Caz Quits Smoking

I Think I Have Done It!

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Wed, 18 May 2016 19:56:00 +0000

I have been quit for almost a year now. I have not updated here in so long. I just could not continually write the word fuck every two words.

I am still struggling. Yep, imagine that! I do not feel like I have successfully quit as of yet but I have made it this far and I have no intention of going through all that shit again.

I have eaten myself into oblivion. I have gained so much weight that I now have other health issues that I need to deal with.

I ended back up in counseling due to not being very easy to get along with after quitting. The same old shit occurred. I think I wanted a divorce about 100 times and I still think my kids do not like the new me. I don't even know who I am anymore. How the hell does smoking affect you that much? Shame on me for ever starting!

I am going to try and get this weight off without taking smoking back up.
My journey is here

While I am quietly proud of myself. I could never take even a puff of another ciggy. I have days where I secretly miss the coffee and ciggy time out.

My name is Caz and I will always be an addict!

Week 9

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sat, 01 Aug 2015 13:45:00 +0000

The days are going by so quickly and I often have to remind myself how long it has been since I quit smoking. My first real attempt lasted for 8 months and I gave up quitting because of all the issues I am currently facing. The anger, the depression, the loneliness and the feelings of not being "me". I quit because I have a fear of what smoking can or may do to me. These fears are of course still very real, but I fight with the addict in me so many times a day that I fear the addict will win. The craving of cigarettes is fading and my deepest battles are the psychological battles. As I hit week 9 I felt with sadness that I will be feeling like this for a while. I had hoped that the depression would have lifted a little and maybe, just maybe, I would not think about smoking for at least a day! There is always hope for next week. To be truly free from this addiction, this depression and this self abuse from over eating, is something I will continually strive each day for! I will beat this and become the person I know I can, I just have to believe in myself and my abilities! (and stop bloody eating those chocolate muffins!)

Week 8

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sat, 25 Jul 2015 13:06:00 +0000

Some days are diamonds and some days are.... well just pure shitty! My weight is out of control and I still feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I gave up seeing the Dr Focus (Counsellor), I am going back to GP to get something else sorted. This cannot keep going on like this. I feel like I am crazy!!

I still feel like some dark cloud has encased me and I cannot escape or breathe. I have once again reached out onto more forums trying to seek someone, anyone, who can relate to how I feel. I seriously feel like I am alone in this damn world and no one understands how I feel. This makes it even harder as I feel like everything I am going through is so damn abnormal. I just need to suck it up!

Week 7

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 12:00:00 +0000

I am doing better. How strange it feels to say that. I am not doing really well, but better. I have been researching a lot and trying different avenues in regards to my depression and quitting smoking. I am not sure that I can say that any one thing is working at the moment, but something has definitely changed. The dark clouds are lifting a little and I actually smiled today. It felt..........odd, free even.

I am trying to fix up the many mistakes I have made with my family. I feel that a lot of what has been said and done will take a long time to mend and heal. I am not proud of this at all. My heart breaks just typing about it.
I do though want to spend some time talking about my weight gain. I have now gained back all my previously lost weight. When I quit smoking 2 years ago for 8 months, I gained 15 kilos back. This time I have gained another 15 kilos, so I have now gained back my original 30 kilos I lost 3 years ago.

Yes I can lose the weight, but you know what, I just don't have the motivation like I did back then. It may return but for now, I am still disappointed and angry at myself. It was a hard slog back then, add 3 more years to my age and a few others health problems along the way and it is hard to not feel defeated before I even begin. I will get this shit sorted. But for today, I feel better. Not to bad with the cravings and I even kept my mouth shut for the most of day! Win Win all round.

Not Coping

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Tue, 14 Jul 2015 08:30:00 +0000

I am not sure where to start. I have been back to see Dr Focus and he has given me some more insight into my anger etc. Do I like what I hear, not entirely but I will leave that for another post. For now I just want to sit and just be...............

I feel lost. My husband and I are not talking and I really feel like my marriage is over. My children and I are fighting all the time and I just cannot seem to smile anymore. I have never been in a deep depression before but I believe I am there right now. I cry most of the day and night. I cannot think straight and I just eat and eat and the circle begins again.

I have been back to my GP and he has suggested some alternative therapy such as increasing exercise and getting a new hobby. Why the fuck does he think this will just go away. I feel like some dark cloud has encased me and I cannot escape or breathe. I have reached out onto more forums trying to seek someone, anyone, who can relate to how I feel. I feel like I am suffering this alone and that the way I feel is wrong or rare in some way. I don't know. I feel like giving up and just letting what will be, be.

I do have a confession to make though. I did have a puff of a ciggy. It tasted like crap and I did not smoke it but I just wanted to see if I felt any different. Nothing happened except a huge feeling of guilt from doing it. Shit happens and I have not gone back to smoking and in some way, it helped clear up a lingering question. If anyone is reading this I am sure they are thinking I just need to get the fuck over shit and move on. I would if I could. I do this shit for fun you see. I have nothing better to do than sit here in misery and attend my own pity party all day. Nice thought though!

Week 6 and Getting Bigger

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sat, 11 Jul 2015 13:09:00 +0000

I cannot find other "Quit Smoking" blogs. Do people quit and smash their computers in anger or are they all in prison serving time for violently smacking someone out? I am sure many quit with no problems at all but me, well, we can all see how that is turning out. I am far from feeling normal or my perfect self. I feel that as the weeks pass, I am slowly seeing my family and people close to me contributing a lot to my self hate and anger. Maybe just a depressed view, or, maybe not!

My daughter turned 18 last weekend and I went to her Birthday Dinner but did not go out with her night clubbing as she felt that I may "ruin it" for her. Fair call. But I do feel that while I am treating people badly, I do have remorse and I am trying to fix it, not so much for my family.

I feel that my family no longer "like" me, I have changed and I feel like I am a stranger in my own skin, let alone a stranger to my family. I have gone from this in control, positive and loving life individual to this person who is miserable, angry, pessimistic and feeling less than perfect. I believed I was the perfect wife and mother to my husband and children. Sure I had downfalls like everyone else but I felt proud of who I was and what I had achieved. I really believe that smoking gave me a false sense of positivity because without the ciggy's, I feel I cannot function. I know I can, I just have to learn to change the way I think and do things. The nicotine cravings are all but gone but I am still fighting the psychological cravings. My weight is out of control, I have gained back almost all the weight that took me over a year to lose a couple of years ago. I feel so........ disgusted and ashamed and still so damn angry.

Week 5 Update

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sat, 04 Jul 2015 12:49:00 +0000

Well I have made it to week 5. Damn! Everyone is still alive and I am still out of jail. It cannot get any better. I am still struggling but I am making headway with why I am so angry all the time. My psychological addiction to smoking is far stronger than the physical addiction. It's crazy honestly.

I am still in counselling, next appointment next week. He is trying to get me to learn "focusing". Interesting concept but it just isn't happening for me right now. My marriage is really hitting rock bottom and I honestly feel like I dont care right now. I just want to get through each day without killing someone and without having a smoke. Sounds easy right? I am trying deep breathing, relaxation music, yoga, exercise and keeping busy. Nothing is working at the moment, I just want to sit and eat and eat and sit and cry all freaking day long.

My weight is now my biggest issue. I have replaced one addiction with another. Good grief! The "hand to mouth" action and that need to be "soothed" is just way to strong right now. I am constantly putting shit into my mouth and then dive into a deep depression later about not being able to control myself. Dr Focus (Counsellor) tells me to be "kind" to myself. I am, I am, so kind in fact that I am spoiling myself with every delicacy known to man. I need to get an handle on this. I am not on any meds but some days I feel I should be. My GP and Dr Focus don't believe they will help, it has to be changes in habits and willpower. God give me strength for fucks sake! On a positive note, I did only think about smoking about 50 times today! WOOT WOOT! It has been up to 100 times a day, so I feel progress, as little as it is, is happening.

Week 4

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sat, 27 Jun 2015 07:30:00 +0000

So I have hit almost a month and......................
Nothing, I am getting worse by the day. I am ready to take back up smoking, this is just fucking ridiculous. I am now in counselling due to my anger problems. My counsellor is trying to tell me that I have serious anger issues due to the fact that I had suffered some kind of childhood trauma that over time I had suppressed. No shit Sherlock! Most people have suffered some kind of trauma but I cannot believe that it was that suppressed that it has come out this way. I am an ugly person, both mentally and physically right now. I cannot bare to look at myself without getting angry. I have gained weight and I cannot stand how I have let myself go.

My thought patterns are often ones of pure aggression. My family and I constantly argue (OK I ARGUE) and it is even getting to the point that my husband cannot even come home due to the anxiety he feels about facing me when he walks through the door.

I have joined a couple of forums for quitting and a couple of weight loss sites. I just need to get my head around this shit and get motivated. I really want a ciggy right now! Damn it.

WTF!!!!! Week 3

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sat, 20 Jun 2015 12:33:00 +0000

Seriously, week 3 and this is driving me crazy. I am either homicidal or suicidal, it feels like there is no in between. Where the fuck did I go? I am serious! I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel like something has come inside me and taken over and what ever it is, it is pure evil.

I still cannot think straight, I am eating beyond any humane capacity and my family is falling apart. All in the name of quitting ciggys! It is fucking insane!

Wake Up Call

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 22:25:00 +0000

I have been searching for some motivation to keep my quit up. I found it! So much so that I am now really concerned about the damage I have already done.

I started smoking at 14. I began smoking 30 cigarettes a day when I was 20. I am now 43 and I have smoked every day of my life since 14. Concerning most definitely.

Anyway if anyone does ever read this blog, take a look at this Video, this should get you thinking twice about taking another drag! It did me.

2 Weeks Down

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 10:59:00 +0000

Well it is 2 weeks since I had my last cigarette. I still had high hopes of some kind of euphoric feeling of success. I still feel numb. I truly do not know what is going on. My bowels have gone weird, I have constant bloating and I just feel so crappy!

My hubby and I have gone into counselling, I am not sure what to make of all this. The counsellor is a lovely woman but I really do not think she "gets me". We talked for an hour and my hubby and I did little interaction, which was fine by me as I still get angry at just the sound of his voice! Its craziness!

I have been looking around for something to control my eating. I have now gained 6 kilos, I am so angry, no make that ropable, at how I cannot control my eating. It seems to be a vicious circle for me right now, to not smoke I eat which apparently "soothes" me, (counsellor's insight). The councellor informed me that sugars and carbohydrates are often craved by smokers in the first few weeks as it gives a sharp but short euphoric sensation, similar of that to nicotine.

I have signed up for a couple of weight loss sites, I have signed up to support groups to help with my quitting smoking, lets just help it helps in some way! I need to be more positive about this, I am slowly becoming everything I despise in a person. Time to make some serious changes.

Where Is Caz?

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Mon, 08 Jun 2015 07:00:00 +0000

Hello! Has anyone seen me? Where the fuck did I go? Oh wait! I see her now, how could I have missed that bitch from hell staring back at me in the mirror? Yes I am having a pity party and all my personalities are invited. You see, at the moment, I have about 10! Yes, they vary from the child from hell Caz to the super bitch Caz. My family are definitely experiencing a new dimension living with me at the moment.

My hubby and I are now thinking of going to Counseling. We are barely talking now and we both cannot stand to look at one another. I am angry for no reason lately. I hate everything and this is NOT me. I am usually fun loving, happy and positive, where the hell have I gone? My friends are keeping away from me and I just do not have the patience to deal with anyone.

I have now gained 4 kilos. So my weight has now gone from 81 kilos to 85! How the fuck can anyone put on that much weight in 10 days?? Maybe it is my other personalities sneaking out and raiding the fridge! Who knows, Who cares! I want to feel normal!

I am going to try and get my shit sorted. I will get this counseling session underway and try and get my diet under control. I do feel under all this depressive and aggressive cloud that there is a tiny chance to climb out, I just have to find it.

Week 1 Down

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sun, 07 Jun 2015 04:58:00 +0000

I cannot believe a week has passed. What a damn week. Do I feel any better? No! Where is this inkling that you are doing the right thing? I really want to feel at least partially normal. I honestly do not like who I have become. My weight is still spiraling out of control and my relationship with my husband is strained. We barely talk and I am now sleeping down the other end of the house. The benefits to quitting, at the moment, are no longer making sense to me. Nothing is.

I am really concerned about my weight. I have had a problem with my weight from an early age. I often wonder if I should have gotten my weight under control first then tackled the smoking problem. So I am now fighting 2 battles instead of 1. My kids are supportive in their own way but have on a couple of occasions mentioned that I am unbearable to live with right now.

The nicotine cravings are bad, I am having trouble with the psychological addiction more than anything. I think that is going to be my biggest battle. It has been previously and I truly believed that I would be able to tackle it better this time. I am sorely mistaken. I do not feel "wonderful", I do not even feel "better", I feel numb, I feel lost and I feel angry.

Day 5 of Not Smoking

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 02:35:00 +0000

Ok, I am not coping! AT ALL!!! The cravings are supposed to be subsiding but no, they are hanging on like a vengeful bitch! I am so cranky! NO, make that I am REALLY CRANKY! My hubby has decided to quit with me, it just aint happening! Do I hate him? YES I do right this moment. I cannot stand anyone being around me, I even hate myself for gods sake! Why does this have to be so hard?? I have done cold turkey before but I do not think I have ever felt it this bad and I bloody planned ahead this time.

I am eating like a bitch! I cannot stop. I have struggled with my weight for so long and now, WTF, it is just out of control. I have gained 2 kilos already, at this rate I will be a candidate for a heart attack faster than I was at smoking. JESUS!!!

I am trying, seriously here, to get over this shit. I am going to bed, sleep seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane. I do not want advice, I just want a damn smoke!

Attitude Is Everything

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Thu, 04 Jun 2015 01:55:00 +0000

This just may be a story but I am using it as a guide to my attitude as I quit smoking.

If you think you are going to have a bad time with it, you will. If you choose to believe that it doesn't have to be nearly as difficult as we make it, then it won't . After all, attitude is EVERYTHING. Make a good choice today.

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line : It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business.

We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination.

The robbers panicked and shot him.

Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

So Today Is The Day

noreply@blogger.com (Caz) — Sun, 31 May 2015 02:16:00 +0000

Today is Day 1 of not smoking! I feel ok but after previous attempts, I feel a little overwhelmed. I do not cope very well and I believe I have tried to organise myself for this quit better than the former attempts. I guess we will wait and see.

The reasons I am giving up is because I have smoked too far long and I need to try and restore some of the damage I have done to myself over the years. I have a new grandson and it breaks my heart to think that I would not be around to see him grow up. There are many other reasons but they are the main ones.

My last attempts have often been unsuccessful due to the fact that I get so aggressive and depressed. I am hoping that this will not be as bad this time. On we go for day 1
WOOT WOOT!