Cat's Place.

The greatest time of change in any one person's life

2016-01-02T23:45:00.001-08:00

... It's got to be the past ten years. If not, then the past 7 and it'll continue for 3 more; but I find it remarkable how much I have changed.

Aged 14 I had my first boyfriend (see early posts on this blog, CRINGE); age 16 I had my second. Thought I knew it all, thought I was able to understand the ways of the world and how to deal with things that were far out of my ken. Where I would now let someone deal with things in their own way, I decided that it was my way or the highway and tried to force my decision of "how to cope" on this person. For that I must apologise. As a 16 year old with nothing particularly challenging in their life, I thought I was wise; then I couldn't cope with the can of worms I'd opened. So honestly, sorry.

As I've "grown up" there have been times when I've been obsessed with feeling like I know it all. Been arrogant and said "yes yes of course I know" rather than letting someone explain something I don't necessarily know that well. I now feel more humbled by the people around me and the experiences they've had than I ever had before. I feel less know it all and less grown up; and like I'm kind of a better person.
Long may that continue...

I don't sleep between 3.30 and 5 any more

2015-08-30T20:46:00.004-07:00

I can't quite remember when my last post to this was and for some reason I'm not checking. I think, however, that it was when Deri's dad came off his bike.
Since then, things have been difficult.

I'm impressed and proud of my partner's reaction as he has been there for all of his family and they couldn't have done it without him.
But the things that he saw, like the cleaning of a tracheal tube, have left him with PTSD and a whole lot more besides.
His Nan is also very ill which is awful. She's been slowing down and getting worse for 4 years now but now it's actually coming to a bit of a close. Good timing there...

It's awful seeing someone you love go through things like this. You are completely useless. The things you think might help are completely irrelevant and there's nothing you can say. You just have to carry on, wait for something to change, be there ready if they want to talk. I feel heartbroken and miserable because I love the family so much; but also like I have no right to be so because it didn't happen to me - I'm a step away from it all. It makes me feel unbelievably selfish even though all I'm trying to do is be there for him and not have a mental breakdown while I'm at it.

The way I realised that D has PTSD was because he completely lost the plot at me (this was the final sign, there had been some leading to it too) one night. My dad had come over and taken us to dinner then when he left Deri laid into me about anything and everything he could think of. I've never been so miserable or angry as that night. I kept walking out of the room and crying and shouting back but as far as he knew nothing was happening - he said afterwards that he felt like he was half asleep. At least I know how well he knows me because he did attack every angle that would've invoked a reaction.
It started by him pressuring me into talking about how I'd been feeling these past weeks then staring at my like I was an idiot and saying "toughen up mate". Then he made me feel like I didn't care enough about him. ....... Lots of things.

It has been since that night, I have really struggled. I have tried very hard but that night in particular was awful, the day after just as bad (though I have never seen anyone so apologetic in my life) and since, since hasn't been as bad but it's been something of an uphill struggle where I haven't known what to say or do or how to even be in my own home because I hardly know how to talk to him.

Today we're meant to be booking a holiday to Malta for the start of October. Is it awful that I'm honestly just terrified something else will happen? Something will stop us from going just as soon as I get all excited about it. Honestly I don't think this is as much of a worry for him because I don't know if he can get excited about things at the moment. I don't know if he will. I hope he will because I'd like him to feel something other than either exhaustion or misery but I don't know if he trusts anything in the universe at the moment. I don't. It feels like everything hates his family and that's the most unreasonable thing in the world. They're all so kind and lovely, they don't deserve this shit.

I guess this is erring on a prayer.
I prayer for a break, for them. And selfishly for me; but I don't need anything as much. I have a wonderful support network of friends and family who are caring for me in my time of need fantastically. I'm just having to be careful with how much I say because I think they're all bored of it now.
I pray that Deri will let himself feel what he needs to instead of constantly putting up barriers to avoid it
I pray that Nansi and Jacquie recover from what they've seen and have the people around them to help them.
I pray that Pete carries on recovering.
I pray that the world gives these kind, kind people a break

And yes, being selfish, I pray that nothing stops me going on holiday with my soulmate, too.

Ducking Universe.

2015-07-22T14:18:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't written in a while. It's not really something I feel I need at the moment, not any more. But right now, I can't think of somewhere better to shout and scream and rave.

There is someone very special in my life, whom I love more than I could possibly say. You might have heard of him, I literally can't remember if he's in any of my posts or not.
But his family have had such a streak of bad luck that I can't even fathom what to do. I admire and am proud of his reaction to everything, but I can't help but want to scream at the universe. This family DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. They are good, kind, considerate people - all of them, or the generation I know at least - and I hate that these things are happening. They're all out of their control. And it is so fucking unfair. Everything happens for a reason but also bad things happen to good people. It changes them. I know because I'm sure that my landlady is a now-angry, good person. I don't want this family to change. I love and admire them. But I hope to heaven that everything works out because this is so not what they need, have asked for, deserve, anything. I hope to God that this gets better because I know they need some light in their lives.

May He have mercy.

Cait.X

Thinly spread on wide ground

2014-10-25T21:45:00.004-07:00

So recently, I managed to get a new job. It starts less than a week after I finish at this one, means that I get the weekend of my birthday off, and it sounds brilliant - will train and fund me for my exams, help me train Nomad - everything I want. I'm chuffed.

The only problem is that because I finish here on the 1st and start on the 5th, I don't get much of a chance to see anyone. Deri and I will get a weekend together which I'm excited for every day except for today (only because I'm exhausted and sad that I feel like I'm letting people down) because it's something we both need - time to ourselves, away from it all.
Then on Monday, my birthday, I will be going to Brighton, leaving Oxford at about midday, then will have to work out how to see my mum, dad, brother and a, I hope, a few friends while I'm there.
Because my parents aren't together, this takes two sittings. Luckily, Pod can be at either or both; it's just tricky to actually see them for a decent amount of time-- and now that I have one night, it'll be even harder. I don't know how to keep in touch with people properly any more! Here's to hoping that I don't lose the remainder of my friends or diminish the relationship I have with my dad.

I guess what I need to do is just take more time. Because you can't squeeze relationships into the gaps left by other things, not rally. Each relationship needs it's own time, dedication and space. I just don't know how or when I can give my wonderful family the time they deserve. Fingers crossed that I get Christmas off.....!

Roll on the biggest days.
Nos da.
Cait.X

"Go for a walk, open your heart, and see what pours out"

2014-10-19T13:47:00.004-07:00

I love you.

I'm excited for what you will bring me and how you will make me feel, especially if it's always like this.

I wonder what it's like, being so 'used' to someone that they don't give you butterflies or make you smile all the time or something.... But I don't know if I've ever seen it. The best couple I know in the world are my aunt and uncle and they still laugh and love each other. It's changed so much since they've had the boys, but it's definitely still there. Moments when they just catch each other and smile; moments when they're relaxed on the sofa and she rests her feet in his lap. I find it beautiful.

I don't think you'll ever really stop giving me butterflies. It's already been a year and three quarters, after all.
I hope it never happens. I hope there'll still be the time when we see each other after a while and I can't help but smile and walk faster towards you; I hope there'll still be moments like when you stopped in the barriers at Brighton station because you saw me, and had "forgotten how beautiful" I am.

I miss you when you're away. It's been a whole week today since I left yours and I miss you so much that I am sad and lonely in this big flat with its ticking clock. It probably didn't help that today was the first time I felt like this flat was busy, with three other people in it, all laughing and joking all day. But I'm kinda sadder without you.

My boss said that it might be easier for me to make friends around here if you weren't here because none of the local girls are in long term relationships and that made me so, so sad. I don't want to seek single girl friends much any more because on average, I have less in common with them than I used to. I want to make friends that you'll be friends with too; I want us to make friends, not me to make friends. I think that says a lot about us and how much you mean to me.

I hope you're never bored of me. I hope you're never dissatisfied with me. I hope, I hope, I hope, that it works out for us because I can't imagine ever being able to find someone I could feel like this about who isn't you. I can't imagine coming home to anyone but you (and perhaps our future dog).
And I don't want to.

I can't imagine things getting between us. I suppose, you never can. My dad did once say to me: "divorce was never part of my plan". If course it wasn't. Tt never is; but you never think of it like that. I know that problems will come up but I just think - and hope - that we tackle our problems the way that we have avoided them before, by talking it through and addressing it and being completely honest and open with each other.

I love you, I want to be with you; and I hope you want to be with me too.
I hope that me moving nearer to you will mean that we get to do "all the stuff", as I keep on so eloquently putting it. I know you know what I mean.

Cait.X

Would you believe me if I said that I forgot my password?

2014-10-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

I didn't. I just sort of ... forgot. What can I say? I've been busy! It's been a big year. A hard year with lots of working and dedication and exams, but also with graduating (2:1, hons, thanks ;)) and job starting. Like, proper, full time job. I think it's my first. Working two jobs while doing my dissertation was definitely not easier.

I'm a hunt groom at a private yard at the moment. For those of you who don't know, that means looking after 9 horses for a family rich enough to not do it for themselves. Dubious. I must have them well turned out and presented for hunts, which for me has included spending my first two weeks cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. I felt like everything was dirty. Now, now that I am leaving, it is spotless. D'oh!
It was a trial that I came here for, of two weeks, but there was a pretty mutual parting of ways after the two weeks were up: I didn't want here and here didn't want me. So that's an ok way to end your first job. Now, I have a day trial lined up for next week. That'll be funny because I'll be exhausted beyond belief - the family are hunting three times next week the trial is between the second and third. I might explain that when I go because I think I'll be a little heavy-limbed, to say the least.

It's kinda one of those "happened for a reason" things again, though, because this way, I can live with Deri again in a part of the world that I love doing a job that will give me a bit more training and guidance than this one, which is what I want and need at the moment. So see? It does all happen for a reason. Even if it feels like shit and you don't understand it at the time.

I keep on yawning so much that I feel like my head's gonna split in two, so I should probably go instead of continue blogging at 2am for the sole reason that I got a comment asking where I'd been. Thanks, whoever that was. But I'm going to go to bed (again) now. I promise I'll post a slightly more prolific thought than "I have a job, ooooo" next time.
Nos da. X

Dot Dot Dot.

2014-01-14T00:36:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my life, I rolled in the new year this year without even considering resolutions or changing myself. I saw it as my anniversary and not as much more. I love that.

But over the past few days I've started to worry that I don't know what to do when Deri's stressed. He's started talking to his ex again, who is also a mate of his (...he says, sometimes) and I, the queen of winding myself up, am slowly winding myself up that they'll meet up when he goes to North Wales, and she'll know how to make his life a better place about the stress and whatnot.

I also know that actually what he wants to do is just get on with things, help other people doing stuff and be practical. "Up and doing" is what he likes. No person can help him with that he just wants to be around people who would need him so that he can be there for them. I know in my heart of hearts that it's a null and void worry.
It doesn't stop me though.

I guess I'm just terrified of losing him. In fact, I know I am; I don't know who I'd be without him because we have all sorts of plans and I love him more than I've known I could.
I'm scared.
It feels so pathetic. I've always been the one with the upper hand who could walk away at any time (well, ish - there's always been call for a recovery period but I'm sure you follow overall), so this kind of dependence scares the crap out of me. And because I know how serious this ex is, and how much he loved her..... I get scared.

The song that he couldn't listen to because of her he now can because of me: it's changed all meaning for him because he loves me.
"Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" is now written about a different girl (though I really wish he'd never told me that he'd thought it about her because it kinda ruined the song for me. I mean, really. Bumole.)

....I should really be more relaxed and confident because my boyfriend thinks the sun shines out my ass and is really goddamn lovely. I just can't help being scared because what if the loveliest man in the world meets an ex and suddenly remembers exactly why he loved her and forgets why he loves me.

It will all be okay; I just can't help but worry a little bit.

Cait.X

Half a dream, half just hope.

2013-11-26T01:21:00.001-08:00

I just woke up from a dream about the future. Deri and I were lying in our bed naked. We looked into each other's eyes and smiled and then I looked down. There between us lay a beautiful baby girl, Phoebe Graham Marshall, who slept and smiled. We kissed each other over her head. She woke and asked for food and I rolled onto my back to give it to her. I looked back at my partner and smiled. I had the two most beautiful people in the world. I was te luckiest woman in the world.

I would say "and then I woke up", but I was Lisa half awake - hence the title of this post. Half hope. I've never wanted children before because I've always wen so scared of splitting up with the father or of ruining their lives. But Deri makes that go away. I hope that he is always happy and pray that this happiness is with me.

Now wasn't that more serious than you expected at 9.20 on a Tuesday morning?
It certainly was for me.

Cait.X

2013-11-20T00:15:00.000-08:00

I have recently been feeling a little shit. Makes a change for a post on this blog, right?

Then on Monday, I have no idea what happened - I suppose it was a damn good weekend, really... with success, promises of escape, nearly just driving away through the night, a plan to go out with a mate somewhere new.... I was in the best mood. I felt like my usual self, laughing and joking and taking everything in my stride again. It was fabulous. Same again yesterday.

Until Deri and I went to the pub.

I had an amazing day yesterday. I jumped a metre ten in my lesson because I was told to, I then got a free lesson because I helped someone collect sweat from the same horse. It was fantastic. Afterwards I sent Deri a text saying "best practical" or words to that effect, conveying my excitement. He replied saying "good" and we made plans to meet after the things we had to do and go to Cambrian to see his mates, then come back for a dinner that I had wanted to cook last Friday but hadn't because.... because stuff and reasons.

While we were at Cambrian we had two pints. And when we were about to get the second I realised it might not be a good idea but didn't spare it enough thought to talk to Deri about it. If I had mentioned it even in passing it would've been fine. So we had the pints and he was given a shot of Jäger by the guy who always gets us shots of Jäger. Of course I didn't have one because I was driving. After this Deri said that he was going to fall over because he'd by then had 4 pints and the shot. It was a joke and I bit his head off, saying that I didn't want to cook for him if he was so pissed he wouldn't taste it.

Even now I can see where I was coming from, I was just /awful/ at putting my point across.

It must be said that I am sick to death of feeling so weird. I don't really want to be with anyone unless I can dictate exactly how long for and exactly when and exactly who. I want to spend time with my boyfriend when he's not completely exhausted and I want to not even consider biting his head off. I just want to be the person that I think I am again. Not feel tired and worn out and not even quite like everything's on top of me...

That was another thing. In the midst of this, because I really did not have a good night last night, I was clinging to Deri like he was a child's protective blanket and not letting go and I feel now like I was screaming into him saying again and again that I didn't want this to happen...
Then Lottie texted me (though I didn't read it until this morning) saying that she was unhappy.
It just made me realise how little anyone seems to know or ask or care about at the moment. Maybe I'm just getting better at hiding it in day-to-day life because to be fair I don't want people to be asking all the time. I just need to remember to open up to some people, because if I don't I'll dig myself a hole.
Also need more pony time
And to start cycling
This is all going to happen
It'll always be alright. :)
Cait.X

"My world's on my shoulders"

2013-10-16T14:05:00.002-07:00

One of the things that's really hard when you move out and learn to survive and, especially, when you start paying for yourself because there's no one else who will, is that it's all down to you. You make the chances and you manage the time and you take the breaks. And let's not lie: that's really fucking hard.

What I find hardest is definitely giving myself the time to stop, wait and take a moment for myself. I'm always looking at the next thing to do, what tomorrow will bring and how hard it will be to keep it up. What I need to learn to do, and it takes me a long time to every day, is just relax.

My top tip for all of life is: find out what makes you tick; and find out what makes it better.

When you know how to relax, your life becomes so much better.

Even saying this now, I don't really know what works for me. I'm sat on my own, in my room, having spent the last of my money on cigarettes that I only brought because my boyfriend's at work and the guy that I wanted to talk to wasn't giving me the time to listen (to be fair I didn't tell him anything was wrong; and there's no way I'm going to infringe on his first year. I'm sure I did it to him and other people in mine, it would be unfair and selfish and it's been a long time since I spoke to him and he sounded like he was actually alive.... that was a present in its own right), then having sat in the garden and smoked two of them and thought "this is crap", I just came upstairs and looked through old photos that I have on flickr.

This was the one that got me thinking. It seems to be the one that reminds me that actually, we all control our own fates and, although I do believe that some things are thought out and scripted - like when we meet someone; if we get hit by a car; when we die - we should still make the most of everything that we can.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have a lie in then write a seminar then go to a lecture then do interval training then go to work
Friday, I'm going to go to lectures then ride 8 horses in 3.5 hours then buy my mate a pint because I will owe her one after helping me with that.
Saturday, I'm working and will upload the data from the past two days.
Sunday, I'm working and will analyse some of the data I already have.
Monday, I'm going to get paid then go to lectures then go to work.
Tuesday, I have one lecture and lots of time for my horse and my work, then will go out for an Indian with my friend whether I can "afford" it or not (because let's be honest, I'll make it work).

It's all manageable, and it's all ok. It's just a psychological thing, I think: make a time table. Write out what you'll do in each day, and do it before you get tired and upset and when you have done all of that have a pint or watch a movie or whatever gets you unwound.... And be ready to start the next day.

The trick really is enough sleep, taking care of yourself, and knowing when to say when.

It's all okay.
:)

Cait.X

I can't help but worry.

2013-10-01T11:41:00.001-07:00

There's essentially no reason, but I can't get over the worry that I have about money and time and stress.

Well actually, it's money originally. I've got no confirmation that my student finance will be happening so I have been working. Now I have two jobs. So actually, there's no problem with money; I have the income from Penrhyncoch FC job and will have stuff from open days that I work and will have stuff from Spar. I just can't help but stress.

Anyway, two jobs; dissertation research; lectures; essays and horse time means that I'm spending a lot of time rushing around and I am getting very wound up by this particularly when I look at my bank balance, which is currently £5 - having purchased a tank of fuel, shavings for my horse and a bag of feed. I get paid cash in hand and have £50 at the moment, which I can't spend because I need another week + £10's work so that I can pay my livery this month.

A vicious cycle and I don't see any way of breaking it.
Obviously, this is over the top; there are ways of breaking it and all of them are starting work.

I'll get into the swing of things, have a routine and get on with it.
It'll be fine!
I just need to get on and get a break and, actually, just start it all. Sooner you start, the sooner you finish; and sooner I start, the sooner the routine starts and the stress will ebb.

Deep breath.

I needed that.

Thanks for listening, I feel better now :-)

Cait.X

Pressure

2013-09-28T01:05:00.002-07:00

I feel like, recently, I have become impossible to please.

I spent the best summer travelling Europe with the man I love and since we got back, I've been working non-stop; or so it feels. I was stressed beyond belief because I don't have a laptop to put my research onto, then have been stressed about money because I don't have any.
I've been supported through all of this by Deri but I can't help feeling like because he's the one closest to me, he's going to have one hell of a time with me.

Take last night. He asked me to do two little things around the house. One, I accept completely; the other (not to leave dishes in the sink) was the most annoying thing because I'd only started doing it since being in they house because he did it. He says that's different because he's going to do it the next morning. He doesn't, not necessarily; and anyway, how is that really fair? If you want something done then don't do it yourself. It's natural to say "oh no no I don't so they", it's also very easy to do, but saying that it's different when you do it is absolutely wank and a sure way to piss off anyone, especially your lady friend.

I always later think to myself "come on Cait, it's only the fucking dishes", then remember that a) if it was only the ducking dishes, he wouldn't care about it; and b) I've been told before that things like that break people up.

I know that's weird and paranoid but I really don't want anything to be wrong between us so if there's a way of not having it happen, I will obviously do that. So I guess it's time to talk about it.

Though another thing, he said yesterday that he felt strange. I thought that meant ill so when he told me it meant strangely pissy I was completely useless. I meant to say that I'd been worried because I didn't want him to feel ill and wanted to take care of him but only said that he should've told me he meant pissy. That's not a helpful comment, Cait.

I worry that living together with another person there is harder than anticipated. Because this didn't happen when we were alone... But that said, maybe it would've anyway. I really don't know.

I just hope that we get time together, try actively for neither of us to be hypocrites about day-to-day life, and I manage to relax and get time to myself too, because I bet having none of it is related.

Once again; a deep breath to begin. (...or rather, continue)

Cait.X

I sometimes wonder.

2013-09-22T12:42:00.002-07:00

What I want to look back on my life and see. Will I regret that I don't want to go out and haven't been? Will I give a crap? I really like to think that no, I won't; I'll be too busy being glad that I met the people that I have, worked in the PFC (Penryncoch football club), and had my best friends to my house to poison them with rum. What's important is that I get to spend time with my horse and get the most that I can and the most that I want to out of him. I just hope that I remember that; it's genuinely a little bit of a worry, even though that feels ridiculous.

I love you. I get the feeling that that's all I'll care about at all.

Cait.x

Yet another breaking of the silence.

2013-09-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

Since I spoke to you last, I have driven through Europe; I have had the words "marry me" said to be (don't tell, though; it doesn't count. I want it to genuinely, but it didn't happen in a way that meant it would mean anything if you know what I mean...and now it doesn't. I so want to be with him forever. I want to be engaged to him); have moved in with my boyfriend and have had his friend move in.

Fraser is his friend and is a man whose concept of money is very different to mine and Deri's. One of the problems I had when we were moving in was that it was hard to realise this place was ours, because my Dad was here for a week then Deri's parents were here and only the did I get the chance to settle in at all. Now, I'm used to Deri being here and we cohabit fantastically, working around each other and getting on easily. It's a beautiful place to come home to.

Today, I came home from work (oh yeah I got a job too) with tired eyes and a wish to speak to my daddy. Fraser was sat on his big expensive TV with his PS2 SO LOUD. No one can be so deaf that they need the shouts of their war game THAT LOUD around them. I now have tired-er eyes and a sore head, so I'm going to make a cup of tea and cuddle up in bed with a film and wait for my boy to come home.

The thing is that Deri, Fraser and I haven't had any conversations about electricity and things. Deri and I both know that we're tight bitches who can't afford to leave lights on, etc. Now I just walked down from my room (I do feel a bit bad that I said hi to Fraser briefly then went straight upstairs to talk to my Dad, spoke for an hour then he was gone by the time I left so it genuinely looks like I'm doing this on purpose. Good thing he doesn't take shit seriously or personally really) - and there were three lights left on, none of which he was in the same place as. Not even lights in the place where he was! ... We just need to all talk about it, is all. Because he has a different attitude to us. I turn everything off at the plug because I'm paranoid and last year I paid about 90 for a quarter, meaning that two of us spent about £180. I hope that it's not much over that this time.

When I walk beside her, I am the better man.

I love Eddie Vedder.

Anyway. My new job is in the same place as Deri's, waitressing on a Sunday. That's a shame because it means that I won't be able to go to a show with Lucy and Amy which would be completely amazing, but it does mean that I'll be able to afford to live no matter what, because I'm still not sure that my student loan is going to come through. That's not a lovely feeling.

I've started work on my dissertation, too. Interval training on riding school horses, which means that Shelley has been trotting 4 horses up a hill for me twice weekly. I am immensely grateful and am really enjoying the work, but haven't been able to get a computer yet which is really fucking bad. I hate that. I need that. It's been so, so stressful: at the moment, all of my dissertation information is on ONE device and there's only one way that I can get it off, and this computer is it. Luckily, a lovely man called Colin is going to be giving me one tomorrow - which I'm very happy about.

Basically, I'm fucking happy. For everyone in my life, who are all getting on and doing what they want to; for myself, who has the man of her dreams and the horse of beyond them and the friends that she wouldn't change for anything; and for everyone who's happy anyway.

Ohh chin up world, it's fucking beautiful out there!

Cait.X

"I'll read it, 'cause it's your favourite book..."

2013-07-28T16:47:00.002-07:00

I gave him my favourite book to read and he hasn't; and I'm trying to learn his language because I feel that without knowing that I can't know him. If I want to spend the rest of my life with him, especially if it's here, in Wales because I wouldn't be accepted without speaking welsh. I told him I would read his favourite book And my birthday present to him was my favourite band doing his favourite song ....... But he didn't say he'd read mine. I wish he would. Other than that, my god he's beyond perfect. Makes me feel better than anyone has before, even Oli. nd I thought I could marry him. "In dreams we enter into a world that's entirely our own. We can swim in the deepest ocean, or climb over the highest cloud." He takes me to those dreams. I just wish he'd return what he appreciates so much a little more. Cait.X

Home.

2013-07-20T00:10:00.003-07:00

It's something that I've realised by working long hours at tiring, stressful jobs, that when I get stressed and exhausted that I want to go home. It is recent, however, that this concept of home has changed for me.

When I was younger, it was my house. If I got home after being away I would take some time and sit, relax on my bed. I remember once being bullied at school so I went home and lay on the green carpet at the bottom of my stairs on the flat of my back, and let it all go. An emotional moment, I released it all; just because I was at home. When my parents split up it was a little different: I couldn't decide where I was more comfortable, where I was more at home. It depende on who I wanted to be with, what mood I was in. I suppose this change could have began then: it could have stopped being a place and started being a state. Though then, it was only the state of which parent I would rather be nearer.

For te first year of university it wasn't really anywhere: uni and Brighton were both home. It definitely ha begun by then - home wasn't where I had come from, it was where I was comfortable and where I wanted most to be. It is only in the last 6 months, however, that the man in my life who I never want to leave it has made me feel like home is definitely a state, place where I feel safe and comfortable and happy. Often his arms; usually a good mood that only he will put me in, and usually laughing. A place I can't usually describe that I somewhere I always want to be, always want to go back to. Now, "I want to go home" means "I want him to make this feeling go away, I want him to make me laugh it off then hold me until its all gone away". I never expected that to be what I want.

For him, last night, it was sat outside the common room, having had a cigarette, with the bright moon glowing over the sea, casting its reflection over te smooth water. We were sat side by side and he was stressed. He closed his eyes and breathed in, while say cross legged on the floor. Then he looked at me and put his ham on my leg and said that it wa lovely doing things that he would usually have to alone with me. That was when I realised that he really means it: he really does feel the same.

That makes me incredibly excited for the future.

I can't wait for us to live together, to go to that physical home to each other every single night. It will be the best. Last night I found myself looking at him through dying light urging him to ask me the question that wouldean we are together forever and have signed some paper to prove it. I've never wanted something so much. I can't wait for the future.

Cait.X

Happus

2013-06-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

Reasons that I'm really happy right now:
I've decided that the people who aren't worth my time are now going to be ignored
My boy comes back on the 11th and I'm going to meet him at the station and jump on him and cuddle him into submission. I really can't wait.
I'm going to get my henna soon
(But am genuinely considering getting the tattoo straight away... I suppose I'm not certain enough for that, though... Possibly. I just kinda want it. Anyway..)
I'm going to see Katiy soon and she's awesome.

Reasons why I'm less than perfectly happy:
I miss having people I like and respect and way to spend time with in Brighton
(I want to have people I would at least call up and have a night out with but I literally don't have anyone I like enough to do more than go to the pub with. Even that I prefer when deri's there... Though at least he will be soon!)
.. I suppose that's it really. Don't I feel pathetic. I just want people I can rely on better and whatnot

On the other hand?:
In 3 days exactly, I'll be with Deri again
I'm about to see my daddy
I've had a really nice time with my mum recently
I got new shoes today (tee!)
I can do what I want with my time
I remembered that jimmy is awesome

I guess I'm just really tired, I want to be able to slow down and chill out. But I've had a lot happening and have been there for a lot of people... But I've sort of taken a step back. P texted me today asking if I was around but I didn't reply because I didn't want to deal with it. I will, and before deri's here probably too but still. I'll see when he's around. Still the same person, just need a fuckin break.

Cait.X

Rock vs. frying pan

2013-06-05T04:41:00.001-07:00

I've always been the person that almost anyone can turn to and I'll always go out of my way to help people out. It's the way I am and it's pretty detrimental for me in all honesty. My dad always tells me that I should focus on myself because I'm the most important person in the world... and I really need to listen to that, employ it more.

One of my mates (A) went out with another of my mates (P) and I love P with all of my heart and I love A ... less. But A has been ranting at me, not realising that P and I are so close. So now she feels that she can't talk to me about stuff, but does anyway. And it's annoying and upsetting because she's terrible at getting her point across and she really kinda upsets me with some of the shit she spouts. She compares P to Chris and what I went through and I don't know what to believe. I can understand where P is coming from which kinda makes it harder. He rang me when he felt like he was at the end and ever since then I've felt like I have a loyalty to him; then recently she told me that she's "taken too many sleeping pills" before. I don't understand and I can't deal with it all.

From shit that was getting me down in Aber, to shit that's getting me down here.

I hope that my boy gets back safe. I was trying to speak to him yesterday and my dad was being a complete prick, saying that I shouldn't off-load all of the shit that other people have told me onto Deri because it won't solve anything. It's like he's forgotten what it's like to be in love. It just really upsets me because of how he was acting. I snapped at him and told him to shut up and burst into tears and I couldn't fucking deal with it, yet my dad was still being a prick. I don't know how I'm meant to deal with it, I just want a break. I was hoping that this would be it but I kinda knew that it wouldn't be, that this would happen.

I asked my dad last night if I could get insured on the car and he said no because he didn't think that it would help. I know me; it would. I would say that it'll teach me to deal with facing things but it won't, all I want to do is not bother seeing anyone and run and not quite work, but try to. It really irritates me that I do it but I literally can't help it. Fucking annoying.

I only want to see 3 people around here and one of them's not actually here because he doesn't even live here and that's Deri. Patrick just drags me down. And the 3rd I get to see some time next week, so that's good!

I'm getting sick of thinking like this, so I'm now going to pick myself up, read through some scientific journals, go for a run then have a shower and meet Jimmy who I haven't seen for ages. Might go for a pint with him or something. Can't help but feel like I'm becoming an alcoholic, but I tihnk I'm just paranoid. It's a nice day outside, why the hell not go for a pint in a beer garden?
Just have to not come back in a bad mood like I did last night and have a glass of wine while on the phone to my boy. I was ever so glad to talk to him last night, he cheered me up so much. I miss him like hell.

Have fun people; think big, and don't let the bastards grind you down.
Cait.X

What a change.

2013-05-23T03:15:00.002-07:00

From spending all of my time, waking and not, with him, to spending none of it with him. This feels weird.

Especially given what's happened this week... I feel like he was helping me hold my chin up and get on with it, so now I'm finding it much harder. I don't really feel like there are many people to talk to about this because I don't want everyone knowing. I don't want people to say "what an attention seeker; there's no real reason why this would effect her".

I guess everything's piled up, really. All of this semester, which has actually been pretty tough given what other people have been doing... I don't know why everything feels much harder, but goddamn, I want to go home. I just don't want to be here any more. And I can't even escape alone to my horse because I don't have a way of getting there... It's gotta be with other people, whenever's best for them.

I also don't feel like I can tell him this. I think he'd say I'm just moaning. I also think I might just be being paranoid, but I don't want to moan at him. I think he's having a fine time at home so I don't want to complain about nothing at him, there's no fucking reason. It's a waste of time for both of us.

I'm pretty sure I should stop moaning about not wanting to moan now.. It's irritating me, so I can't imagine what it's doing to you.

Don't worry, I'll be bouncing around again soon enough.

Cait.X

Well that was a failure of a 365.

2013-04-23T16:45:00.001-07:00

A lot seems to happen all at once, then I can't be bothered to blog, and when nothing of note is happening I'm perfectly happy and content so don't feel the need to.

It's been weird recently, because none of my friends are particularly doing anything, but Deri keeps wondering if there's something on my mind because I start looking like I have it; and I think I keep looking for someone to talk to. I don't think I've ever been that good at only having one person that I talk to about everything. I don't think I've really ever had that to be honest; not one person that I can tell absolutely everything.. I've usually had something that I've needed to confide in other people. Chris, Oli, Alec, Jonny... I don't think they ever knew everything. The closest that they got was if I gave them this blog and most of the time I ended up changing the way I wrote because I didn't want them to know everything.

I'm scared. I have all my eggs in one basket, almost, because my friends didn't want anything to do with me when Deri and I got together so most of my friendships are now on a much more superficial level. I don't have friends in Aberystwyth that I can confide everything in... I don't have friends I see up here who listen to me. I'm there for them and they don't even know if something's wrong. I've usually been someone with quite a few friends around me, ones that I can tell all sorts of things to. This is a weird change.

That said, I'm sure that I could ring Lottie if I needed her properly. And Fe.
It just feels funny that Deri and I are so close. Like so, so close.

On the way back home to Aber we stopped overnight at Deri's grandparents' house. His nan is ill (I can't remember the word for the life of me right now, but basically had a stroke and hasn't been right since - she's losing her power of speech. It's amazing how aware she is of everything, she just can't communicate necessarily. Sometimes Deri can call her or her neighbours can come round then she can talk fine; but she can never talk to his grandad normally; and he finds that horribly hard...) Anyway, that was an amazing experience. I've never known love like that. 60 years together and Joan said "I'll just go and see how he is" just, literally just, before her husband called for her from the kitchen. A kind of telepathy. I think that Deri and I could end up like that and that terrifies me.
What I wouldn't be able to deal with is what followed. His granda talking about how hard it is to have the person that you love unable to talk to you.

It's fine because I know that I have friends who will be there for me and Deri who I'm 80% sure would actually drop everything for me. I do adore him. It's just scary, sometimes.

Well world, let's keep going. Stay excellent.

"What about you Joan, what do you want to be when you grow up? Happy? Say happy."
"Happy."

Cait.X

Day 54.

2013-04-01T04:04:00.001-07:00

Taken: 28/03/2013

My horse enjoying the view from Tal-Y-Fan

Seeing as I'm completely failing at doing this daily (I don't really know why, I'm not actually doing anything, just seem to be doing other things all the time...), I'm going to just keep counting the days but have massive gaps in between them.

I haven't been myself for the past couple of days. I think since Deri's parents came back... They bought Deri, Joe (his brother) and me presents of Toblerone and cider back from France. I've never in my life felt so welcomed into a family. It makes me so happy, makes me glow that they like me enough to think of getting me a present while on their holidays. However, it also makes me so, so homesick. I've not been home for a long time and not seen my family since mid February, and goddamn it I want to. I tried to convince Deri to leave earlier but he doesn't quite understand how much I want to go home; he wants to finish his essay first, so he can give the books he's using to his friend, but that means that I still have to be here until Friday, and get home on Saturday. That's only a day early. He says he knows what I mean when I say that I want to go home but I'm not sure he gets quite how homesick I am. It wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't in such a lovely, welcoming and warm family, homey environment. But as it stands, I want to be in my lovely homey environment. I want to see my Dad, lie on the sofa chatting shit while watching CSI. There's nothing like going home after being away for a long time, and I desperately want to be able to do that now.

I love it here, don't get me wrong. The mountains I'm staring at as I write this are unutterably breathtaking, and the opportunities I'm getting from having my horse here are amazing. The family are the nicest in the world... But there ain't no place like home, and the level of missing it that I'm experiencing is putting a strain on me, which is making me get tetchier with Deri. I don't want to do that, he doesn't need to have this taken out on him. I guess it's something that he just doesn't understand, no matter what he says.

God bless him; but I hope I get home soon. I hope I get rid of this feeling, because it's going to take a toll and I'm not sure what on yet.

Cait.X

Day 53.

2013-03-27T04:46:00.000-07:00

23/03/2013

A fairytale ride through Narnia!

Deri and I went on a ride up Tal-Y-Fan, a beautiful mountain just beside his house. Nomad was pulling forwards the whole way, keen to go and loving what he was seeing. Covered in snow and wet through, he was shaking by the time we reached the open spaces at the top of the mountsin. So we let them trot and canter the way back, stretching up small hills and pacing out like racers. Spectacular stuff!

Cait.X

Day 52.

2013-03-27T04:26:00.001-07:00

22/03/2013

Nomad and his new lady friend Celine

Last night, Deri and I stood by the gate to this field, having a smoke. We stood with Molly the Collie at our heels and Nomad and Celine in the dark, getting on in a way that Deri and his mum have never seen Celine do before. It is beautiful to see.

All I thought while we both were stood there was, "This is what I've always wanted".

Cait.X

Day 51.

2013-03-27T04:22:00.001-07:00

21/03/2013

Nomad in Rowen :)

I just found out that the business work I hadn't submitted electronically was NOT extended for a week, but for THREE HOURS.

Cait - YOU DONE FUCKED UP.
I am shitting myself.

In other news, until I found that out, I was outrageously happy: my horse is up here in Rowen at Deri's house, has made friends with his mum's horse and looks very well for it. I'm seriously glad that I'm getting a break - I'm a very happy girl!

..... Until I realised how badly I've fucked up. I hadn't slept in three days before that, not properly. I wouldn't have had to do that if it wasn't for my uncle getting married which meant that I had been to Ireland for the weekend before and hadn't worked enough.

Ohhhhh let it be. Penri has updated and said that he can accept my work so, it could be worse. It's ok. :)

Cait.X

I don't think I have a prayer of catching up now.

2013-03-22T09:35:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the radio silence people - I have had so much work on that I have been drowning. However, the last deadline was last night and I can now update you all with the photos I've taken.. (probably. Might just make the whole thing last longer at the end of the year... Yeah, I'll do that. Nothing interesting happened until today, anyway!)

Here, have some of a story I wrote (ages ago, just found it) to make up for it:

Francesca stared across the table at the large screen being pointed at, but even she found it hard to concentrate with the heat and the complexities of the lesson.

“FOCUS, ASHLEY! You'll NEVER understand UNLESS YOU FOCUS!” The teacher roared towards the back of the class where Ashley Banks and his group of friends were sitting. Francesca looked round to see the tall, handsome, brown haired boy sitting innocently and looking at the teacher without smiling, while around him three girls and two boys tried hard not to laugh. They all did remarkably well.

“What was I doing, Miss?” Ashley asked politely.

“You know darn well what you were doing.”

“I don't.”

“Well don't do it.”

“I can't not do what I don't know I was doing if I don't know what it was that I was doing, Miss.” The people around him looked as though they would explode with laughter.

“That's it,” Miss Hinkly screeched, turning slightly pink. “Get out! Go on! Out! Wait outside. I'll decide how to deal with you later.” Various whooping noises came from the back from those who hadn't already collapsed with laughter.

“Oh yeah, better beware Ash, she's gonna deal with ya!”

The people seated around Ashley laughed harder and harder, but weren't sent out.

“Maybe you lot,” she cast a wary eye over those at the back once Ashley left. “Will behave better without Ashley distracting you.”

They eventually quietened down until Miss Hinkly could continue with the lesson. As she droned on and on, Francesca found herself drifting away from the lesson. She imagined that she, not Rachel, not Lei, not Di, but she was going out with Ashley or Max or Gary, that she was popular and funny, witty and cool. She wished that she could lose her virginity when she wanted to, and hadn't already especially seeing as she had–

“Francesca! Not you too! Focus!” She looked up and realized that it was almost the end of the lesson and they were concluding. In Hinkly's case this means fast and furious questions. Even Rachel, Di and Lei, the bad girls, and their boys, Max and Gary (obviously Ash is outside) had answered theirs, so Miss Hinkly was very disappointed when her star pupil wasn't listening.

“Sorry, Miss.” Francesca said as the bell rang.

Miss Hinkly tutted but set homework and dismissed the class, saying nothing more.

“Alright Francesca?” It was Max and Gary, one on either side of her. “Reckon you could us do a favor?” Asked Gary, as Max put his arm around her and played with her hair.

“Please? Just a bit of homework, we need some help. Reckon you could come over tonight and ... help us out?” Max said in his brilliant, sweet, suggestive tone that always melted Francesca's insides.

“Y – y – yes. OK,” Francesca stammered. “Where do you live?” Francesca actually already knew the answer to the question, she had once stalked him and Lei to his home with her friend Mary, then watched them get off on the sofa. Disgusting though it may sound, Francesca was exceptionally mixed up at that point, and was obsessed with Max. It was almost like having OCD about him, if she didn't talk to him at least once a day, even saying 'hi', then she would bang her head against the wall ten times minimum. And she had the marks to prove it.

“I think you already know the answer to that one,” he smiled, tapping her playfully on the cheek then walking off to Lei and doing exactly the same to her.

“We'll bring someone for you,” Gary winked, then walked to Di and slid his arm around her shoulders.

What did he mean by that? Francesca wondered, walking out of the door last, as usual, then meeting her friend Joella who was waiting in the hall.

“I saw Max flirting with you!” Joella exclaimed.

“He wasn't flirting,” Francesca mumbled, suddenly feeling very tired. “He wants 'homework help'.”

“He does now, does he?”

“Yes, now drop it for God's sake!” Francesca snapped unexpectedly, and Joella walked up the hall beside her in silence.

“Di Stratford has always been amazing. She's always been a gorgeous, popular person, every girl's idol and the person every boy wanted to go out with. She and Max are now common knowledge, and I doubt that they're going to be breaking up soon. She's had a hard life and I doubt she would want her 'one certainty' to be ruined by some bloke with a petty little crush. Can we now change the subject please?” Craig stared at Mitch staring at Di laughing around with her mates.

“Just ... just look at her, man. She's amazing. She's something else. She's ...”

“Taken and even if she wasn't she wouldn't even consider you. She hardly knows you exist!”

Mitch couldn't deny this truth. Di passes him loads, even if he manages to say 'hi', she either half-glances at him, eyes flicking up and down him, then she passes by, or she ignores him completely.

“Yeah, but ... if I could speak to her. If I was her partner for something ... I dunno. I'll find a way. She will talk to me! She will know my name! She will want me!”

Holy shit, thought Craig, still staring at Mitch, This is a man on a mission. He means it. He will.

Di moved her knees either side of Max's legs so that she was straddling him and he dropped himself from leaning on his hands to leaning on his elbows, so that he was lower, closer to the bed on which they were lying together.

Max saw the cross on the gold chain he had given her hanging around her neck and lying between her breasts hang lower and nearer her face as she lent towards him, stopping about two inches from his face. He closed his eyes and moved his lips upwards to meet hers. They kissed for a long time and –

“MAX! Tell me one thing I just said,” Mr Grant fumed, turning a violent shade of purple.

“Spain is near France?” Max guessed at a reply, making Gary who was next to him snort with laughter. Max didn't get the joke until after it was elaborated slightly by Mr. Grant.

“Incorrect. As a matter of fact, I was explaining how working down through Europe, there is France before Spain ...”

“So I was right, then,” Max pointed out. “I said the same with different words.”

“Exactly. Different words, Max.”

“But you didn't as for a word-to-word interpretation, sir, you asked what you said, so I replied with less words.”

“Uh ... well ... Max. Are you arguing with me?”

“Well I'm not wanting to Sir, but it seems to me that that's unfair. I just answered your question and you're saying it's wrong even though everyone here knows it's right. So I'm merely making my point known and giving you reasons why you're wrong ...”

“Or, in short, arguing with me.”

“I thought we aren't shortening things? Because that's all I did, sir ...”

“Out! Go on! Out of my class! Honestly, last thing on a Friday and all you can do is think about arguing. Honestly! And another word from you,” Mr Grant added hastily when Max looked as though he was about to speak, “and you'll be lucky to get away with a fifteen minute after-school detention.”