Here is a list of actual epitaphs from departed souls who clearly had more to say than the time to say it, or from their next of kin, who wanted to be sure they literally had the last word:

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good
wife, and yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells Fargo station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880’s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:

“I told you I was sick!”

John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said
her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Here’s more fun with names, this time featuring Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away
Owin’ more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn’t like Mr Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

On a grave from the 1880’s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”

Here’s Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903–Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

But does he make house calls? Dr Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:

Office now upstairs

Let’s hope.

As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.

Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were not a lot of senior citizens dashing across the finish line in the New York Marathon.

He began to wonder if at a certain age less strenuous activity might actually be, not only the better part of healthcare, but all that’s generally possible. He also began to ask himself if seniors who persisted in intense physical challenges like the marathon were absent at or near the finish line because they literally dropped by the wayside. He dismissed that possibility, because it really brought into question his hope for up-to-the-last-minute youth.

He shared the possible advisability of moderation with a fellow boomer, who happened to be his girlfriend. She agreed to take it into consideration but required proof of the astonishing comeuppance. So, while working out at her gym, she looked around and noticed, to her amazement, that there were not a lot of seniors sweating along with her, especially on the running track and in the weight room.

Most unsettling of all, she noticed that a confounded lot of the runners looked younger than she did.

She dared to break the stunning revelation to a friend, who told her boyfriend. Since hot news has a way of making it through the boomer vine, soon the bewildered generation was abuzz with the invitation to moderation.

Being serious about their health, many have researched the bone-crushing consequences of persistent over-exercise and have discovered that that they really should take it a little easy on themselves, especially since many of them are flirting with age 60. It seems that if they can persuade themselves of the wisdom at least some moderation they will go a long way toward preserving their knees, ankles, and assorted joints, tendons, and muscles. They could also save on visits to the surgeon.

As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude.

As one recalcitrant member of the group said, “Hey, it’s like exercising came with the genes. I can’t change my routine anymore than I can change my feet, which wake up every morning, ready to run for miles.”

This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted hobbling. As another member of the over-exercise or you’re over-the-hill group stated, ”Look, if I’m going to need a knee replacement or two, I might as well be one of the first in my generation to get one.”

The Donny & Marie Show was created by SId and Marty Krofft, the famed creators of other such offbeat television programs as H.R. Pufnstuf and Land of the Lost. It aired from January 1976 to May 1979 as a weekly on ABC and featured such famous guest stars as Redd Fox, Lucile Ball, Betty White, Jerry Lewis, and Milton Berle. The format usually consisted of an elaborate opening act followed by a series of comedy sketches and an even more elaborate closing musical number. But for all the campy scripts and synchronized dance routines, the real stars of the Donny & Marie Show were, without a doubt, the costumes.

The 1977 Christmas special episode is a great example of Donny and Marie’s ability to balance cutesy-poo costumes on that thin line between adorable and nauseating. Donny kept it simple; dressing in a matching white knit sweater and slacks combo with a red, white and green striped scarf, he wasn’t afraid to say to the world, “Hi! I’m Donny Osmond! I taste like spearmint!” Marie made bolder choices in her winter finest with what looks to be a one-piece body suit but, upon closer inspection, turns out to be a sweater and stretch pants that are just slightly different shades of green. What makes this episode so memorable costume-wise is the fact that the entire Osmond family was featured –Mother, Father, the small army of twenty-eight that is the rest of their immediate family– and they all match. I’m not sure who was in charge of coordinating outfits for that episode, but my hat certainly is off.

Another interesting costume extravaganza was the episode in which Marie celebrated her 18th birthday. In this episode, Marie and Donny sing their familiar weekly number, “I’m A Little BIt Country, I’m A Little Bit Rock-and-Roll”, but this time — gasp! — they switch lyrics! That’s right! And what kind of dramatic turn events would it be without ridiculous costumes. Both Donny and Marie sport matching silver outfits. Donny has a faux-western theme going on, while Marie looks like she just got back from touring with David Bowie. Marie also has an enormous new hairdo or, as Donny refers to it, a “hair don’t.”

Donny and Marie didn’t stop at matching scarves and silver jumpsuits, though. In one episode, Donny portrays a superhero character known as Captain Purple, wearing an oversized purple muscle suit and wig and, as his mild-mannered alter-ego, a flannel suit. Not to be outdone, Marie suits up herself as Gnidder Neleh (Helen Redding spelled backward) in an equally campy red-orange mini-skirt and wig.

Star Wars being the cultural phenomenon that it was, it only made sense that Donny and Marie would have to do a parody of it. Donny plays Luke and Marie plays Leia with such guest stars as Redd Fox, Kris Kristofferson, Paul Lynde, and a few of the Osmond brothers. The costumes were polished, Osmond-style variations of the originals; unfortunately, C-3PO ends up stealing the show.

The best costumes of the entire series, however, belong to the famous Wizard of Oz episode. Marie plays Dorothy in a red checkered dress and pigtails, Donny is a Willy Wonka-esque Wizard in a yellow-green, curly wig and sparkling fez hat, and Paul Lynde is a downright terrifying Wicked Witch of the West in full green face paint, black gown and gruesome fingernails. Additional victims…err, guests…of this episode include Lucille Ball as the Tin Man, Paul Williams as the Cowardly Lion and Ray Bolger as the Scarecrow. The entire production is technicolor bizarre; the epitome of classic Donny and Marie.

While the show did indeed host a laundry list of Hollywood greats, the real stars weren’t the people on the stage but the clothes on the people. From platform shoes and bellbottoms to capes and ice skates, Donny and Marie weren’t afraid to let their clothes pick up where their own talent left off. And while some may find The Donny & Marie Show silly and outdated, one thing is for sure; there hasn’t been anything like it on television since. Wardrobe-wise, that is.

Article submitted by Ben Anton, 2008