C. Nzingha Smith

Love U: Broken Clocks | The Time is Now

2014-12-08T20:44:00.000-06:00

Broken Clocks

“This is not the time to be passive. This is the time to shape, sculpt, paint, participate…

the time to get sweaty, to get dirty, to fall in love, to forgive, to forget, to hug, to kiss…

this is the time to experience, participate and live your life as a verb.” Steve Maraboli

What are you waiting for? Could the reason you were waiting no longer be valid? Could you already have what you want, but not realize it?

I'm asking you these questions because I had a light bulb moment earlier today while writing an email to a friend. It occurred to me that something I thought I was waiting to experience was already currently happening in my life, but because I felt like I needed more money or a higher status in life before I could experience it, I was convinced I was in fact still waiting on it...that it hadn't happened yet. Until I wrote that email and reread my words, I had no idea what I was waiting for has in fact already arrived. Because of some preconceived notion from past thinking, I had the wrong perspective and was looking at the situation incorrectly. This old pattern of thinking was blocking my ability to see my situation clearly and currently. In my mind I was waiting for something I already have, which in turn left me frustrated and bothered most of the time. As soon as I realized it wasn't that I didn't have it, it was that I was looking at things the wrong way, I immediately took a dance break! Things clicked and that pinned up energy was immediately released.

I hadn't realized what a lifetime of being told to wait had done to my subconscious. From a young age, we are told to wait. Wait until you're older to do this or that. Wait until you get married, wait until you have a family, wait until after you finish school, until you're more settled, have more money, wait until you are more mature, until you retire, until you die. Before we know it our entire lives will have passed us by and we'll go to the grave waiting for more money, for the right time, for another opportunity. Time doesn't wait, it keeps going and the only real time we have is right now, this present moment.

It occurred to me earlier today that the only thing I was really waiting for was myself.

I was waiting for me to wake up, to change my mind, to hit refresh and reload my system so that I could see the fresh picture before me. I am not waiting to live out anything, I am living it right now. It's already currently taking place, the scary part is that I was missing it because my way of thinking was out-of-date. At one point I might of made excuses on why I had to wait. I believed at some point in the past that I always had to wait for some point in the future to live. I was told to wait and believed I had to and then never stopped. Until today.

One of my favorite scriptures in the Bible is Isaiah 43:18, "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past, see I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the dessert and streams in the wasteland."

Whatever you've been putting off, the time is NOW to get your dreams out of the closest and put them on. Wear them out! You don't have anything to lose and no more time should be lost waiting on nothing in particular. Those excuses have now reached their expiration date. It's time to throw them out and get started. Right where you are with what you have. It is possible. You might already be in your dream now, but because everything didn't arrive exactly like you wanted it to, you might be oblivious to it, like I was before my light bub moment. In the words of John Legend, "the future started yesterday, we're already late." Seize this moment, make a decision, renew your mind, laugh, learn, love, live mas, now.

With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha

Love Lessons | Paulo Coelho Love vs. Possess

2014-12-03T22:54:00.000-06:00

"Love one another, but let's not try to possess one another.

I love this man...because I do not possess him and he does not possess me.

We are free in our mutual surrender..."

Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

I just finished reading, Eleven Minutes this week and decided to pull this week's love lesson directly from the pages of Coelho's book. Possession is a concept we learned early in our childhood years, when we learned how to say the word "mine" and realized the meaning behind it. The word was likely followed up with a defiant gesture of some kind, like pulling whatever it was you were declaring as "yours" closer to you. Prior to reading the above quote, I had never looked at possession, love, and relationships in the same context. However after some reflection I realized it's practically the basis of how most of us look at our significant others and the love that they give us.

As the quote implies, love is a surrender. It's a mutual decision and an act done willingly by both parties. Just like with any gift, the love someone decides to give you is theirs to give. You can't and don't own someone else's love. You can't control it and you don't decide for them who they give it to and for how long. However, this thought process would explain why we feel so hurt and broken up when a relationship doesn't work out. It's because we feel we were robbed of something we possessed when it ends as if it were ours to begin with.
I could write on end about this, but to simply things a bit, let's just look more closely at the words themselves and let them do the talking.

Merriam-Webster's definition of possess (v.):

1. to have and hold as property: own

2. have complete power over someone

3. to seize and take control over

Synonyms: dominate, obsess, haunt, consume

Merriam-Webster's definition of love (v):

1. take great pleasure in

2. to like or desire very much

3. to hold dear

Synonyms: appreciate, treasure, value

Wow! Just glancing over the list of definitions for each, it's clear to see that love and possession are not one in the same nor are they similar or related in any way. Love is a gift. Love is sacred and should be treasured and valued. It's not something that you're entitled to and you can't control it or the person that has decided to share their love with you. When you do, you can rest assured it means trouble and the end of the relationship sooner rather than later. This perspective on possessing someone's love is ruining our relationships, ruining perfectly good potential mates (because after you've been hurt so much, you naturally become jaded) and standing in the way of authentic connection and real love in it's original intent. More in depth post to come.

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

References
1. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/possess
2. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love

Love U: Untitled Part I, Free-Write

2014-12-01T16:37:00.002-06:00

The calm before a storm, Genoa, Italy 2014

Love happens fast sometimes. I'm not sure who came up with the rule that we have to play a waiting game in order to distinguish between love and everything else. Love exists. It occupies space and matter and is detectable from the first real connection with another being. Whether it happens in a smile, the faint whisper of hello, a brief, yet sincere embrace, or the way a stranger first says your name. However, when it happens, you're aware of it immediately.

Much of our communication was non-verbal in the three days and nights I stayed with him. I was in recovery, but he didn't know it. Recovering from a lifetime of hurt, pain, and built up anguish. Recovering from disappointing dreams and broken promises. Recovering from loss. Loss in the form of possessions, loss of love, loss of friends, loss of self. Basically, of everything I thought mattered in real life. He was oblivious to all of this when he sent me a message, inviting me to stay in his empty room on the Italian Riviera. I was making my journey back home to the US after deciding to travel clear across the world in search of a glimpse of the person I thought I had lost.

Love at first sight, it wasn't.
However, when I saw him, holding his phone and listening to the store owner directing him to my whereabouts, I was clothed in peace and relief. His bright smile greeted me warmly as he grabbed my bag. After thanking the store owner for his kindness and generosity, I directed my full attention to the stranger walking slightly ahead of me.

His frame was thinner than the picture he featured on his profile. He was clean cut and boyishly handsome in his own unique way. His spirit was kind and genuine. His smile safe and curious. I would later find out that he was German born, living on the Italian Riviera, working hard and trying to heal from his own wounds, the largest left by failed love.

Again we spoke more in silence during our time together. This type of remarkable communication with a man is something I had only experienced once before, so I knew the strength of the connection needed in order for it to be possible. Although rare, I do better communicating this way because I am more at ease with just being. No pressure. He seemed to appreciate this fact and so in silence we combed through deep, old wounds, left from the trampling of family on our persons, injustices in life and in love, and the mistakes we felt we made along the way. We spoke of the love we desired, in shared smiles, in lingering glances, and in our consideration of each other.

His care for me was apparent and natural as if it were something he had practiced in advanced. We embraced for the first time in this life, as it was apparent our souls had already shared both time and space before, somewhere on the other side of eternity perhaps. He desired to hold and comfort me and was sensitive to my needs. I desired to kiss away all the pain, anguish, and disappointment brought to him throughout his life.

Inside those silent conversations we found compassion, forgiveness, and our way back to the possibilities of love. We brought each other's hearts back to life in the three days we spent together. Sharing time and space, contemplating our beings, watching the sea, sharing gelato, focaccia, and allowing ourselves to be free. We decided to bypass all the formalities which are meant to trip people up on their journey toward love. Possibly because we were acutely aware we had no time to waste.

...To Be Continued.

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love Lessons | Rumi on Interior Love Blockades

2014-11-26T21:35:00.000-06:00

When we experience any type of pain from a physical injury our bodies automatically respond by noting the cause and as a reflex tell us how to respond to help us reduce further injury. The brain also stores this information so as to protect us from being injured in the same way again.

The same is true when dealing with matters of the heart and operating from a place of hurt and pain. It's only natural for us to put up defense mechanisms to keep our hearts protected from future hurt and pain once we've been brokenhearted. When we do enough of this self-protection and insulation of the heart it causes the opposite effect of what we actually desire, which is to attract love to us.

When we have walls up
to try to protect ourselves from being hurt in love, we are operating from a place of fear. Fear is a repellent. The offspring of fear; insecurity, jealousy, worry, and doubt are all repellents that create invisible force fields (unbeknownst to us many times) that keep people and love at a distance.

Rumi says that we don't need to seek out love at all. Instead we need to search within ourselves for the things that are blocking us from attracting the love we so desire. The good news: whatever blockades are in place, which were created to protect our love and our hearts, we can choose to destroy for love's sake. This is something we all have direct control over. Give yourself permission to blow up the wall. Allow new love to slam straight through the barriers you created and burn off all the residue of the hurt from past failed relationships.

We don't always have control over the circumstances in which love happens and with whom. The heart decides. However, we don't have to wear ourselves out stalking love either, and wondering why it's running in the other direction. We are magnets. Everything we want, we bring to us when we are in a position to receive it. Walls block your receptors and the signals your heart sends out to other hearts and this leaves you frustrated and alone.

We can't change past hurts, but we can release them. Instead of choosing to memorialize the pain with wall tombs commemorating the dead relationship, free yourself of your interior love blockades and let love flood your heart again. No one can do it but you. All you have to do knock down the blockades which opens yourself up to receive the love you desire. The love you seek will be able to draw near to you as soon as we're ready and as soon as you've cleared the way for it.

P.S. Isn't it nice to know there is no need to search for love after all? Phew!

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love U: Better, Stronger, Wiser

2014-11-24T21:21:00.000-06:00

Photo Courtesy of Tiffany Joy

All of life is a learning experience. There are no such things as mistakes, just building blocks and experiences we need to go through to improve and to grow into better versions of ourselves. Last post I emphasized the importance of being kinder to yourself. This week take a moment and reflect on all that the school of life has taught you and be grateful of that well fought wisdom. You earned it!

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love U: Internal Conversations...Be Kinder to Yourself

2014-10-20T23:04:00.001-05:00

I attended a children's fashion show yesterday to support the organizer. During the intermission I tapped a young lady sitting in front of me to inquire about her natural hair journey. During our brief conversation, she gave me some great insight, tips, much needed encouragement, and a couple of blogs to check out. She ended our conversation by saying, "whatever you decide, be kind to yourself." I thanked her and those last words stuck with me.

"Be kind to yourself." It's a sentiment I've heard before, but I didn't pay much attention to the statement at the time. It seemed like a very odd thing to say at the end of a conversation about natural hair. However, as I thought more about it and let it settle into my spirit, I realized her words came at a perfect time. They were just what I needed to hear. Her words encouraged me to continue on my own natural hair journey, and also were a reminder for me to be mindful of how I am treating myself through the process and in every other area of my life right now.

As I began reflecting a bit further, I replayed some of the conversations I've had with myself lately and realized some of the language that I've used and certain things I've said to myself, have been completely inappropriate and unkind. I had to acknowledge the fact that I wouldn't ever talk to anyone I cared for or loved the way I have been talking to myself. Why?
Mainly, because it would be hurtful, mean, and judgmental. "Hmm", I thought. Well, then, "why the hell are you talking to yourself that way." Good question...and there are a number of reasons I could list to try to justify why this means of cracking the whip on myself is healthy, but the truth is it's not and many times it goes unnoticed.

I'm sure I am not alone in this. All too often we are way too hard on ourselves and overly critical. The truth is we need to be the ones to learn how to do the little things for ourselves that keep us going when everyone else misses the mark. Random acts of niceness toward ourselves are the practice we need for our other relationships as well. We have to be kind, caring, and loving to ourselves before we can extend these qualities to others.

So, just as I have challenged myself to pay more attention to the conversations I have with myself and to do things that build me up instead of tear me down, I challenge you as well. Here are some ways we can begin to learn how to be kinder to ourselves and practice these same techniques in our other relationships. Here is a brief list of things you can do to show yourself a little TLC.

1.) Treat yourself to at least one compliment a day. This means that instead of finding the one thing you don't like about yourself, you find one thing you do and say it out loud. For example; "Cute hair."

2.) Use positive adjectives to describe yourself when you're talking to yourself or others about you.

3.) Tell yourself, "I love you" at least once a day.

4.) Smile at your reflection in the mirror, it serves as an instant energy booster, helps to lift your spirits, and puts you in a better state of mind by easing any underlying anxiety.

5.) Treat yourself to something you like at least once a week that makes you feel special. It doesn't have to be expensive. I treated myself to a Godiva Oreo shake last weekend and it did wonders for me! :)

6.) Allow yourself time to rest and relax without feeling guilty or worthless.

7.) Reject any and all negative self-talk. Instead remind yourself that you are good enough, just as you are and know that whatever you don't like, you have the power to change it.

8.) Shower yourself with the things that make you feel loved and cared for. These are things you don't have to wait for someone else to do for you. You can do them for yourself and get the same gratification out of the experience.

You're wonderful! You don't need an excuse or a special occasion to celebrate you or to shower yourself with love and kindness.

Have you been particularly hard on yourself lately? What are some things you can do today to make it up to yourself? Do you pay attention to how you treat you? I would love to know your thoughts and ideas for other ways we can be kinder to ourselves.

With Love & Gratitude
~C. Nzingha

Interior Reflections: A True Story

2014-04-07T16:21:00.000-05:00

"When and if you can stand to take a look at your reflection...

your interior mirror always tells you the truth, the real story."

Happy Monday!

I just realized it's been exactly a month since I last posted. I'm in the process of writing a new book and it's causing me to go into serious reflective mode. I've had to force myself to be still, and silent, and to look inward, deeper than just below the surface. It has also required me to take a good look at myself in the mirror. Not for vanity purposes, but to really see myself as I am, as I've been, and as I would like to be. To take inventory of the things I like, and the things I don't like about myself, and to identify the areas I would like to change. On the outside, but most importantly on the inside. Basically, to face myself. Honestly. The good, the bad, and the brutally ugly (the part no one sees).

The more time I take to reflect, the more I realize how unhappy I've become with the reflection that's staring back at me. I don't recognize the person I'm looking at anymore. I look the same, but I am fundamentally different. I haven't been true to myself and as a result, I've lost the true beauty that makes me, me. I've realized that I got so used to changing colors to survive the environments I was in, that my true color got faded in the process and is hardly recognizable. It's been tough for me to resist the urge to turn a blind's eye. I would much prefer to keep acting like everything is all together, even when I know it's not. It is getting rougher as I try to sort through the heaviness of it all. Now I know what it means when people warn you not to open up Pandora's box. This is the same thing. You don't know what you're going to get.

So many of us go through life pretending because we have to be what others expect us to be, starting at an early age just to survive. Then it becomes novelty and entertainment for ourselves and those around us. We create elaborate illusions to cover up our true feelings, thoughts, and desires. In order to please others and to get the fake love and acceptance from those we desire it from at the time. Until we don't want it in play life anymore, and we want it for real.

Playing dress up and pretending for so long creates major distortion from the inside out. It ultimately ends up hurting us and the other people who have fell for our illusions. Small lies build slowly, one upon the other, until you're so out of touch with yourself and reality that you too buy into the lies that others perceive as being your truth because it's easier. I think this is why when people get middle-aged they decide to go at it cold turkey and people say to them, "I don't know you anymore." Hell, neither do they. I don't think it's a middle-age issue though. I think they know it long before, but it just takes them to get to that point to build up the courage to face their interior reflections. Once they do, they decide to act. However, often times the results of their actions have to be so extreme and life changing because they've allowed the illusion to go on for so long, that is the only way they can break free of it.

When and if you can stand to take a look at your reflection...your interior mirror always tells you the truth, the real story. When you look at yourself through your own eyes, you can see the cracks beneath the surface, you can see the lonely eyes, the stress and tension built up in your neck and shoulders, it's evident to you, what others often miss. The interior mirror never lies. The sooner you muster up the courage to take a look, the better.

I'm impatient (something God works with me on daily) and don't have time to wait until I'm middle-aged to get it together and go cold turkey. Plus, I have no choice in the matter anyway, so I am surrendering to the process now. One because writing this book is forcing me to and two because I realize the life I live depends on it. It is just time now to unearth everything, sort through it all, and be brave enough to discard what no longer serves a healthy purpose. This way I can accurately see what's needed to help me grow taller from here. I have been accurately described as an onion before, so I have to be brave enough to peel back the layers, stink up the place, cry, have my hands chafed a bit, hoping that when it's all said and done, I will be better, healthier, and truly at peace with me.

It's hard to fight an invisible enemy. Something that you know is there, but just can't identify. It's even harder admitting to yourself that things aren't right. No one wants to admit to themselves the truth, to other people it doesn't matter as much. However, you have to face the fact that you've been lying to yourself all along. Not easy. As I peel back one layer at a time, I realize it would be easier if it were just one big thing. But instead it's a series of small complex clusters of heaviness that have piled up over the years. Some things I knew about, others, not so much.

Taking time to look into my interior reflection has begun to reveal to me things that were standing in my way. Now I can get passed them completely without exhausting myself because I'm swinging against the wind. In the process I'm facing one of my ultimate fears, which I will be sharing in the new book. To sum it up in one word. Painful. A good pain though. One that serves a higher purpose and will have a good lasting effect.

I started my interior reflection with some questions. I will share some in the next post. Until then, MJ said it best. Start with the man in the mirror. I might go karaoke style on Friday's post and sing this! Ha. :)

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love in Retrospect | Sharing the Love

2014-03-07T19:07:00.000-06:00

OMG!!! I have been loved on, and loved on, and loved on some more, throughout my journey over the past few months. I can't begin to describe the experience. I will one day...in a book of course! It's been absolutely amazing being open to receive healthy love from every direction, in unexpected places, in ways so simple, yet so profound. I am so full. This week, since we have nothing to officially reflect on in love (I'm going to get my ish together, promise!), I am going to take a few minutes to share some of the love with you.

In case you haven't been told today or this week:

You are wonderful!

You are thought about!

You are smart!

You are funny!

You are loved!

You are cared for!

You are a success!

You are missed!

I could go on and on...but I just wanted to remind you of how remarkably special you are and tell you that you are needed.

Never, EVER forget how much you matter in this world and how your mere presence changes someone's life for the better.

Thank you for stopping by! Have a wonderful weekend. See you next week! ;-)

P.S. I wish I could figure out how not to look so weird on the video capture pic?

With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha Smith

Love in Retrospect | Out to Lunch

2014-02-21T17:49:00.000-06:00

Hello & welcome to Love in Retrospect, here on ZingNotes.me. Normally, I would be saying this live via video, but due to my intense travel schedule this week, my brain is fried, and overloaded with so much new information that I haven't been able to focus properly. I haven't been able to string my words together to form valid thoughts or to write intelligently on any one thing in particular. I'm giving a new face to scatterbrained!

So, instead of stinking up the place with a bout of unfocused, verbal diarrhea, I will simply pause to recompose myself, get my focus back, and will plan to be back on track with posts next week. :) I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and I look forward to chatting with you same time, same place! Until next week. Take care.

With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha

Love in Retrospect | Poem:Touch

2014-02-14T20:03:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

To celebrate here is a love poem entitled, Touch

from Lust Have Recipes, Aphrodisiac Cookbook.

With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha

Love Lesson | Caution in Love, The Most Fatal

2014-02-12T20:54:00.000-06:00

Frustration in love is often caused by our holding back our true feelings. We want to say something, but don't. We long for that kiss, but don't seize the moment. We secretly want to express our love in every way possible, but decide not to. We keep the unexpressed love inside, and after a while it begins to eat away at us, turning into awkward behavior, nervousness, paranoia, and sickness. We starve it and kill it off, instead of allowing it to grow, flourish, and nurture our lives in ways we couldn't possibly be able to anticipate.

Why do we hold back? Because of fear of the unknown, of losing ourselves, losing control and liking it, because we tried once and it didn't work. Fear is the enemy in love and according to Russell, caution in love, the most fatal to our true happiness. How can you know how far you can go if you don't take the risks needed to find out? Answer is: you won't and could be missing out on the love you desire because you're allowing fear to block love from flowing in your life consciously or unconsciously.

Our true happiness is directly related to our being loved and being able to give love in return. When we become too cautious in love, have too many rules that don't make any sense, or live by an imaginary rule book that dictates how we should think about love and our relationships we lose out. We create and build walls around our hearts, which cause us to miss out on the possibilities of the love we want. You can create whatever love you want to experience. You make your own rules in love with the one you love, those are the only rules that matter. There aren't any universal rules in love you should live by, except that you have to first open yourself up to experience love's possibilities. When you do, give yourself permission to love with abandon as Mr. Russell has advised us to do this week.

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love U | 10 Ways to Touch

2014-02-10T19:30:00.000-06:00

Physical touch is one of five types of affection. Studies show that touch is the first sense to develop in humans and may be the last one to fade. Our skin is our largest organ and is very sensitive and responsive to human touch. We have approximately 5 million touch receptors in our skin, with 3,000 in a finger tip alone. So, why as we age do we tend to touch each other less?

Well first, everyone is all uptight about nothing. You would think as we age, we would get more mature about the nature of touching, but instead we get more uptight and less curious. The result is anxiety, more stress, lack of intimacy and closeness with our partners and more sickness in our society.

Everyone thinks everything has to be about sex all the time. Light bulb: it doesn't. The benefits of touching span far beyond an orgasm.
How about proven natural healing qualities. Who knew a hug, a soft caress, a slap on the tail might be the cure to a lot of things ailing us physically and emotionally and they don't cost you anything, but are worth more than words can say.

So, let's get Valentine's week started off right with some good old fashioned thumb wrestling. Just kidding! Here are a 10 ways for lovers to get back in touch with each other, literally and figuratively speaking.

1. Hug- allow for no personal space here. Use both arms and squeeze tightly.
2. Hold hands- this is reassuring for both parties and helps with anxiety.
3. Cuddle- cuddling is relaxing and soothing and a great way to reconnect.
4. Wash each others hair- might sound corny, but it's really sexy and nurturing.
5. Brush up against each other in passing-linger for a minute and flirt a little.
6. Massage each other- it's a great way to spend quality time and relieve tension.
7. Shower or bathe together- need I say more.
8. Kiss (often)- kissing is very intimate and can communicate a lot without words.
9. Undress each other- it's very sensual, but often overlooked in foreplay.
10. Appropriate groping- this should be done to make your partner feel sexy.
*11. Talk to each other (while holding hands) about how to best show each other love & affection, and then encourage each other by sharing mutual touch on a regular basis.

Let's face it, we could all benefit from being touched more often. Reaching out and touching each other helps us know we aren't alone, that we are loved, desired, special, cared for. It helps to keep us connected to one another. A touch can sooth pain, heighten our spirits, and give us hope and reassurance. There is nothing wrong with a little (or a lot) of touching...as an act of love.

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love Lessons | Friedrich Nietzsche on Unhappy Marriages

2014-02-05T11:45:00.000-06:00

Merriam Webster defines a friend as: 1. a person who you like and enjoy being with. 2. a person who helps or supports someone or something.

Friendship is a form of love, and is complimentary to romantic love, but isn't the same as romantic love. You can have romantic love without taking the time to develop a friendship of mutual interests and affection. We have the ability to love people we don't like. I call it polite tolerance.

In the case of our romantic relationships, love without a proper foundation built on mutual friendship starts off extremely fragile, like a decorative bouquet of crepe paper flowers. The slightest pull in any direction could cause an irreparable tear, and rip the relationship apart. The fabric of the relationship was not tough enough to keep the parties together and the smallest things could cause the relationship to become unraveled. Polite toleration is comparable to a tightrope when it comes to needing a bridge back to each other after the inevitable rifts all relationships will suffer at one time or another.

According to Nietzsche lack of friendship is one of the causes of unhappy marriages. He doesn't question the love present in the relationship, he assumes that there is love shared, but not liking your partner, not enjoying being with them and not sharing interests can naturally create unhappiness within the relationship. Add lack of support for each other and being and staying together could seem like an impossible task.

It's been my experience and observation that relationships that begin from genuine friendship first, create the most fulfilling experiences, and have the highest chance of actually lasting. The relationships that started off superficial, hot and heavy, passion driven without either party coming up for air, are exciting, fun and adventurous, but the time is never taken to really get to know each other, like each other and develop or discover other mutual interests outside the passion factor. The relationships don't have a fighting chance at survival. Unfortunately, more and more people are marrying without preparing and without forming lasting bonds with each other. The superficial wears off and so does the dophamine chemical released in our brains, that drugs us as we're falling in love.

The fabric we use to knit together our relationships form the bonds that ultimately make or break the relationship. Some bonds are more enduring than others. Many people underestimate the importance of actually "liking" the person you're with. It's important. You are very seldom friends with someone you don't like. Charles Caleb Colton says it best: "Friendship often ends in love. But love in friendship; never."

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love Lessons & Fishing | Mark Twain

2014-01-29T13:33:00.000-06:00

I could argue both sides. The pros and cons of using your brain or heart when searching for love (too many episodes of Law & Order & the hidden inner lawyer in me coming out). The more useful baiting tool however, at the end of the day (and because it sometimes gets exhausting being difficult for the hell of it) I will have to admit and resolve to agree with Mark on this one, is your heart.

The most satisfying of all finds are the one's made up of genuine feelings. Not because of the things our minds rationalize us into thinking are the best for us. Your heart will always gravitate to truth.

I have never been a fan of people who claim to like people or feelings to grow on them...I equate that to fungus (I will save that for another post). I don't want anything to grow on me. I don't want to have to think about it. It is. You know it. It sets you on fire and drives you to madness and you like it, crave it and are lost when it evades you. You don't need words to explain it. You can let it be because it existed before the two of you crossed paths and were swept up in its power.

Or it isn't. Words are needed when it isn't. You know when we have to search for justifications and make sense of it. To explain and fill in the gaps that true love fill naturally. When it isn't you allow your brain to keep your heart silenced and love often turns out toxic for the parties involved.

Our hearts will always have the answers we seek to find, all we have to do is listen to it. The trick is we have to shut our mouths and be quiet enough to hear what it has to say to us. This is the hard part for most people. Love lesson: Use your heart to seek and find love.

Do you let your brain or heart lead you in and out of love?

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love STAT | Face Shape with the Most Lovers

2014-01-28T16:17:00.000-06:00

Studies show that men and women with highly symmetrical faces tend to have more lovers to choose from. Additionally, men with symmetrical faces begin to have sex four years earlier, have more sex, and have more affairs than their lopsided peers. Women also tend to have more orgasms with symmetrical men.

Prior to searching for the Love stat for this week, I had never really paid attention to the symmetric face theory and the meaning behind it. Interestingly enough there are tons of studies done on facial construct and how it plays out prior to our being birthed, and how our face shape effects our lives, from career to dancing skills. I'm not sure if I've ever paid attention to the shape or evenness of a gentleman's face. I'm thinking it must be a subconscious thing that we scan for without thinking about it.
Obviously if someone's face is seriously out of whack, it would be noticeable and kind of hard to ignore, but spotting an even face, is probably a little trickier, but I can see why it's naturally more attractive. Reading the background information for this Love stat got me to thinking about what prominent features stand out to me and what I look at first when meeting a guy.

Hmm...when I see a good looking gentleman, I immediately look at his mouth. I check out his smile, his lips, and his teeth. I'm a kisser, so the mouth region is important to me. Plus, I'm secretly a stand-up comedian, so I want to make sure his smile will make me smile when I make him laugh. :) Plus, a man with a beautiful smile, is just pure sexy. If he clears the mouth scan, we're clear to proceed from there. Then my eyes will move back to his eyes to communicate whatever needs to be said from there. I'm going to have to see if I can detect the symmetrical face trait thing on real people or if it's just meant to stay in the study lab and visible on charts and face diagrams. Of course I now wonder how symmetrical my face is, but don't have the patience to participate in any online tests to see nor do I care too much. It is what it is and has been that way since I was born. We've all got to work on loving ourselves just as we are, and know we are all uniquely beautiful!

What facial features do you tend to focus in on when you meet someone? Are they preferences or must-haves? I would be interested to know!

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love in Retrospect | He's Not Perfect

2014-01-24T18:56:00.000-06:00

Reflecting on our week in love. He's not perfect...okay I get it!

With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha

Love Meditation Thursday | A Refreshing

2014-01-23T13:00:00.000-06:00

Take a moment to release any toxic energy and blockage and invite peace and refreshing with a an afternoon love meditation. Happy Thursday!

With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha

Love Stat Tuesday| Numbers Don't Lie | $239/yr vs. $15k/yr

2014-01-21T05:46:00.000-06:00

LOVE STAT

According to a 2013 survey conducted by statisticbrain.com, the average person spends $239/year on dating site memberships and online dating is a $1 billion business.

Okay, I thought $239/yr was rather high. However, then I thought what if you aren't average? How much would a date or introduction with no guarantees of a relationship be worth? Well, upwards of $15k if you are going through a high-end "traditional matchmaking" firm and that's on the low end.

In the process of doing research for a potential client in the luxury matchmaking business, I came across a lot of really interesting information on the amount of money the "non-average" spend on finding love. It's unbelievable, for me anyway. I'm both the "non-average" and also not the "non-average" (yet) all at the same dang time!

Now, don't get me wrong, I loved the movie Hitch, but had no idea there were so many modern day versions that are racking up the clients by the 1,000's and getting paid a hefty penny to do so. I imagined myself as a tycoon business man, the millionaire heiress and the bootstrap successful entrepreneur looking for love to see how far my money would go with a "traditional matchmaker". These prices are just for the search, pairing and introduction and may include all of the details of planning the first date, but there are no guarantees a relationship of any kind will be born of them. Wow!

Under $5k- A free consultation to tell me to get my money up and come back
$5k- A second city added on to my original search once I save up, see below
$15k- unlimited matches in one city for a year, go back one step to add a second
$150k- an international search with personal coaching and pre-date preparation
*Prices are annual

Oh, and I did mention there are no guarantees. All that money and I'm not guaranteed to be in matrimonial bliss when it's all said and done. In the voice of Eddy Murphy..."get the *$@! out of here." Oh and if one of the introductions did happen to successfully end in a relationship or marriage, there is a fee attached to your union. What? Wait. Didn't I already pay your finder's fee? I'm so confused by the purpose of all this and the value.

My thoughts: the money would be better spent on therapy. Many people have unresolved issues and hangups that keep them from successfully entering into and sustaining healthy, lasting relationships. That and no personality or relational skills. Guys who are uberly successful in certain industries are a dry bore and lack simple people skills. Nice guys, but have had no practice in the areas of relationships. Take your money and invest it in some courses on expressive behavior and communication skills. That will be $500, you will get my bill. Ha!

I'm with this guy! You can't beat a spark, the old fashion way!

(I don't own the rights to this video)

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

The Gift of Goodbye | Love Them from a Distance

2014-01-20T05:02:00.000-06:00

Hudson River at Sunset, Window View | New York, NY 2010

2013 was a lonely year. One of my loneliest to date. Many people were removed from my life, many relationships had to be severed in order for me to grow and move forward in life and closer to where God wants me to be in His life. In some cases the other person was prompted to leave me and in others I had the strength to leave and walk away. Regardless of who initiated the farewell, I was forced to learn the gift of goodbye and the process and reality of loving from a distance. However, it is much easier said than done. Like the quote, I had no aptitude for it, I clutched and clutched, only to find I was grasping emptiness. Then I had to face reality, there was nothing left to hold on to. I would have to let it go.

At first, it can devastating. The pain, excruciating. When you have someone you're connected to; a best friend, a romantic partner, a close family member who becomes a permanent and important fixture in your life. You don't want to think about how life would without them. They are a part of you. Intricately woven into the fabric of your being. Until they're not anymore. At least not in the way they once were. We have been taught by society to reject change and to fear it. Why? When it is the only true constant in our lives. We change every day, we evolve, we grow, we improve (hopefully), and so do the people around us. We grow apart, we separate, we can't continue in the state of how the relationship used to be. We leave.

“Every meeting led to a parting, and so it would, as long as life was mortal.

In every meeting there was some of the sorrow of parting, but in everything parting there was some of the joy of meeting as well.”

― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

Then slowly you realize life can and does go on without them. Maybe life improves even. Maybe you all were stunting each other's growth. Maybe you were holding back parts of you in order to make them happy. Maybe you were putting their needs in front of yours and sacrificing parts of you for the sake of the relationship. Maybe the relationship wasn't as healthy for you as you thought it was. There is a cliche' we often here, "people who can walk out of your life so easily, weren't meant to be there in the first place." I disagree. Who says that their walking away from you was easy for them at all? It just might have been necessary.

Every single person whom I've had the privilege of being close to on my journey in life has taught be something when I was ready, willing and open to learn it. About life, about the different layers of myself, about my hidden ugliness, about my hidden beauty, helped me to become better, more loving, more patient, more compassionate, strengthened me in some way and multiplied my joy and happiness. For me to dismiss the experiences, the time shared, the memories created, would mean I would have to fill in that space with bitterness, regret and anguish, which curses the blessing. I'll pass. I've found it to be much better to allow the space to stay occupied with the love that was created in it. It existed before the person arrived and it will exist after they are gone. I don't need for it to be replaced or erased, it was a blessing to me in some way. I'm learning how to seek out the blessings in the lessons. Goodbyes are necessary and inevitable. There will always be someone entering and exiting your life on some level.

A gentleman, I was crazy about once, stunned me with his abrupt exit out of my life for no apparent reason at the time, and without explanation. However, before his departure, he was an immense inspiration in my work, he reignited my belief in the love I believe in, gave me hope that there exists somewhere on this planet, someone who speaks my love language(s), and taught me again, how to enjoy every single small thing because it makes me feel more alive.

When I think about him or a friend who I care about, but am no longer in touch with. I send them good energy, positive thoughts, and my love in the wind. I speak a blessing over them and let them know I am thinking about them by simply saying so out loud. Knowing somehow they hear me in their spirit. Because at the very core of us, we are all connected. I don't stop loving them because they are no longer in my life. In some instances my love has intensified more in their absence and grew strong only after there was no longer a formal relationship.

It's a new year, a new beginning, we have a new slate and the opportunity to make everything we desire to go right, go right in our lives. Resist the urge to drag stale, unfruitful relationships along with you on your journey this year. They are dead weight. Pray for the ability to learn the gift of goodbye and learn to love them from a distance. You don't have to be with them in order to love them. The relationship might have died of natural causes or it might have been killed off. Either way, if it's dead, has no signs of life, is unhealthy for you, leave it. Resist the urge to cling to relationship corpses. Walk away and leave it in your yesterday. Embrace the possibilities of new beginnings in life & love.

“I love you more than songs can say,

but I can't keep running after yesterday...”

― John Mayer - Battle Studies

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

Love is on a Budget | Coupons Anyone?

2014-01-16T04:47:00.000-06:00

Gelato Menu, Italian Cafe | Italian Rivera 2014

According to a 2013 dating survey completed by Match.com, 50% of men spend $50 or more on a date. Women spend on average $25, with the bulk of their costs going toward predate prep. 65% of dating singles, both men and women, spend $50 or more on predate grooming and new outfits. However, more and more singles are opting to date less and are choosing saving for retirement and paying off debt with the money they would spend going out.

Reading these statistics made me think back to a time when a guy I dated used a coupon to pay for our meal. At first, it took me off guard. He mentioned it briefly when asking me out, saying that he won it in a raffle at work and wanted to check out the restaurant. Reluctantly, I agreed, never having been out with anyone who openly used coupons on a date.
I have to admit, at the time, it was an immediate turn off, and I check marked him as being cheap. However, when we got to the restaurant and I saw the menu and the prices, I had to suppress my gasp for breath. A bottle of wine began at $200. The food was pleasant, not the best I've had, not the worse. He was immediately removed from the cheap list and transferred over to the may have some potential. Not because he took me to an over priced, swanky restaurant in New York, but because he was trying to impress me, and I thought that was cute. I didn't however equate the price of the meal with his interest in me one way or another. I think that is a totally separate piece of the puzzle altogether.

On the contrary, some of my best and most memorable dates were what the survey would call cheap dates. They were the dates that were thoughtful, took some planning and probably didn't cost much at all, but the guys took time to show me that they paid attention to me, what I liked and what I valued. The small things, quality time and true intimacy. Those dates were special. One included a trip to an insanely large farmer's market, after eating a vegan lunch (while I was fasting), and ended with a stroll through some awesome cookware shops, after testing out some mopeds. I had the best time window shopping and contemplating gadgets I didn't know what to do with in the kitchen. Another was a day at the botanical garden, which ended in a picnic dinner on the floor with wine and candles. Again, not fancy, not swanky, but things that showed I was cared about and they had genuine interest in me.

I can't say now that it matters much either way how much a guy spends on a date. To me it's not a good gauge at his genuine interest. I could be wrong though. What do you think? Do you rank guys higher on your interest radar based on how much he spends on a date? Does spending more mean he's more interested in you? Guys is this true? I do think that there should be some type of coupon etiquette though. And I can't remember the last time I actually put in time picking special outfits or getting my hair done, just for a date. Do people still do this? No, really?

With Love & Gratitude,
~C. Nzingha

2014 New Year Prayer | Paulo Coelho Quote

2014-01-15T04:14:00.001-06:00

Enveloped in God's Glory- Cathedral Ceiling | Nice, France 2014

“Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved towards that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. Every search begins with beginners luck. And every search ends with the victors being severely tested.”

Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Happy New Year! We are officially fifteen days into the new year and continuing with the tradition I want to begin this blogging year with a New Year prayer.

I’m not sure what you've been through or what you’ve had to endure in the last 12 months that was 2013. I know that as a consensus from people I’ve spoken to and from my own life, 2013 was pure hell and a miserable year to sum it up best. The good news is 2013 is over! Congratulations, we made it! We have another opportunity to go after our dreams and goals and achieve them. I chose today’s quote to set the tone for those of us who have had to endure to the point of breaking. It’s my wish to extend my hands out to you by my words in order to embrace you and help to comfort and encourage you in the fact that you are right there, within arm’s reach. Grab hold tighter than you ever have before and don’t let go until God blesses you.

As it physically pained me to have to reflect on all the events of 2013, it comforted me to know I had made it through and that the testing of my faith, developed perseverance. I’m more determined than ever to take everything up a notch and not only get what I thought I wanted, but the overflow as well. I have renewed confidence in who God is and who He’s created me to be and am allowing myself permission to explore me fully and embrace what I find. Because God is faithful and because it is always its darkest right before the dawn breaks, He allowed me to start the year off inside my biggest dream yet. One of the largest dreams I’ve dared to dream and I am not sleeping through this one. I’m living it wide awake, writing this from my apartment in the south of France. Everything was taken out of me and from me in 2013. Everything. It was God’s grace alone that allowed me to pick myself up off the ground and keep fighting when I literally had nothing left. Not knowing that beauty is birthed from ruin and you can’t live fully in Him until you have died of yourself.

My prayer: Heavenly Father I pray that you will continue to show us who we are in you this year. I pray a release of your supernatural comfort, peace, and grace upon us all. I pray Father that you cleanse us with your healing power and love. Rid us of any hurt, pain, and disappointments we’ve endured, necessary for our growth and promotion. I pray God that you will draw us closer to you and that you would teach us how to trust you beyond our capacity to trust as we move forward in your promises for our lives. I pray Father a year of abundant harvest for your people who have planted, sowed and labored in faith and in tears. Father I thank you now by faith for opening up the floodgates of heaven and pouring out your blessings on us where we won’t have enough room to contain them all. Father I thank you for replenishing us with any and all virtues that were depleted as we were going through our storms and Father I pray you would strengthen our bond and connection with you. Father grant us the gift of compassion that we may handle others with care as we are all sensitive and in need of encouragement and peace. Father I also pray that you give us clarity and open up our eyes of understanding, so that we may master the lessons needed to pursue, overtake and recover everything you have in store for us this year and in the years to come. Father we love you, we trust you, and we thank you that we can speak those things to come as though they are. Your word says that all things work together for our good. Thank you God for renewed faith and courage to pursue, overtake and recover all that belongs to us and for a renewed passion in our gifts. It is in Jesus Christ’s precious name I pray, Amen.

With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha

Men & Their Psychic Powers

2013-10-07T09:11:00.002-05:00

Frustrating Moments | Genoa, Italy 2014

“If you need more love, why don’t you just say so?”
John Mayer Lyrics

John Mayer says it all in this brief quote. He’s willing, he cares, he wants to please her and give her the love she needs, but he needs her to tell him what she needs. He admits that he can’t read her mind and needs her direction. He admits that he’s trying, but might not have a clue, but wants to find out, so he can take care of it, whatever it is. If it’s more love she needs, he’s capable, if she’ll just say the word. Why do we as women fail to voice our needs, but can nag and complain about what we don’t want and what doesn’t make us happy? Is it because we don’t really know? Have we not taken the time out to find out what really makes us happy? Have we transitioned from our parent’s house to his house without any self-discovery breaks in between? Are we depending on our men to figure it out all on their own without any direction from us because we won’t admit we have no clue? If any of these reasons are valid, and most likely they are the case in a lot of relationship scenarios, we are setting our men up for failure
and have to accept responsibility for some of our own unhappiness and discontentment. How can men be expected to accomplish anything if we don’t tell them the end goal and what they should be focused on? Men need proper direction, most of the time they will take it from there. They might need some poking, prodding and provoking, but most of all they need us to give them some clues, a starting point and a compass to guide them, better yet, to just tell them straight up and be upfront, so they can get to the end result faster.

Communication in love is everything. Contrary to what we as women may think and the many things men are wonderful at doing, reading our minds, ladies, is not on the list of the gifts men possess. We know this, so why do we act like this will change from man to man? It doesn’t, hasn’t and won’t. We can hope, will and pray that one day men will have the ability to look into our heads and read our thoughts, but it’s probably safe to say, it’s not going to happen. I, personally, am probably not the best friend to come to with relationship problems because I’m not the other person in the relationship. I will be polite and listen, but I definitely give the “why the hell are you telling me face”, and at the end of the rant, I’m going to piss the friend off further with the obvious question; “Have you told him any of this?” Then I get the deer in headlights look. Like really, I should actually tell him how I feel and what I want? Umm…yes! It should be the obvious next step, but most women will tell everyone one of their girlfriends, call overseas to a help group, complain after their yoga class to the people who can chime in and co-sign on their grief, but the last person on earth they want to tell is the only person on earth that can do anything to change it, their man.

Ladies, we are the most enlightened species ever created and the most intelligent, so why do we keep falling short on something so simple, I wonder? If there is a problem in your relationship and you don’t want to fix it, then leave because you're heart is not in it and you don't want to be there, so why stay? If there is a problem and you wish to fix it, it’s important then the only person you should be discussing the problem with is the other half involved in your relationship. It’s unhealthy, frustrating and completely unproductive to divulge your personal relationship details, especially problems, with family, friends and strangers. Men don’t possess psychic powers to read our minds, so we have to help them out. We have to get over our disappointment and start being frank about what we want and more importantly what we need. If you need something, tell him, if he cares about you and the relationship, he will address your concern with love and urgency. He will attempt to fix it, he may need you to be patient with him, understanding and supportive of his efforts, but ultimately, if he loves you, he wants to make you happy or he wouldn’t be with you in the first place.

We women are going to have to become more assertive in working with the men we love instead of being petty and difficult about every single unimportant minuscule detail (I’m taking my own advice here, because I can be extremely difficult and stubborn at times). If it isn’t going to matter tomorrow, next month or five years from now, it probably shouldn’t be the source of strife and division in your relationship. If it does and he doesn’t know (and if you haven’t been upfront and told him, chances are he really doesn’t have a clue) then you need to communicate to him what your concerns are so you can work together to fix them. It makes the process that much easier and leaves more time for making up! If you don’t know, it’s time for you to put on your big girl panties and fess up and ask for help in discovering it together. Contrary to popular belief, there is a subtle sexiness in a woman who is strong enough to actually allow herself to show her vulnerability. You might need to take some time a part until you figure it out because if you’re not happy, you can’t add to anyone else’s happiness.

With Love & Gratitude,

~C. Nzingha

Promise Yourself | Christian D. Larson

2013-09-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

"To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself

that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

Today, I wanted to just water us with some words of love and encouragement I came across, which touched me and had an impact. I hope they do the same for you as well!

It's a good day when you decide it is. It really is that simple, not always easy, but simple. :)

End of Summer Prayer | A Refreshing

2013-09-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

Italian Rivera at Sunset | Genoa Italy 2014

I'm not sure if you have ever been through a period in your life, when you couldn't, or found it extremely difficult to pray? We all find ourselves here from time to time and when we do, it's important to hang on to God's faith during this time. I read the following one day in private bible study: "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32 The bible teaches us that even when we feel like we can't pray for ourselves that Jesus himself intercedes on our behalf. I'm thanking God for Jesus and his prayers that my faith doesn't fail and since I'm being strengthened daily, I'm being obedient and doing my part to strengthen my brothers & sisters.

As we closeout the summer and enter the homestretch to the end of the year; I pray an immense refreshing upon all of us, in and through our homes, families and everyone we are connected to.
I pray that God stirs up our gifts, courage, and faith to keep taking steps in the direction of our dreams. I pray we will walk by faith and not by sight, so we can make our way out of the dark periods of our lives and be able to get all that God has for us in Jesus name, it is so, Amen.

This has been an extremely challenging time for a lot of us and I just wanted to remind you as God reminded me that He cares and loves us so much that He, himself prays for us and our victory to keep pressing forward. Even when we don't understand what's going on, God does. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 "The Lord is our shepherd and we shall not be in want." Psalm 23:1 Put your faith in God and trust that He knows what's best for you. "Let us not grow weary in well doing, for we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I wanted to encourage us in love to keep going and not to quit, no matter how it looks. We're too far in it to turn back, and it's too painful to stay where you are....we have to keep moving forward. This faith walk is no joke, but "with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:16 Be well!

M.A.K.E. Love,
~C. Nzingha

I Love You, But We Aren’t Meant to Be

2013-09-10T22:59:00.001-05:00

Love Pillow 2013

“The love I wanted so badly would have destroyed me, and I would have let it.” C. Nzingha Smith

I’m sure your parents told you, “no” from time to time as a child. Most likely their reasons for telling you, “no” came from a place of care and love, in order to protect you from harm or danger that you couldn’t see yourself. They denied you of things you felt you wanted at the time, but that were no good for you. In hindsight of the situation, you might be able to look back and see how harmful a situation might’ve been and can now appreciate their wisdom and guidance. Their job was to protect you, to keep you safe and on track. God does the same thing to us as His children. There are things we want so badly, people we feel, we can’t live without, but He blocks paths and doesn’t give us everything we want as the ultimate parent. God knows all things. He sees the harm that will come if He allows certain relationships in your life. He knows your purpose and what He put you on earth to do. Even if the relationship is not a negative situation, if He sees that it could compromise His plan for your life, He’s going to deny you.

What happened when your parents told you “no” about something you wanted?
More than likely, you didn’t go down without a fight and probably resisted to the point of kicking, crying and screaming. Your parents might have let you calm down before trying to explain, or sometimes they didn’t bother to explain, you just had to live with their decision, whether you liked it or not. This is sometimes the case with God and our relationships as well. I just finished kicking and screaming about my particular situation and when I was done, God was patient enough with me to show me how giving me what I wanted would have ruined my life. The person was not “bad” for me, but right now, despite the immense love we share, we aren’t meant to be. My love for him was such that I would have compromised the fundamentals of who I am as a person in order for us to be together. I would have stayed contained to one place, doing things for the sake of what I thought love is supposed to mean, but in the end I would have been miserable. I would've been out of God’s will because I would’ve put a man before Him and what He’s given me to do. I had to come to terms with the fact that love in theory is much easier than the application of that love in real life. Then I had to be honest with myself about why I was clinging on to the love so tightly. Was it because I truly wanted it or because I needed a distraction and excuse for not doing the work I’ve been given? We are quick to take our frustrations out on God when He doesn’t give us what we want, but we have to be honest about our motives behind asking.

At the end of the day, pray and seek God's guidance. If you ask God for discernment, He will show you why it's not meant to be, or tell you simply not yet, and grant you peace about the situation. I used to believe in the one true love ideal. However, over the years, I’m finding this particular point of view, extremely limiting. I don’t like to feel limited, so as I continue to grow, I’m learning to be open to all of love’s many possibilities. I believe delay is not denial, so who knows what God has in store for me and for us. He may grant me that particular desire once I’m doing what He wants me to do, He might not. He might be giving me a preview, using the love I feel for this particular person as a test run, similar to a playoff game, on the road to my championship win. Everyone has to be proven, before they're prepared for the "real thing". I don’t know. I won’t know unless I continue walking, trusting and having faith that God knows what’s best for me. Sure, it hurts at first, but when you have your life flash before your eyes, where you can see clearly how a particular relationship can derail you completely, it’s better to see it before it happens, than to wait until afterwards and trying to pick up the pieces of regret.

M.A.K.E. Love,

~C. Nzingha