[Today's C&D Guest Blogger is Melinda Lewis, the founder of The Get Togetha company; a daily lifestyle blog that features ideas on living quality, spirit musings, home décor, and entertaining from the heart. She lives in Harlem, New York with her husband Regg and their Beta Fish Seymore]

The L word is such an overly used, frustratingly narrow utterance. But like all things American, we learn how to make things user friendly and Valentine’s Day is no exception: Roses at mind-boggling markup prices, kitschy note cards,”who can afford filet mignon” dinners, “I look fat in this” lingerie, and an insanely ginormous amount of drugstore snuggle bears and heart shaped chocolates. It’s all too much. So much so that we want the commercialism of the Red Love Day to fall into the bottom of a Volcano already.

But this could just be me.

Five years into my marriage I was once the “uuugh!” and the “arrrrrrgh!” cynic of commercialized love. But I am now happy to say that my rough edges have softened. My narrow perspective of how I thought love should be acknowledged and celebrated has since been blown out of the water. From the second grader who laboriously Crayola’s hearts for Mommy and Daddy to the career driven long distance couple that divides time between Coasts to the soldier in Iraq who wants to be with his family to appreciating the wisdom in the crow’s feet of your Grandmother’s eyes. Love is omnipresent; it’s everywhere.

I thought what I wanted was the right to define love — when what I really wanted was the ability to experience and recognize love on every level of my being. My cynical mind didn’t think that could ever be possible so I blamed Hallmark for what I saw as it’s squishy consumerism. But when you change the way you look at things; the things you look at change. Who are we to say that love shouldn’t be embellished? Who are we to say that gifts big and small are just hype?

We all want admiration, unconditional acceptance, great sex, a trusted source to depend on, to be doted on and to be forgiven but we’ve been conditioned to be as tough as nails when it comes to embracing vulnerability. I now know this to be true: love will always be the “in” thing, because we all crave it within the fabric of our being.

It’s just up to the individual to create what love will mean for them.

[Photo by Daylight]

1. He Calls For No Reason

When he’s really into you, he calls just for the sake of calling. He likes hearing your voice. He wants to hold a conversation with you about anything and everything. Sometimes he’ll call just to say hi, and at other times he’ll call for a specific purpose. Either way, he wants to be as close to you as humanly possible when he can’t be in your presence. Also, if he calls, you actually get to hear his voice. Text messaging can be incredibly impersonal, especially if he never calls at all. Someone who’s truly into you won’t reduce your interactions to characters on a cell-phone screen.

2. You Are Not an Afterthought

He makes plans with you in mind. When he says he’s going to Myrtle Beach, he’s already planning on your accompaniment. If he’s at the supermarket and he walks by your favorite brand of orange juice and knows you’re out, he picks it up for you. Partying with friends? He’s got you in mind for that, too. Whether it’s something simple or something elaborate, you’re on his mind. That doesn’t mean he won’t cherish his own personal quality time, but when a guy really likes his woman, many of his plans and thoughts include her.

3. He Does Things to Make You Smile

He’s not so fond of that blue argyle sweater you bought for him, but he wears it anyway. He’s not the biggest fan of your special chili recipe, but he eats it because he knows you made it from your heart. When you compliment him on his new crew cut, he continues to wear it that way because he knows you dig it. When he’s truly into you, he makes it a point to see you smile by doing things he knows make you happy. Even if he gets nothing out of it, your smile is reciprocity enough for him.

4. He Asks You Questions

When he’s into you, it’s not all about him. Normally, he couldn’t care less about the historical significance of the July issue of Vogue magazine. Now he wants to know why it’s so important because it’s important to you. He probes you about your family life, your background, and your story. He wants to know why you don’t have a favorite color, why you chose State over Stanford, how you’re preparing for that marathon, and what your spiritual beliefs are. He’s genuinely interested in your life, and these seemingly small bits of information give him insight into how to love you even better.

[Photo by daBinsi]

More than a year ago, there was a huge exposé of the harmful levels of lead in many toys manufactured throughout the world. This was mainly due to poor factory practices in China and other eastern countries. After this information was made public, parents everywhere began switching to American-made or wooden toys for their children. Although that was a good move for many, there’s still a culprit lurking beneath the surface of those toys–plastic. Almost every toy on the market is made with cheap plastics that are full of harmful chemicals. Most bottles, nipples, and other baby products are also made of these plastics.

The Plastic Problem

According to the Environmental Working Group (EWG), children ingest more than 120 chemicals on a daily basis. Most of these toxic chemicals are absorbed through the skin or mouth. Although the issue has been brought to the FDA’s attention many times, the organization still hasn’t advanced research or increased regulation.

There are currently no restrictions on the various plastics used in everyday products marketed to children. These plastics contain many harmful chemicals that are categorized as carcinogens (cancer-causing chemicals). Many also contain phthalate (an additive to make plastic flexible and durable), which can cause reproductive disorders in males.

The Risk Factor

Babies and children develop at a much faster rate than adults, which leads to greater vulnerability and risk concerning these chemicals. An adult’s body is able to resist and overcome many of the toxins found in everyday plastic products, but a baby’s body is a blank canvas, open to everything it ingests. A child’s development can also be directly linked to the toxins in toys. Links have been found between these chemicals and colds, ear infections, allergies, and behavioral changes in children.

These toxins pose the greatest danger to infants who are prone to allergic reactions. The term “toxic overload” refers to the condition of the body when it is at its maximum capacity of toxins. Many children’s immune systems cannot regulate the various toxic chemicals (60 or more on a daily basis) found in toys, and so their bodies go into toxic shock. The bodies will shut down to protect themselves, requiring immediate medical attention.

Keep Your Kids Safe

To avoid these chemicals, buy baby products that are solid wood or are clearly marked “BPA free.” Purchasing 100% organic products is another way to ensure safety. When a product is organic, you can rest assured that it is natural and doesn’t contain any additives.

Many parents believe that just because a product was made for a baby, it is safe. This assumption has lead to many unfortunate issues. Sadly, most major toy manufacturers are more concerned about making money than they are about your child’s safety. You have to be an advocate for your children. Take the time to research and learn to ask the right questions before buying plastics for your children.

[Photo by Antikris]

All right. You’ve had some down time, and you are no longer terrified of putting yourself out there. Or maybe you’re terrified, but you’re still willing to go through with it. Good for you! Give yourself a pat on the back for all the work you’ve done to get to this point. It’s never easy, but it’s certainly worthwhile.

With the help of your new social network, you can now start searching for that special someone. You didn’t build up a network in order to do this, but it’s a good start toward dating again. People always want to help, and who doesn’t like to play matchmaker?

It’s really important that you send out positive vibrations at this point in your life. This is a new adventure and a new start for you.

5 Tips For Finding That Someone

1. Before you can get what you want, you have to know what you want.
Do you want to casually date, or do you want something more? Be honest with yourself. If all you want is a good time, that’s all right. If you want a long-term relationship and feel you have a lot to offer and that you’re up for it, then great. Tell your friends that’s what you want. If they know someone, perhaps they can introduce you. It’s a start.

2. What are your absolutely will-not–comprise requirements?
Even if you’re casually dating, you still don’t want to waste your time. If bald men or hairy women turn you off, be honest about it. Physical appearance might not be the most important thing, but it is important. At a minimum, you want someone you can talk to, so you should have something in common with the person you’re meeting. If you want something more than a fun date, your requirements will probably be somewhat stringent. The requirements might change, but you need to be clear about what you want now. Discuss these things with your friends. Write them down if you’re considering online dating (more about that in Part 7). If you decide that the person you want must love art or climb mountains, then join clubs and groups with those interests.

3. Expand your social network.
Your interests are probably expanding and changing, so go out there and find activities that might interest you. Find out about recreational activities in your area. Get involved in social action, and volunteer with the kind of people who intrigue you. Create a profile on Facebook, MySpace, or other Web sites that encourage local connections.

4. If there is someone at work or in your social network who interests you, don’t be shy.
Approach that person. Ask him or her out for coffee. Don’t throw yourself at anyone, and don’t come on strong, but be friendly and helpful. Wait for them to show interest in you.

5. Spruce yourself up.
Get a new haircut. Buy some new clothes in colors or styles you’ve never worn before. Shows like TLC’s “What Not to Wear” can be useful for changing your look, and so can many books and Web sites. Remember, the new look has to be yours alone. Keep it smart and clean, but have a bit of flare. Go shopping with a friend for feedback. If you plan to use online-dating sites, you’ll need an updated photograph. It’s also a great confidence booster to have one professional photograph of yourself. Put effort into how you present yourself both in the real world and the online world. Having a new look signals to others that you are ready for a new life!

[Photo by GaetanLee]

I’m a very different person than I used to be. I guess I’d like to say I’m worldlier and a little wiser than the former version of myself. Though I don’t like to admit it, I used to be very traditional in my view of relationships. I’d date, get to know someone, and if I was meant to marry a particular man, he would propose. The rest of the courting would remain the same unless we tied the knot.

My First Mistake

That was before my first marriage crashed and burned. My ex-husband and I hadn’t lived together before getting married, so I had no idea what it was like to live with him each day. I didn’t even know if we were compatible.

When I met John, my now-husband and love of my life, we were living in different states. He drove round-trip from Virginia to Baltimore every weekend. And as our love grew deeper, we knew within a short time that we were destined to get married.

Moving on In

Despite my misgivings about cohabitation in the past, I was completely and utterly in love. So when John asked me to move in with him, I knew it was right.

For the longest time, however, I had heard nothing but bad things about cohabitation. Some people told me that it ruins a relationship and others said it leaves no surprises for when you get married.

I’m here to tell you that if you want to make sure you’re compatible with your partner, it’s a good idea to live together before marriage. Not only does it show you what it’s like to live with someone every day, but it can actually strengthen your bond and make your love stronger than it was when you lived solo.

Making the Decision to Move

It’s not easy to leave a place you love, but sometimes it’s the best choice when planning your future. Maybe it’s time for you to move on with life. If you’ve lived at home since you were young, moving out can bring a huge sense of independence, which in itself makes you feel good about yourself and your life.

One great benefit to moving in with your partner is convenience. This is especially true if you like your partner’s area better or if the two of you live in different cities and it’s painful to spend long periods of time apart.

Getting to Know Your Boyfriend

One of the biggest challenges of cohabitation is adjusting to your partner’s lifestyle. It’s good to ask yourself questions like Can I live with his eccentricities? What does he do at home that he doesn’t do around me? In addition to showing you what it’s like to live with someone, cohabitating also forces you to adjust to a new life dynamic.

Dealing with Family

If you come from a family with traditional values, it may be difficult to get their blessing if you’re planning to move in with a boyfriend. Since the idea of living together before marriage was taboo in their day, they may have a hard time accepting the idea. In many cases, family will try to discourage you from moving. But you ultimately have to decide what is best for you, and no one can make that choice but yourself.

Cohabitation is a great way to find out if you and your partner are truly marriage material. So move in and be merry!

[Photo by blmurch]

Almost everyone these days has a friend or loved one who is diabetic. Sometimes it’s hard to know exactly how to be supportive and what to say. If you are dating a diabetic (or even just friendly with one), here are a few guidelines that might ease the tough conversations and situations as well as help you raise your compassion quotient for the sweetie in your life.

One Type or 2? Getting to know your Diabetic

Before we continue, let me just say that some diabetics are extremely sensitive about talking about their chronic disease. Depending on the day, I sometimes find it extremely annoying when people ask me if my blood sugar is “under control”. It seems like it would be akin to asking an HIV positive friend if their T cell count is “under control”. It’s not something that you can always be in control of. Your body does what it does, mostly without consulting you. And often it’s depressing to have to talk about your disease because it is, after all, a disease and sometimes you just want to forget about it.

What’s important is if the diabetic in your life wants to talk, you’re there to listen and be supportive. Ask the diabetic in your life if they feel comfortable talking about it with you and be understanding if they don’t want to. However, make sure you acquaint yourself with the type of diabetic your sweetie is. There’s a big difference between type 1 and type 2 in terms of medication and severity of health issues. Even if your friend doesn’t want to go into detail about their medical history with you on the first date, you at least have an idea of what they deal with on a daily basis.

Here’s where to find the basics about diabetes: Diabetes.org. You might also want to check out Dlife.com. You should know what can happen during a sugar low, and ultimately be able to sense when one is occurring because your diabetic might not be able to tell you when it’s happening.

What Not To Say or Do to a Diabetic (Cause You Might Get Hurt)

Never sit in front of a diabetic eating sweets and say, “Sorry, I know you can’t have this but I’m going to eat it anyway.”

Never eat sweets in front of a diabetic while waving it in their face saying: “I know you want it!” or “You can’t have this!”

When cooking for a diabetic, be mindful about what you put into foods and let them know about it. Don’t say: “Can you eat this?” because most likely they can’t but will adjust their medications. Just try to keep count of the carbs and sugars you use and let them know so they can act accordingly.

Don’t make fun of what a diabetic eats. Or the way they eat. I once had very low blood sugar (symptoms include sweating, shaking, babbling, mood swings and in the worse cases, fainting and comas) and practically swallowed an entire fruit roll-up, barely taking off the plastic. It happens.

Don’t hold a diabetic accountable for what they say during blood sugar lows. Remember that scene in Steel Magnolias when Julia Roberts is getting her hair done for the wedding and freaks out on Sally Field (it’s admittedly an unrealistic example but it’s the only one I got!)? I often get weepy or unexplainably angry when I have low blood sugar. Think of how you feel when you haven’t eaten all day then times it by 200. Of course, never take emotional abuse, but give ‘em a glass of orange juice before walking out the door.

Alternately, just because your diabetic is irritable or sad don’t raise your eyebrow and say, “Maybe you should check your blood sugar”. A man should never ask his girlfriend if she has PMS just because she’s pissed he didn’t pick up his socks for the 392nd time. You’ll probably get the same reaction.

Try not to change plans at the last minute. Diabetics usually must eat at certain times and it’s especially hard when they must plan medicines accordingly. One spontaneous boyfriend I had used to always want to “just stop here” or “run an errand there” before we would eat, causing me to have sugar lows or highs. It wasn’t fun.

Don’t panic when a sugar low hits. It just makes things worse.

Never, EVER blame a diabetic for their condition. Don’t say: “If you’d just exercise…” or “If you’d just eat better…”. This isn’t a situation that can be solved with anything that starts with “just”. I’m not saying that you should condone bad habits, but it’s more complicated than you think.

What You SHOULD Say and Do For a Diabetic

The phrase “What can I do to help?” is always welcome.

Be ready for your sweetie to have occasional sugar lows during sex. I had a lover who liked to feed me organic dark chocolate at just the right moment(s)…

Be vigilant about your own health. Nothing is sexier or more supportive than someone who takes care of themselves. So eat a salad instead of bread. Eat an apple instead of chocolate cake. Invite your sweetie to participate in your own exercise routine, or better yet, start a new one together.

Not that you have to be responsible for your sugar pie’s sugar levels, but finding out and keeping their “upper” of choice (glucose tablets, orange juice, granola bars, etc) in your house or bag for an emergency is the ultimate gesture.

Learn patience. Sometimes when blood sugar is high, diabetics can get headaches and become lethargic. When blood sugar is low, diabetics might have to pull over for a snack instead of racing off to the show. At some point you’ll probably find yourself having to slow down at bit or wait it out with them.

Develop good listening skills. No matter who you date or befriend, being able to listen without judgment or feeling compelled to put in your own two cents is priceless.

Encourage your honey to seek out diabetic support groups and maybe even go to one yourself. There’ll always be a time when the only person who can really understand diabetes is another diabetic.

Be open to the diabetic lifestyle. Sure, we have some issues and have to do things differently than the non-diabetic, but we’re worth it!

[Photo by Javiercit0]

People say change is a good thing. But what happens when that change involves moving out of state to take a new opportunity, which means moving away from your family? In today’s society, a lot of adult women move away from home and out of state with their husbands or partners. This often puts strain on extended-family relationships and wreaks havoc on a woman’s life. Families don’t always like the idea of long-distance relationships, but what happens when you have kids and a life of your own, too?

A Change in Family Dynamics

As women, we’re often taught from the moment we come out of the womb that it is our job to take care of our families and everyone else around us. This sometimes makes it hard for us to detach and start our own lives. We feel so emotionally responsible for others that we neglect our own futures and even ourselves. When you’re moving away, your extended family may have a hard adjusting to the fact that they won’t see you every day. When you’ve lived somewhere for a long time, people get so used to having you around that they don’t expect that to change.

The Guilt Trip

A problem a lot of women face is the guilt trip. When we move to a new town, everything seems shiny and new–it is a new start, after all. The unfortunate part, though, is that family members may try to guilt you into staying behind. They may even call you selfish and refuse to do their part in maintaining a family bond. Older relatives have a particularly hard time understanding this transition and may actually begin to resent you and your partner.

Living Your Own Life

When you have kids, you don’t have time to travel (They demand a lot of time and attention!). And when your family lives far away, you can’t be expected to travel. This may be difficult for them to understand, but you have a life, too, and you’re entitled to live that life as you see fit. A lot women travel long distances to visit loved ones before they have children.

All About You

It’s important to think about yourself. That may sound selfish, but it’s true. When you’re carrying a baby, you don’t need the added stress of trying to make everyone happy. You need to find happiness for yourself. It’s your time to enjoy being pregnant and bask in the glow of motherhood. Even if no one is willing to come and stay with you during the baby’s first weeks of life, remember that it’s up to you and your partner to find happiness in your own lives.

It helps to have someone in whom you can confide. Moving to a new town means starting fresh, making new friends, and starting life anew. But this process takes time. Share your feelings with your husband or partner. Chances are that he sees your pain and wants to comfort you.

Whatever you do, don’t let people tell you you’re selfish, because you’re not. You’re living the life you want to live…and that’s something to smile about.

[Photo by bradleypjohnson)

Even the best recipes benefit from adding a favorite spice. Intimacy is about more than the physical act of sex–it also includes a strong emotional connection with another person.

Emotional intimacy brings you closer to the person you love and allows you to feel safe enough to explore fantasies together. Loving exploration within the safety of a committed relationship requires a certain level of trust. Once you’ve established that type of trust with another person, you’re free to explore the extent of those possibilities without feeling kinky.

Use Your Senses

Each person has individual preferences for what feels good. In Sex on the Brain, Daniel G. Amen, M.D., indicates that some people prefer routine to feel safe with intimate acts, while others need and grow with variation and novel experiences. One simple way to add spice to intimacy is by engaging all five senses–especially smell. Research suggests men respond to lavender and pumpkin spice. Women respond to baby powder and baking bread.

Know Your Limits

When experimenting with new techniques and accessories, you should know your personal boundaries and communicate them to your partner. Once you have agreed to the parameters for your play, make certain to have a safe word to let the other person know you feel uncomfortable and should stop. That is not to say you won’t feel some heart-thumping excitement and maybe a little trepidation over trying something new, but you will know the difference between what feels good and what creates a feeling of discomfort.

Adding spice to intimacy is based on taste. You can start out with a little and then add more as you desire. In addition to learning new tips from how-to examples like the Kama Sutra, tantric techniques, or educational videos, you can explore other options.

Accoutrements

These are items designed to enhance the physical experience. They include lubricants, massage oils, and textured condoms. Respected and mainstream products can be found at pharmacies and stores in the personal-care section. Those who seek more daring options can find selections at adult or novelty stores and Web sites.

Toys

These are used to heighten pleasure. Toys can be found objects in the home that are used in a unique way, like chocolate sauce or whipped cream for body decoration or neckties for light bondage. Whatever level of additional spice you are seeking, there is sure to be a product made to satisfy your taste. Some of the most commonly used toys are vibrators and dildos, but you can also find toys appropriate for bondage and domination aficionados, such as leather whips and costumes.

Roleplay

Roleplay is fantasy exploration of a relationship, perhaps with a touch of naughtiness that you would normally consider taboo or impossible to achieve. It may include the use of props and costuming. Pretending to be different people may be uncomfortable for some because of the personal issues associated with physical intimacy. Sexologist Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., cautions in Men in Bed that when using toys and fantasy, a couple needs to communicate and work out a level of comfort together.

When you care for the feelings of your lover, you focus on enhancing the other person’s pleasure instead of on performance. Adding spice means building on an already existing relationship to nourish romance and bring you closer together.

[Photo by JasonClapp]

I can’t remember when I first had tiramisu, but it must have been before that night.

How could I have missed it?

Tiramisu translates to “pick me up” — and it does. A jolt of sugar, caffeine, and alcohol, it’s a great start to the end of a meal, giving you enough energy to stay awake after a coma-inducing Italian feast. It should be intolerably cloying; being so sweet and rich with ladyfingers and mascarpone custard, but it’s not. Few people can resist it. I know I can’t. I’ve probably consumed at least a hundred servings in my thirty-something years, but one night in particular stands out in my mind.

Is This A Date?

It was 1994. I was living at home, working at a job far beneath my mental capabilities, and I had just broken up with a boyfriend. He was a nice enough man–on paper everything that I should have been looking for–but there was something missing so I ended the relationship, for no other reason than a feeling. There was something better out there; I just hadn’t found it yet. I wondered if I ever would. Opportunity wasn’t exactly knocking at my door.

February in Chicago isn’t the most cheerful place anyway, with only a portion of the miserable cold winter behind us, several more months until the city’s spring rebirth, and my situation at that time only made it that much more depressing. But things were looking up as I had accepted a surprise invitation out to dinner with a young man I knew from high school.

He called me up with an offer of opera and dinner at the Verdi & Puccini Opera Café in Evanston. A little place on Sherman Street, I don’t know why I had never noticed it before. A nondescript entrance, but the restaurant sounded fascinating. The staff was comprised of local students from Northwestern University who sang opera while they waited on tables. I love opera and Italian food, so we agreed upon the time that he would pick me up.

I should have been nervous for this night, but I wasn’t. I hadn’t been out on a first date in quite some time. But this was a friend, not the beginning to a romance, right? The young man in question was an ex-boyfriend of sorts. We hadn’t seen each other in five years, after a brief and disastrous relationship, but he was cute and funny, and I was bored. He was so self-assured and comfortable on the phone that I felt confident in my assumption. This was just a casual dinner between friends. The day arrived and the appointed hour and he was there.

This Isn’t A Date; It’s The Beginning Of Something Bigger

The short car ride was uneventful. We sat down to dinner and began to talk. I really couldn’t tell you what we talked about, only that the conversation was pleasant. His kind demeanor put me at ease immediately, any nervousness in my determining his motivation erased. I couldn’t tell you what I ate for dinner, because that’s not the part of the story that I remember. All I know is that we finished our meal, and decided to split an order of tiramisu for dessert.

The young soprano took her place in the room and gave us a brief synopsis of the aria she was going to sing. The name of it also failed to stick in my memory because it wasn’t important. I only remember that it sounded pretty and as most good operas are, was a love story. The young man across the table from me took my hand in his and I felt a brief moment of panic. Oh sh*t! This is a date (luckily the words were only in my head). I looked up at him and he was smiling at me. This wasn’t a casual dinner, it was the beginning of a courtship. And something in me broke wide open. I smiled back, thinking it was the nicest surprise I had experienced in a long time.

The dessert was a metaphor for the night. It was too sweet to consume alone, best shared with someone you care about, someone who won’t be petty enough to hog the whole thing for themselves. The tiramisu was savored, enjoying each new flavor and sensation. It was too messy of a dish to be overly concerned with appearances. I forgot my brief moment of panic. The dessert was soon gone, but the pleasant feelings lingered the rest of the evening.

Now I won’t share what happened next, because nice girls don’t kiss and tell, but that was the last “first date” that I ever went on. Two weeks later that young man told me he loved me and two months later he proposed. On July 1st, 1995, he became my husband.

We’ve had tiramisu many times together since that night. The sweet surprise of new love has mellowed, just like a well-made tiramisu. The hard edges of the ladyfingers soften with the custard and, like life… sometimes just a little from the alcohol. It transforms into something different, but good. He still reaches for my hand across the table and shares one of the sweetest things I have ever tasted.

Now, create some of your own magic…

‘First Date’ Tiramisu

Note: Brandy is traditional in this recipe, but I was out of it one day when I decided to make this recipe (does anyone else get the urge to spontaneously concoct difficult desserts or is it just me?) and I substituted dark rum. That’s something we nearly always have in the house and we liked it just as well. So go ahead, use dark rum.

Note 2: Yes, it’s also traditional to use raw eggs. I call for bringing them up to a safe temperature in step one. You can skip this step if you use pasteurized eggs or you’re willing to live on the edge. I like to cook dangerously, but not at the risk of food poisoning. Even my mad skills and stellar wit couldn’t get me out of that one.

Ingredients:
*6 egg yolks, room temperature
*¼ cup sugar
*½ cup dark rum divided
*1 ½ cups espresso coffee, divided
*16 ounces mascarpone cheese
*30 ladyfinger cookies
*Bittersweet chocolate — shaved or grated

Whisk the egg yolks and sugar in the bowl of an electric mixer (or in a regular bowl if you are going to whisk the eggs by hand or with a handheld mixer) over a pan of boiling water. Continue whisking until eggs reach a temperature of 160 degrees

Place bowl on a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment on high speed (or using a handheld mixer or whisk, which will take longer), for about 5 minutes or until very thick and light yellow. Lower the speed to medium and add 1/4 cup rum, 1/4 cup espresso, and the mascarpone. Whisk until smooth.

Combine the remaining 1/4 cup rum and 1 1/4 cups espresso in a shallow bowl. Dip 1 side of each ladyfinger in the espresso/rum mixture and line the bottom of a 9 inch by 13 inch glass dish. Pour half the espresso cream mixture evenly on top. Dip 1 side of the remaining ladyfingers in the espresso/rum mixture and place them in a second layer in the dish. Pour the rest of the espresso cream over the top. Smooth the top and cover with plastic wrap. Refrigerate for at least 6 hours or overnight.

Before serving, sprinkle the top with shaved chocolate. Share. Fall in love.

It’s a fact of life: unless you marry your high-school sweetheart, the older you get, the more relationships you’ve had. And so has your significant other. Not only are there more relationships, but each relationship is more meaningful. There are shared pets, shared friends, ex-apartments, ex-fiances, ex-spouses, and even children.

Before I entered the world of adult dating, I didn’t really understand the importance of these factors in forming a new relationship. My lovely older sister used to lose her mind when her boyfriend (now husband)’s ex was mentioned, and I couldn’t understand why. She was history–why was the mention of her name so upsetting? I didn’t care about any of MY boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. Of course I didn’t–they’d dated as teenagers or college students and topped out at a year, two at the most.

Once I joined the ranks of the grown-ups, though, I had a new appreciation for the significance of ‘the ex.’ And I’m still working through it. It’s far from complete, and I’m sure it will evolve, as all things do, as I age. But for the time being, here are a few tips I’ve found that help deal with this relationship reality in a healthy way.

1. Start Fresh (or Hide The Evidence)

In any relationship, but especially in long-termers and those involving co-habitation, things accumulate. There is just…stuff. It happens, and it’s okay. Kitchen gadgets, furniture purchased together–all these things don’t need to disappear just because the co-purchaser is no longer around. But you don’t want to stumble upon a pair of women’s shoes in the back of the closet, knowing full well that they’re not yours. That’s a little too much.

It’s certainly within your rights to ask your partner to wipe the slate clean and make an effort to remove things directly (and obviously) connected to an ex. But be forgiving. There was a time when I would find a book that my boyfriend had received from his ex-girlfriend, and see her name written inside with a date and a sweet note, and my head would explode. It didn’t bother me because it made me think about her–it bothered me because I assumed it made HIM think about her. Her clothes have to go; his books do not. Pretending he or she never existed will help nothing, but there is no need to make her presence felt in your everyday relationship. So make sure everyone cleans house.

2. Know What You Must–and Nothing More

The question of exes always comes up, either as a side note in conversation or as a topic itself. It’s only natural. With that said, learn what you must, but be careful what you ask for and make sure you’re ready to hear it. I was dying to know the details of a breakup once because I was certain that he wasn’t telling me the whole story. As I agonized about whether to bring it up, a very good friend asked me why I wanted to know so badly.

She was right. I didn’t need to know when the ex moved out, where she went, and all of the other details. Those things have NOTHING to do with me and my relationship. So, lesson learned–don’t over-pry. If you can’t ask it in person, it’s probably not something you need to know.

3. Don’t Compare

When dealing with a long-term ex, women especially seem to have a hard time distancing themselves from certain information. Was she taller, shorter, fatter, thinner? Am I prettier than she is? Are there pictures of them on a beach in an exotic part of the world? These are not things you really need to know. What you want is validation that you are the best, loveliest thing that has ever entered his world. When the urge strikes for that validation, remember that you are. I used to hate meeting his friends and family because I knew about the inevitable comparison that must be going through their minds. Hey, it’s going to happen. But he loves you, and they’ll love you, too.

4. Remember: You Have Baggage, Too

I have photos of old boyfriends. I have letters and postcards and mementos (carefully stashed away, of course). I have many friendships with ex-boyfriends, and I’m happy to have them. None of these things mean I am still in love with someone in my past. We all have exes, and they are all exes for a reason. Simple though it may seem, remembering it is the quickest way I have found to jar myself back to emotional equilibrium.

Whatever your past and whatever your partner’s past, the truth is that you are together now. Appreciate your relationship for its own beauty, and respect the experiences that made you who you are today. Don’t ignore the past, but don’t live in it. My parents have been married for 30 years, and frankly, they’ve set the bar pretty high. They make jokes and kissy faces and seem to still genuinely like each other. And yet once, over a glass of wine, as my sister and I ranted about the women who still haunted us from time to time, my mother narrowed her eyes and said “Jane Raymond.”

Seems the sting never quite wears off, but it should also never get in the way.

[Photo by Noël Zia Lee]