CatScratchFever

50+ First dates

2012-01-09T00:39:00.000-05:00

I think I might start vlogging about all the terrible dates I've been on.

Perhaps I can convince Peaches to make some videos about her disasterous love life with me. :)

For Anon

2011-10-22T12:53:00.001-04:00

So, Anon asked, "Why don't you blog anymore?", and I think it only fair to give them an answer.

There are a few reasons I don't make time to blog anymore, the first of these being my lack of time. I have been busier than ever this year-- going to school full time, working as a teaching assistant, fund raising for my summer missions trip, and, as always, dealing with my ongoing family drama. With all of these responsibilities, plus trying to keep a social life and investigating potential grad schools, I just don't make blogging a priority of mine.
Secondly, various thoughts and emotions that I have expressed on this forum, have gotten me into a bit of trouble. I am not trying to defend what I wrote, because I still contend that it was inappropriate. However, just because what I wrote was inappropriate doesn't mean that I don't feel a sense of violation from the backlash I recieved.
The point is, that between my lack of time and lack of incentive to write, I just don't see the point in doing it anymore.

Celibacy or Lesbianism

2011-08-29T22:35:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've written anything, but, in all honesty, I was feeling a little burned and a little ashamed from the backlash of my last couple of posts.

Alas, I have a few internal dilemmas that I must work out with words. Enjoy watching the shit show that this is sure to be.

First of all, I'm struggling with one sided friendships and relationships. It seems that everyone, especially some of my oldest friends, is content to use me as an emotional dumpster. However, when I need a shoulder to cry on, no one seems to be anywhere in sight. I'm beyond exasperated with this relational pattern.

Next, as always, I am having boy troubles! Has anyone else ever noticed that as soon as you find someone and you're comfortable and happy, past love interests and new interests start crawling out of the wood work? It's almost as if boys can smell happiness on me and they won't leave me alone until they've successfully muddied that scent.

And finally, I would like to voice my annoyance with boys and their intentions. See, I have a problem with the differences between Christian and secular boys. When you meet a secular guy, he will tell you (either by actions or words) exactly what he expects to get out of a relationship with you. He will make his interests clear, ask you out, and follow up on the first date if he is interested enough. The only problem with secular guys is they can't respect my spirituality. Then there are Christian boys. Sigh. You can never tell if they're interested in you or not because half of the time they're trying to do "god's work" and be loving to all people, which is easily mistaken as a sign of interest. Then, if they are actually interested, they spend most of their time trying to decide whether you're godly enough to be interested in.

Honestly, I can't win. I'm always confused these days about guys. I'm either too spiritual or not religious enough.

Sometimes I'm Wrong.

2011-08-06T18:32:00.000-04:00

As I'm sure some of you know, there was a post on my blog from earlier this week that I have now deleted.

I deleted it for a few reasons. For one thing, it was inappropriate and hurtful, but also I realize that just because I have had too much to drink and I am frustrated with everything going on in my life, that does not give me an excuse to be an utterly insensitive asshole online--even if this is my blog.

So, I would like to make this a public apology. I am not sure who all I have managed to offend with my thoughtless words, but I am very sorry for any hurt I have caused anyone.

I will be gone volunteering in the boonies of New York this week, but when I come back, if anyone would like to discuss my drunken stupidity with me, you are most welcome to do so. I would actually encourage you to do so-- that way I can know who exactly I have offended and extend a more personal apology to you.

Boys, Boys, Boys

2011-07-21T00:10:00.001-04:00

They are the never ended source of my problems. And unsurprisingly, I have a dilemma...involving a boy. Now I am not sure if these are old feelings being reawakened, or whether it is my boredom acting out, or whether I am just feeling the lack of male attention, but lately it seems I have a bit of a crush.

Now, I would love to give my readers all the details about this boy, but there is one problem; I don't know who all reads my blog these days and incriminating myself is not high on my list of things to do.

All I can say is that there would be so many hurdles to overcome if we ever ended up together. Just thinking about it is exhausting. One of the main issues is that once upon a time he had a crush on me, but I broke his heart and I'm not sure he would even see me in that fashion anymore. So, logically, I should be convincing myself this is a terrible idea, but my daydreams refuse to see reason.

I think I'm in trouble-- what a shocker. Sigh

(and as a note to my sisters and everyone else, I do not want to discuss it so don't ask me about it)

Shitted on 'em

2011-07-20T23:56:00.000-04:00

There were posts that I had scheduled to write this past weekend, but life got in my way and I was too busy spitting acid and stewing over certain incidents to actually sit still for a moment.

I have contemplated the hurtful things that have been said to me and I have decided that blogging about them at this point in time would be spiteful and childlike. Basically, all I can tell you guys is that this weekend people were shitting on me (figuratively, of course) left, right, and center-- even people I love. Once I have everything resolved I will fill you all in though. In the mean time, I did find a few seconds to sketch how I was feeling:

I have a title picked out, but again, it would be childish of me to post at this time. (or ever)

xoxo

Censorship

2011-07-15T17:08:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am quite opinionated. So when a friend of mine brought up the topic of literary censorship, conversation became quite heated.

Now, my conservative friend contends that she must read everything her children select before they are allowed to venture into the novel. Since her kids are 6 and 7, I can't say that her actions are completely insane. However, when she said she would probably continue this practice into their teens, it took every shred of self control to not scream in her general direction. She proceeded to tell me that she didn't want to fill her kids' minds with things she didn't believe in and she didn't think kids should pick their own literature because they will do what they see/read.

As a child, reading is learning. Obviously books are not the only form of learning, but literature teaches us about things we may not otherwise have a chance to see or hear. Personally, I know that reading has helped me in so many ways. For example, when I was "homeschooled" for two years, my mother didn't bother to teach us anything. So I spent my days curled up in my room reading the only materials available in the house: a small Sherlock Holmes novel and a plethora of smut. Since I was only about 12 years old, the latter material wasn't exactly 'appropriate', however, when I was tested for my grade level, I was allowed to enter my proper grade because my reading levels were excellent. Unfortunately for my siblings, most of them were held back a year because they lacked essential acamdemic skills.

Clearly, my case isn't typical, but my point is that if your child wants to read anything, you should let them. It allows them to question what they know and develop their own views on the world. (This also doesn't mean I would advise tossing smut into tweens' laps and encouraging them to read it) All I know is that when I have kids, they will not need my approval for their reading material. I will content myself with knowing what book they are reading, letting them know my opinion of them reading it, and prepare myself for any discussing that may arise because of the chosen novel.

So if someone says "monkey see, monkey do" to me one more time about this topic, I will simply ask them:

How then have you managed to not have an affair given all the smut you digest?
How then have you managed to successfully avoid arrest from all the murder mysteries that are obviously clouding your judgement?
And finally, how then have you managed to avoid getting knocked up by all friendly mystical creatures roaming around? Lord knows vampires are dying to impregnate any woman they can get their hands on these days.

Because, somehow, though I have read all of the Harry Potter series, countless classic novels, and a ridiculous amount of plays, I have managed to avoid becoming a giant slut, I have never sold my soul to the devil, I am not a witch (sadly), I am not an addict of any kind, and I have never been tempted to harm another person.

Surprisingly, even at 12, I was able to distinguish between what is acceptable and what is part of a story.
Who would have thought, huh.

Adults, please stop patronizing your children. Respect the rate that they mature and give them some freedom-- being overbearing helps no one in these situations. Also, being closed minded to other people's views on life, religion, love, etc. will only hinder your child-- let them explore! Terrible things happen when we allow children to mature with closed minds.

I am a Story Collector

2011-07-11T23:45:00.000-04:00

I am always so thrilled to sit and listen to someone's personal story. Nothing is more comforting to me than sharing in an individual's history-- somehow it always makes me feel less lonely.
It is as if the universe is sending me a reality check with each new conversation. The cosmos scream to me that: things could be worse, I am not the only one facing trials, and that I need to turn my pain into something productive. They also whisper that the storyteller I am attentively listening to has been sent to teach me something new and beautiful-- to restore my faith in humanity.

Alas, I must confess that my heart has selective hearing and some life lessons have fallen on deaf ears. Often I forget to listen to the whispers of the universe because I am distracted by the blatant truth that my pain coincides with that of another. Such naked truths are not terrible things to be reminded of, however, there is far more to learn from each character's journey.

So, I have decided that I want to meet new people and find new stories. Stories of my own and those bestowed upon me by others who fight their way through life.

xoxo,
Cat

4th of July

2011-07-04T23:56:00.000-04:00

Tonight I am bitter with men. It seems like I'm always on the verge of tossing my expectations for humanity out the window and the people that are generally pushing me over the edge happen to be of the male species.

This evening, being the 4th of July, was wonderful. There was a bbq, friends, mild flirting, good conversation, and fireworks! Everything was splendid-- I was surrounded by people I love and having a great time. Then we decided to drive to the waterfront, park, and wait for the light show to begin and my evening was damn near close to ruined.

As my godparents and I were patiently sitting, a random dude in a truck pulls up next to us, parks, and decides he is going to watch the fireworks with us. (which would have been fine if he had been anyone else)

Buddy was a giant meathead that somehow managed to grate on my ever nerve with each syllable he uttered.

Not only did he blab about nothing non-stop, but he also found numerous was to offend me. The list of offenses include (but are not limited to) : racism, misogynistic remarks, continuous Canada bashing, and his disregard for others watching the display.

His babbling about how dumb everyone else is and whether the last pair of lesbians he saw were 'super hot chicks', had me ready to snap out smart remarks at any second or slap him in the face. The entire time this man was leaking verbal diarrhea about 'hot chicks', all I could see was a sea full of other men just like him and a future alone.

I don't want to hate on men, but it seems these idiots are every where and there isn't anything else to choose from. And if that is the case, I would much rather be alone and have scandalous liaisons for the rest of my life.

Blerg

2011-06-29T15:36:00.000-04:00

I cannot tell a lie, so truthfully, I have been bored with my life this summer. I can't get into too much trouble this summer since I am under the watchful eye of my "godparents", so my antics have been reduced to biking, helping my friend with charity fundraising, and trying to get some summer reading in.

My life has been reduced to a monotonous, repetitious, lazy, depressing adult lifestyle. I don't know how I'm going to cope in this world when I graduate from school and this kind of lifestyle is expected of me on a regular basis. It will probably kill me.

I need an adventure or a co-writer to work on some unfinished projects with me.

As if I didn't have a lack of inspiration before this, you can only imagine how dry my creative writing well is now. I don't even have things to complain about that I could post on here with out offending at least one person I'm in regular contact with. Dammit.

I'm going to listen to Billy Joel and various other songs that put me in an angsty mood. Maybe I'll get something creative out of myself yet today.

blerg

Spectacles.

2011-06-27T22:38:00.000-04:00

The only new thing in my life I feel like blogging about is MY LATEST EYE GEAR.

The rest of my life is boring or far too private for me to share with the entire world.

Sorry I look like poo. I am currently watching Family Guy and getting ready to crawl into bed with a book!

Goodnight,
xoxo

One is the Loneliest Number

2011-06-15T23:28:00.000-04:00

This may seem dramatic, but I feel as if I have lost all my friends....well my canadian ones at least.
I feel more than distant from some of my favourite people but I also feel like I'm the only side that cares that the distance is there. I'm not asking for everyone to reschedule their lives to see me, but a text or email is nice every now and then.

Everyone always seems to disappear whenever a relationship with me proves slightly difficult-- it is both depressing and exasperating. To say the least, I am incredibly lonely.

Sleep will cure me for the time. Sweet dreams.

PTSD

2011-06-13T14:22:00.000-04:00

I think I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That is all.

Last Friday Night..

2011-06-05T23:02:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was intense...in a good way!
I cannot actually post everything that happened for fear of offending or hurting someone, but all in all, it was a fun, super busy time.
I was visiting my cousin and we did everything from digging our own firepit in the backyard to tanning mostly naked next to a church to family time with her mom and our grandma to planning a Cuba trip after we'd had a few drinks.
Basically, if you listened to Katy Perry's song T.G.I.F., the weekend was something similar to those lyrics (minus the stranger in my bed)

However, I'm now exhausted because sleep was not on our agenda of things to accomplish. It was nice to get away and have some time with my friends and family though.

xoxo

Laundry day

2011-06-01T15:21:00.000-04:00

I am so bored right now! I'm currently doing my laundry and parading around my house in my underwear. I think I might pull out the hammock and finish up one of my books!

There's nothing better to do here right now.

I ramble quite often...

2011-05-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday in church (yes, I go. I'm not a complete heathen) I was given an annoying reality check. As some of you may remember, I blogged about a particular person at my church last year. We had a nasty exchange or words-- he said things to me that were completely out of line and I may have returned his remarks with my bad attitude, and since then we have not spoken. Up until recently, I thought I had come to terms with what he thought about me and my disappointment in him. Then when I realized that he was the person that was to deliver the Sunday message, I was immediately annoyed and could barely force myself to sit through the service. I couldn't stop thinking about our last conversation and how our disagreement is still to this day unresolved-- I was angry. So I wrote a note to one of my friends next to me about how I was feeling and all she wrote back was,
"What do you need from him to let this go? You know that he can be a dink, and this is harming you more than it harms him. How will you find a way to forgive him?"

The only answer I truly had for her was that I wanted an apology. But what if he wouldn't give me one? Would I just walk around with this unnecessary emotional burden for the rest of my life?
In that moment I realized two things, 1) I didn't want to become bitter with something so stupid because that is something my mother does, and 2) I realized that no one really ever teaches you the meaning of hard words Words like love, forgiveness, regret, loss, or happiness.
Sure, it's easy for someone to say, "love your enemies" or, "you must forgive them", but how do you do these things? What does it really mean to actively love and forgive?

Truth is, I guess no one can really understand them until they've experienced each emotion. So, how could someone explain the principles behind all those words when an individual doesn't have experience with them? The truth is lost on people without experience-- we cannot forgive without first being angered, we cannot feel loss until we first learn to love, and we cannot know regret without first recognizing happiness.

I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive when someone won't give you what you think you need, so don't ask me for answers about serious words that are tossed around too often. I have theories, but no real answers.

Sigh,
I guess that's all.

xoxo

GPOY

2011-05-30T23:04:00.001-04:00

I am a Moon Girl

2011-05-27T21:03:00.000-04:00

My very best friend is quite the talented writer. She has such skill for extracting beauty from the english language and presenting it in its most exquisite, concentrated form. Today, I was reading through some of her poetry and I just needed to start sketching again. I couldn't resist my empty notebook. Which is kind of strange since I haven't actually sat down to sketch since my senior year in highschool. For a few years now, I haven't felt very connected to my creative side, but this past year has been a bit of a journey in recovering it. As per usual, Lindsay has stood by me and encouraged me in any way she could. She even wrote a poem for me. It is, to this day, my most prized gift and I will now share it with you. my faithful readers.

Moon Girl

She was born in the middle of space, came hurtling

through it like a comet, still and small and sleeping

and the universe itself was dark and spinning:

a kaleidoscope in her memory.

When she landed on Earth, the moon was in her eyes

and they change in and out of her terrible beauty

and her face is marked with space and time

and the carelessness of sailing meteorites.

She was born in the middle of space and accustomed

to moon gravity, where falling is silent and landing

feels like nothing, so here she falls

furiously to land and feel feeling.

Here she is screaming to hear herself screaming

(she echoes) for forgetting and changing and leaving.

I hadn't read Moon Girl in a few months and when I revisited it this afternoon, this is one of the sketches I was compelled to create:

I don't really think it's my favourite of the series, but it's the one I have available to show you right now.

xoxo,
Cat

Meme for Life

2011-05-27T00:55:00.001-04:00

I am becoming a lesbian. Boys are driving me crazy and this is no new development in my life. Boys seem to be the only kinds of males I attract. Not men, no, because men keep their promises, don't ignore you, and have the courtesy to tell you exactly what they are thinking and those are not the type of males that flock to me. I don't actually know why it bothers me anymore-- I should be immune to such stupidity by now. However, each time the situation plays out exactly like the last and I'm just as frustrated and angry as I was before.

So the obvious solution to my dilemma is homosexuality. Unfortunately, I don't believe people just wake up one morning and decide their sexuality. I guess this means I will just end up living with my wifey on a farm where we will breed unicorns and kittens for the rest of our days.

Shoebox Memories

2011-05-23T17:50:00.000-04:00

I was just cleaning some old documents off of my laptop and came across an msn conversation I had saved from over a year ago.

It's silly the flood of memories one little conversation can bring to mind. You suddenly feel all the same emotions you felt surrounding that conversation-- your happiness, excitement., hesitation, and in this instance, how infatuated I was.

Looking at what has happened between him and I since that conversation, I can't help but feel a little nostalgic for the days when we casually bantered and learned how similar we really were. Seeing how happy I was even when we were just friends is almost tempting enough to make me contact him.

So I must remind myself of his heart breaking habits. I must remember the days I cried for hours and the hurtful things he said at the end. I will not allow myself to forget how little I meant to him.

In the Pursuit of Happiness

2011-05-20T00:20:00.000-04:00

I am ever amazed at how the people we encounter everyday make personal reflection so simple for us if we care to take a moment and reflect. What I mean is that comparisons are normal-- they're a part of our human nature, and when you spend enough time with people who hold different religious, personal, and family values, comparing is not only normal, but, I believe, healthy.
I say this because yesterday I had a sleepover with one of my little sisters and her best friend. After three years of very limited contact with my younger sister, it is obvious that she and I have both changed and are different people.

Our hang out was actually quite the personal breakthrough for me. We have changed so much and are on such vastly different life paths, that I couldn't help but stop and think about our differences and similarities.

Honestly, I don't think we could be more different. I don't mean that in a bad way, because there are things I love and admire about my sister, but the realization also encouraged me about the person that I am and will become. At the same time, some things that happened made me worry about the person my sister is ALLOWING herself to become.

Now, I could be very wrong about some of my observations and interpretations, but only time will really tell.
However, since this is my blog, the rest of this post will focus on me!

What I realized about myself during our interactions is that I admire myself, not in a conceited kind of way, but I finally see some of the characteristics people have always told me I possess. For example:

I am ridiculously strong willed and almost completely independent
I am proud (probably too much so on occasions)
I am a loud attention whore
When I know what I want, I get to work and make it happen
I do not believe people should use personal experiences as crutches
I try very hard to be empathetic without condescension and without enabling laziness
I am selfish in certain areas of my life
The fact that I am constantly restless and wanting more out of my life is not a bad thing-- searching for happiness and success is the only way to find it
I constantly examine and analyze myself, my decisions, and my actions
I love learning with all my heart
I cannot do something merely because someone says to, I must find its truth for myself
I am spiritual while doing my best to avoid being ignorant and closed off to others' beliefs
I am mostly open minded to other people's views on life

Most importantly, though, I recognize that this is my life and I only have one go at it. I cannot constantly exist without questioning things, learning the lessons I need to learn, encountering as many cultures and people as I can, or without adventure. I realize it is my job to find my own happiness, that no one can lead me into it-- if I merely follow other people, I will end up living their dreams, wasting my life, and ultimately being unsatisfied. In short, I would have composed myself into a tragedy instead of the comedic drama I truly desire.

I don't intend this post to be a personal pat on the back, but with all my heart, I want this to be an encouragement to my siblings, and anyone else reading it--go discover the you you so desperately want to be and marvel in the wonders of this world. Nothing means more to me in this world than my siblings, and I want nothing more than for them to be self aware and in that awareness, be happy and lead a fulfilling life. I have learned plenty from all seven of them; oldest to youngest, they have all taught me individual, important life lessons that have shaped me into what I am now. I merely hope I can and will continue to teach and help them in return.

xoxoxo,
Cat

Pretending to be normal

More accurate representation of individual personalities

I Only Get Naked Out of Self Hate

2011-05-17T00:41:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning, rolled my beyond exhausted, nearly naked tush out of bed and stumbled towards my closet. (No, I was not hungover I just pride myself on hating mornings)

Before my mind could register anything besides my hatred for alarm clocks, I opened my closet door and was forced to face the one thing that has tormented me since childhood: my own reflection.

My first thoughts of the morning (and nearly everyong morning for the last 15 years), "I look so much skinnier before I eat anything for the day. I wonder if I can get away with not eating today? Why does everyone always watch what I eat? Oh, god, why did I get the most awkward combination of body parts in my family? Does my face always looks so puffy? Thank God only a few people see me with no make-up! Thank God even fewer people see me this naked. When will I finally get my turn to be skinny and beautiful? Now what can I wear to accentuate my boobs and hide the rest of me?"

Truth is, more days than not, I hate myself. I hate everyone for making me hate myself-- the forty year old women who are 2 sizes smaller than me and have never faced being overweight in their lifetime, my family who have all had their youthful 'glory days' of perfect bodies, my friends that can go to the beach care free in a bikini, people who can eat whatever they want and feel a shred of worry or guilt, and everyone who has ever made fun of or pointed out the flaws of a fat little girl.

Why do I need to look like the images and people I see everyday? Why can't I celebrate my odd belly button, my inability to get my weight under 140, my small boobs, large hips and lack of an ass? Is it really alright that my weight can bring me to tears? Who gets to say that my body type is the ugly one? Why is it ever alright to allow someone to feel of such little worth?

I will never be a size 2. I want to be okay with that. I don't want to be penalized for not torturing my body.

I'm tired of never being good enough for myself and for everyone else.

Back to the Reality of Being Single

2011-05-15T23:42:00.001-04:00

It would appear that I need external motivation to update my blog--so as per usual, the universe obliged my needs and sent me some personal discord.
Yet another break up has come and gone. Luckily, this one was not as devastating as my last one; it was more disappointing than anything. Long distance is very difficult and rarely works out, so I was quite understanding when he told me he was having a very hard time with it.

Yes, I still care for him and I miss him quite a bit. No, he was not an ass in any way and I don't desperately and pathetically long for him to come back.

He still remains the sweetest boy I have ever date and he showed me that I deserve better than what I was settling for before he came along. However, two things, about this break-up in particular, really bother me:

What I miss most, is that we were friends-- just very comfortable with one another. I miss laying in bed and reading to each other, napping in his apartment when I would lock myself out of mine, dancing in my kitchen to classic rock, studying for our finals together, and when he would make me dinner. The longing for those little things always gives me a sense of joy and pain--I am so glad that we shared those things and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything, but at the same time I realize it won't be like that again. We can't just fall asleep reading in my bed or annoy our roommates with our constant togetherness. I have to store the memories of our relationship somewhere secret in my heart and pretend nothing of importance happened between us.

The other aspect of the break up that eats away at me is that I can't help but think about him being with other girls. I suppose this also applies to my other break-ups, but I really didn't actively think about it until recently. I hate thinking about him making other girls dinner, or playing with another girl's hair when she is upset, or possibly having the same inside joke with her that we created. When I think about the unnamed intimate quirks our relationship developed and the possibility that they will be bastardized in his next relationship, I can almost bring myself to tears. I have never been very good with sharing especially when it comes to things I hold secretly dear to my heart.

So I want to believe that another disappointment will only make me stronger when it comes to relationships, but in reality, I know that it is resurrecting the very guarded and emotionally unattached girl I once was.

How can I ever really love someone again when my fear of disappointment will make me hesitate in opening up to them?

I honestly believe I am destined to be a bachelorette forever.

My Apologies

2011-05-10T23:27:00.000-04:00

It appears that I am THE WORST BLOGGER of ALL time. I never update anymore, but I have a feeling that that is all about to change.

I usually start updating when my world is in a state of upheaval, and that is exactly where my life is at right now.

So stay tuned--hopefully I can provide you all with a few laughs or at the very least a smile.

A Peak into our Lady Caves

2010-12-15T00:35:00.005-05:00

During the course of a typical conversation between my cousin and I, one particular subject continues to resurface--our vaginas.

Now if you are uncomfortable with the term vagina or what that term represents, I must insist you divert your eyes now and not venture further into this post.

You see, Kay and I both have a love/hate relationship with our vaginas--they're quite problematic (we blame this on our Copland genetics-- as with all genetic and personality defects)

Now, this may sound sexist or feminist, but in all honesty, men you have it easy. Let us walk you through a typical year in the life of a vexatious vagina.

January - The month of New Year's resolutions. Everyone wants to go to the gym and loose weight, right?
Well you can be sure that your vagina will be less than happy about this considering its general area will be surrounded in sweat. Causing your Sea Food Six Pack to revolt and present you with a lovely yeast infection. Now you must beat the bulge and combat the mold in the fold.

February - The month of Love. For those of you who are lucky enough to be having sex at this point in time, some of you may be able to relate to this. Orgasms are sometimes tricky little phenomenons and God forbid a male know how to locate your Bliss Button. We should start making maps and handing them out in high school healthclass.

March - The month of Green--but for some of us red. This month has to do with menstruation, simply because of personal experiences. St. Patrick's Day is coming up, but you are bloated, crampy, and achey. So much for going out drinking with your friends--instead you can't drink beer because you're already retaining water, not to mention moving in general makes you look like the Hunchback.

April - The month of Easter. All those wonderfully, coloured eggs can't help but to cause you to worry about the birth control pill you forgot to take the other night. Now you will spend the rest of the month wondering whether one of your personal eggs has been fertilized. Even if you are one day late, you will rush out to the nearest drugstore and purchase the first overpriced peestick you can lay your hands on. Good thing all that Easter chocolate is laying about to help relieve your stress.

May - The month of Flowers. Spring has finally arrived and like the cute little animals around you, you're humping anything that moves. This is all fun and games until your Petunia decides it does not like your new partner(s). I hope your season of heat was worth the bacterial infection you will now have for the next 7-10 days.

June - The beginning of Summer. Everyone is happy, taking vacations, out of school, and loving the sun. People are mostly free to do what they want and who they want. All this extra nooky will leave your Rattlesnake Canyon drier than the Sahara Desert. For those of you who don't know, this is MOST uncomfortable. Our advice: He needs to lick it before he sticks it.

July - The month of Independence. However, feminism has not succesfully freed women from the 'no hair down there' rule. Brazilian waxing, however fashionable it may be, is one of the top 10 tortures your Honeypot will be forced to endure throughout the summer. Because even though dudes with chests hairier than Austin Powers are allowed to strut around in speedos, women with stubble are greatly frowned upon.

August - The month of Humidity. Those of us who surprisingly do not enjoy humidity, are often found along the beach during this time of year. After enjoying days of fresh water, sandy towels, and countless beach bodies, your Bikini Bizkit has decided you have put it through too many climate changes. Congratulations, you have just developed your second yeast infection of the year.

September - The month of Education. Since its the month of learning, hopefully everyone was paying attention in sexEd. It's probably a good idea to have your partners tested BEFORE you engage in coitus (and going with them to ensure they've actually been tested doesn't hurt either). This will ensure that your Pandora's Box does not contract STIs such as chlamydia (which 1 in 4 women will contract at some point) or something more serious. Since women's Hot Pockets are breeding grounds for bacteria and such, you are far more likely to contract something than those of the opposite sex. No one wants to walk around smelling like a giant tuna.

October - The month of Midterms. However, no one actually cares about midterms because all females are attempting to outslut the next with her halloween costume. As you have choosen a halloween costume with the shortest possible skirt, made out of the thinnest material, you can be sure trouble awaits you. Obviously, when wearing an outfit like that, your Count Fapula will decide you need some irregular spotting. Nothing can ruin a night quite like drunkenly scrambling through a stranger's bathroom in a deseperate search for a tampon.

November - The month of Hair. Everyone knows about No Shave November. What a lot of people don't know is that tons of women participate. In fact, this is the only month that our Fuzzy Peaches get a break from waxing, shaving, and worst of all, ingrown hairs. For those men that do not comprehend the concept of manscaping, you will just have to deal with our Panty Hamsters being au naturel.

December - The month of Celebration. The holiday season is just around the corner, and you are busy making preparations for family functions. Suddenly you remember your overly religious (insert family member[s] here) is going to be present and it will soon be time for you to deliver an oscar worthy dramatization of the innocent, virginal you. While dodging questions regarding your sexuality and relationship status, you attempt to disguise the discomfort you are feeling from the fissures on your Reindeer Hoof, acquired during your last night of rough passion. Until the healing process is complete, the only rough nights you will be having are those induced by excessive alcohol consumption.

If you cannot see the inconvenience in having a Copland vagina, then clearly your female anatomy is superior, or you have the intelligence of a Pound Cake.

*DISCLAIMER* These stories belong to multiple persons from the Copland family, not just my cousin and myself.

xoxoxo,
Cat and Kay