CatholicLove.com: Blog

We Are a People of Hope

2020-04-09T10:21:00.001-06:00

Wow, what an amazing turn of events over the last few months or more.

Pope Francis has called us to pray for the Church in China for this month's intention. Our brothers and sisters there are suffering in silence since virtually nothing gets in or out of the country without the Communist Party's approval (think Great Firewall of China).

We here in the West are essentially shut in with little to no direction on what the future holds.

Many of us have no more income to pay for our rent, mortgage, loans, food, and utilities.

And yet, we are a People of Hope.

We have had, and have, an opportunity to spend time at the foot of the Cross. To truly live our Lent!

We can take this time to be stripped of all distractions, worries, and things while there. To be still and listen to what the Holy Spirit has to say. To take in the desert and all of its hidden beauty.

It is in this silence that we can discover that we are truly valuable to Him Who Loves Us.

Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?
Matthew 6:26

Our Lord goes on to lecture about how God the Father will take care of us no matter what. He finishes with:

… seek first the kingdom [of God] and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.
Matthew 6:33

As a People of Hope, we _believe_ that promise will be fulfilled. We _trust_ Jesus at His Word.

If we don't, then we have work to do to open ourselves up to Him who loves us because He _is_ a Man of His Word. Truly.

Pax,

John Everett

Husband and Father, St. Joseph Held His Own in the Face of Adversity and Death

2020-03-19T12:46:00.001-06:00

When we look to what little we find in the Scripture about Our Lord's Foster Father, we don't find a lot.

But what is there speaks mountains to the heart.

Jesus promises us:

I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18

How deep was St. Joseph's faith that he heard in his heart the whispers to leave Bethlehem given what was coming from Herod: Certain death for the Lord?

Our Lord promises _us_ that He will not leave _us_ orphaned.

Well, here we stand with the world in tumult and uncertainty abounding.

What does it all mean?

While there may be the occasional few that can see the big picture most of us remain in the dark.

Because of that, we must trust in the Lord. We must trust that He will protect us, guide us, and prepare us for whatever comes.

He did with St. Joseph. He will with us.

We need only do the following:

Pray the Rosary daily!

Ponder those mysteries!
Pick up the Scriptures to delve in deeper

Pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet daily
Spend time in quiet meditation listening for Him

This one takes much time and patience
Look to the Fathers and Mothers of the Desert for guidance if need-be
Sit with St. Mary Magdalene in the Garden when the Lord whispered, "Mary" and she recognized Him (John 20:16)

Open the Scriptures and choose the first spot the eyes rest on the pray over
Go to Confession
Adore the Lord

Make a Spiritual Communion

Keep a journal

Since many of us now have a lot of time on our hands, besides the above reach out to loved ones. Reach out and love them. Hug them virtually and spiritually.

And most especially, reconcile with them. Be humble. Make the first steps.

There is no personal hurt greater than the Love of Jesus Christ poured out for us in the Blood and Water from His side. Open the heart, mind, body, and spirit to the cleansing healing He has to offer.

Start with praying for those that hurt us. The Lord and Our Lady will inspire the next steps.

Now is the time for a deepening of prayer as there are many who without faith are terrified and seeking shelter and reassurance that only the Lord can provide.

Let us pray together through the intercession of St. Joseph and Our Lady …

Pax,

John Everett

Feast of St. Joseph

Our Hunger for Love

2020-02-25T11:57:00.001-07:00

How many times do we have a reveal of God the Father expressing His Love for His Son in Scripture? The one that always seems to come to mind is in the Jordan when St. John the Baptist is baptizing Him.

Today's Breviary reading, Tuesday Week III, is from the first letter of St. John:

14 Moreover, we have seen and testify that the Father sent his Son as savior of the world.
15 Whoever acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God remains in him and he in God. 1 John 4:14-15

Jesus is indeed the Son of God and the Lord of our lives (1 Corinthians 12:3).

When contemplating the Father's words of love and pride it draws one out to realize that there is a need within us for same.

Our Love Languages

So many of us have lived with little to no expression of love in our families. Many times there's an assumption that the beloved just "knows" they are loved.

The reality though is nowhere near that.

We need to be loved in the way we are wired for love.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is an excellent way for us to learn how we need to be loved to "feel" it and "know" it.

Gifts
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

Clearly, God the Father expresses His Love in words of affirmation here! ;)

Our Love Tanks

In a sense, we have two Love Tanks:

Space filled by God's Love
Space filled by those that love us

The first can be filled by anything but God's Love while the second may or may not be filled at all.

So where does that leave us with today's reading?

That God, Who is Love, is already resident in us. That we need to trust that He is truly present.

Getting to Know Love

How do we get to know His Presence and Love?

The best way is to receive Him in the Holy Eucharist and take the time to be silent with Him after receiving Him and then after Mass for at least five minutes.

The next best way is to sit with Him in Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament or while He resides in the tabernacle. We need to learn to adore Him and come to silence in mind, body, and spirit for He and His Holy Spirit speak in gentle whispers.

Another is to spend time with Him in the Scriptures or take the time to come to silence for 10-30 minutes each day to learn to listen to him.

Once that first tank starts to fill everything that blocks it from being so will come to light. This is _not_ an easy road to follow.

It requires much patience and perseverance in the face of our wounds, brokenness, and selfishness.

If the pain is such that it can't be handled alone then reach out to a professional. Most cities have Listening Centres where we can drop in and speak with a Psychologist.

Humility. It's required for this journey. Reaching out for help is in tandem with our reaching out to the Lord for His Help!

The Goal

Ultimately, what is the goal?

It is to know and love God and to know His Love for us.

To do so, we must humbly accept His guidance to remove all blocks, bitter roots, unforgiveness, possessions, and anything else that would stand between Him and His Love.

That leads us to the second tank.

For it to start filling _we_ must start to change _our_ ways.

There is no blame game in love only taking responsibility for who we are and what we do.

A start is to learn the Five Love Languages and share them. Work with loved ones to discover their Love Languages, don't be surprised if they are not the same, and work on loving them.

Forgiveness. We need to forgive those who have hurt us just as the Lord does each and every time we turn away from Him in sin.

And finally, the key in all of this is: Love your neighbour _as_ yourself. We can't love and be loved by others if we don't first love ourselves. Don't forget, we also need to _forgive_ ourselves!

So, how do we do that?

The answers are in the Whispers of the Holy Spirit within us and Our Lady's always willing arms of Love. :)

Oh, and visiting the Confessional as often as we need to in order for Our Lord's cleansing Blood and Water to do their work within us.

Pax,

John Everett

Like a Kid in a Candy Store Post Conversion

2020-02-17T12:44:00.001-07:00

This morning's Breviary reading (Monday Week II) is from Jeremiah:

When I found your words, I devoured them;
your words were my joy, the happiness of my heart,
Because I bear your name,
LORD, God of hosts. JEREMIAH 15:16

Around the time of my conversion I was working as a night auditor at one of the bigger hotels in the city.

The audit took a couple of hours though sometimes longer if the bar got a little "busy" outside.

Once finished, there was a lot of time left over. And, it was quiet.

So, out came the Rosary but most especially out came The Catechism Explained by Fr. Francis Spirago. The book was a gift from a Cistercian priest during a stay at his monastery (I spent many a Spring there).

To say that my mind and heart was voracious was an understatement. ;)

Read, pray, study. Read, pray, study.

This was the cycle for most of the first three years or so post conversion.

One Saturday morning near the end of my shift the hotel owner's son and his wife came in the front doors.

Being that it was usually busy I was at the front desk. The previous night's reading, prayer, and study was particularly neat so there was a "glow" if you will. ;)

After the morning pleasantries they walked away and I heard his wife say to him, "What does that guy have to be so happy about?"

… [it is] no longer I, but Christ [who] lives in me. Galatians 2:20

Indeed, as our faith develops and we discover more and more "candy" to dive in to, we can be overly focused on devouring it.

The moment that appetite became tempered was in a discussion with a fellow Catholic Christian about what they were reading at the time. This was probably three years or so from the Easter Vigil.

Their response was, "John, I realized that I needed to start to put into practice everything I was reading. So, I stopped the reading and started to practice it!"

Indeed. :)

SUGGESTION: Take up journaling. It can really help to process everything.

Pax,

John Everett

Be Still and Know … I Love You.

2019-12-02T10:37:00.001-07:00

The second Psalm's quip in this morning's Monday Week I prayer:

The Father's voice proclaimed: "This is my beloved Son" (Matthew 3:17)

How many of us crave those words from our own father? How many of us remain devoid of loving and kind words at all?

Yet, God the Father made it clear that He loves is Son.

So, somehow, it is possible that He loves us too?!?

Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:11)

As one who grew up fatherless that empty space _can_ be filled. To some degree perhaps by one who would become a Foster Father as did happen with me.

But, it takes a lot of patient prayer in the Quiet and also healing before we can hear those whispered words:

You are my beloved son …
You are my beloved daughter …

He must love us! He gave up His only Son to break the bonds of sin and death.

Truly, we need to somehow learn to _believe_ those words and actions and _trust_ that we will not be betrayed by Him, His Son, and His Holy Spirit that resides within us.

That somehow is found in the Mass. It is found in learning to live the Lord's Sacrifice on the Altar and receiving His Body and Blood as often as we can.

It is also found in the Sacrament of Reconciliation/Confession. When we open our heart to the Most Precious Blood that pours down upon us in absolution after we confess our sins, we call it "Soul Laundry" in our family, we can be healed and our blinders/blind spots peeled away.

We have the tools. We just need to use them! :)

Pax,

John Everett

In the Face of Persecution

2019-11-27T11:39:00.001-07:00

We have so many stories of men and women who have gone before us giving the ultimate sacrifice: Their lives.

We named one of our sons after such a one: Maximillian Kolbe.

Breviary Wednesday, Week II Morning Prayer quip for Psalm 97:

This psalm foretells a world-wide salvation and that peoples of all nations will believe in Christ (Saint Athanasius).

Then, our reading for this morning:

35 What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?
36 As it is written:
“For your sake we are being slain all the day;
we are looked upon as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37 No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us.
38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things,* nor future things, nor powers,
39 nor height, nor depth,* nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35-39

Today, it seems, we stand on the cusp of history repeating itself. It is said that one ignores one's history at one's own peril and sure enough, today that is very true.

And yet, we know that somehow no matter what happens that our Lord embraces us. He gives us all we need to face any moment with courage and hope.

With the prayers of Our Lady, the Martyrs, and the strength Our Lord gives us we shall triumph. If not in this life, definitely the next!

Our prayers go out to all of our Christian Brothers and Sisters facing the Martyrdom of Blood and/or White Martyrdom in the day to day.

Pax,

John Everett

Where We Belong and Why We’re Here

2019-11-04T12:24:00.001-07:00

Each Psalm and Canticle in the Breviary has a little quip at the start.

Today’s quip, from the first Psalm Monday, Week III is the following:

For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the one that is to come. Heb 13:14

Psalm 84 is the first prayer of the morning the quip is tied to.

Blessed the man who finds refuge in you,
in their hearts are pilgrim roads.
As they pass through the Baca valley,^*
they find spring water to drink.
The early rain covers it with blessings.
They will go from strength to strength^*
and see the God of gods on Zion. Psalm 84: 6-8

Lately, with all of the political angst going on here in North America and abroad, and thus the requisite distractions as part of discernment, it' seems that we’ve come to lose sight of the “why” we’re here.

In many cases we’re being told that we are no longer relevant and should have no voice in the Public Square.

So, _why_ are we here?

We know that our ultimate home is with the Lord. The above makes that pretty clear.

But, what about the _here_?

We tend to make things so very complicated.

But the reality is really quite simple:

To Love
To Be Loved

The quip for the second Psalm is apt:

A new theme now inspires their praise of God; they belong to the lamb Rev 14:3

Indeed. We belong to Him Who first Loved Us. Loved us into existence. Then, Loved us into Redemption.

Our response should be simple: To love, and allow ourselves to be loved.

Pax! :)

John Everett

Feast of St. Charles Borromeo

The Heart of Stone

2019-10-09T10:08:00.001-06:00

We've started praying the Liturgy of the Hours morning and evening prayer as part of a discernment process Lucille and I are going through.

There are times when it's so mundane, almost painful, that it becomes an offering out of love and duty.

Sometimes, there is a moment where clarity ensues and somehow the Holy Spirit can get a message through the stone into the softer parts of the heart. ;)

Yesterday morning's reading, Tuesday Week III, was from the first letter of Saint John 4:12-15:

12 No one has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us.

13 This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us, that he has given us of his Spirit.

14 Moreover, we have seen and testify that the Father sent his Son as savior of the world.

15 Whoever acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God remains in him and he in God.

The reading reminds me of St. Paul in 1st Corinthians 12:3:

...[N]o one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the holy Spirit.

God in us ...

I'm not sure about you, but one thing that became pretty clear while meditating on that reading was my heart being more a rock than solid flesh. :(

Why?

Because, the reality stated above, that is God in us, has not really registered in my stony heart.

St. Anthony of the Desert, St. Bruno, St. Teresa of Avila, and St. John of the Cross come to mind and heart of folks who managed to allow the Lord's Blood and Water to slowly cleanse away the stone leaving a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).

So much to learn and let go of. ;)

Pax,

John Everett
Feast of Denis, Bishop and Martyr, and Companions, Martyrs

Morning Prayer Offereing

2017-10-16T12:03:00.001-06:00

The following is the first thing I do every morning before proceeding into the day.

Start and end with the Sign of the Cross.

Consecration to Our Lady - Short Form

Queen of the Most Holy Rosary
I renew my consecration to you and to your Immaculate Heart this day.
Please accept me my dear mother
And use me as you wish to accomplish your designs upon the world.
I'm all yours my Mother and my Queen
And all that I have is yours!
Amen.

Consecration to Our Lord

Oh my Jesus
Through the Immaculate Heart of Mary
I offer you all of my prayers, works, joys, and sufferings of this day.
For all the intentions of Your Most Sacred Heart
In union with the Most Holy Sacrifice of the Mass throughout the world
In reparation for all of our sins
And, for the intentions of the Holy Father this month.
Amen.

Hail Mary

Hail Mary, full of grace the Lord is with you
Blessed are you among women
And blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus
Holy Mary
Mother of God
Pray for us sinners now
And at the hour of our death.
Amen.

St. Michael Prayer

St. Michael the Archangel
Defend us in this day of battle.
Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares for the Devil.
May God rebuke him we humbly pray
And do you oh prince of the heavenly host
By the Divine Power of God
Cast into Hell Satan and all evil spirits
That prowl about the world for the ruination of souls.
Amen.

Conclusion

I conclude with a short silent contemplation then:
Thank you Jesus!
I love you Jesus!

Pax,

John E.

We're Here! :)

2014-08-26T15:59:00.002-06:00

We are still kicking, just really busy with our family life, home schooling, and business.

We lost our site to a script attack of some sort a while back with our backups being somewhat corrupt.

We've managed to salvage the content to some degree. Now, it is just a matter of finding the time to put it all back together and post it somewhere.

Pax,

John

Dominic: Our Little Intercessor from Above

2011-12-27T22:03:00.001-07:00

From the beginning, when we lost Dominic through late miscarriage in October of 2010, I have always thought of him as our little Saint in heaven.

For some reason, many people refer to babies dying within the womb as angels. I believe this is a misrepresentation of who our child is within the womb. Angels are angels. They are messengers of God. They are not human.

I think Dominic and all babies who die within the womb can be ‘compared’ to an angel because they do send us a message like our heavenly angels do. In other words, they can act like a messenger so to speak.

Since a few months ago, I have been writing in a journal dedicated to Dominic. I write letters to him almost every day.

A couple of weeks ago, our oldest son woke up with a very stiff neck. Right away, I thought it was rather odd. I thought about calling for a doctor’s appointment but instead, I decided to wait and see thinking he may have just slept the wrong way. Later that same day, I took his temperature and he had a high fever.

We realized that there was a need to take him in to get his condition checked. Thankfully, the doctor did not think it was meningitis but requested blood tests just to be on the safe side.

Before going to bed, I wrote to Dominic in my journal. I wrote asking Dominic to ask Jesus to help his brother get better. The next morning Raymond had no fever but his neck was still pretty stiff. Raymond told me that he had a dream. He said Dominic was in his dream and he had fluffy, curly hair. I asked him if Dominic talked to him. He said he did not remember but a little later he said that Dominic told him, “I love you” in his dream.

I thought wow, coincidence? No, I believe this is not a coincidence. Did Dominic really intercede for us? Yes, I believe he did. I told this to a family member who said he has asked for Dominic’s intercession as well and whatever he asked for was granted.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church talks more in detail about the communion of saints and more specifically, the intercession of the saints. In regards to the intercession of the saints, the CCC stated:

Being more closely united to Christ, those who dwell in heaven fix the whole Church more firmly in holiness… They do not cease to intercede with the Father for us, as they proffer the merits which they acquired on earth through the one mediator between God and men, Christ Jesus… So by their fraternal concern is our weakness greatly helped.

Furthermore, the CCC added, “Do not weep, for I shall be more useful to you after my death and I shall help you then more effectively than during my life” (p. 205).

The latter are two very powerful statements. They can truly be consoling to those who are grieving a loss of a loved one.

I am so proud of our little Saint in heaven. We miss him terribly yet what a gift God has given us in his short life here on earth.

Lucille Everett

Our Second Christmas without Dominic

2011-12-26T16:33:00.001-07:00

Last year, we spent our first Christmas without the baby we lost through miscarriage at almost 18 weeks gestation. Like many around this time of year, instead of being a joyful event, Christmas turns into a burden that we don’t necessarily fully look forward to but instead dread.

Grief overpowered me last year and this year it was still there at a different level. As much as I desired my heart to be more joyful this time of year, my heart just was what it was because someone was missing. People have many different ways of dealing with grief. Some may choose to ignore it or deny it, some may set it aside, some may resort to bitterness and anger, and some choose to deal with it head on. How do you deal with grief?

The neat thing is that even though we may be stuck in grief, it is difficult to ignore the fact that Jesus is now with us as a baby spreading peace all over the world. Mary desires with all her heart for us to touch him and hold him. He is the Saviour of the world. She wants us to draw near to him and weep with joy.

Before Christmas, I was drawn to listen to an old cassette I bought on one of my two trips to Medjugorje. The cassette is called “The Story of a Wounded Womb” by Sister Emmanuel. One of the things that Sister Emmanuel talks about is about a man she met who was in deep distress and hopeless. His life was on the brink of being turned upside down. This man was in Medjugorje, received a tape about a man named Albert who made a deal with Our Lady. The deal was he would give all of his burdens to Our Lady and in return he would pray for Our Lady’s intentions.

He met Sister Emmanuel and told her about all of his hardships. He said he was going to give Our Lady all of his problems. The next day, he was looking for Sister Emmanuel to talk to her before leaving. He was weeping for joy because he prayed for hours for Our Lady’s intentions with his heart. He told Sister Emmanuel that he received a telegram saying he got his job back after being fired. His wife did not want a divorce anymore and his health was not so serious as to require surgery.

What would happen if we all gave Our Lady our burdens? In exchange, what if we prayed for all of Our Lady’s intentions? Perhaps we can start with, “Mary, I give my burdens to you and I will offer up this rosary for your intentions…” Amen.

Merry Christmas everyone!

May God richly bless you and give you the graces you need to deal with all of your burdens.

Lucille Everett

9 months after 17 week Miscarriage

2011-12-13T22:09:00.001-07:00

I wrote this in July of this year but I am posting it now with a few changes:

I last posted on this subject in January so it has been a while. A lot of growing has been happening since then and the pain in my heart has softened some from being rock hard so there is some improvement. I am smiling more and actually laughing sometimes. I am really learning more and more to be more present to my children and husband. Catherine Doherty liked to call it the duty of the moment. For me, sometimes the duty of the moment means soaking in what my children are saying and really listen to what they are saying for example. It is so easy as parents to sometimes say, “Uh huh, uh huh”, when we seem to hear some things over and over.

Another big area I am growing in since our losing our tiny baby Dominic at 17 weeks is trust in God and in the people around me. Ironically, as I was reading an excerpt from my journal, in July of 2010, I wrote something that my husband John had told me. He told me that in order for me to go in the next room of my spiritual growth, I need to take a leap of faith. I need to let go of all the things that cling or stick to me re: wounds from the past. He further said that the next room for me involves abandoning myself to him and to God thus letting myself fall back, wait and trust that someone will catch me on the other side.

I elaborated and wrote that it is much easier for me or anyone to act or operate according to what my wounds are saying rather than facing my fears of a wound being touched and then to embrace the suffering if it comes.

John then suggested meditating on the gospel of John when Jesus was arrested. In this gospel, Jesus makes it clear to the soldier’s that He is going by His own will to suffer for our sins. He had total trust.

This Gospel reading also reminds me of the total trust and obedience of Abraham when asked to sacrifice his only Son. The story of Abraham is the perfect pre re-enactment of the future death of Jesus but without the death of Abraham’s son Isaac. For Abraham it was the ultimate test of which he passed with flying colors. He loved and total trust in God. Are we able and willing to trust God to this extreme?

The Divine Mercy Chaplet has been a daily practice for us since losing Dominic. I wrote how this came about in a previous post. “Jesus, I trust in You!” is what it says below the Divine Mercy Image. I believe the more we say this prayer, the more Jesus is teaching us about trust and His Infinite Mercy.

Lord, Have Mercy on Us! Help us and teach us how to trust in you completely.

Tenderness and the Heart Broken Open

2011-05-08T21:10:00.001-06:00

St. Monica prayed and waited for the conversion of her son, St. Augustine, for _decades_. We look to her for perseverance in prayer no matter the cost.

When a deep conversion and eventual release of the heart takes place in one that we love it can be very tempting to want to draw this new experience of the other’s heart out as much as possible and as soon as possible.

However, just as it is when one has not eaten for a very long time and we must patiently eat very small portions, we must be patient and tender with our beloved and wait at their side during the process of the heart’s opening.

If we rush things we can end up causing our beloved’s heart to close back up and withdraw. Or, we may get lost in our selfish desire to open that heart up all the quicker.

Where is this coming from? Well, we all know that to a lessor or greater extent we all have our history of being hurt with the possibility of developing some very elaborate defenses and coping mechanisms depending on how extreme things were.

One of the most difficult things for those of us that have been deeply wounded in the past after getting married and living with that one person day after day is to let go and totally trust our spouse.

To let go so thoroughly that the heart is completely revealed to the other . . . nothing is held back. The ultimate in vulnerability.

Now, given that our spouse probably has their own history to deal with, again with protection mechanisms and coping mechanisms, it becomes all the harder to open up our heart to the other and be _totally_ vulnerable with them.

I mean, how could we since we sense that there is something within their own heart that they are holding back?

Yet our Lord makes it so clear through St. Paul in Ephesians 5 that we as men are called to do just that _over and over and over and over again_!

We are called to make continual sacrifices on behalf of our wife and child(ren). We are called to forgo our own pains, struggles, and selfish hurts to be totally vulnerable _to them_.

If we lose sight of our calling to be completely open and sacrificing our lives for our wife then we miss the opportunity to make an offer of love for her healing.

Day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year . . . just as St. Monica made continual sacrifice and prayer for her son we offer our sacrifices to the Lord through Our Lady for our wife.

In the end, after all of that, the Lord may pleasantly surprise both of us with an amazing gift of healing that produces an openness of the heart that is gift beyond all imagination.

Indeed, there is Resurrection after the Passion and Death on the Cross!

John Everett

Memorial of the Apparition Michael the Archangel

Catholic Saints of the Day

Working on My to do list: Part 2

2011-04-15T06:41:00.000-06:00

The following poem was another piece of writing that I was inspired to write last June/2010. It was inspired in part by an excerpt of a talk by a priest named Father Larry Richards. Here it is:

I’ve come to set you free,

Come confess with me.

I’ve come to set you free,

Come adore me.

Let me cover your sins, your wounds with My Most Precious Blood.

Let me deliver you from this flood.

Walk on the water,

Come follow me.

I will guide you,

To the place

I want you to be.

Let me lead your heart.

Let us not break apart.

Lucille Everett

Working on My To do list: Part 1

2011-04-13T21:38:00.001-06:00

The following words came to me in June/2010. I finally decided to stop procrastinating and post these words that were inspired while listening to an instrumental piece of music from the “Fireproof” soundtrack. Here it is:

Come Holy Spirit,

Rain down on me

With all your might,

With all your strength,

Pour forth into the most deepest depths of my wounds.

Purify me oh Lord,

Cleanse me from my sin.

Mother Mary carry my wounds

Gently to your Son.

“Pour forth, we beseech thee, O Lord,

Thy grace into our hearts,

That we, to whom the Incarnation of Christ, Thy Son,

Was made known by the message of an angel,

May by His passion and cross be brought to the glory of His resurrection,

Through the same Christ Our Lord.” (Taken from the Angelus prayer)

Fill me with your most precious blood

Let it flow,

Let your redemption grow.

Together, we will bring my wounds

To your most Holy Cross.

Let my suffering be united to yours

For my salvation and for the worlds.

Let my suffering not be Your loss.

Lucille Everett

There Is Someone Missing – The First Christmas After Miscarriage

2011-01-03T22:00:00.001-07:00

There was definitely something off this Christmas.

Neither Lucille or I had any idea how things would happen on the day of Christ’s Birth. On several occasions she mentioned that her heart was not really into it while mine was somewhere between numb and seemingly absent.

We managed to celebrate Christmas but things were pretty subdued. We did enjoy the kid’s reactions to their gifts and our own but indeed something, no _someone_, was missing in the midst of it all.

We know that Dominic is with the Lord and through the Communion of the Saints that he is with us too, but we missed being able to “touch” him while here in Lucille’s womb. We missed his presence deeply.

Dominic’s absence this Christmas was very much a parallel to God’s apparent absence of late. It is time for me, it seems, to hang on the Cross with Our Lord and share in His “My God, my God why have you forsaken me!?!” moment (Matthew 27:45).

Yet, somewhere in the midst of this numb heart is a hope that the Lord is indeed holding our little one close to His Heart, but at times it sure can be difficult to find that hope.

Our Lady of Sorrows pray for us.

John Everett

Blessed Peter Thomas

Catholic Saints of the Day

Grieving During the Christmas Season

2010-12-16T23:10:00.001-07:00

I honestly cannot describe the feelings I am having this Advent. I’ve had visions of just going away at Christmas and escaping all the hustle and bustle. I have never not looked forward to Christmas. I grew up in a happy Catholic family when Christmas was peaceful and always a blessing.

When John and I were married, I carried that same joy and openness of heart with John and our kids. John did not share these same happy experiences around the Christmas season so approaching Christmas with John has sometimes been marked with struggle because of John’s past. Now, I can certainly understand a lot better how Christmas can be a real burden for some people.

So, how do we open our hearts and prepare ourselves for Our Saviour in the manger? How do we open our hearts to feel joy and peace instead of numbness, sadness, and a feeling of wanting to escape the festivities?

Recently we watched a movie called Call me Mrs. Miracle. It was a really wholesome movie that centers around a father and son as well as a little boy from a different family whose mother had died. I won’t go too much into detail in case the opportunity arises to watch the movie but essentially the father (owner of a successful department store) ends up finally celebrating Christmas with his son after 20 years of escaping Christmas by flying to another location. The father was finally convinced his wife (who died 20 years previous) would want him to celebrate Christmas in her honour.

It is a big hurdle to say, “Hey, I can celebrate Christmas and not feel guilty for being joyful when we’ve suffered such a loss of someone we love dearly.” Perhaps the answer is found in the gift of Jesus born on Christmas day. We still need to do our best to prepare our heart this Advent by going to confession, adoration, Mass, daily prayer of the rosary (even if just a decade) . . . And then, we need to wait.

We need to wait patiently and prepare for the PROMISED SAVIOUR as did the descendants of Abraham right through to St. John the Baptist. Jesus will speak to us and he will answer our prayers, embrace our sorrows, and take them to God our Father as an offering of love for the world.

We homeschool our children and one thing that Jesus is teaching me along side my daughter in grade 1 is explained in our religion curriculum (Faith and Life Series) which includes “the three things necessary to attain happiness in Heaven: to know God, love God and serve God” …

From the curriculum (Teacher’s Manual page 42):

a. Know God : To pay attention and study hard in religion class, to read the scriptures, to listen well to the readings and homilies at Mass

b. Love God: To receive the Sacraments of Penance (Confession) and Holy Communion when old enough, to pray reverently at home, in the classroom, and at Mass, or during a visit to the Blessed Sacrament

c. Serve God: To be obedient to parents and teachers, to be helpful both at home and at school, to share toys, to be kind to others.”

Now, during this Advent season which finds my heart filled with more pain than with joy, one of my prayers is: “Jesus, help me to know, love and serve you better”.

That’s it.

Simple eh?

Lucille Everett

Help for those who have had an abortion or thinking about an abortion

2010-12-10T22:09:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, I fell upon this very interesting book at our local chapel. The book is called Return of the Children by: John Regan. This book is a very easy read. I honestly could not put it down. I read almost half of it in one time stretch. After three visits to the Blessed Sacrament, I had finished reading it. It truly did captivate me and it really brings to light the awesome gift of love and forgiveness of God.

Sunday is the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, PRAY FOR US!

Reaching out: Do I sink or stay afloat?

2010-12-06T23:57:00.001-07:00

About 1 week prior to the miscarriage, a lady from church gave a picture of Jesus in the Divine Mercy to hang on our wall. Apparently someone was trying to give it to someone else but she was not Catholic so it was given to us. I was perplexed to say the least. Why is this stranger giving me this picture while I am praying in the Blessed Sacrament chapel? Now I think, perhaps it is a sign for me to learn more about the Divine Mercy. Perhaps it is a call to Trust in His Divine Mercy at a greater level.

The first few weeks after the miscarriage definitely tested my ability to reach out. John mentioned how painful it can be to reach out (previous blog post). When we are going through any trial that causes suffering, reaching out can mean the difference between sinking or staying above water.

Yet, I somehow worked up the courage to reach out to other people who had gone through a late miscarriage or knew of someone who had. It was painful and unnatural for me to reach out, but I had to admit to myself that I could not keep floating above water on my own. I needed other peoples hands to help keep me above water. I needed to talk about my struggles to others who truly cared and understood my pain. I can be very independent so having to almost admit my defeat, my powerlessness over the miscarriage and its effects took one of the biggest leaps of faith I have ever had to take.

“Many parents have feelings of losing control when they express the normal feelings and emotions of grief: they may feel like they are “going crazy” because of the thoughts that plague them about their baby” (Maternal Child Nursing Care, 1998, p. 555).

Almost 2 weeks after the miscarriage, I was in the midst of a very long anxiety attack. I felt like I was below water sinking like I have never sunk before. All John could do was hold me, listen to me, and tell me to look at the picture we have by our bed of Peter reaching out to Jesus walking on the water after he realized that he himself was walking on the water (Matthew 14, 22-33). The more I thought about the picture, the more I realized that just thinking about the picture was not helping. Little did I realize that somehow I needed to make an act of the will. But how?

As I kept breathing in and out, my anxiety did not improve. In my helplessness, I finally told John that I needed extra help and asked John to call our local Health Care Access number. The nurse on the line talked to me and finally directed me to someone who was trained to talk me out of my anxiety attack. Later, the anxiety subsided . . . but slowly. I needed to trust. I needed to trust in myself and in Jesus. I needed to keep affirming myself with these different statements: “I’ll be ok, I am going to make it through, this is normal”.

Reaching out to others is one thing but reaching out to my husband and my children was the most important thing for me to do. Our children can only do so much since they are so young but simply telling them that I was sad and asking them to pray for me was a form of reaching out.

Reaching out to my husband was not as difficult as it normally might have been perhaps if the miscarriage would have happened earlier in our marriage. Through our eight years of marriage, we have grown to predict quite well our different patterns of behaviour, turning inward for example, if there was a problem. Because of the growth in our marriage, I was able to make a conscious decision that I was going to show my vulnerability and keep my heart open to John. I would do my best to be as open as possible in the sorrow, struggles, and pain resulting from the miscarriage.

John’s strong presence and strength were a big reason why I stayed afloat for the last month or so. He was particularly present during the first few weeks after we lost Dominic. I tried my best to work up the courage to talk very openly about my thoughts, and to allow myself to cry whenever I needed to cry. For me, these acts were all important in the the beginning of the healing process since my greatest temptation was to crawl into a cocoon and feel sorry for myself.

Lucille Everett

Breaking Out Of Grief’s Grips

2010-12-05T18:48:00.001-07:00

Really, there is nothing more that can be done other than reaching out . . . as painful as that can be.

Yes, even during those times when the depression is so intense, there is nothing more in my vision than dark clouds, emptiness of heart, and absolutely no energy. When this happens, even smiling, playing around with the kids, or trying to spend time opening up to Lucille are key to breaking the hold the depression has.

There are only two ways that things can go when we experience something so traumatic as the loss of a child.

Growing Together

The first, and hopefully the path chosen, is to work as hard as possible to be supportive of each other. We, Lucille and I, did that by making sure that despite our own pain and suffering that we remained present to one another.

In the first weeks after the loss of Dominic my responsibility was to support Lucille as best as I could. That meant that to some extent my own grieving was put on hold. But, it was absolutely imperative for my grieving to be held back as Lucille really needed me.

During the initial weeks there were opportunities for us to cry together though I still held onto much of my grief to make sure that I was attentive to Lucille’s needs.

As things progressed we found that our relationship was growing stronger in a way that we had never expected. We kept working at supporting each other, being present to each other, and watching out for each other and still do to this day.

Despite the circumstances, our relationship has indeed grown closer together.

Breaking Apart

The other way things can go is for our relationship to fracture. There were times when I totally withdrew from Lucille, held back, did not allow her in, and walled up my heart from everything and everyone.

If I continued down that road there could have been a very distinct possibility that our relationship would have broken up and I would have been the primary reason for it.

In fact there were times when I was so buried in my grief that my fight or flight reflex was on the verge of flight mode. I _wanted_ to run away.

Prayer provided no consolation with my heart feeling like a hardened rock in my chest. Being around anyone was painful.

The Test

Once we buried Dominic I found that I could let go but it still took a while for me to open up to Lucille. Listening to music (previous blog post) really helped with the opening up process as has spending time adoring Jesus exposed at a local Archdiocesan adoration chapel . . . though my heart still feels like a lump of concrete.

Together we faced an amazing test of our relationship, our love for each other, our communication skills, and most especially our faith in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Lucille and I made a tangible decision to be present to each other and to support each other. We also had the force of our wills following through on that decision plus we had the momentum of the Sacramental Grace of Marriage behind us too.

On top of that, Dominic has been very present to us in so many different ways since the beginning of the pregnancy. His prayer is indeed powerful and the graces his prayer brings about are only now starting to be revealed.

So, once we are further down the road of healing we will be able to look back prayerfully and see the many graces and blessings that we have shared in.

Hopefully we have indeed passed “The Test” and this portion of our lives written in the Lamb’s Book of Life (Rev. 20:12) will stand up to scrutiny.

Our Lady of Sorrows pray for us.

Saint Dominic pray for us.

John Everett

Saint John the Wonder Worker

Catholic Saints of the Day

Our Little Miniature White Rose, Rose up to Heaven

2010-12-01T23:31:00.001-07:00

It has been a very long time since I have posted. I had been working on an article for the website on suffering. Ironically, the article included a story about a mom we met who lost her teenage child over a year ago. Now, I am writing this post to relate a similar story but this time, I am the mother who has lost a child, our beautiful 17 1/2 week old who died within the womb. This is our story:

Not long before, October 26, 2010 our miniature white rose plant in the kitchen bloomed one single beautiful miniature white rose, the tallest stem on the plant. On October 26, 2010 our lives changed.

Early in the wee hours of the morning, we suddenly miscarried our little 17 week old baby. Before the paramedics came, I kept thinking, “No!… No!…. Lord, You can’t take my baby! I can’t believe this is happening. My water is not suppose to break now!”

The positive result on an old amniotic fluid stick from our second pregnancy confirmed that I was truly in labour. I did not want to let go of the baby but my worst fears were about to come true as I stood up to lie on the stretcher.

I did not want to get off the bed. I wanted to stay there. Once I stood up, our little baby came out. I yelled to John who was in the next room, “The baby came out!”. I will never forget the numbness at looking at our child still attached to me lying on the stretcher with all the fingers and toes the size of a Barbie’s fingers and toes.

Earlier that morning, I remember tapping on John’s head, saying, “Something is wrong, something is coming out. John immediately knew he needed to get some Holy water to baptize our baby just in case. And this is what he did as soon as he got back in the room.

From then on, it felt as if everything was in slow motion. We arranged for someone to come look after the kids. The ambulance brought John and I to the hospital, and the emergency room was actually unusually quiet. They hooked me up on IV’s. The emergency doctor finally came to examine me.

Eventually, he asked John if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord, so he did. I had a closer look at our baby but I was still so in shock, it was difficult to savour the moment as I looked at him in the kidney basin the doctor had put him in.

I now regret not picking up that kidney basin and just holding him. Since the placenta had not come out yet, I was still haemorrhaging … a lot. My obstetrician was actually on call that morning performing a C-section up in the OR. That was a miracle in itself since my doctor is on hospital rounds only once a week.

One nurse was kind enough to ask if we would like a chaplain to come in. We agreed and they were a great support with their prayers, presence, and resource information. The chaplain also got our parish priest to come and give communion. We were very thankful for that.

Finally, my obstetrician arrived about 5 or 6 hours after our arrival at the hospital. Prior to that, the nurse prepared me for a possible blood transfusion since my blood pressure became quite low. I was so relieved to see my doctor. She knew exactly what to do to help me expel the placenta.

Later in the day, the ultrasound showed no tissue in the uterus so we were able to go home without having to go to OR for a D&C and no need for a blood transfusion. Praise be to God. Our prayers were answered in that regard. My only real regret though was that I wished I would have asked to hold our baby before we left the hospital. With everything that happened, and being so tired I didn’t even think of it.

When we turned the corner to leave the hospital, my heavy empty heart sank. The reality that we were leaving our baby behind in the hospital really set in. I couldn’t stop sobbing. The reality of our baby being out of my body so early set in even more.

Once we finally got home, the reality of having to tell the kids what happened pierced my heart. As my husband and I drove in the driveway, I got out of the truck, numb, shocked, and pale. I just stood there looking at my kids looking at me through the front door window and our middle child playing in the snow outside.

I slowly walked up to the garage door weeping before entering. As I got the courage to open the door, there sat John’s Dad on the couch looking at me intently with loving eyes. After spending a little time with the kids, I needed to find a name for the baby. I started to look up the names of the Saints that day on the computer. John and I later decided on Dominic or Dominique since we were not totally sure of the gender of the baby at that point.

After over 2 weeks of waiting (Dominic(que) needed to be sent to pathology for examination), once all the arrangements were finalized, we finally had a little private Mass offered in the basement of our house, then off we went to the cemetery where the Knights of Columbus had a special location to bury miscarried babies. We were so thankful for that. We feel at peace to know that we have a special place for our baby and a place to go if we ever feel the need to be with Dominic(que) at the cemetery.

When all is said and done, after looking at our baby while at the hospital John and I could tell that we had a boy even though pathology said the gender was undetermined. The Knights of Columbus will engrave the name of our baby, “Dominic Jacob Everett”.

Dominic, I know you rest in peace in perfect happiness forever in heaven till we meet again, my precious child.

My husband encouraged me to write and now I want to write more reflections on the spiritual, psychological, and physical aspects of miscarriage.

A few days ago, I cut down our miniature white rose from the plant as it was starting to dry up after over a month of being in bloom. I truly believe this was a gift for us from heaven as we grieved the loss of our beloved baby Dominic.

Lucille Everett

In the Midst of Grieving, Music

2010-11-27T17:24:00.001-07:00

A couple of months ago, Lucille and I caught the first hour or so of the movie Titanic on TV. Lucille has seen it a few times while I have not seen it yet.

There is something about Celine Dion’s song My Heart Will Go On which is associated with Titanic that has totally hooked into my heart while grieving the loss of Dominic.

Every time, and I mean _every time_ I hear the song I break into tears.

There are some timeless truths about love spoken in the song.

Despite the shortness of Dominic’s life within the womb my heart and his are bound as a father’s and a son’s hearts should be.

The love that I have for my son Dominic is no different than the love that I have for our children here with us in this life.

It is near the end of the song (~3:40 Min) where the reality of our love breaks through the pain and suffering of losing him:

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

We will _stay forever this way_ as father and son. I trust that Dominic stands before the Throne of God appealing to Him on our behalf.

And, indeed he is safe here in my heart as is Lucille and our children.

Our Lady of Sorrows pray for us.

John Everett

Saint Josaphat - Hermit

Catholic Saints of the Day

When We Miscarriage, A Husband And Father Grieves Too

2010-11-26T22:41:00.001-07:00

The old saying goes, “Hindsight is 20/20”. Though introspection and looking back can only go so far in the process of grieving and healing.

It is quite obvious that I as a husband and father will not grieve in the same way as Lucille does over the loss of Dominic.

However, _I do grieve the loss_ of our child. Though, I could not spend much time in any state of grieving during the first two to three weeks after losing Dominic as I needed to be Lucille’s anchor in the midst of the trauma and pain of loss.

Kimberly Hahn in her book Life-Giving Love dedicates a whole chapter to Miscarriage and Stillbirth (Chapter 10). Lucille handed the book to me and suggested that I read it not long after we buried Dominic as that is when I started to let go and allow the grief to consume me.

Kimberly talks about some of the emotions that we can expect as we grieve (pg. 254):

Shock or disbelief
Feeling overwhelmed or numb
Deep sadness
Guilt toward ourselves
Blame toward God or others
Anger
Depression to the point where it is difficult to function
Relief

As much as I tried to be Lucille’s pillar of strength there were days where I was almost completely catatonic. The empty hollow feeling inside was so intense as to consume every ounce of energy just remaining somewhat present to Lucille and the kids all the while just lying there.

It has been a very long time since I have experienced a depression of that intensity. The past depressions were due to the intense trauma of the abuse I went through. This depression is entirely due to my feeling utterly helpless in the face of Lucille’s pain, our children’s pain, and my own pain.

The numbness has been just as intense. As much as I clamoured to embrace the Cross, to hold onto the Lord’s moment of utter loss (Matt 27:46) while hanging on the Cross, there was no consolation to be found in the midst of my grief. Though an image of the Pieta (Bing Image Search), that is Our Lady holding her dead Son after being taken down from the Cross, has been a source of comfort as Lucille and I can surely relate to her pain and loss.

It would be so easy to allow the anger to consume me to and walk away from my faith and deny Him Who Loves me. There have been times where putting a bridle on the anger has been extremely difficult. I am fortunate in that I can head over to our shop and allow some of it to be vented there without worrying about scaring Lucille or the kids.

There have been times though where I did cross the line with my anger. Fortunately, we can talk about what happened and I can and do apologise to Lucille and/or the kids when it did.

Even now, a month later, there are more down days than there are up days. Today was a very down day for all of us.

We parents are not wired to lose our children. Our parents, yes, we can deal with the grief. But there is something about losing one of our children that just rips our heart to shreds.

Our Lady of Sorrows pray for us.

John Everett

Blessed Hugh Taylor - Martyr

Catholic Saints of the Day

Anatomy of a Miscarriage at 17 Weeks

2010-11-25T23:53:00.001-07:00

Lucille and I lost our little one about 17 weeks into our fourth pregnancy. It has been a fairly rough ride since it happened late last month though we are starting to gain some level ground . . . at least to some degree.

Our little Dominic was definitely an Everett through and through!

He was about four to five inches crown to rump.
He had that unmistakable button nose that all of our children share.
His arms and legs had fully formed hands and feet.
His eyes were still sealed and his ear flaps were as well.
He had a bump . . . though this is not conclusive as far as his gender was concerned Lucille and I had a heart felt need to accept him as a male.
He was grey, very grey, when he came out.
- He had apparently died sometime between one and two weeks prior to Lucille’s labour for his birth.
The cord was very thin (this turned out to be the cause).

Very early that morning we were very fortunate to have a great pair of EMTs, an ER doctor and nurses, and later that day our own OB-GYN in the hospital.

There is no doubt that we have lost our child. The pain that we have and are experiencing now does not lie.

Our Lady of Sorrows Pray for us.

John Everett

Feast of Saint Catherine of Alexandria

Catholic Saints of the Day