Cats with Thumbs

Cyclists Vow to Defeat Robotic "Bike Basher"

2011-03-31T15:31:00.018-04:00

CWT, St. Louis, MO. The powerful pro-bicycle lobby, Two Wheels Inspiring Tomorrow, announced a "no holds barred" push to block the retail introduction of the "Lane-Changer," a robotic automobile accessory that claims the ability to safely "reposition" slow moving cyclists and clear the road ahead for stalled motor vehicle traffic.

The inventor, Niles Percocet, believes, "the Lane-Changer will be a boon to both cyclists and motorists. Bicycles slowing automobile traffic to a crawl will be safely relocated to the side or shoulder of the road, thereby greatly reducing the chances of a bicycle/automobile collision or frustrated motorists acting out in anger against the slower moving cyclists."

Mr. Percocet's invention attaches to automobiles with clamps similar to those used on popular luggage and ski racks. A retractable robot arm, controlled with a dashboard mounted on/off switch, automatically detects the location and dimensions of the lane-blocking cyclist with state of the art laser sensors. Once the target cyclist has been acquired, the Lane-Changer signals the cyclist with a warning tone; if the cyclist refuses to yield, the robotic arm extends and locks on to the handlebar or seat stem, then repositions the cyclist either behind the automobile or to the shoulder or the road.

Crispin Hub, spokesman for Two Wheels Inspiring Tomorrow, told our CWT correspondent, "It is beyond me how the responsible government authorities allowed this abomination to even get off the drawing board. The use of this device in the manner described constitutes at least simple assault, and possibly more serious violations." The T.W.I.T. spokesman continued; "We cyclists are on the front lines of the green revolution - if motorists want to make it a war; so be it. If there are no bike lanes, we will utilize the streets the same as motor vehicles - we have a right to do so; if they are behind us, they can just slow down and wait."

When asked by CWT if, given the number of recent road rage incidents, it would be wise to pit less than two hundred pounds of bicycle and rider against two tons of accelerating automobile, Hub replied, "We are prepared; some of us may be martyrs for the cause, but those brave souls will have elevated the need for bike lanes from an afterthought to a priority. Regardless, this "Lane-Changer" is an affront to our share the road credo, and we will use all means at our disposal to prevent even one single device from being sold."

When apprised of T.W.I.T.'s concerns, Mr. Percocet replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Hub feels that way - I invented the Lane Changer to prevent just the type of confrontation he speaks of. The unit is equipped with an integrated video unit and a sealed 'black box' event recorder - the Lane Changer is a last resort tool to prevent injuries. Just as there will always be a few inconsiderate motorists, there will also be stubborn cyclists - the Lane Changer plucks the cyclist safely out of harms way and allows motor vehicle traffic to proceed unhindered, diffusing any unpleasant situation before it happens."

CWT legal analyst, Tickman Scribe, believes, "This one's definitely going to court - the first time a cyclist gets cyborged to the roadside by this contraption, all hell is going to break loose. The cyclist will file assault; the inventor may claim citizens arrest rights, if he can prove the cyclist was breaking the law. There are different permutations of cycling laws in every state - I can't predict what the 'Lane-Changer' will do for bike safety, but I guarantee it will slow the affected courts to a crawl."

CWT asked a random group of St. Louis citizens what they thought of the "Lane Changer" device. An avid cyclist responded, "There aren't words enough to describe how I feel - motorists with the right to pick me up like garbage? I promise you, any driver grabbing me with that thing is going to get a windshield full of purple spray paint before I hit the ground." A motorist frustrated by unyielding cyclists opined, " I've already ordered one - I'm so sick of these guys hogging the road, refusing to move over - I'm all for more bike lanes, but if there aren't any, move over. I wish it was a big flyswatter."

DNA REPORT: Obama has Conservative Gene

2011-03-07T15:35:00.011-05:00

CWT, Washington, D.C. A knowledgeable source inside the National Institutes of Health revealed to reporters at CWT's Capitol Bureau the details of a genetic map confirming President Barack Obama has the recently identified "conservative gene" as part of his unique DNA profile.

"When the liberal gene was identified in 2010, we logically assumed there would be a corresponding conservative marker," our source, requesting complete anonymity, reported to CWT; "When we began our search for the conservative gene, we did not request blood samples from the President, nor did we know his blood was in the control group. Had someone - and we don't know who - not left a flash drive activated on a common terminal, we never would have found out."

The "liberal gene" made headlines in late 2010, and was reported in the October '10 issue of Science Daily:

ScienceDaily (Oct. 28, 2010) — Liberals may owe their political outlook partly to their genetic make-up, according to new research from the University of California, San Diego, and Harvard University. Ideology is affected not just by social factors, but also by a dopamine receptor gene called DRD4. The study's authors say this is the first research to identify a specific gene that predisposes people to certain political views.

Repeated calls from CWT staffers requesting confirmation of the report remain unreturned by The National Institutes of Health. When asked by CWT's Capitol correspondent why he chose to come forward with evidence of the newly discovered conservative gene in President Obama's DNA, our source responded:

"Who ordered the President's blood to be tested for conservative tendencies? Who left his identity open on a common computer? That's no coincidence by any stretch of the imagination, so I decided to go public with the information."

CWT posed those questions to our Congressional liaison on Capitol Hill - our contact responded, off the record:

"This is the first I've heard of the conservative gene, and I certainly had no idea the President's DNA contained one - it would explain some very strange goings on around the House and Senate lately, though."

CWT's correspondent asked our contact why the President's DNA would have been submitted for testing and who could have been responsible for submitting it:

"That's a pretty brazen move, going up against the President; it would take someone with a hell of a motive and a ticking-time-bomb, testosterone-fueled ego. The only individual I know meeting those criteria is former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. It's no secret she's been apoplectic over the pasting her Democrats suffered in November; she lost her position as Speaker and word is she blames the President for all of it - I wouldn't put it past her; she's been a holy terror around the city since the Republican victory. We're embarrassed to eat with her any more; she demands we all have the same entree at lunch or dinner and pounds a gavel on the table if anyone dares order a la carte."

Reports from our CWT Judicial Branch insider confirm something has the House and Senate rank and file running for cover. Our Washington D.C. district court contact revealed:

"We've been inundated with motions to prevent the release of Democratic House and Senate members' blood test/DNA results - craziest thing I've every seen; it's a train wreck. When the liberal gene was identified back in October, Democrats were throwing each other off the sidewalk to get a positive liberal gene DNA profile - wanting to be first on the block with biological ideology, I guess. Now that word of a conservative gene is out, they'll sell their grandmas to make sure no one gets a chance to scan their profiles for "Republican contamination." I haven't seen this many motions to suppress since Clinton was in office - there's a boatload of happy attorneys ordering new Mercedes and a whole lot of quaking Democrats afraid to go to the doctor."

CWT asked one of President Obama's Chicago colleagues if any conservative tendencies were obvious in his early political career:

"Now that you mention it, there were a couple of things," the former Obama co-worker revealed, on condition he remain anonymous; "He always maintained the liberal party line in conversation, but sometimes his actions didn't match the rhetoric. Years ago, we organized a Chicago 'Socialists Are People, Too' rally - his job was to distribute copies we made of Marx's work to everyone as they arrived. He set up a little booth at the entrance, like a lemonade stand - the sign read "Not Much Capital for Das Kapital! Half Off Today Only!' I know he made a tidy profit. Years later, I went by his house and found him standing in front of the hall mirror, almost in a trance - he kept repeating, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!' I told him flat out, if Soros or the union hoods ever got wind of it, he could kiss his campaign money goodbye. I guess he couldn't help himself - he loved Reagan."

CWT requested an opinion from our in-house political/legal counsel, Tickman Scribe, regarding the effects a consevative gene might have on President Obama and America's future:

"If the report pans out, it's a bombshell," Scribe offered; "it's the classic nature-or-nurture argument played out on the world stage for the highest stakes. We'll have a President who, on the one hand, grew up with constant liberal/socialist input from parents and relatives, but, if the report holds true, has a biological makeup fighting to toss all that communism out with the recycling."

Scribe continued: "As regards immediate policy decisions, however, I don't think we'll really see anything different from the President; the proof of a conservative gene would just shed some light on why he's been frustrating his own party - you know, passing Obama care then backing off, playing kissy-face with the jihadists one minute and bombing the bejesus out of them the next, barking that he's union-boy, then hiding under a rock when they trash Wisconsin. He's obviously a very conflicted individual - one part of him cries 'Workers of the World Unite,' and the other wants a Swiss bank account and an ETrade subscription.

Unfortunately, it's our money he can't figure out what to do with."

The Bahamas has the Bomb

2010-07-20T09:07:00.030-04:00

CWT, Miami. A confidential CWT source inside the Bahamian Defense Ministry claims that country is now in possession of a fully operational medium range nuclear ballistic missile. The source, who requests his identity be withheld, says the weapon was offloaded under cover of darkness at the cargo terminal in Freeport, Grand Bahama Island, and currently remains in the bulk freight terminal while the government searches for enough willing workers to move it. The Bahamas has no army or air force; the defense of the country is the responsibility of the The Royal Bahamas Defense Force, consisting only of the Bahamian Navy - as the missile is a land based mobile surface to surface weapon, our source reports intense finger pointing and recriminations among government officials responsible for the acquisition.

CWT's informant is unsure how the Bahamian Commonwealth plans to utilize their new missile; "What the hell we gonna do with a bomb? We don't have any enemies - I guess we'll have to go get some." The U.S. State Department Consular Report for the Bahamas bears out our sources conclusion:

The Bahamas is a developed, English-speaking Caribbean nation composed of hundreds of islands covering a territory approximately the size of California. Tourism and financial services comprise the two largest sectors of the economy. Independent from the United Kingdom since 1973, The Bahamas is a Commonwealth nation with more than a century-old democratic tradition.

According to documents provided to CWT by our source, the missile is a North Korean clone of the Russian Soviet era SS-4 with an effective range of 2000 kilometers. "Kim Jong Ill presented us with this gift in hopes we will reciprocate with asylum for him in the future," our Bahamian contact divulged; "He's pretty well wrecked his country; he's getting ready to turn that trash heap over to his son and get the hell outta there - he wants a sunny hideout with Cinemax and flowery shirts. I don't like him; he's a crazy midget."

The Bahamas has strong bilateral relationships with the United States and the United Kingdom, represented by an ambassador in Washington and High Commissioner in London. The Bahamas also associates closely with other nations of the Caribbean Community (CARICOM). The Bahamas has an ambassador to Haiti and works closely with the United States and CARICOM on political and migration issues related to Haiti. The Bahamas has diplomatic relations with Cuba, including embassies in each other's capitals. A repatriation agreement was signed with Cuba in 1996, and there are commercial and cultural contacts between the two countries. The Bahamas also enjoys a strengthening relationship with China. The Commonwealth of The Bahamas became a member of the United Nations in 1973 and the Organization of American States in 1982.

Reporters from CWT's Miami station traveled to Freeport to gauge the reaction of the population.
"Look here, man," a local vendor insisted, "you see anybody here but me? No you don't. Recession done killed my business - I say we point 'dat bomb at the Virgin Islands and let'er go - blow 'em up - then all the tourists have to come here!" The bleak economic conditions seemed to influence what many native Bahamians thought of their new status as a nuclear power. "Get that Merv Griffin fella to buy it and start another theme park," opined an unemployed casino worker; "Who has a live bomb park? Nobody, that's who. You open 'dat thing for tourists, you'll have'ta beat'em off with a stick - you could give out them little blinky badges, so the kids'll know if they're getting nuked - kids love that stuff."
Others held an opposite view and were not happy being atomic islanders; "How long it took us to get the British outta here so we could finally chill out?'' asked an angry housewife; "now we got this bomb and the Russians, Chinese, who-knows-who, gonna be all over us talking all that jibber-jabber; we gonna have working group this, committee that - no thank you, sir. If I wanted that nonsense, I'd move to France - I'm tryin' to relax."

CWT reporters' calls and emails for confirmation to both the U.S. State Department and the Bahamian Consul in Miami went unanswered. A U.S. intelligence officer familiar with the region told CWT off the record, " I'm all for it; maybe we can pull the same trick with that Iranian nut job, Ahma - Dinnerjacket - he and Kim Jong could bunk together and eventually have a tragic parasailing accident. Anyway, it's just one bomb - they'll probably misplace it or break it"

CWT's legal analyst, Tickman Scribe, believes, "It's just not a game changer - I think they'll sell it, probably to the U.S. What else are they going to do? They could always point it at D.C. and demand a GM-sized bailout, but who wants their whole population on the no-fly list? I think they'll have a couple of months of parties to gloat about it, but they'll eventually put it on the market it so they can go back to happy hour."

Immigrant Catapult Stymies U.S. Border Patrol

2010-06-09T10:06:00.002-04:00

CWT, Along the Rio Grande, Texas. A month long on-site investigation by Cats With Thumbs field reporters confirms illegal immigrants from Mexico are being launched over the border in increasing numbers by a massive catapult. U.S. Border Patrol agents on location along the Texas-Mexico border have dubbed the device "Jose Cuer-throw" and are at a loss for an effective countermeasure. "Beats anything I've ever seen," a confidential Border Patrol contact told our CWT reporter at the scene; "one minute you're minding your own business walking the fence line, next thing you know a family of four comes sailing overhead at better than 80 miles an hour. By the time we get to where we think they should have landed, they are long gone."

CWT reporters traveled to Mexico and were granted exclusive access to the inventors and operators of the unorthodox immigration initiative. Although unwilling to give their names or be photographed, the two young Americans spearheading "Gringo Air," as they call it, were forthcoming and candid with our Cats With Thumbs team. Both men, in their late twenties, are engineering graduates from top U.S. universities. "We don't have an agenda for or against illegal immigration," Gringo "A" told our reporter, "we just like catapults." Gringo "B" added, " There wasn't a lot of grant money out there for catapult development - the Air Force wasn't looking for a 'smart slingshot.' We evaluated the Mexican immigration dynamic and realized we could fill a need and make a profit."

The two "Gringos" would not reveal the catapult design specifics to our CWT reporters, but allowed they coordinate with a stateside "catch team" using calibrated GPS devices, up to the minute wind data, and a military grade "landing net."

"There was some initial resistance from the locals when we first set up shop, " Gringo "A" continued, "No one was too keen on being thrown over the border - we had to pay a few volunteers to give it a shot, and after the first couple of casualties we've had a perfect throw -to- catch performance ratio."

"Gringo Air" charges 100.00USD per person per "flight;" the fees are usually paid to the "catch team" by relatives of the prospective "passengers" already in the United States. "It's a lot less expensive than paying a middleman thousands of dollars to walk you for 3 days through the desert with only a slim margin of success," Gringo "B" told our CWT reporters; "we offer a money back guarantee - when you sign up with Gringo Air, you'll be over the border and in the U.S.A. in 20 seconds or less - and have fun getting there!"

Cats With Thumbs contact at the U.S. Border Patrol was not as enthusiastic. "They have a good little system, are very mobile, and pretty sneaky," our inside source admitted; "they can get that contraption up and down quickly, and even when we do spot it on radar the Mexican authorities are no help at all - we can show you video of the Mexican police actually helping raise the catapult and having cerveza celebrations after each launch." Safety considerations are the biggest worry - according to our contact, "that money back guarantee is a crock - if something goes wrong you won't be in any position to collect; more than likely I'll be digging you out of the dirt or peeling you off a cactus, if the buzzards don't find you first."

Despite the dangers, several recent "Gringo Air" customers interviewed by our Cats With Thumbs team expressed satisfaction with the service. "It was quick and easy," a new landing told our reporter, on condition he remain anonymous; " I was a little scared at first; my cousin was one of the first ones over - they had a little wind shear and, well, it wasn't too pretty. But the U.S. medical care is top-notch and the Gringo Air guys got the problem fixed." Other "fliers" also spoke highly of their experiences; " the net team here in the States was very cordial and customer service oriented," another new arrival told CWT; " they gave us our fake papers, rolled up the net, put us in the truck, and off we went. They even had snacks - you don't get those on many airlines these days."

A father who flew over with his wife and son told our Cats With Thumbs reporter, "it was fantastic. Our boy loved it so much he wanted to go back and do it again! I had to tell him 'hey, you're in America now - we can go to Six Flags!'

Aliens Make Contact, Request "No Further Communication"

2010-06-09T09:55:00.004-04:00

CWT - Hat Creek, CA. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) Allen Telescope Array confirmed to our reporter several messages originating from at least 25,000 light years away were received on June 2, 2010 at the Hat Creek monitoring station and verified by SETI scientists at the University of California, Berkley:

" This should have been a red-letter day for SETI and the Nation," our source confided on condition he remain anonymous; " instead, we finally hear from intelligent beings outside our solar system and they tell us to stop bothering them. To put it bluntly, they think we're crackpots."

The SETI mission, according to their website " is a passive experiment, designed only to look for signals, not to send them. However, humankind has been unintentionally transmitting signals into space - primarily high-frequency radio, television, and radar - for more than fifty years. Our earliest TV broadcasts have reached several thousand nearby stars, although any alien viewers would have to build a very large antenna (thousands of acres in size) to detect them." Our source at the Allen Telescope Array believes " that's the problem. We've spent millions on equipment to listen for alien broadcasts, but we don't send any messages - now our first received message from an intelligent species indicates they have been receiving American cable TV for 10 years and they are not happy about it."

According to our source, the communication was received " in plain English, with no need for decoding - apparently phonetics is not a big hurdle for them. " A transcript of the interstellar message obtained by Cats With Thumbs contains no threatening overtones or warning of consequences, but states, " while we appreciate your efforts to reach out to your neighbors, we politely request you cease attempts at communication and dialogue with our civilization." It is evident from the language and references contained in the message that United States cable television signals were the only broadcasts from earth received by our " space neighbors." The informant inside SETI lamented, " What are they supposed to think? They don't get a broadcast of the constitution, the U.N. charter, or Save the Children because our policy is not to send messages, just sit around and listen for them. Evidently the cable TV signals flying off into space are the easiest for them to receive, and unfortunately the most useless programming has the strongest signal. We have succeeded in convincing an intelligent civilization outside our solar system that we are galactic nimrods."

The content of this first contact with another intelligent species seems to bear out our source's concerns. From the message transcript:

" While we make no judgement on the effectiveness, or lack thereof, of your method of governance, the policy of publicly berating the citizenry as practiced by your leader, Simon Cowell, is contrary to our inclusive and benign sensibilities - we would prefer you refrain from transmitting further examples to us."

Other references in the communication leave little doubt the alien entities believe the cable television signals they received were intentionally transmitted and crafted purposely to represent the meaningful aspects of American life:

" Furthermore, your governing council seems preoccupied with individual family disagreements and various reproductive methods - while our civilization in no way discounts these concerns, our particular priorities focus on the economic and physical well being of our citizens. We would greatly appreciate your discontinuing broadcasts of said council meetings - particularly tiresome to us are the constant references to 'my baby's daddy' and 'in-laws from hell.' "

CWT's SETI contact told our reporter, " We're scrambling to put together a more appropriate representation of our nation and transmit it to our new found friends; but we don't know if they will receive it - we're probably on their version of a 'do not call' list by now. Also, we pinpointed the spot in space from where this message was transmitted, but there is nothing there; some method of masking the original transmission point was employed - apparently their technology is quite advanced and they have no desire for us to track them down and eventually pay them a visit."

The "message from the stars" contains no overtly derogatory opinion of the American system as understood by whoever sent it, but it is clear from the transcript the television signals received by the first known intelligence outside our solar system did little to impress:

"From the messages you have been transmitting to us, we understand it is important to your culture to 'be at a good place with yourself' and obtain public counseling for intimate affairs. This concept is particularly unsettling to us and is incompatible with our civilization's concept of privacy and family decorum - again, we pass no judgement on your practice of revealing embarrassing flaws to strangers, but we would be very grateful if you would cease subjecting us to the daily broadcasts."

Although unintentional, it appears several of the television transmissions received by the intelligent beings beyond our galaxy are tantamount to profanity and racial slurs in their culture:

"We are a civilization based on numerical values - we realize, of course, that you had no way of knowing, but the values represented by your numerical '19.99' are particularly offensive to us; the translation in our communication refers to a sexual act with livestock that involves one's family members and food preparation utensils. We urgently request no further transmission."

The message concluded with a plea to " please discontinue all transmission from the United States," and a request that someone in authority contact the country of Iceland, as the newly discovered intelligent beings believe, " they are a people we would like to get to know."

Canada to Annex North Dakota, Residents "Quite Pleased"

2010-06-09T09:44:00.004-04:00

CWT - Bismark, ND. Cats With Thumbs midwest affilate reports year long secret negotiations between the U.S. & Canada are in the " final stages, " and the U.S. State of North Dakota is expected to become the 11th Canadian Province before the end of 2010. If the annexation proceeds as planned, it will be the first peaceful reduction of United States continental territory and the first and only U.S. State to be sold to another country. The Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade refused official comment when asked for verification by CWT reporters on location in Ottawa. A Canadian Foreign Affairs official told Cats With Thumbs off the record:
" We couldn't be happier - as you are no doubt aware, Canada is seldom at the forefront of global media interest and the country as a whole has been in a rather grumpy malaise for quite some time. This acquisition from the United States makes us a player again in the world news cycle and gives Canadians a small sense of victory over our mighty neighbor to the south."

North Dakota is the 19th largest state by area in the U.S., it is the 48th most populous, with just over 640,000 residents as of 2008. North Dakota was carved out of the northern half of the Dakota Territory and admitted to the Union as the 39th state on November 2, 1889. The state has seen a steep decline in population over the last 20 years; the loss of residents in their twenties and early thirties has increased markedly over the past two decades. If current trends continue, the number of elderly in the state will grow by 58 percent over the next 20 years and represent nearly 23 percent of the state’s population. In addition, the number of older seniors (i.e., 85 years of age and older) will grow by nearly two-thirds during that time frame. A North Dakota State Senator spoke to Cats With Thumbs on condition his name be withheld:

" We're now the ' old fogey ' State - might as well have one 'a them 3 wheeled scooters and a jar of Metamucil on the State flag. We join up with Canada and we get government health care and some new holidays. I'm for it."

The U.S. State Department also refused official comment when questioned by Cats With Thumbs reporters, but a senior insider, on condition he remain anonymous, told CWT: " North Dakota has been sucking the life out of the Treasury - all the kids are high-tailin' it outta' there as soon as they can and all the old folks that can barely creak up a flight of stairs are moving back - think Brokaw and Redford - it's a health care nightmare; if those crazy Canucks want 'em, I hope we can get the deal signed and run before they realize what they bought." CWT learned from confidential sources Canada is prepared to pay " in the hundreds of billions " for North Dakota and will need to spend

" additional billions " integrating Canadian national laws and infrastructure. A Saskatchewan resident was less than enthusiastic:

" Splendid; we get more old folks, cows, and wilderness - the U.S. gets a bucketful of cash and a health care solution. No wonder they never pay us any attention."

Cats With Thumbs spoke with residents of Crosby, North Dakota, near the Canadian border; most citizens were upbeat about the pending change of nationality:

" I've been buyin' my prescriptions there for years - lots cheaper, " Gretta Trollope told our reporter; " I think those Mounties are pretty sharp, too." Kirby Thelp and several friends gathered outside his home to practice singing 'O Canada' and calling one another 'hoser.' Thelp told CWT, "Who cares? Nuthin' ever happens around here anyway - may as well stir things up, eh? " Ermeline Dissel, an elementary school teacher, told CWT, " it will be a unique opportunity for the children to learn about another culture - well, I guess it will now be their culture - regardless, they are going to learn about it." Lemmet Furl, a lifelong North Dakotan, said, " don't matter to me - they make pretty good beer. As long as I keep gettin' U.S. television; Canadian TV sucks."

There is no legal precedent for the sale of a U.S. State to another nation - Cats With Thumbs legal analyst, Tickman Scribe, believes,

" as long as they put it up for a vote locally in North Dakota and on the national ballot, there is nothing illegal on the face of it. That is not to say there couldn't be any number of challenges to the sale in the District and Supreme Courts, but frankly, I don't think anyone

will pay much attention. So North Dakota goes to Canada - okay, whatever. Who's going to miss it?"

U.S. Navy Donates F-14 Fighters to Greenpeace

2010-06-09T09:39:00.002-04:00

CWT - San Francisco. A confidential source inside the Greenpeace environmental protection organization revealed to Cats With Thumbs the United States Navy will donate 6 recently decommissioned Grumman F-14 Tomcat multi-role strike fighter aircraft to help Greenpeace upgrade their whaling interdiction and self defense capabilities. A highly placed Greenpeace operative, speaking off the record, told CWT: "This will change our entire environmental defense paradigm - we've been taking it on the chin from the fishing conglomerates for years; it's a whole new ball game now." The U.S. Navy Public Affairs Office at Patuxent River, MD. refused to comment when contacted for verification by Cats With Thumbs. A U.S. Navy Captain involved with the final F-14 decommissioning spoke with CWT on condition his name be withheld: "It's a hell of an aircraft - Greenpeace is getting one of the finest supersonic strike platforms ever developed. I'm pretty sure any fishing fleet will get the message once a few of their tubs take a Phoenix missile broadside."

Greenpeace is an international environmental activist organization founded in 1971 with thousands of members and a well -funded political lobbying apparatus; Greenpeace advocates direct, non-violent confrontation when necessary to prevent damage to the earth's ecosystems. Worldwide media coverage of Greenpeace activists in small rubber boats being hosed, arrested, and capsized while trying to block fishing and whaling vessels has helped the organization publicize its efforts and gain crucial support for environmental protection campaigns.

Cats With Thumbs spoke with several veteran crew members from the Greenpeace vessel "Arctic Sunrise" with experience directly opposing whaling and fishing vessels. "It gets nasty out there," said an American who asked that his name not be revealed, "after awhile you get sick of just taking it when they knock you out of the boat with fire hoses or ram you; I can't wait to get these F-14s operational - the next time some rust bucket bottom fisher tries to get nasty, I'm calling in an air strike." Another longtime crew member told CWT, "we've been at this awhile and the fishing fleets have gotten used to us - we've become just a minor nuisance to them, like seagulls. Press coverage has also declined; the war on terror and politics are the big stories now. The first time one of our new 'Rainbow Tomcats' takes out a net-dragger we'll be back on the front pages."

CWT has learned from the same confidential source at Greenpeace that a group of 25 activists have secretly been training to fly the F-14 fighter at an undisclosed California location: " They are all very excited to be an integral part of taking environmental activism to the next level. Greenpeace has always been able to adapt interdiction capabilities as threats to ecosystems evolve - we can now take the fight to the enemy wherever they are, and we won't be showing up in a rubber dinghy."

None of the Eastern Rim fishing concerns contacted by Cats With Thumbs would go on the record with a response to the reported Greenpeace F-14 acquisition. Several fishing vessel captains spoke privately with CWT: "Are they crazy?" asked one incredulous fisherman, "I know they have a lot of pull, but if they put a hole in my boat they'll be fighting more than fishnets and old men. Hell, those guys can barely drive a rowboat - F-14s? I'll believe it when I see it." Others were not so sure - a captain with experience confronting Greenpeace said, "those greenpeacies are adrenaline junkies; I've seen'em attach signs to moving whales and try to gum up my props with toothpaste and superglue - it wouldn't surprise me a bit to see a couple of'em jump my butt in a fighter."

Greenpeace officials at the San Francisco office would neither confirm nor deny the F-14 report when contacted by Cats with Thumbs - the original anonymous source told CWT, " we are not taking an offensive posture with the fishing industry, but we will now be able to monitor their actions worldwide - if the need arises we will be equipped to defend marine life with extreme prejudice."

White Rapper Files Racial Discrimination Lawsuit

2010-06-09T09:20:00.003-04:00

CWT - Atlanta. Cats With Thumbs sources inside the Dekalb County, Georgia courthouse report white rap artist " Snack-Cracker " will file a civil lawsuit early next week claiming racial discrimination and violation of his civil rights. CWT's contacts say the suit will name KillEveryBodyNow Productions L.L.C. and company chairman Thomas Wilson as defendants.

According to Cats With Thumbs insiders, the suit will charge KillEveryBodyNow Productions and chairman Wilson with "conspiring to deny the plaintiff (Snack-Cracker) his constitutional right to equal consideration for employment," and "exclusion of Mr. Cracker from contract consideration based on the plaintiff's Caucasian race."

In a telephone interview, Snack told our Cats With Thumbs Atlanta reporter: "The rap majority is always tryin' to keep the white man down. Seen Eminem around lately? It's a conspiracy - I can rap, I just ain't black."

A KillEveryBodyNow Productions spokesperson responded to "Snack Cracker's" allegations at a sit down with Cats With Thumbs Atlanta correspondent: " That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. He didn't get a contract because, frankly, he sucks. Have you listened to any of his stuff? It'll give you an aneurysm. It's like Dr. Seuss meets Frankenstein; I couldn't sell that screeching to an owl farm. He needs to change his name to "Crap-Packer."

CWT has learned that "Snack Cracker's" birth name is Thorton Fitzwilliam III; he is the son of a prominent Atlanta cotton exporter, was dismissed from several private high schools for failure to meet academic requirements, and was charged with misdemeanor assault in 2006 for forcing a group of elementary school children to sing along with his self-produced rap CD at an inner city Atlanta playground. The charges were later dismissed after assurances by his family that they would keep him on a tighter leash.

Cats With Thumbs asked cultural psychologist Petra Squeel to analyze the significance of the "Snack Cracker" lawsuit:

"This is the next logical progression in the phenomenon that is American rap music," Squeel told our CWT reporter; "traditional rap lyrics have a common origin in the black urban experience, but the beat transcends racial boundaries - young adults of all races and creeds becoming sexually active naturally gravitate to dance and the stimulating, persistent rhythm that today's rap provides. It is understandable that Mr. Cracker finds the music attractive, but he has no life experience common to the rap genre origins that lend any authenticity to his performance aspirations. His lawsuit is just an adolescent way of lashing out at his own failure."

The same KillEveryBodyNow Productions spokesperson responded to Ms. Squeel's assessment:

"Whatever - that little Buckhead bullshitter is costing me money. I turn down 20 rappers a day; he's just got daddy's money behind him to make a stink about it. If the little pissant had talent I'd sign him no matter what color he was. I'd sign an Iranian rapper if I thought it would sell, but, hell, they arrest those poor bastards for just thinkin' about rap."

Cats With Thumbs attempted to contact "Snack Cracker" for a response but was informed by the Fitzwilliam family attorney that he is currently in Switzerland undergoing self esteem enhancement and will not be available for comment until the pending lawsuit is adjudicated.

United Kingdom to Petition World Court for Return of Original 13 U.S. Colonies

2009-05-24T07:25:00.060-04:00

CWT, London, England. A confidential source inside the United Kingdom Office of the Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs reports that Her Majesty's ministers are finalizing a petition to the United Nations World Court for the return of the original 13 English colonies in the United States lost as a result of the American War for Independence. CWT's contact, who asked their name be withheld, told our reporter at London Station, " the ministers are absolutely giddy with anticipation of a favorable decision - they appear confident the petition will stand on the legal merits and believe the much maligned U.N. is ready to stick it to the U.S. if given the opportunity."

When asked by our CWT London Bureau why England would consider such a provocative move against a long time ally, our confidential contact reported, " We British never got over losing the colonies - oh, I know the history; Churchill, Roosevelt, and all that, but we have always subconsciously regarded you Americans as little more than recalcitrant adolescents - evidently the current government and Her Majesty feel the time is ripe to right a wrong that has festered in the British psyche for over 200 years. I also have it on good authority that the Queen grows ever more tired of the English damp and is keen on a second seat of Royal power at Myrtle Beach."

The American Revolution (1775–83), was a conflict between 13 British colonies on the eastern seaboard of North America and their parent country, Great Britain. France later intervened as an ally of the independent states, and the war resulted in the colonies becoming a separate nation, the United States of America. It is also known as the American War of Independence.

The end of the Seven Years’ War (1756–63), which had its North American beginning in 1754 and was known in America as the French and Indian War, resulted in the final expulsion of France both from the continent of North America and from India. In both cases French power was replaced by that of Great Britain. As a result, Britain became the preeminent power in the western hemisphere and supreme on the high seas. It enjoyed an enormous and growing volume of maritime commerce. Britain’s king, George III, who had succeeded to the throne in 1760, was determined to play an active role in governing the nation. Due to the king’s ineptitude, however, the result was political instability and a lack of direction in national affairs at the same time that Britain’s crisis with its American colonies developed.

" From what I can gather from the drafts I have read," our source continued, " the basis for the legal argument before the World Court will be King George III possessing the intellect of a peahen - when he usurped the power of Parliament and levied taxes on the colonies, it was, in fact, an illegal act without the consent of the elected body. Had George III been but marginally more cognizant than a boulder, there would have been no colonial uprising."

CatsWithThumbs London reporters confronted several barristers and an unidentified Ministry employee exiting Whitehall after what is believed to have been a closed door meeting to finalize the World Court petition. When asked to confirm reports of the petition to recover the 13 colonies from the United States, the barristers repeated "No comment." The unidentified Ministry employee replied, " I have no knowledge of the petition we are drafting and have nothing but the highest regard for the citizens of our 13 English colonies." The unidentified employee was quickly ushered away from our reporters and in to a waiting limousine.

Officials at the United Nations International Court of Justice, The Hague, Netherlands, would neither confirm nor deny the existence of the reported pending petition when questioned by CWT's Scandinavian Bureau: "It is our policy never to comment on pending matters before the court, which is not to say the pending petition is actually a pending matter." A high ranking U.N. World Court Officer, speaking only on condition his name be withheld, would only say, " The villa in the Hamptons was a gift from my parents and is in no way connected to the petition in question, if such a petition were to actually exist."

CatsWithThumbs asked our in-house legal counsel, Tickman Scribe, to analyze the motivation for such a petition and the chances it could be granted and verified by the U.N. World Court: " Well, on the face of it, it seems preposterous, but these are tough economic times and that could be a motivation for this petition; a deal could have already been done. The American midwest is suffering high unemployment and loss of automotive jobs - you give the 13 colonies back to England and you'll have a ton of folks moving out, and a lot of them will end up in Detroit, Chicago, etc., just in time to breathe some life into the dying American rust belt. Some will stay in the colonies, but they will be mostly college professors and dentists anticipating a surge of new English business."

As to the validity of the reported petition, Scribe asserts, " Declarations of independence are not recognized legal documents, never have been. You get your independence when enough powerful countries recognize you, then the rest of the world goes along. On the face of it, the United Kingdom does have a case - King George III of England was a documented idiot, and most historians agree had it not been for his unprecedented buffoonery, there would have been no revolt in the colonies, and thus, no United States of America. Even if the petition exists and is approved by the World Court, what then? How does the Obama administration plan to convince millions of Americans to accept British rule or move? I mean, he's pretty slick, but we're not talking about winning over a hundred google-eyed college freshman on this one."

Next Week: CatsWithThumbs asks the American People, " Do You Want to be English? "

Ku Klux Klan Attempts Makeover, Americans "Unimpressed"

2008-01-22T08:34:00.003-05:00

CWT - Aboard the Motor Vessel "Eva Braun" Somewhere in the South Atlantic. In an exclusive interview, exiled Grand Wizard of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Absalom Knib revealed to Cats With Thumbs a long range plan to revamp and revitalize the moribund white supremacist terror organization. Knib told CWT he aims to make the KKK " more user friendly " and " in touch with the younger generation."

The Ku Klux Klan, with its long history of violence, is the most infamous — and oldest — of American hate groups. Although black Americans have typically been the Klan's primary target, it also has attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals and, until recently, Catholics. Over the years since it was formed in December 1865, the Klan has typically seen itself as a Christian organization, although in modern times Klan groups are motivated by a variety of theological and political ideologies. Since the 1970s the Klan has been greatly weakened by internal conflicts, court cases, a seemingly endless series of splits and government infiltration. While some factions have preserved an openly racist and militant approach, others have tried to enter the mainstream, cloaking their racism as mere "civil rights for whites." Today, the Southern Poverty Law Center estimates that there are between 5,000 and 8,000 Klan members, split among dozens of different — and often warring — organizations that use the Klan name.

Cats With Thumbs interviewed Mr. Knib aboard ship in the open ocean, as the Grand Wizard is under indictment in the United States for several felonies and has been denied entrance to numerous foreign ports of call.
CWT: Mr. Knib, given that klan membership has drastically declined and you, the leader, are relegated to living on the high seas without a country, wouldn't you agree the Ku Klux Klan is finished?
Knib: Well, it looks bad now, but we're not done yet. I got together with some old pals from Deutsche Bank and we came up with a plan to get us rolling again.

CWT: Incidents of racial and ethnic violence have steadily declined in the U.S. the past 20 years; people as a whole seem to be maturing - how can you expect the klan to make a comeback when hatred is less a part of the American psyche every day?
Knib: Boy, you don't know squat, do you? You think just 'cause nuthin's going "boom" there's no hate? Everybody still hates the same people they always have - we've just been busy. With the economy mopin' along like it has the past few years, everybody's been scramblin' - not much time left over for cross burnin' and bomb throwin'.

CWT: So you believe the economy has a lot to do with how people view each other? If everyone has a job they don't need to bully or blame someone else for their situation?
Knib: Huh?
CWT: Never mind. What exactly does the klan want to do?
Knib: We want the same things we always have - no Blacks, no Jews, no Catholics, no Gays, and no immigrants in America.
CWT: Well, judging from the decline in klan membership, it doesn't seem like the "we" is a very large number.
Knib: Oh no, you're wrong there. There's just as many good folks out there that hate Blacks, Jews, and Catholics as there ever was; you just don't see'em much. Problem is, the news media and those liberal (expletive deleted) have everyone thinkin' violence is bad for you, like cigarettes or somethin'.

CWT: Uh-huh. If that's the case, how can you expect klan membership to increase?
Knib: I'm glad you asked. We're gonna' start next week with a brand new community outreach drive - you know, get the locals involved. We've already sponsored quite a few Ku Klux Klan Adopt a Highway programs and several counties in Alabama and Georgia now have Klan Scouts of America troops. We'll be having bake sales, covered dish suppers, those sort of things all sponsored at the local level. A real family KKK atmosphere.

CWT: I see. If this plan does not accomplish your goals, would you concede the KKK is a defunct organization and give up your campaign of ethnic terrorism?
Knib: You're nuts - I can wait. So what if nobody gets on board? I can always float around on this tub 'till the economy tanks again. Nuthin' like a good recession to get folks good and mad like they oughta' be.

IRS to Target Homeless "Scofflaws"

2008-01-17T12:38:00.003-05:00

CWT - Washington, DC. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source inside the United States Internal Revenue Service reports a new IRS policy will focus on "generating additional tax revenue from citizens without a permanent address or domicile." The new initiative, detailed in an internal IRS white paper obtained by Cats With Thumbs, " will aggressively collect long overdue tax obligations from unreported panhandling, begging, and windshield washing incomes from those citizens who have thus far avoided payment by refusing to maintain a fixed address or location." The IRS source, who asked that his name be withheld, told CWT, " There's millions, maybe billions of undocumented dollars out there in those little bags and paper cups - we didn't go after it before because, frankly, the collection process would have been a little sticky. We think we now have a good operational plan to track the 'street revenue' and insure taxes due are paid"

The new IRS initiative is the culmination of a 5 year Internal Revenue Study on the "migratory and spending patterns of undomiciled citizens in major metropolitan areas." " We've recognized this as an undeveloped revenue stream for some time," the IRS insider told CWT; " we just couldn't get a handle on where all the mobile tax dodgers were hiding. The organizations with the best numbers and information on undomiciled citizens refused to provide us with the help we needed - the Red Cross, the Salvation Army, Catholic Charities; none of them would budge, so we tracked them down ourselves." The IRS plan, operation B.U.M.S. (Bold Undocumented Money Solutions), calls for the recruitment and training of 500 special IRS "Bum Busters." CWT's IRS source revealed details of the plan on condition he remain anonymous: "Look, it's not like these tax evaders were hard to track down; we were just never allocated the resources to do it. Once we got the green light for the pre-implementation study there was nothing to it. The undomiciled are usually in one of three places - on a public thoroughfare panhandling, en route to purchase inexpensive, unhealthy food, or at rest in a predetermined location - usually an easily accessible doorway, heating grate, or storefront."

As documented in the IRS white paper, the plan calls for the additional 500 agents to " interdict and collect tax revenue at the initial transaction point." CWT's source elaborated on the operational details: " These elusive tax evaders don't keep their money in a bank, or at any other permanent location - to achieve the optimum attempt to collection ratio we have to be there when they receive the income. Our agents will be in place on street corners and alleys in major metropolitan areas throughout the United States, watching and waiting. When an undomiciled receives income from a passing citizen or motorist we'll be right there to collect for the United States Treasury."

When asked by Cats With Thumbs if resources might be better used alleviating the "undomiciled" status of the target population, our source explained: " We're the Internal Revenue Service; we collect taxes. If these people would stop trying to run from us and get a house, we'd mail them a form. They are hiding income in small containers where they think we can't find it - all that is about to change. They will pay their fair share like everyone else, house or not."

On the Campaign Trail - Special to Cats With Thumbs

2008-01-12T10:18:00.000-05:00

CWT - Cats With Thumbs Headquarters, Charleston, SC. Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates recently visited South Carolina to drum up support and energize their respective campaigns. Cats With Thumbs took advantage of the opportunity and hit the streets to get reactions and opinions from citizens across our home State. CWT will feature 4 of the front runners in each issue this week - here's what the people had to say:

Barack Obama

"How old is he? He looks like the kid that bags my groceries, and he always squishes my bread."

Ermeline Thelp, Charleston.

"I don't think my Mom likes him; I heard her say she'd like to throw down with him - he looks like the man that fixes things in the bedroom when Daddy isn't here."

Billy Farraday, Greenville.

"Too preachy. That's all he does - preach, preach, preach. We don't need a preacher in the White House."

Rev. Jesse Jackson, Ft.Mill

Hillary Clinton

"Seems qualified, but I was really hoping for a woman on the ticket this year."

Livonnia Preen, Aiken.

" Watch her face . . . she could break down and have a spittin' conniption any minute - I'm tellin' ya, that woman's clock is wound too tight and when the alarm goes off it won't be pretty."

Godfrey Whistle, Clemson.

" I wonder if she needs an intern? "

Monty Lewinski, Columbia.

John Edwards

" Oh . . . I thought he was the hotel manager - he seems very nice."

Crystal Pinch, North Augusta.

" How old is he? He looks like the kid that delivers the paper and he always throws it in the bushes."

Carmen Finster, Mt. Pleasant.

" Quite possibly the whitest man I have ever met."

Moses Singletary, Sullivan's Island.

Mike Huckabee

" Wasn't he on one of those kids' shows - 'Huckabee Hound' or something? I don't want a cartoon talking nukes with Putin."
Preston Squibb, Lancaster.

" He's OK, I guess, but he always seems like he'd rather be doing something else - like fishing or taking a nap."
Nora Whitesides, Myrtle Beach.

"Too preachy. That's all he does - preach, preach, preach. We don't need a preacher in the White House."
Pat Robertson, Spartanburg.

Animal Actors on Strike - Hollywood Scrambles to Find Replacements

2008-01-11T19:13:00.000-05:00

CWT - Hollywood. Cats With Thumbs Los Angeles Bureau reports that members of the Professional Animal Workers Society (P.A.W.S.) have staged an industry wide strike to protest low wages, substandard food, and unacceptable housing. P.A.W.S. is believed to represent over 8000 mammals, reptiles, and amphibians working as actors in movies, television, and advertising; CWT was unable to verify the exact membership roll, as none of the P.A.W.S. public relations officers contacted by Cats With Thumbs were able to communicate in a known human dialect.

CWT learned of the unprecedented animal action from a source inside a major advertising firm that specializes in animal theme marketing campaigns. When questioned by Cats With Thumbs, the production assistant was adamant the animal union was on walkout: "We started setting up as usual yesterday morning - we had a cough drop spot to do with a pair of cockatoos and an online dating campaign using a cat & dog couple. None of the animals would cooperate; it's crazy! The cats are scratching anyone who comes near, the dogs won't do squat, the birds have ruined the parking lot, and I won't even tell you about the monkeys."

Cats With Thumbs confirmed earlier today that lists of P.A.W.S. demands were delivered via carrier pigeon to most of the major motion picture, television, and advertising studios in the city. CWT spoke with the CEO of a major Hollywood marketing firm, who asked that his name be withheld due to pending negotiations with the animal union: "We thought it was some kind of prank, what with the writers being on strike; this is just like something those out of work 'Colbert Report' idiots would do - but then we started getting calls from the other firms around town. The Bugs'n Birds Studio over on North Highland was shooting an environmental non-profit spot and 4000 bumble bees took out two forest rangers and a girl scout. I mean, how do you negotiate with angry bees?"

CWT asked a well known Hollywood veterinarian how such a coordinated effort could be accomplished when none of the P.A.W.S. rank and file are able to operate a telephone or keyboard: "Don't be so sure," the vet admonished Cats With Thumbs, "psychologists, veterinarians, and pet owners world wide have long suspected our four legged friends communicate in ways we can't begin to understand." Cats With Thumbs reporters on the scene in Hollywood witnessed what appeared to be well orchestrated action by P.A.W.S. walkouts. Two gerbils and a muskrat were heckled and mocked by a group of striking crows as they attempted to cross the picket line on the set of 'Dr. Doolittle XVI.' Across town, the popular GEICO gecko was chased down a sewer pipe by a mob of cats from the Fresh Step Kitty Litter crew.

An original copy of the P.A.W.S. list of demands obtained by Cats With Thumbs was written in scrawled block print English on a piece of partially shredded newspaper. CWT's original source told our reporter: "We're pretty sure an elephant over at the Travel Channel wrote this. Her handlers believe she knows the alphabet and they suspect she's been sending hate mail to the lion pens for years - management questioned her yesterday, but she's not talking." The P.A.W.S. demands include dressing rooms to replace pens & cages, the same catered meals afforded human actors, and a wage scale equal to that of the Screen Actors Guild (SAG). "I don't see how we can meet these," an industry executive told CWT in confidence; "the laws in place set strict guidelines for what each animal, er, actor is to be fed. Hell, if it was up to me, they could sit next to Mel Gibson and wolf down all the caeser salad and tuna tar-tar they could handle. How am I going to build a dressing room for a hippopotamus? As for getting SAG wages, well, OK, but they don't have bank accounts - they don't have Social Security Cards, they don't even have fingerprints!"

In a show of solidarity with their more famous comrades, zoo animals nationwide refused to come out of their enclosures, make endearing gestures, play with toys, or be otherwise entertaining. The only exceptions seemed to be aquarium dolphins and porpoises - CWT's veterinarian contact believes, "the striking animal actors won't hold that against them; it's common knowledge dolphins are not natural complainers."

Illegal Immigrants Discovered Aboard International Space Station

2008-01-03T16:39:00.000-05:00

CWT-Houston. Cats With Thumbs Texas Bureau has learned from a confidential source at the NASA Johnson Space Center that five illegal immigrants were discovered aboard the United States Space Shuttle Discovery soon after it docked with the International Space Station on October 25, 2007. The three Ukrainian and two Romanian nationals were found inside a Shuttle Discovery cargo pod used to transport supplies from the earth to the space station. All five stowaways had obtained and were wearing NASA standard issue pressure suits; CWT's inside source reported all five were in "good health and jolly spirits" when they were escorted from their hideaway.

According to internal documents obtained by CWT from NASA, all five men were employed without work authorization or visas by a company under contract with the NASA Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Florida to maintain the grounds and landscaping near the shuttle launch gantry. A CWT contact inside NASA personnel revealed, " the landscaping company had been under investigation and all of the 'Space Station immigrants' had learned they would soon be detained and deported. I guess they figured 'what the hell.' I mean, who's going to go get them now?"

CWT obtained transcripts of satellite communications between the International Space Station and NASA Mission Control that reveal the five have been working aboard the space station since October 27th, "cleaning, doing the laundry, and taking out the trash" with no Space Station work permits - the transcripts also indicate they are being paid "substantially less" than the United States minimum hourly wage. The documents also detail a plan agreed upon by NASA, the European Space Agency, Japan, Canada, and Russia to "keep the whole thing quiet and ship them back to earth when we go back up for Shuttle Mission STS-122 in February."

When confronted with details of the communications, a senior NASA official would only speak to Cats With Thumbs off the record, on the condition his identity not be disclosed. "This is an unprecedented situation - the five 'visitors' asked for work the minute we popped the cork on the cargo pod and found them in there playing dominoes on a solar panel," the visibly disgruntled manager reported; "I mean, we're pretty short handed up there and there's a lot of tidying up that needs to be done on a daily basis - we've been under a lot of pressure from Congress to cut costs and those guys are hard little workers; they get right to it and never complain. What do you think, I'm gonna ask an astronaut with a doctorate to clean the toilet or make coffee?"

The immigration status of the five men is not known - they were all in violation of United States Homeland Security laws while working as undocumented aliens on earth, but there are apparently no provisions for deportation or extradition from outer space in the charter of the International Space Station. Although the American section of the ISS is considered United States territory, the Station is jointly administered by an international consortium - it is unclear if the "flying five," as they have been dubbed by the ISS crew, can be forced to return to earth against their will. The communications documents obtained by CWT suggest the Space Station astronauts would be happy for them to stay: " Leave'm here," one unidentified crew member told NASA mission control, " they keep out of the way and do what we tell them to. Once they have the dinner scraps cleaned up, they go back to their cargo pod to play chess and read poetry. We don't see'em unless we need'em"

One of the Ukrainian "space refugees" spoke with NASA after a week on board the ISS: "It's good, it's just fine up here. I have a computer so I can get Western Union online and send money home. The work is not too hard and it's nice and quiet. I don't like the Russian much, though."

The Department of Homeland Security refused official comment when contacted by Cats With Thumbs concerning the fate of the newest illegal immigrants. A U.S. State Department Consular official told CWT off the record, "It's an election year; ask Hillary and Rudy what they want to do with them. They can spin around in space washing dishes forever as far as I'm concerned."

Pope to Convert, Join Southern Baptists - Vatican "Dumbfounded"

2007-12-31T17:32:00.003-05:00

CWT-Vatican City. Cats with Thumbs Italian station reports Pope Benedict XVI will announce his resignation from the papacy and conversion to the Southern Baptist religion - sources inside the Vatican say Pope Benedict will make a public resignation Wednesday during the scheduled 10:00AM Papal Audience at St. Peter's square.

The Vatican press office would neither confirm nor deny the report when asked for an explanation by CWT reporters - several Cardinals, speaking on condition their names be withheld, said they were " shocked, dismayed, and, dumbfounded " at the news. " We just put that whole 'priests and child abuse mess' behind us, and now this," lamented one distraught bishop, " I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph; it's one thing after another!"

CWT sources at the Vatican could give no definitive reason for Pope Benedict's decision. " I think he's been a little miffed at the lack of press coverage," offered a member of the Vatican Swiss Guard; "Pope John Paul II was a hard act to follow - he survived an assassination attempt, helped bring down the Soviet regime; who's going to top that?"

A gift shop employee for 20 years at the Vatican agrees:"When John Paul was Pope we couldn't keep the shelves full - Pope T-shirts, Pope coffee mugs, Pope soap, you name it; if it had John Paul II on it, the tourists couldn't get enough of it. These days we move a few rosaries, a box or two of votive candles, maybe a St. Christopher medal now and then - nothing like the John Paul boom."

If Pope Benedict XVI resigns as reported, he will be only the fifth pope to abdicate in the 2000 year history of the papacy. Born Joseph Alois Ratzinger 16 April 1927, he is the 265th and reigning Pope, the spiritual head of the Catholic Church, and as such, Sovereign of the Vatican City State. He succeeded Pope John Paul II, who died on 2 April 2005 (and with whom he had worked before the Sede vacante). His abdication of office will require the Vatican College of Cardinals to meet in a special Papal Conclave to elect his successor.

Pope Benedict's reported conversion to the Southern Baptist religion was cause for much consternation and speculation among the Catholic faithful contacted by Cats with Thumbs." Well, I hate to see him go, but I can't say I don't empathise with him a little, " said a self-proclaimed "Christmas & Easter Catholic" interviewed by CWT outside St. Peter's Basilica. " He's probably just getting tired; we Catholics get a lot of exercise during mass - kneel down, stand up, genuflect, kneel down again - it can wear out even the occasional churchgoer, so I imagine the Pope would like to just sit still for a year or two."

Others believe Pope Benedict's reported frustration at his failure to make headlines led him to choose the Southern Baptists. " I know the Pope is a big fan of Billy Graham, and that guy was on T.V. every week," a steward in the Pope's private residence told CWT in confidence; "Pope Benedict hates having to get decorated like a Mardi Gras float every time he goes out. His Holiness really likes that Joel Osteen fellow, too; he thinks he's a snappy dresser."

CWT has learned several American religious television networks have contacted Pope Benedict with offers to develop weekly spiritual "televangelist" style programs. Among the titles being considered are "Hope from the Pope," " Down from the Mountaintop," and " The Joe Ratzinger Hour of Power."

Unfortunately, a Personal Note

2007-12-29T15:59:00.000-05:00

Our great friend Grandpa passed away this morning. We found him wandering around the neighborhood in May; fur in patches, way underweight, with severe back and allergy problems. He's been to our vet at least one day a week since we found him - steroids, clavamox, baytril, elavil, etc . . . We took him in Friday for another short term steroid injection; this morning he developed severe respiratory problems - we rushed him to the vet but he was gone soon after we got there. He was a fighter and wanted to live.
I promised myself I would not make this blog a personal diary or a "touchy-feely" narrative, but he was my friend, he was dealt a rotten hand, and he deserves a spot in the limelight. Say a goodbye prayer for Grandpa, if you would - I miss him terribly.

New Study Confirms Cats Consider Humans Inferior

2007-12-28T12:58:00.000-05:00

CWT - Boston. A three year study of feline behavior conducted by the American Veterinary Medical Consortium and the Winnt Foundation found that cats view people as little more than a necessary aggravation. " We finally have verifiable proof of what cat owners have long suspected," said Dr. Cyril Groom, the lead research analyst participating in the study; " the methodology for the study was comprehensive and the results were reproduced multiple times in hundreds of trials - feline psychological and emotional responses to human beings are the same as those for litter boxes, other cats, and noisy squirrels."

Dr. Groom added, " We determined what we have traditionally labeled 'feline aloofness' can be attributed to ' feline physiological inadequacy syndrome.' In layman's terms, cats are aware of their physical limitations and are, by and large, not happy about them. Cats resent having to depend on human beings for everyday tasks they believe they could accomplish more efficiently if they were only taller, had thumbs, and had access to computers. Observable manifestations of this syndrome are not responding when called, indifference to human affection, knocking small objects from elevated furniture, running for no apparent reason, and an aversion to closed doors."

CWT obtained a preliminary copy of the report and asked a focus group of cat owners for their reactions. "Well, no kidding," said Melva Thim, owner of two cats; " they needed a three year study to figure that out?" Feldman Snee has had his thirteen pound tabby for 11 years and also believes the study was a waste of time: " Three years of watchin' cats? What'd that cost, a million dollars? They could have paid me a thousand and I would have saved them a lotta trouble. I' been sayin' for years that if this fat furball ever figures out how to use the can opener and my credit cards, I'm done for."

Dr Groom advises cat owners, " to be aware that cats are, by nature, solitary animals. Housecats feel ashamed that they have become used to free food, warm blankets, and subsidized health care. This is not to say they do not enjoy the attention and creature comforts humans provide, but most cats would be just as content, if not more so, if they could obtain the wealth of perks humanity has to offer without human beings invading their space."

Dalai Lama Wins Powerball Lottery

2007-12-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

CWT-Dharamsala, India. CWT's Asian Bureau reports reliable sources have confirmed His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama holds a winning United States Powerball Lottery ticket. A spokesman for The Office of His Holiness the Dalai Lama (OHHDL), known in Tibetan as Kuger Yigtsang, informed CWT that the winning ticket for 338 million USD was purchased in October by an American admirer of the Dalai Lama and mailed to His Holiness in a Christmas card. " His Holiness makes every effort to read and respond to all correspondence, " said the official, " but over the holiday season we received so many cards and letters it became impossible to keep up - this one just slipped through the cracks until yesterday."

CWT has learned the winning ticket was purchased and mailed by Virgil Lempert of Quinine, West Virginia. Friends of Mr. Lempert say he was " very impressed " with the Dalai Lama when he watched the broadcast of His Holiness receiving the Congressional Gold Medal in October. According to Mr. Lempert's mother, Angel Lempert-McGillicutty, her son "has never been real religious, but he likes the television." Mr. Lempert is currently incarcerated at the Clamp County, West Virginia Detention Center awaiting trial for several animal husbandry violations - he was unavailable for comment. A West Virginia State Lottery official, who asked that his name be withheld "out of respect for The Lama," told CWT he has been in contact with the Dalai Lama and reports His Holiness " is pleased as punch with this wonderful surprise and is willing to do whatever he can to help Mr. Lempert work through his unfortunate livestock situation."

Indian government sources in Dharamsala told CWT the Dalai Lama is currently negotiating with the Chinese government to purchase Tibet. According to an Indian Foreign Service officer close to the situation, " the Chinese don't really want Tibet, anyway. They wandered in there 50 years ago, killed 100,000 peaceful Tibetans, and have been stuck there ever since. This Powerball Godsend will allow the Chinese to save face and give the Tibetans their country back."

It is unknown at this time if the Chinese will accept the one-time Powerball lump sum payment or opt for the 20 year annuity payout.

Wal-Mart to Buy Iraq?

2007-12-25T18:41:00.000-05:00

CWT - Bentonville, AR. Confidential Cats with Thumbs sources close to Wal-Mart corporation senior management report that the retailing giant has tendered a multi-billion dollar offer for the country of Iraq; negotiations are said to be " in the final stages," and could be completed as early as January, 2008.

Wal-Mart has expanded it's global reach at a record pace over the past decade, opening hundreds of outlets in Mexico, South America, China, and Japan. Tillman Bond, CWT's financial analyst, believes "owning a country outright is the next logical step for Wal-Mart. The initial capital expenditure will be huge, but given the tremendous savings they will see in reduced labor costs, regulatory compliance, and taxes, the country ownership model could show a profit in as little as three to five years." Other financial professionals, speaking off the record, were unsure if Wal-Mart could finalize the deal; " who are they going to buy it from?, " a Goldman Sachs broker asked, " it's not as if there is a title somewhere to take to the closing."

CWT's Wal-Mart sources report that both United States and Iraqi government officials have been involved " at every stage of the negotiation process." If the sale goes through, the United States would be relieved of the huge cost in lives & money, as policing Iraq would become Wal-Mart's responsibility. CWT reporters on the ground say Iraq is looking favorably at the proposal; Wal-Mart has promised Iraqi officials management positions at their choice of stores and agreed to hire thousands of unemployed Iraqis as greeters at new border checkpoints. CWT spoke with rival Sunni and Shiite militants; both sides agree a Wal-Mart takeover would be a boon to the country and look forward to buying quality American made firearms and ammunition at everyday low prices.

CWT insiders say Wal-Mart was considering "Wahabbi-Mart" for it's Iraq outlets, but settled on " Wadi-Mart " to avoid any political or religious backlash.

Putin Declared "Tsar of All the Christmases"

2007-12-24T18:01:00.000-05:00

CWT-Moscow. Vladimir Putin, fresh from his successful orchestration of Russia's latest power shuffle, was awarded yet another title, " Tsar of All the Christmases," at a special assembly of the Russian Parliament. Russia's newly elected (?) President, Dmitry Medvedev, presided over the ceremony, presenting Putin with a jewel-encrusted fur cap embroidered in gold with the title " Vlad the Claus " on the brim. Duma members rose in unison and applauded as a beaming Putin declared, " now Christmas is the law."

Only last week, Putin, prevented from seeking another term as President by the Russian constitution, successfully manipulated his United Russia party protege' and longtime ally Medvedev into Russia's highest office - Medvedev immediately returned the favor and appointed Putin Prime Minister. Veteran Kremlin watchers threw up their hands in disgust when news of Putin's Christmas coup was announced. " What's next," moaned a German reporter, who asked that his name be withheld, " Minister of the New Year? He has the media, the military, the government, energy, and now Christmas - might as well give him the calendar, too."

Even before the award ceremony adjourned, hundreds of Russian FSB (formerly KGB) officers fanned out across the countryside to enforce the Christmas spirit. "I almost had a heart attack," exclaimed Olga Semonova, an 80 year old grandmother living on the outskirts of Moscow. " I survived Stalin huddled in this house terrified the Chekists would come and take me. This morning two FSB thugs in Santa hats almost beat down the door, hand me a metal Christmas tree, and tell me I have to go to church and be jolly or they'll be back. Nothing ever changes!"

Lev Abramovich watched the Duma ceremony on a big screen TV in Moscow's subway. " If he grabs Chanukah next year, I'm moving to Tel Aviv."