prone to seasonal depression and with the changes of weather, increased stress and physiological components, depression hits hard and fast. Please call your Dr. and or therapist when you know you are going into a depressive cycle. This doesn't mean you will need medication, but it is important for your Dr. to know as sometimes other physical issues can trigger Depression and those need to be ruled out.

Here is an except from an article written by Lindsey Gittins:
.......Others are suffocated by the unrealistic expectations of expensive Christmas gifts without the financial resources to make them possible, exhausting cooking sprees and superficial goodwill as long feuds are put on the backburner in the name of the holiday spirit.
Not being able to spend time with family or conversely, spending too much time with family can all lead to Christmas depression and holiday depression. The added stresses, unrealistic expectations and fatigue of the season can also contribute to holiday depression. People with few friends or family members may feel even more alone and isolated. People with a large circle of family and friends may feel stressed by having to cook and entertain for large family get-togethers.
Some holiday depression stressors are:
- The frenetic activities of the holidays can place a not insignificant burden on already full schedules.
- The costs involved with end of year vacations and Christmas presents can place a major burden on already stretched budgets.
- Separation or divorce can leave people celebrating Christmas and the holiday season alone.
- People who have lost a loved one are especially mindful of that loss.
Some stressors cannot be avoided, however, there are a number of suggestions that can ease Christmas and holiday depression and keep it at a minimum.
1. Schedule parties and obligations wisely. Don't try and cram another responsibility into the already over filed timetable, rather take some time to care for yourself with a quiet afternoon alone with a good book or a hot bubble bath
2. Set reasonable time goals and employ time management shopping techniques - shop online or by mail order. Try and remember to do your Christmas shopping during the off-peak season next year. Remember that unique, thoughtful and handmade gifts often much more pleasure than a gift bought out of obligation.
3. Set reasonable financial goals based on what your budget can afford.
4. Be particularly mindful of diet during the holiday season. High sugar and non complex carbohydrate foods typical of the holidays will only make depression matters worse. As will your bulging jeans after the excessive eating is over. Allow indulgences during the holidays, but with limitations.
5. Put old issues aside when dealing with family. If that is not possible, consider limiting the time spent. Many of my sessions around the holidays deal with the best way to interact and set boundaries with those that have caused us great pain in the past.
6. Recognize the sadness of absent loved ones instead of denying the reality of their memory.
7. Ask people if you can spend Christmas with them. You'd be surprised at how happy your friends will be to have you, a lot of the time they are so caught up in the rush they don't know your dilemma and will be more that happy to reach out.
8. Take time out to be self-reflective and consider what the season means to you. Sometimes thinking about how you feel and why can help you get a grip on it.
9. Appreciate the holiday spirit. Christmas is the season of profound love. The importance of giving to others and sharing and bringing joy to the world are central to our spiritual meanings in life.
10. Remember that Christmas depression is not permanent. Moods typically improve once the holidays are over.
What does holiday depression look like?
Regardless of the whether you are able to identify the cause of depression during Christmas and the holiday season, sufferers of depression during the holiday season might experience excess fatigue, a change in sleeping patterns, irritability and feelings of sadness. People who do not display the outward symptoms of depression during Christmas and the holiday season might develop other stress responses like over eating or excessive drinking.

Again, please do not try to just get by...call your therapist, friend Dr. or another trusted person, isolation is the biggest symptom and yet the most important to overcome.

Yes, this year you need to go to that Christmas Party!

2009-12-10T05:59:00.000-08:00

Over the last few weeks, a few themes have come out of the Carlsbad Counseling Center.
Dealing with family over the holidays (see last post), seasonal depression (see tomorrows post) and the multiple Christmas parties that people need/ want or feel obligated to go to....

There are a few reasons people are not wanting to go.. resentment with the company or higher ups due to fiscal restraints, seasonal depression and the always present, I don't have enough time.
This year more then any: going to those parties is important for several reasons.
1. With office or any business related parties GO! See it as an unwritten job requirement. It gives you another opportunity to put your best foot forward and to remind the company that you have a family. This goes both ways, Men, go with your wives to their parties also.

2. Keeping the traditions that you have had over the years will help take the lower levels of depression off... With less spending this year, a white elephant gift or small trinket is a small price to pay for some social interactions and Christmas cheer.

3. The family as a whole still needs traditions and memories. We as adults may look back with mixed emotions to some of our parents traditions, remember, we have those memories. Our children need them also. So have a get together at a park, a simple evening open house or go get the local family press paper and see what is going on for the holidays. Invite friends and have that be your Christmas party. If you get invited to one of these GO!!

Finally, once you are there, be kind and have your best self present. You do not want to be remembered as the sad sack or the mope.
Also, if you are not a drinker, this is not the time to learn, you will fail, embarrass yourself and family and then negate the whole reason for going to the party in the first place. Last but not least, if you do drink at all, have a designated driver or if it is a company party..reserve a room.

No matter what happens this holiday season you will remember it. So...be pro-active and create the positive memories and be seen as positive and professional at work. Regarding family and friends: kindness and warm wishes are contagious, be the one to give those as gifts!

Tomorrow, we will deal with seasonal depression!

2009-12-09T05:19:00.000-08:00

I found this article and it covers just about everything. Families tend to deal after the conflict has started. Try being proactive. If you need a third party to maintain calm, call a therapist, pastor or close family friend.
One of the things I hear most often cited as a source of conflict with couples, especially during the holidays, is the in-laws.
Every family celebrates the holidays differently. That means each partners comes to a relationship with family members that inevitably place demands for time and attention, when both are running dangerously low. Also, running notably low, patience. So, the least bit of strain from outside a relationship coming in the form of pressure from in-laws can seem like an unbearable pressure. How do you keep your Honey's family from being the straw that broke the camel's back?
1. Sit down with your significant other and have a long, honest talk about what the holidays mean to the two of you as a couple. If you don't know what traditions are important to you, you will have no compass to know if you are getting off course. Think about what you want to teach your kids about Christmas and what activities are special to you. Write a list of the things you chose to make your couple or family holiday traditions. For example, my husband, oldest son and I had this talk over the weekend. We decided we want a holiday season that is more about experience then gift giving. We mapped out one holiday related experience a week from now until after the first of the year.
2. Now make a list of all the activities and functions your respective families have each year. Highlight those that are perceived as attendance mandatory. See if any of the items on your list overlap, or is there something on your list that might be proposed as an alternative or a place you can include family. One way we did this was by opting out of the Christmas morning Santa grab-fest with my husband's family, but inviting them to attend the zoo lights festival with us on Christmas Eve. We all agreed that would be a tradition that all parts of the family might cherish for years to come.
3. Talk with your family in advance about what you can do and what you cannot do. We had this talk with my family after Thanksgiving dinner. We made a special attempt to be clear about our expectations around what we want for the baby. We do not want a pile of presents. We came to the table prepared with suggestions about alternatives for gift giving that involved ways to spend time together.
4. Make sure you and your Honey have time alone during the holidays to decompress. A holiday date can be very romantic. This is a no kids - no family event! One very romantic evening can go a long way to defray the stress of the season. My husband and I planned a romantic dinner in a restaurant where the local Christmas lights parade goes by. Little one is staying with his big brother. They are planning their own little date!
5. Be prepared to stand firm with your boundaries with family. Practice makes perfect. Keep putting your foot down. If the time you have set aside for family interaction is Christmas dinner, don't budge when Mom calls and demands that you bring the kids to Christmas Eve services. Smile, be sweet, but be firm. You'll be glad you did.
Written by Lisa Hayes

Why counselors are not always helpful. :)

2009-12-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

Why would I start my first blog for my counseling office with why we are not always helpful? To help you clarify your goals and how to find a therapist that will really be helpful to you..
First of all, it is important to know, that although we can be kind and supportive, a therapist is not your best friend. This means they will be honest and challenge you when a friend may just agree..
Second, for all of you that have heard a friend said their therapist didn't help or said something mean. Remember two things, first, a therapist can not change you only help you see parts of you that you can't see yourself. We all have blind spots. And what in my own private practice gets the most frustrated responses, you cannot change someone else or get them to be different, only change yourself and your responses to sometimes very painful situations.

How to choose a therapist.
Feel free to call and ask questions. Such as, how do you work, what is your emergency policy and what are your fees.
You want a therapist that you feel comfortable with and confident in. The therapeutic relationship will be a very intense and challenging one. You want someone, that will always be honest and direct and available if needed.

Next up how to handle the family favorites over the holiday season!